All language subtitles for Hello.Ladies.The.Movie.2014.720p.WEB.H264-DiMEPiECE

- ( music playing )
- ( chatter )

Hello, ladies.
Hi, my name’s Stuart.

- My good friend Wade
right here.
- Hi.

- Hi, I’m Ashleigh.
- Hi.

- This is Mel.
- How’s it going?

- How’s your night going?
- Good.

Someone just mistook her
for Mila Kunis.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yes, you do look like Mila,
doesn’t she?

- Yeah.
- And you look like
someone famous as well.

- Really?
- Yeah, who is it?

- I know who it is.
- It’s a movie star, isn’t it?

- Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
It’s Jude Law.
- Jude Law.

He’s a man.

Beautiful man, though,
isn’t he?

- Gorgeous Jude.
- Definitely.

Hey, if Jude Law
were a woman, I’d date him.

There you go.
Now, this guy’s choosy.

You should see
his ex-wife--
beautiful.

- Sorry.
- Oh, don’t worry.

Honestly, they’d be lucky
to have you, mate.

- I’m just pleased
you’re back on the horse.
- Yeah.

- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.

- Oh, man,
we’re all so old.
- Ugh.

You’re 30
and I’m turning
26 next year.

- Yup, both of us.
So old.
- Yeah.

- So how are you?
- Oh, I’m really good.

Yeah, I just booked a part
in the new Steven Spielberg
miniseries.

- Oh, my God!
- Yeah.

- Congratulations. Wow.
- Thanks.

- Yeah, what about you?
- Oh, you know, just this
and that.

Don’t be modest.
She has a callback
for a yogurt commercial.

- Yeah?
- Cool.

I love yogurt.

Oh, yeah,
it’s good for digestion.

Can I just say how much
I love your dress?

Yes, you said that
when you hit on me
an hour ago.

Oh, did I--

- And no change
in the last hour?
- No.

- No, all right.
- Woman: You’re not
drinking tonight?

- I have a surprise
for you guys.
- What?

- We’re having a baby.
- ( screaming )

- You wanna see a picture?
- Yeah.

- Oh, it’s gorgeous.
- Thank you.

- It’s so pretty.
- You know, it looks
just like you.

Oh, really?
Thank you.

- Oh, yeah. Wow.
- Oh.

- Be your turn next.
- Oh, no, no, no.

- I don’t think so.
- We always use protection.

- Man: You know the singer
Bryan Adams, right?
- Stuart:Yeah.

Did you know he can
make a girl come
in 30 seconds?

- Ohh.
- No, no. No one can make
a girl come in 30 seconds.

Oh, really?
So you don’t want
to know how he does it?

- Well, I will as I’m here.
- It’s all in the fingers.

How do you know Bryan Adams’
fingering technique?

So a lot of people
have been coming up to me
and saying, like,

"So what’s the deal
with you and Glenn?"

- Have they?
- Yeah.

- What do you say
when people ask you that?
- Nobody asked me that.

Well, yeah, but,
I mean, if they did,
what would you say?

I’d tell them to mind
their own business.

Well, okay, yeah,
but hypothetically,

if they made you answer,
what would you say?

- How would they make me?
- If they had a knife to your
throat or something?

- I don’t know.
- I’d rather go to the grave

than give them
the satisfaction
of intimidating me.

Good for you.

- All: Happy birthday.
- ( cheering )

- Yeah.
- Here we go.

Okay.

( cheering )

- Did you make a wish?
- No, I’m not wishing for you
to have a threesome, Stuart.

- You’re so selfish.
- ( cell phone rings )

- Hello?
- Woman: Hello, Stuey?

- Yeah, who’s this?
- It’s Trudy.

Guess what,
I’m coming to Los Angeles.

( music playing )

♪ Just a little boy lost
looking for a lamb ♪

♪ In the all-night city ♪

♪ Living in
his lonely limousine ♪

♪ And though
he never has to worry ♪

♪ He’s the only one
and only one ♪

♪ He’s ever gonna need ♪

♪ Absolutely,
he’s in definite need ♪

♪ Ooh, maybe we’ve been
alone too long ♪

♪ You don’t
want to be lonely ♪

♪ Maybe we’ve been
alone too long ♪

♪ You don’t want
to be lonely. ♪

Woman:
Okay, we’re set.

And action.

- You’re enjoying the yogurt.
- Mm.

Okay, could you
do that sexier?

- Mm.
- No, sexier.

Mm.

- Are you doing your sexy?
- Mm-hmm.

- That’s your sexy?
- Yeah.

Okay, we’re gonna
leave the sexy for now.

- Ahem.
- Okay.

We’re gonna
have this cartoon
yogurt monster

and he’s gonna
chase you around and try
to steal your yogurt.

Can we show her
the picture of Yogi?

- This is the yogurt monster.
- ( laughs )

Okay, so imagine that Yogi
is standing behind you

and you’re scared.

( screams )

Okay, you’re not that scared.
He’s not a rapist.

Once again, please.

- Ahh.
- That’s better.

He’s come after you now
and you’re running.

- Oh, ah.
- Yeah, gotta run,
gotta run from Yogi.

- Ah, whoa.
- Just keep going in a circle.

You’re trying to
sort of confuse him.

Kind of confuse
the monster.

- Please go faster. Is that...
- Okay.

Is that really
all you can do there?

- I just want to see
a real amount of speed here.
- Yeah.

- And now you’ve fallen over.
- Oh.

- ( groans )
- There you go.

And he’s coming up and--
oh, no, he’s got your yogurt.

And you are furious
about this and you’re
shaking your fist at him.

Oh, Yogi.

No speaking.
There’s no dialog in this.

It’s very important
that you never speak.

Let’s have you on your back
and sort of kick your legs
up in the air.

Like a cockroach.

If you saw
a disgusting cockroach,

you sprayed it with bug spray,
and now it’s on its back
just slowly dying.

Yup, just like a dirty,
little cockroach.
There you go.

( whispering )

( sighs )

( phone rings )

This is Glenn.

- Hey, Glenn. It’s Stuart.
- Chicken Wings.

What’s going on, buddy?

Oh, I’ll tell you,
mate, I’m afraid I’ve
come a-begging.

Got quite an important
date coming up

and I need
a super hot chick
to take with me.

I wondered if you
had any sweet-ass honeys
you could send my way.

- Yeah, I can get you
a prostitute.
- Mm.

No, no. I was thinking
more a friend or a client.

- Relative.
- Yeah.

I don’t know
if you have a sister,

but if she’s half
as attractive as you,
I’d be interested.

- I’m an only child.
- Damn.

- That’s a no.
- Do you know Alan Randall?

- No.
- Yes.

- Who-- yeah.
- Yeah, no, we...

- no, wait, no.
- Not sure I do.

Bigwig in finance.
He’s a great guy.

He’s having a boat party
this Saturday.

Wall-to-wall
models and bottles.

I could probably
get you an invite.

You’ve intrigued me, sir.

- Our interests are piqued, sir.
- You can put my name
on the list.

- Hey, your
roommate just showed up.
- Stuart: Oh, hey, Jessica.

- Rory: Hi, Jessica.
- Hi, Rory.

- Hi, Stuart.
-Got to jump off.

- Bye.
- Bye.

( both chanting )
Boat party.

Sorry, you know
you’re not coming?

- I know, I just love that song.
- Oh.

- Who sings that?
- I just made it up.

- You just made that up?
- Yeah.

That’s-- are you--
that’s one of the best songs
I’ve ever heard.

- What?
- Yeah. That should be
on the radio.

- Oh, really? Thanks.
- Yeah, it’s great.

Both:
Boat party, boat party.

I came to L.A.
to be Meryl Streep,

not to get chased around
by some stupid yogurt monster.

Well, you don’t become
Meryl Streep overnight.

I’ve been here for 10 years.

Acting just doesn’t
make me happy anymore.

Constantly being judged
and competing

with 100 other girls
for some three-line role.

I can’t do this anymore.

( sighs )
I’m quitting.

Just-- let’s take a beat.

Okay?

Come here.

( sighs )

Are you texting?

No. It’s just a quick e-mail.

