All language subtitles for Get.Smart.1965.S03E03.REMASTERED.DVDRip.XviD-FQM

Hello?

Oh, hi, 99. I'm at the rear
Entrance to the toy company.

I have a feeling
That the tip we got

That this is a kaos
Information drop is a phony.

- anything on your end?
- no, max, not a thing.

Wait a minute, 99.
Someone's coming.

It's all right. It's just a kid.

Hold it, 99. Something's wrong.

All right, I'll take
That football, sonny.

How did you know I
Wasn't a little boy?

Really quite simple...
Training, observation

And a fact that
Very few little boys

Can afford to smoke 50¢ cigars.

I got to break that habit.

The football.

Well, unless I miss my guess,

This football should be the
Key to your whole operation.

I think we'll just take a little
Trip down to headquarters.

There's a few questions
I'd like to ask you.

That won't be
Necessary, mr. Smart.

I have the answer right here.

drop the gun, please.

And the shoe.

All right, you may turn around.

I prefer killing a
Man face to face.

Don't shoot him!

Just before I gave
Him the football,

I activated the destruct valve.

It could go off any second!

And if it hits the ground,
It'll explode immediately!

Max?

- oh no!
- max, I was coming to check on you,

And this football fell
Right into my hands.

99, the football is a bomb!

- oh no!
- oh, yes!

Hold it!

Let's get out of here. That
Thing is liable to go off any minute!

No, max. When I caught the
Football, I heard it ticking.

It was a simple timing mechanism,
So I defused it with my bobby pin.

Put on a pretty
Good act, didn't I?

You certainly did, 99,
But you have to admit

That my act of pretending to
Be frightened wasn't bad either.

max, you've been examining
That for 20 minutes,

And you still haven't figured out
How kaos used it to transmit messages.

Now why don't you let
Dr. Bascomb examine it?

After all, he is the
Head of our crime lab.

Just a moment, dr. Bascomb.

I think I've found it.

There's a kaos coding
Device concealed

In the bladder of
This football, right?

- wrong.
- wrong.

Max, nowadays footballs
Are not made with bladders.

You see, 99? Nowadays footballs
Are not made with bladders.

In that case it's obviously
Concealed in the pigskin.

- right?
- wrong.

Wrong. It's definitely not
Concealed in the pigskin.

Max, may I?

Very well, dr. Bascomb,
But you're wasting your time.

You'll find that outside
Of the bomb mechanism,

This is just an
Ordinary football.

You're right, it is.

The coding device is
Right here in the laces.

That's brilliant, dr. Bascomb.
Absolutely brilliant!

- oh, it was nothing.
- I agree with dr. Bascomb.

- what do you mean by that, max?
- it was nothing.

After all, dr. Bascomb
Is a scientific genius.

give him an ordinary
Brain like mine,

And he would've
Been stumped too.

You can't connect
Me to that football.

Even if it is microwire, you'll never be
Able to prove I had anything to do with it.

You're wrong, mr. Tudbury.

That little man in the football
Suit was a known kaos agent,

And we have a
Witness to prove it.

A witness? Gee, that's
Great, 99. Who is it?

- it's you, max.
- oh, of course. That's right.

Well, tudbury, when
I testify in court,

You're going away
For a long long time.

In the meantime, you'll be kept
Right here in custody until the trial.

I see.

If I am in custody, I'm entitled
To one phone call, am I not?

Yes, you are. That's the law.

Hello. This is tudbury.

Control has me in custody.
Now this is an order.

get smart! Destroy him!

kill him! Murder him!

- he's calling kaos.
- he must not live to testify!

- ooh!
- larrabee, get in here right away.

Yes, sir?

Larrabee, we'd
Better take him out

And turn him over to security.

Right, dr. Bascomb.

99, did you hear what tudbury
Said? I'm in a lot of danger.

Don't worry, max. Here's
What we're going to do.

Now listen carefully. We've
Got to keep you out of sight

For two weeks, until
After the tudbury trial.

We'll pretend to keep you
Here in control headquarters.

Actually, we'll take you on
A helicopter to hideout "B,"

Which is the penthouse
Suite in the warfield hotel.

Then we take you down an
Express elevator to hideout "C,"

Which is the basement
Suite in the warfield hotel.

Then we'll take you out the
Back way, up the fire escape

To hideout "D," which is a shack
On top of the warfield hotel.

- have you got that?
- not all of it, 99.

- what part didn't you get?
- the part after "Listen carefully."

Don't worry, max. I'll
Take you there myself.

Believe me, kaos will never
Never know where you are.

I wouldn't be too
Sure of that, 99.

How could they possibly know?

I forgot to hang
Up the telephone.

They're still on the other end.

So long, fellas.

Max, with the
Devices I've installed,

Your apartment is the
Safest possible place.

Bascomb, I don't like it.

I just don't like the idea of being
Cooped up in here all the time.

But, max, your life is at stake.

Kaos will stop at
Nothing to kill you.

It's only two weeks
Until the trial.

That's great. I was supposed to
Play bongos at a love-in this sunday.

- oh, max.
- oh, all right.

