All language subtitles for Good.Morning.Vietnam.(1987).DVDRip.Flickjunction.com.CD-1

...to recover contents such as shoes,
socks and undergarments.

And now an item of special note.

Barring any change in the weather,
the softball game...

between the 1 33rd
and 4th infantry divisions...

will resume as scheduled
at the Ban Mi Thout Park...

corner of Viet Ho and Hguen
Van Theiuh streets here in Saigon.

Please make a note of it.
Excuse me.

Those men who lost equipment
in last week's rains...

are asked to contact
Lieutenant Sam Scheer.

Lieutenant Schneer-- Lieutenant Scheer
asks those men with waterlogged mitts...

to make every effort to dry them out
in the sun before requesting new ones.

Bookworms: Headquarters
Support Activities Saigon...

operates libraries at six locations
in the Republic of Vietnam.

American personnel can check out a book
in Ku Bai, Da Nang...

Phung Tao, Saigon,
Bien Wah and San Treng.

If you can't stop in
and select your own books...

write to the HSAS Library.

Ask for the books by author,
title and subject...

and your selections
will be mailed to you.

With the holiday season
rapidly approaching...

those personnel wishing
to spend Christmas cards home--

wishing to send Christmas
cards home to the States--

are asked to do so
no later than August 1 3...

due to a yearly mail rush
at that time.

Don't disappoint your--

So take your liberties, but
watch the liberties you take.

Lost luggage.:

The Armed Forces sincerely
regrets any inconvenience...

due to luggage lost
on transport carriers.

Personal missing luggage-- that should
be personnel missing luggage--

are asked to drop a card to Major
Gerald Kleiner over at the 5th.

The card should be no larger
than four by five inches...

and should describe
the contents of your duffel.

Major Kleiner requests that you
do not describe your duffel
as all duffels look alike.

Those personnel with lost bag--

- All right.
- Hey, Sarge, where are the women?

- Airman Cronauer?
- You got it.

- Welcome to Saigon, sir.
- Careful. You could
put an eye out with that.

- God, it's warm, huh?
- Warm? No. This is a setting
for London broil.

I'm Private First Class Edward
Montesque Garlick at your service, sir.

Well, first thing, Garlick,
is you gotta requisition a new name.

I like you already, sir.

Actually, what I am, sir, is
your Armed Forces Radio Saigon
assistant who's in charge...

of orientation and billeting of
enlisted personnel, and company clerk.

Whew. I'm impressed.

- It's already started.
- I understand.

Dream on

Little dreamer
Dream on

Dream about a love so fine

Sweet as apple-berry wine

Dream on

Little dreamer
Dream on

This is AFRS, Radio Saigon.

AFRS Radio is owned and operated
by the United States government...

and operates on an assigned
carrier frequency of 540...

- at 7 49 megahertz.
-Jesus, that guy's
as boring as whale shit.

Not really.
See, the purpose is to inform you
as to the radius of the radio waves.

- ...by Mantovani.
- Mantovani?

They play Mantovani to insomniacs
who don't respond to strong drugs.

General likes easy listening. You know,
I'm really gonna have to inform you--

Mayday! Mayday! Dragon lady
with incredible figure at 1 1 :00.
Stop the car.

- I can't do that, sir.
- Oh, Edward, Edward,
you don't understand.

I've been on a small Greek island
with a lot of women who look like Zorba.
I never thought I'd find
women attractive ever again.

And now that I do, you won't even
turn the car around? Thanks a lot.

- You have a very important
meeting with the top brass.
- Oh! There she is again!

- How'd she get ahead of us?
- That's another person, sir.

Ah, she's beautiful and quick.
Speed up. Check her stamina.

This is incredible! Oh, my God!
They're quick, they're fast and small.

I feel like a fox
in a chicken coop.

We got a new man comin'in.

- Don't you understand, Dick?
- No, sir. Frankly, I do not understand.

Would you kindly
lower your tone, please?

Yes, sir.

I run this show, General. If anything
screws up, it's my ass in the mower.

I deserve to be notified
of any changes that are made.

Nobody's arguing that with you.

Look, I caught his show on the
Isle of Crete, and this guy is funny.

I damn near busted a gut laughin' at
him. And the troops, they love him.

This is a tempest in a teacup...

much ado about nothing.

For crying out loud, man,
this isn't brain surgery.

Don't get crazy over this, Dick.
We're only talking about a damn deejay.

Sir, there is no such thing as ''only''
any more. Not now. Not in Saigon.

Lieutenant Steven Hauk
is our immediate supervisor.

He's a little goofy,
but he's okay.

Sergeant Major Dickerson--
That's another story altogether.

He was a commander
of an elite special forces unit.

He came to us because
of''prostrate'' problems...

and some sort of social infection
that doesn't go away.

Plus, I think he got shot in the ass,
but I can't confirm that.

Anyway, he's the man
that you don't want to aggravate.

- Ed, are you always this happy?
- Cronauer!

- Sir!
- At ease. I'm General Taylor.

- Hiya, General.
- A real pleasure.

Listen, if you have any problems
here now, you come see me.

I'm the tallest hog
in the trough around here.

- Garlick, have you put on some weight?
- I don't think so, sir.

Why, son, the shadow
of your ass'd weigh 20 pounds.

I'll work on that, sir.
You're not supposed to address
the general saying ''hiya.''

- What's that, a new rule?
- No, old rule.

- That's Lieutenant Hauk in there.
- Who's the guy with the ears?

How're you doin'?
You could fly to Guam with those.

Uh, Airman Cronauer, sir.

You know, i-it wouldn't kill you people
to salute me once in a while.

- Sorry.
- Thanks.

I understand you're pretty funny
as a deejay, and...

well, comedy
is a kind of hobby of mine.

Well-- Well, actually, it's
a little more than just a hobby.

Reader's Digest is considering
publishing two of my jokes.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And perhaps some night we could
maybe get together and swap
humorous stories for-for fun.

Oh, why not? Maybe play a couple
of Tennessee Ernie Ford records.
That'd be a hoot.

- That's a joke, right?
- Maybe.
- I get it.

Where is this man's paperwork?

- Right here, Sergeant.
- Thank you, sir.

United States Air Force.
The hat does give you away.

- This is not military issue, Airman.
What sort of uniform is that?
- Cretan camouflage.

If you want to blend into a crowd of
drunken Greeks, there's nothin' better.

That is humour.
I recognize that.

I also recognize
your species of soldier.

I had a guy like you in the field
one time. He blew himself to pieces.

But not before his humour cost the lives
of three very fine individuals.

- I hope--
- You shut your fuckin' hole!

You're in Southeast Asia now, pal.
You got your cushy little assignment.

There's nothin' I can
do about that.

