All language subtitles for Solar Opposites s05e02 The Never-Ending Honeymoon.eng

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

♪

[♪ gentle music playing]

Why the F did we leave Clervix 3

to come back to this
broke-ass planet?

Look at my skin.

It's cracking from all the dryness,
the air, the climate change,

my addiction
to blow-drying my scalp.

Korvy, baby, hard disagree.

I love Earth. I missed organizing
all my T-shirts into loose categories.

[man]
Hey, aliens! A little help?

Is that our neighbor yelling at us
like a goddamn animal?

- [hair dryer whirring]
- Who?

Korvo, you gotta stop with the hair dryer.

You got no hair,
you're burning a hole in your head,

and you're making
the house smell like broccoli.

[horn honking]

I got your mail
while you were on vacay.

Shit-ton of packages.

You guys really lean
into that "buy now" button.

Ooh, my subscription boxes.

I love the thrill
of having someone else make

my purchasing decisions.

I know you lovebirds
just got married,

so I'm thinking
super fancy honeymoon, huh?

Yeah, right. I would never be caught
on a low-rent, trash-ass moon.

- Me neither.
- Come on.

You guys know what
a honeymoon is, right?

- What? Of course, we do.
- How dare you!

Piss yourself until you die, Kevin!

If there's anything we know,
it's what a bloody honeymoon is.

According to Wikipedia,
a honeymoon is

an uninterrupted newlywed vacation
taken immediately after the wedding.

We're late for
our mandatory sex vacay?

We gotta leave right now.

You're right. I'll book us a room
at the nicest resort in Canada,

the sexiest of all countries.

Quick, pack several things
we won't end up wearing

and some heavy books
we won't end up reading.

- On it.
- [clothes rustling]

Can someone drop me off
at the mall?

OshKosh B'Gosh is having
a sale on all their galoshes.

We're doing special
husbands-only time,

and Wikipedia says
we can't be interrupted.

[Yumyulack screaming]

I tried playing softball,

and I underhand pitched too fast.

Sorry, pal, I can't help you,

because half of
the Solar Opposites

are goin' on a honeymoon.

[Korvo]
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa

and escaped into the... space,

searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth,

stranding us on an already
overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking
this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo.
This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.

It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.

They eat cheese, which is mold,

but when I scrape mold off my feet
in a movie theater,

everyone gets all like,
"Oh, oh, oh, don't do that. It's gross."

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[Ms. Frankie]
Alright, let's make this quick.

I'm late for my other job,

where I stand in front
of self-driving cars

to see if they detect humans.

Are you doing a bit?
Is that really a job?

Of course, it is.
Now shut up.

Due to your planetary absence,
you two are failing Sex Ed.

I'm not sure we need to learn
about the sex, Ms. Frankie.

Yeah, we reproduce asexually,

without any floppy human organs.

We have these things
called shmelk holes.

Each Shlorpian has a unique one.

Shut up! My paycheck is based
on how many students pass.

So, if you fail,

I swear I'll make sure
you get held back a year.

[Yumyulack and Jesse]
No!

We can't hang with the younger kids.

They're intimidating as hell.

Those bitches were raised on Euphoria.

[Yumyulack and Jesse]
Ah!

Please, we'll do anything.

Good.
We also made porn dioramas

to make sure you dumbass teenagers
comprehended the material.

Oh, sorry,
that's my rusty trombone.

[chuckles] I meant that.

Can't we just be emancipated
from school

like tennis prodigies?

I wish. How good's your game?

- [Yumyulack grunting]
- [ball popping]

[Yumyulack groaning]

You're impressive on clay,

but your grass game falls to shit.

It's a no-go on the emancipation.

What a proclamation!

Part of Sex Ed is learning

that your actions have,
oh, consequences.

Fucky-fucky can lead to some shit.

So, you two have to take care
of this bag of sugar

as if it were a baby for an entire week.

It's conflict sugar, which I'm not
proud of, but it tastes better.

I use it to bake oven-fresh cookies
that trick men into staying the night.

Pssht, that's it?
Easy mode.

