All language subtitles for Time.Bandits.S01E03.Medieval.720p.ATVP.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_[English] (SUBRIP)

Mum, Dad, I'm back.

I took myself to school.

You're welcome.

Where are you?

Mum, Dad, there's nothing to eat.

Where is everyone?

Is this some incredibly unfunny joke?

Kevin?

Where are you, you womble?

Got you, Kevin.

Random.

What was that thing in my house
who turned my parents to coal?

That was Fianna. She's a demon.
She's known as The Huntress.

My skin crawled when I saw her.

- She was terrifying.
- The stench alone.

Used to go out with her.

But fantastic hair.

- Amazing eyes. Look powerful.
- She's cool, yeah. Great gaze.

Now why didn't you tell us
you used to date that demon?

I was embarrassed.
You saw what she's like. She's full-on.

She turned my parents to lumps of coal.

- Exactly.
- Hey, guys. I foraged some leaves.

- But--
- Nah.

Yes,
we don't want to eat leaves, Bittelig.

Do you think Pure Evil sent her?

Pure Evil?

She was looking for the map.

Pure Evil must know we have it.

What? Oh, hell. Oh, no.

No, it-- But it's fine. I know what to do.

Well, no, of course I don't. No, I don't.

But we'll figure it out and--
Just relax, okay?

- We'll get through it.
- What about these strange roots?

No, thank you.

So, are my parents dead?

They do not look well.

We have a plan though

because we have the map
that allows us to travel through time.

If we can get there in time.

Yeah, and we can try to stop it.

Do you think that will work?

- No.
- Well, he doesn't.

Me? Maybe.

We don't know if we can change time
or affect it at all.

No, but what we do have is Widgit,
who is the master of the map.

Widgit, where are we now?

According to my calculations,
central Paris, 1968.

That's just not right, is it?

Still getting the hang of it.

I found something to eat.

A fossil.

How cool is this?

Eggs.

- Wow. Amazing.
- Wow.

What do you guys feel like?
I could do fried eggs.

I could do eggs on toast.

Frittata?

- Frittatas.
- Frittata.

What do you think laid them?
A double ostrich?

Probably a quadruple ostrich.

Bittelig, potential danger behind you.

Bittelig, could you please
put the eggs down and--

this is very important-- don't break them.

Is it a quadruple ostrich?

I don't think so.

I think you should run.

I think you should stay motionless.

Which one do I do?

Oh, dear.

Why are you saying, "Ow"?
He's the one getting hurt.

I'm an empath.
I feel when other people feel pain.

Okay. I'm gonna feel that tomorrow.

- Oh, dear. You good? Yeah?
- I'm okay. I'm good.

Run! Run, run!

Widgit, where's the portal?

- I don't know. I gotta work it out.
- Where are we?

- There.
- No.

Where's Kevin?

Guys, this isn't a fossil.

We're in the prehistoric times.

Kevin, run!

Leave the skull behind, Kevin.

No way.

Drop it! There's a dinosaur. Run!

- Dinosaur!
- Dinosaur!

- Dinosaur!
- It's actually a pterosaur!

- Ptero--
- Pterosaur! Run!

To the portal!

Run, Kevin!

- Okay, good.
- I'm good.

Be careful.

So sorry about that.

That should cover it.

Yeah.

Looks like Kevin didn't make it.

Well, that's very sad.

Okay, well, it looks
like we've lost another bandit.

So let's take a moment to commemorate.

Look, he did make it.

Okay, good.

You can put candles in them
and it'll brighten up the...

Kevin, just leave that stupid skull.

Pure Evil, I bring news.

I'm quite busy, Damon.

- Seven.
- That's eight.

Move your little boot.

Yes, what is it, Damon?

Not you, Demon.

Supreme Being has a secret project.

Supreme has a secret project?

What's the secret?

I don't know. It's a secret.

John, would you answer that, please?

Fianna, do you have the map?

No.

Not the answer I was hoping for.

The boy's parents got in the way
so I turned them to coal.

That's something, I suppose.

I have the boy's reeking stench...

and I will find him.

Do not fail, Fianna.

Strangers!

I always like to say that

- a stranger is just a friend you have--
- Witches.

Strangers, therefore, witches.

- I'm sensing anger.
- She knows what we're thinking.

Because she's a witch.

Oh, no, the Middle Ages.

