All language subtitles for Solar Opposites s05e08 The What If Device.eng

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

[beacon beeping]

Oh, damn it. Stop beeping.

- [beeping continues]
- Ah, stupid thing!

Okay. Loving that sound.

Also, drop that crap
right now, mamacita.

We're headed to the arcade!

They're debuting a new VR game,
Below Deck Sailing Yacht.

I can't. This is important.

Yeah, yeah. I don't give a shit.
Get this.

One of the deckhands
forgot to tie a fender,

and the stern is rubbin' on the dock.

I can't go to the bloody arcade.
I've gotta fix this beacon.

Allow me to counter that
with my whiny mode.

[clears throat]

[whiny voice]
Korvo, there's no way

this thing matters more
than two adoring husbands

attending an exclusive
VR event together.

You know I'd love
to see VR Andy Cohen

be a messy little bitch but not today.

Come on! Set it aside

and revel in some
Earth culture with me.

[Korvo]
This is the distress beacon,

which you broke when you spilled
a low-carb V8 on it.

[normal voice] Sorry that I was thirsty
for over seven vegetables.

Everything in this house beeps.
Who cares?

It's beaming our coordinates into space!

And?

And if any cyborgs in the quadrant
pick up the signal,

they could pinpoint our location
and assimilate us.

Cyborgs were a myth the elders made up
to trick us into going to bed on time.

I don't care.
I can't put the mission at risk.

Ugh! I wish there was a way to see
that everything would be okay

if you just bailed
and had fun with us.

And I wish there was a way to show you
that being responsible is cool.

- [♪ mystical music]
- Wait, what if there was?

Why do you say that like that?
Stop. It's cringe.

Replicants, assemble!

Ah, geez. Are we in trouble?

I was just exploring my own body.

What do you... N-no.

We are finally going to use
the ship's What If? Device.

Oh, really? Hell yeah!

Holy moly. I didn't even know
we had a What If? Device.

Hey, what's a What If? Device?

It's a piece of Shlorpian technology
you can use

to see how life would be different

depending on wild scenarios
we plug into it.

Inspired by how they do it in Futurama,
now airing on Hulu?

No, it's totally...
It's a very different thing.

Don't say that or we'll get an email
telling us we can't do it.

This is awesome! The Solar Opposites
are having our very own What If? Day.

We could do a bunch of wacky scenarios.

This is gonna rip ass.
Did I use that correctly?

- No.
- Cool!

Come on, hurry!
Let's go and do some What Ifs.

♪ What If Day, What If Day ♪

♪ Anything can happen
on What If Day ♪

♪ What if ♪

♪ The Solars lived underwater ♪

♪ What if ♪

♪ Terry was allergic to corn ♪

♪ What if ♪

♪ Jesse had
a Spice Girls bat mitzvah ♪

♪ And Young Sheldon
had never been born ♪

- ♪ What if Korvo had big naturals ♪
- We're talkin' titties!

♪ Yum and the Pupa won
a Tony for writing a play ♪

♪ Well, you're about to find out ♪

♪ Because anything can happen ♪

♪ On What If Day ♪

[Terry]
Yeah!

I can't believe we have
our very own What If? Device.

I'm gonna ask,
"What if I was a Yeti?"

I can't wait to lurk around
all naked and mysterious

while shitting in the snow.

Perfect idea.
We're doing that for sure.

I'm gonna ask, "What if I wore
two bows on my head?"

Dream bigger, Jesse.

- Ten bows.
- [Jesse gasps]

I'm gonna ask, "What if
ketchup tasted like mustard?"

Let's go ham with
all sorts of crazy What Ifs.

- I wanna go first.
- Nuh-uh. No way. Me, me!

We're all going to get a turn.

But it was my idea so I'm going first.

AISHA, reveal the What If? Device.

[AISHA]
Coming up!

[all] Whoa!

- Wait a hot girl second.
- What's wrong?

The What If button.
It's already been pushed.

