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1
00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:03,504
Dads is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:03,537 --> 00:00:05,873
Morning.
Morning, gang.
3
00:00:05,906 --> 00:00:08,176
Hump day! Let's do it.
4
00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:09,510
It's Monday.
5
00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:11,712
Yup.
6
00:00:14,382 --> 00:00:16,550
Well, I'm gonna take lunch.
7
00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:20,654
Oh, I had the worst night
last night.
8
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,056
(groans) Me, too.
9
00:00:22,090 --> 00:00:24,225
I was visiting my sick aunt
in the hospital.
10
00:00:24,258 --> 00:00:25,593
Aw.
Yeah.
11
00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:27,528
I was at a play.
(loud groan)
12
00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:30,698
Yeah.
Plays are the worst.
13
00:00:30,731 --> 00:00:32,366
She's been upgraded to critical.
14
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:34,768
Thanks for asking.
15
00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:37,571
So, the play, was it, uh,
bad Southern accents
16
00:00:37,605 --> 00:00:38,939
or bad British accents?
17
00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:42,776
Southern.
It was Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
18
00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:45,446
Gosh, it's just three hours of
people fake-fanning themselves.
19
00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:50,418
(Southern accent):
I declare it's so hot
on this tin roof.
20
00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:52,120
I can't tell you how many actors
21
00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:53,621
were drinking
from empty glasses.
22
00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:54,888
(Southern accent):
Oh, I'm really thirsty.
23
00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:56,090
I think I'm gonna drink
24
00:00:56,124 --> 00:00:58,926
from this big glass of nothing.
25
00:00:58,959 --> 00:01:00,060
I hate when
they pretend to drive
26
00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:01,362
and just steer way too much.
27
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:03,731
Like every road is
constantly curvy.
28
00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:06,434
(laughing)
29
00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:08,269
The worst is when they,
when they walk down the aisles
30
00:01:08,302 --> 00:01:09,803
and they act to you.
31
00:01:09,837 --> 00:01:11,939
When I was a kid,
I went and saw Godspell.
32
00:01:11,972 --> 00:01:14,775
Uh, they tried to pull me
on stage and I punched Jesus.
33
00:01:14,808 --> 00:01:16,043
(laughs)
34
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,078
Oh, you know what
else is terrible?
35
00:01:18,112 --> 00:01:20,148
This is a lightning storm.
36
00:01:20,181 --> 00:01:21,615
Oh, no!
37
00:01:21,649 --> 00:01:22,716
Oh, no, the thunder!
38
00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:25,253
You better get
your umbrella!
39
00:01:25,286 --> 00:01:26,420
Oh, my God.
40
00:01:26,454 --> 00:01:27,888
I think I'm gonna stay inside
41
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,358
and just drink
from this big glass of nothing!
42
00:01:31,859 --> 00:01:35,196
Wow!
Did you see that lightning?
43
00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:39,367
I'm gonna call it a day
before the rains come.
44
00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:45,839
* Daddy took me to the zoo
45
00:01:45,873 --> 00:01:47,808
* Na, na, na, na *
46
00:01:47,841 --> 00:01:51,912
* Just to see
something brand-new *
47
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:53,981
* Na, na, na, ooh *
48
00:01:54,014 --> 00:01:58,118
* So many stars up in the sky
49
00:01:58,152 --> 00:02:02,623
* So many questions have I
50
00:02:02,656 --> 00:02:04,692
* Na, na, na, na *
51
00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:07,495
* Daddy took me for a ride.
52
00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:13,501
I had so much fun at
that play last night.
53
00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:15,269
Didn't you?
54
00:02:15,303 --> 00:02:16,504
Yeah, I'm always so happy
55
00:02:16,537 --> 00:02:19,006
when I leave the theater.
56
00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:20,674
You know,
57
00:02:20,708 --> 00:02:22,843
I was thinking I might
audition for a play.
58
00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:25,078
(gasps):
That's a great idea!
59
00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:29,550
You should totally do that.
60
00:02:30,718 --> 00:02:32,286
Honey, honey...
61
00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:33,854
why the sudden need
to be interested in things?
62
00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:36,824
Don't I give you enough money
during the week?
63
00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:39,860
I just... I spend so much time
with housekeeping
64
00:02:39,893 --> 00:02:41,395
and with the kids.
65
00:02:41,429 --> 00:02:42,863
And you're so good at it.
66
00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:44,832
Keep it up.
