All language subtitles for Get.Smart.1965.S04E14.REMASTERED.DVDRip.XviD-FQM

Hello.

Operator: mr. Maxwell
Smart, please.

- long distance calling.
- I'm drenched.

I have a call from mrs.
Smart for mr. Smart.

is he there, mr. Drenched?

No, my name isn't...
Mrs. Smart, did you say?

- that is correct.
- yes, I'll accept the call.

please deposit $4.75.

Right, operator.

- 99. - hello, max. How are you?

Gee, I'm sure glad
To hear your voice.

sorry, your time is up.

Look, 99, why don't you call me
Right back and reverse the charges?

Right, max.

- who is it?
- man: it's your spiffy vacuum cleaner man.

I'm sorry, but I'm not
Interested in a vacuum cleaner.

spiffy cleans in a jiffy.

Good for spiffy. I'm
Still not interested.

Look, I'm very busy. I'm expecting
A long distance phone call.

There it is now. Excuse me.

Hello.

Operator: mr. Drenched,
I have a collect call

from mrs. Smart for mr. Smart.

- I'll accept it.
- go ahead, please.

Oh, hello, max. I
Miss you so much.

I miss you too. How's
The assignment coming?

Pretty well. I should have it
Wrapped up in two or three days.

Good. I can't wait
For you to get home.

Things aren't the same
Around here without you.

aw, have you been taking
Care of yourself, max?

- have you been eating a good breakfast?
- don't worry, 99.

Every morning when I get up, I go
Down to the lunchroom on the corner,

Have breakfast and then I run
Right back to the apartment.

Oh, max, you shouldn't eat
There. The food is terrible.

Why do you think I run
Right back to the apartment?

Max, I don't want you
To eat there anymore.

If you don't feel like cooking, just go to
The supermarket and get some tv dinners.

I did, 99, but they
Canceled all my favorites.

Max, I'm late for a contact.

You take better care of
Yourself. I'll call again tomorrow.

- goodbye, sweetheart.
- bye-bye, love.

- who is it?
- man: your spiffy vacuum cleaner man.

I already told you I'm not
Interested in buying a vacuum cleaner.

sir, just let me show you
The quality of the hose.

I really appreciate this.

You're the first person
Who even let me in the door.

Yes well, that's all
Very well and good.

Nevertheless, I have no
Need for a vacuum cleaner,

- so you're just wasting your time.
- it's okay.

When I go back to the office,

I have to tell them I
Had a demonstration.

All right, go ahead.
Demonstrate it.

- just take a second.
- you're wasting your time.

I'm telling you I don't
Need a vacuum cleaner.

Wait'll you see it.
You'll appreciate it.

- is that dirt?
- yes, it is, but it's clean.

It's the first time
I used it all day.

I certainly hope
This thing can pick

All that junk you just
Threw all over my new rug.

You're not gonna believe
When you hear this machine.

Huh? How about that motor?

- you can hardly hear it.
- I can't hear it at all.

That's because it's not running.

There's a short. I'll get the...

I have another one, sir, in
My car, a new demonstrator.

- let me get that.
- don't bother.

- I'll use my own vacuum, clean it up.
- no, don't do that.

That dirt won't come up
In your vacuum cleaner.

This is a special kind of dirt.
It'll only work in a spiffy.

Don't panic. I'll be right back.

Spiffy in a jiffy.

Gas.

Chief, you'll never believe
What just happened to me.

I was gassed by a phony
Vacuum-cleaner salesman.

And when I came to,

My whole apartment had
Been completely ransacked.

- they're early.
- who's early?

Kaos... They're
Looking for dr. Canyon.

- who's dr. Canyon?
- a kaos scientist

Who's invented a
Formula for invisibility.

- invisibility?
- dr. Canyon has defected to this country

And has offered to turn
The secret over to control.

- what secret?
- the secret of invisibility, max.

Oh, that secret.

Then that's why they
Searched my apartment.

- chief?
- yeah?

why did they search
My apartment?

Max, this is too vital
To discuss on the phone.

I couldn't agree more, chief.

- you come down here as soon as you can.
- I'm leaving now, chief.

- and I'll fill you in.
- on what?

- max!
- I'm leaving right away, chief.

- is there anything I can bring you?
- no, thanks, max.

I've already got it.

