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TED:
Kids, back in 2007, it seemed
like everyone belonged
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00:00:05,206 --> 00:00:06,766
to these silly things
called gyms.
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00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:09,177
The idea was you'd pay
them lots of money
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00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:10,880
to run around
and lift heavy things.
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00:00:10,911 --> 00:00:12,751
Biggest rip-off in the world.
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00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:14,050
And yet people fell for it.
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00:00:14,082 --> 00:00:15,622
Including me.
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Oh, forgot my wallet.
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00:00:17,751 --> 00:00:19,421
It started with one
of those moments
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00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:20,993
when you realize you're not
as in shape
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00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,621
as you want to be.
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00:00:23,824 --> 00:00:25,364
(panting):
Whoo...
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00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:27,433
That's further than
it looks.
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00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:29,301
Aw, coupon's on my dresser.
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00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:31,530
That's too far.
Forget it.
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00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:34,367
Please don't judge me.
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00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:37,969
I wound up shame-eating
the whole pizza.
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00:00:38,005 --> 00:00:40,535
I woke up all greasy
and sweaty.
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00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:43,684
My sheets looked like what they
wrap deli sandwiches in.
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00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,152
Maybe I should join a gym.
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00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:47,680
Do you go to a gym?
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00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:50,645
Well, I go to Total Rip Fitness,
but I don't work out there.
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00:00:50,684 --> 00:00:51,624
What do you do?
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00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,122
I invest.
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00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:55,988
There goes one
of my investments now.
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00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:57,933
Cheryl, hard work's
paying off.
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00:00:57,958 --> 00:00:59,788
Keep up the good work.
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00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:02,727
So your investments
are women?
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00:01:02,763 --> 00:01:03,733
Yes.
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Women who, how shall
I put this delicately?
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They fat.
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00:01:09,036 --> 00:01:11,236
So, I come here,
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give them lots of
attention now.
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Then when they get hot, who's
the first guy they run to?
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The one who invested in them
when they weren't.
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Wow, I can't decide if
I'm thoroughly disgusted
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00:01:21,382 --> 00:01:23,122
or really, really impressed.
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00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:25,621
Of course, not all
investments pay dividends.
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00:01:25,653 --> 00:01:28,593
See the girl over there at the
vending machine-- Tonya.
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00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:31,632
She is one Kit Kat away
from junk bond status.
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00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:33,933
Hey, Barney.
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00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:35,131
Becky, elliptical machine's
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00:01:35,163 --> 00:01:38,433
really working for you.
Nice stuff.
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That one's going to reward
shareholders soon.
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I foresee aggressive
growth in my future.
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What up?
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00:01:48,075 --> 00:01:50,105
Wow, that makes me
want to join a gym.
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00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:51,554
So I can get super strong
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00:01:51,579 --> 00:01:53,709
and punch you really hard
in the face.
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00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:56,547
Yes, we should all do it.
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00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:58,954
Yeah, let's all punch
Barney in the face.
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No, I'm serious.
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00:02:00,288 --> 00:02:02,058
We should totally
join a gym.
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00:02:02,089 --> 00:02:03,089
Come on, we put on
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00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,293
the beer weight together--
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00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:05,555
we might as well
take it off together.
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00:02:05,593 --> 00:02:07,403
Or we could just
stop drinking beer.
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00:02:07,428 --> 00:02:11,228
No.
I say we join
a gym.
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00:02:12,433 --> 00:02:13,873
Are you Marshall?
Yeah.
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00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:15,001
Hi, I'm Trish.
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00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:16,165
I'm the trainer
you signed up for.
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Oh, hi.
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00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:18,908
Really great
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00:02:18,939 --> 00:02:20,569
to meet you, Trish.
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It's a pleasure.
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Marshall, can I talk
to you for a second?
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Sure.
Great.
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00:02:25,279 --> 00:02:26,849
Just a second.
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00:02:28,182 --> 00:02:29,422
Yeah, sweetie, I think
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00:02:29,450 --> 00:02:32,950
she maybe just a little
too hot to be your trainer.
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I get it.
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I mean, I see what
you're worried about.
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But this is just about me
taking care of myself.
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You'll always be my sugar.
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So, Marshall,
are you ready
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00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:46,829
to make a commitment
to your body?
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Pssh! Please, I'm all about
committing to my body.
