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- # Oh, Mandy
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00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:07,320
# Well, you came and you gave without
taking
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00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:09,720
# But I sent you away
4
00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:12,120
# Oh, Mandy
5
00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:16,760
# Well, you kissed me and stopped me
from shaking
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00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:19,040
# And I need you today
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00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:21,680
# Oh, Mandy. #
8
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- Will this take long?
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00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:27,920
- Mandy, a position has become
available that I know
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00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:29,920
for a fact you'll be interested in.
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- Doubt it, mate.
12
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- Quality control at the local biscuit
factory.
13
00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:34,560
- You're kidding?!
14
00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:36,040
- I know - your dream job.
15
00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:37,840
So, shall I give them a ring?
16
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- Duh! Yes.
17
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:40,440
- Next!
18
00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:50,520
Mandy Carter?
- Yeah.
19
00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:52,280
- Yeah, take a seat. Thanks.
20
00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:55,240
So, you're here for the biscuit taster
job?
21
00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:56,800
- Yeah. I love biscuits.
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00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:59,080
- Yeah, well, if you get the job,
you'll hate them by next week.
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00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:00,760
- I doubt that very much.
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00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:03,120
Can I ask exactly what the job
entails?
25
00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:06,960
- We manufacture 75,000 biscuits every
single day.
26
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:10,240
Your job, Mandy, would be to test one
in every 300
27
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for taste and texture.
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If that biscuit satisfies your taste
buds,
29
00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:18,840
you can let another 300 go through.
30
00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:20,520
- That's it?
31
00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:21,840
- That's it.
32
00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:23,720
- Never wanted a job more.
33
00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:26,160
I feel like my whole life's been
leading up to this.
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Are you all right?
35
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- I was going to retire soon.
36
00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:38,800
I spent my whole life thinking about
biscuits.
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What a waste.
38
00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:42,800
Look, Mandy, this job...
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..is not for everyone!
40
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:48,800
It can get quite...
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00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,520
..dull!
42
00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:53,600
You'll hate the taste of biscuits!
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You'll reek of bourbons!
44
00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:59,960
Just the sight of a custard cream...
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..will make you throw up.
46
00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:05,400
Are you still interested?
47
00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:06,800
- Absolutely.
48
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:10,240
- Here's your clipboard.
49
00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:12,280
- What do I do with this?
- Well, you just hold it.
50
00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:14,040
Makes you look efficient.
51
00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:16,600
Right, every 300th biscuit, you taste
it,
52
00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:18,520
and make a mark here.
53
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Now - this is the most important thing
-
54
00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:24,800
if you taste a biscuit that tastes
off,
55
00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:27,440
then you press this immediately.
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The entire production line is stopped,
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and the person who made that biscuit
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is taken out and shot.
- Fair enough.
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Do I get to take the broken ones home
with me?
60
00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:39,160
- No, no, no. We take the theft of
biscuits -
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00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,520
intact or broken - very seriously
here.
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00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:43,920
It would result in your instant
dismissal.
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00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:45,880
OK, let's make biscuits.
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00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:50,880
- UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
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Oh, fuck.
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00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:30,760
Oh!
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00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:32,000
Ow!
68
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:33,840
Oh, oh... Argh!
69
00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:34,880
Oh!
70
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:37,200
Ow!
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Oh, fuck!
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00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:40,400
MANDY PANTS
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Oh, argh, argh...!
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00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:43,960
Oh!
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SHE RETCHES
76
00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:52,280
Shit! Uh! Ow!
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Ow!
78
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:55,480
Agh!
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00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:58,360
Oh! Agh!
80
00:03:58,360 --> 00:03:59,400
Oh...!
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00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:02,640
Argh!
82
00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:03,960
Oh...
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00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:07,280
SHE GROANS
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00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:13,280
HEAVY THUD
85
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:14,600
Agh!
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I'm not slacking, honestly!
87
00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:20,800
I just popped out for some fresh air!
88
00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:23,560
MANDY WAILS
89
00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:27,080
- They take biscuit theft very
seriously.
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00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,120
- I can't believe he had the audacity
to sack me.
