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1
00:00:01,402 --> 00:00:03,637
Dads is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:07,675
Hey, uh, do you know any
good place to get Thai food?
3
00:00:09,743 --> 00:00:13,814
I said, can you recommend
a good Thai restaurant?
4
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:16,317
And you're asking me?
5
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:18,152
Yeah, obviously.
6
00:00:18,186 --> 00:00:20,221
Why me?
7
00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:24,258
Because you have a cousin
named Wai Mi.
8
00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:27,228
(whining):
Warner, Eli's being racist.
9
00:00:27,261 --> 00:00:29,830
Eli, stop being racist.
10
00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:31,232
(whining):
Veronica won't give me
11
00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:33,767
Thai restaurant
recommendations.
12
00:00:33,801 --> 00:00:37,271
Veronica, give Eli
Thai restaurant recommendations.
13
00:00:37,305 --> 00:00:38,506
But I don't eat Thai.
14
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,708
Everything tastes
like spicy pets.
15
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:52,353
Now you' being racist.
(scoffs)
16
00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:55,189
You're not racist if you're
making fun of your own race.
17
00:00:55,223 --> 00:00:57,191
Hey, hey.
Let's just leave what's racist
18
00:00:57,225 --> 00:00:59,227
up to the white media, okay?
19
00:01:02,996 --> 00:01:06,100
* Daddy took me to the zoo
20
00:01:06,134 --> 00:01:08,136
* Na, na, na, na *
21
00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:12,140
* Just to see
something brand-new *
22
00:01:12,173 --> 00:01:14,208
* Na, na, na *
23
00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:18,379
* So many stars up in the sky
24
00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:22,883
* So many questions have I
25
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,952
* Na, na, na, na *
26
00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:27,588
* Daddy took me for a ride.
27
00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:33,561
Dad, I just bought
this conditioner yesterday.
28
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:34,962
How did you already use it all?
29
00:01:34,995 --> 00:01:36,230
Don't ask questions
you don't want
30
00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:38,666
to hear the answer to.
31
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:44,071
Did you eat the last
of the cereal?
32
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:47,241
And the last of the eggs?
33
00:01:47,275 --> 00:01:50,878
I lost a lot of protein
in the shower.
34
00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:58,419
How you drink so much coffee
then snore all day?
35
00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,087
I don't snore.
36
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,089
Sí, you snore.
37
00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:05,025
You tilt your big fat head back,
38
00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:07,595
open big fat mouth
39
00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:12,800
and make sound
like big fat Jewish donkey.
40
00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:17,338
Hee-haw! Hee-haw!
41
00:02:17,371 --> 00:02:19,273
Hee-haw!
42
00:02:19,307 --> 00:02:22,109
You're on the phone all day,
43
00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,111
yakkata bappita, cinco de cinco.
44
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:25,746
What do you even talk about?
45
00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:28,349
"I'm vacuuming.
What are you doing?"
46
00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:30,351
"Vacuuming."
47
00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:33,120
You make that up.
48
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,889
This is the worst episode
of Crossfire ever.
49
00:02:35,923 --> 00:02:37,458
Listen, Dad,
50
00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:41,161
from now on, no more eating
my food without my permission.
51
00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:46,400
What are you doing?
52
00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:48,669
Oh, if you want something, you
can just come down to my office
53
00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:50,671
and ask for it.
54
00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:51,739
You can't lock the fridge.
55
00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:54,375
I need food to live.
56
00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:57,211
I know.
57
00:02:57,245 --> 00:02:59,680
(phone ringing)
58
00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:05,085
This not a good time.
59
00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:11,058
Vacuuming.
60
00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:14,862
(snoring softly)
61
00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:23,504
Dad, wake up!
Ah! (mutters)
62
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:26,874
You almost set yourself
on fire, Crawford.
63
00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:28,742
Well, never mind that.
64
00:03:28,776 --> 00:03:31,245
I just dreamed
a million-dollar idea.
65
00:03:31,279 --> 00:03:32,713
Really?
Yeah.
