All language subtitles for Get.Smart.1965.S04E12.REMASTERED.DVDRip.XviD-FQM

Oh, max, what a fabulous
Surprise for our honeymoon!

And all this time
You had me thinking

That you had made reservations

At the anthracite
Hotel in pittsburgh.

Oh, that was just to
Throw you off the track, 99.

Actually, I've been planning this
Trip to the caribbean all along.

- what's the name of the boat again?
- the chiquita.

That's an odd name
For an ocean liner.

Yes, it is. But it's a perfect
Name for a banana boat.

A banana boat? Is that safe?

Well, this boat has an
Excellent safety record, 99.

In 40 years it's
Only had one mishap.

That's when it collided with a
Freighter carrying cornflakes.

- but that's terrible.
- not really.

Fortunately, a sugar
Boat came along.

Stop worrying, 99.
It's perfectly safe.

And they have some very
Nice tourist cabins aboard.

I can't believe that we're finally
Going to go on our honeymoon.

We've done all of
Our assignments

And we're going to have
Two glorious weeks alone.

- what are you doing, max?
- I think I packed

The boat tickets in your
Overnight case by mistake.

Oh, be very careful
How you open that.

That's my control
Luggage. It's booby-trapped.

99, I'm perfectly
Familiar with this type...

Oh, you get the door, max.
I'll look for the tickets.

- who is it?
- man: telegram.

Slip it under the door.

- why don't you open the door, max?
- forget it, 99.

That may be a kaos agent,

And I'm not taking any chances
Of getting involved in a case

When we're going
On our honeymoon.

it's a telegram.

probably someone
Else congratulating us.

- who is it?
- man: telegram.

- I've got it.
- but I didn't get it.

Didn't get what?

- a tip, max.
- oh.

Well, I don't have any change.

I'll take a check.

- I'll get my purse.
- max: wait a minute.

I've got a dime.

Man: why don't you
Shove it under the door?

Who is it from, max?

- the united states navy.
- my goodness.

I knew you had some
Friends in high places,

But a congratulatory note
From the united states navy?

Yes, well, it's not
Exactly congradula...

Conglag... Co...

It's not what you
Said, 99. It's mandatory.

You see, I've been called
Up for active reserve duty.

I have to report in 24 hours.

But how can they do that?

What about our honeymoon?
What about our cruise?

- we can still go on the cruise, 99.
- how can we?

We'll just have to
Take different ships.

Chief, you've gotta help
Me. I'm in a lot of trouble.

What trouble's that, max?

99 and I were about to
Start on our honeymoon

And I got this telegram
From the naval reserve

Telling me to report
For duty within 24 hours.

- you have my sympathy, max.
- I need more than your sympathy, chief.

Can't you pull some strings? You've
Got some friends in washington.

- not enough, I'm afraid.
- what do you mean?

I'm going with you, max.
I've been activated too.

Well, that's great.
That's just great.

I don't understand
It, chief. I thought

That joining the naval
Reserve was part of our cover.

As spies, I never dreamed that
They'd call us up for active duty.

That's because they
Don't know we're spies.

Control is such a super
Secret organization

That even the army and
Navy don't know we exist.

I still don't think it's fair.

I mean, after all, they
Never draft the c.I.A.

Well, that's because the c.I.A.
Isn't a secret organization.

- it's supposed to be, but it's not.
- yes.

What are 99 and I
Supposed to do?

I mean, I can't let her go on
Our honeymoon by herself.

You'll just have to
Wait until you get back.

After all, max, it's
Only for two weeks.

After all...

After all, I have a bigger
Problem than you have.

Jose vargas is going to
Be in washington this week.

He'll only be here two days
And I wanted to be here to see him.

I hardly think that a
Spanish flamenco dancer

Is more important
Than my honeymoon.

Max, jose vargas is a member
Of the spanish secret service.

Oh, that jose vargas.

Well, he's a
Member of the s.S.S.

The s.S.S.S.S.S.

The s.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S?

The spanish secret service
Strategic security staff.

Of course, the
Spanish security sap...

Seep... Secret service... The
Secret spanish sta... The sa...