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00:02:49,803 --> 00:02:52,043
I'll drive to Vermont and
have a commitment ceremony
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00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:53,512
to my body if you want.
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00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:55,281
That was a weird thing to say.
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00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:57,979
All right.
Start with 100 push-ups.
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All right, cool.
How many do you want me to do?
100.
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00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:03,881
Oh, I thought that was
a figure of speech--
100 push-ups,
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00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:05,687
like do a bazillion push-ups.
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00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:06,989
No one can do 100.
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00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:09,490
Do you smell that?
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00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:10,863
No.
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00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:12,631
It smells like there's
a little bitch in my gym.
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Are you being a little bitch
in my gym?
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00:03:15,128 --> 00:03:16,498
No.
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00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,370
Then get on the floor
and give me 100!
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00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:21,029
You don't have to yell at me.
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00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:22,868
I love it here.
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00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:25,173
It's just normal women
who want to get in shape.
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00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:28,775
I don't have to put on makeup,
do my hair,
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00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:30,279
wear some trendy outfit.
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00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:32,151
Yeah, this place is great.
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00:03:32,179 --> 00:03:33,509
We're meeting our friend
Robin here.
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00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:35,217
I hope you don't hate her.
She's pretty hot.
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00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:36,279
Shut up.
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Lily, tell him to shut up.
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00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:40,921
I'm sorry, lesbian prison guard,
do we know each other?
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00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:44,634
Ted, Lily, you'll never believe
what just happened.
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Oh, hey, dude,
I'm Barney.
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So I was at the smoothie bar...
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What can I get you?
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00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:55,699
Oh, my God, Rhonda?
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00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:56,966
It's Barney.
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00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:59,644
Barney Stinson from
Staten Island Boulevard.
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00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:01,943
Hey, Barney Stinson from
Staten Island Boulevard.
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00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:04,305
What can I get you?
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00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:06,005
I can't believe
she didn't remember me.
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Why? Who is she?
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That's Rhonda.
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I lost my virginity to her.
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Baby, are you still sore?
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Trish made me do
70 push-ups,
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but she only gave me
credit for ten.
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00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:37,613
The she had me do
100 sit-ups
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and then she made me cry,
using only her words.
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00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:44,824
It just doesn't
add up.
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00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:47,662
How could Rhonda
not remember me?
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00:04:47,688 --> 00:04:49,388
Well, maybe it wasn't
that good for her.
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I mean, it was
your first time.
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Ted, it's me.
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00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:54,627
I rocked her world.
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You don't believe me?
Okay, story time.
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The year was 1998.
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00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:02,940
I'd been going out with Shannon
since freshman year of college.
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00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,170
We were saving ourselves.
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00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:05,444
So when we broke up
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00:05:05,473 --> 00:05:08,113
there I was,
23 and still a virgin.
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00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:09,311
I knew nothing about girls.
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00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:10,843
So I went to the guy
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00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:14,378
who knew everything about
girls-- my brother James.
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00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:16,445
Wait, your gay
brother James?
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00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:18,424
Yeah, this was before
he was gay.
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00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:20,722
(sportscast playing on TV)
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00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:22,664
(sobbing)
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00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:27,826
(blubbering)
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00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:28,761
Barney...
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00:05:28,796 --> 00:05:31,466
Barney, you need
to find a girl
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00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:33,599
and have sex with her ASAP.
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00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:35,674
That is what dudes
do after a breakup.
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00:05:35,703 --> 00:05:40,243
I know. I want to, but...
I guess I'm just scared.
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00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:41,883
Of course you're scared.
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00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:43,279
It's gross.
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00:05:43,310 --> 00:05:45,580
The thought of doing
that with a woman...
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00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:47,753
But it's part
of being a guy.
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00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:48,951
Try thinking
about baseball.
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00:05:48,982 --> 00:05:52,252
Somehow I imagine
those players on the field
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00:05:52,285 --> 00:05:54,245
and it's over
a lot faster.
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00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:58,487
But I don't know the first thing
about seducing a woman.
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00:05:58,526 --> 00:06:00,986
What do you...? How do you...?
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00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:02,198
Where do you...?
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00:06:02,229 --> 00:06:03,829
Stop. Don't overthink it.
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00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,474
You don't want
to get the yips.
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00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:06,699
The yips?
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00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:09,444
Yeah, when you overthink
simple things so much
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00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:11,040
that you can't
do them at all.
