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1
00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:04,705
Dads is recorded in front of
a live studio audience.
2
00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:08,309
(sighs)
3
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:10,178
Dad, I know how much
that excites your nipples,
4
00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:12,413
but please get
out of my way.
5
00:00:14,215 --> 00:00:16,250
I need the light; I was
reading the newspaper.
6
00:00:16,284 --> 00:00:18,186
What?
Get out of here.
7
00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:20,821
You are in my way
every morning.
8
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:22,523
You're in my way every morning.
9
00:00:22,556 --> 00:00:24,392
I have to work,
you have nothing.
I do stuff.
10
00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:26,360
Ask Edna.
11
00:00:26,394 --> 00:00:27,461
He do nothing.
12
00:00:29,797 --> 00:00:31,699
Get out of the house.
13
00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:34,001
It's San Francisco;
there's so much to see.
14
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:35,236
You can go to Alcatraz.
15
00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:36,404
I don't need to see a prison.
16
00:00:36,437 --> 00:00:39,107
I was married to your mother.
17
00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:41,109
See the trolley cars.
18
00:00:41,142 --> 00:00:43,611
No, thanks, I'm straight.
19
00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:45,346
Chinatown?
20
00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:48,882
All Chinatowns look alike to me.
21
00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:50,551
Whatever, Dad,
you can't keep doing this.
22
00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:51,619
I'm gonna be late for work.
23
00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,787
You work two floors down.
24
00:00:53,821 --> 00:00:56,324
Yeah, but I still have to eat
and then I have to shower.
25
00:01:01,129 --> 00:01:04,165
Okay, you good to go.
26
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:10,271
* Daddy took me to the zoo
27
00:01:10,304 --> 00:01:12,240
* Na, na, na, na *
28
00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:16,310
* Just to see
something brand-new *
29
00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:18,412
* Na, na, na *
30
00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:22,583
* So many stars up in the sky
31
00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:27,054
* So many questions have I
32
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:29,157
* Na, na, na, na *
33
00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:32,860
* Daddy took me for a ride.
34
00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:37,998
Look, I-I know you're
really upset that Eli ended
35
00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:40,401
the relationship,
but I can assure you,
36
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:42,903
he-he had the best intentions.
37
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,605
Where is that coward?
38
00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:46,440
WARNER:
Well, see, I'm here
39
00:01:46,474 --> 00:01:47,908
to break up with you for him,
40
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:50,311
so if there's anything
you want to say to him,
41
00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:52,180
you can say to me.
42
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:55,349
Hmm, well said.
43
00:01:55,383 --> 00:01:56,884
Anything else?
44
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:00,954
I think I've heard enough.
45
00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:04,292
Uh, here's a-- whoo--
generous severance check
46
00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:05,659
and a free
47
00:02:05,693 --> 00:02:08,629
Ghost Child Games T-shirt
for you.
48
00:02:12,833 --> 00:02:15,936
Eli, you've got to stop
banging our assistants.
49
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:18,206
She could sue us
and we'd all be done.
50
00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:20,841
Um, I could sue her sweater
for misrepresenting her boobs,
51
00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:22,676
and I'd win.
52
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,313
And then I would make
a triumphant speech
53
00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:26,880
on the courthouse steps.
54
00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:31,352
"Today is a great day for
honest boobs everywhere."
55
00:02:31,385 --> 00:02:34,188
(imitating echo):
Everywhere, everywhere.
56
00:02:34,222 --> 00:02:36,123
Eli, this isn't funny.
57
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,625
People are saying
that you're sexist.
58
00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,693
Yeah, but they're all
women, so who cares?
59
00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:43,631
No, we had to hire
a new HR lady because of you.
60
00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:45,699
Trust me, you do not want
to deal with the new HR woman.
61
00:02:45,733 --> 00:02:47,034
She is mean.
62
00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:50,671
She fired Dick
just for introducing himself.
