All language subtitles for How.I.Met.Your.Mother.S03E08.WEBRip.x264-ION10

TED:
Kids, the early bloom of
a romance is a wonderful thing.

You meet someone, you have
a connection, and that person

becomes sheer perfection
in your eyes.

You just can't find
anything wrong with them.

You can't wait to tell
the world about it.

She convinced you
to go jogging?

Wow, you really want to get
in this girl's pants.

I'm telling you,
you guys are gonna love her.

Lily, she knows all about art.

Marshall,

she's open to the
existence of UFOs.

Barney,

she's hot. Robin,

she's not hotter than you.

Like her already.
How not hotter?

So we all went out to dinner,
and I couldn't wait

to see if my friends were
as crazy about Cathy as I was.

So, what's everyone getting?

Well, I can't decide.

Which sounds better,
chicken or lasagna?

Lasagna. Just get the lasagna!

Oh. You guys just
got a new place.

How many bedrooms is it?

Two. It's two bedrooms!

Okay! Let's hear it.

What's wrong with Cathy?

Are you kidding me, Ted?
She's got a...

You don't notice it?

Notice what?

Oh, he doesn't see it.

If we point it out, we're
gonna ruin her for him.

As his friends,

we'll just keep
him in the dark.

You're right.

She's great, man.

She's a keeper. Just...

keep her somewhere else.

(giggling)

Marshall, what is everyone's
problem with Cathy?

Oh, she's a total nightmare,
Ted,

but can we talk
about this later?

I'm a minute away

from finding out if I'm
gonna be a lawyer or not.

You see, kids,
during the summer,

Marshall had taken
the New York Bar exam.

His years of school,
his countless hours of study,

had finally culminated in this
grueling, two-day ordeal.

And... begin.

(vomiting)

The pressure of it
was enormous.

Every year, people taking
the bar simply cracked.

No! No!

No!

(shrieking):
No!

But Marshall
had made it through.

And...

time.

Time's up.

Right.

Time.

Sir.
I know.

Your time is...
I know it is.

Give me...!

Now, months later, the results
of that exam were scheduled

to post online at 10:00,

and it was 9:59.

Damn, they're not up yet.

Oh, don't worry, baby.
I'm sure you rocked it.

I mean, how many people
fail the bar?

Half.

Oh, my God, half?

Only half the people pass?

I mean, half the people pass.

That's fantastic.

Go, Marshall.

Oh, hey, can I
jump on there?

I want to show you
something awesome.
What?

No. Bar results. My future.

Trust me. You
need to see this.

What is so important
that I need to see it right now?

It's a video of a dog
pooping on a baby.

How do I need to see that?

Why would I want to see that?

In what possible way could
subjecting my eyes and my brain

to something that disgusting
enrich my life?

It's a dog pooping on a baby.

Get away from my computer.

Okay, just do a quick Google
search for "caca spaniel."

The results are in.

Whoo. What's it say?

"Input password."

ALL:
Input the password.

It's okay. They assigned it
to me when I took the test.

It's gotta be around here
somewhere.

Here. Here-here-here.

Jelly beans, fluffernutter,
Gummi Bears, ginger snaps...

This is a grocery list.

For who? A witch building
a house in the forest?

Sugar helps me study.

This is like the shopping
a ten-year-old does

when his parents leave him alone
for the weekend.

What parent leaves a ten-
year-old alone for the weekend?

And your mom was perfect.

I can't find my password!
Okay, just...

can't you let 'em know
that you lost it

and they'll e-mail it
to you or something?

No! They won't
let me do that.

I'm gonna have to wait
till the results come

in the regular mail.

That could be weeks from now,
if ever!

Our mail carrier hates me
ever since I asked her

when the baby was due.

She wasn't pregnant?

No, he was not.

Ooh. Okay, well,
that's a drag,

but the results
will come eventually.

Just try to keep it off
your mind until then.

(phone ringing)

Hey, Brad.

Oh, congratulations, man.

I'm, uh... I'm not sure yet.

I lost my password.

That's great, Cara.

I don't know yet.
I lost my password.

I don't know how I lost it!

This stuff happens!

Oh. Ohh! You're one to talk.

You misplace stuff all the time.

I'm sorry.

I'm sure the nurses are
stealing your medicine, Grandma.

