All language subtitles for Ryan.Conner.Live.From.D.C..2024.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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WOMAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Ryan Conner.

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I grew up kind of near here.

I actually have a huge
and multiracial family.

I have 11 brothers.
Here's how that happened.

So my parents got divorced
when I was two.

My mom and stepdad
have been together since I was four.

My stepdad's Black.
I have two Black stepbrothers,

four adopted brothers
who are Black,

two Vietnamese brothers,

one Chinese brother,
and two white brothers.

And I am right in the middle,
age-wise.

Like, picture
a college brochure.

- That's pretty much what it is.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like, you see my family photo,

your first thought's like,
"Yeah, I go there."

"It's a...

"It's a good school, you know,
state school, affordable. Okay."

[CHUCKLES]

Since we grew up together,
no one has any racial stereotypes.

It always takes me a minute
to get them.

Like one time a guy told me
what I now know is a racist joke.

At the time, I just thought
it was an earnest question.

He goes, "There's a Black guy,
a Hispanic guy, and an Asian guy in the back of a car.

"Who's driving?"

I was like, "My mom?
I don't know."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You got to give me
more information, man. When was this?

I was like, "Tuesday is
our soccer practice.

"Like, is that...

"Like, if you need a ride,
just say you need a ride, man.

"Like, we don't need riddles.
I don't know why you're doing this."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Just be ready at 6:00.
No cleats in the van."

Also, whenever I have
to guess stereotypes, I'm always off.

Because I just base them
on my brothers' behavior.

Like, one time,
a comic friend was writing

what was probably gonna be
a horrible joke.

And he was like, "Hey, dude,
I need a Chinese stereotype.

"You have a Chinese brother,
right?"

I was like, "Yeah, man.

"Chinese people eat
all the deviled eggs at Thanksgiving."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And he's like,
"That might be too specific."

I was like, "Then you should
not have asked me, then. I don't know."

I grew up in a predominantly
Black neighborhood.

I didn't have
any white friends at all till I got to college.

So it wasn't until then
that I found out

that everyone doesn't
cover their bodies in lotion two to three times a day.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like, that's how I was raised.

Like, my mentality was like,

we might not agree
on everything,

but we're all
fighting the war on ashiness.

- Like...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING] That's the one thing
we've got as Americans.

So then,
my freshman year at college, I'm in my dorm room.

It's me and five other
white guys I just met.

We're playing Madden,

and I paused the game
to put cocoa butter on my elbows.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

As soon as I hit
the pump on the cocoa butter,

they just look at me like,
"Is he about to jack off right now?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They're like,
"I love defense, too,

"but I'm not in love
with defense."

And I can tell
they're looking at me weird, but I don't know why.

- So I offer them some.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And they were just like,
"I didn't know it was that kind of party, um..."

Well, then I start
putting it on my elbows and they're like,

"You can put dick sauce
on your arms?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So, we all learned something
that day.

I just flew in,
couple nights ago.

Middle of my flight,

the guy directly in front of me
starts panicking

because he thought
he was having a heart attack.

- It ended up being indigestion.
He's fine. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But the flight attendant
announced,

"We have a medical emergency.
Is there a doctor on board?"

The woman behind me
stood up and goes,

"My husband's a chiropractor."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I don't know if you've ever seen
200 people laugh hysterically

while a man thinks he's dying.

It's incredible.

Even the guy who thought
he was having a heart attack

was laughing his ass off.

He's like," Yeah,
my heart's exploding.

"Come crack my back, please."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like, I...
I bet if someone else was like,

"Well, I once played Operation."

He'd have been like,
"Then get in here."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I really felt for him.

It's got to be so embarrassing
to think you're gonna die

and tell everyone
you're gonna die,

and then you just
burp a couple of times.

- You're like, "No, I'm fine.
I'm good, actually." - [LAUGHING]

CONNER: And then you just
sit on the same plane

with them
for another four hours.

I know the feeling because
a couple years ago,

I almost died in the most
ridiculous way possible.

All right, don't worry.
I made it. I'm fine.

- Uh...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Okay? So, then did he die?"

No, I didn't. [LAUGHS]

So here's what happened.

I get taken to the hospital
in an ambulance.

Everyone thinks
I'm having a stroke.

They do hours of tests on me.

And then the doctor comes
into my room and goes,

"Quick. He has
dangerously low potassium."

I was like,
"Are you fucking kidding me?

"Am I about to die
of a banana deficiency?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Or am I just going to have
the lamest survivor story in history?" [LAUGHS]

Because it's not respectable.

Like, half of my friends
are veterans,

and I can just see myself
trying to relate to them.

We're hanging out like,
"Yeah, we're flying this helicopter over Fallujah.

"And these RPGs are flying at us
from every angle."

And I'm like, "Hey, let me
stop you there, man. Uh...

"That reminds me of this time
I totally spaced and forgot to eat bananas."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Guys like us. You know
what I'm saying?" [CHUCKLES]

"A little too close
to the edge at times, right?"

[CHUCKLES] So they gave me
a potassium drip.

Had me drink these two,
like, effervescent tablets.

I was fine in an hour, okay?

So I was like, "Okay,
this can't cost more than $4, right?"

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- [SIGHS]

Because, I mean,
it can't because

number two
at Jamba Juice is $6.99,

and that's the same thing
but it's delicious.

so this can't be more than $4.

I get the bill
a couple months later.

$9,000 after insurance,

- WOMAN 1: Wow.
- WOMAN 2: Oh, my God.

$9,000 for liquid bananas.

For $9,000,
you can buy every banana on the planet, okay?

So I called up my insurance.

I was like,
"Dude, how was this $9,000?"

They were like,
"Well, it's 'cause you almost died out-of-network."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "So the next time
I almost die,

"I just need to check
to make sure I'm in-network."

He's like, "Basically."

I said, "Does anyone
ever not pay their bill?"

And he's like, "All the time."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I said, "I'm glad
you're used to it then.

"Then mark me down
for never going to pay, all right?

"I'll drop off some bananas
if you want, but that's..." [LAUGHS]

"I'll pay you in potassium."

But the thing is,
I knew from the beginning

that the insurance people
didn't respect me,

because when I called
to file a claim,

the guy goes, "Sir,
can you please confirm your Member ID?"

And then he goes,
"One number at a time."

I was like, "Yeah, man,
that's how I say numbers. Like...

"How did you think I was going
to approach an 11-digit number?"

