All language subtitles for s5-1 en

Songs of Praise, comes
this week from Whitbury New Town.

From the building
which, one man at least

had argued is the real
heart of the community.

The Leisure Centre, newly rebuilt after the
tragic fire which destroyed it last summer.

Aaaand where do you think you're going?

Well, I was just-
-What?

Just going in there.

I'm afraid you can't. Not these toilets.

You're here to sing hymns, aren't you?

Yes.

Yeah, so in that case you use the
facilities that have been arranged for you.

You go through the gymnasium,
across the car park,

and you'll find some toilets just on
the far side of the rugby field, alright?

Hello, can you hear that?

Yes, right.

Oh, Mr. Brittas

Sorry about the delay, Pamela.

May I take this opportunity of extending a
very warm welcome to our Leisure Centre.

If there's anything all I can do
to help the day go more smoothly,

you only have to say.

Well, thank you, actually
we were rather hoping

to be started by now, but
nobody seems to be allowed in.

No!

We do have to have to
practise singing the hymns.

Yes, of course, Pam,

and the door shall be open

just as soon as I have staff available
to marshal people's behaviour.

Ah, these two gentlemen
have very kindly...

Unfortunately I've gotta take them away.

We've got a special
staff meeting you see.

A staff meeting? What about our interview?

Looking forward to it enormously Pam.

Can we put it on a 20 minute hold, though?
Tim, Gavin, this way.

Pam, could you make sure your people
don't use the toilets.

We've just had The Centre rebuilt,

we're a bit concerned
about vandalism, alright?

Hello Carole.
-Hello Laura.

It's wonderful to be back?
Everything's so new and shiny.

Yes. Children don't mind?
-What?

Moving back into drawers.

No, no, I think they're
looking forward to it.

Which reminds me, I ought
to unpack them, oughtn't I?

Are they in one of these?

I've packed them separately
this time, Laura,

we've had a few squabbles
recently, I'm afraid.

They should be in the
ones with the air holes.

Like this?

Oh, well done. Thank you, this is Ben.

And these must be the twins.
-Which?

The one marked "Cat Food."

And, no, no, no this one's a microwave.

There you go Ben.

Good morning everybody!

All set for the big day?

Helen, I didn't think you were coming?

Oh, not the service,
no, but I'm being interviewed.

Well, at least Gordon is,
but I have to be there too.

We're a team!

I thought you've always
avoided things like this?

Ta-dah!

Today, I can do anything!
-Pills? What are they?

No idea. Got them from
Jonathan's chemistry teacher.

He sells them outside the school gates.

I suppose he's raising money
for school funds, or something.

I think they're meant to give
you a bit of a sort of lift.

Actually, they give you a buzz,

like sticking two fingers
in the mains socket.

That's 20 quid well spent.

Well they seem to be working.

They do, don't they?

The only trouble is, they only
last for about half an hour,

after that, you fall asleep.

So as long as Gordon is not late...

We can always hope, hmm?

Is that Mr. Brittas' book?

Yes, he seems to think Pam Rhodes
might like a signed copy.

I only read the bits they
serialised in the paper,

but I found them most -- uplifting.
-Did you?

You didn't like it?

It was probably my mood, but I
couldn't sort of get into it, you know.

He's had such an
interesting life, hasn't he?

Fires, drownings, explosions!

I can't think of anyone else
who's done all the things he has.

I don't think any of us can.

I'm all in favour of helping them Gavin,

but let's do it in an
orderly fashion, shall we?

Staff room everyone.
Got a lot to organise!

Gordon, Gordon what about our interview?

Looking forward it enormously, my darling.

Rather urgent staff briefing first.

Laura, two minutes.

Carole.
-Yes, Mrs Brittas.

Could I have a glass of water.

Yes, of course.

So, our problem is that shortly

we will have some 800 people
rehearsing hymns in our gymnasium.

All of whom will want to use the resources
of this leisure centre

and our job is to make sure they don't!

I'm sorry, I'm late Mr. Brittas.

Alright Colin.

I've had a bit of trouble
with this new medication

I'm taking for tension and stress.

Colin.

Basically it's a muscle relaxant, you see,

but unfortunately it has
tended to relax muscles

that in an ideal world,
shouldn't relax at all.

Colin, we've got an
awful lot to get through.

Righto, Mr. Brittas.

Right, now the most important thing

is to contain the public
in this area here,

which is sealed off by the
corridors marked in red.

Now, just in case anyone breaks through

I want roving patrols in
the areas marked yellow,

and then...

What is it Gavin?

It's just a thought Mr. Brittas,

but if 800 people really
want to use The Centre,

why don't we let them?

