All language subtitles for Pepe1

[Mock Foreign Accent]
Hello.

I am Andy...

and I would like to thank you
for coming to my movie.

I wish it was better,
you know,

but... it is so stupid.

It's terrible.
I-I do not even like it.

All of the most important
things in my life...

a-a-are changed around
and mixed up...

for, um--

uh, dramatic purposes.

So...

I decided to cut out...

all of the baloney.

Now the movie
is much shorter.

In fact,

this... is the end
of the movie.

Thank you very much.

I am not fooling.

Good-bye.

Go.

[Orchestra]

[Ends]

[Needle Scratching Record]

[Orchestra Resumes]

-
- [Gasps]

[Ends]

[Needle Scratching]

- [Needle Scratching]
- [Distorted]

[Resumes]

[Normal Voice]
Wow. You're still here.

O-kay!

I hope you're not upset.

I did that to get rid
of those folks who just...
wouldn't understand me...

and don't even want to try.

Actually, the movie
is really great.

It's just filled
with colorful characters,

like the one I just did
and the one I'm doing now.

Our story begins...

back in Great Neck,
Long Island.

This is our house.

And that's
my father's old car.

That's my father.

That's my little brother
Michael.

That's my little sister
Carol.

- And that's my mom.
- [Man] Janice?

Andy's up in his room?

Yeah.

[Muffled Talking]

Mr. Bear is saying that Mrs. Cat
made his head fall off.

She saw it
And it's not true.

Today's special guest,
Mr. Bear.

- What's up, Mr. Bear?
- Andy?

[Door Closes]

Son, this has got to stop.

Our house is not
a television station.

There's not a camera
in that wall.

I mean, this is not healthy.
You should be outside playing sports.

But I have
my own sports show.

Andy, you know that's
not what I meant.

Look, I'm gonna put my foot down.
No more playing alone.

- You want to perform, you
have got to have an audience.
- They're right there!

That is not an audience.
That is plaster.

An audience is made of people,
people who live and breathe.

Andy Kaufman
and Howdy Doody present...

"The Animal Song"!

I'm gonna say the animal,
and then you tell me what it says.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- Oh, the cow goes--
- Moo.

- And the cat goes--
- Meow! Meow!

And the bird goes--

- Tweet, tweet.
- Tweet, tweet!

And the lion goes--

[Low Voice]Roar!

- And the dog goes
- [Audience] Ruff.

- And the cat goes
- Meow.

- And the bird goes
- Tweet.

- And the pig goes
- Oink.

And that's the way
it goes

- [Man] The comedy stylings
of Andy Kaufman.
- Thank you.

So, Mr. Besserman,
same spot tomorrow?

[Sighs] I don't know, Andy.
I think I have to let you go.

You're firing me?

You-- You don't
even pay me.

I don't want to seem insulting,
but your act is like amateur hour.

You're doing sing alongs
for six-year-olds and puppets
that aren't funny.

- Playing records?
- But it's totally original.

No one's ever done it.
I'm not like everyone else.

Well, everybody else
gets this place cookin'.

I thought it was cooking.
There was a man over here
that was really upset.

He stormed out,
and a lot of other people left
in the middle of your act.

- I can't sell booze--
- It's not about comedy.
It's not about art.

- It's about booze.
- I can't sell booze when you're
singing "Pop Goes the Weasel."

- That's all that matters.
- I'm running a business here.

It's show business.
Show business. Show business.

Without the business,
there's no show.

- There's no show for you.
- Wh-What do you want me to do?

- "Take my wife, please"?
- At least it's a joke. Try some jokes.

Like, "Why did the Siamese twins
go to England?"

I don't know.
Why did they go to England?

So the other one
could drive.

But why doesn't the other one
just learn how to drive?

Whew. Maybe that one
isn't for you.

But do jokes about the traffic,
do impressions,

maybe some blue material.

[Sniffles]

[Audience Laughing]

[Audience Laughing]

Thank you very much.
Goodnight!

[Piano]

[Piano Continues]

- [Ends]
- Now?

- Now.
- [Scattered Applause]

[Mock Foreign Accent]
Thank you very much.

One thing I do not like...

is too much traffic.

You know?

Tonight
I had to come...

from... uh--

- [Man Laughs]
- A-And the freeway,

it-it was so much traffic.

I-It took me an hour
and a half to get here.

[Woman Laughing]

But-- But...

talking about
the terrible things--

My wife-- take my wife.
Please take her.

Ugh.

[Snorting Laugh]
No.

No. I am only fooling.

- [Scattered Laughter]
- [Andy Laughing]

I-- I-I love my wife,

but she don't know
how to cook.

Her cooking is so bad.

- It's terrible.
- [Man Laughs]No.

Now I-I would like to--

I would like
to do for you...

the imitations.

I would like to start...

with the--
the Jimmy Carter.

The president
of the United States.

[Same Accent]
Hello, I am Jimmy Carter,

- [Scattered Laughter]
- the president of the United States.

God!

[Audience Murmuring]

Thank you very much.

And now I would like
to do for you...

the--

the Elvis Presley.

[Groaning, Laughing]

["Also Sprach Zarathustra"]

[Wolf Whistle]

[One Person Applauding]

[Continues]

[Audience Whistling, Applauding]

[Cheering]

Well, it's one for the money
two for the show
three to get ready

Now go, cat, go
Now, don't you

Step on my blue
suede shoes

Well, you can do anything
but lay off of
my blue suede shoes

Let's go, cat!

[Whistling]

Budd, what's the story
with this guy?

I think he's
from Lithuania.

Oh, blue, blue
blue suede shoes

Baby, blue, blue
blue suede shoes, honey

Blue, blue
blue suede shoes, baby

Blue, blue
blue suede shoes

You can do anything
but lay off of
my blue suede shoes

Oh, well
we were dancin'

- [Cheering]
- We were dancin'

To the jailhouse rock

All right!

- [Cheering]
- [Repeated Chords]

[Final Chord]

[Cheering Continues]

Whoo!

- [Applause Quiets]
- [Foreign Accent]
Thank you very much.

Hey, I really enjoyed your set.

I didn't mean to startle you.
I really liked what you did out there.

Thank you very much.

So I understand
you're from Lithuania.

No, I am from Caspiar.

Caspiar, huh?

It is a very small island
in the Caspian Sea.

It sunk.

Oh, I'm sorry. Uh--
[Clears Throat]

Look, uh, I'm probably
out of my mind,

but I think you're
very interesting,

and if you ever need representation,
we should talk.

Okay.

"George Shapiro."
[Normal Voice] Mr. Shapiro.

Wow.

- It is an honor, sir.
- Caspiar, huh?

I wanna be the biggest star
in the world.

Well, people
love comedians.

I'm not a comedian.
I don't do jokes.

I don't even know what's funny.
I'm a song-and-dance man.

- Oh, yeah.
- Thank you.

Uh, I particularly suggest
the lotus root.

[Sighs]

Um, but y-y-you, uh,

you know, you show
a lot of promise.

And my concern is
I don't know where to book you.

You're not a stand-up,
and, uh,

your act doesn't exactly
translate itself to film, so--

Um--

So help me.
Where do you see yourself?

Well, I've always wanted
to play Carnegie Hall.

[Laughing]
That's funny.

See, I don't want to go
for cheap laughs.

I want real gut reactions.

I want the audience
to have gone through an experience.

They love me, they hate me,
they walk out. It's all great.

- Andy, you got a little something--
- Hmm?

- Oh.
- [Blows Air Out Nose]

When I'm famous,
I'm gonna sell these,

as worn by Andy Kaufman.

You can have this one.

It's probably gonna be worth a lot
'cause it was actually up my nose.

You're insane!

But you might also
be brilliant.

Hello.
George Shapiro here.

[Man On Speaker Phone]
Uh... yeah!
Is this George Shapiro ?

- Yeah, speaking.
- Speaking!

Reeking, seeking, creaking.
Freaking!

Big freaking deal! Tell me something
I don't know, toadstool!

Can I help you
with something?

Yeah, you can stay away
from Andy Kaufman,
if you know what's good for you.

- Crankshaft!
- Who is this?

Do not twist my noodle,
toy poodle!

This is Tony Clifton,
a name to respect, a name to fear!

- Kaufman is a lying bastard.
He is a psychopath!
- [Gong Sounds]

[Woman]
Now slowly open your eyes.

You should feel rested,
relaxed and alert.

Uh, I would like to thank you,
Your Holiness.

My heart is radiating
pure energy.

- Okay--
- Oh, no. Wait.

Wait. Uh-- I'm sorry.

Uh, I have a question.

Is there--

Is there a secret
to being funny?

[People Chuckling]

Yes.

Silence.

- [Band: Upbeat]
- [Applause]

- [Band: Upbeat]
- [Applause]

Welcome back
to Saturday Night Live.