The only thing I can think of
is there's a note on my account that's like,

"This guy is gonna try
to say them all at once, all right?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You got to step in there,
cut him off at the pass."

What the hell did he think
I was gonna do?

Like, I was gonna
read it like a word?

Or like I was some person
who would read a member...

Oh, yeah, my Member ID is, uh,
13 billion, 891 million,

612 thousand, 140 C.

I didn't even know C
was a...

Wait, I got the commas wrong.

138 billion, 2...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I was in band
from elementary school all the way through college.

I don't know if any of you guys
are also really cool.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Here's the irony of band,
is that

everyone in the world
loves music,

but no one likes it
if it's sanctioned by a school.

Like, no one's ever been like,
"Hey, what's your favorite band?

"Radiohead?

"Oh, mine's the school."

"My favorite song?
Oh, it's, uh...

"It's that one they play
during time-outs.

"It's got that, uh, tuba solo
you can fuck to.

"It's a..."

Here's what...
Okay, here's the deal.

Every school program
does fundraisers, right?

For band, in high school,

we sold onions door-to-door.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Do you know how little
the school has to think of you

to make you sell onions
door-to-door in your own community?

I don't know
if there was a draft or something.

Because football sold pizza,
basketball sold cookies,

and I guess eventually
they were like,

"Hey, band. Uh, we're down
to onions and cemetery plots. What do you guys think?"

[LAUGHING] We're like,
"Well, of the two, I guess we're going onions."

They're like,
"All right, uh, sewing club,

"find out who wants to get
buried on school grounds."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So here is the deal.

The minimum order...

The minimum order
was 30 onions for $30.

30 onions at the same time.

Not spread over two decades.
This is...

It's just one day,
we don't know when

a truck will show up
and fill your house with onions.

The average human
eats 30 onions in six lifetimes, like...

Like, the only way you need
30 onions on the same day

is if you own
more than one Outback.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And then for an extra $10,
they throw in 4 pounds of garlic.

Which, I don't know
if you know what 4 pounds of garlic looks like,

but garlic weighs
slightly less than air.

All right?

So then,
they sent in a sales guy,

which, you know, they didn't
have to do for pizza.

And the sales guy was like,

"Just so you guys know,

"these Vidalia onions
are so sweet, you can eat 'em like an apple."

It's just like,
"Get the fuck out of here."

If I see someone
eating an onion like an apple,

I'm calling the FBI.

Like, that is
a tip of the iceberg situation,

where he's like, "FBI,
I found the guy who did everything,

"especially the weird stuff."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I still can't figure out
how this program existed.

Like, I don't know.
The only thing I think of, it was like

there was some farmer
who accidentally grew 2 million extra onions,

and he's like,
"How do I get rid of these?"

And he knows the principal.
And the principal is like,

"Hey, I know a group of kids
who just want to be part of something."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Just happy to be involved."
[LAUGHS]

So, uh, I've been married
for eight years now.

- [AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
- Oh.

Thank you to a couple people.
Thank you.

The first one was two years.

The second one was six, uh...

I combined my stats.

My career total's eight years.

I got two rings
is the way I look at it. That's the positive spin.

Olajuwon numbers,
you know what I mean?

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- [CHUCKLES]

So I am double divorced.

Uh, so on one hand,
whoops. Uh...

At the same time,

if you get one divorce,
you are gonna want another one,

all right?

Otherwise, you're gonna
be chasing that high for the rest of your life.

Like a retired astronaut
just staring at the moon every night, like,

"How do I get back there?"

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, if you haven't
had a divorce,

highly recommend it, just...

It's the... It's the best
thing in the world.

Unless you don't want one,
they definitely don't.

It's... [CHUCKLES]
It's horrible, if you don't want it, though.

The first one, the day we split,

uh, we're just ecstatic.

We go separate ways.

I get on the highway
and I'm just driving,

just giddy driving,
nowhere in particular.

I get pulled over,
going 98 in a 55.

And I'm so happy,
I don't even understand what's happening.

The cop comes up to my window.

He's, like, nervous, you know,
and he's, like, hand on his hip.

And he's like,
"What's going on?"

And I just turned around,
just smiling, like, "Hello."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And he's like,
"This guy is crazy, okay."

He was like,
"Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

And I was like...
[ENTHUSIASTICALLY] "How fast was it?"

Like it was Price Is Right
or some shit.

And he was like,
"You were going 98."

And I was like,
"That's really fast."

And he's like,
"What is happening right now?"

[LAUGHING] And I said,
"Well, to tell the truth,

"my wife and I just split,
and it was the worst marriage on Earth."

He slowly lowers his glasses
and goes,

"Hell, yeah, brother."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Shook my hand,
told me to have a good weekend.

He goes back
and gets in his car.

And then I'm looking
at my rearview mirror,

I see him start to walk
towards me, and I'm like, "Ugh,

"he must be required to give me
a ticket If he pulled me over."

Comes to me,
bends down as he goes,

"Hey, man,
I just wanna let you know.

"There's a speed trap
at Exit 2. Look out."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Well, that guy's had
at least four divorces. [LAUGHS]

That was a veteran move.

[CHUCKLES]

Nothing wrong
with being married.

I'm like...
I'm for it, uh, in general.

I probably would not
marry my ex-wives again, but I'm open to it in general.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Um...

Yeah.

Only... The only thing
I don't really like about it is wearing a ring.

I did it because you do that.

But it was just
never comfortable.

And then I can't understand why

humans fell for
the wedding ring.

Like, centuries ago.

It's just... It's bizarre.

There was
a great sales pitch, though.

Whoever came up with it
was like, "You know, it's...

"The shape is endless,
so it represents your love for each other.

"It's... It's never-ending."

It's like, "Yeah, that,
or it's the one shape that won't fall off a finger.

"What makes more sense there?"

Like, you know what other
shapes are endless?

All of them.

That is the definition
of a shape, all right?

If it's not endless,
it's called a line.

All right? [CHUCKLES]

You know what else is endless?
Olive Garden breadsticks.

But no one ever gets married,

and they're like, "Yeah,
now hold these breadsticks till one of you dies.

[LAUGHING]

So about three months ago,

I got a Facebook invite
for an orgy.

Which... Yeah.

First of all, I didn't know
you could do that on Facebook.

Uh, secondly,
nothing about me suggests I'd be an asset to group sex.

[LAUGHING]

Like, I'm more of a group
bowling kind of guy.

