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Subtitles ripped by Worst
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300 cubits long, by 50 cubits
wide, by 30 cubits high...
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higher than Mr Brittas' office.
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With three decks and stairs so
the animals can go two by two,
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00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:42,239
to spend a penny and be sick.
6
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Do they have pennies on the Ark?
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And I've worked out a seating
plan, mammals over there,
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00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:50,997
reptiles up the
front, fish along here
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00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:53,918
with the sharks separated
from the nice fish of course.
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00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:55,473
You don't need to
put fish on the Ark,
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00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:56,953
they can stay in the sea!
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00:00:57,080 --> 00:00:58,274
Eh?
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What's a flood to a fish? It's
more room to swim around in.
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00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:03,429
Julie! You have a brain!
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I can see why that young man
of yours wants to marry you!
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00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:07,508
Oh him, yeah.
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00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:09,352
The fish can stay in the sea.
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I don't have to have
the whales on board,
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there'll be more room,
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00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:14,313
the chickens can be free range.
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Two minutes from now, you'll
be a minute late for work!
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00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:20,716
Yeah and in three months'
time, some people have spent
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00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:22,831
thirty eight years
being thick as a brick!
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Thank you Julie.
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00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:27,752
And it's thirty seven!
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Mr Brittas, as you know I've
been helping Linda's bible class
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00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:33,431
with their project
about Noah's Ark.
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Now I've laid out the dimensions
so that the children can see
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-how big it was...
-Colin!
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00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:38,509
but with your permission
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I would like to launch a small
scale model I have made of the
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-Ark in the pool.
-Colin!
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I've filled out all the forms
Mr Brittas, in topciplicate.
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00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:48,394
Colin..? What do
you see before you?
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00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:49,999
I see you Mr Brittas!
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God's gift to the
leisure industry.
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Colin, I can see a whole load
of old rubbish over there!
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00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:59,230
Supermarket trolleys, car
wheels, bicycle tyres...
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00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:01,789
we had the travellers in here
last night, hundreds of them.
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00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:04,275
Did we? Now that explains why
there was all that underwear on
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00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:05,628
the rose bushes this morning!
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00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:07,074
Left in a hurry did they?
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00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:08,997
They certainly did,
when I threw them out!
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00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:10,553
Get it cleared up please.
45
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:14,317
Oh you're not looking at that
one of me in my beach pyjamas
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and my sunburnt nose, I look
awful, throw it away!
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00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:18,759
No, no, you look lovely!
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00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:21,440
Do I? Oh, it's not
even my good side!
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00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:22,788
The other side is
my good side look!
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00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:24,876
If you hold it up to the light
you can see my good side.
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Welcome to the Whitbury
Newtown Leisure Centre,
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how may I help you?
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-It's me Carole.
-Oh sorry Mrs Brittas!
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I'm free now aren't I?
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00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:33,877
Yes, there's no-one in
for counselling today.
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00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,991
Good. Carole, my last
client when he left...
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00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:39,271
did he walk all hunched up, head
down, jabbering to himself?
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Yes Mrs Brittas.
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Good! Good he's getting better!
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00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:45,678
Funny thing about
the twins Carole...
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Oh I know, it's the flash that
frightened them, but look, you
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00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,834
can see their little eyes from
underneath the sofa and actually
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00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:52,598
their eyes... their
eyes are blue not red.
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00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:55,630
No, not that one, this
one of them in profile...
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00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:57,668
they remind me of someone.
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00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,234
Oh do they really? Royalty
perhaps? Or Cliff Richard?
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00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:04,160
Well no, although oddly enough,
they look like Mr Brittas.
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00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:05,599
Mr Brittas!
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00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:07,551
They don't look like Mr Brittas,
what a stupid thing to say.
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00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:09,950
I'm sorry, but they do
they look like Mr Brittas.
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00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:11,911
No they don't they haven't
even got blazers on!
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00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:13,673
How dare you!
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00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,228
Sorry but they do
look like Mr...
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00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,516
They do not look like Mr
Brittas. My twins have beautiful
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00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:20,632
round faces, Mr Brittas has a
great big craggy sort of face.
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Morning Carole!
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Mr Brittas, I was talking
about another Mr Brittas,
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00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:26,394
a Mr Brittas with a great
big craggy sort of face.
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00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:28,677
Carole are you planning
a nervous collapse?
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00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:30,950
There's a procedure
for that sort of thing.
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00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:34,877
Good news from the pool, the
urine content is down to 9% .
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00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:38,630
Good man Gavin, meeting
in ten minutes please.