67
00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:47,535
Warner, I could really use
a creative outlet in my life.
68
00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:48,969
Okay, 80 more dollars a week,
69
00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:51,672
but I can't go
any higher than that.
70
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:53,907
Ooh, I could just come back
to work with you guys.
71
00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:55,142
No!
No!
72
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,877
I thought so. Thanks, honey.
73
00:02:56,910 --> 00:02:58,579
Yeah, okay, um...
74
00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:05,219
So...
75
00:03:05,253 --> 00:03:07,355
working late...
76
00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:09,390
dinner, just
the two of us.
77
00:03:09,423 --> 00:03:11,225
It's kind of like a date.
78
00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:13,361
(slurping)
79
00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:20,768
Ah!
80
00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:23,070
This is work.
You are paying me to be here.
81
00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:25,239
That's a date in Vegas.
82
00:03:27,275 --> 00:03:29,977
Me hate you long time.
83
00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:32,212
See you tomorrow.
84
00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:33,247
It's a date.
85
00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:34,214
DAVID: Ow!
86
00:03:34,248 --> 00:03:35,916
Ow, ow, ow!
Hey! Hey!
87
00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:38,185
Ow, ow!
Hey, hey! Hey.
88
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,753
What are you two
even doing down here?
89
00:03:39,787 --> 00:03:42,790
He disgusting pig-man.
90
00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:44,091
Come on, guys, come on,
whatever it is,
91
00:03:44,124 --> 00:03:45,559
I'm sure it's not
that a big a deal.
92
00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:47,961
I may have brought bedbugs
into our home.
93
00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:49,229
I will bite you!
94
00:03:49,263 --> 00:03:50,230
Eli!
95
00:03:50,264 --> 00:03:51,565
No, no!
96
00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:52,733
Eli.
97
00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:55,269
He not worth it, man.
98
00:04:00,841 --> 00:04:02,610
How did you even get bedbugs?
99
00:04:02,643 --> 00:04:05,646
Well, it may have happened
when I tried on fur coats
100
00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:08,716
at the thrift shop.
101
00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:10,418
Or when I took a nap
102
00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:13,754
on that couch near the Dumpster.
103
00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,122
Or when I was shirtless
104
00:04:15,155 --> 00:04:17,190
on the bus.
105
00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:21,829
Why did you do any
of those things?
106
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:25,666
I'm a different guy
when I leave the house.
107
00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:44,685
David!
108
00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:47,020
That's my desk.
109
00:04:47,054 --> 00:04:50,391
Well, la-dee-da.
110
00:04:57,465 --> 00:04:58,799
What is going on?
111
00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:00,334
My father brought bedbugs
into our house,
112
00:05:00,368 --> 00:05:02,269
so we have to spend
the week here.
113
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,372
Unless of course you'd like
114
00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:06,874
to have me to sleep
at your place.
115
00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:09,577
Sorry, my lease says "no kids."
116
00:05:13,714 --> 00:05:15,883
(cell phone ringing)
117
00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:20,354
Hi, honey.
118
00:05:20,388 --> 00:05:21,689
Hey, sweetie.
Guess what?
119
00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:23,056
What?
120
00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:24,825
I got the lead
in the play!
121
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:27,495
(giggling)
122
00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:31,031
Oh, my God.
123
00:05:31,064 --> 00:05:32,700
I knew you'd be so excited.
124
00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:34,535
I need you to thank Eli for me
125
00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:36,537
because I wouldn't have done
this without his encouragement.
126
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:37,871
Oh, yeah, he's right here.
127
00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:39,072
I-I'll thank him right now.
128
00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:40,273
Eli?
129
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:58,892
Okay. Thanks for helping
me rehearse, baby.
130
00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:00,928
Yeah, it's the
perfect capper
131
00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:03,831
to a ten-hour workday.
132
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,733
Okay, you play Casper.
133
00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:06,900
Casper.
134
00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:10,037
"A 30-something
headstrong Albanian.
135
00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:12,072
"He gives and takes
guff equally,
136
00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:15,709
making him guff-neutral."
137
00:06:15,743 --> 00:06:18,579
Okay.
138
00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:21,582
"Promise me you won't get mad,
dear Casper."
139
00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:24,384
"I can't promise that any more
than the hawk can promise
140
00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:26,386
the chicken to be true."
141
00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:27,455
(laughing)
142
00:06:27,488 --> 00:06:29,389
Seriously?
143
00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:30,924
Yes, seriously.