In time, you will
make me forget it.

You stay out of my way,
there'll be no problem.

But if you toy with me,
I'll burn you so bad...

you'll wish you died as a child.

- Am I being fairly clear?
- Yes, sir.

''Sir''?
I work for a living, Airman.

You will address me
as Sergeant Major Dickerson.

Yes, Sergeant Major Dickerson.

He reminds me a lot of Donna Reed,
especially around the eyes.

Hello, hello, hello.

This is your chaplain,
Captain Noel...

your radio programme
of personal beliefs.

Great and manifold
are our blessings today.

This great godly miracle
of radio...

really gives me the opportunity...

to speak to you on the air!

Sir, it's time to rise.

My God, it's Mardi Gras,
and I'm on the main float.

Come on, sir. Couple of weeks,
this will be easy for you.

- Oh, let me go back to bed.
- You gotta get up, sir.

God. What time is it, Edward?

- It's 5:30.
- 5:30. It's very early. I may have
to hurt you. Call me in five minutes.

No, you have to get up right now
and you have to get on the air.

- Oh. Fine. Fine.
- Come on, sir.

...has signed Les Crane
to a late-night talk show.

- This way, sir. It's just down
the hall and to the right.
- Yeah.

- You must be nervous, sir, huh?
- I'm not even in my body, Edward.

Don't worry about it.
It'll go great. This way, sir.

We still have a few minutes
before your show begins, sir.

When it's time to read the news, you
just take it off these machines here.

But regardless of what you read,
Airman, the Department
of Defence wants final say.

So every item's checked
by these two guys in here.

Guys, I'd like you to meet
our new deejay, Adrian Cronauer.

That's Marty Lee Dreiwitz.

He's impeccably clean.

This man has cleaning products
shipped in from Wisconsin.

He's also one of your roommates, so if
I were you, I'd think about suicide.

Sir, I-I really don't think that you
want to use any of those records, sir.

- We have a selection right here
that's prepared specifically--
- Hey, hey!

I've been looking forward to meeting
you. Listen, could you do me a favour?

- Can you say something funny
right this minute?
- I doubt it.

I'm with you, man.
I'm on your frequency.
Hey, let me ask you a question.

What is the appeal of Joey Bishop?

I mean, the man's not funny.
I know funny, and he's not funny.

Don't get me wrong. He seems like
a nice guy, but my father's a nice guy
and he's not funny either.

Joey Bishop. I wish someone
would explain this one to me.

Hey, incidentally,
you're on the air in about ten seconds.
Nine, eight, seven, six--

Hey, this has been ''Fiction and Fact''
from Marty Lee's almanac.
And now, direct from Crete...

welcome the silky-smooth sound
of Airman Adrian Cronauer.

Good morning, Vietnam!

Hey, this is not a test.
This is rock and roll.

Time to rock it
from the delta to the DMZ!

Is that me, or does that sound like
an Elvis Presley movie?

Viva Da Nang.
Oh, viva, Da Nang

Da Nang me, Da Nang me
Why don't they get a rope and hang me

Hey, is it a little too early
for being that loud? Hey, too late.

It's 0600. What's the ''O'' stand for?
Oh, my God, it's early.

Speaking of early, how about
that Cro-Magnon, Marty Dreiwitz?

Thank you, Marty, for ''silky-smooth
sound.'' Make me sound like Peggy Lee.

''Good morning, Vietnam''?
What the heck is that supposed to mean?

I don't know, Lieutenant. I-I guess
it means, good morning, uh, Vietnam.

And who gave anyone permission
to programme modern music?

Freddy and the Dreamers!

Wrong speed.
We've got it on the wrong speed.

For those of you recovering from a
hangover, that's gonna sound just right.

Let's put her right back down.
Let's try it a little faster,
see if that picks it up a little bit.

Let's get it up on 7 8.

Those pilots are going,
''I really like the music. I really like
the music. I really like the music.''

Oh, it's still a bad song. Hey,
wait a minute. Let's try something.

Let's play this backwards
and see if it gets any better.

Freddy is a devil.
Freddy is a devil.

Picture a man going on a journey
beyond sight and sound.

He's left Crete. He's entered
the demilitarized zone.

All right. Hey, what is this
''demilitarized zone''? What do
they mean, ''police action''?

Sounds like a couple
of cops in Brooklyn going,
''You know, she looks pretty to me. ''

Hey, whatever it is, l like it
because it gets you on your toes better
than a strong cup of cappuccino.

What is a demilitarized zone? Sounds
like something out of The Wizard of Oz.

Oh, no, don't go in there.

Oh-we-oh
Ho Chi Minh

Oh, look, you've landed in Saigon.

You're among
the little people now.

We represent the ARVN Army
The ARVN Army

Oh, no! Follow the Ho Chi Minh Trail.
Follow the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

''Oh, I'll get you, my pretty!'' Oh, my
God. It's the wicked witch of the north.

It's Hanoi Hanna!

''Now, little GI, you and
your little 'tune-ooh' too!''

''Oh, Adrian. Adrian.
What are you doing, Adrian?''

Oh, Hanna, you slut. You've been down
on everything but the Titanic.
Stop it right now.

Uh, you know, he's really funny. You
know, he-he-- he's like a Marx brother.

Which Marx brother
would that be, Private? Zeppo?

- I don't find him funny at all.
- Zeppo? Isn't he the one with the hat?

Hey, uh, hi.
Can you help me? What's your name?
''My name's Roosevelt E. Roosevelt.''

Roosevelt, what town are you stationed
in? ''I'm stationed in Poontang.''

Well, thank you, Roosevelt.
What's the weather like out there?

''It's hot. Damn hot!
Real hot!

Hottest things is my shorts.
I could cook things in it.
A little crotch pot cooking.''

Well, can you tell me what it feels
like. ''Fool, it's hot! I told you again!

Were you born on the sun?
It's damn hot!

I saw-- It's so damn hot,
I saw little guys, their orange
robes burst into flames.

It's that hot!
Do you know what I'm talking about.''

What do you think it's going to be like
tonight? ''It's gonna be hot and wet!

That's nice if you're with a lady,
but it ain't no good
if you're in the jungle.''

Thank you, Roosevelt. Here's a song
coming your way right now.

''Nowhere To Run To''
by Martha and the Vandellas.
Yes! Hey, you know what I mean!

Too much?

- Thank you, Marty.
''Silky-smooth sounds.'' Get outta here.
- Nowhere to run to, baby

Nowhere to hide

Got nowhere to run to, baby

Nowhere to hide

lt's not love l'm a-runnin'from

lt's the heartbreak
l know will come

'Cause l know you're no good for me

But you've become such a part of me

Everywhere l go your face l see

- Every step l take you take with me
- That is not what we programme here!