91
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:30,840
If it wasn't for the biscuits breaking
my fall,
92
00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:32,200
I wouldn't be here now.
93
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:34,000
- Well, yeah, that does seem unfair.
94
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,520
It does mean it's going to be very
hard for me to find something else
95
00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:38,600
for you, though, because the biscuit
people are refusing
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00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:40,080
to give you a reference.
97
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:42,000
This is about all I have.
98
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,080
Go along, and they'll show you the
ropes.
99
00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:46,400
- Oh, great!
100
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:49,160
- Maybe give your face a wipe.
101
00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:51,240
- Maybe wash your fucking balls, mate.
102
00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:59,040
Hiya!
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00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:00,520
Sorry I'm late.
104
00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:02,880
- First day, is it?
- Yeah, I'm right excited.
105
00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:04,560
- Are you?
- Yeah.
106
00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:06,400
- OK, well I'll show you around
quickly,
107
00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:08,560
and then I'll get you started with
your gun.
108
00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:09,800
- LAUGHING: Oh.
109
00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:11,800
For a minute, I thought you said gun!
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00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:14,200
LOUD MOOING
111
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:15,560
DULL THUD
112
00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:18,720
- What went wrong at the abattoir,
Mandy?
113
00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:20,000
- What went wrong?
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00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,320
What went fucking wrong?
115
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:22,720
I had to kill cows, didn't I?
116
00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:25,040
- What did you think you had to do,
bake them a cake?
117
00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:27,320
It's an abattoir - Bliss
Slaughterhouse - you knew that.
118
00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:28,760
- Slaughterhouse? I thought...
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00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:30,480
I thought it was Bliss Laughter House!
120
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,520
I thought it was some sort of comedy
club.
121
00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:34,360
I thought it was going to be a laugh.
122
00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:37,040
Instead it was just mindless killing.
- Well, yeah.
123
00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:39,320
- I didn't know there'd be cows in
there, all lined up!
124
00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:41,480
- Where do you think beef burgers came
from, Mandy?
125
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:44,680
- I don't know! I just thought they
were, like, meaty brown discs.
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00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:47,080
I just never put two and two together
before.
127
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:48,960
I'm never touching meat again.
128
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,640
Morrissey was right - about that, at
least.
129
00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:55,360
You don't need to eat meat, not when
we've got Linda McCartney stuff.
130
00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:57,440
- OK, can we get back to why you're
here, please?
131
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,040
- Yeah, why am I here?
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00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,480
I only ever seem to get these terrible
jobs.
133
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:04,280
- That's not true. They're not all
terrible.
134
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:07,000
We found you a job with a nature
documentary last year.
135
00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:22,400
- EAGLE SCREECHES
136
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:23,880
You're not meant to step in.
137
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,120
- Yeah, and what did you do?
- Stepped in.
138
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:28,440
I just couldn't stand by and watch a
defenceless rabbit
139
00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:29,640
get ripped to shreds.
140
00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:31,440
- It's nature, Mandy. That...
- Yeah?
141
00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:32,960
Well, I feel like that rabbit.
142
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,280
When's someone going to boot the eagle
off my back, eh?
143
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:37,400
Why do I only get these terrible jobs?
144
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:39,240
When am I going to be the factory
owner?
145
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:40,520
When am I going to be the boss?
146
00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:42,440
When am I going to be the chairman of
the Bank of England,
147
00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:43,720
or the head of ICI?
148
00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:45,840
I mean, am I stupid or something? Is
that my destiny?
149
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:47,400
Is it cos I'm an idiot?
150
00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:49,760
I never seem to get anywhere, however
much I try.
151
00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:52,120
- Look, Mandy, it's not that you're...
152
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,240
..stupid, per se.
153
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:56,960
It's just that you don't move in the
right circles.
154
00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:59,120
You know, a lot of these big jobs, you
know what they say -
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00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:00,920
it's not WHAT you know, it's WHO you
know.
156
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,480
- I don't know anyone.
157
00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:04,400
Except Lola, and she only knows me.
158
00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:07,280
- OK.
159
00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:08,880
Just go home, put your feet up.
160
00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,320
And we'll find you something new on
Monday, OK?
