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1
00:00:02,436 --> 00:00:05,173
Dads is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:10,378
You ready to go
again, handsome?
3
00:00:10,411 --> 00:00:13,081
Well, I wasn't until
you called me "handsome."
4
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,623
(clears throat)
5
00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:30,198
(clears throat loudly)
6
00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:32,166
Oh.
7
00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:34,502
Didn't realize
you had company.
8
00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:35,569
Hi.
9
00:00:35,603 --> 00:00:37,105
Um,
10
00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:38,539
Dad, this is Sarah.
11
00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:40,674
Sarah... my dad.
12
00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:42,009
Nice to meet you.
13
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,411
Are you pregnant?
14
00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:44,678
No.
15
00:00:44,712 --> 00:00:46,114
Then I don't
need to meet you.
16
00:00:46,147 --> 00:00:50,118
You know, maybe
I should get dressed.
17
00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:52,820
Yeah, I was lying about being
able to go again anyway.
18
00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:56,023
What are you doing? I thought
19
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,091
you were gonna give me
the apartment tonight.
20
00:00:57,125 --> 00:00:59,059
Why are you
always surprised
21
00:00:59,093 --> 00:01:00,528
when I disappoint you?
22
00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:02,696
SARAH:
Eli, can you call me a cab?
23
00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:04,465
Sure.
24
00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:06,200
What?!
25
00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:08,802
A beautiful woman comes over,
gives you her body,
26
00:01:08,836 --> 00:01:12,473
and it doesn't even occur
to you to drive her home?
27
00:01:13,674 --> 00:01:15,843
I've taught you well.
28
00:01:19,247 --> 00:01:22,316
* Daddy took me to the zoo
29
00:01:22,350 --> 00:01:24,285
* Na, na, na, na *
30
00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:28,389
* Just to see
something brand-new *
31
00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,458
* Na, na, na *
32
00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:34,628
* So many stars up in the sky
33
00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:39,099
* So many questions have I
34
00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:41,169
* Na, na, na, na *
35
00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:43,971
* Daddy took me for a ride.
36
00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:50,010
Hey.
Hey.
37
00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:51,779
How did it go last night
with your latest fling?
38
00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:53,113
Oh, it's over.
39
00:01:53,147 --> 00:01:55,449
She brought up horoscopes.
40
00:01:55,483 --> 00:01:57,618
You're unbelievable.
41
00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,787
She just took you
on a weekend trip
42
00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:01,622
to wine country
for your birthday.
43
00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:04,792
I know, and then,
she brought up horoscopes.
44
00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:06,994
You don't have a caring
bone in your body.
45
00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:08,362
Yes, I do.
46
00:02:08,396 --> 00:02:11,532
My bone cared for her
twice last night.
47
00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:16,337
And a bendy third time.
48
00:02:16,370 --> 00:02:18,339
You only care about your needs.
49
00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:21,108
Well, of course.
I'm a Sagittarius.
50
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:23,143
God, you are such a...
51
00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:24,478
(coughs) ...pig.
52
00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:27,715
Uh, did somebody just cough?
53
00:02:28,916 --> 00:02:30,851
If you're sick,
you have to go home.
54
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:33,487
We-we can't have disease
in the office.
55
00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:34,788
Warner, I'm fine.
56
00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:36,590
Asians never get sick.
57
00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:40,394
We fight it off
with gross soups.
58
00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:42,996
Okay, well, I'm serious.
I-I can't deal with it.
59
00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:44,398
Sorry.
60
00:02:44,432 --> 00:02:46,033
Yeah, you know
Warner's a crazy germaphobe.
61
00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:47,901
Even the word "vomit"
makes him dry heave.
62
00:02:47,935 --> 00:02:49,403
Watch this. Vomit.
63
00:02:49,437 --> 00:02:51,505
Don't... (heaving)
Vomit.
64
00:02:51,539 --> 00:02:52,706
Vomit.
Don't.
65
00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:53,874
Warm, chunky vomit.
66
00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:55,409
(coughing)
67
00:02:55,443 --> 00:02:56,877
Oh, you can see the tomatoes
in the vomit.