- Yeah, nowhere to run to, baby
- This is AFVN, rockin'ya
from the delta to the DMZ.

AFVN-- better than AFVD, which means
you have to get a quick shot.

- We're movin' on right now.
- l get around

- l get around
- Get around, 'round, 'round
l get around

- From town to town
- Get around
- Here's a little riddle for you.

What's the difference between the Army
and the Cub Scouts?

- Cub Scouts don't have heavy artillery.
- Get around, 'round, 'round
l get around

l'm gettin'bugged drivin'up
and down the same old strip

l gotta find a new place
where the kids are hip

Hey, l'm Adrian Cronauer.
l'm on again at 1 600.

Why? Because l have to.
lt's the Army.

We're talking out in the field today.
Hi, what's your name?
''My name's Bob Fliber!''

Bob, what do you do?
''I'm in artillery!'' Thank you, Bob.

Can we play anything for you?
''Anything!Just play it loud! Okay?''

- l'm makin'real good bread
- Get around, 'round, 'round
l get around

- l get around,
- 'Round

Get around, 'round, 'round
Ooh

You know, l have to admit something
to you. l just came from Crete
with women that look like Zorba.

Whoo! Thank you.

''Those girls are just so pretty.''
Gomer, are you here in Vietnam?

''Yes, I am.
Surprise, surprise, surprise!''

Lyndon, why did you name
your daughter ''Lynda Bird''?

'''Cause Lynda Dog would be too cruel.''
Easy, girl, easy.

''You know, if you pick 'em up by their
ears, it doesn't hurt 'em as much.''

''Oh, you're goin'
straight to hell for that one!

Watch out o'er there!''
Here's an incredible coincidence.

Ho Chi Minh, Colonel Sanders--
actually the same person?

You be thejudge. Our lines are open.
Somethin'real special now.

We've got our traffic report
up there on the Ho Chi Minh Trail.
How's it goin'up there?

''Adrian, it's not goin'
exactly well.

There's a water buffalo jackknifed
up there. It's not a very pretty
picture. There's horns everywhere.

I don't know what to say.
We're gonna maybe drop in a little
napalm there and try 'n cook 'im down.

Have a little barbecue.''

The purpose of a man
is to love a woman

And the purpose of a woman
is to love a man

So come on, baby, let's start today
Come on, baby, let's play

The game of love, love
La-la-la-la-la love

We've got a special man in the audience
today. Right now, it's Mr Leo.

He's a fashion consultant for the Army.
''Oh, thank you, Adrian.
l'm just very happy to be here.

l want to tell you something.
You know, this whole camouflage thing
for me doesn't work very well. ''

Why is that? ''Well, because you go
in the jungle, I can't see you.

You know, it's like wearing
stripes and plaid. For me,
l want to do something different.

You know, you go in the jungle,
make a statement.
If you're going to fight, clash.

- You know what l mean?''
- Come on, baby, the time is right
Love your daddy with all your might

Thank you for that lovely tune.
That funky music
will drive us till the dawn.

Let's go.
Let's boogaloo till we puke.

That's about it
for the Adrian Cron Hour.

I'm gonna take myself
out of the driver's seat, but I'm
gonna turn you over right now...

to Mr Excitement,
a man with limp, damaged hair,
but nevertheless a fireball...

Dan Levitan!

This is AFRS, Radio Saigon,
and yours truly...

Dan ''The Man''Levitan.

Greetings and salutations
to any and all servicemen in the area...

and thanks so much
forjoining us.

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah, he's funny! I know funny.
This guy is funny!

Sensational!

- At ease!
- Hell, we already are.

Just cool your tongue, Airman,
because I intend to take issue
with your performance.

First of all, don't make fun
of the weather here.

And don't say that the weather
is the same all the time here,
because it's not.

- In fact, it's two degrees
cooler today than yesterday.
- Two degrees cooler?

Me without my muff.

- Muff! I tell you, this guy's funny.
- I'm trying to run a meeting here.

You know, I hate the fact
that you people never salute me.

I am a lieutenant,
and I would like salutes occasionally.

That's what being a higher rank
is all about.

Second--

- Second--
- Programming taste.

Programming taste.

Frankly, I found your ''I love
a police action'' remark way out of line.

How can you have the gall to compare
the conflict here in Vietnam...

with a glass
of cappuccino coffee?

Well, I was-- It just comes up.
I was trying to be funny.

- Funny is good. Funny is good.
- Yeah.

But then do it by using
comedy and humour...

not police action
and coffee remarks.

Furthermore, you are to stick
to playing normal modes of music...

not wild stuff.

Those we would find acceptable here
would include Lawrence Welk...

Jim Nabors, Mantovani.

- Percy Faith.
- Percy Faith. Good!

Andy Williams, Perry Como and
certain ballads by Mr Frank Sinatra.

- Would Bob Dylan be out of line?
- Way, way, way out of line.

Former VP Richard Nixon
will arrive here this week.

Dreiwitz, I've assigned you
to cover the PC.

- He likes to say PC
instead of press conference.
- And if you do hap--

- The lieutenant loves to abbreviate.
- And if you do-- And if you do--

And if you do happen to speak with him,
please be polite and to the point
at all times.

- Affirmative, sir.
- ''Affirmative, sir.'' Good.

Okay. Who do we have slated
for live entertainment in November?

Well, we originally wanted Bob Hope,
but it turns out he won't come.

- Why not?
- He doesn't play police actions,
just wars.

Bob likes a big room, sir.

- That is not funny!
- How 'bout if it escalated?

- How about if what escalated?
- The Vietnam conflict.

The Vietnam conflict.

We are not going to escalate
a whole war just so we can
book a big-name comedian!

We can get Tony Bennett
or Trini Lopez.

I got it.Jerry Vale.
He closes the Copa on the 1 8th.

- Is that date firm?
- I got it from my niece.

Oh, come on. This is not the Catskills.
Get somebody good. Get The Beach Boys.

- Don't dick around here.
- Oh, we tried, but their agent says
they're still on the beach...

and they won't be off the sand
till November! Ba-da-bing!

Uh, well, didn't somebody
wearing my uniform and bearing
a striking resemblance to myself...

just say that that kind of music
was inappropriate?

Sorry, sir.
I haven't been to sleep.

The former VP
will be here on Friday.

I expect every minute of the VP's PC
to be taped and broadcast...

within 1 2 hours of his arrival.

Something funny, Garlick?
Well, perhaps you'd like to
share it with the rest of us.

No, sir. The former vice president
is a delight, sir.

Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how
the VP is such a VIP...

shouldn't we keep the PC on the QT,
'cause if it leaks to the VC...

he could end up an MIA,
and then we'd all be put on KP.

