All language subtitles for khjlkaefiqe

RED DWARF - S11E03 - GIVE & TAKE
In memory of J.H.S. SAS MBE - Now there was a lad.

Lift coming, Sir.

Come on,
Come on!

Why are you always so slow?!

I've seen snails with clubbed feet
travel faster than you.

The French Army after
lunch move quicker!

Not long now, Sir.

I'm picking up
several strange

energy signatures
on B deck.

I need a lift pronto to
check them out.

Just a drop-off on
the living quarters

and I'll be with you
in a flash, Sir.

Will you really?

Or will you really be
a really long time?

A really long time, Sir.

So why not tell me that
in the first place then?

I didn't want to
lose your custom.

Who can you lose
my custom to?

Our main rival, Sir-

the stairs.

They've been doing
really well this year.

Where are you now?

I've completed the drop-off
at the living quarter's deck, Sir

now I've just gotta trip up
to the stasis booths.

But I pressed first!

Right. That's it.
You are fired.

You can't fire a lift, Sir.

I just have.

How are you going
to replace me?

With another lift
from another shaft.

I'll get the scutters to
transfer and install.

Let me tell you,
my lad-do,

There are plenty of young,
thrusting lifts around here

who would give their
eye teeth to transport

someone of my stature
up and down their shaft.

Tell all lifts we're interviewing
for a new position in Shaft 14.

All applicants must be
prepared to travel.

Only lifts need apply.

Come on.

Lights!

Lister, you've been in
my bunk for two days now.

Are you still hung over?

Go away, Rimmer.
Turn off the lights.

Look, we've come across
a space station,

tech glitch in Sector Three,

there's an asteroid storm
heading for it,

it will be toast
in five hours!

Let's go!

Gimme a break, Rimmer.

I've been in bed
for two days.

I need to freshen up.

All right.

Good to go!
Come on!

What kind of
space station is it, Krytes?

Any idea?

Well I don't recognize it, Sir,

but I must confess I did delete

some files off my
hard drive this morning

to create more memory.

Really?
Is that safe?

Oh, have no fear, Sir.

I only trashed information
I consider frivolous and idiotic.

Without checking with me first?

And you are...?

Go into your trash,
you mental moron,

and un-delete the Rimmer folder.

You must have dumped me
in there by mistake.

That's highly unlikely,
whoever you are,

but I'll check anyway.

Oh!

There's a folder in here

marked "Captain Bollocks".

Could that be you?

Captain Bollocks?

Is that what you call me
behind my back?

To your face too,
when you're snoozing!

Just dragging it out
of the bin and reinstalling.

Oh, Sir!

I'm so sorry!

How could I possibly...

Yes! All right,
moving on.

Calling you
Captain Bollocks!

Especially behind your back,

and probably sniggering
about it too -

how could you not
take offense?!

Kryten, please.
Let's move on.

Captain Bollocks!
Really?!

It's disrespectful and
downright offensive, Sir.

Just assure me
I'm fully reinstalled.

Rest assured, Sir.

You now have pride of place
in my "R" section.

Alongside "ringworm"
and "rim shot", Sir.

Now remember, Sirs.

The asteroid storm will
destroy the station

in five hours.

Look, let's split up
into pairs.

It will make things
a whole lot quicker.

As acting superior officer,
I naturally get first choice.

Don't want you.

Don't want you.

Why is there
no one good here?

You get more choice
in an Amish barbers.

Kryten,

You're with me.
Let's move, people.

If they ever decide to recognize
service to toss pottery,

he'll be a Hall of Famer.

I wonder why it's called
"Asclepius".

Ah. Presumably after the
Greek god of medicine, Sir.

Well, there's that.
Obviously.

Obviously that.
Yes, obviously.

You think it's that obvious?

Skeleton!

Check it out.

My bet?

It's dead.

Why do skeletons
never wear any clothes?

No wonder they all die.

Probably pneumonia.

All right, Male.
Caucasian. Thirty one.

And according to this,
he was a Colonel Club cardholder -

one chicken stamp away from
a free Family Fun bucket.

Man that thing's accurate!

It's weird.

The DNA,

on this knife handle,

is identical,

to the DNA in the body.