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00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,149
Mr Brittas, just before you
go Mr Brittas, could I...
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00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:42,599
see your profile ... could you
turn to the side Mr Brittas?
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00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:43,948
Carole, I'm a very busy man.
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00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:46,036
I don't have time to
turn me head to one side!
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00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:47,474
Cockroach Mr Brittas. SCREAM
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00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:49,108
Oh it's true!
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00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:52,034
It's not true there is
no cockroach Carole,
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00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:55,152
this is a cockroach free zone,
you're seeing things again.
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00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,555
It's a nightmare, it's
the end of the world.
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00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:01,559
It's just stupid newspaper
talk cos of the millenium.
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00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:06,037
Cockroaches taking over, global
warming, sea levels rising.
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00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:08,720
It would take a pretty high
tide to reach here Carole.
95
00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:10,717
How am I going to
live with myself?
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00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:12,956
Carole you don't have
to live with yourself,
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00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:16,516
you've got Ben and just
look at those lovely twins,
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00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:19,473
their father must be a very
proud man, whoever he is.
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00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,436
Heads I marry him,
tails I don't...
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00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:26,589
...Best of three.
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00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,911
Heads I marry him,
tails I don't...
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00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:30,868
Best of five
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00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:32,508
BRITTAS: Julie!
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00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,358
I'm busy, I'm planning my life.
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00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:37,916
BRITTAS: Come in here with your
notepad and pencil please.
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What now?
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00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:44,199
Right Julie take a note please.
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00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:47,312
I'm afraid Carole is having
some sort of nervous collapse,
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00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:49,556
she's to have counselling
sessions with Mrs Brittas.
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00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:51,836
Isn't that a bit like
taking coals to Newcastle?!
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00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:54,870
Deduct it from her wages please.
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00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:57,716
Right Julie! What is today?
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00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:02,869
The 22nd Julie. It is seven
years to the day since we opened
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00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,036
this centre and I
took the reins of
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00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:08,835
what has become a leading player
in the leisure centre industry.
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00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:10,957
Julie!
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00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:12,798
See those two flies on the
window? If the one on the right
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00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:14,353
gets to the top
first, I'll marry him.
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00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:16,398
Julie ...
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00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:17,873
Oh he's buzzed off I'll
take that as a no! What?
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00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,195
Look you've spent weeks trying
to make up your mind Julie,
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00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,673
why don't you just
marry the man?
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00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:23,712
How can I marry a
man I can't stand?
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00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:26,633
Treat it as a challenge
Julie, many women do.
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00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,239
Lucky for you they do!
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00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:32,315
I was locking up and there they
were all over the car park..
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00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:33,754
...gypsies!
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00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:35,916
So, I phoned Mr Brittas at home
and he was in the middle of
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00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:37,837
making a kedgeree for some
people who he'd got coming to
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00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:41,077
dinner, but he came straight
round and he was amazing!
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00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:44,351
He just turned them out by
sheer force of personality.
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00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:46,078
You mean he bored them
to death until they left.
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00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:49,717
But then this old gypsy woman
stepped forward,
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00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:51,353
like Mother Teresa
with a moustache,
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00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:53,919
she pointed two fingers at him
like that
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00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:55,354
Oh please!
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00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:58,876
She put a curse on him. The
guest who eats food from your
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00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:02,834
hand shall die like
a dog in a ditch.
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00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:05,958
The guest who eats food from ...
140
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:09,073
hey, what if he eats a
sandwich he made himself?
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00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:11,038
There's every chance he'll
die like a dog in a ditch.
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00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:12,354
I like it!
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00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:14,433
I don't believe in
curses of course!
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00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:19,075
Morning all or should
I say Happy Birthday.
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00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:20,519
In you come Julie!
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00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:22,198
Da, da!
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00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:25,790
Congratulations to us all on
seven glorious years here at
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00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:29,151
Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre.
It is seven years to the day
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00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:31,555
since the first member
of public came through
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00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:32,908
those hallowed portals.
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00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:34,712
And you threw him
out Mr Brittas.
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00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:38,593
He was wearing unauthorised
water wings Gavin!
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00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,789
Attention to detail is my middle
name. Come on Linda,
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00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:43,399
blow the candles out please.
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00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:46,153
Right now, make a wish.
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00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:47,554
I wish ...
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00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:51,072
You wish we could all work
here forever as a happy team,
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00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:54,749
quite right Linda. Right
now, slice of cake anyone?
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00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:56,199
Oh lovely!
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00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:59,551
Right, let me hand
it to you personally!
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00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,955
-What?
-I made it myself!
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00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:05,395
- You made it?