Could have been easy mode,

but now that you disrespected
my sugar,

you also have to sci-fi it
into a real baby.

But I don't want a Sugar Baby.

I want a sugar daddy,
or at least a sugar legal guardian.

And it's rude to assume
that just because we're aliens,

we have the technology
to bring things to life.

Uh-huh. Tell it
to Principal Cooke's living car.

- [car brakes squealing]
- That's it, good car, good car.

- Get the carrot. Fuck!
- [car thuds]

[all laughing]

Okay, that was us.

Oh, shit,
it's coming back for more.

[Principal Cooke]
Oh! Oh, God!

Fine, here comes the sci-fi.

[Make Alive ray zapping]

- [♪ upbeat music playing]
- [Sugar Baby cooing]

- It's so cute.
- Aww, hi, baby.

You have one week to keep it alive.

- It can die, right?
- Oh, yeah.

Good, I mean bad.

Don't let that happen.

- We have to respect life in all its forms.
- [horn honking]

[Principal Cooke]
It's grinding my bones into dust.

[♪ sensual music playing]

[Korvo and Terry moaning]

Oh, my God, I had no idea
how turned on I'd get

by making out on a bed
shaped like an organ.

I'm glad you talked me
out of the Bahamas.

[Korvo sighs]
Nothing beats

Alanis Morissette's
Jagged Little Resort, eh?

Canadian Reddit won't shut up aboot it.

They have the best gin
and Isn't-It-I-Tonics in the province.

[knock on door]

Ding-dong.
Sorry to interrupt you two love slugs.

But I have complimentary champagne,
some big rush zip,

and a pile of Simple Simons
with your name on it.

Ah, yes, I understood
almost half of that.

It's drugs.

Wait a minute, complimentary zip?

- When does that ever happen?
- Well, it's your honeymoon.

You get all sorts of free stuff.

What's the catch, bellman?

You ought to know,
I have one hand in my pocket,

and the other one is waiting for a tip.

I've never tipped, and I never shall.

- Get outta here!
- Sweetie.

Ugh. Fine.

Now get outta here.

Damn, I was all wet to get married,
but I had no idea

how great
the honeymoon perks would be.

Yes, everyone's falling over themselves
to be nice to us,

just because we've taken
their monogamy oath.

Upgraded to first class,
big bowl of fruit in the room.

What about all those chocolate dicks
we received on arrival?

You guzzled those down.
Nom, nom, nom.

Guilt-free dicks.

When people find out
you're on your honeymoon,

it's a free Genie Pass to the best shit.

As a married husband,

I think we should enjoy
this unexpected boon

without taking it to the extreme.

Mm-hmm, I hear you on that,

but counterpoint from
an equally married husband:

Why don't we run around
and stress-test this shit

so we can see how much
fun stuff we can get?

- Only if we 69.5 first.
- Do I have to?

[laughs] I'd love that.

[Korvo grunts]

[♪ upbeat music playing]

Hey, those are my French fries.

We're on our honeymoon.

Aww, I'll get you truffle oil.

- [chair rattling]
- Ah, help!

Someone call the mounted police.

I'm on my honeymoon, you old bitch.

Enjoy your love.

- H-moon hotties here!
- [gunshot]

This is our spa day now.

But we're on our honeymoon too.

- Oh, shit!
- Checkmate!

You're all entitled to a special rubbing.

[Korvo and Terry gasp]

Uh, oh, yeah!

Honey, you can't just shoot a gun

into the ceiling
to get people's attention.

But it's my honeymoon.

Oh, shit, right, congratulations.

[Sugar Baby wailing]

- [Pupa growling]
- Ow, Pupa!

Punch JK Sevens somewhere else.

And can you keep
that Sugar Baby quiet?

I'm trying to game here.

I carried this baby
for nine whole blocks

on the way home.

The least you can do is tell me
I'm doing a good job.

Oh, come on, I don't want him.

My arms are tired.

We are totally failing at being
a mandatory school family.

I think it wants to feel skin to bag.

Take off your shirt.

Ugh, Pupa, JK, get away from me!

And, Jesse, you gotta stop reading
those parenting subreddits.

