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This programme contains some strong
language
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00:00:04,280 --> 00:00:07,920
- # Oh, Mandy, well, you came and you
gave without taking
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# But I sent you away
4
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:12,480
# Oh, Mandy
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# Well, you kissed me and stopped me
from shaking
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# And I need you today
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Oh, Mandy. #
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- Come on! Let's hear the rentable
value.
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DOORBELL
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Fuck me!
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Who's not watching Homes Under The
Hammer at this hour?
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- Mandy Carter?
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- Who are you?
- I'm from a credit recovery agency.
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- A who?
- I'm a bailiff.
15
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- Right. No, I'm...I'm not Mandy
Carter.
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She left about a week ago.
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I'm...Candy Marter.
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No relation.
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- I see.
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I'm empowered by law to recover
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00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:54,640
goods to the value of £2,648 and 68p.
22
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Did you get our letters?
- Letters. No.
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I haven't had any letters.
24
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- This won't take long.
25
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Excuse me.
26
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Thank you.
27
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- HE SLURPS
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- Oh, fucking hell!
29
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- Ooh! Fuck!
30
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- Mandy Carter!
31
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Don't normally see you in here of your
own volition.
32
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:14,800
To what do I owe the pleasure of your
company?
33
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- I need you to find me a job.
34
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- Well, this is the keenest I've ever
seen you to find employment, Mandy.
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The last time we had a benefits
assessment,
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00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:24,160
you told me you had "wrong Covid".
37
00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:25,560
- They've taken my telly!
38
00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:27,320
Now I'll never know the rentable value
39
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:29,360
of a two-bedroom basement flat in
Bolton.
40
00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:31,400
I need to make some money fast to get
it back.
41
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:33,880
- Let's see. Have you got any
A-levels?
- No.
42
00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:35,800
- Maths GCSE?
43
00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:37,760
English GSCE?
44
00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:39,920
There's not much for people without
any qualifications.
45
00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:42,200
- Oh, come on! There must be
something!
46
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:43,840
I'm not expecting to be Head of EMI!
47
00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:46,280
Just something where I can make a few
quid quick.
48
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:48,720
- Well, there is this.
49
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What are you like with trees?
50
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- Trees?
51
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I'm all right.
52
00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:54,520
- Well, maybe this is for you.
53
00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:56,880
It's only part-time, but we could find
you something else as well,
54
00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:59,640
and at least it'll show that you're
willing to work.
55
00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:02,280
- What is it?
- Yeah, apparently, some kids have
been swinging
56
00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:05,640
on the branches and breaking it. It's
over 800 years old.
57
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:08,840
Um, you'd be trained in the use of
poisoned darts.
58
00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:12,320
The training would be on-the-job,
apparently. You interested?
59
00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:14,040
- You had me at poisoned darts.
60
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:20,440
Are you the tree man? I'm meant to be
meeting some sort of tree cunt.
61
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- Yeah. That's me.
62
00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:23,080
You must be Mandy.
63
00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:24,200
- Pleased to meet you.
64
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:27,440
- Ah. You done this sort of thing
before, Mandy?
65
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- Well, I've seen a tree, if that's
what you mean, on TV and that.
66
00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:32,960
- Right. Well, this is a London plane
-
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Platanus acerifolia.
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Oldest in the world.
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800 years old.
70
00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:40,080
If this tree could talk,
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00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:43,440
it'd be able to tell you about the
Battle of Hastings,
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00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:44,760
the Black Death,
73
00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:46,920
and something else old.
74
00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:49,320
- If it could talk, I probably
wouldn't talk to it about history.
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00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:51,120
I'd just get it straight onto
Britain's Got Talent.
76
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:52,160
- Oh.
77
00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:55,920
Well, unfortunately, with its becoming
boughs,
78
00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:59,760
it's a magnet for children, who swing
on its branches,
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potentially damaging its bark.
80
00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:06,200
Your job, Mandy, is to...
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..deter them!
82
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Here's what you need.
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This.
84
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And this.
85
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And this leaflet. Er...