66
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,682
You know how so many
of our parents are dead?
67
00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:37,251
Oh, cha-ching.
68
00:03:37,285 --> 00:03:39,720
Okay, what if there was
a service where you could call
69
00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:43,056
and have two people who look
vaguely like your dead parents
70
00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:45,259
come over and hang out?
71
00:03:45,293 --> 00:03:46,794
Huh?
72
00:03:46,827 --> 00:03:49,397
Just imagine, uh, the thrill
o-of playing catch
73
00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:52,733
with a-a stranger who,
if you take your glasses off,
74
00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:55,369
could be your dad.
75
00:03:55,403 --> 00:03:57,771
Would he come and fall asleep
on the couch with a lit cigar
76
00:03:57,805 --> 00:03:59,039
in his mouth like you just did?
77
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,374
I'm sorry, Smokey the Bear.
78
00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:03,110
That's how I do
my best thinking.
79
00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:05,546
Okay, what if the cigar
caught the couch on fire
80
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,147
and the flames
hit the scotch?
81
00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:09,450
What am I, a scientist?
82
00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:11,452
Okay, if you fall asleep
just one more time
83
00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:13,721
with a lit cigar in your
mouth, I will take bug spray
84
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:17,124
and a lighter and I will
set you on fire myself. Okay?
85
00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:18,459
I'm gonna do it.
86
00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:21,228
Well, it sounds like you
might soon be in the market
87
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,564
for a look-alike dad.
88
00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:26,300
Dad, this just says "Business."
89
00:04:26,334 --> 00:04:27,568
Yeah. It's from a board game.
90
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:29,670
The others say
"Pleasure" and "Sex."
91
00:04:29,703 --> 00:04:31,705
(chuckles)
92
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:43,451
Hey.
93
00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:48,121
Those are the carnitas that
Edna made special for me.
94
00:04:48,155 --> 00:04:51,625
You don't want something eaten,
don't leave it in the fridge.
95
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,962
But... h...
96
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:56,630
how did you...
They haven't made
the refrigerator
97
00:04:56,664 --> 00:04:59,767
I can't break food out of.
98
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,635
By the way,
99
00:05:01,669 --> 00:05:03,170
I refilled the ice tray.
100
00:05:03,203 --> 00:05:05,072
You're welcome.
101
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,810
Dad, there was a clean towel in
here when I left this morning.
102
00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:10,978
You mean this one?
103
00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:13,881
Sorry, I'm saving it
for my shower.
104
00:05:13,914 --> 00:05:16,517
No, no. I gave you towels.
105
00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:17,785
Whenever you use mine,
they wind up looking
106
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:20,888
like they're from a
World War One hospital.
107
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:24,825
I don't even know what
bodily fluids are those colors.
108
00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:29,730
It's the black blood
from my toes.
109
00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:34,635
You should be getting that
in about six years.
110
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:36,203
Give me the towel, Dad.
It's mine.
111
00:05:36,236 --> 00:05:39,540
I'll only use one side;
the rest is all yours.
112
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:42,009
Both sides are mine.
113
00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:44,144
Give me the towel.
114
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:45,913
Edna! Stop him before he gets
to the bathroom!
115
00:05:45,946 --> 00:05:47,948
Copy that, boss!
116
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,324
I don't want to kill you,
Edna, but I will.
117
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,827
Edna laughs at death.
118
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,396
(laughs)
119
00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:04,765
Nice work, Edna. Thank you.
Give me the towel, Dad.
120
00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:06,233
No. No. No.
You give me
that towel, Dad.
121
00:06:06,266 --> 00:06:07,768
Give me the towel!
(grunts)
122
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:08,936
Fine!
(shouts)
123
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:12,406
(thump)
Ooh, my head!
124
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:13,741
Dad, are you okay?
125
00:06:13,774 --> 00:06:16,777
Ooh. He need towel.
126
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:27,054
I can't believe
the emergency room
127
00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:29,389
took all those
other people before me.
128
00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:33,060
Dad, a cable car
tipped over.
