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1
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Previously on Call Me Fitz...
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00:00:20,281 --> 00:00:21,412
We're goin' home.
3
00:00:21,412 --> 00:00:23,240
Not until you tell me
what you want.
4
00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:25,460
To know my daughter is happy
and healthy
5
00:00:25,460 --> 00:00:27,288
and free to sign a lease
on a new dealership.
6
00:00:27,288 --> 00:00:29,551
If you were permanently
whacked out
7
00:00:29,551 --> 00:00:32,032
Daddy could get custodial
control of your life.
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00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,642
This asshole isn't a doctor!
9
00:00:33,642 --> 00:00:35,035
- She's hallucinating.
- He's my father!
He's trying to -
10
00:00:36,819 --> 00:00:38,516
Mr. Fitzpatrick.
11
00:00:38,516 --> 00:00:40,214
Are you okay?
12
00:00:40,214 --> 00:00:41,911
Sorry, I didn't mean
to startle you.
13
00:00:41,911 --> 00:00:43,565
You just sounded so sad.
14
00:00:43,565 --> 00:00:45,132
Iris.
15
00:00:45,132 --> 00:00:47,221
Oh... Larry.
16
00:00:47,221 --> 00:00:50,050
No one knows the swarthy
savior's secret origin,
17
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:51,138
but one thing
is certain...
18
00:00:51,138 --> 00:00:53,401
The costumed
vigilante "Ethnic Man"
19
00:00:53,401 --> 00:00:55,490
is quickly becoming
a local legend.
20
00:00:55,490 --> 00:00:58,493
It's not Ethnic Man,
it's Every Man.
21
00:00:58,493 --> 00:01:01,278
And Ethnic Man is voting
for Richard Fitzpatrick.
22
00:01:01,278 --> 00:01:02,540
Every Man.
23
00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:04,977
No, he's voting
for Chester Vince.
24
00:01:04,977 --> 00:01:06,675
Can't we all just get along?
25
00:01:08,764 --> 00:01:10,592
That answer your question,
cracker ass?
26
00:01:17,425 --> 00:01:20,471
Everyone tells you
to be yourself.
27
00:01:20,471 --> 00:01:23,996
For most people, that's
a shit piece of advice.
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00:01:23,996 --> 00:01:25,998
Because they're losers.
29
00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:27,696
You want my advice?
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00:01:27,696 --> 00:01:30,220
Be like Fitz.
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00:01:30,220 --> 00:01:31,917
Mornin', sweet knees.
32
00:01:31,917 --> 00:01:33,354
Richard Fitzpatrick
for City Council.
33
00:01:35,312 --> 00:01:37,314
Number one car
salesman in Coverton...
34
00:01:37,314 --> 00:01:39,925
Most desirable
bachelor in town...
35
00:01:39,925 --> 00:01:41,579
When do you turn eighteen?
36
00:01:41,579 --> 00:01:44,582
After all, I'm charming, handsome...
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00:01:44,582 --> 00:01:47,498
...And irresistible
to the ladies.
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00:01:47,498 --> 00:01:48,717
Hey, Babe.
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00:01:48,717 --> 00:01:50,110
The name's Richard Fitzpatrick.
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00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,763
You're that sleaze merchant
41
00:01:51,763 --> 00:01:53,287
with the Vegas
knock-off lounge?
42
00:01:53,287 --> 00:01:55,115
That's another
Richard Fitzpatrick.
43
00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:01,425
[sighs]
Fuck.
44
00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:08,345
What's it going to take
to get rid of you, Son?
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00:02:08,345 --> 00:02:09,694
I could feed you some crap
46
00:02:09,694 --> 00:02:11,957
about rezoning bla
bla fucking bullshit.
47
00:02:11,957 --> 00:02:14,134
But what I really
want is a scotch,
48
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,179
a T-bone and eggs,
and to get my nut off.
49
00:02:18,225 --> 00:02:19,530
Ribeye all right?
50
00:02:21,097 --> 00:02:23,099
Giddy-up.
51
00:02:26,015 --> 00:02:27,625
Come on,
fuck me, Grandma!
52
00:02:27,625 --> 00:02:29,453
[moaning]
53
00:02:29,453 --> 00:02:31,412
So fuck what people say.
54
00:02:31,412 --> 00:02:32,717
I'm in it to win it.
55
00:02:32,717 --> 00:02:34,806
You've got my vote, Fitz.
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00:02:34,806 --> 00:02:36,373
And nobody can
press the flesh
57
00:02:36,373 --> 00:02:38,201
like good old Fitzy.
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00:02:38,201 --> 00:02:40,551
This election is all mine.
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00:02:42,553 --> 00:02:43,815
[groans]
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00:02:47,341 --> 00:02:48,733
Fuck.
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00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,738
Tough day on the
campaign trail?
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00:03:36,738 --> 00:03:38,609
Yes, actually.
63
00:03:38,609 --> 00:03:40,307
I'm being facetious, idiot.
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00:03:40,307 --> 00:03:41,612
Four angry husbands
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00:03:41,612 --> 00:03:43,658
and sixteen sexual
harassment complaints?
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00:03:43,658 --> 00:03:46,008
Did you really have to sleep
with a seventy-six year old?
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00:03:46,008 --> 00:03:47,227
Not my fault her husband
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00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,707
couldn't get the
job done downtown.
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00:03:49,707 --> 00:03:53,189
Rabbi Kinkman has been
in a coma since '89.
70
00:03:53,189 --> 00:03:55,496
Now, thanks to you,
Edith Kinkman,
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00:03:55,496 --> 00:03:57,324
the President of the
Coverton Ladies Auxiliary,
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00:03:57,324 --> 00:03:59,848
the most powerful women's
group in town, is dead.
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00:03:59,848 --> 00:04:01,415
No one knows I banged her.
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00:04:01,415 --> 00:04:03,939
And I slipped a few bills
to the coroner for insurance.