- I did, be my guest.
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00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:09,798
Guest! Well perhaps not, got a
tummy upset actually Mr Brittas.
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00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:12,790
Linda, come on made
with my own fair hand.
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00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:15,388
Could I have mine later,
I had a big breakfast.
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00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:18,239
Anyone would think it
was poisonous. Tim?
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00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:20,510
Erm, I'm allergic... to candles!
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00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:21,993
I'll have a slice.
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00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:23,599
But you're slimming Julie.
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00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:24,948
I am not, I lost
weight having the baby!
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00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:26,433
EXPLOSION
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00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:27,834
What was that?
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00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:29,188
What's that smell!
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00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:31,550
I'm sorry I'm late Mr Brittas.
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00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,636
Don't worry about the explosions
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00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:37,673
I discovered a nasty build up of
methane gas in the stench pipe.
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00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:40,234
But I've been down there,
rigged up a pilot light
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00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:43,113
and there will controlled
detonations throughout the day.
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00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:47,031
Well Colin, just this once, top
management approves your action.
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00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:48,434
Thank you very much Mr Brittas.
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00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:50,710
I've also taken the precaution
of putting these little birds
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00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:53,752
around the place, to
test for foul air.
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00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:58,159
We're celebrating seven years
of Whitbury, we're having cake.
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00:07:58,320 --> 00:07:59,958
Thank you very much Mr Brittas.
185
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,719
Don't touch it! Not in
those gloves I mean.
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00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:07,960
Point taken Linda ...I'll take it
and put it in my pocket and I'll
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00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:10,594
enjoy it later after I've thrown
out the main sludge build up.
188
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:16,028
Well I must say, I'm
a bit disappointed
189
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:18,355
as any cook would be...
nobody having my cake.
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00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:21,519
Mr Brittas, you're eating cake.
191
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:24,274
That's right Linda. Never
seen a man eating cake before?
192
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:27,472
What you all staring at?
193
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:30,194
Naaah .....
194
00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:32,629
you've been telling them about
the gypsy curse haven't you?
195
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:34,677
Erm, we don't believe
it Mr Brittas.
196
00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:37,473
You were worried I was
going die, well I haven't.
197
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:39,792
It's early days yet Mr Brittas!
198
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,958
The question I've always wanted
to know the answer to is...
199
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:49,312
why did I say yes to going out
with Gordon in the first place?
200
00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:54,512
You're a yes sort of person,
you're the sort of person that
201
00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:57,029
say's yes! You always will be.
202
00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:02,397
Always, you mean I can't change?
Well what's the point in all
203
00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:06,149
this then? Thirty quid an hour
and you can't change people?
204
00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:08,840
It's a racket, it's
daylight robbery!
205
00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:12,313
Just practising, staff
training.
206
00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:13,759
Is another client
waiting for me?
207
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:16,952
Yes it's me, I put my
name down in the book,
208
00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:22,438
I've come to talk about
my twins and their father.
209
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,028
Oh Carole, you're not still
trying to find him are you?
210
00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:27,833
He could be anyone, anywhere.
211
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:31,032
The twins are three now, do
remember three years and
212
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:32,878
exactly nine months ago,
213
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,798
we all went to a New Years
fancy dress party at Julie's...
214
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:39,117
And Colin won first prize as
Fungus The Bogeyman
215
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:41,316
and he wasn't even dressed up!
216
00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:44,113
I went up to the bedroom to
get a tissue from my coat!
217
00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:47,710
it was dark, a man came
in, he said nothing.
218
00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:51,230
He was very tender,
romantic and loving,
219
00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:53,316
And I've never regretted a
moment of it Mrs Brittas.
220
00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:57,319
Nor should you, it was
a beautiful thing.
221
00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:00,959
I think it might have been
Mr Brittas, Mrs Brittas.
222
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:05,551
Gordon! My Gordon?
Oh Carole surely not.
223
00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:07,238
He was dressed as
King Kong Mrs Brittas!
224
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:09,078
What was Mr Brittas dressed as?
225
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:10,633
Well ... King Kong ...
as it happens, but
226
00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:13,593
Gordon wasn't the only gorilla,
like there were several tigers.
227
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:15,039
No there were only two tigers.
228
00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:17,276
I was dressed as a tiger and
you were dressed as a tiger.
229
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:19,709
I now realise that he
thought I was you.
230
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:22,075
Oh Carole, I'm sure
you're imagining things.
231
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,475
He wasn't tender, loving and
romantic with me Mrs Brittas,
232
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:25,874
he thought he was
making love to you!
233
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,479
I'm sure you're wrong.
