All language subtitles for Get.Smart.1965.S04E06.REMASTERED.DVDRip.XviD-FQM

- come on, 107.
- 86, what are you doing here?

Gee, that's a terrible welt you
Have on your forehead. Does it hurt?

Yeah. My wife gave it to me
Last night when I came home late.

Oh, max, this boxing
Is a terrible cover.

What is it, max? Is
There an emergency?

No, this is personal.
Do you have a minute?

I have about three seconds.

I'm sorry.

- one, two...
- listen, schlermer,

99 and I are gonna be married.

- congratulations.
- yes. We were wondering

If you would like to be
Our best man? How about it?

I'll be right back.

Have you had a
Chance to think it over?

Yeah. And I'm flattered
You picked me, max.

- I'll be happy to do it.
- oh, that's great.

You're a swell guy, schlermer.

The winner, the winner.

Radio host: and now for
A look at the sports page.

last night at davis arena,

in the main event, tiger
Schlermer lost a decision

to pete "The kid" melnick

and the department
Of sanitation.

after leaving the arena, he
Walked into an open manhole

and suffered a concussion.

for those who say boxing
Is a dangerous sport,

they should try
Walking in dark alleys.

his wife, when
Notified of the accident,

rushed to the hospital
And immediately...

- 86, what's up?
- well, as you know,

99 and I are getting married
Pretty soon and I thought

It might be nice if you
Were our best man.

What do you say,
Novak? Do you wanna do it?

I'd like to, max. I...

- oh, come on, give me a break, novak.
- all right.

- I'll be your best man.
- good.

Hey, a man has just been hit
Between the eyes with a baseball.

Uh, pardon me. Could I
Speak to you for a minute?

I'm sorry to bother you,
38, but I need your help.

I want you to be best
Man of my wedding.

Me, max?

Don't say no, harry. I need you.

I don't know if I'll be finished
With this cover assignment by then.

Besides, I thought that simpson or
Aldrich was gonna be your best man.

Yes, well, they
Couldn't make it.

Oh, then, I'm
Really third choice.

Oh, no. No no, not at all.
Actually, you're my first choice.

It's just hard to
Explain you to 99.

- oh, I don't know, max.
- oh, come on, harry.

You remember all the great
Times we've had together.

We're being watched. Pinch me.

- pinch you?
- otherwise, it'll look suspicious.

- why did you do that?
- you pinched me.

If I didn't react, it
Would've looked suspicious.

- will you do it?
- what time is the wedding, max?

I've got a show to do
Here saturday night.

- I'm featured.
- it's saturday afternoon.

Okay, max. I'm your man.

- oh, wait a minute, karvelas.
- yeah?

Tell me what you look like
So I'll recognize you saturday.

during the performance
At the follies theater today,

kitty karvelas was kidnapped
In full view of the audience

by a group of men.

it is believed that pretty
Kitty caught the eye

of abdul lububdul
Amir, arab potentate,

and is now en
Route to his harem.

Boy, is he in for a surprise.

Five of our top agents put out of
Commission in the last three days...

That's more than we've
Lost in three months!

There has to be
Some reason behind it!

The only thing we know for
Sure is that kaos is responsible.

Why don't we use the
X-22 computer, chief?

I've thought of that, 99,

But somebody fed a
Deck of cards into it.

Now all it'll do is play
Poker with the cia computer.

Can't you reprogram it?

No, we can't do
That, it's $32 behind.

- I've sent for hymie to help us.
- chief, hymie's a robot.

I know that, 99, but he's
Equipped with a calculator bank

To handle advanced computations.

- you sent for me, chief?
- yes, hymie.

We'd like you to give us a hand.

Uh, "Give us a hand" is a
Figure of speech, hymie.

- we'd like you to help us.
- these are the cards of the five agents

Who have been incapacitated
Within the space of three days.

I want you to tell us if
There's any connection.

You feed these into
Your calculator bank.

Ready?

Sorry, it does not compute.

Hello, this is the chief.

Oh, no, not novak.

All right, thank you.

- they got novak.
- oh, no.

- what's happening, 99?
- they got novak.

Yes, I know. I was with
Him. That reminds me...

- chief: what are you doing?
- I'm crossing novak's name off my list.

What list?

The list of the men I
Asked to be my best man.

Max, this list is
Identical with that list!

Chief, what are you doing
With the list of my best men?

Max, did you invite all these
Men to be your best man?

- that's it!
- that's what?

That's it! That's the common
Denominator we've been looking for.

You asked six men to be your best
Man and all have met with foul play.

