All language subtitles for Get.Smart.1965.S04E09.REMASTERED.DVDRip.XviD-FQM

Dr. Madre?

No.

Then why did you give
Me all those signals?

I was going to ask
You the same thing.

- maxwell smart?
- yes.

I'm dr. Madre.

sit down.

I had to be careful of kaos.

I understand, doctor.

I've been working on an
Experiment alone, isolated

for I don't know how long.

I've lost track of time.

Three... It might
Even be four years.

I think that man at
The bar is after me.

That's a woman.

Then it's been four years.

Listen, dr. Madre,

Haven't you been working for
Kaos for the past five years?

- kaos and ohrbach's.
- ohrbach's?

Well, during the christmas rush
I like to pick a little extra money.

I wrap well.

I took the liberty
Of ordering for you.

Would you like to
See a dinner menu?

That won't be necessary.

Just bring me a little
Plate of spaghetti.

One spaghetti dinner.

Now, dr. Madre,
When you called me

You told me you had something
Very important to give me.

- something invaluable.
- yes.

The map showing the exact
Location of the melnick uranium mines.

The melnick uranium mines?

But kaos has been after that
Map for the past five years.

I intercepted it
Before it got to kaos.

- you have it?
- you have it.

- I have it?
- you just drank it.

Of course, I just drank the map.

I just drank the map?

that's the experiment
I've been working on.

I've developed a process

Which turns paper
Into a liquid solution.

I slipped that solution
Into your drink.

Stand up, mr. Smart.

If you don't mind,
Doctor, I'd just as soon sit.

If you want that map
To appear, stand up.

In 48 hours a rash will
Break out on your chest.

That rash will be
In the form of a map.

The map of the
Melnick uranium mines.

Why, that's fantastic.

- tell me...
- don't sit! Don't sit!

The body must remain
Vertical for the next 48 hours,

Or the change in circulation will
Prevent the map from appearing.

Eat your food so we
Don't look conspicuous.

You will encounter
Certain symptoms.

First, you will itch.

Uh, then the itch will
Turn into a twitch.

But whether you itch or twitch,

Never never scratch.

- why not?
- it doesn't look nice.

- "It doesn't look nice"?
- besides, it'll erase the map.

Wait a minute, doctor,
This is impossible.

I'm getting married tomorrow

And I'm going on my
Honeymoon tomorrow night.

Well, you'll just have
To postpone the wedding.

Yes, well, okay, I can
Postpone the wedding,

But what about my honeymoon?

Have your honeymoon in a
Place where you have to stand up.

- a museum.
- a museum?

Now what kind of a girl would
Want to go on a honeymoon

In a museum?

Doesn't she like art?

Yes, but not that much.

Dr. Madre?

Dr. Madre?

Hello, max. How do you feel on
The night before your wedding?

- a little nervous?
- hi, chief. How are you, admiral?

Chief, I have to talk to you right
Away about a very important case.

I'm fine, thank you.

I'm very flattered
You've chosen me

To be best man at
Your wedding, maxwell.

Here's a little check
For your wedding gift.

- oh, thank you.
- oh!

Oh, as long as I'm up, I
Might as well be on my way.

- come on, get up.
- there you are.

Well, got to run.

Thank you.

Well, max, what's on your mind?

Well, chief, I didn't want to
Say this in front of the admiral,

But I'm going to have to
Postpone my wedding for 48 hours.

What? Why?

Because by that time my
Rash will have cleared up.

Oh, I see. Nerves.

Well, let's talk
About it, max. Sit down.

I can't sit down,
Chief. It'll ruin my rash.

Now, max, it's perfectly normal
For a man to get cold feet

And have second thoughts
On the eve of his marriage.

99 is a great girl.

Believe me, you're
Not making a mistake.

Look, chief, all I want to do is
Postpone my wedding for 48 hours,

And I'm asking you to tell 99
I'm on a very important mission.

Max, I can't lie to 99.

But I'm not asking
You to lie to 99!

I really am on an
Important mission!

Well, that's impossible, max.

I didn't send you on a mission!

No, but dr. Madre did!

Dr. Madre? The kaos scientist?

Max, you're not
Making any sense.

All right, chief, you
Want me to make sense?

How's this for sense?

The exact location of
The melnick uranium mines.

- how did you get it?
- you just drank it.

- I drank it.
- you drank it?

Yes, I drank the drug, chief,
But I thought it was wine.

look, I know you're confused.

Let me try and
Explain it to you.

You see, in a little while
I'm going to start to itch,

And then I'm gonna
Start to twitch.

And in 48 hours I'm
Gonna break out in a map.

- now do you understand?
- perfectly.

And now I'm going to tell you
Something that I hope you'll understand.

You're crazy!

crazy with fear
About getting married.

Let me tell you something...

If you don't wanna go through with
Your marriage then have the decency

To go to 99 and
Tell it to her face.