And now, as a special treat
on our first show,

musical guest
Andy Kaufman!

[Man Laughs]

[Scattered Laughter]

What's wrong
with this guy?

[Man Laughing]

This is dead air.

[Record: Band]

[Men]
Mr. Trouble never
hangs around

When he hears
this mighty sound

- Here I come
to save the day
- [Audience Laughing]

That means that Mighty Mouse
is on his way

Yes, sir, when there is
a wrong to right

Mighty Mouse
will join the fight

On the sea
or on the land

He gets the situation
well in hand

[Male Solo]
So though we are in danger
we never despair

'Cause we know that
where there's danger
he is there

- He is there
on the land, on the sea
- [Scattered Laughter]

[Chorus]
In the air

- We're not worrying
at all
- [Laughter]

We're just listening
for his call

- Here I come
to save the day
- [Laughter, Applause]

That means that Mighty Mouse
is on the way

- Mr. Kaufman?
- Hmm? Oh.

Hi. Right this way,
please.

- Okay.
- George is expecting you.

- [Door Opens]
- Hey, Andy.

[Chuckles]
Hey.

- Thanks for coming out.
- Oh, thank you, George.

- Come on, sit down.
- Um, oh.

- Wow, they're-- Which one?
- Either one.

- They're both red.
- Yeah.

This one, I guess.

- So did you have a nice flight?
- I-I did.

I had a really good flight,
and the stewardess was very, very nice.

And she allowed me
to keep my headphones.

- Oh, that's terrific!
- Yep. Mm-hmm.

Andy,
I got something better.

- You do?
- Yeah.

This is big.

Okay.

- Okay?
- Okay.

You are getting
a once-in-a-lifetime,

very lucrative
opportunity...

to star on a prime time
network sitcom!

- A sitcom?
- Yeah.

And this is a class act.

It all takes place
in a taxi stand.

And you're gonna be
the Fonzie.

I'm... Fonzie?

No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no.

The Fonzie, the crazy,
breakout character...

who all the kids
imitate,

and they put him
on the lunch boxes.

- I hate sitcoms, George.
I've never liked them.
- Hold on.

- These guys have seen
your foreign man character.
- Yeah?

And they wanna
turn him...

into a lovable,
goofy mechanic...

named--

Latka.
[Chuckles]

[Groans]

- Uh, no.
- No?

- No.
- No to which part?

No to the whole thing.
It doesn't sound good to me.

- Andy, this is every
comedian's dream!
- I'm not a comedian.

A-And sitcoms are the lowest
form of entertainment.

I mean, it's just...

stupid jokes
and canned laughter!

And you don't know why
it's there, but it's there.

It's dead people laughing.
Did you know that?
Those people are dead!

This is--
This is classy.

I-I don't care.

I-I wanna generate
my-my own material.

Look, I-listen.
[Sighs] Listen to me.

Look, I've been in this business
for 20 years!

I know. I've seen this!
I know this.

If you pass up
this opportunity,

you will never, never see
another one like it again.

Never!

- Yeah.
- [Sighs]

- Okay. I'll do it.
- Ah.

- But I have some terms.
- Oh, sure.

That's-- That's what
negotiations are all about.

- What are you doing?
- I'm writing out my terms.

[Sighs]

Wh-- What, are you
making fun of me?

- Those are my terms.
- Th-This is ridiculous.

It's what I need.
It's what I need to do the show.

Wh-What is this?
It says, "Four guaranteed
guest spots for Tony Clifton."

- Who's Tony Clifton?
- He's a Vegas lounge singer.

And, um, I used to do
impressions of him,

and we sort of got
into a fight over it.

- This Clifton called me.
- He did?

- He's a loon! He hates you.
- No, no, no.

He just talks tough,
but I owe him.

And if I'm the new Fonz,

then ABC is just gonna have to...
give me what I want!

[Imitating Fonzie]
Hey!

[George]
Mr. Kaufman will only appear
in half the episodes of Taxi.

Mr. Kaufman requires
an undisturbed 90 minutes
of meditation prior to filming.

Uh, Mr. Kaufman gets
his own network special.

And, uh, Taxi
must guarantee...

four guest appearances
for Tony Clifton.

Who? Who?

Tony Clifton.

Who the hell
is Tony Clifton?

Uh--

I don't know.

- [Band]
- [Man] And now--

- [Band]
- [Man] And now--

now Mama Rivoli's
is proud to present...

an international
singing sensation!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Tony Clifton!

- Ha!
- [Drum Roll]

Come on.

[Muffled Yelling]

[Angry Shouting]

[Tony]
All right, all right!

Ladies and gentlemen,
uh,

due to Mr. Clifton's
vocal constraints,
out of respect for him,

he asks that
if you please extinguish...

your smoking material,
your cigars and cigarettes.

Goddamn! I paid ten bucks
for that cigar!

Uh, I'm sorry.

- Is he joking?
- And now,

ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Entertainment,

Tony Clifton!

- [Angry Murmuring]
- [Man] What does
he think he's doing?

Vo...

[Sustains Note]

...lare, whoa

Ca-wa-wa-wa-wa-wantare
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

No wonder
my happy heart sings

Your love
has given me wings

I got the wings
of a dove

I got the wings

- [Band Stops]
- I got the chicken wings
from Kentucky Fried--

Whoop-de-doo,
whoop-de-di!

Stick a-a needle
in your eye!

- Oh, my God.
- Let's get somethin'
straight, people.

I play big showrooms
in Vegas.

I need this place like I need
a shotgun blast to the face!

Now, let's go do wn andmeet
some ofthe audience.

All right.

How are you all doin'?
Where you from? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [Scattered Laughter]

Whoa! Somebody's wearin'
a lot of perfume around here!

- Must be that time
of the month, huh?
- [Audience Groaning]

Yeah, I know all the tricks.
How are you doin'?

You havin' a-- You enjoyin' that
pasta carbonara?

- [Giggling]
- It appears that you are.

Whoops! Hey, look out!
I think you sat in some cottage cheese.

- Oh, pardon me. That's your ass.
- [Groans]

Aww!
[Choking, Groaning]

[Nervous Laughing]

How you doin'?
You enjoyin' the show?

- Yeah.
- Huh?

- Yeah.
- What's your name?

Bob.

Bob! Bo-o-ob!

Bo-o-ob! Bo-o-ob!

- What's your last name?
Up and down in the water?
- Ugh.

Huh?

Gorsky.

- Gorsky? That Polish?
- Yeah.

You tryin' to do
some Polish humor?

- No, that's, uh--
- Shut up!

- That's just my name.
- Shut up!

I do not appreciate,
uh, racial slurs!

I think them dumb Polacks
been ridiculed enough.

I do a clean show here.

You wanna see some humor?
Here's some humor right here.

Right there, okay?
Awww!

- [Audience Groans]
- Sit down and enjoy that, okay?

And you-- Shapiro!

I'll see you backstage, baldy.

Vo...

- [Band]
- ...lare

[People Chattering]

What do you want?

Just a little friendly conversation,
George.

- [Sighs]
- You hungry?

You look thin!

[Exhales]
Y-You-You--

Italiano, cacciatore
scallopini, pasta fazool

I don't understand
this act.

It's good, old-fashioned
entertainment, George.
Everyone loves a villain.

- What about that poor schlub
you humiliated?
- Hey, man, excellent show.

- That was a great show.
- Yeah, good show for you. Um, George.

This is, uh, my writer
and old friend Bob Zmuda.

Hey, George.
How are you? I'm Bob.

- He's very creative.
- Yes.

- I am the brains
behind this operation.
- Dream on.

He once faked a lion escaping
from the Chicago Zoo.

This was fantastic,
George.

We got 40 actors
tearin' through the zoo,
they're all screamin'.

- Closed the place down.
- "There's a fuckin' lion, man! A lion!"

- [Laughing]
- Your name's not Gorsky.

Don't believe everything
you hear, George.

This cannot leave
this room.

Do not write this down,
okay?

Tony Clifton
is Andy Kaufman.

And Andy Kaufman
is Tony Clifton.

They'll deny it up and down,
but believe me, it's true.

This is great business.

You get two Andy Kaufmans
for the price of one.

[Chortling]

- Andy. Andy.
- What's up?

They said yes.
You're gettin' everything. Everything!

- [Game Theme Song]
- Bonus.

- Whatever you want.
- Bonus! Thank you very much.

- It was so good.
- I have to do Taxi, though, right?

- You gotta do Taxi.
- Okay.

[Sitar]

[Audience Laughing]

[Foreign Man Accent]
Party time for Latka?

- Not until you take off
those overalls.
- This is a good party.

No, no, Latka!
Listen to me. Listen to me.

There's a drug
in those cookies.

- [Gasps] No!
- [Laughter]

No. No!

- [Laughter]
- ["Taxi Theme Song"]

Bed?