Also like, I... I mean,

I can't even handle
dirty talk. Like, I...

Like women didn't talk
to me till I was 21,

so the only thing I ever wanna
say during sex is like,

"Thank you. Thank you so much."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"It's swell of you
to be here, ma'am." Like... [CHUCKLES]

I don't wanna say anything
that could jeopardize her attendance.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, I dated someone
who wanted me to insult her.

And I was like,
"You have no idea how far beyond

- "my capabilities that is."
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like... [CHUCKLES]

But I... I gave it a shot.

But I forgot to ask
for the parameters for the insults,

which is vital information.

I was like, "She's an economist.

"I'll work with that."
Like... Like I treated it like a roast,

which is apparently
not what you do. [LAUGHS]

So we're in the moment,
and then I just go,

"You didn't see the housing
bubble coming, you dumbass."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She was like,
"Not like that, please."

I was like, "All right,
you trickle-down economics dipshit."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS] She was like,
"Can we stop forever?"

I said, "Thank you very much.
I would love that."

[LAUGHS]

So... So back to the orgy.

The woman who invited me,

I only knew her
from one previous interaction.

Ten years ago,
she booked me to perform

- on a benefit
for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yes. So, I'm just looking
at this invite, wondering,

"Is this a Make-A-Wish
affiliated orgy?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like, is there some kid
who's like, "I'm not going out until I see one, all right?

"Put it together.
I read the by-laws, all right?

"A wish is a wish."

[LAUGHING]

At this point I'm like,
"I owe it to this... You know?"

Yeah. So I clicked
interested, um...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I did it for two reasons,
one it is interesting.

Uh, two, I felt like I had to.

She only invited 20 people.

Do you know how bold that is?

Half the people you invite
to weddings don't show up.

Like, so I'm thinking
to get a decent numbers for an orgy,

you have to invite
at least 40 to 50,000 people.

You invite 20 people,
you're gonna get

three dudes sitting
in the kitchen like,

"What do we fuck?
I have no idea."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You wanna do the couch,
I'll do the pillows. Like, I don't know."

Eventually, someone's like,
"They've got Risk in the closet.

"You wanna fuck that up?"

It eventually just turns
into a board game night.

So I did not realize that
if you click "going" or "interested,"

- it shows up in your feed.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The next day,
I get a notification

that my mom commented
on the event.

Every organ
in my body shut down.

It felt like my bananas
were acting up again.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- [RYAN LAUGHS]

I was like,
"It's one of two nightmares,

"either my mom thinks
I'm an orgy guy or much worse,

"my mom is also invited
to this orgy."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It takes me a couple of minutes
to work up the courage

to click on her comment.

All it said was, "Hey, Ryan.
Just wondering when you're coming home for Christmas.

"Let me know."

I still have no idea
if she was fucking with me,

if she doesn't understand
how Facebook works,

or if she was like,
"You know, I never know what to get him for Christmas.

"And apparently he likes
these 'or-gi' things,

"so I'll just see if they
have them on Amazon. I don't know."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[RYAN LAUGHS]

I was back home
a couple of years ago.

One of my brothers
still lives with my parents.

He's younger than me
and he's gay.

That's gonna matter in a moment.

- Uh... [LAUGHS]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I get in late
the night before.

He doesn't know I'm there.

It's the next morning,
like 8:30,

and our parents go to work.

It's just me
and my brother in the house.

I hear him open the door.

Three other guys are
directly above me.

They're talking
for a minute, all right?

And then all of a sudden,
I hear music start blasting,

and then I hear nothing
but like thumping

and grunting

and like rhythmic skin slaps.

And I'm like, "Oh, no!
I know what this sound is,

"because I've accidentally
clicked on it before."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Tiny thumbnails.
Don't use your phone.

Um...

And I want it to stop.

But the liberal in me is like,
"Is it homophobic to ask him to stop?"

But like, of course,
it's not homophobic

to not wanna hear
your brother have an orgy.

Like, no one should want

to hear their sibling
have an orgy.

But in the same time,
like how do I stop it?

It's not like I can walk in
and be like,

"Hey, could you stop
fucking my brother so loud?"

Like, it's gonna ruin
everybody's week.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I'm like, "I'm just gonna be
the cool big brother

"and wait it out." You know?

'Cause I'm like, "After all,
how long could this last?"

95 minutes is
the answer. [LAUGHS]

So credit where credit is due.

Good job, fellas. Well done.

You delivered.

Once the music stops,

I give it, like,
another ten minutes for the dust to settle. [LAUGHS]

Whatever that is.

You know when you walked
into a room right after someone's had sex,

and you're like,
"What is in the..." [COUGHS]

Like the air is haunted
by sperm ghosts or something.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I wait those 10 minutes,
and I walk upstairs.

Cautiously open the door.

Here's my proof.
Four guys, shirtless, glistening with sweat.

One guy is wearing a fedora,
which is never necessary.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My brother turns and sees me.

He's like, "Oh, my gosh!
I am so sorry.

"I had no idea you were here."

And I was like,
"Oh, no, man. It's cool.

"I'm, like, real laidback
about this stuff, you know.

"You guys can keep going
if you want, you know...

"I'm really progressive
and whatnot.

"Uh... I'm just gonna get
some waffles,

"and then go downstairs
and puncture my eardrums."

- Um...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS] And he goes,
"I'm so glad you're not mad.

"If I'd known, we would've
done it outside.

"But we were just having
a dance rehearsal."

And I was like,
"Oh, the only thing gayer than an orgy. All right."

- [LAUGHING]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I told him I was like,
"Man, I was way more comfortable

"when I thought you were
fucking each other."

I was like, "I understand
why people have sex,

"but I can't figure out
for the life of me,

"why four 20-year-olds
had a dance rehearsal at 8:30 a.m."

Like, if I had known
you were dancing the whole time,

I would've barged
in immediately, just like, "Cut this shit out.

"This is not how
you were raised, all right?

"Now start fucking each other
or something, all right?"

Several years ago,
I did shows in China.

There's a lot of, like,
English speaking expats there.

and before I went,
I was like, "I don't wanna be the stereotype of the, like,

"arrogant, ignorant American,
who goes to another country

"and doesn't speak
any of the language."

So I was like, "Let me learn
Chinese real quick."

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- [RYAN CHUCKLES]

Which is the most
like arrogant and ignorant thing anyone has ever thought.

I studied Mandarin
for several weeks.

