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1
00:00:01,402 --> 00:00:02,970
Dads is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:05,739
(speaking Spanish
angrily)
3
00:00:06,874 --> 00:00:08,142
Horriblé!
4
00:00:08,176 --> 00:00:10,178
You're not the only one
who knows Spanish!
5
00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:12,713
Arroz con pollo!
Dos margaritas!
6
00:00:12,746 --> 00:00:14,082
Gloria Estefan!
7
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:16,317
Guys, guys, I have had
a long day at work.
8
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:17,818
I just want to watch some TV.
9
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:19,820
I don't want to listen
to you two argue.
10
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:21,522
He do my word puzzles!
11
00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:23,657
She doesn't understand
how word searches work.
12
00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:25,426
She just circles
every letter.
13
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,196
My way more fun!
14
00:00:29,397 --> 00:00:31,499
She's also drunk
on the job!
15
00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:32,933
(gasps)
16
00:00:32,966 --> 00:00:35,303
That lie!
17
00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:39,107
I drink before
I get here!
18
00:00:41,809 --> 00:00:44,712
* Daddy took me to the zoo.
19
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:49,550
Hey, guys,
20
00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:50,784
I got your coffee.
21
00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:53,354
Mmm, the last
pumpkin spice latte
22
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:54,888
of the season.
Mm-hmm.
23
00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:57,558
Tomorrow, everything
turns to peppermint.
24
00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:01,129
Mmm.
25
00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:02,530
Well, thank you
for getting 'em, Crawford.
26
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:03,931
You got 'em so quick.
27
00:01:03,964 --> 00:01:07,735
Yeah, they give it to you faster
if you say your name is Hitler.
28
00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:12,706
Hey, guys, I'm so sorry.
29
00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:14,908
The INS busted a huge
sweatshop in the basement
30
00:01:14,942 --> 00:01:16,744
and I couldn't get up here.
What?!
31
00:01:16,777 --> 00:01:18,812
Oh, yeah, there's sweatshops
all over this country.
32
00:01:18,846 --> 00:01:20,414
It's terrible.
33
00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:24,185
That's why I always look
for that "Made in China" label.
34
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:29,290
Anyway, uh, the INS is sweeping
the whole building
35
00:01:29,323 --> 00:01:30,424
for illegal immigrants.
36
00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:31,959
Illegal immigrants?
Sweeping?
37
00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:34,295
Oh, my God! Edna!
38
00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:39,733
It's so sad how many little
steps he needs to take
39
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,269
just to go somewhere.
40
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:44,138
Edna! No!
41
00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:46,106
I'm sorry, sir.
I have to detain her.
42
00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:48,409
No, I'm-I'm sure this
is just a misunderstanding.
43
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:51,245
Her only form of I.D. was a
picture of a cake that said,
44
00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:53,714
"Happy Birthday, Edna."
45
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,251
They let me get on plane
with it.
46
00:01:57,285 --> 00:01:59,920
I don't understand.
How did this happen?
47
00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,121
He turn me in!
48
00:02:01,155 --> 00:02:02,756
Yes, he did.
49
00:02:02,790 --> 00:02:05,426
He's a hero.
Thank you, sir.
50
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,929
These illegal immigrants
are a danger to our way of life.
51
00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:10,598
How?
52
00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:13,467
I don't know.
53
00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:14,802
Look, Edna, Edna,
don't worry.
54
00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:17,771
We will figure
something out.
55
00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:19,773
Good-bye, Eli.
56
00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:22,243
Take care of my mop.
57
00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:28,148
Mijo, you stay with Eli.
58
00:02:34,322 --> 00:02:36,023
What the hell
did you do?
59
00:02:36,056 --> 00:02:37,658
Nothing! An officer came
to the door
60
00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:41,662
looking for illegal immigrants,
and I pointed at Edna.
61
00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:43,130
Why didn't you lie?
62
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,366
Because turning in others is how
63
00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:47,435
this family has survived
every major war.
64
00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:51,305
Well, congratulations, you're
now ruining people's lives
65
00:02:51,339 --> 00:02:52,806
without even leaving the couch!
66
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,343
Listen, I feel terrible!
67
00:02:55,376 --> 00:02:57,245
Mmm. Good sandwich.
68
00:02:57,278 --> 00:02:58,346
I don't know how
69
00:02:58,379 --> 00:02:59,880
you sleep at night.