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00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:13,311
The yips.
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00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:15,080
Yeah, it happens to
athletes all the time.
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00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:17,548
Like the second baseman
who suddenly can't
throw to first
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00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:20,478
or the figure skater
who does a perfect
tripe toe loop
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00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:22,424
and then loses it
on the arabesque.
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00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:24,590
I've actually really
been getting into
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00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:26,818
figure skating lately.
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00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:29,424
But, James...
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00:06:29,457 --> 00:06:31,827
what woman's going
to have sex with me?
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00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:33,989
It's not like
I'm a Backstreet Boy.
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The Man Maker.
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00:06:37,297 --> 00:06:39,667
BARNEY:
Rhonda "Man Maker" French
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00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:41,400
was our mom's friend
from down the street.
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00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:42,695
Got any kings?
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00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,566
Go fish.
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00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:47,905
So, Patty, know that
new paperboy?
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00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:51,651
I let him throw one into my
hedges, if you know what I mean.
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00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:54,749
Did you see that new guy
who cleans my pool?
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00:06:54,782 --> 00:06:58,892
I let him snake my drain,
if you know what I mean.
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00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:01,519
You know that Chinese food
delivery boy?
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00:07:01,555 --> 00:07:03,455
I had sex with him.
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00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:05,691
I don't have a funny way
of saying it yet.
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00:07:05,726 --> 00:07:09,256
It just happened 20 minutes ago.
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00:07:09,296 --> 00:07:11,126
Of course.
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00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:12,404
The Man Maker.
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00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,402
And it'll be easier too,
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00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:15,904
'cause she knows me so well.
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00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:17,196
Hi, Barry.
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00:07:17,237 --> 00:07:18,567
Barney.
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00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:19,836
Hi, Ms. French.
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00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:21,713
I know we haven't seen
each other for a while,
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00:07:21,742 --> 00:07:23,082
but if there was any chance...
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00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:24,780
Oh, boy.
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00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:30,550
Wow, you just
rocked my world.
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00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:33,694
That was the best sex
I ever had.
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00:07:35,388 --> 00:07:38,688
BARNEY:
That was the night I was born.
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00:07:38,726 --> 00:07:42,826
I rose like a phoenix
from her mentholated bosom
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00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:44,573
and strode into the world,
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00:07:44,598 --> 00:07:45,598
Armani clad
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00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:48,873
and fully awesome.
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00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:51,572
(groans):
God, please let me stop!
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00:07:51,605 --> 00:07:53,335
Yes, great, let's stop.
203
00:07:53,373 --> 00:07:55,143
Let's just kick back and wait
for the massive coronary
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00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:56,675
you're going to have
a couple years from now
205
00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:57,880
when you're 40.
206
00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:59,811
I'm... I'm 29.
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00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:02,251
50 more!
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00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:04,622
LILY:
Hi, sweetie.
209
00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:06,422
I got a trainer, too.
210
00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:07,623
This is Max.
211
00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:09,355
We're going to focus
on flexibility.
212
00:08:09,389 --> 00:08:11,259
Yeah, I'm gonna
stretch her out.
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00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:13,491
Great... Wait, what?
214
00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:15,857
50 more, now!
215
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:19,470
(Marshall grunting)
216
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:21,029
Huh?
217
00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:26,043
(Marshall groaning)
218
00:08:26,073 --> 00:08:27,243
Hey...
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00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:34,214
Okay, well, that's not cool.
220
00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:38,318
You know, Rhonda,
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00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:39,551
running into you
222
00:08:39,587 --> 00:08:41,817
really got me thinking
about the old days.
223
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:42,885
You were quite popular.
224
00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:45,333
I sure got around back then.
225
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:51,228
And there was one young man
who stood out above the pack.
226
00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:52,804
Freddy Chibatoni.
227
00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:54,943
That kid had a tongue
like a gecko.
228
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:59,138
No, no, I was thinking
about someone else.
229
00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:00,272
Chaz Alderman.
230
00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:02,577
Hips like a woman,
but he knew how to use them.
231
00:09:02,610 --> 00:09:04,340
What about me?!
232
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:05,547
You?
233
00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:07,719
Yes. We slept together.
234
00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:10,478
And you said I was the best
you ever had.
235
00:09:10,517 --> 00:09:12,487
Did I?
236
00:09:12,519 --> 00:09:14,549
Oh, right.
