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1
00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:12,920
Hello son.
Oh it is you, I thought it was the landlord
2
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My son.
The magician.
3
00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:21,680
You are not are gone pull a horse
out of your hat are you .
4
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:32,120
I you come round to stir it up,
you can go.
5
00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:33,120
It must be hard on your one
washing your on socks.
6
00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:37,540
I am handy on underware.
7
00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:40,400
You always were.
8
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:43,800
I tell you what son,
you can come home to me.
9
00:01:44,900 --> 00:01:46,000
You do not need to be proud.
10
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:48,600
I am not proud.
11
00:01:48,700 --> 00:01:50,400
I am not stupid neither.
I know when I am well off ?
12
00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:54,600
Does my mam want me back ?
13
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:59,800
Who ? My mam,
your wife, remember.
14
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:04,720
Yeah, well, she's walked out on you at last, didn't she?
15
00:02:05,060 --> 00:02:06,000
Walked out on me?
16
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,020
Who'd walk out on me?
17
00:02:08,220 --> 00:02:08,620
Everybody.
18
00:02:09,300 --> 00:02:10,720
I did, and I bet she has.
19
00:02:11,039 --> 00:02:12,900
The blooming fleas will be off next.
20
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:17,980
Well, to be honest, son, your mother and me have party company.
21
00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:21,900
But on the best of terms, mind, it's this onus note she left.
22
00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:26,380
Good riddance, you drunken ratbag.
23
00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:28,780
Well, it was her fault.
24
00:02:28,780 --> 00:02:31,220
She denied me my conjugals.
25
00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:31,960
What's that?
26
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,200
She spent the money on me empties.
27
00:02:34,660 --> 00:02:37,080
Anyway, she's gone so you can come back home now.
28
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:39,440
I know you heard, drove you away with your son.
29
00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:41,960
You just want me back so I can wash your underwear.
30
00:02:42,340 --> 00:02:43,620
Won't have to do that, son.
31
00:02:44,020 --> 00:02:45,320
Mine's on for the winter now.
32
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:48,580
You and me are a team.
33
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:50,960
David and...
34
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:51,160
Dennis.
35
00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:52,180
Yeah, Dennis.
36
00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:53,440
A team.
37
00:02:53,940 --> 00:02:57,720
Me with my vision and you with your spitfire.
38
00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:58,760
Fuck a wolf.
39
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:02,820
Swear at me if you like, son, but I'll still have you back.
40
00:03:03,220 --> 00:03:07,360
Look, it took me 16 years to get out and I don't want to come back.
41
00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:09,940
A lot's happened since I locked you in the toilet.
42
00:03:10,540 --> 00:03:11,220
Oh, no.
43
00:03:11,780 --> 00:03:12,560
Seat's fallen off.
44
00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:14,600
It's dangerous.
45
00:03:15,100 --> 00:03:16,900
Still, you could fix it, my son.
46
00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:18,680
Yeah, I'm a man now, Dad.
47
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:20,880
I've got me own lavs to fix.
48
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:22,200
Come on, son.
49
00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:24,300
Share your dad's old age.
50
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:26,080
Watch me grow grey.
51
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,380
Yeah, make a change from watching you grow green.
52
00:03:29,420 --> 00:03:32,700
My only son turning against a lonely old man.
53
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:33,500
Don't sit there.
54
00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:34,660
You'll smash me jumbo.
55
00:03:34,900 --> 00:03:36,100
Oh, jumbo gums.
56
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:36,960
Oh, shut up.
57
00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:38,720
Oh, get up!
58
00:03:39,500 --> 00:03:41,400
Oh, look, it's all smashed.
59
00:03:41,540 --> 00:03:42,380
I've gone all dizzy.
60
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:43,020
Get out.
61
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:44,280
Come on, this is my flat.
62
00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:44,800
Get out.
63
00:03:44,900 --> 00:03:45,640
Don't tell me.
64
00:03:45,860 --> 00:03:45,860
What?
65
00:03:46,220 --> 00:03:46,900
Oh, all right.
66
00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:47,560
I'm going.
67
00:03:48,580 --> 00:03:49,140
You'll see.
68
00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:51,040
I will stand on my own two feet.
69
00:03:51,380 --> 00:03:52,200
I'll get a job.
70
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:52,960
I'll show you.
71
00:03:53,340 --> 00:03:55,020
I know where I'm going now.
72
00:04:06,260 --> 00:04:09,800
Mamma mia, nice to see you, señorita, señor.
73
00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:11,640
Welcome to the cafe, Luigi.
74
00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:13,680
Excuse me, Chip.
75
00:04:15,980 --> 00:04:18,000
Do you have to use your thank you, Chip?
76
00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:20,079
Well, Luigi's blowing his nose on me towel.
77
00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:21,579
Right, then.
78
00:04:22,060 --> 00:04:23,060
What are you on the broad one?
