All language subtitles for 11111111The Love Boat S10E04 Who Killed Maxwell Thorn.eng

Are you sure you wouldn't
like any coffee?

No.

I'm sorry. Mr. Thorn is not
going to see you, Ms. York.

It's Mrs. York.

- Oh, excuse me.
- I think he will.

We're talking about a $100-million
real estate deal here.

I'm not in the habit
of doing business with

a man unless I can look him in the eye.

They're locked.

Mr. Thorn, Mrs. York insists on
meeting with you face to face.

Yes, I told her that. Several times.

He wants to speak with you.

Just talk into the speaker.

Mr. Thorn, look, we're going
to do business together,

but I don't do business unless I
can meet someone in the flesh.

You see, I don't do my
best work over the phone.

I'm going to say this just
once, so listen closely.

I do business on my own terms.

Being rich can buy many things

and I have bought my
privacy, which is total.

If you don't want to do business my
way, then do it with someone else.

Would you like some coffee?

No, thank you.

Just as well. Someone as irritable
as that shouldn't drink coffee.

Mr. Thorn wants these
mailed right away.

Okay.

Tout De suite.

Mr. Robert McBride, 553 evanswood
place, San Francisco, California.

Mr. George tillman, post office
box 493, Kansas City, Kansas.

Mr. Allan Davis, 2939 Morrison
street, Los Angeles, California.

And Mr. Jeff Gilbert, 29033 south
cathedral street, flagstaff, Arizona.

Mcguffin travel service. I don't
think I've heard of that one.

Oh, this is new. They
sent me this cruise

free as part of some
promotional gimmick.

Pretty impressive gimmick. Well, you're
first class the whole way, Mr. McBride.

Mr. McBride is on the
aloha deck, cabin 364.

Oh, no. That's all right.
I'll take this one myself.

Ah, this is a historic
moment in my life.

I get to meet the
legendary Maxwell Thorn.

Now, don't get your hopes up.

Ace, no one has seen him
in public for 25 years.

What makes you think
you'll see him today?

Ah, sure. He'll come in disguise.
I know that.

But I have an advantage. My uncle
used to do business with Mr. Thorn.

They were like that, very close. Yeah,
he described him to me many times.

A tall, powerful man, with jet black
hair, which would by now be gray.

Just a hint of a Texas accent.
And an impeccable dresser.

Excuse me, Mr. Thorn. Welcome aboard.

My name isn't Thorn. It's tillman.
George tillman.

Right. Tillman. You'll be staying
in the presidential suite.

I don't think so.

I won this free cruise, but I don't
think it's for the presidential suite.

George tillman? That's your real name?

For as long as I remember.

Okay. You can check in at the
purser's desk, right through there.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Mr. Thorn?

No.

You do a big TV series, still
they don't know who you are.

That wasn't him either. Just...

Excuse me. Do you know
which way "aft" is?

Yeah, that way. First cruise?

Yes.

I'm Adam bricker, ship's doctor.

Allan Davis. Thanks for the directions.

Don't mention it.

You'll get adjusted pretty quickly.

It only took me five years.

Excuse me. I understand
Maxwell Thorn is on board.

Gosh, I'd give anything to meet him.

I like those terms. Why don't we
go somewhere quiet and discuss it?

Hello, welcome aboard.
You're army archerd.

And this is my wife, Selma.

Well, how do you do?

I'm so glad you're on this cruise.
I can't

wait to hear all the Hollywood gossip.

When we're on vacation, he can't
even mention the word "Hollywood."

Oh...

Sorry.

Well, enjoy your cruise.

Thank you.

Leslie uggams, Tina Louise.

- Is that you?
- Army, we should do lunch.

We'll call you.

Bye-bye.

Come on, let's get the
show on the road.

Hello.

Uh, yes, Jessica and Sarah York.

Welcome aboard.

Thank you.

Could we move things
along quickly, please.

Sure thing.

I don't know why we had to waste
time coming along on this cruise

when one meeting would have
tied things up just fine.

Mother, you almost blew this
deal with Maxwell Thorn.

We're just lucky that I
was able to arrange this.

It's crazy, honey. It's just crazy.

I mean, a one-week cruise
for a half-hour meeting.

It doesn't make sense.
I should never have

sent you to that finishing
school in the east.

Oh, welcome aboard.

Well, thank you, captain.

Ace.

Hmm? Oh. Welcome aboard.

I'm Irene culver, Maxwell
Thorn's personal secretary.

What?

I'm merrill stubing. And
this is purser Evans.

-How do you do. -Where is Mr.
Thorn? Isn't he coming?

- Oh, he's already on board.
- How?

Well, Mr. Thorn has many ways of not
being recognized. He's very clever.

-Well, I hope you enjoy the cruise, Ms.

Culver. -Thank you. I intend to.

Mr. Thorn might like
to keep to himself,

but when I'm not working,
I like to party.

Oh, pardon me, sir. Have
you seen my aunt Sylvia?

I'm afraid I haven't.

Well, if you see her, please
tell her I'm looking for her.

- All right.
- Thank you.

Maybe Thorn was in the luggage.

Ace.

I'll bet he was that nun
that came on early.

- Ace, let it go.
- That was it, he was the nun.

Hey, can I help you with that?

Here.

Yes. Thank you.

Ooh, heavy.

Hope this is my room.

Is that your key?

Yeah.

Here.

I got it, I got it.

Oh. Whew!

Thanks.

I'm Robert McBride.

Margret Grant.

Well, are you cruising alone?

- Yes, yes.
- Me, too.

Oh.

I hear there's this real famous
billionaire on board this time.

- Ah!
- You him?

- No, no.
- Ah.

So, uh, I'll go now. And...

There might be some other people out
there who need help with their luggage.

Right.

So, uh...

Thanks again.

You have fun.

Yeah, you too.

Okay.

Julie, I almost didn't make it.

Aunt Silvia, I was so worried.

Oh, I wouldn't miss this
trip for the world.

Good. You're going to
love this cruise. The

billionaire Maxwell
Thorn is here on board.

Oh, that pig. He financed a play
I did and it closed in two days.

I wouldn't be caught dead on
the same cruise with him.

Maybe next time?

Aunt Silvia!

Well, we're out of port and
headed for the high seas.

No matter how many times I
do it, it's always exciting.

Oh, I'm happy for you.

So, what do you say we get our
swimsuits on and take a swim,

and then go for a sauna,
and have an early buffet.

Merrill, I have no life.

We just left port. Things will pick up.

I mean, I've just got to
find something constructive

to do with my time.

All I do on these cruises
is lie in the sun and eat.

Well, what do you want to do?

I don't know. See, that's my problem.

Hmm. How about a hobby? I know a
captain's wife who collects buttons.

Merrill, I can do better than that.

Why don't we do something together?

No, no. You've got your work to do.

I've got to find something
that's all my own.

Okay. I understand.

Does this mean I have to go
to the buffet by myself?

Sarah?

Allan, what are you doing here?

Not looking for you,
you can bet on that.

Well, I don't suppose we got
adjoining cabins by chance.

Maybe somebody is playing
a bad joke on us.

I'm not laughing.

Hello, Isaac.

Hi.

Club soda, please.

Are you enjoying the cruise, Mr. Berle?

Julie, we've known each
other for a long time.

You can call me Mr. Television.

You know, at my house, we used
to call you Mr. Tuesday night.