Allow them into The Centre?!
-Yes!

I bet we can make a lot of
money, especially in the canteen.

Tell him, someone please.

Laura.

Mr. Brittas is worried about
the pigeonholes, Gavin.

We're talking about public safety, Gavin.

We cannot allow the public into The Centre

until our communication system
is in full working order.

We could take away the toilet
paper, Mr. Brittas.

Pardon?

That way, if anyone
broke through the patrols

and tried to use a toilet,
they'd get a real surprise!

If I may say so, Mr. Brittas
some of us...

Nobody is taking anything away, Linda.

This is Songs of Praise.
We're not conducting a war.

We want people to feel welcome, alright.

Over to you, Laura.

Okay, the actual recording
starts tonight at 6 o'clock.

That's 1800 hours.

But Mr. Brittas wants us all
on our seats an 1.5 hours earlier,

for a fingernail and underwear inspection.

Did I say that?!

No, no, I think I made that one up.

Right, we will be sitting here,
in the seats marked in green.

So does that mean we're in the front row?

Yes, that's right.
-Oh great!

Give me
the card please, Timothy.

You know what I'm talking about.

May I just remind you all

that we are representing
the entire leisure industry

on a premier national
television broadcast.

We want people to switch on and say,

"What a fine bunch of people they are?

"Athletic, dignified, attractive..."

Mr. Brittas, sorry,

I can't seem to see my name
in the front row, Mr. Brittas.

No, unfortunately Carole,
we ran out of seats.

You and Colin will be sitting -- there.

That's outside, is it?

Yes, Colin, we'll leave the doors open,

so you'll be able to hear most
of what goes on, alright.

Laura, if you'd like to
give out the badges, please.

Now, I'd ask you to wear
these in a prominent position,

so that if you are "on-shot"
as they say in TV land...

Is that what I think it is, Carole?

I'm sorry Mr. Brittas.
-Take it out please.

She can't seem to settle
in her new drawer!

Outside, Carole please.
-Yes, Mr Brittas.

I don't think the BBC will
allow us to wear these,

not before the watershed.

It's just a harmless bit of advertising,
for Whitbury, Julie.

Oh, it's Whitbury, is it?
-What?

It's the printers, I'm afraid Mr. Brittas.

They've put an "S" instead of the W.

Life isn't perfect for any of us,

so if you can just bend your knees.

There's a good girl.

Oh, Councillor Drugett.

Welcome to Whitbury New
Town Leisure Centre,

and how may I help you?

Is it my imagination or
are the doors all locked?

Yes they are.

It's such a shame. We so
wanted to be open by today.

I think after being closed for a season

and spending 3.5 million
pounds, most of us were.

Is there any particular reason this time?

I'm afraid, it's the pigeonholes.

Apparently they are not working properly.

Yes. Well, could I see Mr. Brittas

I'm afraid he's very busy organising
Songs of Praise at the moment,

but I'm sure he'll have
time to explain it to you.

Communication Jack, is the
basis of my management style.

If my staff don't know what they're doing.
-Oh, quite.

So let's imagine I've just issued

a detailed warning to them
about what to do in the event of, say --

an acid spillage in the pool pump area.

Yes!?
-This is what happens.

What? What happens?

The fault is intermittent Jack,

but if you wait, you'll see what I mean.

While we're waiting,
Gordon, I wonder if

I could ask you why
you've cancelled the army?

The army?

600 men from the Parachute Regiment,

wanted to pay to use this
place for fitness training

while their new barracks is built.

I gather you said no.

I had no choice, Jack.
-No choice?

Jack, I'm as loyal a supporter
of the armed forces as any man.

A more upstanding group of Her
Majesty servants, you couldn't ask for.

But, as I said to the Colonel,

to your average Joe tabloid squash court,

the army is sadly perceived

as a bunch of drunken squaddies
marauding the streets.

You said that?
-I did, I did!

"Colonel, if we let your men in here,

we lose the families.

We lose the ordinary decent people

who won't feel comfortable bringing

their wives and daughters."

There we are Jack, on
safety grounds alone,

I cannot allow The Centre to be open

until the builders have
rectified this fault.

"Monday week," they say.

All set in the Weights room, Mr. Brittas.

Right Laura. Jack if you'll excuse me,

I have to go for an interview
on nationwide television.

Laura perhaps the Councillor
would like a cup of coffee.

Sure.
-Thank you!

20p please Jack, in the honesty box.

I'm glad to see you two have made it up.

Well, it was my fault entirely, Laura.

Hardly.
-No, no.

Next time he shouts, "Oi, you!"

