All language subtitles for Eddie.Griffin.You.Can.Tell.Em.I.Said.It.2011.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Downloaded from
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[cheers and applause]

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE ONE AND ONLY,
THE EMPEROR OF COMEDY...

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

SIR EDDIE GRIFFIN!

[cheers and applause]

[hip-hop music]

♪

[cheering continues]

- EDDIE!

I LOVE YOU, EDDIE!

- I WANT TO FUCK
MICHELLE OBAMA.

[laughter and applause]

I NEED HER ON MY TEAM.

I'M WAITING ON OBAMA
TO FUCK UP.

THAT NIGGA SLIP UP,
I'MA SLIDE RIGHT IN.

WHAT'S HAPPENING, MICHELLE?

YOU LIKE COMEDY?

HA-HA-HA!

THAT'S A FINE CHOCOLATE
MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

I DIDN'T VOTE FOR OBAMA
BECAUSE OF HIM.

I VOTED BECAUSE OF HER.

[laughter and applause]

THIS IS THE FIRST FIRST LADY
THAT IS FUCKABLE.

[laughter and applause]

'CAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT
TO FUCK DADDY BUSH'S WIFE.

[laughter]

SHE LOOK LIKE SHE JUMPED OFF
THE DOLLAR BILL.

LOOK AT THAT!

THAT'S GEORGE WASHINGTON!

[laughter and applause]

AND YOU DIDN'T WANT
TO FUCK GEORGE JR.'S WIFE.

SHE LOOK LIKE THE MAMA
ON DAMIEN: OMEN.

EVERY TIME I SEE HER FACE,
ALL I HEAR IS...

[imitating The Omentitle theme]

LOOK LIKE THE BITCH HEAD ABOUT
TO SPIN AROUND

AT ANY MOMENT, NIGGA.

AND I DON'T THINK YOU WANTED
TO FUCK HILLARY EITHER.

I DON'T THINK HILLARY
LIKE DICK.

SHE WEAR MORE PANTSUITS THAN
A BROTHER AT A FUNERAL.

[laughter and applause]

NOW HERE'S HOW I KNOW OBAMA
GOT SOME PIMP IN HIM.

ALL RIGHT?

REMEMBER WHEN, UH, HILLARY
WAS RUNNING AGAINST HIM?

SHE TALKING ALL
THAT SHIT ABOUT OBAMA.

OBAMA GOT THE JOB.

HE GAVE HERA JOB.

THAT'S PIMPIN'.

[cheers and applause]

AND WHAT JOB DID
THE BROTHER GIVE HER?

SECRETARY OF STATE.

WHAT'S THE SECRETARY
OF STATE'S JOB?

GET THE FUCK OUT THE COUNTRY.

HE BANISHED THAT BITCH
TO FOREIGN LANDS.

[laughter and applause]

AND THE HAPPIEST MOTHERFUCKER
ABOUT IT

IS BILL CLINTON.

[laughter and applause]

YOU KNOW BILL AT HOME,

"THANK YOU, OBAMA.

I CAN GET MY DICK SUCKED
EVERY DAY."

NOW I KNEW OBAMA...

I KNEW HE HAD SOME NIGGA
IN HIM.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE AT FIRST,
YOU COULDN'T TELL.

BUT ONE DAY,
IT JUMPED OUT OF HIM.

[laughter and applause]

Y'ALL REMEMBER THAT DAY
HIM AND GEORGE BUSH

WAS WALKING OUTSIDE
THE WHITE HOUSE

AND HIS SWAG WAS ON 250?

[laughter and applause]

I'M SITTING AT THE CRIB
WATCHING IT ON TV.

I SAID, "THAT MOTHERFUCKER'S
A PIMP."

YOU COULD DAMN NEAR HEAR
THE CONVERSATION.

"HURRY UP AND GET YOUR SHIT
OUT MY HOUSE.

"TAKE YOUR PUNK ASS BACK
TO TEXAS.

YOU BITCH!"

[laughter]

'CAUSE AT FIRST,
I THOUGHT OBAMA

WAS AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN.

AND WHITE PEOPLE,
I KNOW Y'ALL THINK

ALL BLACK PEOPLE THE SAME.

MM-MMM.
MM-MMM!

WE JUST LIKE YOU WHITE FOLKS.

YOU GOT DIFFERENT
KIND OF WHITE FOLKS.

YOU GOT HONKIES,
YOU GOT CRACKERS,

YOU GOT REDNECKS,
YOU GOT WHITE GUYS.

[laughter and applause]

BLACK PEOPLE THE SAME WAY.

YOU GOT BLACK FOLKS.

"JUST DON'T WANT
TO BE BOTHERED."

YOU GOT OLD NEGROES.

"I SURE WISH SLAVERY'D
COME BACK.

MASTA WAS SO GOOD TO US."

AND YOU GOT AFRICAN-AMERICANS.

"I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE
CUM DA-LA."

[laughter]

AND THEN YOU HAVE NIGGAS.

WHICH I HAPPEN
TO BE A MEMBER OF.

[laughter and applause]

'CAUSE NIGGAS KNOW
THERE'S SOME BULLSHIT

RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY,
"THERE'S NO MORE RACISM"?

YOU KNOW, SINCE OBAMA GOT
IN OFFICE, YOU KNOW?

"YOU GOT A BLACK PRESIDENT.
THERE'S NO MORE RACISM."

BULLSHIT.

THEY JUST GOT SLICK
WITH THE SHIT.

THEY DON'T SAY "NIGGER"
ANYMORE.

THEY JUST SAY,
"WE'RE NOT HIRING."

TRANSLATION?
"NIGGER!"

"I'M SORRY.
YOUR BANK LOAN HAS BEEN DENIED."

"NIGGER!"

"PULL OVER, NIGGER!"

NOW, OBAMA--
HERE'S HOW I REALLY KNEW

HE HAD SOME NIGGA IN HIM.

HE THREW A BARBECUE...

AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

HE INVITED THE NBA,
THE NFL, EVERY RAPPER.

I THINK I WAS THE ONLY NIGGA
THAT WASN'T THERE.

YOU KNOW WHITE PEOPLE
WAS SITTING AT HOME,

"MY GOD!
IT'S ALL OVER!

"THE NIGGERS
ARE BARBECUING!

"THEY'RE LICKING THEIR FINGERS!
THEY'RE LICKING THEIR FINGERS!

THEY GOT COLLARD GREENS
AND BLACK-EYED PEAS."

HERE'S HOW I REALLY KNEW
HE WAS FROM THE HOOD.

HE PUT A SWING SET--

I DON'T THINK Y'ALL HEARD ME.

HE PUT A SWING SET
ON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN.

THAT'S SOME NIGGA SHIT!

HE GOT ENOUGH MONEY
AND POWER

TO SEND HIS DAUGHTERS
TO DISNEYLAND

EVERY DAY, EVERY DAY.

HE SAID, "FUCK THAT.

"PUT THAT SWING SET OUTSIDE
THAT WINDOW

SO I CAN KEEP MY EYE
ON THEY LITTLE ASS."

'CAUSE BLACK PEOPLE,
WE WATCH OUR KIDS.

I'M TALKING TO YOU,
WHITE FOLKS.

I'M TIRED OF SEEING Y'ALL KIDS
ON MY MILK CARTON.

YOU KNOW, YOU JUST TRYING
TO POUR SOME MILK

ON YOUR CEREAL
AND THERE'S ALWAYS

THAT LITTLE WHITE FACE WITH
THE CAPTION UNDERNEATH IT.

"HAVE YOU SEEN ME?"

NO, I AIN'T SEEN
YOUR LITTLE ASS!

AND HOW COME YOUR PARENTS
DON'T KNOW

WHERE THE HELL YOU AT?

YOU AIN'T NEVER SEEN
LITTLE BROTHERS

AND SISTERS ON A MILK CARTON.

'CAUSE IF YOU DID,
THEY'D BE POSING.

[laughter]

WHEN WHITE PEOPLE TELL THEY KIDS
TO GO OUT AND PLAY,

THEY MEAN THAT SHIT.

THEY KIDS BE FIVE MILES AWAY.

NIGGA, THEY OUT IN THE WOODS.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
THEY DUCT TAPED IN THE BACK

OF THE VAN,
LIVING IN SOMEBODY TENT

IN THE BACKYARD
FOR 20 MOTHERFUCKING YEARS.

Y'ALL REMEMBER THE LITTLE
WHITE BITCH

THAT WAS IN THE BACK--
I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO CALL HER
A LITTLE WHITE BITCH.

I DON'T KNOW THE WHOLE--
THE LITTLE WHITE BITCH

WAS IN THE BACKYARD.

THAT AIN'T MOTHERFUCKING
KIDNAPPING.

THAT'S ADOPTION.

20 YEARS YOU GOT
TO FEED AND CLOTHE

THIS LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER?

SHIT, BLACK PEOPLE, WE TRYING
TO GET RID OF OUR OWN KIDS.

"HERE, TAKE ONE OF
THESE MOTHERFUCKERS."

SHIT, 'CAUSE I REMEMBER WHEN
WE WAS COMING UP.

AND BLACK PEOPLE,
BACK ME UP ON THIS.

WHEN WE WAS COMING UP,
REMEMBER YOUR PARENTS TELL YOU,

"YOU CAN PLAY
TO THE END OF THIS BLOCK."

REMEMBER?
THAT'S AS FAR AS YOUR ASS GO.

AIN'T NO GOING OUT
TO THE WOODS.

THE END OF THAT
MOTHERFUCKING BLOCK.

AND I REMEMBER MY MAMA
TOLD ME,

"IF YOU GO ANY FURTHER,
I'MA FUCK YOU UP."

[laughter and applause]

I REMEMBER ONE DAY, ME AND
MY PARTNER DON AND JUNIOR.

WE KICKING IT, RIGHT?

WE GET UP TO THE CORNER,
NIGGA.

BOOM, BOOM.

THEY LIKE, "ED, COME ON.

"LET'S GO ON THE NEXT BLOCK.

LET'S SEE WHAT'S OVER THERE."

BOY, I WAS NERVOUS.

THAT'S WHEN YOU LOOK DOWN
TO SEE

IF YOUR MAMA
ON THE FRONT PORCH.

MY MAMA LOOKING ME
DEAD IN THE EYE.

[laughter and applause]

I COULDN'T HEAR HER,
BUT HER MOUTH SAID...

[mouths silently]
"I'MA FUCK YOU UP."

[laughter and applause]

MY UNCLE BUCKY HAD HIS PISTOL.

HE'S LIKE, "I CAN SHOOT
YOUR ASS FROM HERE."

NIGGA, I'M LIKE,
"UH, YOU KNOW, UH--"

THEY LIKE,
"YOU AIN'T GOING, ED?"

I'M LIKE, "NAH, MAN.

YOU KNOW, I CAUGHT
A CHARLIE HORSE."

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I AIN'T TRYING
TO LOOK LIKE NO PUNK, MAN.

"I GOT A HORSE, YOU KNOW?"

THEY LIKE,
"AWW, YOU A BITCH-ASS NIGGA."

I SAID,
"I'LL BE THE BITCH TODAY.

"I'D RATHER FIGHT BOTH
OF Y'ALL THAN TAKE

"ONE ASS-WHUPPING FROM HER.

SEE YA!"

[laughter and applause]

MY MAMA BEAT ME OUT OF
THE PENITENTIARY.

AS Y'ALL CAN SEE,
I'S FREE.

[laughter and applause]

AND OBVIOUSLY,
Y'ALL PARENTS WHUPPED Y'ALL

OUT THE PENITENTIARY,
'CAUSE Y'ALL HERE.

WE'S FREE.

THEM TWO BROTHERS
I'M TALKING ABOUT

LOCKED UP RIGHT NOW.

'CAUSE PAIN GIVE YOU A MEMORY
OF WHAT NOT TO DO.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

YOUR PARTNER BE LIKE,
"COME ON, ED,

LET'S ROB THIS LIQUOR STORE."

"I AIN'T GOING.

I'M COOL RIGHT HERE."

[laughter]

HELL, IT'S ROUGH BEING
A KID NOWADAYS, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THE TEACHERS IS FUCKIN' 'EM.

THE PREACHERS IS FUCKIN' 'EM.

NO WONDER THE KIDS IS CARRYING
GUNS TO SCHOOL.

THEY TIRED OF GETTIN' FUCKED.