I saw him in the garden
234
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:29,079
talking to a pillar box.
235
00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:33,195
Nine months later I
had twins Mrs Brittas.
236
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:36,471
You've had twins, Mr Brittas is
a twin. Twins run in the family
237
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:39,398
... now look at my twins Mrs
Brittas. Look at their profiles.
238
00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:45,797
I've been dreading
this moment Carole
239
00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:50,677
I've always suspected
that it might be Gordon too!
240
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,995
I didn't mean to steal
your husband Mrs Brittas.
241
00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:57,674
I know you didn't Carole.
242
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:01,952
It was just one of those
gorillas that pass in the night
243
00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:05,789
I thought the gorilla loved me
244
00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:10,391
for myself, but he
didn't he loved you.
245
00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:14,035
Which means nobody
loves me Mrs Brittas!
246
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:17,755
I love you Carole, even though
you're the other woman!
247
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:22,479
He has to be told you know.
248
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:25,478
TELEPHONE RINGS
249
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,636
Yes ... what?
250
00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:30,194
Oh Beryl, yes I'm so
glad you could come to
251
00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:31,753
dinner last night too
252
00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:36,431
What? A bit of a crisis?
Oh, have you ... Harold,
253
00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:38,755
what you mean he's ill?
254
00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:44,238
He's dead! He can't
be dead. The kedgeree?
255
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:47,830
Well Gordon made it, of
course he washes his hands,
256
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,952
Gordon's very careful, he
doesn't make silly mistakes,
257
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,116
Gordon always knows
what he's doing.
258
00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:54,958
CRIES
259
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:56,957
Well mostly he does!
260
00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,678
Gavin, I've made a
decision about this cake,
261
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:03,268
we'll flog it to the
public, 50p a slice.
262
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:05,436
Is that really wise Mr Brittas?
263
00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:08,438
Gavin there is nothing wrong
with this cake ... gypsy curse,
264
00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:11,120
she had a mobile phone.
265
00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:13,276
No, no, not the goldfish!
266
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,790
All that curse nonsense is in
the mind Gavin, and old Goldie
267
00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:19,753
here doesn't have a mind, he
lucky. Look at him, he loves it.
268
00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:21,552
EXPLOSION
269
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:24,757
Ah, got to talk to Colin, should
be here in three minutes time.
270
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,474
I'm sorry I'm early Mr
Brittas. The children are
271
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:28,794
here for the launching.
272
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:31,354
Colin, you're not putting live
animals from children's corner
273
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:32,959
on that Ark are you?
274
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:34,957
I don't want them moving
their bowels in the pool.
275
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:37,432
No Mr Brittas, the children
are putting their little
276
00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:39,516
toy animals on the
Ark two by two.
277
00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:40,914
EXPLOSION
278
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:43,679
I want a written report about
this marsh gas problem please.
279
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:47,156
It's caused by a mass of
impacted excrete Mr Brittas!
280
00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:48,474
In the U-bend!
281
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:50,956
Have it on my desk
by midday please.
282
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:54,791
Wilco Mr Brittas, I'll
wrap it in newspaper.
283
00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:56,639
I think he meant
the report Colin!
284
00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:58,113
Hey, this canary's dead.
285
00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:00,117
Marsh gas, the air's
not fit to breathe!
286
00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:01,878
Everyone stop breathing!
287
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,433
No it's not to do with air,
288
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:05,039
it's those cake crumbs
you gave it off the floor!
289
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:07,549
Mr Brittas' cake
is above suspicion.
290
00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:11,355
Oh really! Goldie only
had two or three crumbs!
291
00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:15,513
I suppose my husband's
in his office
292
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:17,437
You alright Mrs Brittas?
293
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,630
I'm in a state of shock.
294
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:22,513
In fact I'm in two states
of shock at the same time.
295
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:24,997
I'm sorry.
296
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:29,430
Hello twinnies,
just looking at you
297
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:33,149
Mrs Brittas, we have a major
problem with Mr Brittas.
298
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:34,872
We may have to restrain him.
299
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,956
It's a bit late for that.
300
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:40,595
BABIES CRYING
301
00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:42,910
Who's toy can be Mr Noah?
302
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,275
-Batman.
-Yeah, Batman's the nearest!
303
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:46,594
He's got a cloak to
keep out of the rain.
304
00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:50,508
And Mrs Noah can be ...
Sindy, yep!
305
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:54,519
We've got two teddies and one
My Little Pony from Laura.
306
00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:56,710
- LINDA: There's Uncle Colin.
- Hello children.
307
00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,717
Hello Uncle Colin.