- [♪ dramatic sting]
- How can you tell?

Usually, the crystal is above the top.

It's not supposed
to be recessed like that.

See? It should look like that.

Well, let's unpress it
so we can get What If'ing.

- Don't touch that!
- Ow! What was that for?

We can't just reset the button.

Why not? I want to.
It's so pressable.

Because we don't have any idea
how long it's been running.

Ow! See? It's hot
from being on for so long.

Well, you know Terry
don't care about that shit.

You don't understand.

If this thing's been running
this whole time,

it means we're all already
inside someone's What If.

Okay, Grand Moff Obvious.
That's why we gotta turn it off.

If we do that,
reality as we know it will end,

meaning that something
unpredictable about our lives

could change for the worse.

I guess if we never turned it off,

it means someone liked
what they were What If'ing.

Exactly. Someone used the device
and their life got better.

Not me. I'm basically
all grievance all the time.

Me too. I mean, my life's okay,

but I've got notes. You know?

Yeah.
I'd be Mrs. Austin Butler right now

if I had What If'd,
that's for darn tootin'.

Sorry, but generally not being happy
isn't good enough.

We're not unpressing this button
until we have a good guess

what it will change about our lives.

We need to do
a pro and con list for everyone here.

Korvo, no! Pro and con lists
are a gateway drug to Venn diagrams.

Break out the whiteboard!

[all groan]

And done.

Crap. Turns out we actually
all have really awesome lives.

So we all have an equal chance
of messing up our lives

if we press the button.

Fuck it. I'm gonna press that shit.

- No, don't!
- It's an even chance my life gets shitty.

I'm willing to take those odds.

- Me too.
- Yep. I'm in.

Nobody here has a bad life.
Why take the risk?

There was a whole song about it.

Yeah. We were promised a bunch
of wacky What If scenarios.

We don't take kindly
to broken promises, king.

But you don't know what we'll lose.

Finding out will be part of the fun.

- Think about the mission.
- Mission, schmission.

What if whatever the What If is

endangers the thing that
we're doing with the Pupa?

Um, we're totally unbothered
by that possibility.

We're not exactly doing great
with the Pupa anyway.

Maybe resetting the device puts
the mission back a few steps. Who cares?

- What? I care!
- Why? Your life sucks.

Don't you wanna slide that finger
all over that big red button?

Choke me and push it.

Don't try and sexy pet me
into agreeing with you.

I actually have a cool life.
Maybe the coolest life.

So cool you could chill Capri-Sun on it.

Your life isn't cool.

You're the leader of a team
that doesn't respect you,

you never let yourself have fun,

your fashion sucks,
and you're a bald-ass bitch.

You're a bald too.

Yeah, but we own it,
like Steven Seagal.

We're slaying the no-hair,
no-ears look. Smooth.

Come on, gang.
It's three against one.

Wait, wait, wait.
You wanna have fun?

What if we play with
the Dumb Ray instead?

Yeah. Hmm.
What if we did that?

Let's use the What If? Device
and find out!

We wanna do a bunch of fun What Ifs now!

No more talking or being cautious.

No. Let's leave the ship
and watch some TV.

I heard there's a Carlito's Way
marathon on VH1.

That's something
the whole family can enjoy.

You hyped the What If? Device
too well. Get him!

- [all shouting]
- [Korvo wailing]

- [all yelp]
- What the hell?

[AISHA] No roughhousing
on the ship!

Whoa. I see your Shlorp Fu
has improved over the years.

Well then, let us begin.

AISHA, give me cover.

[♪ energetic music]

[Korvo grunting]

Come back here with the What If? Device,
you overly cautious son of a bitch!

I already did my steps for the day.

Please don't make me chase you.
Please!

[tires screeching]

Follow that husband.

Keep your pants on.

I have $14,000
in unpaid parking tickets,

so I have to do this once a week.

You really shouldn't own a car.

Ugh, you sound just like
that woke-ass judge.