70
00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:02,483
On my stomach, so no one tries
71
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:05,152
any funny business
with my thing.
72
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,720
What about your "back thing"?
73
00:03:06,754 --> 00:03:10,291
If they want to risk Vesuvius,
go ahead.
74
00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:16,697
I always thought I'd do
very well in prison.
75
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:23,237
It's mostly reading
and avoiding eye contact.
76
00:03:23,271 --> 00:03:25,839
Both of which I enjoy.
77
00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,074
Are you kidding me?
78
00:03:27,107 --> 00:03:28,842
So many people would want
to stab you,
79
00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:31,545
they'd have to do it in shifts.
80
00:03:37,117 --> 00:03:39,520
Why you bring him?
81
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,722
Edna...
82
00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:44,725
How are you?
83
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:46,860
It's okay so far.
84
00:03:46,894 --> 00:03:48,929
I do a lot of push-ups.
85
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:52,132
Did they say what's
gonna happen?
86
00:03:52,165 --> 00:03:54,435
I get deported to Mexico
tomorrow.
87
00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:55,703
What?! No!
88
00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:56,837
Well, we tried.
89
00:03:58,138 --> 00:04:00,541
Is this a big joke
to you?
90
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:02,276
You know what?
For once in your life,
91
00:04:02,310 --> 00:04:04,044
try to think about someone
besides yourself.
92
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:06,380
Like who?
93
00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:09,617
Like Edna...
who you put in jail!
94
00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:12,720
Like me, your son!
This hurts me!
95
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:13,954
I love her!
96
00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:16,056
Eli, we only have
two minutes to talk.
97
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:18,492
Hold on just one second.
Dad...
98
00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:22,996
...you left when I was five;
you took away my father.
99
00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:25,466
And now you're taking Edna away.
100
00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:27,668
How can you do this to me twice?
101
00:04:30,471 --> 00:04:31,639
Fine.
102
00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:33,474
Get out of the way.
103
00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:40,080
Edna...
104
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,616
will you marry me?
105
00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:55,028
What if you're not "the one"?
106
00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:01,101
I'm an American citizen.
107
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:03,036
I'm the one.
108
00:05:06,674 --> 00:05:07,808
Okay.
109
00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:09,377
Great.
110
00:05:13,581 --> 00:05:14,782
Okay, I'm the wedding planner.
111
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,283
All decisions have
to go through me.
112
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,285
We have a long list
to get through
113
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,787
and we're already,
like, so behind.
114
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:22,556
Warner, baby,
please don't turn
into a groomzilla
115
00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:23,857
like you did
at our wedding.
116
00:05:23,891 --> 00:05:26,059
Groomzilla?
What are you talking about?
117
00:05:26,093 --> 00:05:27,628
That was my big day.
118
00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,697
Any good wedding is all about
the groom-- okay, whatever.
119
00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:31,298
I want to be
positive right now.
120
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,333
Okay, let's talk theme.
121
00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:35,836
I'm thinking, "Havana Dusk,"
122
00:05:35,869 --> 00:05:39,239
"Butterfly Fantasia,"
or "Rustic Rumpus."
123
00:05:39,272 --> 00:05:41,141
"Rustic Rumpus."
124
00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:44,177
Uh, bridesmaids' color palette.
125
00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:45,813
Veronica, what are you
thoughts?
126
00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,180
No opinion?
127
00:05:47,214 --> 00:05:49,349
Great. Just another thing
for me to do!
128
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:51,419
You know,
he's right, though.
129
00:05:51,452 --> 00:05:52,853
This wedding has
to convince the INS
130
00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:54,555
that your relationship with Edna
is real.
131
00:05:54,588 --> 00:05:56,924
It'll be real.
Watch this.
132
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:59,693
Edna, where do you want
to go to eat tonight?
133
00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:00,761
I don't know.
134
00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:02,730
Where do you want
to eat tonight?
135
00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:03,864
I just asked you!
136
00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:05,165
Don't yell at me!
137
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:07,701
See?
138
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:10,671
Excuse me, Mr. Groomzilla.
139
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,372
Yeah?
140
00:06:13,607 --> 00:06:18,879
Before anything, Mr. David have
to get my father blessing.
141
00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:23,917
Your father's bless...
142
00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:29,457
I'm in my 60s, and you're
somewhere between 30 and 75.
143
00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:34,995
Edna old-fashion.
Here.