63
00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,508
This girl today
wasn't my fault.
64
00:02:54,542 --> 00:02:56,577
She was so annoying.
How?
65
00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:58,679
She would describe her
dreams to me every morning.
66
00:02:58,712 --> 00:03:00,214
Oh, God, I hate it
when my wife does that.
67
00:03:00,248 --> 00:03:01,215
Right?
Yeah, it's awful.
68
00:03:01,249 --> 00:03:02,350
Yeah.
69
00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:03,351
I mean, do you do that?
70
00:03:03,384 --> 00:03:04,352
Asians don't dream.
71
00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:07,154
It's a waste of time.
72
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:10,491
I think Martin Luther King
would disagree with you.
73
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:13,093
Am I right?
74
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,898
And you were there,
too, but it wasn't
75
00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:20,668
really you, and we were falling
and we tried to scream,
76
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,336
but nothing was coming out.
77
00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:23,671
That's weird, huh?
78
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:27,608
Hmm, that's so interesting
and special.
79
00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:29,610
Thank you, guys,
for having me over.
80
00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:31,412
I really couldn't
stand another night
81
00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:35,349
of watching Cinemax with my
dad with our legs touching.
82
00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:37,351
You know, Crawford, I bet
83
00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:39,186
you and David have
a lot in common.
84
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,589
Maybe you should hang out
tomorrow.
85
00:03:41,622 --> 00:03:45,192
I'd love to;
let me check my day planner.
86
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:48,228
Uh, Dad, that says "1982."
87
00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:50,331
The days line up the same.
88
00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:53,434
Well, you know what?
89
00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:54,635
I have an opening
90
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:59,307
between 8:00 a.m.
and 4:00 p.m.
91
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:01,975
Who is Jane Pauley?
92
00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:04,378
Oh, that was '82,
and you may not know this,
93
00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:06,447
but your old man was
quite the stalker.
94
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:08,148
(chuckles)
95
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,728
Psst.
96
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:24,097
Psst, psst, psst.
97
00:04:24,131 --> 00:04:26,166
What is that?
98
00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:27,901
That's our new assistant
Janet.
99
00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:29,503
Are you kidding?
100
00:04:29,537 --> 00:04:32,706
She looks like the old lady
on that pasta sauce label.
101
00:04:33,674 --> 00:04:36,410
Exactly--
Janet is Eli-proof.
102
00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:37,511
Oh, oh, really?
Yeah.
103
00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:39,146
Oh, we'll see about that.
104
00:04:39,179 --> 00:04:41,315
Okay.
105
00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:49,757
I hit a 1970s perfume wall.
106
00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:51,492
Yeah.
107
00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:54,194
Why would you
do this to me?
108
00:04:54,227 --> 00:04:56,597
Because you are
a human resources nightmare.
109
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,298
Eli, this company
can't afford to get sued,
110
00:04:58,332 --> 00:05:01,669
and trust me, you want
no part of the new HR lady.
111
00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:04,271
She hit three home runs
in softball yesterday.
112
00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:05,973
One of them was
to dead center.
113
00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:07,207
Really?
114
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:09,410
Yeah, it hit a car.
115
00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:23,624
My God!
116
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:26,894
That coffee is,
like, 180 degrees!
117
00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:28,829
She didn't even
blow on it.
118
00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:31,599
(grunts, sighs)
119
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,604
Hey, Jesus
of Nazareth.
120
00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:41,875
In this office...
121
00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:44,344
we wear socks.
122
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,315
For God's sakes,
get some socks, you maniac.
123
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:51,184
You're gonna get us all killed!
124
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,020
Oh, hey, what are
you guys doing here?
125
00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:54,422
I thought you guys were going
out to lunch.
126
00:05:54,455 --> 00:05:55,989
We are out for lunch.
Where's your fridge?
127
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:57,190
Um...
128
00:05:58,426 --> 00:06:00,928
I, uh, I can get lunch
for your friends.