308
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:00,991
This is serious Colin,
what are we going to do?
309
00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:02,348
One thing at a time Gavin.
310
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,232
Should we do the launching
down at this end Uncle Colin?
311
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,356
No I think we'll do it down
at this end Aunty Linda
312
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:09,790
and I'll tell you why. So
that we can slide the Ark
313
00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:13,276
down the slide and it'll
go whoosh into the water,
314
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,072
like a lifeboat being launched.
315
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:17,430
Right, round you come.
316
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:20,359
EXPLOSION
317
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:21,959
Ooh, there's the thunder
318
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:24,793
It's going to rain for forty
days and forty nights.
319
00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:28,799
Not really, not real rain.
320
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:34,233
Upstairs ... at Julie's
party? I thought it was you!
321
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:38,475
Well it wasn't, it was Carole.
I was downstairs washing up
322
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:41,478
plastic cups because they'd
run out, making myself useful.
323
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:44,669
But it was you on those
coats, I recognised you,
324
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,153
the stripes on your flank.
325
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,231
Carole's costume came
from the same shop.
326
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:50,716
But they were your
whiskers, they tickled!
327
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:54,080
They were Carole's whiskers
Gordon, it was Carole.
328
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:57,149
But you led me on,
you swished your tail.
329
00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:00,716
It was Carole who swished her
tail. Is that all it takes to
330
00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:02,114
make you beat your chest?
331
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:05,316
I beat my chest did I?
332
00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:07,553
She said you did.
333
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:11,439
If only I'd gone as the tin man
this wouldn't have happened.
334
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:15,509
Now the rain is coming down,
and it's filled the whole pool.
335
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:19,349
It's time to launch
the Ark Uncle Colin.
336
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:22,950
Bye teddies, bye
Batman, bye Sindy... bye ...
337
00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:24,752
I name this ship Noah's Ark.
338
00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:27,440
God bless her and
all who sail in her.
339
00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:38,112
Maybe I should
have shut the portholes.
340
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:40,670
So, that's five children
you've got including
341
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:42,677
Carole's two and our
three
342
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:45,837
We've got four children Helen.
343
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:50,388
Alright, making six. And then
there's Ben to think about.
344
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:52,872
I wish I was dead
345
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:54,473
Oh that reminds me,
did you wash your hands
346
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,079
before you made the
kedgeree last night?
347
00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:58,071
MRS BRITTAS: Because one
of our dinner guests isn't
348
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:01,590
very well, Harold ...
he's ... not well at all.
349
00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:04,033
In fact he's dead!
350
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,191
Dead!
351
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:07,548
Go away I'm busy!
352
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,557
You're not doing anything!
353
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:11,756
Yes I am, I'm listening to
what's going on in there.
354
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:14,036
Now that's not right
Julie, there is such a
355
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:15,434
thing as executive privacy.
356
00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:17,632
What is going on in there?
357
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:19,910
Mind your own business!
What do you want?
358
00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:22,235
I've got an appointment
with him at 1 1 o'clock.
359
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:24,157
Councillor whatsit's here!
360
00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:25,554
Tell him to wait.
361
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:28,238
There was nothing wrong
with that kedgeree.
362
00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:29,588
I washed the rice myself.
363
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:31,392
Well you managed to
kill your best friend.
364
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:34,915
This is not a very good
morning for me Helen.
365
00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:38,352
It's only 1 1 o'clock.
366
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:43,672
Harold wasn't just my best
friend, he was my only friend.
367
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,791
Why don't you
count Carole then?
368
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,471
I told you Helen, at that
moment I was worshipping
369
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:51,953
you with my body.
370
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:53,957
Well you missed!
371
00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:56,917
There's
bound to be a post mortem
372
00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:58,712
-On Carole?
-On Harold!
373
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:00,912
This is a nightmare.
374
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:04,551
JULIE: I'm sending Councillor
Druggitt in ... he's in my way.
375
00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:08,357
I'd better get back to Carole,
try and repair your damage.
376
00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:10,357
Helen, look I'm
right behind you.
377
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:12,277
From now on, I want you to
stay right in front of me
378
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,072
where I can see
what you're doing!
379
00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:23,230
Gordon! Congratulations!
Seven glorious years.
380
00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:26,909
I'm sorry counsellor, I've
just had two bits of bad news.
381
00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:28,996
Well it's good news now Gordon.
382
00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:31,315
We're giving you
early retirement!
383
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:33,638
Early retirement?
384
00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:35,955
That's right, end of the month
off you go to the golf course.
385
00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:38,469
Early retirement?
I'm a young man Jack!
