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1
00:00:01,202 --> 00:00:06,374
MAN:
Who dares to challenge
the Mage of Acknar?
2
00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:08,309
Okay, that was great.
Uh, let's try it again,
3
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:11,245
maybe with a little more
wizard-like quality.
4
00:00:11,279 --> 00:00:13,547
Well, what kind of wizard is he?
5
00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:16,584
A... magic wizard?
6
00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:18,752
Ah. Okay.
7
00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:20,321
I got it.
8
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:22,056
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
Hey.
9
00:00:22,090 --> 00:00:24,725
Guess who was begging me
to come to work again today.
10
00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:26,860
Oh, well, who would know more
about video games
11
00:00:26,894 --> 00:00:29,430
than your 65-year-old dad?
Yeah.
12
00:00:29,463 --> 00:00:30,864
He was actually waiting
13
00:00:30,898 --> 00:00:33,534
in the backseat of the car
with his briefcase.
14
00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:38,005
Oh, he thinks
he's business people.
15
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,573
You know,
16
00:00:39,607 --> 00:00:41,875
we could always give your dad
a pretend office here.
17
00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:45,446
Cute little nameplate,
phone plugged into nothing.
18
00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:47,248
Are you kidding me?
I don't want him here.
19
00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:49,016
It's bad enough
he has to live with me.
20
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:50,218
Well, you could've said no.
21
00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:51,719
I can't say no to him.
22
00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:53,621
What kind of person
does that to their own father?
23
00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:55,856
Me. I would have enjoyed it.
24
00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:59,427
In fact, I'm gonna randomly text
my dad the word "no" right now.
25
00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:02,230
No, don't do that.
All caps, and send.
26
00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:03,964
(chuckles)
27
00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:08,369
* Daddy took me to the zoo
28
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:10,404
* Na, na, na, na *
29
00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:14,408
* Just to see
something brand-new *
30
00:01:14,442 --> 00:01:16,444
* Na, na, na *
31
00:01:16,477 --> 00:01:20,614
* So many stars up in the sky
32
00:01:20,648 --> 00:01:25,153
* So many questions have I
33
00:01:25,186 --> 00:01:27,255
* Na, na, na, na *
34
00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:29,957
* Daddy took me for a ride.
35
00:01:42,970 --> 00:01:44,972
I saw you.
36
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:49,277
(laughing):
I saw you, too!
37
00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:50,811
Do you see this?
38
00:01:50,844 --> 00:01:53,847
Your father made a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.
39
00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:58,519
I already have two kids;
I don't need a third.
40
00:01:58,552 --> 00:01:59,787
Honey, you have got to start
41
00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:01,355
talking to him
about this stuff.
42
00:02:01,389 --> 00:02:03,657
No, I don't.
See, my relationship with my dad
43
00:02:03,691 --> 00:02:05,793
is based on a mutual
avoidance of conflict.
44
00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:08,829
You know, you could learn
a lot from us, okay?
45
00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:10,298
Okay.
46
00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:12,533
Warner?
47
00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:15,969
Warner?
48
00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:20,007
Ah. Warner, the last four
of your social is
49
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,075
7-1-4-6, correct?
50
00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:28,216
(nervous chuckle): Uh, y-yeah,
but why are you using it?
Well,
51
00:02:28,249 --> 00:02:31,352
if I use mine, the IRS
would be all over this place
52
00:02:31,385 --> 00:02:32,886
like flies on a ham.
53
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:34,222
(chuckles)
54
00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:35,689
I'll explain it all
to you later
55
00:02:35,723 --> 00:02:38,091
when I'm off the phone
with Burt Dillard.
56
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:41,395
Who's Burt Dillard?
57
00:02:41,429 --> 00:02:42,896
I-I don't know.
58
00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:45,366
All my dad's associates
have "businessman" names,
59
00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:47,401
like Burt Dillard...
60
00:02:47,435 --> 00:02:49,703
Thatcher Wainwright...
61
00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:53,040
Jock Upson.
62
00:02:54,942 --> 00:02:57,311
Well, Burt Dillard, done deal.
63
00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:58,512
Camila, would you mind
64
00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:00,514
pretending to be my secretary?
65
00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:04,585
I need to give a ring
to Granger Watts.
66
00:03:06,053 --> 00:03:07,655
Gracias, muchacha.
