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1
00:03:02,266 --> 00:03:04,560
Kinda lonesome
back here.
2
00:03:04,894 --> 00:03:06,270
Yeah, little help.
3
00:03:07,605 --> 00:03:12,026
Okay, um, just,
I have to keep
my hands on the wheel.
4
00:03:13,778 --> 00:03:15,571
Excuse me. Whoo!
5
00:03:16,072 --> 00:03:17,699
Ah, Dopinder.
6
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:19,867
Pool. Dead.
7
00:03:21,285 --> 00:03:22,537
Hmm, nice.
8
00:03:23,621 --> 00:03:24,706
Smells good, no?
9
00:03:24,789 --> 00:03:26,749
Not the Daffodil Daydream.
The girl.
10
00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,793
Ah, yes. Gita.
11
00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:30,294
Hmm.
She is quite lovely.
12
00:03:30,795 --> 00:03:33,131
She would have made me
a very agreeable wife.
13
00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:34,382
But, um...
14
00:03:35,299 --> 00:03:38,636
Site's heart has been stolen
by my cousin Bandhu.
15
00:03:38,970 --> 00:03:42,598
He is as dishonorable
as he is attractive.
16
00:03:43,933 --> 00:03:45,810
Dopinder,
I'm starting to think
17
00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:47,729
there's a reason
I'm in this cab today.
18
00:03:47,812 --> 00:03:49,397
Yeah, sir,
you called for it,
remember?
19
00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:54,152
No, my slender brown friend.
Love is a beautiful thing.
20
00:03:54,485 --> 00:03:55,903
When you find it,
the whole world
21
00:03:55,987 --> 00:03:57,238
tastes like Daffodil Daydream.
22
00:03:58,489 --> 00:04:00,241
So you gotta
hold onto love...
23
00:04:00,616 --> 00:04:01,909
...tight!
Ah.
24
00:04:01,993 --> 00:04:03,327
And never let go.
25
00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:04,912
Don't make
the same mistakes I did.
26
00:04:04,996 --> 00:04:06,164
Got it?
Yeah.
27
00:04:06,289 --> 00:04:09,834
Or else the whole world
tastes like Mama June
after hot yoga.
28
00:04:10,418 --> 00:04:12,712
Sir, what does
Miss Mama June taste like?
29
00:04:12,837 --> 00:04:15,757
Like two hobos fucking
in a shoe filled with piss.
Okay, enough.
30
00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:18,676
I can go all day, Dopinder.
The point is, it's bad!
31
00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:20,511
Hmm, it's bad.
32
00:04:20,845 --> 00:04:23,598
Uh, why the fancy
red suit, Mr. Pool?
33
00:04:23,681 --> 00:04:25,683
Oh, that's because
it's Christmas Day, Dopinder.
34
00:04:25,808 --> 00:04:28,269
And I'm after someone
on my naughty list.
35
00:04:28,352 --> 00:04:29,854
I've been waiting one year,
three weeks...
36
00:04:29,979 --> 00:04:31,856
six days and, oh...
37
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,275
14 minutes to make him fix
what he did to me.
38
00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:38,196
And what did he do
to you, Mr. Pool?
39
00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:39,614
This Shit...
40
00:04:40,865 --> 00:04:41,866
Boo!
41
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:03,888
They won't disappoint.
42
00:05:04,555 --> 00:05:06,307
They'd better not.
43
00:05:06,390 --> 00:05:08,684
And what about
next month's shipment?
44
00:05:08,851 --> 00:05:10,394
There won't be one.
45
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,146
You're not the only one
with a war to win.
46
00:05:13,397 --> 00:05:14,732
That won't do.
47
00:05:17,735 --> 00:05:20,238
See, we've had
this small disruption
48
00:05:20,363 --> 00:05:21,572
to our supply chain...
49
00:05:25,409 --> 00:05:27,662
We'd appreciate your patience.
50
00:05:30,206 --> 00:05:31,415
Okay.
51
00:05:31,707 --> 00:05:34,168
We'll deliver in full
the following month.
52
00:05:37,672 --> 00:05:38,756
Pleasure doing
business with you.
53
00:05:42,677 --> 00:05:44,428
Fucking mutant.
54
00:05:54,438 --> 00:05:55,940
Oh, shit!
55
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:57,441
I forgot my ammo bag.
56
00:05:57,775 --> 00:05:58,860
Shall we turn back?
57
00:05:58,943 --> 00:06:00,027
No, no time.
58
00:06:00,444 --> 00:06:01,946
Fuck it. I got this.
59
00:06:02,071 --> 00:06:05,366
9,10,11,12 bullets,
or bust.
60
00:06:05,449 --> 00:06:06,534
Right here!
61
00:06:08,452 --> 00:06:10,913
That's, uh, $27.50.
62
00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:12,707
LH.lnever
carry a wallet
when I'm working.
63
00:06:12,790 --> 00:06:14,250
Ruins the lines
of my suit.
64
00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:15,710
Oh.
But, uh,
65
00:06:15,793 --> 00:06:17,128
how about
a crisp high five?
66
00:06:17,253 --> 00:06:18,296
Okay.
67
00:06:18,421 --> 00:06:19,630
Merry Christmas.
68
00:06:20,965 --> 00:06:24,051
And a convivial Tuesday
in April to you too, Pool!
69
00:06:24,135 --> 00:06:27,555
Hey, yeah
I wanna shoop, baby
70
00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:30,474
Shoop shooop ba-doop,
shoop ba-doop
71
00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:32,476
Shoop ba-doop,
ba-doop, ba-doop
72
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,478
You're packed
and you're stacked
'specially in the back
73
00:06:34,604 --> 00:06:37,315
Brother, wanna thank your
mother for a butt like that
74
00:06:37,398 --> 00:06:39,734
Can I get some fries
with that shake-shake boobie?
75
00:06:39,817 --> 00:06:41,986
If looks could kill
you would be an uzi
76
00:06:42,111 --> 00:06:43,571
You're a shotgun, bang!
77
00:06:43,654 --> 00:06:44,655
Wha... Oh!
78
00:06:45,406 --> 00:06:48,492
Oh, hello. I know, right?
79
00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:50,578
Whose balls
did I have to fondle
80
00:06:50,661 --> 00:06:52,330
to get my very own movie?
81
00:06:52,455 --> 00:06:53,581
I can't tell you,
82
00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:56,167
but it does rhyme
with "Polverine."
83
00:06:56,292 --> 00:06:57,585
And let me tell you,
84
00:06:57,668 --> 00:07:01,672
he's got a nice pair of
smooth criminals down under.
85
00:07:01,923 --> 00:07:06,010
Anyway, I got places to be,
a face to fix and, oh...
86
00:07:06,135 --> 00:07:08,763
Bad guys to kill.
87
00:07:14,185 --> 00:07:15,478
Maximum effort.
88
00:07:25,363 --> 00:07:26,364
Cock shot.
89
00:07:31,369 --> 00:07:32,370
Ha!
90
00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:36,207
Rich Corinthian leather.
91
00:07:38,167 --> 00:07:40,002
I'm looking for Francis!
92
00:07:40,544 --> 00:07:42,213
Have you seen this man?
93
00:07:42,296 --> 00:07:44,298
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
94
00:07:50,554 --> 00:07:51,722
Ow. Ow!
95
00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:53,224
Yanky, yanky!
96
00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:28,092
I've never said this,
but don't swallow.
97
00:08:49,447 --> 00:08:50,948
Shit.
98
00:08:51,574 --> 00:08:53,576
Did I leave the stove on?
99
00:09:11,052 --> 00:09:12,428
Now, breaking news.
100
00:09:12,803 --> 00:09:14,805
A multi-car collision
turned shots fired
101
00:09:14,889 --> 00:09:16,432
on the crosstown expressway
this morning.
102
00:09:16,766 --> 00:09:18,768
Gridlock has kept
police from the scene.
103
00:09:19,060 --> 00:09:21,562
Residents are advised
to remain in their homes.
104
00:09:21,645 --> 00:09:23,147
The assailant
appears to be armed,
105
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:24,648
dangerous, and wearing...
106
00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:26,150
a red suit.
A red suit.
107
00:09:26,817 --> 00:09:28,069
DeadpooL
108
00:09:28,152 --> 00:09:30,654
Negasonic!
Come, we have mission.
109
00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:34,116
Colossus, wait up.
110
00:09:34,283 --> 00:09:37,495
I've given Deadpool
every chance
to join us...
111
00:09:37,661 --> 00:09:39,830
but he'd rather
act like a child.
112
00:09:39,914 --> 00:09:42,249
A heavily-armed child.
113
00:09:42,333 --> 00:09:46,170
When will he grow up
and see benefits
of becoming X-Man?
114
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:48,130
Which benefits?
The matching unitards?
115
00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:50,174
The house that blows up
every few years?
116
00:09:50,299 --> 00:09:51,342
Please.
117
00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:53,803
House blowing up
builds character.
118
00:09:54,303 --> 00:09:56,097
You ate breakfast, yes?
119
00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:58,432
Breakfast is
most important
meal of day.
120
00:09:59,350 --> 00:10:03,521
Here, protein bar.
Good for bones.
121
00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:06,023
Deadpool may try
to break yours.
122
00:10:14,698 --> 00:10:15,950
Get out of the way!
123
00:10:33,384 --> 00:10:34,885
Hey! Whoo!
124
00:10:46,063 --> 00:10:47,314
Wait!
125
00:10:47,690 --> 00:10:49,733
You may be wondering,
"Why the red suit?"
126
00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:51,735
Well, that's so bad guys
can't see me bleed.
127
00:10:52,903 --> 00:10:54,071
This guy's got the right idea.
128
00:10:54,405 --> 00:10:55,739
He wore the brown pants.
129
00:10:57,741 --> 00:10:59,827
Fine!
I only have 12 bullets...
130
00:10:59,910 --> 00:11:01,579
so you're gonna
have to share!
131
00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:03,414
Let's count them down.
132
00:11:22,766 --> 00:11:23,934
Shit.
133
00:11:26,937 --> 00:11:28,689
Motherfucker!
134
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,108
10! Shit!
135
00:11:31,192 --> 00:11:32,776
Nine. Fuck.
136
00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:34,195
Eight.
137
00:11:34,278 --> 00:11:35,279
Shit-fuck!
138
00:11:39,074 --> 00:11:40,284
Bad Deadpool.
139
00:11:41,744 --> 00:11:43,871
Seven.
Good Dead pool.
140
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:57,801
Oh!
141
00:12:06,227 --> 00:12:08,729
Someone's not counting. Six.
142
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:29,833
Oh!
143
00:12:35,297 --> 00:12:36,507
Four...
144
00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:40,010
Gotcha.
145
00:12:41,637 --> 00:12:42,930
Right up main street.
146
00:12:46,976 --> 00:12:47,935
Three, two!
147
00:12:48,018 --> 00:12:49,937
Stupid! Worth it.
148
00:13:14,003 --> 00:13:15,170
Ah!
149
00:13:16,380 --> 00:13:18,340
I'm touching myself tonight.
150
00:13:19,258 --> 00:13:20,301
Francis!
151
00:13:20,676 --> 00:13:21,885
Francis...
152
00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:26,056
What the shit-biscuit!
153
00:13:26,181 --> 00:13:27,891
Where you at,
Francis?
154
00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:37,901
You're not Francis.
155
00:13:45,909 --> 00:13:48,370
Really?
Rolling up the sleeves?
156
00:13:58,756 --> 00:14:00,090
You're
probably thinking,
157
00:14:00,215 --> 00:14:02,009
"My boyfriend said
this was a superhero movie...
158
00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:03,594
"but that guy in the red suit
just turned
159
00:14:03,719 --> 00:14:05,929
"that other guy
into a fucking kabab!"
160
00:14:06,096 --> 00:14:10,517
Well, I may be super,
but I'm no hero.
161
00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:12,936
And yeah, technically,
this is a murder.
162
00:14:13,062 --> 00:14:15,272
But some of the best love
stories start with a murder.
163
00:14:15,397 --> 00:14:18,359
And that's exactly
what this is, a love story.
164
00:14:18,442 --> 00:14:19,860
And to tell it right...
165
00:14:19,943 --> 00:14:22,112
I gotta take you back
to long before
166
00:14:22,196 --> 00:14:24,740
I squeezed this ass
into red spandex.
167
00:14:25,741 --> 00:14:28,285
Look, would it help
if I slow it down for you?
168
00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:30,788
I didn't order the pizza.
169
00:14:30,871 --> 00:14:34,708
Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive?
Are you Mr. Merchant?
170
00:14:34,792 --> 00:14:37,753
Yeah, the Mr. Merchant who
didn't order the fucking pie!
171
00:14:38,128 --> 00:14:39,296
Then who placed the call?
172
00:14:39,922 --> 00:14:41,215
I did!
173
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:44,927
Pineapple and olive?
174
00:14:45,469 --> 00:14:48,263
Sweet and salty.
175
00:14:48,430 --> 00:14:49,556
The fuck are you?
176
00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:51,558
The fuck you doing
in my crib...
177
00:14:51,642 --> 00:14:52,726
Is it burnt crust?
178
00:14:52,810 --> 00:14:54,645
I... God,
I hope not. Um...
179
00:14:54,770 --> 00:14:56,563
Whoa... Man, look,
if this is about
that poker game.
180
00:14:56,647 --> 00:14:58,899
I told Howie,
I told him that...
181
00:14:58,982 --> 00:15:02,903
Okay, uh, look,
just take whatever you want.
182
00:15:02,986 --> 00:15:04,113
Thanks.
183
00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:06,323
Sir, before you do
anything to him,
184
00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:07,658
do you mind
if I get a big tip?
185
00:15:08,117 --> 00:15:10,911
Uh, Jeremy, is it?
186
00:15:10,994 --> 00:15:12,496
Umm-hmm.
Wade. Wade Wilson.
187
00:15:13,664 --> 00:15:16,583
That is a no go
on the tiperoo, Jer.
188
00:15:16,667 --> 00:15:18,168
I'm not here for him.
189
00:15:18,502 --> 00:15:20,087
I'm here for you.
190
00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:21,588
On.
191
00:15:21,672 --> 00:15:23,507
Okay, wow, dodged
a big-time bullet
onthatone.
192
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,592
Not out of the woods yet.
193
00:15:26,176 --> 00:15:28,512
You need to seriously ease up
on the bedazzling.
194
00:15:28,637 --> 00:15:30,514
They're jeans,
not a chandelier.
195
00:15:30,639 --> 00:15:32,850
P.S. I'm keeping your wallet.
You did kinda give it to me.
196
00:15:32,933 --> 00:15:34,685
Okay, just look, man,
can I have my Sam's card...
197
00:15:34,810 --> 00:15:37,104
I will shoot your fucking cat!
198
00:15:37,855 --> 00:15:40,315
I don't really know
what that means.
I don't have a cat.
199
00:15:40,649 --> 00:15:42,359
Then whose kitty litter
did I just shit in?
200
00:15:46,530 --> 00:15:48,615
Anyhoo, tell me something...
201
00:15:48,699 --> 00:15:52,369
what situation
isn't improved by pizza?
202
00:15:52,536 --> 00:15:54,788
Do you happen to know
a Meghan Orflosky?
203
00:15:54,872 --> 00:15:56,457
Getting that right?
Orflosky?
204
00:15:56,540 --> 00:15:58,876
Orlovsky? Yeah? Good.
205
00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:01,378
Because she knows you.
206
00:16:01,462 --> 00:16:03,630
Jeremy, I belong
to a group of guys
207
00:16:03,714 --> 00:16:05,799
who take a dime
to beat a fella down.
208
00:16:05,883 --> 00:16:07,301
And little Meghan,
she's not made of money,
209
00:16:07,384 --> 00:16:08,635
but lucky for her...
210
00:16:08,719 --> 00:16:10,053
I got a soft spot.
211
00:16:10,804 --> 00:16:12,723
But I'm a...
A stalker.
212
00:16:13,182 --> 00:16:14,641
Threats hurt, Jer.