129
00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:35,863
People lost limbs;
you got two stitches.
130
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:39,232
Still, I signed in first.
131
00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:41,535
(knocking)
132
00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:43,203
Hey, I got your text.
Hey.
133
00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:44,705
David, how are you feeling?
134
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:48,442
I feel like "shut up
and give me my painkillers."
135
00:06:48,476 --> 00:06:50,544
Here, here. My goodness.
136
00:06:50,578 --> 00:06:51,912
CRAWFORD:
Here, David,
137
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:54,247
wash it down with this.
Uh, no.
138
00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:56,049
No, no, no. No, no, Dad.
139
00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:57,918
You're not supposed to
drink alcohol with... Okay.
140
00:06:57,951 --> 00:06:59,319
Oh.
141
00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:00,821
Now, I find if you do
142
00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:03,156
everything the prescription
label says not to,
143
00:07:03,190 --> 00:07:05,058
it works better.
(chuckles)
144
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:08,496
Double the don'ts,
triple the buzz.
145
00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:09,530
(doorbell rings)
146
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:15,836
Eli Sachs?
147
00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:17,337
Yes.
148
00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:19,006
I'm Special Officer Silverton.
149
00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:20,107
Immigration!
150
00:07:38,692 --> 00:07:40,694
Won't you please come in?
151
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:43,964
Um, I'm sorry,
Officer Silverton.
152
00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:45,332
It's just a
little chaotic.
153
00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:47,601
My dad bumped his head; we
spent the night in the E.R.
154
00:07:47,635 --> 00:07:48,836
I know.
155
00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:51,038
When there's an injury
involving an elderly parent,
156
00:07:51,071 --> 00:07:54,474
we're automatically sent
to investigate.
157
00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:59,179
Ma'am.
158
00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:09,356
You'd be surprised
how many children
159
00:08:09,389 --> 00:08:11,725
are driven
to commit acts of violence
160
00:08:11,759 --> 00:08:13,794
against their elderly parents.
161
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,295
What? You think that I did this?
162
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:16,797
Oh, my gosh, believe me,
163
00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:19,900
if I had wanted to hurt my dad,
he wouldn't even have a head.
164
00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:22,002
(chuckles):
Am I right? Like...
165
00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:25,038
(Eli and Warner laughing)
166
00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:26,473
Well, I'm glad
I didn't mention
167
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,976
that anything you say
can be used against you,
168
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:32,212
because now I'm going
to use that against you.
169
00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:34,848
Whoa, whoa, hey,
170
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:37,751
you're not going to find
a more caring son than Eli here.
171
00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:39,252
Thank you, buddy.
I appreciate that.
Yeah.
172
00:08:39,286 --> 00:08:41,021
Who chained
the refrigerator shut?
173
00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:42,522
Eli.
174
00:08:42,556 --> 00:08:44,324
But, uh, in his defense,
175
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:46,894
his dad ate all of his eggs
and he was...
176
00:08:46,927 --> 00:08:48,228
Going to cut his head off?
177
00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:48,929
Yeah. No!
178
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,831
No! No!
No.
179
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:53,601
No, I would never do that.
Dad, tell him.
180
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:58,238
Man, that whiskey pushed
my painkillers into high gear.
181
00:08:58,271 --> 00:09:02,710
You allowed your father
to take narcotics with alcohol?
182
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:04,612
Oh, come on,
what's the big deal?
183
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:07,414
My son does that all the time.
184
00:09:07,447 --> 00:09:08,548
(chuckles)
185
00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:09,750
He says it's easier
186
00:09:09,783 --> 00:09:12,452
to have me unconscious
and out of his hair.
187
00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:14,487
(Warner and Crawford laughing)
188
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:17,524
That's crazy.
189
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:19,693
I love you in my hair.
190
00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:22,062
(laughing)
191
00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:23,463
Yeah, I wish his wife did.
192
00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:25,633
She wants to make
a flamethrower
193
00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:28,902
out of bug spray
and set me on fire.
194
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:32,405
Okay, that's a threat
of bodily harm.
