All language subtitles for Solar Opposites s05e05 Ex-Boyfriend Island.eng

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

[school bell rings]

Hey, come on, we gotta hurry
or we'll miss the new Drew Barrymore Show.

Drew's having a reunion
with the bicycle from E.T.

The first time she did coke
was right off the seat.

No can do, Yum.

My new boyfriend's
pro Call of Duty team

has a match against
the New Brunswick Acid Lions today.

I have to be here to show support.

Ugh, you're such a bot.

You're only into eSports

because you're dating a Twitch Partner.

Nah-uh. I liked Z'ash
when he was just an Affiliate.

Plus, he's played all
the Horizon Zero Dawn DLC,

so he knows how to respect women.

Weren't you just dating
the debate captain?

And before that,
some emo douche?

You're really tossing out
the boy toys, Jesse.

You sure this isn't
about you and not them?

[motor rumbling]

'Sup, @Jesse?

Z'ash has entered the chat.

Ooh! I love how online you are in IRL.

People come to the Oasis
for all the things they can do,

but they stay
for all the things they can be.

What does that even mean?

Whisk me away on my gaming chair-iot!

Let the hunt for
Halliday's Easter Eggs begin.

Have fun going home in a chair
not ergonomically designed

for extended subathons, loser!

A better reality awaits!

[Korvo] Planet Shlorp
was a perfect utopia,

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa

and escaped into the... space,

searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth,

stranding us on an already
overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking
this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo. This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.

It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

Why are there so many types of nipples?

Just settle on one size and shape
of nipple

so I can pass my figure drawing class!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Pupa.

[JK Sevens beeps, dings]

Ah.

[JK Sevens beeping]

[♪ dramatic music]

Keep it up, old guy.

Once we get all those yard bucks,
I can pay off my debts

and maybe even have enough left over

to buy a little homestead
by the tire swing

where Terry popped his eye out
trying to do a Jackass.

[Hedgey squeaks]

[laughs] You got that right.

[sighs]

Oh, hang on,
I gotta take a leak.

[unzips]

[urinating]

Awww, yeah.

[Sofia sneezes]

Shit, thought I cured that.

[Sofia sneezes]

- [Sofia screams]
- [grunts]

What the fuck are you doin' here?

Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice
I was hiding in there.

The hedgehog saw me sneaking
a look a couple times.

- Oh, he did, did he?
- [squeaks]

Well, may as well sit upfront now.

Don't feel like you have
to fart less on my behalf.

Whoa, whoa, you're not going anywhere.

You're going back to Gutterville.

And for your information,

that is not farting,
the cart seat makes that noise.

You don't understand,
my Uncle Oscar was murdered.

What are you talkin' about?
I just saw him.

This bounty hunter guy showed up
on a lizard and killed him.

If I go back, he'll get me too.

Crap, I think I know that guy.

Was the lizard kind of flopping around,
like its bones were optional?

Yeah, [sniffs] super floppy.

- Oh, shit. That's Little Richard.
- The singer?

No, people call him that
because his name is Richard,

- and he's little now.
- But we're all little.

Look, I owe money all over the yard.

Someone must have hired to hunt me down.

Your uncle was collateral damage.

[Sofia sobbing]

[sighs]

I'll deliver you to the little village
that formed in the raccoon skull.

It smells like dead raccoon,
but you'll be safe, okay?

I promise I won't slow you down.

You already have.

Luckily, I know a shortcut.

[Gavin farts]

[Sofia]
Oh, it really is the seat!

[Gavin]
Nah, that one was me.

[♪ gentle music playing]

Hey! Everyone pay attention to me!

I just got the greatest
fuckerfudgin' email of my life.

Don't tell me that Italian prince
needs more money.

I'm starting to think he'll never be king.

Korvo, you are never going
to believe this,

but we have finally become
MeUndies Power Bottoms!

Sound the ancient horn
and light the ancestral fires!

Today, we are the princes.

What's a Power Bottom?

It means we bought
so many pairs of MeUndies

that we've gained Ultra Diamond status!

We're the white meat turkey
of boxer brief subscribers!