EVERYWHERE THEY TURN,
SOMEBODY GOT A DICK FOR 'EM.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

NOW THEY GOT THIS
BROTHER, EDDIE LONG.

[crowd ohs]

OH, DON'T "OOH" ME.
I DIDN'T MAKE THE SHIT UP.

Y'ALL SEEN THE STORY.

AND, YOU KNOW, AT FIRST,

I HAD TO GIVE THE BROTHER
THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I'M LIKE, "NO.

BLACK PREACHERS DON'T
FUCK LITTLE BOYS."

THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN A WHITE CHURCH

AND A BLACK CHURCH.

WHITE CHURCHES FUCK YOUR SON.

BLACK CHURCH FUCK YOUR WIFE.

[laughter and applause]

IF YOU GOING TO CHURCH
AND YOUR WIFE

IS CONSTANTLY SITTING
ON THE FRONT ROW--

NIGGA.

REVEREND DICK 'EM DOWN.

SO I'M LIKE, "NO.
EDDIE LONG,

"THEY JUST TALKING SHIT
ABOUT THIS BROTHER

'CAUSE HE MAKING MONEY
WITH HIS CHURCH."

THEN I SEEN ONE OF THE KIDS.
REMEMBER?

HE GOT ON THE NEWS LAST WEEK.

AND THE KID WAS LIKE,

"YOU KNOW...

HE CAN'T LOOK ME IN MY EYE."

AND HE LOOKING DEAD
IN THE CAMERA.

"HE CAN'T LOOK ME IN MY EYE.

"HE AIN'T NO PREACHER.
HE'S A PREDATOR!

I COULDN'T TAKE ENOUGH SHOWERS
TO GET HIS SCENT OFF OF ME."

NIGGA, I'M SITTING AT HOME.
I'M LIKE,

"NIGGA, SOUND LIKE YOU
WAS IN LOVE."

[laughter]

SHIT, GOD GAVE THAT
MOTHERFUCKING PREACHER

THE RIGHT LAST NAME.

"LONG."

[mic thuds]

HE BEEN LONG-STROKIN'
THEM LITTLE BOYS.

[laughter]

AND HERE'S HOW I KNOW
THE MOTHERFUCKER GUILTY.

'CAUSE HE GOT UP
IN THE PULPIT

AND TALKED FOR A HALF HOUR.

NOT ONE TIME DID HE SAY,
"I DIDN'T DO IT."

THAT MOTHERFUCKER SAID,
"I GOT FIVE ROCKS

AND I AIN'T THROWN ONE YET."

I SAID, "THAT'S THE GAYEST
SHIT I EVER HEARD

IN MY LIFE."

THAT NIGGA DIDN'T SAY,
"I GOT FIVE BULLETS.

I AIN'T BUST A CAP
ON A MOTHERFUCKER."

THAT NIGGA SAID,
"I GOT FIVE ROCKS

AND I AIN'T THROWN ONE YET."

[laughter and applause]

AND DID YOU SEE HOW
THE NIGGA DROPPED THE MIC?

[mic thuds]

[laughter and applause]

I SAT AT HOME.
I SAID, "HE DID IT.

HE DID IT."

HE PULLED OUT
HIS POLE OF MOSES,

PARTED THAT LITTLE BOY'S
RED SEA

AND LET HIS PEOPLE GO.

JUST TO KEEP IT BIBLICAL.

TRUTH LIKE RAIN.

DON'T GIVE A FUCK
WHO IT FALL ON.

I DON'T GO TO CHURCH.

GOD DON'T LIVE IN CHURCH.

THEY SAY THE BODY
IS THE TEMPLE.

I'M WALKING TO CHURCH
RIGHT NOW.

[applause]

SOON AS YOU GO TO CHURCH,
THERE'S SOMEBODY TRYING

TO STICK A DICK IN YOU
AND THEY NEED SOME MONEY.

[laughter and applause]

EVERY WAR IN HUMANITY'S
HISTORY HAS BEEN

OVER SOME KIND OF
MOTHERFUCKING RELIGION.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DON'T GET CAUGHT UP
IN THAT BULLSHIT

'CAUSE I DON'T THINK GOD
EVER WROTE A BIBLE

OR A QUR'AN.

HE DIDN'T HAVE TO WRITE
NO SHIT.

HE AIN'T NO PLAYWRIGHT.

IT'S WRITTEN IN YOUR ESSENCE,

'CAUSE THE BIBLE
WAS WRITTEN BY MEN.

THE BOOK OF PETER.
THE BOOK OF JOHN.

THE WHOLE BOOK ABOUT JESUS,
BUT THAT NIGGA

AIN'T WROTE ONE BOOK.

THE MOTHERFUCKER THAT IT'S
ABOUT DIDN'T WRITE SHIT.

ALL THE HANG-OUTS
WROTE A BOOK.

"SHIT, I KNOW THE NIGGA,
NIGGA."

AND YOU NOTICE IN EACH ONE
OF 'EM BOOK,

THEY THE CLOSEST ONE
TO JESUS.

PETER LIKE, "SHIT, ME AND JESUS
WAS TIGHT, NIGGA."

IN JOHN'S BOOK, "SHIT, I WAS
DAMN NEAR THE NIGGA'S DADDY.

YOU KNOW."

GOD DIDN'T WRITE NO BOOK.

IT'S WRITTEN IN YOUR ESSENCE.

NOBODY EVER HAD TO TELL YOU
IT'S WRONG TO KILL YOUR MAMA.

SOMEHOW YOU BORN INNATELY
KNOWING THAT.

WHICH MEANS YOU BORN KNOWING
RIGHT AND WRONG,

SO PUT THE BOOK DOWN,
'CAUSE IT WILL FUCK YOU UP.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

[laughter]

IT STARTS OUT MESSED UP
IN THE BEGINNING.

IN THE BOOK OF GENESIS,
"IN THE BEGINNING,

"THERE WAS ADAM AND EVE,
AND ADAM AND EVE

"HAD TWO SONS,
CAIN AND ABEL,

AND CAIN AND ABEL
GOT MARRIED."

TO WHO?

WHERE DID THESE MYSTERY BITCHES
COME FROM?

[laughter and applause]

I LIKE MESSING WITH CHRISTIANS,
MAN.

'CAUSE THEY EASY TO GET.

YOU CAN GET UNDER
THEY SKIN QUICK, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW, I'LL TELL
A CHRISTIAN IN A MINUTE--

I'LL SAY, "I DON'T BELIEVE
JESUS DIED...

ON NO CROSS."

"SACRILEGE!"

I SAID, "WELL, WAIT A MINUTE.
HE CAN WALK ON WATER,

"FEED 1,000 WITH A LOAF
OF BREAD,

"RAISE THE DEAD.

"BUT YOU TELLING ME
THIS NIGGA

COULDN'T HANDLE
THREE NAILS?"

I KNOW BROTHERS
WITH NINE BULLET WOUNDS

STILL WALKING AROUND.

HIS NAME IS 50 CENT.

YOU TELLING ME 50 CENT
COLDER THAN JESUS?

MAYBE YOU DELUSIONAL,
MOTHERFUCKER.

I BET YOU JESUS WAS
A COOL KID.

HIS MAMA BE LIKE,
"NOW, JESUS,

"GO ON IN THERE
AND TAKE A BATH

AND DON'T BE WALKIN'
ON YOUR WATER."

HE IN THERE...

[grunting melodically]

THAT'S PROBABLY WHY
THEY INVENTED THE SHOWER.

JUST TO GET THE NIGGA WET.

[laughter and applause]

LOOK AT SOME OF THE CHRISTIAN
HEADS IN HERE.

"YOU GOING TO HELL.

"DON'T BE TALKING 'BOUT JESUS,
EDDIE.

DON'T BE TALKING 'BOUT HIM."

YOU KNOW HOW JESUS WHISTLE?

[whistles]

YOU KNOW, WITH THE HOLE
IN THE HAND.

[laughter and applause]

LOOK, Y'ALL REALLY LIKE,
"NIGGA, THAT'S IT.

THE LIGHTNING'S COMING."

[laughter]

CHRISTIANS ALWAYS
THE FIRST ONE TO WANT TO SEND

SOMEBODY TO HELL.

"YOU GOING TO HELL."

HOW THE FUCK YOU KNOW?

LIKE GOD CAME DOWN.

"UH, LET THAT NIGGA KNOW
HE GOING TO HELL.

I'M KIND OF BUSY RIGHT NOW."

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'M MADE IN MY HEAVENLY
FATHER'S IMAGE.

IF I GOT A SENSE OF HUMOR,

THAT MEAN GOD GOT ONE.

GOD PROBABLY UP THERE CRACKING
UP RIGHT NOW.

"HEY, JESUS, COME HERE!

"THAT CRAZY NIGGA
I MADE IS ON!

"HE TALKING ABOUT YOU, BOY.

"HE SAID YOU WALK
ON YOUR BATHWATER.

"HE SAID YOU WHISTLE
LIKE THIS.

"AH, DON'T GET MAD, NIGGA.
THAT SHIT WAS FUNNY.

THAT SHIT WAS FUNNY."

[laughter]

THEY ALWAYS TRY TO MAKE GOD
THIS UPTIGHT

ASSHOLE MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, IF YOU GET SOME PUSSY,
YOU GOING TO HELL.

YOU MADE THE PUSSY!

SHOULDN'T HAVE MADE IT
SO MOTHERFUCKING GOOD.

I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF
CATCH-22 IS THAT?

"HERE, EDDIE.
HERE'S SOME PUSSY,

BUT DON'T PARTAKE IN IT."

SHIT, NIGGA.

[laughter and applause]

SEE, I'D BE A MUSLIM,
BUT THE MUSLIM FAITH,

THEY TOO STRICT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YOU CAN'T SMOKE NO WEED.

YOU CAN'T
GET YOUR DICK SUCKED

BY A BITCH THAT AIN'T
YOUR WIFE.

MATTER OF FACT, YOU CAN'T
SEE YOUR WIFE'S FACE

UNTIL YOU MARRY HER.

THEY KEEP 'EM VEILED UP.

ALL YOU GET TO SEE
IS THE EYES.

YOU REALLY GOT TO LOVE
THAT BITCH'S EYES.

YOU BE LIKE, "DAMN.

SHE GOT SOME PRETTY EYES."

THEN YOU MARRY HER ASS,
THE VEIL COME OFF.

NAH-NAH-NAH!

[laughter and applause]

NO WONDER THEY GET 20 WIVES.

YOU PLAYING THE LAW
OF AVERAGES.

[laughter]

I'M TELLING YOU,
I THINK CHRISTIANS

ARE JEALOUS OF MUSLIMS,
'CAUSE YOU AIN'T

GONNA OUT-DEVOUT A MUSLIM.

THAT'S THE MOST DEVOUT FAITH
YOU'LL EVER RUN INTO.

A MUSLIM WILL STRAP A BOMB
ON THEY SELF

AND BLOW THEY SELF UP
ABOUT SOME MUHAMMAD.

ASK A CHRISTIAN
TO PUT A BOMB ON

AND BLOW THEY SELF UP
ABOUT JESUS.

"NAW.

"HE WOULDN'T WANT ME
TO DO THAT.

[laughter and applause]

"HE JUST BLESSED ME
WITH THIS HOUSE.

I'M SURE HE WANTS ME
TO LIVE IN IT."

[laughter and applause]

EVERYBODY FIGHTING OVER
THIS RELIGION SHIT.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

THE CHRISTIANS SAY JESUS
IS THE MESSENGER.

THE MUSLIMS SAY IT'S MUHAMMAD.

I SAY, "WHO GIVES A FUCK
WHO THE MESSENGER IS?

DID YOU GET THE MESSAGE?"

[cheers and applause]

THEY GOT
THE SAME DAMN MESSAGE.

DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD
HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU.

SCIENCE PROVES THAT
TO BE A FACT.

FOR EVERY ACTION,
THERE'S AN OPPOSITE

AND EQUAL REACTION.

DON'T FUCK WITH ME

AND I WON'T FUCK WITH YOU.

[applause]

I'LL TELL YOU SOMEBODY WHO NEEDS
JESUS RIGHT AROUND NOW.

TIGER WOODS.

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN TIGER WOODS
KEPT TALKING THAT SHIT?

"ARE YOU A NIGGA?"

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I AM A COMPLICASIAN."