[Blubbering]
I have never been so emotional...

in all my life.

And this is for my mother,
and this is for my father!

And this is for
my grand father!

[Laughter]

I hope you have
a small family.

[Rhythmic Shouting
In Mock Foreign Language]

[Babbling
In Mock Foreign Language]

[Continues, Spits]

[Giggling]

- Ohh!
- Whee-ooh!

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you very much.

- Thank you very much!
- [Cheering]

- I'm gonna quit.
- What?

Every show is worse
than the last one.

Forty million people
are watching your ass
every week, Kaufman.

- What do they know?
- Absolutely nothing!
And that's the beauty.

Man, look,
it's credibility.

You make them love you now,
and then later on,

on your special,
you can fuck with their heads.

The sky is the limit, man.

Oh, yeah?
I don't care!

Sir, there 's a problem
down on the Kaufman special.

- They say he's not following
the technical requirements.
- Technical?

Thanks for coming
on my show.

Thanks for having me
on your show, Andy.

- [Andy] Right now, roll it!
- [Man] No.

It's my special!
I have creative control. Now roll it!

- No!
- Do it, man!

- [Laughs] Hey, Andy! Hi.
- Be careful, please.

Only positive energy allowed
beyond this point.

I've been hearing fabulous things
about the special.

What, did we hit
a little speed bump?

Mm-hmm,
and his name is Colin.

Kid Genius told me to mess
with the vertical hold.

- Show me.
- Show him.

Show him, Colin.

[Sighs]

Thanks for having me
on your show, Andy.

Boy, it sure--

[Andy Giggling]

It'll be great. People will think
their TV is broken.

They'll get out of their chairs,
walk over to the TV,

twist the knobs,
call the TV store.

"I paid a lot of money
for that TV!"

They'll bang on the television,
but they won't be able to fix it!

Andy. Andy.

We don't want the viewers
to get out of their chairs.

But it's funny.

It's a practical joke.

The viewer must be able
to see the program.

But-- But it's only
gonna be for 30 seconds.

- Five.
- Twenty.

Ten.

Deal.

- Okay, Andy. Ten seconds, huh?
- Ten seconds, okay.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Ten seconds is all
I really wanted.
- Ten seconds is perfect.

[Circus]

You know, Howdy, I've been watching you
since I was a little boy.

I didn't even know
what television was.

Oh, look at how cute he is, huh?
Isn't this great?

- That is so moving.
- [Andy] You're as real
as anyone else on the show.

And I love you.
I really do.

This is not funny.

This is artsy-fartsy shit.
I mean, what--

This is the magical part of the show.
The show's not all like this.

It's hysterical.
It gets very funny.

For Christ's sakes,
we're the number one network.
Can't we afford a decent TV?

No, no, no, th-that's
part of the show.

- This is part of the show?
- Yes.

What do you mean,
it's part of the show?

Th-That's the way Andy wants it,
with the rolling.

[Howdy Doody] Thanks, Andy.
I love you too.

Tell Kaufman this network
will never air this program.

Hey, that's
Andy Kaufman.

Do you wanna bet?

Hey. Hey.

Hey, excuse me.
Are you Andy Kaufman?

I get that all the time.

Andy.

This is ridiculous.

Take off that apron.

No. I'd rather work here
than at ABC.

- Ah, I'm sorry.
They're a bunch of assholes.
- Yeah.

We work in a creative business.
There's no telling what people
are gonna like or dislike.

The only reason why I did Taxi--
the only reason--

was so that I could
have my own special.

I know.
I'll tell you what.

Let me book you
some colleges now,

and then I'll take
the special around.

I'll show it to people
and see if anybody wants to buy it.

We'll have a garage sale.
No, I'm over and out.

- You know, you're not over and out.
- I am over and out.

- You can't be over and out.
- I'll show you over and out.

You've got a deal with ABC.
You've gotta honor it.

All right. How much longer's left
on my contract?

You signed for five years,
so...

- four years and seven months.
- [Groans]

Thank you.

It's really great
to be here.

We're gonna have
a great show tonight.

- Really good one!
- [Cheering]

We're gonna-- We're gonna start
by singing some songs.

- Do Latka!
- [Man] Yeah, Latka!

Come on, Latka!

[Audience Cheering,
Shouting "Latka"]

[Chanting]
Latka! Latka! Latka!

- Latka! Latka!
- Excuse me for one second.

- I saw that.
- What?

- Give me the book.
- What book? No, I'm not
going to give you the book.

- Is something wrong?
- No, everything's okay. Fine.

- Can I squeeze your nuts? Thanks.
- Ohh!

They're askin' for it.

[Cheering]

Ladies and gentlemen,
since you're such a...

special audience--

- [Cheering]
- Yeah!

I'm going to reveal
for the very first time,

ever, the real me.

- [Cheering]
- That's right.

Ahem. [British Accent]
I'm actually British.

And though I dabble in clowning,
I do find it so boorish,

so... American.

I prefer the fine arts,
henceforth, today...

I am going to grace you
with a reading...

of one of the greatest
novels ever written,

The Great Gatsby
by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

[Scattered Laughing]

Please.

"In my younger
and more vulnerable years,

my father gave me some advice
that I've been turning over
in my mind ever since.

'Whenever you feel
like criticizing anyone,'
he told me,

- [Man] Latka!
- 'just remember that all
the people of this world...

- Latka!
- haven't had the advantages
that you've had.'

But he'd always been unusually
communicative in a reserved way,

- [Shouting]
- and I understood
that he meant...

- a great deal more than that."
- [Shouting Continues]

[Audience Quiets, Laughing]

[As Latka]
Thank you very much.

[All]
Yeah!

- "In consequence,
- [Moaning]

I'm inclined
to reserve all judgments,

- a habit that has opened up
many curious natures to me...
- [Booing]

and also made me the victim
of not a few veteran bores."

- Oh, come on!
- No, no. No, no.

No, no, please keep it down.
We've got a long way to go.

"They were the same people,

or at least the same sort of people,
the same profusion of--"

I tell you what.

Would you rather I kept reading,
or do you prefer to hear
the phonograph record?

[All]
Record!

- I'm sorry. I can't hear you.
- Record!

- Are you positive?
- Yeah!

- Very well then.
- [Man] Yeah, "Mighty Mouse"!

[Andy, British Accent]
"His presence gave the evening
it's quality of oppressiveness.

It stands out in my memory
from Gatsby's other parties
that summer."

The green light,
the orgiastic future...

that year by year recedes before us.
[Clears Throat]

[Coughs]

[Hoarse Voice] Tomorrow--
[Clears Throat]

Tomorrow
we will run faster,

stretch our arms out
further,

and one fine morning,

so we beat on,
boats against the current,

borne back ceaselessly...

into the past."

The end.

All right!

[George]
You wanna play Arizona State?

You give 'em Mighty Mouse.
You give 'em Elvis.

- I-I gave them The Great Gatsby.
- Yes.

- F. Scott Fitzgerald's best work.
- A classic.

- His finest piece of work.
- I don't care.

[Sighs]

Andy.

Andy, you have to look inside
and ask this question.

Who are you trying
to entertain?

The audience
or yourself?

- Excuse me.
- [Clears Throat]

- Ah.
- [Door Closes]

- Bob. Bob, I'm-I'm--
- What, George?

I'm worried about Andy.

This is not good. His stress level
is affecting his work.

Calm down, George.
That's not gonna help anything.

Look, uh,

Tony Clifton is gonna go on Taxi
next week.

That should, uh,
let him blow off steam
and relieve the stress.

- Bob, Bob, Bob.
- Okay?

Andy needs to relax.
This is your job.

- You have to take him away
from all of this.
- My job.

- Would you come on?
- [Muttering] Okay.

Sh--

- Hi. How are you doin' today?
- Fine.

- Hello. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

- How are you?
- Peachy.

Oh.

Yeah

- What do-- What do we do now?
- Now you pick.

But what if I...
hurt somebody's feelings?

For Christ's sake, you're not
gonna hurt anybody's feelings.

They're-- They're all professionals.
All right?

Okay.

All right.
Which one?

[German Accent]
I will have both!

I will have this fraulein
und the one with the big strudels.

Mach schnell,
mach schnell!

Oh, no. Zmuda,
I'm gonna kill you.

Excellent choice.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Are you having
a good day?

[Clears Throat]
It's kind of a big day.

It's my buddy's first time
with a prostitute.

What are you talkin' about?
Andy comes here almost every weekend.

Who, Andy?

Oh, he doesn't always
call himself that.

Sometimes he's Tony,
and he wears a tux.

- Yeah
- Oh, ho!

[Screaming]

[Screeching]

- [Giggling]
- [Grunting]

[Grunts]

Hey, um,

if-- if I gave you both...

three hundred dollars,

would you, um,

come to Hollywood and help me
destroy a TV show?

Five hundred.

