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( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )
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♪ Love ♪
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00:00:15,438 --> 00:00:18,477
♪ Exciting and new ♪
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00:00:19,449 --> 00:00:21,386
♪ Come aboard ♪
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00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:27,246
♪ We're expecting you ♪
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00:00:27,270 --> 00:00:29,808
♪ And love ♪
7
00:00:31,447 --> 00:00:34,521
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
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00:00:35,759 --> 00:00:37,327
♪ Let it flow ♪
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♪ It floats back to you ♪
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♪ The Love Boat ♪
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00:00:47,122 --> 00:00:52,078
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
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00:00:52,102 --> 00:00:55,251
♪ The Love Boat ♪
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00:00:55,275 --> 00:00:59,865
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
14
00:00:59,889 --> 00:01:02,071
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
15
00:01:02,095 --> 00:01:06,335
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
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00:01:08,175 --> 00:01:11,630
♪ And love ♪
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00:01:11,654 --> 00:01:14,760
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
18
00:01:15,863 --> 00:01:19,817
♪ It's an open smile ♪
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00:01:19,841 --> 00:01:24,161
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
20
00:01:24,185 --> 00:01:28,639
♪ It's love ♪
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00:01:28,664 --> 00:01:34,846
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
22
00:01:39,190 --> 00:01:40,693
( upbeat theme playing )
23
00:01:42,065 --> 00:01:44,882
Ah. Somehow 86 degrees,
24
00:01:44,906 --> 00:01:46,886
bright sunshine and a smog alert
25
00:01:46,910 --> 00:01:48,255
don't say Christmas to me.
26
00:01:48,279 --> 00:01:50,429
What's missing is snow.
27
00:01:50,453 --> 00:01:52,769
Of course it's missing.
It's 86 degrees.
28
00:01:52,793 --> 00:01:56,209
Oh, I sure wish I was up
in Oregon with my folks.
29
00:01:56,233 --> 00:01:57,781
You know, this is
the first Christmas
30
00:01:57,805 --> 00:01:59,720
I've ever spent
without my family.
31
00:01:59,744 --> 00:02:01,191
How do you think I feel?
32
00:02:01,215 --> 00:02:03,196
I never spend Christmas
with your family.
33
00:02:03,220 --> 00:02:04,835
( both laugh )
34
00:02:04,859 --> 00:02:06,170
But I know what you mean, Julie.
35
00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:09,679
I mean, Christmastime
should be family time.
36
00:02:09,703 --> 00:02:12,086
I would've been in Las Vegas.
37
00:02:12,110 --> 00:02:13,321
Nothing more traditional
38
00:02:13,345 --> 00:02:15,761
than Christmas at a
crap table. ( chuckles )
39
00:02:15,785 --> 00:02:17,332
But it is traditional.
40
00:02:17,356 --> 00:02:18,970
Every year my
ex-wives get together
41
00:02:18,994 --> 00:02:21,076
and treat me to a
big turkey dinner.
42
00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:24,016
Sort of their way
of saying thanks.
43
00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:27,658
We always spend Christmas
at my Uncle Delmer's farm. Mm.
44
00:02:27,682 --> 00:02:29,798
We arrive at 9:00 on
Christmas morning,
45
00:02:29,822 --> 00:02:31,002
and by 10 we're sitting down
46
00:02:31,026 --> 00:02:33,574
to a big pancake
breakfast and syrup.
47
00:02:33,599 --> 00:02:35,612
At 11:00 we open the
Christmas presents,
48
00:02:35,636 --> 00:02:37,885
and then at 1:30 we
all go out for a walk.
49
00:02:37,909 --> 00:02:40,057
By 2:30 everybody's
ready for a nap.
50
00:02:40,081 --> 00:02:41,997
Sounds like fun. Mm-hm.
51
00:02:42,021 --> 00:02:43,634
Good morning.
52
00:02:43,658 --> 00:02:45,170
Morning, captain.
Good morning, sir.
53
00:02:45,194 --> 00:02:47,109
Well, we nap for
about an hour or so,
54
00:02:47,133 --> 00:02:48,981
and then at 3:30,
Bob... That's my brother
55
00:02:49,005 --> 00:02:50,853
he takes the kids
to visit the neighbors.
56
00:02:50,877 --> 00:02:53,694
Then, at 6:15, my
Aunt Lillian brings out
57
00:02:53,718 --> 00:02:54,763
a big Christmas goose,
58
00:02:54,788 --> 00:02:57,224
and we eat ourselves
right into oblivion.
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00:02:57,928 --> 00:02:59,040
Then at 8,
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00:02:59,064 --> 00:03:02,482
we drag ourselves
away from the table and...
61
00:03:02,506 --> 00:03:03,552
Go to bed?
62
00:03:03,576 --> 00:03:05,156
No, then we go
caroling door to door.
63
00:03:05,180 --> 00:03:07,128
Then you go to bed?
64
00:03:07,152 --> 00:03:08,732
No, then we burn
the traditional...
65
00:03:08,756 --> 00:03:10,369
You see, sir, we're all feeling
66
00:03:10,393 --> 00:03:11,572
a little homesick about
67
00:03:11,596 --> 00:03:12,977
having to spend
Christmas aboard.
68
00:03:13,001 --> 00:03:14,181
Really?
69
00:03:14,205 --> 00:03:16,018
I've never done anything else.
70
00:03:16,042 --> 00:03:17,687
Oh, but, sir,
wouldn't you rather
71
00:03:17,711 --> 00:03:20,095
spend Christmas with
your family than at sea?
72
00:03:20,119 --> 00:03:23,537
Miss McCoy... as
you know, I'm divorced.
73
00:03:23,561 --> 00:03:25,809
My family consists of my father
74
00:03:25,834 --> 00:03:28,315
and his new wife,
and they live in Florida.
75
00:03:28,339 --> 00:03:29,888
So as far as I'm concerned,
76
00:03:29,912 --> 00:03:32,316
Christmas is just
another working day.
77
00:03:34,323 --> 00:03:37,740
And speaking of
work... Ah. Ah, yes, sir.
78
00:03:37,764 --> 00:03:40,810
Right. I gotta see
some people right now.
79
00:03:41,007 --> 00:03:42,186
Sir? Hm?
80
00:03:42,210 --> 00:03:43,522
Um...
81
00:03:43,546 --> 00:03:46,530
I know that we don't
normally exchange presents,
82
00:03:46,554 --> 00:03:48,435
but I was thinking that
seeing as how... ( sighs )
83
00:03:48,459 --> 00:03:50,842
we're gonna be at sea
on Christmas day, we...
84
00:03:50,866 --> 00:03:53,336
Mr. Smith, a rule is a rule.
85
00:03:54,442 --> 00:03:56,221
No presents.
86
00:03:56,245 --> 00:03:57,445
Aye, aye, sir.
87
00:03:58,887 --> 00:04:01,024
Scrooge lives.
88
00:04:02,495 --> 00:04:04,177
( horn blaring )
89
00:04:04,201 --> 00:04:06,370
( upbeat theme playing )
90
00:04:08,110 --> 00:04:10,325
STUBING ( over PA ): Good
morning, ladies and gentlemen,
91
00:04:10,349 --> 00:04:11,629
and welcome to our annual
92
00:04:11,654 --> 00:04:14,303
three-day Christmas
voyage to Ensenada.
93
00:04:14,327 --> 00:04:17,232
Bon voyage and merry Christmas.
94
00:04:20,342 --> 00:04:21,890
( people chattering )
95
00:04:21,914 --> 00:04:23,356
JULIE: Hello. Welcome aboard.
96
00:04:26,057 --> 00:04:28,338
Hey. Julie. Look at those two.
97
00:04:28,362 --> 00:04:30,444
Five bucks says
they're not married.
98
00:04:30,468 --> 00:04:32,116
Oh, no way. They're newlyweds.
99
00:04:32,140 --> 00:04:34,890
Oh, please. Lovers. Bet?
100
00:04:34,913 --> 00:04:36,326
Bet.
101
00:04:36,350 --> 00:04:39,167
Oh, darling, this is wonderful.
102
00:04:39,191 --> 00:04:41,540
I'm so glad you brought
me on this cruise.
103
00:04:41,564 --> 00:04:43,511
I'm glad I brought you too.
104
00:04:43,535 --> 00:04:46,940
MAN ( thinking ): If I didn't bring
you, I'd have to kiss you goodbye.
105
00:04:48,047 --> 00:04:49,493
It'll be fun.
106
00:04:49,517 --> 00:04:51,066
Just the two of us at sea.
107
00:04:51,090 --> 00:04:53,705
Oh-ho-ho. Yes, it will. Ha, ha.
108
00:04:53,729 --> 00:04:56,773
WOMAN ( thinking ): I'd rather
be in a swamp with Idi Amin.
109
00:04:58,908 --> 00:05:00,456
Newlyweds.
110
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:01,693
Lovers.
111
00:05:01,717 --> 00:05:03,464
Five big ones.
112
00:05:03,488 --> 00:05:06,371
Hi. We're Mr. and Mrs. Baynes.
113
00:05:06,395 --> 00:05:07,606
Well, how do you do? Hi.
114
00:05:07,630 --> 00:05:10,114
Check's in the mail.
Huh. Welcome aboard.
115
00:05:10,138 --> 00:05:11,685
This is Assistant Purser Smith
116
00:05:11,710 --> 00:05:13,556
and I'm Julie McCoy,
your cruise director.
117
00:05:13,580 --> 00:05:14,760
How do you do? Welcome aboard.
118
00:05:14,784 --> 00:05:16,664
JULIE: I'm sure
you'll enjoy our cruise.
119
00:05:16,688 --> 00:05:19,237
( thinking ): A
Christmas cruise with her.
120
00:05:19,261 --> 00:05:22,347
♪ 'Tis the season
To be seasick ♪
121
00:05:22,371 --> 00:05:24,518
( thinking ): And
after Christmas, what?
122
00:05:24,542 --> 00:05:26,656
New Year's Eve. Oh, my God!
123
00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:28,549
I'm gonna have
to kiss him again.
124
00:05:32,397 --> 00:05:35,045
And we hope you both
have a wonderful time.
125
00:05:35,069 --> 00:05:36,548
Huh? What? I'm... I'm sorry.
126
00:05:36,572 --> 00:05:38,119
I... I guess I was daydreaming.
127
00:05:38,143 --> 00:05:39,223
Uh, you were saying?
128
00:05:39,247 --> 00:05:40,894
Uh, yes, sir. I was saying
129
00:05:40,918 --> 00:05:43,334
that you're in Cabin
344, Promenade Deck.
130
00:05:43,358 --> 00:05:44,404
( laughs )
131
00:05:44,428 --> 00:05:45,939
You'll have to forgive Paul.
132
00:05:45,963 --> 00:05:48,011
He's just so thrilled,
he's a little out of it.
133
00:05:48,035 --> 00:05:49,215
( chuckles )
134
00:05:49,239 --> 00:05:51,589
( thinking ):
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Out of it?
135
00:05:51,613 --> 00:05:54,062
That's what I want. Out of it!
