All language subtitles for Get.Smart.1965.S04E08.REMASTERED.DVDRip.XviD-FQM

Who wrote "Little women"?

Lonely little men.

- good morning, chief.
- morning, max.

I'll certainly be glad when
The security alert is over.

I've spent half my time learning
New passwords and countersigns.

Do we really have
To be that careful

Just because the chameleon
Is back in circulation?

Max, the chameleon is the
Most insidious agent kaos has.

Remember he can make himself look
And sound like anybody in the world.

Yeah, he's really terrific.
He can even do frank gorshin.

But surely, he can't penetrate
The security of control.

He's done it once before. He
Disguised himself as one of our men

And crashed the christmas party.

The worst part is he made
A total fool of himself.

- what's so bad about that?
- he was disguised as me.

Chief, did you want to
Talk to me about something?

No, I didn't want to talk
To you about something.

I was under the impression
You wanted to talk to me.

No, I didn't want to
Talk to you, chief.

Oh well, I didn't want
To talk to you either.

- chief, have you got a minute?
- yes, why?

There's something I
Want to talk to you about.

You see, chief, well...

I'm getting married
In a few days

And I was gonna have hymie
The robot as my best man

And you sent him out of the
Country on an assignment.

I'm sorry, max, but this
Was a very special mission.

It called for someone who
Was passive, emotionless.

Someone who wouldn't show any
Signs of feeling. It had to be the robot.

Couldn't you get ed sullivan?

Max, you'll be
Needing a best man.

I'd like to recommend someone
Whom everyone in control

Holds in great
Reverence and respect.

Thank you, chief, but I
Can't be my own best man.

Not you, max.

I'm referring to admiral hargrade,
The former head of control.

The old man himself, eh?

I'm very honored, chief,

But, well gosh, he's 95 years
Old. Do you think he can do the job?

I said he'd be the best
Man, not the groom.

Max, I strongly recommend it.

- how strongly?
- it's an order.

In that case, I accept
The recommendation.

Max, this is all very hush-hush.

The admiral is
Arriving in washington

For some top-level
Secret conferences

Involving the
Security of our nation,

As well as to pitch in the old-timer's
Baseball game against the cia.

but we have one problem:

The admiral must be given
Full protection at all times.

Right, we don't want the
Cia to win that ballgame.

As you know, the admiral has very little
Concern for his own personal safety.

As your best man,
We could provide him

with full security without
His even being aware of it.

Now he'll stay at your apartment

And you're to keep your
Eye on him at all times.

Max, I don't have to
Tell you how much kaos

Would like to get the
Admiral in their clutches.

The admiral's arriving now.

Admiral, for a man
Your age, you're in

Remarkable shape. I
Don't know how you do it.

Prunes.

Thank you, thaddeus.

Hey, isn't this room a little
Smaller than it used to be?

Max, aren't you going to
Say something to the admiral?

Who wrote "Little women"?

Louisa may alcott.

- wrong.
- max.

I danced the virginia
Reel with louisa

At a cotillion back in '86.

She always wore
Essence of lavender...

Used to perspire a lot.

Could you give me a
Little shove, please?

Thank you.

Chief...

Hold it, larabee. Who
Wrote "Little women"?

The book or the picture?

It was a book?

- this just arrived for the admiral.
- thanks, larabee.

"Welcome back. Stop.

Will do everything within
My power to get you.

Stop... Me if you can.

Cordially, the chameleon."

The nerve of that man
To send a wire like that.

I'll say he's got nerve.
He sent it collect.

Gentlemen, these
Are dangerous times.

We must be ever alert,

Vigilant and ready
At a moment's notice

To take...

Okay, admiral, let's whip you
A little fastball right in here.

Oh, dear.

Are you all right, admiral?

Oh, don't worry about me.

Just get the door.

Who's there?

It's me, max.

Who wrote "Little women"?

I don't know. Why, are you
Doing a crossword puzzle?

If you really are who
You're supposed to be,

You'd know the password.

Max, this is my day off.

I haven't even been down
To control headquarters.

A likely story.

All right, chameleon, step inside,
And don't make any false moves.

Max, I'm not the
Chameleon, I'm 99.

We'll soon see.

What are you gonna do?

