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A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL

This is Fortaleza!

Good evening, Fortaleza.

Yeah!

Thank you!
Please give a warm welcome

to my keyboardist, maestro Caio César.

A round of applause for Caio César!

My man!

He's in charge of our soundtrack,
so the show can be cool and fun.

I got married this year... to a woman!
How cool is that? That's very good.

That's very good.
Because we have to evolve.

People have to grow, right?

And today, thank God,

I have a standard of life
I never thought I could have.

I'm telling you, for real.

I feel blessed for everything
that's going on in my life.

And I don't forget anything
I went through when I was poor.

I keep it deep in my heart

to help me keep my feet on the ground,
my humility,

my essence, which is what
you like about me.

Actually, it's what made
you be here tonight, right?

And thank God--

I get emotional.
I remember I used to ride...

What's that thing people ride on?

A bus. That's it, I used to ride the bus.

But it was a long time ago.

We have to grow, man.
Learn how to share, you know?

Everybody must share things.
No one can--

Let me explain it in a parable,
so you understand.

Turn on the light we use
when we talk to God, please.

Do we have it? That's it.

That's good.

Now, some smoke if you can, please.

They push a button and smoke comes out.

Go ahead.

Don't hold back. Go on.

Yeah. Give me some more smoke.

Turn this into a reggae concert.

Yeah, very...

That's it!

Over here.

It's all going that way.

That's it. Play a sad song for me, please.
I'm going to explain.

Hallelujah.

There were three rats...

hungry...

alone...

not knowing where to go.

So, the first rat...

found a cheese crumb.

The rats got excited.

They said, "Yay!

Yay, we have cheese!"

So the rat in the back

looked at the rat who found
the cheese crumb and said,

"Jerry...

are you going to share with us?"

Jerry said, "My friend, I'm hungry."

And he ate it all.

He didn't share.

The rats continued walking...

hungry...

alone...

aimlessly.

Then the second rat...

found another cheese crumb.

The rats happily said, "Yay!

Yay!

We have cheese!"

So the rat in the back
looked at the second rat

who had found
the second cheese crumb and said,

"Mickey...

are you going to share with us?"

And Mickey said, "I am hungry!"

He didn't share. He ate it all!

The rats kept on walking...

hungry...

alone.

They saw Ratatouille and a friend
smoking crack in the middle of the street.

That's when the third rat...

found a whole cheese wheel, guys.

Look at the brother beside you and say,
"A whole cheese wheel."

Poke him, brother, and say,
"A whole cheese wheel."

The rats got excited.

They said, "Yay, motherfucker!

We have cheese for the whole year!"

So both rats...

who had found
the cheese crumbs and not shared...

looked at the third rat and said,

"Stuart Little...

are you going to share that with us?"

Stuart Little, at that moment,
his eyes filled with tears...

deeply moved...

because the other rats had found cheese
but hadn't shared,

and he had enough for everyone.

It was time to teach them
what was right.

He looked at them and said,
"Fuck you. None of you shared!"

That's the lesson I have for you today.

Hey...

always share.

Because I was poor...

but not the usual type of poor.
I used to say "sork."

"Enqual."

"Chulch."

The worst one, "berry button."

Many people here are saying,
"Isn't it berry button?"

When I see old photos of myself, I think,
"How could you like that?" I was born...

with my head the same size
as it is today.

In school, I was called "Megamind,"
if you know what I mean.

Dreadful!

And my dad was happy.

He went to the hospital and said,
"My son was born!

Is my son here?"

My dad went into a room

with a door that said,
"Extremely Beautiful Kids."

Dad was never able to imagine what
he and my mom would look like together

and realize that that wouldn't go well.

Dude, my dad is ugly.

He's my grandfather's worst sperm.
He's ugly.

I'm always scared.
When I see my relatives, they say,

"You're the spitting image of your dad."
I'm like, "Oh, no!"

I didn't know how to do anything.

I was a kid from Piauí's countryside
and the only thing I did was play soccer.

That's all I could do.

And not like the boys from São Paulo.
Today, I live in São Paulo.

I see kids playing,
and it's nothing like the kids here.

Zero. Nothing.

The kids are all like...

running.

Mom, from the 15th floor,

"It's time for your strawberry juice
with strawberries!"

The kid goes running...

Have you noticed that rich kids run like
someone's pushing them from behind?

All crooked.

No way!

And the boys want to hold our hands.

"Uncle Whinds--" I don't touch
a 12-year-old's hand. It stinks of cock.

I just don't.

And sometimes it is not even theirs.

That's why I--
The whole time they're like...

Wash your hands, filthy brat.

I do hold old men's hands.

They don't touch their cock,
only their pants, like this.

Old men are the best.

I can't wait to get old and tell everyone
to fuck off, like old men do.

It's amazing.

If you think about it,
old men are very cool.

Old men sleep... out of the blue.

And they say they don't.

What about the ones who sleep
and move a little to say they're awake?

"Man, go sleep in your bed!"

Nothing stresses them.
That's why I like old men.

Teenagers get stressed about everything.

They brush their teeth before school,

the toothpaste drips on their shirt...
"I hate my family!" And they storm out.

Fuck you, you brat!

They get pissed.

Old men don't.

An old man is going out,
he starts buttoning his shirt...

He sees the last one
is misplaced and he says,

"Fuck this! I'll just tuck it in here."

He puts on a Nellore cap and leaves.

A sneeze is like a punch in the gut.
Jesus Christ.

An old man's sneeze is the loudest thing
you'll ever hear.

Teenagers seem to be afraid
that others find out they sneezed.

They go... "Oh, sorry.

Gee!"

Old men may be in a novena.

Deep silence and he...

"I think I'm getting the flu."

And he leaves all...

