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It must be so easy being Kerry.
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You ever seen a blobfish?
3
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They don't hunt for food, they don't
chase food, they don't even swim.
4
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They just float around with
their big mouths open
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waiting for food to waft into it.
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And I ain't much better, am I?
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I'm just a bit
of half-digested kelp,
8
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hanging out of her barnacle-ridden
arsehole, utterly miserable,
9
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just waiting for a big fart
to release me from this living hell.
10
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You know you need wind to fly that,don't you? Huh?
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You need to wind to fly that.
12
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Really?
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Oh, that's annoying.
14
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I left the village once.
15
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I ran away to join a cult.
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Well, it...
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People said it was a cult,it wasn't a cult,
18
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it was called the Sunshine People.
19
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Happy Band.
20
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It was good,
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because you wasn't allowed to seeyour family any more and that.
22
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But it wasn't so good,
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because they wouldn't let you go tothe toilet on your own or anything.
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And then one day, they saidI had to go to the dentist,
25
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because I had a stinking abscess.
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So I went off to the dentistand when I'd come back,
27
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they'd all killed themselveswithout telling me.
28
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So that was the end of that.
29
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I come back home.
30
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I still think about them, though.
Do you?
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# Sunshine people... #
32
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Jackass Club basically started
when me and Ker were at school,
33
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just doing stuff like drinking
Tipp-Ex and stuff.
34
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Like, doing mad stuff.
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Like falling through skylights.
36
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Stapling my ear to my neck.
37
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Drinking Tipp-Ex.
38
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Just mad stunts to make people
laugh, basically. Throwing...
39
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Hanging off monkey bars, tillall the blood runs out of your face.
40
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Upside down.
That's quite dangerous, that.
41
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I was Johnny Knoxville,
you were Steve-O.
42
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Yeah, I was definitely Steve-O,
43
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because I was, like,the maddest one out of the two.
44
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Slugs was the midget.
45
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We just got him to do any mad shit.
46
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Whoa!
47
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That's it.
48
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Jackass Club!
49
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Jackass Club.
50
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We don't care what we break.
51
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CLATTERING
52
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Sorry, Graham! Sorry, sorry!
That is so bad.
53
00:03:04,028 --> 00:03:07,032
That camera costs, like, 300 grand,doesn't it, Graham? Sorry.
54
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Because you're not insured for that,or are you?
55
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You are. All right, fine.
56
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:16,004
Sorry, Graham.
57
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Right. Bit nervous. Don't be. OK.
58
00:03:25,020 --> 00:03:27,008
So, which one do you wantto hear first?
59
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I've got Murder On The Dodgems,
60
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:32,004
Magic School orThe Happy Ticket Inspector.
61
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Happy... Happy Ticket Inspector.
62
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Right.
63
00:03:38,072 --> 00:03:41,096
The Happy Ticket Inspector,by Mandy Harris.
64
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Ahem.
65
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"Tickets, please," saidthe ticket inspector, annoyingly.
66
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"Blam," went the murderer's gun.
67
00:03:48,076 --> 00:03:51,024
"Oh, no,"said the ticket inspector's wife.
68
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"Blam," went the ticket inspector'swife's head.
69
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The happy ticket inspector stood up,still with his head blown off,
70
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and looked at his wife.
71
00:03:58,092 --> 00:04:01,088
"Why am I not dead?"said the ticket inspector.
72
00:04:01,088 --> 00:04:04,044
"Because we was bothghosts from the beginning,"
73
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said the happy ticketinspector's wife.
74
00:04:06,092 --> 00:04:10,044
"And this isn't just a normal bus,it's a haunted bus,
75
00:04:10,044 --> 00:04:13,020
"because we died in that bus fire,remember?"
76
00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:16,004
"I don't remember, no,"said the ticket inspector.
77
00:04:16,004 --> 00:04:19,032
"It was the same day whatAndy Murray won at Wimbledon,
78
00:04:19,032 --> 00:04:21,008
"ring any bells?"