136
00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:56,066
And don't forget, our
gift shop will be open
137
00:05:56,091 --> 00:05:58,105
if you need to buy any
last-minute presents.
138
00:05:58,129 --> 00:05:59,876
Thanks.
139
00:05:59,900 --> 00:06:03,185
( thinking ): Ooh, I hope he gives
me what I want this Christmas:
140
00:06:03,209 --> 00:06:04,523
A divorce.
141
00:06:04,547 --> 00:06:06,883
And I promise I
won't exchange it.
142
00:06:08,857 --> 00:06:10,140
Goodbye. Bye-bye.
143
00:06:11,364 --> 00:06:14,247
Well, now, that's what I
call a happily married couple.
144
00:06:14,271 --> 00:06:15,850
I can spot 'em like that.
145
00:06:15,874 --> 00:06:17,377
I don't wanna talk about it.
146
00:06:20,988 --> 00:06:22,351
Honey? Mm?
147
00:06:23,329 --> 00:06:25,040
Relax. ( chuckles )
148
00:06:25,064 --> 00:06:26,177
I can't help it.
149
00:06:26,201 --> 00:06:28,082
I think everyone's
staring at me.
150
00:06:28,106 --> 00:06:30,924
Feel like I'm wearing
a sign that says ex-con.
151
00:06:30,948 --> 00:06:32,561
You've gotta get
that out of your head.
152
00:06:32,585 --> 00:06:34,534
You're not a criminal.
You never were.
153
00:06:34,558 --> 00:06:36,203
You were innocent.
( sighs ): Yes.
154
00:06:36,227 --> 00:06:38,342
I know that, you know that.
155
00:06:38,366 --> 00:06:40,181
Too bad the jury
didn't know that. Honey.
156
00:06:40,205 --> 00:06:42,254
I can't erase the
last three years.
157
00:06:42,278 --> 00:06:45,527
You got a raw deal. But
that's behind you now.
158
00:06:45,551 --> 00:06:48,434
Let's make a brand new
start on our future, huh?
159
00:06:48,458 --> 00:06:50,229
Okay. Okay.
160
00:06:51,301 --> 00:06:52,280
Oh, purser.
161
00:06:52,304 --> 00:06:53,449
GOPHER: Yes, ma'am.
162
00:06:53,473 --> 00:06:55,051
We're Mr. and Mrs. Barton.
163
00:06:55,075 --> 00:06:56,355
Ah, welcome aboard.
164
00:06:56,379 --> 00:06:58,194
Now, let's see. Barton.
165
00:06:58,218 --> 00:07:00,433
Uh, Aloha Deck, Cabin 353.
166
00:07:00,457 --> 00:07:02,239
Right through there. Thank you.
167
00:07:02,263 --> 00:07:03,475
Gee, Mr. Barton,
168
00:07:03,499 --> 00:07:05,746
you look like you could
use a little sunshine.
169
00:07:05,771 --> 00:07:07,418
Probably working too hard, hm?
170
00:07:07,442 --> 00:07:08,621
( sighs ) ( sighs )
171
00:07:08,645 --> 00:07:10,193
Come on, baby.
172
00:07:10,217 --> 00:07:13,100
Now, okay, guys. Now,
settle down. Settle down, huh?
173
00:07:13,124 --> 00:07:15,272
Hi, Julie. Oh, hi.
174
00:07:15,296 --> 00:07:17,978
Welcome aboard, Father
Mike. It's good to see you again.
175
00:07:18,002 --> 00:07:20,419
Tony, get off that rail.
176
00:07:20,443 --> 00:07:21,790
I ain't on the rail.
177
00:07:21,814 --> 00:07:24,397
No. But you were
thinking about it.
178
00:07:24,421 --> 00:07:25,598
Uh, Julie...
179
00:07:25,622 --> 00:07:28,138
I'd like you to meet
Mario, Artie, Ben,
180
00:07:28,162 --> 00:07:30,010
Mitch, Peanut... Hi.
181
00:07:30,034 --> 00:07:31,147
MIKE: and Tony.
182
00:07:31,171 --> 00:07:32,183
Hello.
183
00:07:32,207 --> 00:07:34,022
Hi. Hi. Hi.
184
00:07:34,046 --> 00:07:35,925
First one of 'em that,
uh, gives you any lip,
185
00:07:35,949 --> 00:07:38,064
throw 'em over
the side. ( laughs )
186
00:07:38,088 --> 00:07:39,535
Well, you guys have fun.
187
00:07:39,559 --> 00:07:41,072
Okay, guys. L-let's
get going, huh?
188
00:07:41,096 --> 00:07:43,479
Now, n-no running,
no pushing, no shoving.
189
00:07:43,503 --> 00:07:44,515
And no fighting.
190
00:07:44,539 --> 00:07:45,772
Can we breathe?
191
00:07:46,610 --> 00:07:47,989
Let me think about it.
192
00:07:48,013 --> 00:07:49,296
( Julie laughs )
193
00:07:51,859 --> 00:07:53,371
Was that Father Mike?
194
00:07:53,395 --> 00:07:55,509
Yes, sir. He brought six
kids with him this year.
195
00:07:55,533 --> 00:07:57,916
Oh, well, I hope they
behave themselves.
196
00:07:57,940 --> 00:08:00,522
Well, sir, they're kids.
They're supposed to have fun.
197
00:08:00,546 --> 00:08:01,760
That's the whole idea
198
00:08:01,784 --> 00:08:03,330
of bringing these
orphans on a holiday.
199
00:08:03,354 --> 00:08:05,434
Mm-hm. Just keep
them off the bridge.
200
00:08:05,458 --> 00:08:06,571
Yes, sir.
201
00:08:06,595 --> 00:08:08,811
Oh, did you know that some guy
202
00:08:08,835 --> 00:08:10,783
pays for a bunch of
these kids every year,
203
00:08:10,808 --> 00:08:12,153
and nobody knows who it is?
204
00:08:12,177 --> 00:08:13,290
Swell.
205
00:08:13,314 --> 00:08:15,728
Well, sir, did you
ever ask Father Mike
206
00:08:15,752 --> 00:08:17,399
who puts up the money?
207
00:08:17,423 --> 00:08:20,541
Obviously, somebody with
more dollars than sense.
208
00:08:20,565 --> 00:08:21,745
( chuckles )
209
00:08:21,769 --> 00:08:24,386
Well, Merry Christmas
to you too, sir.
210
00:08:24,410 --> 00:08:25,955
Mm.
211
00:08:25,979 --> 00:08:28,963
( horn blaring )
212
00:08:28,987 --> 00:08:30,969
( cheering,
chattering excitedly )
213
00:08:30,993 --> 00:08:33,230
( upbeat theme playing )
214
00:08:40,183 --> 00:08:41,217
Yeah!
215
00:08:48,638 --> 00:08:51,778
( horn blaring )
216
00:08:59,700 --> 00:09:00,847
Honey?
217
00:09:00,871 --> 00:09:02,216
DAN: Mm?
218
00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:04,188
Would you like to have
dinner in the cabin tonight?
219
00:09:04,212 --> 00:09:06,735
It's a lot... cozier
than the dining room.
220
00:09:08,756 --> 00:09:10,136
It's okay.
221
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:11,575
I'm ready to be with people.
222
00:09:11,599 --> 00:09:12,978
( sighs )
223
00:09:13,002 --> 00:09:16,809
Right now I'm the only
people I want you to be with.
224
00:09:19,585 --> 00:09:20,932
I never deserved you, Lila.
225
00:09:20,956 --> 00:09:22,469
Tsk.
226
00:09:22,493 --> 00:09:24,509
Now even less than before.
227
00:09:24,533 --> 00:09:25,565
( sighs )
228
00:09:27,940 --> 00:09:29,052
( chuckles ): Honey...
229
00:09:29,076 --> 00:09:31,793
everything's gonna be all right.
230
00:09:31,817 --> 00:09:35,536
When we get back home, you
can make a brand new start.
231
00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:37,541
Sure.
232
00:09:37,565 --> 00:09:38,744
What'll I do?
233
00:09:38,768 --> 00:09:40,583
I'm a lawyer, Lila.
234
00:09:40,607 --> 00:09:42,487
A lawyer who can't practice law.
235
00:09:42,511 --> 00:09:44,114
You'll find something.
236
00:09:47,691 --> 00:09:49,237
Yeah, maybe I'll just...
237
00:09:49,261 --> 00:09:50,440
answer every ad I see
238
00:09:50,465 --> 00:09:52,401
for a convicted embezzler.
239
00:09:55,645 --> 00:09:58,584
( mellow theme playing )
240
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:04,579
Hi, Merrill.
241
00:10:04,603 --> 00:10:07,084
Hello. Hi, Father Mike.
242
00:10:07,108 --> 00:10:08,688
How're the kids?
243
00:10:08,712 --> 00:10:10,827
Oh, they're getting
ready for dinner.
244
00:10:10,851 --> 00:10:11,998
I only had to break up
245
00:10:12,022 --> 00:10:14,438
one water fight and
one soap fight. Hm.
246
00:10:14,462 --> 00:10:16,697
Well, at least they'll
come to dinner clean.
247
00:10:17,668 --> 00:10:19,349
You're good with kids.
248
00:10:19,373 --> 00:10:21,857
They're just short people.
249
00:10:21,882 --> 00:10:24,063
Maybe that's why
you're a priest and...
250
00:10:24,087 --> 00:10:25,386
I'm a captain.
251
00:10:26,491 --> 00:10:28,896
Tsk. I understand the sea.
252
00:10:30,570 --> 00:10:32,332
People... ( scoffs )
253
00:10:33,812 --> 00:10:35,124
Something on your mind?
254
00:10:35,148 --> 00:10:36,895
Me? No.
255
00:10:36,919 --> 00:10:37,986
( inhales )
256
00:10:39,292 --> 00:10:40,334
It's nothing.
257
00:10:42,601 --> 00:10:46,207
Nothing can, uh,
weigh a ton, can't it?
258
00:10:47,378 --> 00:10:49,393
Well, it's just so silly.
259
00:10:49,417 --> 00:10:52,825
I mean, here I am, on a
ship full of people and...
260
00:10:54,131 --> 00:10:55,211
And you're lonely.
261
00:10:57,205 --> 00:10:58,852
Yeah.
262
00:10:58,876 --> 00:11:01,292
And it's Christmas and...
263
00:11:01,316 --> 00:11:03,665
that's blowing it
all out of proportion.
264
00:11:03,689 --> 00:11:05,490
I told you it was silly.
265
00:11:06,931 --> 00:11:10,115
You know, that's what
steams me about Christmas.
266
00:11:10,139 --> 00:11:13,490
It's supposed to
bring people closer.
267
00:11:13,514 --> 00:11:16,787
So often it... isolates them.
268
00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:20,709
Look, Merrill, you must have...
269
00:11:20,733 --> 00:11:21,969
friends on the crew.
270
00:11:23,273 --> 00:11:26,189
At best... they tolerate me.
271
00:11:26,213 --> 00:11:28,427
Oh.
272
00:11:28,451 --> 00:11:29,699
You're not only lonely,
273
00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:32,572
you're, uh... feeling
sorry for yourself too.