386
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,238
Ah, that's the beauty
of it, you'll get forty
387
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:41,759
or fifty years of retirement.
388
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:44,911
We drew lots;
your name came out of the hat
389
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:47,508
Well budgets being what they
are, someone had to go!
390
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:52,031
All the names went in, mine
included and ... out came yours.
391
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:54,959
You lucky man!
392
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,676
This has not been a very
good morning for me Jack
393
00:17:57,800 --> 00:17:59,597
and it's only two
minutes past eleven.
394
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:04,075
Here's your coffee.
What a morning!
395
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:08,758
Wonderful. Oh, biscuits...
yes I'll have a biscuit.
396
00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:11,519
Mr Brittas made those, there's
some sort of curse on them.
397
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:15,151
Biscuit making... grand
retirement hobby!
398
00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:17,748
Good old Gordon. Can I have two?
399
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,439
Be my guest.
400
00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:22,870
Birth, death, early retirement
what else is there?
401
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,558
What's your trouble Gordon?
402
00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:26,636
It's like I'm having
a terrible dream,
403
00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:29,877
only I know I'm not dreaming,
I've still got my trousers on.
404
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:36,317
Nonsense, today is the first
day of the rest of your life...
405
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:40,274
...and mine. By the way,
these are delicious!
406
00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:46,955
If you could just sign there,
there and there for your pension
407
00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:50,117
and oh yes, I hope you
don't mind, but I've
408
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:51,992
got to take the
nameplate off your door.
409
00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:55,237
They want to put it on the golf
trolley they're giving you.
410
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:57,999
Oh! What a giveaway!
411
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,556
I don't think he deserves this.
412
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:08,150
There'll be some changes here.
If you want to keep your job...
413
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:14,355
Oh ... oh dear my stomach,
oh my head ... my, my heart.
414
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:18,359
Oh it's all self with
you! Isn't it, me, me, me!
415
00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:20,914
It's him that's got
the problem and me!
416
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:22,393
Do you think I
should get married?
417
00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:24,590
Er, could I have
a glass of water?
418
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:26,915
You don't need a glass of
water, just say yes or no.
419
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,998
Well they do say these
things come in threes Helen.
420
00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:33,317
Early retirement of course means
we'll have more time to spend
421
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:37,797
with the children and more
children to spend time with.
422
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:41,714
Of course, I'll be able to
attend Harold's funeral,
423
00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:43,193
so not everything's gloomy.
424
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:46,232
- Mr Brittas!
- Hang on a second. What?
425
00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:47,998
- It's Councillor Druggitt.
- What about him?
426
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:51,510
- He's dead!
- Of course he's not dead.
427
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:53,915
He's sat in there as stiff as
a ramrod with his eyes closed
428
00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:55,473
Well maybe he's
just dropped off!
429
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:57,556
That's right, he's just
dropped off his perch!
430
00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:00,031
Mr Brittas would
never kill anyone,
431
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:02,310
especially not a Councillor.
432
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:05,593
He has too much respect
for local government.
433
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:09,076
Colin, the facts are staring you
in the face. Druggitt ate the
434
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:12,829
biscuit, he's dead and Brittas'
guest ate the kedgeree and he's
435
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,155
dead, the goldfish
and the canary,
436
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:17,191
they ate the cake
crumbs and they're dead!
437
00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:20,318
Marsh gas is very strange
stuff Gavin. It builds up,
438
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:21,714
it forms pockets.
439
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:24,038
You can't be telling me that
marsh gas made pockets
440
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:25,513
in the kedgeree last night.
441
00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:27,671
I wouldn't put it past it!
442
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:29,791
It's marsh gas that's causing
the greenhouse effect.
443
00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:32,753
The sea level's rising, the
level in the pool's rising.
444
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:36,073
And look at that cup of tea ...
I've been sipping at that all
445
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:37,633
day and it's still full!
446
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:40,718
That pipe's dripping Colin.
447
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,956
I thought it had a funny taste!
448
00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:45,036
Colin, Brittas is
killing people!
449
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:47,276
Killing people who
accept food from him!
450
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:50,437
tomorrow's the start of
Whitbury senior citizen week
451
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:52,755
we're doing the Darby
and Joan tea party,
452
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:56,350
Brittas is making the pilchard
sandwiches, it'll be a massacre!
453
00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:58,038
HISSING
454
00:20:58,160 --> 00:20:59,832
My word, look at that!
455
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:01,837
the build up of pressure
in the toilet is almost
456
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:04,235
out of control, this
could be the big one!
457
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:06,669
We could pebble
dash five counties!