79
00:04:21,008 --> 00:04:22,020
"Oh, yeah, I do remember,"
80
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said the dead happyticket inspector's ghost.
81
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And then some other twists here.The end.
82
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Lovely, lovely.
83
00:04:32,056 --> 00:04:33,080
Erm...
84
00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:36,080
I like the twist that they didn't...
85
00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:39,056
Well, one of them didn't realisethey were ghosts all along.
86
00:04:39,056 --> 00:04:42,072
Both of them were ghosts. Yeah.
87
00:04:42,072 --> 00:04:44,080
Really lovely. What's the...?
88
00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:46,060
What are the other two?
89
00:04:46,060 --> 00:04:49,056
I've got Murder On The Dodgemsor Magic School.
90
00:04:51,056 --> 00:04:54,008
Let's hear Magic School. All right.
91
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This is just notes for a workin progress. That's fine.
92
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Magic School (Notes),by Mandy Harris.
93
00:05:07,076 --> 00:05:10,048
There were three mates,one is with glasses,
94
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the other one is ginger,the other one is clever.
95
00:05:13,060 --> 00:05:17,036
Plus, one in a wheelchair, butit's not a big part of the story.
96
00:05:19,036 --> 00:05:21,080
They learned spellsand weren't good at first,
97
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but had to keep trying, becausethe teachers kept going on at them.
98
00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:29,008
The glasses one is the main one.
99
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He's the only one who can beatthe bad wizard, even though
100
00:05:32,020 --> 00:05:34,056
he doesn't look like he can do it.
101
00:05:34,056 --> 00:05:38,092
The school looks like olden times,but it is now.
102
00:05:38,092 --> 00:05:40,080
It's now. Mmm.
103
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,072
The wheelchair one dies very early,
104
00:05:42,072 --> 00:05:44,068
so really,it's just the three of them.
105
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Right.
106
00:05:48,020 --> 00:05:51,088
Yes, lovely, I... It feels...
107
00:05:51,088 --> 00:05:56,076
It feels...familiar in a reassuringsort of way, that story.
108
00:05:58,044 --> 00:06:01,092
I think this is a winner.
I think it's...
109
00:06:01,092 --> 00:06:05,092
It certainly feels like it hasa winning formula there, yes.
110
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And this is it.
111
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:14,076
Right here.
112
00:06:14,076 --> 00:06:15,080
This is what?
113
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My flat.
114
00:06:21,008 --> 00:06:23,000
It's grass.
115
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,096
Well, yeah, cos it hasn't
been built yet.
116
00:06:25,096 --> 00:06:28,008
Little thing called imagination,
Kerry.
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Because, look,
the front door will be here.
118
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And then you're straight into
the living room, you see? Yeah?
119
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On the wall here will be a canvas
with Al Pacino from Scarface,
120
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courtesy of Argos summer sale.
Nice. Right? Follow me.
121
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:46,036
You come through, bathroom's going
to be here. Walk in.
122
00:06:46,036 --> 00:06:49,052
And you're literally getting
punched in the face by the aroma
123
00:06:49,052 --> 00:06:51,060
of lavender, courtesy of my
Glade plug-in.
124
00:06:51,060 --> 00:06:54,020
With thanks to Home Bargains.
Ooh, I love lavender.
125
00:06:54,020 --> 00:06:58,020
Have you donea recce of the underearth?
126
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Just saying, because you don't wantto be building on a burial site
127
00:07:01,084 --> 00:07:04,000
and disturbing some dead Saxon.
128
00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:08,044
Kerry! You don't.
That's a bit far-fetched. It's not.
129
00:07:08,044 --> 00:07:11,016
No, they haven't let me
know about that.
130
00:07:11,016 --> 00:07:13,060
No, Kurtan, you don't need to worryabout that. You sure?
131
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You should phone them up. I'm surethey will have checked to see
132
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whether there was any archaeologicalsignificance on this site,
133
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and I'm sure there isn't.