- A boy witch.
- Cool. Where?

Me?

I'm not a boy witch. I'm Kevin Haddock.

What be that?

It be-- It is--

A dragon?

No. It's fine. It's all right.

Is it true, boy,
this be the head of a dragon?

I think it's a triceratops skull.

These strangers have a dragon slain!

No, I just found this skull
and carried it here.

We didn't slay it.

Yes, we did.
We all slayed the dragon together.

We all did our part
except Kevin who just carried the head.

- That's right.
- Then welcome, brave dragon slayers.

And Kevin...

who just carried the head. Yes.

Welcome to the town fair.
And what delights do we have in store?

This is Elizabetta and she has
a marvelous collection of twigs for sale.

Here's a pig in a wig. A wiggy piggy. Yes.

This is Merek The Snail Juggler.

- Snails escaped again, Merek?
- Oh, yeah.

I was forced to eat them, Mayor.

But thou faketh it till thou maketh it.

- That's what I say.
- Yes.

What a great attitude.

You struck us at
a rather impoverished time, my friends.

Things have been hard.

Cat!

What do you have against cats?

You've not heard?

The Pope has declared
that cats are instruments of Satan.

So-- We're getting rid of cats.

Don't kill the cats.

They kill the rats that spread the plague.

No.

The plague is a punishment from God,
for the spreading of rumors.

Apparently.

That looks like my ex-fiancé Gavin.

The one with the little hat.

Do you think he was here
and they made a tapestry of him?

I think all these people look the same.

Like a blob of wool with a nose.

I see what you're saying.

My heartbreak is projecting Gavin
onto the image of all of these men.

You're very good.

But no, I do think that's him.

Excuse me, Mr. Mayor.
The food is delicious.

- I love the acorns.
- Good.

Do you have anything that isn't--

- Anything?
- Yeah, acorns?

I'm afraid to say we don't.

We're currently having a bit of a famine.

- A bit of a famine?
- A bit of a famine?

Yes, a bit of a famine.
We skip desserts and lunch.

And breakfast. And dinner.

But no snacking in between.

Actually that reminds me.

We have a small favor to ask.

- I can't--
- Anything, friend.

You are brave and mighty dragon slayers,

apart from Kevin
who just carried the head.

And we beg for your assistance
in confronting our foe

who is causing us such great hardships.

Okay. Let me consult with my team.

- Absolutely.
- Yeah.

Let's do it. Let's be dragon slayers for
these guys and get showered with rewards.

- But dragons don't exist.
- Precisely, young man.

We'll do it!

Huzzah!

I swear to you, we shall slay
your dragon for you.

Well, that's great. Yes.

Although it's not a dragon problem
we're facing at the moment.

No, we need you to fight the sheriff

and his large, well-armed,
bloodthirsty army.

That's different.

If we don't give them food,
they torture us.

Look, Merek's just back
from his torture now.

No more juggling for me.

You have to laugh.
If you don't, you'll cry.

Although we do also cry a lot.

Hooray for the mighty dragon slayers!

No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

We're not mighty dragon slayers.
We're not.

In that case, you must be witches.

We're humble dragon slayers.

Hooray for the humble dragon slayers.

Huzzah!

- All right, what are we gonna do?
- Run and hide in the forest?

We could pretend to be dead.

- We could ignore our problems.
- Oh, yeah.

Plague get him, did it? I'm so sorry.

We won't keep you too long.

We just wanted to equip you
with our finest weapons.

Elizabetta.

These? Seriously these twigs?

Does the sheriff
have any weaknesses or flaws?

He does have one flaw.

- Which is?
- He doesn't know when to stop torturing.

Not a weakness.

That is his one flaw?

I hope that's useful. Come, Elizabetta.

- Did it work?
- Yes.

We're gonna run away
and hide in the woods. Let's go.

We loves you, Penelope the Brave.

Halt.

Do not try to creep away.

You know what time it is.

It's time to bring out
your harvest, peasants.

It's your harvest or your firstborn child.

And, obviously,
if we've taken your firstborn child,

it's your secondborn and thirdborn,
fourth, and so on.

You know the drill by now.

Sorry, am I not speaking clearly enough?

Bring out your taxable items immediately.

No. We have new protectors.

Dragon slayers who will take you
and the sheriff to task.

Dragon slayers?

Where are these dragon slayers?

They're just...

- They're just--
- Where are they?