213
00:16:14,725 --> 00:16:18,228
Though not nearly as badly
as serrated steel.
214
00:16:18,353 --> 00:16:21,398
So keep away
from Meghan.
215
00:16:21,482 --> 00:16:22,483
Cool?
216
00:16:22,566 --> 00:16:23,650
Yes, sir.
217
00:16:23,734 --> 00:16:24,735
Then we're done.
218
00:16:25,152 --> 00:16:27,154
Wait.
We are?
219
00:16:27,237 --> 00:16:28,906
Yeah. We're totally done.
220
00:16:29,573 --> 00:16:31,074
You should've
seen your face.
221
00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:32,409
I didn't know what to do.
I was so scared.
222
00:16:32,701 --> 00:16:33,744
Soft spot, remember?
223
00:16:35,245 --> 00:16:37,331
You even look in her
general direction again...
224
00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:38,916
and you will learn
in the worst of ways
225
00:16:39,041 --> 00:16:41,084
that I have
some hard spots too.
226
00:16:43,086 --> 00:16:44,505
That came out wrong.
227
00:16:45,589 --> 00:16:46,840
Or did it?
228
00:16:59,436 --> 00:17:01,021
Mmm... Meghan?
229
00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:05,609
You've heard the last
of Jeremy. He's sorry.
230
00:17:06,443 --> 00:17:08,278
No friggin' way.
231
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:14,284
Should've brought
my roller blades.
232
00:17:14,368 --> 00:17:15,786
Show these kids
how it's done.
233
00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:19,206
Oh. And that's why we do it.
But mostly the money.
234
00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:21,291
Hey, think you could
fuck up my step-dad?
235
00:17:21,375 --> 00:17:22,876
I give a guy
a pavement facial,
236
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:23,961
it's because he's earned it.
237
00:17:24,628 --> 00:17:25,963
Hey, wait!
238
00:17:27,631 --> 00:17:28,882
You're my hero.
239
00:17:28,966 --> 00:17:31,468
No-no-no-no.
That I ain't!
240
00:17:33,136 --> 00:17:35,556
Nope. Never will be.
241
00:17:35,639 --> 00:17:37,558
Oh. Fuck you, Wade.
242
00:17:37,641 --> 00:17:41,144
I'm just a bad guy who gets
paid to fuck up worse guys.
243
00:17:42,563 --> 00:17:44,398
Welcome to Sister Margaret's.
244
00:17:44,481 --> 00:17:46,608
It's like a job fair
for mercenaries.
245
00:17:47,484 --> 00:17:49,319
Think of us as really
fucked up tooth fairies...
246
00:17:49,403 --> 00:17:51,989
except we knock out the teeth
and take the cash.
247
00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:55,075
You'd best hope we never see
your name on a gold card.
248
00:17:55,158 --> 00:17:56,994
Buck! Liefeld...
249
00:17:57,411 --> 00:17:58,412
Hey, Wade!
250
00:17:58,745 --> 00:17:59,913
Wade Wilson,
patron saint
of the pitiful.
251
00:17:59,997 --> 00:18:01,331
What can I do for you?
252
00:18:01,832 --> 00:18:03,125
I'd love a Blow Job.
253
00:18:03,417 --> 00:18:04,501
Oh, God, me too.
254
00:18:04,668 --> 00:18:06,753
The drink, moose knuckle.
But first...
255
00:18:08,422 --> 00:18:10,340
Hey, and I ain't taking
any babysitting money,
all right?
256
00:18:10,465 --> 00:18:12,092
Make sure
that gets back to Ms...
257
00:18:12,175 --> 00:18:13,176
Orlovsky.
258
00:18:13,302 --> 00:18:14,261
Yeah, her.
259
00:18:14,344 --> 00:18:15,637
You sure?
Hmm.
260
00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:18,265
You know, for a mere,
you're pretty warm-blooded.
261
00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:20,267
Ibetyoulet
the kid off easy, too.
262
00:18:20,350 --> 00:18:22,185
Oh, he's not a bad kid, Weas.
263
00:18:22,311 --> 00:18:23,520
Just a little light stalking.
264
00:18:23,604 --> 00:18:25,188
I was way worse than him
when I was his age.
265
00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:26,940
I was traveling
to exotic places...
266
00:18:27,024 --> 00:18:29,693
Baghdad, Mogadishu,
Jacksonville,
267
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:31,194
meeting new and exciting
people. And then, uh...
268
00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:33,530
Killing them. Yeah,
I've seen your lnstagram.
269
00:18:33,864 --> 00:18:36,199
So what was
Special Forces doing
in Jacksonville, anyway?
270
00:18:36,325 --> 00:18:37,868
That's classified.
271
00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:40,037
They have
a wonderful TGl Fridays.
272
00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:42,456
All right,
Kahlua, Baileys and...
273
00:18:42,623 --> 00:18:43,790
whipped cream.
274
00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:46,001
I give you a Blow Job.
275
00:18:46,501 --> 00:18:47,878
Why do you
make me make that?
276
00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:49,713
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...
277
00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:51,131
Take that over
to Buck please,
278
00:18:51,214 --> 00:18:53,133
and tell him
it's from Boothe.
Little foreplay.
279
00:18:53,216 --> 00:18:55,469
Remind me what good
will come of this?
280
00:18:55,552 --> 00:18:57,554
I don't take the shits.
I just disturb them.
281
00:18:57,679 --> 00:18:58,972
Boothe!
Oh!
282
00:18:59,056 --> 00:19:00,223
Easy, man.
Hold up! Hold up!
283
00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:01,308
What you want?
284
00:19:04,144 --> 00:19:06,396
- Cheers. To your health.
- Fuck you.
285
00:19:06,897 --> 00:19:08,982
Come here,
you fat fuck!
286
00:19:09,066 --> 00:19:10,567
That's a new stool.
287
00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:16,907
Stay the fuck down.
288
00:19:19,576 --> 00:19:21,244
Whoa! Took his ass out!
289
00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:23,080
All right, move.
Move, move, move.
290
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:24,247
Buck, go rest.
291
00:19:25,666 --> 00:19:26,917
Boothe got hit
then went down.
292
00:19:30,712 --> 00:19:33,256
Yeah, he's still breathing.
293
00:19:36,051 --> 00:19:37,511
Nobody wins today.
294
00:19:37,594 --> 00:19:39,262
Nice try, Wade.
295
00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:41,431
You got me.
I picked Boothe
in the dead pool.
296
00:19:41,515 --> 00:19:42,849
Who did you pick?
297
00:19:42,933 --> 00:19:44,935
Yeah, Wade,
about that, um...
298
00:19:45,227 --> 00:19:46,228
No.
299
00:19:46,603 --> 00:19:48,438
You did not bet
on me to die.
300
00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:53,443
You bet on me to die. Wow!
301
00:19:53,527 --> 00:19:54,903
Motherfucker, you're
the world's worst friend.
302
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:57,531
Well, joke's on you.
I'm living to 102.
303
00:19:57,614 --> 00:19:59,700
And then dying.
Like the city of Detroit.
304
00:19:59,783 --> 00:20:02,703
I'm sorry. I just...
I wanted to win money.
305
00:20:02,786 --> 00:20:04,121
I never win anything.
306
00:20:04,204 --> 00:20:05,205
Whatever.
307
00:20:05,288 --> 00:20:06,915
Soldiers of fortune,
drinks on me!
308
00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:11,253
Domestic, nothing imported.
309
00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:15,215
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa...
310
00:20:15,298 --> 00:20:19,219
Baby, are you sure you wanna
shoot your whole wad?
311
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:22,472
Uh... Tight.
312
00:20:24,141 --> 00:20:26,101
Vanessa.
Wade.
313
00:20:26,435 --> 00:20:28,603
What's a nice place like you
doing in a girl like this?
314
00:20:29,980 --> 00:20:31,231
I'd hit that.
315
00:20:32,482 --> 00:20:34,317
Buck, you best
apologize before...
316
00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:36,653
Yeah, that.
317
00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:38,488
Say the magic words,
Fat Gandalf.
318
00:20:38,613 --> 00:20:40,323
I'm sorry.
Breathe through the nose.
319
00:20:40,407 --> 00:20:42,659
I don't have a filter
between my brain and my...
320
00:20:42,743 --> 00:20:44,661
Let go. Okay.
Hey,oh,oh,oh“.
321
00:20:44,745 --> 00:20:45,746
Hakuna his tatas.
He's sorry.
322
00:20:45,829 --> 00:20:47,080
I'm working on it.
323
00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:49,249
Get out of here.
Go. Go cast a spell.
324
00:20:49,833 --> 00:20:52,252
Hey. Hands off
the merchandise.
325
00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:55,088
Merchandise? Huh...
326
00:20:55,338 --> 00:20:57,674
So you, uh...
327
00:20:57,841 --> 00:20:59,176
bump fuzzies for money?
328
00:20:59,301 --> 00:21:01,261
Yep.
Rough childhood?
329
00:21:01,344 --> 00:21:02,345
Rougher than yours.
330
00:21:02,471 --> 00:21:04,014
Daddy left before
I was born.
331
00:21:04,681 --> 00:21:06,183
Daddy left before
I was conceived.
332
00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:08,769
Ever had a cigarette
put out on your skin?
333
00:21:09,144 --> 00:21:10,437
Where else do you
put one out?
334
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:11,772
I was molested.
335
00:21:11,855 --> 00:21:13,523
Me too. Uncle.
336
00:21:13,607 --> 00:21:15,859
Uncles. They took turns.
337
00:21:16,193 --> 00:21:17,527
I watched my own
birthday party
338
00:21:17,611 --> 00:21:18,779
through the keyhole
of a locked closet...
339
00:21:18,862 --> 00:21:20,197
which also happens to be my...
340
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:23,116
Your bedroom. Lucky.
I slept in a dishwasher box.
341
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:25,202
You had a dishwasher.
342
00:21:25,702 --> 00:21:26,703
I didn't even know sleep.
343
00:21:26,828 --> 00:21:28,622
It was pretty much
24/7 ball gags,
344
00:21:28,705 --> 00:21:30,165
brownie mix and clown porn.
345
00:21:34,211 --> 00:21:35,462
Who would do such a thing?
346
00:21:37,130 --> 00:21:40,550
Hopefully you, later tonight?
347
00:21:43,386 --> 00:21:48,350
Hey, what can I get for,
uh, $275 and a...
348
00:21:49,559 --> 00:21:51,228
a Yogurtland rewards card?
349
00:21:51,311 --> 00:21:53,897
Baby, about 48 minutes of
whatever the fuck you want.
350
00:21:55,398 --> 00:21:57,150
And a low-fat dessert.
351
00:22:04,157 --> 00:22:06,243
Did she just put a gift card
in your mouth?
352
00:22:07,744 --> 00:22:09,830
It's time to put
balls in holes.
353
00:22:10,872 --> 00:22:12,415
You said whatever I want.
354
00:22:13,083 --> 00:22:14,084
I get it.
355
00:22:14,501 --> 00:22:16,002
You love skee ball.
356
00:22:16,086 --> 00:22:18,338
Apparently more than
you love vagina.
357
00:22:18,421 --> 00:22:20,674
That's a tough call.
358
00:22:20,757 --> 00:22:23,009
I just wanna get to
know the real you, you know.
359
00:22:23,093 --> 00:22:25,011
Not the short-shorted,
two-dimensional
360
00:22:25,095 --> 00:22:27,013
sex object
peddled by Hollywood.
361
00:22:27,097 --> 00:22:28,098
Balls in holes.
362
00:22:29,266 --> 00:22:30,267
Balls in holes.
363
00:22:30,350 --> 00:22:31,768
Prepare to lose tragically.
364
00:22:31,893 --> 00:22:32,936
Bring it, big man.
365
00:22:33,061 --> 00:22:34,062
Okay.
366
00:22:36,439 --> 00:22:37,607
Uh-oh.
367
00:22:38,191 --> 00:22:39,192
Uh-oh.
368
00:22:40,402 --> 00:22:41,778
The limited edition
369
00:22:41,903 --> 00:22:44,781
Defender of
the Universe ring, por favor.
370
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,742
Okay. Here we go.
371
00:22:48,702 --> 00:22:50,787
Had my eye on
this sucker for a while.
372
00:22:50,871 --> 00:22:52,706
And I will take
the pencil eraser.
373
00:22:52,789 --> 00:22:54,207
Okay.
374
00:22:54,291 --> 00:22:57,043
You are now the protector
of the planet Arus.
375
00:22:57,127 --> 00:22:59,045
And you can erase stuff...
376
00:22:59,129 --> 00:23:00,463
written in pencil.
377
00:23:00,881 --> 00:23:02,215
M'lady?
378
00:23:02,299 --> 00:23:03,550
Well, I hate to
break it to you...
379
00:23:03,633 --> 00:23:05,468
but your 48 minutes
are up.
380
00:23:05,969 --> 00:23:08,805
Hey, how many more minutes
can I get for this?
381
00:23:08,889 --> 00:23:11,308
FYI, five mini lion-bots
come together
382
00:23:11,433 --> 00:23:13,393
to form one super-bot, so...
383
00:23:13,727 --> 00:23:16,730
Five mini lion-bots?
Three minutes.
384
00:23:16,813 --> 00:23:17,856
Deal.
385
00:23:17,939 --> 00:23:20,191
What do we do
with the remaining
two minutes, 37 seconds?
386
00:23:20,984 --> 00:23:21,985
Cuddle?
387
00:23:26,406 --> 00:23:27,908
How long can you
keep this up?
388
00:23:28,116 --> 00:23:29,159
All year?
389
00:23:39,836 --> 00:23:41,671
Happy Valentine's Day.
390
00:23:49,346 --> 00:23:50,931
Happy Chinese New Year.
391
00:23:51,014 --> 00:23:52,349
Year of the Dog.
392
00:23:57,520 --> 00:23:58,688
Relax.
393
00:23:59,314 --> 00:24:01,441
And Happy
International Women's Day.
394
00:24:05,946 --> 00:24:09,032
No. No. No.
395
00:24:11,451 --> 00:24:12,535
Happy Lent.
396
00:24:16,539 --> 00:24:17,707
Ow, ow.
397
00:24:17,832 --> 00:24:19,042
Wade'?
Sorry.
398
00:24:19,167 --> 00:24:20,543
Happy Halloween.
399
00:24:20,669 --> 00:24:21,711
Happy Halloween.
400
00:24:31,513 --> 00:24:33,223
Happy Thanksgiving.
401
00:24:35,225 --> 00:24:36,393
I love you.
402
00:24:40,230 --> 00:24:42,232
If your left leg
is Thanksgiving...
403
00:24:42,357 --> 00:24:44,025
and your right leg
is Christmas...
404
00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:46,861
can I visit you
between the holidays?
405
00:24:47,696 --> 00:24:48,738
on!
406
00:24:48,822 --> 00:24:50,573
That sweater is terrible.
407
00:24:51,825 --> 00:24:53,243
But red looks good on you.
408
00:24:53,368 --> 00:24:54,327
Red's your color.
409
00:24:54,411 --> 00:24:56,246
Brings out the bloodshot
in your eyes.
410
00:24:57,205 --> 00:24:58,248
Listen,
I've been thinking...
411
00:24:58,331 --> 00:24:59,332
Really?
412
00:25:00,083 --> 00:25:01,835
...about why we're
so good together.
413
00:25:02,210 --> 00:25:03,253
Why's that?
414
00:25:04,087 --> 00:25:07,841
Well, your crazy matches
my crazy. Big time.
415
00:25:08,091 --> 00:25:09,426
Hmm.
416
00:25:10,051 --> 00:25:11,594
And, uh, we're like
two jigsaw pieces,
417
00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:12,929
you know,
the weird curvy edges...
418
00:25:13,263 --> 00:25:15,724
You put them together
and you can see
the mature on top.
419
00:25:16,558 --> 00:25:17,600
Right.
420
00:25:18,226 --> 00:25:19,269
Wade...