79
00:04:23,580 --> 00:04:23,760
Broad?
80
00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:25,280
This is my wife.
81
00:04:25,780 --> 00:04:27,460
Broad's Italian for wife, innit?
82
00:04:27,460 --> 00:04:28,660
Come on, mate.
83
00:04:28,820 --> 00:04:29,640
We ain't got all night.
84
00:04:30,420 --> 00:04:32,200
Luigi's got a mafia meeting at ten.
85
00:04:33,420 --> 00:04:33,520
Mafia?
86
00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:36,440
Look, it's merely the ravings of a deranged waver.
87
00:04:37,180 --> 00:04:38,960
Two curries and quick.
88
00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:43,580
I ran a port due to the caterers' federation and they fight dirtier than the
89
00:04:43,580 --> 00:04:43,900
mafia.
90
00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:44,860
All right, all right.
91
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,480
I still feel rotten about it.
92
00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:48,020
We'll be in a minute, Pete.
93
00:04:48,740 --> 00:04:49,380
Orchid customers.
94
00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:50,340
Hey, watch it.
95
00:04:53,020 --> 00:04:53,480
Nah.
96
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,080
He did the right thing, then.
97
00:04:55,580 --> 00:04:57,300
He's old enough to look after himself, has he?
98
00:04:57,480 --> 00:04:58,940
Yeah, but he's not sobering.
99
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:01,780
Oh, I wish I could do something to help him.
100
00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:05,760
I mean, if he did get a job, maybe my mum would go back to him.
101
00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:06,220
Why?
102
00:05:06,500 --> 00:05:07,200
Is she that stupid?
103
00:05:07,540 --> 00:05:09,380
Oh, no, just a bit punch -drunk.
104
00:05:09,540 --> 00:05:12,220
All right, you two, better make it a big order, Savvy.
105
00:05:12,620 --> 00:05:14,180
Yeah, or your fill is full of potatoes.
106
00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:15,240
Two coppies.
107
00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:19,140
To express, our cofferenos are coming up.
108
00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:19,780
What about?
109
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:21,380
Hey, what about us?
110
00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:22,580
We haven't all day, you know.
111
00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:23,500
All right, all right.
112
00:05:23,540 --> 00:05:24,840
I've only got two pairs of eggs.
113
00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:26,460
You know?
114
00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:29,360
I could do with a gun of Italian round dent,
115
00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:31,280
might get a bit of money out of people.
116
00:05:31,780 --> 00:05:32,420
You look at this.
117
00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:35,600
Hundreds of people buy things they can't afford.
118
00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:37,860
But that's what you said your job was.
119
00:05:38,700 --> 00:05:43,180
Persuading people to buy things they don't want at prices they can't afford.
120
00:05:43,500 --> 00:05:43,700
Yeah.
121
00:05:44,220 --> 00:05:46,220
Well, my customers seem to have solved all that.
122
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:47,380
I just don't pay.
123
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:49,020
If you know what I need,
124
00:05:49,260 --> 00:05:51,680
it's a bloke to go round and put the fear of God into him.
125
00:05:52,140 --> 00:05:53,280
Like a big vicar.
126
00:05:55,020 --> 00:05:56,660
Yeah, something like that.
127
00:05:56,780 --> 00:05:57,560
Well, hang about.
128
00:05:57,840 --> 00:05:58,280
I know something.
129
00:05:58,500 --> 00:05:59,680
who could beat any vicar all out.
130
00:05:59,900 --> 00:06:00,940
Yeah, what you trying to say, Den?
131
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:03,360
And my dad, he's big, he'd scare your customers.
132
00:06:03,620 --> 00:06:05,000
Look, I want them frightened a bit, Den.
133
00:06:05,340 --> 00:06:06,400
Not clubbed to death with empties.
134
00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:08,400
Oh, no, no, we could sober him up.
135
00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:09,540
Yeah, nose him down.
136
00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:11,460
Well, was it you ordered again?
137
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:14,160
I suppose I could give him a few easy ones at first.
138
00:06:14,220 --> 00:06:15,940
Yeah, look, your mum's in this, Frankie.
139
00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:16,760
Mrs.
140
00:06:17,020 --> 00:06:22,480
Abbott, £4 .50p, Willy the woolly ostrich.
141
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:25,920
That's a present for me granddad, won't it?
142
00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:28,040
No need to be ashamed of it, Frankie.
143
00:06:28,660 --> 00:06:29,260
Everyone's in here.
144
00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:30,200
They are.
145
00:06:30,740 --> 00:06:31,160
Yeah?
146
00:06:31,500 --> 00:06:32,580
Yeah, McDougal's.
147
00:06:33,580 --> 00:06:34,920
Here, on McDougal's, see?
148
00:06:35,540 --> 00:06:39,320
One sunburst clock, one set of rainbow Venetian blinds,
149
00:06:39,380 --> 00:06:40,680
one illuminated phantom, see?