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00:04:03,939 --> 00:04:06,202
Relax, Foxley.
I got this.
76
00:04:06,202 --> 00:04:07,247
Got what?
77
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:08,900
A campaign that
has zero focus,
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00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:11,512
no platform and not a
single female supporter?
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00:04:11,512 --> 00:04:13,340
This is serious, Fitz.
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00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:15,559
When it comes to the ladies,
Fitzy is always serious
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00:04:15,559 --> 00:04:19,041
And that is a
seriously hot dress.
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00:04:19,041 --> 00:04:21,522
First the rich, then
the ethnics, now women.
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00:04:21,522 --> 00:04:23,872
Is there anyone you
can get along with?
84
00:04:23,872 --> 00:04:26,222
Fear not!
Larry has a plan.
85
00:04:26,222 --> 00:04:28,006
A plan?
How cute.
86
00:04:28,006 --> 00:04:30,052
What we need to do
is reset-
87
00:04:30,052 --> 00:04:32,272
No.
What we need to do is reset.
88
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,970
Get some kind of female
organization to endorse you.
89
00:04:34,970 --> 00:04:36,972
[gasp]
The Ladies Auxiliary.
90
00:04:36,972 --> 00:04:38,408
If Edith's cronies back you,
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00:04:38,408 --> 00:04:40,192
people will believe your
little "natural causes" story.
92
00:04:41,324 --> 00:04:42,934
Nah.
That sounds like work.
93
00:04:42,934 --> 00:04:44,327
What I was going
to suggest -
94
00:04:44,327 --> 00:04:46,503
I'm sorry, did I forget
to tell you to shut up?
95
00:04:46,503 --> 00:04:50,202
...was that we arrange an
interview with Melody Gray.
96
00:04:50,202 --> 00:04:51,987
That Ann Coulter wannabe?
She'll decimate him.
97
00:04:51,987 --> 00:04:53,989
Look whose little
high school feud
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00:04:53,989 --> 00:04:56,121
is getting in the way
of Richard's campaign.
99
00:04:56,121 --> 00:04:58,428
Every woman and homosexual
in Coverton
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00:04:58,428 --> 00:04:59,777
follows Melody Gray.
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00:04:59,777 --> 00:05:03,346
If anyone can reset his
reputation, it's her.
102
00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:05,348
[beeping]
103
00:05:05,348 --> 00:05:06,523
Bar's open.
104
00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:08,177
I'll leave you ladies
to duke it out.
105
00:05:13,008 --> 00:05:15,271
Your attempts to
annoy me are pathetic.
106
00:05:15,271 --> 00:05:19,014
And yet you look
quite annoyed.
107
00:05:30,025 --> 00:05:31,983
Any comment on Richard
Fitzpatrick's role
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00:05:31,983 --> 00:05:34,072
in the untimely - and some
might say, homicidal -
109
00:05:34,072 --> 00:05:35,509
death of Edith Kinkman?
110
00:05:35,509 --> 00:05:36,771
No story there, honey.
111
00:05:36,771 --> 00:05:37,946
She was alive when
he left that house.
112
00:05:37,946 --> 00:05:39,426
I'd love to hear
it from the horse.
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00:05:39,426 --> 00:05:41,819
He's at the trough.
And has no comment either.
114
00:05:41,819 --> 00:05:43,517
Then why did Larry call
to set up a one-on-one?
115
00:05:43,517 --> 00:05:45,127
Larry did what?
116
00:05:45,127 --> 00:05:46,650
He asked for a favor,
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00:05:46,650 --> 00:05:49,174
a chance for Richard
to clear his name.
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00:05:49,174 --> 00:05:50,959
Poor Dot.
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00:05:50,959 --> 00:05:52,787
You've lost
control of Richard,
120
00:05:52,787 --> 00:05:55,311
and now you're losing control
of that limp string bean.
121
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,663
I told Larry
to call you.
122
00:05:59,663 --> 00:06:01,230
The interview was my idea.
123
00:06:01,230 --> 00:06:03,885
Fine, then it's settled.
Tomorrow at noon.
124
00:06:03,885 --> 00:06:05,669
And you have something
in your teeth.
125
00:06:18,769 --> 00:06:20,292
No, Mr. Fitzpatrick.
126
00:06:20,292 --> 00:06:24,079
I cannot just
"motherfucking let you go."
127
00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:26,603
I'm giving you a golden
opportunity here:
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00:06:26,603 --> 00:06:29,040
submit to a
psychiatric evaluation
129
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,608
and the hospital won't take
legal action against you.
130
00:06:33,828 --> 00:06:36,744
At least give me a drink.
131
00:06:36,744 --> 00:06:40,443
Good.
We'll start tomorrow.
132
00:06:40,443 --> 00:06:42,619
The effects of detox
should settle by then.
133
00:06:51,715 --> 00:06:53,717
Fuck banana party time.
134
00:06:55,545 --> 00:06:57,765
Come on baby,
you know what I'm saying.
135
00:06:57,765 --> 00:06:59,462
Just had to come here
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00:06:59,462 --> 00:07:01,899
to rub it in my face,
didn't you?
137
00:07:01,899 --> 00:07:03,597
Get out.
138
00:07:03,597 --> 00:07:05,816
Punch carpool to the pussycat.
139
00:07:05,816 --> 00:07:07,078
Capiche?
140
00:07:18,525 --> 00:07:20,483
[whimpering]
141
00:07:25,053 --> 00:07:32,147
[loud sobbing]
142
00:07:34,410 --> 00:07:36,978
"The new abstinent
Richard Fitzpatrick"?
143
00:07:36,978 --> 00:07:39,197
What kind of Duchovny
bullshit is this?
144
00:07:39,197 --> 00:07:40,808
It's a press release
informing the public
145
00:07:40,808 --> 00:07:42,287
that as of now,
146
00:07:42,287 --> 00:07:43,724
you won't be trolling for
votes with your penis.