274
00:11:32,596 --> 00:11:35,714
Hey. You don't
pussyfoot around, do you?
275
00:11:35,738 --> 00:11:37,551
Part of my charm.
276
00:11:37,575 --> 00:11:39,090
Mike...
277
00:11:39,114 --> 00:11:43,000
I wanna be friendly with
my crew, but I'm the captain.
278
00:11:43,024 --> 00:11:44,438
I mean, I... I can't be
279
00:11:44,462 --> 00:11:46,575
their friend and lead them too.
280
00:11:46,599 --> 00:11:47,600
Really?
281
00:11:49,407 --> 00:11:51,356
Well, I don't know, I've...
282
00:11:51,380 --> 00:11:53,494
I heard of this leader once
283
00:11:53,518 --> 00:11:54,919
who was a friend to everyone.
284
00:11:56,158 --> 00:12:00,312
Well, he had this
technique he used that...
285
00:12:00,336 --> 00:12:04,211
really helped him to
get close to his crew.
286
00:12:05,984 --> 00:12:09,568
As I remember, it was
something like, uh...
287
00:12:09,592 --> 00:12:12,043
love thy neighbor as thyself.
288
00:12:12,067 --> 00:12:14,115
( slow, dramatic theme playing )
289
00:12:14,139 --> 00:12:15,317
Worked so well for him,
290
00:12:15,341 --> 00:12:18,391
they, uh, celebrate
his birthday every year.
291
00:12:18,415 --> 00:12:20,186
Right about now.
292
00:12:21,725 --> 00:12:23,205
Yeah.
293
00:12:23,229 --> 00:12:25,543
But how do I make
that work for me?
294
00:12:25,567 --> 00:12:27,548
Well, Merrill, your
crew does more than
295
00:12:27,572 --> 00:12:29,687
just run this ship.
296
00:12:29,712 --> 00:12:31,093
They have all
sorts of interests.
297
00:12:31,117 --> 00:12:32,429
Find out about them.
298
00:12:32,453 --> 00:12:35,102
Uh, get involved.
299
00:12:35,126 --> 00:12:38,131
And do you know
what the result will be?
300
00:12:39,370 --> 00:12:42,354
They'll celebrate my
birthday every year?
301
00:12:42,378 --> 00:12:43,993
Right about now?
302
00:12:44,017 --> 00:12:45,729
( chuckles )
303
00:12:45,753 --> 00:12:48,402
Only if you were
born in December.
304
00:12:48,426 --> 00:12:50,375
( chuckles )
305
00:12:50,399 --> 00:12:52,937
( slow, upbeat theme playing )
306
00:12:57,150 --> 00:12:59,386
( piano playing,
people chattering )
307
00:13:04,836 --> 00:13:07,185
Are you sure you wouldn't
like a little wine, dear?
308
00:13:07,209 --> 00:13:08,488
Are you silly?
309
00:13:08,512 --> 00:13:10,594
You know I can't stand
the taste of alcohol.
310
00:13:10,618 --> 00:13:12,499
I'll just stick
with my iced tea.
311
00:13:12,523 --> 00:13:13,602
( sighs )
312
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:16,042
Well... here's to us.
313
00:13:16,066 --> 00:13:17,068
To us.
314
00:13:20,945 --> 00:13:24,151
( thinking ): How can I ask
the poor woman for a divorce?
315
00:13:25,122 --> 00:13:26,869
It would break her heart.
316
00:13:26,893 --> 00:13:29,376
She's so much in love with me.
317
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:31,416
( thinking ): Look how
he's looking at me.
318
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:33,008
Like a lovesick puppy.
319
00:13:35,081 --> 00:13:37,418
How can I tell a guy
like that to kiss off?
320
00:13:38,992 --> 00:13:41,877
( thinking ): If I could
only get her to hate me.
321
00:13:42,902 --> 00:13:45,450
Naw. That's impossible.
322
00:13:45,474 --> 00:13:47,722
I'm too perfect.
323
00:13:47,746 --> 00:13:49,495
( thinking ): It's my own fault.
324
00:13:49,519 --> 00:13:51,991
I've made life too
pleasant for him.
325
00:13:58,175 --> 00:13:59,821
What are you looking for?
326
00:13:59,846 --> 00:14:02,997
( sighs ): Oh, n...
Nothing. Nothing.
327
00:14:03,022 --> 00:14:04,601
Honey, you know
someone you ought to call
328
00:14:04,625 --> 00:14:05,636
when we get back home?
329
00:14:05,660 --> 00:14:07,296
Walter Perry.
330
00:14:08,367 --> 00:14:09,847
( sighs )
331
00:14:09,872 --> 00:14:12,822
Look, darling, let's... Let's
just forget about all that.
332
00:14:12,846 --> 00:14:14,760
Why, he was more than
just your law partner,
333
00:14:14,784 --> 00:14:15,997
he was your friend.
334
00:14:16,022 --> 00:14:18,403
He never asked for a cent
when he defended you.
335
00:14:18,427 --> 00:14:20,242
Oh, I know that.
336
00:14:20,266 --> 00:14:22,181
And he was very good to
me while you were away.
337
00:14:22,205 --> 00:14:23,650
He used to call all the time
338
00:14:23,674 --> 00:14:25,722
and see if I needed
any money or anything.
339
00:14:25,746 --> 00:14:26,992
Believe me...
340
00:14:27,016 --> 00:14:29,265
Walter Perry is a
good friend of yours.
341
00:14:29,289 --> 00:14:30,936
( sighs ) ( glass clinks )
342
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,174
I've gotta get some air.
343
00:14:32,198 --> 00:14:33,176
I'll go with you.
344
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:34,212
No, uh, I...
345
00:14:34,236 --> 00:14:36,250
I have some things
to think about.
346
00:14:36,274 --> 00:14:37,920
I understand.
347
00:14:37,944 --> 00:14:39,280
Yeah. I'll, uh...
348
00:14:41,488 --> 00:14:43,836
I'll be back in five minutes.
349
00:14:43,860 --> 00:14:45,428
Take ten.
350
00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:53,027
Hey, man. ( sighs )
351
00:14:53,052 --> 00:14:54,964
( claps hands )
What's happening?
352
00:14:54,988 --> 00:14:56,000
Excuse me, sir,
353
00:14:56,024 --> 00:14:57,370
I was just on my
way up to the lounge.
354
00:14:57,394 --> 00:14:59,643
Oh, well... Well...
I-I... I can dig that.
355
00:14:59,667 --> 00:15:01,983
Uh, you have to split.
That's cool, that's cool.
356
00:15:02,007 --> 00:15:05,225
Uh, well, I'll, uh, lay
some words on you later.
357
00:15:05,249 --> 00:15:06,450
Gimme five.
358
00:15:13,071 --> 00:15:15,351
Sir, is your malaria
acting up again?
359
00:15:15,375 --> 00:15:16,989
Listen, I'll go to your quarters
360
00:15:17,013 --> 00:15:19,377
and get your pills for you.
361
00:15:21,158 --> 00:15:22,137
( sighs )
362
00:15:22,161 --> 00:15:24,797
Being a pal isn't gonna be easy.
363
00:15:30,881 --> 00:15:33,120
( mellow theme playing )
364
00:15:34,492 --> 00:15:36,038
Excuse me.
365
00:15:36,063 --> 00:15:38,310
I wonder if it's possible for
me to cash a traveler's check?
366
00:15:38,334 --> 00:15:39,447
Oh, yes, sir.
367
00:15:39,471 --> 00:15:41,319
I see you didn't leave
home without them.
368
00:15:41,343 --> 00:15:42,688
( chuckles )
369
00:15:42,712 --> 00:15:44,827
Uh... Walter Perry.
370
00:15:44,851 --> 00:15:46,399
Okay.
371
00:15:46,423 --> 00:15:47,968
Uh, $50 bill okay?
372
00:15:47,992 --> 00:15:49,206
WALTER: It's fine.
373
00:15:49,230 --> 00:15:50,912
There you go. Thank you.
374
00:15:54,676 --> 00:15:56,546
( dramatic theme playing )
375
00:16:00,392 --> 00:16:02,005
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
376
00:16:02,029 --> 00:16:03,944
Don't shake your
Christmas present.
377
00:16:03,968 --> 00:16:05,914
I don't want you to
spoil the surprise.
378
00:16:05,938 --> 00:16:06,951
Ha-ha.
379
00:16:06,975 --> 00:16:08,588
( thinking ): Surprise?
380
00:16:08,612 --> 00:16:10,962
I'll bet it's gonna be another
one of those blue ties.
381
00:16:10,986 --> 00:16:12,767
What can it be
this year, darling?
382
00:16:12,791 --> 00:16:16,041
( laughs ): Oh,
no, I'm not telling.
383
00:16:16,066 --> 00:16:18,481
( thinking ): I was gonna get
you a monogrammed shirt,
384
00:16:18,505 --> 00:16:19,673
but I forgot your name.
385
00:16:21,214 --> 00:16:23,796
Don't peek at your present
while I'm in there, okay?
386
00:16:23,820 --> 00:16:25,254
Oh, no. Ha-ha.
387
00:16:29,835 --> 00:16:32,785
( thinking ): Another bottle
of that cheap perfume:
388
00:16:32,809 --> 00:16:34,956
Oriental Wind.
389
00:16:34,980 --> 00:16:38,155
The only perfume that
comes with a bowl of rice.
390
00:16:39,794 --> 00:16:42,745
Well... here it comes.
391
00:16:42,769 --> 00:16:44,637
( Paul gargling loudly )
392
00:16:47,814 --> 00:16:49,229
And now.
393
00:16:49,253 --> 00:16:51,390
( loudly blowing nose )
394
00:16:56,771 --> 00:16:59,255
A little louder,
they'd abandon ship.
395
00:16:59,279 --> 00:17:01,723
( blowing nose loudly )
396
00:17:05,193 --> 00:17:06,305
It's all yours, darling.
397
00:17:06,329 --> 00:17:07,475
Ha-ha. Thanks, sweetheart.
398
00:17:07,499 --> 00:17:08,501
Ha-ha.
399
00:17:10,207 --> 00:17:11,887
( door closes )
400
00:17:11,911 --> 00:17:14,993
( thinking ): But please,
just this once, don't sing.
401
00:17:15,017 --> 00:17:18,068
AUDREY: ♪ Mi, mi,
mi, Mi, mi, mi, mi ♪
402
00:17:18,092 --> 00:17:22,582
♪ Mi-i-i-i-i-i-i ♪
403
00:17:22,606 --> 00:17:26,011
If we weren't at sea, a
moose would answer.
404
00:17:27,451 --> 00:17:29,131
Don't look.
405
00:17:29,155 --> 00:17:30,569
You know what
she's gonna look like.
406
00:17:30,593 --> 00:17:31,606
( door opens )
407
00:17:31,630 --> 00:17:32,963
( yawns )
408
00:17:37,076 --> 00:17:38,956
I told you not to look.
409
00:17:38,980 --> 00:17:41,198
I can't take any more of this.
410
00:17:41,222 --> 00:17:44,373
But she's got to be the
one to ask for the divorce.
411
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,096
Why should I be the heavy?