237
00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:16,658
About that...
238
00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:18,190
And tell him that
239
00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:19,585
he's the best you ever had.
240
00:09:19,627 --> 00:09:21,327
Oh, I don't know.
241
00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:23,261
He's just a kid.
242
00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:26,296
No he isn't. He's 23
and he is really
hurting, Rhonda.
243
00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:27,433
Please.
244
00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:30,337
Maybe we could make a deal.
245
00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:32,540
What?
246
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,072
I don't know...
247
00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:36,937
Oh... (chuckles)
248
00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:38,907
No, girl, I got
a girlfriend.
249
00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:41,676
Yeah, yeah, yeah, hers
is the only vagina for me.
250
00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:43,645
Oh... I love it.
251
00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:46,594
It... it isn't
scary at all.
252
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:47,990
Well, too bad.
253
00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:49,691
I guess your brother's
going to stay a virgin.
254
00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:52,333
(sputtering)
255
00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:53,759
(sighs)
256
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:56,858
Fine.
257
00:09:56,897 --> 00:09:59,127
Reggie Jackson,
Reggie Jackson,
258
00:09:59,166 --> 00:10:00,026
Reggie Jackson...
259
00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:02,597
But those compliments
you gave me.
260
00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:03,836
(monotone):
Wow...
261
00:10:03,871 --> 00:10:06,071
you just rocked my world.
262
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:09,336
That was the best sex
I ever had.
263
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:13,484
But you said
I rocked your world.
264
00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:14,483
All subsequent
265
00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:16,354
worlds that I rocked
266
00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:18,893
were only so rocked because
of the confidence I earned
267
00:10:18,919 --> 00:10:21,019
from said first world rocking.
268
00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:23,694
Sorry, Barry.
269
00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:26,134
It's Barney.
270
00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:32,000
So I'm doing sit-ups
271
00:10:32,032 --> 00:10:33,332
and she says,
"All right, Marshall,
272
00:10:33,366 --> 00:10:34,666
just one more set."
273
00:10:34,702 --> 00:10:36,872
So I summon all my strength
and I do that set,
274
00:10:36,904 --> 00:10:38,174
and then
she says,
275
00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:39,735
"Give me another set."
276
00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:41,413
So I'm like, "Is this
the last set?"
277
00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:42,511
And she says yes.
278
00:10:42,542 --> 00:10:44,512
So I do that set
and then she says,
279
00:10:44,544 --> 00:10:45,614
"Give me another set."
280
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,445
She lied to my face!
281
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:48,750
Everything hurts.
282
00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:51,692
Baby, the whole point
of working out
283
00:10:51,719 --> 00:10:52,919
is to feel better.
284
00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:54,553
This trainer is
making you miserable.
285
00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:56,157
You have to call her and quit.
286
00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:58,559
I got to work through it.
I got to finish what I started.
287
00:10:58,591 --> 00:11:00,461
If you're too scared,
I can call her.
288
00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:01,863
Her number's on this card.
289
00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:06,397
Hi. Is this Trish?
290
00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:08,143
This is Marshall's wife.
291
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:11,338
Listen, we have
a problem here
and it's you.
292
00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:12,541
I don't know
293
00:11:12,572 --> 00:11:14,142
who the hell you think you are,
294
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:17,514
but from now on you don't
tell Marshall what to do.
295
00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:19,314
You are an employee.
296
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,106
We tell you what to do.
297
00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:24,148
And I'm telling you
you're fired, bitch.
298
00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:29,118
Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay, bye.
299
00:11:29,156 --> 00:11:30,516
You better get down there, baby.
300
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:32,487
She's pretty pissed.
301
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:33,825
Hey, buddy.
302
00:11:33,861 --> 00:11:35,331
Still bummed about
the whole Rhonda thing?
303
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:39,832
No. Why would I let the approval
of one woman define who I am?
304
00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:41,567
That's very mature
of you, Barney.
305
00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:42,601
Let him finish.
306
00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:44,335
When I can let the approval
307
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:45,511
of a gaggle of supermodels
308
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:48,438
define who I am. What? What?
309
00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:49,975
Three tickets to the after party
310
00:11:50,010 --> 00:11:52,680
of the Victoria's Secret
fashion show?
311
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:53,852
Uh, kablammie!
312
00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:56,151
Lily, um, could I go?