150
00:06:40,740 --> 00:06:42,740
Yeah, that's not espresso coffee.
151
00:06:43,260 --> 00:06:46,340
Nah, it's curry, innit, for the McDougal's.
152
00:06:46,780 --> 00:06:52,180
One very hot to curry all of, and a hand cover to coming up.
153
00:06:53,380 --> 00:06:55,680
No, no, it's foul.
154
00:06:56,660 --> 00:06:57,280
I'm sorry.
155
00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:02,400
This looks terrible, but can't eat it.
156
00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:03,500
We certainly can.
157
00:07:04,740 --> 00:07:08,040
All on sign is, if you don't eat it, Mr.
158
00:07:08,340 --> 00:07:11,500
McDougal, the mafia's going to come round your house, see?
159
00:07:11,820 --> 00:07:14,180
They're going to burst through your rainbow Venetian blinds,
160
00:07:14,860 --> 00:07:18,860
grab your sunburst clock, and smash it into your illuminated fountain.
161
00:07:20,620 --> 00:07:21,600
And you?
162
00:07:23,540 --> 00:07:25,140
It's a nice, yes?
163
00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:26,140
It's a good.
164
00:07:31,500 --> 00:07:32,180
Daphne!
165
00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:34,880
Daphne!
166
00:07:35,820 --> 00:07:36,560
Oh, dear.
167
00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:38,260
What do I do now?
168
00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:40,200
Daphne!
169
00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:42,000
Oh, my, she's gone.
170
00:07:43,220 --> 00:07:43,900
Oh, no.
171
00:07:44,460 --> 00:07:47,200
I'm beginning to see little cowboys in the cornflakes.
172
00:07:48,180 --> 00:07:49,660
Oh, no, not that.
173
00:07:51,460 --> 00:07:53,460
Oh, good God, it's real.
174
00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:56,100
They've all gone mad out there.
175
00:07:57,320 --> 00:07:57,980
Oh, sorry.
176
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:00,220
I'm gonna be a teddy man.
177
00:08:00,740 --> 00:08:01,180
Let's see.
178
00:08:01,580 --> 00:08:02,840
Now, I've got my shoes to clean.
179
00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:06,380
Hey, don't polish your shoes with your vest.
180
00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:07,640
Oh, give me my shirt, then.
181
00:08:08,900 --> 00:08:09,940
Are you sure you're sober?
182
00:08:10,660 --> 00:08:11,760
Course I'm sober.
183
00:08:12,420 --> 00:08:14,200
Here, you haven't seen me on the spoons.
184
00:08:14,940 --> 00:08:17,600
What do you want if you don't want money?
185
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:21,320
What do you want if you don't want love, baby?
186
00:08:22,100 --> 00:08:23,120
That was rotten.
187
00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:24,040
Yeah, that's right.
188
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:25,580
He can only play him when he's drunk.
189
00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:29,020
Why's your dad wearing a hair net?
190
00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:30,460
Oh, yeah.
191
00:08:30,620 --> 00:08:31,060
What else?
192
00:08:31,900 --> 00:08:32,960
Get off, you.
193
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:34,919
I'm a changed man.
194
00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:37,059
Well, there's no need to change into a woman.
195
00:08:38,220 --> 00:08:40,460
This is to keep my hair in place for tallying.
196
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:41,440
Go and make yourself useful.
197
00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:42,240
Go and get my jacket.
198
00:08:42,940 --> 00:08:44,240
Here, I'll wash my hands, too.
199
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:44,500
Look.
200
00:08:45,260 --> 00:08:46,140
Not that side.
201
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:47,920
Here, clean the boots.
202
00:08:48,940 --> 00:08:50,880
Did Dennis tell you what he had to do, Mr.
203
00:08:51,060 --> 00:08:51,320
Dunstable?
204
00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:54,640
Yes, something about acting like a big vicar.
205
00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:55,580
Yeah, voila.
206
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,020
In between nims, perhaps you could pick up some money, eh?
207
00:08:58,640 --> 00:08:59,440
No, it's quite easy.
208
00:08:59,860 --> 00:09:01,180
All the names are on this list, see?
209
00:09:01,700 --> 00:09:03,680
Now, if it's a bloke, answer the door.
210
00:09:04,100 --> 00:09:06,420
You look tough, and you turned a cop up.
211
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:08,080
Oh, fancy light.
212
00:09:09,020 --> 00:09:12,340
Now, if a bird answers the door, you turn on the charm a bit.
213
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:13,180
Eh?
214
00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:13,740
Do what?
215
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:14,860
Just watch.
216
00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:20,100
My, my, my, Miss Abbott, seeing you has brightened up my whole day, eh?
217
00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:21,860
That's a lovely pair of boots.
218
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:22,500
You're polishing?
219
00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:23,980
Get off, see?