Mm, that is quite a
Coincidence, isn't it?

It's more than a coincidence,
Max. It's a deadly plot!

If you ask somebody
To be your best man,

It's a guarantee something
Will happen to him.

How come you never asked me?

I always thought I
Was your best friend.

Yes, well, you are my best
Friend, hymie, but you're a robot.

I need a best man,
Not a best thing.

I'm sorry about that,
Hymie, but, well, you see,

It wouldn't be legal the
Other way. I need someone

Who can sign the marriage
Certificate and be a witness.

I can sign it, max. I
Can also make copies.

Max, I noticed you have the
Names of three agents on this list

That I don't have on mine.

Those are the three
Men I haven't asked yet.

He hasn't asked me yet, either.

Now why would kaos
Want to do with every man

You asked to be your best man?

Why don't you ask hymie, max?

That's a good idea, 99. Hymie...

- I accept, max.
- no, hymie,

I wasn't going to ask
You to be my best man.

I was gonna ask you why
Kaos is after every man

That I ask to be my best man.

Just a minute, max.

Kaos wants you to ask
Someone you haven't asked yet.

Then that must be one of
The three men on that list.

Holloway, prewitt or finch.

And you think one of
Them is a double agent?

As much as I hate to think that,
We have to consider the possibility.

But, chief, why would kaos want
One of their men to be max's best man?

I don't know. Max, what are
The duties of your best man?

I can tell you.
Responsibilities of the best man

Are to rent the tuxedos for the
Wedding, engage the limousine...

- and tie the cans in the back of the car.
- he's also responsible

For making the arrangements
For the groom's bachelor party.

Of course, chief...
The bachelor party!

That's it, the bachelor party.

Of course, the bachelor party.

Why didn't I think of that
Before? The bachelor...

What else could it be
But the bachelor party?

99, what about the
Bachelor party?

Don't you see, max? If a
Double agent is your best man,

Then he's gonna make sure that everyone
At the bachelor party is a control agent,

And if everyone at the bachelor
Party is a control agent,

they get the opportunity to wipe
Out the whole washington staff.

We've gotta find out who the double agent
Is so we can see who's behind all this.

Sure, that's easy
For you to say.

It's got to be one of
The three men on this list.

I'll have counterintelligence
Commence

A top-four security check on
Those three men immediately.

- but that'll take days!
- we've got no choice!

Wait a minute, 99.

I know how to find out
Who the double agent is.

How, max?

I'll just ask all
Three men on the list,

And the one that nothing happens
To, that will be the guilty party.

Max, two innocent men
Might get hurt that way.

Not if I ask the
Guilty one first.

- yeah?
- hello, holloway. Maxwell smart here.

- are you asleep?
- yeah.

Sorry about that, holloway.

Ordinarily, I'd come over
To your place to ask you this,

But I have my reasons for
Asking you on the phone.

What is it, max?

How would you like to
Be best man of my wedding?

I thought simpson was
Gonna be your best man.

Yes. Well, he was,
But he couldn't make it.

Oh, well, in that
Case, I'd be delighted.

- good night, max.
- you don't sound too delighted.

I find it hard to be delighted
At 4:00 in the morning.

yes. well, now that
you've accepted, holloway,

I think there are a few
Things that you should know.

Oh, just a second, max.

Somebody's at the door.

Humph, the nerve
Of some people...

Disturbing him at
4:00 in the morning.

Max's voice: "Dear prewitt,

ordinarily I'd come
Over to your place

and ask you this in person,

but I have my reasons
For handling this by letter.

how would you like to be
Best man of my wedding?"

I thought simpson was
Going to be his best man.

"Simpson was going to be my
Best man, but he can't make it now.

therefore, since you are
One of my closest friends,

it would please me
Greatly to have you accept.

please let me know your
Answer by return mail,

as this is most urgent."

Prewitt's voice: "Dear max,

I am flattered
By your invitation

And I'm pleased to accept.

Yours truly."

Max's voice: testing...
One, two, three, four.

"Dear finch, ordinarily
I'd come over to your place

and ask you this in person,

or I'd call you on the phone,
Or even send you a letter,

but I have my reasons
For doing things this way.

how would you like to be
Best man of my wedding?"

I thought simpson was
Going to be best man.

"No, simpson couldn't make
It. If you decide to accept,

please go to the window and
Wave your arm three times.

if you do not appear,
I will have to conclude

that you don't wish
To be my best man,

or that you don't
Have a tape recorder.

- you wanted to see me, chief?
- yes, I did.