Meaning this dude
stabbed himself in the back?

Why would anyone do that?!

Hey.

Some notes here.
Might give us a clue.

If memory serves, Sir,
Asclepius was a medi-bot,

created in the
late 23rd century,

programed to perform
all the procedures,

both physical and mental on

all known living organisms -

the cutting-edge of
droid technology.

Looks like something out of an
old sci-fi movie.

It's got to be so much more
advanced than me, Sir.

It's got four buttons.

Precisely!

Greetings.
How can I be of service?

I am Standing Acting Senior

Commanding Officer
Arnold J. Rimmer

of the J.M.C. mining ship
Red Dwarf.

Perhaps you could..

Sir, you haven't
introduced me.

I beg your pardon.

This is Kryten.
He's a sanitation droid -

mainly toilets.

He can also unblock drains,
and is an absolute whiz

when it comes to
embarrassing stains.

Sir, I merely asked you
to introduce me,

you didn't have to
big me up.

Arnold J. Rimmer?

I do believe
many years ago,

I had the honor of serving
one of your old crew mates,

Flight Coordinator
Ronald Littlewood.

Sir, our quake timings
are way out.

We need to get back
to Red Dwarf.

I wonder,

would you care to join us?

We have nothing
in our science room

remotely as
sophisticated as you.

Why, I would
be honored, Kryten.

Follow me.

According to these notes,

the guy's name is
Romero G. Gonzales,

and he was a
stasis booth engineer.

Ah, Mrs. Robertson,

we're ready to start
your procedure now.

And this, must be
Mrs. Johnson -

the donor.

No need to be frightened.

There was
a time I was

a teensy, tiny,
teeny-weeny bit...

MAD!!!

But not any more.

Look.

There's my "all clear".

We gotta go.

We'll close the door
behind us

as we pedal out!

I can see you're both quite...

nervous.

Perhaps you need
a little something to help you

... relax.

Bazookoids!

There.

That wasn't so bad,
was it?

Where are they?

Tracking them, Sir.

Down here!

Sew,
sew,

sew your boat,

gently as you dream,

Merrily,
merrily,

merrily,
merrily,

life is such a

scream...

Ah!

Mrs. Biddle.
You're a little early.

Take a seat in the waiting room.

I'll show you where it is.

Sir, let's fire them up
and get them out of here!

Move, Kryten.
Go!

Go, go, go, go, go!

He's coming around, Sir.

Here he comes.

Yes, he's coming around!

I don't remember
drinking anything!

You were attacked, Sir.

Remember?
Attacked!

I didn't start it,
and I wasn't drunk.

Well, I might have been drunk,
but I didn't start it.

Well, I might have
started it.

I remember now!
How's the Cat?!

He's in medi-bay four, Sir.
He's fine.

And me?

Ah, the Cat -

he's 100%
tippity top, Sir!

Yeah, but what
about me?!

Prepare yourself,

for a bit
of a shock, Sir.

What kind of a shock?

Well, if most shocks
are about this size,

this shock is more...

THIS size!

You have a problem
with your kidneys, Sir.

What kind of problem?

You don't have any.

That crazy droid
organ-napped them.

And when we Marined
our way in to save you,

friendly-fire took
out the jar.

And which particular friend
caused this friendly fire?

Put it there,
pal of mine.

Where am I
going to get

new kidneys
3 million years

into deep space?!

Didn't I tell you
he'd say that?

Hang on a minute.
No kidneys?

How come I'm not dead?

Well, I've injected a homemade

MTK chip into your
bloodstream, Sir,

which performs a function
similar to the old

dialysis machine
of days gone by.

All being well,

you'll be fine for...uhm,

Years?

Months?

Weeks?

Let's not get bogged down
in details, Sir.

I'm totally smegged,
aren't I?

Didn't I tell you
he'd say that?

All is not lost, Sir.

The perpetrator of
this act of derangement

was clearly some
mentally unhinged

droid/patient,
who managed to

escape his shackles.

Mr. Rimmer and I,
however,

managed to obtain
the services

of a state-of-the-art
medi-bot!

He's a state-of-the-art
medi-bot?!

He's only got
four buttons!

He goes by
the name

of Asclepius.