412
00:17:48,003 --> 00:17:50,722
( thinking ): Oh. I've got
to do something so terrible,
413
00:17:50,746 --> 00:17:52,826
he'll beg me for a divorce.
414
00:17:52,850 --> 00:17:54,129
But what?
415
00:17:54,154 --> 00:17:56,324
I mean, he even
likes my singing.
416
00:18:02,276 --> 00:18:03,255
Good night, sweetheart.
417
00:18:03,279 --> 00:18:05,601
Good night, darling.
418
00:18:07,354 --> 00:18:10,428
( mellow theme playing )
419
00:18:13,672 --> 00:18:16,152
( "It Came Upon a Midnight
Clear" instrumental playing over PA)
420
00:18:16,177 --> 00:18:17,457
( clears throat )
421
00:18:17,481 --> 00:18:18,627
Oh, captain!
422
00:18:18,651 --> 00:18:20,532
Well, you see, I just
had a few minutes
423
00:18:20,556 --> 00:18:22,370
and I thought I'd do a
little needlepoint, but,
424
00:18:22,394 --> 00:18:24,476
well, I can see my two
minutes are up, and I'd better go.
425
00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:26,742
Ah. It's very pretty.
426
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:30,224
Well... thank you.
427
00:18:30,248 --> 00:18:31,561
Mm-hm.
428
00:18:31,585 --> 00:18:33,767
You know, a lot of men
do needlepoint. Mm-hm.
429
00:18:33,791 --> 00:18:35,101
Even football players. Mm-hm.
430
00:18:35,125 --> 00:18:37,007
Do you think that
maybe you could, uh,
431
00:18:37,031 --> 00:18:39,114
teach me how to do it?
432
00:18:40,073 --> 00:18:43,258
Uh... sure, sir.
433
00:18:43,282 --> 00:18:44,794
Uh, some other time.
434
00:18:44,818 --> 00:18:46,388
Well, what about now?
435
00:18:47,826 --> 00:18:49,072
Okay.
436
00:18:49,096 --> 00:18:50,231
Um...
437
00:18:51,805 --> 00:18:53,919
( clears throat ) Well, you see,
438
00:18:53,943 --> 00:18:55,087
you take the needle
439
00:18:55,111 --> 00:18:57,560
and you put it in
this hole... Mm-hm.
440
00:18:57,584 --> 00:19:02,774
And then bring it
down... through here...
441
00:19:02,798 --> 00:19:04,546
and down like that.
442
00:19:04,570 --> 00:19:05,548
I see.
443
00:19:05,572 --> 00:19:06,551
And that's a stitch.
444
00:19:06,575 --> 00:19:07,854
Uh, thank you.
445
00:19:07,878 --> 00:19:09,714
Um...
446
00:19:14,397 --> 00:19:15,942
Like this?
447
00:19:15,966 --> 00:19:16,978
Perfect.
448
00:19:17,002 --> 00:19:18,549
( laughs )
449
00:19:18,573 --> 00:19:21,925
Well, look, why don't
I, uh, get a kit and, uh,
450
00:19:21,949 --> 00:19:24,514
maybe you and I can
work on it together.
451
00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:28,173
Uh... here. Take mine.
452
00:19:28,197 --> 00:19:31,684
You know, to tell you the
truth, needlepoint bores me stiff.
453
00:19:31,708 --> 00:19:33,377
Gotta go.
454
00:19:38,055 --> 00:19:40,037
( sighs ) Merrill.
455
00:19:40,061 --> 00:19:43,347
You're supposed to get
involved with your crew.
456
00:19:43,371 --> 00:19:46,142
Not stand around
doing needlepoint.
457
00:19:48,283 --> 00:19:50,955
( mellow theme playing )
458
00:19:57,072 --> 00:19:59,577
( "The First Noel"
instrumental playing over PA )
459
00:20:04,992 --> 00:20:05,994
( grunts )
460
00:20:09,170 --> 00:20:10,952
Oh, uh... I already
have a drink.
461
00:20:10,976 --> 00:20:13,340
Well, you can't have too many.
462
00:20:14,985 --> 00:20:16,700
That looks delicious. Mm-hm.
463
00:20:16,724 --> 00:20:17,936
Can you make some more of those?
464
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:20,042
As many as you like.
465
00:20:20,066 --> 00:20:23,050
As long as you promise not
to drive back to your cabin.
466
00:20:23,074 --> 00:20:24,488
We'll take a cab.
467
00:20:24,511 --> 00:20:25,589
( chuckles )
468
00:20:25,613 --> 00:20:26,615
Thanks.
469
00:20:28,152 --> 00:20:29,433
Here you go, sir.
470
00:20:29,457 --> 00:20:32,307
Guaranteed to bring on a smile.
471
00:20:32,331 --> 00:20:34,012
Thanks. Keep the change.
472
00:20:34,036 --> 00:20:36,405
Hm. See? I told you
it was guaranteed.
473
00:20:37,377 --> 00:20:39,341
Sure you won't have one?
474
00:20:41,121 --> 00:20:42,322
( register rings )
475
00:20:43,862 --> 00:20:45,062
Hello, Walt.
476
00:20:47,971 --> 00:20:49,306
Dan, I, uh...
477
00:20:51,381 --> 00:20:54,635
I, uh... At a loss for
words, counselor?
478
00:20:55,658 --> 00:20:57,304
I never thought I'd see the day.
479
00:20:57,328 --> 00:20:58,742
Huh. Well, no.
480
00:20:58,766 --> 00:20:59,934
It's just that I, uh...
481
00:21:01,307 --> 00:21:03,422
Oh, I thought that
you were still in, uh...
482
00:21:03,446 --> 00:21:04,448
In prison.
483
00:21:05,751 --> 00:21:08,400
No, you see, I was
paroled last week.
484
00:21:08,424 --> 00:21:09,604
You know, uh,
485
00:21:09,628 --> 00:21:11,241
good behavior,
that sort a thing.
486
00:21:11,266 --> 00:21:12,278
Walt?
487
00:21:12,302 --> 00:21:13,314
Lila! For heaven's sake.
488
00:21:13,338 --> 00:21:14,484
( laughs )
489
00:21:14,507 --> 00:21:16,388
We were just talking
about you last night.
490
00:21:16,412 --> 00:21:17,780
Really? ( laughs )
491
00:21:19,319 --> 00:21:20,366
( laughs dryly )
492
00:21:20,390 --> 00:21:23,507
Well, I just can't
get over this.
493
00:21:23,531 --> 00:21:25,645
It, it... It's great.
It's just great.
494
00:21:25,669 --> 00:21:26,971
Yes, it's great.
495
00:21:29,177 --> 00:21:30,458
( sighs )
496
00:21:30,482 --> 00:21:32,430
Well, we're gonna have
a lot to talk about, huh?
497
00:21:32,454 --> 00:21:34,803
Gee. Unfortunately, I...
498
00:21:34,827 --> 00:21:36,407
I made an appointment
with the barber.
499
00:21:36,431 --> 00:21:38,445
And you know how they
are if you keep 'em waiting.
500
00:21:38,469 --> 00:21:39,983
( makes chopping
sound ) No sideburns.
501
00:21:40,007 --> 00:21:41,554
( laughs )
502
00:21:41,578 --> 00:21:43,960
But, uh, look, promise me that
we'll get together later, okay?
503
00:21:43,984 --> 00:21:44,984
Promise? Hm?
504
00:21:49,096 --> 00:21:50,544
( crumples up
paper ) Gee, this is...
505
00:21:50,568 --> 00:21:51,848
really a surprise.
506
00:21:51,872 --> 00:21:53,205
Fantastic!
507
00:21:57,084 --> 00:21:58,586
( exhales )
508
00:21:59,692 --> 00:22:02,441
He acted a little
strange, didn't he?
509
00:22:02,465 --> 00:22:04,669
Well, Perry's a strange guy.
510
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:08,957
It's not everybody that would
let his supposed best friend
511
00:22:08,981 --> 00:22:11,386
go to jail for a
crime he committed.
512
00:22:12,189 --> 00:22:13,191
Walt?
513
00:22:13,962 --> 00:22:15,942
Yes, Walt. Oh, no.
514
00:22:15,966 --> 00:22:18,615
Lila, I had three
years to think about it.
515
00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:21,524
I went over every
detail of that trial,
516
00:22:21,548 --> 00:22:22,828
night after night.
517
00:22:22,852 --> 00:22:24,332
I memorized the transcript.
518
00:22:24,356 --> 00:22:26,001
It always ended
up to just one name:
519
00:22:26,025 --> 00:22:28,641
good old Walt Perry.
520
00:22:28,666 --> 00:22:31,115
( "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"
instrumental playing over PA )
521
00:22:31,139 --> 00:22:32,151
Dan, you can't be sure.
522
00:22:32,175 --> 00:22:36,027
I wasn't... until now.
523
00:22:36,051 --> 00:22:37,331
I had to see him face to face.
524
00:22:37,355 --> 00:22:39,938
I had to see it in his eyes.
525
00:22:39,962 --> 00:22:41,532
Now I know.
526
00:22:43,405 --> 00:22:45,039
And he knows I know.
527
00:22:47,848 --> 00:22:49,095
How much is this one?
528
00:22:49,119 --> 00:22:50,700
Forty-eight dollars.
529
00:22:50,724 --> 00:22:52,537
Oh, way too expensive.
530
00:22:52,561 --> 00:22:53,976
Thanks anyway. Mm-hm.
531
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,569
Now, you're the kind of
woman I should've married.
532
00:22:58,476 --> 00:22:59,723
I beg your pardon?
533
00:22:59,747 --> 00:23:00,994
Well, my last wife
534
00:23:01,018 --> 00:23:02,564
never asked the
price of anything.
535
00:23:02,588 --> 00:23:04,903
Is that why you divorced her?
536
00:23:04,927 --> 00:23:07,464
It was either the divorce
courts or the bankruptcy courts.
537
00:23:08,737 --> 00:23:11,923
Oh. So she spent
you into divorce.
538
00:23:11,947 --> 00:23:13,325
Let me put it this way.
539
00:23:13,350 --> 00:23:15,095
If she didn't show up
at Tiffany's once a week,
540
00:23:15,119 --> 00:23:17,242
they'd send her a get-well card.
541
00:23:18,161 --> 00:23:20,800
Oh. Well, thanks for the tip.
542
00:23:21,872 --> 00:23:22,873
I mean, the warning.
543
00:23:24,044 --> 00:23:25,623
Miss, do you sell jewelry?
544
00:23:25,647 --> 00:23:27,193
What kind?
545
00:23:27,217 --> 00:23:28,921
Expensive.
546
00:23:32,532 --> 00:23:35,883
I just can't get over it,
Claire. You look fantastic.
547
00:23:35,907 --> 00:23:36,987
Well, I should.
548
00:23:37,011 --> 00:23:39,659
I just lost 160 pounds.
549
00:23:39,683 --> 00:23:41,331
I divorced George.
550
00:23:41,356 --> 00:23:43,905
WOMAN: You divorced George?
551
00:23:43,929 --> 00:23:44,940
Why?