147
00:07:43,724 --> 00:07:45,290
This is the new
Richard Fitzpatrick,
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00:07:45,290 --> 00:07:46,944
the one who plays by my rules.
149
00:07:46,944 --> 00:07:48,511
I don't do rules.
150
00:07:48,511 --> 00:07:49,991
One.
151
00:07:49,991 --> 00:07:51,035
You keep your little
friend in your pants
152
00:07:51,035 --> 00:07:53,298
till after the
election or I'm out.
153
00:07:53,298 --> 00:07:54,735
No sex.
154
00:07:54,735 --> 00:07:56,171
Especially not with that
155
00:07:56,171 --> 00:07:57,564
soul sucking media
whore Melody Gray.
156
00:07:57,564 --> 00:07:59,087
But sex is my thing!
157
00:07:59,087 --> 00:08:01,132
Do you want your
precious bar back?
158
00:08:01,132 --> 00:08:03,221
Then park the
pecker and man up.
159
00:08:03,221 --> 00:08:04,788
Two.
160
00:08:04,788 --> 00:08:06,573
You win the election,
161
00:08:06,573 --> 00:08:08,400
you make me City Manager.
162
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:10,577
That's the job those drones
give to old war buddies.
163
00:08:10,577 --> 00:08:11,752
Their friends.
164
00:08:11,752 --> 00:08:13,231
Well, that makes rule
number one easier.
165
00:08:13,231 --> 00:08:14,711
Because friends don't sleep
with friends' friends.
166
00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:16,365
Or their enemies.
167
00:08:16,365 --> 00:08:18,759
Or in your case -
anyone at all.
168
00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:20,282
So now we're friends?
169
00:08:20,282 --> 00:08:22,284
Look at us, standing here,
170
00:08:22,284 --> 00:08:25,417
your penis out and
me not fucking it.
171
00:08:25,417 --> 00:08:27,071
I guess we are.
172
00:08:28,769 --> 00:08:31,554
I've never been friends
with a broad before.
173
00:08:31,554 --> 00:08:34,296
Funny, me neither.
174
00:08:39,431 --> 00:08:40,955
I do not understand.
175
00:08:40,955 --> 00:08:43,610
We sell more cars than Ken
Fitzpatrick ever could,
176
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:45,046
and yet we make no profit.
177
00:08:45,046 --> 00:08:47,831
Then how did that white
devil succeed for so long?
178
00:08:49,746 --> 00:08:50,791
What's up -
here's Ken's cut.
179
00:08:50,791 --> 00:08:52,009
I guess it's yours now.
180
00:08:54,621 --> 00:08:55,970
From Joey.
181
00:08:55,970 --> 00:08:57,624
For the scrap metal.
182
00:08:57,624 --> 00:08:59,495
Fitzpatrick sells scrap metal?
183
00:09:00,714 --> 00:09:01,976
Yeah.
184
00:09:01,976 --> 00:09:03,673
Car sales is a
loss leader, dude.
185
00:09:03,673 --> 00:09:06,328
At least that's
what Fitzy says.
186
00:09:06,328 --> 00:09:08,939
We send our shitboxes to
Joey at the junkyard.
187
00:09:08,939 --> 00:09:10,898
He crushes them and
sells them for scrap.
188
00:09:10,898 --> 00:09:12,595
We take 80 percent
of the sale,
189
00:09:12,595 --> 00:09:13,640
and make our money back...
190
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:16,512
Trip-ular-ily.
191
00:09:16,512 --> 00:09:18,079
No, that's not a word.
192
00:09:20,472 --> 00:09:22,213
What else does
the heathen say?
193
00:09:32,528 --> 00:09:34,835
Larry!
I was hoping you'd come.
194
00:09:36,663 --> 00:09:40,144
I'm happy to see you too Iris,
195
00:09:40,144 --> 00:09:42,277
since you seem to be my
only female friend and -
196
00:09:42,277 --> 00:09:43,844
I can call you that, right?
197
00:09:43,844 --> 00:09:45,628
The icing on my man cake?
198
00:09:45,628 --> 00:09:47,412
The icing?
199
00:09:47,412 --> 00:09:48,805
Can't I be the cake?
200
00:09:48,805 --> 00:09:50,720
Of course.
And I'm the icing!
201
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,635
You can be the cake.
202
00:09:52,635 --> 00:09:53,723
Do you want to be the cake?
203
00:09:53,723 --> 00:09:55,290
Because women can be
204
00:09:55,290 --> 00:09:57,379
any confection
they desire!
205
00:09:57,379 --> 00:09:58,641
Never mind.
206
00:09:58,641 --> 00:10:00,774
Tell me about your day.
207
00:10:00,774 --> 00:10:03,037
Okay, well...
208
00:10:03,037 --> 00:10:04,865
Today was the day
I showed Dot Foxley
209
00:10:04,865 --> 00:10:07,258
that I too am a
person of action.
210
00:10:07,258 --> 00:10:08,477
Ooh!
211
00:10:08,477 --> 00:10:09,739
Yeah, I know.
212
00:10:09,739 --> 00:10:10,958
Melody Gray is going
to interview Richard,
213
00:10:10,958 --> 00:10:12,612
and once he tells his
side of the story,
214
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:13,874
his name will be cleared -
215
00:10:13,874 --> 00:10:15,789
kinda
thanks to me.
216
00:10:15,789 --> 00:10:17,312
And my understanding
217
00:10:17,312 --> 00:10:19,444
of how the overly complicated
female mind works.
218
00:10:19,444 --> 00:10:21,838
No offense.
219
00:10:21,838 --> 00:10:23,405
There's just something
about a man of action -
220
00:10:23,405 --> 00:10:25,102
he exudes confidence.
221
00:10:25,102 --> 00:10:26,538
Yes!