OH, IT'S COMPLICATED NOW,
HUH?

OH, HE'S A NIGGA NOW
FOR SURE.

THEY HANDED THAT MOTHERFUCKER
HIS NIGGA CARD.

ACCEPTED NOWHERE.

[laughter and applause]

AND YOU KNOW WHAT WHITE PEOPLE
REALLY MAD AT?

WHEN THEY LOVED TIGER,
THAT NIGGA WAS AT THEY HOUSE,

AT THE MANSIONS,
AND THEY THINKING BACK.

YOU KNOW, THE MOTHERFUCKER
WOULD BE LIKE,

"TIGER, STAY HERE
WITH MY WIFE.

I'MA GO TO THE STORE
AND GET US SOME MORE WINE."

THAT WHITE MAN'S SITTING
THERE NOW.

"HE PROBABLY FUCKED
MY WIFE."

'CAUSE TIGER
WAS SLANGIN' DICK!

[laughter and applause]

WHAT I LIKE ABOUT TIGER,
HE KEPT IT GOLF.

HE HAD 18 HOS.

ONE FOR EVERY HOLE OF GOLF.

$750 MILLION HE HAD
TO PAY HIS EX-WIFE.

LADIES, Y'ALL NEED
TO CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

SINCE WHEN DID PUSSY BECOME
HIGHER CASE VALUE THAN DICK?

IT ALL BEGINS WITH DICK.

FUCKING DON'T BEGIN
TILL A DICK GET HARD.

WHEN A DICK GO SOFT,
FUCKING'S OVER.

[laughter]

NOW, HERE'S WHERE TIGER
MESSED UP.

NOW, FELLAS, I WANT Y'ALL
TO LOOK AT THE WOMAN

SITTING NEXT TO YOU
THAT YOU BROUGHT HERE.

LOOK AT HER RIGHT NOW!

LOOK AT HER!

NOW, YOU SEE HOW FINE SHE IS?

DON'T EVER FUCK NOTHING
UGLIER THAN HER.

[laughter and applause]

YOU DON'T FUCK DOWN.

YOU FUCK UP.

YOU FUCK A WOMAN UGLIER
THAN YOUR WOMAN,

SHE GONNA BE MADDER
THAN A MOTHERFUCKER.

"NIGGA, I KNOW I LOOK BETTER
THAN THAT BITCH!

"NIGGA, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?"

THAT'S WHEN THEY GO CRAZY.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG
WITH ME?

"I LOOK BETTER THAN
THAT BITCH!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?"

[laughter and applause]

YOU FUCK A BITCH THAT'S FINER
THAN YOUR WOMAN,

SHE GONNA ACT LIKE
SHE MAD,

BUT SHE CAN'T GET MAD.

SHE GONNA LOOK AT HIM LIKE,

"SHIT, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT NIGGA
COULD CATCH THAT.

I'MA HAVE TO STEP
MY GAME UP."

[laughter and applause]

RICH BLACK MAN AND WHITE WOMAN
DON'T GO TOGETHER.

ASK O.J., KOBE,
TIGER WOODS.

IT AIN'T NO GOOD.

[laughter and applause]

'CAUSE WHITE WOMEN WILL
SET YOUR ASS

SMOOTH TO FUCK UP.

OH, NIGGA, THEY'D BETTER LEARN
THEY HISTORY.

SEE, THEY SAY BLACK WOMEN ARE
THE STRONGEST WOMEN ON EARTH.

IN A WAY.

BUT AT LEAST A SISTER GONNA
LET YOU KNOW UP FRONT.

"NIGGA, I WILL FUCK YOU UP."

YOU KNOW WHAT
YOU DEALING WITH.

WHITE WOMEN SNEAKY.

"REALLY?

IT'S LIKE THAT, TOM?"

THEM BITCHES GRAB THE PHONE.

"HELLO?
OFFICER?

HE RAPED ME."

WHITE WOMEN PLAY VICTIM QUICKER
THAN A MOTHERFUCKER.

BUT THAT WHITE MAN GOTTA LEARN
FROM YOU WHITE WOMEN.

SEE, WHEN THAT WHITE MAN
GET MAD, HE GET MAD.

YOU KNOW, BROTHERS,
WE GET MAD, WE MARCH.

♪ WE SHALL OVERCOME

YOU KNOW,
WE GET A GOOD MARCH IN,

MISSPELL SIGNS,
WE GONE.

THAT WHITE MAN GET MAD,
NIGGA, HE SNAP.

YOU KNOW, WHITE WOMEN LIKE,
"I'M TAKING THE KIDS.

"I'M TAKING THE HOUSE.
WE'RE GONE.

WE'RE OUT OF HERE,
YOU ASSHOLE."

THAT WHITE MAN BE LIKE THIS.

"I CAME FROM A LONG LINE
OF BROOKSHIRES.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA TAKE MY SEED
FROM ME, GUINEVERE."

NOW, HERE'S THE ONE SENTENCE
THAT WHITE MAN

GOT FOR THEY ASS.

"OVER MY DEAD BODY."

AND THAT MOTHERFUCKER
MEAN THAT SHIT.

"OVER MY DEAD BODY.

"I'LL KILL YOU.

"THEN I'LL KILL THE KIDS.

"I'LL BURN THE FUCKING HOUSE
TO THE GROUND,

THEN I'LL DO MYSELF."

[laughter and applause]

BROTHER CAN'T EVEN TRY
THAT SHIT.

SISTER BE LIKE,
"NIGGA, I'M LEAVING YOU."

"I'MA KILL YOU."

"YOU KILLING WHO?

"LET THE KILLING BEGIN,
MOTHERFUCKER!

"OH, NIGGA, LET'S GET
SOME KILLING GOING!

NO, NIGGA! WHAT, MOTHERFUCKER?
WHAT? WHAT?"

NIGGA BE LIKE, "I'M JUST
PLAYING, GIRL.

"I'M JUST PLAYING.

"YOU KNOW I'M JOKING
WITH YOU, GIRL.

YOU KNOW I'M JOKING WITH YOU.
YOU KNOW I'M JOKING WITH YOU."

WE DON'T EVEN GET TO THE PART
OF BURNING THE HOUSE DOWN

AND THE KIDS.

[laughter and applause]

THEY ALWAYS TRY TO MAKE IT
LIKE EVERYBODY'S

AFTER THE WHITE WOMAN.

YOU LOOK AT THE MOVIES.

KING KONG AFTER THE BITCH.

NOW, Y'ALL KNOW
DAMN WELL

THIS IS A NIGGA STORY.

YOU KNOW,
THE BIG OL' GORILLA.

HE HAD ALL THEM FINE
AFRICAN SISTERS.

SEEN ONE WHITE WOMAN
AND LOST HIS MIND.

THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT
"JUNGLE FEVER."

THAT MOTHERFUCKER KONG GOT
THAT WHITE BITCH.

NIGGA, HE PICKED HER UP.
JUST BLOWING ON THE HO.

[blowing]

"I GOT MY WHITE BITCH!
I GOT MY WHITE BITCH!"

THEY TOOK HIS WHITE BITCH.

THAT MOTHERFUCKER SWAM
TO NEW YORK.

THEY TOOK THE BITCH UP
ON A BUILDING.

"WHERE'S MY WHITE BITCH?

I NEED MY WHITE BITCH!"

[laughter and applause]

AHH!

[mic thuds against chest]

DRACULA AFTER THE BITCH.

"WHERE THE WHITE BITCH?
WHERE THE WHITE BITCH?"

YOU AIN'T NEVER SEEN DRACULA
BITE A SISTER.

SISTER BE LIKE,
"YOU BETTER PUT THEM

"MOTHERFUCKING FANGS UP.

"DON'T BE COMING AROUND MY NECK
WITH THAT BULLSHIT.

"I AIN'T FREAKY LIKE THAT.

"NOW, YOU CAN EAT MY PUSSY,
NIGGA.

[laughter]

I'M ON MY PERIOD.
YOU WANT SOME BLOOD?"

[laughter and applause]

AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY

DRACULA BITE FRESH BITCHES.

BITCH ON HER PERIOD.

ALL THE BLOOD YOU WANT,
MOTHERFUCKER.

[smooches]
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

HE COULD PULL
THE TAMPON OUT,

SUCK ON IT LIKE A LOLLIPOP.

USE THE STRING
LIKE DENTAL FLOSS.

[laughter and applause]

THEY GOT SOME NEW
KIND OF WHITE WOMEN NOW.

YOU KNOW, I'M IN MY 40s.

YOU KNOW, I REMEMBER WHEN ALL
WHITE WOMEN HAD STRAIGHT BACKS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
NO ASS.

JUST A LONG BACK.

YOU KNOW, YOU COULD
LAY 'EM DOWN,

GET A GOOD CREASE
IN YOUR PANTS.

IRONING BOARDS
LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

NOW THEY GOT SOME ASS ON 'EM.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU
WHITE WOMEN ARE EATING,

BUT KEEP IT UP.

'CAUSE THEY'D BE WALKING
DOWN THE STREET.

♪ GA-GONK GA-GONK

"YOU GOT COMPETITION,
LAQUEISHA."

[laughter and applause]

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, EVERY CITY
I GO TO ON TOUR,

THERE'S ALWAYS THE BROTHER
WITH THE WHITE WOMAN.

NOW, BROTHERS, LET ME ASK
Y'ALL SOMETHING,

'CAUSE I SEE A COUPLE OF Y'ALL
HERE WITH YOUR WHITE WOMEN.

WHY, WHEN Y'ALL GET
A WHITE WOMAN,

Y'ALL GET THE UGLIEST
WHITE BITCH IN TOWN?

[cheers and applause]

AND BE WALKING PROUD WITH 'EM.

"YEAH, THIS IS MINE."

HOLDING HANDS AND SHIT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BROTHERS DON'T EVEN HOLD HANDS
WITH THEY OWN SISTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YOU WATCH A BROTHER

WALKING DOWN A STREET.

SISTER BE BEHIND 'EM.
"NIGGA, I'M WITH YOU."

"COME ON.
KEEP UP."

NIGGA GET A WHITE WOMAN,
ACT LIKE HE HIT THE JACKPOT.

"YES, I GOT HER."

BUT WHEN YOU SEE A WHITE MAN
WITH A SISTER...

OH, THEY GET THE BADDEST SISTER
THEY GOT IN TOWN.

OH, WHITE BOYS DON'T
FUCK AROUND.

WHEN THEY GET A SISTER,
THEY GET A SISTER.

AND THEY BE WALKING,
HOLDING HANDS.

"GODDAMN RIGHT I GOT HER.

I'M GONNA TEACH HER
HOW TO RIVERDANCE."

[laughter and applause]

NOTHING AGAINST
YOU WHITE PEOPLE.

Y'ALL JUST DIFFERENT.

YOU KNOW HOW THEM
MOTHERFUCKERS SAY

THEY DON'T LIKE BLACK PEOPLE,
RIGHT?

AND THE ONES THAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT,

I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU.

NOT ALL WHITE PEOPLE.
THERE'S SOME COOL MOTHERFUCKERS.

YOU'RE HERE.

OBVIOUSLY, MOTHERFUCKER,
YOU'RE HERE.

BUT YOU KNOW THE ONES
I'M TALKING ABOUT,

THEM MOTHERFUCKING RACIST
SONS OF BITCHES.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

"I DON'T LIKE BLACK PEOPLE."

WELL, WHY YOU LAY OUT
IN THE SUN

AND TRY TO BECOME BLACK?

[cheers and applause]

YOU DON'T SEE BLACK
PEOPLE LAYING OUT

IN THE MOONLIGHT TRYING
TO LIGHTEN UP.

LIKE, "BROTHER,
WHAT YOU DOING?"

"NIGGA, I'M TRYING TO GET
THAT PRINCE TONE, NIGGA.

MORRIS DAY UP IN THIS BITCH,
NIGGA."

BE HAPPY TO BE WHITE,
WHITE FOLKS.

Y'ALL AIN'T EVEN WHITE,
REALLY.

Y'ALL COLORED.

Y'ALL SHOULD ALL JOIN
THE NAACP.

YEAH, WHEN THESE NIGGAS GONNA
CHANGE THE NAME

OF THAT ORGANIZATION?

"THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION
FOR THE ADVANCEMENT

OF COLORED PEOPLE."