There they are. Brave slayers all.

And Kevin who just carried the head.

So, dragon slayers, am I to believe
that you challenge us upon this day?

Challenge you on this day? No.

Today is not a good day for that.

So sorry to disappoint you.

But maybe next week or the week after.

Anyway, we'll be in touch. Okay.

So, cowards then.

- What?
- Cowards.

- Oh, no.
- We need pay you no heed. No heed at all.

Men, get the fruit,
root vegetables, children.

Did you say "cowards"?

You will pay us heed, all right.

We are dragon slayers and bandits
and we are coming for you.

Bittelig alone will best you.

He has the strength of seven men.

There were eight of them.

I'm certainly not enjoying this.
Rusty shackles,

that's a tetanus risk for a start.

So, Penelope, I just have to say
we all feel very unsafe

and I'm also talking
on behalf of my friend Judy.

Okay, things are going badly
but it's not my fault.

Whose fault is it then?

Who fault is it then, Penelope?

I'm sorry, Mum and Dad.

I'm sorry I ended up in jail
with a band of degenerate thieves.

Keegan, we're right here.

You must be pretty disappointed in me.

The bright side is
I think it's so cool that you're with me.

Like, look at it.

It's a dungeon.

It's where they torture people.

It's so cool.

Who are you talking to?

My parents. They're lumps of coal
and I'm on a quest to save them.

The sheriff wants to see you.

Is it this one?

That one.

Thanks.

Oh, God.

Now, what is this I hear
about you being bandits

and wanting to save the village
from my tyranny?

I think that's a mistranslation.

Are we not speaking English?

No, fair point. Yeah.

So you don't deny it?

In that case,
bring forth the diagrams of torture.

As you can see, this is just
a little selection of tortures

that I devised specially for you.

Once that spike comes up...

- Ouch.
- That's abominable.

Now, this one may look innocent enough
on the surface, but that there...

that is a pheasant feather.

I don't know how much
you know about ornithology,

but they are extra tickly.

Now, this one...

I've had that one.

Yes, Jeremy has had that one.

And you've never been the same,
have you, Jeremy?

No, I haven't.

So, that's just a taste of what we do
to bandits here,

okay?

Enjoy.

- Sire.
- Yeah?

These people claim
not only to be bandits, but also--

get this-- dragon slayers.

What is this?

Well, they claim it is a dragon's skull.

This isn't a dragon's skull.

You're correct
because dragons don't exist.

No, because I have one here!

Behold Fyre-tongue the dreaded wyrm.

Bravely slain by mine own hand
upon mine own sword,

Fafnir.

- That's fantastic. Impressive.
- Impressive.

- Incredible.
- And as you can see,

it bears no resemblance to your
pathetic so-called dragon's skull.

They aren't the same
because ours is a dinosaur skull

and yours is just loads of random animals
wrapped together with twigs and some rope.

Oh, no.

You, small person with window eyes,

approach.

So sorry about him.

Who are you that are so brave

that you would challenge
the great sheriff of Nottingham?

- Kevin. Kevin of Bingley.
- Bingley?

A tiny market village
of odious small-minded peasants.

Yeah, that's it.

For your information, Kevin of Bingley,

I did slay that dragon.

Now, no one saw me kill it,
but I definitely did kill it.

That's why I'm Sheriff.

And the people are quite rightly
afeard of me

because I can be a very, very cruel man.

How dare you, bandits,
try and help the villagers revolt?

But the villagers are starving.

Peckish at worst.

Let me explain.

The village and the villagers are serfs.

The fields and the people belong to me.

Okay, well, that's very clear, yeah.

So, we'll be off.
What a mistake-ah to make-ah.

We shall return
to the village tomorrow morn.

And if the harvest is not ready
for collection by dawn's first light,

I will personally
burn the village to the ground.

Yes. Well, the personal touch
is so important.

So then we are not being tortured?

No. You're still getting tortured.

Okay. Well, sure, just checking.

So, I don't know how I got here,

but I'm looking for my parents.

Did they land on this ship too? They look
something like this.

Like ancient.

No?

Okay. This is Kevin.

He's a nerd.

Nerdy Kevin.

- Nerdy Kevin.
- Nerdy?

He talks a lot.
Like, way too much, to be honest.

I like this boy.

But he talks a lot.

I have no idea what
you're saying but great.