- I would like to leave the room now.
- Oh, uh, yes, sir.

Oh, what a dip.

If you d-d-d-do--

- And if you do--
- And if you do--

Eddie Kirk here, and Ray Conniff jubilee
coming up in just a few moments.

I call it a jubilee.
Actually, it's a Ray Conniff featurette.

Three, maybe four,
back-to-back Ray Conniff classics.

We're here, sir.Jimmy Wah's.

This is the place where we
like to hang out, sir.

Real homey,
in an opium kind of way.

- Earl! Earl! Earl!
- That's Jimmy Wah. He owns the place.

Hi! Hi! Hi!
Hi! Hi!

- Now you say hi to me, then you smile.
- Hi.

Hey, you two Earl.
What about couple beer?

We'd love a couple
of beers,Jimmy.

- Are either of our names ''Earl''?
- He calls everybody Earl.

Is it me, or is Jimmy
light in the loafers?

Let me put it to you this way.
He's got this thing for Walter Brennan.

He says he wants to
buy naked photographs of the actor.

- For three years he's been trying.
- Walter Brennan?

You know, Walter Brennan
from The Real McCoys, the TV show?

Well, well, well, Luke.
Well, well.

Anyway, there's this guy from
the 1 st Battalion, 2nd Infantry...

who swore that he could get him
naked photographs of the actor.

And I've been trying to tell him that
it's no-go, but he won't listen to me.

- Oh, God. Nude photographs
of Walter Brennan.
- Here your beer.

- Thank you,Jimmy.
- Right.

Any movement on the
Walter Brennan thing?

No, and it doesn't
look good,Jimmy.

He look good to me.

Ba Muy Ba beer
best beer in Vietnam.

Ba Muy Ba beer
only beer in Vietnam.

Try it.

- Oh, what happened?
- What happened?

Formaldehyde. We put in just a touch
of formaldehyde for flavour.

Some people get sick, yeah.

So if you have to be rushed
to a hospital, then when you return...

- I give you a free salad.
- Well, that seems fair. It really does.

- You'll get used to it.
- Maybe.

- There she is. Ahh. Any girl who wants
me this bad, I can't let her down.
- Where you goin'?

- The hunt is on.
- What is wrong?
- Ah--

- I gotta catch her
before she accelerates.
- You can't go yet.

You have to taste my spicy chicken,
cooked with ex--

Hi. How's Lynn doing?

I'm sorry. You look
like Lynn's friend from Toledo.

Listen, let me make it up to you
by buying a cup of coffee. Also,
tea would fall into that category.

I not think be not correct of way.
Please. Okay?

- What'd she just say?
- She said no, sir.

But, Edward, I'm in love.
You think she likes seafood?

Um-- She's getting away. Edward,
Edward, get the Jeep! Get the Jeep!

Okay. It's-It's
blocked in by a truck.

- You can stay here, sir.
I'll talk to the guys, okay?
- We don't have time. Taxi!

- Ahh-- Bikes!
We'll buy bikes. Si habla Yiddish?
- We won't buy bikes.

- There's actually
no rubber on these tyres.
- Oh, picky, picky.

Let's go, Edward!
Yaah, the chase!

Sir! Sir, we have to get some
dignity here! A little dignity.

Sir! Sir, this is--
This is not safe.

Sir!

Sir! Sir!

- Good afternoon, class.
- Good afternoon, Mr Sloan.

Uh, the last-- last time, in our
last class, we read chapter three.

You should've gotten the one
with the training wheels, pal.

I was almost killed.

A truck's bumper
was this far from my nose.

My whole life passed before my eyes
and it wasn't even interesting to me.

How am I gonna get to first base
with this girl?

I want to buy some butter
and some cheese, please.

It zoomed right by,
just like the way they say it does.

Stamp collections, pulling chickweeds
from my dad's dichondra plants...

arranging rakes by sizes
for my mom in the garage.

Even encapsulated in two seconds,
my life is dull.

- I find that very alarming.
- Edward, stay with me on this.

- How am I gonna get this girl
to go out with me?
- You're not.

This is a very different culture.
You would need very specific...

family-sanctioned introductions
in order to talk to this girl.

- Shh! Listen.
- We read not having in book.

It read-- read for my...

- the book.
- I've never heard rhymes like that.

I've got to be with her,
at least till she learns my name.

- You think the teacher'd
be able to date her?
- Possibly.

- But you would need very...
- That's just what I wanted to hear.

specific introductions.

What we're going
to talk about today is shopping.

Shopping for dinner, and the things you
buy during, uh-- in your shopping trip.

Specifically--
Excuse me.

- Can I help you?
- Yes. I have two months to live...

and I would like to teach
before I die.

I don't think you understand me,
Sparky.

It's all yours.
You got it.

Hello, class.
My name is Adrian Cronauer.

I'd like to get to know
all of you by having you
write down your name, address...

and your home and work phone on a
piece of paper and passing it forward.

Sergeant Sloan our teacher.
You not supposed to be in here.

I was sent here on very
strict orders from a colonel.

First thing I'd like to know is,
what subject this is.

- Is it English?
- Yes, it is.

And how lucky for me.
Thank you very much for playing.

Now, let's start off with the fact
that English is a fantastic language.

Let's try a little phrase,
uh, I like to call...

''My boyfriend's back
and there's gonna be trouble.
Hey-nah, hey-nah, my boyfriend's back.''

Can we try that one?

Can we try ''My boyfriend's back''?
Anybody?

This is not for you.

Why do I feel like
the Miracle Worker up here?

- This is a nightmare.
- Uh, I don't know dick.

Even saying that means
I don't know dick. I--

I can't really teach English.
That's what Sergeant Sloan's going
to do when he comes back.

I can only tell ya
about how you can talk on,
maybe, the real streets of America.

Like, if you're walking on the streets
of New York and someone says, ''Hey!

Excuse me. I would like to buy
some cheese and some butter.''

No. No, come on.

Basically, we talk, ''Hey, man,
what's happening? Ahh, you look
hip today. Slip me some skin.''

Now, if someone in
America comes up and says, ''Hey,
slip me some skin,'' don't be afraid.

They're not a leper,
and they're not gonna go--

No. It means, ''Hey, baby,
slip me some skin.'' It's a greeting.

It's like, ''How're you doin'?
Nice to meet you. Slip me some skin.''

Now, here's how you do it.
You say, ''Slip me some skin.''
Put your hand out there.

Then you go, ''Yeah, there's some skin.''
Now you do it to me.

Yeah! Then you say,
''Groovy. Yeah.''

- Say that.
- Groovy.

Yes! Baby!

If something's really nice,
you say, ''It's groovy.''