421
00:25:20,020 --> 00:25:22,439
there's something I've been
meaning to ask you.
422
00:25:22,564 --> 00:25:25,066
But only because you haven't
gotten around to asking me.
423
00:25:27,235 --> 00:25:28,278
Will you, uh...
424
00:25:29,529 --> 00:25:31,406
stick it in my...
Marry me?
425
00:25:33,116 --> 00:25:35,368
Uh... Jinx?
426
00:25:35,452 --> 00:25:36,453
Huh.
427
00:25:37,287 --> 00:25:38,455
Where were you
hiding that?
428
00:25:38,538 --> 00:25:39,581
Nowhere.
429
00:25:40,582 --> 00:25:42,208
They say one month's salary.
So, uh...
430
00:25:42,292 --> 00:25:43,293
You mean?
431
00:25:43,376 --> 00:25:44,377
I do.
432
00:25:44,461 --> 00:25:45,462
That's my line.
433
00:25:48,798 --> 00:25:50,467
I love you, Wade Wilson.
434
00:25:51,301 --> 00:25:52,635
You're supposed to...
So that's a...
435
00:25:52,719 --> 00:25:54,137
Yes!
Whoo!
436
00:25:54,929 --> 00:25:55,972
Yes!
437
00:25:58,141 --> 00:25:59,601
I feel just like
a little girl.
438
00:26:04,939 --> 00:26:07,233
What if I just held on
and never let go?
439
00:26:07,317 --> 00:26:09,903
Just ride a bitch's back,
like Yoda on Luke.
440
00:26:09,986 --> 00:26:12,322
Oh, Star Wars jokes.
441
00:26:12,822 --> 00:26:14,074
Empire.
442
00:26:15,492 --> 00:26:16,743
Jesus Christ.
443
00:26:16,826 --> 00:26:18,745
It's like I made you
in a computer.
444
00:26:20,580 --> 00:26:21,581
Mmm.
445
00:26:22,999 --> 00:26:24,000
Hey.
446
00:26:25,126 --> 00:26:26,503
Perfect.
447
00:26:30,298 --> 00:26:31,758
Let's see.
All right, wee break.
448
00:26:31,841 --> 00:26:33,134
Shake it, yeah.
449
00:26:39,349 --> 00:26:40,517
Here's the thing.
450
00:26:40,934 --> 00:26:42,769
Life is an endless series
of train-wrecks...
451
00:26:42,852 --> 00:26:46,439
with only brief,
commercial-like
breaks of happiness.
452
00:26:47,357 --> 00:26:50,026
This had been the ultimate
commercial break.
453
00:26:52,529 --> 00:26:53,863
Which meant
it was time to return
454
00:26:53,947 --> 00:26:55,698
to our regularly
scheduled program.
455
00:26:55,824 --> 00:26:57,617
What the...
456
00:26:57,700 --> 00:26:58,827
Oh, my God. Wade?
457
00:27:05,125 --> 00:27:06,376
You're clowning.
458
00:27:06,876 --> 00:27:08,211
You're not clowning?
459
00:27:08,461 --> 00:27:09,462
I sense clowns.
460
00:27:10,046 --> 00:27:13,383
People react to news of
late-stage cancer differently.
461
00:27:13,550 --> 00:27:16,302
There are certainly options
we can look into.
462
00:27:16,386 --> 00:27:18,179
New drugs are being
developed every day.
463
00:27:22,725 --> 00:27:23,852
So what do we do?
464
00:27:24,352 --> 00:27:26,729
Surely there is
something we can do.
465
00:27:27,856 --> 00:27:30,400
My uncle Ivan was diagnosed
with thyroid cancer...
466
00:27:30,525 --> 00:27:32,902
and there were all these
new experimental drugs
from Germany.
467
00:27:33,027 --> 00:27:35,572
Vanessa's already
working on Plan A, B,
468
00:27:35,655 --> 00:27:37,365
all the way through Z.
469
00:27:37,657 --> 00:27:41,202
Me? I'm memorizing
the details of her face.
470
00:27:41,870 --> 00:27:44,247
Like it's the first time
I'm seeing it.
471
00:27:44,330 --> 00:27:45,415
Or the last.
472
00:27:45,498 --> 00:27:47,000
Mr. Wilson...
473
00:27:47,083 --> 00:27:48,501
Mr. Wilson?
474
00:27:48,877 --> 00:27:51,171
Take your time
to process this.
475
00:27:52,213 --> 00:27:54,090
It's important not to
do anything rash.
476
00:28:05,685 --> 00:28:08,271
Now, if I were
a 200-pound sack
477
00:28:08,396 --> 00:28:10,857
of assholes named Francis,
where would I hide?
478
00:28:14,777 --> 00:28:15,778
Oh.
479
00:28:36,424 --> 00:28:38,218
A hush falls
over the crowd
480
00:28:38,301 --> 00:28:40,637
as rookie sensation
Wade W. Wilson...
481
00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:44,140
out of Regina, Saskatchewan,
lines up the shot.
482
00:28:45,975 --> 00:28:47,644
His form looks good.
483
00:28:48,561 --> 00:28:49,646
Oh!
484
00:28:49,771 --> 00:28:53,566
And that's why Regina
rhymes with fun.
485
00:28:54,150 --> 00:28:56,486
Ladies and gentlemen,
what you're witnessing...
486
00:28:56,569 --> 00:28:58,821
is sweet dick-kicking revenge.
487
00:28:59,822 --> 00:29:01,282
Oh! Giving him the business.
488
00:29:01,741 --> 00:29:02,784
Incoming!
489
00:29:03,910 --> 00:29:07,664
This is taking unsportsmanlike
conduct to a whole new level!
490
00:29:13,002 --> 00:29:14,921
Looking good, Francis.
Well rested.
491
00:29:15,004 --> 00:29:16,673
Like you've been pitching,
not catching.
492
00:29:17,257 --> 00:29:19,175
Ringing any bells? No?
493
00:29:24,180 --> 00:29:25,431
How about now?
494
00:29:29,435 --> 00:29:31,604
Wade fucking Wilson.
495
00:29:34,107 --> 00:29:35,358
Well,
hello, gorgeous.
496
00:29:35,441 --> 00:29:38,361
Yeah, like I got bit
by a radioactive Shar-Pei.
497
00:29:38,486 --> 00:29:41,614
Yeah. And whose fault
is that, huh, Francis?
498
00:29:41,698 --> 00:29:43,700
Yeah, time to undo what
you did to this butterface.
499
00:29:43,783 --> 00:29:45,451
Please,
you should thank me.
500
00:29:45,535 --> 00:29:46,786
Apparently,
I made you immortal.
501
00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:48,705
I'm actually
quite jealous.
502
00:29:48,788 --> 00:29:51,040
Yeah, but this ain't
a life worth living,
is it?
503
00:29:53,126 --> 00:29:54,794
Now, I'm about
to do to you
504
00:29:54,877 --> 00:29:57,213
what Limp Bizkit
did to music
in the late 90s.
505
00:29:59,382 --> 00:30:00,383
Dad?
506
00:30:03,886 --> 00:30:06,556
I think we can all agree
that shit just went sideways
507
00:30:06,639 --> 00:30:08,474
in the most colossal way.
508
00:30:09,517 --> 00:30:11,477
Well, maybe not the most.
509
00:30:11,978 --> 00:30:15,732
Uh... This is
my most prized possession.
510
00:30:16,316 --> 00:30:17,317
Wham?
511
00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:19,235
No, no, no. Wham!
512
00:30:19,736 --> 00:30:23,197
Make It Big is the album
that George and Andy
earned the exclamation point.
513
00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:25,825
So, am I supposed
to just smile
514
00:30:25,908 --> 00:30:27,160
and wave you out the door?
515
00:30:27,243 --> 00:30:28,661
Think of it like
spring cleaning.
516
00:30:28,745 --> 00:30:30,079
Only if spring
was death.
517
00:30:30,204 --> 00:30:32,582
God, if I had a nickel
for every time
518
00:30:32,665 --> 00:30:34,167
I spanked it to
Bernadette Peters.
519
00:30:35,209 --> 00:30:36,627
Sounds like you do.
520
00:30:37,462 --> 00:30:39,297
Bernadette is not
going anywhere,
521
00:30:39,422 --> 00:30:41,299
because you're not
going anywhere.
522
00:30:41,424 --> 00:30:42,425
Drink.
523
00:30:42,592 --> 00:30:43,926
You're right.
Cancer is only
in my liver,
524
00:30:44,052 --> 00:30:45,303
lungs, prostate, and brain.
525
00:30:45,428 --> 00:30:46,596
All things I can
live without.
526
00:30:47,805 --> 00:30:48,848
Ha.
527
00:30:48,931 --> 00:30:50,892
You belong here
at home.
528
00:30:50,975 --> 00:30:52,435
Surrounded by
your Voltron
529
00:30:52,560 --> 00:30:54,604
and your Bernadette,
and your me.
530
00:30:55,938 --> 00:30:59,442
Listen, we both know
that cancer is a shit-show.
531
00:31:01,110 --> 00:31:03,154
Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff-
opening-for-the
532
00:31:03,279 --> 00:31:05,990
Spin-Doctors- at-the-
lowa-State-Fair shit-show.
533
00:31:08,117 --> 00:31:12,663
And under no circumstances
will I take you to that show.
534
00:31:13,998 --> 00:31:15,666
I want you to remember me.
535
00:31:17,168 --> 00:31:18,961
Not the ghost
of Christmas me.
536
00:31:19,087 --> 00:31:20,838
Well, I wanna remember us.
537
00:31:21,339 --> 00:31:22,924
I swear to God, I will
find you in the next life...
538
00:31:23,007 --> 00:31:26,094
and I'm gonna boom-box
Careless Whisper
outside your window.
539
00:31:26,177 --> 00:31:27,637
Wham!
540
00:31:31,015 --> 00:31:34,018
No one is boom-boxing shit.
Okay?
541
00:31:36,646 --> 00:31:38,022
We can fight this.
542
00:31:41,192 --> 00:31:43,361
Besides, I just
realized something.
543
00:31:44,195 --> 00:31:46,531
You win.
Your life is officially
544
00:31:46,656 --> 00:31:49,325
way more fucked up
than mine.
545
00:31:53,704 --> 00:31:54,705
I love you.
546
00:32:06,384 --> 00:32:07,552
Wade.
547
00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:10,888
Weas.
548
00:32:11,013 --> 00:32:13,474
You look like you need
a Blow Job and a shower.
549
00:32:13,558 --> 00:32:15,643
Though courtesy calls
for the latter first.
550
00:32:15,726 --> 00:32:17,353
How about three shots
of Patron?
551
00:32:17,478 --> 00:32:21,149
Or how about
Triticum aestivum,
wheatgrass.
552
00:32:21,232 --> 00:32:22,567
Excellent for
the immune system.
553
00:32:22,692 --> 00:32:24,694
Jesus Christ.
You sound like Vanessa.
554
00:32:24,819 --> 00:32:25,903
Here, check it out.
555
00:32:26,028 --> 00:32:29,365
She's sending away
for all these colorful
brochures.
556
00:32:29,532 --> 00:32:31,242
I'm sure they're
all FDA approved.
557
00:32:31,742 --> 00:32:34,579
Chechnya. Isn't that where
you go to get cancer?
558
00:32:34,745 --> 00:32:37,498
You got China
and Central Mexico.
559
00:32:37,915 --> 00:32:40,084
You know how they
say "cancer" in Spanish?
560
00:32:40,251 --> 00:32:41,252
No.
561
00:32:41,919 --> 00:32:43,504
El Cancer.
Oh.
562
00:32:43,588 --> 00:32:45,423
I could have
guessed that.
563
00:32:45,923 --> 00:32:47,300
Look how happy
you look here.
564
00:32:47,383 --> 00:32:49,010
Mind if I keep this?
Put it up,
565
00:32:49,093 --> 00:32:51,512
so I can remember
when you looked alive.
566
00:32:52,013 --> 00:32:53,890
At least now I'm gonna
win the dead pool.
567
00:32:54,015 --> 00:32:56,642
Now that you're gonna die
tragically of cancer.
568
00:32:56,726 --> 00:32:58,519
I got it, Weas. Thanks.
569
00:32:58,603 --> 00:32:59,729
Oh.
570
00:33:01,105 --> 00:33:03,649
And, uh, that guy over there
came in looking for you.
571
00:33:03,733 --> 00:33:06,569
Real Grim Reaper type.
572
00:33:06,694 --> 00:33:08,613
I don't know.
Might further the plot.
573
00:33:12,742 --> 00:33:13,743
Boothe.
574
00:33:13,868 --> 00:33:14,952
Wade.
575
00:33:20,208 --> 00:33:21,250
Mr. Wilson.
576
00:33:21,751 --> 00:33:22,877
How can I help you?
577
00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:25,588
Besides luring children
into a panel van.
578
00:33:25,713 --> 00:33:29,300
I understand you've
recently been diagnosed
with terminal cancer.
579
00:33:29,425 --> 00:33:30,510
Stalker alert.
580
00:33:30,593 --> 00:33:32,762
It's my job.
Recruitment.
581
00:33:33,471 --> 00:33:35,932
I'm sorry you've had
such a tough go.
582
00:33:37,058 --> 00:33:39,143
But you're a fighter.
Special Forces.
583
00:33:39,393 --> 00:33:41,729
41 confirmed kills.
584
00:33:42,271 --> 00:33:43,606
One every seven weeks.
585
00:33:43,731 --> 00:33:45,983
Same rate most folks
get a haircut. Hmm...
586
00:33:46,776 --> 00:33:47,985
It's to wash
the taste out.
587
00:33:48,110 --> 00:33:51,155
It's tough to forget
being so impressive.
588
00:33:51,572 --> 00:33:53,491
And now you
spend your days
589
00:33:53,616 --> 00:33:55,493
sticking up for
the little people...
590
00:33:55,618 --> 00:33:57,161
People change.
What do you want?
591
00:33:57,620 --> 00:34:00,665
I represent an organization
that may be able to help.
592
00:34:02,625 --> 00:34:06,295
What if I told you
we can cure your cancer?
593
00:34:06,921 --> 00:34:11,008
And what's more,
give you abilities
most men only dream of?
594
00:34:14,679 --> 00:34:16,472
I'd say that you sound
like an infomercial,
595
00:34:16,597 --> 00:34:18,683
but not a good one,
like Slap Chop.
596
00:34:18,808 --> 00:34:20,351
More Shake Weight-y.
597
00:34:20,476 --> 00:34:23,437
The world needs
extraordinary soldiers.
598
00:34:23,521 --> 00:34:25,606
We won'tjust
make you better.
599
00:34:25,690 --> 00:34:28,693
We will make you
better than better.
600
00:34:29,694 --> 00:34:30,987
A superhero.
601
00:34:31,320 --> 00:34:34,115
Look, Agent Smith,
602
00:34:34,198 --> 00:34:36,325
I tried the hero business
and it left a mark.
603
00:34:36,784 --> 00:34:39,370
But if I ever hit "fuck it,"
I'll look you up.
604
00:34:40,121 --> 00:34:41,330
Oh, um...
605
00:34:41,831 --> 00:34:43,332
Shit. We're within
500 yards of a school,
606
00:34:43,457 --> 00:34:44,667
so you may wanna...
607
00:34:49,672 --> 00:34:50,881
His drink's on him.
608
00:34:56,554 --> 00:34:58,264
What did he say?
609
00:35:20,911 --> 00:35:22,496
Hey, what's going on?
610
00:35:22,580 --> 00:35:25,041
Hey. Sorry.
611
00:35:26,500 --> 00:35:28,502
I had a Liam Neeson
nightmare.
612
00:35:29,378 --> 00:35:30,838
I dreamt I kidnapped
his daughter
613
00:35:30,921 --> 00:35:32,548
and he just
wasn't having it.
614
00:35:40,264 --> 00:35:44,435
Hey, uh, they've made
three of those movies.
615
00:35:45,436 --> 00:35:48,606
At some point you have
to wonder if he's
just a bad parent.