You're a peach.
67
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:09,156
(chuckles)
Woop!
68
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:10,591
(gasps)
69
00:03:13,594 --> 00:03:15,529
Well, now that you've...
seen it,
70
00:03:15,563 --> 00:03:18,131
I won't be needing a towel
from here on out.
71
00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:32,179
(phone rings)
72
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,581
(whispers):
Hi, Dad.
73
00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:35,916
Hello?
74
00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:37,751
Eli?
75
00:03:37,785 --> 00:03:39,587
Yes, Dad, I'm here.
76
00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:41,622
Uh, I can't hear you.
Why are you whispering?
77
00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:44,292
Why are you calling
at 7:00 a.m.?
78
00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:47,928
Yeah, just making sure we're
still on track for my visit.
79
00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:48,762
What visit?
80
00:03:48,796 --> 00:03:50,398
For Warner's birthday party.
81
00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:52,300
Dad, Warner's birthday's
in eight months.
82
00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:54,201
Well, I just got an Evite
83
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:56,904
to a surprise party
at Warner's this Friday.
84
00:03:56,937 --> 00:03:59,640
Dad, that's my birthday.
85
00:04:00,841 --> 00:04:03,110
Really?
86
00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:06,747
(laughs): Yes. You just ruined
a surprise party in my honor
87
00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:08,782
and forgot my birthday
88
00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:10,784
in one phone call.
89
00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:12,620
Well, you still want me to come?
90
00:04:12,653 --> 00:04:15,122
I'm kind of stuck
with this plane ticket.
91
00:04:15,155 --> 00:04:16,324
(scoffs)
92
00:04:17,124 --> 00:04:19,293
Fine. I'll see you
when you get here.
93
00:04:19,327 --> 00:04:20,494
Okay. Good.
94
00:04:20,528 --> 00:04:21,729
By the way,
95
00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:25,165
did you text me the word "no"
the other...
96
00:04:26,166 --> 00:04:27,635
A surprise party?
97
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:29,002
I hate surprise parties.
98
00:04:29,036 --> 00:04:31,339
You're a terrible
girlfriend.
Oh, I thought you said
99
00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:33,307
I wasn't your girlfriend.
Well, whatever you are,
100
00:04:33,341 --> 00:04:35,309
you're terrible at it.
101
00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:37,578
WARNER:
Yes.
102
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,347
Feel it.
103
00:04:40,348 --> 00:04:42,816
Feel the dad.
104
00:04:44,518 --> 00:04:46,487
How could you
invite him?
105
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:47,688
Why would you do that?
106
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:49,156
I'll tell you why--
because
107
00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:50,491
two years ago, you blew
108
00:04:50,524 --> 00:04:52,292
an Indian-food burp
right in my face,
109
00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:54,027
and it's payback time.
110
00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:58,999
30 seconds of burp smell does
not equal multi-day Dad visit.
111
00:04:59,032 --> 00:05:01,001
Hey, you send one of mine
to the hospital,
112
00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:02,836
I send one of yours
to the morgue.
113
00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:04,304
That's the Chicago way.
114
00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:08,008
Untouchables.
That's right. Yeah.
Untouchables.
115
00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:09,710
Besides, a couple days
with your dad
116
00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:11,612
is not gonna be
the end of the world.
117
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,614
Are you kidding me?
He's the worst.
118
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,849
Oh, no, no, no. No, no.
Don't do this.
119
00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:18,218
No, you will lose
the bad-dad showdown.
120
00:05:18,251 --> 00:05:20,854
Oh, we'll see.
121
00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:22,690
Okay, my dad
quickly closes the laptop
122
00:05:22,723 --> 00:05:24,525
every time I walk into the room.
123
00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:26,727
I wonder why.
124
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,630
My dad can clear his throat
for 50 minutes
125
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,231
of a 90-minute movie.
126
00:05:31,264 --> 00:05:34,635
(clearing throat)
127
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:36,036
(groans)
128
00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:38,205
My dad is in debt
on three continents,
129
00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:39,640
including Antarctica.
130
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,709
Who loans money there?
131
00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:44,144
My dad's a light-kiss-
on-the-lips dad.
132
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,013
Mwah!
133
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:47,515
My dad squandered away
the family fortune,
134
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:49,016
and now he has to live with me.