195
00:09:32,439 --> 00:09:35,776
By law, I have to remove you
from the premises.
196
00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:38,145
What, like, w-we're
under arrest?
197
00:09:38,178 --> 00:09:40,580
No, I need to remove
your fathers
198
00:09:40,614 --> 00:09:42,650
and relocate them
to a safe place.
199
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:46,053
Wait, so-so we-we get
to stay here?
200
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:49,757
Uh, actually,
I don't care what you do.
201
00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:53,961
My job description is not
"scumbag party planner."
202
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,330
Will we get
new identities?
203
00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:59,366
I've always wanted
to be Nick.
204
00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:04,237
(door closes)
205
00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:06,473
Well, if he says it's safe.
Well, if you have to.
206
00:10:06,506 --> 00:10:08,441
I mean, laws are laws.
Yeah.
207
00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:09,609
Take them away.
Yes.
208
00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:11,244
Did that just
actually happen?
I mean...
209
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:12,579
Oh, my God!
210
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,614
(laughing)
211
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:21,655
Let's hang out, man, yeah.
Watch a movie or something.
212
00:10:21,689 --> 00:10:23,757
Edna, why are
you hiding?
213
00:10:23,791 --> 00:10:25,458
Eli,
214
00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:27,627
there is a chance
I may not be legal.
215
00:10:30,397 --> 00:10:32,800
Wh-What kind of chance?
216
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:34,501
100%.
217
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,808
This is crazy.
218
00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:42,609
You just let them
take your dads away?
219
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,277
No, no, no,
we did everything we could.
220
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:46,814
We said, "Hey," and...
221
00:10:48,415 --> 00:10:49,783
...stuff like that.
222
00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:51,218
You don't even know
where they took them.
223
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:53,053
Sure we do-- away.
224
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,788
(chuckles)
225
00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:56,656
Yeah, so don't tell us
we don't care.
226
00:10:56,690 --> 00:10:58,391
Warner, he's your father.
227
00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:00,127
Oh, don't get all
"he's your father" on me.
228
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,729
You're the one who threatened
to set him on fire.
229
00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:03,563
You pushed this
into felony territory.
230
00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:05,465
ELI:
Hey, hey.
231
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:07,234
This isn't about
whose fault it is, okay?
232
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:08,836
We all know
whose fault it is.
233
00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:14,241
It's about just once
not hearing my dad's theory
234
00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:16,409
that Sully Sullenberger
crashed his plane on purpose.
235
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:20,547
Yeah, or my dad's theory
that John F. Kennedy
236
00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:22,382
actually committed suicide.
237
00:11:23,784 --> 00:11:25,418
I ju... I don't
understand
238
00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:27,587
how you guys are not
out looking your dads.
239
00:11:27,620 --> 00:11:29,857
I mean, our cat was
missing for half an hour,
240
00:11:29,890 --> 00:11:31,892
and you were all over town
looking for it.
241
00:11:31,925 --> 00:11:34,494
Honey, Bootsy was like family.
242
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:35,829
Wait a minute.
243
00:11:35,863 --> 00:11:37,731
Bootsy ran away?
244
00:11:37,765 --> 00:11:40,100
You...
245
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,002
You told me
that she went to live
246
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,604
with a rich lady
in a castle.
247
00:11:44,637 --> 00:11:45,605
It's okay, Eli.
248
00:11:45,638 --> 00:11:47,707
Don't touch me.
249
00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:52,112
(sighs):
Oh!
250
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:53,113
Oh, my gosh.
251
00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:56,183
What a beautiful
dad-free morning.
252
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:57,617
Oh, it was so nice
253
00:11:57,650 --> 00:11:59,753
not to wake up at 5:30 a.m.
254
00:11:59,787 --> 00:12:02,289
with a blast of I Love Lucy
followed by someone yelling,
255
00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:03,791
"Women aren't funny!"
256
00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:05,525
(Warner chuckles)
257
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:09,129
It's so great not coming home
to a 68-year-old man
258
00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:11,264
stuck in your doggy door.