134
00:07:21,068 --> 00:07:22,080
Where's your toilet?
135
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Over there.
136
00:07:25,048 --> 00:07:27,048
Do you mind?
137
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It's not built yet.
138
00:07:29,064 --> 00:07:32,060
But do you mind?
Kerry, can you just hold on?
139
00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:34,052
We'll go to the car and get you...
140
00:07:34,052 --> 00:07:36,088
If anything's going to fucking
disturb a dead Saxon,
141
00:07:36,088 --> 00:07:39,024
it's going to be your piss.
Can you just turn around?
142
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Thank you, I do appreciate it.
Oh, dear.
143
00:07:43,028 --> 00:07:44,056
Oh, dear. Right.
144
00:07:46,024 --> 00:07:50,004
It's not very nice for the builderswhen they come here, is it?
145
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I just... Can I own anything
without her pissing on it?
146
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That's so much better.
147
00:08:00,036 --> 00:08:03,016
Could you really not have waited?
No.
148
00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:04,028
Sake.
149
00:08:10,004 --> 00:08:13,092
I certainly think that honestyand trust
150
00:08:13,092 --> 00:08:18,040
are reallythe key themes in this story.
151
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:23,096
I would have to disagree and say Ithought vampires was the key theme.
152
00:08:23,096 --> 00:08:28,044
Well, books is a very new thingto me.
153
00:08:28,044 --> 00:08:31,088
Not so much Kayleigh, because you'vealways been a bookworm.
154
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But I'm just discovering,like, the love for it.
155
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And I'm literally,can sit in my armchair, open a book,
156
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and I'm transported to a differentworld. Which is what I love.
157
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I've been to Narnia,I've been to Hogwarts,
158
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I've been bullied by Snape,I've been on the Hogwarts Express.
159
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:55,004
I've had the sorting hat on my headso many times.
160
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But not physically -in my mind's eye.
161
00:09:00,012 --> 00:09:02,008
That was so good.
162
00:09:02,008 --> 00:09:05,040
You absolutely just droppedthe mic on that one.
163
00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:07,060
It's such a goodatmosphere at book club,
164
00:09:07,060 --> 00:09:12,072
because everyone's on the samemind link, would you say? Yeah.
165
00:09:12,072 --> 00:09:14,052
Like, everybody likes books,
166
00:09:14,052 --> 00:09:19,052
everybody has really interestingways how they approach the book.
167
00:09:19,052 --> 00:09:22,072
You know. Like, for example,there will be some times
168
00:09:22,072 --> 00:09:26,060
where people will say, "I findHarry Potter quite annoying."
169
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And I'm like, really?
170
00:09:28,016 --> 00:09:31,024
And they explain to me why,because he's quite whingy,
171
00:09:31,024 --> 00:09:33,028
and I'm like, I never saw that.
172
00:09:33,028 --> 00:09:36,048
And now I reread it withthat in mind and I'm like,
173
00:09:36,048 --> 00:09:39,016
"Yeah, he just plays the victima lot."
174
00:09:41,052 --> 00:09:43,072
Yeah, us Mucklowes have beendropping like flies
175
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the last few years.
176
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And we ain't reproducinglike we used to.
177
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Because our females are too lazy.
Yeah.
178
00:09:50,052 --> 00:09:53,008
And I reckonif we carry on like this, we've got
179
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about 30 years left till extinction.
Yeah.
180
00:09:56,044 --> 00:10:02,024
There'll be no bringing us back withmosquito DNA or whatnot. No.
181
00:10:02,024 --> 00:10:05,020
And I'm feeling the pressure
to carry on the bloodline.
182
00:10:05,020 --> 00:10:07,092
Can't exactly leave it
to Mr Tumble over here.
183
00:10:09,032 --> 00:10:15,076
Well, you say that, but Mr Tumblehas a net worth of 5.6 mill.
184
00:10:17,092 --> 00:10:19,020
How do you even know that?
185
00:10:20,092 --> 00:10:26,032
Just a sort of rough estimationof all his telly and live stuff.