68
00:02:56,910 --> 00:02:58,346
Okay.
69
00:02:58,379 --> 00:03:00,080
Oh, you can smell
the Parmesan in the vomit.
70
00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:01,549
(retching)
71
00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:03,551
August Dumpster-juice vomit!
72
00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:05,753
(vomiting)
73
00:03:07,588 --> 00:03:09,590
(blowing nose)
74
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:10,424
Okay, that's it.
75
00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:12,159
You gotta go.
76
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:14,228
No. I'm not sick.
77
00:03:14,262 --> 00:03:16,897
Yes, you are, and you're
contaminating the whole office.
78
00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:19,333
(groans) I just need
to lie down for a minute.
79
00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:21,435
Oh, that's a great idea-- you
can go to my bed; I'll take you.
80
00:03:21,469 --> 00:03:23,103
Aah!
81
00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:25,038
I am never getting in your bed.
82
00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:28,175
That's where
cheerleaders go to die.
83
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,510
Well, I would offer you
the couch,
84
00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,111
but my dad is fused with it.
85
00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:32,946
(imitating Obi-Wan): And he's
more couch now than man.
86
00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:35,749
Twisted and evil.
87
00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:36,684
Obi-Wan.
88
00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:38,085
Right.
89
00:03:38,118 --> 00:03:39,553
Nice. Now get her out of here.
90
00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:42,022
Okay.
Okay, fine,
I'll go, but...
91
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,591
you can't pretend
to be nice to me
92
00:03:43,624 --> 00:03:44,958
and hope I'll hook up with you
when I get better.
93
00:03:44,992 --> 00:03:46,960
What?!
94
00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:50,030
How little you think of me.
95
00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:51,799
You're so going
to pretend to be nice to her.
96
00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,634
Of course I am.
97
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:55,202
You're never gonna
pull it off.
98
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,604
Really?
Yeah.
99
00:03:56,637 --> 00:03:58,906
Oh. Hey, how are
your kids doing?
100
00:03:58,939 --> 00:04:01,241
Okay. Yeah, the little one's
got an ear infection,
101
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:03,544
but, uh, Alden's in charge
of the class turtle.
102
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,145
Aw.
Yeah.
103
00:04:05,178 --> 00:04:06,880
You don't care about any
of that, do you?
104
00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:08,916
No, but you believed I did,
105
00:04:08,949 --> 00:04:10,784
and in that window,
I could've grabbed
106
00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:12,953
your boobs. Ah-ooh!
107
00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:18,392
Sorry the elevator's out,
and you have to carry me.
108
00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:20,093
I hope I'm
not too heavy.
109
00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:22,095
No, no, no, you're...
110
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:24,231
light as a... as a feather.
111
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:27,167
(grunting with effort):
Where do all those
noodles even go?
112
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,070
Well, we're almost there.
113
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,773
Oh, wait... I forgot my jacket.
114
00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:34,508
Seriously?
115
00:04:34,542 --> 00:04:37,044
(whining):
I need it.
116
00:04:38,546 --> 00:04:40,514
Okay. Okay.
117
00:04:40,548 --> 00:04:42,716
Yeah.
118
00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:46,253
I can't wait to lie down.
119
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,956
I'mtired.
120
00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:50,958
Oh, you're tired?
121
00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:54,428
I'm just gonna put you down
for just a second so I can...
122
00:04:54,462 --> 00:04:55,763
(sighs)
123
00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:58,399
Just until my eyesight returns.
124
00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:01,735
Oh!
125
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,042
Oh! Oh, we made it. Yeah.
126
00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:11,211
MALE VOICE:
Attention! Attention!
(alarm sounds)
127
00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:12,946
An alarm has been activated.
128
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:15,449
Please exit the building
immediately!
129
00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:17,451
Attention! Attention!
130
00:05:17,485 --> 00:05:19,387
An alarm has been activated.
131
00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:21,522
Please exit the building
immediately!
132
00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:23,724
Okay.
133
00:05:34,201 --> 00:05:36,370
(panting)
134
00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:42,676
Oh.
135
00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:45,379
You didn't tell me you were
bringing home Chinese.
