All language subtitles for 03 The One That Got Away.English

- Check.
- Check.

- I'll open for a quarter.
- I'm in.

I'll see your quarter
and I'll raise you a quarter.

By the way, Rose, your shoe is untied.

I'm too smart for you, Sophia.
You won't distract me this time.

Besides, I'm wearing pumps.

- Your pump is untied.
- Oh, thanks.

Look! Mr. Feinbaum's totally naked
in his bedroom window!

That is the third time we caught
you cheating. Ma, you're out.

Hey, gimme a break!
When you're 80, you're allowed to cheat -

just like you're allowed to take money
out of your daughter's purse.

Oops!

Uh... was that the phone?

Don't trouble yourselves. I'll get it.

How did you know
your mother was cheating?

Because Mr. Feinbaum
never walks around totally naked.

He always wears a boy-scout neckerchief.

But never in the same place twice.

Which is why there's no Mrs. Feinbaum.
Deal.

(whoosh)

Did you see that, Dorothy?
It was a UFO!

Rose, don't be ridiculous. It was a plane.
Deal, come on.

Planes don't fly over
residential neighborhoods.

Neither do UFOs.

They only fly over empty fields
in Kentucky,

where fat guys in overalls named Cooley
have just run out of gas.

- I think we ought to call the authorities.
- Rose, there is no such thing as a UFO.

They were probably looking for someone
to bring up to the ship.

Fine, you stay out here.
Flag them down if they fly by again.

- I'll go inside and pack a bag.
- But I wanna be the one to go.

Whose bag do you think I'm gonna pack?

(self-satisfied laughter

(squeal

Blanche, are you in a good mood?

Dorothy, you always could
see right through me.

Keep it up with those Chips Ahoy! and
Superman couldn't see right through you.

I just got off the phone
with Ham Lushbough,

the most charming, most intelligent, most
gorgeous, most sexy man on this planet.

We went to college together.
There he is.

Wow! He sure is handsome.

- Oh...
- What did he have to say?

That he's in town on business
and that he's single again

and that he'd love to be my date
for the museum ball Saturday night.

The museum ball? Didn't Roger postpone
his kidney transplant to be your date?

What's your point?

Sorry to interrupt. Go on.

Dorothy, you have no idea how my sister
Virginia and I used to chase after this boy.

Everybody did.
He had it all -

football star, champion debater,
class valedictorian.

- How long did you and he date?
- Well, we didn't.

But it wasn't 'cause I didn't try.

I can still remember the night of
the big rally before the homecoming game.

There stood Ham, just handsome as ever.

I walked over to him
and asked him the one question

that had been burning on my tongue
for the last four years:

"Ham, think you might like
a little company tonight?"

You know what he said?

"Maybe some other time, Blanche."

Can you believe that?
"Maybe some other time"!

Blanche, that doesn't seem so mean.

He had the band spell it out on the field.

And, Dorothy, to this day,

Ham Lushbough remains the one man
in my entire life I could not conquer.

The one!

But come Saturday night I have a feeling
my record's gonna be intact again. Ooh!

I wouldn't be so sure if I were Blanche.

Sometimes these things aren't meant to be.

Like me and Fabrizio Ribeno.

We were on the verge of a passionate
love affair when Destiny intervened.

Don't tell me.
His wife, Destiny Ribeno?

Right. Boy, did she have a temper.

She dragged him away
by the hair on his back,

smashed his skull with a ravioli crank,

and threw his limp body in the river.

That's a Sicily you don't see on postcards.

Rose, what are you doing?

I'm trying to lure that UFO back
with a flashlight and a pie pan.

I read an article once in the St. Olaf Time
that said this is the best way to do it.

- What's the St. Olaf Time?
- It's 7:15 here. You subtract an hour...

Forget it! Forget it.

Now, look, all this nonsense
has to stop, Rose.

What we saw was not a UFO.

Well, it wasn't a plane.

Planes aren't that thin, or that bright.

Neither is Oprah Winfrey,
but that doesn't make her a flying saucer.

The point is,
nobody knows what we saw.

You don't. I don't.
Not even Major Barker does.

- Major Barker?
- The man I spoke to at the military base.

I told him what we saw,
and he said they'd check into it.

Rose, how could you do that?

Don't you know what's going to happen?
This will end up in the tabloids.

I can see it now, right next to "Woman
Gives Birth to Doc Severinsen Look-alike":

"Dorothy Zbornak Meets Spacemen."

Why do you get all the credit?

Girls!

Girls, look.

- How do I look?
- Great, Blanche.

- Great? Or gorgeous?
- Gorgeous.

- What about sexy?
- Yes.

- Enticing?
- I'll handle this.

Blanche, no woman ever looked better
than you look right now,

and no one ever will.

Thank you, Dorothy.

Honestly, Rose, sometimes it's like pulling
teeth to get a little compliment out of you.

- (doorbell rings)
- There's the bell.

That must be Ham at the door.
Come on, come on!