[Loud Crashing, Muffled Shouting]

What am I, Harry Houdini, huh?

Oh, we busted through.
Come on, girls.

Welcome to
the Follies "Bree-gere."

- Okay, here's the man. Tony Clifton.
- Taxi, laxy.

- Just the factsy, Maxie.
- Hi.

Hey, hot shot.
How you doin'?

- Ed Weinberger.
- Take a hike! Okay, all right, huh?

All right.

- What are we doin', huh?
- Here's your script, uh, Tony.

- That's the script I was given?
- Yeah.

That's the one I have to do?
Okay, let me see.

Okay, bullshit, bullshit,
my line.

Bullshit, bullshit,
my line.

Ohh! Ha-ha!

That's hilarious!
That is hilarious!

I reviewed that script last night
and I was not satisfied.

- Yeah, well--
- I was not satisfied.

- Why don't we--
- So I made a few changes.

I stayed up all night
with these sweet ladies right here.

This is Lemonade.

- That'll keep you going
on a hot day.
- Can we get to work?

And this is Melonia.
How's my little produce department?

Honk, honk, honk,
honk, honk.

This is the new Taxi
theme song.

[Tuneless Humming]

Oh, yes
we drive a taxi

[High-pitched]
Aaaah!

Aaaah!

Aah-aah-aah-aah-ahh!

George.

Now, I can't afford
to blow this whole episode, so...

we have to let him go.

[Sighs]

I'm not sure how Andy's
gonna take this.

We'll just have to
go down and tell him.

But-But that's Tony down there.
It's not Andy.

I don't give a fuck who that is.
I'm gonna fire him.

Okay. All right.

But we better
warn Andy first.

He's up in San Francisco
doin' a concert.

- I'll call my secretary.
- [Dial Tone Hums]

Diane, this is George.

- I'm trying to reach Andy
up in San Francisco.
- [Diane] Okay.

- I'll patch you through.
- I'll wait.

- [Andy] Hello.
- Andy, I'm gonna put you
on the speaker.

- Hello, Andy. Hi.
- Hello ?

- I'm here with Ed over at Taxi.
- Hi, Ed.

- Hi, Andy.
- How are you?

- I'm fine.
- Good.

- Andy, there's been
some trouble with Tony.
- Oh, no.

Did-- Did he get hurt?

- [Both] No.
- Andy, it's nothing like-- No.

- Did he hurt someone else?
- No, no. It's not that.

Andy, uh, the reason
I'm calling you like this...

is I have the utmost respect
for your artistry.

Well, may I say that I've
always appreciated that, Ed.

Thank you, but you see,
in this instance, um,

I have to ask your
permission to fire Tony.

Oh, my.

George, this
is gonna kill Tony.

- He's waited for this his whole life.
- There'll be other shots.

Yeah, we have to do this.
He's just a terrible actor.

Okay, but please,
let him down gently.

Trust us.

Fuck you!
I'm not goin'!

We had a deal.

I don't know who you talked to.
I didn't talk to anybody.

- You must have talked to someone else!
- I was talkin' to Andy Kaufman!

- I don't know no Andy Kaufman!
- Okay.

- Security, get in here!
- [A ll Shouting]

[Ed]
Security!

- [Crashing]
- Aah.

- [Shouting]
- [Metal Clangs]

[Shouting Continues]

[George]
Don't hurt him!

- He's a talented man!
- I don't want any pictures
leaving this set.

Hey, give me that! This is Zmuda!
He's one of 'em!

- You guys ever go to Vegas,
- Yeah, yeah.

you're not gettin' in!

Hey, come back!
Give me the camera! Come here!

- Give me the camera!
- What?

I got 20 bucks says
you work for me now!

I would like
to use the phone!

- Not on the lot, sir.
- How 'bout a bathroom?
I may have shit my pants.

- Drink of water? Aspirin?
- Nope.

- Moist towelette?
- No.

In that case, it has been an honor.
"Good-bee"!

[Laughing]
This is great!

This is too much, man.

It makes Tony real,
gives him three dimensions.

It's good for his career,
George.

Oh, really? You wanna book Tony Clifton
at Harrah's Tahoe.

I know the college kids
really like Andy Kaufman.

No, no, no. L-Look, Gene,
let me be really clear about this.

If you book Tony,
do not expect to get Andy.

Yeah, yeah, well,
I'll take my chances, all right?

- [Chuckling]
- [Sighs]

All right.
Be my guest. Book him.

[Low Murmuring,
Silverware Clattering]

Shut up!

Shut the hell up,
all of ya!

You make one more sound,
I'll come down there and put
your frickin' head in the soup!

Whew.

When I go like this,
it means I-I expect total silence!

There is an artiste
on stage.

That's better.

- Oh, whether I'm right
- [Laughter]

Or whether I'm wrong

Oh, whether I find
a place in this world

Or never belong

I've got to be me

I've gotta be me

Willing to try
to do it or die

Yaah! Hah!
Aah!

- [Gasping]
- What?

[Tony]
Thank you very much!

Thank you.
I do all my own stunts.

I've got to be

[Voice Breaks]
Eeee

Eeee-eee

What the hell's
goin' on?

- Kaufman?
- [High-pitched Babbling]

[Continues]

Kaufman's crappin'
on my act!

[Babbling
In Different Octaves]

Where's it say Kaufman's
in the act?

[Babbling, Sobbing]

[Babbling,
Low Squawking]

- May I borrow this for a second?
- Oh, no.

[Laughter, Cheering]

- No!
- [Gasping]

Ah, now you are
all wet, huh?

You look like you could use
a little drink up there.

Why don't you go on,
get out of here!

- [Audience Booing]
- Why don't you just
take off, Kaufman!

Get out of here,
little drummer boy!

- Stay!
- [Booing]

- I've got to be
- Don't leave, Andy! Come back!

[High Note, Voice Breaks]
Eeee

- Go home!
- Volare

- Whoa-oh
- [Booing Continues]

Ca-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa
wantare

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Uhh! Ah!

Jesus Christ.
Close the goddamn door. Close it!

Oh. Look at you.

You're so proud.

You're like some stupid kid
who comes home from school--

"Look, Dad,
I got an 'F.'"

But wasn't it funny?

"Yes, it was funny, Andy.
It was."

[Giggles]

Yes, it was funny
for a little while,

until the audience realized
that Tony wasn't you.

Oh. Mmm.
Ohhh!

So what do you have here?

A big, elaborate joke that's only funny
to two people in the universe--

you and you.

Yeah, sure, George, yeah,
and we happen to think
that it's hilarious.

- [Yells]
- [Yells]

But what's the point?
What is the point?

It's fun, George!

How is this gonna make you
the biggest star in the world?

[Coughs]

George...
[Clears Throat]

at this point the audience
expects me to completely
shock them all the time.

But short of faking my own death
or setting the theater on fire,

I don't know
what else to do.

'Cause I've always gotta be
one step ahead of them.

Whoa-ohh!

It's like ballet. Whoa!

Did you see that?

- Bam!
- [Grunts]

[Commentator]
...dropped to the canvas--

These guys are brilliant.
I wanna be a bad guy wrestler
in the worst way.

I hate to break it to you,
but the problem here is
you don't have the build for it.

These guys are huge.

They would kick your ass.

Maybe I can pick on someone
a little smaller than me.

No, no. Women are superior to men
in many ways.

- [Cheering]
- That's right.

- When it comes to cooking,
cleaning, washing potatoes,
- [Jeering, Shouting]

scrubbing the carrots,
making the babies,

mopping the floors,

they have it
all over men.

But when it comes
to wrestling--

- [Booing]
- Shut up!

Be quiet
when a man is talking!

[Booing, Shouting Continues]

If there is a woman here tonight
who can come up here
and prove me wrong,

I will shut my mouth
and pay her $500.

- [Cheering, Yelling]
- I can do it!

[Woman]
Right here!

First come,
first served!

[Andy] Come on!
You wanna take me?

[Bob]
Come on up here.

- What's your name, sweetheart?
- Lynne.

Lynne. We got Lynne
as a volunteer.

- Lynne, sweetheart, pay attention.
- You're pathetic!

We'll see about that,
Suzy Q

I want no kicking, biting,
scratching, head butts.
Do you understand?

- Why? He's gonna play fair?
- lam not concerned with him.

- He is a professional.
- It's up to you to pin me.

- Yes, I understand.
- Very good.
Could we please shake hands.

- Oooh!
- [Audience Booing]

[Bob] Come out wrestling
when you hear the bell.

- [Ring]
- [Audience Continues Shouting,
Booing]

[Lynne Yells]

You see?
You see this?

[Both Grunting]

Yeah! Whoa!

Hey, no choke holds!
I told you!

Yeah!
Come on!

Oww!

I said, break it up,
Kaufman!

- First warning!
- For what?

You pulled her hair!
You won't be getting
a second warning!