Really? At my house, that's
what my wife still calls me.

Thank you. You look
beautiful today, Julie.

Thank you.

Oh, gosh. Wait till I tell my dad that
uncle miltie almost said hello to me.

- Hello, Ms. McCoy.
- Oh, hello, Mr. McBride.

What a nice man. I'm really
glad he won this trip.

He won this cruise?

Mm-hmm.

Some travel agency gave
it to him as a promotion.

That's funny. A guy named
tillman won a free trip too.

No, it wasn't tillman. It was a guy
named Jackson that won the free cruise.

No, the guy I talked to, his
name was George tillman.

I remember because at
first, I thought he was...

Well, I just remember.

Well, ciao. Hello.

Oh, hello...

Margret Grant.

Sorry. I'm terrible with names.

Yeah, well, it's a good thing
I'm not shy, isn't it?

- Isn't it?
- Oh, yes, sure.

So, going all the way to acapulco, huh?

Oh, I guess so. I can't swim that far.

See, I like this. This is what I
like, a guy with a sense of humor.

Why don't we have dinner tonight
and see where it leads?

Boy, you don't waste any time, do you?

No, well, you see,
Robert, let's face it.

We're not kids anymore, so why don't
we just go, we'll have dinner,

and after one dinner we'll know, if
it doesn't work out, we can move on.

Yeah? Yeah!

I'm sorry, Ms. York, but I can't
move Mr. Davis to another cabin.

Why not? You're the purser, aren't you?

Yes, I am, but Mr. Davis's
ticket was paid for

by mcguffin travel service and
they stipulated that cabin.

Great, I can't believe
this is happening.

Why don't you move, sweetheart?

That was my next idea.

Well, the two of you
could switch cabins,

but that wouldn't solve your problem.

Sarah, what happened between you and me

was a long time ago.

Not long enough.

Why don't you relax. This is a big ship.
If we play our cards right,

we could get through this whole trip
without ever once seeing each other.

I take it the two of
you have met before?

Mcguffin travel service. Isaac.

Hmm?

Isaac, something very
strange is going on.

Four people on board this cruise won
free trips from mcguffin travel service.

So?

So, don't you see what's happening?

No.

Shoot. I was hoping you would.
I don't get it, either.

Ace, travel agencies do this
sort of thing all the time.

I know, but all these people seem to
have won a contest they never entered.

I think that's pretty strange.

I think you're pretty strange.

What are you trying to say?

All I'm trying to say is

that you're making a
mountain out of a molehill.

Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, if nobody did that, we wouldn't
have any mountains, would we?

Oh! I'm sorry, excuse me.

Your attention, please. I'd like to
recognize a celebrity in our midst.

Emily stubing is the winner of our first
day at sea shuffleboard tournament.

Well, thank you. Of course, I
couldn't accept the trophy

because I am the relative
of a ship's employee.

Oh, Emily, a championship is a
championship, trophy or not.

Wine steward. Champagne.

Do you feel fulfilled yet?

Well, it's going to take
more than one day, merrill.

Oh. Well, let me know when you do.

Ms. Culver...

Oh, Irene.

Irene, why would a man who has
everything like Mr. Thorn

want to become a total recluse?

Well, I have two theories.

Either he was disappointed
in love or he just

got tired of people
asking how rich he is.

-How rich is he? -Vicki! That's not

the kind of thing you ask someone.

Unless, of course, Ms. Culver
would like to tell us.

It's hard to keep up. You know,
when he decided to take this trip,

he was torn as to whether to
buy a ticket or the ship.

Ooh!

Darling, you really
must watch your diet.

You're absolutely right.

Happy anniversary, compliments
of the pacific Princess.

Oh, no, but it's not our anniversary.

No.

Happy birthday. Compliments
of the pacific Princess.

No, we're about two
months away from that.

Yes.

Close enough.

Oh, Isaac, if you should
happen to see the waiter,

would you tell him that we don't
use cream. We only use...

So, my husband said to me,

"I think I'd like to take a little
vacation from this marriage."

- You know what I said to him?
- Hmm?

"Hey, frank, why don't you take a
big vacation from this marriage?"

Which by the way, he did. He went
to Tahiti with his girlfriend,

who fit in perfectly, because she was
a topless dancer when he met her.

Nice.

And after trying to work
it out for seven years,

I became a legal secretary for the
lawyer that handled my divorce.

Then I got to take my first
vacation, which is this cruise,

and I met a potentially
interesting man, which is you,

and I ordered the fillet of sole.

And I stopped trying to be Maggie.
And that's

the story of Margret
Grant in five minutes.

And it's your turn.

Well, I'm sorry. But I just have
not led a very interesting life.

-Come on. -I was an accountant until

I quit my job a few months ago.

I refuse to believe a
good-looking guy like you

has not had exciting
things happen in his life.

Well, it's true. As a matter of fact,

the most exciting thing that ever
happened to me was winning this cruise.

I didn't even enter a contest.
It just showed up in the mail.

You see? There, that's a start. Okay?

I'll tell you what.

You stick with me, and
I will make this trip

the most memorable
experience in your life.

- Ah.
- Unless you have a heart condition.

What are you doing in my cabin?

I'm not in your cabin. I'm in my cabin.

Someone seems to have taken our wall.

- Well, put it back!
- I didn't take it.

Oh, come off it, Allan.

It's just like you to
do something like this.

Hello, this is Allan Davis. I'd
like to report a missing wall.

Hello, this is Sarah York.
Someone has stolen my wall.

Not a wallet. A wall.

No, I'm not drunk.

Excuse me. Would you let
me handle this, please?

I think we have two very confused
people on the switchboard.

Never mind.

Thank you.

I'm in aloha 156.

Apparently someone has
removed the partition

that converts the cabins
into a two-bedroom suite.

I would like it replaced
tonight, please.

Because there is a
semi-nude woman standing

here who looks like she
could be dangerous.

Can't you wake somebody up?

Right. Okay. Good night. They can't
do it until tomorrow morning.

Well, you'll just have to find
someplace to sleep tonight.

I have a place to sleep.

- You can't sleep there.
- Why not?

Well, because, and I wish
you wouldn't do that.

-Do what? -You know what.

Stop taking your clothes off.

I'm going to bed. I always take all my
clothes off right before going to bed.

Look, if you don't approve, why don't
you find somewhere else to sleep?

Well, if you were a gentleman... But why
would I expect you to be a gentleman?

I can't imagine what I ever saw in you.
I must have been out of my mind.

-Well, you're still beautiful.
-And you're

still an animal. Now
get out of my room.

You're in my room.
You've crossed the magic

threshold, in case you hadn't noticed?

And in case you get any
ideas, I want you to know

that I am sleeping with a
very sharp fingernail file.

Oh, don't worry. If I get any ideas,
they certainly won't include you.

I thought you were watching the kids.

Mike, it's your day to watch the kids.

Will you relax, Carol?
They're all grown up anyway.

Oh, hello, Mr. Evans.

Uh, ace.

Oh, ace. Uh, come in.

Oh, I didn't expect to find you here.

Oh, well, Mr. Thorn works day and
night, even when he's on vacation.

As long as he's up, could I see him? I
know, I know, he's a very private man.

Private? You're being kind.
My boss is a recluse.

He may be a little mad, but when you're

rich, people forgive
you things like that.

You know, my uncle and Mr. Thorn
are very old and dear friends.

Oh, really?

Mm-hmm.

