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Sync & corrections by PetaG & momster
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As we stand here this morning,

in an unknown galaxy,

on the outer reaches
of the solar system,

and I claim this planetoid,
rich in helium seven,

on behalf of the Jupiter
Mining Corporation,

it is only fitting we remember the
generations that came before us.

It is to their memory, their greatness,

their infinite,
glorious accomplishments,

that I humbly name this moon...

Rimmer.

In the same spirit of benevolence,

I've also graciously agreed to lend

my name to the star this moon orbits,

which from this moment
on shall be known as...

Sunny Rim.

Gentlemen,

to Rimmer,

a moon rich in helium seven,

the most valuable gas in the universe.

To Rimmer...

so full of gas.

Sirs, there appears to be

some kind of solar storm
coming in from the west.

You should engage skedaddle mode.

But the helium seven,
we need to mine it.

There's no time, sir!

But helium seven's incredibly scarce.

It's rarer than an un-groped
bottom at the BBC in the 1970s.

It's worth a fortune.

If we ever get back to
Earth, in the 23rd century,

I'll get a finders' fee.

One hour. That's all I'm asking.

But can't you see?

If you're hanging around here
when that storm's bringing,

gonna get wiped! I'm begging you!

Stay!

I'll still be rich beyond my
wildest dreams just with this!

Don't worry. I won't change.

That's the tragedy of it.

Check this. That's no solar
storm. What the hell is it?

Looks like a big
wibbly-wobbly tidal wave thing,

and it's heading straight for us!

I want a full space corps-verified
diagnostic on that thing.

- Already printing, sir.
- Well, what is it?

It says, "It's a big
wibbly-wobbly tidal wave thing,

and it's heading straight for us!"

Here it comes!

Woo! What the hell just happened?

People have had acid trips that
have made more sense than that.

I've had directions
from drunken Scotsmen

that have made more sense than that.

Any theories?

I believe the ship may have
been hit by a temporal wash

from a time wave, sir.

It's been what, by a what, from a what?

Well, much as a tsunami

is caused by a large displacement
of water in the sea bed,

a time wave is created by
an imploding black hole,

causing space-time to contort
into a series of waves.

Much as a what, causes a
what, into a series of whats?

Now, when the wave moves forward,

artefacts from the past can
be washed up into the present,

and when the wave withdraws,

artefacts from the present can
be swept back into the past.

Sounds like a free ride out of
here. Show me where to stand.

Ah, Sir, whoever is hit

is likely to be swept into an
uninhabitable part of deep space.

Quick, show him where to stand!

We've got to avoid
this wave at all costs.

- How long before the next one?
- Impossible to predict.

So what do we do if this wave shows up?

We'll have to outrun it.

Well maybe if we lost some weight

and jettisoned some unnecessary cargo?

Go stand in the airlock
and leave the rest to me.

Wait, check this in vector four.

There's a ship just
shown up on the scans.

The SS Enconium.

They're from 24th-century Earth,

and their ship possesses
a faster than light drive.

Something's wrong.

They're locked onto a crash course

straight into the
heart of Planet Rimmer!

Are you serious? That's terrible.

Is Planet Rimmer gonna be okay?!

The impact is likely
to cause an explosion,

which could well
ignite the helium seven.

And kill Planet Rimmer?

And kill everything in this vicinity.

Including Planet Rimmer?

Including everything!

We need to board that
ship and stop it crashing.

And save Planet Rimmer.

Save the crew.

And Planet Rimmer.

This mechanoid is reversing.

This mechanoid is reversing.

How long before we dock, Krytes?

Well, in just thirty minutes, sir.

So I thought now might be a good time

to share the Intel I've
uncovered on the Enconium.

It appears they have
some rather strange laws.

Strange how?

Well, on their ship,
criticism is illegal.

A ship free of criticism,
what a place that must be.

A world where no-one
is blamed or rebuked,

and no-one gets mocked or ridiculed.

That's what they say, but they'll
never hold out after they meet you.

If you screw up and no-one
tells ya, what good's that?

That's easy for you to say, Lister,

but how would you feel if
you were ridiculed every day,

wedgied every night, and sometimes

even had your head shoved down
the toilet and the chain pulled?

But we've stopped doing that now.

Six years old, my parents had to
send me to a different prep school

so I could get my confidence back.

Games weren't competitive
at Saint Trembles.

So what did you do on sports day?

Sports day, 100 metres, you could
run in any direction you wanted,

or paint a picture, or
stay at home and watch TV.

And everyone got a "You're Really
Special" trophy and a party bag.

Rimmer, you've gotta roll with it.

You get knocked down, you get
back up again, and you slug it out.

If I'd have got upset
with every bit of criticism

I ever got, where do
you think I'd be now?