I shan't waste any time thinking

what's is he on about now,

I shall simply step back

before the scaffolding
pole lands on my foot.

I see he's shown you the pigeonholes.

Yes.

He has to go, Laura.

You're not gonna try and
fire him again, are you?

No, no, The Sun's "Get
behind Gordon" campaign

knocked that one on the head.

Well, he's not gonna leave any other way.

No!

Managing The Centre is
all he's ever wanted. Milk?

It's his dream.

Unless we give him a bigger dream.

Huh! Is that possible?

I only heard about this last week.

What do you think?

Golly!

I'm here in the Weights room
of Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre,

with the manager, Gordon Brittas.

Now he tells me that there's nothing
that he and his wife, Helen,

enjoy more than coming down
here and working out together.

Not at all Pam.

Now, Gordon, you came to
national attention last year

when your centre blew up,
and you rescued three small children.

He got a medal.

And you've written a book
about your experiences

I believe.

The profits of which
are to go to the charity

that you started -
Leisure In The Third World.

Yes, indeed Pam.

There are parts of our lovely planet

that have never even
seen a vaulting horse,

and my plan...

He wants to send one-- to Mozambique.
A whole crew flew out...

Mrs. Brittas, would you
mind if I just spoke

to your husband first and we'll
come and talk to you later?

Sorry, sorry.

We'll go from the second paragraph.

Now, Gordon, you came to national
attention last year when your...

Just one. I'll be
alright in a minute.

Okay? We'll go again.

Now this book that you've written,

you're going to give all of the proceeds
to the charity that you...

Thank goodness, I've
found you Mr. Brittas.

There's been a terrible accident.

I'm busy Colin.

And I'm not sure even
sure it was an accident.

It seems the perfect job for him.

European Commissioner for Leisure.

Brussels, Laura.
-Yes.

A pointless bureaucracy

spending vast amounts of public money.

It's all the things he's good at.

And it's a long way from Whitbury.

Exactly!

Obviously it needs to be
presented in a very careful way.

If he thinks you're presenting
it at all, you've blown it!

He's not going to be interested in
anything he hasn't thought of himself.

You understand him so well Laura.

Mmm.
-Which is why I wondered...

Ah!
-Well, nothing direct, you understand.

Just a casual mention

that you've seen something
interesting in the paper.

I'm afraid not.

No?
-I'm sorry, Jack it's just...

Look, Mr. Brittas doesn't
have a great many friends.

And if one of the two he has

starts going behind
his back playing politics.

I don't know, it just feels wrong somehow.

Yes, well, I'll just have
to do the best I can.

I'm sorry.

No, that's fine.

If you think you can live with it.

What?

Friendship and loyalty
are all very well, Laura,

but when the bodies start piling up again,

and they will, sooner or later,

I think I'd like to know

that I've done everything
I could to prevent it.

There's an awful lot about Laura in here.

"Fortunately, my quick
thinking, assistant Laura"

"without the ever resourceful, Laura"

She gets three whole columns in the index.

Really?

What does he say about me?
-Oh, let's have a look.

Whistler Tim, page 43.

That's it, one mention?

It's that bit, when he says what
he thought when he first met us.

"And finally, there was Tim.

That's one little mystery unravelled.
-What?

I've solved the riddle of the
pigeonholes. Come and see.

It suddenly came to me
when I was putting up that

"This is a Frown Free Zone" notice.

Bear with me,

Julie, give me a few seconds, alright?

Watch.

Good, eh?

Goodness!
-What did you do?

Well, it had to be some sort of vibration,

like a door slamming, and I
suddenly thought to myself,

"What door gets slammed more often
than any other in The Centre?"

Brittas' office.

Which happens to be
directly above that wall.

Perfect, what we do
about it, I'm not sure.

Perhaps if we wedge Mr. Brittas' door open.

Or nail it permanently closed.

I'll go and tell him about it, anyway.

Who knows? With an architect,
a structural surveyor

and a dozen or so carpenters,

we could be open by the weekend.

Laura! Come quickly.
There's been another accident.

On the other hand...

How can anyone do a thing like that?

It's not as if it was
appearing on TV Mr. Brittas.

What?

It can make some
people very nervous.

Well I think it's a grudge.

What are you burbling about, Gavin?

Well, we used to have a boy at school who
used to do that sort of thing, Mr. Brittas.

If he didn't like you,
he'd open up your desk and...

We're talking a congregation
of Songs of Praise, Gavin.

Now I think the most helpful
thing anyone could do,

is get this lot cleared up.

You'll need a shovel, Colin

Wilco, Mr. Brittas.

