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1
00:00:18,844 --> 00:00:20,455
Previously on Call Me Fitz.
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00:00:20,455 --> 00:00:22,718
You got yourself a
life sentence the second
3
00:00:22,718 --> 00:00:25,460
you whipped your dick out
of your pants Fitzpatrick.
4
00:00:25,460 --> 00:00:28,028
There's no escaping parenthood.
5
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,899
First they sabotauged
our insurance claim.
6
00:00:29,899 --> 00:00:31,944
Now they outbid us
on the new fleet.
7
00:00:31,944 --> 00:00:33,685
Someone is trying
to bring us down.
8
00:00:33,685 --> 00:00:35,339
Let me see
the little guy.
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00:00:35,339 --> 00:00:36,471
Free with
every purchase.
10
00:00:36,471 --> 00:00:38,690
You have got
beautiful eyes.
11
00:00:38,690 --> 00:00:39,604
[cash register bell]
12
00:00:39,604 --> 00:00:41,041
Just like your daddy.
13
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,085
We're rebranding.
14
00:00:42,085 --> 00:00:43,869
Fitzpatrick Family Motors.
15
00:00:43,869 --> 00:00:46,263
So now you
want the kid?
16
00:00:46,263 --> 00:00:49,397
I am all he has,
I am his home.
17
00:00:49,397 --> 00:00:52,008
I'll send a caseworker
for a home visit today.
18
00:00:52,008 --> 00:00:53,923
Where are we supposed to
find a house with no money,
19
00:00:53,923 --> 00:00:55,272
no one to vouch
for us and...
20
00:00:55,272 --> 00:00:56,230
No!
21
00:00:56,230 --> 00:00:57,361
What's my cut?
22
00:00:57,361 --> 00:00:59,755
Two hits of crank
and some lip balm?
23
00:00:59,755 --> 00:01:00,843
I gotta get the
dealership back
24
00:01:00,843 --> 00:01:01,887
on track.
25
00:01:01,887 --> 00:01:04,020
And this kid,
he's our angle.
26
00:01:05,456 --> 00:01:07,197
So we're a fucking
family, now what?
27
00:01:10,983 --> 00:01:13,986
Shockingly, everything
seems to be in order.
28
00:01:13,986 --> 00:01:15,423
We'll see you next week.
29
00:01:16,902 --> 00:01:17,990
[gasp]
30
00:01:17,990 --> 00:01:19,383
What do you
mean next week?
31
00:01:19,383 --> 00:01:21,081
Court ordered visits
for the first six months.
32
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,779
All Fitzpatricks
in the same home.
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00:01:23,779 --> 00:01:26,738
So we can keep
an eye on you.
34
00:01:31,874 --> 00:01:42,406
♪ A choir hums
A Closer Walk With Thee ♪
35
00:01:42,406 --> 00:01:45,148
Times like this,
a man can't help but think
36
00:01:45,148 --> 00:01:47,846
the Good Book had it right.
37
00:01:47,846 --> 00:01:51,285
You know, the part with the
raping and the pillaging,
38
00:01:51,285 --> 00:01:55,158
where the wolf screws the lamb
and the leopard blows the lion -
39
00:01:55,158 --> 00:01:57,943
Or however the fuck that goes.
40
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:03,166
Anyway, the one that
ends with the kid.
41
00:02:03,166 --> 00:02:06,822
The kid that shall lead them.
42
00:02:06,822 --> 00:02:10,173
I know exactly how the
old man upstairs felt.
43
00:02:10,173 --> 00:02:14,438
Because this little shit-
dispenser is gonna lead me
44
00:02:14,438 --> 00:02:17,267
to cold,
hard cash.
45
00:02:20,749 --> 00:02:22,403
[laughs]
46
00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:32,021
[♪ ♪]
47
00:02:32,021 --> 00:02:34,328
I told you this
family-friendly crap
48
00:02:34,328 --> 00:02:35,894
was an ass move.
49
00:02:42,553 --> 00:02:46,122
Fuck.
50
00:02:46,122 --> 00:02:50,822
[♪ ♪]
51
00:02:50,822 --> 00:02:57,002
♪ Without you
I'd find my smile ♪
52
00:02:57,002 --> 00:03:02,269
♪ Without you
I'd'a won by a mile ♪
53
00:03:02,269 --> 00:03:08,231
♪ Without you
Oh life would be so grand ♪
54
00:03:08,231 --> 00:03:13,236
♪ Without you
I'm half a man ♪
55
00:03:13,236 --> 00:03:16,674
♪ With out you
56
00:03:18,937 --> 00:03:24,421
♪ Without youuu
57
00:03:24,421 --> 00:03:27,424
♪ Without you.
58
00:03:33,691 --> 00:03:35,258
You think you're
having a tough day?
59
00:03:35,258 --> 00:03:37,869
Some asshole painted
over my billboard
60
00:03:37,869 --> 00:03:39,741
with a glory hole ad.
61
00:03:39,741 --> 00:03:41,917
Yeah, we never owned
that billboard, dude.
62
00:03:41,917 --> 00:03:43,266
Listen up,
you back-waxing wop.
63
00:03:43,266 --> 00:03:44,963
I'm Ken goddamned
Fitzpatrick!
64
00:03:44,963 --> 00:03:48,706
You think I can't
unload these shitboxes?
65
00:03:48,706 --> 00:03:50,795
Oh yeah?
66
00:03:50,795 --> 00:03:52,841
Nobody hangs up on--
67
00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:57,280
This loan shark is
balls deep in my ass
68
00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:59,674
and your little bastard's
coming up donuts.
69
00:03:59,674 --> 00:04:01,328
It's a baby's fault
your geriatric ass
70
00:04:01,328 --> 00:04:02,720
can't run a
fucking business?