222
00:10:26,538 --> 00:10:27,844
And that's why I think
223
00:10:27,844 --> 00:10:29,585
a guy like you could
have any woman you want.
224
00:10:29,585 --> 00:10:31,848
You're like a magnet.
225
00:10:31,848 --> 00:10:33,850
You're right... I know...
226
00:10:33,850 --> 00:10:36,636
Richard is a magnet for women.
227
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:37,941
No doubt Melody Gray
228
00:10:37,941 --> 00:10:39,421
will succumb to his
animal magnetism.
229
00:10:39,421 --> 00:10:41,031
And I yours.
230
00:10:41,031 --> 00:10:42,598
If anything were to happen
between Richard and Melody,
231
00:10:42,598 --> 00:10:44,600
it would ruin the
point of the interview.
232
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,471
Larry, I want you.
233
00:10:46,471 --> 00:10:48,996
Richard has never gone this
long without carnal relations.
234
00:10:48,996 --> 00:10:50,562
Now you're just teasing me.
235
00:10:50,562 --> 00:10:51,955
Oh god, Iris!
236
00:10:51,955 --> 00:10:54,305
What if Richard does
that to Melody?
237
00:10:54,305 --> 00:10:56,133
Oh no!
238
00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:58,658
Thank you, Iris, for
your words of wisdom.
239
00:11:00,181 --> 00:11:02,618
We really have
something in common.
240
00:11:02,618 --> 00:11:04,272
Somehow, I doubt that.
241
00:11:06,535 --> 00:11:08,058
I gotta go!
242
00:11:12,889 --> 00:11:15,718
[beeping]
243
00:11:15,718 --> 00:11:17,328
Leave a message.
244
00:11:17,328 --> 00:11:19,461
Look, sir,
I know we had a deal,
245
00:11:19,461 --> 00:11:21,376
but things have gotten...
246
00:11:21,376 --> 00:11:23,378
complicated.
247
00:11:23,378 --> 00:11:25,467
This is going to cost you
a lot more than minimum wage.
248
00:11:35,738 --> 00:11:37,566
Fucking calluses.
249
00:11:37,566 --> 00:11:40,134
Lefty's been working overtime,
if you know what I'm saying.
250
00:11:40,134 --> 00:11:41,570
How about you
pretend to not be
251
00:11:41,570 --> 00:11:43,746
a degenerate sex addict
for five minutes?
252
00:11:43,746 --> 00:11:45,574
Well I think Richard
has an enormous capacity
253
00:11:45,574 --> 00:11:48,882
for penetrating the
female demographic.
254
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,277
Do you want me to
eat your face off?
255
00:11:53,277 --> 00:11:54,322
I do not.
256
00:11:54,322 --> 00:11:57,499
Use my cards.
Nothing else.
257
00:11:57,499 --> 00:11:58,761
She asks a question,
258
00:11:58,761 --> 00:11:59,936
all the answers
are color coded.
259
00:11:59,936 --> 00:12:01,633
And just be your
best self, Richard.
260
00:12:01,633 --> 00:12:02,852
But different.
261
00:12:02,852 --> 00:12:04,811
Much, much different.
262
00:12:07,378 --> 00:12:08,640
Uh-uh.
263
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:11,165
I told you I'd only do
this one-on-one, Foxley.
264
00:12:11,165 --> 00:12:12,819
No spin doctors,
skinny retards,
265
00:12:12,819 --> 00:12:14,559
or once-fat redheads.
266
00:12:17,345 --> 00:12:18,868
Relax, I got this.
267
00:12:18,868 --> 00:12:20,261
Of course you do.
268
00:12:20,261 --> 00:12:21,392
[loud whisper]
Do you?
269
00:12:21,392 --> 00:12:22,654
Yeah.
270
00:12:24,874 --> 00:12:26,615
He fucks this up,
you die first.
271
00:12:28,965 --> 00:12:30,140
Hi.
272
00:12:40,977 --> 00:12:43,240
[whispering inaudibly]
273
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,634
To relax you.
274
00:12:45,634 --> 00:12:47,418
Bottoms up.
275
00:12:47,418 --> 00:12:49,333
So, Fitz.
276
00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:50,595
I'd love to hear your take
277
00:12:50,595 --> 00:12:52,206
on those pesky little rumors
278
00:12:52,206 --> 00:12:54,817
that you killed the President
of the Ladies Auxiliary.
279
00:12:54,817 --> 00:12:56,514
Uh, what happened
to Edith Kinkman
280
00:12:56,514 --> 00:12:58,865
was a tragedy.
281
00:12:58,865 --> 00:13:00,431
And an accident
282
00:13:00,431 --> 00:13:02,825
that I was not
involved in whatsoever.
283
00:13:02,825 --> 00:13:04,740
You've got to give
me something more
284
00:13:04,740 --> 00:13:07,090
than clichéd sound bites
and talking points.
285
00:13:07,090 --> 00:13:08,744
Come on, Toots.
Don't get your panties...
286
00:13:11,703 --> 00:13:12,879
No comment.
287
00:13:14,576 --> 00:13:16,796
I would like to talk to you, however,
288
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:20,016
about my gender
equality policies.
289
00:13:20,016 --> 00:13:21,931
Oh, go on...
290
00:13:24,847 --> 00:13:28,459
Um... uh...
291
00:13:28,459 --> 00:13:31,201
I'll show Foxley.
I can do this.
292
00:13:31,201 --> 00:13:34,465
I do believe that women are...
293
00:13:34,465 --> 00:13:39,296
...entitled to a full
year of maternity leave.
294
00:13:41,081 --> 00:13:42,691
You know what I think
I'm entitled to?
295
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,956
[grunt]
Uh...
296
00:13:46,956 --> 00:13:49,045
A quote on how
Ms. Kinkman died.