Love you, too.

If I have to wait six weeks
to find out if I passed,

I-I'm gonna have
a heart attack.

Based on that grocery list, I'd
say diabetes is a bigger worry.

You know what?
Laugh all you want.

This affects my whole
future, all right?

(laughing)

Okay.

I probably shouldn't
be telling you this.

I definitely shouldn't
be telling you this,

but there is a way I can
help you with your problem.

How?

I know a guy at work.

He can get access to software
designed to penetrate firewalls

and retrieve passwords
through secure servers.

I can get into any computer.

So what do we do? Like,
arrange a secret meeting

in a darkened parking structure?

No.

Can we?

No.

I have a trench coat.

Dude, be cool.

So, I just got off the phone
with Cathy.

God, you guys are so right.

I totally hear it now.

See it now?

Smell it?

What is it?!

I left the table
for two minutes.

What could she have
possibly done

in that time that was
so horrible? Was it...

I'll be back in one second.

One time, in the tenth grade,
as a joke, I told everyone

that my English teacher
had sex with me.

(Cathy laughs)

He's still in jail.

Or maybe...

I'll be back in a second.

So I volunteer at the pound.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Yeah. You can't imagine
the rush you get

from killing an unwanted puppy.

I make bracelets
out of the collars.

Or...

I'll be back in one second.

I bet he's going to the urinal.

Yeah.

I remember when I had a penis.

It wasn't anything she did
while you were in the bathroom.

It's just the way she is.

I don't get it.

If it's so obvious
and you guys all see it,

how come I don't?

'Cause we're not trying
to have sex with her.

Mmm.
Brother,

you're driving the "I want
to have sex with her" truck,

and it's got a huge blind spot.

That's ridiculous.

Is it really?

Ted, let me tell you
a little story

about a young lady I wanted
to have sex with-- Lucilia.

On a white sand beach
in Rio de Janeiro,

we made love
for ten straight hours.

When we were done,

she applauded

and told me
I was far, far better

than the best lover
she could possibly imagine,

and that I had restored
her faith in God.

What does this
have to do with Cathy?

Who's Cathy?

Just tell me what the hell

is wrong with her already.

Okay. You want to know?

Yes.

You want to shatter

this beautiful illusion
you've created for yourself?

Fine. Here it is.

Cathy talks... a lot.

Oh, come on.

That's not true.

Ted. Really, really
think about that dinner

we all just had together.

And I did.

So, what's
everyone getting?

Well, I can't decide.

Which sounds better,
chicken or lasagna?

I like chicken.

I like lasagna.
I like them both,

but I really like pork.

A lot of people don't

eat pork, and
maybe it's because

of that movie Babe
or something.

But that was funny.

He was a talking pig

and he was like
"Bah, Ram, Ewe!"

What-what if

there was a sorority,
"Bah, Ram, Ewe?"

I'd totally rush it.

...And so I named him
Dr. Seuss!

Lorax is a funny word.

Lasagna! Just get the lasagna!

Oh, you guys
just got a new place.

How many bedrooms

is it?

I would love

to have an extra bedroom,

because I would put
a Stairmaster in there.

But you guts should get
a convertible sofa.

Or a futon.
Futons are great.

Or what about
one of those

Murphy beds?

Who invented the Murphy bed?

Was it a guy named Murphy?

Oh, my God.

Do you guys remember
that show Murphy Brown?

That was a funny show.

She had a new assistant
every episode.

...and it was like
half an hour

before I realized he wasn't
even on the phone anymore!

Isn't that hysterical?

Two! It's two bedrooms!

Hey, do you guys
like cannolis?

Because I know this place
and it's in the South Bronx

and you wouldn't expect it,

but they have the best
cannolis in town.

(glass shattering)

And just like that,
the illusion was shattered.

Wow.

She just never
shuts up, does she?

She didn't stop

to swallow her food.

I was scared for her.

I didn't want her
to choke.

At first.

So kids, this girl I was dating
would not stop talking.

Can you imagine
how awful that is?

(chattering)

Do you own a wok?

'Cause that's really how...

Don't you just love autumn?

Today I'm dressed for...

Oh, my God. The sweetest thing.

And I know this great place
where we can go.

They have guys
and girls clothes.