Hold on to your milkers

'cause they're sending MeUndies
and YouUndies

on an all-expenses-paid trip

to their Balls Fresh Tropicool island!

This is gonna be awesome!

- [Korvo spits]
- [Terry and Korvo laugh]

Oh, bitch, you're not going.

Why can't this bitch go?

Because you buy Hanes
in a 20-pack plastic sack like a freak!

They don't even collab with Rihanna.

Imagine a Hanes boy thinking he can go

to the MeUndies Tropicool island.

Come on, guys, I really wanna go.

Yeah, that's the point of status.

Rubbing it in is half the fun,

which is why we'll be sending you pictures

to make you jealous the whole time.

Have fun with your FOMO,
you little shit.

[Terry and Korvo laughing]

Pfft, like I care about
a stupid underpants island.

[phone dings]

Aw, man, I'm hella jealous,

and they're not even out
of the driveway!

I just don't understand

why you won't let me
come on the whole journey.

I've always wanted to see
all of the backyard.

Yard's a dangerous place.

You've spent most
of your little life sheltered.

Don't trick yourself into thinking
that you know how to survive out here.

Hey, buddy!
I can take care of myself!

[earring sparkles]

- [gasps]
- [both grunt]

- Get those things off your head!
- Why did you do that?

- Your earrings! Get rid of 'em!
- No!

- [Hedgey squeaks]
- Lawn hasn't been watered in weeks.

- The animals are gettin' desperate.
- So?

So a hungry squirrel's attracted
to shiny things.

Like those fuckin' earrings.

Okay, well, I didn't know that.

That's what I meant by sheltered.

I'm a quick study.

I only had to watch,
like, six YouTube tutorials

to master a cat eye.

Yeah, well, just try not
to get us killed by a cat.

[Sofia] [grumbling]
That doesn't even make sense.

[squirrel chittering]

Vacuum. Vacuum ghosts. Vacuum ghosts.

Wow, look at Z'ash go.

He's like the Michael Jordan
of Luigi's Mansion!

Terry and Korvo won't stop
sending me pictures

from their stupid awesome vacation.

Look at their room.
It's built into a cave,

and they have
their own goth butler.

Why did I have to wear
the wrong underwear?

Oh, my God, that's my goth
ex-boyfriend Allister.

His real name is Carl,
but he changed it

to better reflect the dark nature
of his outfits.

Huh, weird that Allister/Carl works
at the MeUndies resort now.

Oh, no, that's Harrison and Graham.

Ah, geez, okay,
look, that's Isla Chafa,

an uninhabited island

where I've been dumping
all my ex-boyfriends

once they get too clingy.

Damn, the staff all have sick rifles.

Would you listen to me?

Terry and Korvo have been kidnapped
by my ex-boyfriends,

and now I have to rescue their asses!

And possibly confront
my heartbreaker past!

Ooh, that's a great excuse
to crash their vacation.

It's not a vacation.

How FOMO blind are you?

Please let me come with you.
I deserve a treat!

I haven't ruined
someone's life in, like, 10 hours.

God, you are so stupid.
Okay, fine. Let's go.

[cart rattling]

There it is, Sandbox Town.

You know, before they built it,
it was just a sandbox.

And before that,
a place for cats to take a shit.

[Sofia] One of the six wonders
of the backyard!

[♪ mellow Western music]

Where is everybody?

I don't know.

Keep your guard up.

[creaking]

[all] Lift, lift, lift.

[all] Lift, lift, lift.

- Lift, lift, lift.
- Wow, they really want that bottle.

You got a lot of balls
showing face in Sandbox Town,

you roughly one-centimeter-tall
piece of human garbage.

Anthony! Look, I swear to God,
I thought that paper plane could carry us.

I'm just fuckin' with you, man!

But now I'm not kidding.

[laughs] I was just kidding again.

Comedy rule of twos, you know.

Look how awesome my sword is.

You totally thought
I was gonna stab you, bro.

Your face was like, "Oh! Don't stab me!"

[chuckles nervously]
Good to see you, Anthony.

Welcome to my town.

It used to be the sandbox.

Yeah, that's pretty clear.