297
00:13:49,045 --> 00:13:51,004
But if you're reluctant,
298
00:13:51,004 --> 00:13:53,658
you could make it up
to me in another way.
299
00:13:53,658 --> 00:13:54,834
What did you have in mind?
300
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,879
I really like to...[grunts]
301
00:13:56,879 --> 00:13:59,795
...immerse myself
in my stories.
302
00:13:59,795 --> 00:14:02,232
I like to get to
know my subjects...
303
00:14:02,232 --> 00:14:04,452
intimately.
304
00:14:04,452 --> 00:14:06,541
And now that you're
a politician...
305
00:14:06,541 --> 00:14:07,977
you would be surprised
306
00:14:07,977 --> 00:14:10,414
how willing people are
to open up
307
00:14:10,414 --> 00:14:13,374
given the right circumstances...
308
00:14:13,374 --> 00:14:14,636
...Fitz.
309
00:14:15,724 --> 00:14:16,899
Oh, Fitzy.
310
00:14:19,293 --> 00:14:20,555
Fitzy!
311
00:14:21,643 --> 00:14:24,602
Come here, Fitzy...
312
00:14:25,952 --> 00:14:27,040
I can do this.
I can do this.
313
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:28,302
Get it together, Fitz.
314
00:14:28,302 --> 00:14:30,652
Fitz! Fitzy!
315
00:14:30,652 --> 00:14:31,914
Dead baby kittens.
Bunnies dead on the road.
316
00:14:31,914 --> 00:14:33,350
Think pink.
317
00:14:33,350 --> 00:14:34,874
No...
318
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:37,093
Nobody refuses Melody Gray!
319
00:14:39,748 --> 00:14:41,750
Uh, Miss Gray!
320
00:14:41,750 --> 00:14:43,883
Miss Gray, please wait!
321
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,362
I don't know what
happened in there,
322
00:14:45,362 --> 00:14:47,060
but before you assassinate
Richard's character...
323
00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:48,888
please understand
he's the product
324
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,673
of years of emotional neglect
and conditional love.
325
00:14:51,673 --> 00:14:53,893
Fitzpatrick has
psychological issues.
326
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,242
Bla bla blah.
327
00:14:55,242 --> 00:14:56,808
I don't know if I'd
call a mommy fetish
328
00:14:56,808 --> 00:14:58,810
a psychological issue.
329
00:14:58,810 --> 00:15:00,551
He's hired someone to help
him work through that.
330
00:15:00,551 --> 00:15:01,944
Prostitutes are old news.
331
00:15:01,944 --> 00:15:03,467
No, she's a dominatrix!
332
00:15:03,467 --> 00:15:04,947
But geriatric sex killer?
333
00:15:04,947 --> 00:15:06,906
Now that's front page.
334
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:09,082
Richard did not kill
Edith Kinkman!
335
00:15:09,082 --> 00:15:10,953
Richard is a friend to women!
336
00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:13,347
And all genders!
337
00:15:13,347 --> 00:15:17,264
Of course.
You and Richard are lovers.
338
00:15:17,264 --> 00:15:20,745
Geriatric sex killer
hides behind gay lover.
339
00:15:20,745 --> 00:15:22,312
You know what?
That could work.
340
00:15:22,312 --> 00:15:23,966
Thanks Larry!
341
00:15:23,966 --> 00:15:25,359
No, no.
No, no, no.
342
00:15:25,359 --> 00:15:28,928
[whimpering]
343
00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:31,452
Richard!
344
00:15:31,452 --> 00:15:33,976
Not now, fuck sauce.
I'm not in the mood.
345
00:15:33,976 --> 00:15:35,499
Um, you know how I'm
always telling you
346
00:15:35,499 --> 00:15:38,067
not to take people hostage?
347
00:15:39,242 --> 00:15:41,027
[whimpering]
348
00:15:41,027 --> 00:15:43,159
I know you're out there,
you moronic beanpole!
349
00:15:43,159 --> 00:15:44,508
Let me out!
350
00:15:44,508 --> 00:15:46,554
- What the fuck?
- Richard, please don't be mad.
351
00:15:46,554 --> 00:15:48,034
I didn't know what else to do.
352
00:15:48,034 --> 00:15:49,426
She tried to make me confess
353
00:15:49,426 --> 00:15:50,950
that you killed Ms. Kinkman
with your penis,
354
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,342
so I grabbed for her camera
355
00:15:52,342 --> 00:15:53,822
and one thing led
to another and...
356
00:15:53,822 --> 00:15:54,866
...And you locked Coverton's
most prominent journalist
357
00:15:54,866 --> 00:15:56,346
in the trunk of a car?
358
00:15:56,346 --> 00:15:58,392
How the fuck is that going
to help me with the dame vote?
359
00:15:58,392 --> 00:16:00,046
The correct term
is "female vote"
360
00:16:00,046 --> 00:16:01,351
and I didn't want
you to get caught
361
00:16:01,351 --> 00:16:02,918
in her evil clutches.
362
00:16:02,918 --> 00:16:04,006
When I tell the world
what you've done,
363
00:16:04,006 --> 00:16:05,399
you're both going to fry!
364
00:16:05,399 --> 00:16:06,748
I should have just fucked her!
365
00:16:06,748 --> 00:16:08,315
You got her phone, right?
366
00:16:08,315 --> 00:16:10,447
It all happened so fast...
367
00:16:10,447 --> 00:16:11,622
Jesus, Larry,
368
00:16:11,622 --> 00:16:12,884
have you never taken
a hostage before?
369
00:16:12,884 --> 00:16:14,451
I've watched while you have.
370
00:16:14,451 --> 00:16:15,975
Using that!
371
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:19,239
[Fitz's ringtone]
372
00:16:19,239 --> 00:16:20,631
Fuck, it's Dot.
373
00:16:20,631 --> 00:16:21,850
Please don't tell her!
She'll kill me.
374
00:16:21,850 --> 00:16:23,199
Oh, I won't.