MOTHERFUCKER, WE AIN'T BEEN
COLORED PEOPLE SINCE THE '40s.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
WE BECAME NEGROES,

THEN WE BECAME NIGGAS
AND NOW WE AFRICAN-AMERICANS.

MOTHERFUCKER, TREAT ME LIKE
A HOT DOG WITH KETCHUP.

IF ANYBODY SHOULD
BE SAYING THEY THE NAACP,

IT'S WHITE FOLKS.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
'CAUSE Y'ALL COLORED PEOPLE.

ONLY WHITE PEOPLE CAN
TURN RED WHEN THEY MAD.

LOOK AT 'EM.

THEY BLUSH.
THEY'RE A LITTLE PINK.

WHEN YOU HIT 'EM,
THEY BLUE AND PURPLE.

[laughter and applause]

Y'ALL COLORED PEOPLE
LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

Y'ALL THE WHOLE BOX
OF GODDAMN CRAYONS.

SHIT, I MIGHT BE BLUSHING
RIGHT NOW.

YOU CAN'T TELL.

[laughter and applause]

NO SHIT.
COMEDY CENTRAL DONE FUCKED UP.

[laughter]

THEY DONE FUCKED AROUND
AND GAVE THIS NIGGA A SPECIAL?

YOU KNOW, THE REST OF
'EM LIKE,

"I DON'T SAY THE 'N' WORD
NO MORE, YOU KNOW?

"I AIN'T--WE DONE
WITH THAT.

I'M AN AFRICAN--"

I'M A NIGGA...FOR LIFE.

NIGGA.

AND I SAY IT "NIGGA,"
WHITE PEOPLE.

I DIDN'T SAY, "NIGGER."

TWO DIFFERENT
MOTHERFUCKING WORDS.

THAT "GER" PART'LL GET
YOU FUCKED UP.

"NIGGER!"

SOUND LIKE
YOU'RE GROWLING AT ME.

FEEL A ROPE AROUND MY NECK.

AND THEM MOTHERFUCKERS
GOT THE AUDACITY

TO GET MAD 'CAUSE
THEY CAN'T SAY IT.

WHAT WAS THAT WHITE BITCH?

DR. LAURA!

THAT STANK BITCH!

ALL ON THE NEWS
TALKING ABOUT,

"NIGGER, NIGGER, NIGGER,
NIGGER, NIGGER."

I SAID, "WHERE'S THE NIGGA
TO SMACK THIS BITCH?"

"WELL, WHY CAN'T I SAY IT?"

BITCH, DID YOUR PEOPLE EVER
GET PUT INTO SLAVERY?

DID A MOTHERFUCKER
OPPRESS YOU

FOR 450 YEARS AND COUNTING,
MOTHERFUCKER?

WELL, YOU AIN'T EARNED THE RIGHT
TO SAY THAT WORD.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

WE ALL GOT WORDS
WE CAN'T SAY.

THEY ACT LIKE IT'S ONLY US.
YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

EVERY CULTURE'S GOT THEY WORD.

MEXICANS CAN CALL EACH OTHER
BEANERS.

YOU GO OVER THERE
AND SAY THAT SHIT

AND NOT GET YOUR ASS CUT.

ITALIANS CALL EACH
OTHER GUINEA WOPS.

SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?
EVERYBODY GOT THEY SHIT.

THEY ALWAYS CONCERNED
WITH WHAT A NIGGA SAYING.

"I CAN'T SAY 'NIGGER'."

YOU SURE CAN'T,
MOTHERFUCKER.

[laughter and applause]

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT'S LIKE ME GOING
TO A KLAN RALLY...

"HOW YOU CRACKERS DOING?"

AND EXPECT NOT TO GET HUNG
THE FUCK UP.

[laughter]

WE KILLING SO MUCH
OF EACH OTHER,

WE DONE PUT THE KLAN
OUT OF BUSINESS.

THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T SEE
THE KLAN NO MORE.

THEY LIKE, "WELL, DAMN IT.

"WE USED TO HANG ONE DARKIE
A WEEK.

"THEY'RE DOING 15
EVERY 15 MINUTES.

"TAKE YOUR SHEETS OFF.
IT'S ALL OVER.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO CALL
OURSELVES THE TEA PARTY."

[cheers and applause]

'CAUSE YOU KNOW THE TEA PARTY
AIN'T NOTHING

BUT THE KLAN
IN STREET CLOTHES.

[laughter and applause]

AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE THAT
ONE BROTHER

AT THEY RALLY THEY PUT
ON THE NEWS.

AND I KNOW Y'ALL BE SAYING
THE SAME SHIT.

YOU SITTING AT HOME LIKE,
"WHERE DID THEY FIND

THIS MOTHERFUCKER?"

HE ALWAYS GOT SCARS
ON HIS HEAD AND SHIT.

"THIS IS A GOOD RALLY.

UH, THEY DOING GOOD THANGS
AND THEY DO--"

I SAID, "WHERE THEY FIND THIS
HOMELESS-ASS NIGGA?"

THEY DONE BOUGHT
THIS NIGGA A BUCKET

OF KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN.

[stammering]
"GOOD.

GOOD RALLY."

THE MEXICANS AND CHINESE
ARE OUT-FUCKING US.

YOU AIN'T GONNA OUT-FUCK
THEM CHINESE.

THERE'S 1.6 BILLION
OF THEM MOTHERFUCKERS.

AND THEY WOMEN ALWAYS ACT
LIKE THEY DON'T FUCK.

"OH, NO.
I JUST MEET."

[chuckles]

HOW THE FUCK IS IT
1.6 BILLION OF Y'ALL

IF Y'ALL AIN'T FUCKING?

THAT'S 'CAUSE THEY
FUCK QUICK.

THEY JUST LIKE, "JA-KOW!"

[laughter and applause]

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THEY DON'T EVEN GET INTO IT.

THEY JUST...
[sharp yell]

"NOW WE GO BACK
AND WORK OUT."

[laughter and applause]

THEY TRYING TO TELL OUR MEXICAN
BROTHERS AND SISTERS

THAT THEY NEED TO STAY AWAY
FROM THE BORDER.

MM-HMM.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT...

WHEN CALIFORNIA IS MEXICO.

[cheers and applause]

LISTEN TO THE NAME OF IT.

[in Mexican accent]
CALIFORNIA.

SAN DIEGO,
SAN FRANCISCO,

SAN JOSE.

IF IT START WITH "SAN,"
IT'S MEXICAN.

[laughter and applause]

AIN'T NO CITIES CALLED
"WILLIAMBROOKSHIRE."

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

HAVE THE AUDACITY TO CALL
A MEXICAN A WETBACK.

THEY CROSSED A RIVER.

WHITE PEOPLE, Y'ALL CAME
ON A BOAT.

CROSSED AN OCEAN.

SO IF THEY BACK
IS MOTHERFUCKING WET,

YOU DIPPED.

ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT,
"MY COUNTRY."

WHITE PEOPLE,
THIS AIN'T Y'ALL COUNTRY.

Y'ALL ANNEXED IT.

YOU STOLED IT FROM
THE INDIANS.

I KNOW YOU SAID
YOU DISCOVERED IT.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY USE THEM
SLICK-ASS WORDS.

"WE DISCOVERED IT!"

HOW YOU DISCOVER SOME SHIT
A MOTHERFUCKER

ALREADY LIVE AT?

[laughter and applause]

USING THAT ANALOGY,
WHEN I GET OFFSTAGE,

I'MA DISCOVER SOMEBODY CAR.

POLICE LIKE,
"DID YOU STEAL IT?"

"NO, I DISCOVERED IT.

"I GAVE THE INDIGENOUS DRIVER

A RESERVATION
IN THE TRUNK."

[laughter]

NIGGA, HEY, LOOK.

MY MAN, LEBRON JAMES.

YOU KNOW, THE BROTHER WENT
TO MIAMI.

YOU KNOW, WHICH HE HAS
ALL RIGHT TO DO.

YOU KNOW?

IT'S CALLED "FREE AGENCY."

THE FIRST WORD IS "FREE."

THAT NIGGA'S FREE.

THEM WHITE PEOPLE
IN CLEVELAND GOT ALL MAD,

BURNED THE NIGGA JERSEY,
DOING LITTLE STATUES OF HIM,

SETTING ON FIRE.

I'M LIKE,
"HE PLAY BASKETBALL!"

THIS AIN'T A POLITICIAN
THAT COULD CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

HE DRIBBLED.
HE DUNKED.

YAY.

[laughter]

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I JUST WANT AN HOUR
OF MY LIFE BACK.

IT SHOULDN'T HAVE
TOOK HIM AN HOUR, YOU KNOW?

HE JUST SAT THERE.

"I'M GOING TO SOUTH BEACH."

NIGGA!

YOU BIG MOTHERFUCKING...

IF I WASN'T A CHRISTIAN...

[laughter]

AND YOU CAN TELL HIM
I SAID IT, SHIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THE REASON I HEARD
THAT HE LEFT

IS 'CAUSE ONE OF THE DUDES
ON THE TEAM

WAS SLEEPING WITH HIS MAMA.

Y'ALL HEARD THAT SHIT TOO?

I FOUND OUT WHEN
I DID THE SHOW IN CLEVELAND.

THE AUDIENCE TOLD ME.

I SAID, "IS IT TRUE?"

THEY LIKE, "YEAH. YEAH.
WE ALL KNEW.

WE ALL KNEW."

I'M LIKE, "AND Y'ALL
WONDERING WHY

"HE GAVE Y'ALL
THE FINGER AND LEFT?

"HE FROM HERE.
Y'ALL HIS HOMETOWN.

"Y'ALL LOVE THE NIGGA.

SOMEBODY SHOULD HAVE CAME UP
TO THE BROTHER."

"HEY, UH--"

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU DELIVERING

THAT BAD, BAD NEWS,
YOU GOT TO--

"HEY, UH...

"HEY, YOU KNOW,
MY MAN AND YOUR MAMA.

[laughter]

"I JUST THOUGHT
I'D LET YOU KNOW, NIGGA.

I JUST THOUGHT
I'D LET YOU KNOW."

AND WHAT'S THE NIGGA NAME
THAT DID IT?

DANTE WEST.

THAT'S SOME FUCKED UP SHIT.

'CAUSE THAT NIGGA,
WHEN HE PLAY AGAINST LEBRON,

HE CAN GET
IN THAT NIGGA'S HEAD.

HE D'ING THAT NIGGA UP.
"HEY, LEBRON.

[laughter and applause]

YOU KNOW,
ME AND YOUR MOMS."

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT'S LIKE ME AND CHRIS ROCK
DOING A MOVIE TOGETHER

AND HE SLEEPING WITH MY MAMA.

I'MA HAVE TO ROCK CHRIS ROCK.

YOU DON'T FUCK MOMS.

MOM'S OFF-LIMITS.
YOU CAN FUCK MY SISTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
SHE GROWN.

SHE WANT TO GIVE YOU
SOME PUSSY?

HEY.

BUT YOU DON'T
PUT YOUR DICK IN

WHERE I CAME OUT.

[laughter and applause]

MY MAN MICHAEL VICK
DOING HIS THING, AIN'T HE?

[cheers and applause]

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

YOU CAN'T KEEP A BROTHER DOWN.

THEY PUT THAT BOY IN THE GAME.

THE REST IS HISTORY.
YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY
THEY DID THAT BROTHER

THE WAY THEY DID HIM
ABOUT SOME DAMN DOGS.

HE HAD SOME PIT BULLS.

NOW HERE'S THE SHIT
THAT FUCKED WITH ME.

THERE'S A DOGFIGHT GOING ON.

HE THREE STATES AWAY.

HE AIN'T EVEN AT THE HOUSE
AND THEY LOCK HIM UP.

AND HIS COUSINS AIN'T SHIT!

[cheers and applause]

YOU STAYING AT HIS HOUSE
FOR FREE.

YOU THERE WHEN
THE DOGFIGHT GO DOWN

AND THE BUST COME.

ONE OF THEM SUPPOSED
TO TAKE THE RAP.

"IS THIS MICHAEL VICK?"
"NO, THIS ME."

THEY'D HAVE SLAPPED HIM
ON THE WRIST,

$150,000 FINE.
NIGGA, NOTHING.

THEY WANT TO MAKE AN EXAMPLE OUT
OF MOTHERFUCKING VICK.

THEY WANT EVERY BLACK MAN
TO HAVE AN ASTERISK.