71
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:03,939
No,
it's yours.
72
00:04:03,939 --> 00:04:05,332
The dick trap who
came up with this
73
00:04:05,332 --> 00:04:06,768
family angle.
74
00:04:06,768 --> 00:04:09,945
Now we've got a fleet
of twat boxes to unload.
75
00:04:09,945 --> 00:04:12,513
Ah, sorry
as you were.
76
00:04:12,513 --> 00:04:15,342
Relax, I know what
I'm fucking doing.
77
00:04:15,342 --> 00:04:17,300
Look, we ran our old
place off a cheapskates,
78
00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:20,477
and getaway cars,
and premium scrap.
79
00:04:20,477 --> 00:04:21,783
What the hell do
you know about
80
00:04:21,783 --> 00:04:23,350
pushing a
family angle?
81
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:26,178
I know this--
if the moms won't
82
00:04:26,178 --> 00:04:28,659
come to Fitzy,
Fitzy will come
83
00:04:28,659 --> 00:04:30,705
to the moms...
84
00:04:30,705 --> 00:04:31,793
Ah, man again?
85
00:04:31,793 --> 00:04:32,663
[baby giggles]
86
00:04:34,578 --> 00:04:36,406
I don't know why
you're talking to me.
87
00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:37,929
I already told you
Richard is the one
88
00:04:37,929 --> 00:04:39,017
who needs help.
89
00:04:39,017 --> 00:04:42,064
Look, I know he can
be a good father.
90
00:04:42,064 --> 00:04:43,239
He just...
91
00:04:43,239 --> 00:04:44,675
he's got problems.
92
00:04:44,675 --> 00:04:46,764
Oh, he's got
problems?
93
00:04:46,764 --> 00:04:49,114
This guy thinks he
can eat styrofoam.
94
00:04:49,114 --> 00:04:53,075
Here's a woman enjoys
coitus with lawn ornaments.
95
00:04:53,075 --> 00:04:55,730
This next one he's a
compulsive finger-licker,
96
00:04:55,730 --> 00:04:57,558
but not his own,
and the last guy
97
00:04:57,558 --> 00:04:58,907
I interviewed,
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00:04:58,907 --> 00:05:01,779
took a shit in
that chair.
99
00:05:04,086 --> 00:05:05,783
Well, ah,
I assure you
100
00:05:05,783 --> 00:05:09,178
I am one hundred
percent sane, mister.
101
00:05:09,178 --> 00:05:11,136
Oh, I'm sorry,
this court-ordered
102
00:05:11,136 --> 00:05:13,661
psych evaluation
must be wrong.
103
00:05:13,661 --> 00:05:15,402
It, it says here you
need to have your
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00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:18,709
mentally-unbalanced
ass assessed or you get
105
00:05:18,709 --> 00:05:23,018
detained for being
a threat to a kid.
106
00:05:23,018 --> 00:05:24,846
I'm not the one who
left a dead grandmother
107
00:05:24,846 --> 00:05:26,326
in the basement!
108
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:27,501
We checked.
109
00:05:27,501 --> 00:05:31,331
Zero dead grandmother,
one ranting lunatic.
110
00:05:32,549 --> 00:05:33,855
I was angry.
111
00:05:33,855 --> 00:05:35,813
Who then proceeded to
strip down to his underwear.
112
00:05:35,813 --> 00:05:36,771
And warm.
113
00:05:36,771 --> 00:05:39,077
Polyesters
make me damp.
114
00:05:39,077 --> 00:05:40,427
Sit your ass
down, chief,
115
00:05:40,427 --> 00:05:43,647
let me run through this
checklist of questions.
116
00:05:43,647 --> 00:05:45,823
Look, don't say
anything stupid for
117
00:05:45,823 --> 00:05:47,608
the next sixty seconds
and we'll both get
118
00:05:47,608 --> 00:05:49,740
the hell out
of here.
119
00:05:49,740 --> 00:05:51,089
Don't worry.
120
00:05:51,089 --> 00:05:54,136
I am emotionally and
psychologically solvent...
121
00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:55,746
Which isn't easy
when you're the living,
122
00:05:55,746 --> 00:05:58,923
breathing embodiment of
another man's conscience.
123
00:06:01,012 --> 00:06:03,014
Fuck you, Monday.
124
00:06:03,014 --> 00:06:21,468
[♪ ♪]
125
00:06:21,468 --> 00:06:23,861
You smoke in front of
your kid, asshole?
126
00:06:23,861 --> 00:06:25,297
Lucky for him my
windows were open,
127
00:06:25,297 --> 00:06:27,474
thanks to my
half-tint Power Glides:
128
00:06:27,474 --> 00:06:29,563
Ventilation at the
touch of a button.
129
00:06:29,563 --> 00:06:30,738
Who the fuck
are you?
130
00:06:30,738 --> 00:06:32,783
Richard Fitzpatrick,
president and CEO of
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00:06:32,783 --> 00:06:35,307
Fitzpatrick Motors,
the finest selection of
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00:06:35,307 --> 00:06:37,353
pre-owned family
friendly vehicles
133
00:06:37,353 --> 00:06:38,702
this side of Detroit.
134
00:06:38,702 --> 00:06:39,921
A used car salesman.
135
00:06:39,921 --> 00:06:42,097
Woah, woah, woah,
that is no ordinary
136
00:06:42,097 --> 00:06:44,578
pre-owned vehicle,
it also comes with a
137
00:06:44,578 --> 00:06:46,318
gift certificate
to Chuck E. Cheese.
138
00:06:46,318 --> 00:06:48,582
Please don't tell me
that place still exists.