At the end of that time,
the only phrase I could say was,

"The man rides a horse."

That was it.
Not the most useful phrase.

I don't think
I've ever said it in English,

except in this moment. [LAUGHS]

Like there's no scenario
where it's gonna come up,

like I'm just gonna attend
an equestrian event.

I'm next to a guy who, like,
just got out of a coma

that he's been in ever since
before horses came out.

And he's like, "Hey, man,
what does the man ride?"

I'm like, "Uh, the man rides
a horse, actually.

"It was Chapter 2.

"I'm surprised you didn't..."

So, I was like, "I give up.

"I'm not smart enough to learn
this language." [LAUGHS]

So I was like, as long as
I can say, "Thank you," I'm fine.

So I go to China,
I'm just saying "thank you" nonstop.

Left and right, just,
"Thank you, thank you, thank you."

[LAUGHS] After several hours,
my translator goes,

"Hey, Ryan, um, you know,
uh, when you think you're saying thank you,

"you're actually saying
'smoking'?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "Why did you start
that sentence with 'you know'?"

[LAUGHS] I obviously
did not know that.

I would not consciously
be getting change back and then going, "Smoking?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I was like,
"What am I saying?"

And he was like,
"You're saying 'shi-shi.'"

And I said, "What should
I be saying?"

He's like, "Shi-shien."
And I'm like, "Well, fuck me. That sounds exactly the same."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So then he teaches me,
and then he's like, "Oh, you're saying it perfectly.

"That's perfect."

So then I'm doing it
for a couple of days, right?

And then he finally stops me
and goes, "Hey, Ryan, um..."

And I'm like, "Smoking again?"
He goes, "No, much worse."

Uh...

He's like, "Now,
instead of saying 'thank you,'

"you're actually saying
a woman's name."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's significantly
creepier than smoking.

Just imagine I'm doing
a transaction.

I buy something
and then I just go, "Stephanie?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You're like, "No."

Or it's much weirder
if it's "yes."

'Cause then like,
"What kind of scavenger hunt are you playing?

"Am I safe right now?"

[LAUGHS]

It was funny, man.
Like, there's so many American expats.

I hung out
with this one guy one night.

He was out of his mind.

He lived in China and Shanghai

for like nine years
at this point.

And he goes, "Dude,
I'm never going back to the States,

because China is
way more free than the US.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I was like, "Dude,
there's police at all my shows

"making sure that
I don't mention 'democracy.'"

[LAUGHS]

"Like, I will literally
be taken straight to the airport if I do that."

And he goes, "Yeah, but here
I can just go outside and piss in the street."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He's like, "If I did that
at home, I'm gonna get a ticket."

And I'm like, "Yeah,
'cause you should get a ticket. Like..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Public urination is
a bigger issue for you than voting rights? Like..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Maybe we don't want
you back at home then.

"I don't know.

"If you're just gonna come home
and complain that you can't take

"a shit at Food Lion, like..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He's like, "I went into
Burger King. I just tried to jerk off in the lobby

"and they arrested me.

"What, is Burger King,
run by Chairman Mao or something?"

[LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So my first night...

[CHUCKLES]

First night,
the promoter pulls me aside

before the show and he goes,
"Hey, I just got to warn you,

"uh, there are
a couple scams going around."

And I was like,
"I'm pretty savvy.

"Uh, I don't think
I'm gonna fall for these, whatever they are."

And then he tells me the scams.

I was like, "Yeah,
I actually fell for both of those already."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I just didn't realize
there were scams.

I just thought Shanghai
was extremely expensive.

So here's what they were.
The first one I got tricked

into buying some art
for about a 1600% markup,

I later found out. [CHUCKLES]

So, but whatever,
at least it's art. It's something I can keep.

The worst one was
I'm walking back to my hotel with my art.

- [CLICKS TONGUE]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And these... These three women
who must have seen the art

and been like, "Got him." And...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

One of them goes,
"Hey, are you American?"

I was like, "Yes, I am.

"Do you have
an opportunity for me?"

Like, just, not the way
to respond

to "Are you an American?"
in another country.

And she goes,
"Well, have you been to the tea ceremony yet?"

And I was like,
"I didn't know there was one. Tell me about it."

And she's like,
"Well, it's only here every 300 years."

And I believed that shit.
Like, she picked a unit of time

that no one measures
anything by, and I'm like, "Woo-hoo! What luck?"

So they lead me
to what can only be described

as an abandoned mall.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Gigantic, three-story mall,
completely vacant,

except for this one
back hallway they take me down,

where I'm like,
"Okay, I'm either gonna die

"or they're just keeping
the fucking tea party under wraps.

"Maybe that's it."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm thinking when we get there,
since the tea party is so hot,

there's gonna be a line.

Believe it or not, I'm the only
person at the tea party.

I go in. I take six sips of tea,

just one of each
of these things.

It was delicious.

Uh, and I was like,
"Well, this is probably five dollars well spent.

And, uh... [CHUCKLES]

They give me the check.

- $160 US.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

For six sips of tea.

The crazy thing is,
I had exactly $160 in my pocket.

So I was like,
"Are you guys working with David Blaine or something?

"Like, how do you know
exactly how much money I have?"

And then the woman goes,
she was like, "Well, you know, if you need to,

"you can go
to the ATM right now."

And I was thinking,
"That's perfect. I'll just run."

And then I was like,
"Wait a minute. I don't know what happens

"in China if you just
run out on a bill." [LAUGHS]

I don't wanna, like,
find myself waking up in some leaky torture dungeon

with people doing shit
to my joints.

[CHUCKLES] So...
And I also didn't wanna leave my art behind

because at the time
I didn't know it was scam art.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I pull all my money
out of my pocket and I start to pay her.

But I'm...
I'm furious, obviously.

And with each bill
I put down, I'm like,

"Fuck you, Fuck you! Fuck you!"

And she can tell I'm pissed off,
because I just keep saying,

"Fuck you," you know?

So then, she wants me
to think it's worth it.

So she... she does
this little sales pitch.

She was like,
"Well, you know, uh, this is actually

"a very luxurious experience
because if you notice that

when I pour
the hot water in the cup, a dragon appears on the side.

And I was like, "Yeah,
we have that same technology on our Coors Light cans.

"Like I'm not...

"I'm not impressed
by your fucking dragon cup."