129
00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:01,929
Uh, these aren't friends.
130
00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:03,330
They're dads.
131
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:04,498
Oh.
132
00:06:04,532 --> 00:06:08,502
Oh, well, hello,
Mr. Sachs, and hi.
133
00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:09,537
Call me David.
134
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:10,938
Mr. Sachs is my son's name.
135
00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:14,207
(laughing)
136
00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:22,249
Boy, I wish I had a swing
like that on my front porch.
137
00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:27,187
Yeah, she looks
like that beautiful woman
138
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:30,323
on the pasta sauce label.
139
00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:35,463
Come on, Crawford,
be my wingman.
140
00:06:35,496 --> 00:06:36,664
(laughs)
141
00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:39,633
(laughs)
Oh, my God,
142
00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:41,802
my dad's trying to impress her
with a two-dollar bill.
143
00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:44,438
I can't believe this--
I hired Janet
144
00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:46,440
so nobody would be
attracted to her.
145
00:06:46,474 --> 00:06:49,510
Well, it looks like a couple of
nobodies are attracted to her.
146
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,312
Okay, if she feels
sexually pressured
147
00:06:52,345 --> 00:06:55,315
by her bosses' fathers,
that's a form of harassment.
148
00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:57,150
Yeah, but if my dad
starts dating her,
149
00:06:57,184 --> 00:06:58,652
then he'll be
out of the house,
150
00:06:58,686 --> 00:07:00,954
and that is a form
of happiness.
151
00:07:02,155 --> 00:07:04,291
Come on, Dad,
work your magic.
152
00:07:04,324 --> 00:07:05,559
So, why aren't you married?
153
00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:06,927
Bum vagina?
154
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,328
(laughing)
155
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,168
NEWS ANCHOR:
Coming up,
why today's 65-year-old
156
00:07:15,202 --> 00:07:16,604
is livelier than ever.
157
00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:19,206
Aw, geez.
158
00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:27,548
(gasps)
159
00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:32,753
No smoking in my house.
160
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,622
Boy, must have dozed off there.
161
00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:36,156
(chuckles)
162
00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:39,359
You know, there's nothing
like a cigar and a nap.
163
00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:42,930
Yeah, so, any plans tonight?
164
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,933
Yeah, I got three people
coming over to teach me Yiddish.
165
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:48,802
I got to go make a yarmulke
out of a coffee filter.
166
00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:52,472
Hey.
167
00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:54,508
Hey, how was work?
168
00:07:54,542 --> 00:07:56,510
Bad. How was home?
Bad.
169
00:07:56,544 --> 00:07:58,378
Well, should we talk
about it or just drink?
170
00:07:58,411 --> 00:07:59,613
We should
probably talk.
171
00:07:59,647 --> 00:08:01,314
All right, I'll make
the drinks.
172
00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:04,985
I know you're against
office romances,
173
00:08:05,018 --> 00:08:08,656
but your dad really seems
to like this Janet,
174
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:11,859
and I think that you should
encourage him to find love
175
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,694
and get him
out of my house.
176
00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:14,695
(snickers)
177
00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:17,130
Your house?
178
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:18,298
What?
Oh, nothing.
179
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:19,867
Oh, come on, he's not that bad.
180
00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:21,368
Warner.
Yeah.
181
00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:23,470
Do you have
black neighbors?
182
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:26,073
Uh, yeah, Dad,
right next door.
183
00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:28,542
Oh...
184
00:08:28,576 --> 00:08:29,743
(sighs)
185
00:08:29,777 --> 00:08:31,511
I'm sorry, Officer,
the whole thing
186
00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:33,513
is just a humorous
misunderstanding.
187
00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:36,249
Mm-hmm.
188
00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:38,518
So, did Janet ask
about me?
189
00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:39,653
No, she didn't,
190
00:08:39,687 --> 00:08:41,589
and you're not
going to have
191
00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:43,023
an office romance, I'm sorry.