Now let me show you
How everything works.

First we have the
Cube of safety.

Once inside, you'll be
Completely protected

From any possible
Destructive force.

Now if you'll all just step inside
Here for your own protection,

I'll show you my second device.

There. Are you all right, smart?

Yes, bascomb, but from now on,

I think we should be
On a first-name basis.

The entire living
Room is crisscrossed

With a network of laser beams.

With this control
Knob, I can disintegrate

Anything within the room.

Watch the left
Side of that wall.

As a demonstration, I'll
Just turn this knob slightly.

Thanks a lot, doc.

You've just destroyed
My first pair of baby shoes

And my 1965 "Spy
Of the year" award.

Now remember, max, this
Is for your own safety.

What about his bedroom,
Doctor? How's that protected?

Simple. Follow me.

Now, smart, you just
Press this button,

And anyone trying to walk up
Those stairs leading to the bedroom

will be completely
Disintegrated.

The beams also can be activated

By a similar button
Inside the bedroom.

Now just a minute, bascomb.

Supposing I get up in the middle
Of the night and I have to go...

Wash out a pair of
Socks or something.

I come down those stairs
And pftt! I'm disintegrated.

Woman: mr. Smart?

Mr. Smart, I demand
An explanation.

Just a minute, mrs. Macklin.

I'd like you to meet
Two colleagues of mine

Who work with me at the
Greeting-card company.

This is miss primrose, who takes
Care of our easter greetings,

And this is mr. Pepperfeathers,
Who's in charge

of births and bereavements.

What is it you wanted to
Talk about, mrs. Macklin?

Mr. Smart, I demand
An explanation.

All day today there were people
Running all over the building...

Up on the roof and
Down in the basement.

and it all seems to have something
To do with your apartment.

What's going on here?

Uh, yes. Well, I guess
Congratulations are in order.

You see, mrs. Macklin, I've just
Been wired for the nielsen ratings.

I represent the
Entire east-coast-

Middle-income-bachelor group.

I'm warning you, mr. Smart,

I won't stand for
Any more nonsense!

Now if you'll excuse me,
I'll go and change your linen.

- max, the laser beam!
- oh!

Why did you do that?

I just saved your
Life. Look at that.

I turned it off when
She came in the room.

I'm warning you.
I'm about fed up

And I'm not going to stand
For any more trouble.

Do you understand that? No more!

No more! No more!

Poor mrs. Macklin.

She needs a fella.
That's her problem.

But, 99, you can't
Stay here all night.

Oh, max, we're in this together.

I want to feel that you're safe.

But you're a girl! What
If my mother walked in?

She just got used to
Seeing me in long pants.

Oh, max, it's my job.

Just think of me as any
Other agent, like fred brown.

If he were here, it wouldn't
Embarrass you, would it?

Okay, 99. Okay.

I'm not gonna throw
You out. You can stay.

But I'll tell you this much...
I think it's a rotten idea.

- good night, max.
- good night, fred.

max, be sure to activate your
Laser protector before you go to bed.

Right, 99.

and would you please hang
Your jacket somewhere else?

- I can't see you.
- oh, sure.

- 99, where are you?
- I'm in the living room.

I'm watching you
On closed-circuit tv.

dr. Bascomb hooked it up so I
Could keep an eye on you at all times.

Uh, well, where's the camera?

right in the picture.

- closed-circuit tv, huh?
- yeah. I can see everything you do.

Now just a minute, 99. That's
Going a little bit too far.

I mean you're invading my privacy,
To say nothing of my modesty.

max, I've seen your
Adam's apple before.

besides, max, it's cute.

This is ridiculous, 99. There's
No need to have to come

Right into my bedroom
And watch everything I do.

The next thing I know, you'll be telling
Me there's a kaos agent under my bed.

did you look, max?

Would you believe
Two kaos agents?

max!

it worked just like
Dr. Bascomb said it would.

it disintegrated everything!

99, it's horrible.

I wouldn't waste any
Sympathy on those agents, max.

- they were gonna kill you.
- I wasn't worried about them.

It's just that I rented
This apartment... Furnished.

And it's gonna be pretty
Difficult to furnish

Around this piece of carpet.

Max, what happened?
What are you doing here?

- why aren't you in your apartment?
- I was evicted.

- evicted, why?
- I disintegrated my lease.

You took a terrible chance
Going out in the street.

What if you were
Seen by kaos agents?

I was. How do you
Think I got like this?

They shot at me
Twice, tried to stab me

And run me over with
A vegetable truck.

- the town's swarming with kaos agents.
- don't worry.

They won't take me alive. And
Don't tell me they want me dead.

They want you dead, max.

I asked you not to tell me that.

Max, we've got to find a
Safe place for you to stay.

Dr. Bascomb, you have a little
Place here in town, haven't you?

- at the kimberley arms.
- that's right across from the courthouse.

That's a perfect
Place for max to hide.

And I'll bet it's equipped with all those
Special safety devices of yours too.

No, they're much too dangerous.

Even so, no one would
Think of finding max there.

I guess you're right, but
I'm used to living alone,

And having to spend
Two weeks with him...