And then I called her
"Stephanie" and I left.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I can't believe I had the gall
to think that I can speak Mandarin. [CHUCKLES]

I could barely speak English
when I was a kid.

Like I... I lived in the South
when I was really little,

and then I moved
to the D.C. area,

and found out I didn't know
how to say my own name.

All right? Ryan could not
be more straightforward,

but in the town
where I was from,

it's pronounced...
[HIGH-PITCHED] "Raan!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's like an "R"
and seven pages of "I's."

It's also the sound you get
when you throw a cat through the air.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[RYAN LAUGHS]

So I was like, "Ryan?"
I'm like, "What is that?"

Is that a vegetable?

I... I love
Southern accents, though. Like, it's so melodic.

Like, I have one uncle
who talks so slowly

that when he gets to
the end of a sentence,

you've already forgot
what the beginning was.

So every time he pauses,
I just go, "Well, shit."

And he goes...
[YELLS] "Damn right!"

That's...

That's every conversation
I have with that uncle.

I see a part of my family
every year at Christmas,

and it is hilarious
because my uncles are just...

All they want to talk about
is directions.

Just, "Hey,
which way did you come here?"

"What road did you take?"

"You take 220, or you take 460?

"Did you go north, then east?
Or did you go east, then north?

"Was there traffic on 460?

"You know, they put that
light in. They shouldn't have put that light in.

"We don't need any lights.
We don't need lights.

"Which way are you
going to go back?"

I'm like, "What are you going
to do with this data? Why do you...

"What are you collecting
this information for?"

[LAUGHS]

"So. which way did you come?"

I'm like, "I don't know,
I just put it in my GPS."

"GPS?"

"You need a robot to tell you
how to get to your grandma's house?"

I'm like, "No, no, it's just
the easiest thing to do."

And he's like, "No,
what you need to do is..."

I'm like,
"No, what I need to do is put it in my GPS,"

"so I don't have to look
for the weird tree you're gonna describe."

I'm like, "Why does anyone give
anyone directions anymore?"

Like, my dad gave me
these directions.

He's like, "You're gonna
go down 220 about three, four, could be six,

"maybe up to 12 miles.

"You're gonna make a right
at the post, okay?

"You can't miss it
because it's the only post on that road.

"There's other poles...

"and columns.

"This is the only post.

"You're gonna go down
about six, eight, nine miles, possibly.

"You're gonna make a left where
the Thompson hot dog place was, that burned down in '86."

I'm like,
"It burned down in '86?"

And he goes, "Yeah,
but it still feels like hot dogs there."

It's like, "Dad, I don't have
this phantom hot dog sense you think I have."

And then he just goes,
"Then you've been in the city too long."

That's his answer to everything.

Like, I don't have any, like...
I don't have any, like, survival skills,

to be honest, I don't...
[SPUTTERS] You don't really need them, you know.

We've got walls and shit.
[LAUGHS]

You don't really have to be
able to survive.

They... They had me
in Cub Scouts when I was little, and I quit when I was seven,

because I realized
that everything they taught me in Cub Scouts

was a survival tool
in case I got lost in the woods.

And then I realized
the only time I had ever been in the woods

was with the Cub Scouts.

So I was like,
"If I just cut these guys out of the equation, I'm safe."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm not kidding.

I'm not gonna run into a bear
at the Boys & Girls Club, you know.

There's not gonna be a scenario
where I'm playing video games with my friends and you're like,

"Hey, someone tie a square knot
or we're all gonna drown."

It's like, specifically
Cub Scout dangers. It's... It's so absurd.

Like... Like they prepare you
for unnecessary danger

and then just subject you to it
as a 7-year-old.

Just camping with
wolves and bears and shit.

Like, it'd be like
if you took a self-defense class

and the end of the first class
they were like, "All right, send in the murderers."

"Oh, you're struggling?
Then you should've listened.

"You should've listened,
all right?"

So, I was born in 1980.

A lot of Cub Scouts
going around when I was a kid.

A lot of DARE program.

A whole lot of DARE program.

Look, even as a kid,
it was clearly absurd.

Like, it's based on
the idea that marijuana is a gateway to harder drugs.

They always backed it up
with stats that were clearly made up.

Like, I remember
our DARE officers saying,

"Well, 95% of people
who smoke crack also smoke marijuana."

That's obviously made up,
because crackheads don't take surveys.

All right? Like, where did you
get the figures from, man, like...

Are you really trying to tell us
there's a socially conscious crack dealer?

Who is quizzing crackheads
and then reporting back to the government, like...

Then, the...
The most ridiculous stat was, uh...

And they thought
they could get this on us because it has a fraction in it.

There are like, uh...
One-third of people who die in car accidents

go on to test positive
for marijuana.

I'm like, "Only one-third?"

That just means
if you don't smoke weed,

you're twice as likely
to die in a car accident.

That's the best
pro pot statement I've ever heard in my life.

It's ridiculous.

Here is the absurd part
of the DARE program.

They start it when you're seven.

I'm like, "I'm seven years old.
Why are you teaching me about heroin? Like..."

I... I could not figure it out.
Like, I couldn't even tie my shoes.

Like, what makes you think
I could work a syringe?

Like, you really think
I'm gonna be lighting up a spoon in the bathroom?

I'm not even allowed
to touch a lighter, all right?

Also, my allowance
was $5 every other week.

Like, I'd have to
save up 2 months just to buy generic Tylenol.

I remember the...
the DARE officer,

he would bring the, uh...
He would do the presentation in the classroom.

He'd have this case with,
like, 40 windows in it. Each had a different drug in it.

And now I'm an adult.
I know there are only, like, five drugs.

So what the fuck were they...

What were they trying
to tell us was in there?

They'd finish the presentation
and go, "All right. Any questions?"

We're like, "No, we do not have
any questions about meth, sir. Like, we're seven."

You think someone's
going, "Yeah, okay. So if I get Sudafed PM

and I crush that up real good,
put some ethanol in it...

Put that on the streets
within 48 hours...

We don't... No, We don't have
meth questions, man.

He was like,
"No questions at all?"

I'm like, "Uh,
I have one question."

He's like, "Yeah, young man."

I'm like,
"Yeah, is that a real dog?"

He was like,
"Yes, it is a real dog."

I'm like, "No further questions,
Your Honor."

"That's... That's all I got."

We did a, we did a...
We did a field trip to the county jail.

Do you know how absurd that is?

In third grade, we did
a field trip to the... This wasn't Scared Straight!.