"Whoever heard it, fine.
Whoever didn't, screw you!"

That's the way they are. man.
That's old men for you.

Now, teens...

For me, a kid from Piauí... It's crazy.
Playing soccer is different.

The same thing happens here in Ceará.

If you compare kids from Ceará
and from Piauí--

Actually, the whole north and northeast...
Amazonas...

You notice that kids have a habit...

a "craze," as the elderly say, right?

You pass them the ball
and they automatically,

when the ball touches their foot,
their hand bends.

I don't know why, but it goes like this.

Immediately. It's touch and go...

What about the kicking grimace?

Until the ball lands on the ground.

That's what happens.

But we're very competitive.

Northeasterners love to win.

I was very competitive.
I was a goalkeeper. I'd be like...

All twisted, like a crab.

But I wanted to win. I was good.
The ball would come and I...

Over here, I'd be like...
Then here and I... I'd catch everything.

But the kids didn't want me to catch.
They tried to distract me.

They put four guys behind my goal,

playing and singing a song...

to distract me.

I was there, catching balls,
and the drumming began.

They started singing...

Grab, grab, grab
Grab my dick

Grab, grab, grab
Grab my dick

I said, "What the hell?"
I looked, they were like...

I was pissed.

They changed the lyrics
and I didn't like it.

The goalkeeper grabs my dick
I said, "No, wait!"

Because children believe it.
Children take it seriously.

They hide their hands and say,
"I'm not grabbing anybody's dick!"

They take it seriously.

In that match alone,
I didn't stop eight goals. Eight!

Next match, "Grab, grab, grab my dick."
Twelve goals.

Twelve!

In the third match,
the fans started singing along, man.

Then I-- I want you to sing,
so I can remember.

Play it, so they can sing it out loud.
Everybody!

Grab, grab, grab

Grab my dick

Yeah! Only the moms now!

Grab, grab, grab
Grab my dick

The Assembly of God.
One, two, three...

Grab, grab, grab
Grab my dick

That's exactly what I felt.

The embarrassment.

I see it in your face.
The moms beside their kids like...

"By my side!"

I was like that.

Fourth game, the coach,
"Whindersson, to the goal!"

I said, "No way, champ, I'm not going."
"Why?"

"I'm not grabbing anyone's dick, dude!

Are you crazy?"

I sat on the bench...

they put in the reserve
Nobody gave a damn about him!

Didn't give a damn. It's crazy.

The guys asked the reserve,

"Where is Whindersson?
Isn't he coming today?"

The fans were sad
because there would be no music.

I was on the bench like,
"Let's see who's grabbing dicks here."

In less than five minutes,
the guys were behind the bench.

And the reserve grabs my dick
Behind me.

Behind me, man!

I was pissed!

Pissed!

So, I changed, man!

The pressure was so much
I changed sports.

I started capoeira.

Then I took one capoeira class.

One.

One class, Fortaleza.

One single capoeira class.

In my mind, I had graduated in capoeira.
I don't even know if you can graduate.

People would say, "Good morning!"
I'd be like...

"You dropped your guard, sucker!"

I'd go to my grandma's and she'd ask,
"The blessing?"

"Here. Take it!"

She'd stand up and say,
"May God make you happy."

Impressed!

Then I went to school
to watch the rest of the championship.

An inter-class championship
that was going on. I sat on the bleachers.

This time I wasn't the goalkeeper,
so no "grabbing my dick."

I sat on the bleachers.

On my class team that was playing...

there was Osvaldinho. Osvaldinho...

was a 15-year-old boy from school.

He weighed 26 pounds.

He was skinny!
The skinniest person I've ever--

His nickname
was godforsaken praying mantis.

Just to give you an idea.
He was really skinny.

And the other team had Cleiton.

Cleiton was a 28-year-old kid.

He was in the sixth grade,

had a stab wound on his forehead.

He would ride his motorcycle to school
and park it in the classroom,

during class,

and nobody would say a damn thing.
He'd get there like...

He'd get off, and the teacher,
"Look, Cleiton is here, everybody!"

We would stand up...

Good morning, Cleiton
How are you?

Everybody together...

Afraid of being punched,
stabbed, or whatever.

Cool.

I was watching the game,
the ball going back and forth.

Then the ball was free midfield.
I looked to one side, I saw Osvaldinho...

I looked to the other,
there was Cleiton...

on his bike.

I said, "He's dead."

Said and done.
Osvaldinho got there first,

trapped the ball. Cleiton got there...
and killed Osvaldinho.

Yeah. Man, I saw it from afar.

From the bleachers,
I saw 26-pound Osvaldinho go...

And he rested there.

He rested, stayed there.

He did.

I was on the bleachers,
I had nothing to do with the story...

I had nothing to do with the fight,
I wasn't even playing.

I wasn't close to Osvaldinho,
let alone to Cleiton.

But I had taken one capoeira class.

I said, "This is God giving me a chance
to show off my art to everyone."

I stood up and said, "Hey!

Motherfucker.

Is that dude crazy or what?"

I looked him in the eyes and said,

"Fight with someone who can fight."

Have you ever said something you regretted
right after finishing the sentence?

Don't we all have moments
we regret immediately?

I regretted it as if there was
an immediate sign from God.

I looked at him and said,
"Fight with someone can fight."

Hold

The hand of God

Hold

The hand of God

My friends were all in slow motion.
People passing by me were like...

"You are so fucked."

The principal passed by and did this...
"Your asshole is so fucked."

The angels came down and said,
"Such a young kid, guys. Dear God!

It wasn't a motorcycle accident.
What was it, then?"

I tried my first move, Cleiton went...

Black screen.

I heard nothing else but...

"Whindersson..."

And I replied, "Jesus..."