We could both shop
at the same time.

And a lot of times boyfriends
and girlfriends...

Hey!

Why are you running so fast?

Well, thank you, pal.

You and your
little friends,

you just had
to tell me.

You just had to give in
to my incessant begging.

You said
that you wanted to know.

I didn't want to know!

You said you wanted to know!

Well, I didn't know
I didn't want to know!

You knew.
And you know me.

And you should have known
I didn't want to know!

You know?

I'm sorry we told you.

I'm surprised she didn't tell
you herself at some point.

There's only a finite
combination of words

in the English language.

Well, you could have let me
enjoy it a little longer.

She's got all these

other great qualities.

She's smart. She's caring.
She loves animals...

You know how
to teach her a lesson?

Buy her a parrot.

Oh, come on. I'm sorry
that we told you, okay?

It's part of being
in a relationship.

Eventually, you get used
to these annoying little things

that bug you at first.

Yeah, I guess.

I mean, you got used
to Lily's loud chewing, right?

Lily doesn't chew loudly.

Dude...

Come on. This isn't news.

Why do you think I call her
"Chewbacca"?

I assumed because she's loyal,
wears shiny belts

and I resemble
a young Harrison Ford.

Think about it.

(crunching loudly)

(crunching loudly)

(inhaling loudly)

Oh, man, honestly, dude,
that's the meanest thing

you've ever done to me.

I really thought you knew.

We had ribs the other night.
It sounded like Jurassic Park.

Ha-ha-ha. You know what?

It doesn't matter.

But it did.

(crunching loudly)

Say, what's in that cereal

besides dry twigs
and small animal bones?

What's that supposed to mean?

Lily, I love you,
but honest to God,

when you eat, it sounds like
a garbage disposal

full of drywall screws.

What's the matter with you?

We've been together ten years,
and you're saying this now?

Well, I never noticed it before
until...

Until what?

Can you believe Ted?

What a lame thing to say,
that I'm a loud chewer.

(crunching loudly)

Yeah, that's crazy.

Maybe enough with the pretzels.

Oh, my God, do I really chew
that loudly?

No, no, no.

Okay, now that
you pointed it out,

maybe it does sound
slightly like someone put

a screwdriver
in a pencil sharpener,

but in a cute way.

This is all Ted's fault.

Oh, like he's so perfect,
Mr. Corrector.

What do you mean?

Oh, come on. You dated
the guy for a year

and you never noticed
that most of what Ted says

is correcting you.

Hey, can you hand me a Kleenex?

Actually, Kleenex
is a brand.

This is a facial tissue.

Oh, my God, is Frankenstein
gonna kill that little girl?

Uh, Dr. Frankenstein
isn't in this scene.

That's Frankenstein's
monster.

(sighs)
That literally
blew my mind.

Figuratively.

(both sigh)

Oh, my God, you're right.

That is so annoying.

Isn't it?
(crunching loudly)

Where are those pretzels from,
Ace Hardware?

Hey, man,

you like kettle corn?

I'm trying to get rid
of anything crunchy.

Are the blinds closed?

I don't know.

Are the blinds closed?!

Yes, the blinds are closed.

Good, I didn't think
I was followed,

but you can never
be too sure.

Now double-lock
the door

and stay away
from the windows.

Is there a reason that
you're acting like this?

We're about to find out
if you're a lawyer.

Now, in good conscience,
I have to inform you

that using this software

is in violation
of the Patriot Act,

the Strategic Defense
Initiative,

and the National Security Act
of 1948, which created the CIA.

So I hope you passed
the bar because

if we use this software,
the night janitor Gligor

who I fooled into putting
fingerprints on my computer,

is going to need a good lawyer.

Are you certain you want
to go through with this?

I have to know,
yes, yes.

Very good.

First, we go to the New York
State Bar Web site.

We disable the firewall,
then the recursive algorithm

grabs your password, and as
the application erases itself

leaving no trace
we were here ever...

you ready
to see your future, bro?

Yes.

It's a dog pooping on a baby.

Right!
Isn't that awesome?

So you went through
all this just to get me

to look at your
stupid video?

Yeah, it was worth it.

Barney, Barney, that was
the biggest test of my life.

I'm incredibly stressed out
right now, and I...