I'm going to dial 99's
Home phone number.

If she answers,

Then I'll know that
You're an impostor.

But, max...

Answering machine:
hello, this is 99.

Thank you, 99.

That's all I wanted to know.

All right, chameleon,
Are you ready to confess?

Max, that's my voice on my
Automatic answering device.

You don't really expect
Me to buy that one, do you?

If you're so convinced
I'm the chameleon,

Pull the trigger.

You're a clever
Devil, chameleon,

Disguising yourself as the one person
In the world you know I couldn't harm.

Oh, max, it's really me.

Well, I certainly
Hope it's you, 99.

Because if it's not,

I just fell in love
With the chameleon.

It is me, max.

All right, I'll
Buy that for now.

But I'll find out for
Sure on saturday night.

- what do you mean?
- we're getting married saturday morning.

And I warn you, if I find
Out on our wedding night

That you're really
The chameleon,

You're paying for half the room.

max, is that admiral hargrade?

Yes, come on, 99. Give me a
Hand. Get him on the couch.

What's he doing here?

Right now, he's taking a nap.

You see, 99, hymie is away
On a very important mission.

So the admiral is
Gonna be my best man.

He's staying here with
Me until the wedding.

That's why all the fuss
About the password.

The chameleon knows that
He's here and he's after him.

It's my job to protect him. That's why
No one is coming through that door

Unless they know the password.

- what about mr. Bob?
- mr. Bob who?

Just mr. Bob. The
Interior decorator.

He's coming to look
At the apartment.

- I'm sorry he can't come in.
- but, max!

You said when we decided we'd
Live here after we got married

That I could redecorate
This place my way.

If you want to redecorate it your
Way, what do you need with mr. Bob?

That's what a interior
Decorator is for...

To help you redecorate
Your way his way.

- I'm sorry, he can't come in.
- max!

I'm sorry, 99. Make him come
Back in a couple of weeks.

No, that won't work. If he
Doesn't get started right away

It won't be finished by the time
We get back from our honeymoon.

Shh, you're waking the admiral.

Please, max.

Well, all right, he can come in.

But he's gonna get a
Very close examination.

That must be him now.

I'll see.

- is it him?
- I can't tell.

- is it a man or a woman?
- that's what I can't tell.

That's him.

99, wake up the admiral.

- we've gotta get him out of sight.
- right, max.

Come on, admiral.

Florence nightingale?

No, admiral. I'm 99.

You sure don't look it, dear.

All right, admiral.
Let's go now.

You'll have to finish
Your nap someplace else.

We're expecting some company.

Coming.

Right up the stairs, old timer.

Just a minute.

Hi, I'm mr. Bob.

I'm mr. Max. Ehh...

I'm afraid, mr. Bob, before I
Can allow you to come in here,

I'll have to see some
Form of identification.

- I may even have to search you.
- oh...

On second thought, I think
Identification will be quite enough.

Well, mr. Max, I can understand
Why you want to be sure I'm me.

There are so many impostors.
When you're paying mr. Bob,

You have a right to know
You're getting mr. Bob.

Which license would
You like to see?

- driving or flying?
- either one.

Here we are.

Are you kidding me? This picture
Doesn't look anything like you.

- that's my thumbprint.
- oh.

All right, you can come in.

Thank you.

Miss 99.

What do you think?

Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

Except, of course...

This wonderful old admiral lamp.

Does it turn on?

Let's see, 15 yards
Of the blue toile,

And six yards of
The purple burlap.

It's gonna be the
Challenge of my career,

But I think I can do it.

You ever thought about moving?

I'm not so sure I like the idea
Of a trampoline instead of a bed.

Oh, I have one, miss
99. I just love it.

Of course it is difficult
To find sheets for it.

Well, ciao.

- 86, the chief...
- hold it, hold it, larabee.

Who wrote "Little women"?

The play or the tv special?

- it was a play?
- no time for passwords, max.

The chief wants to see
You and 99 immediately.

- what's up, larabee?
- I don't know.

Something about the chameleon.
I'll stay here and guard the admiral.

Now just a moment, larabee.

If the chief wanted to talk to
Us, why did he send you over here?

Why didn't he call
Us on the phone?

Your line might've been tapped.

That makes sense.