[Korvo shouting]

Gotta get you somewhere
Terry would never go.

That store that only sells
books about planes,

Disney's California Adventure,
maybe the dermatologist.

- [thud]
- Ah!

- Ah! Cut it out!
- [What If? Device beeping]

Without the ship systems,
this thing is unstable.

Ah! Stop hitting me!

It just leaked a random What If.

[phone rings]

Give us back that device.
We wanna have fun.

Also FYI, I'm gonna order
Greek food for dinner tonight.

So do you want to split a lamb souvlaki?

No to the first part.
Yes to the souvlaki. [grunts]

Guys, check it out.

What if I had a mustache?

I could finally participate
in No Nut Movember.

Oh, no! The device is losing cohesion.

All sorts of What Ifs are getting out.

Ah, not the coin machine!

Oh, my God, I'm alive!
And I'm rich! Woo!

Ah! I've been tie-dyed.

[Korvo]
Oh, God, a What If'ing phoenix.

Lollipop trees! A rhino!

- [cars thud]
- [device zapping]

Ah!

[all scream]

- [Korvo screams]
- [all screaming]

Oh, God.
I suck at Rainbow Road.

Why couldn't it be
Moo Moo Meadows? No!

[all screaming]

Korvo:
Oh, God.

[all screaming]

Would you stop being a crazy person?

Do you realize how much worse
you're making our lives

by not pushing the button?

Don't you see that, Korvo?
Don't you see?

Ah! I have a wedgie!

[happy gibberish]

I can't! I can't!

We'll just have to live
with all this weird shit.

Babe, what's going on with you?
You hate random chaos.

I know. It's just...

I think I was the one
who pushed the button.

Ah, Korvo, but that means--

It would be my life that would change
if we unpressed it.

- Oh, really?
- Why?

Because my life is amazing.

I'm in love with you
and you love me back,

and we have a great little family.

I don't deserve any of this.

Oh, it only makes sense
that I made a What If

and asked what my life would be like
if you loved me, Terry.

[stammers] But the whiteboard,
the mission.

It's not the mission
I'm worried about. It's us.

If we push that button,
it might reset our marriage.

Our whole love story.

I don't wanna lose us so we can see

"What If Jesse had the powers
of Thor" or whatever.

Yeah, I'd use his hammer
to rob pharmacies.

What if, without this,
I become super lame and stupid

and we never end up together?

Oh, Korvo, I love you
because you're lame and stupid.

[Yumyulack] And unpopular.

Pushing the button will never change that.

- Really?
- Really.

But our marriage needs
to be built on truth.

We need to know
our actual un-What-If'd reality

for what we have to mean something.

We have to know what if the button
had never been pushed.

You're right.
Terry, that's it!

What the hell's that?

It's an emergency crossover machine.

I keep it in the car
in case we ever get a flat tire

but also want to hang out
with the Flintstones.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I could have been
crossing over this whole time?

This machine uses
quantum entangle technology.

I can repurpose the components

and build a single-use What If? Device.

It won't be strong enough
to transform our world,

but we can watch
the What If on a screen.

Of course! Wait, what?

I'm not a logic guy.
I'm really stupid.

Alright, here we go.
Gather round, everyone.

What if whoever used
our What If? Device

had never pressed the button?

[gadget whirs]

This is way back when we escaped
the destruction of Planet Shlorp.

Look, there's the other 99 ships.

[Yumyulack] But you always say
it's a hundred adults.

Wouldn't that only be 50 ships?

[Korvo] A hundred adults
is a hundred sets of adults.

[Yumyulack]
That was not clear.

[Korvo] Well, it's clear now,
you pedantic little shit.

[Terry] Shh! This took us back
far as hell.

Greetings, crew.
It is I, Commander Zarck.

- Commander on the deck.
- [Solars gasp]

[Korvo] Who the fuck
is Commander Zarck?

Holy crap.
He must be our real mission leader.

Hunk alert. Wee-woo, wee-woo.