Maybe you've met him. Marshall Evans,

textile magnate, international
banker, olympic pistol champion.

Oh, I remember marsh. Yes, he and Mr.
Thorn did some business years ago.

Yeah. When I was a little kid, my
uncle used to tell me all about him,

how they'd go duck hunting and fishing
together. They were big buddies.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah.

You know, I was wondering,
since he's on the ship,

my uncle would skin me alive if I didn't
stop by and at least say hi to him.

-I'm afraid that's impossible.
-I've heard the

publicity. That's not
really true, is it?

Oh, yes, I am the only human
being he talks to face to face.

Oh. Couldn't you just ask him?

All right, but I know
what he's going to say.

Great, I really appreciate it.

Thank you.

Mr. Thorn, Mr. Thorn, there's
a young man here to see you.

- Who is it?
- It's...

- Ashley.
- It's Ashley Evans.

He's the nephew of Marshall Evans.

They used to go duck hunting together.

Oh, yeah. You used to go
duck hunting together.

I've told you a hundred times,

I don't want to see anybody.
I don't care who it is.

Thank you, Mr. Thorn. I'm
sorry, he's just too busy.

Uh, yes, I heard.

Yes, well, then I'm especially sorry.

He's just no fun anymore.

Well, I understand.

But you can tell your
uncle hello from me.

Yeah, sure, he gets to
meet everybody famous.

The Kennedys, queen Elizabeth.

You know, once he went
waterskiing with Warren Beatty.

Oh, that must've been fun.

I know. Oh, oh, yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, our ping-pong
champion, Emily stubing.

But since she's our captain's wife
and can't compete officially,

the trophy goes to our first
runner-up, Mr. Howard pfister.

Emily. Congratulations, Mr. Pfister.

Thank you very much.
Now if you don't mind,

I'm going to go lie down for a while.

Now how about that! Ping-pong
champion of the entire ship.

I'll bet it was fulfilling,
even without the trophy.

Well, the thrill of victory wasn't
quite what I hoped it would be.

There's got to be more. But he's
a cute guy. I'm glad he won.

I don't care what dad says, I'm a grown
woman. I don't want to go to the party.

Now, now, dear, always
remember: "Father knows best."

Isaac, can we talk?

Sure. I've only got 17 drink orders
to fill. I've got plenty of time.

Good. Something very strange
is happening on the ship.

You said that yesterday.

I know. I was in Mr. Thorn's cabin...

You saw Maxwell Thorn?

Well, just to say hello. My
uncle and he are very close.

Anyway, while I was there,
I saw a list of names.

On it were all the passengers
who won free trips

from mcguffin travel service.
What does that mean to you?

I don't think it means anything.

It must mean something.
Everything means something.

Poor thing. Wish you'd done better
in your little ping-pong tournament.

It's only a game. I don't take it
as seriously as the captain's wife.

She was out for blood, wasn't she?
Well, look where we are.

We're right in front of your cabin.

I would ask you to show it to me, but we
both know it looks exactly like mine,

so who would I be kidding.

You move very fast.

Yeah, too fast?

Hmm. Good thing I didn't
make this offer last night.

Okay, all right, I'll slow down.

We'll have dinner again tonight and
then you'll show me your cabin.

All right. I ought to
be rested by then.

Yeah.

Hey.

Well, maybe I'd better call room
service and order some vitamin b.

Ah, could you mail
these for me, please?

Yeah. Uh, Mr. Gilbert,

didn't you win this cruise
from mcguffin travel services?

- Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
- Yeah.

You wouldn't by any chance
know Maxwell Thorn, would you?

No, I don't know him. But I'll
tell you this, I hate his guts.

You hate a man you don't even know?

I spent 20 years working in
one of his chemical plants.

You know what it got me?
A pair of bad lungs

that hardly work and
an early retirement.

I should have sued him,
but I knew I wouldn't

be any match for his hotshot lawyers.

Well, have a nice day.

Yeah, sure.

Uh, excuse me, excuse
me, but I have this

tremendous urge to go
up on deck and dance.

Would anyone care to join me?

Relax, mother. Mr. Thorn
said that he'd meet with us.

I'm sure he didn't become one
of the richest men in the world

by playing practical jokes on people.

Well, the whole trip's
a wild goose chase.

As soon as we get to acapulco,

we're going to take the
first plane back to Houston

and try to find some new financing.

Oh. Hi, Allan. Through
with dinner already?

Actually, I'm having a little trouble.
My table seems to have disappeared.

Souvenir hounds, they're everywhere.

No, really. I was assigned table 17,
and tonight, it's not there anymore.

Well, we haven't passed
through the Bermuda triangle.

Let me check with the maître d'.
Excuse me,

Mr. Davis can't seem to find his table.

Oh, well, what do I look
like, Scotland yard?

Davis. Let's see. I have
Patti Davis, Marvin Davis.

Uh, ah, here it is, Allan Davis, 42.
Right over there.

I'll show you the way.
It'll be good practice

in case I ever want a second
career as a maître d'.

Here we are. Now, if you lose this
one, you'll have to eat in your room.

What? What are you doing here?

I've been assigned to this table.

Why don't you leave my daughter alone?

Me? Can't you see what she's doing?

Yes.

Me? I didn't arrange any of this.

Come on, I'm a teacher. I have a logical
mind. I can figure these things out.

Well, figure this out. If you
think your sophomoric maneuvers

are going to get me back into
your bed, well, you're crazy.

Sarah.

Don't pay any attention to us.
We're rehearsing a play.

Ah. The prime rib looks
good, doesn't it?

Mom, they're actors. Maybe they could
help me get into show business.

Why don't you get a real job, squirt?

Boys, stop fighting and
eat your vegetables.

Hmm. You know, Isaac, I've spoken with
all the people who won free cruises.

And none of them know each other. Except
two of them have worked for Mr. Thorn.

Robert McBride was an accountant
for his holding company.

And Jeff Gilbert worked in a
chemical plant that Thorn owns.

-You've got nothing. -That's what I

thought. Until I made
a few phone calls,

and then I found out that
one of the many companies

that Thorn owns is
mcguffin travel service.

Ah, there you go. That explains
the list. Case closed.

Except for one little thing.
Mcguffin travel service has

no phone listing, no offices,
no desks, no employees.

It appears the entire company
was formed just to give

these people free
tickets on this cruise.

How did you get all this information?

I called my father's secretary.
She can find out anything.

That's all you've got?

- Well, yeah.
- Then can we go eat now?

Isaac, Isaac, there's George tillman.
His name was on Thorn's list.

Why would a billionaire
like Maxwell Thorn

want to give a free cruise
to an out-of-work engineer?

Unless... unless it was
part of a larger plot.

Maybe Thorn needs help
with his math homework.

Oh, great. You're scoffing
at me, aren't you?

I've got it. Thorn is
planning to kidnap

the entire world's population
six people at a time.

I was hoping you would
help me with this one.

Let me handle this. I'm a doctor.

It doesn't seem to be a heart attack.
Help me get him to the infirmary.

Do you know the way?

Yes, I know the way.

Now, do you believe me?

Oh, dad, if Emily hits this
one, she'll win the match.

It won't make any difference.
She still won't be fulfilled.

Oh, come on, dad. You're
underestimating her.

You think so? Watch.

Let her fly!

All right! Yay!

Congratulations. You know,
something has been bothering me.