616
00:35:48,731 --> 00:35:49,732
Hmm.
617
00:36:03,037 --> 00:36:06,624
The worst part
about cancer isn't
what it does to you...
618
00:36:07,041 --> 00:36:09,919
but what it does to
the people you love.
619
00:36:10,211 --> 00:36:12,713
Who knew if this guy
could save my life...
620
00:36:12,797 --> 00:36:15,466
but I knew there was only one
way that I could save hers.
621
00:36:19,637 --> 00:36:21,931
Isn't that what
superheroes do?
622
00:36:34,276 --> 00:36:38,322
Okay. Let's pro-con
this superhero thing.
623
00:36:38,989 --> 00:36:40,116
Ow.
624
00:36:40,241 --> 00:36:43,119
They pull down
a gaggle of ass.
625
00:36:43,244 --> 00:36:44,578
Local dry cleaning discounts.
626
00:36:44,662 --> 00:36:46,414
Lucrative film deals,
both origin stories
627
00:36:46,497 --> 00:36:48,624
and larger ensemble
team movies.
628
00:36:48,749 --> 00:36:51,544
They're all lame-ass
teacher's pets.
629
00:36:51,877 --> 00:36:53,587
You know,
I can hear you.
630
00:36:53,671 --> 00:36:56,549
I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to them.
631
00:36:56,632 --> 00:36:58,342
Stay right here.
632
00:36:59,009 --> 00:37:01,095
You've been
warned before, Deadpool.
633
00:37:01,345 --> 00:37:04,932
This is a shameful and
reckless use of your powers.
634
00:37:05,015 --> 00:37:07,101
You will both
be coming with us.
635
00:37:07,184 --> 00:37:09,019
Look, Colossus,
I don't have time for
636
00:37:09,145 --> 00:37:11,147
the goody two-shoes
bullshit right now!
637
00:37:11,272 --> 00:37:13,107
And you are?
638
00:37:14,692 --> 00:37:16,485
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
639
00:37:16,610 --> 00:37:19,989
Negasonic Teenage...
What the shit?
640
00:37:20,114 --> 00:37:21,866
That's the coolest name ever!
641
00:37:23,367 --> 00:37:25,953
So, what, you're like,
uh, his sidekick?
642
00:37:26,036 --> 00:37:27,496
No. Trainee.
643
00:37:27,621 --> 00:37:28,998
Let me guess.
644
00:37:29,123 --> 00:37:31,542
X-Men left you behind
on what? Shit detail?
645
00:37:31,667 --> 00:37:32,710
What does that make you?
646
00:37:32,835 --> 00:37:35,171
Pretending you're not here,
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
647
00:37:35,296 --> 00:37:36,505
Can we trade names?
648
00:37:36,630 --> 00:37:38,132
Can we go?
649
00:37:38,215 --> 00:37:40,551
Look!
I'm a teenage girl.
650
00:37:40,676 --> 00:37:42,803
I'd rather be
anywhere than here.
651
00:37:42,887 --> 00:37:45,055
I'm all about
long sullen silences...
652
00:37:45,181 --> 00:37:48,642
followed by mean comments,
followed by more silences.
653
00:37:49,059 --> 00:37:52,271
So what's it gonna be, huh?
Long sullen silence...
654
00:37:52,354 --> 00:37:54,899
or mean comment? Go on.
655
00:37:56,233 --> 00:37:57,359
You got me in a box here.
656
00:37:57,485 --> 00:37:58,486
Aha!
657
00:37:58,569 --> 00:38:00,488
We can't allow this,
DeadpooL
658
00:38:00,571 --> 00:38:01,989
Please, come quietly.
659
00:38:02,072 --> 00:38:04,325
You big chrome
cock-gobbler!
660
00:38:04,408 --> 00:38:05,409
That's not nice.
661
00:38:05,493 --> 00:38:06,994
You're really gonna
fuck this up for me?
662
00:38:07,328 --> 00:38:11,665
Trust me, that wheezing bag
of dick-tips has it coming.
663
00:38:11,749 --> 00:38:14,335
He's pure evil.
664
00:38:14,710 --> 00:38:18,005
Besides...
Nobody's getting hurt.
665
00:38:23,260 --> 00:38:25,429
That guy was already up there
when I got here.
666
00:38:25,554 --> 00:38:28,557
Wade, you are
better than this.
667
00:38:28,849 --> 00:38:31,185
Join us.
Use your powers for good.
668
00:38:31,268 --> 00:38:32,269
Heads up.
669
00:38:32,394 --> 00:38:33,604
Be a superhero.
670
00:38:33,729 --> 00:38:34,688
Listen!
671
00:38:34,772 --> 00:38:37,107
The day I decide to
become a crime-fighting
shit-swizzler...
672
00:38:37,233 --> 00:38:40,528
who rooms with a bunch
of other little whiners
at the Neverland mansion...
673
00:38:40,611 --> 00:38:45,449
of some creepy, old, bald,
Heaven's Gate-looking
motherfucker...
674
00:38:45,574 --> 00:38:47,284
on that day...
675
00:38:47,409 --> 00:38:49,537
I'll send your shiny,
happy ass a friend request.
676
00:38:49,620 --> 00:38:52,122
But until then, I'mma do
what I came here to do.
677
00:38:52,248 --> 00:38:54,875
Either that or slap
the bitch outta you!
678
00:38:54,959 --> 00:38:56,210
Wade...
Hey.
679
00:38:56,293 --> 00:38:57,419
Zip it, Sinéad!
680
00:38:57,545 --> 00:38:58,504
Hey, douche-pool!
681
00:38:58,587 --> 00:38:59,880
And I hope
you're watching...
682
00:39:04,635 --> 00:39:06,428
Quite unfortunate.
683
00:39:09,807 --> 00:39:12,059
That does it!
684
00:39:13,477 --> 00:39:14,478
Oh!
685
00:39:14,812 --> 00:39:17,815
Canada!
686
00:39:19,108 --> 00:39:20,067
That's not good.
687
00:39:20,150 --> 00:39:21,277
Wade, please.
688
00:39:21,402 --> 00:39:23,821
Cock shot!
689
00:39:24,280 --> 00:39:25,948
Oh, your poor wife.
690
00:39:26,073 --> 00:39:27,825
You really should stop.
691
00:39:31,453 --> 00:39:33,831
All the dinosaurs
feared the T. rex.
692
00:39:38,502 --> 00:39:40,629
I promise this gets
worse for you, big boy!
693
00:39:40,754 --> 00:39:42,590
This is embarrassing.
694
00:39:42,673 --> 00:39:44,466
Please, stay down.
695
00:39:45,509 --> 00:39:47,928
You ever hear
of the one-legged man
in the ass-kicking contest?
696
00:39:48,012 --> 00:39:49,430
Do you have
off switch?
697
00:39:49,513 --> 00:39:51,140
Yeah, it's right next
to the prostate.
698
00:39:51,265 --> 00:39:52,308
Or is that the on switch?
699
00:39:52,433 --> 00:39:54,435
Enough!
700
00:40:03,027 --> 00:40:04,862
Let us go talk
to the Professor.
701
00:40:05,362 --> 00:40:07,114
McAvoy or Stewart?
702
00:40:07,197 --> 00:40:09,450
These timelines
are so confusing.
703
00:40:10,784 --> 00:40:13,370
"Dead or alive,
you're coming with me!"
704
00:40:13,495 --> 00:40:15,039
You will
recover, Wade.
705
00:40:15,331 --> 00:40:16,832
You always do.
706
00:40:21,462 --> 00:40:24,882
You ever see 127 Hours?
Spoiler alert.
707
00:40:28,636 --> 00:40:29,720
Oh, my God.
708
00:40:29,845 --> 00:40:30,888
Nasty.
709
00:40:34,016 --> 00:40:35,309
Oh, there's
the money shot, baby.
710
00:40:36,560 --> 00:40:38,520
Are You There God?
It's Me, Margaret.
711
00:40:49,531 --> 00:40:51,909
Rock, meet bottom.
712
00:40:52,409 --> 00:40:55,412
And when life ends up
breathtakingly fucked...
713
00:40:55,704 --> 00:40:59,875
you can generally trace it
back to one big, bad decision.
714
00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:03,128
The one that sent you
down the road to Shitsburgh.
715
00:41:03,212 --> 00:41:06,006
This? Well, this was mine.
716
00:41:06,882 --> 00:41:08,258
Mr. Wilson.
717
00:41:09,718 --> 00:41:14,139
Nothing warms my heart
more than a change
of someone else's.
718
00:41:14,223 --> 00:41:15,933
You finally hit "fuck it."
719
00:41:17,101 --> 00:41:19,103
Just promise
you'll do right by me.
720
00:41:19,770 --> 00:41:21,772
So I can do right
by someone else.
721
00:41:21,897 --> 00:41:23,065
Of course.
722
00:41:23,732 --> 00:41:25,567
And please don't make
the super-suit green.
723
00:41:26,777 --> 00:41:28,278
Or animated.
724
00:41:34,785 --> 00:41:36,370
Move it! Keep moving.
725
00:41:48,465 --> 00:41:50,592
This place seems sanitary.
726
00:41:51,427 --> 00:41:53,554
My first request
is warmer hands.
727
00:41:53,637 --> 00:41:57,433
Oh! And, Jesus,
a warmer table.
728
00:41:58,976 --> 00:42:01,145
We should really come up
with a safe word, fellas.
729
00:42:01,270 --> 00:42:03,105
I'm thinking
"pork and beans."
730
00:42:06,483 --> 00:42:08,610
Easy.
731
00:42:10,612 --> 00:42:12,823
Aren't you a little
strong for a lady?
732
00:42:13,615 --> 00:42:14,992
I'm calling Wang.
733
00:42:18,954 --> 00:42:20,122
What's up with the matches?
734
00:42:20,456 --> 00:42:23,125
Oral fixation
or just a big Stallone fan?
735
00:42:24,668 --> 00:42:25,961
Patience, Angel.
736
00:42:26,962 --> 00:42:28,505
All in good time.
737
00:42:28,672 --> 00:42:30,632
Are you here for
the turndown service,
or what?
738
00:42:32,176 --> 00:42:33,260
We have another talker.
739
00:42:33,343 --> 00:42:35,262
I'm just excited about my
first day at superhero camp.
740
00:42:35,345 --> 00:42:37,514
Shut the fuck up.
741
00:42:40,809 --> 00:42:42,770
Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax.
742
00:42:43,812 --> 00:42:45,856
I manage this workshop.
743
00:42:46,982 --> 00:42:50,194
Ah, my welcome speech used to
be full of euphemisms like...
744
00:42:50,319 --> 00:42:51,737
"This may hurt a little."
745
00:42:51,820 --> 00:42:53,822
"This may cause you
some discomfort."
746
00:42:53,947 --> 00:42:56,200
But I've grown blunt.
747
00:42:56,325 --> 00:42:58,869
This workshop is not
a government-led program.
748
00:42:58,994 --> 00:43:02,539
It's a private institution
that turns reclamation
projects like yourself...
749
00:43:02,664 --> 00:43:06,001
into men of
extraordinary abilities.
750
00:43:07,669 --> 00:43:10,881
But if you think
super-human powers
are acquired painlessly...
751
00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:13,217
Wrong.
752
00:43:13,342 --> 00:43:14,802
I'm injecting you
with a serum...
753
00:43:14,885 --> 00:43:17,554
that activates any mutant
genes lurking in your DNA.
754
00:43:17,679 --> 00:43:21,558
For it to work
we need to subject you
to extreme stress.
755
00:43:27,022 --> 00:43:30,234
You've heard that whole
"make an omelet,
break some eggs" bit, right?
756
00:43:31,068 --> 00:43:32,528
I'm about to hurt you, Wade.
757
00:43:33,695 --> 00:43:36,198
I was a patient here once
myself, you know.
758
00:43:36,740 --> 00:43:39,243
The treatment affects
everyone differently.
759
00:43:39,576 --> 00:43:42,412
It made Angel
inhumanly strong.
760
00:43:42,746 --> 00:43:46,750
In my case,
it enhanced my reflexes.
761
00:43:47,251 --> 00:43:50,212
Also soorohed
my nerve endings,
so I no longer feel pain.
762
00:43:51,922 --> 00:43:55,759
And, in fact,
I no longer feel anything.
763
00:44:04,268 --> 00:44:07,062
Thanks! Thank you. Thank you.
764
00:44:07,396 --> 00:44:09,106
You have something
in your teeth.
765
00:44:10,065 --> 00:44:12,192
Right in the middle there.
Just, I don't...
766
00:44:12,276 --> 00:44:15,320
A little nugget of romaine
lettuce or something.
767
00:44:17,239 --> 00:44:19,616
It's been bothering me
for a long time.
768
00:44:21,076 --> 00:44:22,119
Ah, made you look.
769
00:44:22,411 --> 00:44:24,037
Hey, is Ajax
your actual name?
770
00:44:24,121 --> 00:44:25,831
Becauseitsounds
suspiciously made up.
771
00:44:25,914 --> 00:44:26,999
What is it, really?
772
00:44:27,082 --> 00:44:29,334
Kevin? Bruce? Scott?
773
00:44:29,418 --> 00:44:31,044
Mitch? The Rickster?
774
00:44:31,795 --> 00:44:33,297
Is it Basil Fawlty?
775
00:44:33,630 --> 00:44:35,132
Oh, joke away.
776
00:44:35,591 --> 00:44:36,884
One thing that never
survives this place
777
00:44:36,967 --> 00:44:38,468
is a sense of humor.
778
00:44:38,969 --> 00:44:40,095
We'll see about that.
779
00:44:40,220 --> 00:44:41,597
I suppose we will.
780
00:44:42,973 --> 00:44:44,516
He's all yours.
781
00:44:44,600 --> 00:44:45,601
Oh, come on.
782
00:44:46,310 --> 00:44:47,728
You're gonna leave me
all alone here
783
00:44:47,811 --> 00:44:49,438
with less-angry
Rosie O'Donnell?
784
00:44:53,817 --> 00:44:55,861
This is how
it's going to work.
785
00:44:55,944 --> 00:44:58,947
Adrenaline acts as a catalyst
for the serum...
786
00:44:59,615 --> 00:45:02,117
so we're going
to have to make you suffer.
787
00:45:03,827 --> 00:45:05,746
If you're lucky,
the mutant genes will activate
788
00:45:05,829 --> 00:45:08,665
and manifest in
a spectacular fashion.
789
00:45:12,961 --> 00:45:15,756
FRANCE» If not, well, we'll
have to keep on hurting you...
790
00:45:17,633 --> 00:45:18,842
in new and different ways,
791
00:45:18,967 --> 00:45:20,344
each more painful
than the last...
792
00:45:23,013 --> 00:45:25,349
until you finally mutate.
793
00:45:26,975 --> 00:45:28,185
Or die.
794
00:45:35,025 --> 00:45:36,610
You mean a bucket list?
795
00:45:36,693 --> 00:45:38,946
Like a fuck-it list.
796
00:45:39,029 --> 00:45:40,280
I'd really like
to light a spliff
797
00:45:40,364 --> 00:45:41,698
off the Olympic torch.
798
00:45:42,324 --> 00:45:44,117
Pass it
to me right after.
799
00:45:44,201 --> 00:45:47,621
Let's not forget naked
tandem base-jumping
800
00:45:47,704 --> 00:45:50,165
with the WNBA's
Sacramento Monarchs.
801
00:45:51,208 --> 00:45:54,336
Anything on my bucket list
would involve public nudity.
802
00:45:54,836 --> 00:45:57,714
Finally, giving Meredith
Baxter-Birney a Dutch oven.
803
00:45:58,006 --> 00:46:01,176
No. Receiving a Dutch oven
from Meredith Baxter-Birney.
804
00:46:05,847 --> 00:46:09,226
Making banana pancakes
for my kids.
805
00:46:12,688 --> 00:46:14,731
Vanessa.
806
00:46:18,235 --> 00:46:20,570
I wanna see Vanessa.