Asclepius?

Kryten, can we talk?

Just one moment, Asclepius.

Or should that be
"Mr." Asclepius?

Actually, neither.

Pardon my faux pas,
Professor.

Now, where was I?

Ah - one of Asclepius'
many abilities

is DNA re-writing

If Mr. Cat were willing
to donate one of his kidneys,

Asclepius here could make
his kidney compatible

with your body.

This is the Cat
we're talking about!

The one with the big black
bog brush on his head.

You're expecting me
to ask him for a kidney?

He's never given anyone
anything in his life.

Wh-when we explain the
importance, the idea of him

being a donor might appeal.

Kryten, read
the cat dictionary.

There's only one
meaning for "donor".

A kind of kabob.

He's a cat.
He can't help himself.

He has his selfish side,

But if it wasn't for you, Sir,
he wouldn't exist -

neither would his species.

Plus, Sir, you're buds.

He'll come through,
of course he will!

Didn't I tell you
he'd look like that?

Hey, hey, hey!

How ya doin', Bud?!

They said you
wanted to see me.

Cat, take a seat.

What have they told ya?

What's to tell?

We all got out in
one piece, right?

Right.

Erm...

Listen, I've got a
really big favor to ask you.

Go ahead, ask!

Forgive the interruption, Sir.

I suddenly remembered
you haven't eaten.

Here you go.

Soup, a roll,
and a vitamin booster.

Great!
I'm famished.

But that was for...

I'll get some more, Sir.

I don't want any more!

I just need a main course.

And get me one of
those drip things,

like he's got.

Listen Cat,
as I was saying...

And some
Himalayan sea salt!

Listen Cat...

You wanted to
ask me something?

Yeah. Look, I'm not going to
beat about the bush here,

I'm just going to come
right out and say it.

Just going to come
right out and say it.

I'm not going to beat
about the bush.

I'm just going to come
right out and say it.

In a minute.

I need you to....

give me....

one of your kidneys.

Kidneys?!

This is fish!

Not the food, you doink -
the organ!

That crazy droid
organ-napped mine,

then they got nuked
in the gunfight.

So let me
get this straight;

I give you one of
my kidneys,

what do I get?

A hole.

Where your
kidney used to be.

So, I give you a kidney,
you give me a hole?

You keep the kidney,
I keep the hole?

My gift to you.

I tell you what,

it's not your kidneys that
need replacing,

it's your damn brain!

Cat, if you don't give me
a kidney and I die,

think how you'll feel!

Better than you!!

You know what,
I think this is all a front

from you.
It's just all a front.

Because I know you.
I know you.

And when push
comes to shove,

you'll do what's right.

W-well I won't do what's right!

I hate doing what's right!!

All these years
being together,

you think someone
knows you!

You don't
know me at all!!

Where's that sea salt!

Do I have to do everything
myself around here?!?

Ah. I thought you
might be here.

How can I be
of service, Sir?

I'd quite like to see you
with regard to your...

psychiatric skills.

I've got some issues
with my father,

who I discovered
wasn't my father,

Also, I've got some issues
with my mother,

who very sadly
is my mother.

Also, I've got brothers.

I should probably sit down.

But when I woke up
in the morning,

she was gone.

And so was the lettuce.

Why would anyone do that
to my teddy bear?

And she was
shouting at me!

More talcum powder,

more talcum powder!

But I didn't have any
talcum powder!

Why did she get
the green crayon?

So, what do you think?

You've said nothing
all session,

and if you don't
say anything,

how can I ever feel
better about myself?

Unless, of course,
you're doing it deliberately.

But why?

You want me,

to realize the only person
who can help me,

is me!

My god, that's just cut
straight to the heart of it.

No wonder they call
you brilliant!

I confess I was
skeptical at first,

I think it was the
egg-flipper thing

that rotates on your head
that put me off,

but you are right -
it's about me,

I've got to look
inside myself

and find my own hero!

Is that "time up"?

Look, I'll see you
next session.

Well, he said no.

What are we going to do?

Well I've got an idea.

How's your "lie mode" these days?

You still do that crazy,
nervous stuttery thing?

Please, Sir.

I am now fluent in all
the deceptive arts.

I could work
for FIFA!