You know, I’m not sure
I want this either.

I’m not even sure
I know what this is.

- This is just two people--
- Having fun.

Yeah, I got it.

Glenn, can you just
be honest with me for once?

Is this ever gonna be
a real relationship?

I can definitely

foresee a time when we
could approach the prospect

of that being
an eventuality.

Good-bye, Glenn.

- Wait a sec--
- And I really
am quitting acting,

so also,
you’re fired.

Wha-- Jessica, come on.

Jessica.

Jessica!

- Stuart: So what are you
gonna do instead of acting?
- Jessica:I have no idea.

- What does Glenn think?
- I don’t care.
I broke up with him.

- Why?
- Because he’s an asshole.

I am looking for the one.

And the one doesn’t
just call you when
he’s feeling horny.

- Okay, I know what
you’re thinking.
- What?

You’re wondering if you can
still hang out with Glenn.

How can you say that?
That’s-- my allegiance
is to you.

Come on.

Although he was gonna
take me to a boat party
over the weekend.

- Oh, Stuart,
you are unbelievable.
- Oh, come on.

No, no, no. Stop.
There’s going to be
models there.

There’s going to be
models there.

What is your obsession
with models?

I need to date a model
within the next three weeks.

Or what happens?
Do the kidnappers kill
the president’s daughter?

No.

All right, if I tell you,
you can’t tell anyone else.

Oh, who would I tell?
Who’s interested in
your sex life?

- Loads of people.
- Oh, yeah? Name three.

Kives, my parents,

the computer world.

- They’re really interested?
- Yes, they’re very-- it’s
a very gossipy environment.

- Wow.
- Because they’ve got nothing
else to live for, have they?

Just nerds. Nerds going,
"I wonder who Stuart’s
having sex with?"

Well, listen, all right,
I’ll tell you.

I used to be kind of awkward
when I was at school

and never really knew
how to talk to girls.

( music playing )

Stuart:
Even if a girl
did talk to me,

it was normally just
to fill the time

until someone better
came along.

( chanting )
Drink!

Then at college,
it was pretty much
the same story.

- Ooh, hang on.
- Who’s next?

I’ll have a go, yeah.

Stuart:
I’d do anything to impress
some random girl

that I didn’t even know
the name of.

After college,
I got a job at
an I.T. company

and I met this girl there.

Her name was Trudy
and we started going out.

And Trudy was great.

She was really
sweet and smart

and we were just sort of
in tune with each other.

Like this salesman,
Mike Moffet, joined
the company--

total alpha male,
loud and brash.

You know,
all the rest of it.

Trudy and I used to laugh
about what a dick he was.

And then, I remember,
about three months after
Mike joined the company...

Oh, sorry.

So sorry.

That’s when I decided
to move here, you know?

Reinvent myself.

Stuart 2.0.

Hello, ladies.
My name’s Stuart.

With me,
my good friend Wade.

Hello, ladies.
Pleasure. Wade.

Hi, pleasure. Wade.
Nice to meet you.

- Are you--
- Stuart, Stuart!
( screaming )

I got it, I got it.

So what happened
to Mike and Trudy?

They got married

and I haven’t seen them
since I came here.

But Trudy called me
when we were at your birthday

and they’re coming out here
in about three weeks.

Well,
how does the model help?

’Cause I want them
to see me with a beautiful
woman on my arm, you know?

I want Mike
to be really jealous

and I want Trudy to go back
thinking she should never
have let me go.

I want them to think
that I’ve won at life.

Well, you may
hang out with Glenn.

And I hope you find
what you’re looking for.

- And I hope you find
what you’re looking for.
- Thank you.

- To Jessica 2.0.
- Jessica 2.0.

Whoo!

♪ Feel the heat ♪

♪ Burning you up ♪

♪ Ready or not ♪

♪ Some like it hot
and some sweat when
the heat is on ♪

♪ Some feel the heat
and decide that they
can’t go on ♪

♪ Some like it hot... ♪

- So how you holding up?
- With what?

You know,
with you and Jessica.

Oh, yeah.
That was too bad.

She really knows
her way around a penis.

I want to introduce you
to Alan.

Don’t look him
directly in the eye.
He’s weird about that.

Alan, I want to introduce you
to a friend of mine.

This is Stuart.

Honor and a pleasure
to meet you, sir.

I brought you this gift.

- I don’t want that.
- A thousand apologies.

Alan, these are
some of my friends.
This is Madison.

- Madison, pleasure to meet you.
- Hi.

- Jasmine.
- Jasmine, delighted.

Hi.

Glenn:
And Joan.

- How’s it going?
- Meet you guys at the bar.

I thought we said
we were going to
make it all 10s.

That last one was,
what, six?

Yeah, sorry.

Alan:
Go on, boys. Have some fun.

Don’t flush your condoms.
It fucks up the plumbing.

Jessica:
I guess I feel adrift.

I’ve spent 10 years
telling everyone
I’m an actress

and now that I’m not,
I don’t know what I am.

Or what my purpose
in life is.

What led you away
from the church
to begin with?

Oh, well, I remember
when I was a kid,

I asked the pastor
how Jesus rose
from the dead--

like, physically,
how could he do that?

And he sort of just
dodged the question.

And that frustrated me.

Well, sometimes
we ask questions
when we’re young

only to find the answers
when we’re older.

Yeah.

So how did he rise
from the dead?

He just did.

Okay.

Is there any other questions
I can answer?

No, I’m good.

♪ You got me in
the belly of your beast ♪

♪ Hope you spare me... ♪

- Do you shave your testes?
- Every day.

And what is that,
is that a wet shave?

- Hi, Glenn.
- Hey, baby.

Stop the presses.

- Blimey, who’s that?
-Tatiana Ludnova.

- Come on,
I’ll introduce you.
- Hang on.

That’s the big leagues.

Got any words of advice
you could give?

All right, first off,
Google her.

- Right. Why--
- Got to get intel.

Check her Instagram.

Her with her dogs.

Skiing at New Year.

- You’re all set.
- Am I?

When you start talking to her,
there’s three things
you need to do--

one, establish a connection,

two, break the touch barrier,
and three, sexualize
the conversation.

And four,
don’t be a pussy.

Connection, touch,
sexualize, pussy.
I’ve got it.

- Hey, Tatiana,
you like dogs, right?
- Yes.

- My buddy Stuart loves dogs.
- Woof.

You two should talk.

Connection established,
break the touch barrier.

- Nice to meet you.
- You, too.

Yes, dogs.

When you went skiing
at New Year,

what do you do,
do you put them
in kennels or...

How do you know
I went skiing on New Year?

I think I just guessed.

- Or maybe you’re psychic.
- No, there’s no such thing.

- Well, I’m psychic.
- Are you really?

There must be some truth to it.
There has to be.

- Absolutely.
- Right.

- One time my father
was flying to Omsk...
- Oh, yeah?

...I had a dream
that his plane would crash.

So my father didn’t fly.

The next week,
the same flight crashed.

Fuck off.
That’s terrifying.

Oh, my God.
Jeez, you must be--
are you okay?

- Yeah.
- Wow.

I mean, it’s basically
a jewelry line for men.

But my main thing
is an actor,

- but everybody says that
out here, right?
- Yeah, totally.

I actually
just gave up acting.

Oh, no way.
What do you do now?

- That’s a good question.
- Thank you.

Yeah, just, um,
trying to figure it out,
I guess.

- Yeah.
- You know, I actually
went to church earlier.

- But, eh, I don’t
really think that’s for me.
- I totally feel you.

You know,
I tried Christianity,
I tried Buddhism.

Fucked around with Islam
for a little bit,

but organized religion,
man, not for me.

But I am very spiritual.

- I just feel like everything
happens for a reason.
- Oh.

- Yeah.
- Even this party happened
for a reason?

- Yeah.
- Well, what about
something like 9/11?

No. No, not 9/11.

9/11 didn’t even happen
the way they said it did.

There’s a whole
YouTube video on it.
It’s amazing.

Speaking of YouTube,
have you seen the video of
the pig waking up from a dream?

- No, I don’t think so.
- Amazing.

Glenn, sorry to interrupt.