161
00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:13,240
- MANDY SOBS
162
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:14,720
- There, there, there.
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00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:17,280
There, there.
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00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:20,080
- "It's not what you know, it's who
you know"!
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00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,840
Have you ever heard anyone say that,
Lola?
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00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:24,120
- No.
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00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:27,640
- No! You see, we don't even know the
people that say that!
- Yeah...
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00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:29,440
- Oh, God!
169
00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:33,400
I don't know the right people, or even
the wrong people.
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00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:36,640
I'm never going to be anyone
important!
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00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:38,240
STUTTERING SOBS
172
00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:40,760
- Who wants to...?
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00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:42,320
- BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY
174
00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:43,640
- Huh...
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00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:43,640
Who wants...?
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00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:45,520
- LOUD RASPING
177
00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:46,600
- Ha...
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00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,800
Who wants to be someone important?
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00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:50,800
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
180
00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:52,320
- Yeah, well, I've decided!
181
00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:56,320
I'm going to... I'm going to make
something of me life.
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00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:59,680
I've been letting life roll over me
for too long!
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00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,080
- Well, what are you going to do?
184
00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:02,840
- I'm going to have a party.
185
00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:05,720
And I... I'm going to invite all the
local celebrities
186
00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:09,040
and dignitaries that I can think of.
187
00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:11,960
You-you know, like... Like Jeffery
Archer did.
188
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:15,080
You know? And he's done all right for
himself.
189
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:18,120
UNCONVINCINGLY:
- That's a great idea, Mandy.
- Yeah.
190
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,560
- Did you write to your local
dignitaries?
191
00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:48,200
- Yeah, I invited the local mayor,
192
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:50,240
the manager of Fitness First,
193
00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:53,320
the lollipop lady, the local vicar.
194
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:55,320
Some celebrities, like, uh...
195
00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:57,880
..Linda Lusardi, Alan Yentob, Shirley
Bassey.
196
00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:00,360
Now it's just a matter of getting some
food and wine, and waiting.
197
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:01,840
Roll on Thursday.
198
00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:03,280
- Shirley Bassey!
199
00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:04,640
Can I come, Mandy?
200
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,960
- OK, but keep it to yourself.
201
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,640
Don't want any paparazzi or
gate-crashers.
202
00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:11,320
- My lips are sealed.
203
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,440
- And don't make this all about you,
Lol.
204
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:15,800
This is Mandy Carter's night.
205
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:19,720
I'm nervous. Are you?
- Mm.
206
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:23,000
- DOORBELL RINGS
207
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,520
Oh! Someone's at the door.
208
00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:27,920
Someone - who is a someone - has come
to my party.
209
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:30,600
Who are you?
210
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:31,840
- We're Shirley Bassey fans.
211
00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:32,880
Is she here?
212
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:35,240
- No, she's not, and she's not going
turn up if she sees you lot here.
213
00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:36,720
Go on, shoo!
214
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:36,720
THEY GRUMBLE
215
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:37,800
Go on!
216
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,280
- Who was it?
217
00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:46,440
- It were a load of Shirley Bassey
fans.
- Ah...
218
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:47,920
They are such a pain.
219
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,520
- Word must have got out.
220
00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:52,000
You didn't tell anyone about this
party, did you, Lol?
221
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,440
- No.
222
00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:54,800
Of course not.
223
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:30,840
I was really hoping Shirley Bassey
would show up.
224
00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:33,000
- Oh, I didn't need her stealing my
thunder.
225
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:34,560
- She's still very glamorous.
226
00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:36,560
- Oh, stop going on about her!
227
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:38,320
- You really don't think she's going
to come?
228
00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:40,080
- Course she's not coming, Lola.
229
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:41,880
Nobody important's coming.
230
00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:43,520
You know why?
231
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,720
Because I'm a nobody.
232
00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:49,520
And what a fool to believe that just
for one night...
233
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:52,080
..just one fucking night...
234
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,080
..I could be a somebody...!
235
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,320
I'm at my lowest egg.
236
00:10:57,320 --> 00:11:00,400
- Talking about eggs - what are you
going to do with all of this food?