Not single, not podgy,

and probably not doomed to roam
deep space with a terrible haircut!

Sirs! Please.

When the board the Enconium,

we must remember to respect their laws

and not criticise each other.

- How long we gotta hold out?
- Just an hour, sir.

A whole hour? In that case,

you better pack earplugs
and six rolls of duct tape.

I wonder why the Enconium
made criticism illegal?

Well, according to their data banks,

they believe when people criticise,

they feel esteem-inflating superiority,

which causes the pleasure chemical

dopamine to be released in the brain.

And dopamine's bad?

Too much dopamine is
like taking cocaine, sir.

It over-excites the
receptors between brain cells,

causing hyperactivity
and engorged self-worth.

So people who criticise
get high on criticism?

It seems they become addicted,

needing to criticise more and more

to produce the same original high.

This explains so much!

Junkie!

But criticism can be good, can't it?

I mean, it forces
people to become better.

Well, not always, sir. I mean, take you.

What about me?

Well, as a guitarist, you've
been criticised, belittled,

decried, vilified, panned,
and slammed your whole life!

And your point is?

You still utterly suck, sir!

No, I don't!

I mean, okay, fair play,

back in the day, I was a
bit of a tone deaf plucker.

But I took that criticism on board,

and dedicated myself to
getting better. And now... ha!

So long plucker, hello,
Davey Three Chords!

"Joureny to the Stars".

_

Ah, look at that one.

Have they got little
kids on board, as well?

"By First Lieutenant Edward
Moore, age 34 and a half."

So everything these guys
do, no matter how garbage,

- gets to go on the wall?
- Just like at Saint Trembles.

And the Tate Modern.

The frames aren't even
straight. I hate that.

Hey guys, check this.

...howl at the moon!

You will learn that we are
all part of the tree of life.

And on the tree,

you are a fruit!

I am fruit, a lovely fruit,
let me play the flute!

Let me remind you gentlemen,

that what we're all thinking
right now is illegal here.

My friends!

Uh, duct tape on standby, sirs.

Welcome to our ship. Now,
my name is Ziggy Briceman.

Apologies for not returning
your handshake, but

our communication
system is being repaired,

and the hairdressers who are
carrying out the work haven't quite

determined what's wrong yet.

Oh, also our lifts are being
serviced by the catering department,

so therefore; to the stairs!

Wouldn't it be better if
your lifts were serviced

by the lift service people?

0h, unfortunately they're all
too busy working at the hospital,

trying to figure out why
no-one's getting better.

This way, my friends.

I don't know if you're aware,

but you've been washed up three
million years into deep space,

and you're on a crash course
straight into a helium seven moon.

I love your accent!

It is cuter than a
kitten with a toilet roll.

Now, let me take you along to our diner,

and then I'm going to hunt
down our Captain, okay?

This way!

What the hell's he doing?

At best guess, the Enconium crew

are encouraged to express themselves
without fear of scorn or ridicule.

Ha, bring back scorn and
ridicule, that's what I say.

Sir, please.

Didn't we talk about
respecting other cultures?

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

Hey bud, you should stick around,

the Om Song could go platinum here.

I love the atmosphere, it's so relaxing.

No-one cares if you're
right or wrong, good or bad,

maybe they're onto something.

I mean, take me... back in the
day I mis-repaired a drive plate

and killed over a thousand people.

Now, in our culture,

that sort of thing is
really frowned upon.

But here, you just... move on.

Ah! Here's your coffee, sir.

- Be careful, it's very, very hot.
- Ahh!

Ooh! Whoops-a-daisy.

She's just broiled my love
spuds and doesn't even say sorry.

She's moved on.

Look at the state of me.

Okay. Here we are.

I have one processed sausage...

with sprouts in a radish jus,

and one warm goat salad.

We didn't order any food.

And we haven't ordered any drinks.

Though I wouldn't mind ordering
a fresh pair of testicles

'cause these two are ruined.

Are you criticising me?

No, no, no he's not criticising
you, I am. This food looks gross.

Critics! Help!

Let's get out of here.

Easter Island head's right,
let's scoot while we still can.

Yeah, come on. Back to Starbug.

Nothing works here,
especially the people!

Good evening, sir.

Evening, officer.

Do you know why I've
pulled you over, sir?

No. No, haven't got a clue. No.

Been doing any criticising
this evening, sir?

Criticising? No, not at all, no.

Well, it's just that we had a
report of some illegal castigation

in the diner this evening, sir.

What about you lads?

- You been doing any criticising this evening?
- No, no.

A little bit of chiding, perhaps?

Chiding, no.

- How about blaming, sir?
- No.

- Harping? Little bit of panning?
- No.

- Not even scoffing?
- Nothing.

Wouldn't mind blowing into this
criticiser for me, then, will you sir?

You what?