I broke the touch barrier,
what was next?

Sexualize the conversation.

How do I do that exactly?

Just find a subtle way
to bring sex into the equation.

Pardon me.

Oh, yeah.

Don’t you just
love the ocean?

Yes, I do.

Very much.

Did you know that Bryan Adams
can make a woman come
in 30 seconds?

- What?
- Sorry, it’s just
something I heard.

- How?
- It’s all to do with
the fingers, apparently.

Tell me more.

- I love your hair.
- Hmm.

- May I touch it?
- Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

It’s beautiful.

These layers are
so smooth and silky.

Okay. Thank you.

- So-- so nice talking with you.
- You, too.

- Yeah.
- Hey, let me get your digits.

- Um...
- Yeah, we should
keep conversing.

- This is amazing.
- Ooh.

You know what?
Why don’t you just
pop it right in here?

Sure.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

And I’ll call you right now
just so you have my number.

- Oh, no. That’s not necessary.
- It’s easier.

Eh, you don’t need to do that.

And then this one’s sort of
doing a come-hither motion.

- ( cell phone ringing )
- And then you sort of
combine--

sorry, excuse me one sec.

- Hello?
- Well, that’s weird.

Just called England.

Ugh, Verizon, right?

Well,
you have my number,

- so, yeah.
- Okay.

If I ever meet the person
who invented high heels,

I’m taking them outside
and shooting them.

Oh, yeah, definitely.
Fucking fascist.

- ( groans )
- ( sighs )

Yup,
gotta stay hydrated.

Cheers to that.

- ( cell phone chimes )
- Super.

Ugh.

- You know, if you want
to kiss me, you can.
- Pardon?

If you want to kiss me,
you can.

I would like to.
Please.

- Let me finish this e-mail.
- Oh, yeah, sure.

- Ready now?
- Yes.

♪ I need somebody ♪

♪ Somebody like you ♪

♪ Everybody needs somebody ♪

- ( shutter clicking )
- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ I need somebody ♪

♪ Hey, what about you? ♪

♪ We all need somebody... ♪

Stuart:
We made out for 20 minutes.

Oh, just a little FYI--

Russian models kiss
just like you and I.

You know your kids
are gonna be bilingual?

She was probably
feeling seasick.

There’s no way that you see
this girl on dry land.

Wrong again
because I asked her,

"Would you like to
double-date when Mike
and Trudy come into town?"

- And she said, "Da."
- Yeah.

- Wait, what does that mean?
- It means yes in Russian.

Whoa, yes.

Jessica:
You found your model.
This is great.

Stuart:
Thanks, yeah.

By the way,
on the subject of dating,

why do I keep getting calls
from a bloke asking you out?

Oh, yeah.
Pig dream.
Oh, he was cute.

I don’t have time to waste
on the wrong guy who’s not
gonna be the one.

- I think we would’ve been
happier in the Middle Ages.
- ( giggles )

’Cause in those days,
you didn’t go on multiple dates
looking for the one, you know?

You just married
the only person in
the village who was single

and hadn’t died
of plague yet.

- You know?
- Yeah.

Impressive combat report,
Lieutenant.

No wonder Cutter
depends on you.

How much are they paying you
to betray your country, McAdams?

Oh, my God.
Well, I can’t
believe my luck.

Is this that film you did?
What’s it called,
"White Venom"?

No, it’s "White Venom 2:
Cutter’s Revenge."

Oh, yeah. Of course.

Where is Frank Cutter?

He’s somewhere in between
fuck you and go fuck yourself.

- I don’t want to watch this.
- Oh, no, come on. It’s good.

- Turn it off. No,
it’s stupid. Turn it off.
- No, it’s good.

- Is this the scene where
you get your boobs out?
- No, stop it.

- It is, isn’t it?
- Just turn it off.
Turn it off.

- Come on, stop it.
-I can’t believe it.

- I can’t believe it.
- Come on.

- Stop. Please.
- ( Jessica grunting )

- No.
-No.

Ah!

Well done, madam.

I can see why
Lieutenant Cutter
admires you so much.

Shut up.

Wade:
I told Carol you were thinking
about making a career switch

and it might be a good idea
for you two to sit down

and talk about some potential
openings that we have here.

Thank you so much
for seeing me.

- Yeah, Wade’s been
singing your praises.
- Aww.

Well, first off,
your previous employment.

Yes, um, actress.

And before that?

Uh, for a while,

I worked in
information distribution.

- Mm.
- And what is
information distribution?

It is...

the delivery...

of news...

in paper form

to consumers
of all ages.

- You delivered newspapers?
- Yes, I did.

And I could ride my bike
faster than anyone.

Um, what about
any special skills?

Uh, well, fencing.

Um, tap dancing.

Pretty good at that one.

And juggling--

I’m great at.

Uh, our most likely position
is in the call center.

So I’m not sure any of those
skills would really apply.

Well, I’m sure I would be
juggling calls.

- Right?
- ( both laughing )

Put down "sense of humor"
on that.

- Good energy.
- Yeah.

Um, can you talk about your,

um, educational background?

The usual.

High school diploma,
et cetera.

Okay.

High school diploma.

Bachelor’s degree in what?

Hmm?

I can’t believe
that I am renting to
a college dropout.

A lot of really successful
people dropped out of college.

Yeah, did they?
Name three.

- Bill Gates.
- Right, yeah, Gates, yeah.

- The Facebook guy.
- The Facebook guy, right.

- What’s his name?
- Jesse Eisenberg.

Sure.

And the Olsen twins,
so that’s four.

- I stand corrected.
- Mm-hmm.

All right, well, we’ll deal
with your career crisis
another time, okay?

’Cause I’ve got my guests
arriving any second,

so if you don’t mind
skedaddling back to
the guesthouse.

Well, I hope it goes well.

I might have a little trouble
paying the rent this month,
but have a fun night.

- What’s that? Pardon me?
- Hmm?

- What did you say?
- Oh, I said have a fun night.

- No, before that.
- ( sighs )

I might be a little behind
on the rent while I’m
finding myself.

( doorbell rings )

- This is not over.
- Okay.

- Where should I hide?
Where should I go?
- What?

- Where should I hide?
- You don’t need to hide.
It’s fine.

Just do that little thing
that we talked about.

Oh, I got you.

( doorbell rings )

- Welcome to Hollywood.
- Hi.

- Hey.
- It’s been such a long time.

- I know. Great to see you.
You look wonderful.
- Thank you.

There he is.
Bloody hell,
you’re still tall.

- I am, I am.
- Fuck me.

Hey.

- How are you?
- Me, I’m great.

- Yeah?
- I’m great, thank you, yeah.

What can I say?
Living the dream,
you know?

Wake up every day,
the sun’s shining.

See, I think I’d get
bored of that.

I’d miss the seasons
too much.

And I’d be worried about
the skin cancer.

Uh, glass of champagne?

- Oh, please.
- There we are.

Actually, I’d prefer a beer,
mate, if you’ve got one.

Okay, um, Budweiser okay?

Have you got
any British beers?

Newcastle Brown Ale?

Nah, I’d love
that Budweiser.

Okay.

- Here we go.
- Cheers.

Hi, I’m Rory,
Stuart’s assistant.
Sorry to interrupt.

- Nah, don’t worry about it.
- Stuart, I just heard back
from Tokyo.

- They love the designs.
- Great.

- I finished my coding,
I just need you to sign off.
- No problem, yeah.

Oh, this is great work
you’ve done under my tutelage.

Um, can I make
one suggestion?

- I’d change this from
Objective-C to Xcode.
- Of course.

That makes it both
more efficient and
user-friendly.

- Guess so.
- Should I work late
and update this?

No, it’s Saturday night.
Get out there, have some fun,
all right?

And take this extra
$100 bill on me.

Whoa, $100?
You’re the best boss.

Oh, don’t worry.
Get out of here, you scamp.

- Nice to meet you.
- Bye.

Oh, good kid.
Good kid.

- Stuart, I love your house.
- Thank you.

They’re not very well-made,
though, are they?
These California homes?

They’re just sort
of bits of woods with
plasterboard stuck on.