144
00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:39,132
(phone ringing)
145
00:06:43,671 --> 00:06:45,105
Hola.
146
00:06:45,138 --> 00:06:47,374
Yes. My name is David.
147
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:49,242
I want to marry
your daughter Edna.
148
00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:51,078
Yeah, okay.
149
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:58,452
Okay, so the next thing on the
list is "Call the photographer."
150
00:06:58,486 --> 00:07:01,221
Oh, good, 'cause
the INS will want pictures.
151
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:03,457
Hey, hey, hey!
I'm a businessman.
152
00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:06,226
Let me handle these
negotiations.
153
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,796
Yeah, hello, um,
I'd like to book you
154
00:07:08,829 --> 00:07:11,164
to shoot a wedding
on the 28th.
155
00:07:11,198 --> 00:07:12,299
Mm-hmm.
156
00:07:12,332 --> 00:07:14,635
$3,000?!
157
00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:15,936
Great.
158
00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:18,939
Dad, you just took his price.
159
00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:21,274
How was that a negotiation?
160
00:07:21,308 --> 00:07:25,979
Ah, the negotiations start after
the wedding, when I can't pay.
161
00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:29,850
Okay, I can't put out
that fire right now.
162
00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:33,186
Uh, the next
is tablecloth swatches.
163
00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:34,187
Come on, people!
164
00:07:34,221 --> 00:07:35,823
What is wrong with him?
165
00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:39,927
He's on one of his
Chardonnay-fueled
rampages right now.
166
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:43,463
Oh, my God,
I said sage tablecloths!
167
00:07:43,497 --> 00:07:45,766
This is moss!
168
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:48,636
Oh, my God,
I can't even deal
with this right now.
169
00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:50,337
Uh, let's talk
wedding dresses.
170
00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:52,105
Something strapless,
right, Edna?
171
00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:54,708
Sí.
(chuckles)
Yeah.
172
00:07:54,742 --> 00:07:56,610
Ooh!
173
00:07:56,644 --> 00:08:01,048
I urge you, consider
something with straps.
174
00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:03,984
Lots and lots of straps.
175
00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:07,487
Okay, well, we'll just
leave that open.
176
00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:08,488
Uh, flowers?
177
00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:09,957
Eli, any thoughts?
178
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:12,960
Oh, uh, I only know,
like, two flowers.
179
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:15,495
So, uh... daisies?
180
00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:20,768
Daisies?
181
00:08:21,669 --> 00:08:24,104
(mocking laughter)
182
00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:28,241
Daisies...
183
00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:29,843
Daisies?!
184
00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:32,580
Get out of your house right now!
185
00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:35,015
I didn't do anything.
186
00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:36,483
That's exactly my point!
187
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:37,818
Nobody's doing anything!
I'm doing everything!
188
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:41,054
We started ten minutes ago.
189
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:44,592
And you put yourself
in charge.
190
00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:46,660
If I weren't in charge,
who would be?! You?! Ha!
191
00:08:46,694 --> 00:08:48,495
What do you know about love?!
192
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:51,331
Okay, honey,
honey, honey...
193
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:53,567
Try and breathe, relax.
194
00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:55,703
I know. I just have
so much pressure right now.
195
00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:57,170
My hormones
are going crazy.
196
00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:58,606
Honey, take me home.
197
00:08:58,639 --> 00:09:00,608
I need my Fiona Apple
and my cucumber bath.
198
00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:03,744
All I wanted to do
was something beautiful!
199
00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:09,549
I afraid to tell him
I want a SpongeBob piñata.
200
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:22,996
No one good is here.
201
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:29,102
("Wedding March" plays)
202
00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:35,643
(sobbing):
Oh, God... so emotional!
203
00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:39,146
So beautiful!
204
00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:46,419
Look at these zinnias!
205
00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:48,656
Don't touch that!
206
00:09:48,689 --> 00:09:51,558
These are zinnias, Eli!
207
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:54,327
Zinnias!
208
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,669
Oh... go.
209
00:10:04,838 --> 00:10:08,608
Beerly de-loved...
(chuckles)
210
00:10:10,778 --> 00:10:14,815
Supposed to get
a two-minute laugh.
211
00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:16,249
Idiots.
212
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:23,290
All right, uh, Camila will now
do a reading from Corinthians.
213
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:27,961
"Love is patient..."
214
00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:28,796
Hurry up.
215
00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:31,799
All right, thank you.
