All language subtitles for Clerks (1994).english

Hello.

What?

No, I don't work today.

I'm playing hockey at 2:00.

Why don't you call Randal?

'Cause I'm fuckin' tired!

I just closed last night.

Jesus.

What time do you think
you're gonna come in, 12:00?

Be there by 12:00? Where?

Swear you'll be there by 12:00
and I'll do it.

12:00, or I walk.

It's a meaningless end to the story

Got no time for the forgotten glory

And now just when I know
what I'm after

It just brings me to laughter

Just save up
all your nickels and dimes

Let's see what you find
and you know

I guess I'm livin' day to day

Just in case you feel
led astray, hell, yeah

I guess I'm livin' day to day
Hear what I say, yeah

Just save up
all your nickels and dimes

Let's see what you find and you know

I'd just die for a piece of that pie but

I'll be glad to just
feast on that pie crust

And now just when I know
what I'm after

It just brings me to laughter

Shit!

Just save up
all your nickels and dimes

Let's see what you find and you know

I guess I'm livin' day to day

Just so glad to be led astray
Hell, yeah

I guess I'm livin' day to day

Hear what I say

Well

It's a meaningless end to the story

Got no time for the forgotten glory

And now just when I know
what I'm after

It just brings me to laughter

Just save up
all your nickels and dimes

Let's see what you find and you know

I guess I'm livin' day to day

Just hopin' to be led astray
Hell, yeah

I guess I'm livin' day to day

Hear what I say Oh, yeah

Ooh-hoo

Thanks. Have a good one.

- Do you mind if I drink this here?
- Go ahead.

- You open?
- Yeah.

- Pack of cigarettes.
- Are you sure?

- Am I sure?
- Are you sure?

- About what?
- Do you really wanna buy those?

- Are you serious?
- How long you been smoking?

- What is this, a poll?
- How long you been a smoker?

I don't know. Since I was about 13.

Thirteen. Let's see, you're about 19, 20?

- Am I right?
- What in the hell is that?

That's your lung.
By this time, your lung looks like this.

- You've gotta be shitting me.
- You think I'm shitting you?

- Here.
- What's this?

A trach ring.

They install it in your throat
when cancer takes your voice box.

This one came out of a 60-year-old man.

Oh, God!

He smoked until the day he died.

He used to put the cigarette in
and smoke that way.

- Excuse me, but...
- This is where you're heading.

Cruddy lung, smoking through
a hole in your throat.

- Do you want that?
- If it's already too late, I guess...

No, it's never too late. Put the cigarettes
back, and try some gum instead.

- Here. Chewlies gum. Try this.
- It's not the same.

It's cheaper than cigarettes,
and it certainly beats this.

- Oh, Jesus!
- It's a picture of a cancer-ridden lung.

Keep it.

- I'll just take the gum.
- Fifty five.

You made a very wise choice.
Keep up the good work.

If you're gonna drink that coffee,
I think you oughta take it outside.

- I think I'll drink it in here. Thanks.
- If you're gonna drink it here,

I'd appreciate it if you don't bother
the customers.

Okay. I'm sorry about that.

- Pack of cigarettes. What's that?
- This?

How long you been smoking?

Kill the drummer

Kill the bass player
Kill both bass players

This song is the reason
why I'm now going deaf

We need some tits and ass. Yeah!

I feel good today, Silent Bob.
We're gonna make some money.

Know what we're gonna do?
Go to that party and get some pussy.

I'm gonna fuck this bitch.
I'll fuck anything that moves!

What the fuck you lookin' at?
I'll kick your fuckin' ass!

Shit, yeah. Don't that motherfucker
owe me 10 bucks?

Tonight we're going to rip off this
fucker's head, take out his fuckin' soul.

Remind me if he tries to buy something.

I'm gonna shit in the
motherfucker's bag.

What's up, baby? What's up, sluts?

Yeah. Silent Bob, you're a rude
motherfucker, you know that?

You're cute as hell.
I could go down on you, suck you,

line up three other guys,
make like a circus seal.

Hey, you fucking faggot? I hate guys.

I love women!

What you want, Grizzly Adams?

You're spending what, 20, maybe $30
a week on your cigarettes?

- Forty.
- Fifty three.

$53 a week on cigarettes! Come on!

Would you give somebody
that much each week to kill you?

That's what you're doing now by paying
for this so called privilege to smoke!

We're gonna croak sometime.

It's that mentality that allows
the cancer producing industry to thrive.

Of course we're all gonna die someday!
Do we have to pay for it?