- [Audience Yelling, Booing]
- Shut up!

I am the champion!
No woman can beat--

- Ohh!
- [Lynne Groaning]

- Ohh!
- Come on! Ohh!

One! Two!

Three! That is it!

It is over! It is over!
That is it!

You are out!
You are down!

The winner and undisputed
intergender wrestling
champion of the world,

Andy Kaufman!

I am the winner!

I've got the brains!

[Booing, Yelling Continue]

[Clucking Melody From
"Lucia Di Lammermoor"]

[Clucking Continues]

- Ma'am, here is your
complimentary photo of Merv.
- Thank you.

- And your Turtle Wax.
- I don't want Turtle Wax.

Every guest of Merv
takes Turtle Wax.

- And here is your gift voucher
to Red Lobster.
- Thank you so much.

Hey, hey, hey.
I just wanted to thank you
for doing such a great job.

- I really appreciate it.
- Don't patronize me.

- Wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What?

I hope you don't take
everything I did in there seriously.

It's just
part of the show.

It's like the old days
of the carnival barker...

when he'd get the crowd
all riled up.

So you just pretend
to be an asshole?

That's what I'm good at.

Yeah, you are.

You are really, really good at it.
You are.

[Whistles]

Merv Griffin got 2,000 pieces
of hate mail.

[Giggles]
Don't make me laugh, George.

Andy, Merv does not
get hate mail.

That means
we're a success.

Oh.

We got the room all worked up,
like punk rock.

They detest you.

The next time you make an appearance,
women are gonna picket.

Do you think so?

Yes, because you have not given them
any clues that this is a parody.

That's because I've only done it once.
They'll get used to it.

Because I'm gonna do it
again and again...

- and again and again
and again and again--
- [Bell Rings]

[Andy]
Oh, Rose Marie

- I love you
- [Woman Screaming]

[Groans]

- I'm always dreaming
- [Screaming]

Of you

No matter what I do

- Aaah!
- No matter what I do

- I can't forget you
- [Groaning]

Sometimes
I wish that I'd

Never met you

- [Screaming]
- [Grunting]

And yet if I

Should lose you

- Time out!
- [Woman Yells]

It would mean
my very life

- What's your problem?
- To me

All right,
you are out of here!

Of all the queens
that ever lived

- [Bell Rings]
- I choose you

To rule me

- My Rose Marie
- Two adults, please. Thank you.

- You want some popcorn?
- Um, no, thank you.

I really want one.

Um, a large tub of popcorn, please.
Extra butter.

Why did you call me?
You are the last person
I expected to call me.

Gosh, uh--
Gee, Lynne, I mean--

I was just so impressed
with your wrestling moves.

Yeah, you're impressed
with something.

- You had a huge boner
on national television.
- Oh, man!

- Yes, you did!
- Come on.

I had it taped down
and everything.

I hope
I didn't offend you.

I'm here, aren't I?

Hey, wanna go to Memphis
and get married?

Do I wanna go to Memphis
and get married?

- Mm-hmm.
- Wh-- [Giggles]

Why Memphis?

Because Memphis is the wrestling capital
of the world.

I'll get up in the ring...

and I'll announce that I'll marry
the first woman who beats me.

Then you can get up, we'll wrestle,
I'll let you win--

- You'll let me win?
- I'll let you win. I'll let you.

Then we'll run off and get married
on the David Letterman show.

- God!
- Okay?

What do you say?

Is this for real?

- Shut up!
- Boo!

- Shut up!
- [Crowd Jeering, Yelling]

I demand silence
when I am talking!

Total lack of respect
from Mr. Hollywood--

If there is one woman here tonight
who thinks she can defeat me,

that lucky little lady...

will get to marry me!

Let me ask you, folks--
What kind of man would
wrestle a woman anyway?

Kaufman!

- Kaufman!
- Oooh.

- Whoo!
- I'll take you on, you sissy.

Whoa! The little lady is upset!

Well, let me tell you something,
baby.

Go back to the kitchen
where you belong before you get hurt.

You get in the kitchen,
'cause I'm gonna make you do my dishes!

[Man]Hey!
Stop it! Stop it!

- This woman is a fake!
- [Crowd Goes Silent]

She's nothing more
than Andy Kaufman's girlfriend.

What?
Well, there you go.

- That's not true! That's not true!
- [Booing, Jeering Resume]

[Woman] Faker!

- That is not true!
- Oh, yeah, that's true.
This is all a setup.

I'm not gonna allow you to make fools
out of all these people.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Jerry Lawler,
the king of Memphis wrestling!

- He's the King.
- [Cheering, Shouting]

Hey, Kaufman,

if you wanna
wrestle somebody,

I brought a real wrestler.

She's trained,
and she's ready!

Let's see if you can handle
Foxy Jackson!

- [Cheering Intensifies]
- [Commentator] Oh, my!

Foxy Jackson and Andy Kaufman
right here, one-on-one!

I never agreed to this!
I will not do this!

Lawler, I did not agree to this.
This is against the rules!

[Commentator]
I don't think that Kaufman
is prepared for Foxy Jackson.

- Kick his butt!
- Mr. Hollywood.

Again, Kaufman showing
a total lack of respect.

Foxy Jackson's gonna take Kaufman
to the woodshed, folks.

Kaufman's hangin' on the ropes
like a little baby.

Foxy's about to take Kaufman
right out of his shorts!

[Shouting, Cheering Continue]

- One, two--
- Can you believe it?

- I got her!
- Get off of her!

[Commentator]
Get him off of her. Come on!

Now there goes the King.

Oh, the King just threw Kaufman down
like a rag doll!

The King took matters
into his own hands!

What are you doing?

I do not wrestle men!

I am gonna sue you,
Lawler!

I am a national TV star,

and I don't like
dumb, stupid crackers...

coming in the ring,
pushing me around!

I did not agree to wrestle you!
I did not agree!

This is assault
and battery,

and I'm gonna get a team of lawyers
to sue you...

and your children
and your children's children.

Let me tell you something,
Kaufman.

Wrestling's
a very serious sport to me,

and I don't appreciate some jerk
like you trying to make fun of it.

And I certainly don't appreciate
a jerk like you trying to make
fun of people from the South!

So we can go to court,

or you can get in the ring with a man
and wrestle for real!

Oh, you wanna
"rassle" me?

You wanna "rassle" me
Memphis style?

Well, let me tell you something,
Mr. Lawler-- I am gonna
make you scream for mercy!

[Crowd Continues Shouting]

[Bell Ringing]

Come on, Kaufman!

They didn't know
what hit them! Oh!

Is it an act?
Is it an act?

Or are you just addicted
to causing trouble?

I can quit
anytime I want, baby!

You know what?
I'm not a prop.

Don't ever treat me
like that again.

I'm sorry.
Hey. Hey.

Uh, I just get caught up,
that's all.

Sometimes I get lost.

Please, Andy,
enough with the wrestling.

You don't think
I can beat him?

He's the Southern heavyweight champion.
He'll kill you.

I don't know.

I've wrestled women bigger than him,
and I've mopped the floor with them.

First you piss off women.
Then you piss off the South.

Then you get killed,
and I did the booking.

Funny.

Listen, I got this job
that I want you to take.

It's guest-hosting
the TV show Fridays.

It's not a great TV show,
but it'll be good for you.

It's live,
they'll give you carte blanche...

and you get back in the business
of making people laugh.

- You said live?
- Live.

I don't do drug humor.

Andy, it's fine.
This is what the show is all about.

Kids love this stuff.

I don't do drugs,
and I don't enjoy making light of them.

I was promised
creative control.

Nobody promised you
creative control.

I got you the script
three days ago, and you haven't
said a damn word until today.

We're going live in a few minutes.
It's too late.

Let's go!
Bring the audience in!

- [Announcer] Live
from the Los Angeles Basin,
- Janice, it 's on!

it 's Fridays!

Special Guest Star:
Andy Kaufman!

[Man] In this sketch,
two married couples
are out to dinner.

Everybody has secretly
brought along a joint.

[Audience Laughs]

Carl was the last one
to sneak to the bathroom
to get a little high,

and now he's coming
back to the table.

[Audience Cheering, Applauding]

Gee, restaurants are amazing,
aren't they?

Strangers sitting around,
stuffing dead animals
into their faces.

- It's incredible, isn't it?
- [Laughs]

Yeah, gee,

and... the bathrooms...

are... so...
colorful--

[Smattering Of
Studio Audience Laughter]

[Coughing, Nervous Chuckling]

Everything okay... Carl?

I'm sorry.
I-- I just... can't do it.

I-- I can't play stoned.

Read the cue cards.

I can't play stoned.

I-- I feel... stupid.

You feel stupid?
What about us?

[Gasping, Murmuring,
Nervous Giggles]

I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- [Audience Continues
Murmuring, Giggling]

- [Gasps]
- Andy.