(doorbell

Sophia, wait.

Blanche, will you calm down? I have never
seen you so worked up over one date.

I let this man slip through my fingers once
before. I don't intend to let it happen again.

He couldn't slip through your fingers now
if you used a shoehorn.

- Oh, my God!
- Blanche?

Ham?

H-Ham Lushbough. Just look at you!

What else can we look at? The man's
covering half the pictures on our wall.

I don't blame you for looking surprised.
There's more of me than there used to be.

Well, maybe a little here, a little there.

- Ham, I'm Dorothy. How do you do?
- How do you do?

This is my mother, Sophia.
That's Rose.

- Hello.
- (Ham) How do you do?

So, what exactly is "Ham" short for, Ham?

My guess would be ham and potatoes.

We'd better run along.
We don't want to be late.

- I'm sure you'll have a wonderful evening.
- It was very nice meeting all of you.

Same here.
I hope we get to see more of you.

Don't even bother.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Boy, he sure looks different
from his picture.

Sometimes people can lose their looks.

Not in Sicily. In Sicily, if you're born
beautiful, you stay beautiful.

The whole town sees to it.

They check up on you, they encourage
you, they never let you slip.

That's why we were so happy
when Dorothy was born.

Oh, Ma.

Who needed all those people
bothering us all the time!

- I'm going back outside, Dorothy.
- Fine, Rose.

(doorbell

- Is Rose Nylund in?
- Yes. Please come in.

You must be the man that Rose spoke to -
Major Barker?

- That's correct.
- Please, sit down.

Listen, um... before I get Rose,
let me assure you,

she is the only one here
who thinks she saw a UFO.

I understand completely, Ms. Zbornak.

By the way, is that Ms. Zbornak or Mrs?
I'm hoping it's Ms.

Well, yes.

- Yes, as a matter of fact, it is.
- Good.

I've already got that box checked
on this form.

In this case, we've done
most of the research at the base,

so I just have a couple
of routine questions to follow up.

Question number one: was the object
you saw more triangular or cylindrical?

- No, triangular.
- Was it blue in color?

Yes.

- Did it leave a faint trail of yellow exhaust?
- Yes, it did!

Very good. Ms. Zbornak, there's a perfectly
simple explanation for what you saw.

Well, I always knew there would be.

What you and Rose Nylund saw
was a UFO.

(Blanche laughs)

Oh, Ham, you always did know
how to make me laugh.

Nice to know I haven't lost it - all of it.

Now, don't you talk like that.
You haven't lost a thing.

Why, the way you can tell a story, the way
you twirled me around that dance floor,

you'd think it was 30 years ago.

Gosh, look at the time.
I'd better go.

Oh, baloney! It's late now,
in ten minutes it'll still be late.

You just sit yourself down right there.
Go on.

Thattaboy. Ha ha ha.

- I had a nice time tonight, Blanche.
- You know, I did too.

And I wasn't sure I would,
if you want the truth.

What?

Well, this may sound funny,
but I kept thinking,

"Here I am, so bald and so heavy.

"What if I show up and Blanche looks
as pretty as she did 30 years ago?"

- But I don't.
- No, you don't.

What?

- You look prettier.
- Oh...

No, I mean it!

The face and the figure and that smile -
it's all gotten better.

Unless it's my age
making me see those things.

No!

I'm glad I looked you up, Blanche.

I haven't had this much fun in a long time.

- I guess I'd better get back to the hotel.
- Honey, are you sure you have to?

Blanche, are you asking me
what I think you're asking me?

Think you might like
some company tonight?

Maybe some other time, Blanche.

- What are you doing, Dorothy?
- Oh... looking at the stars.

Pondering the universe.

I've been doing the same thing,

thinking how wonderful it would be
if there really were aliens.

Maybe it'd be just like Cocoon.

and they'd take us away
and we'd never grow old.

See, I don't know. I like my life.

I mean, I'm not president or anything.
I'm just a teacher.

A substitute teacher.

A divorced substitute teacher,
who can't even afford her own place to live.

Beam me up!

"Beam me up"?
Dorothy, you believe?

Rose, they checked out what we saw,

and it actually was a UFO.

Where are you going?
We might miss the aliens.

That would be fine with me.

Dorothy, why are you talking that way?

I think it's wonderful that there are
other beings out there trying to meet us.

They might have solutions to all
our problems, cures for our diseases,

new story lines for ALF.

They might also have tentacles
on their legs

so that they can suck all the blood
out of our heads!

I'm sorry, Rose. I'm sorry.

Part of me is very excited,
but part of me is petrified.

I cannot relax with this.

Unfortunately, I'm going to have to
because Major Barker

does not want us to say
a word about this to anyone

until we hear from him again.

Not a word.
Is that understood?

Yes.

I thought I heard voices.
What you girls doing?

Oh, nothing.

We're just sitting talking.

Not talking about anything special.

The subject of aliens never came up.

Well, I can give you something
to talk about - my date tonight.