Max, if you don't want
To marry me just say so,

But don't expect me to believe
A ridiculous story like that.

But, 99, I do want to marry you!

What can I say to
Make you believe me?

- who is it?
- woman: it's me.

Oh. Max, that's my mother!

- I know it.
- max!

Is she moving in
With us already?

We're not even married yet.

Come on, max, she's just coming to
Help me redecorate the apartment.

- hi.
- hi, mom!

I'm sorry I was so long.

I had to go through
Every bit of my luggage,

But I knew I'd
Brought it with me.

- oh!
- oh.

I'm sure we'll find
Someplace for it.

Yes. How about niagara falls?

Yeah. Mother, would you
Like to make us some coffee?

- the kitchen's right back there?
- certainly, darling.

Oh.

Oh, dear.

99, it's very dangerous

Having your mother
Here in my apartment.

She's liable to
Activate by accident

One of my protective devices.

- max, that isn't...
- how am I going to explain it to her, 99?

Max...

After all, she thinks I'm in
The greeting card business.

Max, you don't have
To worry about it.

I rewired the devices myself.

- max, what is it?
- it's a twitch. A twitch!

That map is coming out. I told
You but you wouldn't believe me!

Oh, max, you're just nervous
About getting married tomorrow.

Come on, I'll make you a drink.

You can sit down and relax.

99, I'm not allowed to sit down.

You don't have to worry about
Sitting down on the barstool.

That won't activate the net.

Now, it's only
Activated when you...

Lean on the bar.

Coffee will be ready in a min...

Well, don't you look nice.

Gonna do a little fishing
On your honeymoon?

99, I'm not taking another
Step until I find out something.

Did you fool around
With the invisible wall?

Oh, no. That wasn't
Necessary. It doesn't work.

What do you mean? It
Worked this morning.

I'll show you.

- I don't understand that.
- I'm asking you. I'm begging you.

I'm pleading you.

For the last time, please let me
Postpone the wedding for 48 hours!

No, it is absolutely
Out of the question.

All the preparations
Have been made,

And if we postpone it now
What are people gonna to think?

I don't care what
People are going to think!

No, if you don't go through with it
Tomorrow just forget the whole thing.

All right, 99, we'll go
Through with it tomorrow.

Ah. Oh, max, my mother.

I'll bet she's heard
The whole thing.

- what's she gonna think?
- she probably didn't hear anything.

You don't know my mother. She
Has a way of listening at doors.

She wouldn't do that.

Your coffee's ready, bum.

Mother, I'm sorry we
Don't have time to drink it.

We weren't watching
The time. We've gotta go.

I'll get your coat.

How did you do that?

Do what?

Max: coming!

Dr. Madre!

I know you're surprised
To see me, smart.

Man: get in there!

They know about the map, smart.

What could I do?

They threatened
Me. They tortured me.

They even shoved me around.

What did you tell them?

I told them you don't
Shove around a doctor.

We know all we need to know.

Jacoby, you fool,
You tie his hands.

He cannot scratch the rash.

All right, gentlemen, there's
Just two questions I'd like to ask.

First, if you're so clever how
Come you walked into this trap?

What trap? We are
Holding the guns.

That was my second question.

You are going to remain
Standing for 48 hours

Until we get that
Map from your chest.

And to make sure
You don't lie down...

Now, wait a minute. I can't
Hang here for 48 hours.

I'm getting married
At 11:00 in the morning.

I'm afraid you're going to
Have to miss your wedding.

But you won't miss your funeral,

Because once we get that map
We're going to dispose of you.

And just how do you
Propose to do that?

Simple. You're going
To write a suicide note,

And then you're going to jump off
The top of the washington monument.

It'll never work.

But it's certainly worth a try.

What time is it now, doctor?

It's, uh, 10:30.

10:30! The wedding
Is in a half hour!

99 is gonna think
I deserted her.

He's not gonna show up.
He doesn't want to marry me.

Don't say that. He'll be here.

He must have stopped off
For something on the way.

Of course, darling, he probably
Stopped off at a bar for a drink.

At 10:30 in the morning?

Bums drink at any hour.

Chief: I just remembered.

Admiral hargrade was supposed to
Stop by max's apartment to pick him up.

We've got to get out of here.

Another twitch?

Another twitch, kohlman, and they're
Starting to come 15 minutes apart.

He's not having a baby,
He's having a map, you fool.

Come, let's see what's
Going on with the chest here.

Look look look, the
Map is starting to appear.

Here's a river
And here's a lake!

And here's a forest.

That's not a forest.
That's hair on my chest.

No, I think it's a forest.

And I'm telling you
It's hair on my chest.

You're right.

But this is a mountain.

That's a mole.

Well, it looks like
A mountain to me.

I said it's a mole.

Stop trying to make a
Mountain out of a mole!

Who's that?

It's probably my best man.

He's coming to pick
Me up for the wedding.