You look so familiar. Have
you ever been to Milwaukee?

Been there? I lived there for 11 years.

Really?

But I don't remember you.

Hey, congratulations. Good shooting!

Yep, I suppose so.

So what's next, sweetheart?

Bridge. I think I'm gonna try bridge.

See?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to exciting acapulco.

Whether you're interested
in parasailing, sightseeing

or finding an out-of-the-way shop
for that one-of-a-kind souvenir,

we're sure you'll find it all
in this Mexican paradise.

Have a wonderful day.

Ms. Culver? Ms. Culver, it's ace Evans.

Hmm.

Mr. Thorn, are you in there, sir?

Here we are, master key.

Mr. Thorn...

Hmm.

Emily, we need to talk.

I don't think you're
making any progress.

Oh, merrill, you're right.
I'm still unfulfilled.

And, you know, I'm beginning to develop
a real bad case of shuffleboard elbow.

Well, what would you do in Fresno? Outside
of running your trucking business?

You know, merrill, I don't know what I
did. Oh, I dabbled in this or that.

But other than running
my trucking business,

I don't think I did anything else.

Emily, tell me the truth.
Is it our marriage?

-What? -It's me, isn't it? Our

marriage is falling apart?

Well, I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

I mean, I don't know. I don't
think it's our marriage.

You don't think it's our marriage?

Well, obviously, I'm no help.

Look, why don't you talk to Vicki.
She studied psychology.

Really? Well, that's a good idea.

Yeah, we'll go shopping and
we'll have a nice long talk.

Great, that should help. Listen,
Emily, uh, when you talk to Vicki,

uh, don't tell her about
our intimate, private...

Oh, no, merrill.

Good.

Can't I ever get away from you?

You'll have to just suffer through it.

I don't believe this.

We're stuck.

Hey, doc.

Hey.

How's George tillman?

Oh, he's still in the infirmary.

I can't figure out what
was wrong with him.

He was sick all night, but
this morning, he's fine.

Hmm. Could it have been poison?

Ace, what is it with you?
Last night, you

called to ask me if he had been shot.

This morning, you're
asking about poison.

You haven't been reading
Nancy drew again, have you?

Very interesting.

What's interesting?
It's an elevator shaft.

Somebody stuck some gum on the bottom
of the elevator. How'd they do that?

Gentlemen, could we hurry this up?
There are passengers in that elevator

and they're missing the
best shopping hours.

You wanna fix this yourself?

I hope they get this thing fixed
in the next couple of weeks.

I have to be home in time for midterms.

Why don't you sit down? This
could take a while, you know.

I'll sit down when I want to sit down.

So you've been pretty successful
the last few years, huh?

Yeah, I've done all right. Our fourth
quarter profits are up 30% this year.

Last year we had a stock split.

And if we get this financing
from Maxwell Thorn,

we'll be the sixth-largest developer
of commercial real estate

in the entire Houston area.

I'm impressed.

No, you're not.

- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.

- Okay, I'm not.
-

- Hello? - I know what you've

done. You won't get away.

Who is this?

And what have you been
doing with your life?

Well, I can't say my fourth
quarter profits compare to yours.

I've been working with
underprivileged kids.

Trying to get the city to give us
some money for a basketball program.

And I suppose that you
find that to be rewarding.

It has its ups and downs.

Last week, one of the most promising
kids was killed in a gang war.

Oh...

Yeah. But another kid
I've been working with,

his name is Jose Sanchez, he just
qualified for a scholarship at ucla.

Four years ago, he was
stealing money for drugs.

Now it looks like he's
going to make it.

So, like I say, it has
its ups and downs.

Well, I think Jose beats my
fourth quarter earnings.

This is our stop.

The working man comes through again.

They have a little salad. Thank you.

I don't know what it is. I just
don't feel at home on the ship.

Well, why?

It's the captain's table.

And the captain's chair. I'm
just the captain's woman.

No matter what your
father says, I feel like

I'm just another one of the passengers.

But, Emily, you're not
just another passenger.

You are the first lady
of the pacific Princess.

The first lady.

Yeah.

I like the sound of that.

When we get back, I want you to meet my
very best girlfriend Arlene because...

She's not going to believe this.

I actually found romance
on a luxury cruise.

I did find romance, didn't I?

Well, uh, Margret, these past
few days have been great.

Uh-oh.

I think I've heard this before.
I'm too pushy, huh?

I scare men off.

No.

Actually, I'm a lot better now. You
should have known me ten years ago.

Well, I wish I had. Because it has
nothing to do with you, Margret.

I just... there's nothing I'd
like better than to go back

and meet your friend and
your family and your dog.

I have a cat.

- But I can't.
- Why not?

Because when we get back, I'll
be tying up a few details

and then I'm leaving the country.

So, when you get back in the states...

I'm leaving for good.

You were such a strange
man when I first met you.

What was so strange about taking you out
to dinner? I wanted to impress you.

Well, believe me, it was
the first and only time

that I've had dinner
in a hot air balloon.

I wanted to stand out from
the rest of the guys.

You sure did that.

It was an adventure, right?

We got lost.

Hey, it was my first time, too.

It was? You never told me that.

I thought if I did, you
wouldn't trust me.

Oh, I trusted you. Obviously too much.

Look, I have a feeling we shouldn't
talk about the past anymore.

Let's skip right to the present.

I think that's a real good idea.
So, what should we talk about?

Maybe we don't have
much in common anymore.

Maybe not.

Well, it's time for lunch. I'm hungry.

Me, too.

Well, look at that. We
have hunger in common.

We could move up the ladder of basic
animal needs and see where it goes.

Probably not as far as
you think that it will.

Are you sure, ace?

Afternoon, captain, doc.

Afternoon.

Captain, I've got to talk to you.

I think there's something going on here

that needs to come to your attention.

What is it?

Captain, before ace
tells you his theory,

I want you to know I have
nothing to do with this.

- I'm just trying to keep this
man from going over the edge.

You remember the movie ten little
Indians? It's a murder mystery.

-That was a book, wasn't it? -Yeah, it

was a book and then it was a movie.

Gentlemen.

What I'm trying to say

is I think that's what's
going on on board this ship.

I believe that Maxwell Thorn has
brought some people on board this ship

for the express purpose
of doing them in.

Doing them in what? Do
you mean murdering them?

- I know it sounds crazy.
- It sounds crazy to me.

Same here.

Just hear me out.

Maxwell Thorn owns
mcguffin travel service.

There are six people on board this ship

who have been given free cruises
from mcguffin travel service.

In Mr. Thorn's cabin, there
is a list of these people.

Mr. George tillman, passenger,
is one of the names on the list.

Mr. Tillman keeled over last
night at dinner. "Unknown."

Mr. Tillman has been crossed off
Thorn's list, in blood red.

Crossed off in blood?

Well, it was actually red ink.
But the symbolism is there.

Ace, I hate to disappoint you,

but I discovered the reason why Mr.
Tillman passed out at dinner.

He's allergic to shellfish.

He's never noticed it because you don't
get a lot of shellfish in Kansas.

Ace, are you suggesting that Mr.
Thorn tried to

kill tillman by force-feeding
him shellfish?

Did I mention I have
nothing to do with this?

If you are not out of my
sight in ten seconds,

- you're in deep trouble.
- Yes, sir.

Shellfish...

Keep an eye on him, will you?

Yes, sir.

Just as long as we agree that this
does not go on my permanent record.