KOBE BRYANT.

"RAPED WHITE BITCH."

MICHAEL JORDAN.
"GAMBLED."

MICHAEL VICK.
"DOGFIGHT."

EDDIE GRIFFIN.
"SAID 'NIGGA'."

[laughter and applause]

TRICKY WHITE PEOPLE.

Y'ALL LOVE DOGS MORE THAN
Y'ALL LOVE HUMAN BEINGS.

I WATCH Y'ALL.

YOU SEE WHITE PEOPLE.
THEY SEE A STRAY DOG.

YOU SEE 'EM.
THEY BE LIKE,

"WHERE'S YOUR HOME?

"WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

"LET ME READ YOUR TAG.

"YOU HAVE A NUMBER.
WE'RE GONNA CALL YOUR MASTER.

WE'RE GONNA FIND YOUR HOME."

A HOMELESS DUDE WALK UP.
"CAN I GET SOME CHANGE?"

"GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU BUM."

[laughter and applause]

GONNA LOCK THIS BROTHER UP
ABOUT A DOG.

IT'S CALLED A "PIT BULL."
THEY BRED TO FIGHT.

THE DOG WANTS TO FIGHT.

THE DOG SITTING
IN THE BACKYARD.

"I WANT TO FUCK SOMETHING UP."
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

"I AIN'T NO POODLE.

"WHAT THE FUCK YOU
GOT ME BACK HERE FOR?

"MAN, BRING THAT BITCH ON.

I'LL FUCK THAT
MOTHERFUCKER UP."

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

THEY AIN'T TRYING
TO STOP A RODEO.

WHITE PEOPLE GO TO THE RODEO.

YOU GOT MOTHERFUCKING SHOCKS
ON THE GODDAMN BULL'S NUTS

TO MAKE IT HOP AROUND.

OH, THAT'S HUMANE.

SHUT THEM RODEOS DOWN,

I'LL STOP FIGHTING
MY MOTHERFUCKING DOGS.

I'M FROM THE MIDWEST.

WE FIGHT DOGS!

[barks]

[laughter and applause]

STILL HAVING COCKFIGHTS,
AIN'T YOU?

YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.

IF I WASN'T A CHRISTIAN...

[laughter and applause]

HELL YEAH.
DRINK UP, Y'ALL.

IT'S SATURDAY.

SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE ALCOHOLIC.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW ALCOHOLICS COME
UP WITH ANY REASON TO DRINK.

"NIGGA, WHY YOU DRINKING?"

"IT'S SATURDAY."

"WHY YOU DRINKING?"
"IT'S SUNDAY.

JESUS HAD WINE
AT THE LAST SUPPER."

"IT'S MONDAY."

"FIRST DAY BACK AT THE JOB."

"IT'S TUESDAY."

"KIDS GETTING ON
MY GODDAMN NERVES."

"IT'S WEDNESDAY."

"HUMP DAY."

"IT'S THURSDAY."

"ALMOST FRIDAY."

"IT'S FRIDAY."

"THANK GOD"!

"IT'S SATURDAY."

"THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING"!

[laughter and applause]

SHIT, GET FUCKED UP,
BE SOMEBODY ELSE.

[laughter]

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU GOT TO SLAVE
FOR ANOTHER MOTHERFUCKER

ON THE JOB ALL WEEK LONG.

SATURDAY GET HERE,
MAN, GET FADED

AND BE SOMEBODY ELSE.

THEY BE LIKE, "WHO ARE YOU?"

"I'M MICHAEL JACKSON...

TILL SUNDAY!"

[laughter and applause]

MAN, UH, IN CASE
YOU WERE WONDERING,

"HEY, WHAT YOU DRINKING, ED?"

IT'S CALLED THE LIQUID BLUNT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

IT'S VEUVE CLICQUOT CHAMPAGNE.

GIVE YOU THE SAME HIGH
AS A BLUNT.

YOU DON'T GO UP.
YOU DON'T GO DOWN.

YOU MAINTAIN.
YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

A POLICE PULLS ME OVER,
THEY CAN'T SAY,

"UH, YOU HAVE SOME WEED
ON YOU?"

"I DON'T."

[laughter]

AND IT'S CALLED
VEUVE CLICQUOT--

IT'S ACTUALLY THE FIRST
CHAMPAGNE EVER CREATED.

'CAUSE I RESEARCH ANYTHING

I PUT IN MY TEMPLE,
ALL RIGHT?

AND IT'S SOME FRENCH SHIT.

SO THOSE OF YOU WHO WERE
TALKING THAT SHIT,

"I HATE THE FRENCH,"
UH, FUCK YOU.

I LIKE THE FRENCH.

IF YOU HATE THE FRENCH,
DIG UP THE STATUE OF LIBERTY

AND SEND THAT BITCH BACK.

THEY MADE HER.

IF YOU HATE THE FRENCH,
KEEP YOUR TONGUE IN YOUR MOUTH

WHEN YOU KISS, 'CAUSE
IT'S CALLED A FRENCH KISS.

IT AIN'T CALLED
A REDNECK KISS.

AND PUT THE CROISSANT DOWN,
NIGGA,

'CAUSE THAT'S FRENCH TOO.

I LIKE THE FRENCH.
OUI, OUI.

TRES BON,
JE M'APPELLE, ET TOI.

[laughter and applause]

YOU NEVER KNOW
WHAT A NIGGA KNOW.

AND IF YOU'RE JAPANESE,
GENKI DESU DOMO ARIGATO.

MOSHI MOSHI.

AND IF YOU'RE CHINESE,
NI HAO MA.

XIE-XIE NI.

[speaking Mandarin]

BUT THIS IS THE LIQUID BLUNT.

NOW, HE NAMED IT AFTER
HIS WIFE.

NOW, IF YOU BUY A BOTTLE
OF THE SHIT,

IT COSTS $45 AT COSTCO.

I DON'T GET IT TWISTED.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
HOW MUCH MONEY I GOT.

I'M FRUGAL AS A MOTHERFUCKER.

SHIT, YOU DON'T STAY RICH
BY SPENDING THE SHIT, NIGGA.

$45.

YOU SEE THEM FOOLS
IN THEM DAMN VIDEOS.

NIGGA, $500 FOR A BOTTLE
OF CRISTAL AT A STRIP CLUB.

NIGGA, I AIN'T PAYING $500
FOR NOTHING.

SUCK MY DICK!

$45!

AND THE SHIT IS GOOD!

[laughter and applause]

BUT HE NAMED IT AFTER
HIS WIFE.

YOU BUY A BOTTLE,
THERE'S A PICTURE OF HER

ON THE CAP.

NOW, WHEN YOU LOOK
AT THE PICTURE

OF THIS FAT, UGLY BITCH,

YOU WILL FIGURE OUT
WHY HE CREATED A DRINK.

HE LIKE, "I NEED A DRINK

"BEFORE I FUCK YOUR FAT,
RAGGEDY ASS.

I NEED SOME BUBBLES
FOR MY TROUBLES."

[laughter and applause]

YOU SEE, I JUST FINISHED
MY SECOND DUI.

I AIN'T TRYING
TO GET A THIRD,

'CAUSE YOU KNOW
CALIFORNIA LAW.

YOU GET THAT THIRD ONE,
IT'S AN AUTOMATIC YEAR

IN THE PENITENTIARY AREA.

NIGGA, I AIN'T TRYING TO GO
TO JAIL ABOUT NO DRINKING,

'CAUSE YOU GET TO JAIL,
AIN'T NO DRINKING.

[laughter and applause]

I REMEMBER,
I WAS ROLLING OUT, MAN.

I'M COMING DOWN SUNSET
IN L.A. ONE NIGHT

AND I WAS HIGH...
AS A MOTHERFUCKER.

NOW I DONE HAD A COUPLE OF THIS,
YOU KNOW--

[stammering]

I'M DOING ME.

YOU KNOW, AND I THINK
I'M DOING GOOD.

YOU KNOW, I'M WHIPPING IT.

AND, YOU KNOW, BROTHERS,
WE DRIVE WITH ONE EYE

IN THE REARVIEW MIRROR
AND THE OTHER ONE ON THE ROAD

TO MAKE SURE PO-PO
AIN'T BEHIND.

SO I'M DOING MY SHIT
AND I SEEN THE LIGHTS.

I DIDN'T KNOW
I WAS IN THE CAR CHASE

FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.

I'M THAT HIGH.

I SEEN THE LIGHTS
AND IN MY HEAD I'M LIKE,

"IT'S CHRISTMAS ALREADY?

THEY GOT ALL THESE LIGHTS
AND SHIT."

I DIDN'T KNOW TILL A COP CAR
PULLED IN FRONT OF ME

AND CUT ME THE FUCK OFF
AND PULLED ME OVER.

AND THAT'S WHEN YOU TRY
TO GET SOBER QUICK.

YOU LIKE...
[breathing heavy]

YOU KNOW HOW YOU DO.

"SHIT, I GOT THIS.

"ALL RIGHT, LET ME GET THIS SHIT
OFF OF ME, NIGGA.

"THAT OVER THERE.
STASH POCKET.

BOOM. PLOW."

AND YOU GOT TO PULL
THE WALLET OUT

IF YOU A BLACK MAN.

YOU DON'T WANT
TO GET CAUGHT REACHING.

THEY SHOOT US.

"HE WAS REACHING
FOR SOMETHING!"

NIGGA, I'LL BE HAVING
MY WALLET OUT.

I.D. SHOWING.
CLACK-CLACK.

WINDOW ALREADY DOWN.
"I'M READY FOR YOU.

COME ON. COME ON."

AND THE MOTHERFUCKER
ASKED ME SOME STUPID SHIT.

HE SAID, "UH...

WOULD YOU LIKE
TO STEP OUT OF THE CAR?"

I SAID, "WELL, SINCE IT'S
A YES OR NO ANSWER,

NO, I WOULD NOT LIKE
TO STEP OUT OF THE CAR."

THAT'S WHEN THEY SNATCH
LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER OUT.

[laughter and applause]

THEN THEY TRY
TO MAKE YOU

DO THE GYMNASTIC
COMPETITION.

YOU KNOW, TOUCH YOUR NOSE,
SPIN AROUND, DO A STRAIGHT LINE.

I SAID, "HOLD ON, MAN.

"DIDN'T YOU JUST PULL ME OVER
FOR A REASON?

NOW, WHY THE HELL YOU WANT
A NIGGA MOONWALKING AND SHIT?"

HE'S LIKE, "EDDIE, SO YOU'RE
SAYING YOU'RE DRUNK?"

I SAID, "NO, YOUR HONOR.

"I MEAN, OFFICER.

"I AIN'T DRUNK.

"I'M FUCKED UP!

"THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.

"I CAN DRIVE DRUNK.

"I'M FUCKED UP.

THAT'S WHY I THOUGHT
I WAS GOING STRAIGHT."

[chuckles]

THAT MOTHERFUCKER SAID,
"SO YOU'RE THAT COMEDIAN."

I SAID, "YEP,
THAT'S WHY I'M FUNNY.

WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOING
IN THAT MONKEY SUIT?"

HE'S LIKE, "HE'S FUNNY
IN REAL LIFE."

I SAID, "LOOK, MAN--"

HE'S LIKE, "EDDIE,
I'MA DO YOU A FAVOR."

"YOU GONNA LET A BROTHER GO?"

"NOPE.
NOT GONNA DO THAT."

I SAID, "WELL,
WHAT THE FUCK IS IT THEN?"

HE SAID, "I WAS WONDERING IF
I COULD TAKE A PICTURE WITH YOU

FOR MY SON AND MY KIDS."

I SAID, "MOTHERFUCKER,
YOU LET A NIGGA GO,

WE CAN TAKE PICTURES
ALL NIGHT."

[laughter and applause]

THAT'S WHEN THEY SAID,
"CLICK-CLICK."

NOW, THEY SAT MY BLACK ASS
ON THE CURB.

SUNSET BOULEVARD, NIGGA.

FANS DRIVING BY,

AND YOU KNOW
HOW MOTHERFUCKERS ARE, NIGGA.

THEY DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

NIGGA, I ENTERTAIN,
BUT I'M A REAL MOTHERFUCKER.

I'M ON THE CORNER.
CLICK-CLICK.

NIGGAS RIDING BY.
"HEY, ED, WHAT UP?"