139
00:06:48,582 --> 00:06:50,410
My kid had nightmares
for months.
140
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:51,759
Singing mice.
141
00:06:51,759 --> 00:06:53,717
Hey it's cheap,
employs hot coeds
142
00:06:53,717 --> 00:06:55,502
and serves bottomless
moo juice.
143
00:06:55,502 --> 00:06:56,851
Cow milk?
144
00:06:56,851 --> 00:06:58,287
Soleil gets only
free-range goat.
145
00:06:58,287 --> 00:06:59,767
Or almond,
which I import from
146
00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:00,811
an organic farm -
147
00:07:00,811 --> 00:07:02,683
You see, we have
so much in common.
148
00:07:02,683 --> 00:07:04,467
I too am a new parent,
struggling to
149
00:07:04,467 --> 00:07:06,208
raise my child.
150
00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:11,822
I was CEO of a
Fortune 500 company,
151
00:07:11,822 --> 00:07:12,910
you want to
impress me?
152
00:07:12,910 --> 00:07:15,478
Show up in
a Learjet.
153
00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:18,481
Feisty.
154
00:07:18,481 --> 00:07:19,656
Fitzy like.
155
00:07:21,832 --> 00:07:24,052
Another dad called
me feisty once,
156
00:07:24,052 --> 00:07:25,749
and we all know what
happened to him.
157
00:07:25,749 --> 00:07:30,624
[mean laughter]
158
00:07:30,624 --> 00:07:32,626
You think that's
goddamn funny?
159
00:07:32,626 --> 00:07:33,670
No.
160
00:07:35,629 --> 00:07:36,673
Using a precious,
innocent life force
161
00:07:36,673 --> 00:07:38,632
to sell scrap
metal deathtraps?
162
00:07:38,632 --> 00:07:40,851
How dare you spit
on the happiest moment
163
00:07:40,851 --> 00:07:43,332
of my life!!!
164
00:07:43,332 --> 00:07:44,855
[tires squeal]
165
00:07:47,554 --> 00:07:49,207
So you live
inside the mind
166
00:07:49,207 --> 00:07:51,340
of a used
car salesman.
167
00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:52,602
Pre-owned!
168
00:07:52,602 --> 00:07:55,257
It's not that difficult
to understand.
169
00:07:55,257 --> 00:07:57,085
Richard lacks
a moral compass,
170
00:07:57,085 --> 00:07:59,217
so I provide him
with direction.
171
00:07:59,217 --> 00:08:00,305
Helpful hints.
172
00:08:00,305 --> 00:08:04,309
Like hangover cures
for the soul.
173
00:08:04,309 --> 00:08:06,094
So how does this
tie into your one man
174
00:08:06,094 --> 00:08:07,661
naked conga-line?
175
00:08:07,661 --> 00:08:10,533
Look, every man has
his limits, okay,
176
00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:12,404
and mine happens to be
finding the remains of
177
00:08:12,404 --> 00:08:15,625
a dead grandmother
neglected in a basement.
178
00:08:15,625 --> 00:08:19,020
Oh goody, he's deflecting
back to the grandmother.
179
00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:20,674
Let's talk about
this so called
180
00:08:20,674 --> 00:08:22,589
"Grandmother."
181
00:08:22,589 --> 00:08:24,634
Don't you air-quote
me, mister!
182
00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:25,983
She was real!
183
00:08:25,983 --> 00:08:28,638
You need to
quit yelling.
184
00:08:28,638 --> 00:08:31,685
Okay.
185
00:08:31,685 --> 00:08:33,077
Or at least she
was real.
186
00:08:33,077 --> 00:08:35,776
Maybe she's a manifestation
of your own loneliness.
187
00:08:35,776 --> 00:08:37,560
Ever think of
that one ace?
188
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:39,475
I mean what if,
and I'm going out
189
00:08:39,475 --> 00:08:42,870
on a limb here,
nobody likes ya?
190
00:08:44,611 --> 00:08:46,090
That's not
very nice.
191
00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:49,354
Richard
likes me.
192
00:08:49,354 --> 00:08:50,834
Or at least,
he used to.
193
00:08:50,834 --> 00:08:53,794
And the wrapper comes
off the nutbar.
194
00:08:53,794 --> 00:08:55,970
So tell me,
what's changed over at
195
00:08:55,970 --> 00:08:58,842
Functional
Family HQ?
196
00:08:58,842 --> 00:08:59,930
Nothing.
197
00:08:59,930 --> 00:09:01,410
Everything's fine.
198
00:09:03,717 --> 00:09:06,720
What could possibly
have changed?
199
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,069
Fuck!
200
00:09:08,069 --> 00:09:09,984
When did new moms
become sushi-eating,
201
00:09:09,984 --> 00:09:11,812
home-schooling,
yoga sluts?
202
00:09:11,812 --> 00:09:13,727
They don't make them
like they used to, baby.
203
00:09:13,727 --> 00:09:14,728
What the fuck do
those entitled skanks
204
00:09:14,728 --> 00:09:16,077
know about
parenting anyway?
205
00:09:16,077 --> 00:09:17,644
I mean I do
my time.
206
00:09:17,644 --> 00:09:20,298
I wipe this little
turd-monkey's ass.
207
00:09:20,298 --> 00:09:21,604
It's not like he pulls
his weight around here.
208
00:09:21,604 --> 00:09:23,432
Fucker doesn't even
like my jokes.
209
00:09:23,432 --> 00:09:25,216
What's the matter,
little Fitzy?
210
00:09:25,216 --> 00:09:27,218
Can't function without
your homo friend?
211
00:09:27,218 --> 00:09:28,480
Fuck Larry.
212
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:30,526
AWOL just like this
little shit's mother.