144
00:06:30,958 --> 00:06:32,059
Let's keep going, okay?
Okay.
145
00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:34,394
"I parked your scooter
146
00:06:34,428 --> 00:06:37,297
under a tree and got sap on it."
147
00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:41,234
"Don't gasp about past sap.
148
00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:42,703
"And don't grasp my arm
149
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,872
like a rat bastard
pastor, Casper."
150
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,740
Wow, that's gonna be
a tough line to learn.
151
00:06:46,774 --> 00:06:48,108
Yeah.
(quietly): Pastor...
152
00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:50,143
Uh, Camila, you know,
I'd love to do this,
153
00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:52,412
but I got laundry
and I got to make dinner
154
00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:53,814
and I got to reassure
our children
155
00:06:53,847 --> 00:06:56,450
that Mommy still
loves them, okay?
Well...
156
00:06:56,484 --> 00:06:58,118
we just started.
157
00:06:58,151 --> 00:06:59,953
I have to learn all these lines.
158
00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:01,722
I can help you, Camila.
159
00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:03,824
Really?
Mm-hmm.
160
00:07:03,857 --> 00:07:05,559
Were you watching us
silently again?
161
00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:07,661
I've told you several times
to stop doing that.
162
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,731
Well, I was supposed
to be playing golf,
163
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,833
but they kicked me out
after I accidentally
164
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:15,235
drove a ball
into a child's back.
165
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,337
(chuckles)
166
00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:18,739
Casper, huh?
167
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:21,341
Uh, by the way,
I'm passing a stone,
168
00:07:21,374 --> 00:07:24,645
so if I start
screaming, duck.
169
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:43,831
Let me know if
I'm in your way.
170
00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:45,999
No, you're good.
171
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:50,003
Hey.
172
00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:51,138
Hey.
Hey.
173
00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:52,372
Sorry I'm late.
174
00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:55,543
I was driving my kids
to preschool.
175
00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:57,978
I had to teach myself
how to change a dirty diaper
176
00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:00,147
on the side of the freeway.
177
00:08:16,697 --> 00:08:18,198
Thank you.
178
00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:25,238
Why did we have
to get here so early?
179
00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:29,042
Well, I like to marvel
at the curtain.
180
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:33,346
That is one
hell of a curtain.
181
00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:36,349
Hey, hey...
that's my armrest!
182
00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:39,352
That's my armrest.
183
00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:42,089
Let's Rock, Paper, Scissor
for it.
184
00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:45,693
In Mexico,
is Donkey, Pistol, Sombrero.
185
00:08:47,127 --> 00:08:49,096
How does that work?
186
00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:50,363
Pistol shoot donkey,
187
00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:51,932
donkey stomp sombrero,
188
00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:54,534
sombrero cover pistol.
189
00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:56,336
All right.
190
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:57,738
Ready?
191
00:08:57,771 --> 00:09:00,407
Uno, dos, tres.
One, two, three.
192
00:09:12,753 --> 00:09:15,823
Okay, your armrest.
193
00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:20,928
Well, it appears
194
00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:24,464
as though fate has thrown
us together again.
195
00:09:24,497 --> 00:09:27,134
We're a regular
Gnomeo and Juliet.
196
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:28,936
Oh, ha-ha!
197
00:09:28,969 --> 00:09:30,470
It's only our second date,
198
00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:32,372
and already we sound like
an old married couple.
199
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:33,874
Hey, don't try and fool me
200
00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:37,745
with the "vagina in the
popcorn trick," okay?
201
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:42,115
MAN:
Ladies and gentlemen,
202
00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:43,884
we have some bad news.
203
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,553
Our lead actor's been
in a serious car accident.
204
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:47,788
Yes!
(crowd groaning)
205
00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:50,090
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
206
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:51,659
Sorry.
207
00:09:51,692 --> 00:09:53,794
So in the grand tradition
of show business,
208
00:09:53,827 --> 00:09:56,764
tonight's performance
is cancelled.
209
00:09:56,797 --> 00:10:00,067
I'm sorry.
(audience groans)
210
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,069
Congratulations, honey--
dream achieved!
211
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:04,905
I'll meet you at the car, okay?
212
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,339
Crawford, hey!
213
00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:07,675
You rehearsed with me for hours.
214
00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:09,609
You know all the lines.
215
00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:10,944
Yeah, I do.
216
00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:12,112
I mean, sometimes
it's hard to tell
217
00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:15,048
where I end and Casper begins.