192
00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:45,092
Well, not with that
Casanova David around.
193
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:48,428
He's got so many cool shirts.
194
00:08:48,461 --> 00:08:50,430
I hate my shirts.
195
00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:51,732
(knocking)
196
00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:54,201
Oh, that must
be my Jews.
197
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:04,144
Who the hell called
the cops on me?
198
00:09:07,948 --> 00:09:11,051
So they removed the body,
and suddenly I had a seat
199
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:13,921
in first class.
(gasps)
200
00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:17,725
God, he has no game.
201
00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:19,226
It's a wonder
you were ever born.
202
00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:22,596
Hmm... and yet
here I stand.
203
00:09:22,630 --> 00:09:25,432
Oh, are you standing?
204
00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:27,968
Would you like to go
out for dinner?
205
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:29,803
I know a Greek place
around the corner.
206
00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:32,439
Oh, well, I-I love Greek food.
207
00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:33,607
And corners.
208
00:09:33,641 --> 00:09:34,975
(laughs)
209
00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:37,410
Uh, want to pick me up at 6:00?
210
00:09:37,444 --> 00:09:38,979
No, I'll meet you there.
211
00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:45,552
Oh, look at her.
212
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,154
She's so beautiful.
213
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,221
Now, listen,
214
00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:49,389
go over there
and talk to her.
215
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:50,758
Okay.
Be yourself.
216
00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:52,660
Be myself.
Yes.
217
00:09:52,693 --> 00:09:53,627
How's my breath?
218
00:09:53,661 --> 00:09:56,596
(exhales)
219
00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:58,966
It's age-appropriate.
220
00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:02,002
Yeah.
221
00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:04,437
Oh, hey,
what are you doing...?
222
00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:06,273
Oh, my God, you're not
pregnant again, are you?
223
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,075
(mouths)
224
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:09,843
Oh, no, no, come on.
225
00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:11,444
We talked about this.
226
00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:12,680
You're trying to set my dad up?
227
00:10:12,713 --> 00:10:14,014
Well,
228
00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:15,983
she said yes.
229
00:10:16,016 --> 00:10:18,852
Now I got to get to work
on an erection.
230
00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:22,823
How come
the only kind of kebab
231
00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:25,625
you ever hear about
is shish?
232
00:10:27,494 --> 00:10:30,463
Oh, look, it's a ladybug.
233
00:10:30,497 --> 00:10:32,532
All right, hold
still, I'll kill it.
234
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:39,372
Anyone who owns their own
bowling ball is a schmuck.
235
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:43,977
The first person who comes up
with a use for men's nipples--
236
00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:47,180
they can write
their own ticket.
237
00:10:47,214 --> 00:10:50,283
I didn't like that no-leg
South African sprinter
238
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:53,220
before he shot
his girlfriend.
239
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:57,224
BOTH:
Separate checks.
240
00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:01,394
VERONICA:
So, Janet,
241
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:02,796
what is your decision?
242
00:11:02,830 --> 00:11:04,865
Whose dandruff
do you want on you?
243
00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:06,900
(laughs)
244
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:08,802
Well, that-that's...
245
00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:12,005
that's a really
tough choice, but
246
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:13,340
I think I...
247
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:14,908
I clicked a little
more with...
248
00:11:14,942 --> 00:11:16,143
David.
249
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:17,144
Yes!
250
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,078
Oh, he's just so dark.
251
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:19,579
Yes, he is!
252
00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:22,850
I-I'll send a moving
truck with all his stuff,
253
00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:24,752
and then, I'll, what,
see you at Thanksgiving?
254
00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:25,886
(laughs)
255
00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:27,921
Hold on, hold on.
Janet,
256
00:11:27,955 --> 00:11:29,356
as our employee,
257
00:11:29,389 --> 00:11:31,258
if this in any way makes you
feel uncomfortable,
258
00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:32,659
you don't have to date him.