136
00:05:59,393 --> 00:06:01,261
Dad, what are you doing?
137
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:04,398
Packing. I can't
be around her.
138
00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:09,603
At my age, I've got
one cold left in me.
139
00:06:09,637 --> 00:06:12,406
Come on, you're exaggerating.
140
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:14,742
No. Magic Johnson's
immune system
141
00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:16,977
could beat mine, one-on-one.
142
00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:22,115
Oh, my God, I have a whole list
of work I have to do today.
143
00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:24,384
It's okay. Edna do.
144
00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:27,120
See that? It's okay.
Edna do.
Oh.
145
00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:29,923
Thank you, Mr. Eli.
146
00:06:29,957 --> 00:06:34,294
It's my dream to be
a real American businesswoman!
147
00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:37,431
Ooh.
148
00:06:37,465 --> 00:06:39,299
Uh, why aren't you going
to the office?
149
00:06:39,332 --> 00:06:40,668
I on break.
150
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:47,975
Okay, first on the list.
151
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:50,043
Who is Tom?
152
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:52,245
You're fired.
153
00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:55,716
Okay, who Jamie?
154
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,317
Too bad.
155
00:06:57,350 --> 00:06:58,786
Jamie get raise.
156
00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:02,723
No raise. You fired.
157
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:04,592
Check.
158
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:08,562
(sighs)
159
00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:09,963
Warner, what
are you doing?
160
00:07:09,997 --> 00:07:11,465
I'm, uh,
161
00:07:11,499 --> 00:07:14,735
disinfecting Veronica's desk
with this UV light.
162
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:16,003
Does that even work?
163
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:18,105
Oh, yeah.
These things are amazing.
164
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:20,841
It even lights up semen.
165
00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:22,543
Hey, gang.
166
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:39,126
If you guys are done with these,
you have to put them away.
167
00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:42,863
But we're still playing.
168
00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:47,367
You can't possibly be playing
all of these games.
169
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:48,702
Not true.
170
00:07:48,736 --> 00:07:50,504
We're like those
genius homeless guys
171
00:07:50,538 --> 00:07:54,207
that can play ten
games of chess at once.
172
00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:57,711
Well, someone has
to put them away.
173
00:07:57,745 --> 00:07:59,880
I don't live here.
174
00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:01,849
Oh, my back!
175
00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:03,784
Fine. Whatever.
I'll deal with it later.
176
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,853
I just... I want
to watch Dr. Phil.
177
00:08:05,886 --> 00:08:07,555
I don't trust bald doctors.
178
00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:09,890
If you're so smart,
why are you bald?
179
00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:14,828
Fine. Okay, what about
that show Girls?
180
00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:17,397
Hey, I'm trying to get
erections, not lose them.
181
00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:20,601
Okay, gotta get...
I'm just gonna...
182
00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:23,571
I'm home!
183
00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:25,072
Oh, there she is!
184
00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:27,074
(yelling)
(screaming)
185
00:08:27,107 --> 00:08:28,876
Oh, my God, what happened?!
186
00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:29,977
Oh, don't look at me!
187
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,178
You're supposed to be pretty!
188
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,680
I can't help it!
189
00:08:32,713 --> 00:08:34,815
You look like what Lady Gaga
probably looks like!
190
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,149
I know! I'll leave!
191
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:37,217
Let me just get my...
192
00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:38,485
(coughing)
(whimpers)
193
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,253
I-I... I don't know where...
194
00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:44,524
(crying, whining)
195
00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:46,727
Uh...
196
00:08:47,561 --> 00:08:49,830
I'm sorry.
197
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,899
I didn't mean to yell.
198
00:08:51,932 --> 00:08:54,868
I just, I've
never seen you...
199
00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:56,436
Ugly?
200
00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:58,872
No. Stop it.
You're not ugly.
201
00:08:58,906 --> 00:09:02,943
I was gonna say, more like...
unattractive.
202
00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:04,411
Thanks.
203
00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:05,846
No, it's just...
I've never...
204
00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:07,615
I mean, I've
never seen you...
205
00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:09,617
not perfect before.
206
00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:12,385
It's not so bad.