220
00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:27,120
When was the last time you wore this suit?
221
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,780
I wore that suit on my wedding night.
222
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:31,380
Well, what's this for, then?
223
00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:33,140
It was to keep you quiet.
224
00:09:34,620 --> 00:09:36,460
Here, how do I look, son?
225
00:09:37,060 --> 00:09:40,280
Well, if you wear that, like Ina Sharples.
226
00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:42,340
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
227
00:09:45,660 --> 00:09:46,180
Oh.
228
00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:49,240
Oh.
229
00:09:49,940 --> 00:09:50,100
Oh.
230
00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:50,120
Oh.
231
00:09:51,060 --> 00:09:52,980
Oh, you have to let yourself in.
232
00:09:52,980 --> 00:09:54,640
I've just come out of a coma.
233
00:09:56,940 --> 00:09:58,940
Oh, my poor bad legs.
234
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:00,900
Oh.
235
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,880
Have you come to feel my bumps, then?
236
00:10:05,380 --> 00:10:08,180
You know, it's better to have me head red, too.
237
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,080
Oh, he's gone half past now.
238
00:10:10,380 --> 00:10:10,860
Oh, OK.
239
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:14,300
Oh, well, he must have given me a quick feel while I was in my coma.
240
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,060
Who are you, then?
241
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:18,780
Oh, come here to.
242
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:20,500
Oh, no.
243
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:23,900
Good afternoon, Miss Abbott.
244
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:26,980
The sight of you has brightened my day.
245
00:10:27,420 --> 00:10:28,160
Get away.
246
00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:33,760
I've come for the money for Willie the Woolly ostrich.
247
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:34,980
Oh, I'll pay for you.
248
00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:37,140
Well, I don't know that I'm going to pay you that.
249
00:10:37,780 --> 00:10:41,220
My little soldier tried to fly him, you know, from the bedroom window.
250
00:10:41,460 --> 00:10:43,780
And he burst on next door's railings.
251
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:44,300
Oh.
252
00:10:44,780 --> 00:10:47,880
I mean, you wouldn't credit what they're using for stuffing nowadays.
253
00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:49,680
Miss Abbott.
254
00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:51,920
No, I shouldn't pay you anyway.
255
00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:55,180
If I get up off here, I should probably go into one of my hallucinations.
256
00:10:56,000 --> 00:11:00,400
Oh, you get those, I'll get them all the time, at least I used to,
257
00:11:00,540 --> 00:11:01,760
I've not had one today.
258
00:11:02,740 --> 00:11:04,980
Do you get the legs as well?
259
00:11:05,660 --> 00:11:09,040
Yeah, they keep collapsing under me when I'm least expecting it.
260
00:11:09,340 --> 00:11:11,240
I could really belt them sometimes.
261
00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:12,080
Could you?
262
00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:13,780
Oh, let's have a look then.
263
00:11:14,780 --> 00:11:18,900
Come on, there's one fellow suffering to another, give us a quick peek.
264
00:11:20,740 --> 00:11:21,500
Just a quick one.
265
00:11:22,420 --> 00:11:25,840
Oh, my God, they're all blowing streaky.
266
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:28,740
Mine was like that, you know,
267
00:11:29,060 --> 00:11:33,080
before they went through the mottled purple to what they are now.
268
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:35,600
Oh, mummified and throbbing.
269
00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:40,600
I may appear unsullied, dear, but I'm Mrs, actually.
270
00:11:41,860 --> 00:11:42,500
Mrs...
271
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:47,240
My hubby left me, you know.
272
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:48,560
So did mine.
273
00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:52,460
Is that why you can't afford the ostrich?
274
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,340
Oh, my dear man, ostrich.
275
00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:56,600
which is a no problem to a woman in my position.
276
00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:59,560
Oh, you got money, eh?
277
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:01,980
Well, you know, I'm not rich, so to speak,
278
00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:04,400
but I shall never need to be menial again.
279
00:12:05,180 --> 00:12:05,820
That's so.
280
00:12:06,700 --> 00:12:08,480
You keep this place looking pretty.
281
00:12:08,780 --> 00:12:12,960
Oh, well, I'll help it like that for my friend, who, you know,
282
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:14,560
keeps me on a pedestal.
283
00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:17,840
And I'll do anything for a man what keeps me on a pedestal.
284
00:12:18,260 --> 00:12:23,400
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
285
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:24,480
What's your throbbers on this?
286
00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:25,960
Careful!
287
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:27,540
Careful, they're on fire.
288
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:28,620
Oh, my God.
289
00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:34,840
Ooh, I say, ha, ha, ha.
290
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,440
Hands of the sage you've got, haven't you?
291
00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:39,200
Ooh!
292
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,100
You could be enough of little Billy Graham.
293
00:12:44,620 --> 00:12:48,920
I'll have a quick read of your bumps, if you like, because I made them so bold.