All right larabee, you can
Stay here and guard the admiral.

But don't let anybody in that
Door for any reason whatsoever.

Most important of all,

Don't take your eyes off
The old man for a minute.

- max?
- what is it?

- where is the admiral?
- 99.

Wake up, admiral.

I think I need a haircut.

What'd you wanna
See us about, chief?

What're you two doing here? You're
Supposed to be guarding the admiral!

Larabee came to my apartment and said
You wanted to see us right away, chief.

Didn't you, larabee?

Larabee, what are
You doing here?

I left you at the apartment
To guard the admiral.

- no, you didn't, max.
- I didn't?

No!

Then who did we leave at the
Apartment to guard the admiral?

- the chameleon!
- of course, the chameleon.

the chameleon?

Don't be ridiculous, 99.

I wouldn't leave the
Admiral with the chameleon!

Max, don't you understand?
Larabee was the chameleon! Come on.

Larabee, you ought to
Be ashamed of yourself.

Hurry up, max. We don't
Know what's going on in there.

Wouldn't you know it? I
Left my key inside on the desk.

We've got to get in there.
Larabee, break the door down.

Hold it, larabee. Don't be ridiculous,
Chief. This door is impregnable.

It's built to stand the onslaught
Of a dozen burly toughs,

Hand grenades, an antitank gun,

And possibly my landlady.

How are we gonna get in there?

Well, there is one way. I always
Keep an extra key under the mat.

Admiral!

Is he, or isn't he?

- is he or isn't he what?
- alive.

- he's still breathing.
- do something, max.

I'll do anything but
Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Help me up, please.

What happened, admiral?

Well, let me see now.

I was standing here,

Not doing anything in
Particular you understand,

Just standing.

And suddenly this fellow

Came bursting through that door

And began to attack me.

And then he chased
Me around the... Room.

Here's your man!

That's not your attacker,
Admiral, this is agent larabee.

Oh, well then, who attacked me?

That was the chameleon very
Cleverly disguised to look like larabee.

You see, admiral, what
You thought was larabee

Was not really larabee at all,

But really larabee as
Impersonated by the chameleon.

It takes a very trained eye
To discover the real larabee

From the fake larabee.

All right, fella, who
Wrote "Little women"?

That's enough, max. Admiral,
What happened to the chameleon?

Well, he forced me
Back across the room

To a point near the
Window, right here.

And then he lunged at me.

Thank you.

Well, much as I detest violence,

I had no choice

But to dispatch him
With a karate chop.

Like so.

The last I saw of him
He was going over me

And out the window.

There's no sign
Of him out there.

That awning must've
Broken his fall.

Come on, max.

Sir, if you're feeling up to it,

The first of our secret meetings
Will be held at my office at 15:00.

Well, of course I'll
Be there, thaddeus.

Max and 99, I want you to stay
Here and protect the admiral.

Don't let anybody in here even if
You're absolutely sure that you know him.

Because if I know the
Chameleon, he'll be back.

If you know the chameleon, chief,
Why don't you tell us what he looks like?

Max, I don't know
What he looks like.

He could look like anybody.
He could even look like you.

All right, handsome,

Who wrote "Little women"?

Hurry up, admiral,

Or we'll be late getting
Down to headquarters.

I'll be right down.

Hold it, 99.

That could be the chameleon.

Max, you're right.

Who is it?

- it's me, mr. Bob.
- that's not the chameleon, max.

Wait a minute, 99, how do we
Know it's not the chameleon?

We don't know the
Chameleon's first name

And we don't know
Mr. Bob's last name.

It could very well
Be mr. Bob chameleon.

You get over
There. I'll cover him.

Oh, hi, miss 99.

Did I happen to leave my
Book of suede swatches here?

All right, don't move
And you won't get hurt.

Okay, 99, rip his face off.

Max, this isn't the
Chameleon, this is mr. Bob.

All right, 99, if you won't
Do it, I guess I'll have to.

Max!

All right, fella,

I think we'll start by
Pulling off your false nose.

I warn you, mr. Smart, you
Touch me and you'll regret it.

Well, 99, do you still
Think that's mr. Bob?

I'm not quite sure, max.

Maybe this will convince you.

Wait a minute! 99...

You call that a minute?