(laughs)
259
00:12:11,298 --> 00:12:14,534
Wait... so your dads are just
gone and you guys don't care?
260
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:15,535
Oh, no, no, no, no.
261
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:16,636
We'll clear all this up
262
00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:18,038
and get 'em back
in a couple of weeks,
263
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,140
or however long it takes
to fill out the one-page form.
264
00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:21,374
Right, yeah.
265
00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:22,542
Well, don't wait too long.
266
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:23,877
Elder foster care is crazy.
267
00:12:23,911 --> 00:12:25,212
I saw this thing on the news
268
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:27,047
where they drugged them
and fed them dog food.
269
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,716
Hey, some of that dog food
on TV looks pretty good.
270
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,585
Like that one with
the real chunks of sirloin. Mmm.
271
00:12:32,619 --> 00:12:34,621
I mean, I know it costs more
than regular dog food,
272
00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:36,656
but I'm worth it.
273
00:12:36,689 --> 00:12:39,492
"Elder foster care abuse."
274
00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:41,061
Oh, my God...
275
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:42,295
Wait, look at these pictures.
276
00:12:42,329 --> 00:12:44,331
Wow, she's right.
277
00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:45,999
Ew.
278
00:12:46,033 --> 00:12:48,235
Oh, gross.
279
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,570
BOTH:
Ew!
280
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,973
Oh, no, this lady's got
a smile on her face.
281
00:12:53,006 --> 00:12:54,607
Wait, that's not her face.
282
00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:57,110
BOTH:
Ew!
283
00:12:57,144 --> 00:12:58,912
Oh, my God.
284
00:12:58,946 --> 00:13:01,781
Hey, what if...
some sadistic monster
285
00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:04,151
is torturing
our dads right now?
286
00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:07,254
* So welcome
to our happy home *
287
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,122
* I am Ben
* And I am Joan
288
00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:11,358
* Your children beat you
black and blue *
289
00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:14,161
* With a book
or with a shoe... *
290
00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:15,362
We get it!
Yeah.
291
00:13:15,395 --> 00:13:17,564
We get it,
you're nice people.
292
00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:20,467
Welcome home.
293
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,269
Oh. (chuckles)
294
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:23,270
This is great.
295
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:24,838
The only time
I get hugged at home
296
00:13:24,872 --> 00:13:27,674
is when they're pushing
my hernia back in.
297
00:13:27,707 --> 00:13:29,276
Ah, ah!
298
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:30,277
Just the woman.
299
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,478
Oh!
Uh, yeah, right.
300
00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:36,516
Hey, Donny and Marie,
where's the bathroom?
301
00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:38,886
Oh! Tinkle Center
is right over here.
302
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:45,658
Wow!
303
00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:47,627
That's the Royal
Flush 3000.
304
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:49,562
Well...
305
00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:52,499
you've got quite
the fecal eye, mister.
306
00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:54,868
You could put a loaf of
French bread down that thing
307
00:13:54,902 --> 00:13:57,470
and find it bobbing in
the ocean, not even bent.
308
00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:59,306
Mm-hmm.
309
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:01,041
Mind if I take
her for a spin?
310
00:14:01,074 --> 00:14:03,576
Oh, sure. Just-just don't flush
it while you're still on it.
311
00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:05,879
It'll suck your heart out.
312
00:14:05,913 --> 00:14:07,547
It already has.
313
00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:15,989
You know,
I once made the mistake
314
00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:19,927
of telling a talking parrot
my credit card number.
315
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,930
$8,000 and
two court cases later,
316
00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:25,098
I have a newfound respect
for the animal kingdom.
317
00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:27,767
Yeah.
318
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,869
You know, animals instinctively
want to entertain us.
319
00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:32,172
That's why bears
love riding bicycles
320
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:33,540
while being whipped.
321
00:14:33,573 --> 00:14:35,008
Hmm?
322
00:14:35,042 --> 00:14:36,443
Well, you're a hoot!
323
00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:38,778
Yeah, you guys
sure are.