Oh, merrill, you've
ruined the surprise.

Oh, no.

I'm surprised.

Dad, isn't it wonderful?

Emily found all this stuff in acapulco.

Imagine that.

We had to wait for a time when you
were out of the cabin long enough

so we could have all
this stuff moved in.

Merrill, the most
wonderful thing happened

and I owe it all to Vicki.

-She made me realize what it was.
-What "what" was?

What?

What "what" was?

What I was after. I quit
my trucking business

to become a homemaker.

So I'm making our home.

Did you ever see anything
like it in your whole life?

Uh, yes... once in Tijuana.

Don't you just love it?

Love?

Oh, love is too small a word
to express my feelings.

Oh, I'm so glad you like it.

I'm so glad you're happy.
Well, I'd better get back.

The bedroom hasn't been changed?

A waterbed. You want to see it?

No, no. I'll see it later.

A waterbed on a ship?

He loves it!

I know!

Now for the felt painting.

I don't want to be here.

Isaac, I need you.

If we get caught, I want to
be able to tell Mr. Thorn

we were trying to surprise him with a
complimentary bottle of champagne. Okay?

Hello?

I hope prison isn't like
it is in the movies.

That list was right here.

Mr. Thorn, I'm begging you.

- You've got to stop drinking.
- Shh!

Leave me alone, Irene.

I'm only trying to help.

Remember last year in Marrakesh?
You disappeared for three days.

We didn't know what
had happened to you.

It was none of your business.

Just promise me you
won't leave the cabin.

Irene, we're on a ship. What
could happen on a ship?

All right, you're the boss.

That's right. I am the boss.
Now get me another drink.

Come on. Let's get out of here.

My thinking exactly. I'd say we
brought him the wrong gift, huh?

Why do you keep saying "we"?

Come on!

Hi. We gotta talk. All right,
maybe "we" is the wrong word.

I gotta talk. I'm just not ready to
give up on this relationship that easy.

What is it, did you murder
somebody or something?

Come on, you can tell me.
I can keep a secret.

No. I didn't murder somebody.

Thank goodness.

-You're running away
from a wife, that's

it, isn't it? -Never been married.

So, if you didn't murder anybody and
you're not running away from a wife,

it can't be that bad, can it?

Margret, there are some
people I used to work for

that think I stole money from them.
I think they're after me.

Well...

Did you ever think about
going to the police?

No, no, these are very powerful people.

No, the only chance I've got is to try
to start over again somewhere else.

And that's what I'm going to do.

What is it? What's wrong?

Nothing.

I do have something to do.
So, why don't

you meet me in the
lounge in half an hour?

Okay. Are you sure
there's nothing wrong?

No, nothing I can't take care of.

Ladies and gentlemen, we hope you've
had a fabulous day in acapulco.

Now it's time for a
fabulous night on the

pacific Princess as
we set sail for home.

Well, it sure has been
an interesting day.

You know, if my mother could see us
right now, I think she'd drop dead.

Really? Let's find her.

Good night, Allan.

Good night, Ms. York. It was a lovely
evening. Hope to see you again sometime.

Well, they seem to have
taken our wall again.

I noticed.

What do you think we
should do about it?

I guess I'm defenseless.

I seem to have lost my fingernail file.

Oh, merrill, you having trouble
sleeping on our new waterbed?

I keep dreaming we're lost at sea.

Why, did you eat something?

No, it's something I'm sleeping on.
Look Emily, we've gotta talk.

Good. I love it when we talk, you
always say such interesting things.

Now, look Emily, you
have to admit it, there

is something that is
still bothering you.

No, I'm fine now.

Yeah.

Well, look, when I thought you
started to redo the menus,

and that you started to schedule
all the social activities,

I thought you were gonna be excited,
but you're not, Emily, you're not.

Oh, let's face it, merrill,
everybody is so nice.

But they just say that they like my
ideas because I'm the captain's wife.

No, that's not true, they love you. And
they like you and they like your ideas.

No, they're just trying
to spare my feelings,

like you did when you said
you liked my redecorating.

What are you talking about? I love it.

Tell the truth.

- Okay, I hate it.
- See!

Oh, Emily. Emily...

Emily, look, a waterbed on a ship is
highly impractical and it's redundant.

I thought it was soothing.
What about your office?

- Merrill?
- Well, it's just not me.

-Well, who is it? -Well, I don't know,

Erik estrada. It's just not me.

A captain's office should be...

It should be full of ship things.

You didn't like anything
about it, did you?

No, I did like that small
ship's wheel paperweight.

That was there before. Okay, captain,
I guess I know where I stand.

Well, tomorrow, I'll put
all your ship things back

and I guess I'll just
have to get used to the

idea of being the
captain's little wife.

I came in early this
morning, but he wasn't here.

When I heard about the man who
fell overboard last night,

I didn't want to think
it could be Mr. Thorn.

We've checked the entire ship. He's
the only passenger who was missing.

I knew something like
this would happen.

Oh?

Oh! Mr. Thorn has wandered
off by himself before.

-He has a terrible drinking problem.
-I'll say.

I noticed all the liquor around the room.
Captain, why don't you handle this?

Thank you, ace. I was
trying to do just that.

Periodically, Mr. Thorn has gotten
drunk and wandered off by himself.

He did it again last night.
He had been drinking heavily.

I begged him not to leave the cabin.

He must have gone out on
the deck and slipped.

I just can't believe he's gone.

I'm sorry.

Um, we'll talk about this later.
We'll leave you alone now.

Oh, please don't go.

What are you doing here?

Huh?

Oh, right, sorry.

It's going to take me a while to adjust
to not thinking of you as a nightmare.

You sure know how to build
up a man's confidence.

I didn't know your
confidence needed building.

If I'm cut, do I not bleed?

I don't know. I'll have
to try it sometime.

Wait a minute! Can't you
see what's happening?

Yeah.

I'm falling in love with you again.

That's not good?

No. We broke up. We fought.

We said nasty things to each other.

Hey, life goes on.

Ladies and gentlemen, join
us on the fiesta deck

for a very special buffet.

Fried chicken, chili. What is this?

It was Emily's idea.
A truck-stop buffet.

You know, she was in
the trucking business.

Yes, I knew that.

Isn't this great? I mean, she
comes up with such radical ideas!

Yes. Radical. That's the word for it.

And every passenger gets a free cap.

No, thanks, I'm in uniform.

Captain, may I speak with you...
privately?

Will you excuse us, Vicki, please?

What is it, ace?

I was wrong about it being
the ten little Indians.

It's really murder on
the orient express.

Ace, I spent the night trying to
sleep in my wife's new waterbed.

A world-famous billionaire
was lost at sea.

I am eating truck-stop food for lunch.
I don't want to hear this.

I know, but it all fits together. Thorn

brought these people on
board to murder them,

but they turned the tables on
him and they got him first.

Is that what happened in
murder on the orient express?

Well, not exactly. But it's close. I
think we better investigate this.

Oh, you mean find some
real evidence and motive.

That's a unique approach.
I'll tell you what, ace.

Once you find something, then and
only then do I plan on seeing you.

So if you will excuse me,
my grits are getting cold.

He won't listen to me.

Look, I don't buy this George
tillman shellfish story.

I think the guy faked the whole thing.

Ace, I'm a doctor. I ran tests.

Chemistry doesn't lie. It's our friend.