What are you in here for then?

They say I'm a witch.

Don't they burn witches?

Yeah, normally, but they keep me alive
to heal their warts.

The hypocrisy.

It's the hypocrisy that hurts the most.

Is it, really?

No, it's the torture.

Hear that, everyone?

We have to escape.

Bittelig.

Make medicine. You're a witch.

Dance naked around a fire.
Witch. Worship a goat. Witch.

Cast spells with a talking cat. Witch.

Sink to the bottom of a lake for
half an hour and then float to the top.

Witch.

So let's get our stuff
and sneak out of here.

Heroes! You barely look tortured at all.

- Thank you.
- That doesn't mean that you--

that you've beat them?

Well, I wouldn't describe it that way.

Vanquished them?

- Dispatched them?
- No.

- Killed them?
- No.

- Berated them?
- Oh, no.

Shame them?

- Defamed them?
- No.

- Embarrassed them?
- Not exactly, no.

- Talked to them?
- Well, we did. We talked to them.

Great! Good, you gave them
a thorough talking-to.

Well, they won't be back
to terrorize this village again.

Not after the talking-to
they just received.

The sheriff did ask us
to let you know that

- he will be burning down your village.
- I'm sorry, what was that?

- So, just gonna get our stuff.
- I didn't quite catch that.

You need to enunciate.

They're going to burn down your village.

I'm sorry.

This is terrible.
This village is all we have.

Yeah.

Can you not help us?

I think we should.

What? These are the people who
tried to have us tried as witches.

They were afraid.
Maybe we could use fear as a weapon.

I-- No.

We could, yes.

Although, do you have a weapon
we could use as a weapon?

Forward!

I can't see my harvest, Mayor!

I think all you people
might be in trouble.

It is I, Penelope,
dragon slayer and witch mistress.

She parts her finger from her hand
and puts it back upon her hand.

We must leave this place.

It's an illusion, idiot.

I know how she's done it.

It's easy. She just cuts her thumb off.

Like this.

Wow.

Give me my harvest

or I will burn this village to the ground.

I don't think you will.

Beware! The boy witch!

That is right. Be afeard.

What is that?

Some kind of...

onyx trinket box?

Help us.

We're trapped inside
the boy witch's tiny prison box.

Oh, no.

This is the devil's magic.

Exactly right, mate.

Watch out or I'll put you in it too.

So they're all entrapped
in this fiendish box?

Yeah.

And you will be too
if you're not careful, pal.

Look, a baby wolf.

Hey!

Now I have the magic box.

Excuse me, not to complain,
but the rope is giving me rope burn.

Don't worry about the rope burn.

It's the burn burn that'll get ya.

Right. Yeah.

I wish I wasn't wearing a suit
made out of twigs right now.

Up here. We've got a plan.

We're gonna go back through the portal
and enlist the help of the Hun warriors.

You know the Hun warriors?

Oh, yes. Good friends. No, we traveled
with them and gained their trust.

I don't think we have that kind of time.

Won't that take months?

If my calculations are correct,

we should appear
mere moments after we left.

Really? Okay then.

Did you figure out the map then?

We will.

- What?
- Stall them.

We'll be back before you know it,
with an army of Huns.

Hey.

We're gonna save you, guys.

Yeah, you can trust us.

I'm stuck.

I'm stuck in the toilet.

I'm stuck in it.

Okay... We'll be back, guys.
We'll save you. Trust us. Okay.

We're gonna die.

Well, this is going to be a lovely fire.

And then it's going to be spoiled
by people screaming,

"Oh, help. I'm on fire."

You don't have to do this.

No, I do.

- Why?
- Because the sheriff said I had to.

You guys have your own minds.

You can make your own decisions.

My point is,
you don't have to burn anyone.

Well, if I don't do it,
then Timothy here will torture me.

I will, yeah.

- Timothy is a relentless torturer.
- That's true.

I'm the second worst out of us.

Okay. But what if you
don't do any torturing, Timothy?

Well, then James will torture me.

Yeah, either me or Laura.

And I have to torture more

'cause it's rare for a woman
to have this job,

- even in this modern day.
- Here we go.

I have to torture twice as hard
just to get noticed.

And if James and Laura
don't torture Timothy,

then I'll torture them.

It's the bloody system.

Yeah, it's the system.

I never thought of it like that.

Okay, but what if you all agree
not to do any torturing?