213
00:09:33,790 --> 00:09:35,009
Ugh, why does this
taste like ass?
214
00:09:35,009 --> 00:09:36,750
It's cheese spread
on crackers
215
00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:37,838
it's a summer classic.
216
00:09:37,838 --> 00:09:38,882
What summer?
217
00:09:39,448 --> 00:09:40,580
1984.
218
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,059
Alright,
you want to keep
219
00:09:42,059 --> 00:09:43,191
living here
rent free?
220
00:09:43,191 --> 00:09:44,148
You better start
earning it.
221
00:09:44,148 --> 00:09:45,019
Up the snacks.
222
00:09:45,019 --> 00:09:46,150
And you.
223
00:09:46,150 --> 00:09:46,803
Do you think it's
easy to pull this
224
00:09:46,803 --> 00:09:48,413
shit-train solo?
225
00:09:48,413 --> 00:09:50,415
Don't be such
a pussy.
226
00:09:50,415 --> 00:09:51,634
You let a bunch of
moms throw you
227
00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:53,027
out of the playground.
228
00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:54,681
Just like in third grade
when that little redhead
229
00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:55,899
stole your smokes
and left you crying
230
00:09:55,899 --> 00:09:58,032
on the ground with
your thumb up your ass.
231
00:09:58,032 --> 00:09:59,686
She weighed two
hundred pounds!
232
00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:02,427
You never could face
up to strong women.
233
00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:08,172
Two words Mom:
Fuck, followed by you.
234
00:10:08,172 --> 00:10:09,260
Your daddy is
scared of
235
00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:10,697
strong women.
236
00:10:10,697 --> 00:10:13,134
Did you know
that baby?
237
00:10:13,134 --> 00:10:14,744
Get out of my
room asshole!
238
00:10:14,744 --> 00:10:15,832
MOM!!!
239
00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:17,486
Goddammnit!
240
00:10:17,486 --> 00:10:20,620
You even lost your
room to a girl.
241
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:23,579
[laughter]
242
00:10:23,579 --> 00:10:26,451
[tires screech]
243
00:10:26,451 --> 00:10:29,585
Well, if it isn't
Power Glide.
244
00:10:29,585 --> 00:10:31,413
I thought you ran
home to mommy.
245
00:10:31,413 --> 00:10:33,502
Did not.
246
00:10:33,502 --> 00:10:35,678
I'm late
for Pilates.
247
00:10:37,462 --> 00:10:39,116
You think you
can bully me?
248
00:10:39,116 --> 00:10:41,771
Think again,
you latte-guzzling,
249
00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:44,034
mommy-blogging
Spanx-monkey.
250
00:10:44,034 --> 00:10:46,515
I'm not the
enemy here.
251
00:10:46,515 --> 00:10:48,212
THEY ARE!
252
00:10:48,212 --> 00:10:49,736
I took a bite of my hangover
burrito this morning
253
00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:52,913
while changing this asshole's
diaper and I tasted
254
00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:55,089
actual human shit.
255
00:10:55,089 --> 00:10:56,917
I was so bagged last
night from his wailing
256
00:10:56,917 --> 00:11:00,485
that I only whacked off once,
and I didn't even care
257
00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:02,618
because I am
no longer human.
258
00:11:02,618 --> 00:11:04,054
I am a twenty-four-
hour slave
259
00:11:04,054 --> 00:11:08,145
to a shit-producing,
ear-busting carpet grub.
260
00:11:08,145 --> 00:11:11,671
So fuck your vegan bullshit
baby food and your
261
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,585
desk-humping husband.
262
00:11:13,585 --> 00:11:18,765
This parent shit is like
sticking your dick in a vice.
263
00:11:21,463 --> 00:11:22,507
Not that I did.
264
00:11:22,507 --> 00:11:23,378
But I'm willing to
give it a try
265
00:11:23,378 --> 00:11:25,597
if that's
your thing.
266
00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:28,775
Wait!
267
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:33,127
You're wrong
about me.
268
00:11:33,127 --> 00:11:34,694
My fucking kid's
spoiled rotten,
269
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,043
my fucking husband's
screwing his
270
00:11:36,043 --> 00:11:38,480
dental hygienist,
and I was once a
271
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:39,960
captain of industry.
272
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:43,398
I ran Ironman's,
and I had a coot so tight
273
00:11:43,398 --> 00:11:46,314
I could open a Corona
through my J-Brands.
274
00:11:46,314 --> 00:11:49,360
Now my tits are destroyed,
my ass is like a
275
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,841
fucking waffle cone
and I haven't been laid
276
00:11:51,841 --> 00:11:53,843
in eight months.
277
00:11:53,843 --> 00:11:56,237
Do I need a third trip
to the playground today?
278
00:11:56,237 --> 00:11:57,629
No, I do not.
279
00:11:57,629 --> 00:12:01,416
What I need is a stiff drink,
and a stiffer dick.
280
00:12:01,416 --> 00:12:04,724
I need some motherfucking
me time!
281
00:12:07,814 --> 00:12:12,862
Yes, yes, DOUBLE-SCOOP
FOR MOMMY'S
282
00:12:12,862 --> 00:12:15,169
WAFFLE CONE!!
283
00:12:15,169 --> 00:12:15,909
Yeah, yeah!
284
00:12:15,909 --> 00:12:17,780
Yes! Oh!
285
00:12:17,780 --> 00:12:18,825
YES!
286
00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:32,360
[♪ ♪]
287
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:33,753
How's that for
knowing your customer,
288
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:35,929
you festering
cum-sock?
289
00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:39,933
Where the fuck
are all the cars?