207
00:09:12,419 --> 00:09:14,588
Once your eyes adjust.
208
00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:18,125
So I can stay?
209
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:19,860
Yeah, you can stay.
210
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:21,995
Thanks.
211
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,197
(groans)
212
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,333
Oh...
213
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:30,337
*
214
00:09:59,867 --> 00:10:02,169
*
215
00:10:29,797 --> 00:10:31,264
Hey, guys.
216
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:33,033
You late.
217
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:37,037
Oh, sorry. I was cleaning up
throw-up in my bathroom.
218
00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:39,006
Welcome to Club Edna.
219
00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:40,307
Now, back to work.
220
00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:41,441
What?
221
00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:43,043
I Veronica now.
222
00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:46,613
I take off my glasses,
and I tell you what to do.
223
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,615
Now, do something!
224
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:50,884
You,
225
00:10:50,918 --> 00:10:52,352
make video game.
226
00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:54,121
You, cancel my 9:00.
227
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,724
Also... you short.
228
00:10:58,525 --> 00:11:00,861
She really thinks
she works here.
229
00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:04,497
Well, she shows up on time
and she's disease-free.
230
00:11:04,531 --> 00:11:07,367
(laughs): Uh... what's
with the mask?
231
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,669
Oh, it's flu season.
This place is like a petri dish.
232
00:11:09,703 --> 00:11:10,971
You should wear one of these.
233
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:13,473
I'm not gonna wear that.
234
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,042
How's Veronica doing?
235
00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:16,676
She's doing a little
better, sadly.
236
00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:18,045
Why sadly?
237
00:11:18,078 --> 00:11:20,013
Well, it's weird.
I mean, I started out
238
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:22,549
pretending to take care
of her, but...
239
00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:25,518
now it's different,
it's, like... I do care.
240
00:11:25,552 --> 00:11:28,255
Oh, congratulations; you've
experienced your first emotion.
241
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:30,991
How does it feel?
242
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:32,525
It's emotional.
243
00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:34,094
Yeah.
Yeah.
244
00:11:34,127 --> 00:11:36,063
It's like I still want
to have sex with her,
245
00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:40,167
but now I want her to
like it-- is that weird?
246
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,003
Well, it's weird for you, yeah.
247
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:45,338
Oh, what's in the bag?
Huh?
248
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:47,574
Is that, uh... sweets?
249
00:11:47,607 --> 00:11:49,910
Oh. Maybe.
250
00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:52,880
Is it a cupcake?
(chuckles)
251
00:11:52,913 --> 00:11:54,447
I don't know, maybe.
252
00:11:54,481 --> 00:11:56,716
Yeah, well, what is it?
(chuckles)
253
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:57,951
It's Veronica's stool sample.
254
00:11:57,985 --> 00:11:59,820
Oh, my God!
255
00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:04,057
(coughs)
I'm kidding.
256
00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:05,592
I'm just kidding,
I'm just kidding.
257
00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:07,861
It's a brownie.
Here, we can share it.
258
00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:09,396
Here.
259
00:12:09,429 --> 00:12:11,664
There's a piece of corn in it.
260
00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:18,638
Honey, I'm home!
261
00:12:18,671 --> 00:12:20,540
Hey.
262
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:22,209
Wha... What's going on?
263
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:23,610
Nothing. I'm better.
264
00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:26,013
(flatly):
Oh, great.
Yeah.
265
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:28,215
Are you sure that
you're all better?
266
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,616
You don't want to, like,
267
00:12:29,649 --> 00:12:32,152
puke or something
just a little?
(laughs)
268
00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:33,921
No. And I should
leave you alone.
269
00:12:33,954 --> 00:12:35,722
Thanks for taking care
of me, Eli.
270
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:39,059
And I guess I was wrong-- you
do have a kind bone in there.
271
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:41,628
So... this is good-bye?
272
00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:42,729
Yep. See you at work tomorrow.
273
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:45,098
ELI:
Okay.
274
00:12:45,132 --> 00:12:47,935
Hey, uh... you want
to grab dinner tomorrow?
275
00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:50,570
It's the least I could do
after how kind you've been.