[Cheering, Laughing]

You didn't have to do that.

- [Audience Gasping]
- Cut it out!

Oh-- You jerk!

Okay, that's it.
Go to commercial now.

- I told you I didn't want
to do this sketch.
- Kaufman, get off my stage.

[All Gasping]

Don't you touch me!
You're a nut!

- Break it up!
- A nut!

- Settle down.
- [Scuffling Continues]

Oh, why does Andy do that?
Why? Why?

I started using Suave--

We've gone
to commercial!

- [Man] Excuse me!
- You're never
gonna work at ABC again!

Excuse me!
Ladies and gentlemen, please.

You have all just participated
in a happening.

Oh!

[Cheering, Applause]

Now, okay, you know,

to make it real, some of you
down there knew what was
going on and some of you didn't.

But we don't want
to upset the folks at home,

so now Andy is going to tell them
that it was all just a prank.

- [Applause]
- [Woman] Coming back
from commercial, and--

[Applause Quiets]

During
the commercials,

the people at ABC told me
to explain to you...

that this whole fight episode
was staged.

- Oh, good.
- It's a lie!

- It's a cover-up!
- [Audience Laughing]

Why are you laughing?
I don't understand.
I'm not being funny now.

What you saw was real!

No, these-- these things happen
all the time at the networks,
only they cut away.

- Cut to commercial.
- You see?

You see?

For sure they're gonna fire me,
so if you want to see me again
you'll have to come to Memphis--

- Ho ho ho
Green Giant
- What's in Memphis?

The Giant's flavor-tight pouch
Lets you--

That kid is totally meshuga.

[Crowd Screaming, Cheering]

[Crowd Screaming, Cheering]

- ["Theme From Rocky"]
- [Announcer] Jerry Lawler!

- [Continues]
- [Ring Announcer]
The most popular athlete...

in the history
of Memphis, Tennessee,

stepping inside
a squared circle.

At 236 pounds,

Jerry "The King" Lawler!

- [A Cappella:
"March And Fanfare"]
- And introducing,

at 191 pounds,

[Booing, Jeering]

the holder of the world
intergender championship,

here is Andy Kaufman!

[Commentator] You can hear
the ovation, or lack of one,
for Andy Kaufman.

The cheers turned to jeers.

Lawler is gonna settle a score
for each and every one of us,

because we've all been insulted
by this hideous Andy Kaufman
from Hollywood, California.

The referee
assigned to this bout--

[Booing, Jeering Continue]

Before we begin this event,

I just want to say a couple of things
to you disgusting people!

[Commentator] Oh, come on.
That's just not right.

Are you listening to me?

Okay!

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is a bar of soap.

- [Jeering Intensifies]
- Say it with me.

"Soap."

All you have to do is
wet this bar of soap...

and wipe your hands
with it...

and rub it on your body,

and soon that disgusting,
filthy dirt will come off!

Why is he
saying these things?

He's just engaging the audience.
He's riling them up.

They are going
to lynch him.

And now
for lesson two!

This is toilet paper!

[Commentator]
Oh, good grief!

- You just--
- [Cheering Intensifies]

I'm gonna tell you
something, Kaufman--
we've had enough of your crap!

Let's do what we came here to do.
Let's wrestle right now!

[Commentator] Well, here we go.
The King is ready.

And I hope, for Kaufman's sake,
he's ready.

- [Bell Rings]
- [Crowd Chanting]
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

[Commentator]
Kaufman's due a trip
to the old woodshed here.

Now, I never thought
I'd see the day that--

Yeah, look at Kaufman.

Yeah, Kaufman doesn't
want any part of Lawler.

He's an absolute
embarrassment to humanity,
this man from Hollywood.

You see?
I am from Hollywood!

- Who cares?
- I have the brains!

[Commentator]
Nobody cares where you're from!

I'm the king
I'm the king

I'm the king
of Memphis, Tennessee

Andy, please,
let's go home!

Don't worry, Mom.
I'll make you proud.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Uh-oh, Kaufman got nailed
with something.

- Some fan threw something.
- Who did that?

Who did that?

- You cannot touch me! I will sue you!
- Hey, Kaufman!

- I make more money in one day
than you do...
- Kaufman!

in your entire lives
combined!

Kaufman!

Did you come down here to wrestle
or act like an ass?

Now get in the ring.
I'll give you a free headlock.
Okay? Come on!

[Commentator]
Lawler seems to be willing to offer
a free hold of some kind.

No, no.
Drop it now, Andy!

It's okay!
It's okay!

Let Kaufman get in there,
and let's see what kind of man he is.

One, two, three--

- I can't believe that the King
is gonna go through with this.
- [Bell Rings]

That big-mouth son of a gun
has got a free headlock!

Business
may pick up here.

I did it!
This is for real!

Uh-oh.
Oh, look out, Kaufman!

Oh, there he goes!
Oh, my!

Kaufman in trouble!

Look out! Look out!

The King folded him up
like an accordion that time.

Now the King
is asking this crowd...

if they want to see
the pile driver.

That's illegal.

Kaufman is out of it!

Oh, my!
Oh, my!

- It's gonna be a pile driver!
- [Bell Ringing]

There it is!

Oh! Andy!

[Commentator]
He's hurt bad.

- That's an automatic
disqualification right there.
- Lawler, you--

Well, Kaufman wins it,
but he doesn't look
like a winner right now.

- Come on!
- Keep it clear. Keep it clear.

- Hey, George.
- Hey, Lorne.

- Thanks for seeing me
on such short notice.
- Oh, please.

Right, I wanted to
talk to you about, uh,

putting Andy back
on Saturday Night Live.

[Sighs] I don't know whether Andy
works on the show anymore.

- I mean,
the wrestling stuff is--
- Yeah, yeah.

- Just, I think it's worn--
- The wres--

Yeah, we all agree, uh,
completely about the wrestling.

That's smart.

Yeah, uh--

- Andy is very sincere.
- Right.

He's gonna apologize to
Jerry Lawler and repent for
all his bad guy shenanigans.

I apologize for all the wrestling
I've ever done.

I'm sorry for all the grief
I've ever given.

I was just playing
bad guy wrestler, you know.
It's just a role. It's not me.

So, I guess Jerry
just, um,

um, took it personally.

Yeah, but, uh, I mean,
you said some pretty
inflammatory things.

Right. Everything's
a joke to this guy.
Just like that thing.

- I don't know if that's
a neck brace or a flea collar.
- That's not true.

This is serious.
I went to the hospital.

I was in the hospital
three days, in traction.

I'll tell you
something else.

My father said I could've
hired a lawyer and sued you
for everything you've got.

But I didn't because
I'm not that kind of guy.

[Smattering Of Audience Laughter]

- What kind of guy are you?
- [Audience Gasping]

[Audience Laughing]

Tell you what-- I think maybe
I'll get a lawyer here.

If you were a man,
you'd apologize to me right now.

But you're just
poor white trash,

so I guess that's too lofty
a concept for you.

I mean,
what are you gonna do--

[Audience Screams, Gasps]

[Audience Murmuring]

Are we, uh-- Is everything--
Are you okay? Huh?

This-- I'm sick
of this shit, Lawler.

I'm gonna sue you for everything
you've got, I swear to God.

Fuck you! Okay?
Okay, Lawler?

Fuck you!
I'm sorry, Dave.

I know I'm not supposed
to say those things on television.

I apologize.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

But you, you are a [Bleep]
m-[Bleep]-ing [Bleep]-hole!

Okay?

- [Audience Murmuring, Gasping]
- Well--

- Well--
- [Smattering Of Applause

- I, uh--
- [Door Slams]

I, I think you can use
some of those words on television,

but what you can't do
is throw coffee.

Some of us
at Saturday Night Live...

think Andy Kaufman's
a comic genius.

But others disagree.

They say he's
just not funny anymore.

So we're leaving
the decision up to you.

To keep Andy,
call 1 -900-555-76 1 8.

To dump him--

This is bad.

I, um, only got 28%.

This is Saturday Night Live,
the hippest audience in television.

They turned on you.

Look, it pains me
to say this,

but I don't think you two guys should
ever work together again.

I'm sorry, George.
We just thought it was funny.

You don't have to be sorry,
Jerry.

You're-- You're terrific.

You're just the best.

I wouldn't have traded it
for anything.

To me, this was a shining
moment for wrestling.

Me too. And--

And it was a shining moment
for behavioral science.

Hey, well-- But why can't I make
a gag out of this?

I mean, maybe I could go on the show
and I could say...

it was rigged
and I demand a recount.

Andy,
you don't understand.

They don't
want you back.

[Andy]
Now close your eyes.

If the thoughts of this world
come into your head,
don't be upset by them.

It's just your stress
unraveling itself.

Just slowly
come back to the mantra.

[Woman] Andy?

Please?

Just continue your meditation.
I'll be back.