Stop diggin', start vibin'.
We have guests!

[crowd cheering]

[camera clicking]

Ugh!

We need to be careful
to not run into any of my ex-boyfriends.

They've been abandoned here for so long

they've probably gone a little cuckoo.

[laughing] I just sent a selfie
to Terry and Korvo.

They're gonna be so pissed
that I crashed their vacation.

They've been kidnapped!

You're the only one who isn't seeing
what's happening here.

[growling softly]

[phone dings]

Oh! That little Hanes-wearing shit
is on our island!

His FOMO is going to be
wearing off by the second!

Quick, order us room service!

Can we get some food over here?

Look at this picture of
Terry and Korvo's resort food.

They just got free moldy bread!

I gotta figure out a way
to make them as jealous as I am.

Do you see any free snacks?

Did you hear that?

- [chain clinking]
- Wallet chain!

[Allister groaning]

It's Allister. Being outside
of his mom's basement

for this long must be making him crazy.

We gotta get past him.

- [phone dings]
- Oh, Terry's sending smug selfies now.

[Allister growls]

Shit, pentagram necklace!

[Allister growls]

Hurry, that'll only
distract him for a moment!

Two can play at this game.

Hashtag no filter.
Hashtag Hanesboy.

- [phone dings]
- Silence your phone, dumbass,

or you'll alert more feral boyfriends!

Where do you think they do
the vacation braids here?

If Terry sees me with vacation braids,

he's gonna dump gooblers.

Oh, no, it's Graham,
my VSCO ex-boyfriend,

and Harrison, leader of the debate team.

They've learned to hunt as a pack.

We have to get out of here.

Sksksksk.

See, the affirmative starts

and they have six minutes
to make their case.

- Grarrrrrr
- Oh, no. Run!

[Jesse and Yumyulack panting]

- [Jesse grunts]
- [both screaming]

[Jesse] Come on, let's hide behind
the stunningly beautiful waterfall.

I bet Terry and Korvo haven't seen this.

Oh, my God, Z'ash!
You came to save me.

You're the best boyfriend of all time.

Game over, Jesse.

Basketballs? I don't get it.

Are those from NBA2K?

- [Jesse groans]
- [Yumyulack yelps]

[♪ exotic music playing]

♪

The Pupa buried
that bottle of Maker's Mark

with Little Buddy last year.

That guy was a real bad influence.

You've really found
a new life here, Tony.

We're all just grains of sand,

passing through fingers, tickling toes,

a couple of grains getting stuck
around the labia flaps.

When you become one with the sand,

you truly find yourself.

So what are you gonna do with the bottle
once you get it out?

Nada. That's nothing in Mexican.

[laughs]
That's a lot of work for nothin'.

We've already removed the plastic shovels
and candy wrappers.

Once we get that bottle out,

the sand will finally be at peace.

Mm, this place is great.

Plus, this food is amazing!

Yeah, everyone seems
a little too into it.

[rapturous groaning]

Hey, something weird's
going on around here, right?

Yeah, usually hippies dive
into an orgy way faster than this.

They're harmless.

So you love sand, huh?

Oh, yeah. I-I could talk
about it at length.

[Gavin]
Hmm, please do.

[moans] Where are we?

Look, boys, the princess is awake.

Z'ash, I can't believe
you would do this to me.

I changed your diapers
during your Destiny raids.

Did Crota mean nothing to you?

The eSports boyfriend
that you knew as Z'ash

was just a fiction,

a ploy to distract you into complacency.

In reality, I am, and have always been,

Splash Mondoon,

your regular sports boyfriend.

I like basketball, hockey, and et cetera!

No wonder you were so bad at Destiny 2.

I planned all of this to get back at you

for abandoning me and your dumb other exes
on this cursed island.

I used my rowing techniques to escape,

then lured you here
with my general sports charisma.

Now you know how it feels
to be trapped by a lover.

Jesse, what the hell is happening here?

Ugh! I already explained it
and so did he.

Yeah, but even half paying attention,

why are these exes
so heightened and specific?

Because they aren't normal ex-boyfriends.

At school, I was having a hard time
finding my own identity.