324
00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:39,947
And I got to tell you,
325
00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:41,281
"hoot" is the highest
compliment we give.
326
00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:42,549
It's true.
327
00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:44,451
I've only met three hoots
in my entire life,
328
00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:45,953
and I'm looking
at two of 'em.
329
00:14:47,454 --> 00:14:49,957
Uh, excuse me,
where are your, uh, coasters?
330
00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:51,424
Coasters?
331
00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:55,862
You are an enormous
silly goose, mister.
332
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:58,131
You just put your drink
wherever you want.
333
00:14:58,165 --> 00:14:59,199
Really?
334
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:00,467
Mm-hmm.
(laughs)
335
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:02,035
(chuckling)
336
00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:03,303
Huh.
337
00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:05,538
See, we like having
rings on our furniture.
338
00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:07,807
Reminds us of all
the nice older people
339
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,576
we've had the privilege
of sheltering.
340
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:10,477
Huh.
Mm-hmm.
341
00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:11,811
This was Gus.
342
00:15:11,844 --> 00:15:13,080
His daughter hit him
over the head
343
00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:14,614
with a snow shovel.
344
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:16,816
He sure hated Christmas.
(giggles)
345
00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:18,318
All right,
this is Earl.
346
00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:21,321
Earl's daughter
waterboarded him.
347
00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:22,622
That's horrible.
348
00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:26,093
Well, they actually got
some pretty useful information.
349
00:15:27,961 --> 00:15:30,463
Uh, California has
so many weird town names.
350
00:15:30,497 --> 00:15:31,598
I know!
351
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:33,333
"Vista del Negro."
352
00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:36,236
Can they even have that sign?
353
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:37,670
How much further away is it?
354
00:15:37,704 --> 00:15:40,807
The, uh, the Find-a-Phone app
says five miles.
355
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,676
I-I can't get some of those
abuse images out of my head.
356
00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:45,012
Ugh, right?
357
00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:46,279
Especially that one
with the, uh...
358
00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:47,280
Yeah.
359
00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:48,648
Or-or the ones with, uh...
360
00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:50,117
Oh, God, don't remind me.
361
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:50,984
How about that one with...
362
00:15:51,018 --> 00:15:51,985
No, I didn't
see that one.
363
00:15:52,019 --> 00:15:54,654
I didn't see that one.
364
00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:56,623
Nobody better be
sewing our dads together
365
00:15:56,656 --> 00:15:58,625
to make a human centipede.
366
00:15:58,658 --> 00:16:01,794
Actually, you need three
to make a human centipede.
367
00:16:01,828 --> 00:16:04,864
Oh, you're right.
I'm so embarrassed.
368
00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:06,966
Well, I am never gonna fight
with my dad again.
369
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,501
He can even walk in on me
having sex,
370
00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:10,203
and I'm not gonna
yell at him to leave.
371
00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:11,871
Really?
372
00:16:11,904 --> 00:16:14,974
You're going to let
your dad watch you having sex?
373
00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:17,010
Well, he never came to
my Little League games.
374
00:16:17,044 --> 00:16:19,546
It's kind of the same thing.
375
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:21,414
Not really.
376
00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:24,651
Well, the point is,
377
00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:27,520
we are going to be the most
loving and tolerant sons ever.
378
00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:29,056
Hear, hear.
379
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,159
We're never gonna
be like that.
380
00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:33,160
No, no.
381
00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:34,894
But even us just
talking about it
382
00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:36,896
makes us the most
awesome sons ever.
383
00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:38,365
Hear, hear.
Yeah.
384
00:16:38,398 --> 00:16:40,400
No, no, no.
Turn off here, here.
Oh.
385
00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:44,371
Rocky.
Black Swan.
386
00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:45,905
Rocky 2.
All That Jazz.
387
00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:47,374
Rocky 3.
Footloose!
388
00:16:47,407 --> 00:16:49,008
CRAWFORD: Uh, The Last
Temptation of Christ.
389
00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:50,510
Ice Castles!
390
00:16:50,543 --> 00:16:52,045
Yes, Ice Castles!