Which turned out to be the most
humiliating evening I've ever spent.

- So, what are we talking about?
- Blanche's date.

He turned me down, again.
I'm just devastated.

Blanche, you said yourself
you didn't find him that attractive anymore.

That's not the point.
The point is, to Blanche Devereaux,

sexuality and attractiveness
are very important -

they are Blanche Devereaux.

It just tortures me to know
that there's one man out there,

one on the face of God's green earth,
that I cannot have.

Especially if he's fat and bald!

- Blanche, forget about it.
- I can't forget about it.

There's only one thing for me to do.

I'm going to call him up, and tomorrow
I'm going out with that man again.

I don't care
what amount of seducing it takes,

but as God is my witness,
I am not returning to this house

until he has begged, beseeched
and pleaded with me to go to bed with him.

You know, that was the original ending
to Gone with the Wind.

- That was a terrific meal. Thanks again.
- You're welcome.

I just figured you deserved it
before going back to

that high-tension, dog-eat-dog
pressure pit you work in.

Blanche, I run a miniature golf course.

- Your champagne, Ms. Devereaux.
- Thank you.

You will forgive me if this champagne
has a little effect on me, Ham.

Sometimes just having it setting on
the table sets my heart to racing.

Oh! Feel.

Lower.

It's like there's some kind of
wild animal energy in there,

pounding...

pounding and burning,
yearning and lusting,

just crying out to be released.

(pop)

I've never said this to another man, but...

I feel a heat between us,
kind of a flame crackling and hissing.

I want you to put that flame out, Ham.

I want you to pluck me like a fruit,
and wash me off in your kisses,

and sink your teeth into my ripe, juicy flesh.

Let me make you happy, Ham.

All I need to know is that you want me
as much as I want you.

Maybe some other time, Blanche.

That does it!
I will not let you humiliate me any longer.

You may not want me, Ham Lushbough,

but I can promise you somewhere on this
planet I will find some man who does!

(door opens)

- Hi, girls.
- How'd it go?

Perfectly.

When Blanche Devereaux sets out to
seduce a man she doesn't drag her feet.

(doorbell rings)

- Blanche...
- Ham Lushbough, you sex-hungry devil!

I told you, no more.
Go home and take a cold shower.

No. Not until you know the reason why
I keep telling you I can't sleep with you.

Ma, listen, maybe watching some TV
in another room might be a good idea.

Fine, Dorothy, but keep the volume down.

Ma!

It's all right.
It's already out in the open anyway.

Come on in and say your piece.

Well, the reason is, we've been getting
along so well as friends lately that...

I didn't want us to have another night
like that night we had in college.

In college?
What are you talking about?

That night - the spring jamboree
out at Grady's Motor Lodge?

- I never went to Grady's with you.
- Sure you did.

I'll never forget it. You had your hair
in braids, you wore a pink bathrobe...

- Pink, with a little lace trim?
- Yes.

- And matching slippers?
- Yes.

Ham! That wasn't me,
that was my sister Virginia.

You're ki... That was Virginia?
How could I forget that?

That was the worst night I've ever spent
in bed with a woman in my life!

Wait a minute, Ham. Are you saying the
only reason you've kept turning me down

is 'cause of the bad time
you had that night?

Yes.

Oh, well, Blanche, this changes everything.

Does all that stuff you said
in the restaurant still go?

I don't think so, Ham.

The moment has passed.
We could never recapture it.

Blanche, that was just 20 minutes ago.

I'm sorry, Ham, but you were just
a plaything in my game of sexual conquest.

- I was gonna use you.
- Use me, use me.

Good-bye, Ham. If you leave now,
we can still have our memories.

I'll trade all my memories for a quickie.

Beat it, tubbo.

I wonder what would happen
if somebody called my sister Virginia

and told her
this terribly embarrassing story.

I guess there's only one way to find out.

I'm exhausted. I'm going to bed.
Are you coming, Ma?

In a minute.
I gotta finish this article.

I love these military guys.

First they fly this top-secret bomber jet
way off course.

Next they start denying it ever happened -

like nobody ever saw it
flying over downtown Miami.

- Rose.
- Hi, Dorothy.

Rose, there's something
we have to talk about.

There was an article in today's paper.

The one about the UFO
being a secret bomber?

- I'm sorry, Rose.
- Sorry for what?

Just because that one bomber
wasn't a UFO

doesn't mean we should stop
watching for others.

Does it?

Oh.

I guess there isn't much point
in sitting out here anymore, is there?

I don't know, Rose.
It's such a nice night.

- Let's stay awhile.
- OK.

You know something, Dorothy?

You don't have to tell me this
if you don't want to,

but underneath it all
you believe in them, don't you?

You did from the very beginning.

I'm glad.

It's more fun.
It's like with Santa Claus.

The best Christmas we ever had was
when all eight of my brothers and sisters,

from Lily to Michael,

all still believed.

That must be ten years ago now.

(whoosh)

Dorothy!

Dorothy?