294
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:51,460
I didn't know you had the touch as well.
295
00:12:51,460 --> 00:12:52,440
Feel free.
296
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,960
Oh, yes, you're so deaf.
297
00:12:58,200 --> 00:12:59,940
What does my cranium say?
298
00:13:02,380 --> 00:13:04,920
It says that you're a person who has suffered.
299
00:13:05,340 --> 00:13:05,780
Suffered?
300
00:13:05,820 --> 00:13:08,340
But if you can meet a fellow sufferer who needs help,
301
00:13:08,860 --> 00:13:10,660
your legs will be straight in a jiffy.
302
00:13:10,700 --> 00:13:10,880
Straight?
303
00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:12,380
Not a throb left in them.
304
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:12,960
Is that fair?
305
00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:14,200
Yes, that's what it says here.
306
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:15,140
It's a curse.
307
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:18,280
Yes, it says you're going to meet a very special person.
308
00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:18,620
Yes.
309
00:13:18,620 --> 00:13:23,000
Someone tall and dark with grey and streaky legs.
310
00:13:24,660 --> 00:13:25,920
Sounds like you.
311
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,100
Yes, he does a bit, doesn't he?
312
00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:32,300
You're supposed to be to be in his place half past seven.
313
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:33,220
Now, where is he?
314
00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:33,960
I don't know.
315
00:13:34,700 --> 00:13:34,960
Here.
316
00:13:35,700 --> 00:13:37,000
Perhaps he's walked out on himself.
317
00:13:37,980 --> 00:13:39,280
Oh, look, don't worry.
318
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:41,440
Just wait till midnight, then go down the nick.
319
00:13:41,700 --> 00:13:42,180
They'll have him.
320
00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:43,580
Look, it's me money I'm worried about.
321
00:13:43,700 --> 00:13:44,680
Not your bleeding dad.
322
00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:46,360
I'm going to try his place again.
323
00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:47,060
I'll see you then.
324
00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:48,360
OK, good luck, Pete.
325
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:52,100
You're not sure, right, sir?
326
00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:53,000
Blooming awful.
327
00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:53,920
I said it.
328
00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:58,540
My dad hasn't been in here tonight, has he, cos Pete can't find him.
329
00:13:59,000 --> 00:13:59,400
That's funny.
330
00:13:59,820 --> 00:14:01,880
When I went home from his team, me mum weren't in either.
331
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,600
I reckon her legs have finally got on top of the harbour.
332
00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:06,580
I'll expect they'll point that somewhere.
333
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,000
Yeah, I expect...
334
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:12,300
Good evening.
335
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:20,420
Sit them down gently, Vera.
336
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:21,760
Oh, that's hard, David.
337
00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:23,680
We don't want them throbbing tonight.
338
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:42,880
Thank you.
339
00:14:44,620 --> 00:14:52,900
That was very nice, Francis.
340
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,480
My compliments to the chef.
341
00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:55,940
It was burnt!
342
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:59,820
Steak and kidney pie is meant to be burnt, my little Garkon.
343
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:01,040
Ha -ha -ha -ha!
344
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:04,120
Told them on senior it was trebon, mercy.
345
00:15:05,060 --> 00:15:06,740
Luigi, they liked it!
346
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:07,760
Pfft!
347
00:15:08,180 --> 00:15:10,480
Makes a change from a muck you dish up any day.
348
00:15:10,900 --> 00:15:11,780
Oh, my baby!
349
00:15:12,180 --> 00:15:15,000
Your son spoke to me like that, I give him a mouthful of Lucy's.
350
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,120
No, no, no, no, that was only my Frankie's little joke.
351
00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:19,040
He likes to tease his mummy, you know.
352
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:21,720
He knows it takes my mind off my body.
353
00:15:23,140 --> 00:15:25,500
You're a dab hand in the kitchen, then, are you?
354
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:26,800
Oh, my dear David,
355
00:15:26,980 --> 00:15:31,120
I'm never so happy as when I'm concocting delicacies for my household.
356
00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:34,600
Oh, yes, the chip pan is hardly off the stove.
357
00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:38,920
I think that's something sort of remarkable, placed as you are on your legs.
358
00:15:39,180 --> 00:15:40,900
Oh, well, you know, it's quite easy, really.
359
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:44,400
When you have someone like my friends to inspire me...
360
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:44,640
Oh, oh!
361
00:15:45,340 --> 00:15:49,300
Oh, look at him, weaving round like a little Georgie vest.
362
00:15:50,020 --> 00:15:50,560
Ha -ha -ha!
363
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,200
Come and stop here, they might see me.
364
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:55,540
I had to stop somewhere, I was running a muck.
365
00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:57,400
What are they talking about?
366
00:15:57,980 --> 00:15:59,340
Chips, bugs and me mum's legs.
367
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:01,040
Oh, they've hit it off, then.