Yes!
391
00:16:52,079 --> 00:16:53,246
Yes, yes!
Oh, you got it!
Yes!
392
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:54,247
You're so good.
No, you're the good one.
393
00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:55,248
Good.
You're the good one!
394
00:16:55,282 --> 00:16:56,516
I know.
You're the good one.
395
00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:57,584
Okay, who's next?
396
00:16:57,617 --> 00:16:58,918
All right, David,
you are up.
397
00:16:58,951 --> 00:17:00,220
David!
Go, David.
398
00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:01,254
(whoops) Come on,
come on, David.
399
00:17:01,288 --> 00:17:02,322
Come on.
Here we go.
400
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:03,523
All right.
401
00:17:03,556 --> 00:17:05,592
Apollo 13.
CRAWFORD:
No.
402
00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:07,427
Okay.
403
00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:08,495
Again, you're not
supposed to just
404
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:09,729
say the title out
loud, but you...
405
00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:12,099
You know, I'm gonna give
you a point anyway,
406
00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:14,901
'cause this time, you didn't
just throw it into the fire.
407
00:17:14,934 --> 00:17:16,203
What can I say?
408
00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:18,205
I'm having fun.
(laughs)
409
00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:21,074
All right, you sickos,
get away from our dads!
410
00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:23,543
Warner, check to see they
haven't been sewn together.
411
00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:27,614
Oh, I can... I can kind of
see that they haven't.
412
00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:30,183
David, Crawford,
stand behind me.
413
00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:31,518
I will protect you
414
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,553
like a panty shield
of righteousness.
415
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:37,790
And I have put a fresh pea
in my rape whistle,
416
00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:41,361
so it'll be good and loud,
I guarantee you that.
417
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:42,362
It's okay.
We got this.
418
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:43,463
Yeah.
419
00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:45,298
What are you doing here, Eli?
420
00:17:45,332 --> 00:17:46,433
Dad, listen,
421
00:17:46,466 --> 00:17:48,268
I'm sorry that we fought before.
422
00:17:48,301 --> 00:17:51,138
You mean more to me
than most of my towels.
423
00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:53,140
And, Dad,
424
00:17:53,173 --> 00:17:54,807
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
425
00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:56,476
It's just, Camila and I
worry so much
426
00:17:56,509 --> 00:17:58,411
that you're gonna
destroy our home,
427
00:17:58,445 --> 00:18:00,280
business and children,
that we, uh...
428
00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:02,449
we-we overreact.
429
00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:05,285
So come on, we're taking
you guys out of here.
430
00:18:05,318 --> 00:18:06,986
We'll sort it out with
Social Services in the morning.
431
00:18:07,019 --> 00:18:08,955
Let's go.
No, thanks.
432
00:18:08,988 --> 00:18:09,656
What do you mean?
433
00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:10,957
We like it here.
434
00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:13,326
And we are no longer
a burden to you.
435
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,495
Wait... come on.
436
00:18:15,528 --> 00:18:17,164
This isn't about
your happiness.
437
00:18:17,197 --> 00:18:18,831
This is about our
guilty conscience.
438
00:18:18,865 --> 00:18:20,500
So let's go.
439
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:22,335
They haven't even met
their roommates.
440
00:18:22,369 --> 00:18:24,003
They're a couple of hoots.
441
00:18:24,036 --> 00:18:27,006
Now you're up to four hoots,
and you've lost my trust.
442
00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:28,975
Wait a minute.
443
00:18:29,008 --> 00:18:30,143
What roommates?
444
00:18:30,177 --> 00:18:32,845
Us.
445
00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:36,015
Who the hell are they?
446
00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:37,517
Our mothers.
447
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:40,853
I'll take Country Club,
you take Bowling Alley.
448
00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:43,490
Yeah.
449
00:18:43,523 --> 00:18:47,194
They moved in a year ago
for "just a few days."
450
00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:48,695
Wait a minute.
451
00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:51,364
You're trying to fix up
our dads with your moms?