This is just a class,

not to look at the jail,

we served six hours of time
behind bars

with other people
who were in jail.

We spent an entire school day
behind bars.

Our teacher was on the outside
like a guard.

And we sat on this, like,
long, like, picnic table thing,

just watching guys
play dominoes for cigarettes.

That was our field trip.
And we're, you know, when you're eight years old,

you have that thing where
you're, like, you think you can blend in with adults.

Like you don't realize
that it's pretty clear you're a kid.

So you're just like,
"Hey, what... What are you in for, man?

"What are you in for?"

"Oh, arson. Cool, cool."

"Me? Uh, I shouldn't say,
I shouldn't say."

"Field trip?"
"Yeah, actually, Yes. Field trip. Yes."

"Very ill-advised field trip
is what I'm in for."

"How could you tell?
Is it because I'm three feet tall

and wearing a T-shirt
that says 'soccer'?"

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- "Is that..."

It's so crazy that
weed is, like, so vilified

when, like, really
the only negative side effect

is it makes you
misunderstand documentaries.

And then give
the wrong information to your friends.

One of my little brothers
is a pothead.

And I watched
this documentary with him

about this blind guy
who gets around using echolocation.

Have you ever seen the guy
ticks with his mouth?

He can tell
what his surroundings are based off the sound waves.

It's... It's amazing.

So there's a scene where
he's going down the street

and he's like...
[CLICKS TONGUE]

He's like, "There's a trash can
on my left." [CLICKS TONGUE] "Car on the right."

You know...
"Fire hydrant on the left."

We're both amazed,
but for different reasons.

He turns to me and goes,
"So, like, can he talk to dolphins, then?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, no.

I was like, "Why do you think
this is an infomercial for Rosetta Stone Dolphin?

"Why did language
even enter your mind?"

He's like, "Well, he's talking
to trash cans, isn't he?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm like, "No, he's not
talking to trash cans."

He goes, "Then how else would
he know it's a trash can?"

I was like, "You think
he's like... [CLICKS TONGUE]

and it's like...
[HIGH-PITCHED] 'I'm a trash can.'"

He was like, "Basically."

I was like, "Man..."
[SIGHS]

"I just realized that's not even
the dumbest thing you're saying here.

"It's what you're implying.

"Which is that dolphins
can also talk to trash cans."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I think I've got him
at this point, and he just goes,

"Lot of people throw trash
in the ocean, so..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's his closing argument.
Just locking the fingers.

And, like,
I'm just supposed to go, "Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right.

"That's right. That's right."

And then he goes,
"But full disclosure,

"I've never been a trash can,
so this is purely speculation."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You guys think
the country is getting dumber?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Pretty much, right?

I'm usually
convinced that it is.

But then, every now,
I think it's something like,

well, maybe, maybe
not in every way.

Because when I was a kid,
pretty much the entire country thought wrestling was real.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's like, we've come
a really long way from that, you know,

When I was a kid,
people would be like,

"You can't beat the Undertaker.
He's not even alive."

He'd be like,
"Well, that's a great point, actually, yeah."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You can't beat the undead.

I do... I do.
I think we're getting dumber.

I also think, like,
we're becoming bullies,

like, so, like, you aren't even
allowed to watch the TV shows you wanna watch.

People try to
force their TV show on you.

Do you know how many people
have, like, tried to make me watch Ozark?

And now I just can't
watch out of principle.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Because so many people are like,

"You don't even
fucking talk to me until you've seen it, all right?"

"Lock yourself in your basement
with a can of beans, and don't come out till..."

It's like, why do you care
what I watch?

So, I just started giving
a stock recommendation back.

And I was like, "Yeah, yeah,
I'll watch Ozark, uh,

"you got to watch this,
so, I just... Just binged the whole thing."

"It's great.
It's called Wheel of Fortune."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They're like, "Yeah,
I've seen Wheel of Fortune."

I'm like, "No, you've got
to start from Season 1, all right?"

"Otherwise, you're not gonna
get it, all right?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You'll follow it,
but you won't get it."

"And if you don't start
from the beginning,

"you'll miss that season
where Sajak refuses to sell vowels, okay?"

"People try to buy them,
and he's like, I'm not selling them shits."

I'm... I'm not into
social media.

I mean, I'm on it,
but I don't... [SPUTTERS] Instagram is fine.

Yelp drives me...
Yelp is hilarious.

The fact that that we've decided
that we're all experts on everything, it's...

There's a one-star review
for the Grand Canyon that I saw.

I mean, everyone's
allowed to have opinions,

but a one-star review
for the Grand Canyon,

you can just say, "Well,
that's a stupid opinion."

Here's what the review said.
The whole thing just said, "It's all outside."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Do you know how dumb
you have to be

to see the Grand Canyon
and your take away is, "That shit needs a roof."

- Like...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was in Montreal, uh,
doing shows.

I come out of my hotel,
and across the street from my hotel,

two different places
say "Nuru" on them.

N-U-R-U in these
fluorescent lights.

I'm like, "What is this?"
I google it.

Turns out it's this thing
where a "massage therapist"

covers herself in oil,
like a sexy oil,

like a 10W-40, like a,
you know what I mean,

not that canola bullshit,

and she just slides all over you
for an hour, right?

So I put "massage therapists"
in quotes because she's more of a hero.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I was like, "Let's just see
what the community is saying about this place."

I open up Yelp,
the first thing I see is a one-star review.

Do you know
how little pride you have to have

to leave a one-star review
for a woman covered in oil sliding all over you,

for your family,
friends, coworkers to see... Your name is on it.

Anyone can search reviews.

And this guy,
Randall Danby from Denver...

He put his name out there,
I will too.

His review just said
"Her heart wasn't in it."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like he thought it was
gonna be her passion project or something.

It's like, Randall,
as a general rule,

no woman wants to rub
her naked body on a man who writes Yelp reviews.

Facebook's the worst.

I can't stay on Facebook,
because it's...

You know, if you ever notice
how people use it to make tragedies about themselves.

Every time.

Anything around the world,
like, there could be a mudslide in Malaysia,

and people you went
to middle school with will mark themselves safe.

Like as if you saw the news,
and you're like, "I hope Glenn didn't perish in the mud."

7000 miles
from where he's ever been.

And then
you look at the comments

and everyone's just trying
to one up each other.

Like, "Oh, yeah, I was actually
supposed to be there too, uh, where the mud was sliding.