135
00:05:49,049 --> 00:05:51,419
My dad divorced my mom and left
the country when I was five.
136
00:05:51,452 --> 00:05:56,990
(imitating gun firing)
(imitating
bullets ricocheting)
137
00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:58,325
Sorry.
138
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,327
Look, you're lucky your
dads are American.
139
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:03,897
My dad beat me with a
math book till I was 16.
140
00:06:03,931 --> 00:06:05,766
Well, see, there you go,
th-that's exactly why
141
00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:07,735
we need your help on Friday
when we pitch
142
00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:10,738
to the Chinese investors.
Because of my intimate knowledge
of Chinese culture?
143
00:06:10,771 --> 00:06:12,072
No. Because
you're gonna dress up
144
00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:13,441
like a sexy Asian schoolgirl.
145
00:06:16,444 --> 00:06:17,711
I can't do that.
146
00:06:17,745 --> 00:06:19,079
Oh, you can.
Sure you can.
147
00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:21,248
Here, uh, practice with me.
(clears throat, sniffs)
148
00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:23,451
(high-pitched giggling)
149
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,439
This you?
150
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:48,408
What?!
151
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:49,943
No, that's not me!
152
00:06:49,977 --> 00:06:51,745
That's the kid from Mask,
153
00:06:51,779 --> 00:06:55,282
one of the ugliest people
in human history.
154
00:06:55,315 --> 00:06:56,617
I don't know.
155
00:06:56,650 --> 00:07:00,488
He looks like you
in the face parts.
156
00:07:03,323 --> 00:07:04,592
There's my birthday boy.
157
00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:05,726
WOMAN:
Eli,
158
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:08,095
is okay I coming
on 2:30 next week?
159
00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:10,297
Are you asking me or telling me?
160
00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:11,331
Okay, thank you.
161
00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:17,638
Why does your bag say:
162
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:19,973
"Say 'yes' to
breast cancer"?
163
00:07:20,007 --> 00:07:21,742
It was a misprint.
164
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:24,745
They were giving
them away at a 5K.
165
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,179
You did a 5K?
166
00:07:26,213 --> 00:07:28,849
There was free water every K.
167
00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:32,853
I just got in my car
and drove K to K.
168
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:35,088
So, you want to flip
for the bed?
169
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:36,957
Dad, there is no
way you're sleeping
170
00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:38,759
in my... Heads, heads,
heads, heads, heads!
171
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:41,228
See you in the morning.
(Eli groans)
172
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,766
Stay out of the bathroom
between 3:00 and 4:00.
173
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,535
That's my go time.
174
00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:55,042
All right,
are you ready
175
00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:57,177
to dazzle those
Chinese investors?
176
00:07:57,210 --> 00:07:58,445
What is this?
177
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,548
It's your helmet. You're
a rock-and-roll American
178
00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:02,482
who rides a motorcycle.
No.
179
00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:03,517
Yes!
No!
180
00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:05,653
No more characters.
Come on,
181
00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:06,854
you come into
that meeting late,
182
00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:08,321
wearing this helmet--
it says to them:
183
00:08:08,355 --> 00:08:10,290
"I don't care if I die
riding a motorcycle.
184
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:14,027
I just want to make
great video games."
185
00:08:14,061 --> 00:08:16,697
If I don't care if I die,
186
00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:19,900
why am I wearing a helmet?
187
00:08:25,706 --> 00:08:28,809
Well, hello, kitty.
(chuckles)
188
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:30,410
(continues chuckling)
189
00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:32,245
It's-it's good.
190
00:08:32,279 --> 00:08:34,347
Like, it's... it's pretty,
and you, like...
191
00:08:34,381 --> 00:08:36,717
like, it works,
and I like it. It's...
192
00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:40,187
Stop... filing this away.
193
00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:42,890
I can't. I'm sorry.
194
00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:45,192
I just promoted myself
to VP of game development,
195
00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:47,060
and I'm taking next week off.
196
00:08:47,094 --> 00:08:49,196
We, uh... we really
want to thank you
197
00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:51,364
for your sacrifice
and your teamwork--
198
00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:53,934
okay, now I'm
filing it away.
(groans)
199
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,203
You know,
200
00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:58,839
there's another very big
business meeting going on today.
201
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,074
Oh, that's right--
our dads are having lunch.