"What have you done, son?"

"I thought I had powers, Daddy.

Jesus?"

When I opened my eyes,

Osvaldinho was on top of me,
"Whindersson..."

I stood up, only Osvaldinho and I
were on the field.

No one else was there.

I tried breathing,
my lips were swollen, I was like...

I looked at him and said, "Osvaldinho.

What happened, Osvaldinho?"

He said, "You tried defending me
and you got your ass kicked."

I had to make up an excuse, right?

I looked at Osvaldinho and said,
"Of course...

there was no music.
Capoeira requires music."

That's the only thing
I could think of at that moment.

That was all I could do.

Thank God everything turned out well.
I got married this year.

We got married in Maceió.

It was a beautiful wedding,
really amazing.

I have no regrets.

Many people ask
why we got married so soon.

"Why'd you get married so soon?
You guys are so young!"

I say, "We wanted to do it
while we still love each other."

I don't want to get married
to save the relationship.

Some people get married to save it.

"Let's get married?"
"Yeah, let's get fucking married."

"Sign here."
"You sign, you wretched demon."

No! Get married willingly.

Luísa and I do everything on the 28th.

On the 28th, it's sacred. Our first kiss,
the day I asked her to date me,

the proposal... There's no mistake.

What day was it? The 28th. That's it.

It's the 28th. Period.
So, the 28th was coming up,

and we wanted to get married on the 28th.
"What are we going to do?"

I was working on a movie
or recording something.

She was working on video clips, songs.
I said, "Let's hire a wedding planner."

They are people who plan
the wedding for you.

They say things, interview you,
"What do you like?"

You tell them, and they set it up.

The problem is,
when people knew it was our wedding...

they wanted to overcharge us.

I'm not falling for that!

Man, it's been three years
since I've started making big money.

Before that, I had "sorks"
and "berry buttons" in my life.

People judge us.

They think since I'm friends
with Luciano Huck, I'm as rich as he is.

I wish, man!
I've been to Luciano Huck's house.

I spent 15 minutes
looking for the gate lock. Fifteen.

Fifteen. It wasn't even a gate,
it was a door, which opened suddenly.

The vacuum pulled me in, like this...
I said, "Gosh!"

I saw the man's living room,

full of vases, paintings,
a rock in the middle of the room--

If I had one, people would say,
"Whindersson is nuts.

He's gone crazy
and put a rock in the room."

Since it's Luciano Huck, people think,
"Wow, it must be an asteroid!

I'm not touching it, it might be hot!

Thanos himself might have sent
it to him, right?"

I said, "I won't touch it."

I put my elbows in like this,
so I wouldn't break anything.

I said, "This is a trap!

He wants me to break something
so I can work for him on his TV show."

I stood still, just waiting.
Out of nowhere, Luciano's voice.

"Whindersson!"

I said, "Hey!"

He said, "Insane."

He said, "Come here!"
I said, "Where?"

He said, "The kitchen!"
I said, "Send me the location!

I'll call an Uber to get there."

Finding him wasn't easy.

I only did because I saw
his nose behind the door, so...

If it weren't for that...

That guy's house is amazing!
There are two kinds of rich people.

The impressive one, where you say,
"Wow, this guy has money!"

And the one you laugh at and say,
"What the hell, bro?"

That's what I did when I went in
Luciano's bathroom.

A couch...
I get in and there is a couch in the--

Some people here
don't have a couch in the living room.

The man had a couch in the bathroom.
I was like, "What the hell is this?

This guy is..."

What does he do?

I wonder if he sits and thinks,
"Should I shit today?"

I wonder if he's lazy to wipe his ass,
so he drags it from one side to the other.

I have no idea!

No idea!

But--

Bro...

There's a fucking lot of employees
at the guy's house.

Like, a lot!

Bro, there were people everywhere.
In kitchen, about eight people,

making food, cleaning the living room.

Everywhere I went there was someone
behind me, like in the Olympics.

People pruning trees, mowing the lawn...

It was crazy. Too many--
I doubt he knew their names.

He called them "poor guy".
"Poor guy, come here!

Call that other poor guy
and take this table over there."

It was crazy.

There's a huge forest in the guy's house.

He's probably bought a couple of curupiras
so they could run around...

It's amazing, bro!

The kind of wealth that makes you--

But that dude has been working on TV
for over 20 years, so...

Neymar! Holy fucking crap, bro!

I had dinner with Neymar
and I won't ever do that again.

I'm not crazy.

I went to London.

I was doing a show in London.

Many people ask,
"How are the shows abroad?

Do you speak English?"
I don't know any English!

My shows are for Brazilians abroad.
Because Brazilians are everywhere

in this fucking world!

It's true.

Wherever you go, there are Brazilians.

Anywhere in the world.

I think it's amazing, actually.

It's awesome.

Dude, I found a Brazilian guy

in Poland.

He was from the northeast.

True story! He was skiing down
a mountain when I heard...

He passed by me like...

I said...

"Jesus! He lives near my place."

They are everywhere!

So, I was doing a show in London.

Brazil was going to play the next day.

But the soccer team must stay
in the hotel, they can't leave.

So I'm there, all cool.
Suddenly, I get a message.

Neymar: "Whindersson, let's have dinner?"
I said, "Oh, my God!"

If I were having dinner, I'd finish
and go have dinner with Neymar.

So, there I went.
I arrived at a super fancy hotel.

Inside the hotel,
a super fancy restaurant.

Inside the restaurant,
only old rich people.

A lot of old rich people

and some young ones waiting
for them to die to get their money.

I went in, there were so many rich people
I forgot how to walk. I was like...

And people were like,
"Guys, look! A poor guy!

Make a video! I never saw one
this close! Guys!"