Dr. Canyon's formula for
Invisibility's really quite simple.

All objects reflect
Or refract light waves.

The formula changes
The absorption ratio

So the optic nerve is unable
To transmit light impulses

To the cerebellum, thus rendering
Anything it touches imperceptible.

That's easy for you to say.

Max, in other words,

It has the ability to
Cloud men's minds.

Hey, chief, that'd come in
Very handy during an election.

It comes in handy
Right now, max.

There's something I
Haven't told you yet.

Brace yourself.

Kaos has stolen
The ginsburg papers.

- chief.
- yes.

Someone's been putting
Gum under your desk.

Max, didn't you
Hear what I said?

The ginsburg papers
Have been stolen.

You know how valuable
They are to our government.

I know. If those papers
Fall into the wrong hands...

Max, they are in
The wrong hands,

- and we've got to get them back.
- how are we gonna do that?

Who is the one person who could
Penetrate kaos headquarters,

Get the ginsburg papers and
Slip out without being noticed?

- the vice president.
- wrong.

Dr. Canyon.

Of course, dr. Canyon. He
Could make himself invisible

And walk right into
Kaos headquarters.

There's only one danger:

The formula wears off
With very little warning.

If that should happen while
He's in there, they'll kill him.

That's the chance
We'll have to take, chief.

I'd rather risk one of our own agents,
But until the formula's perfected,

- dr. Canyon won't let anyone else use it.
- when does dr. Canyon get here?

Tonight by boat. You're to meet
Him at the golden frigate cafe.

- what does he look like?
- we don't know.

We don't have a picture
Of dr. Canyon in our files.

But you go to the cafe
And he'll contact you.

Now remember, max, your
Job is to protect him from kaos

Until complete security
Arrangements can be made.

I'll hide him at my apartment.
Kaos has already searched there.

Good thinking, max. Oh, one
More thing... This case is a code "Z."

That means you can't discuss
It with anyone, not even 99.

- right, chief.
- now, max,

I want you to be very careful.

Kaos will stop at nothing
To get at the doctor.

Don't worry, chief. They're dealing
With a thoroughly experienced,

Highly-trained, alert
And perceptive agent,

One who doesn't overlook
The minutest detail.

Chief, what was that place that
I was supposed to meet him at?

Hello, chief, max.

Something's gone wrong.

I've been here for
Over two hours

And no sign of dr. Canyon yet.

Invisible, eh?

All right, chief, I'll
Keep my eyes open.

Wait a minute, chief.

The door just opened
And closed by itself.

I think dr. Canyon just came in,

Or went out.

I can't talk anymore,
Chief. Canyon's here.

And you're right.
He's invisible.

Don't worry, chief.
He's in good hands.

Dr. Canyon.

Maxwell smart, secret
Agent 86 of control.

We've got to be very
Careful. Here's the...

Don't worry, dr. Canyon.

It's waterproof.

Don't move, dr. Canyon.

Two kaos agents just came in.

We've gotta get out
Of here. Follow me.

And try not to be conspicuous.

Now the front door is blocked.

So we'll have to escape through
The window of the men's room.

Woman's voice: I'm afraid
We'll have to think

of another way out, mr. Smart.

Come in now.

All right, now I don't want
You to go near any windows.

Don't open the door for anybody,

And above all, keep
Your voice down.

I'm a married man,
And it'd be pretty hard

To explain to the neighbors what
A woman is doing in my apartment

While my wife is away.
Have you got that?

Shh. We may have been followed.

- who is it?
- dr. Canyon.

I'm going to bed now, doctor.

If you need any more blankets,
You'll find 'em in the closet.

I'll see you in the morning.

Better make that, "I'll
Talk to you in the morning."

Am I tired.

Dr. Canyon, what are
You doing on the sofa?

I was sleeping.

You're supposed to be
Upstairs in the bedroom.

I didn't want to be
Any trouble, mr. Smart.

I'll be fine right
Here on the sofa.

Nonsense. I won't hear of it.

Now I want you to get
A good night's sleep.

- what's the matter?
- I'm not sure.

I feel dizzy.

I'm afraid the
Formula is wearing off.

perhaps I'd better...

Doctor, doctor!

Oh, that's just great.

What else can happen
To me today? What else?

- who is it?
- it's me, max.