It's obvious, dr. Bascomb, that
You don't want me to stay with you.

Please, dr. Bascomb, it's the only
Possible place for max to stay.

All right, max. Will
You stay with me?

That's the most halfhearted
Invitation I've ever had.

Fear tells me I should accept,

But pride tells
Me I should refuse.

I accept.

138...

Max, I'm trying to go to sleep.

Would you mind counting
To yourself, please?

Right.

Oh, that feels good.

Max, would you
Grunt to yourself?

I've had a very rough day.
I've got to get some sleep.

Very well. I'm finished anyway.

- I'm ready for bed.
- good.

Max!

Max, what are you doing?

I'm fluffing my pillow.

I can't sleep without
A fluffed pillow.

Max, why did you do that?

Because everybody knows
That when you elevate your feet,

The blood rushes to your brains.

That way you have
More intelligent dreams.

All right.

All right. Just
Turn off the light.

- what?
- turn off the light.

And sleep in the dark?
Oh, I couldn't do that.

Why not?

The gollywoggles might get me.

Oh.

max, I've had it. Now
Look, make your choice:

Either you sleep in
Here with the light off,

Or you go in the
Workroom on the bench.

Okay,

But I don't see much
Future for this relationship.

It's only our first night, and
Already I'm sleeping in the other room.

If there's anything I'm more
Afraid of than gollywoggles,

It's lightning.

Bascomb, try not to break
The yolks this time, will you?

And this toast is terrible.

Don't let it get cold
Before you butter it.

That coffee tastes
Terrible! It's stale!

Well, it's supposed
To be good reheated.

Not 10 days in a row.

Max, you're not the easiest
Person in the world to live with.

The least you could do is try to
Say something nice once in a while.

After all, I do work my
Fingers to the bone around here.

I'm sorry, bascomb.

It's just, well, I'm a
Little upset today.

You know you didn't come
Home until 2:00 this morning.

- I was working at the lab.
- I waited up for you.

I'm sorry, max. You
Shouldn't have done that.

- you could've called.
- well, I didn't want to wake you up.

Huh! Wake me up.

I was lying there all
Night, staring at the ceiling.

Max, max, you've got to
Get ahold of yourself.

You've been cooped up too
Long, that's your problem.

Look, it's only three
Days until the trial,

Then you'll be free to do whatever
You want and go wherever you please.

Could we go to a movie?

anything, only stop complaining.

You know, every morning
It's been the same thing...

Complain complain complain.

Now here, eat your eggs.

You broke the yolks again.

- hello.
- max, we're in a courthouse office

Right across from
Dr. Bascomb's apartment.

Now the trial
Begins in a half hour.

All you have to do is
Get across the street.

No problem, 99. There's a
Crosswalk there and everything.

Max, kaos is bound to try to kill
You before you reach the courthouse.

This is their last chance. What do you
Think you'll need in the way of protection?

Are you kidding? Just
To go across the street?

Those last 90 feet are going to be
The most dangerous of your life, max.

Dr. Bascomb suggests
Four men and an armored car.

No no, 99.

That's exactly the kind
Of thing kaos is expecting.

I'm better off just crossing
The street by myself

Using nothing but my wits.

- are you sure?
- positive.

He says he wants to get
Across the street himself

Using only his wits.

I hate to see him
Go so unprotected.

Boy, that was close,
Officer. I almost got killed.

Naturally. You were jaywalking.

I'm going to have to
Give you a ticket for that.

- but they were shooting at me.
- that's homicide. I'm traffic.

- name, please?
- uh, maxwell smart,

Secret agent 86... Of control.

Oh, trying to use influence, eh?

Uncooperative.

- they're trying to kill me.
- probably.

Sign here, please.

Now you crossed
The street illegally.

Now go back and cross legally.

- but...
- get going, buddy!

Hello, cab company?

I've got a little job for you.

Hello, honey.

Max, we've been watching you
Try to get across the street.

You can't do it
Yourself. You need help.

Well, maybe you're right,
99. You have any suggestions?

Dr. Bascomb has a plan.

It's a little bit wild,
But it might work.

Okay, shoot, 99.

- was that you?
- no, max, that was kaos.

You go up to the roof
And we'll shoot you a line.

You secure your end and then just
Slide down the wire into the courthouse.

Oh, just like a ski lift, eh?

Hey, that's a great idea.

Here he comes, doctor!

They've hit him,
Doctor! They've hit him!

- max!
- this is horrible, horrible!

Oh, max!

No!

Max! Oh, look what
They've done to him!

Max, speak to me!

He was one of the bravest
Agents we've ever had.

he's certainly showed
Us what he was made of.

Yes, doctor... Rags! Rags!

- what?
- rags! He's filled with rags!

This isn't max! It's a dummy!

Well, let's not
Jump to conclusions.

Then that means max is still
Across the street, right?

Wrong.

I told you I'd
Make it, 99, and I did.

while they were
Shooting at the dummy,

I just casually walked
Across the street.

Oh, max, you did it.
You outsmarted kaos.

Yes, well, 99, they're
Really not too bright.

They shot the wrong dummy.