276
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,505
Really? S-Sure.
277
00:12:52,539 --> 00:12:54,975
Yeah, o-obviously
I know it's not a date.
278
00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:56,476
You know what?
279
00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:58,178
It is a date.
280
00:12:58,211 --> 00:13:00,180
See you at work.
281
00:13:03,050 --> 00:13:05,018
A date?
282
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,521
(chuckles):
Ooh, a date.
283
00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:09,923
That worked!
284
00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:11,859
A date, a date, a date!
285
00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:13,260
I have got a d...
286
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:15,662
(coughing loudly)
287
00:13:15,695 --> 00:13:17,865
(sneezing)
288
00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:20,133
No...
289
00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:21,301
No, I can't be sick--
290
00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:23,503
I have a date!
291
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:27,074
You take someone else!
292
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,042
(tires screeching)
293
00:13:29,076 --> 00:13:30,878
(car crashes)
294
00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:33,213
MAN (in distance):
Oh, my God, he's dead!
295
00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:34,414
Thank you.
296
00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:42,222
Thanks for dropping me off
for a massage, honey.
297
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:43,623
I really need this.
298
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:46,894
Been a little stressed
the past few days.
299
00:13:46,927 --> 00:13:49,362
Could we get
massages, too?
300
00:13:49,396 --> 00:13:51,164
You guys are staying
in the car.
301
00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:55,468
It's the only germ-free
zone in the city.
302
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:57,237
Can I get ice cream?
303
00:13:57,270 --> 00:13:59,706
Before dinner? No.
304
00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:01,708
Can ice cream
be my dinner?
305
00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:02,943
No.
306
00:14:04,444 --> 00:14:06,746
Okay, here you are, honey.
Have a good massage, okay?
307
00:14:06,779 --> 00:14:09,249
Thank you.
308
00:14:09,282 --> 00:14:12,152
Hey, uh, uh, uh,
don't go to a man, okay?
309
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:15,022
A-And make sure they
wash their hands.
310
00:14:16,589 --> 00:14:19,826
I can't believe I'm actually
on a date with Eli Sachs,
311
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,328
the notorious womanizer.
312
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:24,397
Oh, no, tonight think
of me as Eli Sachs,
313
00:14:24,431 --> 00:14:27,500
the notoriously nice
and caring male nurse.
314
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:30,237
Who's also your boss.
(laughs)
315
00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:32,239
You feeling okay?
You're-you're sweating.
316
00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:34,107
Oh... yeah, it's just
the habanero margarita.
317
00:14:34,141 --> 00:14:35,408
(nervous chuckle)
318
00:14:35,442 --> 00:14:37,244
We haven't even ordered
our drinks yet.
319
00:14:37,277 --> 00:14:39,579
I know, it's just
the thought of it.
320
00:14:39,612 --> 00:14:41,248
Well, I hear this
restaurant's really hip.
321
00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:42,715
The food blogs described
their entrees
322
00:14:42,749 --> 00:14:44,584
as "intentionally
confrontational."
323
00:14:44,617 --> 00:14:46,453
Compliments
of the chef.
324
00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:47,955
Oh. What is this?
325
00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:49,856
Ox balls
in lamb's blood.
326
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:52,292
These are to be eaten
with your feet.
327
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:56,629
Uh, hey,
excuse me, um...
328
00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:58,798
could I have some bread?
No, sir.
329
00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:00,934
You don't have bread?
330
00:15:00,968 --> 00:15:02,135
No.
331
00:15:02,169 --> 00:15:04,938
This is a restaurant, isn't it?
332
00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:08,308
Yes.
333
00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:09,977
A restaurant without bread.
334
00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:12,579
Yes.
335
00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:14,447
Even prisons have bread.
336
00:15:14,481 --> 00:15:16,649
Yes. But we don't.
337
00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:19,552
Please?
338
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:21,221
Edna?
339
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:23,390
Hey. What are
you doing here?
340
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:25,758
Mr. Chinese potential investor.
341
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:28,761
He tough,
but Edna has his number.
342
00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:31,598
Come on, Mr. Chinese. Mm!
343
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:38,338
Okay, I'm gonna run in
and get some money. I...