And a kid was like,
"Daddy, buy one of those for me!"

I said, "Bro!"

No way!

Making fun? Fuck!

I walked away.

I got to Neymar, sat down,
and everything changed.

I sat by the man and people
were like, "Wow!" I was like, "Yeah!"

"Oh, Lord. He's friends
with Neymar. Dammit!"

Neymar, "What's up?"
I said, "Hey, bro. Cool?"

He said, "Man, choose something to eat.

I'm going to get my phone,
I forgot it in my room."

I said, "Okay."
He got in the elevator and went up.

I started wondering, "Fuck!

Not too long ago,
I was in Piauí eating mangoes.

Now, I'm in London in the same hotel
and restaurant as Neymar.

We're having dinner together.

You know what, bro?

Tonight I feel like spending big money.

Fuck it, man!

Life can't be all about working,
like an idiot.

What if I cross the street
and a car... kills me?

Then this loser ascends, my money
stays here, and I go, 'Where is it?'

No! I'm spending big time!

I don't give a damn!"
I see the waiter and shout, "Hey!

Hey, dude!

Hey!"

The waiter comes up.

"Give me the menu.

With the foods and all."
I took it and started browsing.

"Water...

200 dollars."

I closed it and said,
"You may take it, sir. I'm good."

Even if I were choking on a turd,
I wouldn't buy that water.

I'd rather buy a broomstick for 20 reals
and push it down.

I'm not crazy, man! Hey!

Man, what the hell is in the water,
for Christ's sake?

How do they make the water? Does
Rihanna piss and people fill the bottles?

Here goes one, here goes two...

No, come on!

I said, "I'm not eating here!
I'm making up a story and leaving."

Neymar came back and said,
"Hey. Did you choose a dish?"

I said, "Man, no. I gotta go."

He said, "What happened?"
"A friend of mine is in the hospital."

He said, "I was going to pay."
"Then I'm staying here with you."

"What about your friend?"
I said, "He's dead already, man!

He's just a huge burden, man.

He's there just...

Let's eat!

Let's eat!

Hand me the menu, champ!"
The waiter came.

I started browsing.
The cheapest dish in that restaurant--

I'm not lying, man.

One thousand dollars.

Do the math!
It's four thousand reals, man!

Man, that can change the life
of four families.

It's crazy.

I looked at Neymar and said,
"Hey, man, you're gonna break me!

One thousand dollars? No way!

Let's go to a cheaper place!"
He looked at me and said, "Chill, bro!

It's on me.

Order whatever you want!"

I said, "Neymar!

Okay.

Cool."

I looked at it and said,
"One thousand 'dollies'...

He thinks that's cheap, right?

Two thousand 'dollies'...

three thousand 'dollies'..

four thousand 'dollies'..."

I looked and Neymar was smiling.

I thought, "He wants to show off!
Okay, then!"

Five thousand 'dollies'...

Eight thousand 'dollies'."

That's insane.
I don't-- What price is that?

What's in that dish?

Really, what in it is worth $8,000?

Because it was all planted the same way.

Some guy took a class, then...

"Eight thousand dollars!
That can't be right, man!

Man, for crying out loud!

I'm ordering it.

The man's buying, not me.

Let's see
what an $8,000 dish tastes like."

The food was so bad that,
while I was eating, I kept thinking,

"I should've asked for the money
and eaten somewhere else.

I could buy two croquettes there...

and go back with--"

Man, for the love of God! I was eating
and his phone started ringing.

I said, "Hey, man, it's ringing."
He answered and said, "Hey.

Holy fuck, bro!"

I was eating and looking at him.

I was eating and the whole time thinking,

"You'll leave only after you pay
the fucking bill.

I'll punch you in the face...

You like falling, right?
You'll fall for real when I punch you.

You're so going to pay."

I was so focused on his conversation that
I was sticking the fork on my forehead.

I was sticking it here,
then I said, "Gosh!"

Then I heard him say,
"No problem, bro!

I'll be right there.

Whindersson, I have to go."

And he left.

"Neymar!

Ney!

There's a Corolla here, Neymar.

The price of a Corolla.

I don't even like Corollas."

Then the waiter shows up
with the card machine...

in London.

I didn't know a word of English.

I said "good morning" at night.

The guy came with the machine and said--
I said... right?

There was a Brazilian behind me who said,
"He's asking you to pay."

I said, "Pay?" I choked.

When I choked, the guy said,
"He's choking!

Bring something! Bring him juice!"
I said, "No!

Are you fucking crazy?

A water costs $ 200, man!

Don't do that--" Never again!

There are days when I'm starving.

Neymar says, "Let's have dinner?"
I say, "Nah!

I'm having ramen, just to..."

It's not happening, dude. Never again!
Then, on my wedding...

people try to overcharge me?

The planner said,
"The invitations are ready.

Eleven thousand reals."
I said, "Are you eating shit?

You must be eating turds.
For 11,000 reals, I don't need invitation.

I can buy a Ford Celta, drive it around,
and invite people, one by one.

I'll put a speaker on top of it
and say, 'Wedding!

Wedding!'"

No! For God's sake!

"Look, it's because...

they each cost 300 reals."

I said, "Give me one
and I'll send it via WhatsApp."

That's screwed up!

Are you crazy, my friend? No.

"Let's have a lot of flowers!
I want flowers!

A lot of flowers. Everywhere..."

I said, "Hey, are you crazy?

Flowers are expensive!"

If you've ever given flowers,
you know what I mean.

Flowers are expensive.
The worst bouquet costs 100 reals.

A grass and lettuce bouquet
costs 100 reals.

"If you put flowers everywhere, I'll go
bankrupt and live under the flowers."

The guy said,
"But flowers are the wedding's soul!"

I said, "No soul, then!