186
00:10:29,032 --> 00:10:31,096
That actually makes me sick
when you think there's paramedics
187
00:10:31,096 --> 00:10:34,096
and nurses out there onminimum wage. Yeah.
188
00:10:34,096 --> 00:10:37,076
But laughter is also a medicine,to be fair.
189
00:10:39,016 --> 00:10:42,004
In a way. True. Very true.
190
00:10:48,084 --> 00:10:51,096
I remember the first time
we met the vicar,
191
00:10:51,096 --> 00:10:55,084
and it was when our headteacher,
Mr Matthews, made us go round
192
00:10:55,084 --> 00:10:58,068
the vicarage to knock on his door
to apologise to the vicar...
193
00:10:58,068 --> 00:11:03,032
Because we'd broken into the churchafter youth club
194
00:11:03,032 --> 00:11:06,012
and we got all the kneel cushions,the prayer cushions, and just
195
00:11:06,012 --> 00:11:10,060
stacked them up like a massive Jengaand then played Jenga with it.
196
00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:12,084
That was my idea.
197
00:11:12,084 --> 00:11:16,048
And I thought the vicar was going to
absolutely bollock us.
198
00:11:16,048 --> 00:11:18,060
Like, proper bollock us.
199
00:11:18,060 --> 00:11:20,076
But he just smiled.
200
00:11:20,076 --> 00:11:23,080
He was like, "No worries, guys,
do you want to come in?"
201
00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:25,068
We were like, "Yeah, obviously."
202
00:11:25,068 --> 00:11:28,064
And he was like, "I've just beenbaking some chocolate chip cookies,
203
00:11:28,064 --> 00:11:30,048
"would you like one witha glass of squash?"
204
00:11:30,048 --> 00:11:33,064
And I was like, "OK..."
205
00:11:33,064 --> 00:11:37,048
Yeah. And I remember watching him
with his little oven gloves on
206
00:11:37,048 --> 00:11:40,012
and his little pinny,
just pottering around the kitchen.
207
00:11:40,012 --> 00:11:42,024
And I remember thinking,
208
00:11:42,024 --> 00:11:46,040
"You have no idea the hell we're
going to be putting you through."
209
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:51,044
It's sort of weird, because everyonethat we had met before, like,
210
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:55,028
teachers and that, had alwayssort of given up on us, but he just
211
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kept coming back and coming back.
Yeah. He was indestructible.
212
00:11:58,088 --> 00:12:01,000
He was like Stretch Armstrong.
213
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:03,048
No matter far you stretch him
emotionally,
214
00:12:03,048 --> 00:12:05,044
he'd just ping right back.
215
00:12:05,044 --> 00:12:08,068
Sort of refreshing, in a way. Yeah.
216
00:12:08,068 --> 00:12:10,012
And addictive.
217
00:12:10,012 --> 00:12:11,068
Very addictive.
218
00:12:13,092 --> 00:12:17,092
Even more addictive thanBeehive Bedlam on the old Sky.
219
00:12:17,092 --> 00:12:22,000
And that was, like,crack cocaine to me. Mmm.
220
00:12:23,028 --> 00:12:26,004
You had a real problem with it.
Real bad problem, yeah.
221
00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:33,092
Do you think the vicar'sproud of us?
222
00:12:34,092 --> 00:12:36,020
Nah.
223
00:12:36,020 --> 00:12:37,056
He looks up to us.
224
00:12:37,056 --> 00:12:39,040
And I know that for a fact.
225
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:41,044
You know I started saying ker-ching
226
00:12:41,044 --> 00:12:43,060
when I see things I really
want to buy?
227
00:12:43,060 --> 00:12:46,040
Well, I heard him
say it at a boot sale
228
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:48,008
when he was looking at
a hand trowel.
229
00:12:48,008 --> 00:12:51,048
He does the same to me as well.
Does he? Well, you know...
230
00:12:51,048 --> 00:12:54,020
You lot know how muchI love Swindon, right?