216
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:35,602
And now the couple will now
exchange vows,
217
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,805
which they have written
themselves.
218
00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:46,113
Mr. David, I be your wife
here and in Mexico.
219
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:50,450
We go to mall together
sometime.
220
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:52,986
Good night and good luck.
221
00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:58,992
Edna, I promise to try
not yell at you today.
222
00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:01,294
I will be
a good husband
223
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:04,231
as long as you
leave me alone.
224
00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:05,632
Also...
225
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:07,968
don't eat food off
my plate in restaurants.
226
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,102
I hate that.
227
00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:12,806
If you want something,
just order it yourself.
228
00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:15,776
Don't take advantage
of my good ordering.
229
00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:19,880
(sobbing):
Oh, my God...
230
00:11:20,748 --> 00:11:22,515
CRAWFORD:
Okay. (clears throat)
231
00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:24,517
By the power vested in me
232
00:11:24,551 --> 00:11:28,055
by SoYouWannaMarryPeople.com,
233
00:11:28,088 --> 00:11:31,491
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
234
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,093
You may kiss the bride.
235
00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:34,227
It's up to you.
236
00:11:35,896 --> 00:11:37,697
Mwah!
237
00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:42,502
You know, even though
this is just
238
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,171
to keep Edna
in the country,
239
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:45,906
I still can't believe
they're going through with it.
240
00:11:45,939 --> 00:11:48,876
I always get
so emotional at weddings.
241
00:11:51,879 --> 00:11:54,982
Yeah, take it
down a notch.
242
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:59,386
Stuff it, lady.
243
00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:04,724
Morning, Edna.
244
00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:07,094
Please call me "Mom."
245
00:12:08,929 --> 00:12:09,696
Uh...
246
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,698
that's a little weird.
247
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:14,802
Eli, I take vow
very serious.
248
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:17,771
I your mother now.
249
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:20,540
Dad, is she kidding?
250
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:21,474
Are you kidding?
251
00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:22,542
No.
252
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,411
No.
253
00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:26,713
Whatever.
I gotta go to work,
254
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:28,315
so...
You take jacket.
255
00:12:28,348 --> 00:12:29,549
It's raining.
(laughs)
256
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:30,918
No, I...
my office is downstairs.
257
00:12:30,951 --> 00:12:32,719
I don't even need
to go out of the building.
258
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,422
Edna house, Edna rules.
259
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:38,959
Okay...
Wait.
260
00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:41,795
I spit your hair down.
261
00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:52,305
Hair too messy.
262
00:12:52,339 --> 00:12:53,740
David, you help.
263
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,242
(snorts, spits)
264
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:56,844
Oh, my God!
265
00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:10,958
Hey, Paddington.
266
00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:14,294
Edna made me wear it.
267
00:13:15,562 --> 00:13:17,865
She thinks she's my mom now.
268
00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:21,201
Hey, you want to do
Pilates tonight?
269
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:23,436
I can't.
270
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:24,604
I'm grounded.
271
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,773
I have...
What am I talking about?
272
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,475
I am an adult,
273
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:31,044
and they are living
in my house!
274
00:13:31,078 --> 00:13:33,480
I'm gonna give them
a piece of my mind.
275
00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:36,516
Da...
276
00:13:37,384 --> 00:13:38,919
(muttering)
277
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,923
Ugh, the slob...
278
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,438
(screams)
279
00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:02,742
DAVID:
Close your eyes,
280
00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:05,012
because we're not
at a point I can stop.
281
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:11,518
EDNA:
Hi, Mr. Eli!
282
00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:23,696
I'm glad you caught us.
283
00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:25,065
Now we can stop hiding.
284
00:14:25,098 --> 00:14:27,500
Hiding?! How much have
you been doing it?
285
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:29,869
A lot.
286
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:32,372
What are
you wearing?
287
00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:35,275
Who are you supposed to be,
Billy the Yid?
288
00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:40,347
Edna's dressing me now.
289
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:43,216
He my pequeño ranchero.
290
00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:46,286
Dad, what are you doing?
291
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:48,455
This was just supposed
to be for the INS.
292
00:14:48,488 --> 00:14:49,456
What?
293
00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:51,091
She started it.
294
00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:52,960
I was just
sitting on the couch,
295
00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:54,394
minding my own
business.
296
00:14:54,427 --> 00:14:57,097
Then suddenly, her business
was on my business
297
00:14:57,130 --> 00:14:59,399
and we were in business.