You had absolutely no right to
Ask prewitt, holloway and finch

To be your best man without
First asking my permission.

Let's look at the
Bright side of it, chief.

What bright side?!

Now we know that none of
Those men were double agents.

- hi, max.
- hi, 99.

Here we go, chief. It's the top-four
Security report on holloway,

Prewitt and finch... None
Of them were double agents.

- we know that, 99.
- oh.

- that looks good.
- it is.

There's an ice-cream truck downstairs
That's giving away free samples.

- you want a bite?
- no, thank you.

How about you, chief?
Would you like a bite?

take that away from my face
And don't drip any on the rug!

Max: I already did,
Chief... Both flavors.

Oleg, how's it going?

Excellent. They're coming in loud
And clear. Now close the door.

Oleg,

When I close door,
Does the light go out?

There are no more names
On the best man's list

And we still don't know
Who the double agent is!

Well, maybe there are some
Names on my other list, chief.

- what other list?!
- my list of ushers. I'll go ask.

- forget it!
- that's what I say, chief, forget it.

I'm not gonna lose any more men.
Hymie is gonna be your best man,

- he's a robot, he can't be harmed.
- but, chief...

No buts about it! Hymie is
Going to be your best man!

But.

Stanislaus, success.

They finally chose who
We want to be best man.

Excellent. Now we can move
The truck to another street.

- what for?
- business stinks on this corner.

Here he comes.

Excuse, please.

- perhaps you could help us?
- I'd be very happy to help you.

You see, this man
Here wants a fudgicle.

However, the fudgicle's in
The far corner from freezer.

You have long arms.
Maybe you could reach it?

I will try.

I've got it!

And we've got you!

- quick, let's go.
- what about my fudgicle?

- morning, chief.
- morning, max.

- is hymie here yet?
- no.

Well, that's funny.
He was supposed

To drop by the hotel
This morning and go over

The final arrangements for the
Bachelor party and then meet me here.

You're not having your
Party at the hotel, max.

I can't allow that many top
Agents together in one hotel.

- it's too risky.
- but I told the manager

That we'd pay for
Anything that they break.

That's not what I'm talking
About, max. It's a security risk!

You're having your party
At the control banquet room.

Aw, gee, chief. That doesn't
Sound like any fun at all.

Why not? I'll match our facilities
Against any hotel in town.

And we have very
Competitive prices.

- how much is the hotel charging you?
- $2.50 a head.

- how many people are coming?
- 40.

I can get you in
Here for $3 a head.

That's 50¢ more than
The hotel is charging me!

But I'm providing the music...
The control rhythmaires!

But, chief, what do we
Want with an orchestra?

I mean, this is a stag party...
We're not gonna dance!

All right, I'll throw in
The cake, the one that...

Agent 38 comes out of the cake.

- I don't think I would like that, chief.
- why not?

It's just not the same when
A guy pops out of a cake.

Have you seen 38 in a bikini?

- here's your fudgecicle.
- thank you very much.

- where am I?
- whoo!

What am I doing here?

Now we get down to nitty-gritty.

We have proposition to make you.

What kind of a proposition?

Well, tomorrow night at
The bachelor party for smart,

We want you to blow up
all the control agents.

I cannot do that. I am no longer a
Kaos robot. I now work for control.

What got into you, robot?

When you worked for kaos,
You used to kill and "Hello dolly."

- "Hello dolly?"
- oh, yeah, I got the wrong show.

Da die da die die... "Mame"!

You used to kill and maim!

That was before control programmed
Me for goodness and niceness.

I will not do anything evil.

Listen, all we want you to do

Is to blow up a nice
Little bachelor party.

I'm sorry, but now I am programmed
For goodness and niceness.

- I will not do anything evil.
- both: "Do anything evil,"

We know, we know.

Stanislaus, come here!

Look, we already have asked him

To destroy 40 agents,
And he has flatly refused.

Enough being nice.

You have killed him!

No, I have not killed him.

- I have merely short-circuited him.
- oh.

Now we can plant the bomb
Inside him and set it to go off

At the party at exactly 10:00.

But will he not know
The bomb is inside him?

He will not remember anything!

I will adjust his memory banks

And erase this entire
Incident from his mind.

Now, where is the bomb?

I've hidden it in one of the ice-cream
Cartons so no one will find it.

- which carton?
- the one marked "Bomb."

Thank you, thank you. Now the
Band will take a five-minute break.

Every control agent in
Washington showed up, max.

- it's a great party.
- yes, thanks to you, hymie.