Oh, my God,
I want to take a bite out of that!

Oh, sorry, babe. [groans]

- [What If zaps]
- [explosion booms]

Wait. So we used to have
a different mission leader?

I don't remember this Zarck guy at all.

Yeah, da fuck?

Da fuck indeed, Terry.
Let's keep watching.

Get out of my seat and don't mess
with the controls again.

You've set us way off course.
We almost hit that space eye.

Sorry, sir.
What should I be doing?

I don't care. Go clean out
the Pupa's poop tray.

Yes, sir.
My course was better.

Man, I looked at all
the cabinets on the ship

and I can't find any cake.

Do we not have any treats?
I want treats.

I'm bored!

Are we there yet? This sucks.

Everyone quiet!
Hey, hey, it's okay.

We'll get you terraforming
in no time.

- Coochie-coo.
- [Pupa giggles]

Enough complaining.

The future of the Shlorpian race
is in our hands.

Take the mission seriously

and follow my orders
with rational diligence.

[mocking]
"Take the mission seriously."

Oh, God, that guy's such a sleemo.

You three are way too focused
on goofing off.

There's no room for fun
when we have a Pupa to take care of.

We have to be strict
and diligent at all times.

Wrong. It's not a dichotomy, Korvo.

They're too goofy, but you're too strict.

That kind of thinking will cause conflict
and endanger the mission

just as much as they are.

Uh, b-but it's very serious work, sir.

That's why you need balance.
Like me.

Look, as long as I'm here,
we'll be fine.

Commander, I am so over your vibe, sir.

- Terry, go to your room!
- Gah, I wish I'd never been planted!

[blows raspberry]

Nice one, boss.

Hey, a little respect.

I'm your leader
whether you like it or not.

We do all the work
while you just boss us around.

We don't need balance.

Oh? And who would be
a better leader?

I would obviously be suited to the task.

Ha! This whole mission
would fall apart without me.

Oh, please. You wish.
We would do fine without you.

Oh really?
Well how about we use the What If? Device

to see how fast you'd botch this
if you were on your own.

[machinery whirring]

What if I was ejected
in an escape pod

and my team had to complete
the mission by themselves

and they didn't remember me at all?

Or what if I don't press the button
and stayed your leader?

This device is powerful.

I shouldn't use it to make a point.

So this Zarck guy
pressed the What If button

and disappeared himself
and we all totally forgot?

What a loser.

Okay, but just so I'm clear,

what we're watching right now is

what would've happened
if he hadn't pressed the button

and stayed our leader on Earth, right?

Yes, Jesse. My God.
Keep up much?

Let's watch how differently
that would've played out.

[alarm blaring]

We've located a planet
ripe for terraforming.

Everyone strap in
and prepare for landing.

[♪ epic music]

♪

[whirring]

Ee-yarth, our new home.

[♪ muzak playing]

Good, good.
The Pupa likes a clean house.

- Scrub near that wall.
- [canned laughter on TV]

- No TV.
- Ugh!

Our sole purpose in life is the mission.

Don't get distracted by human culture.

There's only one way to find out
if our neighbors like us.

- Nanobots.
- Buy an RV. Na-nanobots.

No! Those nanobots are only to be used
if cyborgs invade.

I'm gonna start
wearing fun T-shirts

to show off
my incredible personality

and provide a window
into my genius.

- [laser zaps]
- My apparel!

Shlorpians wear robes.

[grunting]

Ooh, see that?
The Pupa's evolving.

I wub you, Commander Zarck.

Aw! Good words, Pupa!

Commander Zarck,
I'm requesting permission

for Terry and I
to co-sleep in this bed.

Request denied.

You'll sleep in your regeneration pods

so you can do clerical work
while your body sleeps.

- [Korvo/Terry] Yes, sir.
- And Terry,

stop standing outside
the neighbor's window

and watching their TV.

No standing in line.

Absolutely not.

No. No!

No!