458
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,439
Colin, I'm talking
mass murder here!
459
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:10,834
So am I!
460
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:14,589
I'm gonna have to get greased up
and crawl down that stench pipe.
461
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:17,518
Wish me luck.
462
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:20,431
I'm talking to a lavatory wall.
463
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:27,758
A fine man and a great
Councillor, deeply missed...
464
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:30,519
Still, it's an ill wind,
when you think about it
465
00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:33,074
it's Councillor Druggitt
that's taken early retirement.
466
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:36,795
Please Julie, no flippancy
at this very sad juncture.
467
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:38,990
No, he's gone and
you won't have to!
468
00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:43,875
That ... is a very good point
Julie. Things are looking up!
469
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:46,230
I won't need this
anymore that's for sure.
470
00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:50,711
Is that my cake?
471
00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:54,230
Someone's thrown my cake away
Julie. I baked that cake with
472
00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:56,874
my own hands, with the finest
ingredients, what happens?
473
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,798
Someone chucks it away. At
least the birds can have it.
474
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:01,148
Oh are you sure?
475
00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:03,032
Don't you think we'll get a lot
of dead birds on our hands?
476
00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:06,277
Naaah ... a lot of mumbo-jumbo, in
fact it's jumbo mumbo-jumbo!
477
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:07,958
Naaah.
478
00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:10,958
You know what? If an even number
of birds falls out of the sky,
479
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:13,036
I'll marry him.
480
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:20,637
Carole...
481
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:24,436
I don't really know
what to say Carole.
482
00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:26,912
It's not like you Mr Brittas.
483
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:29,876
I think from now on you
should call me Gordon.
484
00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:33,550
Thank you ... Gordon.
485
00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:37,393
Perhaps you'd like
to call me ... Tigger!
486
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:41,599
I don't think so Carole,
487
00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:43,472
that's what I call Mrs Brittas.
488
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:49,629
About Julie's party Carole;
I'm afraid I'd had a drink,
489
00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:52,829
I'd had several
units of fruit cup.
490
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,749
-Look ... I just wanna say...
-No, please don't Mr Brittas!
491
00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:59,269
those caresses were
meant for somebody else
492
00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:03,109
Mr Brittas, they were meant
for Mrs Brittas, Mr Brittas.
493
00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:06,674
I meant those caresses
at the time Carole,
494
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:08,756
whoever was on
the receiving end.
495
00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:11,273
Thank you Mr Brittas.
496
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,994
I suppose I'm a surrogate
mother Mr Brittas.
497
00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:17,240
And a very wonderful
surrogate mother Carole.
498
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:20,192
Are my surrogate children in?
499
00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:25,030
I've just sent the children ...
our children to playschool.
500
00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:27,549
I gave them banana sandwiches, I
hope that meets your approval?
501
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:30,275
-On brown bread I trust?
-Of course, Mr Brittas!
502
00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:37,799
One more thing, have you told
our children who their dad is?
503
00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:41,510
No, I thought I'd wait 'til
they're forty and sitting down.
504
00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:49,032
Quite right Carole, they can
call me Uncle Gordon until then.
505
00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:54,074
Oh by the way, I plan on buying
them each a premium bond.
506
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:57,394
Oh, how very
generous Mr Brittas.
507
00:23:57,520 --> 00:23:59,511
Ah look who it is, Mrs Brittas!
508
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:05,596
Well, I think the one thing
that's definite is that we
509
00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:08,518
should all stick together for
the sake of the children.
510
00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:11,677
Yes. I've just got
to go to the office.
511
00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:14,114
I'll see you later my darling!
512
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:15,673
BOTH: Alright darling.
513
00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:21,959
Yes, I know you
fought in the war,
514
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:23,911
so you know how to make
your own sandwiches.
515
00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:25,639
We had to come in the back way,
516
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:27,637
the place is full of
dead birds out there.
517
00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:30,715
We didn't find the gypsies, not
even on the bypass.
518
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:33,075
Right, so we can't get the
gypsies to lift the curse,
519
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:34,633
so we've got to find
some other way of getting
520
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:36,079
Brittas out of harm's way.
521
00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:38,316
Maroon him on a desert
island, except
522
00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:40,158
without any Shakespeare,
a Bible or any records.
523
00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:41,952
EXPLOSION
524
00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:43,798
Pop him in that space
under the swimming pool ...
525
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:45,393
Where the stench
pipe starts, yes!
526
00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:47,431
He's not gonna go down
there without a fight.
527
00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:49,437
Well we'll reason with
him, he's a reasonable man.