290
00:12:39,933 --> 00:12:41,673
The customer fairy
came and bought
291
00:12:41,673 --> 00:12:44,111
them all up at
twice the book rate.
292
00:12:44,111 --> 00:12:46,591
What the fuck do you
think happened, dicktard?
293
00:12:46,591 --> 00:12:47,767
They were repossessed.
294
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,725
I leave you alone for
three fucking hours
295
00:12:49,725 --> 00:12:51,640
and you get us repo'd
by a loan shark?
296
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,033
They showed up with a
transport truck full of
297
00:12:53,033 --> 00:12:55,687
muscle while you were busy
greasing your joint.
298
00:12:55,687 --> 00:12:57,559
Once again I got to
bail out your
299
00:12:57,559 --> 00:12:58,386
senile ass.
300
00:12:58,386 --> 00:13:00,214
Give me the
fucking phone.
301
00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:02,216
It's in
the office.
302
00:13:02,216 --> 00:13:15,403
[♪ ♪]
303
00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:16,012
Fuck.
304
00:13:16,012 --> 00:13:23,498
[♪ ♪]
305
00:13:23,498 --> 00:13:23,933
Bourbon.
306
00:13:23,933 --> 00:13:25,021
Scotch.
307
00:13:25,021 --> 00:13:25,587
Vodka.
308
00:13:25,587 --> 00:13:27,110
Hey, Deja vu.
309
00:13:27,110 --> 00:13:30,331
Is an album by Crosby,
Stills, Nash and Young,
310
00:13:30,331 --> 00:13:32,202
as neither of us
have ever seen
311
00:13:32,202 --> 00:13:33,813
these people before.
312
00:13:35,423 --> 00:13:36,293
Way to drop the
anvil old man.
313
00:13:36,293 --> 00:13:37,468
What the hell kinda
loan shark
314
00:13:37,468 --> 00:13:38,513
are you dealing with?
315
00:13:38,513 --> 00:13:40,123
Someone on this
strip is trying
316
00:13:40,123 --> 00:13:41,298
to fuck our dealership.
317
00:13:41,298 --> 00:13:42,517
This means war!
318
00:13:42,517 --> 00:13:44,301
We've got forty-eight
hours to find 5-K,
319
00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:45,476
or our trailer's
going to end up
320
00:13:45,476 --> 00:13:46,913
in a chop shop.
321
00:13:53,571 --> 00:13:54,572
Hello,
322
00:14:00,752 --> 00:14:01,710
Ladies.
323
00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:02,667
Well, well.
324
00:14:02,667 --> 00:14:04,321
We were just
talking about you.
325
00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:05,757
Kendra here could
use a little
326
00:14:05,757 --> 00:14:07,629
"me time" herself.
327
00:14:07,629 --> 00:14:10,066
I like women who
speak fluent Fitz.
328
00:14:10,066 --> 00:14:11,938
One at a time,
or have you learned
329
00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:13,417
how to share?
330
00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:16,594
Three bills.
331
00:14:16,594 --> 00:14:17,552
Excuse me?
332
00:14:17,552 --> 00:14:18,901
This is a private conversation.
333
00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:19,859
Save it.
334
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,164
You want a little
Fitzy action?
335
00:14:21,164 --> 00:14:22,296
Cough it up.
336
00:14:22,296 --> 00:14:24,428
Mom!
337
00:14:24,428 --> 00:14:25,255
Two.
338
00:14:25,255 --> 00:14:27,736
Two-fifty,
money up front.
339
00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:39,095
You'll get your me
time tomorrow at 2.
340
00:14:39,095 --> 00:14:42,882
And be sure and tell
all your friends.
341
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:48,670
What the fuck
was that?
342
00:14:48,670 --> 00:14:49,758
Have I taught
you nothing?
343
00:14:49,758 --> 00:14:52,674
When opportunity knocks,
you let it in,
344
00:14:52,674 --> 00:14:54,806
you get it drunk,
and you fuck it with
345
00:14:54,806 --> 00:14:57,331
a strap-on until
its ears bleed.
346
00:14:57,331 --> 00:14:59,942
Yeah, well profit
is all about volume.
347
00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:02,292
And little shit here
has only got one dick.
348
00:15:02,292 --> 00:15:03,467
On a good day.
349
00:15:03,467 --> 00:15:04,468
Fuck you!
350
00:15:04,468 --> 00:15:05,861
That's always been
your problem.
351
00:15:05,861 --> 00:15:06,775
You think small.
352
00:15:06,775 --> 00:15:08,298
This isn't just
about sex.
353
00:15:08,298 --> 00:15:10,648
Those broads are
all kinds of deprived.
354
00:15:10,648 --> 00:15:12,215
You want to make
money to get your
355
00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:13,216
dealership back?
356
00:15:13,216 --> 00:15:16,176
Here's how it's
gonna roll...
357
00:15:17,612 --> 00:15:19,744
OK, first we get the
word out for a
358
00:15:19,744 --> 00:15:21,050
one-time-only event...
359
00:15:21,050 --> 00:15:24,358
Now I've got the digs,
so I get fifty percent
360
00:15:24,358 --> 00:15:25,968
of the house.
361
00:15:25,968 --> 00:15:28,666
Our cover is a
babysitting service.
362
00:15:28,666 --> 00:15:31,713
I'll watch the little
shits while you clowns
363
00:15:31,713 --> 00:15:33,671
get down to business.
364
00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:35,673
And by business,
I mean pampering
365
00:15:35,673 --> 00:15:37,458
the hell out of their
spoiled asses at
366
00:15:37,458 --> 00:15:42,028
a hundred and fifty per cent
over fair market value.
367
00:15:42,028 --> 00:15:44,334
A guilt-free paradise.