807
00:46:20,696 --> 00:46:21,989
You're lovely.
808
00:46:22,072 --> 00:46:25,450
I don't know about
anyone else, but I'm touched.
809
00:46:25,534 --> 00:46:26,535
We were just joking.
810
00:46:26,618 --> 00:46:28,912
No, no. It's okay.
811
00:46:30,080 --> 00:46:31,748
I encourage distractions.
812
00:46:32,541 --> 00:46:34,835
Wouldn't want you giving up
on us, now would we?
813
00:46:34,918 --> 00:46:36,753
Hey, don't take any shit
from him, Cunningham.
814
00:46:37,754 --> 00:46:40,048
How tough can he be...
815
00:46:40,215 --> 00:46:43,093
with a name like Francis?
816
00:46:43,719 --> 00:46:44,761
Francis?
817
00:46:45,095 --> 00:46:46,555
That's his legal name.
818
00:46:47,097 --> 00:46:50,600
He got "Ajax"
from the dish soap.
819
00:46:52,602 --> 00:46:56,231
F, R, A, N, C, I...
820
00:46:56,773 --> 00:46:58,066
Oops!
821
00:46:59,901 --> 00:47:02,738
Snagged the dry cleaning tag
off your lab coat.
822
00:47:04,614 --> 00:47:07,034
FYI, I could probably get you
the superhero discount.
823
00:47:07,117 --> 00:47:08,493
You are so
relentlessly annoying.
824
00:47:08,577 --> 00:47:09,578
Thanks.
825
00:47:09,661 --> 00:47:10,871
Never heard that before.
826
00:47:10,954 --> 00:47:14,166
Why don't you do us all
a favor and shut the fuck up?
827
00:47:14,249 --> 00:47:16,251
Or I'll sew
your pretty mouth shut.
828
00:47:16,752 --> 00:47:17,961
Oh...
829
00:47:18,086 --> 00:47:19,629
I wouldn't do that
if I were you.
830
00:47:19,796 --> 00:47:21,256
See, here's the problem with
831
00:47:21,381 --> 00:47:23,050
round-the-clock torture...
832
00:47:23,133 --> 00:47:26,094
is that you can't really
step it up from there.
833
00:47:28,764 --> 00:47:31,099
Is that what you think?
834
00:47:36,313 --> 00:47:38,815
If this doesn't unlock
your mutation, then, well...
835
00:47:39,649 --> 00:47:40,984
nothing will.
836
00:47:41,443 --> 00:47:42,569
Now, what we're going to do is
837
00:47:42,652 --> 00:47:44,363
lower the oxygen
concentration in the air...
838
00:47:44,446 --> 00:47:47,115
to the exact point you feel
like you're suffocating.
839
00:47:47,324 --> 00:47:48,575
If your brainwaves slow,
840
00:47:48,658 --> 00:47:50,494
meaning you're
about to pass out...
841
00:47:51,161 --> 00:47:52,329
then we'll turn up the O2.
842
00:47:53,330 --> 00:47:54,748
If your heart rate slows...
843
00:47:54,831 --> 00:47:57,459
meaning you're able
to catch your breath...
844
00:47:57,626 --> 00:47:58,960
we'll turn it back down.
845
00:47:59,628 --> 00:48:01,088
And that's where
we'll leave you.
846
00:48:01,171 --> 00:48:03,298
Right there.
847
00:48:03,632 --> 00:48:05,884
Oh, and I thought
you guys were dicks before.
848
00:48:05,967 --> 00:48:08,345
You know
the funniest part of this?
849
00:48:09,137 --> 00:48:11,515
You still think we're making
you a superhero.
850
00:48:12,349 --> 00:48:15,811
You. A dishonorable discharge.
851
00:48:16,520 --> 00:48:18,647
Hip-deep in hookers.
852
00:48:19,314 --> 00:48:20,982
You're nothing.
853
00:48:21,858 --> 00:48:23,360
Little secret, Wade.
854
00:48:24,194 --> 00:48:26,029
This workshop
doesn't make superheroes,
855
00:48:26,154 --> 00:48:28,323
we make super-slaves.
856
00:48:29,366 --> 00:48:31,076
We're gonna fit you
with a control collar
857
00:48:31,159 --> 00:48:33,161
and auction you off
to the highest bidder.
858
00:48:33,870 --> 00:48:35,330
Who knows what
they'll have you doing?
859
00:48:36,164 --> 00:48:39,543
Terrorizing citizens,
putting down freedom fighters.
860
00:48:41,711 --> 00:48:44,548
Maybe just mow
the occasional lawn.
861
00:48:45,048 --> 00:48:47,551
What the fuck
is wrong with you?
862
00:48:52,848 --> 00:48:55,517
You're never going home
after this.
863
00:48:55,684 --> 00:48:57,894
Now there's a brave face.
864
00:48:58,895 --> 00:49:00,522
Wait, wait! Wait. Wait.
865
00:49:02,858 --> 00:49:06,736
Seriously, you actually have
something in your teeth now.
866
00:49:08,697 --> 00:49:10,031
Enjoy your weekend.
867
00:49:10,407 --> 00:49:12,075
"Weekend"? Back up.
868
00:49:12,200 --> 00:49:13,368
Weekend'?
869
00:49:55,076 --> 00:49:57,120
Did I say
this was a love story?
870
00:49:57,245 --> 00:49:59,623
No, it's a horror movie.
871
00:50:16,139 --> 00:50:18,225
Fucking hell.
872
00:50:18,308 --> 00:50:21,478
Looks like someone lost his
shot at Homecoming King.
873
00:50:21,645 --> 00:50:23,605
What have you done to me?
874
00:50:23,813 --> 00:50:25,148
I've merely raised
your stress levels
875
00:50:25,273 --> 00:50:26,983
high enough
to trigger a mutation.
876
00:50:27,150 --> 00:50:29,319
You sadistic fuck!
877
00:50:29,986 --> 00:50:31,488
I've cured you, Wade.
878
00:50:32,322 --> 00:50:33,990
Now your mutated cells
can heal anything.
879
00:50:35,116 --> 00:50:37,827
It's attacking your cancer
as fast as it can form.
880
00:50:39,120 --> 00:50:41,665
Yeah, I've seen similar
side-effects before.
881
00:50:42,999 --> 00:50:44,000
I could cure them...
882
00:50:47,629 --> 00:50:49,297
but where's the fun in that?
883
00:50:51,633 --> 00:50:54,177
Now, I'm gonna
shut you in again, Wade.
884
00:50:55,971 --> 00:50:57,973
Not because I need to.
885
00:51:01,851 --> 00:51:03,645
Because I want to.
886
00:51:18,034 --> 00:51:19,160
Oh, Well.
887
00:51:19,536 --> 00:51:20,787
Go ahead.
888
00:51:23,832 --> 00:51:25,542
Oh, you smell like shit.
889
00:51:26,835 --> 00:51:28,795
Whoa!
890
00:51:28,878 --> 00:51:29,879
Motherfucker.
891
00:51:30,839 --> 00:51:32,716
Hey, hey, hey.
It's all right,
it's all right.
892
00:51:33,842 --> 00:51:35,760
I think we owe him
that one, yeah?
893
00:51:35,844 --> 00:51:38,221
You take off. Go on.
894
00:51:39,014 --> 00:51:40,348
Off you go.
895
00:51:51,359 --> 00:51:53,028
Quick question.
896
00:51:55,238 --> 00:51:57,240
What's my name?
897
00:52:03,038 --> 00:52:04,372
Didn't think so.
898
00:52:06,249 --> 00:52:09,002
Sorry, Francis.
My lips are sealed.
899
00:54:05,493 --> 00:54:06,786
You don't want to kill me.
900
00:54:06,870 --> 00:54:09,205
I'm the only one
who can fix your ugly mug.
901
00:55:05,929 --> 00:55:07,430
What's my name?
902
00:55:13,603 --> 00:55:14,771
Wade.
903
00:56:22,130 --> 00:56:25,174
I didn't just get
the cure to el cancer...
904
00:56:26,676 --> 00:56:29,345
I got the cure
to el everything.
905
00:56:33,016 --> 00:56:35,143
But there was
only one thing...
906
00:56:35,310 --> 00:56:36,978
that really mattered.
907
00:57:06,382 --> 00:57:07,383
Come on, let's go.
908
00:57:12,847 --> 00:57:15,516
Oh, that must hurt.
909
00:57:16,517 --> 00:57:18,019
Thank you so much.
910
00:57:29,906 --> 00:57:32,075
God, he's so fucking gnarly.
911
00:57:32,200 --> 00:57:33,576
Look at his face.
912
00:57:33,701 --> 00:57:35,995
Oh, my God. Poor guy.
913
00:57:36,079 --> 00:57:37,080
Honey, don't stare.
914
00:57:37,246 --> 00:57:38,414
MALE PEDESTRIANI Freak.
915
00:57:58,768 --> 00:58:02,105
No way. I'm not making
her life as ugly as mine.
916
00:58:02,397 --> 00:58:04,774
Come on, Wade,
it can't be that bad.
917
00:58:05,024 --> 00:58:06,234
Ah, bullshit!
918
00:58:06,401 --> 00:58:09,570
I'm a monster inside and out.
I belong in a fucking circus.
919
00:58:09,696 --> 00:58:12,240
Wade, Vanessa loves you.
She doesn't care what you...
920
00:58:12,365 --> 00:58:13,741
Oh! Oh.
921
00:58:14,033 --> 00:58:15,118
Do you like what you see?
922
00:58:15,243 --> 00:58:16,411
No.
923
00:58:16,911 --> 00:58:18,371
You look like an avocado
924
00:58:18,454 --> 00:58:20,790
had sex with an older,
more disgusting avocado.
925
00:58:20,915 --> 00:58:21,916
Yeah.
926
00:58:22,083 --> 00:58:24,085
Not gently.
Like it was hate-fucking.
927
00:58:24,252 --> 00:58:26,045
There was something wrong
with the relationship...
928
00:58:26,129 --> 00:58:27,964
and that was
the only catharsis
929
00:58:28,089 --> 00:58:29,716
that they could find
without violence.
930
00:58:29,924 --> 00:58:32,343
And the only guy
who can fix this fugly mug...
931
00:58:32,427 --> 00:58:35,096
is the British shitstick
who ran the mutant factory.
932
00:58:35,263 --> 00:58:36,973
And he's gone. Poof!
933
00:58:37,140 --> 00:58:38,850
Yeah, well you
gotta do something
to remedy this...
934
00:58:38,933 --> 00:58:40,018
because as of now,
935
00:58:40,101 --> 00:58:41,811
you only have
one course of action.
936
00:58:41,978 --> 00:58:43,104
Damn straight.
937
00:58:43,271 --> 00:58:45,023
Find Francis.
Star in horror films.
938
00:58:45,106 --> 00:58:46,107
What?
939
00:58:46,274 --> 00:58:48,234
Star in your own horror films.
940
00:58:48,317 --> 00:58:49,736
Because you look
like Freddy Krueger
941
00:58:49,819 --> 00:58:52,280
face-fucked
a topographical map of Utah.
942
00:58:53,114 --> 00:58:54,866
Here's what
I'm actually gonna do.
943
00:58:54,949 --> 00:58:56,034
I'm gonna work
through his crew
944
00:58:56,117 --> 00:58:57,535
until somebody
gives up Francis...
945
00:58:57,618 --> 00:58:59,996
force him to fix this, then
put a bullet in his skull...
946
00:59:00,121 --> 00:59:01,706
and fuck the brain hole.
947
00:59:01,789 --> 00:59:04,792
I don't wanna see that
or think of it again.
948
00:59:04,917 --> 00:59:06,627
But the douchebag does
thinks you're dead, right?
949
00:59:06,711 --> 00:59:07,545
Yeah.
950
00:59:08,171 --> 00:59:09,756
That's good.
You should keep it that way.
951
00:59:09,839 --> 00:59:11,507
What, like, wear a mask?
952
00:59:11,632 --> 00:59:14,510
Yes. A very thick mask.
All the time.
953
00:59:15,136 --> 00:59:16,220
I am sorry...
954
00:59:16,304 --> 00:59:18,806
you are haunting.
955
00:59:18,973 --> 00:59:20,892
Your face is
the stuff of nightmares.
956
00:59:20,975 --> 00:59:22,268
Like a testicle with teeth.
957
00:59:22,351 --> 00:59:24,062
You will die alone.
958
00:59:24,145 --> 00:59:25,813
I mean, if you could die.
959
00:59:26,355 --> 00:59:28,357
Ideally, for others' sake.
960
00:59:28,483 --> 00:59:29,650
That'll do.
961
00:59:29,984 --> 00:59:31,736
All you need now is a suit
and a nickname...
962
00:59:31,819 --> 00:59:33,654
like Wade the Wisecracker...
963
00:59:34,155 --> 00:59:37,200
or Scaredevil,
Mr. Neverdie.
964
00:59:37,825 --> 00:59:39,160
Oh, shit.
965
00:59:39,660 --> 00:59:40,828
What?
966
00:59:41,662 --> 00:59:43,581
I put all my money
on you and now...
967
00:59:43,664 --> 00:59:45,083
ljustreahzed
I'm never gonna
win the, uh...
968
00:59:45,166 --> 00:59:46,209
Dead pool.
969
00:59:50,171 --> 00:59:52,507
Captain Deadpool...
970
00:59:54,342 --> 00:59:55,426
No, just...
971
00:59:55,510 --> 00:59:57,053
Just Deadpool, yeah.
Just Deadpool.
972
00:59:57,345 --> 00:59:59,222
To you, Mr. Pool.
973
00:59:59,514 --> 01:00:00,515
DeadpooL
974
01:00:00,681 --> 01:00:02,016
That sounds like
a fucking franchise.
975
01:00:16,697 --> 01:00:18,699
This shit's gonna
have nuts in it.
976
01:00:19,367 --> 01:00:20,868
Where's Francis?
977
01:00:34,882 --> 01:00:36,551
Where's Francis?
978
01:00:44,892 --> 01:00:46,894
Seltzer water
and lemon for blood.
979
01:00:48,229 --> 01:00:51,065
Or wear red. Dumbass.
980
01:01:09,792 --> 01:01:11,252
Don't make me
ask twice.
981
01:01:12,628 --> 01:01:13,921
Where...
982
01:01:14,088 --> 01:01:16,257
is Francis?
983
01:01:16,757 --> 01:01:18,467
He made me ask twice.
984
01:01:18,593 --> 01:01:20,595
Is the mask muffling my voice?
985
01:01:25,308 --> 01:01:26,767
Where's Francis?
986
01:01:29,437 --> 01:01:31,272
Where the fuck is Francis?
987
01:01:39,947 --> 01:01:43,159
You're about to be killed
by a Zamboni.
988
01:01:43,326 --> 01:01:44,535
Where's Francis?
989
01:01:45,953 --> 01:01:47,121
No! Please!
990
01:01:47,788 --> 01:01:50,583
Oh, God! I'm so sorry!
991
01:01:51,792 --> 01:01:54,337
Oh! You little
spider monkey!
992
01:01:57,465 --> 01:02:00,927
Where... is... Francis?
993
01:02:02,136 --> 01:02:03,262
This is confusing.
994
01:02:03,346 --> 01:02:04,680
Is it sexist to hit you?
995
01:02:04,805 --> 01:02:06,265
Is it more sexist
to not hit you?
996
01:02:06,349 --> 01:02:08,643
I mean, the line
gets real... blurry.
997
01:02:09,810 --> 01:02:10,978
WHERE IS FRANCIS?
998
01:02:12,521 --> 01:02:14,482
Tell me where
your fucking boss is
999
01:02:14,649 --> 01:02:15,816
or you're gonna die!
1000
01:02:16,484 --> 01:02:18,027
In five minutes!
1001
01:02:28,162 --> 01:02:29,997
Don't hesitate to call me.
1002
01:02:45,554 --> 01:02:47,723
Nice to see you, Jared.
1003
01:02:48,891 --> 01:02:50,351
I'll take the footlong...