Doesn't mean you're going like,
''Yo!'' No. It means ''groovy.''

Try that one. Say, ''Hey, baby,
what's happening? Let's groove.''

Hey, baby, wh-wh-wh-wh-what's
happening? Let's groove.

- See you later.
- Mr Cronauer, I really liking you.

- Well, I'm liking you too.
- Thank you.

- You teach, um, uh,
American thing, okay?
- Okay.

- Play game of softball.
- Okay, yeah, well, we'll try
and do that if we get the equipment.

- You forget the girl.
- Whoa. I'll let her say no.

She is say no. That is what walking
away from you means.

- I'm interested in the girl. I'm not
interested in you playing Dear Abby.
- I know because she's my sister.

I would, however, love to buy you lunch,
maybe look at a family album. Come on.

- I not like you, sir.
- Why not?

I got a great personality.
You ask anybody.

You phoney, like American
and French before you.

Here to get something,
leaving when you not get it.

You come into my class,
so maybe we like you.

- You come for the girl.
You won't get her. You go.
- Okay, Sherlock.

Yeah, I bribed my way to
meet the girl. You got me, bang.

But hey, I like the class. I'm gonna
stay. Let's be friends, okay? Come on.

- Come on. Come on.
- You like me because of my sister.

No, I like you because you're honest,
because you're shorter than I am.

We look like a before and after picture.
Now, come on. Let me buy you a beer.

Sometimes your face look like a fish
in the Gulf of Thailand.

It's true. It's very true.
That's an insult, isn't it?

You can buy me lunch,
but please forget about my sister.

I know Americans.

See a girl with the type breasts they
like and they put her in a fancy car...

and they buy her some expensive food
and then lie about money.

- And then try and take her into a bed.
- So, what's wrong with that?

It's more devout here.

- Is there any food on this street
that doesn't give you diarrhoea?
- You wanting some?

What the hell is this?

Oh, she pour Nuoc Mahmm
noodle soup with fish ball.

- Didn't know they had balls.
- Eat.

Eat. I can't.
It's still paddling.

No, it okay. I not tell you okay
otherwise. You like it.

You see?
You don't trusting me.

I trust you, man.
It's just that I can't eat something
that looks like a cesspool.

You mad I not trust you,
but truth, you not trust me.

You want be my friend,
you trusting me. You eat it.

Hey, I'll-I'll be-- I wanna be
your pal. Here, okay. I'll eat it.

Dig in. Mm-mm.

Jesus! Shit! God!

Oh! Hot!
My-- Ow! Shit!

- This stuff is burning
the hair off my feet!
- Hot?

Hot? No.
It's fuckin' great.

- She say it's a little spicy.
- A little, yeah.

Isn't that funny?
You like that too?

A little of this? Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!
She likes the Three Stooges.

Hey, Moe! Hey, Moe!

- Oh, you are being silly.
- Ohh!

- You old enough for this place?
- I think so.

Hi, Earl!
Good to see you again!

- Look at the new friend.
- A little too young for you.

I want to show you
something very nice.

- Oh, really?
- It look wonderful.

- I can confide you?
- Sure.

Look at the shape
of that soldier ankle...

the way it so elegantly
curve into his boot.

Help me get some photo
of those ankle, I give you my bar.

- You're a very sick man.
You know that, don't you?
- Ahh!

Thank you.

Oh, God.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the new voice of Saigon...

Adrian Cronauer!

Not enough for the car.

- What happened with the girl?
- It didn't work out.

I want to introduce you to someone
right now from my English class.

- This is Tuan. The guys.
- Hey, Tuan!

- Guys, Tuan.
- Hey, pull up a floor here.

Hi, Tuan.
Long time no ''twee.'' Ba-dum.

- That's terrible. That's terrible.
- Those are gorgeous gals.

I've-- I'll never have them.

I've always wanted girls like that,
but I've always had trouble,
especially as a young child.

Who the hell gets laid as a young
child? And stop calling them ''gals.''

Cowgirls are called gals. Those are
gorgeous French-Vietnamese B-girls.

Don't ruin it by conjuring up images
of Dale Evans, all right?

Can you believe the shape
of those gals-- girls?

The one in blue.

Those behinds were designed by a Jewish
scientist in Switzerland, Dr Feintush.

- Dr Heimlich Feintush.
- We're trying to figure out
how to meet them...

- but nobody can come up
with any good lines.
- Wait a minute. Try this one.
Try this one.

Oh, girls, girls!
Come on over.

Pardon me, girls?
Excuse me, girls? Hello.

Hello! Come on. Yes.

Here she comes
Miss Southeast Asia

- It says we're not supposed to
fraternize with these girls.
- Here she comes right now

- It says so in the memo.
''No fraternizing with these girls.''
In the memo!
- Thank you.

- I will note your objection.
- Forget memos. Forget memos.
These are pretty women coming.

Here she comes

- This way, please.
- Hi.

Hello, I'm William Holden.

- Oh. Oh! Bingo.
- Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.
If you believe in Santa--

- How come I don't get one?
- Dan Levitan. You've probably
heard my radio show.

What's your name?
My name is Levitan. Can you say that?

Hey, who brought in the gook?

I said, who brought in
the fuckin' gook?

I love you.

- A khaki eclipse.
- I better go now.

That's all right.
I did. Hey, come on now.

If you kick out the gooks, the next
thing, you have to kick out the chinks,
the spicks, the spooks and kikes.

All that's gonna be left in here
are a couple of brain-dead rednecks.

- And what fun would that be?
- Now's when they stop talking.

- Now, come on. Let me buy you
a couple of beers. How 'bout it?
- What, are you crazy?

- I might b--
- Shut up!
- Okay.
- Get him outta here.

Hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Come on now.

- You gotta prove somethin', knockin'
around little Vietnamese kids here?
- This is a GI bar.

We don't like gooks. We don't want
him here. You just get him out!

Everybody say ''gook,''
but it's all right.

-Jump in anytime, okay?
- We're there.

I got to tell you somethin',
you know?

I've been all around the world, seen
a lot of places and a lot of people.

I have never ever in my travels
come across a man as large as you...

with as much muscles,
who has absolutely no penis.

Ooh!

He mean that as compliment!

Oh, shit!

That's it for you, asshole!

Call police, quick!

Talk.

These two behemoths were physically
abusing a Vietnamese national. I thought
since we were here to defend their cou--

So you start a brawl. Turn the place
upside-down. Real intelligent solution.

Do you have any idea how
ridiculous it makes me look to
have a man under my command...

start a fucking bar brawl?

You're not gonna
last long here, pal.

- You can always
send me back to Crete.
- Oh, you think this is a joke?

I can come up with alternatives
other than Crete. I'm real good
at stuff like that.