368
00:15:44,334 --> 00:15:47,685
Whatever they want:
Korean foot massage,
369
00:15:47,685 --> 00:15:53,735
crantinis, a couple of lines,
a quickie with numbnuts,
370
00:15:53,735 --> 00:15:55,519
butter...
371
00:15:55,519 --> 00:15:57,086
Brothel with a twist.
372
00:15:57,086 --> 00:15:58,609
As long as we
keep the heat off.
373
00:15:58,609 --> 00:16:01,612
And I'm not talking
about the cops.
374
00:16:01,612 --> 00:16:05,529
Oh my golly.
375
00:16:05,529 --> 00:16:07,531
Maybe I'm jealous.
376
00:16:07,531 --> 00:16:09,577
I used to be the
most important person
377
00:16:09,577 --> 00:16:10,578
in Richard's life.
378
00:16:12,101 --> 00:16:13,755
What's so great
about a baby?
379
00:16:13,755 --> 00:16:16,105
I don't know,
ask your parents.
380
00:16:16,105 --> 00:16:17,498
Oh wait,
you don't have any,
381
00:16:17,498 --> 00:16:19,630
because you're a living,
breathing conscience.
382
00:16:19,630 --> 00:16:21,981
That baby doesn't
even respect me.
383
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:25,375
It makes me feel
as if I don't count.
384
00:16:25,375 --> 00:16:27,769
Can you even imagine
what that feels like?
385
00:16:27,769 --> 00:16:29,684
Really?
386
00:16:29,684 --> 00:16:32,382
Do you know what
I do every day?
387
00:16:32,382 --> 00:16:35,733
Just sit here and listen
to asshole after asshole
388
00:16:35,733 --> 00:16:39,476
talk about their
self-created problems.
389
00:16:39,476 --> 00:16:41,565
Which must
be horrible.
390
00:16:44,916 --> 00:16:48,050
How's that make
you feel Leonard?
391
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:49,747
Are-are you
alright Leonard?
392
00:16:49,747 --> 00:16:52,576
Are those tones of
isolation I'm reading?
393
00:16:52,576 --> 00:16:55,710
This sessions over.
394
00:16:55,710 --> 00:16:57,277
No, no, no,
no it's not.
395
00:16:57,277 --> 00:16:58,800
I think we're just
getting started.
396
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:01,890
Projection,
perhaps, Leonard?
397
00:17:01,890 --> 00:17:03,892
One man manifesting
his loneliness?
398
00:17:03,892 --> 00:17:06,025
That doesn't even
make any sense!
399
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:08,636
And you know nothing
about my situation.
400
00:17:08,636 --> 00:17:10,725
Which is why it's so
great that we can build
401
00:17:10,725 --> 00:17:12,292
this bridge together.
402
00:17:13,380 --> 00:17:16,165
How about a little
therapy Leonard,
403
00:17:16,165 --> 00:17:22,867
or "Larrapy,"
if you will?
404
00:17:22,867 --> 00:17:24,434
Talk to me.
405
00:17:30,571 --> 00:17:31,572
Why the fuck didn't
anybody tell me
406
00:17:31,572 --> 00:17:32,877
they were going out?
407
00:17:32,877 --> 00:17:35,228
Just a little
Sunday drive.
408
00:17:35,228 --> 00:17:36,533
Sunday dri-
409
00:17:36,533 --> 00:17:37,752
Last time we went on
a Sunday drive is when
410
00:17:37,752 --> 00:17:38,666
you got that Vegas
wake-up call and we
411
00:17:38,666 --> 00:17:40,494
had to bury
that barista.
412
00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:41,669
Who's in there?
413
00:17:41,669 --> 00:17:43,627
None of your
fucking business.
414
00:17:43,627 --> 00:17:45,455
We're just having
a little party.
415
00:17:45,455 --> 00:17:46,804
[ankle bracelet beeps]
416
00:17:46,804 --> 00:17:50,504
Crap!
417
00:17:50,504 --> 00:17:54,899
Stogies, gummy worms, bleach...
418
00:17:54,899 --> 00:17:56,423
a brothel scam!
419
00:17:56,423 --> 00:17:57,206
I want in.
420
00:17:57,206 --> 00:17:58,860
No fucking way.
421
00:17:58,860 --> 00:18:00,601
You need my room,
don't you?
422
00:18:00,601 --> 00:18:01,254
Fuck!
423
00:18:01,254 --> 00:18:02,081
Ten per cent.
424
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:02,994
Twenty.
425
00:18:02,994 --> 00:18:03,734
Twelve.
426
00:18:03,734 --> 00:18:04,344
Eighteen.
427
00:18:04,344 --> 00:18:05,171
Ten.
428
00:18:05,171 --> 00:18:05,954
You're going
down again.
429
00:18:05,954 --> 00:18:07,086
You're pissing
me off.
430
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,261
Fine.
431
00:18:08,261 --> 00:18:11,046
But I get to DJ.
432
00:18:11,046 --> 00:18:12,047
Yes!
433
00:18:12,047 --> 00:18:30,413
[♪ ♪]
434
00:18:30,413 --> 00:18:32,372
You're next sweetheart
435
00:18:32,372 --> 00:18:41,337
[♪ ♪]
436
00:18:41,337 --> 00:18:44,166
Ladies, we have a
duck with rhubarb chutney,
437
00:18:44,166 --> 00:18:46,690
pan seared scallops with
strawberry and bacon,
438
00:18:46,690 --> 00:18:49,171
and a little thing I like
to call Joshy's Surprise.
439
00:18:49,171 --> 00:18:51,826
Just get us another
round of mommy juice,
440
00:18:51,826 --> 00:18:53,088
would you
sweetheart?