Admiral: it's me,
Maxwell, admiral, uh...

- oh, darn.
- you better let him in.

I know it as well
As my own name.

- admiral...
- stand right there and don't move.

Oh, all right.

What will I do with him?

Watch him very closely.

- do you have a match here?
- uh, matches.

Uh, let's see. Oh!

Here you go. Lighter.

Mmm. Thank you very much, smart.

My pleasure.

All right, jacoby,
Drop it! Drop it!

Both of you, move
Out of the way.

All right, into the closet.

Just as I thought.

There's room for both of you.

Uh, would you mind
Handing me my wedding suit?

It's the blue one with
The blue shirt on top.

Thank you very much.

Madre: what's that?

My car's being fixed
So they gave me a loaner.

Wait a minute. I'm not
Allowed to sit down.

- I'm afraid you'll have to drive, doctor.
- I don't drive.

- well, how about you, admiral?
- of course!

Just hand me the reins!

Doctor, we're gonna have
To turn to get out of here.

Do you know how to turn?

Well, of course I
Know how to turn.

I've been doing it for years.

Not you, the car!

I even turn the other way.

Will you get out of here?

Put it in first!

Shift, shift!

Max: use the clutch!

He's not coming.
He's not coming.

He's not coming.

Let's give him a few
More minutes, 99.

I'm sure there must be some
Explanation for all of this.

Max: watch it! Slow down!

Faster, faster!

Stop weaving, doctor!

The guests are starting
To ask questions.

- have they all arrived?
- everyone except the bum.

Chief, you better go downstairs
And tell them the wedding is off.

Let's give the bum a
Few minutes... I mean max.

Max: keep your eyes on the road!

Can't you drive any faster?

Madre: I'm going
As fast as I can.

He's not coming.

It's getting late.
We ought to start.

We can't, your honor. The
Groom hasn't arrived yet.

Max: not so sharp!

He's not coming.

I hope he gets here soon.

I'm due in divorce
Court in an hour.

That's ironic. You
Perform a wedding,

And an hour later you're
Presiding over a divorce.

Who's presiding?
I'm getting one.

Smart!

- what?
- madre: how tall are you?

- 5'11"!
- 5'11"... That's about 100 yards...

And the speed is 60... Smart?

- max: huh?
- madre: you had better duck!

What?

Madre: never mind!

How can he do a thing like this to
A wonderful girl like my daughter?

I guess he let the fear of getting
Married exaggerate to the point

Where he just couldn't
Go through with it.

- you really think that?
- I know the feeling.

I had it once myself.
That's why I never married.

Well, I still say that...

Oh, you're not married?

How nice.

There's no use delaying it.

I'd better inform the
Guests the wedding is off.

Oh, look!

Oh, thank heavens, he made it!

Come on, admiral, we're going
To be late for the wedding!

You can start now!

Max, where have you
Been? What happened?

I don't have time to
Explain now, chief!

Oh, hurry!

The map is breaking out!

We must get the
Ceremony under way!

The map? You mean what
He told me was true?

Well, of course.
That's why we are late.

We were detained by kaos.

Sit over there, mother.

Uh, admiral, you
Better come over here.

Hold it!

Well, are we ready to start now?

I was just asking.

Hold my coat, admiral.

All right.

Madre: no, no, smart!
The map! The map!

You mustn't lie down!

Madre: do tell him, chief!
He won't listen to me.

Don't, herbert. It's between
His family and her family.

- but, honey...
- shut up.

- I wanna help.
- if you wanna help, shut up.

If this is the ceremony I ain't
Staying for the reception.

We are gathered here to join this
Man and this woman in matrimony.

Into this estate these two
Persons come now to be joined.

Do you take this man

As your lawful wedded husband,

to love, cherish and honor

- so long as you both shall live?
- I do.

And do you, maxwell, take this
Woman as your lawful wedded wife,

to love, honor and cherish
So long as you both shall live?

I do. Uh, I do!

Do you have the ring?

Huh? Oh, the ring.

Put it in your
Right hand, please,

and place it on
The bride's finger.

Max? - hmm?

Under and by virtue of
The judge of district court

of the district of columbia

I pronounce you man and wife.

Oh, max, I hope you forgive me

For not believing you
About the rash and the map.

Forget it, 99.

I guess it did sound pretty
Ridiculous at the time.

It's getting pretty late.

Huh? Oh, yes! It...

You know, 99, you have
The prettiest shoulders.

Oh. You've seen
Them before, max.

Yes, but never
Without a holster.

Well, we really should
Be going to bed, max.

I'm sorry to have to do this to
You on your wedding night, max.

But until that map on
Your chest appears,

I've got to keep you
Under heavy guard.

- I'm sorry.
- you're sorry?

Well, let's get some sleep.

Larabee! Henderson!

Put him up.

- good night, max.
- good night, larabee.

Good night, henderson.

Good night, chief.

Max, good night.

Good night.