218
00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:17,450
Well, come on!
219
00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:18,786
Yeah, oh, go, go, Crawford.
Ándele. Andele.
220
00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:20,320
Crawford, you should
totally do it.
221
00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:22,422
No, no, no, please...
(all encouraging Crawford)
222
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:23,691
ELI:
Get up on stage!
Dad, Dad, please don't.
223
00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:24,758
Please don't, Dad.
224
00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:25,859
I'll do it.
225
00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:29,062
(applause)
226
00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:33,500
Great!
227
00:10:33,533 --> 00:10:35,703
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
228
00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:38,305
kindly join us
on a magical journey
229
00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:41,709
to 1960's North Dakota!
230
00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:42,976
(blows air)
231
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:47,715
MAN:
Letters!
232
00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:50,517
Letters!
233
00:10:50,550 --> 00:10:53,053
Letter for you, sir.
234
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,487
Don't. I will punch you.
235
00:10:54,521 --> 00:10:57,657
Ask Jesus.
236
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:11,638
Sure is quiet out
here on the road.
237
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:15,008
You know, sometimes
when it's late at night,
238
00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:17,177
I blame myself
239
00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:19,312
for the helicopter crash.
240
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:22,015
Oh, God,
241
00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:24,051
why did you take Alfred?
242
00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:26,987
I miss Alfred something fierce.
243
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:30,858
I have loved you
since you were eight.
244
00:11:43,971 --> 00:11:47,407
What the hell kind
of play is this?
245
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:54,581
A Thousand Kisses
Before Midnight?
246
00:11:56,583 --> 00:11:58,752
Well, that's one.
247
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:10,063
So, other than that,
Mrs. Lincoln,
248
00:12:10,097 --> 00:12:13,000
how was the play?
249
00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:17,404
Look at it this way.
250
00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:20,908
What way?
251
00:12:20,941 --> 00:12:22,910
Drunk.
252
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:25,879
Warner...
253
00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:27,981
your father,
he give to your wife
254
00:12:28,015 --> 00:12:30,117
the ol' chorizo.
255
00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:34,888
This is not the answer.
256
00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:37,324
Mm-mm.
257
00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:39,392
Hey, guys, let's hear it
258
00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:40,961
for the hottest couple
259
00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:43,496
in show business!
(all cheering)
260
00:12:44,664 --> 00:12:46,233
Thanks, everybody.
Thank you, you guys.
261
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,667
Thanks.
Sorry, I'm so sorry we're late.
262
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:50,938
I had to stop for
some lip balm.
263
00:12:52,339 --> 00:12:53,773
Yeah, she had kind
of a rough go
264
00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:56,443
with the ol' San Francisco
whisker splitter.
265
00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:59,346
Thank you guys so
much for coming.
266
00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:00,647
It means so much to me.
267
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,249
But I just, I really
want to thank
268
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:04,251
my wonderful husband
for all his support.
269
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:06,319
Oh, no, no, no, no.
270
00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:09,256
No, no, no-no-no,
no-no-no-no, no.
271
00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:11,624
You kissed my dad.
272
00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:13,626
A thousand times.
273
00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:15,195
(laughing)
274
00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:17,497
It was a play.
275
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:18,866
It's fake.
Yeah.
276
00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:22,102
He faked his tongue
in your mouth?
277
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:25,472
Warner, we leave our libidos
in the dressing room.
278
00:13:25,505 --> 00:13:30,243
I doubt I was more
than 30% aroused.
279
00:13:32,846 --> 00:13:36,649
Camila, I... I knew this play
would screw up our lives.
280
00:13:36,683 --> 00:13:37,684
I'm-I'm sorry,
281
00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:40,220
but you have to stop.
282
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:41,388
What? No, no!
283
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:43,456
You encouraged me to do this.
284
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:45,558
I was only pretend encouraging.
285
00:13:45,592 --> 00:13:47,394
I was acting!
286
00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:49,529
Oh, well, I was acting, too.
287
00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:51,999
Oh! Oh, so as long
as it's a play,
288
00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:53,366
we're allowed
to kiss anybody we want?
289
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:54,501
That's the new rule?
290
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:55,668
Ladies and gentlemen!
291
00:13:55,702 --> 00:13:57,704
A play called
Kissing Edna
292
00:13:57,737 --> 00:13:59,072
by Warner Whittemore.
293
00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:16,756
How do you like that?
294
00:14:16,789 --> 00:14:19,359
I like it good!