528
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:51,835
Colin, I'm sorry, you'll just
have to deal with it yourself,
529
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:54,474
I'm facing a mutiny here. Bye.
530
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:57,949
Gavin, I am the
captain of this ship ...
531
00:24:58,080 --> 00:24:59,877
Oh come on Mr Brittas, you know
it makes sense. Do you want to
532
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:01,513
go down in history
as a mass murderer?
533
00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:03,949
Look, I'm not going into
any space under any pool.
534
00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:05,638
It's for the good of
Whitbury Mr Brittas.
535
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:07,352
EXPLOSION
536
00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:10,872
I'm sorry Mr Brittas, but if
you won't go quietly then I am
537
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,958
taking command of this leisure
centre. Is this your ruler?
538
00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:17,550
- Yes!
- Your command is at an end!
539
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:20,274
- Linda... citizens arrest.
- You're nicked Brittas!
540
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:22,595
No I am not!
541
00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:24,233
Mr Brittas.
542
00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:25,952
What is it Julie, I'm busy?
543
00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:28,310
The police have come
about your kedgeree.
544
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:30,317
They want to see you outside.
545
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:32,590
Sorry to say this, we have
to evacuate the building.
546
00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:35,109
Colin, we practice
evacuating the building
547
00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:36,878
at 1 1 o'clock on Tuesdays.
548
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:39,116
People of Whitbury
set their watches by it.
549
00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:41,754
This isn't practice Mr Brittas,
this is the real thing
550
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:45,998
She's about to blow! You
have thirty seconds.
551
00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:48,873
Right, I'm resuming command,
this is an official crisis.
552
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:50,752
- Yeah, when isn't it?!
- Ring the police.
553
00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:52,518
The police are here.
554
00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:54,517
Clear the building! Linda
get the public out please.
555
00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:55,834
There aren't any.
556
00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:57,393
There was only one all
day and you threw him out.
557
00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:01,274
Oh well done, you threw out
the first punter and the last.
558
00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,197
Well he was petting in the pool.
559
00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:05,276
Out of the centre please.
560
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,516
Right as soon as
the centre goes up
561
00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:12,551
I want all these dead
birds disposed of.
562
00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:14,716
Watch out that goose is
heading straight for us!
563
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:32,838
Not now Helen ...
or is it Carole?
564
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:36,157
It's the hearth rug Mr Brittas.
565
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:39,795
You're alright now Mr
Brittas we're on my Ark,
566
00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:42,559
I've been secretly building
it in the car park.
567
00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:45,558
We're afloat, we're safe.
568
00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:48,311
What... in the pool you mean?
569
00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:50,198
On the ocean Mr Brittas.
570
00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:52,788
Hello Gordon, we're your wives,
571
00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:55,229
you can be everyone's
father now.
572
00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:57,999
We've got to
repopulate the world.
573
00:26:58,120 --> 00:27:00,714
We've drawn up a roster.
574
00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:05,952
Wh ... where's my blazer? What's
this dressing gown thing?
575
00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:07,593
I've got to go Mr Noah
576
00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:10,154
we've got a build up of
droppings in the bilge
577
00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:12,756
That's the good news ... the
bad news is the woodworm have
578
00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:15,394
escaped, they're breeding like
flies and they're starving.
579
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:19,155
-Abandon ship!
-To the lifeboats!
580
00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:21,430
-Women and children first.
-Tickets please, tickets please!
581
00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:24,438
What do you mean tickets?
582
00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:26,473
CONDUCTOR: Tickets please!
583
00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:28,192
Oh Gordon, wake up!
584
00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:31,790
Where am I?
585
00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:36,869
Bellsley Junction, ten minutes
to Whitbury, tickets please!
586
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:39,434
Last chance for a cup of
coffee if you want one.
587
00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:41,869
- I'll have a flapjack
- Cup of tea please.
588
00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:45,998
Helen, I've just had
this amazing dream,
589
00:27:46,120 --> 00:27:47,758
with all these people in it.
590
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:50,314
You fell asleep right in the
middle of me talking to you
591
00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:52,431
I hope you don't do that
at your interview, you're
592
00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:55,597
never gonna get this Whitbury
job if you don't concentrate.
593
00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:57,870
Excuse me please.
594
00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:04,476
HELEN: Now they're bound to ask
you this one, they always do ...
595
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:06,477
why do you want the
job as Manager of
596
00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:07,874
Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre?
597
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:10,036
Why do I want the job?
598
00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:15,188
I want the job Helen
because ... because
599
00:28:15,240 --> 00:28:18,073
I have a dream!
600
00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:22,273
TITLE MUSIC
48157
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