Gordon, what the hell is going on?

Careful where you tread, my darling.

We're supposed to be downstairs
during our interview.

Apologies my love, unfortunately...

At this rate I'm gonna need another pill,

and he said, if you take more
than three and you're out.

There's another lot down here, Mr. Brittas

What?
-Just round the corner.

It appears to be pretty fresh.

Gordon, if this interview
doesn't happen within the hour...

No, I'm coming right away, my darling.

Gavin, get a bucket.
Any other problems come up,

I do not want to know.

Hey, you've got a bishop
unconscious in the sauna now.

A tall chap, pointy hat, a big
lump on the back of his head.

What is going on around here?

Well, I'm wondering if we haven't got
another serial killer?

Alright, I'll deal with it. Follow me.

Gordon.
-Ah, Mrs. Brittas.

I was wondering if now might be a
good time to talk to your husband.

Well...
-Only he's not in his office.

No.

I'm so sorry, I just have to go and do...

Sorry...
-Good grief, what's that?

Oh, I don't know.

They thought it might be a serial
killer or something.

I'm sorry, I'm
really gonna have to get...

He'll be back here in a minute.

Quiet, attention please everyone.
Sit down, disperse, sit down please.

Right. Now.

Just to keep you informed.

The good news is that Bishop Tom
has regained consciousness.

Though not, unfortunately his speech.

Do we know who attacked him?

We don't know that anyone
attacked him, Carole.

Well something hit him on the head.

He fell off the viewing platform, Julie.

He's bound to have the odd bruise.

What about Councillor Drugett?

I'm coming to that.

What happened to Councillor Drugett?

He's been knifed all down his chest.

There was blood everywhere!

Please, please, please, please.

We do not know that he's been knifed.

It's much more likely
he tripped on the carpet,

and fell on his keys.

What!?

Well, that's three attacks in two hours.

I think we should clear
the building Mr. Brittas?

Yes.
-Yes.

Laura, have you any idea how long it takes

Songs of Praise to come
to a place like this?

I refuse to clear the building until we
know it's more than just a coincidence.

However, just in case there is someone
of an antagonistic disposition,

I am prepared to organise a search.

Oh, I see. He's going to split us up

and let whoever it is,
pick us off one by one.

Why don't we call the police?
-Yes!

The police have been informed, Laura.

And what did they say?

I said there was a possibility

and I emphasised the fact,
it was just a possibility,

that there may well be a
serial killer in The Centre,

and Sergeant Fairburn said

he'd pop round on his
way home this evening.

We're gonna die, we're all gonna die!

Nobody's going to die, Timothy,
as long as we behave sensibly,

act intelligently and keep calm.

Mr. Brittas.
-Not now Colin.

She's alright, she's
perfectly alright.

What are you talking about, Colin?

Your wife, I've just found her unconscious

on the floor of the Ladies.
-Helen!

Gently with my little lady.

Right, gently, there we go.

Right Linda, you know what to do.

Yes Mr. Brittas.

Is she badly hurt?

Right, let's find out Laura.

Not now Gordon, I'm too tired.

Helen, are you alright?
-What?

What did he do to you, my darling?

He took my pills.

Did he harm you in any way?

I said he took my pills.
There were 14 in that bag.

Alright, my love, alright.

It's not alright, Gordon
he's eaten them all.

Can you describe him?

And Jonathan doesn't have another
chemistry lesson til Thursday.

Look my sweet, I know you've just been

through a dreadful
experience, but try and think,

what was he wearing?
-He wasn't wearing anything.

Nothing, not even underpants?

Don't be stupid Gordon,

why on earth would an ostrich
be wearing underpants?

What?

I said why would be wearing underpants?

An ostrich!?

You were attacked by an ostrich?

I keep telling you, I wasn't attacked,

he just took my bloody pills.

Right now, before
you go, just a reminder,

I do not want any heroics.

If you find the bird,

do not approach it
under any circumstances,

but report back to my office, alright?

We are quite sure, are we Mr. Brittas?
-What?

Well that Mrs. Brittas did
actually see an ostrich?

You think she imagined
it or something Gavin?

No, no, no, no, absolutely not.

And she did have the place
evacuated on New Year's Eve

because of a giant millipede.

That was a simple
misunderstanding, Timothy.

Well, didn't she claim it was
trying to have sex with her?

My wife is on a hay fever remedy
with unfortunate side effects, Julie.

It's definitely an ostrich, Gavin.

Thank you, Colin.

I've been examining this sample.

Took this from a pile on the second floor.

Colin.

I should have recognised it earlier,

but it was only when
I examined it closely...

Colin!