I'M LIKE, "NIGGA,
I CAN'T WAVE BACK!

"NIGGA, YOU LOVE A NIGGA
THAT MUCH, PULL OVER.

"HELP ME.

[laughter and applause]

"NIGGA, I'M FUCKED UP.

"I CAN'T TALK FOR MYSELF.

EXPLAIN TO THIS MOTHERFUCKER."

NIGGA, THIS MOTHERFUCKER
PUT ME IN THE CAR.

I'M IN THE BACK.

IT'S AN UNCOMFORTABLE RIDE,
YOU KNOW?

AND THEY GOT THE SHIT ON TIGHT,
NIGGA.

YOU BACK THERE,
"LOOK AT THIS MOTHERFUCKER."

AND YOU CAN'T GET COMFORTABLE,
SHIT.

AND I'M SITTING IN THE BACK.

I'M SO FUCKED UP,
I'M STILL CLOWNING.

IT WAS A WHITE DUDE

AND A FAT FEMALE WHITE COP.

AND I'M SITTING IN THE BACK.

I LOOKED AT HER FAT,
FUNKY ASS.

[laughter]

Y'ALL KNOW MY MOUTH, NIGGA.

SOME PEOPLE CAN EDIT.

IT JUST FLY OUT.

THAT'S WHAT MY MAMA SAID.

"YOU KNOW EDDIE
TELLING THE TRUTH.

THAT NIGGA THINK IT, IT FLY OUT
HIS MOTHERFUCKING MOUTH."

I LOOKED AT HER ASS, NIGGA.

I SAID, "SHIT, I AIN'T NEVER
SEEN A POLICE UNIFORM

WITH STRETCH MARKS ON IT."

[laughter and applause]

HER PARTNER
IS SITTING BEHIND--

AND MOTHERFUCKER STILL--
HE'S LIKE,

"THIS MOTHERFUCKER
IS CRAZY, FOR REAL."

[laughter and applause]

THEY GOT ME DOWN TO
THE STATION

AND THAT'S WHEN THEY HANDCUFF
YOU TO THAT LITTLE BENCH.

SO I'M ON THAT WOODEN BENCH,
NIGGA,

AND I'M CLOWNING
THIS FAT BITCH.

THE NIGHT WATCHMAN JUMPED OFF
THE DESK AND SAID,

"PUT THAT IGNORANT MOTHERFUCKER
IN THE CAGE."

THEY LOCKED ME UP
IN THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

IT'S A FRIDAY NIGHT.

BROTHERS, Y'ALL KNOW
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU THERE FOR THE WEEKEND.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU BEEN
TO JAIL RECENTLY.

THEY DONE TOOK OUT
ALL THE TVs.

THEY DONE TOOK
THE WEIGHTS OUT.

THEY LITERALLY IN THERE
CURLING LITTLE NIGGAS.

NIGGA, THEY MAKE YOU PUT
YOUR LEGS TOGETHER TIGHT

AND THEY CURL THESE LITTLE
MOTHERFUCKERS.

NIGGA, I WAS SO TIRED
OF GETTING CURLED, NIGGA.

[laughter and applause]

NIGGA,
I GOT IN THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

THEY STUCK ME
IN THE CELL

WITH THE CRIP OF
THE CENTURY.

I GOT IN THERE, THAT
MOTHERFUCKER WAS DIPPED BLUE,

DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO.

I SAID, "THEY PUT ME IN
WITH THE SMURF."

[laughter]

EVERY OTHER WORD IS LIKE,
"WHAT UP, CUZ?

WHAT'S GOING ON, CUZ?
WHERE THE SCENE AT, CUZ?"

[laughter]

NOW, Y'ALL KNOW I'M FROM
KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI, RIGHT?

THIS IS WHEN I'M FIRST
GETTING TO L.A.

NIGGA, I'M LIKE--

BLOODS AND THE HOOD
AND ALL THAT SHIT

WASN'T ON TV YET.

I'M SITTING THERE.
"CUZ. CUZ."

I'M LIKE, "WE RELATED?"

"CUZ?"
NIGGA, HE LIKE, "NO, CUZ.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING,
CUZ."

AND THE NIGGA KEPT DOING
THIS KIND OF SHIT.

I'M LIKE, "THESE NIGGAS
IN L.A. IS A BUNCH

OF DEAF MUTES OUT HERE."

YOU KNOW,
THESE MOTHERFUCKERS--

NIGGA, AND I'M LIKE,
"I DON'T SPEAK THAT SHIT."

ALL I KNOW IS THIS AND THAT.

[laughter and applause]

HE LIKE, "NIGGA,
AIN'T YOU EDDIE GRIFFIN, CUZ?

AIN'T YOU EDDIE GRIFFIN,
CUZ?"

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER.
YOU FUCKING MY HIGH UP."

"CUZ, NIGGA."

THEN THE NIGGA START DANCING
ON ME, NIGGA.

[laughter]

I LOOKED AT THAT NIGGA.

I SAID,
"NIGGA, TEACH ME THAT."

[laughter and applause]

LIKE, "NIGGA, LET ME SEE
THAT SHIT."

SO I GOT TO HOLLERING AT
THE LITTLE NIGGA

AS THE NIGGA HIGH STARTED
COMING DOWN.

I SAID, "NIGGA,
WHY Y'ALL DO THAT SHIT?"

HE LIKE, "YOU KNOW, CUZ.
YOU KNOW, CUZ."

I'M LIKE, "NIGGA,
I'M FROM KANSAS CITY, MISSOURI.

NIGGA, WHERE I GREW UP,
WE DIDN'T HAVE NO GANGS."

NIGGA BE LIKE,
"NIGGA, WHAT'S YOUR GANG?"

"SELF."

THE OLDER BROTHERS IN HERE
KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

BACK IN THE DAY,
YOU HAD YOURSELF.

YOU HAD A GANG, NIGGA.

ME, MYSELF, AND I.

YOUR PARTNER SHOWED UP
TO MAKE SURE

HIS PARTNERS DIDN'T JUMP IN.

WHOEVER YOU GOT BEEF WITH,
NIGGA,

MANO Y MANO,HEAD UP,
NIGGA.

"WHAT UP, NIGGA?"

[rolls tongue]

IF YOU GET YOUR ASS WHUPPED,

GO TO THE GYM AND PRACTICE.

[laughter and applause]

THAT NIGGA HAD THAT LEFT HOOK.

GOT TO KEEP THAT RIGHT UP.
YOU GOT TO KEEP THAT RIGHT UP.

[cheers and applause]

COME WITH IT, NIGGA.

'CAUSE WE BEING SO SOFT
WITH OUR KIDS NOWADAYS, MAN.

THAT SHIT GET ON MY NERVES.

THEY LOCKING PARENTS UP
BECAUSE THE KID

HAD A FIGHT AT SCHOOL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
WHAT KIND OF--

WE RAISING LITTLE BITCH-ASS
MOTHERFUCKERS?

NIGGA,
A FIGHT IS IN GOD'S PLAN.

YOU SUPPOSED TO FIGHT
AS A KID.

THAT LETS YOU KNOW
WHERE YOU FIT IN

ON THE FOOD CHAIN.

YOU THOUGHT
YOU WAS BILLY BADASS,

THEN YOU RAN INTO
BILLY BADASS.

BILLY BADASS WHUPPED
THAT ASS.

YOU FIGURE OUT,
"I'M GOOD AT MATH."

[laughter and applause]

THESE LITTLE MOTHERFUCKERS
NOWADAYS, MAN.

THEY GET 12 ON 1.

AND NIGGAS BE BRAGGING.

"NIGGA, WE WHUPPED HIS ASS,
NIGGA!

WE WHUPPED HIS ASS!"

YOU BETTER HAD.

12 ON 1, YOU BITCH-MADE
MOTHERFUCKER!

[cheers and applause]

YOU DON'T GET NO STRIPES
FOR THAT, NIGGA.

MOTHERFUCKERS DONE
GONE BERSERK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW BLOODS
AND CRIPS

STARTED RIGHT HERE IN OAKLAND.

IT'S A OFFSHOOT
OF THE BLACK PANTHERS.

I'MA TEACH Y'ALL
SOMETHING TONIGHT.

WHEN THE FEDS CAME TO BREAK UP
THE BLACK PANTHERS--

YOU KNOW, THEY SHOOTING HUEY P.
AND EVERYBODY UP, YOU KNOW?

GETTING THESE NIGGAS ALL DOPED
UP AND SHIT,

'CAUSE THE MOVEMENT
WAS TOO STRONG.

TWO OF THE BROTHERS
WENT DOWN TO L.A.

ONE WENT TO INGLEWOOD
AND STARTED THE BLOODS,

WHICH MEANT, "IF THE POLICE FUCK
WITH ANYBODY ON THIS BLOCK,

WE ALL BLOOD, WE ALL FAMILY,
WE STAND TOGETHER."

ALL RIGHT?

ANOTHER ONE WENT DOWN
TO COMPTON.

STARTED THE CRIPS.

"CRIPS" STAND FOR "COMMUNITY
RESISTANCE IN PROGRESS."

IF YOU FUCK WITH ANYBODY
IN THIS COMMUNITY,

THE COMMUNITY HAS GOT
A RESISTANCE IN PROGRESS,

OFFICER!

[applause]

YOU ASK THESE LITTLE
YOUNGSTERS NOW,

"HEY, WHAT 'CRIP' MEAN?"

"IT MEAN CRIP, CUZ.

[laughter]

"IT MEAN CRIP, CUZ.

IT MEAN CRIP, CUZ."

AND WHAT IS THIS RETARDED WALK,
NIGGA?

[laughter and applause]

THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU,
NIGGA?

YOU JUST GOT OUT THE ZOO?

[laughter and applause]

NIGGA, WALK LIKE
A MOTHERFUCKING MAN.

FUCK WRONG WITH YOU?

SOME MOTHERFUCKING
ANIMAL NIGGA.

[applause]

YOU PLAYING RIGHT INTO THE
WHITE MAN'S STEREOTYPE OF US.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

CHILL THE FUCK OUT ON THAT
RED AND BLUE, NIGGA.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

NIGGA.

I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND,
NIGGA.

WE BOTH BROKE.

YOU A BLOOD, I'M A CRIP.
WE BROKE.

COME TOGETHER LIKE BUTT CHEEKS
AND BE THE SHIT.

[laughter and applause]

SO I'M SITTING IN THIS CAGE,
YOU KNOW,

I'M EDUCATING
THE LITTLE BROTHER, RIGHT?

AND THE BROTHER WAS SAGGING.

AND I SAID, "HEY, BRO, LET ME
EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU."

YOU KNOW, MY HIGH DONE
CAME OFF.

AND Y'ALL KNOW I GET REAL
"CEREBREAL" WHEN A NIGGA SOBER.

I'M LIKE, "LOOK, BRO,
I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW

"WHERE THAT SAGGING
SHIT STARTED.

IT STARTED
IN THE PENITENTIARY AREA."

THEM FAGS IN THERE WOULD SAG
TO ADVERTISE THEY ASS.

THEY GET OUT OF JAIL, NIGGA,
AND THEY PUT THEY DRAWERS ON

STILL SAGGING, BUT TRY
TO PLAY LIKE THEY MEN.

THE KIDS THOUGHT
THE SHIT WAS SLICK

AND THE KIDS START SAGGING.

MY SON DID THAT SHIT
AT AGE 16 YEARS OLD.

HE 25 NOW, EDDIE JR.

I'M IN THE HOUSE, NIGGA.
I'M A SINGLE FATHER.

I'M COOKING EDDIE SPAGHETTI.

'CAUSE THAT'S ALL THE FUCK
I KNOW HOW TO COOK

OTHER THAN A HOT DOG.

BUT I CAN FUCK
SOME SPAGHETTI UP, NIGGA.

I'LL MAKE AN ITALIAN
MOVE OUT OF ITALY

UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

SO, YOU KNOW,
I'M MAKING MY SPAGHETTI.

JUNIOR WALK IN THE DOOR
AND HE SAGGING.

NIGGA, I PUT THE SHIT
ON SIMMER.

[laughter and applause]

I SAID, "UH, JUNIOR,
GRAB A LITTLE SEAT

RIGHT THERE
ON THAT BAR STOOL."

"WHAT UP, POP?"
"OH, THERE'S A LOT UP, NIGGA.

AND IT'S A LOT DOWN."