- We'd get tortured.
- We get tortured, yeah.

By who though?

Wait. I see what he's getting at.

If none of us are torturing,
then no one's getting tortured.

Are you saying that the sheriff's power
over us is actually us?

Therefore he has no power at all?

Yes.

It's like there's arrows
coming out of my mind.

Right. What I want you to do
is burn all these people.

And, in fact, this entire village
to the ground, all of it.

Obviously, leave the pub,
we need somewhere to celebrate.

Actually, sir--
And I hope I didn't get this wrong,

but I think we've decided
not to burn these people.

Right?

I thought they were gonna say,
"No, just you, James."

Yeah. See, the problem with that is
if you don't do exactly what I say,

the sheriff will have me tortured.

By who though?

By his sol--

Yeah. Wow.

- Right?
- Right.

I see-- 'Cause you-- Yeah.

Wow.

God. You know what?

Untie these people.

For real?

Let them all go. All of them.

You know, I've tortured so many people
over the years.

I've hung, drawn and quartered
so many people, I've lost count,

but I guess I'm just now realizing that
the main victim of all that torture is me.

It was definitely the people you tortured.

Yeah, with the spikes and the stretching.

Yeah, obviously they were involved.

Where is that terrible sheriff?

I was playing that.

You and I need a little talk.

This is where we left them.

They jumped in
and were swallowed by the sea!

He jumped in here?

Don't do the same.

I'll do the same. Thank you.

Don't know what you are saying?

Okay.

I like her.

Much nicer than the last one.

Well she was a demon.

Oh, come on. Where are you?

And so those creatures evolved into...

dinosaurs.

Which evolved into birds.

It's interesting. It just sounds
a bit like heresy to me.

My point is, there's
no such thing as dragons.

- We should still be afraid of dragons.
- No.

- Witches?
- No.

- Of evolution?
- No.

Here we are!

Back in the nick of time!

Release them.

You left weeks ago.

Really?

I brought these eggs to help
the villagers with the famine.

And the Hun warriors?

That did not go well.

Yes, they discovered I had
borrowed a few of their items.

But on the plus side,
we got a lot more map experience.

And, Kevin, I'm confident we can get
to your parents in time to save them.

- Well, we--
- Are confident.

We thought you weren't coming back.

They're making me get married tomorrow.

Well, you are 11 years old, Kevin.
You don't want to be left on the shelf.

I barely know her.

You can talk when you're married.

Thanks to all of you,
our village is at peace.

So I did a good-- So we did a good job.

Okay. How about payment?

Whatever we have is yours.

So the tapestry with the beautiful man?

Take anything you like.

Great 'cause I've already stolen it.

- Yes.
- Saves time.

Well, you cut it right out
of the middle there, didn't you?

Yes, I did.

You know what, guys?

I was riding to work this morning
through the forest of tears,

as I do every morning.

For the first time ever, I was struck by--

You know, I could feel the cool breath
of mother nature upon my cheek.

But it wasn't just on my face,

it was kind of in my soul,
if that makes sense.

Yeah.

It just got me thinking that we're all
the trees, the sky,

the ants, the insects, the birds.

We're all just one huge
collective consciousness.

We're one great big energy.

Right on time.

Hey, little buddy.

Hey, there you are.

I really don't think there's anything
more beautiful on God's green Earth

than the sight of a--

Dragon!

They are real!

- Quickly, Widgit...
- Yeah?

...is the portal
to the dinosaurs still open?

- Yeah, possibly.
- Oh, no.

Dragons!

It's a pterosaur!

Dragons! Kevin, you lied to us!

It's just a large, winged reptile!

That's what a dragon is!

- Dragon!
- Brave Penelope, slay it!

Gotta go, gotta go!

Gotta go!

I'm sorry, Aldith, I have to go.

I'm on a quest to save my parents.

They're the lumps of coal
I introduced you to.

Bye.

We are safe now, I think, Penelope.

Yeah. No, I think so, yeah.

Okay.

Did that cat just try to kill us?

That's a superstition.

I think the cat just pushed
the gargoyle to try to smash us.

How?

Good try, Mr. Boots.

Meow, meow.

No, Demon, you cannot eat the cats.
The cats are in league with me.

You've found the bandits?

Yes, I have found the bandits.

Where's Fianna? Find Fianna.

Where is she?

Flipping hell.