But their judgments
keep me awake at night,

which helps me stay alert
for night-time feedings.

Let's just do what all
reasonable parents do

when things get hard.

Distract it with screen time.

- [slap thwacks]
- No screens for baby.

- [Sugar Baby wailing]
- [Pupa screaming]

Can I get five more masseuses,
three for each cheek?

On your honeymoon?
Of course.

We really should have
gotten married sooner.

Who knew it would be
the cheat code to life?

It's great, right?

You should definitely
enjoy it while it lasts.

What on earth does that mean?

- Honeymoons are only like a week?
- What?!

[Terry] It's right there on Wikipedia.
Honeymoons last a week.

After that, it's just traveling
without any of the perks,

and our week's almost up.

But I've grown accustomed
to the honey-lifestyle.

How am I supposed
to go back to underwear

without newlywed cans?

[cans clanking]

The honeymoon gives us a pass
from being decent and careful.

I took that guy's wallet
and shoved him into the pool.

He was wearing
a Detroit Tigers hat, Terry.

A Detroit Tigers hat.

He's gonna kill me, Terry.
He's probably from Michigan.

I don't want this week to end!

Nor do I, Terry, but I can't control time,
not on that scale.

[gasps] Wait, I don't have to.

If the honeymoon only lasts a week,

then I just have to extend the week.

Korvo, you've gone honey-mad.
That doesn't make any sense.

This is Korvo,
the blue alien in room 413.

MTV Unplug your finger out of your arse
and get me a dovmecopter.

My husband and I will have
one hand in our...

We'll be borrowing it for the afternoon.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[Korvo] If we find the Progenitor ship,
we'll find the answer

to extending our honeymoon week.

Ah, yes, the Progenitors.
I know them well.

That's why we're here,
for the Progenitors.

Nothing like a good old Progenitor,
am I right?

Progenitors were the ancient aliens
who created the solar system.

Ah, yes, the so-lar system,
I know it well.

You're an alien from space.

How do you not know
what a solar system is?

I'm more of a sexy,
Flash Gordon-type alien.

Damn right you are.

[beeping]

Okay, a Progenitor ship
should be buried right here.

- And now we dig.
- Fight!

Right, yes, of course.
Diggity dig.

- [pickaxes thudding]
- [Korvo and Terry grunting]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[Korvo]
Beautiful.

A piece of ancient history,

undisturbed since the dawn
of time, untouched by...

- [scraping]
- Terry!

Ugh, you ruined my vandalism.

[door whirring]

[door thuds]

- [♪ suspenseful music playing]
- [both gasp]

These primordial geniuses

really knew how to design
a control room.

Eat some ass, Marie Kondo.

Oh, look, these two died fucking.

[signal beeping]

This species ignited the sun
and set the orbit of the Earth.

And they still had time
to be sexy freaks. Impressive.

- [Terry grunts]
- [skeletons clatter]

They locked the orbit into 52 weeks
to complete a full solar revolution.

But if we increase
the circumference of the orbit

a little larger...

Can't spell circumference without cum!

...then each of the 52 weeks
will have to be a day longer.

Which means
our honeymoon week is longer.

Terry, I love it when you understand
what I'm saying.

It hurt my brain.

Now, let's get out
of this dusty sex tomb

and go get more free stuff.

[Korvo and Terry]
Honeymoon, honeymoon, tee-hee-hee!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

- [sighs]
- [phone ringing]

- [phone clicks]
- Hello?

Madam President! I've never had to answer
this phone, but-- what?

The whole orbit?

Okay, yeah, I'll just slide in
a new day called, uh, Blurgday

right at the end there.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

I-I'm sorry, ma'am, but your
appointment is on Saturday.

It's still Blurgday.

It's too bad you're checking out.

You never got to do our VIP
swim-with-the-beluga-whale experience.

[both gasp]

[signal beeping]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Looks like a couple more days
were added to the week.

So, would you like to swim
with the regular belugas

or horny belugas
with the French maid hats?

We'll take both.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[air whooshing]

[Korvo and Terry moaning]

Are you done honeymooning?

Hell no, give me more days.