375
00:16:23,199 --> 00:16:25,332
Because I want to be
able to kill you first.
376
00:16:25,332 --> 00:16:26,681
Yeah.
377
00:16:26,681 --> 00:16:28,030
How'd it go with Melody?
378
00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:29,205
Fan-fucking-tastic.
379
00:16:29,205 --> 00:16:30,511
Keys!
380
00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:32,208
That's great!
I have good news too.
381
00:16:32,208 --> 00:16:34,471
The Ladies Auxilary is hosting
a 24 hour hula-thon.
382
00:16:34,471 --> 00:16:36,952
24 hour
what-the-fuck-a-thon?
383
00:16:36,952 --> 00:16:38,345
They hula hoop for 24 hours.
384
00:16:38,345 --> 00:16:39,781
Raise money for the
woman's shelter.
385
00:16:39,781 --> 00:16:41,478
You're taking
Edith's spot.
386
00:16:41,478 --> 00:16:43,350
Can't I just write
a cheque?
387
00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:44,742
You want to save your
political career?
388
00:16:44,742 --> 00:16:46,483
Photo Op.
Twenty minutes.
389
00:16:46,483 --> 00:16:47,963
Fuck!
390
00:16:51,097 --> 00:16:54,274
First murder, now kidnapping?
You just got me my own show!
391
00:16:54,274 --> 00:16:56,667
Ms. Gray, this
was an unfortunate accident.
392
00:16:56,667 --> 00:16:58,539
A friend helping out a friend.
393
00:16:58,539 --> 00:16:59,931
Really,
Larry-nothing-comes-up-
394
00:16:59,931 --> 00:17:01,324
with a-background-check?
395
00:17:01,324 --> 00:17:02,717
What other evil lurks
396
00:17:02,717 --> 00:17:04,066
beneath the unfortunate
sweater vest?
397
00:17:04,066 --> 00:17:06,068
I am not a deviant!
398
00:17:06,068 --> 00:17:09,245
Yeah? You are now!
399
00:17:09,245 --> 00:17:12,770
Breaking news! Geriatric
sex killer running for office!
400
00:17:12,770 --> 00:17:14,120
When the police find me here,
401
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:16,731
trapped and terrified,
402
00:17:16,731 --> 00:17:19,690
but determined to see a
murderer brought to justice -
403
00:17:19,690 --> 00:17:21,910
a star will be born.
404
00:17:21,910 --> 00:17:23,651
Fuck!
This is not how this works!
405
00:17:23,651 --> 00:17:25,740
Find Josh and
get this trunk open.
406
00:17:25,740 --> 00:17:27,698
I'll be back
in half an hour.
407
00:17:27,698 --> 00:17:29,135
Don't worry, buddy.
408
00:17:29,135 --> 00:17:31,485
I will restore the female
population's faith in you
409
00:17:31,485 --> 00:17:33,139
if it is the last
thing that I do!
410
00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:35,315
You really are the world's biggest douchebag.
411
00:17:35,315 --> 00:17:37,578
I was not talking to you.
412
00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:41,886
Doc...
413
00:17:41,886 --> 00:17:43,671
Doc!
414
00:17:43,671 --> 00:17:45,499
I don't even know
why I'm here.
415
00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:47,109
I'd argue that a lifetime
416
00:17:47,109 --> 00:17:49,285
of alcohol dependency
is why you're here.
417
00:17:49,285 --> 00:17:51,809
You gotta give me something
to take the edge off.
418
00:17:51,809 --> 00:17:53,811
I can't stand
the sight of her.
419
00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:56,031
The sight of who,
Mr. Fitzpatrick?
420
00:17:56,031 --> 00:17:57,902
Who the fuck do you
think, you quack?
421
00:17:57,902 --> 00:18:00,122
Doctor,
garbage book tooth impaction.
422
00:18:00,122 --> 00:18:01,558
Got it?
423
00:18:01,558 --> 00:18:04,126
Stay the fuck away from me,
you gnarled penis clamp.
424
00:18:04,126 --> 00:18:06,041
Ken...
425
00:18:06,041 --> 00:18:08,087
Can I call you Ken?
426
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,653
You're safe here.
427
00:18:09,653 --> 00:18:11,829
We'll talk about
this in session, Ken.
428
00:18:16,660 --> 00:18:20,142
Ah, ladies,
hey, all right!
429
00:18:20,142 --> 00:18:21,622
I'm Richard Fitzpatrick
430
00:18:21,622 --> 00:18:23,319
I'm running for city council,
how you doing?
431
00:18:23,319 --> 00:18:24,712
Say cheese!
432
00:18:24,712 --> 00:18:28,324
Okay, great.
That was great.
433
00:18:28,324 --> 00:18:30,761
Okay, excuse us
just a second.
434
00:18:30,761 --> 00:18:32,067
What happened in
the interview?
435
00:18:32,067 --> 00:18:33,155
Why?
What did you hear?
436
00:18:36,811 --> 00:18:38,465
Fitz, what the
fuck is going on?
437
00:18:38,465 --> 00:18:39,944
Jesus!
Trust much?
438
00:18:39,944 --> 00:18:41,337
I thought we were friends.
439
00:18:52,305 --> 00:18:55,308
You sent that car
to the motherfucking crusher?
440
00:18:55,308 --> 00:18:56,657
Don't worry, dude -
441
00:18:56,657 --> 00:18:58,093
you'll get your cut
after the Ruptals cash in.
442
00:18:58,093 --> 00:19:01,357
You sent Melody's
car to the crusher.
443
00:19:01,357 --> 00:19:02,967
Really, Josh?
444
00:19:02,967 --> 00:19:04,708
Why, what's your problem?
445
00:19:04,708 --> 00:19:05,753
It's not like there was
a woman in the trunk.
446
00:19:05,753 --> 00:19:08,886
There was a woman
in the trunk!