That's what else.

max, why don't
You open the door?

Yes, I will in a minute, dear,

But right now I
Have my hands full.

aren't you gonna
Open the door, max?

Yes, dear, in a minute.
What are you doing here?

max, I live here.

Yes, but you're not supposed
To live here for two more days.

we got a break on the case,

and I wrapped it up right
After I talked to you,

- so I caught a plane and here I am.
- good.

Oops.

Excuse me, doctor.

Max!

Oh!

I missed you so much.

Oh, it's so wonderful
To be home.

Listen, 99, I know
You must be famished.

Why don't we run down to
Chinatown and get some chop suey?

- no, max, I ate on the plane.
- ate on the plane.

Max, were you
Sleeping on the sofa?

Huh? Oh, the sofa, yes yes.

As a matter of fact, 99, I
Was sleeping on the sofa.

You see, I wanted to
Be next to the phone

- in case you called.
- but there's a phone in the bedroom.

A phone upstairs,
Yes, that phone.

Well, I wanted to be down
Here next to this phone

Because you see, this
Phone is next to your picture.

Why didn't you take
My picture upstairs?

Your picture upstairs, yes,
Well, to tell you the truth, 99,

I was afraid that I would
Drop your picture and break it.

- max, how can you break cardboard?
- cardboard, yes.

That's hard to
Break, I'll tell you.

I have a tremendous idea. Why
Don't we go down to chinatown,

And we'll get a nice bite to
Eat, maybe some nice chow mein?

- max, you asked me that before.
- no no no no, I asked you about chop suey.

- I still ate on the plane.
- egg foo young?

Max, it's 4:00 in the morning.

Close the door
And let's go to bed.

Look, 99, look,
Here, this'll be nice.

You can sleep right here.
I'll have this fixed in a jiffy,

And you'll just
Sleep like a baby.

Everything will
Be just beautiful.

Max, I'm not sleeping on the sofa.
I'm sleeping upstairs in our bed.

Yes, well look, 99, I've
Got a tremendous idea.

Why don't you fix yourself

A nice cup of hot, warm milk,

And I'll take your bag
Upstairs to the bedroom?

Good idea, max.

- where am I?
- shh, my wife is downstairs.

But I thought you said
She was out of town.

She was, but she isn't.

All I can say is it's a good
Thing that you're invisible

Because if my
Wife ever saw you...

Dr. Canyon, you're visible.

- max!
- oh, hi, 99.

Now wait a minute, 99. I can
Explain anything... I mean everything.

There's nothing to
Explain. It's perfectly clear.

It's not perfectly clear. You don't
Even know why I brought dr. Canyon here.

I suppose you're gonna tell me she's
Part of some secret case you're working on.

- how did you know that?
- oh, max, goodbye.

Mrs. Smart. I think we
Owe her an explanation.

Now just a moment, dr. Canyon.

This is a code "Z" case, and I'm not
Allowed to tell anybody about it,

- not even my wife.
- I am not a control agent.

You see, mrs. Smart, your husband
Was assigned to protect me from kaos.

- and may I ask why?
- I invented a formula for invisibility.

And that's the truth, 99. When
I brought dr. Canyon home,

I thought he'd be a short, fat,
Bald-headed, little old scientist.

I never dreamed for one single
Moment that it would turn out

To be this luscious, beautiful,
Gorgeous woman that you see before you.

I don't think I explained
That too good.

I think you explained
It perfectly. Goodbye.

Wait.

I can prove it. I have a can of
Invisibility spray in my purse.

That's it. Where's your purse?

I don't know. It's invisible, and I
Can't remember where I put it down.

It must be around
Here someplace.

Oh! I found it.

Canyon: the spray can should be
Visible because it's inside the purse.

Just reach in and get it.

Now watch this, 99.

Mr. Smart, I'd
Rather you wouldn't.

It's all right, doctor. I
Just wanna prove something.

Max, you're invisible!

You were telling the truth.

- then you forgive me?
- oh, of course I forgive you, max,

But how can you ever forgive me?

I mean, I was such a bad
Person not to believe you

When you were
Telling me the truth.

- goodbye, max.
- where are you going now?

- I'm leaving you.
- what for?

I don't deserve you.

Oh, hello, 99. Gee,
I'm glad you're back.