All the other girls in my class
have distinct personalities,

and I'm just a boring old space alien.

So I used a device on the ship

to 3D print flesh hunks coded
with hyper-specific interests,

then I dated them so I could adopt
their personalities.

[Splash]
But that didn't work, did it?

[Jesse]
No. I kept getting bored

and ashamed of being
such a poser with each guy,

so instead of breaking up with them,

I threw them away on this island
and started from scratch.

- [Yumyulack] Jesse. Oh, my God.
- I know!

I love 'em, leave 'em,
and never retrieve 'em.

Our cave is twice as big
as Terry and Korvo's.

That is so lit.

Yum, your ADHD has gone
from cute to troubling real quick.

Well, I'm glad you can finally
admit what you did, Jesse.

It was cruel of you to use us
and then lose us.

I know and I'm sorry.

Just let my family go, Splash.

They don't deserve this.

Uh, I'm gonna have to give you
a red card on that one, chief.

We're gonna leave you and your family
to rot in this cave.

And after that, we're going
to move into your house

so we can take a shit
in a real bathroom.

[phone beeps]

Yumyulack's room is bigger.

That whiny little pussy
must have gotten upgraded!

Okay, sure. B-b-but does he have
all these bats? Huh?

Send him a picture of those.

[bats squealing]

Hey, Gavin. Wake up, man.
What's the deal?

[mumbling]
Yummy Eric Bana.

I'm going to T-Bell,
you want a new face?

Are you stoned?

Hmm.

♪

[gags, gasps]

A-ha! I knew it.

[Anthony] [gasps]
What're you doing here?

You're using these mushrooms

to drug your people
into zonked-out hippies.

What? No.
These are shiitake.

I know magic mushrooms grow
in a shit-positive environment,

that's why this hole smells like ass.

Okay, fine, you're right.

The backyard is a terrifying place to live

and the psilocybin,
it helps us become one with the sand.

And also we have killer orgies.

Bullshit! If it was all good,
then you wouldn't be sneaking off.

I'm gonna tell the truth
and let your people decide

if they like tripping balls all day.

- Aah!
- You like truth, huh? Fine.

I need these people stoned
so they keep digging.

All this for sand?

I don't care about the stupid sand.

What I want is the bottle.

When I get that whiskey,

I'm going to corner the market
on booze in the backyard.

I'll be so rich with yard bucks,

I can leave all these dummies behind

and move to Basketballburgh

where I can buy my way into the elite.

So you're just gonna abandon
these people?

Of course, I am.
Rich people can do whatever they want.

Not if I tell them what you're up to.

Uh, yeah, about that.

Remember my awesome sword?

I'm gonna kill you with it.

- [sword swishes]
- [Sofia yelps]

You got shit in my eyes!

Fuck! It's under my contact lens!

Sorry, Yum. If I just had
confidence in who I was,

I wouldn't have had to make
all those fake boyfriends

and none of this would've happened.

We almost have an ocean view.

I don't need to get an identity
from ship-printed boyfriends.

I just have to be myself,
and then the power of my true personality

will overcome these boyfriends
and they'll release me.

Hey, Splash.

- What do you want?
- [Allister groans]

This is the real me.

I like my family.
I love to sleep in.

Once I returned Cheetos
Flaming Hot Wings from Applebee's

and said it was 'cause they were cold,

but I just regretted ordering them.

That's the real Jesse.

Now you know.

[laughs]

Nice try. That was just
a list of boring traits.

Teenagers don't develop real personalities
until they get in their 20s.

Oh, no!
So being myself didn't work?

No, just like Wendy's fries, you're bland.

We're gonna be trapped here until I'm 20?

Will Hulu even exist then?

Wait.
Hey, Harrison, debate boyfriend.

Yumyulack was just saying he wanted
to use an ad hominem attack.

What? No way, you-you can't do that.

Ah! [groans]

[Jesse and Yumyulack panting]

Wait, don't you wanna hear me
establish my assertion

with evidence and logic?

- Stop them!
- [blowing whistle]

[Jesse screaming]

Gavin, we gotta go.