447
00:19:08,886 --> 00:19:10,323
Gotta save her!
448
00:19:10,323 --> 00:19:11,498
All right, fine.
449
00:19:11,498 --> 00:19:12,890
Would you--!
450
00:19:18,505 --> 00:19:19,854
Nice try, Fitz.
451
00:19:19,854 --> 00:19:21,421
You barely managed
to slow me down!
452
00:19:21,421 --> 00:19:23,379
My article is finished
453
00:19:23,379 --> 00:19:25,468
and so is your
political career.
454
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:30,560
Ho ho ho!
455
00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:32,345
Driving me out of cell range?
456
00:19:32,345 --> 00:19:33,955
Well played!
457
00:19:33,955 --> 00:19:35,913
Ow! Hey!
458
00:19:35,913 --> 00:19:38,829
Okay, know what - now we're
in TV movie territory!
459
00:19:38,829 --> 00:19:42,268
Hostage in Heels -
The Melody Gray Story.
460
00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:44,008
[thumping]
461
00:19:44,008 --> 00:19:45,401
[gasp]
462
00:19:45,401 --> 00:19:47,795
Hello?
463
00:19:47,795 --> 00:19:49,405
Hello!
464
00:19:49,405 --> 00:19:50,885
Okay...
465
00:19:50,885 --> 00:19:53,540
[screaming]
466
00:19:56,064 --> 00:19:57,805
What the hell?
467
00:20:00,416 --> 00:20:02,244
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
468
00:20:02,244 --> 00:20:04,290
Excuse me, sir!
Hold on!
469
00:20:04,290 --> 00:20:06,466
Joey!
Joey!
470
00:20:06,466 --> 00:20:08,119
[screaming]
471
00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:10,426
Joey! Joey!
472
00:20:10,426 --> 00:20:13,255
Joey!
There's a woman in the trunk!
473
00:20:13,255 --> 00:20:14,517
Gotcha.
474
00:20:14,517 --> 00:20:15,997
No!
We need to get her out!
475
00:20:15,997 --> 00:20:17,564
That's double.
476
00:20:17,564 --> 00:20:18,869
Fuck!
Larry!
477
00:20:18,869 --> 00:20:20,958
Okay, we've got... twenty...
478
00:20:20,958 --> 00:20:23,396
Give me the fucking money!
Jesus!
479
00:20:23,396 --> 00:20:27,138
[screaming continues]
480
00:20:27,138 --> 00:20:29,837
Joey...!
481
00:20:29,837 --> 00:20:32,013
Joey!
For fuck sake, put her down!
482
00:20:32,013 --> 00:20:43,285
[screaming continues]
483
00:20:43,285 --> 00:20:44,678
Get me out of here!
484
00:20:46,897 --> 00:20:48,551
Oh my God, I could
have been killed!
485
00:20:50,510 --> 00:20:52,512
Oh my God, I could
have been killed.
486
00:20:52,512 --> 00:20:53,904
But you weren't
487
00:20:53,904 --> 00:20:55,950
and you have Richard
to thank for that.
488
00:20:55,950 --> 00:20:57,995
Oh, you saved my life,
I don't know what to say.
489
00:20:57,995 --> 00:20:59,475
Don't say anything.
490
00:20:59,475 --> 00:21:01,695
And for God's sake,
don't publish anything.
491
00:21:01,695 --> 00:21:03,479
Oops, got a signal!
492
00:21:03,479 --> 00:21:05,002
No!
493
00:21:05,002 --> 00:21:06,308
Fuck!
494
00:21:06,308 --> 00:21:07,744
Hello Pulitzer.
495
00:21:10,878 --> 00:21:11,966
No love.
496
00:21:11,966 --> 00:21:13,184
Can't thank you.
497
00:21:13,184 --> 00:21:16,275
[whimpering]
498
00:21:21,932 --> 00:21:25,153
Can't sorry, alone.
499
00:21:25,153 --> 00:21:27,634
What do you want from me?
What do you want?
500
00:21:30,898 --> 00:21:32,726
[sighs]
501
00:21:32,726 --> 00:21:34,597
Understand yet?
502
00:21:37,383 --> 00:21:38,906
No.
503
00:21:38,906 --> 00:21:41,038
I don't understand.
504
00:21:41,038 --> 00:21:44,390
I never fucking did.
505
00:21:44,390 --> 00:21:46,827
All the years
we were together.
506
00:21:46,827 --> 00:21:48,524
You never once
said a single thing
507
00:21:48,524 --> 00:21:50,047
that made sense to me.
508
00:21:50,047 --> 00:21:52,354
For once in your fucking life,
509
00:21:52,354 --> 00:21:54,835
will you just talk
straight to me?
510
00:21:54,835 --> 00:21:58,099
How am I supposed
to talk to you,
511
00:21:58,099 --> 00:21:59,709
you dumb mook?
512
00:21:59,709 --> 00:22:01,624
First thing my mom taught me
513
00:22:01,624 --> 00:22:03,060
after how to boost a car -
514
00:22:03,060 --> 00:22:06,977
was never talk to a man
who doesn't respect women.
515
00:22:06,977 --> 00:22:08,631
The fuck are you
talking about?
516
00:22:12,287 --> 00:22:13,941
The dealership.
517
00:22:13,941 --> 00:22:15,638
Took some dream you had
518
00:22:15,638 --> 00:22:17,901
in the back room of a bar
519
00:22:17,901 --> 00:22:19,468
and helped you build it.
520
00:22:19,468 --> 00:22:22,079
Brick by brick, car by car,
521
00:22:22,079 --> 00:22:24,255
every fucking day.
522
00:22:24,255 --> 00:22:27,607
And you never thanked me.
523
00:22:27,607 --> 00:22:29,826
Do I really have
to fucking say it?
524
00:22:33,830 --> 00:22:37,094
You were the best thing
that ever happened to me.