298
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:02,569
And business is very good.
299
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,210
Thank you for having me over.
300
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:13,880
My home has become a den
of erotic nightmares.
301
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,282
Well, don't look at it that way.
302
00:15:15,315 --> 00:15:16,984
Sex gets better
when you get older,
303
00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:19,419
'cause you can't get
pregnant or gonorrhea.
304
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:23,423
What are you talking about?
305
00:15:23,456 --> 00:15:25,392
Of course you can
still get gonorrhea.
306
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:27,460
Oh, boy.
307
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:31,831
Well, I've got
to find a way
308
00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:33,333
to cool their relationship.
309
00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:35,635
Eli, the more you try to pull
your Dad and Edna apart,
310
00:15:35,668 --> 00:15:38,238
you realize you're just gonna
push them closer together.
311
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:39,839
Warner and I have
so many haters
312
00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:41,641
and they just make
our marriage stronger.
313
00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:43,643
I am so through
with the haters.
314
00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:44,911
They're so bogus.
Bogus.
315
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,079
(laughing)
316
00:15:46,113 --> 00:15:48,015
What are you guys
talking about?
317
00:15:48,048 --> 00:15:50,417
Nobody knows or
cares who you are.
318
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:53,286
Oh, honey, looks like
we have another hater.
319
00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:56,990
Look, we just gotta get through
this interview with the INS
320
00:15:57,024 --> 00:15:59,092
and everything will go back
to the way things were.
321
00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:00,960
When's the interview?
It's tomorrow--
and they want
322
00:16:00,994 --> 00:16:03,163
to talk to all of us,
so just tell the guy
323
00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:04,797
that Edna and my dad
are in love
324
00:16:04,831 --> 00:16:06,366
and had a nice wedding.
325
00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:08,268
A "nice wedding"?
326
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:12,105
How much do you hate me
right now?
327
00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:15,342
So, you two are now married?
328
00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:17,544
Yes. We have frequent
sexual intercourse
329
00:16:17,577 --> 00:16:19,346
and the photos
to prove it.
330
00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:22,549
Sir, that's okay,
I don't need to s...
331
00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:24,251
Wow.
332
00:16:25,252 --> 00:16:28,988
Yeah, she's
surprisingly bendy.
333
00:16:30,057 --> 00:16:32,992
(clears throat)
I'm gonna have to interview
334
00:16:33,026 --> 00:16:34,994
each of you separately
to verify that
335
00:16:35,028 --> 00:16:37,430
this marriage is real.
336
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:41,634
How old are you?
337
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:42,802
Sixty-six.
338
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:45,238
He 97.
339
00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:48,241
Did Edna
go to college?
340
00:16:48,275 --> 00:16:49,876
No way.
341
00:16:49,909 --> 00:16:52,745
I go to Arizona State.
342
00:16:52,779 --> 00:16:55,448
It's a waste of four years.
343
00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:59,352
Oh, yeah, they're very
affectionate with each other.
344
00:16:59,386 --> 00:17:02,655
They... make love...
all the time.
345
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:04,557
(chuckles):
Oh, I know.
346
00:17:04,591 --> 00:17:06,226
They gave me these pictures.
347
00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:08,027
(gasps)
348
00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:14,767
It turns out you can
still get gonorrhea.
349
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:17,704
So then...
350
00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:19,172
I wound up putting tea lights
351
00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:21,674
in these little paper bags,
and it worked perfectly.
352
00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:24,277
Again, all me.
353
00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:25,778
You sound like a professional.
354
00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:28,081
(laughing):
Thank you.
355
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:31,218
How'd we do?
356
00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:34,020
Well, I asked you both
20 questions about each other,
357
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,356
and the only one
you both got right was:
358
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:39,126
"Who is the best Iglesias?"
359
00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:43,029
Julio...!
Julio...!
360
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:46,133
I'm afraid this marriage
is a sham.
361
00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:47,600
Edna, pack your bags.
362
00:17:47,634 --> 00:17:49,569
No! Are you insane?
363
00:17:49,602 --> 00:17:51,804
The fact that we know nothing
about each other
364
00:17:51,838 --> 00:17:53,506
proves we're married.
365
00:17:54,307 --> 00:17:56,143
When's your wife's birthday?
366
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:00,880
In the fall.
367
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:02,315
See?