1004
01:02:50,685 --> 01:02:51,686
Fuflyloaded.
1005
01:03:05,866 --> 01:03:07,201
Whoa, whoa!
1006
01:03:07,368 --> 01:03:08,869
41 confirmed kills.
1007
01:03:09,036 --> 01:03:11,372
Now it's 89.
About to be 90.
1008
01:03:12,206 --> 01:03:13,207
Mr. Wilson?
1009
01:03:13,374 --> 01:03:14,375
Ding-ding.
1010
01:03:15,209 --> 01:03:17,378
You're looking
very alive.
1011
01:03:17,586 --> 01:03:19,255
Ha! Only on the outside!
1012
01:03:19,922 --> 01:03:21,424
This is not going to
end well for me, is it?
1013
01:03:21,549 --> 01:03:22,800
This is not gonna
end well for you, no.
1014
01:03:22,883 --> 01:03:24,010
Where's your boss?
1015
01:03:24,093 --> 01:03:25,636
I can tell you exactly...
1016
01:03:27,430 --> 01:03:29,390
Oh, you'll tell me.
But first...
1017
01:03:29,890 --> 01:03:32,143
You might wanna
look away for this.
1018
01:03:32,226 --> 01:03:33,519
Now this little piggy
went to...
1019
01:03:35,604 --> 01:03:37,898
Thank you, Agent Smith.
1020
01:03:41,569 --> 01:03:42,570
Taxi!
1021
01:03:44,071 --> 01:03:46,324
Hop in! Great day for a ride.
1022
01:03:48,242 --> 01:03:49,618
And we all know
how this turned out.
1023
01:03:52,580 --> 01:03:54,790
Whoops!
You weren't meant to see that.
1024
01:04:02,757 --> 01:04:04,592
There. All caught up.
1025
01:04:12,600 --> 01:04:14,435
We're here.
1026
01:04:15,102 --> 01:04:18,439
Sorry about
bleeding in all
your garbage.
1027
01:04:24,779 --> 01:04:26,781
Seltzer water and
lemon for blood.
1028
01:04:27,281 --> 01:04:28,282
Whoo!
1029
01:04:28,949 --> 01:04:31,494
Some kinds of anger
can't be managed...
1030
01:04:31,619 --> 01:04:33,704
like the kind where
your year-long plan
1031
01:04:33,788 --> 01:04:36,624
ends with the wrong guy
getting dismembered!
1032
01:04:37,291 --> 01:04:40,086
That said, when it comes time
to licking wounds,
1033
01:04:40,169 --> 01:04:41,796
there's no place like home.
1034
01:04:42,463 --> 01:04:44,507
Ah, and I share that home
with someone you've met,
1035
01:04:44,632 --> 01:04:46,967
the old blind lady
from the laundromat, Al.
1036
01:04:47,301 --> 01:04:48,844
God, I miss cocaine.
1037
01:04:49,178 --> 01:04:50,179
Her.
1038
01:04:50,346 --> 01:04:53,974
Fourth-wall break
inside a fourth-wall break.
1039
01:04:54,141 --> 01:04:56,685
That's like 16 walls.
1040
01:04:57,311 --> 01:04:58,771
She's like Robin to my Batman,
1041
01:04:58,854 --> 01:05:02,525
except she's old,
and black, and blind.
1042
01:05:02,817 --> 01:05:04,360
And I think
she's in love with me.
1043
01:05:04,819 --> 01:05:08,197
Wait, pretty sure
Robin loves Batman, too.
1044
01:05:18,207 --> 01:05:19,208
AI?
1045
01:05:21,669 --> 01:05:22,878
Morning, sleepyhead.
1046
01:05:24,505 --> 01:05:26,549
It smells like
old lady pants in here.
1047
01:05:26,715 --> 01:05:28,509
Yes, I'm old.
I wear pants.
1048
01:05:28,717 --> 01:05:30,344
But you're no lady.
1049
01:05:30,553 --> 01:05:33,180
Oh! So comfy.
1050
01:05:33,889 --> 01:05:36,851
I've never seen you in Crocs.
1051
01:05:37,017 --> 01:05:38,310
You mean my big,
rubber masturbating shoes?
1052
01:05:38,394 --> 01:05:39,520
Yes, I know.
1053
01:05:40,020 --> 01:05:42,565
Downside of being blind...
1054
01:05:42,731 --> 01:05:44,900
I hear everything
in this duplex.
1055
01:05:47,236 --> 01:05:48,362
Sit on a stick.
1056
01:05:48,487 --> 01:05:49,488
Bacfln?
1057
01:05:49,572 --> 01:05:53,701
Yeah. Bactin should do it.
1058
01:05:54,869 --> 01:05:56,495
How's that Kullen
coming along?
1059
01:05:56,579 --> 01:05:58,539
IKEA doesn't assemble itself,
you know.
1060
01:05:58,706 --> 01:06:01,542
You're telling me.
I don't mind the Kullen.
1061
01:06:01,709 --> 01:06:03,586
It's an improvement
on the Hurdal.
1062
01:06:04,253 --> 01:06:06,755
Please. Anything's
an improvement
over the Hurdal.
1063
01:06:06,922 --> 01:06:10,426
I'd have taken an Hemnes
or a Trysil over the Hurdal.
1064
01:06:11,051 --> 01:06:13,804
Oh, no, I didn't get excited
till I saw the Kullen.
1065
01:06:13,888 --> 01:06:14,930
Screw, please.
1066
01:06:15,097 --> 01:06:16,390
Here? Now?
Just kidding.
1067
01:06:16,557 --> 01:06:17,683
I know it's been decades.
1068
01:06:17,766 --> 01:06:18,893
You'd be surprised.
1069
01:06:19,602 --> 01:06:20,728
Pretty grossed out.
1070
01:06:22,730 --> 01:06:25,107
Ta... Da.
1071
01:06:30,905 --> 01:06:34,074
I wish I never heard
of Craigslist.
1072
01:06:34,450 --> 01:06:35,701
And I quote,
"Looking for roommate,
1073
01:06:35,784 --> 01:06:37,036
"blind to
life's imperfections.
1074
01:06:37,119 --> 01:06:38,204
"Must be good with hands."
1075
01:06:38,287 --> 01:06:40,498
Or would you rather I build
the IKEA, and you pay rent?
1076
01:06:40,581 --> 01:06:42,458
Why such a douche
this morning?
1077
01:06:43,250 --> 01:06:44,335
Let's recap.
1078
01:06:44,418 --> 01:06:46,587
The cock thistle that
turned me into this freak...
1079
01:06:46,754 --> 01:06:48,422
slipped through
my arms today...
1080
01:06:50,090 --> 01:06:51,258
Arm.
1081
01:06:51,759 --> 01:06:52,760
Catching him was
my only chance
1082
01:06:52,927 --> 01:06:54,845
to be hot again,
get my super sexy ex back...
1083
01:06:54,929 --> 01:06:57,181
and prevent this shit from
happening to someone else.
1084
01:06:57,264 --> 01:06:59,183
So,yeah,
today was about as much fun
1085
01:06:59,266 --> 01:07:00,976
as a sandpaper dildo.
1086
01:07:02,937 --> 01:07:04,438
#driveby.
1087
01:07:21,956 --> 01:07:23,958
Found out who our friend
in the red suit is.
1088
01:07:26,293 --> 01:07:28,128
Fucking Wade Wilson.
1089
01:07:29,129 --> 01:07:31,465
I suppose I'd wear a mask too
if I had a face like that.
1090
01:07:32,132 --> 01:07:33,634
I only wish I healed the same.
1091
01:07:37,638 --> 01:07:40,307
Still, we'll put him
out of our misery.
1092
01:07:40,474 --> 01:07:41,684
On our terms.
1093
01:07:42,142 --> 01:07:43,852
Right.
And when he heals?
1094
01:07:44,853 --> 01:07:45,854
He can't.
1095
01:07:46,146 --> 01:07:48,566
Not if there's nothing
left of him to heal.
1096
01:07:48,649 --> 01:07:52,653
You know, it's funny.
I almost miss the fucker.
1097
01:07:54,113 --> 01:07:55,489
I like a challenge.
1098
01:07:56,865 --> 01:07:58,867
But he's bad
for business.
1099
01:07:59,034 --> 01:08:00,786
Now let's go
find him.
1100
01:08:01,662 --> 01:08:02,663
Oh.
1101
01:08:05,207 --> 01:08:06,542
Tylenol PM?
1102
01:08:06,709 --> 01:08:09,211
You can stick that
where you stuck the Bactin.
1103
01:08:09,628 --> 01:08:11,880
I raided my stash
of wisdom tooth Percocet...
1104
01:08:12,047 --> 01:08:16,051
and I am orbiting
fucking Saturn right now.
1105
01:08:18,887 --> 01:08:20,973
But I appreciate the gesture.
1106
01:08:21,849 --> 01:08:26,186
Am I crazy,
or is your hand
really small?
1107
01:08:26,353 --> 01:08:28,147
About the size of
a KFC spork.
1108
01:08:28,397 --> 01:08:29,398
Ugh.
1109
01:08:30,316 --> 01:08:32,401
I get why you're so pissy...
1110
01:08:32,568 --> 01:08:34,153
but your mood's
never gonna brighten
1111
01:08:34,236 --> 01:08:35,404
till you find this woman...
1112
01:08:35,571 --> 01:08:36,864
and tell her how you feel.
1113
01:08:37,031 --> 01:08:38,574
What do I keep telling you,
Mrs. Magoo?
1114
01:08:38,699 --> 01:08:40,242
She wouldn't have me.
1115
01:08:40,492 --> 01:08:42,077
If you could see me,
you'd understand.
1116
01:08:42,244 --> 01:08:43,245
Looks aren't everything.
1117
01:08:43,412 --> 01:08:44,413
Looks are everything.
1118
01:08:44,580 --> 01:08:46,540
You ever heard
David Beckham speak?
1119
01:08:46,707 --> 01:08:48,751
It's like he mouth-sexed
a can of helium.
1120
01:08:49,168 --> 01:08:50,502
You think Ryan Reynolds
got this far
1121
01:08:50,586 --> 01:08:52,254
on his superior acting method?
1122
01:08:52,421 --> 01:08:53,672
Love is blind, Wade.
1123
01:08:53,756 --> 01:08:54,757
No.
1124
01:08:55,883 --> 01:08:57,176
You're blind.
1125
01:08:57,843 --> 01:09:00,596
So, you're just gonna
lie there and whimper?
1126
01:09:00,763 --> 01:09:02,806
No, I'm gonna wait till this
arm plows through puberty...
1127
01:09:02,890 --> 01:09:03,891
and then I'm gonna
come up with
1128
01:09:03,974 --> 01:09:05,059
a whole new
Christmas Day plan.
1129
01:09:05,851 --> 01:09:07,061
In the meantime,
1130
01:09:07,186 --> 01:09:08,520
you might wanna
leave the room.
1131
01:09:09,188 --> 01:09:11,565
I bet it feels huge
in this hand.
1132
01:09:12,941 --> 01:09:15,402
GO, go!
1133
01:09:16,195 --> 01:09:17,780
So, the doctor says,
"The bad news is
1134
01:09:17,905 --> 01:09:19,073
"you don't have
that long to live."
1135
01:09:19,198 --> 01:09:20,699
So, the patient says,
"How long do I have?"
1136
01:09:20,783 --> 01:09:22,660
The doctor says, "Five."
1137
01:09:22,743 --> 01:09:24,328
The guy says, "Five what?"
1138
01:09:24,411 --> 01:09:27,581
And the doctor says,
"Four, three, two..."
1139
01:09:35,464 --> 01:09:37,049
Can I help you ladies?
1140
01:09:39,635 --> 01:09:40,761
Oh, I do hope so.
1141
01:09:44,973 --> 01:09:46,433
I heard you might be
able to point me
1142
01:09:46,558 --> 01:09:49,103
in the direction
of a, um, friend of mine.
1143
01:09:49,645 --> 01:09:50,646
Name of Wade Wilson.
1144
01:09:52,231 --> 01:09:53,232
Sorry.
1145
01:09:53,399 --> 01:09:54,942
I don't know the name.
1146
01:10:02,282 --> 01:10:04,618
Hey, you're not supposed
to be behind the bar.
1147
01:10:08,330 --> 01:10:10,124
I've seen this girl.
1148
01:10:10,290 --> 01:10:11,583
Ah, this must be Vanessa.
1149
01:10:11,667 --> 01:10:12,835
I've heard so much about you.
1150
01:10:17,172 --> 01:10:19,299
Um, sweetheart,
you might wanna look around.
1151
01:10:19,925 --> 01:10:22,511
This isn't really the place
to do something like that.
1152
01:10:23,929 --> 01:10:25,514
Easy, Angel.
1153
01:10:25,681 --> 01:10:27,099
Put the little man down.
1154
01:10:28,642 --> 01:10:30,436
We have everything
we need now.
1155
01:10:30,811 --> 01:10:31,854
You sure?
1156
01:10:32,604 --> 01:10:35,524
You don't want
any clothes that are
not monochromatic?
1157
01:10:35,691 --> 01:10:38,360
Have fun at your midnight
showing of Blade ll.
1158
01:10:40,529 --> 01:10:41,613
Whoo.
1159
01:10:42,030 --> 01:10:43,782
Thanks for having
my back, guys.
1160
01:10:48,787 --> 01:10:51,123
Wade, we have
a fucking problem.
1161
01:10:51,206 --> 01:10:53,041
And by "we," I mean "you."
1162
01:10:53,959 --> 01:10:55,627
Ah, I can't believe
I'm doing this.
1163
01:10:56,128 --> 01:10:58,839
Is there a word for
half afraid, half angry?
1164
01:10:59,006 --> 01:11:01,049
Yeah, "afrangry",
lguess.
1165
01:11:01,216 --> 01:11:02,885
Have you decided
what you're gonna
say to her?
1166
01:11:03,051 --> 01:11:04,052
Fuck me!
1167
01:11:04,386 --> 01:11:06,305
Uh, maybe not
start with that.
1168
01:11:12,186 --> 01:11:15,355
Hey, coming onto
our stage right now...
1169
01:11:15,522 --> 01:11:17,691
give it up for Chastity!
1170
01:11:21,528 --> 01:11:23,739
Or as I like
to call her, Irony.
1171
01:11:23,906 --> 01:11:25,908
Better find her fast
before numbnuts does.
1172
01:11:26,074 --> 01:11:27,493
How do you know
she's in here?
1173
01:11:27,659 --> 01:11:30,746
Because I'm constantly
stalking that fox.
1174
01:11:55,771 --> 01:11:59,274
Every time I see her,
it's like the first time...
1175
01:12:00,108 --> 01:12:02,277
Especially from this angle.
1176
01:12:25,759 --> 01:12:27,052
You can't buy love,
1177
01:12:27,135 --> 01:12:29,555
but you can rent it
for three minutes.
1178
01:12:32,808 --> 01:12:35,477
Ah, you weak motherfucker!
1179
01:12:36,270 --> 01:12:37,271
Come on!
1180
01:12:38,480 --> 01:12:39,731
Come on, get it together.
1181
01:12:39,815 --> 01:12:41,817
This isn't about me,
this is about Vanessa.
1182
01:12:45,946 --> 01:12:47,281
Here we go.
1183
01:12:49,908 --> 01:12:51,493
Maximum effort.
1184
01:12:54,997 --> 01:12:56,123
Vanessa.
1185
01:12:58,667 --> 01:13:00,586
Someone out back
asking for you.
1186
01:13:00,669 --> 01:13:02,796
Something about, uh,
an old boyfriend.
1187
01:13:30,157 --> 01:13:31,283
I knew it was you.
1188
01:13:33,118 --> 01:13:35,037
The weird,
curvy edges.
1189
01:13:36,622 --> 01:13:38,457
Like a jigsaw puzzle.
1190
01:13:48,508 --> 01:13:50,385
You have Wade Wilson
to thank for this.