He's one of those
Spanish spies, chief,

A fellow with a little
Mustache and a big chihuahua.

No, max, the little
Chihuahua, big mustache.

His little chihuahua
Has a big mustache?

Max, vargas is
Flying in from spain

- to pick up the obermeyer file.
- who is obermeyer?

Obermeyer is kaos's
Number-one espionage agent.

They arrested him in spain, but we
Have the evidence here to incriminate him.

Now vargas is coming
Over here from spain

To get the evidence and take
It back with him to the trial.

- that's why I wanted to be here.
- I see.

Well, as long as 99 isn't
Going on our honeymoon,

She can stay here and
Pick up the papers from him.

I'd feel a lot better
If I could be here,

But I guess I have
No other choice.

Now where are my car keys?

I know I had them
Here someplace.

- uh, oh, I know where they are, chief.
- where?

I packed them. I'll
Get them for you.

Max, don't open that.
That's a special case!

Don't worry, chief.

I know what to do. You just
Step back to avoid the knife.

What are those?

Max, it's a new escape
Device from the control lab.

If you're trapped you use the
Bubbles as you would a smokescreen.

What's the matter
With a smokescreen?

Smoke maybe hazardous
To your health.

Oh, max, I'll miss you so much.

I'll write you every day.

I'll write you twice a day, 99.

That will be an awful
Lot of letters, max.

Yes, well, we can save them
And read them on our honeymoon.

It'll give us something to do.

Uh, how do you
Like my new uniform?

Oh, you look so handsome in it.

Well, I guess
This is it, my dear.

Try to remember me, my
Darling, when I'm out on the briny

With the salt
Water in my nostrils

And the giant waves dashing
Against the hull of the ship

And the deck pitching and
Weaving beneath my feet.

Max, this boat is
Tied up for repairs.

You're not going out to sea.

Oh, too bad. I was just
Beginning to get my sea legs.

Well, I guess this is it, dear.

Anchors away!

Come on, 99.

Uh, I wonder if you could
Get a sailor to take my bag.

Good evening, sir.

We have two men onboard
We haven't been notified about.

These are their orders.

They look authentic, but
I'll check them out anyway.

In the meantime, don't let
These men out of your sight.

Assign them some minor
Duties to keep them busy.

Right, sir.

All right, men, I'm in
Charge of this detail.

Ensign maxwell smart,
United states naval reserve.

Now you men probably think

That just because
We're not going to sea

And because I'm on
Temporary duty here

That this is going
To be a soft touch.

well, you're wrong!
Now hear this:

I intend to run a taut ship,

Because a taut
Ship is a happy ship,

Whereas a loose
Ship, uh... Leaks a lot.

Now this is

What will be known
As a p.D. Detail.

Now for those of you
Who are summertime sailors,

You are probably not
Familiar with that expression.

Well, I'll explain it to you.

A p.D. Detail is a
Paint detail detail.

Now, men, I can't overemphasize

The importance of this duty.

A ship is like an iron gate.

If you don't
Paint it... It rusts.

For the next two weeks you
Will be painting day and night,

Night and day.

Except for you, of course.

All right. We'll
Start off, sailor,

With you painting the ceilings.

you'll paint the decks.

And when you're finished painting the
Decks you'll paint all the passageways

On the starboard
Side of the ship.

You'll paint all
The wet paint signs.

you'll follow him up,

And if his wet paint
Signs aren't dry

You will paint wet paint
Signs for his wet paint signs.

Now are there any questions?

- besides you.
- sir, may I speak to you for a minute?

What is it, sailor?

Max, you can't show me any
Favoritism. It won't look right.

But, chief, I can't give you
Orders. You're my boss.

Not for the next two weeks, max.

You'll give me orders
And I'll carry them out.

Well, okay, if that's the
Way you want it, sailor.

All right, men,
We'll need someone

For the extremely hazardous job

Of painting the antennas on
Top of that superstructure.

That will be your job, sailor.

- hi, chief.
- max, I just finished painting that!

You did a nice job,
Except for the footprints.