368
00:18:02,349 --> 00:18:04,951
Sir, at this point,
my wife and I
369
00:18:04,984 --> 00:18:08,355
are just staying
together for the dogs.
370
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:11,057
Edna needs
to go.
No!
371
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:13,460
You can't even make
your fake marriages work!
372
00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:14,794
Wait.
373
00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:16,496
It's okay, Eli. I go.
374
00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:18,331
Edna, when we first met,
there were times
375
00:18:18,365 --> 00:18:21,067
when I wouldn't eat just
so I'd have enough to pay you.
376
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:24,070
And-and there were weeks
where your salary
377
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:28,074
would eat up almost all
of my unemployment checks.
378
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,976
But I knew one thing--
379
00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:33,446
I did not want
to pick up after myself.
380
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:37,984
(crying): And now you're
cleaning my penthouse.
381
00:18:38,017 --> 00:18:40,420
Edna go back to Mexico so happy
382
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:43,490
because of the time
I spent with Eli.
383
00:18:43,523 --> 00:18:45,258
You are my son.
384
00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:47,827
Oh, Edna, you are my mom.
385
00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:49,996
(speaking soothingly in Spanish)
386
00:18:50,029 --> 00:18:51,598
Okay, let's go.
387
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,833
(phone rings)
388
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:56,403
Yeah?
389
00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:59,672
Aw, crap.
390
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:02,842
Ma'am, you're free to go.
391
00:19:02,875 --> 00:19:04,977
Wha...?!
Oh, my gosh!
392
00:19:05,011 --> 00:19:06,145
Wait, what-what happened?
393
00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:08,815
Eh, the government
shut down again.
394
00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:10,450
(laughs)
395
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:13,019
Which means
my paychecks
have stopped.
396
00:19:13,052 --> 00:19:14,654
(laughs)
397
00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:17,624
Oh, but, uh...
398
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:19,859
I also teach bowling.
399
00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:25,332
Don't you pretty much
just roll it at the pins?
400
00:19:26,065 --> 00:19:27,667
Yeah.
401
00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:31,704
(Edna and Eli laughing)
402
00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:38,245
Hey. You know,
403
00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:40,247
I really admire
what you did for Edna.
404
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,081
Oh, yeah, it's amazing--
when you don't have kids,
405
00:19:42,114 --> 00:19:44,984
it really frees up time to get
involved in your maid's life.
406
00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:46,286
Mm.
407
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:49,222
You planned a lovely wedding.
408
00:19:49,256 --> 00:19:51,358
Well, thank you.
Thank you.
409
00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:54,394
You know, I, uh,
I-I went to the doctor,
410
00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:56,929
and I found out
that my testosterone
411
00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:59,399
was basically zero.
412
00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:00,933
So...
413
00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:03,169
So I got a prescription,
414
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:05,905
and hopefully
I'll stop drinking appletinis
415
00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:08,575
and crying all the time.
416
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,345
Hey, guys.
Hi.
Hey.
417
00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:13,780
Picked up the wedding pictures,
418
00:20:13,813 --> 00:20:16,015
and great news-- I was able
to bargain the guy down
419
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:17,183
to $3,000.
420
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:19,419
Wow. Hey.
421
00:20:19,452 --> 00:20:21,288
Check these out.
Yeah.
422
00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:23,556
Aw.
Look at that.
423
00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:26,959
Oh. Aw, look
at those zinnias.
Yeah.
424
00:20:26,993 --> 00:20:28,295
Yeah, it turned out great.
425
00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:30,463
Yeah, no thanks to you.
426
00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:34,701
Sorry. I'm sorry.
Let me just...
427
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,536
Hola. Hola.
428
00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:39,439
Hey! What are you two
so happy about?
429
00:20:39,472 --> 00:20:40,907
We just got divorced.
430
00:20:45,678 --> 00:20:47,947
I get half his money.
431
00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:49,982
Six dollars!
432
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:56,756
(Fiona Apple's
"Criminal" playing)
433
00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:13,306
(knocking on door)
434
00:21:13,340 --> 00:21:16,075
This is my time right now!
435
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:17,610
This is my time.
436
00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:21,814
CAMILA: Honey, are you
taking your pills?
437
00:21:26,453 --> 00:21:30,289
(singing along):
* I've been a bad, bad girl...
438
00:21:31,558 --> 00:21:35,462
* I've been careless
with a delicate man... *
439
00:21:35,495 --> 00:21:38,831
Captioned by
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