- Jai Guru Dev.
- Jai Guru Dev.

Hi, Andy.

Hi.

This is, uh,

very difficult
for me to say.

Uh, but we--

we feel that it's best...

if you don't attend
the retreat.

Why?

I go to the retreat
every year.

Oh, I know, Andy,

and we don't doubt your devotion
to Transcendental Meditation.

It's just that we feel that,
well, you and the program...

have, uh,
g-grown apart, uh--

Philosophically.

"Philosophically"?
What's "philosophically"?

Well, Andy, the wrestling,
the sexist remarks, the foul language,

they're just not becoming
of an individual
of spiritual enlightenment.

It seems you just
don't respect anything.

Of course I do.

I just-- I think of the world
as, as an illusion,

and we shouldn't take ourselves
so seriously.

- [Sighs]
- Don't--

Don't,

please,

do this.

You've got to let me
attend these classes.
It's what keeps me balanced.

I-It's apparently
not working.

Then, then help me.
Help me, okay? Guide me.

Andy...
[Sighs]

we just don't wish
your presence here.

[Knock On Door, Door Opens]

Hi.

I brought you
some Haagen-Dazs.

I don't deserve
Haagen-Dazs.

I'm-- I'm a badperson.

Oh.

You aren't a bad person.

You are
a complicated person.

You don't know the real me.

[Giggles]

There isn't a real you.

Oh, yeah.
I forgot.

[Giggles]

[Whispers]
Baby.

Do you want to move in
with me?

What?

Say it again.

Oh, Rose

Marie

I love you

I'm always

Dreaming of you

[Phone Rings]

- I'll get it.
- [Ringing Continues]

Kaufman and Marguiles
Center for Sexual Research.

Andy, it's George.

Hey, George. I'm not sure
we can do anything for you.

Yeah. Uh, Andy, uh,
I got some crummy news.

Oh.

Taxi's been canceled.

And the crummy news?

[George Chuckles]

Do you want me to come over,
we'll talk about it?

Um, no.
I'm sorta busy right now.

I'll see you next week,
though.

Thanks.

- [Chair Scooting On Floor]
- [Lynne] Put it right there.

Yuck.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
a treat for staying late,

please welcome, from Taxi,
the Improv's own Mr. Andy Kaufman!

Actually, Bud,
you're wrong.

I found out today that Taxi
has been canceled.

- What?
- [Smattering Of Laughter]

Not to mention
that my wife left me,

and she took the kids.

I don't understand why you're laughing.
I'm not joking.

And then this morning I got up
and I noticed that I have, um,

a cyst
or some kind of boil...

on the back of my neck.

Look.
[Groans]

- See?
- [Audience Groaning, Laughing]

So I was thinking, since I'm still
kind of a quasi-celebrity,

that maybe I could charge people
to touch it.

[Groaning]

Would anybody like to pay
a dollar to touch my cyst?

I'm serious. I could really use
the money right now.

It 's a good deal.
[Coughing]

[Coughs, Clears Throat]

Oh, okay.

Oh, wait, no.
You gotta pay first.

[Audience Chuckling]

It 's a dollar...

to touch my celebrity cyst.

Okay.

- Oww!
- [Audience Groaning]

[Smattering Of Applause]

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Thank you very much.
[Sighs]

W-Would Andy
like to tell us...

why he called us out
at 4:00 in the morning?

Um...
[Sighs]

yeah.

Uh, I have cancer.

Forget it.
Forget it!

- That is--
That is in terrible taste.
- [Laughing]

I don't wanna have anything
to do with this. Nothing.

No, no, no, that's good.
We can make that play.

Okay, and we'll really--
We'll just drag it out. All right?

Y- You get better,
you get worse.

No, you die, and then,
uh, you come back to life.

[Laughing]
That's funny.

That's funny,

but, um,
it's not a gag, Bob.

I got cancer.
I got lung cancer.

Lung cancer.

That's ridiculous.
You don't even smoke.

I've got some freaky
rare kind.

It's called
large-celled carcinoma.

Yea!
[Laughs]

I'm a lucky guy.

- Have you told your family?
- No. No.

I don't want to tell them.

I've just...

jerked them around so much.

Andy, look in my eye...

and tell me
this is true.

I'm sorry.
[Sniffles]

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Hey.

I'm sorry.
[Sobbing]

Lynne? Come on.
Hey. Hey, hey.

- Wait up.
- [Door Closes]

If I find out that you're behind this,
I'll kill you, Zmuda!

What the hell are you
talkin' about, George?

I was the one who just said
I didn't believe him.

That's just the kind of thing
you two would work out to fuck me up.

[TV: Man]
We want the truth, boy!

[Boy] My father said Lassie bit me,
so I said she did too.

- [Man] Lassie never
bit you, and you know it.
- Case dismissed!

[Court Spectators Murmuring]

[Orchestral: Dramatic]

[Ends]

Dad?

The cancer started
in Andy's lungs...

and spread to his left arm.

We've initiated an aggressive
radiation program.

- See if we can eradicate
the affected cells.
- [P.A.]Dr. Sullivan, line one.

Excuse me.
I'll be right back.

[Sobbing]

- [Door Closes]
- What a crock.

How dare you
make light of this?

I cried when he broke his neck.
He's not getting me again.

Jesus Christ, Carol,
he's got lung cancer.

He wants us
scratching our heads,

asking ourselves,
"Is this real?"

Of course it 's real.
We 're in a hospital.

Mom, it 's Cedars-Sinai.

It's a show biz hospital.

Andy's studio friends,
they probably run this place.

He plans these things.
He takes over and hires actors.

Personally, I don't think
that doctor guy was very convincing.

- His costume had the wrong shoes.
- Didn't even have doctor shoes.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's bullshit.

No more Kaufman stories.
He's burned us too many times.

A very reliable source
told me Andy Kaufman has lung cancer.

Oh, please.
He's definitely not dying.

Now those big white cells
are attacking the cancer cells.

Attacking.

Attacking.

I see them.
I see the white cells.

- Attacking.
- Attacking.

- Attacking.
- Attacking.

He's an actor.

I-I recognize him
from The In-Laws.

Yeah. That's true.

But he's also ordained
in holistic medicine.

Oh.

George, what am I
supposed to do?

I'm sick and I'm trying to get better,
but everybody's looking at me funny.

I feel like I'm being surrounded
by negative energy.

You're surrounded
by what you create.

- Great.
- Andy, you're the king
of negative energy.

- And it's gotta stop. [Coughs]
- Andy.

'Cause if these
negative vibes get out,

everybody's gonna be
talking about how sick I am,

and it becomes
a self-fulfilling prophecy.
[Coughs]

How can I help you?

I wanna go back to work.

- You wanna tour the clubs?
- No. No clubs.

I wanna reach the top.

Carnegie Hall!

I want this show
to build and build.

I want it to be everything
that's joyful in the world
piled one on top of the other,

until the audience can't
stand it and they turn into
children right in front of me.

- I might even have Santa Claus.
- Oh, yeah.

You can say, "Santa, what am I getting
for Christmas this year?"

- And he says "Cancer."
- No, that--

No, that's-- I don't wanna do that.
That's a bummer.

Uh, okay, positive, positive.
Okay--

Look, this is really,
um, great--

- Santa and snow and--
- Yeah.

But it's gonna cost
a fortune.

That's okay.
Not a problem.

- Well, who's gonna pay for it, Andy?
- Tony Clifton.

[Sighs]
Oh.

Andy, you know,
Tony doesn't have that kind of money.

Don't you worry about that,
George.

I know Tony better than you do,
and even if he has to work
another ten years to pay it off,

he'll do it.

[Bongos]

Abu-dabi
Abi-dabu-ah

Abu-dabi
Abi-dabu-ah

Abi-dabi-dabu-eh

[Audience]
Abi-dabi-dabu-eh

- Abu-day
- Abu-day

- A-ki-chay-wah
- A-ki-chay-wah

- Yaken-bu-day
- Yaken-bu-day

- Ichen-di-bich
- Ichen-di-bich

Yaki-di-shika-tala-
ga-bola-ga-deba-ga-dili-
ga-bohhhhhhhhhhhh

Ohhhhhhhhhh

Abu-dabi
Abi-dabu-ah

[Bongos Continue]

[Applauding, Cheering]

[Cowboy Chorus]
I got spurs that
jingle-j angle-j ingle

As I go ridin'
merrily along

And they sing
Oh, ain't you glad
you're single

- [Continues]
- Ladies and gentlemen,

we are so very fortunate
tonight,

because we have with us...

the last surviving cowgirl
from that 1931 film.

She's 94 years young.

Eleanor Cody Gould.

- I got spurs that
jingle-jangle-jingle
- [Audience Applauding]

As I go ridin'
merrily along

Hi, Eleanor.
It's great to have you here.
It's a real honor.