313
00:11:56,183 --> 00:11:59,053
Go. You're too sore
to do anything anyway.
314
00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:09,327
Oh... wow.
315
00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:15,567
Okay, this, boys, is not
a regular season game.
316
00:12:15,602 --> 00:12:18,242
This is the World Series.
317
00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:21,841
So remember, we work together.
We're a team.
318
00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:23,975
And if anyone
sees Heidi Klum-- dibs.
319
00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:30,116
Target acquired.
Dig deep. Mm-hmm!
320
00:12:30,150 --> 00:12:31,650
TED:
Excuse me. Excuse me.
321
00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:34,694
Hey, it's a nice party, huh?
322
00:12:34,721 --> 00:12:35,861
Yeah, it's great.
323
00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:37,959
Do you guys work
for the company?
324
00:12:37,991 --> 00:12:40,361
Yeah, it's called
325
00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:43,533
"I'm Gonna Get In
Your Panties, Incorporated."
326
00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:44,533
Gross!
327
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:48,904
Dude!
328
00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:50,696
I don't know.
That was terrible.
329
00:12:50,737 --> 00:12:52,167
I am so sorry.
330
00:12:52,205 --> 00:12:54,005
Wait a minute. It's okay.
It's okay. It's fine.
331
00:12:54,041 --> 00:12:55,311
It's a numbers game.
I'm cool.
332
00:12:55,342 --> 00:12:58,512
Model... model.
333
00:12:58,545 --> 00:13:00,875
Uh... hi.
334
00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:02,224
I know, right?
335
00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:06,390
This party is legend.
Wait for it...
336
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:13,328
Uh, how long
do we have to
wait for it?
337
00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:18,568
I think he's
having a stroke.
338
00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:23,241
What is the matter
with me?
I don't know.
339
00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:25,740
Wait, wait, wait-- you don't
think I have the yips, do ya?
340
00:13:25,772 --> 00:13:27,942
No, no, no, relax.
341
00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:29,275
There's Alessandra Ambrosio.
342
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:31,309
English is her
second language.
343
00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:33,184
Even if you screw up,
you'll never know.
344
00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:34,783
Come on.
345
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,154
Hi.
346
00:13:36,183 --> 00:13:37,183
Hi.
347
00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:40,287
Those are very nice honkers.
348
00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:44,815
Honkers?
I don't know this word.
349
00:13:44,858 --> 00:13:46,328
Do you want to go dance?
350
00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:48,399
I'm talking
about those things.
351
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:49,858
Ah-ooga!
352
00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:51,397
Ah-ooga!
353
00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:52,471
Ew!
354
00:13:55,068 --> 00:13:57,638
Oh, no, I can't have the yips.
I can't have the yips,
355
00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:58,970
not here. Not now.
356
00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:02,276
This is me.
It's Barney, Barney!
357
00:14:02,309 --> 00:14:03,439
Heidi Klum!
358
00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:06,006
This is perfect.
I can do this.
I can do this.
359
00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:08,877
But thanks for coming.
360
00:14:08,916 --> 00:14:10,846
Thanks for coming.
Heidi Klum, I'm Barney.
361
00:14:10,884 --> 00:14:12,854
Hi, Barney.
Nice to meet you.
362
00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:15,456
Goobidy, goobidy,
goobidy, goobidy.
363
00:14:16,789 --> 00:14:18,489
Whoa.
364
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:20,085
Is he okay?
365
00:14:20,127 --> 00:14:21,927
Uh, he has the yips.
366
00:14:21,962 --> 00:14:23,902
Hasn't been able
to hit on a woman
all night.
367
00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:25,301
He has the yips?
368
00:14:25,332 --> 00:14:27,232
Ooh, that's bad.
369
00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:31,797
You know, in Germany, we call
this (speaks German phrase).
370
00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:33,408
Whoa, that is bad.
371
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:35,780
I don't know
what's happened to me.
372
00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:37,208
I've, I've totally lost
my confidence.
373
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:39,554
Aw...
374
00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:42,019
Barney, maybe you have
to open up to somebody.
375
00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:44,249
Maybe you have to
open up to some...
376
00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:47,194
He just found out that the woman
he lost his virginity to
377
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,990
only did it because
his brother bribed her.
378
00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:51,792
Ooh, that's a rough one.
379
00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:54,464
I mean, the only thing
I can think of
380
00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:58,234
to get rid of
(speaks German phrase)
381
00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:01,065
is you have to
go out there.