Ah, there you are, Sir.

I've been looking
everywhere for you.

There's been the most

t-t-t-t-t-t-terrible mix up

with the m-m-m-medical results.

Mix up?!

Yes Sir.

It's not Mr.-m-Mr.-m-Mr. Lister

who needs
a new kidney, Sir -

it's you!

Me?!

Yes Sir, you!

I'll need a new kidney?!

Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-yes, Sir.

I must go and tell Mr. Lister.
He will be so pleased!

Hey, no-no-no-wait!
Slow down!

I need to see him first!

Hey there Buddy,
I've come to tuck you in!

Okay.

Here I go,

Tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck,
tucky, tucky, tuck!

Tucky, tucky, tucky, tucky,
tuck, tuck, tuck.

Oh, by the way,

I thought about what you said
about the kidney thing?

And I thought...

What would you do

if this whole situation
was reversed?

You know what I'd do.

I'd give you a kidney in
ten seconds flat.

That's why I'm going to give
you one of my kidneys.

No way!

It's yours, Bud!

Just slice me open
and haul it out.

And while
you're in there,

if you take a shine
to anything else,

just grab that, too!

You want 20 yards
of my lower intestine?

Just unroll that sucker,
throw it over your shoulder

and stroll on out!

What's mine is yours,
and what's yours is mine.

Budskis 'til the day I get my
first wrinkle, right?!

Right.

What's this?

Consent form.
You need to sign it.

Well give me a pen.
Let's get this done!

'Cause like you said,

if the roles
were reversed,

you'd be there for me, right?

Damn right.

Uh, it's just one "t", right?

I knew that!

Oh, Mr. Lister, Sir.

I scarcely know
where to begin.

Calm down, Bud!

Whatever's wrong?

I got the kidney tests
mixed up!

Nooo!!

He got the kidney tests
mixed up!

At first, I thought
it was Mr. Lister

who had no kidneys.

But when I checked
the results again,

I discovered
that it was you

who had no kidneys, Sir.

I'm going to have to
get myself a kidney then.

But where?

But then I thought to myself,

if you have no kidneys,

how come you're not dead?

Yeah.

How come you're not dead?

Why is that?

Well then I went and looked
at the medi-results again,

and blow me!

I discovered I hadn't made
a mistake after all.

I beg your pardon?

Yeah. Mr. Lister
needs new kidneys,

not you, Sir.

I've got the form.

I've got it signed.

Let's get smocked up
and do this.

What's that?!

Pre-op injection, Sir.

It will help you relax.

Oh, I very much doubt that!

Asclepius, are you ready
to rewrite the DNA?

Before we begin,

what do you do when
a bunch of people

think you're some Fancy Dan
DNA medi-computer when,

in fact, that's not
what you do at all?

What do you do?

Look on my back.

"Snacky".
Automated snack dispenser.

For service, please call...

there's a number with a
Milton Keynes dialing code.

So where does
this leave us?

Well, without a
state-of-the-art medi-bot,

we can't rewrite the Cat's DNA
and his kidneys

won't be compatible.

It's like V.H.S.
and Betamax -

or the Catholic church
and science.

Kryten, when we
were on that space station,

we came across
this skeleton, right.

It was weird because
the DNAon the knife

was the same

as the DNA
in the body.

Could this Romero guy

have somehow been
killed by his own clone?

And if so,
can we clone me?

I hate to be the bearer
of bad news,

but Romero wasn't killed
by his own clone.

Well who killed him, then?

He was a stasis engineer
working on a project

to hack stasis booths

in order to create a portal

back into the past.

He used to talk about it
with his colleagues

when they were
ordering snacks.

One day, his
future self appeared

and told him to
never go back in time,

or he'd be stabbed to death.

The younger Romero refused
to believe him,

and stabbed him to death.

He realized what a terrible
thing he'd done,

so he went back in time
to warn his younger self,

but got stabbed to death.

Could we use his
research somehow?

You mean use
Romero's configuration

to go back in time,

and take the younger
Mr. Lister's kidney's

and insert them
into you, Sir?

But wouldn't his
future self drop dead?

Not if we insert
an MTK chip in him

to keep him going,
until he turns

from younger Mr. Lister

into present-day Mr. Lister!