I got people stuck in places
they haven't even considered
how to get out of yet.

You don't think I can
come up with somethin' good?

- Can you envision some fairly
unattractive alternatives?
- Not without slides.

A bar brawl.
That's one, Cronauer.

You better stay cool. You better
not get involved in anything.

You better not even come within range
of anything that happens...

or your ass is grass,
and I'm a lawn mower.

- Am I being fairly clear?
- Yes, sir.

''Sir''? Do you see anything on
this uniform indicating an officer?

- What does three up and three down
mean to you, Airman?
- End of an inning?

Sergeant Major.

Now, you get the hell
out of here right now.

Jesus. Enough.
Please, I'm-- Ba-- Bag it!

Wake up, Mr Sleepy Head.
You are late.

Gentlemen, what can I say
but ''hiya.''

- Hiya.
- Hiya.

Okay, which one of you guys
is throwing his voice?

Oh, censor, censor, censor.
Join the Army and mark things.

Hey, come on. What kind of
news are you leaving me there?

Nixon, Singapore,
Lake Erie. Come on.

Come on. You're on
in, like, two seconds.

It's time for Adrian Cronauer.

Good morning, Vietnam!

Hello, campers.
Remember, Monday is malaria day.

That's right. Time to take that
big orange pill and get ready
for the Ho Chi Minh two-step.

Sugar and spice
and all things nice

Kisses sweeter than wine

Sugar and spice
and all things nice

You know that little girl is mine

Everybody stops
and stares at my baby

We're back. Here's the news.
All the news that's new
and approved by the US Army...

the sweetest-smelling army
in the world.

Great Britain recognized
the island state of Singapore.

How do you recognize an island? Do you
go, exc-- Hey, wait. No, don't tell me.

Wait, wait. Didn't we meet last year
at the Feinman bar mitzvah?

You look a lot like Hawaii.
Didn't we meet last year
at the Peninsula Club? No.

Pope Paul VI
celebrated a mass in Italian.
Whoa! Call me crazy! He's in Rome.

You know, one day I want to meet him,
kiss his ring, and have it go, whrrr!

The Mississippi River broke through
a protective dike today.

What is-- What is a protective dike?
Is that a large woman standing by
the river going, ''Don't go near there''?

''But Betty--'' ''Don't go near there.
Get away from the river.
Stay away from there.''

I know we can't use the word ''dyke.'' You
can't even say ''lesbian.'' It's women in
comfortable shoes. Thank you very much.

Now here's the weather. We're gonna
go right to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt.
Roosevelt, how's it going?

''Adrian, I'm with somebody. Don't even
come here and bother me right now.''

- Well, thanks, Roosevelt.
Can't you give us a little weather?
- ''Not now, man.

I'm on the balcony,
I'm trying to score. Back off.''

Well, what's the weather like?
''You got a window? Open it.''

Thank you, Roosevelt. We'll have to
go to someone else for the weather.

I guess we'll have to go all the way
to Washington Weather Central
to Walter Cronkite.
Walter, what's the weather like?

''I just want to begin by saying
to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt...

'What it is, what it shall be,
what it was.'

Weather out there today
is hot and shitty...

with continued hot and shitty
in the afternoon.

Tomorrow a chance of continued
crappy with a pissy weather
front coming down from the north.

Basically, it's hotter than
a snake's ass in a wagon round-up. ''

Okay, we're gonna hit some songs
at you right now. Comin' your way!

What the hell was that?
Crappy weather, shitty weather?

- Comedy, sir.
- Comedy? No, no. This is not comedy.

- Comedy is fun, it's antics,
hysterical-type things.
- Hysterical-type things?

- Airman Cronauer
requesting you to elaborate, sir.
- Antics, damn it.

Comedy of errors, like
the Keystone Cops falling down.
General wackiness like that.

Falling down, that's a sight gag.
How would anyone see you
fall down on the radio, sir?

- No, no, no, no.
Not literally falling down.
- Definitely wouldn't work
on the radio, sir.

- See, sir?
- What I mean is in the spirit
of the Keystone Cops.

- Sir, it wouldn't work, l don't think.
- I don't think anybody would
see you fall through a radio, sir.

- I-I-I-I-- If a field radio--
- What are you doing here?

- Well, I thought I'd come
and help smooth things out--
- Don't help and don't smooth.

And you-- You are not funny,
but you are a maniac...

and you'd better start
changing your life.

Sir?

Thank you for that
constructive criticism. It's--

It's a privilege to take comedy notes
from a man of your stature.

Fine.Just don't
let it happen again.

Whoa.

In the dictionary under ''asshole,''
it says ''See him.''

Why am I here? All right, we're gonna
play some music for you right now.

Here we go. Here's a little
James Brown comin' your way.

Baby, help me, please.

Whoa, l feel good

l knew that l would, now

l feel good

l knew that l would, now

So good
So good

l got you

- Ow
- Ow! Ow! Back again.

When l hold you in my arms

l know that l can do no wrong

And when l hold you in my arms

My love can't do me no harm

And l feel nice
Like sugar and spice

l feel nice

- Like sugar and spice
- Sugar and spice!

- So nice
- So nice!

- So nice
- So good!
- l got you

- l feel good
- Tell 'em,James. Hurt 'em now.

- l knew that l would, now
- Good God, help me!
Work through it. Ow!

l feel good

l knew that l would

So good
So good

- Sir, Walter Cronkite
lives in New Jersey.
- It was a joke, sir.

- Yes!
- Sarcasm, sir.
- Up in Bergen County.

- That's a form of humour, sir.
Yes, sir.
- Oh, it's Hackensack!

- Yes, sir.
- How do I know?
- I'll make sure he gets the message.

- We're pretty happy with him,
too, sir. Thank you.
- Yes, I'm sure that wasn't
Walter Cronkite.

- I will tell him, sir.
- Didn't I speak to you before?
- Okay, sir. Thank you.

Very good! All right, now.
All right. Let's recap now. Okay.

- If someone is not telling the truth,
you say that they are full of--
- Shit!

- Shit.
- Yes! Okay.

If someone is making you angrier
and angrier, therefore you have--

- Pissed me off.
- Pissed me off!

Okay.Join the others if you can.
All right. Let's see--

If you say that, hey, some people in
a car-- some gypsies, they cut you off.

- All of a sudden you--
- Flip them the bird.
- The bird!

Very good. Okay. Now we got
a special situation right now.

Okay, there's a Puerto Rican waitress.
She comes over, brings you
a little thing of red soup.

She's got some tomato soup.
Oh, she slips, she spills it...

on your brand-new gaberdine pants that
you paid more than a colour TV for.

- You're a little angry,
so you say to her-- Minh?
- Uh, look what you did...

and god damn it
and stupid and crap.