It'll be a soulless wedding.
Just the two of us is fine."

He said, "But there must be flowers."
I said, "So just a few. Okay?

Like, two. One here,
another one there. That's it.

For photos, people can lean here,
make a pose, and be done.."

Come on, flowers, my man?

"It's just a few flowers."

I said, "Do I have your word?"
"You have my word."

I said, "Do you promise?"
He said, "I promise."

And that was it. Luísa, said "I want
Father Fábio de Melo to marry us"

I said, "Who doesn't, sweetie?"

That man is handsome, jacked up.

He does communion like this...

He's--

Now, her family, my friend,
they had never come to the northeast.

Never ever. It was the first time.

They took a plane
from Rio Grande do Sul...

to Maceió.
My friends from Piauí came by bus...

When both families arrived...

one beside the other, man.

It was such a contrast!

It's crazy. My wife's relatives
would step out of the car--

They looked like Thor....

Upwards.

Amazing!

Mine would step out...

I get a little nauseous when I remember.

Such freaking ugly people, guys!

Holy crap!

All skewed!

There was not a single shoulder
as high as the other. None.

None!

And my wife's friends wanted
to find a husband in my wedding.

The cutest of my friends
walked like this, limping.

And he couldn't reach the ladies,
because he'd start turning around.

Like this...

He couldn't move forward.

He couldn't.

He even let me make this joke
about him.

And he doesn't limp that much!

He just lifts his ass a little bit.
Like...

Shallow, deep, shallow, deep...

It's just a little bit.

Her sister, man.

My wife's sister is four years old.
She's this small.

"Mommy, may I go in the ocean?"
Her mother, "Honey...

you can't go in the water."

The girl understood.

My cousin, same age,
"Mommy, let me go in the water!"

And his mother, "Go!

You were born in the fucking water!"

A four-year-old boy.

He was four.

When his mother said he couldn't go,
he turned into a fan. He got down and,

"Mommy, let me go in the water!"

He went crazy!

He went crazy!

Spinning like a beyblade!

I love angry Northeastern mom's
'cause when they're pissed,

they speak their own language.
No one understands.

She grabs the kid's arm and,
"I'll spank you right here."

"I'll break your neck
in front of everyone."

She even greets a friend.
"I will smack you--

How are you?

I'll break your neck."

She gets pissed...

and decides everything for the kid.

It's incredible.

The kids also get very annoyed.

"Do you want candy?"
"He doesn't like candy."

The kid's like, "I don't like candy."

"Like heck I don't like candy."

"I sold my ass for candy."

"I don't like candy."

The kid's pissed.

"Why can't I go in the water?"
"We don't have floats."

When I looked over,

fifteen of my cousins
had Coke bottles under their arms.

Fifteen of them went in,
only eleven got out.

That obviously doesn't work well.

Unbelievable.

Family is something amazing. And we
are different, there's no denying it.

Northeasterners are different.
We are different.

I say this because...

I married a southern girl.

It's a different culture.
It's something else.

And we invited everyone for dinner.
"Guys, let's all have dinner."

And Northeasterners have a thing,
When you set a time...

it has to start at that exact time...

or they start dropping hints.

We scheduled dinner for eight o'clock.
It was 40 minutes past eight,

people were like,
"If I'd known it was at midnight...

I'd had left home at midnight.
On time, right?"

We scheduled dinner for eight o'clock.

Eight o'clock. When it was 8:15,

no food yet, my uncle stood up and said,
"Yeah, let's take off!

If I'd known, I'd have eaten at home.

The table isn't even set. Jesus Christ!

Whoever died at eight o'clock
rotted already."

Thank God they served the shrimp.

When the shrimp arrived,
people settled down.

They started eating.

And I, with my comedian eyes--

Comedians are observers.
You've seen everything I'm saying here,

but you didn't pay attention.
I paid attention to them eating shrimp.

The southern people wouldn't eat
the tail, only the body.

They only eat the--

"Very good. Have you tried it?"

And my friends were like...

"Don't you want it anymore?
If you don't, give it to me!"

They were all eating.
I looked at the southerners,

they'd put the tails here...

"Good."

The guys were devouring everything.
I found it funny.

They wouldn't eat the tail.
So, I went to talk to a friend,

Francisquinho, from Piauí's countryside,

one of the most ignorant people
I've ever met.

I shouldn't have asked him.

I said, "Look, Francisquinho,
they don't eat shrimp tail.

Do you like tail?"
"I'll even fuck your ponytail."

What the heck?

You saying that here?

In a wedding, dude?

Dinner was over,
only my dad and I stayed there...

with Luísa's father.
We started talking.

Her father talked
about their family origins.

"You know, our family...

is 50% from Germany...

and 50% from Italy."

I was like, "Please don't ask!"

He said, "What about yours?"
"Dad, you don't need to..."

"Ours? We were already there.

Not a lot of people came.
The tide went down

and we rose from rocks like...

Maybe they're still coming,
'cause it's so far away."

How the hell would I know?

They really speak their languages.
Luísa's grandmother speaks German.

Luísa's mother speaks it too.

They were talking there.

I only agreed. "Yeah, it's dangerous.
That can't happen."

And they were like...
And Francisquinho saw that.

I saw Francisquinho coming closer
and I was like, "No."

He came up to them and asked,
"What church are you from?"

My God.

Man, Francisquinho.

We even took the dogs for a walk.
It was awesome.

They annoyed the hell out of us,

pissing all over the hotel room.
I hate dog piss 'cause we slip on it.

Sometimes we see it, but when it's clear,
there's no warning. You slip on it.

I hate slipping.
Two things I absolutely hate.

First, choking on saliva.

Fuck! Why does it only happen
in the middle of a sentence?