344
00:15:38,371 --> 00:15:40,640
Don't touch anything.
345
00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:47,814
I want to touch
stuff so bad.
346
00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:54,021
Hey, fella,
you're in the wrong car.
347
00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:55,522
This is a carjacking.
348
00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:56,856
Please don't kill me.
349
00:15:56,889 --> 00:15:59,459
Feel free to kill me.
350
00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:01,294
Get out.
351
00:16:01,328 --> 00:16:02,829
We, uh, can't.
352
00:16:02,862 --> 00:16:05,865
We're child-locked in here.
353
00:16:05,898 --> 00:16:07,367
Okay, give me your money.
354
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,636
Sure thing.
Crawford, give
him your money.
355
00:16:09,669 --> 00:16:10,870
Well, I, uh...
356
00:16:10,903 --> 00:16:12,872
I'm now what you call
"insolvent."
357
00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:15,875
But I do have
this credit card.
358
00:16:15,908 --> 00:16:18,378
It says "Your name here."
359
00:16:18,411 --> 00:16:21,881
It coul be.
360
00:16:21,914 --> 00:16:24,851
Is your earring
on the gay side?
361
00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:26,686
What?
Trick question.
362
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:29,222
If you're a man,
they're both the gay side.
363
00:16:29,256 --> 00:16:32,059
(crying): Shut up.
You're not my dad.
364
00:16:33,060 --> 00:16:34,394
Good-bye!
365
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:37,664
And pull up your pants!
366
00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:39,932
WARNER:
Okay, I'm back.
367
00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:43,370
Quick check. Uh...
368
00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:45,405
Uh...
369
00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:47,574
Who touched
all this stuff?
370
00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:48,908
A man in a hoodie.
371
00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:50,977
A one-earring'd man.
372
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,179
Okay...
373
00:16:52,212 --> 00:16:53,880
what have I told you
about lying?
374
00:16:53,913 --> 00:16:56,149
To... not to?
375
00:16:56,183 --> 00:16:57,884
That's right,
that's right.
376
00:16:57,917 --> 00:16:59,886
No, I was gonna give you
this ice cream,
377
00:16:59,919 --> 00:17:02,189
but now I've decided...
I've decided to...
378
00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:03,923
to not to. Yeah.
No!
No!
379
00:17:03,956 --> 00:17:05,558
Yeah. No, that's
a good idea.
380
00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:07,860
You know, I think I'm gonna...
I'm gonna eat it myself,
381
00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:10,497
because I don't make up stories.
Yeah, that's right,
382
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,365
look at this. Mmm.
383
00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:15,435
Delicious honesty.
Ooh, it's so good.
384
00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:16,836
Mmm...
385
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,571
This blows.
386
00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:20,440
What did you just say?
387
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:22,742
Nothing.
388
00:17:22,775 --> 00:17:25,178
That's right.
That's what I thought you said.
389
00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:26,579
Nothing.
390
00:17:26,613 --> 00:17:28,615
That dessert was amazing.
391
00:17:28,648 --> 00:17:30,517
You sure all you
wanted was rice?
392
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:32,018
Mm-hmm.
393
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:33,453
You barely said
anything all dinner--
394
00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:35,088
you... you sure
you're feeling okay?
395
00:17:35,122 --> 00:17:37,357
Yeah, terrific.
I've never been better.
396
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:40,127
WAITER: We have the boiled
duck fetus on a stick.
397
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:41,761
(groans)
398
00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:43,463
You know, I...
399
00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:45,865
I thought you'd be talking
about yourself the whole time,
400
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:47,600
but you've been
such a good listener.
401
00:17:47,634 --> 00:17:49,302
And this is
the fried tarantula.
402
00:17:49,336 --> 00:17:51,238
(loud groan)
403
00:17:51,271 --> 00:17:53,773
I guess I was wrong about you.
404
00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:56,309
Maybe you are a guy
I could be with.
405
00:17:56,343 --> 00:17:58,211
Really?
406
00:17:58,245 --> 00:18:00,113
Yeah.
407
00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:02,315
WAITER:
And finally, our signature dish,
408
00:18:02,349 --> 00:18:03,716
the scrambled anus.