202
00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:03,276
Who do you think
picks up that check?
203
00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:07,047
Oh, I say check placed on table
followed by a long pause.
204
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,416
And then at least
two fake bathroom trips.
205
00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:11,685
I've seen my dad
physically nudge a check
206
00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:13,053
towards the other person.
207
00:09:13,086 --> 00:09:15,055
Does one of them die there?
208
00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:16,590
(gasps)
Do both of them die there?
209
00:09:16,624 --> 00:09:17,725
Oh.
210
00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:23,096
So, you got your
whole office in there?
211
00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:24,932
Yeah, pretty nearly, yeah.
212
00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:26,934
I just came
from a very interesting...
213
00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:28,736
very interesting,
in fact, meeting
214
00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:32,272
with an outfit that owns the
copyright to Black Santa Claus,
215
00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:33,473
of all things.
216
00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:37,110
They're going to make a fortune
for the right investor.
217
00:09:37,144 --> 00:09:39,246
Investing!
Giving your money to someone.
218
00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:41,048
Here you go,
stranger with a tie.
219
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:43,884
I was hoping you could turn
my money into more money,
220
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,620
but if you can't,
I'll understand.
221
00:09:46,654 --> 00:09:47,788
Look at our sons.
222
00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:49,790
Their stock has
never been higher,
223
00:09:49,823 --> 00:09:52,893
and with my help,
they're gonna go global.
224
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:53,961
In fact,
225
00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:57,665
today they are meeting
with some Orientals.
226
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:15,282
So... what time is
this birthday party tonight?
227
00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:18,018
Oh, I think
it's at, uh, 7:00.
228
00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:22,656
I thought it was at 7:30.
229
00:10:22,690 --> 00:10:24,324
(coughs)
230
00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:26,493
(sputters)
231
00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:31,298
(exhales):
Ah...
232
00:10:31,331 --> 00:10:33,533
Let me check my day planner.
233
00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:39,172
Yes, I have 7:00.
234
00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:42,843
Well, 7:00, 7:30--
what does it matter?
235
00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,544
(sneezes loudly)
236
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:53,787
So, the one thing
that we learned
237
00:10:53,821 --> 00:10:56,323
from the success
of-of Kill Hitler
238
00:10:56,356 --> 00:11:00,160
is that... people
love killing Hitler.
239
00:11:01,561 --> 00:11:03,363
So, i-in Kill Hitler 2,
240
00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:07,334
there are 45 new ways
that you can kill Hitler.
241
00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:10,738
Check it out.
You can hang Hitler.
242
00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:14,541
You can electrocute Hitler.
243
00:11:14,574 --> 00:11:16,543
(groaning)
244
00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:18,812
You can even impale Hitler
with a menorah.
245
00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:21,749
What the heil?
(groans)
246
00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:28,555
(giggles)
247
00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:30,758
(camera clicks)
248
00:11:35,896 --> 00:11:38,866
(speaking Chinese)
249
00:11:38,899 --> 00:11:40,233
We like
what we're hearing
250
00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:42,269
and want very much
to work with you
251
00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:44,437
and your rock-and-roll
American rebel man.
252
00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:47,107
That's fantastic.
Yeah, yeah.
253
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:49,242
ELI:
Thank you. Thank you
so mu... so much.
254
00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:50,577
Uh, lock the door.
255
00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:52,279
Lock the door.
256
00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:56,683
Warner! Open up.
I'm here to help.
257
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:59,619
No, no, Dad, we just sealed
a handshake agreement.
258
00:11:59,652 --> 00:12:01,922
(scoffs)
Then you've got nothing.
Okay.
259
00:12:01,955 --> 00:12:03,023
Listen,
260
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,424
go to my office.
There's a granola bar
261
00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:06,226
in the top drawer.
No, no, no. No, Warner,
262
00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:08,228
the Chinese are-are a lovely
and honorable people,
263
00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:09,897
but you can't trust 'em.
Dad, please.
264
00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:11,264
Dad, please,
265
00:12:11,298 --> 00:12:15,702
stop it!
There's a reason
Shanghai's a verb.
266
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:18,405
Daddy, no!
267
00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:24,778
CAMILA:
I can't believe they didn't
want to invest millions
268
00:12:24,812 --> 00:12:27,447
with a guy who says,
"Daddy, no!"