382
00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:03,341
And you need
to find that woman.
383
00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:06,240
And you need to earn it
with her for real.
384
00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:09,243
That is the only way
how you can find yourself.
385
00:15:11,711 --> 00:15:13,881
I see little hamburgers!
386
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:16,483
I love little hamburgers.
387
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:17,986
Auf wiedersehen.
388
00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:19,048
Wow!
Yeah.
389
00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:21,916
I just made out
with Heidi Klum.
390
00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:23,455
What?
391
00:15:23,490 --> 00:15:27,260
Ted, just... okay?
392
00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:30,302
(knocking)
393
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:32,730
Come in.
394
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:34,025
Hi, Rhonda.
395
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:36,937
Hi, kiddo. Surprised
to see you here.
396
00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:42,480
So, hey, uh,
maybe how about sex?
397
00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:44,239
Let's sex.
398
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:47,207
What are you talking about?
I'm watching Wheel of Fortune.
399
00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:50,047
You can keep watching.
I'll face you toward the TV.
400
00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:51,783
That's a cute idea, kid.
401
00:15:51,818 --> 00:15:52,788
Great.
402
00:15:52,819 --> 00:15:54,719
No, I'm not having sex with you.
403
00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:55,894
Sit down a minute.
404
00:15:55,922 --> 00:15:58,492
I'm not the
Man Maker anymore.
405
00:15:58,525 --> 00:15:59,785
You know what?
406
00:15:59,826 --> 00:16:01,756
About five years ago,
407
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:05,034
I realized there was
an emptiness inside of me
408
00:16:05,065 --> 00:16:07,665
that no amount of
meaningless sex
could fill.
409
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:09,270
I needed something more.
410
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:13,442
And that's when I
discovered Indian casinos.
411
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:18,505
Hey, Barney,
412
00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:20,905
it's weird not seeing you
in a suit. What's going on?
413
00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:24,647
Uh, not much.
My entire sexual history
414
00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:28,524
was built on a rotting
foundation of lies.
415
00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:32,755
My whole identity is lost
in a pit of menthol ashes.
416
00:16:32,792 --> 00:16:34,232
Work is good.
417
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:37,629
(guy slaps his back,
Marshall groans)
418
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:41,498
I'm never going
back to that gym again.
419
00:16:41,534 --> 00:16:42,404
(groans)
420
00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:44,465
Today at work,
I had to have an intern
421
00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:47,374
rip up my bagel
and put little
pieces in my mouth.
422
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:49,981
Yeah, I'm done there, too.
423
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,109
That place is horrible.
424
00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:53,914
What about
your big muscular trainer
425
00:16:53,946 --> 00:16:56,116
who's so into
stretching you out?
426
00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:58,189
Yeah, well, turns out
427
00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:02,458
that guy had no affiliation
with the gym whatsoever.
428
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:04,819
Come on, guys, don't
give up on the gym.
429
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,227
It's been great for us.
430
00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:10,199
Like today, Robin
and I had a really
nice moment.
431
00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:13,530
(loud groaning):
Oh, God! Oh... Yahhh!
432
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:16,674
(grunting)
433
00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:26,746
Robin, hey,
I just wanted
434
00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:28,979
to come over and thank you.
435
00:17:29,015 --> 00:17:30,715
Thank me for what?
436
00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:33,950
Well, you know how it's hard
for exes to be friends
437
00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:36,386
because there's this lingering
sexual tension between them?
438
00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:39,390
Gone. Thank you.
439
00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:42,601
(laughs)
440
00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:44,399
You know, for all the crap
you've given me,
441
00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:46,231
I haven't seen you
work up a sweat there once.
442
00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:47,566
It's not true.
I was there today.
443
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:48,940
Yeah, but didn't you
leave early?
444
00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:52,838
(music playing in headphones)
445
00:17:52,872 --> 00:17:54,712
(music stops)
446
00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:58,481
Oh, great.
447
00:17:58,511 --> 00:18:01,311
Now I got to go home
and charge this.
448
00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:03,975
Wait a minute.
449
00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:06,186
You didn't work out
Tuesday either.
450
00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:08,619
Brought the wrong shorts.
451
00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:13,563
Yeah, and you totally
disappeared on Monday, too.
452
00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:16,333
No, I was at the
gym the whole time.