Go on, blow as hard as you can.

You got a readin' of 95, sir.

Is that good? Bad? What does that mean?

It means that your friend is way
over the criticism limit, sir.

I may have to take him
down to the station.

Now wait a minute!

- You telling me to wait, sir?
- Well, yes.

Implying that I am going too
fast and therefore criticising me?

- Look...
- Are you telling me to look?!

Insinuating that my attention isn't
focused in the correct direction?

- Therefore implying that my focus...
- I am not criticising you, okay?

Look, we're here to warn you that
your ship is on a collision course

with a very important
moon called Planet Rimmer.

I'm gonna let you off with a caution.

Caution?!

How dumb is this guy?

Hey!

Lieutenant Asshole,

If you don't move your
dumb-ass spaceship,

we're gonna be flatter than your
wife's droopy-ass titties, capisce?

Wait a minute! Why have you
taken his straight-jacket off?!

While he's in here, he's not
a danger to anyone, is he?

Well, he is to us.

No-one cares about you.

Don't talk to him. Don't make eye
contact, pretend he's not here.

All right, mate. How you doin'?

I've been better. I'll tell you that.

- How long you in for?
- Life.

What for?

Tutting.

Tutting?

They drove me to it!

I'm in the queue. In the canteen...

queuing.

Finally, I get to the front,

my turn to get served.

And they say,

"Sorry love, we've just closed."

So I go...

You just went "tut", and you got life?!

I just called that cop "Lieutenant
Asshole" so what am I gonna get?!

It don't bare thinkin' about.

- They'll probably drain you!
- What's that?

Not that I'm implying there's
anything wrong with draining.

It's probably really lovely.

What the hell are we gonna do?!

We gotta get out of here,

get to the engine room,

and get this ship off the crash course.

- And save Planet Rimmer.
- And save us!

Uh, sir, may I borrow one of your boots?

Kryten, my boots can't cause
diversions like they used to.

He wears Odour Eaters now.

I'm looking for a soil sample,
sir, from that moon this morning...

The helium seven?

...which I can then
fuse with the deuterium

I have in my isotope
sample store in my arm,

and create a small, contained explosion.

Why do you collect isotope
samples and keep them in your arm?

Well, why do you collect

miniature Napoleonic soldiers
and keep them in your locker?

You're weird.

I'm weird?

At least my isotope collection
could come in useful.

Next time we're in a jam

and one of your Sixth
Regiment trumpeters saves us,

I'll eat my crevice brush.

There.

Excellent

Here, boys, take me with you!

I promise I'm no danger to
the outside world any more.

I'll never tut again.

Where are you taking us?

Taking you to where all
the worst criticisers go.

The backseat drivers, they're all there.

Surely you can see society
without criticism is utterly...

You don't know what it was like before.

Ship was a shambles.

Everyone arguing,

constantly choosing new captains.

So they brought in the anti-criticism
law to make people more tolerant.

But any smegger can see that
society can't function like that

Yeah, but once they outlawed criticism,

nobody could criticise the criticism law

because it was illegal to criticise!

Idiots.

I just criticised something, didn't I?

Oh, God, I've not done that
for ages, that felt good!

Oh!

Criticising's great, isn't it?!

Gives ya a real lift!

I don't like your shoes, by the way.

Ah!

What's the story with his head?

Looks like something from that TV show,

"When Circumcisions Go Wrong"!

Look, you've gotta help us.

If you don't get your ship off
this crash course, we're all dead.

Well, the bridge is that way.

I'll pretend you escaped.

Won't you get in trouble?

How? Nobody can criticise you here.

Now get going before somebody comes.

Oh, and by the way, you are way
too old to be wearing leather pants.

Nobody move! Please.

Did you help them? Did
you betray us, did you?

Yeah, I did, Ziggy.

I betrayed this badge.

I made this uniform, quite frankly...

an object of ridicule.

Well there is no shame in making
mistakes, officer. You may go.

To our visitors...

we need to drain them.

_

Now, we are going to drain you

of all your critical faculties

by removing your inner critic;

that little voice in
your head that stops

you achieving your full potential.

Now you will no longer
turn down opportunities

for fear of failure or humiliation.

You will only feel love for all things.

They're gonna turn us into hippies.

I'm gonna wind up like
that crazy guy on the flute.

Oh, that was Derek.

He used to be a theatre critic.

Oh, he's come so far. Look.

- That's his inner critic.
- Oh, my God!

What's he turned into without me?!

Whatever it is, he's
useless! He'll fail!

He's talentless!

Leave this to me.

As Stand-in Senior
Acting Commanding Officer

of the J.M.C. mining ship Red Dwarf,

and protected as I am,

under Space Corps directive
381-286, Kryten shut up,

I demand that you release
us all immediately,

or at least one of us,
as a gesture of goodwill,

for which I'd like to volunteer.