231
00:12:54,020 --> 00:12:56,072
Every time I'm in the car withthe vicar
232
00:12:56,072 --> 00:12:59,092
and we drive past the sign thatsays "To Oxford",
233
00:12:59,092 --> 00:13:02,020
he goes, "Boo!" like that.
234
00:13:02,020 --> 00:13:06,004
And then he looks at me to seewhat my reaction is.
235
00:13:07,012 --> 00:13:10,072
He's sort of showing off to me,in a way.
236
00:13:10,072 --> 00:13:13,004
Do you think he is? Yeah.
237
00:13:14,036 --> 00:13:15,040
Same with me.
238
00:13:16,084 --> 00:13:18,004
Well, you know why he's never
239
00:13:18,004 --> 00:13:20,024
introduced us to his friends,
don't you?
240
00:13:20,024 --> 00:13:22,076
Oh, he's ashamed of his friends.
241
00:13:22,076 --> 00:13:24,060
No, because we're his only friends.
242
00:13:27,076 --> 00:13:30,020
Can't exactly introduce us to us,
can he?
243
00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:33,052
Suppose not, no.
244
00:13:39,044 --> 00:13:45,008
If somebody told you, when you were,like, 15,
245
00:13:45,008 --> 00:13:48,068
that one of your best mates would bea vicar, what would you do?
246
00:13:48,068 --> 00:13:51,052
Ooh, I don't know.
247
00:13:53,060 --> 00:13:55,000
Go to the police, probably.
248
00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:07,088
My physical heroes areAndre the Giant from WWF...
249
00:14:07,088 --> 00:14:11,044
..before they hadto change it to WWE,
250
00:14:11,044 --> 00:14:15,068
because they were upsettingthe World Wildlife Foundation.
251
00:14:15,068 --> 00:14:19,056
I just really like Andre the Giantas a sportsman,
252
00:14:19,056 --> 00:14:23,068
because of his heightand his strength.
253
00:14:23,068 --> 00:14:28,020
He was taller than any manthat I've ever known.
254
00:14:28,020 --> 00:14:32,016
He had gigantism, which is why
he was called Andre the Giant.
255
00:14:32,016 --> 00:14:36,052
So, when he was five, he was 6' 2",
256
00:14:36,052 --> 00:14:39,032
and all his classmates kept thinkinghe was a teacher.
257
00:14:41,056 --> 00:14:45,024
Yeah. He was in a lot of pain,
though. A lot of pain.
258
00:14:45,024 --> 00:14:48,012
If he was here now,
he'd be taller than the boom.
259
00:14:51,096 --> 00:14:53,040
He would.
260
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:57,072
Andre the Giant's most famousfight was probably with Hulk Hogan.
261
00:14:57,072 --> 00:15:01,096
It was a hard fight,because everybody was saying,
262
00:15:01,096 --> 00:15:05,048
"Andre the Giant's going toabsolutely power down Hulk."
263
00:15:09,056 --> 00:15:12,040
He didn't. No. Do you know why?
264
00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:14,032
Because...
265
00:15:14,032 --> 00:15:18,088
I found out, actually,after that, that it was theatre,
266
00:15:18,088 --> 00:15:21,016
so they planned that.
267
00:15:21,016 --> 00:15:24,092
So don't put bets on wrestling,for God's sake.
268
00:15:24,092 --> 00:15:28,036
It's a soap.
It's like EastEnders or Emmerdale.
269
00:15:28,036 --> 00:15:32,040
They're writing weeks ahead, so they
know already who's won Wrestlemania.
270
00:15:35,016 --> 00:15:37,012
Really? Yeah.
271
00:15:37,012 --> 00:15:41,016
And having to tell Ker that was the
hardest thing I've ever had to do.
272
00:15:42,032 --> 00:15:45,060
I still am in denial about it,to be fair.
273
00:15:45,060 --> 00:15:50,008
And I'd prefer itif we'd behave as if it's real.21699
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