I SAID, "NIGGA,
GRAB YOURSELF A BEER."

"I CAN DRINK?"
"TODAY, YOU CAN."

THAT NIGGA SAT DOWN.

I EXPLAINED THE STORY
TO HIM.

I SAID, "NIGGA, SAGGING STARTED
IN THE PENITENTIARY AREA.

"FAGS WAS ADVERTISING
THE CRACK OF THEY ASS.

"YOU SAGGING?

SAGGING IS FAGGING."

[laughter and applause]

THAT NIGGA HAD ON TWO BELTS.

HE WAS FLOODING
LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

[laughter and applause]

THAT NIGGA WALKING
THROUGH THE HOUSE,

"I AIN'T NO BITCH.
I AIN'T NO BITCH."

I SAID,
"THAT'S MY LITTLE NIGGA.

"LET'S PUT THIS FLAME
BACK ON.

SPAGHETTI BE READY
IN A MINUTE."

EXPLAINED THAT TO
MY LITTLE CRIP PARTNER.

I THINK HE ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
THE LITTLE NIGGA--

THE LITTLE HOMIE WALKED
UP TO ME LIKE,

"CUZ, THAT WAS PROPER, CUZ."

YOU KNOW, HE STILL HAD
A LITTLE BIT OF THE WALK,

BUT HE STRAIGHTENED
IT UP A LOT.

[laughter]

YOU KNOW, I'MA GIVE HIM THAT.
WE BLACK MEN.

WE ALWAYS GOT SOME FLAVOR
ON OUR STROLL, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW, YOU SEE
A BROTHER WALK,

YOU CAN DAMN NEAR HEAR MUSIC.

'CAUSE WE WALKING IN RHYTHM,
MOVING IN STRIDE, NIGGA.

YOU BE HEARING...
[imitates drumbeat]

EVERY NIGGA GOT
A SOUNDTRACK, NIGGA.

[imitates drumbeat]

YOU GOT SOME NIGGAS LIKE...

[imitating slower drumbeat]

[laughter]

YOU GOT SOME NIGGAS LIKE...

[imitates up-tempo drumbeat]

YOU KNOW THEM HEAD-SWINGING
NIGGAS?

THEY BE WALKING, NIGGA.
THEY HEAD BE--

[laughter]

REMEMBER MICHAEL JORDAN?

THAT NIGGA GOING DOWN
THE COURT.

NIGGA,
THAT HEAD JUST BOBBING.

WHITE GUYS AIN'T GOT NO RHYTHM.

"THREE, FOUR, FIVE."

[laughter]

HELL, YEAH, SHIT.

[chuckles]

[cheers and applause]

YEAH, BABY.

[cheering continues]

HELL, YEAH.

IF YOU A LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER
MY SIZE,

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

IT'S ALWAYS THEM LITTLE BARKING
MOTHERFUCKERS, YOU KNOW?

"NIGGA, I'LL FUCK THIS WHOLE
PLACE UP, NIGGA.

"NIGGA DON'T KNOW ME, NIGGA!
NIGGA DON'T KNOW ME, NIGGA!"

"ALL RIGHT."

SHUT YOUR LITTLE ASS UP, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

'CAUSE THEM AIN'T
THE SCARY ONES.

THE QUIET MOTHERFUCKERS...

THAT'S WHO YOU WATCH.

THEM THE KILLERS.

YOU KNOW, THE LOUDEST
MOTHERFUCKER IN THE CLUB

IS A BITCH.

THAT NIGGA LOUD
'CAUSE HE SCARED

AND HE HOPE
IT'S SCARING YOU.

"NIGGA, YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYING?

"I'LL FUCK IT UP!
IS THIS SCARING Y'ALL?

'CAUSE I'M SCARED
AS A MOTHERFUCKER!"

[laughter and applause]

REAL KILLERS ARE QUIETER
THAN A MOTHERFUCKER.

THEY DON'T DANCE.

THEY SIT IN THE CLUB,
HOLD THE WALL UP,

AND JUST BE LOOKING.

YOU KNOW, THEY CONSTANTLY GOT
A GRIT ON THEY FACE.

YOU KNOW?

NIGGAS DO A SLOW STROLL
THROUGH THE CLUB.

AND THEY PRAYING
THE WHOLE TIME.

"GOD, DON'T LET ME KILL
NOBODY ELSE TODAY."

[laughter and applause]

AND THEN SOMEBODY
STEP ON HIS SHOE.

HE BE LIKE...

THEY TRY TO LET IT SLIDE,
BUT NIGGAS LIKE THAT CAN'T.

YOU ON THE DANCE FLOOR
AND HE'LL WALK UP TO YOU.

"EXCUSE ME, BRO.

"YOU KNOW, YOU STEPPED
ON MY SHOES, YOU KNOW?

"I WAS WONDERING IF
YOU'LL APOLOGIZE, YOU KNOW?

"SEE, I PAID FOR MINE JUST LIKE
YOU PAID FOR YOURS, YOU KNOW?

"SO, YOU KNOW, IF YOU GIVE
A BROTHER AN APOLOGY,

"YOU KNOW, WE CAN GO ON
AND CLEAN THIS ON UP,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?"

THAT NIGGA BE LIKE, "NIGGA,
FUCK YOU AND YOUR SHOES.

OLD BITCH-ASS NIGGA.
SHIT."

[laughter and applause]

WHY HE TELL
THIS MOTHERFUCKER THAT?

THAT'S WHEN
THEY GET THAT WALK, NIGGA.

[laughter]

BLOOP! BLOOP! BLOOP!
BLOOP! BLOOP!

CLUB CLEARING OUT LIKE ROACHES
WHEN THE LIGHT COME ON.

THAT MOTHERFUCKER WALK OUT.

DON'T NOBODY KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED.

HE STILL PRAYING.
"GOD...

"I TOLD YOU.

"YOU KNOW HOW I AM.

"YOU GO ON AND SORT HIM OUT,

'CAUSE HE WASN'T COOL
DOWN HERE."

[laughter and applause]

AS MY GRANDFATHER SAID,
"THERE'S CERTAIN PEOPLE

THAT DESERVE A WHOLE
LOT OF LEAVE-ALONE."

[laughter and applause]

- IT'S HER BIRTHDAY TODAY!
- WHO?

- 56!

- HEY, MY DEAR,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY.

[cheers and applause]

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY

♪ TO YOU

[imitating Sammy Davis Jr.]
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY

♪ TO YOU

♪ OH, UH

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY

♪ DEAR MAMA

[cheers and applause]

WE APPRECIATE YOU, BABY.

YES, INDEEDY.

THAT'S EVERYBODY MAMA,
SHIT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT'S HOW THAT SHIT
SUPPOSED TO GO, MAN.

I BE SEEING SOME OF THESE LITTLE
YOUNG MOTHERFUCKERS

WHEN THEY SEE ONE OF THEY ELDERS
GOING ACROSS THE STREET.

"MAN, GET YOUR OLD ASS
OUT THE WAY."

Y'ALL SEE THAT SHIT?

BEAT THE DOG SHIT
OUT THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU GOT THE RIGHT TO RAP,
RUN AROUND,

AND DO ALL YOUR DUMB SHIT
'CAUSE SISTERS LIKE HER

AND BROTHERS HER AGE
DONE PUT IT DOWN.

[cheers and applause]

YOU SEE YOUR ELDERS,
NIGGA,

HELP HER ACROSS THE STREET.

HELP HIS ASS ACROSS
THE STREET.

THAT DON'T MAKE YOU
NO DAMN MAN,

YOU LITTLE BUCK-ASS
MOTHERFUCKER.

SOME OF THESE LITTLE RETARDED
MOTHERFUCKERS

GET ON MY GODDAMN NERVES!

[cheers and applause]

I GOT NINE KIDS AND DON'T NONE
OF 'EM WANT FOR SHIT.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I HEAR
MOTHERFUCKERS TALKING ABOUT

CHILD SUPPORT ON ONE KID,
I JUST LAUGH.

I'M LIKE, "THAT'S IT?"

SHIT, NIGGA.

COME TO MY WORLD.

[laughter]

SHIT, TWO EX-WIVES.

FOUR, FIVE BABY MAMAS.

MY FIRST-OF-THE-MONTH CALLS
IS A MOTHERFUCKER.

"HEY, NIGGA, YOU GOT ANY MONEY?"
"NIGGA, YOU GOT MONEY?"

[gibberish]

[laughter and applause]

SHIT, I THOUGHT I WAS PIMPING.

I'M DOING SHOWS FOR THEM.

THEY PIMPING THE SHIT
OUT MY BLACK ASS.

"NIGGA, GO DO SOME SHOWS."

I BET YOU THEY GET TOGETHER
AND HUDDLE.

NIGGA, I GET A MOVIE,
THEY BE LIKE,

"COME ON, GIRL.

WE GOT A MOVIE."

[laughter and applause]

BUT I WOULDN'T TRADE
ONE OF MY BABIES IN

TO SAVE MY MOTHERFUCKING LIFE.

[applause]

'CAUSE REALLY,
AT THE END OF LIFE,

THAT'S ALL YOU
MOTHERFUCKING LEAVE.

YOU DON'T TAKE NO MONEY
WITH YOU.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

I AIN'T NEVER SEEN
A BRINKS TRUCK

PULL UP TO A FUNERAL.

THE EGYPTIANS TRIED TO TAKE
THEIR MONEY WITH 'EM.

AIN'T THEY DIGGING THEM
MOTHERFUCKERS UP?

NOW KING TUT ON TOUR.

THIS DEAD MOTHERFUCKER
STILL ON TOUR.

[laughter and applause]

THEY WORK THE NIGGA
AFTER DEATH.

AND IF THEY COULD LEGALLY
GET AWAY

WITH DIGGING MICHAEL UP,
THAT NIGGA'D BE ON TOUR TOO.

"WHERE'S MICHAEL?"

"HE'S ON TOUR."

THAT NIGGA IN THE CASKET
AND THE MUSIC PLAY.

[imitating Michael Jackson]
"HEE-HEE!"

[laughter and applause]

THAT'S WHY I SMOKE
AND I DRINK.

'CAUSE WHEN I'M DEAD,
I DON'T WANT NOBODY

WALKING BY MY CASKET
TALKING ABOUT,

"DAMN, ED LOOK GOOD."

IF I LOOK GOOD,

I SHOULD STILL
BE MOTHERFUCKING ALIVE.

I WANT A MOTHERFUCKER WALKING
BY MY CASKET TO SAY,

"GOD DAMN!

I SEE WHY THAT NIGGA DEAD!"

[laughter and applause]

NIGGA, FUCK THAT SHIT.

IT AIN'T THE QUALITY OF LIFE--
OR THE QUANTITY.

IT'S THE QUALITY.
YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

WOULD YOU REALLY WANT TO LIVE
TO BE 199 YEARS OLD?

SHITTING ON YOURSELF.

YOU COME IN THE WORLD
IN DIAPERS.

IF YOU GOT TO LEAVE
IN DEPENDS, NIGGA,

YOU STAYED TOO LONG.

[laughter and applause]

IF IT LOOK LIKE I'M ABOUT
TO SHIT ON MYSELF,

UNPLUG ME, NIGGA.

'CAUSE LIFE IS FOR
THE LIVING.

AND MOTHERFUCKERS
THAT ARE ALIVE AND LOVE YOU

DON'T WANT TO UNPLUG YOU
'CAUSE THEY LOVE YOU.

MOTHERFUCKER, LET ME GO.

I SAID I'M TIRED.

NOW UNPLUG THIS SHIT, NIGGA.

I WANT TO SEE WHAT
THE NEXT PART LOOK LIKE.

'CAUSE I KNOW THIS
AIN'T THE END.

ENERGY AIN'T DISSIPATED.

IT'S TRANSFERRED.

THIS SPIRIT ANIMATES THIS CLAY
WE MOTHERFUCKING TRAPPED IN.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

CLAY DROP THE FUCK DOWN.

MY SPIRIT GOING ON
TO THE NEXT PHASE, NIGGA.

NOW, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

[applause]

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

I HAD MY FUN.

AND SOME OF YOU
OLD MOTHERFUCKERS

AIN'T PLAYING FAIR.

YOU KNOW, THEY GOT THIS
NEW SHIT VIAGRA, CIALIS.

I THINK GOD PUT
A TICKING CLOCK ON A DICK.