86
00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:20,800
"Firing Poison Darts For Pleasure And
Profit."
87
00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:22,160
- So, what...what do I do?
88
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- Well, you just sit here,
89
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and when a child jumps on the tree,
90
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you shout at it to GET DOWN!
91
00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:33,480
And if it doesn't budge, you just
shoot it in the neck with a dart.
92
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:34,760
- Will it kill them?
93
00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:36,200
- Unfortunately not.
94
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:37,360
- Are you sure I'm allowed?
95
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- Oh, yeah, yeah. It's so old,
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00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:43,520
the council have authorised the use of
poison darts.
97
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:45,040
Well, I'll leave you to it.
98
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:47,560
I hope you get a few of the bastards.
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You knock off at 5:30.
- Right.
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Get off the tree!
101
00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:07,920
GET OFF THE TREE!
102
00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:09,280
- Piss off, grandma!
103
00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:10,880
- Oh, you little shit!
104
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- Ow!
105
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- THUD!
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Mm.
107
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Get off the tree!
108
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ARROW SWOOSHES
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ARROW SWOOSHES
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DOUBLE SWOOSHES
111
00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:31,720
VOLLEY OF SWOOSHES
112
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Get off the tree!
113
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Get off the tree!
114
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Get off!
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HE HOCKS
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Ewww!
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- Agh!
- Dirty devil!
118
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BELL DINGS
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ARROW SWOOSHES
120
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,960
ARROWS PING
121
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- I mean, what on earth were you
thinking?
122
00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:35,400
23 people are in hospital thanks to
your blowpipe antics.
123
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:37,440
- I got carried away. I got a taste
for it.
124
00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:40,960
- You're making it really hard for me
to find work for you here, Mandy.
125
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,160
This is the sort of thing that would
make the local paper,
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if there were local papers any more.
127
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:46,720
- Is there anything else? I don't have
a penny.
128
00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:49,080
- Nothing. There's nothing, Mandy.
129
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:50,680
You're on your own now.
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- So, this is it.
131
00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:57,400
Can't even get a job shooting kids out
of trees.
132
00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,680
This is what rock-bottom feels like.
133
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:02,760
I need a drink.
134
00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:04,120
- Well, it's a simple hit.
135
00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:07,480
It's just...can't do it myself cos
everyone knows me round here.
136
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:08,960
- Hm.
137
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,920
We need to find someone local,
138
00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:13,760
someone who wants to make some easy
money.
139
00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:15,640
- I enjoyed that job.
- Yeah. Yeah.
140
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- I was accurate.
141
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:19,280
Only needed one chance, and they were
down.
142
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It was good money, too.
143
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:23,640
Oh, give us another one, Paul. Put it
on the slate.
144
00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:25,040
- I can't do that, Mandy.
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00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:27,920
We haven't had a slate since 1976.
146
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:29,440
- Paul, please!
147
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I'm at my lowest egg!
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- Did you just say egg?
149
00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:35,200
- Yeah.
- It's ebb.
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- Ebb? What kind of word is ebb?
151
00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:39,480
- All right, love!
152
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:42,760
Do you want to come over here and join
us? Eh? Take a seat.
153
00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:44,280
We'll buy you a drink.
154
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:48,120
Plus, we, er...
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00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:50,160
..we want to discuss something with
you.
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- All right. Nothing dirty, mind.
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00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:54,400
- Strictly business.
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- Paul!
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00:06:57,160 --> 00:07:00,200
- So, you're a crack shot, are you?
160
00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:02,160
- Yeah. Great shot. Cold as ice.
161
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,440
- Right. I'll cut to the chase.
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00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:06,320
We're looking for someone like you -
163
00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:07,440
a good shot.
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00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:08,880
And there's big money in it, too.
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You could, if you'll pardon the
expression, make a killing!
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- I don't get it.
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00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:18,800
- Oh!
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00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:20,040
Cool customer, eh?
169
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:25,000
- Oh!
- Cheers, Paul!
- Nice one, mate.