441
00:18:53,088 --> 00:18:54,611
What's in the
last one?
442
00:18:54,611 --> 00:18:57,136
Let's just say it
rhymes with weenis.
443
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:58,093
Oh I know.
444
00:18:58,093 --> 00:18:59,921
No, don't, no.
445
00:18:59,921 --> 00:19:01,314
Nice ass.
446
00:19:03,011 --> 00:19:04,012
[laughs]
447
00:19:05,361 --> 00:19:06,797
[sighs heavily]
448
00:19:08,669 --> 00:19:10,410
Hey.
449
00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:12,063
Dodge Caravan, right?
450
00:19:12,063 --> 00:19:13,587
Good memory.
451
00:19:13,587 --> 00:19:15,545
Yeah, later's baby.
452
00:19:21,029 --> 00:19:23,118
Give me a double
of pick-me-up.
453
00:19:23,118 --> 00:19:24,772
Oh, you tapped
out already?
454
00:19:24,772 --> 00:19:27,601
Even Muhammad Ali
needed some down time.
455
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:30,299
Well, if you're
floating like a butterfly
456
00:19:30,299 --> 00:19:33,215
not stinging like a bee,
I could stand in for ya.
457
00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:34,216
You couldn't get it
up with a crane,
458
00:19:34,216 --> 00:19:35,391
old man.
459
00:19:35,391 --> 00:19:36,784
Listen gherkin-dick.
460
00:19:36,784 --> 00:19:38,742
I've got a love pump
that'll make Milton Berle
461
00:19:38,742 --> 00:19:40,483
look like a girl.
462
00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:42,050
You really think
any of these moms would
463
00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:44,574
pay to see your tiny,
shriveled man-meat?
464
00:19:44,574 --> 00:19:47,577
Oh yeah.
465
00:19:47,577 --> 00:19:50,841
You call this
puppy shriveled???
466
00:19:50,841 --> 00:19:52,843
WHO WANTS SOME
OLD SPICE!
467
00:19:52,843 --> 00:20:00,895
[♪ ♪]
468
00:20:02,592 --> 00:20:06,248
I bust my ass
fourteen hours a day,
469
00:20:06,248 --> 00:20:08,337
and for what?
470
00:20:08,337 --> 00:20:11,253
Forty-four grand a
year before tax,
471
00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:14,169
free paper clips,
and a gift certificate
472
00:20:14,169 --> 00:20:16,824
to Olive Garden
come Christmas.
473
00:20:16,824 --> 00:20:18,478
You give and you
give and you give,
474
00:20:18,478 --> 00:20:19,566
and no one
ever thanks you.
475
00:20:19,566 --> 00:20:20,697
I hear you Leonard.
476
00:20:20,697 --> 00:20:22,656
You see this
painting, Larry?
477
00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:23,918
Yeah.
478
00:20:23,918 --> 00:20:26,616
I used to look at this
and see my dream ship.
479
00:20:26,616 --> 00:20:29,880
Now, I realize
that painting
480
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,447
is the point
of view of a
481
00:20:31,447 --> 00:20:34,145
man drowning
at sea.
482
00:20:34,145 --> 00:20:36,670
It's a sea
of shit, Larry.
483
00:20:38,193 --> 00:20:42,589
All I ever wanted to
do was help people.
484
00:20:42,589 --> 00:20:45,156
Then we have something
in common Leonard.
485
00:20:45,156 --> 00:20:47,289
We can help each other
to help Richard.
486
00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:49,248
He needs a
lesson, Leonard.
487
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,293
And the good guys
need some payback.
488
00:20:51,293 --> 00:20:52,512
Umm.
489
00:20:54,731 --> 00:20:55,732
Oh.
490
00:20:59,345 --> 00:21:03,958
[♪ ♪]
491
00:21:03,958 --> 00:21:04,872
Twenty, forty, sixty...
492
00:21:04,872 --> 00:21:06,874
Just give me
all of it.
493
00:21:06,874 --> 00:21:15,622
[♪ ♪]
494
00:21:15,622 --> 00:21:18,929
OK on your marks,
get set...
495
00:21:21,149 --> 00:21:22,150
GO!!!
496
00:21:22,150 --> 00:21:22,977
COME ON BABIES!
COME ON BABIES!
497
00:21:22,977 --> 00:21:54,443
[♪ Rock You ]
498
00:21:54,443 --> 00:21:55,357
CRAWL!
499
00:21:55,357 --> 00:21:56,227
COME ON!
500
00:21:56,227 --> 00:21:57,490
HEY 14 JUST PUSHED 11!
501
00:21:57,490 --> 00:21:59,448
THAT'S ILLEGAL!
THAT'S ILLEGAL!
502
00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:08,414
GO! GO!
503
00:22:11,547 --> 00:22:13,506
NAAAAAAAARK!
504
00:22:18,119 --> 00:22:20,208
Alright Leonard,
it's time to take back
505
00:22:20,208 --> 00:22:23,646
from the takers and
win one for the givers.
506
00:22:25,605 --> 00:22:27,476
Now brace yourself
for the most
507
00:22:27,476 --> 00:22:29,435
unhealthy home environment
508
00:22:29,435 --> 00:22:31,480
you will
ever witness.
509
00:22:39,270 --> 00:22:40,315
Shhhhh!
510
00:22:40,315 --> 00:22:42,578
The babies
are resting!
511
00:22:42,578 --> 00:22:44,493
No, No, No,
this can't be!
512
00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:50,369
Yeah.
513
00:22:56,026 --> 00:22:58,420
Ah!
514
00:22:58,420 --> 00:23:01,467
Oh!
515
00:23:01,467 --> 00:23:02,903
A ha!