269
00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:34,788
Well, it was kind of
my dad's fault
270
00:12:34,822 --> 00:12:37,657
for showing up in the
first place, don't you think?
271
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:42,129
Okay, see, this is your fault
because you never confront him.
272
00:12:42,162 --> 00:12:43,563
I can't yell at him.
It's like...
273
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:47,167
it's like yelling at a golden
retriever with a briefcase.
274
00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:50,838
Boy, that went south
in a heartbeat today, didn't it?
275
00:12:50,871 --> 00:12:52,272
(laughs)
276
00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:54,141
Ah, but don't you worry.
They'll be back.
277
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:57,510
I have been in this position
many, many times before.
278
00:12:57,544 --> 00:13:01,148
They-they told us never
to call them again.
(chuckles)
279
00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:04,852
Yeah. Don't you just love
the dance? (chuckles)
280
00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:08,521
So you don't think
that was a total disaster today?
281
00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:12,525
Would I be celebrating with your
last beer if I thought that?
282
00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:15,362
Look, Dad, this is really
difficult for me to say,
283
00:13:15,395 --> 00:13:17,630
but I'm gonna say it.
I'm gonna say it right now.
284
00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,632
Camila thinks you, uh,
ruined the deal today.
285
00:13:23,736 --> 00:13:25,338
(doorbell rings)
286
00:13:26,573 --> 00:13:28,341
Surprise!
287
00:13:28,375 --> 00:13:30,343
(chuckles)
Hi, guys.
288
00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:31,879
You must be Warner.
289
00:13:31,912 --> 00:13:35,382
Yeah. Don't learn my name.
It's easier that way.
290
00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:37,217
Mwah!
291
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:38,852
Hi, Warner.
292
00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:45,358
Did you taste the tuna
that he had for breakfast?
293
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:49,029
Mm-hmm. And it would have been
a billion-dollar deal
294
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:50,363
if somebody had told me
295
00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:55,335
the correct pronunciation
is "Shiite Muslim."
296
00:13:57,370 --> 00:14:00,140
Well, Eli,
I propose a toast.
297
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:02,342
Dad, no talking.
Just enjoy the free food.
298
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:03,810
Uh, speech!
299
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:07,014
Speech!
(chuckles)
Thank you, Warner.
300
00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:08,982
And thanks
to your beautiful maid
301
00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:10,383
for making
all this food.
302
00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:12,886
I'm his wife.
Well,
303
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:15,388
when Eli was born
304
00:14:15,422 --> 00:14:18,225
and came out with red hair,
I couldn't believe he was mine,
305
00:14:18,258 --> 00:14:21,594
so I had his mother
take a paternity test.
306
00:14:21,628 --> 00:14:23,030
Come on, Dad.
307
00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:26,099
(chuckling):
Paternity test?
308
00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:27,834
The test determined
that I was the father,
309
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:31,404
but with technology back then,
who knows?
310
00:14:31,438 --> 00:14:33,240
He doesn't.
(chuckles)
311
00:14:33,273 --> 00:14:35,242
Happy birthday, Eli.
312
00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:38,078
Wow, awesome toast.
There's a lot of love there.
313
00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:41,014
And here's your gift.
Oh.
314
00:14:41,048 --> 00:14:43,250
Well...
(clears throat)
315
00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:45,485
(scoffs)
316
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:51,424
My birthday gift is a
framed photo of you?
317
00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:53,760
You don't like it?
318
00:14:53,793 --> 00:14:56,896
Eh, you look like a
disgraced science teacher.
319
00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:59,399
Well, that's pretty ungrateful.
320
00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:01,401
What am I supposed
to be grateful for?
321
00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:03,603
The time you introduced
me to a woman named Deb
322
00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:07,774
as my new mom and then broke up
with her 20 minutes later?
323
00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:10,810
We grew apart.
324
00:15:11,811 --> 00:15:15,415
Hey-o!
(chuckles)
325
00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:18,251
What about when, uh,
you shaved my head
326
00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:19,652
before we went
to Disneyland?
327
00:15:19,686 --> 00:15:22,755
We got a free lunch with Goofy,
didn't we?
328
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:28,996
It's not funny, Dad.
329
00:15:29,029 --> 00:15:31,231
You can't just make a
joke out of everything.
330
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:33,800
Well, if I don't, who will?
Not you.