Just disco fries, please.
I hide the key in my armpit.

Come on, big guy, wake up.

[Gavin groaning]

[♪ intense music]

You gotta sober up, man.
Come on.

Wh-where are we?

I need you to get
your head on straight.

- Anthony is--
- [Anthony grunts]

[Anthony and Sofia scream]

[Sofia groans]

[both grunting]

What's going on?

This bottle belongs
to all the sand people.

It could change their lives.

With that thinking,
you'll never survive in the backyard.

- [sword sparkles]
- [squirrel growling]

Wow, that sword really is cool.

- Where did you buy it?
- Buy it? [scoffs]

I made this by hand.

Unlike you, I've had to scratch
and claw my own way

through this godforsaken yard.

Wow, tell me more.

I made it from the nail file part
of some clippers,

and the handle is a piece of sticker.

I once heard that
having something shiny

in the backyard is a really bad idea.

- [squirrel screeching]
- [gasps]

No, no. [yells]

[growling]

[♪ dramatic music]

[sword swishing]

[rumbling]

[thud]

[screeches]

[roars]

[Anthony laughing]

That's right.
I control the sand.

[wood creaking]

- Get out of there.
- No.

I've got this!

I'm the master of the sand!

[screaming]

Let's get the fuck out of here
before he springs out of the sand.

I have seen too many
of those kind of movies.

[all grunting]

♪

Hashtag cardio life.

I'll never beat these boys
without a real personality.

I need life experience fast.

Maybe I can date a vegan
or travel to Belize for one month

and make it my whole thing.

But that's still so basic.

Ah, great,
now it's loading car ads first.

Why does it do that?
Just post already.

Wait! Yumyulack, that's it.

Uh, what the hell is going on?

When did we end up on a cliff?
What day is it?

I'm gonna throw you off this mountain

and kill your uncharismatic ass for good.

I may be basic,
but now I'm basic with this.

You bought a car?

That's the one thing that simulates
an identity in teens! Yech.

That's right.
A 2009 Saturn Vue in clinical blue.

My credit journey starts today.

You have more personality
than anyone in your grade.

Why is this happening to me?

The more interesting I get,
the weaker you become.

I'm gonna get
a "coexist" bumper sticker

and be a designated driver, bitch.

Everyone will wanna hang out
with me now.

[Splash yells]

[♪ triumphant crescendo]

- [tires squeal]
- [girl] Ugh.

How long is this going to take?

We're starting to sober up.

This will just take a minute, Stacis.

And then we can go back
to being popular.

Hit a whippet while I wrap up my shit.

Turn me up, queen.

Come on, it's okay. You can do it.

[groaning]

You'll be safe here.
These are your people.

[Allister groans]

Don't worry, I'm gonna get you all
to your natural habitats.

Because I have a car.

- [girls cheer]
- Jesse rules!

Let's get fucked up on hard seltzer

and disappoint our stepdads.

Whoo-hoo!

[Jesse]
Wow, what a day.

We saved the boyfriends,
confronted my past,

and we even rescued Terry and Korvo.

I can't believe they thought
they were on a vacation the whole time.

What a couple of dipshits.

Wait a minute,
did we rescue Terry and Korvo?

Yeah, right? I thought we did.

Didn't Terry make us
those Skittles frittatas for brunch?

I made those.

Ah, geez.

Oh, man. I've never felt
this relaxed in my life.

Best wellness retreat ever.

Damn, Korv, you're so relaxed.

Yum's gonna be so jealous...

How are you feeling?

Like shit.

I'm glad you trusted your gut,

or we'd be stoned
and digging in sand right now.

Huh.

Maybe you do have what it takes
to make it out here.

I still have a lot to learn.

Like, I can't believe that even after
we told everyone about Anthony's plan,

they still decided to keep doing mushrooms
and worshiping the sand.

[Gavin] Ah, I guess we all have
to find some way to be happy.

[groaning]

[bounty hunter]
Tell me where they went.

- I told you I don't know.
- Just like the rest of 'em.

You're no use to me.

[lizard growls]

[♪ thrilling music]

[♪ dramatic theme]

[mimicking laser fire]

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0