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00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:26,680
- Thanks, Paul.
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00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:27,840
- How much?
172
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:30,120
- How much what?
- For the job. How much?
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00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,680
- Oh! It was £12 an hour, but it was
only part-time.
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00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:34,000
- No. For this job.
175
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,160
How much do you want?
- Oh.
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00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:36,680
Right. Um...
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Five grand.
- Oh. Is that all?
178
00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:40,880
- Oh, I mean 15!
- No.
179
00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:43,800
Five grand. It's a deal.
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00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:45,040
- Right. All right.
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00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:46,360
What do I have to do?
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00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:48,800
- This is him.
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00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:50,320
- That's a very professional photo.
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00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:52,360
- Yeah. He did some acting once.
185
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:55,800
- He'll be at 15 Rillington Place next
Tuesday.
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00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,480
9pm.
187
00:07:57,480 --> 00:07:59,840
- I'd be killing a man? Is that right?
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00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:01,160
How much was it again?
189
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:03,080
- Five grand cash.
190
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:04,640
- Right. I could do with the money.
191
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:09,240
- Look, if it makes you feel any
better, he's a very bad man.
192
00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:14,040
- In fact, he's a very, very bad man.
193
00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:16,520
- Yeah. Well, that does makes me feel
better, actually.
194
00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:17,800
Can I have the money now?
195
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,640
- Right. Look.
196
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:21,840
Take that now for expenses.
197
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:23,240
When you've finished your job,
198
00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:24,640
you get the rest.
199
00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,080
- Fair enough.
200
00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:30,440
Better get on with it!
201
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:35,560
Photo.
202
00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:39,760
- Well, I mean, he is a bad man, isn't
he?
203
00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,080
- He's a very bad man.
204
00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:42,240
Just not as bad as us!
205
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:49,280
- Mm, is this a bit fun for a hit man?
206
00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:51,800
- OK, well, we could lose the bubble
writing.
207
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:53,320
- Hmm. I don't know.
208
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:55,920
I feel like if I'm going to leave this
at the scene of my hits,
209
00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:58,920
it needs to be a bit more like, "Oh,
it's them!"
210
00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:00,360
You know, a bit more professional.
211
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:02,640
- I definitely think adding a name
would make it more personal.
212
00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:06,120
- Yeah. It's just, as a hit man, I'd
just rather not reveal my identity.
213
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:07,680
- Yeah, I can see that.
214
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:10,160
Um, have you thought about using a
pseudonym?
215
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:11,720
- I've always liked the name Graham.
216
00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:12,840
- Graham.
217
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:14,040
- And what about a surname?
218
00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:15,520
WHISPERS: Graham...
219
00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:17,680
Horton?
220
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:21,000
- Does that sound a bit too much like
Graham Norton?
221
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,560
- People like Graham Norton.
222
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,360
- Yeah, but would you trust him to
kill someone for you?
223
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:26,400
- Oh, that's a point.
224
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,600
I reckon he'd make a right pig's ear
of it!
225
00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:31,120
- OK.
226
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,040
There you go. How does that look?
227
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,160
- Oh, that's lovely!
228
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:35,240
Yeah. How much is it?
229
00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:36,680
- Well, how many do you need?
230
00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:38,480
- Oh, not many - 15, 20.
231
00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:40,560
OK.
- Well, we've got a special offer, at
the moment,
232
00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:42,480
it works out cheaper if you buy 7,000.
233
00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:44,240
- Oh, I'll do. Yeah. Thanks.
234
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:57,640
Excuse me. You haven't had any guns
come in, have you?
235
00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,720
- Guns? No.
236
00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:02,600
Oh, well, hold on! I'll ask Linda.
237
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:05,480
Linda? Linda?
238
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:06,840
- Yeah?
239
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,560
- We haven't had any guns come in,
have we?
240
00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:11,600
- Guns?
- Yeah.
241
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,000
- No, love.
242
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,520
What's she after?
243
00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:16,200
Colt 45?
244
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,920
AK-47?
245
00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:19,560
Uzi?