453
00:18:16,363 --> 00:18:21,133
Ooh! Oh, I love this gym.
454
00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:25,268
Lily, help me bend down
these three fingers.
455
00:18:25,305 --> 00:18:27,965
Actually, I have an idea.
456
00:18:28,007 --> 00:18:31,337
Do it! Come on!
Do it, you worthless
piece of crap!
457
00:18:31,378 --> 00:18:33,578
Please! Please, I just want
to go home.
458
00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,953
Come on.
This is your last set!
459
00:18:35,982 --> 00:18:39,452
(sobbing):
You said that last time!
460
00:18:41,053 --> 00:18:43,393
Gone.
461
00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:51,026
Hey.
462
00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:52,603
Rhonda.
463
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:55,102
I saw your friend
Ted at the gym.
464
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:59,344
After he puked
and cleared the line
at the smoothie bar,
465
00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:02,582
he said you were
kinda having a
tough time.
466
00:19:02,609 --> 00:19:06,949
Did you change your mind
about having love, making sex,
467
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,149
penis vagina?
468
00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:10,522
What is the matter
with me?
469
00:19:10,550 --> 00:19:11,350
Oh, honey...
470
00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:12,794
I just, I don't get it.
471
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:14,249
You slept with so many guys.
472
00:19:14,287 --> 00:19:15,517
You slept with my brother.
473
00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:17,715
We are practically
the same person.
474
00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:19,957
Was I really so bad?
475
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:23,002
Nobody's good
the first time.
476
00:19:23,029 --> 00:19:27,299
But I was.
At least I thought I was.
477
00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:31,504
Oh, Barney, you know...
sex isn't everything.
478
00:19:32,772 --> 00:19:34,712
When is the last time
you had a conversation
479
00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:37,341
with a woman with
no intention of
scoring with her?
480
00:19:40,647 --> 00:19:42,447
I sat next to former
Secretary of State
481
00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:45,252
Madeleine Albright
at a benefit once.
482
00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:48,455
I certainly didn't intend
to hit that.
483
00:19:48,488 --> 00:19:51,558
Yeah, well,
I tell you what.
484
00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:54,331
Sleeping with me
again isn't gonna
solve anything.
485
00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:57,301
I don't know
what else is.
486
00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:01,172
I think I know.
487
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,740
Do you have any kings?
488
00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:05,240
No, go fish.
489
00:20:05,272 --> 00:20:08,812
See, Barney, isn't it nice
to just sit
490
00:20:08,841 --> 00:20:12,181
and have a evening with a woman,
no agenda?
491
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:14,751
Just make nice conversation?
492
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:17,676
No.
493
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,647
Yeah, kinda sucks,
doesn't it?
494
00:20:19,686 --> 00:20:25,986
Oh, my God, Barney,
you really did just
rock my world.
495
00:20:26,025 --> 00:20:28,295
That was amazing.
496
00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:29,958
And I'm not lying.
497
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:32,156
I know you're not lying, baby.
498
00:20:32,198 --> 00:20:33,628
And it was good for you?
499
00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:37,296
It was the best sex
I've ever had.
500
00:20:37,337 --> 00:20:39,737
(yawns) Later.
501
00:20:43,209 --> 00:20:44,939
Daddy's back.
502
00:20:49,416 --> 00:20:50,746
Hey, buddy,
how's it going?
503
00:20:50,783 --> 00:20:51,783
Hey. Pretty good.
504
00:20:51,818 --> 00:20:53,518
Pretty good. Ooh!
505
00:20:53,553 --> 00:20:57,723
I can move my legs
now and I can lift
my arms this high.
506
00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:58,827
Oh!
Oh!
507
00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:01,688
Yeah, you know, I feel
like I have more energy.
508
00:21:01,728 --> 00:21:04,758
Yeah, it was hard
at first, but now
if I go a day
509
00:21:04,797 --> 00:21:07,197
without working out,
I miss it.
510
00:21:07,233 --> 00:21:08,273
I'm proud of us, guys.
511
00:21:08,301 --> 00:21:09,501
The first week
is the hardest.
512
00:21:09,536 --> 00:21:10,866
We're over the hump.
513
00:21:10,903 --> 00:21:12,973
Joining that gym was
the best decision
we ever made.
514
00:21:13,005 --> 00:21:15,335
And we never went back
to the gym again.
33386
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