We'll talk about it later, alright?

To your search areas please, everyone,

and remember, if you
see, or hear the bird

report back to the office.

And if the tabloid press get
to hear about this, Julie,

I'll know who's responsible.

It came from the Safari Park.

It disappeared sometime last
night. It's actually an emu.

Right, what are they gonna do about it?

They'll have a man
around here by 5 o'clock.

Five!

Well they've only got one van,
and it's delivering a panda to Swindon.

What are we supposed to do till then?

They didn't actually know.

Unfortunately their flightless bird
expert is away on a day conference.

Their seal and walrus man
suggested that we put a rope around it.

Why did it have to come here?

Did you know that the Safari Park
runs alongside the army camp?

The army camp? The army camp!

The Paras are not the wisest people
to have offended, Mr. Brittas.

Their Colonel was pretty upset.

You think they did it on purpose?

Oh, yeah!

I think you're lucky they
only went for a practical joke.

A joke?! We have an ostrich
loose in a leisure centre

and they call it a joke?

Yes? They found it!

Come on!

He's in the end cubicle, Mr. Brittas

I think he probably scented water.

I can't see anything.

Well he's got his head
stuck in a fire bucket.

It's probably the only
sand he could find.

Good grief!
-I've got an idea.

I don't wanna hear your ideas, Colin.

Wouldn't the safest thing be
just to leave it in there?

I'm not having an ostrich in
my disabled toilet, Laura.

I want that bird out now!

My idea, Mr. Brittas...
-I've warned you Colin.

I think we should keep our
voices down, Mr. Brittas.

He can't get out of there can it?

With 14 of those pills,
he can probably fly.

I'm ready when you're Mr. Brittas

Right, thank you Linda.

He's all yours.

Just show me where he is,

Mr. Brittas!

Over there, in that one.

Go on. Kill it!

I'm sorry Mr. Brittas, I can't.

But, you said downstairs,

anyone who lays a finger on a bishop
deserves to have their brain splattered.

There's a wall, get splattering.

It's an animal.
-Yes.

When you said you'd found out
who was doing all the damage,

I thought you meant a person.

I can shoot a person,

but I just
can't shoot an ostrich.

You're sure you wouldn't like
to hear my idea now, Mr. Brittas?

What is it Colin?

These muscle relaxants I've been taking

are very powerful!
-Yes Colin.

Now I thought if we give
the ostrich a handful

You think I'm gonna persuade an ostrich
to swallow your pills?

Not exactly pills Mr. Brittas.
They're suppositories.

Go away, Colin.

I only have to do this,
I just use this bamboo pole...

I said, go away, Colin.

Give me the rope Gavin.

Right, this is what will happen.

I will open the toilet door,

tie the rope around the
bird's neck and lead it out.

You Colin, will go
ahead, clearing the way,

and then you will help me tether the bird
to the bicycle rack outside,

where we will await representatives
from the Safari Park.

Now, just in case this bird
attempts any form of resistance,

the rest of you should
retreat to a place of safety.

Go on then.

Who's a pretty boy then?

Colin help me!

Help!

Colin, help!

Help me to get it out.

I think I've got it.

Broken bones over there please.

Anyone who came in
contact with the beak,

over there for inoculations.

Pam, you're quite sure are you?

What?

About not going on with the broadcast.

It's just I'm sure we could
find another organist.

If push comes to shove, I
could probably play myself.

Can we go now, please?

Well, when you're feeling better,
and you want to arrange another date,

just give me a call, alright?

Here, a present for you.

A little memento to help
you remember your visit.

I've signed it.

"For Pat,

Sorry you got a bit pecked!"

You take it easy now!

The last of the ambulances is gone Laura.

Good!

I thought we were quite lucky really.

It could have been a lot worse.

54 serious injuries.
It seems bad enough?

Funny isn't it?

Funny?

How things turn out Laura.

You know, I've spent the last eight months

thinking of nothing but
coming back to this place.

Managing my Centre again.

And now...
-What?

Well, I know it's a
terrible thing to say, Laura

but now it's actually happened,

it all seems a bit samey, you know?

Samey!?

Like I've done it all before.

I'm not saying I'm not
glad to be back, Laura.

This is the best job in the world

and I'll probably still be
doing it in 20 years time.

20 years.

But it's just, I've always wondered

if perhaps there isn't something more.

You know, painting on a broader canvas.

Still, shouldn't worry you
with my troubles, Laura.

No.

Would you--
excuse me a minute.

I've left something somewhere.

Builders, builders, builders.

European Commissioner!

Did you call me?

Laura, I've just had
the most extraordinary idea.