259
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,227
Oh, I...
Okay. No.
260
00:11:34,261 --> 00:11:37,164
I think the whole... the whole
office should hear this.
261
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:39,733
Guys, listen up, okay?
262
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:42,169
Everyone in this office
263
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,738
is captain
of their own sexual freedom.
264
00:11:44,772 --> 00:11:47,707
Be you straight, gay...
265
00:11:47,741 --> 00:11:50,277
or Elliot.
266
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:52,746
Okay?
267
00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:54,514
You don't need to have sex
268
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:57,517
with the bosses' fathers,
or anyone.
269
00:11:57,550 --> 00:12:01,454
But you can.
270
00:12:01,488 --> 00:12:03,123
Okay, but don't.
271
00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:04,424
Choose happiness!
272
00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:05,425
Not at work.
273
00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:06,593
Heart wants what it wants.
274
00:12:06,626 --> 00:12:07,594
And that's why there are laws,
275
00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:08,628
right, guys?
276
00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:10,597
Hello? What happened?
277
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:15,803
You shouldn't have started
your speech at 4:59.
278
00:12:21,008 --> 00:12:22,776
Mountaintop wizard fight?
279
00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:23,777
Fireball, fireball.
280
00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:25,478
Lightning!
Ash naz gimbatu!
281
00:12:25,512 --> 00:12:28,148
Ash naz gimbatu!
282
00:12:35,122 --> 00:12:36,456
Hey.
283
00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:38,558
Hey! How was work?
284
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:39,993
Well, you'd be proud of me.
285
00:12:40,027 --> 00:12:41,494
I peed at the urinal
286
00:12:41,528 --> 00:12:44,497
with some guy standing
right next to me. (laughs)
287
00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:47,000
Did anything come out?
288
00:12:47,034 --> 00:12:49,169
No, but I stood there
like it was.
289
00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:50,737
Mm.
290
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:53,306
It's all gonna happen soon,
I can feel it.
291
00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:56,676
Warner, you want
this condom?
292
00:12:59,046 --> 00:13:00,313
I'm never gonna use it.
293
00:13:00,347 --> 00:13:02,015
Uh, Dad,
where'd you get that?
294
00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:04,284
From your neighbor.
295
00:13:06,053 --> 00:13:07,821
It's a large.
296
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,829
Dad, you know, forget about
that whole Janet thing.
297
00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:17,164
Well...
298
00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:20,167
Workplace romances
are always a disaster.
299
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:24,171
You know, Warner, this whole
thing has made me realize...
300
00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:27,707
that there's really only
one person out there for you.
301
00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:31,211
For me... it was your mother.
302
00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:33,113
And for your mother,
303
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:35,415
it was a weightlifter
from Sacramento.
304
00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:40,854
I had no idea he felt like that.
305
00:13:40,888 --> 00:13:41,955
Yeah.
306
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:44,892
You know, when I was a kid,
307
00:13:44,925 --> 00:13:48,028
I asked Jenny Sanders
to the prom, and she said no.
308
00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:51,498
And-and my dad got in the car
and drove all the way down there
309
00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:53,633
and convinced her to go with me.
310
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:55,635
That's sweet.
311
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:58,571
And creepy.
312
00:13:58,605 --> 00:14:00,673
I can't believe
I'm going to say this,
313
00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:02,876
but I'm going
to go down to Janet's
314
00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:04,511
and get my dad a prom date.
315
00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:06,046
Oh, while you're out, can you
pick me up some of...?
316
00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:08,548
No. This is not
one of those trips.
317
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,622
(doorbell rings)
318
00:14:25,098 --> 00:14:27,267
Janet?
319
00:14:48,788 --> 00:14:51,124
(screaming)
320
00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:52,892
(screaming)
321
00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:03,971
Hey.
322
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:06,073
Good morning.
323
00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:08,241
That's right.