If it hadn't been for you,
This could have been a bomb.

Don't I get any credit? After
All, I'm responsible for the music,

- and the decor and the cuisine.
- the food is great, chief.

- what is that stuff on a shingle?
- creamed chipped beef.

As a matter of fact, I'm gonna
Get some more before it's all gone.

It's 9:55, max. I think we
Should show the movies now.

- movies?
- yes, max...

I understand that's what they
Usually do at bachelor parties...

- show films.
- oh... What, what have you got, hymie?

It took a little doing, max,
But I managed to get these.

"'down the colorado
River by kayak, '

'the wonderful world of zinc, '

And 'holland, land
Of dikes and tulips.'"

Don't you think these are a
Little bawdy for this crowd?

If you'll make the
Announcement, max,

- I think we should get started.
- hm.

Here, max, let me try.

- what was that?
- what was what?

Lower the microphone.

It's coming from your gearbox.

Your mechanism never
Made that sound before.

Open it up. Let me take a look.

Mm, just as I
Thought... It's a bomb.

A bomb?!

- max, what's happened?
- chief, there's a bomb planted in hymie.

- it's set to go off in five minutes.
- you'd better get the men

- out of here quickly.
- right, hymie. Chief, start the movies.

Max, any sudden movement
Might set the bomb off.

You're right, chief. I'd
Better tell everybody

To stand still and not
Make any sudden movement.

Uh, gentlemen?

Gentlemen, can I have your
Attention, please, for a moment?

Having a good time?

- max!
- chief, you just can't come right out

And tell them. You've
Gotta ease into it.

Max, they're control agents. They're
Used to danger. They won't panic!

Chief, I think I should
Open with a joke.

Max, tell them.

Uh, gentlemen, I don't exactly
Know how to tell you this,

But there's a bomb
Planted in hymie.

I told you I should've
Opened with a joke.

Everybody stay right where
You are... That's an order!

I'm ashamed of this
Display of panic

And lack of loyalty
To a fellow agent.

You're ready to desert this
Agent who time and time again

Has risked your life
For yours. You, bannister,

if it weren't for hymie,
You wouldn't be alive today.

and you, carmichael, you
Also owe your life to hymie.

And that goes for half
Of you men in this room.

Now, I'm gonna forget what I
Just saw. That's all I have to say.

Max, what happened?

The chief wouldn't
Let me open with a joke.

Kaos planted a bomb in hymie.

We've got less than two
Minutes to dismantle it.

There's no need for you
To endanger your lives.

I'll just go out in back to
The parking lot and blow up.

Wait a minute, hymie. I
Can't let you do that.

My car is out there.

You can't sacrifice yourself,
Hymie. You're too good an agent

And too dear a friend.

If I could see the bomb,
I could dismantle it.

Would you show us
How, and we'll do it!

Chief, this'll only
Take two of us.

There's no point
Risking another life,

Especially when that
Life is responsible

For the entire control
Organization. Isn't that right, max?

It certainly is, 99, but I think I
Should stay around anyway and help.

Now let's get started...
99, you get some silverware.

Hymie, tell us what to do.
We've only got a minute left.

They must've connected the
Bomb to my sensor mechanism.

Is that your sensor button?

No, that's my bellybutton.

My sensor button's
Up a little higher.

Is that it?

- that's it, chief.
- unscrew it and remove the wire.

- butter knife.
- butter knife.

Shrimp cocktail fork.

- shrimp cocktail fork.
- 99?

- yes, max.
- shrimp off.

- shrimp off.
- hurry, max.

chief: there's only
Half a minute left.

Now that you've
Loosened the wire,

Place something between it
And the bomb to act as insulation.

I'll need something
Soft for that.

- 99?
- max!

Give me a piece of rye bread.

There's only pumpernickel.

Hymie, I'm sorry, there's
No more rye bread left,

Just some nice
Fresh pumpernickel.

Pumpernickel will be just fine.

Max, there's only
10 seconds left.

Now, if you can loosen
The clamp underneath,

- you should be able to remove the bomb.
- spoon.

- dessert or soup?
- table.

Tablespoon.

- ice tongs.
- ice tongs.

Five seconds, max! Four seconds.

- I've got it, chief.
- okay, get rid of it.

- close the door!
- right, chief.

Max, are you all right?

Missed me by that much, chief.

What are all these papers?

Oh, max, that was... Those
Were secret papers of control.

Well, why didn't
You tell me, chief?

I couldn't, max.
It was a secret!

99, you don't happen to have a
Bottle of glue on you, do you?