331
00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:36,103
You've got your mother's
sense of humor,
332
00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:38,972
i.e. none.
333
00:15:39,006 --> 00:15:41,808
Well, here's something
you might find funny:
334
00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:45,812
I'm leaving my own birthday
party because of you.
335
00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:47,347
Good night, everybody!
336
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:52,819
There was a sleeping child
in the room I stormed into.
337
00:15:52,852 --> 00:15:53,820
BOY (crying):
Daddy!
338
00:15:53,853 --> 00:15:56,256
I thought it was the bed
with the coats on it,
339
00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:57,991
so I grabbed him really hard.
340
00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:03,930
BRITISH NARRATOR:
And so this new wave
of anti-Semitism led
341
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:05,798
to what became known
as the Granada Massacre
(door opens)
342
00:16:05,832 --> 00:16:09,369
of 1066. Some 1,500
343
00:16:09,402 --> 00:16:11,004
Jewish families
were slaughtered and those
344
00:16:11,038 --> 00:16:14,474
left behind were forced to pay
the newly imposed poll tax...
345
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:16,476
(David clears throat loudly)
346
00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:19,346
In many ways, the event
was mirrored in 1840
347
00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:22,515
by what is commonly known
as the Damascus Affair,
348
00:16:22,549 --> 00:16:24,517
in which Middle Eastern Jews
were blamed
349
00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:29,522
for the disappearance
of a French monk and his scribe.
350
00:16:29,556 --> 00:16:31,158
Kristallnacht,
also known as the Night
351
00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:34,727
of the Broken Glass, was
a series of coordinated attacks
352
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:37,197
against the Jews
throughout Nazi Germany
353
00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:39,532
and parts of Austria in November
354
00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:43,370
of 1938...
(clears throat)
355
00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:45,938
(program continues indistinctly)
356
00:16:57,950 --> 00:17:00,053
(bell dings)
357
00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:02,055
What you playing?
358
00:17:02,089 --> 00:17:04,091
Punch the Puerto Rican?
359
00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:08,761
No, it's a boxing game
we're developing.
360
00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:10,563
It doesn't have
a name yet.
Uh-huh.
361
00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:12,332
Well, jot down "Punch
the Puerto Rican."
362
00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:15,868
Let the marketing people
take it from there.
363
00:17:15,902 --> 00:17:19,106
Hey, Dad, you know
we don't work together, right?
364
00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:21,874
Well, you and I have a very
special relationship.
365
00:17:21,908 --> 00:17:24,444
You know, I see David
and Eli going at it,
366
00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:27,747
and I just think,
"Wow, how lucky we are."
367
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:31,017
I mean, we just...
get along. (chuckles)
368
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:35,855
Look, Dad, I-I know
you think we get along, but...
369
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,957
Yes, son?
370
00:17:49,336 --> 00:17:52,439
(sighs)
371
00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:54,441
No, you're right.
372
00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:56,676
We do get along.
373
00:17:57,477 --> 00:17:59,846
I love you, buddy.
374
00:18:00,647 --> 00:18:03,750
And I love you, too, son.
375
00:18:03,783 --> 00:18:06,753
Well, ups and downs,
but we came out
376
00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:08,388
on the other side.
Bye, Dad!
377
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:11,691
I'll call you
next week. Yeah.
378
00:18:12,992 --> 00:18:15,262
All right.
379
00:18:15,295 --> 00:18:16,296
Bye.
380
00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:17,597
Take those calcium pills.
381
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:19,832
You have a good one, Dad!
382
00:18:19,866 --> 00:18:22,034
(whoops loudly)
383
00:18:25,338 --> 00:18:27,807
Taxi!
384
00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:30,843
(knocking)
385
00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:35,415
Dad, what are you doing?
386
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:36,749
How did you know I was here?
387
00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:38,951
Well, I hit a red light
on the way out of the airport.
388
00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:41,521
* Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(humming)
389
00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:43,790
(humming)
390
00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:51,331
No. No!
391
00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:53,466
What are you doing?
392
00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:56,002
Go back!
393
00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:57,304
Go back!
394
00:18:57,337 --> 00:19:00,207
We made a deal!
395
00:19:04,043 --> 00:19:06,379
So what's going on, Dad?
396
00:19:06,413 --> 00:19:07,980
Why aren't you going back home?