324
00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:14,247
Oh, I forgot
what I was gonna say.
325
00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:17,084
Oh, yeah. Is Janet here?
326
00:15:17,117 --> 00:15:18,785
Oh, she, uh, quit this morning.
327
00:15:18,818 --> 00:15:22,489
Oh...
328
00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:25,792
Okay. Just, like...
329
00:15:25,825 --> 00:15:28,095
Just like that?
330
00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:30,630
Mm?
Yeah.
331
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:34,901
She said she really
enjoyed her time here,
332
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,404
and she just wanted
to pursue other opportunities.
333
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:39,906
Okay. Okay.
334
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:43,043
Uh, that's good for her, right?
335
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:45,645
Ah. That's all she said?
336
00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:46,746
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
337
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,948
Okay. Okay.
338
00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:56,456
Oh, and something about you
leering through a window
339
00:15:56,489 --> 00:16:00,527
of her house, yelling,
"I'm not masturbating!"
340
00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:14,207
I can explain. I...
341
00:16:14,241 --> 00:16:16,376
Don't waste it on us.
Okay...
342
00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:19,312
Save it for HR, because
you have a meeting at 11:00.
343
00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:21,681
Aw, who's a little
HR nightmare now?
344
00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:22,982
It's you.
No.
345
00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:24,817
It's you.
No.
346
00:16:24,851 --> 00:16:26,853
Who's the little
HR nightmare?
No.
347
00:16:26,886 --> 00:16:28,588
Isn't it you?
No.
348
00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:31,658
Uh...
349
00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:33,293
Okay, what do I do?
What do I do?
350
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,462
Relax. I will go upstairs,
I'll talk to my dad,
351
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:37,630
he'll call Janet, and
she'll drop the whole thing.
352
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,032
Ugh. I hope that works,
353
00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:40,533
'cause HR meany was
in the bathroom today,
354
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:43,403
and she emptied
the tampon machine.
355
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:46,406
It looked like she was
about to blow up a bridge.
356
00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:55,048
Has he moved yet
this morning?
357
00:16:55,082 --> 00:16:57,884
He scratch his nose
at... 9:20.
358
00:16:57,917 --> 00:16:59,886
Mm.
359
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,556
Hey, Dad,
uh, I need a favor.
360
00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:04,824
No.
361
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,494
You don't even know what it is.
362
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:10,097
It's a favor.
What else do I need to know?
363
00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:13,032
Dad, I need you to call
your girlfriend, Janet,
364
00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:14,767
and smooth something over
for me.
365
00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:17,104
She's not my girlfriend anymore.
366
00:17:17,137 --> 00:17:18,838
Already?
What happened?
367
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:23,410
She couldn't name the original
Mercury astronauts.
368
00:17:23,443 --> 00:17:26,113
You still ask women
that question?
369
00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:27,747
Who cares?
370
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:30,083
Maybe the families
of John Glenn,
371
00:17:30,117 --> 00:17:32,752
Alan Shepard,
Virgil I. "Gus" Grissom...
372
00:17:32,785 --> 00:17:34,121
All right, Dad,
I understand...
373
00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:36,723
...Gordo Cooper, Deke Slayton,
374
00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:38,291
Scott Carpenter...
You made your point. I...
375
00:17:38,325 --> 00:17:40,026
...Wally Schirra.
376
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,961
Dad...
377
00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:43,796
please call her.
378
00:17:43,830 --> 00:17:45,098
No.
379
00:17:45,132 --> 00:17:47,434
You're impossible!
380
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:50,837
I'll call her when she takes
seventh grade history!
381
00:17:58,010 --> 00:18:00,313
Don't finish that
friendly knock.
382
00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:05,118
Have a seat.
Oh.
383
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:13,793
State your name.
384
00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:17,330
Uh, Warner Whittemore.
385
00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:19,466
So...
386
00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:23,303
you like looking at old ladies,
you perv? Hmm?
387
00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:24,771
What?