You never choke by yourself.
No, when you're talking. "Yeah, man--"

So, you need to explain.
"I choked on saliva."

We try to make a joke out of it,
so we don't look so stupid.

"Gee, I must have lost it."

The other thing I hate is slipping.

I'd rather fall down than slip.
'Cause when you fall, you shut up.

You get so pissed that you shut up.

You get up. "What happened?"
"This fucking hole..."

Right? But when someone slips,
they just won't shut up.

They try to explain themselves.

they go like...

"Oh, my-- I didn't fall. I really didn't.

No, I was paying attention.
I held myself.

I was looking to the horizon.
That's why I didn't see...

But on the way back,
I'll come around like this."

I say, "Just shut up already. Go away."

I'd rather fall down.

It's much better.

You fall and sometimes
you stand up happy.

You stand up and say,
"I can't remember the last time I fell."

Adults don't fall that often,
just once a year.

They don't know how to fall.

Have you ever seen an adult fall?
It's ridiculous. They don't know how.

They don't use their hands.
They look like a bag of crap. Like...

"They're dead."

Not kids, though.
They fall 15 times a day.

They fall so much that we can trick them.

When a kid falls down,
everyone goes like...

The kid gets up like...

"Should I cry or not?"

"No, kiddo. You just jumped."
And the kid goes, "Oh!"

"I won't cry because of a jump." So...

Or you trick them
to forget about the pain.

They fall, you grab them and sing,

Hey, hey
The kid fell down

The kid didn't fall down

The kid doesn't know
whether to laugh or cry.

He grows up crazy.

My wedding day was amazing.

Everyone was well-dressed and pretty.

Except for my dad.
He was only well-dressed.

Clothes can't perform any miracles.

My mom was so fancy. She looked
like La Chilindrina going to Acapulco.

Walking like this.

And she wouldn't shut up.
My mom loves to talk.

God, if she were here,
she would go, "What's this?"

"A picture that I put there."

"And those?" "Lights."

It's bizarre when they're all on me.

"And these won't fall?" "Of course!

They fall on my head
and I die in every show.

Mom, can you please sit over there?"

Mom almost killed a turkey once,
'cause they repeat themselves.

You say, "Turkey." And they go...

I left mom in a farm
at seven in the morning.

When I came back at night,

I asked where the turkey was, she said,
"Over there." The turkey was like...

It was almost dead.

Almost dead.

She wouldn't...

shut up.

But when I walked in the church...

I felt it for real.
I had never felt that in my life.

Man, the moment I set foot in the church,

I started crying. Immediately.

I can't explain it.

Tears started running down my face, man.

I felt a huge lump in my throat.

I was sobbing.

I'm 23, I hadn't cried like that
in 20 years.

I was like...

sobbing and I felt like shouting.

I wanted to rip off my clothes
and shout...

when I saw the fuckton of flowers
that guy had put up there.

I saw the flowered walls and,
"Why are there flowers on the wall?"

I saw the floor and,
"Why are there flowers on the floor?"

I looked back and Luísa had a bouquet.
I said, "Oh, no!"

My uncles were sleeping.

I said, "Uncle, are you sleeping?"
"What? No, I'm not!

Just resting my eyes.

Did you get married?
Congratulations! Very well."

I said, "Not yet, uncle.
The bride is late."

He said, "Of course!

The guy who got married at five
has kids already."

You liked that, huh?

We went straight to the honeymoon.
I didn't care.

Fernando de Noronha. I thought
it'd be cheaper than the flowers.

Fernando de Noronha is, by far,

the most beautiful place I've ever been.
I've been to over 30 countries,

and Fernando de Noronha is
the most beautiful place I've ever been.

And it's in our Brazil. The problem is
that it's expensive. Because...

Thank you.

Fernando de Noronha.

But it's a bit expensive
because everything is protected.

It's a protected island. Understand?

Nothing you consume
in Noronha is from there.

Fish. "Oh, let's eat fish."
It wasn't fished there.

It comes either from Recife or Natal.
Everything is protected.

Only natives can eat things
from Fernando de Noronha.

People who have always lived there.

I don't know how they've emerged there,
but they did.

To give you an idea,

a croquette costs 18 reals
in Fernando de Noronha.

Just to give you an idea.

Now, it would be great
to know all this...

before you go.

Because I got to the door

and said, "Sir, we're newlyweds
on our honeymoon, and I have reservation."

He said, "You know there's an environment
preservation fee when you check-in."

I said, "Sure.

I just don't remember very well,
you know...

the amount."

He said, "A hundred reals."
I said, "That's peanuts!

Fuck, isn't it a preservation fee?

Isn't it to rebuild things
that humans destroy?

Because humans are like that.
They arrive, destroy the forests,

build business buildings, right?

Burn the forests, pollute the ocean.

Dolphins choke on bottle caps
or whatnot and die.

That's not right. We have to help.
We must help!"

The guy said,
"You know you pay that daily, right?"

I said, "We haven't destroyed
that much yet!

The damn dolphins don't miss a chance
to swallow the bottle caps!

No, come on!"

I was pissed!

I got in and said, "Fuck, baby!
They've screwed us right at the entrance!"

"Oh, it's fine--"
And a friend of ours said,

"Man, wouldn't you like to go diving?"

I said, "Sure. I wanna go diving!"

We went diving. I called Luísa,
"Baby, diving. It's something different.

Let's do it?" She said, "Okay!"
I got there and said, "We're diving."

All cool. I got there and asked the guy,
"Sir, I'd like to go diving."

The guy, all snobbish,
"You wanna do the regular diving?

Yeah, the regular diving. In a group...

with people, the commoners.

Or do you wanna do the exclusive diving?"

I was in front of Luísa,
I had just gotten married.