Listen, I thought I told that
Tall guy to paint the decks

And for you to paint the antennas
On top of the superstructure.

Yes, max. I switched jobs with
Him. I suffer from acrophobia.

Oh. Fear of acrobats?

- no, fear of high places.
- oh.

- what's that?
- a newspaper.

Max, look at that.
Read what it says.

"City councilman
Arrested in motel raid."

- no, max, this one.
- oh.

"Jose vargas, famous
Spanish secret service agent,

Signs autograph for
Unidentified woman fan

Upon his arrival in washington."

Now look at the picture.

Why, chief, that's
A picture of 99!

Yes, max, but that's not vargas.

Well, of course it is.
It says so right here.

But, max, vargas is left-handed.

That man is signing his
Autograph with his right hand.

Don't you see, max? Kaos
Knows that you and I are

The only two who know
Who vargas really is.

They must have forged those
Orders to put us on this carrier

And get us out of control.

- you're right, chief.
- obviously, they've kidnapped vargas

And put their own
Man in his place.

If kaos gets their hands on that
Obermeyer file, obermeyer goes free.

Chief, we've got
To get off this ship.

- request permission to go ashore, sir.
- uh-huh.

Ensigns are not required to
Ask permission to go ashore.

Where do you think you're going?

I'm going ashore.

- that's what you think.
- but you just said...

The captain's orders are
For you to remain aboard.

Well, in that case I
Want to see the captain.

He's on the bridge and
He's not to be disturbed.

It's imperative that
We see him immediately.

- I'm sorry.
- I'm afraid "I'm sorry" isn't good enough.

I insist upon
Seeing the captain.

That's out of the question.

But you don't understand.
We have to see the captain.

You can't see the captain.

Very well, lieutenant,
Have it your own way.

Okay, let's go!

- where are we going?
- you're going to see the captain.

Now why did you throw the
Lieutenant's hat overboard?

- because we wanted to see you, sir.
- you didn't have to do that.

there's lots of other
Ways you could have done it.

You could have short-sheeted
The executive officers' bed

Or you could have put a
Blinker bulb in my night-light.

Sir, I know what we've
Done is a little out of line,

But believe me there
Was a good reason for it.

- and what is that?
- sir, we need a helicopter.

- a helicopter?
- yes, sir, a helicopter.

Well, I'm sorry, all my
Helicopters are being serviced now.

Oh, well, in that case,
Sir, we'll take a cab.

Would I be meddling
If I asked you men

What you need a helicopter for?

Yes, well, we can't
Tell you that now, sir.

- maybe we can tell you on monday.
- monday?

Well, I must say you've
Piqued my curiosity.

Did you have a
Destination in mind?

Sir, we must get into town. It's a
Matter of the utmost importance.

You two have heavy
Dates or something?

Sir, I'm breaking regulations,
But under the circumstances

I have no alternative but
To tell you what we are.

What are you really?

We're spies.

The c.I.A., I suppose.

Uh, no, sir. We belong
To a secret organization

That nobody has ever heard of.

- and what's that?
- control.

- I never heard of it.
- see?

Sir, if you could
Get us into town

I think I can promise you
A presidential citation.

With clusters.

Gentlemen, I think we've
Discussed this long enough.

I don't know what your game is,

But I would like to
See some identification.

Uh, but we don't have
Any identification, sir.

You realize of course if
You don't have identification

You could be in serious trouble.

Sir, if we don't get a helicopter
We're in serious trouble.

Well, you're not
Getting a helicopter.

All right, sir, if that's
The way you want it.

Well, it worked
The last time, chief.

Max, throwing the lieutenant's hat
Overboard got us to see the captain.

But throwing the captain's hat overboard
Was not going to get us a helicopter.

Well, we know that now,
But we didn't know that then.

We've got to get out of here
And there is not much time.

The agent who is impersonating
Vargas will be picking up

The obermeyer file in two hours.

I've got to come
Up with something.

Well, if you come up with
Anything, clear it through me.

Remember, I'm the
Ranking officer here.

Wait a minute. I
Think I have an idea.

Good. What is it?

If I...

And then you... Yeah?