1191
01:13:59,394 --> 01:14:00,896
Hey. Hey! Where'd she go?
1192
01:14:01,063 --> 01:14:02,898
Uh, I saw her
head to the back.
1193
01:14:03,023 --> 01:14:04,399
Go get her, tiger.
1194
01:14:27,422 --> 01:14:29,716
Fuck. Fuck!
1195
01:14:32,427 --> 01:14:34,054
Motherfucker!
1196
01:14:34,221 --> 01:14:35,305
Wait, wait.
LefsH.JusL“
1197
01:14:35,389 --> 01:14:36,390
Cock juggling...
1198
01:14:36,473 --> 01:14:37,474
We can talk about
what we're gonna...
1199
01:14:37,557 --> 01:14:38,558
Jiminy! Fuck face!
1200
01:14:38,642 --> 01:14:39,810
Okay, or you
can hit that.
1201
01:14:39,893 --> 01:14:41,687
Yeah,yeah,yeah.
Fuck!Fuck!
1202
01:14:41,770 --> 01:14:43,146
No, no.
All right. Hey!
1203
01:14:43,230 --> 01:14:44,439
Fuck!Fuck!
1204
01:14:44,940 --> 01:14:45,941
Fuck!
Hey, um...
1205
01:14:46,608 --> 01:14:48,944
Whoa! Whoa!
Relax. Relax. Okay.
1206
01:14:49,111 --> 01:14:50,404
Okay. I think
that's a good start.
1207
01:14:50,529 --> 01:14:52,447
Oh, I'm gonna rip
his motherfucking...
1208
01:14:52,572 --> 01:14:53,573
Wait.
1209
01:14:53,699 --> 01:14:55,158
Find it! Find it.
What?
1210
01:14:55,242 --> 01:14:56,618
I'm gonna get angry.
Okay. All right.
1211
01:14:57,077 --> 01:14:58,745
All right. Okay. All right.
1212
01:14:58,912 --> 01:15:00,122
Here. This is Vanessa.
1213
01:15:00,288 --> 01:15:02,207
What?
No, wait. It's Francis.
1214
01:15:02,374 --> 01:15:04,126
He wants you
to come to him.
1215
01:15:05,085 --> 01:15:06,712
What is that?
That's the shit emoji.
1216
01:15:06,795 --> 01:15:08,880
You know, it's the turd
with the smiling face
and the eyes?
1217
01:15:08,964 --> 01:15:11,299
I thought it was
chocolate yogurt
forsolong.
1218
01:15:12,050 --> 01:15:13,135
I need guns.
1219
01:15:13,301 --> 01:15:14,302
Okay, which ones?
1220
01:15:14,469 --> 01:15:15,554
I need all the guns!
1221
01:15:15,637 --> 01:15:16,888
All right. Okay.
1222
01:15:37,576 --> 01:15:38,994
That's about
3,000 rounds.
1223
01:15:39,995 --> 01:15:41,997
We all know
what I can do with 12.
1224
01:15:42,456 --> 01:15:44,583
Hey, hey,
careful with that,
Ronnie Milsap!
1225
01:15:44,666 --> 01:15:45,792
We're downrange.
1226
01:15:47,252 --> 01:15:48,670
I was gonna
spend the night
1227
01:15:48,795 --> 01:15:50,797
assembling the Borje,
but this is holding
my interest.
1228
01:15:51,965 --> 01:15:54,760
I told you, we're going with
the Urvaj, not the Borje.
1229
01:15:54,843 --> 01:15:56,762
Get it through your head
or get out of fuck town.
1230
01:15:56,845 --> 01:15:59,514
Shit. That's all the pieces
in the house.
1231
01:15:59,681 --> 01:16:01,475
Nah, nah... Come on.
Let's go. Cough it up.
1232
01:16:01,850 --> 01:16:03,351
Up, up, Up.
1233
01:16:04,478 --> 01:16:05,771
Oh. Down, down, down.
1234
01:16:05,937 --> 01:16:06,938
Fuck you.
1235
01:16:08,774 --> 01:16:11,526
.45 cal. I like it.
1236
01:16:13,653 --> 01:16:14,863
Wade...
1237
01:16:16,114 --> 01:16:18,825
I'd go with you,
but I don't want to.
1238
01:16:21,995 --> 01:16:22,996
Uh...
1239
01:16:23,371 --> 01:16:24,539
Listen, Al...
1240
01:16:25,624 --> 01:16:28,043
iflneversee
you again,
1241
01:16:28,168 --> 01:16:30,796
I want you to know that
I love you very much.
1242
01:16:31,713 --> 01:16:35,467
And also, uh, there's
about 116 kilos of cocaine
1243
01:16:35,550 --> 01:16:36,802
buried somewhere
in the apartment...
1244
01:16:36,885 --> 01:16:39,679
right next to the cure
for blindness. Good luck.
1245
01:16:45,185 --> 01:16:46,228
You wanna get fucked up?
1246
01:16:56,571 --> 01:16:58,073
Put her down
over here.
1247
01:17:08,250 --> 01:17:09,501
Go on then.
1248
01:17:11,920 --> 01:17:14,506
Thanks, dickless.
And I mean you.
1249
01:17:14,923 --> 01:17:18,176
Wow. You're a talker too.
You and Wade.
1250
01:17:18,343 --> 01:17:20,011
I've been trying
to tell you assholes,
1251
01:17:20,095 --> 01:17:21,513
you've got the wrong girl.
1252
01:17:21,596 --> 01:17:23,056
My old boyfriend,
he's dead.
1253
01:17:23,223 --> 01:17:26,685
See, I thought that too.
But he keeps on coming back.
1254
01:17:26,935 --> 01:17:28,103
Like a cockroach...
1255
01:17:28,270 --> 01:17:29,604
but uglier.
1256
01:17:30,605 --> 01:17:34,109
Now, I may not feel,
but he does.
1257
01:17:35,193 --> 01:17:37,070
Let's see how he fights
with your head on the block.
1258
01:17:46,037 --> 01:17:47,539
Ripley, from Alien 3!
1259
01:17:48,123 --> 01:17:49,958
Fuck, you're old.
1260
01:17:51,626 --> 01:17:53,879
Fakelaugh.
Hiding real pain.
1261
01:17:53,962 --> 01:17:55,297
Go get Silver Balls.
1262
01:17:55,422 --> 01:17:57,757
You guys going for a bite?
Early bird special?
1263
01:17:57,883 --> 01:17:59,050
Oh, like there's
something wrong
1264
01:17:59,134 --> 01:18:00,385
with eating before sundown
or saving money.
1265
01:18:00,802 --> 01:18:04,139
No, you know that bad guy
that you let go?
1266
01:18:04,764 --> 01:18:06,558
He's got my girl.
1267
01:18:06,725 --> 01:18:08,101
You're gonna
help me get her back.
1268
01:18:08,476 --> 01:18:10,228
Wade, is that you?
1269
01:18:10,395 --> 01:18:11,855
Yeah, it's me, Deadpool,
1270
01:18:11,938 --> 01:18:14,774
and I got an offer
that you can't refuse.
1271
01:18:17,485 --> 01:18:18,528
I'm gonna wait
out here, okay?
1272
01:18:18,612 --> 01:18:19,654
It's a big house.
1273
01:18:19,738 --> 01:18:20,822
It's funny that
I only ever see
two of you.
1274
01:18:20,906 --> 01:18:24,117
It's almost like
the studio couldn't
afford another X-Man.
1275
01:18:27,662 --> 01:18:29,122
And that is why,
in my opinion...
1276
01:18:29,247 --> 01:18:32,417
the movie Cocoon
is pure pornography.
1277
01:18:32,918 --> 01:18:34,586
Who brought
this twinkly man?
1278
01:18:34,753 --> 01:18:36,671
Twinkly, but deadly.
1279
01:18:36,838 --> 01:18:39,257
My chrome-penised
friend back there
1280
01:18:39,341 --> 01:18:40,926
has agreed
to do me this solid.
1281
01:18:41,468 --> 01:18:43,345
In exchange,
I said that I would
1282
01:18:43,470 --> 01:18:45,347
considerjoining his boy band.
1283
01:18:45,513 --> 01:18:46,681
It's not boy band.
1284
01:18:46,848 --> 01:18:47,933
Sure it's not.
1285
01:18:48,642 --> 01:18:50,936
So,
any luck winning Gita back?
1286
01:18:51,686 --> 01:18:54,022
I tried to hold on tight,
Mr. Pool...
1287
01:18:54,189 --> 01:18:57,817
but Bandhu is more craftier
and handsomer than me.
1288
01:18:58,485 --> 01:19:00,195
Well, I think you're
pretty darn cute.
1289
01:19:06,117 --> 01:19:07,702
Dopmden
Hmm?
1290
01:19:09,037 --> 01:19:10,038
What was that?
1291
01:19:10,830 --> 01:19:11,998
Uh...
1292
01:19:12,123 --> 01:19:17,712
That was Bandhu
in the trunk.
1293
01:19:18,380 --> 01:19:19,631
Ban who?
1294
01:19:19,714 --> 01:19:22,467
My romantic rival Bandhu.
He's tied up in the trunk.
1295
01:19:22,550 --> 01:19:24,177
I'm doing as you said, DP.
1296
01:19:24,302 --> 01:19:26,179
I plan to gut him
like a tandoori fish,
1297
01:19:26,304 --> 01:19:28,056
then dump 'ms carcass
on Ghats doorstep.
1298
01:19:29,391 --> 01:19:31,017
I did not tell him
to do that.
1299
01:19:31,142 --> 01:19:33,770
Absolutely not.
It got lost in translation.
1300
01:19:33,853 --> 01:19:37,023
Dopinder, this is no way
to win Gita's heart back!
1301
01:19:37,148 --> 01:19:38,108
I'm so proud of you.
1302
01:19:38,191 --> 01:19:40,360
Drop Bandhu off,
safe and gentle-like.
1303
01:19:40,485 --> 01:19:41,444
Kill him.
1304
01:19:41,528 --> 01:19:43,530
And then,
win Gita back...
1305
01:19:43,738 --> 01:19:46,408
with your boyish charm.
1306
01:19:46,574 --> 01:19:48,034
Kidnap her.
1307
01:19:49,494 --> 01:19:50,662
He's super dead.
1308
01:19:51,162 --> 01:19:52,163
Whoa!
1309
01:19:56,084 --> 01:19:57,585
I presume a crisp
high five?
1310
01:19:57,752 --> 01:19:59,087
For you? 10.
1311
01:20:00,588 --> 01:20:03,258
Okay, guys,
let's get out there
and make a difference.
1312
01:20:03,425 --> 01:20:05,343
You know what to do.
1313
01:20:06,261 --> 01:20:08,888
Knock 'em dead,
PoolBoy!
1314
01:20:10,098 --> 01:20:12,100
Time to make
the chimi-fuckin'-changas.
1315
01:20:13,601 --> 01:20:15,186
Not often
a dude ruins your face...
1316
01:20:15,270 --> 01:20:18,189
skull-stomps your sanity,
grabs your future baby mama...
1317
01:20:18,273 --> 01:20:19,899
and personally sees to four
1318
01:20:20,025 --> 01:20:22,402
of your five
shittiest moments.
1319
01:20:22,527 --> 01:20:26,698
Let's just say it's beginning
to look a lot like Christmas.
1320
01:20:39,627 --> 01:20:40,920
Hey.
1321
01:20:41,046 --> 01:20:42,297
Where's your duffle bag?
1322
01:21:01,149 --> 01:21:02,567
DOPINDERI Bandhu?
1323
01:21:04,110 --> 01:21:06,071
Leave a message
and have a happy day.
1324
01:21:06,237 --> 01:21:07,489
God damn it!
1325
01:21:07,655 --> 01:21:09,240
I'm gonna do this
the old fashioned way...
1326
01:21:09,407 --> 01:21:12,827
with two swords
and maximum effort.
1327
01:21:13,828 --> 01:21:14,829
Cue the music.
1328
01:21:31,012 --> 01:21:33,473
Wade Wilson!
1329
01:21:34,015 --> 01:21:35,600
What's my name?
1330
01:21:35,683 --> 01:21:37,852
Oh, I'mma fuckin'
spell it out for ya.
1331
01:21:40,146 --> 01:21:41,147
Go get some.
1332
01:21:41,314 --> 01:21:42,357
Superhero landing.
1333
01:21:42,524 --> 01:21:43,608
She's gonna do
a superhero landing.
1334
01:21:43,691 --> 01:21:44,692
Wait for it.
1335
01:21:48,029 --> 01:21:49,072
WADE; Wh00!
1336
01:21:49,155 --> 01:21:50,323
Superhero landing!
1337
01:21:50,865 --> 01:21:51,950
You know,
that's really hard
on your knees.
1338
01:21:52,283 --> 01:21:53,701
Totally impractical.
They all do it.
1339
01:21:54,202 --> 01:21:57,372
You're a lovely lady, but
I'm saving myself for Francis.
1340
01:21:57,539 --> 01:21:58,623
That's why
I brought him.
1341
01:21:58,790 --> 01:22:02,001
I prefer not
to hit a woman,
so please...
1342
01:22:09,217 --> 01:22:12,303
I mean,
that's why I brought her?
1343
01:22:13,847 --> 01:22:15,890
Oh, no, finish your tweet.
It's not... That's...
1344
01:22:16,057 --> 01:22:17,517
Just give us a second.
Yeah.
1345
01:22:17,684 --> 01:22:19,018
There you go.
Hashtag it.
1346
01:22:20,395 --> 01:22:22,230
Go get her, tiger.
1347
01:22:28,903 --> 01:22:32,657
Oh, I so pity the dude who
pressures her into prom sex.
1348
01:22:33,366 --> 01:22:34,909
All right, then. Fire!
1349
01:22:46,671 --> 01:22:48,173
Finish fucking her
the fuck up!
1350
01:22:48,339 --> 01:22:49,340
Language, please.
1351
01:22:49,424 --> 01:22:50,592
Suck a cock.
1352
01:23:16,618 --> 01:23:18,286
Look away, child.
1353
01:23:19,037 --> 01:23:20,371
Look away!
1354
01:23:27,712 --> 01:23:28,922
Wait!
1355
01:23:29,088 --> 01:23:30,131
Wait!
1356
01:23:30,256 --> 01:23:31,257
Cease fire!
1357
01:23:31,341 --> 01:23:32,592
Cease fire!
1358
01:23:32,717 --> 01:23:34,135
Fellas! Hey! Hey!
1359
01:23:35,553 --> 01:23:39,140
You only work for that
shit-spackled muppet fart.
1360
01:23:39,307 --> 01:23:41,434
So, I'mma give you a chance
1361
01:23:41,559 --> 01:23:43,228
for y'all to lay down
your firearms...
1362
01:23:43,394 --> 01:23:46,272
in exchange for preferential,
bordering on gentle...
1363
01:23:46,439 --> 01:23:49,901
possibly even
lover-like treatment.
1364
01:23:51,945 --> 01:23:53,071
Fine.
1365
01:23:53,154 --> 01:23:54,239
Commando!
1366
01:25:06,269 --> 01:25:07,353
Teabag!
1367
01:25:11,858 --> 01:25:12,859
Bob?
1368
01:25:13,860 --> 01:25:14,861
VVade?
1369
01:25:14,944 --> 01:25:16,195
Oh, my God,
I haven't seen you since...
1370
01:25:16,279 --> 01:25:18,531
Jacksonville. Fridays.
Since TGI Fridays.
1371
01:25:19,365 --> 01:25:21,117
Well, what the hell!
1372
01:25:21,701 --> 01:25:23,202
God, come here, you.
1373
01:25:25,371 --> 01:25:27,290
How are the kids?
Good?
1374
01:25:27,874 --> 01:25:29,542
And Gail, she still fixing
that tuna casserole?
1375
01:25:29,667 --> 01:25:31,377
So good.
But bad for the waistline,
1376
01:25:31,461 --> 01:25:32,545
if you know what
I'm talking about.