Thank you, Andy.
I'm delighted to be here.
It's overwhelming to me.

Well, it 's gonna
get even better,

because we found one of the old
original hobby horses from your movie.

Do you think you could grace us
with a couple of steps
from "Jingle, Jangle, Jingle"?

- Oh, I don't think--
- Okay, hit it!

- [Audience Applauding]
- [Orchestra:
"Jingle, Jangle, Jingle"]

-
- [Audience Clapping Along]

Faster!
Come on!

[Tempo Accelerates]

Faster! Faster!

[Tempo Continues Accelerating]

Faster! Come on!

Faster! Faster!
Faster!

Faster!

Oh!

Andy, stop! Andy!

[Continues]

Is there a doctor in the house?
Stop the music!

-[Stops]
- Uh, we need a doctor.

Anyone?
Please?

[All Murmuring]

[Bob] Can you call us
an ambulance?

[Audience Gasping,
Murmuring Intensifies]

[Mock Indian Chanting]

[Chanting Continues]

[Chanting Continues]

Praise the Lord!

[Audience Applauding, Cheering]

She's alive!
Hallelujah!

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Hallelujah

- [Concludes]
- Ladies and gentlemen,
the Mormon Tabernacle Choir!

[Orchestra]

[Choir]
Here comes Santa Claus
Here comes Santa Claus

- Right down
Santa Claus lane
- [Andy] Oh, my gosh!

- Vixen and Blitzen
and all his reindeer
- I can't believe this!

It's the Rockettes!

Are pulling
on the reins

Bells are ringing
Children singing

All is merry and bright

Hang your stocking
and say your prayers

'Cause Santa Claus
comes tonight

- Here comes Santa Claus
- Boys and girls,
you're not gonna believe this!

- Here comes Santa Claus!
- [Continues]

He's got a bag
that's filled with toys

For the boys and girls
again

Hear those sleigh bells
jingle-jangle

What a beautiful sight

Jump in bed
Cover up your head

Since you've all been
such good boys and girls,

I would like to take everybody
in this entire audience out...

for milk and cookies!

There are buses outside!
Everybody follow me!

[Concludes]

Don't worry, folks!
There's enough milk and cookies
for everyone!

- [Cheering, Shouting]
- Let's go, let's go, let's go!

[Andy]
Merry Christmas!

[Cheering]

And now we'll place
the blue crystal.

Very high vibrations,

and it's wonderful,
wonderful...

for its
healing powers.

Okay.
Let's try two of those.

And another pink one.

All right.

[Scraping]

Hah!

Looks like somethin'
my dog puked up.

[Giggles]

How 'bout me and you dolls go out
and get some real food?

Sure.

French fries
and a porterhouse steak.

Or we could skip the meal and go right
to the "montage a trois."

[Laughs]

Have you ever been
with another woman?

Well, like, in the kitchen
and stuff, yeah.

Okay, hey, here.
This'll help.

Ah!

- Okay.
- Here. Put that on your face.

- Yeah.
- There you go.

- Hi.
- [Laughs] Now you can't
even tell the difference.

[Coughing]

Well, we could put
all of this together in a soup.

Then we could pretend
it's a porterhouse steak, Andy.

I am not Andy.

Andy is sick.

Chick, pick, wick, lick!

Dick!

Whereas I am getting
stronger and stronger.

[Sighs]

- Hi, Andy.
- Hey.

Hey.

You wanna wrestle?

[Chuckles]

Bob and I...

came up...
[Clears Throat]

with a--

an idea for a TV show.

It'll be a Saturday morning
kind of thing...

where I can goof off
with the kids.

Yeah.

We can sell that, Andy.

Did your doctor say
it's okay...

to go back to work?

No, but he will.

Yeah.

'Cause...

I'm going
to the Philippines.

The Philippines?
What's in the Philippines?

A miracle.

[Chuckling]

[Andy Laughing]

[Continues Laughing]

I just want to say,
until we meet again...

please remember--

[Piano]

In this friendly
friendly world

With each day
so full of joy

Why should any heart

Be lonely

In this friendly
friendly world

With each night
so full of dreams

Why should
any heart

Be afraid

- [Continues]
- Yep, it's a friendly world.

We should all treat each other
like brothers and sisters.

So everybody put your arm around
the person sitting next to you...

and sway back and forth
in rhythm to the music.

Come on. Everybody.

Even if you don't like
the person sitting next to you. Okay?

When I say "okay,"
you say "Okay!" Okay?

[All Responding]
Okay.

- Okay.
- [Responding] Okay.

- Okay.
- Okay.

[Barely Audible]
Okay.

Everybody sing,
"The world is such a wonderful place."

- The world is such
a wonderful place
- [Singing Along]

- To wander through
- [Singing Along]

Follow the bouncing ball.

When you've got someone
you love

To wander along
with you

With the sky
so full of stars.

With the sky
so full of stars

And the river so full of song.
River so full of song

Every heart should be

So thankful

Thankful for this
friendly, friendly world.

Thankful for this
friendly, friendly

World

Thank you...

for this friendly,
friendly world.

Thank you...

and good-bye.

[Woman Shrieks]
Andy! Ohh!

[Crowd Murmuring]

[Fanfare]

-
- [Man Shouts] Andy!
- [Audience Cheering]

- [Ends]
- Andy! Andy!

Andy? You guys
wanna see Andy tonight?

[Audience Cheers]

- Anybody got a flashlight
and a couple of shovels?
- [Rim Shot]

Okay, guys,
let's do our dirt!

First I was afraid

- I was putrefied
- [Audience Laughing]

Kept thinkin'
I could never live

Without you by my side

But then I spent
so many nights

A-thinkin'
how you did me wrong

- And I grew strong
- [Tempo Change:
Mid-tempo Disco]

And I learned
to get along

And now I'm back

From outer space

I just walked in
to find you here

With that sad look
upon your face

I should've changed
that stupid lock

I should've asked you
for the key

If I'd have known
for just one second

You'd be back
to bother me

Go on now, go
Walk out the door

- [Hooting]
- Don't turn around now

You're not welcome
anymore

Weren't you the one
that tried to hurt me
with "good-bye"

Did you think I'd crumble

Did you think
I'd lay down and die

Oh, no, not I
I will "sur-vivvy"

As long as I know
how to love

I know
I'll stay "aleeve"

I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love
to give

I will "sur-veev"

I will "sur-veev"

I will "sur- veev"

I

Will

"Sur-veev"

I will survive! I will survive!
I will survive!

I will survive!
I will survive!

I will survive!
[Cackling Maniacally]

[Cymbal Crashing]

Mott the Hoople
and the game of Life

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Andy Kaufman
and the wrestling match

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Monopoly, Twenty-one
Checkers and Chess

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Mr. Fred Blassie
in a breakfast mess

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Now, Andy, did you hear
about this one

Tell me, are you locked
in the punch

Hey, Andy
are you goofing on Elvis

Hey, baby

Are we losing touch

If you believed

They put a man on the moon

Man on the moon

If you believe

There 's nothing
up his sleeve

- Then nothing is cool
- Nothing

If you believed

They put a man on the moon

Man on the moon

If you believe

There 's nothing
up his sleeve

- Then nothing is cool
- Nothing

If you believed

They put a man on the moon

Man on the moon

If you believe

There 's nothing
up his sleeve

- Then nothing is cool
- Nothing

I watch the stars
fall silent

From your eyes

All the sights
that I have seen

I can't believe
that I believed

I wish that you could see

There's a new planet
in the solar system

There is nothing
up my sleeve

I'm pushin' an elephant
up the stairs

I'm tossin' up punch lines
that were never there

Over my shoulder
a piano falls

Crashing to the ground

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons

I'm keepin' flowers
in full bloom

I'm looking for answers
from the great beyond

I want the hummingbirds

The dancing bears

Sweetest dreams of you

And look into the stars

And look into
the moon

I'm pushing an elephant
up the stairs

I'm tossing up punch lines
that were never there

Over my shoulder
a piano falls

Crashing to the ground

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons

I'm keeping flowers
in full bloom

I'm looking for answers
from the great beyond

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons

I'm keeping flowers
in full bloom

I'm looking for answers
from the great

Answers from the great

Answers

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons

I'm keeping flowers
in full bloom

I'm looking for answers
from the great beyond

I'm breaking through
I'm bending spoons

I'm keeping flowers
in full bloom

I'm looking for answers
from the great

Answers from the great

Answers

[Andy Kaufman]
Well, it 's time

To say

Good-bye

It's been good

Having you

So near

Although
I've got to leave

- It 's the end
- [Audience Laughing]

I'll always be stayin'

Right here

So, all my friends
good-bye

It's just about that time

Wish that I could do

Just one more song
For you

Good-bye, everybody!
Thank you! Good night!

- [Audience Applauding]
- Good night!

Okay! Great!
Good night!