516
00:23:02,903 --> 00:23:04,426
I can't believe I let
myself get conned
517
00:23:04,426 --> 00:23:06,472
by this nut job.
518
00:23:06,472 --> 00:23:10,606
Let's go buddy,
we've got work to do.
519
00:23:10,606 --> 00:23:13,435
[giggles]
520
00:23:15,524 --> 00:23:18,266
[giggles and shhhh-ing]
521
00:23:24,141 --> 00:23:25,142
[coughs]
522
00:23:27,449 --> 00:23:28,624
Smoked allegro
with just a hint
523
00:23:28,624 --> 00:23:29,582
of summer leek?
524
00:23:31,410 --> 00:23:33,890
You guys
are fucked.
525
00:23:33,890 --> 00:23:35,631
I can't believe
you were right.
526
00:23:35,631 --> 00:23:36,980
Yes!
527
00:23:36,980 --> 00:23:40,027
Which is why I'm going to
have to take the kid.
528
00:23:40,027 --> 00:23:41,028
What?
529
00:23:41,028 --> 00:23:42,551
What, no, no,
you're supposed to
530
00:23:42,551 --> 00:23:43,465
give him a
stern warning,
531
00:23:43,465 --> 00:23:45,032
a gentle
psychological nudge.
532
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:48,296
Wai- yeah, how can
you even think about
533
00:23:48,296 --> 00:23:50,516
separating Richard
from his baby,
534
00:23:50,516 --> 00:23:54,084
when you two have
so much in common?
535
00:23:56,522 --> 00:23:58,001
How many
months?
536
00:23:58,001 --> 00:23:58,828
What are you
talking about?
537
00:23:58,828 --> 00:23:59,699
Your kid.
538
00:23:59,699 --> 00:24:00,787
The gunk on
your collar.
539
00:24:00,787 --> 00:24:02,441
It's kid spew,
isn't it?
540
00:24:02,441 --> 00:24:03,572
Yeah.
541
00:24:03,572 --> 00:24:05,879
The sunken eyes,
the pacifier in
542
00:24:05,879 --> 00:24:07,315
your pocket.
543
00:24:07,315 --> 00:24:09,839
Telltale signs
my friend.
544
00:24:09,839 --> 00:24:11,493
Not sleeping
much are ya?
545
00:24:11,493 --> 00:24:12,755
Irritable?
546
00:24:12,755 --> 00:24:14,322
Unable to cope?
547
00:24:14,322 --> 00:24:15,976
I'm a 52 year old
new father,
548
00:24:15,976 --> 00:24:17,456
what do you think?
549
00:24:17,456 --> 00:24:18,935
You've been busting
your balls trying to
550
00:24:18,935 --> 00:24:20,241
raise the little
ankle-biter haven't you,
551
00:24:20,241 --> 00:24:21,851
and what do you get
out of it in return huh?
552
00:24:21,851 --> 00:24:23,549
I feel your
pain brother.
553
00:24:23,549 --> 00:24:24,593
We all do.
554
00:24:26,552 --> 00:24:28,336
You don't want to
call this one in, Len.
555
00:24:28,336 --> 00:24:29,468
What do
you say we
556
00:24:29,468 --> 00:24:30,512
call a little
truce, huh?
557
00:24:30,512 --> 00:24:31,513
You scratch
my back,
558
00:24:31,513 --> 00:24:32,819
I'll scratch yours.
559
00:24:32,819 --> 00:24:35,082
Everyone deserves
a little "me time."
560
00:24:35,082 --> 00:24:36,126
Um-hmm.
561
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:45,614
Oh for F-!
562
00:24:45,614 --> 00:24:47,224
Why is it
always me?
563
00:24:47,224 --> 00:24:50,227
Oh, a gay dad.
564
00:24:50,227 --> 00:24:52,229
I did not see
that coming.
565
00:24:52,229 --> 00:24:55,450
Well, gotta pay
the bills somehow.
566
00:25:03,502 --> 00:25:05,634
Well, I need
a drink!
567
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:10,596
Okay blah, blah,
blah, alright, oh, oh!
568
00:25:10,596 --> 00:25:13,512
"And after careful observations
involving random check-ins,
569
00:25:13,512 --> 00:25:15,992
it is clear to me that
Richard Fitzpatrick is
570
00:25:15,992 --> 00:25:18,168
a loving father and
the appropriate
571
00:25:18,168 --> 00:25:21,128
legal guardian
of his child."
572
00:25:24,044 --> 00:25:25,088
Dipshit.
573
00:25:25,088 --> 00:25:27,743
Well, we raked in
almost seven large.
574
00:25:27,743 --> 00:25:29,528
Should be enough to
get our fleet back.
575
00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:32,182
Which I tucked away
in a place so shitty
576
00:25:32,182 --> 00:25:34,533
no man dare ever look.
577
00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:37,710
Ah, speaking of which,
I still want my cut!
578
00:25:37,710 --> 00:25:39,668
This is progress, Richard.
579
00:25:39,668 --> 00:25:41,452
I think on some level
you raised these finances
580
00:25:41,452 --> 00:25:43,498
for your child.
581
00:25:43,498 --> 00:25:45,544
So I would like
to propose a toast.
582
00:25:45,544 --> 00:25:48,590
To Richard Fitzpatrick,
the greatest new dad in town!
583
00:25:48,590 --> 00:25:51,245
Hear!
Hear!
584
00:25:51,245 --> 00:25:54,553
Where is the
little shit anyway?
585
00:25:57,817 --> 00:25:58,818
Oh.
586
00:26:03,997 --> 00:26:04,998
Fuck!
587
00:26:06,434 --> 00:26:09,568
Someone stole
the fucking baby!
39503
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