[signal beeps]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

- [glass tinkling]
- [Sugar Baby wailing]

How is this week so long?

I don't know, but I'm so tired.

- [glass shatters]
- [Sugar Baby wailing]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[fire crackling]

Brr. Consequences build
as the week mysteriously extends.

TGIFridays closed their doors for good,

and SNL fans have been forced
to watch reruns

to get their fix of overplayed,
first-act sketches

that beat non-jokes into the ground.

Brr!

As the Earth's orbit
moves away from the sun,

temperatures continue to drop.

- [Sugar Baby thuds]
- [TV shatters]

Sugar Baby, no, bad Sugar Baby.

- [bowl thudding]
- [Sugar Baby babbling]

It's been, like, 50 days!

I can't do this anymore!

It's all your fault for bringing
the Make Alive ray to school.

Don't blame me.

Whatever sci-fi shit is happening

is for sure Terry and Korvo's fault.

We gotta make them stop.

We can't interrupt their honeymoon.

Can we please give
Sugar Baby screen time?

It'll give us peace.

But I've been such a good parent.

This week is too long.
Look at Pupa.

He's a supercomputer,
and even he can't win.

He's been trying to throw
JK Sevens out for days,

no one's picking up the trash.

[Sugar Baby wailing]

- [door thudding]
- Ahh!

It feels like we're
never gonna get to Monday!

We're co-parents.

We have to give up on this together.

Ugh, fine, but can we
please let Sugar Baby

watch something sweet and chill
and mildly educational?

How about
The Great British Bake Off?

Those snaggle-toothed colonizers
could dull anyone to sleep.

Okay, but only Bake Off.

I don't want him getting coked up
on that flipping Blippi.

[narrator] [on phone] This week,
we're making a single pancake.

- [Sugar Baby cooing]
- [Jesse and Yumyulack sigh]

And I think we'll have
the head-over-beet salad.

What the-- Oh, right,
the Alanis Morissette thing.

And... choo, choo,
choo, choo, choo, choo,

a side of this-album-is-about
Dave-Coulier-acorn squash.

Hello? I said I want the squash.

- [ice crinkling]
- [♪ suspenseful music playing]

Uh, Korvo, why is everyone frozen?

Ah, I guess maybe we pushed the planet
a little far from the sun.

But that's not so bad, right?

No, we should be fine,
as long as we don't...

- [Korvo gasps]
- [♪ dramatic music playing]

Holy shit, we're going to crash into Mars!

On our honeymoon!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Maybe we're gonna miss it!

Its gravitational pull
is already affecting us.

We've flown too far from the sun, Terry,

and now the planet is going
to pay the price.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[Terry screams]

- [door clicks]
- Ahh!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Hope you enjoyed your stay. Do you have
a quick minute for a survey?

[Terry and Korvo scream]

How did we let it get so bad?

I mean, I know how I did,
but you're the smart one, Korvo.

I know, but the danger
of changing the orbit

was better than something
I'd read on Wikipedia

that scared the gooblers out of me.

Oh, God. What did you read about,
Chupacabras, ee-ee?

There's a common phrase people use,

"The honeymoon is over."

What does that mean?

It's what people say
about nasty couples

who've been married for a while
and hate each other.

They start to see the ugly parts
of their spouses they can't un-see.

That's why the divorce rate
is like 4.5 out of 5.

So we make a promise.

Divorce is a forbidden D word.

Like how Disney Plus won't let us say
"Donald [bleep] dirty [bleep]"

or how Dopey is
the only dwarf that [bleep].

I never want to resent you,

not more than I currently do.

Korvo, if we can fuck
with the Earth's orbit,

we can fuck
with marriage statistics.

Honey, I am here for the tough times.

- I want to see your ugly parts.
- I do too.

Let's return Earth to its rightful orbit,

warm the planet back to the previous
catastrophic temperature,

and end this honeymoon on our terms.

That's my hot-ass husband right there.

And every year, we can celebrate
our anniversary right here.