- We actually just moved into
this Victorian terrace.
- Oh, yeah?

It’s brick-built,
so it’s really solid.

- And sturdy, isn’t it?
- Mm-hmm.

Do you ever get lonely
living here all by yourself?

I’m sort of rather
ashamed to say it,

but I’m very
rarely alone.

’Cause since
I last saw you,

I’m gaining something
of a reputation as
a ladies’ man.

Flying solo tonight,
though, right, mate?

No, no, no, mate.
You’ll meet my current
squeeze shortly.

She tends to be a bit
sloppy with the on-time
keeping, though,

because she’s
a professional model.

Sorry, mate,
you’re seeing a model?

I am indeed.
I am indeed, yeah.

- In fact, let me just--
give me two ticks.
- Trudy: Mm-hmm.

- Tatiana: Hello?
- Hey, you, it’s Stuart.

- Oh, hi, stranger.
- How’s it going?

Just wanted to check
that you got that text
with my address on it.

- You nearby?
- No, I’m in Palm Springs.

Why are you in Palm Springs?

You know, I decided
to go to Palm Springs
with some friends.

I thought I’d be back in time,
but I’m not.

But you confirmed the plan.

It’s a double date.
My friends are here
from London.

No, it’s okay.
We’ll do it another time.

There’s not really a chance
for another time.

I’m so confused because
you confirmed the plan.

You sent me that text
the other day saying,

"Looking forward to Saturday"
with the smiley face.

If you’re gonna send a smiley
face, it normally implies that
you’re looking forward

to something
and you’re gonna be there.

You can’t be careless
with your emojis.

Ooh, I have to go.
There’s a conga line.

- Is there? Well, you don’t
want to miss that.
- Bye.

What are the rules?
I don’t know what the
fucking rules are here.

( knocks on door )

- Hiya.
- How’s it going?

- You taking a shit?
- No, I need you to pretend
to be my girlfriend.

- Please.
- What happened to your model?

She’s gone to Palm Springs
to join a conga line.

- Can I come in?
- I have a real date, Stuart.

It’s too late to cancel now.

No, it’s not.
People cancel last minute
all the time.

- Who’s the date with?
- Reno.

Reno? Really?
You’re going on a date--
what is he, a gunslinger?

- No, he’s--
- Where are you meeting,
the O.K. Corral?

- He’s really interesting.
- He’s not--

all right, the one is not
someone called Reno, okay?

So, please, come on.
I need them to see me

with a beautiful woman,
you know, so they think
I won at life.

- Oh, I’m a beautiful woman?
- Yes, obviously.

Mm. That’s the sweetest thing
you’ve ever said to me.

I wanna live rent-free
for three months.

- Oh, fuck off.
- Oh, well, have fun
on your double date.

- Three weeks.
- Three months.

- Three months is insane.
- Take it or leave it.

( sighs )
All right, I’ll take it,
but honestly,

- you’ve got to be so in love
with me that it’s disgusting.
- Oh, it’s gonna be real gross.

Good. All right.
Well, make sure you wear
something sexy, but not slutty.

- Maybe I should choose.
- Oh, fuck off. Stuart.

All right, just make
sure you pick me up tonight
because I want them to--

Yes, you want to trick them
into thinking you’ve
won at life.

- I got it.
- Great, thank you.

- Off you waddle.
- All right.

So just act natural, okay?

Yes, here we are.

- You still in I.T.?
- Yeah.

Yeah, but they
moved our company.
We’re in Wolverhampton now.

Oh, okay.
How’s Wolverhampton?

- It’s a shit hole.
- Is it?

It’s actually not
a shit hole, mate.

Believe or not,
Wolverhampton was
the first British city

to introduce
automated traffic lights.

It just sort of blew up
from there, really.

Oh.

I can’t believe
you’re dating a model.

Gosh, I’m gonna look
so ordinary.

Hi, everybody.

I’m so sorry to have
kept you waiting.

Oh, don’t worry.
I will forgive you
if I reward you with a kiss.

- Ah, lipstick.
Don’t want to ruin that.
- No.

Mike, Trudy, charmed.

I’ve heard
so much about you.

Oh, and you.

A glass of champers,
honeybee?

Oh, yes, please,
sugar bear.

So how did you guys meet?

- How did we meet?
- Oh.

- Therein lies a tale.
- Such a good story.

- Yeah, do you want to tell it?
- You tell it so well.

- Do I? Do I or are you
better at it?
- Yes.

No, you’re so much
better at it than I--
( groans )

- Lipstick.
- Lipstick, yeah.

- Um, well,
we were at Sandra--
- Bullock’s.

- Sandy Bullock’s
Halloween party.
- Party.

- Yeah. It was fun.
- And, uh, yeah, lovely affair.

- I was a slice of pizza.
- Yeah.

- And remember?
- I was, uh, I was Thor.

- You were like a hot dog.
- I was Thor.

- Yup.
- And she managed
to get my number.

And basically stalked me for--
what was it?

- Six months, sweet cheeks?
- Oh, I don’t think it
was that long.

- Wasn’t it?
- Melon ball.

I was dating around also,
you know?

- Yeah, yeah.
- A lot of options.

- She wasn’t a slut.
- No, definitely not a slut.

- No, no, no, no.
- I just-- a lot of callers.

- Yeah, and I won through
in the end.
- Yup.

- Oh, lipstick.
- Yeah.

That is a lovely story.
Actually, speaking of parties,

didn’t you say we were
gonna be hitting a party

or were you not able
to get that sorted?

Oh, no, no, no.
Yeah, no, definitely.

We’re going to one of the most
exclusive VIP parties in town.

- Ooh.
- Yes, well, perhaps a quick
toast before we get going.

- Mm-hmm.
- To a memorable night
in the City of Angels.

All: Cheers.

Let’s hope we don’t
get carjacked.

No.

This place sturdy enough
for you, Mike?

- What are you doing?
- Holding your hand.

- Why?
- That’s what lovers do.

Guys, that’s Alan.
He’s the host of the party.

Bloody great bloke.
Although, you’re not supposed
to look him in the eye.

He’s just got this
weird thing, so just
don’t look him in his eye.

Alan, I just wanted to
introduce you to some
dear friends of mine.

Mike and Trudy.
This is my beautiful
girlfriend Jessica.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Fantastic view.
- Yeah, thank you so much
for a wonderful party.

- Thank you so much.
- Thanks for having us.

- Enjoy the evening.
- Thank you, we will.

- All right.
- Have fun.

- Thank you, sir.
- See who I was with?

- Hot, right?
- Oh, yeah.

Young enough to be your
granddaughters, though,
weren’t they?

Yeah, well,
they’re friends
of my granddaughter’s.

But all of my granddaughter’s
friends are super hot.

- Here we are. Champagne.
- Thank you.

- All free of charge.
- Ooh, yeah.

Hey, I was just saying
to Jessica

that this party must have cost
more than our wedding.

Yeah, but only because
we got a discount.

My brother’s a catering manager
at a Holiday Inn Express.

- Oh.
- Oh, my God.

Is that Nicole Kidman?

- ( gasps ) It’s Nicole Kidman.
She’s so talented.
- Yes.

Yes, she is. Yes, she is.
And, you know, just charming
and down-to-earth.

Wait,
you know Nicole Kidman?

Oh, you know,
we’re in the same circles.

She’s more my friend
than yours.

- Well, we’re always
arguing about that.
- Yeah.

I love her films.

Is there any way that
you could introduce us?

I would literally die
if I met her.

- No, I don’t
want to bother her.
- Stuart, could you?

I’m worried that she’ll feel
like an animal in a zoo,
you know?

- Yeah.
- Showing her off.

I’m sorry, mate,
what’s the point of being
friends with someone

if you can’t introduce them
to other people?

Fair point.
Yeah.

I’ll go and say hi.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Hey. Hey, Nicole.

Hi. Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not in danger.

This is weird.
When I was a kid,

I really wasn’t
very good with girls

and I could certainly never
get with girls, you know,
as beautiful as you.

And then when I was older,
I managed to get this great
girlfriend Trudy

and she got stolen away
by this complete ball bag,

um, Mike, and both of them
are here now tonight
over there.