552
00:23:44,964 --> 00:23:47,981
CLAIRE: Tsk. The things he did.
553
00:23:48,005 --> 00:23:49,318
I don't wanna talk about it.
554
00:23:49,342 --> 00:23:51,224
Oh, you can tell me.
555
00:23:51,248 --> 00:23:52,594
No, I can't.
556
00:23:52,618 --> 00:23:54,432
( thinking ): For
Pete's sake, tell her.
557
00:23:54,456 --> 00:23:55,935
All right, I'll tell you.
558
00:23:55,959 --> 00:23:57,041
Thanks.
559
00:23:58,499 --> 00:23:59,946
Every time we went out,
560
00:23:59,970 --> 00:24:01,316
he would embarrass me.
561
00:24:01,340 --> 00:24:02,453
He'd have a couple of drinks
562
00:24:02,477 --> 00:24:04,891
and he thought he
was the life of the party.
563
00:24:04,915 --> 00:24:07,632
It was like being married
to The Gong Show.
564
00:24:07,656 --> 00:24:09,169
Did George drink too much?
565
00:24:09,193 --> 00:24:11,443
CLAIRE: Judge for yourself.
566
00:24:11,467 --> 00:24:12,980
At my uncle's funeral,
567
00:24:13,004 --> 00:24:15,519
he wore a black lampshade.
568
00:24:15,543 --> 00:24:16,689
( elevator dings )
569
00:24:16,713 --> 00:24:19,663
Honey, don't ever
marry a man who drinks.
570
00:24:19,687 --> 00:24:21,836
( playful theme playing )
571
00:24:21,861 --> 00:24:24,610
Say, pal, could you tell me
the way to the nearest bar?
572
00:24:24,634 --> 00:24:25,868
Thanks.
573
00:24:27,808 --> 00:24:29,121
Oh, no, Doc, up a little higher.
574
00:24:29,145 --> 00:24:30,793
Oh, higher? Little higher, yeah.
575
00:24:30,817 --> 00:24:32,129
Okay? Now... No, to the right.
576
00:24:32,153 --> 00:24:33,132
Right? The right, doc.
577
00:24:33,156 --> 00:24:34,135
How's that? Okay?
578
00:24:34,159 --> 00:24:35,872
Uh, no. No, more to the right.
579
00:24:35,896 --> 00:24:37,709
Down two needles. To the left.
580
00:24:37,733 --> 00:24:39,649
No.
581
00:24:39,673 --> 00:24:41,789
No, no, more to the left, Doc.
582
00:24:41,813 --> 00:24:43,928
I don't know.
Something's off-center.
583
00:24:43,952 --> 00:24:45,397
You're off-center.
584
00:24:45,421 --> 00:24:46,534
I know what it is.
585
00:24:46,558 --> 00:24:48,605
We forgot to hang
an angel on the tree.
586
00:24:48,629 --> 00:24:49,932
How about a purser?
587
00:24:51,237 --> 00:24:53,586
Man does not appreciate art.
588
00:24:53,610 --> 00:24:56,460
Uh... Father, you
know a lot of jokes.
589
00:24:56,484 --> 00:24:58,698
Well, I... I don't think Vegas
is ready for me, Merrill.
590
00:24:58,722 --> 00:25:00,169
No, no, no, no. We...
591
00:25:00,193 --> 00:25:01,574
You know that my crew is always
592
00:25:01,598 --> 00:25:03,144
telling jokes, and I thought
593
00:25:03,168 --> 00:25:06,306
that, uh, if there was a joke
that I could come up with, uh...
594
00:25:07,044 --> 00:25:09,225
Oh, I... I get it.
595
00:25:09,249 --> 00:25:11,231
Well, let's see. Um...
596
00:25:11,255 --> 00:25:14,339
Oh, well, the bishop told
me a couple a great ones.
597
00:25:14,363 --> 00:25:17,035
Uh, but I don't think
your crew speaks Latin.
598
00:25:18,774 --> 00:25:20,254
How about this?
599
00:25:20,278 --> 00:25:22,861
This Martian comes
down from space,
600
00:25:22,885 --> 00:25:24,398
and he lands right in
601
00:25:24,423 --> 00:25:27,706
the middle of the desert,
next to this beat-up old saloon.
602
00:25:27,730 --> 00:25:28,842
Heh.
603
00:25:28,866 --> 00:25:31,953
Well, he goes in, and
the first thing he sees
604
00:25:31,977 --> 00:25:33,255
is the pinball machine.
605
00:25:33,279 --> 00:25:35,325
Well, the lights are flashing
606
00:25:35,349 --> 00:25:37,799
and the bells are
ringing like crazy.
607
00:25:37,823 --> 00:25:41,644
So the Martian goes
over to it, and he says,
608
00:25:41,668 --> 00:25:44,684
"Hey, sweetheart,
what's a pretty girl like you
609
00:25:44,708 --> 00:25:46,221
doing in a place like this?"
610
00:25:46,245 --> 00:25:48,215
( laughs )
611
00:25:49,855 --> 00:25:51,190
( laughs uncomfortably )
612
00:25:52,294 --> 00:25:53,328
Funny.
613
00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:57,149
Yeah, well, it was
even funnier in Latin.
614
00:25:57,173 --> 00:25:58,687
All right.
615
00:25:58,711 --> 00:26:00,459
I'll try it.
616
00:26:00,483 --> 00:26:01,630
Okay, guys.
617
00:26:01,654 --> 00:26:03,601
Time to get down to some
serious business here.
618
00:26:03,625 --> 00:26:05,303
Who's gonna be
Santa Claus tonight?
619
00:26:05,327 --> 00:26:07,408
Oh, well, I don't think
there's anything to decide.
620
00:26:07,432 --> 00:26:08,713
It is my turn.
621
00:26:08,737 --> 00:26:09,716
You?
622
00:26:09,740 --> 00:26:11,889
A woman can't be Santa Claus.
623
00:26:11,913 --> 00:26:12,991
Well, why not?
624
00:26:13,016 --> 00:26:14,296
I thought this was
supposed to be
625
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:15,931
an equal-opportunity holiday.
626
00:26:15,955 --> 00:26:18,037
Okay. Lay a "ho-ho-ho" on us.
627
00:26:18,061 --> 00:26:20,845
Okay. ( clears throat )
628
00:26:20,869 --> 00:26:22,416
( high-pitched ): Ho-ho-ho!
629
00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:23,853
Heh-heh.
630
00:26:23,877 --> 00:26:27,695
No. The world's not ready
for a soprano Santa Claus.
631
00:26:27,719 --> 00:26:29,166
Well, it's, uh,
632
00:26:29,190 --> 00:26:30,937
coming along very well, guys.
633
00:26:30,961 --> 00:26:32,007
( chuckles )
634
00:26:32,030 --> 00:26:34,814
Which reminds me
of this great joke.
635
00:26:34,838 --> 00:26:35,983
Uh... it's Christmastime
636
00:26:36,007 --> 00:26:37,453
one year, and, uh, this Martian
637
00:26:37,478 --> 00:26:40,830
lands in the desert, and
he goes up to this old bar.
638
00:26:40,854 --> 00:26:42,968
It's, uh... It's really,
uh, beat-up, you know?
639
00:26:42,992 --> 00:26:45,006
And, uh, the first thing he sees
640
00:26:45,030 --> 00:26:46,311
is a pinball machine,
641
00:26:46,335 --> 00:26:48,884
and he goes over and...
Well, the lights were flashing,
642
00:26:48,908 --> 00:26:50,556
the bells were going
and everything. And...
643
00:26:50,580 --> 00:26:54,364
Well, he says to it... He
says, uh... Now get this.
644
00:26:54,388 --> 00:26:58,776
( chuckling ): He says, "Hi, sweetheart,
what's a pinball machine doing
645
00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:00,682
in a nice place like this?"
646
00:27:00,706 --> 00:27:02,118
( claps hands, chuckles )
647
00:27:02,142 --> 00:27:04,547
( "O Christmas Tree"
instrumental playing over PA )
648
00:27:08,726 --> 00:27:09,872
( clears throat awkwardly )
649
00:27:09,896 --> 00:27:12,635
Well... it was even
funnier in Latin. Ha.
650
00:27:14,142 --> 00:27:16,122
Okay, let's get back to reality.
651
00:27:16,146 --> 00:27:17,592
Who's gonna play Santa Claus?
652
00:27:17,616 --> 00:27:18,628
GOPHER: Me.
653
00:27:18,652 --> 00:27:20,501
I'm the perfect Santa.
654
00:27:20,525 --> 00:27:23,976
I own the Santa suit,
so, uh... I'm Santa.
655
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:25,134
( giggles )
656
00:27:26,907 --> 00:27:27,974
Good luck, sir.
657
00:27:30,985 --> 00:27:32,598
Well, uh... ( clears throat )
658
00:27:32,622 --> 00:27:34,170
how am I doing?
659
00:27:34,194 --> 00:27:35,505
Merrill...
660
00:27:35,529 --> 00:27:38,613
uh, there are
ways of joining in...
661
00:27:38,637 --> 00:27:40,887
( sighs ) and
ways of joining in.
662
00:27:40,911 --> 00:27:42,290
( playful theme playing )
663
00:27:42,314 --> 00:27:44,862
That bad, huh?
664
00:27:44,886 --> 00:27:46,222
Worse.
665
00:27:47,927 --> 00:27:49,049
( sighs )
666
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:57,551
( mellow theme playing )
667
00:27:59,156 --> 00:28:00,370
( clears throat )
668
00:28:00,394 --> 00:28:02,576
( "White Christmas"
instrumental playing over PA )
669
00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:04,002
( people chattering )
670
00:28:05,104 --> 00:28:06,351
No. Don't take it all.
671
00:28:06,375 --> 00:28:09,192
Yes. Okay, well,
merry Christmas, group.
672
00:28:09,217 --> 00:28:10,194
Merry Christmas.
673
00:28:10,219 --> 00:28:11,534
All right.
674
00:28:11,558 --> 00:28:12,691
Mm.
675
00:28:13,929 --> 00:28:15,976
Hoo-hoo, Isaac, what's in this?
676
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:17,247
Uh, fruit juice and rum.
677
00:28:17,271 --> 00:28:19,687
It's made from an
old secret recipe.
678
00:28:19,711 --> 00:28:21,023
What's the secret?
679
00:28:21,047 --> 00:28:22,962
Leave out the fruit juice.
680
00:28:22,986 --> 00:28:23,988
( all chuckle )
681
00:28:27,864 --> 00:28:29,946
( deep voice ):
I'll have a refill.
682
00:28:29,970 --> 00:28:32,508
Oh, uh... sure, Gopher.
683
00:28:43,707 --> 00:28:45,151
Fruit juice.
684
00:28:45,175 --> 00:28:47,245
Back to the drawing board.
685
00:28:52,429 --> 00:28:53,408
Dan?
686
00:28:53,432 --> 00:28:55,379
Hm?
687
00:28:55,403 --> 00:28:57,727
Honey, it's Christmas Eve.
688
00:28:58,110 --> 00:29:01,127
Just for tonight, let's
forget about Walter Perry,
689
00:29:01,151 --> 00:29:03,636
and, heh, the world
and everything.