452
00:18:51,398 --> 00:18:52,532
We need someone
to marry them
453
00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:53,966
to get them out
of our house.
Yeah.
454
00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:56,369
Come on, let's get
out of here.
455
00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:59,138
Hey, not so fast.
456
00:18:59,172 --> 00:19:02,742
My secret garden
needs tending.
457
00:19:07,414 --> 00:19:09,182
Go! Go, go, go, go, go!
458
00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:10,383
Dad, Dad, Dad!
459
00:19:10,417 --> 00:19:11,851
You can stop saying that.
460
00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:14,721
We've been driving
for a half hour.
461
00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:17,557
I'm sorry, I'm just
so full of adrenaline.
462
00:19:17,590 --> 00:19:20,460
Yeah, I can't believe
you hit that woman.
463
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:22,229
Yeah.
(laughs)
464
00:19:22,262 --> 00:19:24,264
I feel like Sean Connery.
465
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:31,338
I'm still not sure
that was a woman.
466
00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:43,583
Excuse me,
I'm here...
467
00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:45,252
Hang on, I'm not
done with this story
468
00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:47,086
about Kelly Clarkson
finding true love.
469
00:19:48,221 --> 00:19:50,423
Aw...
470
00:19:50,457 --> 00:19:51,724
Oh, my God.
471
00:19:51,758 --> 00:19:53,760
Why didn't you say
you were hot?
472
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:55,928
I'm just here to inspect
your fire extinguisher.
473
00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:57,397
Oh, I better help you.
474
00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:59,399
It's really hard to find.
475
00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:01,434
There it is.
Hmm?
476
00:20:03,470 --> 00:20:07,874
Uh... yeah, that...
that might be it.
477
00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:09,442
All you guys
are so brave.
478
00:20:09,476 --> 00:20:11,778
I-I have a cousin who's a
firefighter in Vista Del Negro.
479
00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:13,913
Oh, well, I love
Vista Del Negro.
480
00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:16,283
I live one town over
in Yorba Vulva.
481
00:20:19,452 --> 00:20:21,721
We're back!
(whoops)
482
00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:22,889
(whoops)
Operation:
Rescue Dads
483
00:20:22,922 --> 00:20:24,291
From Nice People
With Creepy Moms
484
00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:27,093
was a huge success!
485
00:20:27,126 --> 00:20:29,296
So you guys enjoying
having your dads back?
486
00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:32,432
Yeah. And the neighbors missed
my dad's robe blowing open
487
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:34,567
when he gets the paper.
488
00:20:34,601 --> 00:20:36,369
Yeah, my dad flooded
the bathroom this morning
489
00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:39,472
trying to flush a loaf of
French bread down the toilet.
490
00:20:39,506 --> 00:20:40,940
He just kept flushing
and yelling,
491
00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:43,075
"You can do it!
You can do it!"
492
00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:47,447
(Edna speaking angrily
in Spanish)
Speak of the devil.
493
00:20:49,349 --> 00:20:50,317
Hey.
494
00:20:50,350 --> 00:20:52,452
Hey, hey!
What's going on?
495
00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:55,822
Mr. Eli, your father won't
let me watch my favorite show:
496
00:20:55,855 --> 00:20:59,158
The Real Housewives
of Guadalajara.
497
00:20:59,191 --> 00:21:01,961
I want to watch
Homeland.
498
00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:03,496
EDNA:
Always same!
499
00:21:03,530 --> 00:21:05,965
"I crazy, I crazy..."
500
00:21:05,998 --> 00:21:08,768
Ka-boom!
501
00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:10,637
Guys, we live in the future.
502
00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:12,271
We can DVR both shows.
503
00:21:12,305 --> 00:21:14,341
What?
¿Que?
504
00:21:14,374 --> 00:21:15,875
FIREMAN:
Okay...
505
00:21:16,843 --> 00:21:19,479
¡Inmigración!
506
00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:25,051
(grunting)
507
00:21:31,391 --> 00:21:33,360
They never take Edna alive!
508
00:21:33,393 --> 00:21:36,128
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