295
00:14:29,436 --> 00:14:31,771
(snoring softly)
296
00:14:31,804 --> 00:14:34,407
Girls suck, huh?
297
00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:39,079
Totally.
298
00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:44,884
Maybe I should
just apologize.
299
00:14:44,918 --> 00:14:46,353
No!
300
00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:47,955
No, no, no, no, no.
301
00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:50,924
Let me tell you, as
a never-married man,
302
00:14:50,958 --> 00:14:53,126
you hold all the cards.
303
00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:56,763
How do you figure?
304
00:14:56,796 --> 00:14:58,631
Well, because no one
is gonna want to
305
00:14:58,665 --> 00:15:03,036
marry a woman
with three kids.
306
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:04,371
Okay, we have two kids.
307
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:05,939
Damn it!
I almost said two.
308
00:15:05,973 --> 00:15:07,540
It's okay.
309
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:08,641
It's just that,
you know,
310
00:15:08,675 --> 00:15:10,877
ever since my dad
moved in, I...
311
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:11,945
I feel like my marriage
312
00:15:11,979 --> 00:15:13,613
is just getting
worse and worse.
313
00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:15,115
Hey, hey, hey.
314
00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:16,950
You can't blame your dad
for ruining your life.
315
00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:17,917
Dad,
316
00:15:17,951 --> 00:15:19,919
are you awake?
317
00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:22,122
(snoring)
318
00:15:24,324 --> 00:15:27,094
Our dads are totally
ruining our lives.
319
00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:28,661
It is a nightmare.
320
00:15:28,695 --> 00:15:29,629
Aha!
321
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:32,332
(both scream)
322
00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:38,405
You fell for the old fake snore.
323
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:40,507
You do that?
324
00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:43,410
I've been fake snoring
my whole life.
325
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:45,012
That's how I found out
326
00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:47,314
my platoon was
planning to kill me.
327
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,825
Hey.
Hey.
328
00:15:58,858 --> 00:16:00,127
What are you doing back here?
329
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:01,461
I'm not staying.
330
00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:03,663
I just forgot my retainer.
331
00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:09,269
Okay, how long are
you going to keep
acting like this?
332
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,538
How long are you going
to keep Frenching my dad?
333
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:16,176
You know, if you
would have
rehearsed with me,
334
00:16:16,209 --> 00:16:17,977
it would have been
you Frenching me,
335
00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:20,013
but you couldn't
find the time.
336
00:16:20,047 --> 00:16:23,216
What time
do I have?
337
00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:26,053
I-I like the system we
used to have together.
338
00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:27,387
Oh!
339
00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:28,988
The one where
I do everything
340
00:16:29,022 --> 00:16:30,890
and you do nothing?
341
00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:32,125
There you go.
342
00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:33,326
Partners.
343
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,328
Unbelievable.
344
00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:39,166
I've done everything
for five years.
345
00:16:39,199 --> 00:16:41,068
Okay.
346
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:43,670
Okay, I know about
your naps, all right?
347
00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:46,073
Well, I know about you
parking down the street
348
00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:47,707
and waiting for
the kids' baths to be done
349
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:48,875
before you come home.
350
00:16:48,908 --> 00:16:50,377
Oh! Great mother!
351
00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:51,711
Looking out
the window
352
00:16:51,744 --> 00:16:53,012
while your kid's
in the tub!
353
00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:54,481
Yeah! Right on!
354
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,583
And what about
this pigsty, huh?
355
00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:58,851
It's like a tornado
came in here.
356
00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:00,420
Right here.
357
00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:02,389
This plate... it's like
I can't find anything!
358
00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:03,923
Okay.
359
00:17:03,956 --> 00:17:05,024
Okay, seriously,
360
00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:06,593
if you can't support me
361
00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:09,162
when I do one thing for myself,
362
00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:11,798
why are we even together?
363
00:17:12,732 --> 00:17:14,033
Tax purposes?
364
00:17:14,067 --> 00:17:15,568
Get out.
365
00:17:15,602 --> 00:17:17,237
Fine, I'm gonna...
366
00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:18,938
take my retainer
and go to the office
367
00:17:18,971 --> 00:17:21,241
and live with my friends.
368
00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:24,377
Say good-bye to the greatest man
you've ever loved.
369
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:31,584
And never go to the bathroom
without a buddy.
370
00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:34,854
And always carry a flashlight.
371
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:37,023
If you don't have a flashlight,
372
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:39,159
you can buy one from my canteen.