Jeff Gilbert. What does
anybody know about him?

Is he the tennis pro from long beach?

He used to work in a chemical plant.

A tennis pro in a chemical plant?

He doesn't play tennis.

Gilbert. I have a Gilbert
on my list of passengers

-that require special medical

supervision. -What's wrong with him?

He's suffering from a lung ailment.

He told me he has only a year to live.
Sad story.

Yes. Yes. It's all falling into place.
Jeff Gilbert is our killer.

Ace, if you were a book,
I'd throw you away.

Don't you see? Gilbert worked in a
chemical plant that Thorn owns.

He blames Thorn for his sickness.
There's your motive.

-There's your motive. -Excuse me,

could I see you for one minute?

Yeah, sure. I am going to
blow this case wide open.

Yeah!

Isaac, you know, if we
were really his friends,

we'd stop him from making
a fool of himself.

Nah.

Oh! All right!

Let's get going, baby.

Sarah, darling, where
have you been all day?

Oh, hello, mother. You know Allan.

I asked you a question, honey.

She's been with me, Mrs. York.

Oh, oh, that's just fine.
That's just fine.

You went off with this
no-good while our

business has been going
right down the drain.

Mother, what are you talking about?

So, you two have been tucked away
someplace together, haven't you?

Maxwell Thorn fell overboard last night
and along with him, our financing.

Maxwell Thorn is dead?

Why couldn't it have been you?

-Tough lady. -Sarah, darling,

haven't you learned your lesson?

Finding this man with that
other woman in the hotel room?

Mother, that was five years ago.

Well, he hasn't changed.
He's still a mullet.

You know what a mullet is, don't you?

A mullet is a little
fish swimming around,

waiting for a big fish
to come and eat him up.

Why don't you go back to that woman
with the unfortunate name of chastity

and leave my daughter alone!

I'm sorry about my mother, Allan.
She's just being overprotective.

Yes, I remember.

Now, Ms. Culver.

Yes?

Would you verify the fact that
this man, Jeffrey t. Gilbert,

once worked for excision
chemical company,

a fully owned subsidiary
of Thorn incorporated?

Yes, I know Mr. Gilbert. You see...

And Dr. Adam bricker, isn't it true

that Mr. Gilbert is suffering from a
lung disease, a condition one contracts

while working under hazardous
conditions with chemicals?

Yes, but I only know
that because he told me.

Oh, come on, people.
Gilbert worked for Thorn.

He got a fatal disease and
he took revenge on him.

What the hell are you talking about?

Ace, this has gone far enough.

There's no reason to believe
anyone killed Mr. Thorn.

It was an accident.

Ah!

But I have proof it was no accident.

In fact, it was murder,
pure and simple.

I'll get that.

How long do I have to stay in here?

You may come out now.

-Ladies and gentlemen, this

is Margret Grant. -Hello.

Would you please tell
them what you told me?

Yes. I went for a walk last night
on the deck to get some air

and I saw a man and he
was carrying something

and then I realized
what he was carrying.

He was carrying another man over his
shoulder. And he was unconscious.

And he walked over to the rail,
he threw the body overboard.

-Oh, my god! -Why didn't
you come forward sooner?

I was too frightened. I guess I
just didn't want to be involved.

But then when I heard that
everybody on the ship,

they actually believed
that this was an accident,

I had to say something.
I had to say something.

We're proud of you, Ms.
Grant. Now I know

that this is extremely
difficult for you.

But I want you to look
at this man and tell us.

Is this the man that
murdered Maxwell Thorn?

The captain?

No, no. This man.

Take your time, Ms. Grant.

We wouldn't want you to send
a dying man to the chair.

No, no, this man looked
nothing like him.

He doesn't?

He was bigger, taller, I think.

- He was?
- Yes.

- Are you finished?
- Yeah.

I mean, it's true I hated Thorn.

I blamed him for what happened to me,

but that was before this trip.

-Do you want to know why Thorn

brought me here? -Well...

Tell them, Ms. Culver.

Well, Mr. Thorn felt terrible about
what happened to Mr. Gilbert.

He brought him on this trip so he
could visit a specialist in acapulco.

He's under treatment now that
may very well save his life.

So, you see, if Thorn were here,

I may shake his hand,
not push him overboard.

- Ah, well...
- And you...

Me?

You!

I want you to stay out of my face
for the rest of this cruise!

You got it! You got it.

All right, everyone,
that's enough for tonight.

This way.

I was so sure it was Gilbert.

Oh, relax, ace, even Perry
Mason lost one case.

He did? I didn't know that.

No, he didn't. I only said
that to make you feel better.

Hey!

Oh, Robert.

Where have you been. I've been
looking all over the ship for you.

I've been with the captain.
It was horrible.

Oh, come on. The captain
may be a little boring,

his stories go on much too long, but...

No, no, it wasn't the captain.

It was what I saw that was horrible.

What are you talking about?

I saw Maxwell Thorn
murdered last night.

You what?

I did.

I saw a man throw his body overboard.
I'm so frightened.

Don't worry. I'm here. I'm here.
Did you see what he looked like?

No. I couldn't see his face.

Oh, Ms. York, I'm sorry you never
got your meeting with Mr. Thorn.

Oh, Ms. Culver, thank you very much.

That's very nice of you. I
know you must be very upset.

Yes.

Ms. Culver, I'd like for you
to meet my friend Allan Davis.

- Hello.
- It's nice to meet you.

He's adorable. I wouldn't
let him get away.

So, how about it? Are you
going to let me get away?

I don't know, you have to be good.
I haven't decided yet.

Sarah, your mother said something
last night that's been bothering me.

Oh, don't pay any attention to her.
She just doesn't like you.

I know. It's mutual, believe me.
That's not it.

She mentioned the name of the girl
you found me with in that hotel.

Allan, we're really not going
to talk about this, are we?

How did she know her name?
She never met her.

I don't know, maybe I told her.

Did you know her name?

No, Allan, what are you getting at?

I thought we were doing okay.

I really don't want to talk about
what you did to me back then.

Sarah, I didn't do anything to you.
I was set up. I told you that.

That girl was there when I walked in,

in my bed with no clothes on.

I was trying to get her
out when you walked

in. I didn't even know
her name was chastity.

Are you trying to blame
this all on my mother?

I just want to know how she
found out the girl's name.

And why did you come there that night?

What difference does it make now?

And I really don't understand why
you're bringing this up all over again.

It was the truth. I'd
never met that woman.

You know, Allan, I thought
that you were different.

I thought you'd grown up enough
at least to be honest with me.

Now please, think, Mr. Tillman.

Surely at some time in your
life, you knew Mr. Thorn.

Nope, never did.

Maybe you went to school
together as kids.

Ace, the man says he doesn't know him.

There was a skippy Thorn.

Good.

But he's a barber now.

Mr. Tillman, come off it.

Thorn gave you a free cruise.
Why would he do that?

Look, young man, I never look
a gift horse in the mouth.

But I'm perfectly
willing to punch you in

the mouth if you don't leave me alone.

Geez, some guys really get bent out of
shape when you accuse them of murder.

Hard to believe, huh?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Everyone is invited to amateur night

in the international lounge.

Your idea to have this amateur show
was terrific. Where did you find her?

She is a secretary from des moines.
She always wanted to sing and dance.

The passengers seem to love her.

Oh, you think so?

You know, whenever I make a suggestion,
I always feel I'm imposing.