YOUR DICK SUPPOSED TO BE DONE
RIGHT AROUND THE SPEED LIMIT.

[laughter and applause]

AIN'T NO NEED IN YOU HAVING
NO KIDS AFTER 55.

YOUR ASS AIN'T GONNA BE HERE
WHEN THEY GET OUT OF SCHOOL.

NOW, PLAY FAIR.
PUT THE PILL DOWN.

SHUT YOUR DICK UP.

'CAUSE A YOUNG MOTHERFUCKER--

SUPPOSED TO BE OUR TURN TO GET
SOME DAMN PUSSY, MOTHERFUCKER.

OLD NIGGA ALREADY ESTABLISHED.
HE GOT A BUSINESS.

HE GOT A MOTHERFUCKING
ROLLS-ROYCE.

HE GETTING ALL THE YOUNG PUSSY
AND THE YOUNG NIGGA LIKE THIS,

"BUT, BABY,
WELL, YOU KNOW--"

SHE LIKE, "YOU AIN'T GOT
NO CAR.

I'M GOING WITH SUGAR DADDY."

YOU OLD NIGGAS, PUT
YOUR WRINKLED-UP MONSTER UP.

AND YOU KNOW THEM OLD NIGGAS
BE CHEATING, NIGGA.

RIGHT NOW, THEY POPPING
THEY PILL

'CAUSE THEY KNOW
THE SHOW ALMOST OVER.

[laughter and applause]

'CAUSE THEY KNOW IT TAKE
A HOUR FOR IT TO KICK IN.

YOU KNOW.

"I'MA BE READY FOR YOU
AFTER THIS SHOW, GIRL.

"GONNA BE READY FOR YOU.

"TELL YOU I DROP
I LIKE IT'S HOT.

I CAN DROP IT
LIKE IT'S HOT."

[cheers and applause]

NIGGA, IF Y'ALL THINK
I'M FUNNY,

MY GRANDFATHER IS
THE FUNNIEST MOTHERFUCKER

OUTSIDE OF RICHARD PRYOR
I EVER MET.

MY GRANDDADDY WOULD SIT ON
THE FRONT PORCH.

HE'D BE LIKE, "LOOKIE HERE.

I LIKE YOUNG HOS."

I SAID, "YOUNG HOS?"

HE LIKE, "YEAH, NIGGA.
IF YOU CATCH ME WITH SOMETHING

"OVER 27, I'M HOLDING IT
FOR THE POLICE.

[laughter]

"ALL I CAN SHOW
A 30-YEAR-OLD BITCH IS

"IS WHERE
THE OLD FOLKS HOME IS.

"YOU KNOW HOW MANY DICKS
SHE DONE SEEN

"IN 30 YEARS, EDDIE?

I LIKE YOUNG HOS."

HE SAID, "EDDIE, I HAD ONE
SO YOUNG LAST NIGHT,

WHEN I GOT DONE,
I HAD TO BURP HER."

[laughter and applause]

I COULDN'T EVEN CALL HIM
A DIRTY OLD MAN.

I WAS JUST LIKE...

"ALL RIGHT."

'CAUSE THE NIGGA
EXPLAINED IT TO ME.

HE SAID, "THERE'S ONE THING
AN OLD MOTHERFUCKER DON'T WANT,

"AND THAT'S AN OLD BITCH.

"TWO OLD MOTHERFUCKERS
DON'T GO TOGETHER.

DUST FLYING EVERYWHERE."

[laughter and applause]

[audience members shouting]

DON'T GO?

HEY, BABY.

I HAD TO COME TO
THE YAY AREA.

[cheers and applause]

'CAUSE I KNOW UP HERE,
Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS IS SHARP.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AND YOU'RE STILL STREET
AT THE SAME TIME, SO YOU--

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU ACTUALLY SEE NIGGAS
WITH BOOKS UP HERE.

[cheers and applause]

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IF YOU WANNA STOP MOTHERFUCKERS
FROM DEALING DOPE

ON YOUR BLOCK,
ON THE CORNER,

WALK UP AND HAND THEM NIGGAS
A BOOK.

WATCH THEM RUN.

THAT NIGGA TRYING TO GET ME
TO READ!

ALL THESE WORDS AND STUFF.

YEAH, THEY SAY THESE
WHITE PEOPLE ARE SCARED OF

A NIGGA WITH A GUN.

NO, THEY AIN'T.

WHEN THEY SEE YOUR ASS WITH
A GUN, HERE'S WHAT THEY DO.

"GOTCHA!

HE'LL BE IN JAIL SOON."

THEY SEE YOUR ASS
WITH A BOOK--

TRY THIS SHIT,
'CAUSE I DO IT ALL THE TIME.

GO TO STARBUCKS
OR ONE OF THEM LITTLE,

YOU KNOW, COFFEE SHOP SHIT,
SIT DOWN WITH A BOOK.

WHITE PERSON SITTING
OVER THERE.

THEY CAN'T RESIST IT, NIGGA,
THEY JUST BE LIKE...

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

[laughter]

THEY HAVE TO GET UP, NIGGA,
THEY--

[laughter]

"HELLO.

[laughter]

WHAT ARE YOU READING?"

AND I FUCK WITH THEM.

HOW TO KILL WHITE PEOPLE.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

GET A BOOK, MAN.

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL.

FUN TO MENTAL.

[cheers and applause]

THINK!

IT AIN'T ILLEGAL YET.

BUT THEY'RE WORKING ON IT.

[cheers and applause]

I WANT THE YOUNG MOTHERFUCKERS
IN HERE TONIGHT,

NO MATTER WHAT
YOUR NATIONALITY IS,

TURN THE MOTHERFUCKING TV OFF
FOR ONE WEEK.

AND SEE IF YOU CAN SURVIVE.

MOTHERFUCKERS ARE GOING INTO
A TELEVISION JUNKIE

MOTHERFUCKING MODE,
"NIGGA, AIN'T NO TV.

I NEED MY REMOTE, NIGGA,
I'M JONESING."

NIGGA, IT'S CALLED TELE...
VISION...

PROGRAMMING.

THEY'RE TELLING YOU VISUALLY
THE PROGRAM.

YOU'RE BEING PROGRAMMED,
NIGGA.

YOU WATCH IT ON THE NEWS.

"IT WAS ON CNN.
IT'S TRUE."

"I'VE SEEN IT ON FOX.
IT'S REAL."

IT'S BULLSHIT!

[cheers and applause]

YOU KNOW OBAMA
AIN'T RUNNING SHIT.

PUPPET ON A STRING.

[laughter]

THAT NIGGA RAN FOR OFFICE
AND SAID,

"I'MA STOP BOTH WARS."

DIDN'T HE JUST SEND
60,000 MORE TROOPS

TO AFGHANISTAN?

HE TOOK THEM OUT OF IRAQ.

THEM NIGGAS THOUGHT
THEY WAS GOING HOME.

"SHIT, NIGGA, THE WAR OVER.
WE GOING HOME."

HE LIKE, "NO. OVER THERE."

[laughter and applause]

THAT'S SOME FUCKED UP SHIT.

THEY WIVES AND SHIT,

FAMILY THINKING
THESE MOTHERFUCKERS COMING HOME.

NIGGA, THEY GET SHIPPED
TO A NEW WAR.

AND YOU KNOW THESE WARS
IS ABOUT WHAT?

♪ MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, MONEY

NOW IRAQ,
WE ANNEXED THAT COUNTRY.

YOU KNOW, TOOK THE OIL,
NIGGA.

NOW, ONE THING YOU KNOW ABOUT
AMERICAN MOTHERFUCKING HISTORY,

WHEREVER WE LAND,
WE DON'T LEAVE.

WE ALREADY GOT THREE BASES,
PERMANENT BASES IN IRAQ.

WE STILL IN VIETNAM,
STILL IN MOTHERFUCKING KOREA,

AND STILL GOT A BASE IN JAPAN.

EVERYWHERE WE LAND,
WE DON'T LEAVE!

[cheers and applause]

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I THOUGHT IT WAS CALLED
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,

NOT THE UNITED EMPIRE
OF EARTH.

[laughter and applause]

"YOU WILL DO AS I SAY."

HOW THE FUCK WE GONNA
GO OVER TO IRAQ

AND TELL 'EM WE'RE GIVING
THESE PEOPLE FREEDOM?

THEY DIDN'T ASK FOR IT!

WASN'T NO IRAQIS OVER THERE,

"COME ON OVER HERE.
WE WANNA VOTE."

THEM MOTHERFUCKERS
WAS CHILLIN'.

NOW WE OVER
IN AFGHANISTAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT WE THERE FOR.

OPIUM.

90% OF THE WORLD'S OPIUM
COMES FROM...

audience members:
AFGHANISTAN.

- HOLLA AT YOUR BOY.

[laughter and applause]

NOW IN THE BUDDHIST RELIGION,

THEY SMOKE OPIUM.

THERE'S 1.6 BILLION CHINESE.

IN ORDER TO CONTROL CHINA,

YOU MUST CONTROL OPIUM.

CHINA OWNS 90% OF OUR DEBT.

WELCOME TO CHINA.

[laughter]

LEARN THE LANGUAGE.
NI HAO MA.

[laughter]

XIE-XIE NI.

THE CHINESE
AIN'T TO BE FUCKED WITH.

ONE BRUCE LEE
WOULD FUCK UP THIS WHOLE ROOM.

[laughter]

1.6 BILLION BRUCE LEES?

NIGGA, LEAVE 'EM ALONE.

OH, AMERICA KNOW
WHO TO ATTACK.

YOU AIN'T NEVER SEEN THEM
GO FUCK WITH CHINA.

REMEMBER, CHINA HAD ONE
OF OUR MOTHERFUCKERS--

STUDENTS IN TIANANMEN SQUARE
BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM

ON NATIONAL TELEVISION

WITH A BAMBOO
MOTHERFUCKING STICK.

DID AMERICA GO AND ATTACK?
NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAID?
"WHAT IS HE DOING OVER THERE?"

[laughter]

"SOMEBODY GET HIS PARENTS
ON THE PHONE."

[laughter]

'CAUSE THAT BRUCE LEE
WAS A BAD MOTHERFUCKER.

[cheers and applause]

5'7".

140 POUNDS.

DYNAMITE.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

THAT MOTHERFUCKER
IN THE MOVIE,

YOU EVER SEEN
THAT MOTHERFUCKER?

HE WALKED IN A DOJO.
300 MOTHERFUCKERS.

BRUCE WALK IN AND...

AND, YOU KNOW,
I LOVE THAT NIGGA WALK, NIGGA.

HE HAD THAT LITTLE WALK.

OH, HE WAS A CHIGGA.

A CHIGGA.
A CHINESE NIGGA.

THAT LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER
HAD SOME NIGGA IN HIM, NIGGA.

WE CAN FIGHT ONE AT TIME...

OR TOGETHER.

[cheers and applause]

IF YOU SITTING
IN THAT DOJO,

YOU GOTTA ASK YOURSELF
TWO QUESTIONS.

EITHER HE GOT A BOMB
ON HIS ASS...

OR HE'S REALLY
A BAD MOTHERFUCKER.

NEITHER ONE OF THEM
ARE GOOD.

AND REMEMBER THE MOTHERFUCKING
TEACHERS ARE ALWAYS LIKE,

"WANG, CHANG, LILANG WANG.

HANG!"

THEY RUN OUT THERE
AND GET KILLED, NIGGA.

[laughter]

THEN HE GO WITH
THE SECOND SET.

"WANG, CHANG, CHING-CHONG,
CHANG, WONG-LONG."

NIGGA,
IF I'M IN THAT SECOND SET,

I WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE,
"HEY, HEY, HOLD THE FUCK UP.

[laughter]

"THEM WAS YOUR BLACK BELTS.

"MY SHIT IS ORANGE.

YOU THE TEACHER, TEACH!"

[laughter]

NOW IF YOU WHUP HIS ASS,
I'LL KEEP TAKING YOUR CLASS.

IF NOT, I'M ABOUT TO STUDY
WITH THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

I'M EDDIE GRIFFIN.
Y'ALL BEEN WONDERFUL.

GOOD NIGHT, OAKLAND, BABY.

[cheers and applause]

[hip-hop music]

♪

- WHAT?

- LET IT GO!
IT'S GONNA GO ALL THE WAY!

OH!
- OH, MY GOD!