368
00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:02,880
Oh, it's not right, is it?
369
00:16:03,060 --> 00:16:05,140
My dad's never took my mum to a restaurant.
370
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:16,540
Here, do you think my dad's drunk?
371
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:18,980
I think he must be, you know, playing a spoon's good.
372
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,320
HE LAUGHS You did that for me.
373
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:31,020
Of course, you know, my ex could never handle the spoons like that.
374
00:16:31,340 --> 00:16:33,900
Oh, he lacked all the social graces.
375
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:36,940
Well, I'll entertain a lady when I take her out.
376
00:16:36,980 --> 00:16:39,420
No, no, really, though, he was quite brutal.
377
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,860
He never hesitated to bludgeon my weaker spots.
378
00:16:43,660 --> 00:16:44,100
Oh.
379
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,120
I could never bludgeon the fair six.
380
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:50,780
If you'll allow me to tag that word onto one such as you.
381
00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:52,900
Well, of course, I would have walked out.
382
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,680
on him sooner you know dear.
383
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:57,740
had I not been in the last throes of pregnancy.
384
00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:00,180
oh I did suffer.
385
00:17:00,540 --> 00:17:01,200
I really did.
386
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,220
I expect you had it with your little Dennis didn't you?
387
00:17:04,500 --> 00:17:07,579
well my wife my wife had him you know.
388
00:17:08,140 --> 00:17:09,380
I never wanted him.
389
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:11,880
oh really it's quite sweet actually.
390
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,400
he often drops a bag of manure in on me.
391
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:16,859
I'm sure it was accidental.
392
00:17:17,380 --> 00:17:19,460
he doesn't know what he's doing half the time.
393
00:17:19,460 --> 00:17:21,359
quick stop him Frankie.
394
00:17:21,579 --> 00:17:22,800
he's getting all lusty.
395
00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:28,480
right Lord Cheka uh Fraulein.
396
00:17:28,940 --> 00:17:31,000
oh yes well just tell me how much.
397
00:17:31,820 --> 00:17:32,780
50 ,000 a era.
398
00:17:33,340 --> 00:17:33,800
do what?
399
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:35,480
that's 30 bob in english money.
400
00:17:36,300 --> 00:17:37,280
there you are.
401
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:40,000
keep the change little soldier.
402
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:43,160
sure however tight she's in your.
403
00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:45,640
oh I see he's picking up the lingo treats.
404
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:46,960
this way there.
405
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:48,920
gently now.
406
00:17:49,700 --> 00:17:50,140
goodbye.
407
00:17:50,460 --> 00:17:52,340
we don't want to arouse your legs.
408
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,460
They haven't throbbed once all night, have they?
409
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:58,680
Mad bumps never let me down yet, dear.
410
00:18:02,700 --> 00:18:03,340
That's pretty.
411
00:18:04,340 --> 00:18:04,340
Pretty.
412
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:06,180
Ladies like pretty things.
413
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:07,340
Oh, gaudy.
414
00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:09,240
Wasting the money on a lot of foliage.
415
00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:14,200
Looking like a strip.
416
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:16,940
She's here.
417
00:18:17,740 --> 00:18:18,620
She's here.
418
00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:21,240
Ah, la -dee.
419
00:18:22,180 --> 00:18:24,120
Oh, no, she's all alone.
420
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:26,820
La -dee, la -dee.
421
00:18:32,420 --> 00:18:33,380
I'm in.
422
00:18:34,540 --> 00:18:35,800
Oh, what do you want?
423
00:18:35,900 --> 00:18:36,380
My money.
424
00:18:36,660 --> 00:18:38,040
Look, excuse me, I'm busy now.
425
00:18:38,300 --> 00:18:39,460
Anyway, nobody paid up.
426
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:40,280
Oh, yes, they did.
427
00:18:40,460 --> 00:18:41,840
You collected over 20 quid.
428
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:42,200
Ten.
429
00:18:42,540 --> 00:18:43,180
All right, ten.
430
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:45,840
And Dennis tells you you were spending some of it last night.
431
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:46,960
Entertaining clients.
432
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,660
Yeah, what's this, pork pie?
433
00:18:48,940 --> 00:18:49,280
Oh, yes.
434
00:18:49,860 --> 00:18:51,420
What are you doing?
435
00:18:51,660 --> 00:18:52,800
Well, I'm cleaning up.
436
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:54,920
You're never bringing Mrs Abbott round here.
437
00:18:55,060 --> 00:18:55,480
Why not?
438
00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:56,260
I'm no snub.
439
00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:57,880
And this is what he spent my money on.
440
00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,660
Well, it's expensive entertaining, the lady.
441
00:19:00,060 --> 00:19:01,120
This is the food for a start.
442
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:02,200
Crisps?
443
00:19:02,660 --> 00:19:04,240
As they were free, quid's worth it.