Oh, no, she really has the goods.

Psst.

Excuse me, Emily. Duty calls.

Now, here's how we'll teach Mr.
Honeywell a lesson he'll never forget.

Everything's in place, captain.

This time I think we'll get our killer.

I hope so.

Yeah.

Interesting decor, captain.

Oh, yes. It's for a party.

I'll get that, excuse me.

Ah, come on in, please.

We got word the captain
wanted to see us.

Uh, hello, Irene.

Mr. McBride, I didn't
expect to see you here.

So, what's this all about?

If you'll be seated, I'll
explain everything to you.

Purser Evans has discovered evidence
in our murder investigation.

You know who it was?

Maybe it would be better if purser
Evans took it from here. Ace?

Thank you, captain. On the night in
question, Mr. Thorn had been drinking.

Oh, he walked out on the deck,
but he didn't fall overboard.

No, no, he was met by someone
who knew who he was...

Someone who seized the opportunity.

That's right, Robert
McBride killed Mr. Thorn.

What?

You're crazy?

Am I? Hmm?

Mr. McBride, isn't it true that
you once worked for Mr. Thorn

as his senior accountant?

-Yes. -But that hardly
makes him a murderer.

Mr. McBride, isn't it
also true that you

embezzled a large sum
of money from Mr. Thorn

and that was the reason for your quick
departure from Thorn incorporated?

Oh, my.

I don't have to answer these questions.

- Is it true, Robert?
- No, no, it's not true.

Mr. Thorn brought you
on board this cruise

for the purpose of exposing your crime.

But you couldn't have that, could you?
No, so you killed him.

Thus, adding murder to
your list of evil deeds.

No, Robert wasn't the one.

But you said you didn't
see the man's face.

No, Robert didn't do it,
because he was with me

right up until the time that
I went out onto the deck.

He wouldn't have had time
to intercept Mr. Thorn.

- He wouldn't?
- No.

How did you know he worked for Mr.
Thorn?

Yes, ace. Where are you
getting all this information?

My father's secretary.
She knows everybody.

You're accusing me of murder based
on the secretarial grapevine?

I figured you'd want to confess.
I mean, the guilt, the pressure.

You don't want to spend
your life running.

I don't want to confess to anything.
Come on, Margret.

Gosh, this is hard.

Mr. Evans, may I make a suggestion?

Why don't you leave the crime
business to professionals.

I think you're in over your head. Olé.

Way over your head.

Robert?

What?

You told me that some
people thought you'd

stole money from them.
Was it Maxwell Thorn?

Yes, it was.

Come on, you don't believe any of the

stuff that nutcase
said in there, do you?

Tell me the truth. Did
you steal the money?

Margret, I worked for that man for 18
years. I made him millions of dollars.

And I got nothing out of it, nothing. I

deserve that money any
way I can get it.

You killed him. You lied, I lied.
You had plenty of time.

No, I did not kill him. That
night, after I left you,

I went to Thorn's
cabin, just to talk to

him, just to try to
clear this up somehow.

-He wasn't even there. -Well, you

certainly have your
alibi now, don't you?

Don't worry, I won't change my story.

I don't want to see you again.

Where's your Mr. Davis?

I have no idea.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is something wrong?

Well, sometimes you think people have
changed, and they really haven't.

I don't think I'll be
seeing Allan anymore.

Oh. Don't worry, my dear.

Things have a way of
working themselves out.

Oh, Ms. York. There's
a message for you.

Oh?

I hope it's good news.

Thank you.

Maybe it's bad news.

Just what do you want? Money?

No more than the next guy.

I won't go one cent higher than 25,000.

What are you talking about?

Don't you play games with me.
You... you mullet!

I got your note.

"I know about chastity,
and I can prove it."

I was right. You did set me up.

Tell me, did you call Sarah and
tell her to go to that hotel

or did you have someone do it for you?

You were never good enough for Sarah.

Why, if she'd gone off
to marry you, she never

would have come into
the business with me.

She'd have gone off to some ghetto
with you and wasted her life away.

Who was chastity?

What difference does that make?

This note is not from me. And
I don't need your money.

I think Sarah is gonna find
all this very interesting.

You are really pathetic.
What proof do you have?

I can't believe you would do
this to your own daughter.

Sarah won't believe you any more than
I believe you didn't send that note.

Nice try, mullet.

"As she heard the screams echo below,

celia was conscious of something
evil breathing against her.

Something so awful and
foul that she cringed."

Well, Mr. McBride,
what brings you here?

May I come in?

Well, certainly.

What is it?

I wanted you to know that
I didn't kill Mr. Thorn.

I know that, Mr. McBride.
You're not a murderer.

Yes, but I am a thief. I
embezzled that money.

I worked for Thorn all those years.
I had

nothing to show for it. So I was angry.

But then once I had the
money, I couldn't spend it.

I was afraid somebody
might find me out.

I always thought of
myself as an honest man.

It was difficult getting
used to being a criminal.

You must have been miserable.

Well, I thought it would be a lot
easier if I left the country.

That's why when I won this free cruise,
it seemed like the perfect opportunity

to take the money and put it
in some foreign bank account.

Look, I tried to find Mr. Thorn
the night he was killed.

I wanted to give the money back,

and just take whatever
was coming to me.

-I see. -So, I know
it's a little belated,

but there's the money. It's all here.

It's never too late, Mr. McBride.

Thank you.

Good night.

I won't go one cent higher than 25,000.

I was right. You did set me up.
Tell me.

Did you call Sarah and
tell her to go to that

hotel or did you have
someone do it for you?

You were never good enough for Sarah.

Why, if she'd married you, she'd never
have come into business with me.

She'd have gone off to some ghetto
with you to waste her life away.

Hello, my dear sweet mother.

Oh, I can tell by the
edge in your voice

that mullet has been filling
you full of his fantasies.

Mother, why would you do such a thing?
I was in love with him.

- You don't believe him.
- For all these years, I haven't.

But it seems that someone has
recorded your conversation on tape.

...Higher than 25,000.

Oh, look, honey lamb. It's
just because I love you.

I tried to do the best for you.
You had so much potential.

-I just couldn't let you...
-you couldn't let

me live my own life.
That's it, isn't it?

You can't stand the
thought of not being in

control of everything
that surrounds you.

Your business as well as
your very own daughter.

- Oh, Sarah...
- Mother, that is not love.

Maybe one day you'll realize that.

Sarah?

What are you doing?

It's okay, the guy that
lives here is dead.

Oh, right.

Ace, I just want you
to know that if we get

caught, I'm blaming everything on you.

Fine. Start looking.

What are we looking for?

Clues.

- Clues?
- Yeah.

How will we know if we find one?

Just look for anything
out of the ordinary.

A cigarette butt with lipstick on it,

a crumpled-up piece of paper
with a phone number on it,

a spent cartridge.

A spent cartridge? The guy
was thrown overboard.

He might have been shot first.
I don't know, okay?

Ace, that's the first
smart thing you've said.

You don't know nothing.
I'm getting out of here.

Aha! What have we got here?

What is that?

Why don't we just find out?

I've told you 100 times. I
don't want to see anybody.

- I don't care who it is.
- That's Thorn.

That's my final offer.
Where's my ham on rye?

-What is this? -Irene, come
in here and take a letter.

No. Yes. I'll have to get
back to you on that.

Why would Thorn put
his voice on a tape?

That is a very good question, Isaac.