"Except that I never made
plans to go

"and to be honest,
I'm not even sure what part of Florida Malaysia is in, but..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"...aside from that,
this is about me, okay?"

Someone did this to me
in real life, too.

Okay... So offensive.

The guy, uh, he asked me
when I moved to L.A.,

and then I asked him
when he did, and he just goes,

"It was actually, um,
the day after Katrina hit."

And I said,
"Oh, man, I am so sorry."

And he goes, "Yeah, it was...
It was a really tough time.

"For my family and everyone."

"I bet.
So was your family okay?"

He was like, "Yeah, everyone,
everyone made it out all right."

"So was the house okay?"

And he goes, "Yeah, yeah,
the house made it just fine."

[SPORADIC LAUGHTER]

I said, "Great. Well,
how far are you from the levees?"

- And he goes,
"Oh, pretty far back." - [SPORADIC LAUGHTER]

I said, "How far?"
And he goes, "I don't know.

"Two and a half,
three thousand miles."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I said,
"Did you say 'thousand'?"

He's like,
"Yeah, yeah, I'm from Seattle."

"I've never even been
to New Orleans."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I said, "Why did you
bring up Katrina then?"

And he goes, "Well, I'm just
referencing the date."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "No one knows
the date of Katrina, man.

"If I didn't have that
follow-up question,

"you would let me live my life
thinking that the levees broke,

"and you just jumped on a raft
and swam to L. A. in pursuit of your dreams.

"In reality,
you're just a monster.

"It would be like
if I told people, 'Oh, yeah, my cousin died September 11th.'

"You're like,
'Oh, no, I am so sorry.

'In one of the towers,
or the Pentagon?'

"I'm like, 'No,
he choked on a tuna melt in Dayton, actually.'

"But never forget,
that's what we say about him.

"Because it was also
in a Quiznos, so double never forget."

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- [LAUGHS]

My favorite job I ever had
when I was in college,

I worked for what,
in retrospect, was probably a drug front.

I'm pretty sure it was.
So officially it was a decking company,

but my department,
we did set up appointments for estimates.

And we got paid like
$25, $30 an hour for that.

So that's shady on its face.

The other thing about it was,
half the people were college students.

Half were, like,
fresh out of prison.

- Like...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

One day out, our boss was
on a work release program.

He had nine felonies
and went by 'Felony Freddy,' okay?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Freddie wanted everyone
to drop out of college.

He would mock us
for going to school.

My friend John
was a business major,

and he had his book out
on the table in our meeting before he went out.

Freddy just goes up to me
and goes, "You don't need that shit."

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Yeah, I do.

He goes, "I didn't even
finish high school, look at me."

John was like, "Yeah,
that's my point too." Like...

"Yeah." [LAUGHS]

And Freddy goes,
"Give me any vocab word."

I was like, when's the last time
you heard an adult say "vocab word"?

And John's like, "All right,
well, what does this mean?"

Fred's answer is way off
and John tells him,

and Fred goes,
"Maybe in your book.

"But that's not how it is
in the real world, all right?

"I didn't finish school,
and I'm still your boss. So fuck your book."

And he takes the book,
throws it at the wall.

And then he turns around
and goes, "You're fired."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

John's like, "For what?"

And then Fred goes,
"I rethought it.

"And now you're hired
because life is about second chances."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

One day I'm in
the passenger seat and this guy, uh, Marcus is driving.

I went to school with him.
I never... I never met him before this day,

Never been in a van with him.

We're driving
down the interstate. He just slams on the brakes.

Middle of the highway.
Complete stop. Everyone's swerving around us.

Everyone's freaking out in
the van, like, "What's going on? Marcus, What's going on?"

He's just like, "Oh, nothing."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "Can you pull over
to the side of the road?"

He was like,
"Do you think I should?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Absolutely. I think that's...
Yes." He goes, "Okay.

Slowly pulls over, right?
All right, get out of the van.

I call Freddie. I was like,
"Fred, we're on 95. Marcus just slams on the brakes."

Freddy goes, "Yeah,
that's gonna happen from time to time."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I said, "Why would that happen
from time to time?"

And he goes,
"Well, he has seizures."

I said, "Why is he driving?"

"Is he allowed to drive?"

And Freddy goes,
"Well, not according to the government."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"But I play by my own rules,
as you know."

And I said,
"But why is he driving?"

And he goes, "Dude,
when he's on, he's fucking on."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like,
"What does that even mean?"

We're driving a minivan
through the suburbs.

Not shooting
a Jason Statham movie.

And then he goes, "Dude,
he's top three in the state in hitting green lights."

I'm like,
"That's not a real stat. No one measures that.

"How stupid do you think I am?"

We were with this other guy,
uh, this guy, Chris from Denver.

He was the dumbest man
on the planet. He was... He was a white guy.

Everyone knows this type of guy.

He was this white guy who just
wanted the Black guys who worked there to think he was cool.

Everything he did in his life
was to make the Black guys who worked there think he was cool.

He would try to freestyle
in the van constantly.

It was the most
uncomfortable shit I've ever been near.

One day... One day
he just turns down the radio.

Everyone rolls their eyes,
like, "This shit again."

And he just goes,
"Trees and shit."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He's like, "That's all I've got
for now, all right?" And just turns it back up.

It's like, Chris,
do you not have a filter in your brain,

or did "trees and shit"
get to the filter,

and your brain was like,
"Let it through, let it through."

Let the world know
about "trees and shit."

[LAUGHS]

The most uncomfortable thing
he did.

One day he pulls out a photo
of a baby, all right?

And we're like, "Who is that?"

And he goes, "That's my son."

We're like, "Well, that's
not good for the planet, but all right."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I said, "How old is he?"

And then he goes,
this is a direct quote,

he goes, "My girl
shit him out last month."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's the most revolting sentence
in the English language.

I wish I did not know
how old his son was.

I did not want to hear
that sentence, but I do you want to think

that that's how
he thinks it works.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's not even
the uncomfortable part.

This was the uncomfortable part.

Someone said, "What's his name?"

He locks eyes with
every Black dude in the room, just one at a time.

And he goes, "Justice."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He's like, "I get it, I get it."

Yeah, this is Justice.

It's like, man,
you were trying way too hard.

You can't be a white guy
and name your kid Justice.

That would be like if I was like
"Yeah, this is my son Brown v. the Board of Education."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Yeah."

"No, it's not his full name.

"His middle name
is Montgomery bus boycott.