That's stupid.
You don't call someone crap.

No, you step on crap.
You don't call it to a person.

- You can step on crap. I know you can.
- Yes, but they can be full of shit.
He said.

No, no. You see, you-you-you step
in shit. You can be full of crap.

I'm pretty sure you can step in crap.
I once saw it in a French movie.

How can some person look like a shit?
It impossible.

I think-- Okay, let's stop with the--
We can stop with the debate
on the great ca-ca right now.

Let's try a very special situation.
Wilkie, somethin' special, okay?
You go into a restaurant, okay?

A waitress comes up to you. You're, eh--
You're wearing your best new suit.

She comes up, she spills soup
all over you, looks at you like...

''Eh, I'm sorry.
What are you gonna do about it,
asshole?'' What do you say to her?

What would you say? They spilled
something on your pants. What would
they do? What would you do?

I do nothing.

Come on, Wilkie. It's cursing class.
You're gettin' a little pissed off.
What would you do?

I just remain reticent.

Okay, she goes in the kitchen, she gets
a knife, she starts stabbing you.

She's stabbing you.
She's putting forks in you.
She's got spoons in your eyes, Wil.

They're startin' to cut you with knives.
They're puttin' spoons in your eyes.
What would you do, Wil?

- What would you do?
- I'm waiting to die.

Mr Cronauer, we like your lessons
better than the book's.

- When we play baseball?
- When you teaching us softball?

Well, first we have to have
a little spring training, and when
I think you're ready, I'll try.

- Where are you come from?
- Queens. Bayside, Queens.

- What are Queens?
- Tall, thin men who like show tunes.

No? Big men with moustaches
named Mary who wear mascara.

Yeah, lakai!

What is a lakai?

Relax, already, crazy American.

- I make a date with you
and Trinh tomorrow.
- You did?

Nearby the larch tree, near Viet Hoa,
by the food and flower vendors where you
burn your mouth on the noodles.

- Where's that?
- The noodles, remember?

- When you burn your mouth.
- Oh, gosh, yeah.
- But I warn you: you not like it
when you get there.

- You say it ridiculous.
- Why? That's the most
ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

- Hi.
- Hi!

Oh, God.
This could be very ugly. Hi.

Chaperons.

In Vietnam, family often come...

to meet someone--
to meet someone.

Hello. Hey.
Well, the gang's all here, huh?

Oh, God, help me.
This is wonderful.

Well, you know,
you're very beautiful.

You're also very quiet.

And I'm not used to girls being
that quiet unless they're medicated.

Normally I go out with girls
who talk so much you could
hook 'em up to a wind turbine...

and they could power
a small New Hampshire town.

You talk, I think, very much.

Well, you-- you see, I'm not used to
going on a date with a grand jury,
and it makes me a little nervous.

Oh. I don't want makes
you nervous, ''Cronow.''

I knows you very nice.

And for trusting,
you is the best...

on the gently of what you say...

or never to be for both
the same and another.

Well, I had you there, babe,
but then you lost me at the end.

Hey, hey.
Hey, Uncle Phil.

Hey, there you go. Whoa!
Got one for you.

Hey, there we go. For you.
Here we go. For you.

Knock yourselves out.

What's 1 / 1 3th of a dollar
among friends? Come on.

No problem.
It's-- They're havin' a great--

Hey, listen,
I know there's no way.

But it doesn't mean
we can't have a few laughs.

Hey, I'll take
whatever you can give...

'cause I'm just happy
to be with you.

You want to see a movie
or somethin'?

- We must to ask the people.
- Hey, that's no problem.

Attention, shoppers.
People. People, settle.

''Under the Boardwalk''?
You know that one?

''Shout'' by the Isley Brothers.
You know that?

- You know any American songs at all?
- ''Puff the Magic Dragon.''

You know ''Puff the Magic Dragon''?
Can you sing it?

Puff the Magic Dragon

- Living by the tree
- That's wonderful.

Hey. Twelve, please. Um--

Take a blanket made for two now

Add a boy and a girl

That's a game for me and you now

Yeah, let's give it a whirl

Beach blanket bingo

Beach blanket bingo

Beach blanket bingo

That's the name of the game

My thoughts exactly.

Why can't I read this?
It's what's goin' on here now.

- They'd never approve
of that being released.
- That's censorship, Edward.

- That's not what America's all about.
- We're not in America, sir.

Can we please not get into this right
now? You're in the middle of a show.

Jesus, you could put amphetamine freaks
to sleep with this shit.

Got an ''Agreement on Guam''?
Sounds like bird droppings.
Oh, here's somethin' exciting.

''Hubert Humphrey visits Capitol Hill.''
Sounds like a children's story.

- That's it. I'm readin' this.
- No, I can't let you do that.

Oh, Edward, don't you ever do
anything that's not by the book?

Not when I get into trouble.
No, I don't.

You know, Eddie, sometimes
you got to specifically go out
of your way to get into trouble.

It's called fun.
What's that? Come on.

Take some chances once in a while,
Edward. That's what life's all about.

- Find anything?
- No, I'll have to make somethin' up.

Hey, we're back. That last two seconds
of silence was Marcel Marceau's newest
hit single, ''Walkin' In The Wind.''

And now here are the headlines.

Ah! Here they come at you right now.
Pope actually found to be Jewish,
Liberace is Anastasia...

and Ethel Merman
jams Russian radar.

The East Germans today claimed that
the Berlin Wall was a fraternity prank.

Also, the Pope decided today to release
Vatican-related bath products,
an incredible thing.

Yes, it's the new Pope-on-a-Rope.
That's right. Pope-on-a-Rope.

Wash with it, go straight
to heaven. Thank you!

Ethel Merman today uses
a test to jam Russian radar.
Here's a brief test of that jamming.

Oh, l've got a feeling

That love is here to stay

When asked for a reply, the Russians
went, ''What the hell was that?''

Here's a news flash.
Today President Lyndon Johnson
passed a highway beautification bill.

The bill basically said
that his daughters could not drive
in a convertible on public highways.

Hey, we got a great show
comin' your way today.

Former Vice President Richard Nixon's
in town. That's right,
the big Dick is here. Get ready.

I think there's
an incredible coincidence here.
I think he sounds exactly like Mr Ed.

You be the judge.
''I tell you this.''

Now listen: ''Wilbur, come in the room.''
An incredible coincidence.

Some more songs.
Movin' on, movin' on into the dawn
with the Dawnbusters. Yeah!

- Well, if you want me, it's all right
lt's all right
- lt's all right, it's all right

- lt's all right
- lt's all right

- Well, if you want me, it's all right
lt's all right
- lt's all right, it's all right

- lt's all right
- lt's all right

The requests will be taken
pretty soon. Requests--
Where am I gonna take requests?