Thank you, ace.

You're hired. You're fired.
Hold all my calls.

I'm glad you could all be here.

Purser Evans has an interesting
theory about the murder of Mr. Thorn.

Captain, don't tell us you're
encouraging this madman.

I hate to admit it, Mr.
McBride, but this time,

I think ace has got something.

Please, try to be brief.

I'll do my best, sir.

Okay. Okay, I'll admit
this case had me fooled.

- That wouldn't be too hard.
- Isaac.

Yes, yes, I should have seen
it from the very beginning.

Thorn had a reputation for
not being seen in public.

So it was no surprise when Irene
culver, his personal secretary,

told us Mr. Thorn had
come aboard secretly.

Maybe Thorn was in the luggage.

I had no idea how close to the
truth I was at that moment.

Later, I went to see Mr. Thorn,

but I was told by Ms. Culver that
he wouldn't see me or anyone else.

But you told me you saw him. You said
your uncle and he were old friends.

Oh. Well, yeah, that's
not important now.

I was insistent. Extremely insistent.

Mr. Thorn, there's a young
man here to see you.

Who is it?

- It's uh...
- Ashley.

Oh, it's Ashley Evans. He's
the nephew of Marshall Evans.

Uh, they used to go
duck hunting together.

You used to go duck hunting together.

I've told you a hundred times.
I don't want to see anybody.

- I don't care who it is.
- Thank you, Mr. Thorn.

She used me to establish the fact
that Thorn was alive and well,

when, in fact, he was neither.

Oh, you're accusing me.

- Mm-hmm.
- How fascinating.

Wait a minute. You told me Thorn was
alive the night we broke into his cabin.

You broke into Mr. Thorn's cabin?

No, he did.

I just went along because you
told me to keep an eye on him.

Ah! A reminder: Don't always
believe what you see.

Yes, I certainly saw
someone that night.

Just promise me you
won't leave the cabin.

Irene, we're on a ship. What
could happen on a ship?

It wasn't Thorn I saw that night.
It was her accomplice!

You're not trying to drag me
into this again, are you?

Yes, Robert McBride was Irene
culver's accomplice in murder.

- So you did do it.
- No.

Wait a minute. This is all very
interesting, but why am I here?

I don't know. I didn't invite you.

I did. Please, sit down, Mr. Evans,

and I'll clear up this mystery.

You were right about many things, Mr.
Evans.

Unfortunately, not the
most important one.

The first...

I did kill Mr. Thorn.

You did? You confess?

Yes.

Grab her before she gets away!
I got her!

Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me.

I... I'm sorry.

And I did use you, Mr. Evans,
because you were the most eager.

And there was something
in that trunk, but

it was hardly the dead body of Mr.
Thorn.

And the night you and nice Mr.
Washington

were so kind as to do
your reconnaissance...

Mr. Thorn, I'm begging you,
you've got to stop drinking.

Leave me alone, Irene.

Once again, you were my witness

to the fact that Mr. Thorn
had been drinking heavily.

I needed people to see what they thought
was Mr. Thorn falling to his death,

so I made sure he fell past a
populated area in full view.

Unfortunately, I hadn't counted on Ms.
Grant seeing my little murder.

But I suppose the darkness and
shadows play tricks on a person

who thinks they are witness
to a terrible crime.

And you people didn't believe my story.

So what happened to Mr. Thorn?

Nothing.

Even though I killed him,
he's alive and well.

More coffee anyone?

I'd like you to meet my
husband, Leonard culver.

That's him. That's the man that
threw Mr. Thorn overboard.

How do you do, ladies and gentlemen?

Wait a minute, you've
got Thorn's voice.

Ah... this is very confusing.

Irene. You're Mr. Thorn, aren't you?

No!

Bravo. Very good, captain.

You see, years ago, I
discovered that a woman,

in that day and time,

could only get so far
in the business world.

So I created the elusive millionaire
eccentric who shunned the public eye.

But my uncle told me
he knew Maxwell Thorn.

He said they went fishing together.

Well, your uncle did just
what you seemed to have done.

He lied to impress his friends.

Oh, well, I might have
implied that I met him.

This is very embarrassing.

But why all this?

For years, hiding behind the
fictitious Maxwell Thorn

afforded me a unique
opportunity in business.

People only knew me as his
trusted personal secretary.

But lately, Mr. Thorn had become a burden
and Leonard wanted to travel more.

So we decided to take Mr. Thorn
to sea and leave him there.

But that still doesn't
explain what I'm doing here.

Ah, yes. Before I got rid of Mr. Thorn,

there was some unfinished business
that needed to be attended to.

A subsidiary of mine
bought a small company

and fired the engineer who started it.

-George tillman! -Yes, so I
gave him back his company.

And Mr. Gilbert, who worked in one of my
plants, contracted a serious disease.

I found him a specialist
who could help him.

And you, Mr. McBride. I was shocked
when you stole money from the company.

But I knew the good man
was in there somewhere.

You had made a mistake
and would realize it.

I brought you here to
give you the opportunity

to do exactly what you did
when you returned the money.

-You gave the money back? -Yes, proving

he was the man I always knew he was.

I'm sorry. I still don't understand why
I'm here. I never knew Maxwell Thorn.

I brought you on this
ship to try to repair the

relationship you once
had with Sarah York.

I used a business deal
as bait to get Sarah

and her mother to come on this cruise.

You took the wall out of our cabin?

I'm good with my hands.
More coffee anyone?

Oh, Leonard. Such a good actor.
He loves the intrigue.

It was thrilling seeing the
two of you get back together.

The elevator, the note?

Well, I used to work
for the government.

Of course, I suppose the secretary would
disavow any knowledge of my actions.

And Leonard even managed to tape
the encounter with Jessica York.

Sarah has the tape. I think she
has been greatly enlightened.

But how in the world did
you know about all this?

We have a daughter who
led a wayward youth.

You met her once in a hotel room.

Her name is chastity.

Excuse me.

Who's chastity? What hotel room?
What are we talking about here?

Ace, please, be quiet. Well, I'm
glad this is finally cleared up.

Please feel free to go
about your business.

Thank you, captain.

Thank you.

Thank you, captain.

Thank you. Good night.

Purser Evans, we need to talk.

We need to define the duties
of the ship's purser.

Yes, sir. But remember,
I was very close.

Hi, may I come in?

Sure, Allan.

Allan, I want you to know
that I believe you now.

I realize that my mother has
caused us an awful lot of trouble.

What do you say we don't
talk about the past?

- It worked last time.
- I'll go along with that.

What's that?

I don't know.

There shouldn't be any icebergs
in this part of the pacific.

- Mrs. Culver!
- Good evening.

I'm telling you this is
against ship policy.

Are you sure we're not
gonna get in any trouble?

Young people today need all
the help they can get.

Emily, how long are you
going to stay mad at me?

I'm not mad at you.

Well, I have something I
think might cheer you up.

Captain, we have something for Emily.

What? What is this?

Well, read it.

"Emily stubing, special
events director"!

It's your new job. I
arranged it with the line.

Welcome to the crew. You're very
popular. The talent show was a big hit!

Yeah. And the chef was wondering if you
could plan some more special buffets.

Say, why don't we all go
down to the crew lounge

- and have a party!
- Yeah!

Now, you're not just
the captain's wife,

you're a member of the crew!

I'd better get to work.

I am so happy!

That makes two of us.