I’m trying to impress them.
Just wondering if there’s any
chance you could do me a favor?

Mm, what’s the favor?

What about if you
just pretend that
you knew me

and, you know, pretend
we’re having a conversation
and maybe you’re laughing.

- All right, sure.
- Okay.

- ( giggles )
- I don’t know what that was.

I know you’re an actress,
but that seemed a bit,
kind of, eh.

Maybe a bit more lively?
And we’re laughing, Nicole,
we’re laughing.

( laughing )

Don’t overdo it.
Don’t overdo it.

And is there any chance
that I could just bring
them over here

- and just say hi?
- Sure.

- Is that okay?
- Yeah.

- Are you doing
an Australian accent?
- No, this is how I speak.

That’s how you speak.
Okay, I’ve never seen
any of your films.

- Oh.
- Guys, over you come.

- Thank you so much.
Thank you.
- Yeah.

This is Mike.
This is Trudy.

- And, of course,
you know Jessica.
- Hey, Nicole.

And I have to say Trudy
is maybe your biggest fan.

- Oh, really?
- It’s a pleasure to meet you.

- Oh, that’s so nice.
- I’m an even bigger fan.

- Nice to meet you, too.
- Wow.

Handshake bonus.

We are gonna
get out of your hair now,

but listen, I think
you should give me a call.
I think you owe me lunch.

- And I want
that dress back, you.
- Okay.

- All right, see you later.
Thank you.
- Bye-bye.

Oh, what about that?
What about that?

I’m shaking.
I can’t believe
that just happened.

- Wow.
- Yeah, yeah.

Shit. Mike, we should’ve
got a picture.

Stuart, can you ask her
if we can get a picture
with her?

You don’t need a picture,
do you?

- I think the memories
are better.
- Yeah.

Oh, no. It would blow
everyone’s mind back home
if I had a picture.

Will it?

Nicole.

- Thank you so much
for doing it. Sorry again.
- You’re welcome.

I just--
the only thing is--

Nicole, the only thing
is they’re asking for
a photograph.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

If I do a photo,
then other people might ask
and I just want to be low-key.

I understand.
I understand completely.

- Yeah.
- Great.

What if I gave you $30?

I don’t think so.

40? $40?
And that’s tax-free.

I mean, the tax man
doesn’t need to know
about that.

- That’s cash in hand.
- I just--

I’m at a party and I--
I mean, if I do a photograph,

- then maybe--
- You can take one picture
and I can just say,

"There’s no more pictures."
Then they know.

Go get them.
Let’s do the photo.

- Hey.
- Good.

What a souvenir this will be
to take back home.

- Oh, thank you.
- There we go. All right.

- All right.
Good. Thank you.
- Thank you.

- I can’t believe
you’re friends with Stuart.
- I know, it does seem crazy.

- But true.
- How do you guys
know each other?

They used to date.

Wow. Really?

- Didn’t we?
- Yeah.

- Yup.
- Wow.

We’ll never understand
why you chose me over her.

- I mean, you are beautiful.
- Yes.

Well, it all worked out
for everyone in the end.

In the end. In the end.
But it was pretty rough back
there for you, wasn’t it?

She got pretty emotional.

It was difficult and I
apologize still for that.

- I got over it, though.
- You did. She did.

Eventually, but there
was a lot of tears and, uh...

No, I got over it. And now
I look back and I’m like,
"What was I thinking?"

Yeah, we weren’t--
she’s right.

- I mean...
- We weren’t really
right together.

We weren’t
really right together.
Except in the bedroom.

Then things
were pretty crazy.

- Honestly, the redheaded
woman will go berserk.
- No, no, no.

- It never got that far.
- Got the flamed hair.

- No, no.
- It didn’t go that far.
It never got to the bedroom.

No, it was just clothes off
in the kitchen and we...
( chuckles )

- I’m gonna say good-bye now.
- Yeah.

- Thank you very much, yes.
- Bye.

Buh-bye. Buh-bye.
Buh-bye.

Oh, Christ.

Probably gonna get a call
from her later begging me
to come over.

You and Stuart seem
like the perfect match.

Oh, cool. Thanks.

I know you’re not
supposed to think about
what might have been,

but, you know, I see him
with that house and all
these fancy friends

and, oh, it just
makes you think.

- Sorry, I hope
I’m not being too...
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

It’s fine. Honestly,
I’m sure he’d love to
hear you say that.

Bloody hell, mate.

The women in your world,
I don’t know how you get
anything done.

Yeah, it is tricky.

And this is not even one
of Alan’s best parties.

- Honestly,
I’d only give this C-plus.
- A "C-plus"?

Yeah, and that’s
just ’cause I like Alan.

Well, I’ve got to
come back out here
sometime.

Do you wanna swap lives
for a week?

I can shag supermodels
and you could do I.T. sales
in Wolverhampton.

- Isn’t it so pretty?
- It’s gorgeous.

- What’s that?
- Here you go, darling.

Thanks.

- You look cold.
- Oh, yeah, a little.

- There you are.
- Aww, thank you.

Hey, cheers for this, guys.

- Hey, you’re welcome.
Of course, yeah.
- Thank you.

You’ve made it.

( music playing )

Both:
♪ There’s a girl
that’s been on my mind ♪

♪ All the time ♪

♪ Su-Su-Sussudio ♪

Oh.

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

Wait, wait, wait.
They were fooled, right?

- We’re not celebrating unduly?
- We definitely fooled them.

Are you kidding?
They absolutely thought
we were madly in love.

- I could tell.
- Well, I’m not a trained actor,

but it’s not hard faking
being in love with you

when you’re looking
this beautiful.

See, if you said stuff
like that on real dates,
you would be fine.

I’m not this relaxed
on real dates, though,
you know?

It’s just so much easier
having a fake girlfriend.

Why am I only
discovering this now?

I could have had
a fake girlfriend
all through school.

I could have lost my virginity
to my fake girlfriend when
I was at college.

Hey, you could’ve finally
had that threesome you want

with your fake girlfriend
and her roommate.

Oh, that would’ve
been amazing.

I’m just about
to be brilliant.

I’m--
( laughs )

I’ve figured out
what you should do
with your life.

- What?
- You should go back
to college.

What? No, I can’t
go back to college.

- I’m too old.
- No, you’re never too old,

you know,
there’s mature students.

You go back, and I’ll tell you,
you get a decent education,
the world’s your oyster.

Can I just, like, go back?
No, it’s too expensive.

Well, according to our little
deal, I’m already paying
for your room and board,

so you don’t gotta worry
about that.

I’m gonna do it.

I’m going to college!
Whoo!

And I’m paying
for her accommodation.

( both scream )

♪ I’ll say the word, oh ♪

♪ Su-Su-Sussudio ♪

- ♪ I’ll say the word, oh ♪
- Thank you.

♪ Su-Su-Sussudio ♪

♪ I’ll say the word, oh... ♪

- Oh, well, this is me.
- Oh, nice place.

Thank you.
I had fun.

We should do it
again sometime.

Absolutely, but, uh,
are you gonna invite me
in for a nightcap?

Oh, it’s probably
not a good idea.

My landlord
is freakishly tall,

super creepy,
and he’s kind of a dick, so...

Is he or did you eat all of
his chocolate-covered pretzels

and then not make
any effort to replace them?

No, he’s just
kind of a dick.
Night.

( gasps )
How did you get in here?

- Well, good night.
- Good night. Yeah.

And thank you again
for doing all that.

- Yeah, of course.
- I appreciate it.

It was fun.

- Thank you.
- Oh, you’re welcome.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Are you gonna leave
the glasses on for this?

- Yeah, I won’t be able
to see anything otherwise.
- Um...

actually, no, I think
the glasses should come off.

- Let’s just--
we’ll just put these here.
- All right.

- Okay.
- Well, don’t put them there

’cause we might roll while--
and crush them.

- Oh, okay, well...
- Thank you.

- Okay, happy?
- Good, I’m happy.

- Are you happy?
- Yup. Mm-hmm.

- Should I get a condom?
- Yeah.

Yeah? All right.

Jack be nimble-- ah.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

I hit my toe on that.