373
00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:45,532
I also have candy bars,
$4.00.
374
00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:46,866
Four dollars?
375
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,701
Five.
Five?
376
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,504
Six.
You see how this works?
377
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:54,040
I'm not hungry.
378
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:56,309
And remember, the key
to drying your underwear
379
00:17:56,343 --> 00:17:58,145
is keeping them on that vent.
380
00:17:58,178 --> 00:18:01,314
It turns on every half hour.
381
00:18:01,348 --> 00:18:04,117
(whirring)
382
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:08,788
It's also sort of
become the unofficial flag
383
00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:10,990
of our new office society.
384
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,328
I can't believe
I have to live here.
385
00:18:15,362 --> 00:18:16,496
Are you kidding?
386
00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:17,630
This is a great life.
387
00:18:17,664 --> 00:18:18,731
Sleeping on the floor,
388
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:21,100
vending machine
dinners...
389
00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:23,303
Hey...
390
00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:24,437
What are you
doing here?
391
00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:25,805
My parents have been staying
392
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:27,507
in my one-room apartment
with me all week.
393
00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:28,941
Why don't they just
stay in a hotel?
394
00:18:28,975 --> 00:18:31,778
Asian.
395
00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:33,746
Why don't you just
stay in a hotel?
396
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:36,183
Asian.
397
00:18:37,384 --> 00:18:40,587
Wait, why aren't you guys
at a hotel?
398
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:43,290
Jewish.
Jewish.
399
00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:47,794
Warner...
400
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:49,996
Dad, I've got nothing
to say to you.
401
00:18:50,029 --> 00:18:52,765
You know, it seems like
ever since that play,
402
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:54,967
something is bugging you.
403
00:18:58,004 --> 00:19:00,473
You made out with my wife
404
00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:01,808
in front of everybody I know,
405
00:19:01,841 --> 00:19:03,343
and you keep doing it
406
00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:04,544
every night.
407
00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:08,181
And you've never
thanked me for it.
408
00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:11,117
You know, son, you...
409
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,820
you have got to be more
attentive as a husband.
410
00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:16,356
My marriage didn't work out
411
00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:17,690
because I got in the way
412
00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:19,058
of what your mother wanted.
413
00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:20,527
What did she want?
414
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:23,162
A divorce.
415
00:19:23,196 --> 00:19:25,532
Do you know
how-how gross it is
416
00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:28,167
to-to see your dad
kissing your wife?
417
00:19:28,201 --> 00:19:30,503
It's a... it's an image
I can't get out of my head.
418
00:19:30,537 --> 00:19:33,072
Okay, how about
this image, then?
419
00:19:33,105 --> 00:19:36,376
Your wife packing her bags
and leaving.
420
00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:39,579
Because that is exactly
what is going to happen
421
00:19:39,612 --> 00:19:42,014
if you don't let her
follow her dreams.
422
00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:46,919
I got to go apologize.
Mm-hmm.
423
00:19:46,953 --> 00:19:48,821
I guess there-there
are worse things
424
00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:52,124
than your dad
kissing your wife.
425
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:54,827
Warner?
Yeah?
426
00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:57,897
I think I pregnant.
427
00:20:05,472 --> 00:20:07,574
So, how'd it
go at home?
428
00:20:07,607 --> 00:20:10,009
Good.
Things back on
track with Camila?
429
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:10,943
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
430
00:20:10,977 --> 00:20:12,545
Last night, I, uh...
431
00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:17,250
I actually kissed one
of my dad's mustache hairs
432
00:20:17,284 --> 00:20:19,252
out of my wife's mouth.
433
00:20:19,286 --> 00:20:22,088
(coughing)
434
00:20:23,656 --> 00:20:24,924
But I'm...
435
00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:27,126
I'm o... I'm okay.
436
00:20:28,461 --> 00:20:30,997
There's worse places
you could have found it.
437
00:20:32,932 --> 00:20:36,303
So, when are you... when are you
moving back upstairs?
438
00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:39,272
Tonight. Just have a few
loose ends to tie up here.
439
00:20:39,306 --> 00:20:41,441
(sighs)
440
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:46,579
It's time.
441
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:50,950
(bugle playing)
442
00:21:16,809 --> 00:21:18,945
(bugle continues playing)
443
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,050
Take your hat off, jerk.
444
00:21:26,018 --> 00:21:27,920
(bugle call ends)
445
00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:30,523
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