237
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,400
- I'm going to chuck it in the
rubbish, Lola,
238
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,560
Then I'm going to throw myself in the
rubbish.
239
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:09,760
Because no matter how hard I try,
everything turns out rubbish!
240
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:12,880
I don't know why I bother!
241
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:15,760
- Because I can take one of those
quiches with me.
242
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:17,440
They freeze very well.
243
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:18,920
- I did a mad thing, Lola.
244
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,120
I had hope.
245
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:25,800
I hoped that, just once...
246
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,240
..something good would happen to Mandy
Carter.
247
00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:33,000
I hoped that Dame Shirley Bassey OBE
would come to my house,
248
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,240
and tell me how she did it.
249
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:38,080
How she got out of the back streets of
Tiger Prawn Bay
250
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:39,600
and made a success of her life.
251
00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:42,000
- I think her powerful yet soulful
singing voice
252
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,840
had a lot to do with it.
253
00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:45,920
- Yeah, well, it doesn't matter now,
does it?!
254
00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:47,760
Nothing matters now!
255
00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:49,600
The party's over, Lola.
256
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,440
The party's over!
257
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:52,920
Go on.
258
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:55,080
You lot can fuck off, an' all.
259
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,320
Yentob, Lusardi - go on, off you piss.
260
00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:58,880
- Well, I'm not bothered.
261
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:02,240
I'm going for drinks with Vicki
Michelle later anyway.
262
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:05,600
- Suppose I'll have to see what
fucking Bono is up to again.
263
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,120
Hi, Bono.
264
00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:09,800
Don't bother coming over. This place
is dead.
265
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:12,920
Yes, she's here.
266
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:16,920
Yeah, she... Yeah, she's still fit.
267
00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:18,360
- Go on, Lola.
268
00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:20,360
- Well, if you're going to be like
that.
269
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:22,280
I'll see you tomorrow at the salon?
270
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:23,720
- No, Lola.
271
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:25,400
You won't see me again.
272
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:27,520
- Are you sure I can't take one of
these quiches?
273
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,080
- Oh, take it!
274
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:32,480
- Uh, actually, I think I prefer the
cheese and bacon one.
275
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,400
- Oh, just get out!
276
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:39,480
Oh!
277
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:41,000
PLATE SMASHES
278
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:43,240
Oh...
279
00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:52,760
STUTTERING SOBS
280
00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:58,640
Oh...
281
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:03,480
MANDY WHIMPERS
282
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:18,560
MUSIC: This Is My Life by Shirley
Bassey
283
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:26,520
SHE MIMES ALONG:
- # Funny how a lonely day can make a
person say
284
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:30,360
# What good is my life?
285
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:37,240
# Funny how a breaking heart can make
me start to say
286
00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:41,520
# What good is my life?
287
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:48,760
# Funny how I often seem to think I'll
find another dream
288
00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:53,560
# In my life
289
00:13:55,880 --> 00:14:01,320
# Till I look around and see this
great big world is part of me
290
00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:06,320
# And my life
291
00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:12,040
# This is my life
292
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:15,880
# Today, tomorrow, love will come and
find me
293
00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:19,000
# But that's the way that I was born
to be
294
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:21,160
# This is me
295
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,600
# This is me... #
296
00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:25,200
- DOORBELL RINGS
297
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:26,880
Who the fuck is this now?
298
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:32,120
MUSIC: Big Spender by Shirley Bassey
299
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:34,960
Fuck me, it's Bassey.
300
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:37,880
- # The minute you walked in the joint
301
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:40,800
# I could see you were a man of
distinction
302
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:42,880
# A real big spender... #
303
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:47,480
- I'm here for the party. I brought
some food.
304
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:49,960
We get to keep anything not sold after
a month.
305
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:51,720
- I'm vegetarian now!
306
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:56,200
- # Good looking, so refined
307
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:59,440
# Say, wouldn't you like to know
what's going on in my mind?
308
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:02,280
# So let me get right to the point
309
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:06,120
# I don't pop my cork for every man I
see
310
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,960
# Hey, big spender
311
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:13,680
# Spend
312
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:16,920
# A little time with me. #
22001
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