246
00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:21,880
- What kind of gun you after, love?
247
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:23,600
- Any of those will do.
248
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:26,840
- Linda, she says any of those will
do.
249
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,720
- Well, take her number, Maur,
250
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,080
and if any come in, we can give her a
ring.
251
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:33,160
- What's your number, love?
252
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:35,240
- Actually, how much is that big sword
there?
253
00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:36,840
- Hang on a sec.
254
00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:38,720
I'll ask Linda.
255
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:39,960
Linda?
256
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:41,480
- What now?!
257
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:44,640
- How much is that big sword on the
model?
258
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,760
- Call it £4.
259
00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:48,000
- It's £4...
- Yes, I heard.
260
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,640
Yes, I'll take that, thanks.
261
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:14,600
Oh, fuck!
262
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:16,120
- Hello!
- Oh, hiya!
263
00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:19,560
- Are you OK?
- Yeah, I just got my sword stuck in
this tree.
264
00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:20,600
- Oh, dear!
265
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,480
I wonder if I could...
266
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:24,920
- BARK CREAKS
267
00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:26,680
- There we go!
268
00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:28,560
- Oh, thanks.
- OK.
269
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,480
It's a lovely sword. Where did you
find it?
270
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:32,600
- You'll never guess. Sue Ryder - the
charity shop!
271
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:35,240
- No!
- Yeah!
- That's fantastic.
272
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:38,720
I've always loved swords, ever since I
was a little boy,
273
00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:41,440
but my mum could never afford to buy
me one.
274
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:43,960
- Oh. Well, would you like to take
this one?
275
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:47,520
- Oh, no, I couldn't possibly take
your lovely sword.
276
00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:49,440
- Oh, no. Go on. It's yours.
277
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:52,400
- Oh, that's very kind.
278
00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:55,840
I can put it with my others.
279
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:56,960
- Others?
280
00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:03,040
- I'll just put this here.
281
00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:06,240
- You're not married, are you?
282
00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:08,720
- No. How did you know?
283
00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:11,360
- Your decor could do with a woman's
touch.
284
00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:15,120
- Honestly, I can't thank you enough
for this new sword.
285
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:16,480
- Oh, you don't have to thank me.
286
00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:18,680
- Well, there must be something I can
do for you.
287
00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:22,120
- Actually, I couldn't take a photo of
you pretending to be dead, could I?
288
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:27,760
- What?
- I know it sounds mad, but I was
hired to kill you
289
00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:30,280
and I won't get the money if I haven't
completed the job.
290
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:31,360
- Um...
291
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,080
Yeah. All right. I'll do it.
- Oh, great.
292
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,840
- As long as you tell me who hired
you.
293
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,360
- All right. It's a deal.
294
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:42,200
- Is it done?
295
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:43,240
- All done.
296
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:44,800
- How do we know?
297
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:05,240
- Ta.
298
00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:14,880
- Yeah. I found your card.
299
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:17,160
I've got a job for you.
300
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:19,240
Well...
301
00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:20,800
..two jobs, actually.
302
00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:24,440
- I couldn't bring myself to do it,
Lola,
303
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:27,240
but he let me pretend I'd killed him,
so I still got the money.
304
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,840
- That is very understanding of him.
305
00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:30,400
- Yeah.
- And what are you going to do
306
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:32,160
with all the business cards you had
printed up?
307
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:34,320
- Oh, don't worry. I found a good home
for them.
308
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:35,840
Someone bought them off me on Etsy,
309
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:38,080
so made a bit of extra cash there,
too.
310
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:39,320
- Ah.
311
00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:41,000
- JAMES BOND—ESQUE MUSIC
312
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,960
# Bang, bang, I shot you down
313
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,840
# Bang, bang, you hit the ground
314
00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:01,720
# Bang, bang, that awful sound
315
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:06,840
# Bang, bang I used to shoot you down
316
00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:17,160
# Music played and people sang
317
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:20,760
# Just for me, the church bells rang
318
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:21,840
# Hey! #
22163
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