1377
01:25:37,216 --> 01:25:38,217
Oh!
1378
01:25:39,302 --> 01:25:42,555
Your... On the left.
You are beautiful woman.
1379
01:25:42,722 --> 01:25:43,723
That is so sweet.
1380
01:25:44,057 --> 01:25:45,058
Uh...
1381
01:25:45,224 --> 01:25:46,225
Thanks.
1382
01:25:53,733 --> 01:25:54,734
WADE". '(co-hem!
1383
01:25:58,404 --> 01:25:59,989
Does he
write you notes too?
1384
01:26:00,073 --> 01:26:01,908
He's such a romantic.
1385
01:26:02,325 --> 01:26:03,743
Don't worry, baby.
I'm comin'.
1386
01:26:05,078 --> 01:26:06,079
Fire!
1387
01:26:13,753 --> 01:26:15,171
Hey!
1388
01:26:15,421 --> 01:26:16,422
Climb on!
1389
01:26:53,459 --> 01:26:55,044
Motherfucking...
1390
01:27:06,389 --> 01:27:08,891
Motherfucker should have
worn his brown pants.
1391
01:27:11,644 --> 01:27:12,812
You were right,
beautiful.
1392
01:27:13,730 --> 01:27:15,481
Red really is my color.
1393
01:27:16,149 --> 01:27:17,233
VVade?
1394
01:27:17,316 --> 01:27:18,317
Don't worry, baby...
1395
01:27:18,651 --> 01:27:20,653
I'mma get you out
of that shit-box.
1396
01:27:21,154 --> 01:27:23,322
What better way to crawl back
inside that head of yours?
1397
01:27:23,489 --> 01:27:25,241
Oh, you never left.
1398
01:27:25,408 --> 01:27:27,410
But you did, asshole!
1399
01:27:27,577 --> 01:27:28,995
Ah, deep breath, darling.
1400
01:27:30,580 --> 01:27:31,664
Oh, wait.
1401
01:27:32,832 --> 01:27:34,333
Wrong choice of words.
1402
01:27:36,586 --> 01:27:39,338
I hope they blocked pain
to your every last nerve.
1403
01:27:39,505 --> 01:27:40,590
'Cause I'mma go lookin'!
1404
01:27:42,008 --> 01:27:44,010
I hear you grow back
body parts now, Wade.
1405
01:27:44,510 --> 01:27:45,511
When I'm finished...
1406
01:27:45,678 --> 01:27:47,346
parts will have
to grow back you.
1407
01:27:47,513 --> 01:27:48,681
Good one.
1408
01:27:49,599 --> 01:27:51,350
Yep, that was a good one.
1409
01:27:51,517 --> 01:27:52,518
Let's dance.
1410
01:27:53,853 --> 01:27:55,021
And by dance, I mean...
1411
01:27:55,188 --> 01:27:56,272
let's try to kill each other.
1412
01:28:50,910 --> 01:28:53,162
Fine. Fists.
1413
01:28:53,412 --> 01:28:55,248
Oh, sounds like
your last Saturday night.
1414
01:30:17,163 --> 01:30:19,248
Asshole!
1415
01:31:15,554 --> 01:31:16,555
Hang in there,
baby!
1416
01:31:17,056 --> 01:31:19,058
Wade!
I gotcha!
1417
01:31:22,478 --> 01:31:24,397
I got a plan.
You're not gonna like it.
1418
01:31:35,074 --> 01:31:36,242
Shit! Shit! Shit!
1419
01:31:42,164 --> 01:31:44,667
Don't worry.
I'm totally on top of this.
1420
01:31:59,849 --> 01:32:01,767
Ah! Damn it!
1421
01:32:02,685 --> 01:32:05,604
Maximum effort!
1422
01:32:47,980 --> 01:32:48,981
Thanks.
1423
01:32:53,986 --> 01:32:55,571
Just take it slow.
1424
01:33:02,286 --> 01:33:03,662
WADE". '(co-hem!
1425
01:33:05,998 --> 01:33:08,667
Oh, my God! That was so...
1426
01:33:39,698 --> 01:33:41,283
There are no words!
1427
01:33:42,368 --> 01:33:45,955
Me and you are headed
to fix this butterface.
1428
01:33:46,705 --> 01:33:47,873
What?
1429
01:33:50,209 --> 01:33:52,962
You stupid
fucking idiot.
1430
01:33:53,379 --> 01:33:57,967
Did you really think
there was a cure...
for that?
1431
01:33:59,844 --> 01:34:00,845
What?
1432
01:34:01,303 --> 01:34:02,346
You heard me.
1433
01:34:04,140 --> 01:34:05,224
No.
1434
01:34:05,349 --> 01:34:06,559
No!
1435
01:34:13,816 --> 01:34:16,819
So, you mean to say...
1436
01:34:17,570 --> 01:34:21,574
after all this,
you can't fix me?
1437
01:34:22,408 --> 01:34:24,493
It sounds even stupider
when you say it.
1438
01:34:24,577 --> 01:34:26,412
Like the kind of stupid
who admits
1439
01:34:26,495 --> 01:34:29,582
he can't do the one thing
I'm keeping him alive for?
1440
01:34:33,544 --> 01:34:35,254
Any last words?
1441
01:34:37,173 --> 01:34:38,257
What's my name?
1442
01:34:39,383 --> 01:34:40,426
Who fucking cares?
1443
01:34:40,551 --> 01:34:41,552
COLOSSUSI Wade!
1444
01:34:43,179 --> 01:34:45,556
Four or five moments.
1445
01:34:45,764 --> 01:34:46,765
I'm sorry?
1446
01:34:47,141 --> 01:34:49,518
Four or five moments,
that's all it takes.
1447
01:34:50,102 --> 01:34:51,103
To?
1448
01:34:52,104 --> 01:34:53,439
Be a hero.
1449
01:34:55,566 --> 01:34:58,360
Everyone thinks
it's a full-time job.
1450
01:34:58,444 --> 01:35:00,696
Wake up a hero,
brush your teeth a hero,
1451
01:35:00,779 --> 01:35:02,031
go to work a hero.
1452
01:35:02,531 --> 01:35:04,200
Not true.
1453
01:35:04,408 --> 01:35:07,536
Over a lifetime, there are
only four or five moments
1454
01:35:07,620 --> 01:35:09,788
that really matter.
1455
01:35:10,206 --> 01:35:12,583
Moments when you're
offered a choice.
1456
01:35:12,750 --> 01:35:15,377
To make a sacrifice,
conquer a flaw,
1457
01:35:15,461 --> 01:35:16,921
save a friend...
1458
01:35:17,546 --> 01:35:20,132
spare an enemy.
1459
01:35:20,758 --> 01:35:22,134
In these moments...
1460
01:35:22,927 --> 01:35:25,804
everything else falls away.
1461
01:35:26,430 --> 01:35:28,974
The way the world sees us.
1462
01:35:29,433 --> 01:35:30,434
The way we...
1463
01:35:34,647 --> 01:35:35,773
Why?
1464
01:35:36,941 --> 01:35:38,817
You were droning on.
1465
01:35:38,984 --> 01:35:41,946
Sure, I may be stuck looking
like pepperoni flatbread...
1466
01:35:42,112 --> 01:35:44,907
but at least fuckface
won't heal from that.
1467
01:35:45,157 --> 01:35:47,785
If wearing superhero tights...
1468
01:35:48,244 --> 01:35:49,578
means sparing psychopaths...
1469
01:35:49,745 --> 01:35:51,789
then maybe I wasn't
meant to wear 'em.
1470
01:35:51,956 --> 01:35:54,250
Not everyone monitors
a hall like you.
1471
01:35:54,333 --> 01:35:55,417
Just promise...
1472
01:35:55,501 --> 01:35:57,086
Yeah, yeah,
I'll be on the lookout
1473
01:35:57,169 --> 01:35:59,338
for the next four moments.
1474
01:35:59,463 --> 01:36:00,965
Oh, shit.
1475
01:36:01,131 --> 01:36:04,760
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm just a boy,
1476
01:36:04,843 --> 01:36:06,971
about to stand
in front of a girl...
1477
01:36:07,137 --> 01:36:08,347
and tell her...
1478
01:36:08,514 --> 01:36:10,516
What the fuck
am I gonna tell her?
1479
01:36:10,599 --> 01:36:13,852
Well, hmm,
you better figure it out.
1480
01:36:15,354 --> 01:36:16,605
I can't even tell you...
1481
01:36:16,689 --> 01:36:17,773
I deserved that.
That, too.
1482
01:36:18,524 --> 01:36:20,109
No,no,no,
maybe not the nethers.
1483
01:36:20,192 --> 01:36:22,111
Start talking!
1484
01:36:24,154 --> 01:36:25,698
I'm sorry.
1485
01:36:25,990 --> 01:36:27,449
I'm so sorry.
1486
01:36:28,284 --> 01:36:30,828
For everything,
I'm sorry for leaving...
1487
01:36:32,329 --> 01:36:34,290
I'm sorry for not
cowboying up sooner.
1488
01:36:34,456 --> 01:36:36,125
It's been rough
couple of years.
1489
01:36:36,208 --> 01:36:37,209
Rough?
1490
01:36:45,050 --> 01:36:46,885
I live in a crackhouse.
1491
01:36:48,137 --> 01:36:49,471
With a family of 12.
1492
01:36:51,223 --> 01:36:52,725
Every night
we spoon for warmth.
1493
01:36:52,808 --> 01:36:55,728
Everybody fights for Noelle.
She's the fattest.
1494
01:36:55,894 --> 01:36:57,479
There's nothing
that we don't share.
1495
01:36:57,563 --> 01:37:01,734
Floor space, dental floss,
even condoms.
1496
01:37:09,867 --> 01:37:12,036
So, you live in a house.
1497
01:37:20,878 --> 01:37:23,839
I should have come
and found you sooner.
1498
01:37:25,257 --> 01:37:26,592
But, baby,
the guy under this mask,
1499
01:37:26,717 --> 01:37:29,261
he ain't the same one
that you remember.
1500
01:37:33,599 --> 01:37:34,850
You mean this mask?
1501
01:37:54,953 --> 01:37:56,580
And this one.
1502
01:37:58,040 --> 01:37:59,792
In case the other fell off.
1503
01:38:02,795 --> 01:38:04,963
All right.
Yeah, just... Ow.
1504
01:38:05,130 --> 01:38:06,715
Like a Band-Aid,
just give it a...
1505
01:38:06,882 --> 01:38:08,967
Owdie 5,000.
1506
01:38:09,051 --> 01:38:10,135
Wait, wait, wait...
1507
01:38:12,054 --> 01:38:13,305
Are you sure?
1508
01:38:15,140 --> 01:38:16,141
I'm sure.
1509
01:38:26,485 --> 01:38:27,486
Wow.
1510
01:38:28,904 --> 01:38:29,988
Yeah.
1511
01:38:36,954 --> 01:38:38,288
Hey.
1512
01:38:40,499 --> 01:38:42,292
After a brief
adjustment period...
1513
01:38:42,835 --> 01:38:44,753
and a bunch of drinks...
1514
01:38:46,171 --> 01:38:48,132
it's a face...
1515
01:38:52,594 --> 01:38:54,179
I'd be happy to sit on.
1516
01:39:01,687 --> 01:39:05,107
I'm not the same
underneath this suit, either.
1517
01:39:05,190 --> 01:39:06,191
No.
1518
01:39:06,775 --> 01:39:08,527
Super-penis.
1519
01:39:08,777 --> 01:39:10,654
Come on, Wade. Language.
1520
01:39:10,863 --> 01:39:12,281
Young one is present.
1521
01:39:13,365 --> 01:39:15,200
What are you still doing?
1522
01:39:15,284 --> 01:39:17,953
Get out of here.
Go make yourself useful!
1523
01:39:18,036 --> 01:39:20,789
You, go be a really
big brother to someone.
1524
01:39:20,873 --> 01:39:22,541
Tell Beast to stop
shitting on my lawn.
1525
01:39:22,666 --> 01:39:24,460
And you,
chicken noodle...
1526
01:39:24,626 --> 01:39:26,378
Nothing compares to you.
1527
01:39:26,503 --> 01:39:28,547
Sinéad O'Connor, 1990.
Sorry.
1528
01:39:28,630 --> 01:39:31,300
That's all right.
You're cool.
1529
01:39:33,218 --> 01:39:34,845
What in the ass?
1530
01:39:35,012 --> 01:39:38,056
That was not mean.
I'm proud of you!
1531
01:39:38,474 --> 01:39:41,518
We will make an X-Man
of you yet, Wade.
1532
01:39:41,685 --> 01:39:42,895
For a second there,
1533
01:39:43,020 --> 01:39:44,730
it felt like we were
three mini-lion robots...
1534
01:39:44,855 --> 01:39:47,065
coming together to form
one super robot.
1535
01:39:47,900 --> 01:39:49,067
There's a stupid.
1536
01:39:49,193 --> 01:39:50,235
Yeah.
1537
01:39:53,697 --> 01:39:58,076
And now, for the moment
I've all been waiting for.
1538
01:40:01,830 --> 01:40:02,915
Come here.
1539
01:40:12,841 --> 01:40:15,761
Wham! As promised.
1540
01:40:28,857 --> 01:40:29,942
See?
1541
01:40:30,067 --> 01:40:33,612
You don't need to be
a superhero to get the girl.
1542
01:40:33,695 --> 01:40:36,448
The right girl will bring out
the hero in you.
1543
01:40:37,074 --> 01:40:40,452
Now, let's finish this
epic wide shot. Pull out.
1544
01:40:40,619 --> 01:40:42,120
There we go, that looks nice.
1545
01:40:42,246 --> 01:40:43,288
That's gonna be
about the only thing
1546
01:40:43,413 --> 01:40:44,706
that's pulling out tonight.
1547
01:40:44,790 --> 01:40:47,960
Who doesn't love
a happy ending, huh?
1548
01:40:48,085 --> 01:40:49,545
'Til next time, this is
1549
01:40:49,628 --> 01:40:51,880
your friendly neighborhood
pool guy singin'. ..
1550
01:40:51,964 --> 01:40:54,216
I'm never gonna dance again
1551
01:40:54,299 --> 01:40:57,803
The way I danced with you
1552
01:47:07,672 --> 01:47:09,341
You're still here?
1553
01:47:11,927 --> 01:47:14,971
It's over. Go home.
1554
01:47:16,681 --> 01:47:19,184
Oh, you're expecting
a teaser for Deadpool 2.
1555
01:47:19,267 --> 01:47:21,102
Well, we don't have
that kind of money.
1556
01:47:22,020 --> 01:47:24,940
What are you expecting?
Sam Jackson to show up?
1557
01:47:25,106 --> 01:47:27,692
With an eye patch and a saucy
little leather number?
1558
01:47:27,817 --> 01:47:29,444
Go. Go.
1559
01:47:34,699 --> 01:47:35,659
Oh.
1560
01:47:35,742 --> 01:47:38,286
But I can tell you one thing,
and it's a bit of a secret.
1561
01:47:38,370 --> 01:47:41,456
For the sequel,
we're gonna have Cable.
1562
01:47:41,539 --> 01:47:43,959
Amazing character.
Bionic arm, time travel.
1563
01:47:44,042 --> 01:47:45,126
We have no idea
who we're gonna cast yet,
1564
01:47:45,210 --> 01:47:46,294
but it could be anybody.
1565
01:47:46,378 --> 01:47:47,879
Just need a big guy
with a flat top.
1566
01:47:47,963 --> 01:47:49,631
Could be Mel Gibson,
Dolph Lundgren...
1567
01:47:49,714 --> 01:47:52,133
Keira Knightley.
She's got range. Who knows.
1568
01:47:52,217 --> 01:47:53,635
Anyway, big secret. Shh...
1569
01:47:53,718 --> 01:47:55,637
Oh, and don't leave your
garbage all lying around.
1570
01:47:55,720 --> 01:47:58,181
It's a total dick move.
1571
01:47:59,140 --> 01:48:00,225
Go.
109233
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