I looked at him and said, "Pal,
I want the fucking exclusive diving!

Just my wife and me in the ocean.

And I want all the fish out of the water."

He threw his weight around, so did I.

So, we got in the water,
put on the suits...

swam, and saw everything we could.

Cool! We went away!

We finished swimming,
got out and went to pay.

I said, "How much was it, my friend?"

I started looking at my 200 reals...

I'm not making this up to be funny.

"How much was it?"
He said, "Four thousand reals."

I said, "Fair enough. Of course.

Then the water I swam in is mine, right?

I can take that home.

Is that how it works?
You swim around and it's yours, right?

Let me talk to Luísa,
'Baby, did you kill any turtle?'"

She said, "No, why?" "The dude
is charging me for two dolphins."

"What the heck, man?"

"Preservation!" "Didn't I protect
this shit the moment I arrived?

Must we preserve endlessly?

I don't want anything else."

It started raining, I said,
"I didn't ask for the fucking rain!

Whoever asked for it will pay.

I won't get wet, so they don't say
I'm using it." I left quickly.

Everything they offered me I refused.

I simply refused.

It's crazy.

"Want some mangoes?" I'd say,
"I loathe people who plant mangoes!"

I was pissed off!

I got to the hotel and thought,
"At least something good.

Wedding night." Hey!

I said, "Baby, wedding night!"

She looked at me...
We got wet in the rain. She said, "Baby...

do you really want it tonight?

I have a cold."

I said, "I'm not sticking it
in your nose. Relax!"

She thinks she can bullshit me?

I went to take a shower.

Put on my underskirt.

Easy, very relaxed.

When I stepped out of the bathroom,
Luísa was taking her nails out.

I was like, "Gee!

She married with nails, but okay."

After that,
she took her fake eyelashes out.

Contact lenses. I was like,
"There won't be anything left."

She went behind her head
and removed a chunk of hair.

I was like, "Oh, my God!
I married Pabllo Vittar!"

I thought she was going to remove
her lady parts and give them to me.

Dear Lord!

You start learning.

You start learning things.

Some people ask,
"What changed after marriage?"

I learned that women poop like a goat.

Every four days,

she goes in the bathroom,
everyone outside is cheering.

When she comes out, you ask,
"Did you do it?"

She says, "Just some pebbles."

Dude...

But it's true, man.

She had makeup on.
She'd come home and say,

"No, I need to remove it.
I must take care of my skin."

I was like, "I want to marry this girl.
She's so dedicated." Not anymore.

We go out, come home,
she goes to sleep.

I wake up the next day,
the Joker's sleeping next to me.

Dear Lord!

I'm scared to get up and get asked,
"Where are you going, Batman?"

Right there.

I'm scared to death.

Another thing that's changed.

It seems she can go in anywhere
whenever she wants.

Out of the blue.

Out of the blue,
she comes into the bathroom.

I'm just relaxing there, like...

I poop very fast. I'm afraid
to die pooping, so I go very fast.

My worst nightmare is
to be found dead in my own shit.

When I have to go, I sit and...

There. It's done. Clean it up, done.

I was there concentrated,
and out of the blue...

"Wait a minute, crazy!"

"Real quick. I want to get something."
"I'm taking a dump!"

That's why we like to poop in our house.

People ask, "Where do you like to poop?"
I answer, "At home".

Everyone likes to poop at home.
You know why?

There's a lot of people.

No one knows who's in the bathroom.

Someone knocks,
and you change your voice,

"It's occupied."

I won't tell you. Figure it out!

Do a count around the house,
see who's missing.

I like to play around. The person knocks,
I say, "Howdy!"

The person thinks
a cowboy is taking a dump!

That's what I like to do.

I remember the first time
I farted in front of my wife.

She was sick in the hospital.

But I was worse, inside.

She was there, relaxed,

having dinner. Everything was all fine,

then she started to get very sick,
so we went to the hospital.

The doctor attached her to an IV at 3 am.
She was very sick.

Laying there on a stretcher.
I was very worried about her.

The doctor said,
"I'll be back in 30 minutes

to check on how she's doing.

I said, "Okay." She left.

Time went by, after about 20 minutes
my stomach started...

Like the sound of a water gallon,
you know?

Right here.

And I was like, "Shit."

"No problem, I will just wait.

She'll be here in five minutes.

Fuck me."

I said, "No.

I won't really go all out.

But I won't hold it in either.

I will just... let it go."

But it's misleading.

I've been farting for 23 years,
and it still tricks me.

I got up, thinking it would be a breeze.
Let it go...

When I got up, it was like...

I almost said, "Coffee is ready!"

When the last fart was out...

The doctor appeared,
"Let's see how she's doing."

'Cause it takes a while to stink.

"I need to think of something."

When it started to stink,
I looked at the doctor and said...

"I'm not sure she's going to recover!"

"Why?" "'Cause she's already rotten."

That's the best I could do.

Right then...

that was it.

I also remember the first time she farted.

I didn't know I had...

a chemical weapon at home.

The prettier they are,
the more their ass stinks.

I wasn't expecting that.
My mouth was open.

Her fart gave me a mouth ulcer.
I said, "Honey!

Jesus."

Awful.

But shit happens.

Shit like that happens.

Is there a couple here
that's been together for a long time?

How long?

Six years? Anyone over six years?

How long? Twenty-five?

Holy fuck!

Do you still talk to each other?

Talk and do it every day?

That's bullshit!

What's your name?

Cristina and... Ricardo.

Cristina and Ricardo.
A round of applause for them.

Holy fuck! Twenty-five years is a lot.
You have to compromise a lot.

That's what happens. You know why?
Regardless of the sex.

It doesn't matter
if it's homosexuals or heterosexuals.