- Are those lady weights?
- No, they’re just regular.

Yup.

Bibbity-boppity-- ah.

- Ooh.
- Forgot they were a pair.

Yup.

All right.
Here we go, yeah.

- This is it.
- Hey there. All right.

- This is it.
- Okay.

All right.
Here we go.

Can’t...

- Talk amongst yourself.
- ( giggles )

- All right, there--
oh, there we are.
- There it is.

There it is.

Which...

Which side is it?

Ooh, put your glasses
back on.

You look like
a giant prawn.

A giant prawn?
Is that your pillow talk?

All right.
Let’s get this on.

Whoa, whoa. Where--
what is this condom?

- What language is this?
- It’s Turkish.

- Well, where the hell
did you buy a Turkish condom?
- Online.

- Why?
- Yeah, get them online.

- ( gasps ) Oh, my God.
Were they cheap?
- No, they weren’t cheap.

- No, they weren’t.
15 bucks for 80.
- Oh, my God, Stuart.

- What?
- We’re not using
a cheap Turkish condom.

Well, that sounds racist.

You really think the way
to have sex with me is by
calling me a racist?

Sorry, but my conscience
doesn’t take time off

just ’cause
I’ve got an erection.

I would like
an American condom, please.

- Oh, for fuck’s sake.
- ( groans )

All right,
what about this?
Durex?

You had an American condom
this whole time?

It’s made in China.
Do we trust the Chinese?

We happy with those fellas?

- Oh, come on. Let’s just--
- Okay.

- Oh, um, no.
- What?

- That’s gonna stay on.
- No, the bra’s gotta come off.

- What are you talking about?
- No, I just-- I don’t want
you to, uh--

I don’t want you to see
my boobs. That’s weird.

- What?
- You are my landlord.

It’s just too intimate.

We’re having sex.

Have you not noticed?
It’s gonna get pretty intimate.

No, it’s-- no,
that’s a deal breaker.

That’s crazy.
I need full access
to the body.

I need to be able
to run amuck on it.

Well, you’re definitely
not "running amuck."

This is crazy.
You’re a very demanding lover.

You can touch one
and then I will see
how I feel about it.

- No.
- Well, then I don’t know
what this is, then.

- I don’t-- I’m--
- Stuart.

- I can’t focus.
- Maybe this is a bad idea.

- No, this is a good idea.
- I’m losing my mojo.

- This is a good idea.
- No, I just--

Look at that.
Isn’t that nice?

Yeah, just, like,
talk dirty or something.

- What do you want me to say?
- I don’t know.

- Just be creative.
- There’s so many rules
prancing around this place.

Yeah, well,
you’re lucky
to be here, pal.

So just give me some filth.

Okay, here it comes.

- This is it.
- Okay.

This is it.
The dirty-- the dirty--
is that what you wanted?

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Yeah? You got it.
You got it.

Ahem.

Ooh.

Ooh.

I’m gonna...

I’m gonna do things to you

that your mother
wouldn’t approve of.

If she came in here now,

she’d be like,
"Jessica, what are you doing?

Get off that young man.
We’re a God-fearing family.

- We don’t approve"--
- Okay, can we not do Mom?

- Let’s take away-- yeah.
- You don’t want the mother?
Okay.

- I wanna-- I wanna fuck--
can I say fuck?
- Sure.

Yeah?
I wanna fuck you

in the traditional manner.

But also--
but take the penis--

- mine--
- Mm-hmm.

--and just whack it against
the soles of your feet.

And then poke it
in between the toes.

- No, no.
- Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo.

- Maybe not feet. Let’s just--
- Okay, not feet.

- Come off of that.
- Bring it up-- I’m
bringing up the leg.

I’m gonna bring it higher
onto the thigh.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Mr. Penis...

with a delivery for you...

of some delicious hot cock.

- You can’t laugh.
- I’m sorry.

- I’m sorry.
- I don’t know
what the rules are here.

Oh, Stuart.

Just kiss me and let’s
get this over with.

- "Get this over with"? Really?
- Yes. Mm-hmm.

( Jessica laughs )

Jessica.
I mean, of course.

Right under your nose
all along.

So romantic.

It’s like
"When Harry Met Sally."

Eh, more like
"When Harry Potter Met Sally."

So walk us through it.

What were you wearing?

- Well, I had a blue shirt--
- Hey, sorry I’m late, guys.

I was making a kick-ass risotto
and you have to keep stirring.

- Ror, Stuart made love
with Jessica.
- Uh-uh.

Well, actually, they rubbed
their clitorises together.

Wait, you slept with Jessica?
How could you do that?

- You know that her and I
have a thing.
- What thing?

"What thing"? There’s, like,
sexual tension every time
we’re in a room together.

You do know that
sexual tension

is not just you being tense
in a room with someone?

Oh, that makes sense.

Yeah, ’cause otherwise,
I’d have sexual tension
with my father.

- Wow.
- So do you want to date her?

( sighs )
Do I want to date her?

- Great questions of wonder.
- Yeah.

You know, I haven’t thought
that far ahead, really.

It was just the moment took us,
you know, and there was--
there was a passion,

certainly, in the boudoir.

- Hey.
- And we get on well,
you know?

- You’ve seen that.
- It’s so much sexual tension.

It’s not just about
sexual tension, though.

I think there’s also
something else, you know?

There’s an ease.
I’m relaxed around her.

I’m not trying so hard.
I’m not going into my shtick.

- Yeah.
- And she saw your tiny penis.

My penis is
of normal size,
all right?

- I will put it up
against any man’s.
- Wouldn’t be the first time.

Don’t cheapen
what I’ve got here, please.

- Kives.
- Yeah, right?

So what was
the first kiss like?

Was it like falling
into a warm bath?

Yeah.
It was a little bit, yeah.

- I am so excited about this.
- You need to calm down.

Oh, no.
It’s romance.

Stuart:
This is a delicate matter.

The truth is, bro,

I’ve sort of developed
feelings for Jessica.

Which I did act upon

last eve.

You mean you fucked her?

I wouldn’t put it
like that.

No, I would say
that we, um,

intercoursed...

sexually.

I assumed you were
fucking her already.

Me, no. No.

Well, thanks for
not calling last eve.

’Cause I was with...

that.

Oh.

She used to do porn.

She used to...

- Do porn.
- Porn.

I thought you said porn.

Good for her.

Knock, knock. Hey.

I got you a little gift.

Um, just to help you with
your college application.

- Oh, thank you.
- Of course.

That’s so sweet.

Good.

And, uh, also,

in other news, um,

I have been thinking...

I think we should
start dating.

Yeah, I spoke to Glenn.
He’s cool with it.

He’s already having sex
with a porn star.

And, you know, we get on well.
We got a good rapport,
you know?

We sort of basically hang out
all the time anyway.

And, you know,
we’ve made love.

And that seemed to go well.

I’m not saying
there’s not improvements
to be made, you know?

I got a few ideas
for next time.

But, you know,
I really like you,
I think you would like me.

It’s just-- why not?

Um...

wow, that’s a lot to absorb.

Yes, sorry.
I got a bit gabbley
because I was nervous, but...

I mean, what do you think?

Um...

You know, Stuart,

last night was not
something I was expecting

or even thinking about.

And I had fun.
I did.

Um... but I don’t
really think now

is a good time for me
to be in a relationship.

I just have so much shit
in my life to figure out.

Absolutely. No,
I’m saying I can help you
with that shit, you know?

And we can take it slow

and maybe just start
with a first date.

I just-- I really wanna
figure out this college thing

and I don’t really think

I’m in the right head space
to date anyone.

Is it okay if we just
stay friends for now?

Of course, yes, totally.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sorry, I didn’t want this
to seem heavy or anything.

I just-- yeah,
I just thought
I’d put it out there.

But, yeah, absolutely.

- I will let you get back
to your work.
- Okay.

And, uh,
see you around.

All right,
I’ll see you around.

Wade:
Main thing is the
friendship’s still there.

Stuart: Yeah, that’s
the thing I was most worried
about jeopardizing,

- the friendship.
-And she didn’t say never.