(dog barking, baby cooing)

Okay, that's
pretty funny.

You got to see this.

Uh-huh, yeah, I have to...

She'll call back
when she realizes I'm gone.

Probably in about 45 minutes.

(both laugh)

Hey.
Hi.

You guys want a drink?

I'll just have
a water.

Mm, technically,
water is a drink.

Really, Professor?

You drink it?
Is that how water works?

Because I was just gonna
smear it on my skin

and hope that I absorbed it.

Or you could, you know,
pour it over your shirt.

What's with you?

You're always correcting people.

You totally do that!
That's absolutely right.

Right? I never
noticed it before,

and now it's literally
driving me crazy.

Figuratively.

Okay, maybe so,
but it's no worse

than you using the word
"literally"

in every other
sentence.

Don't they teach
vocabulary in Canada?

They literally don't.
They literally don't.

Shut up, Marshall.

That's nothing compared

to your thing of singing
what you do all the time.

What?

* Paying my bills
using return address labels *

* From a charity
that I haven't given money to *

* Writing a check
'cause now I feel guilty *

* The Salivation Army
does not fight fair. *

(crunching loudly)

* Heading down to
the basement today *

* With my laundry
and a roll of quarters *

* But I'm back too soon *

* 'Cause I left
the detergent *

* And the fabric softener *

Wow.
Those lines are
so sloppy.

Oh, come on!

What about you, "Barney"?

Okay, you...

always...

Interesting, interesting,

everyone has annoying habits
but me.

Oh, got it.

Okay, you sometimes talk
in a weird high-pitched voice.

And you're constantly using
lame catchphrases.

And sometimes you space out
and don't even pay attention

to what we're
talking about.

I'm sorry. What?

Oh, see?

You can't think of anything

(high-pitched):
* 'Cause I'm awesome! *

All three right there.

Well, technically, "awesome"
wouldn't be a catchphrase.

If anything,
it's more of a catchword.

I literally want
to rip your head off.

You mean "figuratively"!

No, I literally mean
"literally."

(crunching loudly)
Literally, literally
literally.

Oh, my God, Lily, what
are you eating, gravel?

Oh, I know, right?

It sounds like cuff links
going up a vacuum cleaner.

Well, why don't
you sing about it?

Because I don't sing
about everything I do.

No, no, sometimes you just sing
nonsense sentences

like a stroke victim,

and what's worse,

they're catchy.

* Apple, orchard, banana,
cat dance, 8663 *

See? We know that one
because once you sang that

for, like, three hours.
What the hell is that?

That's my password.

AOBCD8663.

(baby crying)
Oh, Marshall!
Awesome!

There's another one.

It's called "Golden Reliever,"
where this dog...
Yeah,

we can guess.
All right, guys,

guys, guys.

I'm a lawyer.

(all cheering)

And just like that

we stopped fighting and
celebrated Marshall's success.

You see, when someone's bad
habits are pointed out to you,

it's hard to ignore them.

* I'm a lawyer now
'cause I passed the bar *

* I'm imposing Marshall law
on this champagne. *

(all laughing)

Are you literally
on cloud nine right now?

Baby, you never have
to take the bar again.

(crunches loudly)

Actually, if he practices law
in another state,

he will have to,

but New York, man!

It's a great state
to practice law in!

(high-pitched):
Lawsuit up!

Yeah!
Whoo!

Yeah!
Yeah!

But if you love them enough,

those bad habits
are easy to forget.

Three years later, I ran into
Kathy, and she was doing well.

Ted?!

Oh, my God,
I haven't seen you in so long!

How long has it been?
Three years? No, four.

No, three, 'cause I went blonde
and then I went back

'cause I was having
too much fun.

It's true what they say:
blondes have more fun.

Oh, my God, I'm being so rude.

Ted, this is my fiancé.

Yes, I'm engaged.

Ted, this is Daniel.

You guys

seem perfect for each other.

Oh, my God.

I know, right? Totally,
it was like love at first sight.

Hey, we should go out sometime.

Are you seeing anyone?
Because we could double-date.

Is that weird? No, it's not.

We can go have brunch.
I know this place.

Do you guys like popovers?
Because I love popovers.

They're like
croissants,

but they're a little bit less
flaky and they're kind of round.

Hey, they have
strawberry jam.