We always seek in the other person
what's missing in us.

That's what makes
the other person so special.

But sometimes,
when you seek what you love,

they come with things
you don't like as well.

That's when disagreements occur.

Sometimes one doesn't like
living with the other...

I think it's easier for women to live
with men because men are stupid.

Guys only think about cock.

They always talk about "cock,"
in any subject.

"That minister is ugly."
He goes, "My cock is ugly!"

They do that on any topic. Women can't.

Women's words are different.

Sometimes, a word means
only one thing to us...

but many to women.

I hear "go", I understand I can go.
My wife, not necessarily.

I say, "Honey, I'm going to play soccer,
have some beer.

I'll be back around midnight."
She says, "Go!

Go!"

Then I...

I don't go, right?

"Are you going to have me killed?
What the hell?"

I thought it was better
to stay there, chill.

She asks, "Why are you so serious?"

"Because I wanted to play--"
She said, "Baby, I told you to go."

"This 'go' is different
from the one before."

You know?

These things happen!

But women's lives
are way harder than men's.

There's no arguing there.
Fuck, are you crazy?

Chemical toilets.

Who are they good for? For women?

Dude, men won't even go inside.
Men pee on the door. They go like...

Another guy asks, "Peeing on the door?"
He says, "Peeing on the door, yeah!"

"I'm calling the police!"
He says, "My cock, yeah!"

That's it!

Women can't do that.
Women go in the bathroom

and won't touch anything.

They're acrobats. One foot here...

the other here.

Hand on the wall for balance.

Head on the door, so no one opens it...

When they have a purse and no place
to hang it, they put it around their neck.

And they can't even wipe themselves.

There's no way.

They look for paper, nothing.
They have to do Anitta's dance.

So it drips off.

For men, everything is about cock.

Why? It's been so since childhood.
That's it.

Learn this, women are taught.
Mothers are there, all the time.

In the restroom, they're like,
"Did you pee?"

Now you wipe like this...

First period, "Easy, honey!
That happens to mommy too.

Look how pretty mommy is."

Girls get it and grow up determined.
Now, men...

Fathers don't teach
anything sexual to their sons.

When they decide to say something,
the boys are 16.

"Do you have pubes? Where is it?
Let me see!"

The boy gets so nervous that if he
doesn't have pubes, it grows instantly.

They grow up on their own.

Nobody teaches them.

Then the teacher in school, "Look,
boys have penises, girls have vaginas."

The girls, "Interesting." And take note.
The boys, "Yeah, pussy!

Did you see that huge, hairy pussy?"

They go crazy.

Because nobody tells them
that's uncalled for.

Got it?

Nobody tells them. They grow up
on their own by Google searching.

"Penis size by country."

They search, "Penis size in Fortaleza."

They're scared, man,
because nobody teaches them.

In their mind, it's like that.

They constantly have to prove
they're manlier.

Women don't feel the need to prove
they're more of a woman.

"Let's see if you're a true woman!"
That doesn't happen.

You ask a woman,

"Are you gay?"
If they are, they'll say, "Yes".

If not, they'll say, "No."

That's it.

Ask a man.

Man, that guy is going to freak out!

He'll try to show he's manlier than you.

You say, "Are you gay?" "I'm gay
because I fucked your dad, motherfucker!

Put your mother here!"

"Do you like that, Rosângela?"

That's uncalled for.

Then people go on Instagram and ask,
"Where is Léo Santana's cock?

Isn't he the cockiest?

I didn't see his cock in that picture."

It doesn't have to be that way.
It's important.

That's important.

People say, "Size doesn't matter."
"Oh, my God!"

Léo Santana...

True story.

Wesley Safadão's soccer game
in Teresina, Piauí.

I went there to play with the guys.
I was in the locker room...

getting dressed.

Small cock guys only get dressed
in the corners. Like this.

"What, man?"

"I'm just changing here, man, you know."

Léo Santana, in the middle
of the locker room, goes...

All I saw was the hair dryer go...

A boy nearby did this...

Dude...

it was the most hideous thing
I've ever seen...

in my entire life, man!

I wanted to say, "Léo, put it in my hand,
so I can feel the weight.

I just want to know
if that's like five pounds of sugar."

It's crazy.

I said, "Léo, if I had a cock that big,
I'd walk around naked.

I wouldn't wear anything.

Everywhere I'd go,
I'd put my cock on the table."

"What's up, guys!"

"What's that?" "It's my cock!"

"The dog escaped!"
I'd say, "Wait a second!"

I'd hit the dog's forehead with my cock.

"Look, a thief!" I'd say, "I'm on it!"

A guy behind me untangling...

But God gives nuts to toothless people.

He does.

And it's important.

Knowing and liking yourself
is very important.

Every guy here knows himself.

Every guy here knows himself.

Every guy here...

knows himself.

Each and every one of you guys here...

in Fortaleza,

in Brazil, in the world...

Every guy knows himself.

Wanna see?

Every guy in here.

Every guy here...

put his cock back
to imagine himself without it.

Just out of curiosity.

Just out of curiosity.

Am I wrong? You never did that?

I don't believe you!

Out of curiosity. It's an experiment!

They tuck it back, look in the mirror
and say, "God, I'm an angel! Look!"

Then they release it and say
"peek-a-boo", right?

Out of curiosity!

Out of curiosity.

I did that to Luísa
the other day at home.

I tucked it back
and sang like a drag queen...

Out of curiosity.

And who hasn't done that before
will get home tonight...

You will remember me.

You will remember me.

Thank you, Fortaleza!
See you next time!

God bless you
and guide you home safely.

Thank you, Fortaleza!
See you! We're awesome!

Thank you so much! I mean it.

You were fucking great! Peace out!

Thanks!