Oh, we finally did it!
The Pupa's terraforming!

[Yumyulack]
What? No, that's too soon.

We didn't get to do any cool shit.

Aah, does this guy hate fun?

I don't buy it.
This can't be it.

Look, it's happening!

All our hard work
and discipline paid off.

The mission is complete.

Shlorpian civilization will be reborn

exactly as it always is,
unspoiled by outside influence!

[♪ dramatic music]

♪

[screaming]

[♪ dramatic music continues]

[screen glitching, static]

Wow. I can't believe it.

Zarck, am I right?
Oh, he's a real Chad.

You know he chews gum.

Yeah, he was a stud.

Korvo, babe.
You gotta push that button.

You'll reset Zarck's original What If,

and your biggest desire will come true.

The mission will be complete.
Earth will be terraformed.

We really messed this up.

Zarck would've gotten this world
terraformed twice over.

He's not wrong.

We do spend a lot of time
arguing about new Dr. Pepper flavors.

Little Pepper, Lot of Pepper,
Nurse Pepper, Pepper Zero.

It's okay, Korvo. We get it.
Do what you gotta do.

[♪ emotional music]

[Korvo groans]

[sparks crackling]

Whoa! More Shlorp Fu!

You broke the shit out of that thing.

Damn right, I did.

But I thought you wanted
to complete the mission.

That's like your whole thing.

That Zarck guy was full of shit.

Sure, he got the mission done
in record time,

but we aren't just cogs
in a Shlorpian machine.

We're guiding the Pupa,

but we're also learning
a lot from living on Earth.

We found out about love,
The Criterion Collection,

paintball, NASCAR, and Tubgirl.

Oh, love Tubgirl.

All these beautiful things

that Shlorpians
would benefit from knowing,

they aren't in the Pupa's record
of the home world.

How many Planet Shlorps
have existed

where nothing's different?

Why do we keep replicating it
to be the same

when it could be the same
but also better?

But th-the mission!

I mean, you always said
my dicking around would mess it up.

It does. You go too far all the time.

But now at least we can stay married

and keep boinking
for the good of the mission.

Amen, you bald little bitch.

[Korvo and Terry moaning]

Hell yeah! Oh, get it.

Kiss fest! Woo!

I'm gonna get into a handstand
for a vertical 69.

Catch me, catch me, catch me.

You better tongue that mound.

You're slayin', pimp!

Uh, what about all
the random What Ifs

that the device created
when it was malfunctioning?

Like my mustache,
and also this thing.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Oh, look at my hot coins. [grunts]

Yeah, this thing's gotta go.

Doesn't it all just go away
like at the end of The Lion King

when light returns to Pride Rock?

No. Without the device,

we'll have to break it all down by hand.

- [gunshot]
- [coin machine screams]

[coins clinking]

[phoenixes screeching]

Keep going.
You're doing great.

I just got off the phone with the Navy.

They dumped the woman
who turned into a dolphin

into the Mediterranean.

She's lovin' it.
Doing all sorts of flips and jumps.

[gunfire]

Yeah! These holy water-infused bullets
are doing God's work!

[phoenix screeches]

[♪ pleasant music]

I'm pretty glad
you didn't press the button

and reset everything, Korvo.

Me too.

And so the big What If
turned out to be an "it was."

- Did-did that make sense?
- Well, we'll punch it up later.

- It's like 80% of the way there.
- Perfect.

Somehow, we got out
of this day stronger than before,

without any What If consequences.

Yeah. Consequences suck.

They really do.

Fuck consequences.

- [Terry laughs]
- Yeah, fuck 'em!

- Fuck consequences indeed.
- [all laughing]

[♪ suspenseful music]

[beacon beeping]

[electronic voice]
Distress signal received.

Downloading coordinates.

I've got you now,
you ungrateful turds!

What If it's time for me
to get my revenge?!

[laughing maniacally]

Oh, shit, I forgot my water bottle!

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

♪

[mimicking laser fire]

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