690
00:29:04,594 --> 00:29:07,611
Let's make this the
best Christmas Eve ever.
691
00:29:07,635 --> 00:29:09,136
All right?
692
00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:13,427
( romantic theme playing )
693
00:29:13,451 --> 00:29:14,452
( sighs )
694
00:29:16,991 --> 00:29:19,128
Sure beats electric trains.
695
00:29:22,173 --> 00:29:23,218
Hey.
696
00:29:23,242 --> 00:29:25,512
Do you want to
exchange gifts now?
697
00:29:26,685 --> 00:29:28,432
If we do, we'll never
make that party.
698
00:29:28,456 --> 00:29:30,701
( chuckles ): Oh. Hm. Come on.
699
00:29:32,132 --> 00:29:33,165
Okay. Let's go.
700
00:29:35,071 --> 00:29:37,219
Oh. I can get you a
handkerchief for your face.
701
00:29:37,243 --> 00:29:38,424
Oh, wait, I'll get it.
702
00:29:38,448 --> 00:29:39,961
Oh, it's all right.
703
00:29:39,985 --> 00:29:42,022
( tense theme playing )
704
00:29:43,462 --> 00:29:45,229
Dan...
705
00:29:47,839 --> 00:29:50,556
Oh, my God. No.
706
00:29:50,581 --> 00:29:53,095
Dan.
707
00:29:53,119 --> 00:29:56,125
You knew Walter Perry was
gonna be on board, didn't you?
708
00:29:58,132 --> 00:30:00,638
You came here for revenge.
709
00:30:04,449 --> 00:30:08,367
Tsk. Now look, Lila... ( sighs )
710
00:30:08,392 --> 00:30:10,608
this is my business.
711
00:30:10,632 --> 00:30:12,413
Your business?
712
00:30:12,437 --> 00:30:14,619
What about me?
713
00:30:14,643 --> 00:30:16,489
You weren't the only
one in jail for three years.
714
00:30:16,513 --> 00:30:18,550
I was in a prison of my own.
715
00:30:20,223 --> 00:30:22,862
What do you think my
life was like without you?
716
00:30:24,268 --> 00:30:25,268
Dan...
717
00:30:26,540 --> 00:30:28,910
if you love me, don't do this.
718
00:30:30,249 --> 00:30:32,097
You know I love you.
719
00:30:32,121 --> 00:30:34,659
If you kill him, you kill us.
720
00:30:36,499 --> 00:30:38,234
Please, Dan.
721
00:30:41,145 --> 00:30:43,684
( dramatic theme playing )
722
00:30:51,539 --> 00:30:52,673
( puts gun down )
723
00:31:02,266 --> 00:31:03,680
( light jazz playing )
724
00:31:03,704 --> 00:31:07,689
Isaac... remove
this dead soldier
725
00:31:07,713 --> 00:31:08,981
and open me a new recruit.
726
00:31:10,086 --> 00:31:11,701
Sure.
727
00:31:11,725 --> 00:31:13,404
Uh, Mr. Baynes,
728
00:31:13,428 --> 00:31:15,041
I thought you said
you were a teetotaler.
729
00:31:15,065 --> 00:31:16,067
Me?
730
00:31:17,170 --> 00:31:19,334
I must have been
drunk when I said it.
731
00:31:20,279 --> 00:31:23,329
Isaac... what color lampshade
732
00:31:23,353 --> 00:31:25,033
goes with this
outfit I'm wearing?
733
00:31:25,057 --> 00:31:27,100
I don't know. What
color are your socks?
734
00:31:37,221 --> 00:31:39,237
Audrey, is... Is that you?
735
00:31:39,261 --> 00:31:40,575
Never mind me.
736
00:31:40,599 --> 00:31:42,781
Since when did
you start drinking?
737
00:31:42,805 --> 00:31:44,118
I can't remember.
738
00:31:44,142 --> 00:31:45,576
I'm drinking to forget.
739
00:31:46,682 --> 00:31:47,659
How much have you had?
740
00:31:47,683 --> 00:31:48,685
Plenty!
741
00:31:52,798 --> 00:31:54,578
Say, what's all this gonna cost?
742
00:31:54,602 --> 00:31:55,836
Plenty.
743
00:31:58,680 --> 00:32:00,582
Boy, I hope I'm seeing double.
744
00:32:02,690 --> 00:32:04,804
You're going to be seeing
triple when we get to the room,
745
00:32:04,827 --> 00:32:06,910
because I have a whole
lot of new stuff down there.
746
00:32:06,933 --> 00:32:08,803
Do you expect
me to pay for this?
747
00:32:10,042 --> 00:32:11,310
You got it, ace.
748
00:32:13,150 --> 00:32:15,464
Uh... dear... ( closes purse )
749
00:32:15,488 --> 00:32:19,308
isn't there something
you forgot to ask me for?
750
00:32:19,332 --> 00:32:21,336
It starts with a D.
751
00:32:24,813 --> 00:32:26,281
Yeah, you wanna dance?
752
00:32:36,009 --> 00:32:37,010
( claps hands )
753
00:32:45,165 --> 00:32:47,012
Something you wanna ask me?
754
00:32:47,036 --> 00:32:48,016
Yes.
755
00:32:48,040 --> 00:32:49,777
Get off my foot.
756
00:32:58,533 --> 00:33:00,415
More punch?
757
00:33:00,439 --> 00:33:02,153
Yeah. But this time, uh,
758
00:33:02,177 --> 00:33:04,760
tell him to put a
little fruit juice in it.
759
00:33:04,784 --> 00:33:06,185
Okay.
760
00:33:07,891 --> 00:33:09,907
You're complaining to me
about a bad bridge partner?
761
00:33:09,931 --> 00:33:10,910
Mm-hm.
762
00:33:10,934 --> 00:33:12,346
( laughs ) You're lucky.
763
00:33:12,370 --> 00:33:14,484
You know, I once
had a law partner.
764
00:33:14,508 --> 00:33:16,825
He stole every
penny the firm had.
765
00:33:16,849 --> 00:33:18,661
Of course, he went to prison.
766
00:33:18,685 --> 00:33:20,567
Oh. Well, at least
he had to pay for it.
767
00:33:20,591 --> 00:33:21,938
Heh. Yeah. He paid.
768
00:33:21,962 --> 00:33:22,964
Hm.
769
00:33:30,953 --> 00:33:32,498
So where's Santa?
770
00:33:32,522 --> 00:33:33,837
He's supposed to be here by now.
771
00:33:33,861 --> 00:33:35,874
Well, maybe his reindeer
are having a little trouble
772
00:33:35,898 --> 00:33:37,009
with their radar equipment.
773
00:33:37,033 --> 00:33:38,904
And that Blitzen is
a lousy navigator.
774
00:33:50,636 --> 00:33:53,777
STUBING: Ho-ho-ho!
775
00:33:55,280 --> 00:33:56,984
No-no-no.
776
00:33:59,558 --> 00:34:03,345
Ho-ho-ho!
777
00:34:03,369 --> 00:34:07,454
Merry Christmas, everybody!
778
00:34:07,478 --> 00:34:08,457
Santa.
779
00:34:08,481 --> 00:34:11,299
Ho-ho-ho! ( cattering )
780
00:34:11,323 --> 00:34:13,305
BRICKER: I've never
seen the captain look better.
781
00:34:13,329 --> 00:34:16,478
Ho-ho-ho! Who
writes his dialogue?
782
00:34:16,502 --> 00:34:18,383
Well, now, let's see
783
00:34:18,407 --> 00:34:20,847
what Santa has
in his bag tonight.
784
00:34:22,018 --> 00:34:23,933
Uh. Let's see. Well, yes.
785
00:34:23,957 --> 00:34:25,804
There's something for Mario.
786
00:34:25,828 --> 00:34:27,262
( laughs ) Thanks.
787
00:34:28,633 --> 00:34:33,859
Uh... something
for... Artie. Yes.
788
00:34:33,883 --> 00:34:37,299
Uh... Let's see.
789
00:34:37,323 --> 00:34:38,905
And... And Ben.
790
00:34:38,929 --> 00:34:40,297
( chuckles )
791
00:34:42,003 --> 00:34:44,618
Let's see what we have here.
792
00:34:44,642 --> 00:34:46,924
Oh, yes. For Mitch.
793
00:34:46,948 --> 00:34:47,927
Yeah.
794
00:34:47,951 --> 00:34:51,059
And... for Peanut.
795
00:34:52,163 --> 00:34:53,676
What's your real name, Peanut?
796
00:34:53,700 --> 00:34:54,811
Shorty.
797
00:34:54,835 --> 00:34:57,084
Right! I'll bet it's
a baseball mitt.
798
00:34:57,108 --> 00:34:58,476
( chuckles )
799
00:35:00,217 --> 00:35:01,820
Well... What about me?
800
00:35:02,589 --> 00:35:04,270
Oh. Uh.
801
00:35:04,294 --> 00:35:05,706
Eh, uh, you're, uh...?
802
00:35:05,730 --> 00:35:06,776
Tony.
803
00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:08,513
Tony. That's right.
804
00:35:08,537 --> 00:35:13,695
Yes. Well, now... let's
see... Tony, what...
805
00:35:13,719 --> 00:35:15,620
Oh. Uh...
806
00:35:16,725 --> 00:35:22,551
Let's, uh... Oh, uh...
Oh, Tony, it, uh...
807
00:35:22,575 --> 00:35:25,390
seems that Santa is, uh...
808
00:35:25,414 --> 00:35:27,028
short one present.
809
00:35:27,052 --> 00:35:28,733
Uh... Uh...
810
00:35:28,757 --> 00:35:31,174
It's back at the North Pole.
That's where your present is.
811
00:35:31,198 --> 00:35:33,379
Now, look, I'll
run back, I'll get it,
812
00:35:33,403 --> 00:35:35,785
and, uh, I'll have
it in your cabin
813
00:35:35,809 --> 00:35:37,577
first thing in the morning.
814
00:35:40,121 --> 00:35:41,555
Tony...
815
00:35:43,730 --> 00:35:45,799
( slow, dramatic theme playing )
816
00:35:47,840 --> 00:35:51,314
Oh, no. Poor Captain Stubing.
817
00:36:06,955 --> 00:36:09,829
( mellow theme playing )
818
00:36:15,544 --> 00:36:18,050
San Quentin never had
a view like that, Walt.
819
00:36:21,027 --> 00:36:22,907
Dan, my boy.
820
00:36:22,931 --> 00:36:24,511
Well, I've been
looking all over for you.
821
00:36:24,535 --> 00:36:26,705
Really? Out in the ocean?
822
00:36:28,178 --> 00:36:30,594
Ha. Hey, you always
were a great kidder.
823
00:36:30,618 --> 00:36:31,660
Heh-heh.
824
00:36:34,394 --> 00:36:37,043
I'm not kidding now, Walt.
825
00:36:37,067 --> 00:36:39,517
Hey, wait a minute.
826
00:36:39,541 --> 00:36:41,089
( tense theme playing )
827
00:36:41,113 --> 00:36:43,561
Hey, don't do anything foolish.