[pickax thudding]

[♪ classical music playing]

[air whooshing]

[rumbling]

♪

[♪ classical music playing]

[Yumyulack yawns]

Good thing Korvo equipped the house
with its own artificial gravity

after Terry kept throwing
his jugs on the roof.

[window thudding]

[distorted beeping]

[♪ classical music continues]

- [Sugar Baby screams]
- Ow, he cut me.

What the heck is wrong with you?

[gasps] It's the baking show.

Look what they're using.

[gasps] While we've been resting,

Sugar Baby was watching them
destroy his friends and family.

[both]
Ah!

That little freak's
on a murder mission.

He was Ms. Frankie's special sugar.

She must have killed all his friends
with her fresh-baked hook-up cookies.

We can't let him kill Ms. Frankie
or we'll never pass Sex Ed.

Activate magnet shoes.

[shoes beeping]

[shoes clomping]

How do these work on cement?

Shut up, nerd.

[Pupa grunting]

Ah! No!

[♪ heroic music playing]

[beeping]

Harry Potter whistle!

- Aw, friends.
- [JK Sevens beeping]

[Terry and Korvo grunting]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Oh, what the hell?
It's stuck.

We're gonna have to do it manually.

There are 10 switches around the room
we must engage at the same time.

Love, love, love, love.
I got mine.

That's eight. Come on, Terry,
we just need two more.

[rumbling]

How the hell are we supposed
to reach the last two?

Oh, God. We're gonna have
to spread our flaps

and use our shmelk holes.

What? I've never shown anyone
my shmelk hole. It's disgusting.

I haven't either,
but we don't have a choice.

But mine's so ugly.

You're not gonna think I'm sexy.

This is what I read about
on Wikipedia, Terry.

We're gonna see the ugly parts
of each other,

and we'll be okay.

- I don't know.
- Terry, I love all of you.

Uh, okay, fine.

[Terry groaning]

[limb rustling]

[Terry groans]

Oh, God, oh, fuck,
it smells like, like...

I can't be clever on-the-fly
like Deadpool.

It stinks, okay?

Hey, th-th-that's normal.

I showed you mine,
it's your turn now.

Okay.

- [Korvo groaning]
- [limb rustling]

[Terry]
What the fuck?

It's beautiful.
That's not fair.

- It's gross, don't look.
- No, it is not.

Why does yours smell like cinnamon?

I want it in my mouth.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[limb thuds]

[machinery powers on]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[limbs slurping]

Hey, the polar bears are gonna be okay.

Yes, but we also returned climate change.

Oh, the polar bears
are not gonna be okay.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

- [screaming]
- [buildings thudding]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Typical sci-fi reset.

Oh, my baby.

[Sugar Baby growls]
[♪ suspenseful music playing]

Apologies to my subscribers
for the late post.

The gravity chaos fucked up
my other, other, other job.

ASMR of sexy Pokemon names.

Charizard,

Squirtle, Jigglypuff.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Ah!

- [Sugar Baby growls]
- Ahh!

- [Sugar Baby growling]
- Ow, that really hurts.

I regret being helpful.

- [glass shatters]
- Oh, no!

What the hell is going on?

We, we lost our Sugar Baby.

Go ahead and fail us.

Did you spend wakeless days
caring for something

that exhausted you, didn't listen,
and eventually ran away

to pursue something
you didn't approve of?

You betcha with a capital B,
Ms. Frankie.

Plus, he stole 20 bucks outta my purse.

Congrats, you experienced
true parenting, you passed.

Sugar Baby is still out there.

I'm worried he's gonna do
a murder on you.

Nah, without us, I'm sure
he'll get licked to death by a horse.

He'll be fine.

[narrator]
Today, on The Great British Bake Off.

Everyone, grab your sugar.

- [Sugar Baby growling]
- [host screaming]

[♪ gentle music playing]

Korvy, I'm having VIP withdrawal.

- Am I important?
- We did the right thing.

We have all we need to feel special,

us, the team family,

and this goddamned
heart-shaped bed.

[lips smacking]

[♪ gentle music playing]

[Terry] You wanna blow out my back
and break this bed in half?

[Korvo]
This heart shape is too small!

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

♪

[mimicking laser fire]

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