525
00:22:40,707 --> 00:22:42,883
Oh, Daddy.
526
00:22:45,886 --> 00:22:47,757
I love it when
you call me daddy.
527
00:22:49,455 --> 00:22:51,631
I always call you daddy.
528
00:22:51,631 --> 00:22:55,025
I think I've made some
remarkable progress here.
529
00:22:55,025 --> 00:22:57,419
It's time we get those
discharge papers ready.
530
00:22:57,419 --> 00:22:59,813
And now we get to
go home together!
531
00:22:59,813 --> 00:23:01,249
Fuck.
532
00:23:01,249 --> 00:23:03,512
Get it off!
Get if off!
533
00:23:03,512 --> 00:23:05,601
Get it off me!
534
00:23:09,344 --> 00:23:10,824
You kidnapped the woman who
was supposed to be saving you?
535
00:23:10,824 --> 00:23:12,260
Don't look at me.
536
00:23:12,260 --> 00:23:15,176
Kidnapping is such
a strong word.
537
00:23:15,176 --> 00:23:17,352
Melody's report claims that
you were "with" Edith
538
00:23:17,352 --> 00:23:18,875
when she passed!
539
00:23:18,875 --> 00:23:20,790
And I've been
trying to tell them
540
00:23:20,790 --> 00:23:24,925
that this report
is a pack of lies.
541
00:23:24,925 --> 00:23:27,797
Do you want to tell them
what really happened, Richard?
542
00:23:27,797 --> 00:23:29,059
Or should I?
543
00:23:29,059 --> 00:23:30,887
This is not Richard's fault.
544
00:23:30,887 --> 00:23:34,195
I, Larry, fully
acknowledge my role
545
00:23:34,195 --> 00:23:39,592
in this awful and terrible
and not very good situation.
546
00:23:39,592 --> 00:23:44,684
Murder, kidnapping
sexual addiction-
547
00:23:44,684 --> 00:23:46,860
it's the trifecta of awesome.
548
00:23:49,123 --> 00:23:51,255
If you have any chance of
winning this election,
549
00:23:51,255 --> 00:23:53,649
it's the same way that got
you here in the first place.
550
00:23:53,649 --> 00:23:55,042
Being yourself.
551
00:23:55,042 --> 00:23:56,173
Because the truth is,
552
00:23:56,173 --> 00:23:57,392
you are incapable
of anything else.
553
00:23:57,392 --> 00:23:58,741
And so am I.
554
00:23:58,741 --> 00:24:01,352
Tell them the
truth about Edith.
555
00:24:07,184 --> 00:24:09,578
You want to know the truth
about Edith Kinkman?
556
00:24:09,578 --> 00:24:12,233
I'll tell you.
557
00:24:12,233 --> 00:24:15,758
I was down on my luck,
and she took me in.
558
00:24:15,758 --> 00:24:18,108
So I went for a dive.
559
00:24:18,108 --> 00:24:21,503
It took a while,
but I found treasure.
560
00:24:21,503 --> 00:24:24,114
So did she.
561
00:24:24,114 --> 00:24:26,639
She was smiling
when they found her.
562
00:24:26,639 --> 00:24:28,379
You bet your ass she was.
563
00:24:28,379 --> 00:24:29,990
And you know why?
564
00:24:29,990 --> 00:24:31,600
Because I love women.
565
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:33,297
All women.
566
00:24:33,297 --> 00:24:38,085
Young, old, thin, fat,
tall, short...
567
00:24:38,085 --> 00:24:39,869
I fucked a midget once.
568
00:24:39,869 --> 00:24:41,654
And then you know what I did?
569
00:24:41,654 --> 00:24:43,699
I fucked her again.
570
00:24:43,699 --> 00:24:46,180
'Cuz that's the
kind of guy I am.
571
00:24:46,180 --> 00:24:48,138
I give until it hurts.
572
00:24:48,138 --> 00:24:50,010
And, if elected,
573
00:24:50,010 --> 00:24:52,403
I will make sure all
the ladies of Coverton
574
00:24:52,403 --> 00:24:55,537
get their fair share.
575
00:25:07,114 --> 00:25:08,811
Yeah.
576
00:25:08,811 --> 00:25:10,944
Stuff your ballot box
with that, ladies.
577
00:25:10,944 --> 00:25:13,599
Vote for Fitz!
Because - oh...
578
00:25:18,952 --> 00:25:21,694
Know what?
You still kidnapped me.
579
00:25:21,694 --> 00:25:23,522
And I have these Old Bags
to back me up.
580
00:25:23,522 --> 00:25:25,480
It's your word against ours.
581
00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:28,091
And I didn't see a thing.
582
00:25:28,091 --> 00:25:30,790
Neither did the Old Bags.
583
00:25:30,790 --> 00:25:32,008
You know what, Richard?
584
00:25:32,008 --> 00:25:34,576
There you go:
The truth has set you free.
585
00:25:34,576 --> 00:25:37,274
How's that for
a fucking platform?
586
00:25:37,274 --> 00:25:38,711
Town gigolo?
587
00:25:38,711 --> 00:25:43,585
I'm gonna give the
people what they deserve.
588
00:25:43,585 --> 00:25:45,065
No apologies.
589
00:25:45,065 --> 00:25:46,762
No excuses.
590
00:25:46,762 --> 00:25:50,157
I'm gonna own up
to every scandal,
591
00:25:50,157 --> 00:25:53,116
every bad thing
I've ever done.
592
00:25:53,116 --> 00:25:55,684
Because I'm Richard Fitzpatrick.
593
00:25:55,684 --> 00:25:57,730
The last honest man.
594
00:25:59,949 --> 00:26:01,908
Yeah.
595
00:26:01,908 --> 00:26:04,563
Now, I can do whatever
the hell I want.
596
00:26:04,563 --> 00:26:07,348
[triumphant music]
40977
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