You could be a real
Help on this assignment.

Now I'll fill you
In on the details.

- I know all about it.
- chief: who told you?

- she did.
- who's she?

- dr. Canyon.
- dr. Canyon's a woman?

- max: that's right.
- who's that?

- it's me, chief. I'm invisible.
- max?

That's wonderful. The
Formula really works.

- what's up, chief?
- we've just learned

That kaos is going to take the ginsburg
Papers out of the country tonight.

Kaos has the ginsburg papers?

Unfortunately for
The civilized world, yes.

Now we have exactly one hour
To penetrate kaos headquarters

And take out those papers.
Doctor, make yourself invisible.

- I can't.
- why not?

Mr. Smart used
Up all the formula.

- can't you make some more?
- yes, I can,

- but it'll take me five hours.
- we don't have that much time.

- max, it's up to you.
- I'll try, chief.

but I doubt if I could make the
Formula any faster than dr. Canyon.

I don't mean that, max.

I mean now that
You're already invisible,

You'll have to penetrate kaos
Headquarters and take out those papers.

it'll be a pushover, chief. I'll be able
To move around kaos headquarters

just like I'm moving around
In this room right now.

I won't even have to
Look out for the guards.

but I'll have to watch
Out for the lamps.

Hey, how much longer?

Another 25 minutes. Then we can stop
Worrying about the ginsburg papers.

Then let's grab a cup of coffee.

- you know we can't leave this room.
- what could happen?

There's a guard on every
Floor. Double security.

It would be impossible
For anybody to get in here.

What was that?

The lamp fell over.

Lamps just don't fall over.

This one did.

Ugh, will you look at
The dust on that lamp?

- gesundheit.
- what did you say?

- I said gesundheit.
- oh.

What for? I didn't sneeze.

Well, someone did.

There's someone in this room.

Hey, relax. We've been guarding
These papers so long you're beginning

- to imagine things.
- just the same, we can't take any chances.

You know what would happen if
Those papers fell into the wrong hands?

Gentlemen, those papers are

In the wrong hands.

You're right. There is
Someone in this room.

That's right. Maxwell
Smart, agent 86.

And you're powerless

Because I happen
To be invisible.

so, gentlemen, go ahead
And fire your guns if you wish.

It will do you no good because
You don't know where I am.

You see, one minute
I might be here.

And then the next minute,

I might be over here.

And of course, a minute later,

I might be here.

It all reminds me of a
Little poem I once heard.

"They seek him here.

They seek him there.

Those frenchies
Seek him everywhere.

Is he in heaven,
Or is he in hell?

Ha ha ha ha! That
Darned elusive...

Pimpernel."

So you see, gentlemen,

The truth of the matter is

That I can take the
Ginsburg papers

Anytime I like.

And there is nothing
You can do to stop me.

Get your foot off the chair.

Don't tell me I'm not invisible.

You're not invisible.

I asked him not to tell me that.

Do you know what's going
To happen to you, smart?

- you're gonna have an accident.
- one 15 floors up.

You're going to fall
Out of that window,

And it's going to
Look like a suicide.

Wrong, gentlemen,
Because there is no way

In this world that you can
Make me jump out that window.

Therefore, your
Plan will not work.

But it's certainly worth a try.

Get out on that ledge.

Now just a moment, gentlemen.

Surely you don't think I would be
Stupid enough to come here by myself.

- yes, we do.
- that's where you're wrong.

Because at this very moment,
Control agent fredericks

Is standing right behind you.

You don't think
We're stupid enough

To fall for that trick, do you?

Now get out on that ledge.

All right, fredericks.
Let 'em have it.

Moorpark, is there
Someone behind me?

No.

That's funny. Someone just
Tapped me on the shoulder.

Good work, fredericks.

Fredericks?

I don't know anybody
Named fredericks.

Boy, am I glad dr. Canyon
Showed up when she did.

Fortunately, with the
Help of the boys in the lab,

She made the formula
In less than an hour.

- lucky break for me.
- lucky break for the world.

We saved the ginsburg
Papers. Where are they, max?

Right here, chief.

Wait a minute. These
Are the wrong papers.

- what do you mean, max?
- these are the gottlieb papers.

No, max, those are
The ginsburg papers.

But it says right
There, "Gottlieb."

Ginsburg changed his name.