828
00:36:43,585 --> 00:36:46,768
I've already done
something foolish.
829
00:36:46,792 --> 00:36:48,806
I served three years in prison
830
00:36:48,831 --> 00:36:50,201
for something you did, buddy.
831
00:36:51,839 --> 00:36:53,086
PERRY: I don't want...
832
00:36:53,110 --> 00:36:54,756
Dan, you've got...
You've gotta believe me.
833
00:36:54,779 --> 00:36:56,427
I-I didn't want it to happen.
834
00:36:56,451 --> 00:36:57,931
It wasn't my fault.
835
00:36:57,955 --> 00:36:58,934
( stammers )
836
00:36:58,958 --> 00:37:01,308
I-I took the money, I admit it.
837
00:37:01,332 --> 00:37:03,513
I was in trouble in the
market. It was serious trouble.
838
00:37:03,537 --> 00:37:06,020
And I really needed
that money desperately.
839
00:37:06,444 --> 00:37:07,957
So you set me up.
840
00:37:07,981 --> 00:37:10,164
No, I swear, I didn't.
841
00:37:10,188 --> 00:37:12,703
Oh, look, Dan, I-I never
thought that you'd be convicted.
842
00:37:12,727 --> 00:37:14,775
I-I always thought I
could win you an acquittal,
843
00:37:14,798 --> 00:37:16,201
and that way no
one would be hurt.
844
00:37:18,241 --> 00:37:20,485
Somebody was hurt,
Walt. ( whimpering )
845
00:37:21,217 --> 00:37:23,922
Dan... please...
846
00:37:27,464 --> 00:37:29,213
Please...
847
00:37:29,237 --> 00:37:33,524
( people, in distance
): ♪ All is calm ♪
848
00:37:33,548 --> 00:37:37,868
♪ All is bright ♪
849
00:37:37,892 --> 00:37:44,152
♪ Round yon Virgin Mother ♪
850
00:37:44,176 --> 00:37:46,624
♪ And child ♪
851
00:37:46,648 --> 00:37:51,036
♪ Holy Infant ♪
852
00:37:51,060 --> 00:37:56,450
♪ So tender and mild ♪
853
00:37:56,474 --> 00:37:58,889
♪ Sleep in heavenly... ♪
854
00:37:58,913 --> 00:38:00,716
Merry Christmas.
855
00:38:02,557 --> 00:38:03,535
Dan.
856
00:38:03,559 --> 00:38:05,606
( sighs )
857
00:38:05,630 --> 00:38:11,478
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪
858
00:38:12,615 --> 00:38:14,463
( chuckles ) Good
night, everybody.
859
00:38:14,487 --> 00:38:15,499
Merry Christmas.
860
00:38:15,523 --> 00:38:17,036
( crowd chattering )
861
00:38:17,060 --> 00:38:18,543
PEANUT: Good night, Isaac.
862
00:38:19,634 --> 00:38:20,747
Bye.
863
00:38:20,771 --> 00:38:21,883
Merry Christmas.
864
00:38:21,907 --> 00:38:23,387
Father, did you find Tony yet?
865
00:38:23,411 --> 00:38:24,522
Not yet.
866
00:38:24,546 --> 00:38:25,993
Oh. Well, we'll help
you look for him.
867
00:38:26,017 --> 00:38:27,940
Okay? Yeah. Thanks.
868
00:38:35,208 --> 00:38:38,190
( mellow theme playing )
869
00:38:38,215 --> 00:38:39,217
Tony?
870
00:38:45,534 --> 00:38:46,868
Where are you?
871
00:38:52,988 --> 00:38:54,270
( click )
872
00:39:02,948 --> 00:39:04,159
Tony?
873
00:39:04,183 --> 00:39:06,420
Go away. You blew it.
874
00:39:07,257 --> 00:39:09,729
Yes. Yes, I did.
875
00:39:10,935 --> 00:39:13,952
I apologize.
876
00:39:13,976 --> 00:39:15,208
Come here.
877
00:39:19,221 --> 00:39:21,572
This is for you.
878
00:39:21,596 --> 00:39:22,574
Honest?
879
00:39:22,598 --> 00:39:24,568
Mm-hm. Gee, thanks.
880
00:39:26,474 --> 00:39:28,443
It's the football I
asked for, isn't it?
881
00:39:29,349 --> 00:39:30,996
Uh, no.
882
00:39:31,020 --> 00:39:33,570
No, I'm sorry. It's not. Uh...
883
00:39:33,594 --> 00:39:35,540
It's a sextant.
884
00:39:35,564 --> 00:39:38,113
It's, uh, an
instrument they used
885
00:39:38,137 --> 00:39:39,752
to navigate the ship.
886
00:39:39,776 --> 00:39:41,088
Oh.
887
00:39:41,112 --> 00:39:43,060
It belonged to the captain...
888
00:39:43,084 --> 00:39:44,919
and his father before him.
889
00:39:46,459 --> 00:39:47,871
See?
890
00:39:47,895 --> 00:39:49,732
You put that in there.
891
00:39:51,940 --> 00:39:55,191
By holding it up to the stars...
892
00:39:55,215 --> 00:39:56,629
they could always...
893
00:39:56,653 --> 00:39:59,057
tell where they were going.
894
00:40:00,630 --> 00:40:03,202
The captain used it in
the Second World War.
895
00:40:05,308 --> 00:40:06,354
I know it's kind of beat-up,
896
00:40:06,378 --> 00:40:10,454
but... this sextant
means a lot to him.
897
00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:13,829
He wants you to have it.
898
00:40:16,937 --> 00:40:19,309
I'm sorry it's not
what you asked for.
899
00:40:20,482 --> 00:40:21,794
( sighs )
900
00:40:21,818 --> 00:40:24,767
Sometimes we don't get
what we want for Christmas.
901
00:40:24,791 --> 00:40:26,339
I know.
902
00:40:26,363 --> 00:40:28,967
I used to ask for parents,
but I never got 'em.
903
00:40:31,109 --> 00:40:32,956
Well, that's a...
904
00:40:32,981 --> 00:40:36,064
big order for Santa to fill.
905
00:40:36,088 --> 00:40:39,507
It don't matter. I
don't need a family.
906
00:40:39,531 --> 00:40:42,570
I got a real big one with
Father Mike and the guys.
907
00:40:46,983 --> 00:40:48,418
Yeah.
908
00:40:49,791 --> 00:40:50,770
It's neat.
909
00:40:50,794 --> 00:40:52,128
Wait till I show the guys.
910
00:40:55,237 --> 00:40:56,249
Thanks, captain.
911
00:40:56,273 --> 00:40:57,508
I mean, Santa.
912
00:41:13,820 --> 00:41:14,797
We're home.
913
00:41:14,821 --> 00:41:17,225
You can take off
your lampshade now.
914
00:41:18,197 --> 00:41:19,744
Is that all you bought?
915
00:41:19,768 --> 00:41:21,182
Why didn't you fill
the whole room?
916
00:41:21,206 --> 00:41:22,852
I couldn't. Your
credit card broke.
917
00:41:22,876 --> 00:41:24,323
Ha.
918
00:41:24,347 --> 00:41:27,330
That means I'll have to pay
cash now for my lampshades.
919
00:41:27,354 --> 00:41:28,968
( mocking laugh )
This is just the start.
920
00:41:28,993 --> 00:41:31,375
Because I'm gonna buy all
new furniture for the living room.
921
00:41:31,399 --> 00:41:33,781
Then I'll buy matching
whoopee cushions.
922
00:41:33,805 --> 00:41:35,819
And a brand new Rolls Royce.
923
00:41:35,843 --> 00:41:37,255
Okay, then every morning
924
00:41:37,279 --> 00:41:39,362
I'll go down to the
office in a clown suit.
925
00:41:39,386 --> 00:41:40,632
( laughs )
926
00:41:40,656 --> 00:41:42,470
( laughs )
927
00:41:42,494 --> 00:41:43,540
You know something?
928
00:41:43,564 --> 00:41:44,543
No, what?
929
00:41:44,567 --> 00:41:46,080
You're funny.
930
00:41:46,104 --> 00:41:47,783
You know something?
931
00:41:47,807 --> 00:41:49,989
You're very beautiful.
932
00:41:50,014 --> 00:41:52,228
Aw. Put on your lampshade
933
00:41:52,252 --> 00:41:53,522
and give me a kiss.
934
00:41:55,193 --> 00:41:56,994
( mellow theme playing )
935
00:42:00,608 --> 00:42:01,909
( sighs )
936
00:42:09,965 --> 00:42:11,167
( sighs )
937
00:42:16,315 --> 00:42:18,664
ALL: Merry Christmas, captain!
938
00:42:18,688 --> 00:42:20,536
( all laughing )
939
00:42:20,561 --> 00:42:23,043
What? What is this?
940
00:42:23,067 --> 00:42:25,547
Well, frankly, captain,
we were feeling
941
00:42:25,572 --> 00:42:26,951
kind of sorry for ourselves.
942
00:42:26,975 --> 00:42:29,091
JULIE: Oh, you know, sir.
943
00:42:29,115 --> 00:42:31,297
I mean, it's fun to spend
Christmas with the passengers,
944
00:42:31,321 --> 00:42:32,634
but...
945
00:42:32,658 --> 00:42:35,975
it's not the same as
spending it with your family.
946
00:42:35,999 --> 00:42:38,114
BRICKER: And then
we got to thinking,
947
00:42:38,138 --> 00:42:41,323
well, we don't just
have one family...
948
00:42:41,347 --> 00:42:42,793
we've got two.
949
00:42:42,817 --> 00:42:44,397
GOPHER: And...
950
00:42:44,421 --> 00:42:46,836
well, you're not just
the captain to us, sir.
951
00:42:46,860 --> 00:42:49,210
You're the head of the family.
952
00:42:49,234 --> 00:42:50,680
Our family.
953
00:42:50,704 --> 00:42:52,584
And why shouldn't our family
954
00:42:52,608 --> 00:42:55,058
spend Christmas together?
955
00:42:55,082 --> 00:42:57,686
( sweet theme playing )
956
00:42:59,259 --> 00:43:01,040
You see, uh...
957
00:43:01,065 --> 00:43:04,983
sometimes we try
too hard to, uh...
958
00:43:05,007 --> 00:43:07,611
get what we've had all along.
959
00:43:13,699 --> 00:43:14,732
( sneezes )
960
00:43:17,239 --> 00:43:18,418
Oh, you...
961
00:43:18,442 --> 00:43:20,981
Think that I'm
allergic to this beard.
962
00:43:26,096 --> 00:43:28,259
I want to say
something to all of you.
963
00:43:30,174 --> 00:43:33,574
I'm proud... to have
you on my crew.
964
00:43:35,654 --> 00:43:37,935
I'm even prouder...
965
00:43:37,959 --> 00:43:40,599
to count you among my friends.
966
00:43:42,505 --> 00:43:44,253
Oh, this darn beard.
967
00:43:44,277 --> 00:43:46,959
Sir. It's for you.
968
00:43:46,983 --> 00:43:49,548
It's from all of us.