444
00:19:04,380 --> 00:19:05,740
Ladies like crisps.
445
00:19:05,940 --> 00:19:06,280
And flowers.
446
00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:07,580
And drink.
447
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:09,600
And bowls of water.
448
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:11,240
I got to wash my feet, haven't I?
449
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:12,420
And not the belly button.
450
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:15,240
Yes, bloody mouse again.
451
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:17,120
There we go.
452
00:19:17,140 --> 00:19:18,400
Oh, you missed.
453
00:19:18,580 --> 00:19:19,480
Well, I've only used a trap.
454
00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:20,720
No, you're all right.
455
00:19:23,180 --> 00:19:25,200
Oh, you see, traps are no good.
456
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:27,580
Look, I implored you to do a job collecting money.
457
00:19:27,620 --> 00:19:28,160
I've done it.
458
00:19:28,180 --> 00:19:28,900
I'll hand it over.
459
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:30,780
Oh, I've never said anything about it.
460
00:19:30,900 --> 00:19:33,100
Now, if you don't mind, I've got a lot of spray in to do.
461
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:34,880
Yeah, that should stop them jumping.
462
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:35,700
All right.
463
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:37,000
All right, I'm going.
464
00:19:37,500 --> 00:19:38,560
But you're not over the last of this.
465
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:39,960
I'm going to get that ten quid out of you.
466
00:19:40,060 --> 00:19:41,160
If it's the last thing I do...
467
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:41,460
Oh, yeah.
468
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:41,900
What?
469
00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:43,060
What about my commission?
470
00:19:43,060 --> 00:19:44,520
Top of the decommission!
471
00:19:46,100 --> 00:19:47,300
That's a cock of wolf.
472
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:47,680
Yeah.
473
00:19:48,420 --> 00:19:49,560
That's a spitfire.
474
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:49,960
Yeah.
475
00:19:50,300 --> 00:19:51,640
And that's our court, eh?
476
00:19:52,020 --> 00:19:52,980
How they make models of the...
477
00:19:53,000 --> 00:20:00,220
everything nowadays even men and women can you see all their parts oh yeah do
478
00:20:00,220 --> 00:20:03,600
you reckon my mum and your dad would get married hey your mum would have two
479
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:09,560
little soldiers then yeah yeah you ain't having me bedroom or me ducks or what
480
00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:13,480
I found in the ostrich I don't flip him onesie yeah you were right about your
481
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:16,480
dad Danny you're spending that money yeah of course he is give me ten bob
482
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:20,760
chipped in me that's not a past ten to go it's all going on his mum you know oh
483
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:24,480
he is taking her out again then taking her out he's having a party for her
484
00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:28,740
isn't he Chris Flair's bowls of water of a lot bowls of water he's washing his
485
00:20:28,740 --> 00:20:33,560
feet Corey must really fancy your mum yeah I know what we're gonna do that hey
486
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:37,220
that's only one thing you can do let's go around there tonight and break it up
487
00:20:37,220 --> 00:20:41,960
yeah and just see it we'll make each other cross no man's land waiting to make
488
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:54,280
the first move then we'll swoop in and Are you sure you won't partake of
489
00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:55,220
another little nip?
490
00:20:55,340 --> 00:20:57,500
Oh, no, Tardar, it must bleed.
491
00:20:58,720 --> 00:20:59,240
Music?
492
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:01,920
Look, I savage breath.
493
00:21:02,100 --> 00:21:05,160
Vera, do you think your legs will take to accompany me around the floor?
494
00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:05,720
Pardon?
495
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:06,960
Would you care to dance?
496
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:08,760
Oh, the night fantastic.
497
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:11,840
Oh, my lovely.
498
00:21:13,420 --> 00:21:14,940
Look, I'm an eagle.
499
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:15,300
No.
500
00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:16,560
No.
501
00:21:21,020 --> 00:21:22,240
Those are heavy, mister.
502
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:25,300
Oh, mister, what is he doing?
503
00:21:26,580 --> 00:21:26,860
No.
504
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:27,900
I'm sorry.
505
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:30,040
I'm sorry about the lumps in the floor.
506
00:21:30,460 --> 00:21:31,820
It's an old -fashioned house, you know.
507
00:21:32,180 --> 00:21:32,640
That's wonderful.
508
00:21:32,980 --> 00:21:33,560
It's caring to dance.
509
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,480
Oh, but it lacks a woman's touch.
510
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:36,280
Oh, my God.
511
00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:49,800
I'm sorry about the goldfish.
512
00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:51,300
What goldfish?
513
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:52,160
There's nothing there.
514
00:21:52,900 --> 00:21:54,460
Oh, the little sod's escaped again.
515
00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:57,560
Sit down, dry your leg out.
516
00:21:57,900 --> 00:21:59,920
I didn't bargain for that, you know.
517
00:22:00,140 --> 00:22:02,020
Look, I'll say, would you like something to eat?