Yeah, I think it’s just about
giving her enough time to,

- you know, get her
head together.
- Yeah.

I think the bedrock
to any great relationship

is the friendship.

And you just water it
and make sure it
gets enough sun

and it’s gonna blossom.

- You think so?
- I know so.

Well, I hope so.

Your friend’s right.

Yeah.

Sorry,
I was eavesdropping.

- Which is-- that’s rude.
- No. No, not at all.

You know what?
I eavesdrop all the time.

- It’s all right.
- ( woman laughs )

I don’t usually
just sit at bars

listening to strangers’
conversations,

I just, um,
I’m locked out of my building

and I’m waiting for my sister
to bring the extra key, so...

- That happened to me once.
You know what I did?
- Hmm?

I buried a spare key
in my front yard.

How did you remember
where it was, though?

It’s under the only
yellow flower.

- Shh.
- Shh.

- That’s a good idea.
- It is, right?

I’m gonna steal that.
The idea.

- Not my key, though.
- Not your key, though.

The idea.
Just the idea.

- Hey, by any chance
do you live alone?
- Um, yeah, I do.

Have you ever thought
about what you would do

if you fell over
and hurt yourself and
couldn’t call for help?

- Every day.
- You know, me and my buddy
Stuart here,

we started a system.

I text him AG,
means all good,

every two hours
so he knows I’m okay.

He doesn’t get that text,
he sends some help.

Can I get in on that or...

- Oh, definitely.
Let me get your number.
- Okay.

Listen, I, uh,
I just remembered
I gotta take off.

- Oh, okay.
-Yeah.

No, no, you stay.
Please.

Look after this lady.
Wait for her sister
to get here.

- He never leaves
a damsel in distress.
- Yeah.

- Gentleman. All right,
thanks for talking.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, I’ll see you soon.
Nice to meet you.
- Bye.

See ya, buddy.

- Well, I’m gonna
scooch on over.
- Yeah, scooch down here.

- I’m Wade, by the way.
- Kate. Hi.

- Kate, nice to meet you.
- You, too.

- Um, so here’s
a good question...
- Yeah.

...um, let’s say you can
only have three items

- in your earthquake kit,
right?
- Mm.

- What do you choose?
- One, flashlight. Two,
iodine tablets.

- Three, whistle.
- Whistle.

Yeah.

- This is weird.
- It’s so weird.

- To whistles.
- To whistles.

To whistles.

- So how long have you
been in this area?
- About five years.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, I looked it up and they
have a really low crime rate.

It’s the lowest.
It’s the lowest.

- It’s like tri-county.
- Exactly.

- Tri-county.
- We must have read
the same website.

I’m sure we did.
I’m sure we did.

( woman talking on TV )

- Sorry, did you want to watch
something else or...
- Oh, no. This is good.

- This is all right?
- Yeah.

Rory:
That’s it.
I’ve got to say something.

We’ve been working
for three hours here

and you haven’t said anything
about my new hairstyle.

Oh, sorry, mate.

It looks good.
It does.

Thank you.
That’s all I wanted to hear.

( whispers )
Stuart.

Stuart.

- What’s wrong?
Everything all right?
- No.

I was working on
my college application
because it’s due tomorrow

and my computer froze
and I think I just lost
my entire essay.

And I don’t think
I saved it the last time
I went through it

and I don’t know what to do.

Calm down, calm down.
It’s all right.

I’ll take a look at it.

It is completely frozen.
I didn’t do anything.

Stuart:
I think you got
some corrupted files.

Do you think you can
get my work back?

Hopefully.

I saw you going into
that new bar on Sunset
the other night.

Oh.

Yeah.

Just had a drink there.

Was it a date?

Um...

yeah, kind of.

So when you said
you weren’t

in the right space to...

to be dating,
what you meant was
you don’t want to date me.

( sighs )

Stuart, I’m sorry.

I wasn’t asking you
to marry me, you know?

I just said come out
on one date.

Why did you not
give me that?

It’s not you.

I just have, like...

You know, I...

I just need to know...

why you don’t
want to date me.

- Stuart.
- I’m getting too old
to keep fucking up.

Please.

( sighs )

You’re a really good guy.

You are.

But honestly, I...

I think

that you’re
just competing with
the past, you know?

And I can’t get involved
with someone...

who’s 35 and...

still obsessed with
sitting at the popular table.

I can’t.

I don’t know.
I guess I just
have this image

in my head of

who I’m gonna spend
the rest of my life
with, you know?

The one. My one.

And I’m really sorry,
but I just don’t
think it’s you.

Well,
thanks for being honest.

Is that your essay?

- Oh, my gosh, yeah.
- Yeah, great.

- Thank you.
- You’re welcome.

- Should be okay.
- Yeah.

I, uh...

think maybe
you should move out.

Oh, you don’t think
we can get past this?

I think it would be
too difficult.

You know,
you’ll be around and dating.

I know I’d help you
with the rent and that
still stands.

- No, no, you don’t
have to do that.
- No, please.

We made that deal.
It’s fine.

Take as long as you need
to find somewhere else.

Good night.

- Here are my keys.
- Oh, thanks.

- Bye, Rory.
- Bye, Jessica.

Okay, bye.

Yup, bye.

( door shuts )

- You okay?
- I will be.

( man talking on TV )

( woman talking on TV )

( line ringing )

- This is Glenn.
-Hey, it’s Stuart.

Glenn:
Chicken Wings.
What’s going on, buddy?

Stuart:
Just sort of feeling like
I need to let my hair down.

I was wondering
if there’s any fun parties
this weekend.

Glenn: Alan’s having another
boat party. Want me to
put you on the list?

Stuart:
Yeah, that would be good.
Thank you.

Do you mind if I bring
a couple of friends?

- Are they cool?
-Yeah.

Glenn:
Why not? All right.

- Oh, oh!
- You okay, you okay?

There we go.

( both grunting )

Hello. Hello.

You’ve never seen
"The Poseidon Adventure"?
Oh, it’s great.

Stuart.

Oh, hello, sir.

- Thank you for having me back.
- Haven’t seen you lately.

No, I haven’t really been
in the party mood
if I’m honest, sir.

I sort of split up
with a girl.

Plenty of more beavers
in the river.

Well, maybe, yeah.

I quite like this beaver.

Don’t get hung up
on any one woman.
Not worth it.

- You know what pussy is
spelled backwards?
- No.

- "Wise up."
- Oh.

- Funny, right?
- Yeah, it’s good.
It’s clever.

Glenn, lost the sunglasses
again if you could just
pick them up.

Stuart, look after
my friends Brooke
and Riley for a bit.

Where’d you
see them last, Alan?

- Hello, ladies.
- Hi.

Kives: And then she said,
"That’s not why it’s
called a poop deck."

Just one second,
ladies.

( whispering )

- Take care of it.
- Yeah.

One second.

Hey, buddy,
this is a little awkward,

but Alan has a slight issue
with your friends.

What do you mean?

Glenn:
It’s just not really
the vibe

he’s going for
at these parties.

But Alan said they can
hang out below deck

just so they’re not in
everybody’s faces so much.

- "Below deck"?
- Yeah, but you can
hang out up here.

I think Riley likes you.

- All right.
- Yeah.

- You good?
- Sure, yeah, of course.

Thanks, buddy.

I have the funniest
story from Cabo.

You’re gonna
lose your shit.

Two years ago,
I go down there...

Alan, sorry to interrupt,
mate.

I just wanted to
ask you something.

Glenn said you’ve got
an issue with my friends
being up on deck.

- I don’t care
about your friends.
- No? Oh, that’s good.

Right, I thought
there must have been
a miscommunication

’cause it would
seem hypocritical

given that you’re
a misogynistical wanker
who’s gonna die alone.

Funny, right?

Glenn, get your friend
the fuck off my boat.

- He’s not my friend.
- No, he’s not my friend.

He’s just a toady, really,
that I just use to try
and get girls.

All right, well,
I’ll show myself out.

Cheers, mate.
See you later.

Kives: How in the fuck
you get us thrown off a boat
full of models?

Stuart:
Sorry, you know, I just...