My friend, you have nothing to fear.

Your happiness awaits,
and you shall be the first.

Let's bottle your inner critic.

Now, let your critical
observations flow forth.

You mean I could end up loving my
parents, and admiring my brothers?

You'll have nothing to remain
dead for! Resist, sir. Resist!

If they remove your inner
critic, you'll be changed forever.

Changed forever?!

Listen to him!

My parents were lovely, wise,
thoughtful, and supportive.

Argh!

Aww! I achieved all my dreams,

- and I'm admired and respected.
- Don't fight it.

Think of your childhood,
were you're happy?

I was so happy!

I can't hold out much longer!

Argh!

My brother, Howard,
was an utter bastard!

As for my parents and the
schools they sent me to,

the exams I've failed, and
the support I never got, and...

why Yvonne McGruder never wanted
to go on a second date with me,

and my sex life was
an absolute shambles;

ever since that day at school

my brother gave me sex advice,

he said the most important
thing was the clitoris,

and I thought what he said was,

"The most important thing
was to spit on her wrist!"

Oh, the looks I used to get.

Wait... slow down.
You... you're criticising

faster than the extractor can cope.

I've hardly started!

Oh, you... your inner
critic's too powerful!

The... the extractor can't process it.

Well, why can't it process it?!

Cheap, damned, Minervan,

negative-energy, inner
critic bottling machines!

Will ya stop criticising! Ooh!

What the hell's that?!

I'm Rimmer's inner critic,

I'm the voice inside
his head that reminds him

he's an idle, good-for-nothing,
under-achieving idiot,

who surrounds himself with cretins
to mask his own inadequacies.

He hangs 'round with
other guys, besides us?

Tell it to go away. Tell
it to leave me alone.

You need me.

I protect you.

Remember the school talent contest?

Twelve years old;

you wanted to Morris dance
in front of the entire school.

And you made me chicken out.

We'd have been humiliated!

Same with all those women
I wanted ask out on dates,

you claimed where out of my league.

Of course I did.

Ann Marie was a solid four out of ten.

We're lucky to get threes!

I hate you. You've never
let me take any risks, ever!

I stop you from making
a fool of yourself.

But he's always making
a fool of himself.

Yeah. He is always
making a fool of himself.

So hang on, you're not doing
a very good job, are ya?

You can't criticise me.
I'm his inner critic!

Where were you when Rimmer
was fixing that drive plate,

- wiped out the crew?
- No-one criticises me!

Why didn't you tell
him he wasn't up to it?

I mean, aren't you
supposed to protect him?

- Well, yes, I suppose I...
- So, you failed.

Well...

that's not fair.

I possibly didn't achieve
all the goals I set out to.

You're right. It failed!

That's a bit strong,
I didn't fully succeed.

- It failed.
- Failed?

- I can't believe you just said that,
- It failed.

- That's really horrible.
- It failed!

Oh!

- Is it dead?
- Just wounded.

It'll be back one day. Trust me.

Oof!

You achieved a positive end by
using criticism to vanquish a foe!

Because you can't tar all
criticism with one brush.

Yes, I see that now. Perhaps
our philosophy is flawed.

Are you criticising your own philosophy?

I suppose I am.

Wait!

Call together all the
members of the high chamber.

And warn them that I've repealed
the law against criticism.

From this moment on,

everybody can criticise
without fear of penalty.

Release them!

What about Planet Rimmer?

The ship is on a crash descent course

and your engineering department don't
know what the hell they're doing!

We need to get to the engine room.

No need. I'll request our engineers
simply return to their jobs,

and then we'll be out of here in a
brief contraction of forward space.

I've been racking my brains
as to how I could thank you

for showing me a new way to live.

Now my first thought was,
We could upgrade your mech.

Then I thought... No. No,
it's not special enough.

Then I thought, we could
upgrade Red Dwarf's engine,

Uh, make it FTL?

But again I thought... No,
it's not special enough.

I wanted to give you something
that would truly show you

the depth of my gratitude.

For you.

It's my finest work.

Look, don't take this
the wrong way, but, erm...

it's not that good, to be honest.

I repeal the law!

Critics! I need help here.

Drain them! Drain them all!!!

Sync & corrections by PetaG & momster
- www.MY-SUBS.com -

♪ It's cold outside, there's
no kind of atmosphere ♪

♪ I'm all alone, more or less ♪

♪ Let me fly far away from here ♪

♪ Fun, fun, fun ♪

♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪

♪ I want to lie shipwrecked
and comatose ♪

♪ Drinking fresh mango juice ♪

♪ Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes ♪

♪ Fun, fun, fun ♪

♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪

♪ Fun, fun, fun ♪

♪ In the sun, sun, sun. ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