Where do you call from? ''Yeah, I'm in
a phone booth out in the DMZ.

- I'm trying to call you right now.''
-And l think you're too fine

- You know, now, how l love ya
- Lock and loll, baby. Lock and loll.

Believe me
How l love ya, believe me

lf you want me, it's all right

- lf you want me, it's all right,
lt's all right
- lt's all right, it's all right

- lt's all right
- lt's all right

- Well, if you want me, it's all right
lt's all right
- lt's all right, it's all right
- Believe!

- lt's all right
- lt's all right

Once again we've got our friend
from military intelligence.

Can you tell us what you've found out
about the enemy since you've been here?

''We found out
that we can't find them.

They're out there, and we're having
a major difficulty...

in finding the enemy.''

Well, what do you use
to look for them?

''Well, we ask people,
'Are you the enemy?'

And whoever says yes,
we shoot them.''

-All right
- lt's all right

- Well, if you want me, it's all right
lt's all right
- lt's all right

''It's very difficult to find
a Vietnamese man named Charlie.

They're all named Nyugen
or Doh or things like that.

- It's very difficult for me.''
- Coming home, it feels nice

Thanks very much.
Is it true that you've actually, um--

You're actually too close to some
of the nerve agents they were testing?

''Nerve-- uh, gas?''

Yes, have you used any?

''Well, once, yes, on myself.

And it had no-- Whoa! Whoa!
No effect on me.

I've had no actual--
Whoa! She-hoo!

Whoa! Whoa! Big dogs!
Big dogs landing on my face!

I don't know what that means.''

Hey, that's it for me.
I'm outta here.

That's the end of the Adrian Cron Hour,
but I'm gonna turn you over right now
to Mr Warmth...

Dan ''The Tan'' Levitan!

Thank you so much, Adrian.

Adrian Cronauer, GIs,
a wacky and welcome addition...

- to AFRS, Radio Saigon.
- Nixon's press conference.

Well, wait till you hear it.
He's this far from sincerity.

Uh, no, man, listen. Let me just feed
my face.Just a moment. Come on.

- Where do you imagine you're going?
-Just gonna get
a little somethin' to eat.

You don't have time. You'll stay here
and drink instant beverage or something.

We promised our listening audience
Nixon highlights by 4:00 p.m.

I've been on the air for four hours.
I'm a little hungry.

- That's a joke, right? I get it.
- No, I'm actually hungry.

Well, I'm actually
giving you an order.

Oh, it's an order.
In that case, gentlemen, let's edit.

Thank you.
Mm-mmm, Campbell's.

Aha! Ha! Earl!

Ha, you again.
No more fighting, okay?

Oh, you got it.James!
Nice, shiny green suit.

- You look like an Oriental leprechaun.
- You like it?

I got it in Hong Kong...

home of the shiny
green suit.

And therefore,
there is no place for neutrality...

or a neutralist sentiment
in South Vietnam.

As l leave Vietnam today, there
is no doubt, certainly, in my mind...

- That's Nixon.
- but that the Viet Cong
will be defeated...

and that this war
will be won.

Asia does involve, l think,
very appropriately as you have
suggested, give and take.

Well, l really didn't make that
suggestion, sir. l'm sorry.

The United States
has no right to give.

- Why would Cronauer's voice
be on this tape?
- I don't know, Lieutenant.

...its territory
to the Communists.

Mr Nixon, thank you for that
concise political commentary...

but l think l'd like to delve into
something slightly more personal
for the men in the field.

How would you describe
your testicles?

- That they're soft, that they're
shallow, that they have no purpose.
- Oh, my God.

- What are you saying, sir?
- Oh, my God.
- That they lack the physical strength.

- How would you describe
your sex life with your wife Pat?
- Uh, it is unexciting sometimes.

Well, have you considered possibly
a sex change? There is an operation
that can transform you...

- Please don't do this to me.
Please don't do this to me.
- into a female Great Dane
or possibly a very well-hung Chihuahua.

Mr Nixon, while you've been in Vietnam,
it's rumoured that you smoked marijuana.

Are you planning, sir, to
take some of the marijuana home,
back to the United States?

- How would you do that?
- By plane...

by helicopter
and also by automobile.

l was wondering if you could do your
Mr Ed, because l know people love that.

Cut that thing off.
I said cut it off!

- Sir.
- Where is Cronauer?

- Still eating, sir.
- I want to see him ASAP.

- What, sir?
- As soon as possible.

- VG, sir.
- We interrupt this broadcast...

to bring you an emergency selection
of the Benny Goodman Orchestra.

We simply need to consider
taking him off the air.

Lieutenant, we get hundreds,
maybe thousands of calls
and letters each week. Fan mail.

He's the first man in the history
of Armed Forces Radio to get fan mail.

Every GI in this country
is glued to his radio twice a day...

at 0600 hours and 1 600 hours
to hear that lunatic.

Sir, the man has got
an irreverent tendency.

He did a very off-colour
parody of former VP Nixon.

- I thought it was hilarious.
- Respectfully, sir...

the former V.P. is a good man
and a decent man.

Bullshit!
I know Nixon personally.

He lugs a trainload of shit behind him
that would fertilize the Sinai.

Why, I wouldn't buy an apple from
the son of a bitch, and I consider
him a good, close, personal friend.

Let's get down to business here,
General. What the hell's goin' on here?

We've got a mounting crisis
in this country. We've got
a deejay that the men dearly love.

If you two have personal problems,
solve them, will you?

Thank you, Lieutenant.

Thank you, Lieutenant!

Speak your piece, Dick.

Due respect, sir. I have over 1 5 years
command experience in this army.

Do you really expect me to run
this radio station with nothin'
to say and no way to do it?

Right now, yes.

Yes, sir.

This is not over yet.

lf somebody wants you

- Why are you still here?
- Sparky. Sittin' back, havin'
a cup of formaldehyde here.

You say after you go out with Trinh, you
meet me to talk and discuss about her.

- There's nothing to discuss.
She doesn't like me.
- Yes, she do.

- No, she don't.
- She do liking you.
She want to meet you today.

- She's not far from here.
- I can't. I gotta be back
on the air again at 4:00.

You have to meet her today.
Otherwise you miss your big chance.

- Don't want to miss my big chance.
- Yes. Come. We go.

- You sound like you learned English
from Tonto. ''Come. We go.''
- Come on.

Okay.

- I still can't believe
she really wants to see me.
- Yeah.

I guess that beach movie
really impressed her, huh?

I gotta get her something.
Uh, what about bananas?

- No.
- No, that doesn't say
the right thing. You're right.

How 'bout--

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my bar!
Why they do that?

Get back!