- you had enough, pally?
- what happened to your voice?

Nuthin'.

This is my real voice. My other
Voice is my professional voice.

Your professional voice?

Sure, I come in here
Talking like this,

You gonna let me
Decorate your apartment?

No, but I might
Ask you to move it.

Could I have my suede
Swatches, miss 99?

Got a lot of work waiting for me

Back at my boutique.

Thanks, miss 99.

Well, ciao.

Well, that's it, 99. The chameleon
Has got me completely baffled.

I don't know whether
I'm coming or going.

I'm beginning to
Suspect everybody.

I know that, max, but
What can we do about it?

For one thing, I
Can call the chief

And recommend that he cancel
Those secret conferences

Until we capture the chameleon.

put down that phone, mr. Smart.

Max, that's not
The admiral's voice.

He must be the chameleon.

Very perceptive, young lady.

How long have you been
Disguised as the admiral?

After I came in as larabee,

I drugged the admiral's prunes.

Then I ransacked the place

To make it look like
There had been a fight,

And I was lying here
When you came back.

And now you're going to take the
Admiral's place at the conference.

Of course, the old
Drug-his-prunes-

Fake-the-fight-
Ransack-the-apartment-

And-switch-place-
With-the-admiral trick.

what did you do
With the admiral?

He is now in the custody
Of one of our agents

Heading toward a
Downtown section of this city,

Where, in his drugged condition,

He will wander the streets
As a wino for the next 12 hours.

Long enough for me to
Attend that conference

and get the
Information kaos wants.

And just how do you propose
Stopping us from stopping you?

I'm going to lock the both of
You in that closet right now.

It'll never work.

But it's certainly worth a try.

If only I had listened to the
Man from the telephone company.

He wanted to put
An extension in here.

Max, you don't suppose the
Chameleon left the key in the door

When he locked us in here?

Now that is the most ridiculous
Thing I've ever heard in my life.

Why in the world
Would the chameleon

Wanna leave a key in the door?

- you could look, max.
- all right, 99.

I can't see anything. There's
Something blocking the keyhole.

The key!

I know that, 99.

I knew I should've listened to
The man from the lock company.

- he told me to buy a skinnier key.
- it's no use, max.

The meeting's gonna
Begin in about 10 minutes

And without the key, we'll
Never get out of here in time.

Wait a minute, 99.
We're not licked yet.

I just thought of something.

- I always leave a spare key under the mat.
- you have a mat in your closet?

Yes, thank heavens I listened
To the man from the mat company.

Now, here's what
I want you to do:

When we get out of here, I want you
To go downtown and find the admiral.

I'm going over to the chief's
Office and expose the chameleon.

Now that we're all here,
We might as well start.

We'll begin with these
Latest intelligence reports

On the middle east.

Hold it, chief.

This man is an imposter.
He's wearing a disguise.

Fake hair, fake mustache...

Max, what're you doing?
That's the real admiral.

My men just picked
Him up on skid row.

- they did?
- yes!

He was wandering around trying to
Get a quarter for a gallon of muscatel.

I'll drink to that.

Not a trace of him, max.

That's all right, 99. They
Found the real admiral.

I don't understand it. Somehow,
Somewhere along the line,

The chameleon must've
Changed identities.

Which means, chief,

That someone here in
This room is the chameleon.

All right, I wanna see
Everybody's identification card.

Where's your identification, 99?

Right here, mr. Smart.

So you're the chameleon.

That's right. As I was entering the
Building disguised as the admiral,

I saw the real admiral
Being brought in

So I quickly
Switched identities.

And now, gentlemen, I think
I've overstayed my welcome,

So I'll bid you all farewell.

Till we meet again, mr. Smart.

Max, get out a code-four
Alert immediately.

Right, chief.

Hello, security? This
Is a code-four alert.

I want all airports,
Railroad stations

And bus terminals
Covered immediately.

Be on the lookout for a
Man with long brown hair,

Full sensuous lips
And lovely blue eyes.

And be careful, he's
Got a gun in his purse.

On the other hand,
He could be a tall girl

With a white mustache
And an admiral's uniform.

Or a little boy in a sailor
Suit with a rubber duck.

And try to take him alive.

He may be my fiancée.

Oh, yeah? Same to you, fella.