Kives: I want you to know
this is the worst thing that
has ever happened to me...

and I can’t walk.

Jessica:
When I started at college,
I was really excited.

But then
a couple of months in,

I just-- I started
feeling adrift again.

I kept thinking, like,
"Why am I even doing this?

Where am I going
and what am I gonna do
with the rest of my life?"

But then I was in class
this one day

and this professor was giving
this fascinating talk...

All your actions
must have universality.

...and I realized

I loved that
I knew something

I didn’t know
an hour before.

I was just enjoying
being there in that moment.

I wasn’t worried
about the future.

I was just there.

So that’s just good enough
for me right now.

That’s exactly how I feel
when I rock climb.

Wow, you rock climb?

- I do.
- Cool.

- Jessica.
- Oh.

Hi.

Oh, this is
Marion and Paul.

- And this is Josh.
- Glenn. This is Brooke.

- Hi.
- Hi.

So what are you up to?
How’s it going?

Just been working 24/7.

Oh, I finally got
a parking spot on P2.

- Oh, wow. Great.
- It’s awesome.

So how’s Stuart doing?
Have you seen him?

- Who cares?
He’s a fucking asshole.
- Whoa.

- I thought you guys
were best buds.
- Fuck that dude.

He disrespected Alan
on his own boat and he
calls me a "toady"?

I looked it up.
It’s some British slang.

He basically called me
a sycophantic little bitch.

People in this town.

I gotta go, though.

Alan’s by himself at a club,
so I got to meet up with him,

but, uh,
see you down the road.

Okay.

- Trudy: Hello?
- Hey, it’s Stuart.
Is it a bad time?

No, no. Not at all.
I’m just making breakfast.

We had an incredible time
and we loved Jessica.

She’s adorable.

Oh, yeah.
No, she is. She is.

Um, that’s actually
the reason I’m calling.

Uh...

she’s not my girlfriend.

Oh, I’m sorry.

You guys broke up?

No, um, we never dated.

Also, I never dated
Nicole Kidman.

She’s just a friend.

She’s not a friend.
I never even met her before.

Sorry, I’m confused.

Why would you do that?

Because I’m an idiot.

And I wanted to impress
you and Mike.

But anyway,
I just wanted to call
and apologize for that.

Okay.

Um, are you okay?

Yes. No, I’m good.

Everything’s--
everything’s good.

Well, take care of yourself.

- And you.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

I went,
"What do we do?"

And I said,
"You need some milk."

I couldn’t understand,
so I’m like, "No."

Get the milk out,
it’s expired.

I pour it, it’s chunky,
cottage cheese...

Disgusting.

Drink it
and you’ll feel better...

What is the bet
to stay in the game?

- $2.
- The bet is $2
to stay in the game?

- $2.
- I... I’m out.

It’s a shocker.
Shocker that you folded.

Can I get my homeboys any more
paella or patatas bravas?

Stuart:
Yes, thank you.

( answering machine beeps )

Jessica:
Hey, Stuart, it’s me.

Jessica.

And, um...

I know we haven’t
spoken in a while,

but it is my birthday
on Friday.

And I will be having drinks

in the same place
as last year

where I’ll be pretending
I’m the same age as last year.

So if you’d like to come,

it would be great
to see you.

Okay, I hope you’re well.

Bye.

( music playing )

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Happy birthday.
- Oh, thank you.

- This is my girlfriend
Kate.
- Hi.

- Oh, it’s so nice
to meet you.
- You, too.

- This is for you.
It’s from both of us.
- Thank you.

- Both of us. See you later.
- Okay.

- Hello.
- Hi.

I am Wade’s friend Stuart.

Oh, it’s very nice
to meet you.

Nice to--

- This is for you.
Happy birthday.
- Oh, thank you.

- Wow.
- I think you’ll be
very pleased with this.

It is a gift card
for 24-hour tech support.

Amazing, right?
So if your computer crashes
or if you lose any essays,

- you just holler and I’m there.
- Thank you. That’s very sweet.

- And cheap.
- Very cheap.

- That’s the other bonus point.
- Yeah.

- The only thing it cost me
was Rory’s time.
- Rory.

He worked
night and day on it.

- How is Rory doing?
- He’s good. He’s very good.

Oh, wow. I miss him.

So sorry to interrupt,

- but I need your help
writing this text.
- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I just need to fire
my manager tonight.
- Okay.

It is 10:30.
Is that the time to do this?

- Hey.
- Stuart: Hey.

How’s it going?
Please, sit down.

- Sorry about earlier.
- Oh, don’t worry.

No, it’s your birthday,
you know? You’ve got
stuff going on.

- How’s college? Good?
- Oh, I love it.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

And everybody’s real
respectful of me because
I’m twice their age.

- Perfect.
- So that’s good.

That’s good.

So how are you?
Any models in your
life at the moment?

No. Supermodels and I
have mutually agreed to
take some time apart.

- Wow.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Good.

What about you?
How’s the search
for the one?

- Yeah, I’ve been on a couple
of dates with this guy.
- Uh-huh.

- Josh.
- Mm-hmm.

He’s very nice, but, eh,
I’m not sure he’s the one.

I’m not even sure
I know what the one is.

I’m not convinced
of your idea of the one.

- Oh, no?
- No.

I don’t think love is about,
you know, fireworks

and, you know,
just birds singing
and the perfect person.

- That’s a little depressing.
- No, I don’t know. Do you know
what I think it’s about? Love?

- Hmm?
- Percentages.

- Yeah, I’ve been
thinking about this.
- Percentages?

It’s all about percentages.
You know, like, all right,
look at you and me, okay?

Now 18% of the time,
you drove me crazy.

I’m talking fucking insane,
all right?

But 82% of the time,

I had more fun with you
than anyone ever.

You know, that was
good enough for me.

So I-- I don’t know.

I think consider
what your percentages
are with Josh

and if you like
the numbers,

give him a go.

Then again, what do I know?
I mean, I came here with Wade.

Let’s get shots!

Come on!

- Wanna have a shot?
- No, I won’t have a shot.

- Oh, come on.
- No, no, no.

- ( overlapping chatter )
- Please, guys, honestly,

one, I’m too old and B,
I’ve got work tomorrow,
honestly.

Well, my assistant’s got work,
I’ve got to take the credit.

So I’ve got to be there
to check on him.

You go.
It’s your birthday.

- It’s really good to see you.
- Good to see you.

- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.

Come on.

( music playing )

♪ You still got that light
in your eye ♪

♪ And our day is
coming by and by ♪

♪ I’m traveling
this long road ♪

♪ To be with you ♪

♪ We still
got a long way... ♪

Jessica: Stuart.

79%.

Josh makes you happy
79% of the time?

- I’d stick with that bloke.
- No.

79% of the time
I’m happy with you.

♪ The first time
I set eyes on you ♪

♪ I listened to you sing... ♪

Wait, 79%?
I gave you 82, woman.

That’s because I’m better
than you in every single way.

- Name three ways
you’re better than me.
- More mature.

20/20 vision.

I am of normal human height.
There’s so many.

Yeah, fair enough.

♪ So long ago,
but it feels like yesterday ♪

♪ And I just want
to tell you ♪

♪ You still got that light
in your eye ♪

♪ Yes, you do ♪

♪ And our day’s coming
by and by ♪

♪ I’m traveling
this long road ♪

♪ To be with you ♪

♪ We still got a long way ♪

♪ We still got
a long way to go ♪

♪ Shining light,
shining bright on
the days gone down ♪

♪ Shining light,
shining bright on
the days gone down ♪

♪ Shining light,
shining bright on
the days gone down ♪

♪ We won’t forget
the days gone down ♪

♪ They’re written
in our hearts, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ And we’re as much in tune
as we were right at the start ♪

♪ It all seems
so much harder now ♪

♪ It seemed so easy then,
yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Well, someday just for fun,
we might do it all again ♪

♪ I just wanna tell you ♪

♪ You still got that light
in your eye ♪

♪ Yes, you do ♪

♪ And our day is coming
by and by ♪

♪ I’m traveling
this long road ♪

♪ To be with you ♪

♪ We still got a long way ♪

♪ We still got a
long way to go. ♪