388
00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:28,575
You like pulling your
pickle in public, huh?
389
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:31,978
Is that what
bangs your gong?
390
00:18:33,813 --> 00:18:36,416
Uh, who are you
recording this for?
391
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:39,319
All the old ladies who
just want to take a shower
392
00:18:39,352 --> 00:18:43,790
without some creep tuggin' on
his tiny outside their window.
393
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:46,993
Okay, I wasn't tugging
on my tiny.
394
00:18:47,026 --> 00:18:48,828
I... I, uh...
395
00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:50,530
This was a big misunderstanding.
396
00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:51,498
Really?
Yeah.
397
00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:53,300
Really? Okay, well,
398
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:55,668
let's do a-a... a little
bit of research, okay?
399
00:18:55,702 --> 00:18:57,103
Okay.
Typey, type-type-type.
400
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:58,571
Okay, look at this. What?
401
00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:02,342
What are all
of these settlement checks
402
00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:04,377
that are made out
to your former assistants?
403
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:07,480
Did you spin your pee spout
404
00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:09,115
outside their window,
405
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:13,019
like some carefree
19th-century gentleman
406
00:19:13,052 --> 00:19:15,555
going for a weenie walk?!
407
00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:18,958
Wait a minute.
408
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:20,727
You're attacking
the wrong person.
409
00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:23,463
Warner Whittemore
is not a perv.
410
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,398
He is terrified of sex.
411
00:19:25,432 --> 00:19:27,634
He didn't lose his virginity
till he was 26.
412
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:30,570
Oh, actually, I-I
was 25 and a half.
413
00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:35,174
The one time we went
to a strip club together,
414
00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:37,544
he ate a cheeseburger
with a fork and knife.
415
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,248
'Cause strippers leave you
alone if you're eating,
416
00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:42,982
so I just figured...
417
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:45,117
(mumbles)
418
00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:51,991
These checks weren't for him.
They were for me.
419
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:54,394
He was cleaning up my messes.
420
00:19:56,263 --> 00:19:58,565
Okay, Warner, you can go.
421
00:20:05,272 --> 00:20:07,374
Have a seat... carrot crotch.
422
00:20:14,914 --> 00:20:17,884
Eli's been in
with the HR lady for
423
00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:20,253
a long time now.
I hope he's okay.
424
00:20:20,287 --> 00:20:22,589
(Eli sighs)
Oh, hey.
425
00:20:22,622 --> 00:20:23,523
How'd it go in there?
426
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:24,757
Well, I got myself
427
00:20:24,791 --> 00:20:25,925
out of trouble.
428
00:20:25,958 --> 00:20:27,360
I am not really proud of how.
429
00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:29,429
I'll pick you
up at 8:00.
430
00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:35,768
Don't wear anything
complicated.
431
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:40,607
You know, Warner, I never
thought I'd say this, but
432
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:44,577
thank you for sexually
harassing that woman for me.
433
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:48,415
I love you, son.
434
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:50,383
I love you, too, Dad.
435
00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:52,452
Aw...
436
00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:54,654
What? Nothing
happened with us.
437
00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:57,290
CAMILA:
It's just...
438
00:20:57,324 --> 00:21:00,560
I'm sorry. It's so hilarious
that anyone could ever think
439
00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:04,664
that you could
sexually harass anybody.
440
00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:09,336
I'm sorry.
441
00:21:09,369 --> 00:21:11,103
I can hara...
442
00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:13,272
I can harass someone.
443
00:21:14,607 --> 00:21:18,277
Okay, okay.
Well, let... let's see.
444
00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:23,215
Okay.
445
00:21:25,017 --> 00:21:29,055
Ooh, nice melons.
446
00:21:29,956 --> 00:21:31,190
Okay, I can't do that.
447
00:21:31,223 --> 00:21:33,125
I got to sanitize my hands.
448
00:21:33,159 --> 00:21:35,962
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