518
00:22:02,460 --> 00:22:03,700
I think I've got a pork pie somewhere.
519
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:06,920
Oh, that pie smells like...
520
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:07,440
Yeah, all right.
521
00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:08,920
How about a drink, then?
522
00:22:09,220 --> 00:22:10,120
No, Tardar.
523
00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:12,020
I think I'll have a drink.
524
00:22:12,020 --> 00:22:17,500
Vera, you were knowing how you were saying about a woman's touch.
525
00:22:17,620 --> 00:22:17,860
Yes.
526
00:22:18,340 --> 00:22:19,780
Well, I've been thinking.
527
00:22:20,380 --> 00:22:21,980
This place, it lacks...
528
00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:24,740
Well, it lacks a woman's touch,
529
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:28,160
and I thought with the occasional help from someone who understands about grey
530
00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:29,020
and woolly legs...
531
00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:30,380
Douglas!
532
00:22:30,380 --> 00:22:30,880
Daddy!
533
00:22:31,460 --> 00:22:33,320
Oh, I see you're drinking again, Dad.
534
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:35,900
Who are you?
535
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:38,340
Who needs you doing?
536
00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:41,020
Now, look, see, we all know that you're...
537
00:22:41,020 --> 00:22:41,840
Go on.
538
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:44,320
Well, we know that you're adulterating.
539
00:22:44,820 --> 00:22:45,720
Yes, actually.
540
00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:49,660
We just have an acute understanding of each other's bodily functions.
541
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:50,680
That's wrong.
542
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,200
You're drunk again, aren't you?
543
00:22:54,340 --> 00:22:56,240
Here, test him with a spoon.
544
00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:57,320
Argh!
545
00:22:57,520 --> 00:22:57,860
David!
546
00:22:58,300 --> 00:23:00,120
Well, I'm not in the mood for music.
547
00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:02,540
Still, you didn't go all best to your...
548
00:23:02,540 --> 00:23:04,020
Oh, well, hasn't he hit you yet, then?
549
00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:04,580
What?
550
00:23:05,060 --> 00:23:07,500
Here, you're not really brutal, are you, do you?
551
00:23:07,540 --> 00:23:08,020
He is.
552
00:23:08,340 --> 00:23:09,300
Anywhere's in here, next.
553
00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:10,400
Give me that right.
554
00:23:11,180 --> 00:23:12,700
Hey, father, don't take me!
555
00:23:13,300 --> 00:23:14,560
You come behind me, then.
556
00:23:14,620 --> 00:23:16,100
No, no, you won't protect him.
557
00:23:16,220 --> 00:23:16,880
I'll have me here alone.
558
00:23:17,060 --> 00:23:17,860
You're swine.
559
00:23:18,220 --> 00:23:18,580
No way.
560
00:23:18,780 --> 00:23:19,000
Shoo.
561
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:21,160
Oh, oh, a little mistake, my dear.
562
00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:25,300
Come out, my little Francis, my little Assisi.
563
00:23:25,940 --> 00:23:27,700
Now you're seeing him as he really is.
564
00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:30,160
He only wants you here to clear the place up for him.
565
00:23:30,380 --> 00:23:31,800
He doesn't need it.
566
00:23:32,060 --> 00:23:32,940
Yes, he does, then.
567
00:23:33,300 --> 00:23:34,480
The place is a pigsty.
568
00:23:35,180 --> 00:23:36,120
Show me one pig.
569
00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:37,560
I'm looking right at you.
570
00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:42,660
I wonder I didn't see it before, blinded by your silver tongue.
571
00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:44,380
I suppose you're cussing over you.
572
00:23:44,460 --> 00:23:45,400
Me cussing over?
573
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:47,260
That's Italian for pig.
574
00:23:47,940 --> 00:23:48,020
Gosh!
575
00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:52,560
Oh, my legs are caving in all around me.
576
00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:56,020
Frank can get me home quick before the interference starts.
577
00:23:57,980 --> 00:23:59,420
Here they come, the dots.
578
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:02,620
Come and make me some chips, Mummy.
579
00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:02,980
Chips?
580
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:06,680
I'm going on strained baby nosh the rest of my life.
581
00:24:07,740 --> 00:24:09,840
Good riddance, you stupid hydrophobiac.
582
00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:13,180
Spots before your eyes, hope your vertical hole goes.
583
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:16,280
Now that's over, what about Pete's money?
584
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:17,460
Tell him he can have the crisp.
585
00:24:17,620 --> 00:24:18,660
He doesn't want the crisp.
586
00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:21,080
Oh, the flowers, just ten quid.
587
00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:22,800
He can't have it, I haven't got a job.
588
00:24:23,020 --> 00:24:25,280
Well, we'll just have to get you one, won't we?
589
00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:28,000
Oi!
590
00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:38,200
Hi, good lad!
40812
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