969
00:43:50,327 --> 00:43:52,675
Well, I, uh... I-I
thought we had a rule
970
00:43:52,699 --> 00:43:54,913
that we'd never exchange
Christmas presents.
971
00:43:54,937 --> 00:43:57,018
Well, sir, we
thought just this once.
972
00:43:57,042 --> 00:43:59,246
A rule is a rule, Mr. Smith.
973
00:44:01,689 --> 00:44:05,809
But sometimes...
rules were made...
974
00:44:05,833 --> 00:44:07,178
to be broken.
975
00:44:07,202 --> 00:44:08,838
( all laugh )
976
00:44:10,746 --> 00:44:12,392
Merry Christmas!
977
00:44:12,416 --> 00:44:13,931
Why, thank you, sir.
978
00:44:13,954 --> 00:44:14,932
Merry Christmas.
979
00:44:14,956 --> 00:44:16,999
Thank you, sir.
980
00:44:18,064 --> 00:44:20,635
( tender theme playing )
981
00:44:24,046 --> 00:44:29,771
AUDREY: ♪ The first
"Noel" The angels did say ♪
982
00:44:29,795 --> 00:44:35,953
♪ Was to certain poor
shepherds In fields as they lay ♪
983
00:44:35,977 --> 00:44:42,437
♪ In fields as they Lay
keeping their sheep ♪
984
00:44:42,461 --> 00:44:48,152
♪ On a cold winter's
night That was so deep ♪
985
00:44:48,176 --> 00:44:49,154
Come on, everybody.
986
00:44:49,178 --> 00:44:53,200
ALL: ♪ Noel, Noel ♪
987
00:44:53,224 --> 00:44:57,342
♪ Noel, Noel ♪
988
00:44:57,366 --> 00:45:05,229
♪ Born is the King of Israel ♪
989
00:45:05,253 --> 00:45:07,969
( applause, chatter )
990
00:45:07,993 --> 00:45:09,173
Very beautiful, Mrs. Baynes.
991
00:45:09,197 --> 00:45:11,213
Thank you very much.
992
00:45:11,237 --> 00:45:12,615
Oh, boy.
993
00:45:12,639 --> 00:45:14,687
I can taste that turkey already.
994
00:45:14,711 --> 00:45:16,626
BRICKER: Didn't you tell him?
995
00:45:16,650 --> 00:45:17,995
Oh, the captain
said there might be
996
00:45:18,019 --> 00:45:19,032
some rain, and he wondered
997
00:45:19,056 --> 00:45:20,303
if you'd mind going topside
998
00:45:20,327 --> 00:45:21,606
and changing the regular flags
999
00:45:21,630 --> 00:45:23,110
for the rubber flags.
1000
00:45:23,135 --> 00:45:24,812
( light music playing over PA )
1001
00:45:24,836 --> 00:45:25,838
Oh.
1002
00:45:27,544 --> 00:45:29,013
Rubber flags?
1003
00:45:30,084 --> 00:45:31,967
( all laughing ) Ah. Look here.
1004
00:45:34,963 --> 00:45:36,410
Good evening.
1005
00:45:36,434 --> 00:45:38,783
( "O Little Town of Bethlehem"
instrumental playing over PA )
1006
00:45:38,807 --> 00:45:41,293
There's the captain's
table over there.
1007
00:45:42,651 --> 00:45:43,653
Dan.
1008
00:45:45,122 --> 00:45:46,102
Get lost, Perry.
1009
00:45:46,126 --> 00:45:47,271
I've gotta talk to you.
1010
00:45:47,295 --> 00:45:49,912
Honey... It's all
right, sweetheart.
1011
00:45:49,936 --> 00:45:52,152
Now, look, you've done
everything you can do.
1012
00:45:52,176 --> 00:45:54,023
Now just stay away from me.
1013
00:45:54,047 --> 00:45:55,893
Keep out of my life.
1014
00:45:55,918 --> 00:45:57,231
Dan, listen.
1015
00:45:57,255 --> 00:45:59,379
You gave me a gift
last night: my life.
1016
00:46:00,062 --> 00:46:02,145
Now I wanna give you
something in return.
1017
00:46:04,408 --> 00:46:06,120
I, uh...
1018
00:46:06,144 --> 00:46:09,128
I contacted the
police in Los Angeles.
1019
00:46:09,152 --> 00:46:11,936
When we get back, I'm
gonna turn myself in...
1020
00:46:11,960 --> 00:46:14,176
make a full confession.
1021
00:46:14,200 --> 00:46:15,878
And, uh...
1022
00:46:15,902 --> 00:46:18,675
I also wrote to the
State Bar Commission.
1023
00:46:19,947 --> 00:46:21,928
You'll be practicing
law again very soon.
1024
00:46:21,953 --> 00:46:23,035
( sighs )
1025
00:46:25,996 --> 00:46:28,333
Walt, thank you.
1026
00:46:30,208 --> 00:46:31,410
Merry Christmas, Dan.
1027
00:46:35,554 --> 00:46:36,556
Merry Christmas.
1028
00:46:40,033 --> 00:46:41,012
( captain laughing ) Oh.
1029
00:46:41,036 --> 00:46:42,850
( people chattering )
1030
00:46:42,874 --> 00:46:44,053
Good evening.
1031
00:46:44,077 --> 00:46:45,956
Good evening. Merry
Christmas. Good evening.
1032
00:46:45,980 --> 00:46:47,294
Hi. Good evening.
1033
00:46:47,318 --> 00:46:48,331
Beautiful dress.
1034
00:46:48,355 --> 00:46:49,656
Thank you.
1035
00:46:52,766 --> 00:46:54,249
It's a beautiful table.
1036
00:46:55,406 --> 00:46:56,739
It's a beautiful life.
1037
00:46:58,079 --> 00:46:59,593
Father Lewicki, some of the guys
1038
00:46:59,617 --> 00:47:00,596
collected some stuff
1039
00:47:00,620 --> 00:47:02,233
you might like at the orphanage.
1040
00:47:02,257 --> 00:47:03,604
Uh, sports equipment,
1041
00:47:03,628 --> 00:47:05,040
uh, books, stuff like that.
1042
00:47:05,064 --> 00:47:06,244
All right! All right.
1043
00:47:06,268 --> 00:47:07,246
Wow.
1044
00:47:07,270 --> 00:47:09,184
Oh, we'd love it. Thanks.
1045
00:47:09,209 --> 00:47:10,522
Well, where do
we send it, Father?
1046
00:47:10,546 --> 00:47:12,092
Give it to the captain.
1047
00:47:12,116 --> 00:47:14,360
He can bring it when
he comes next time.
1048
00:47:15,022 --> 00:47:16,035
Captain Stubing?
1049
00:47:16,059 --> 00:47:17,739
Yes. He comes every month.
1050
00:47:17,763 --> 00:47:20,481
No. No, he... He-he
must have me confused
1051
00:47:20,505 --> 00:47:22,085
with some other captain.
1052
00:47:22,109 --> 00:47:23,455
You're crazy.
1053
00:47:23,479 --> 00:47:25,841
You took us to the
ball game last month.
1054
00:47:27,389 --> 00:47:29,471
Uh, captain, you wouldn't
have anything to do
1055
00:47:29,495 --> 00:47:32,110
with that mysterious man
who's been sending these kids
1056
00:47:32,134 --> 00:47:33,457
on a cruise every
year, would you?
1057
00:47:34,675 --> 00:47:37,078
You know, the one with
"more dollars than sense"?
1058
00:47:38,918 --> 00:47:41,603
Tsk. Bah, humbug!
1059
00:47:41,627 --> 00:47:44,074
Come on, let's eat
ourselves a turkey.
1060
00:47:44,099 --> 00:47:45,612
( laughs )
1061
00:47:45,636 --> 00:47:47,872
( "We Wish You a Merry
Christmas" playing )
1062
00:47:53,156 --> 00:47:55,693
( upbeat theme playing )
1063
00:47:59,639 --> 00:48:01,653
Hey. Thank you
for a wonderful trip.
1064
00:48:01,677 --> 00:48:03,158
Oh, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
1065
00:48:03,182 --> 00:48:04,861
I'll say one thing
for you, Mr. Barton.
1066
00:48:04,885 --> 00:48:07,569
You sure seem a lot happier
than when you came aboard.
1067
00:48:07,593 --> 00:48:09,005
You bet I am.
1068
00:48:09,029 --> 00:48:10,244
You know what today is?
1069
00:48:10,268 --> 00:48:11,548
Yes, sir. Monday.
1070
00:48:11,572 --> 00:48:13,017
Nope.
1071
00:48:13,041 --> 00:48:16,123
Today is the first
day... ( chuckles )
1072
00:48:16,148 --> 00:48:17,125
of the rest of my life.
1073
00:48:17,150 --> 00:48:18,128
Aw. Goodbye.
1074
00:48:18,153 --> 00:48:19,868
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
1075
00:48:19,892 --> 00:48:22,073
AUDREY: Oh,
darling, I'm so happy.
1076
00:48:22,097 --> 00:48:23,444
Me too.
1077
00:48:23,468 --> 00:48:24,946
I've got a confession to make.
1078
00:48:24,970 --> 00:48:26,785
When I came on this cruise, I...
1079
00:48:26,809 --> 00:48:28,524
I was hoping you'd
ask me for a divorce.
1080
00:48:28,548 --> 00:48:29,550
Really?
1081
00:48:30,654 --> 00:48:32,568
Well, I has hoping
the same thing.
1082
00:48:32,592 --> 00:48:34,272
You're kidding?
1083
00:48:34,296 --> 00:48:35,508
This cruise really changed us.
1084
00:48:35,532 --> 00:48:36,711
Yes.
1085
00:48:36,735 --> 00:48:39,117
We're two completely
different people now.
1086
00:48:39,141 --> 00:48:40,511
( warbles loudly )
1087
00:48:41,615 --> 00:48:42,856
( blows nose loudly )
1088
00:48:43,854 --> 00:48:45,323
( both laugh )
1089
00:48:46,494 --> 00:48:47,472
Oh, I love you.
1090
00:48:47,496 --> 00:48:49,260
( sings ) ( laughing )
1091
00:48:51,475 --> 00:48:53,087
Thanks for everything,
captain. Mm-hm.
1092
00:48:53,111 --> 00:48:54,525
We had a good time.
1093
00:48:54,549 --> 00:48:56,729
Here. From us kids.
1094
00:48:56,753 --> 00:48:58,869
Thanks for, uh, the trip.
1095
00:48:58,893 --> 00:49:01,310
Champagne?
1096
00:49:01,334 --> 00:49:02,379
Now, how did you kids
1097
00:49:02,403 --> 00:49:04,284
get your hands on this
bottle of champagne?
1098
00:49:04,308 --> 00:49:06,477
Where there's a
will, there's a way.
1099
00:49:08,718 --> 00:49:10,400
( mouths ): Oh.
1100
00:49:10,424 --> 00:49:11,958
Let's go, you guys.
1101
00:49:17,607 --> 00:49:20,933
BRICKER: I guess that's Will
on the bottom and Wayne on top.
1102
00:49:29,272 --> 00:49:32,277
( upbeat theme playing )
74758
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