How can you nick my
internal organs

with me not noticing?

We chloroform you,

swipe your kidneys,

and then you wake up
feeling groggy,

think you must have
got black-out drunk-

which you did!

You know, that's right!

I blacked out,

and then spent
two days in bed

feeling like the living dead.

No offense.

And I couldn't
understand it

'cause I could only remember
having two drinks.

But it wasn't that -
it was 'cause I had no kidneys,

I only have the MTK
chip keeping me alive!

You know, I believe we
can do this, Sir!

How?

No one knows how to
reconfigure the stasis booths.

What about you?

I'm a snack machine.

Did you overhear Romero

when he was talking
about the adjustments?

But he only ever figured out
how to go back 30 years.

Going back just a few days
needs precision accuracy.

Well, you could build
on his findings.

I'm just a snack dispenser.
I just dispense snacks.

But when we had
our therapy sessions,

you taught me how to find
the hero inside myself.

No, I didn't.

And you know why?

I-I'm just a
snack dispenser.

Yes, you're just
a snack dispenser

if you think you're just
a snack dispenser,

but you're not only
a snack dispenser,

you're something more

if you decide you want
to be something more!

You taught me that
in our first session!

I didn't teach you anything.
You know why?!?

Me, me, me, me!
I got this one!

Is it because you're
a snack dispenser?

I'm a snack dispenser!

Let me ask you
a few questions.

How do you unify
the triode valve?

You reduce the
transmoculiter ??? settings.

Yes!

Did you know that?

No. It's just a long word.

It's good enough for me.

What does
G.F.R. stand for?

Gyrospectic functioning rate.

You're right.
Perhaps I can do this.

Okay.
Get me to the nearest stasis booth.

There.
That should do it.

All right then.
Let's do this!

Oh! Before we do,

can I have a pack
of twirly-whirlers?

Please.

I'm a stasis booth engineer.

You've changed.

It's Sunday!
It worked!

The MTK chip
is expiring, Sir.

We haven't
got much time!

Tough as
old boots.

What now?

We've got to
return that Lister

to the sleeping quarters

and then get this Lister
back to the present.

Where he can recuperate
in the science room

and get back
to full health.

Someone's coming!

It's crucial we're not discovered
by our old selves.

It could discombobulate
the entire space-time continuum!

Quick!
In here!

Where to, Sirs?

The sleeping quarters,
and make it snappy.

Lift coming, Sir.

Come on,
come on!

Why are you
always so slow?!

I've seen snails with clubbed feet
travel faster than you.

The French Army after
lunch move quicker!

Sir, your past self
is calling for the lift.

Don't tell him anything.
You'll blow the time line.

He's getting really angry, Sir.

Ignore him.
He's an idiot.

But he's you!

He's "past" me.

"Present" me is a
whole lot smarter.

I understand now why
you were so slow.

You were transporting us,
but you couldn't tell me.

He's threatening
to fire me, Sir.

How can you fire a lift?

What is wrong with him?
He's a total gimboid.

Look, I'll make it right
when I'm back in the present.

I'll un-fire you.
Promote you, even.

Install you in
that swanky

glass shaft over on the
officer's deck.

How does that sound?

Officer's deck?
That sounds marvelous, Sir!

I'll get the other one!

Lights!

Wait for me!!

A couple of days

recuperating in
the science room, Sir

and you'll be
right as rain.

So I'm going to be okay?

And so will the past you,

whose kidneys you

body-napped
to give to yourself.

Where would
I be without me.

Probably sat here
without any kidneys.

Whereas now, I'm sat there
without any kidneys.

Good 'ol me, eh?

Ah, hello Rimmer.
Remember me?

Of course!

They moved you down to
Shaft 6?

Three weeks I've been
waiting for that promotion

you promised me.

Yeah. That sort of
slipped my mind.

I've got some news.

Snacky's installed a
new killer power reactor

to my counter balance,

which means I can now
travel between floors

at close to the
speed of light.

I haven't tested
it yet, though.

I've been waiting
for you, Rimmer.

Close to the
speed of light?

I'm going to take you
on the ride of your life.

Now hang on!

No.

You hang on.