"We call him Monty.

"Please like me."
You're just trying way too hard.

Also, a white guy named Justice
does not sound like an ally.

It sounds like
a renegade sheriff.

With a show on TNT.

"Justice is part
of the problem.

"This fall."

[LAUGHS]

It's everyone's first day.

You're trying to get a read
for him, like, "So listen, is this guy in school?

"He just get out of prison?

"What? What's your deal?"

If you look for obvious signs
like types of tattoos, like I'd be like

"Oh, teardrop tattoo...
Art student."

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- I was horrible at it.

One day I'm driving this guy.

Calvin is in the car with me,
and I'm thinking he's in school,

just based on everything
about him and so I was like, "What'd you do before this?"

And he's like, "Tsk.
I haven't worked in a minute."

I was like,
"What have you been doing?"

He was like, "Well, I was
in the pen for four years."

But because I saw him
as a student, when he said "the pen."

Instead of hearing
"penitentiary,"

my brain translated to
"University of Pennsylvania."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I go, "Oh, man,
my uncle went there too."

He's like, "For real?"
And I was like, "Yeah, what did you major in?"

And then he goes,
"attempted murder."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "Oh, shit.
My uncle was public policy.

"Things have changed.

"Things have changed."

And we we became
pretty friendly, and I found out what he did,

and it was, uh, hilarious
the way I reacted to it,

because...

There was a pawn shop
across the street of my high school.

There was an incident there.

When I was in high school,

and it turned my school
into lockdown for six hours.

So then when I found out
that he was responsible for it,

- I was just like,
"That was you?" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I can't believe I'm hanging out
with you right now."

Like, like, I turned into
a Manson woman, like, I'm just in the cult.

Like every time
he got out of the van,

I was just calling up
people from high school.

Like, "Do you remember
the pawnshop shooting?"

They're like, "Yeah." I'm like,
"Guess who I'm hanging out with right now?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They were like, "Get out
of the van, dude." I'm like, "No, you just don't understand

"people like me and Calvin.
We're different."

[LAUGHS]

That's true.

I got one more story for you.

So nothing ever felt
dangerous...

The most dangerous things
that's ever happened to me, at work,

I was performing at a club,

and as soon as I got introduced,
I grabbed the mic

and the fire alarm
just starts blasting.

All right. Just...
No one from the club

is acting like there's
a fire alarm going off.

So I told the crowd,
"Hey, don't worry, guys,

"this is just a drill,"
which is absurd.

Why would there be like
a middle school fire drill

in the middle of your show?

Also where the policy is,
"Just ignore it. Let it ruin your night."

But the crowd was like,
"Well, he has the microphone.

"He wouldn't lie to us,
would he?"

So I just keep performing.

I think it's gonna go off
for a couple of minutes.

It went off for 45 minutes.

At the end of that time,
I go in the green room.

The managers in there
are really nervous-looking and I was like,

"What's going on?
Is there a wiring issue?"

And he goes, "No, dude,
we got a big ass fire."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "What do you mean,
you have a fire?"

Like, I said,
"Why didn't you get me off stage?"

And he goes, "Yeah, that's what
the fire department's been saying, too."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "I didn't even know
you could tell the fire department

"'No', like... you know, we,
we'll, we'll blow on it.

"We got it. We got it."

I was like, "Seriously,
why didn't you get me off stage?"

And he goes, "To tell you
the truth, I was about to get you off stage.

"Then I saw
how much fun you were having.

"And I decided
that's how you'd want to go."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "Really, man,
I've known you for an hour,

"and you think you can make end
of life decisions for me.

"Also fuck you for thinking
this is the peak of my life."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Easily the worst show
I'd ever done.

And he's like,
"Just let him go.

"His family will understand.
He went out on top."

It's like I wouldn't mind
if I died on stage in my 90s of a heart attack.

I don't wanna die when I'm 40,
because someone forgot

to take
the chicken tenders out.

Little less of a hero story.

So then after the show,
I'm in the bar area

and this woman comes up,
she's talking to me.

And the conversation
was already awkward.

Because when she came up
to shake my hand, I'd just come out of the bathroom.

And my hands were wet.

And so as soon as our hands
touched, she gave me that,

like,
"You nasty motherfucker" look.

Which... Come on,
let's all grow up.

We know what's happening there.

It's one of those bathrooms
with the hand dryers.

This... It's a slow trickle
of cool air

like it feels like an old man
is whispering into your hands.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's like I don't have time
to dry my hands with secrets, like...

I got a life to live,
so I walk out, shake hands... Like...

She acts like I was actually
in the bathroom, like,

"Can't wait to shake me
some hands."

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Like...

Like anyone has ever done that.

So five minutes into an already
awkward conversation,

she goes, "Where'd you
go to college?"

I said, "George Mason."

She put her thumb down
in my face and just starts going,

"Boo!"

It was like I went
to George Mason.

I don't even have
an opinion on it.

Like, "Why are you doing that?"

And she just goes,
"I went to Florida."

I've got no idea
what that means, right?

She may as well have said
"I like pop tarts,"

like, there's, there's,
there's no connection.

And then she goes,
"We beat you in the Final Four."

[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]

It's like, "First of all,
neither of us played in that game. All right?

"Like I know I didn't,
and I think I would remember

"if a 5-foot-2 woman played
in the men's Final Four."

So then she gets defensive
and she was like... She's like, "Well, you know.

"The University of Florida
is known as the Harvard of Florida."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like,
"No one has ever said that."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"No one's ever even
thought that."

It's also
a very weird way to brag.

That's like saying,
"Did you know that pizza rolls

"are the lobster
of the frozen food section?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's like, I'll give you that,
but it's a very low ceiling, very low.

[CHUCKLES]

Also, the thing is,
it's like the game was 15 years ago.

It's a borderline historical
event... That...

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- That would be like if every time

I met a British guy,
I'm just like, "Boo."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He's like, "What's that for?"

Like, the events of Braveheart.

Okay?

Then she asked me if I went
to grad school anywhere, and I got to lay it on her.

I was like, "Yeah, I actually
went to Harvard," which is not true at all.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I just wanted to be able to say,
"Or, as we called it,

- "the Florida of Massachusetts."
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All right.
Thank you so much, guys.

You've been an awesome crowd.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

You've been wonderful.

I really appreciate it.

I can't thank you enough.

Have a great night. Thank you.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[IMPERCEPTIBLE]