409
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:05,385
Oh, my God.
410
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:07,154
I'm s... I'm so sorry.
411
00:18:07,187 --> 00:18:08,421
I'm so sorry.
412
00:18:08,455 --> 00:18:10,056
Hey, buddy, what
are you doing here?
413
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:13,260
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
414
00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:15,094
Get it off me!
Oh, my God!
415
00:18:15,128 --> 00:18:17,464
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, man,
416
00:18:17,497 --> 00:18:18,998
is that vomit?
417
00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:21,000
Ew, it is vomit.
418
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,474
Stop vomiting!
419
00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:29,176
Stop it!
You stop it!
420
00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:38,185
(Warner and Eli retching)
421
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:51,698
(retching continues)
422
00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:07,280
Hey, buddy,
you gonna eat that anus?
423
00:19:07,314 --> 00:19:09,316
(retching)
424
00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:19,158
(Veronica groans, pants)
425
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:22,495
When are they gonna
fix that elevator?
426
00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:24,831
Oh, thank you
for getting me home.
427
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:27,967
I'm so sorry I puked
in your passenger-door pocket.
428
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,068
Ah, it's okay.
429
00:19:29,101 --> 00:19:30,670
It's a Korean car.
430
00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:36,243
Well, I guess it serves me
right for pretending to be
nice to hook up with you.
431
00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:38,478
Wait, what?
432
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:40,880
I... uh...
433
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:42,982
uh, this fever! What?
434
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:44,484
I can't...
435
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:45,818
even see. Veronica?
436
00:19:45,852 --> 00:19:47,420
Wait, are you serious?
437
00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:49,256
You've been faking being nice
to me this whole time?
438
00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:51,391
No, no, n-not this whole time.
439
00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:53,593
Yes, at first,
but... but then
440
00:19:53,626 --> 00:19:55,194
I didn't mind.
441
00:19:55,228 --> 00:19:58,898
And now I... I think
I'm falling for you.
442
00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:02,569
(laughs) Tricking me into liking
you is not falling in love.
443
00:20:02,602 --> 00:20:05,938
You're just saying that
'cause you're a girl.
444
00:20:05,972 --> 00:20:07,740
Eli, I don't date.
445
00:20:07,774 --> 00:20:10,677
And I don't want a fling,
especially not with my boss.
446
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:13,280
Well, then you're fired.
Problem solved.
447
00:20:13,313 --> 00:20:15,615
I cannot believe
I opened up to you.
448
00:20:15,648 --> 00:20:17,016
Oh, come on, Veronica--
wait, don't-don't leave.
449
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,150
Don't leave.
450
00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:21,288
I'm sorry that
I tried to woo you
451
00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:22,955
under false pretense.
452
00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:25,858
But I really did like
having you here.
453
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:29,061
It felt good to take care
of somebody besides myself,
454
00:20:29,095 --> 00:20:31,764
even more so because it was you.
455
00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:34,233
Stop staring
at my breasts.
456
00:20:34,267 --> 00:20:35,635
I...
457
00:20:35,668 --> 00:20:38,104
I am staring at your heart.
458
00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:47,314
You are forgetting
how well I know you.
459
00:20:47,347 --> 00:20:49,316
But isn't that a good thing?
460
00:20:49,349 --> 00:20:50,950
Look,
461
00:20:50,983 --> 00:20:52,785
can't we just start over?
462
00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:56,556
Well... we were
having fun...
463
00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:58,825
till you puked everywhere.
(laughs)
464
00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:02,962
Just... just stay
a little longer.
465
00:21:02,995 --> 00:21:05,332
I promise I'm...
466
00:21:05,365 --> 00:21:07,634
not just trying
to sleep with you.
467
00:21:21,814 --> 00:21:23,650
Is that a condom
in your back pocket?
468
00:21:27,554 --> 00:21:29,088
Maybe...?
469
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:32,024
See you at work.
Oh, come on! What?
470
00:21:32,058 --> 00:21:34,327
You gotta be prepared!
What, you want to have a baby?
471
00:21:34,361 --> 00:21:36,629
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