No, that wouldn't work.

Why not? It sounded
Pretty good to me, chief.

Wait a minute, chief.

- what?
- I got it.

This spoon. We'll
Tunnel our way out.

With a spoon, max? These
Decks are made of steel.

Well, I didn't say it
Was gonna be easy.

- what are you doing?
- this a diversionary tactic, chief.

I'm gonna set fire
To these papers

And then during the smoke and
Confusion, we'll make our escape.

You yell "Fire."

Fire!

- good, chief. Keep it up.
- fire! Fire!

All right now, chief, when I give the
Signal, you groan like you're in pain.

Not yet, chief.

I haven't given the signal.

I know, but you're
Standing on my hand!

Oh. Sorry about that, chief.

All right, now get ready.

When the guard comes
Through the door, I'll charge him.

- are you sure you can take him alone?
- are you kidding?

Have you seen that little guy
That's been guarding us all day?

I'll break him in half.

Okay, start moaning.

Help! Help! There's
A sick man in here!

He's dying!

If this doesn't
Work, we're sunk.

Don't worry,
Chief, it can't miss.

The keys are right on
The rack against the wall,

And all I have to do is
Cast this over there...

And then just reel it back in.

Perfect.

Well, almost perfect.

I think we may be using the
Wrong kind of bait, chief.

Max, how are we going to
Explain all this stuff being in here?

You got everything off
The rack but the keys.

Don't worry, chief.
It will work this time.

There we go.

Missed again.

You're right, chief,
This isn't going to work.

Well, you can't leave the line
Out there. Somebody will see it.

Shh.

Quick. In here.

What are we gonna
Do in here, chief?

We're gonna look
For a life raft.

A life raft? What are we
Gonna do with a life raft?

- we're not at sea.
- max, the gangway is guarded.

We'll take the life raft and throw
It over the other side of the ship

- and row ashore.
- that's a good idea, chief.

Man over pa: now hear this:

be on the alert for two
Prisoners. They have escaped.

now hear this: be on
The alert for two prisoners.

Chief, look, "L-16 life rafts."

That's it. Get it out.

Put it on the floor.

Wait a minute, chief. This
Will take us all day to blow up.

Max, you don't blow it up with your
Mouth. It inflates automatically.

- there's a lever on it somewhere.
- oh, here it is!

Don't pull that!

now hear this: block
All entrances and exits.

Move this darned thing!

Come on, chief, we'd
Better get out of here.

I know, but...

- come on, chief.
- I'm coming, max.

Do you think you can pull me?

Thanks, max.

Man: there they are!

there they go! Stop them!

Man #2: that's them!

- I don't see them, sir.
- well, they've gotta be here somewhere.

There they are!

Hold it, you two!

We've been looking for
You two for over an hour.

Captain, I implore you,

Give us two hours ashore before
You throw us back in the brig.

You're not going
Back into the brig,

You're going in that helicopter.

I checked out your orders,

And just as I suspected,
They're forgeries.

now I have no idea
What this is about,

But I have orders to place
That helicopter at your disposal.

Thank you, captain.

Let's go, max.

- max: chief, where are the wings?
- chief: there are no wings.

- max: forget it!
- chief: get in, max!

Here's the obermeyer
File, senor vargas.

Now if you'll just
Sign this release

You can be on your
Way back to spain.

Hold it right there!

Max, what did you do that for?

Because that man is an impostor.

You see, 99, the real
Vargas is left-handed,

And when I came in
That door this guy was

Signing those papers
With his left hand.

Left hand.

max, this is the real vargas.

I spotted the impostor at the airport
Immediately and we arrested him.

Sorry about that, vargas,
And welcome to washington.

- good work.
- thank you, chief.

Not you! 99, for being
Perceptive enough

To spot the impostor so quickly.

Yes, well, I guess it
Runs in the family, chief.

Well, 99, I don't see any reason

Why we can't go on our
Honeymoon cruise now.

Oh, I'm afraid we can't, max.

While you were away I
Was assigned to jury duty.

Oh.

Well, chief, you've
Got two weeks off.

How would you like
To go on a honeymoon?