397
00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:11,684
The truth is, there's no home
to go back to.
398
00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:14,521
I couldn't make the last
few payments on the condo
399
00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:16,356
and the bank took it back.
What?
400
00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:18,891
Why didn't you come to me?
I would've loaned you the money.
401
00:19:18,925 --> 00:19:21,694
Do you have any idea
how humiliating that would be?
402
00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:24,831
Look, I guess I was just hoping
that I could stay with you,
403
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:26,866
like Warner's dad
stays with him.
404
00:19:26,899 --> 00:19:29,369
Then we started
arguing, and I knew
405
00:19:29,402 --> 00:19:32,038
it wasn't gonna
happen, so here I am.
406
00:19:32,071 --> 00:19:35,375
Look, Dad, I'm sorry
that we fight. It's just...
407
00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:37,244
(sighs)
408
00:19:37,277 --> 00:19:41,581
Sometimes... I feel like
you're rooting for me to fail.
409
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:44,484
And that's terrifying.
410
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:46,486
I'm the one who's failed.
411
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,255
Failed to
keep my home,
412
00:19:48,288 --> 00:19:52,359
failed to stay with your mom,
failed to be a real dad to you.
413
00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:53,826
Oh, come on.
414
00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:55,495
You're gonna deny those things?
415
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:58,097
No, but I'm gonna say,
"Oh, come on."
416
00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:04,437
(sighs)
Look, Dad,
417
00:20:04,471 --> 00:20:07,740
it's not too late.
I mean, we can try.
418
00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:13,746
Come on. Get your stuff.
Let's get out of this place.
419
00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:16,215
You can stay with me.
420
00:20:16,249 --> 00:20:18,251
Really?
421
00:20:18,285 --> 00:20:20,353
Yeah.
Thanks.
422
00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:22,221
I love you, Eli.
423
00:20:22,255 --> 00:20:24,223
Oh. Yeah. Uh...
(sputters)
424
00:20:24,257 --> 00:20:26,293
Big-time ditto.
425
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,630
(sighs)
426
00:20:32,632 --> 00:20:34,000
Mwah!
(groans)
427
00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:41,541
And this is their ethnically
and sexually diverse workplace.
428
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,743
(chuckles)
429
00:20:43,776 --> 00:20:45,312
Where's your gay guy?
430
00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:47,814
Show him your gay guy.
431
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:54,321
You know, we actually had
to expand into this office
432
00:20:54,354 --> 00:20:56,789
a couple months ago because
the company's growing so fast.
433
00:20:56,823 --> 00:20:59,626
Yeah, things are
going great now, but...
Dad.
434
00:20:59,659 --> 00:21:02,829
What? I was just gonna say
someday they won't be.
435
00:21:04,664 --> 00:21:06,799
Guys, I think I
fixed your screwup.
436
00:21:06,833 --> 00:21:08,435
The deal with the Chinese
is back on.
437
00:21:08,468 --> 00:21:10,169
What? That's amazing.
How?
438
00:21:10,202 --> 00:21:12,138
Oh, that creepy translator
texted me a picture
439
00:21:12,171 --> 00:21:15,241
of his tiny penis,
so I threatened to put it online
440
00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:18,478
unless he convinced the
investors to approve the deal.
441
00:21:18,511 --> 00:21:19,846
(chuckles)
442
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:22,148
Nice! All right.
(Veronica chuckles)
443
00:21:22,181 --> 00:21:23,316
All right, let's see it.
444
00:21:23,350 --> 00:21:26,653
(clears throat)
445
00:21:26,686 --> 00:21:30,890
It looks like something
you'd pick out of a salad.
446
00:21:32,024 --> 00:21:36,829
It looks like a cashew
on a shag carpet.
447
00:21:36,863 --> 00:21:38,331
And this was the
best photo he took.
448
00:21:38,365 --> 00:21:40,767
Can you imagine the other
nine he deleted to get here?
449
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:42,034
(Veronica chuckles)
450
00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:46,506
This is nice.
451
00:21:46,539 --> 00:21:50,042
This is really, really nice.
452
00:21:51,177 --> 00:21:56,716
Now, I see an inchworm
and a little tiny fireman's hat.
453
00:21:56,749 --> 00:21:56,816
Oh, I see it.
Oh, yeah, I
see it, too.
32478
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