Do we have to throw hard-earned
dollars on the counter

and say, "Please, Mr Merchant
of Death, sir, please,

"sell me something that will
stink up my breath and clothes,

- "and fry my lungs!"
- Now, wait a second.

Here comes the speech about how he's
just doing his job by following orders.

Let me tell you about another group
of hate mongers who followed orders.

- Who's that?
- They were called Nazis!

- That's right.
- Friggin' Nazi.

They practically wiped
an entire nation off the Earth,

like your cigarettes are doing now!

- I think you oughta leave.
- You want me to leave. Why?

'Cause somebody's telling it like it is,
giving these fine people a wake-up call?

No, you're loitering
and causing a disturbance.

I'm a disturbance?
You're the disturbance, pal.

Here, now I am a customer.
I'm gonna buy some Chewlies Gum.

I'm a customer engaged in a discussion
with the other customers.

- That's right.
- Smoke my big fat cock!

He's scared now
'cause he sees the threat we present.

He smells the change is coming!

You are the source in this area, and
we're gonna shut you down for good!

For good, cancer merchant!

Cancer merchant!
Cancer merchant!

Who's leading this mob?

That guy.

Freeze!

Let's see some credentials. Slowly!

- You're a Chewlies Gum representative?
- Chewlies?

You're stirring up anti-smoking
sentiment to, what, sell more gum?

Get out of here!

And you people, don't you have jobs
to go to'? Get out of here. Go commute.

You oughta be ashamed of yourselves.
A bunch of easily led automatons.

Try thinking for yourselves before you
pelt an innocent man with cigarettes!

Uh, pack of cigarettes?

Don't you think you're taking
this too hard?

Too hard?

I have enough indignities in my life and
people start throwing cigarettes at me.

- At least they weren't lit.
- I hate this fucking place.

Then quit.
You should be going to school anyway.

Veronica, the last thing
I need is a lecture.

All I'm saying is, if you're
that unhappy, you should leave.

I'm not even supposed to be here today!

I know.

I stopped by your house.
Your mom told me you left, at 6:00.

The guy got sick. He couldn't come in.

- Don't you have a hockey game at 2:00?
- Yes.

I'm gonna play like shit because
I didn't have a good night's sleep.

- Why'd you agree to come in?
- I'm only here until 12:00.

After that, I'm gone. The boss comes in.

- Why don't you open the shutters?
- Someone jammed gum in the locks.

- You're kidding.
- Bunch of savages in this town.

- Thanks.
- How much did you leave up there?

Three dollars in mixed change
and a couple of singles.

This time in the morning,
people just get a paper or coffee.

- You're trusting.
- Why do you say that?

How do you know they're taking
the right change

or paying for what they take?

Theoretically, people see money,
no one around,

they think they're being watched.

Honesty through paranoia.

Why do you smell like shoe polish?

I needed shoe polish
to make that sign out there.

Smell won't come off.

You think anybody
can see us down here?

Why, you wanna have sex
or something?

- Can we?
- Really?

- I was kidding.
- Like you can't get enough of me.

- Typically male point of view.
- How do you figure?

Show some bedroom proficiency,
you think you're gods.

- What about what we do for you?
- Women?

Women as lovers are basically
the same. They just have to be there.

Be there?

Making a male climax
isn't at all challenging.

Insert somewhere close,
preferably moist, thrust, repeat.

How flattering.

Now, making a woman come,
therein lies a challenge.

You think so?

A woman makes a guy come,
it's standard.

A guy makes a woman come, it's talent.

- And I actually date you?
- Something wrong?

I'm insulted. Believe me, Don Juan,
it takes more than that to get a guy off.

Just being there, as you put it,
is not enough.

I've touched a nerve.

I'm astonished to hear you
trivialise my role in our sex life.

It wasn't directed at you.
It's a broad generalisation.

You're making a generalisation
about broads.

Those are my opinions
based on the few women

who were goodly enough
to sleep with me.

- How many?
- How many what?

How many different girls
have you slept with?

- Didn't we have this discussion before?
- We might have.

- I don't remember. How many?
- Lncluding you?

It better be up to and including me.

- Twelve.
- You slept with 12 different girls?

Including you? Yes.

- Ow! What'd you do that for?
- You're a pig!

Why'd you hit me?

Do you know how many men
I've had sex with?

- Do I get to hit you after you tell me?
- Three.

- Three?
- Three, including you.

You only slept with three people?

- I'm not the pig you are.
- Who?

- You!
- No, who are the three, besides me.

- John Franson and Rob Stanslyk.
- Wow.

That's why you should feel like a pig.
You men make me sick.

You'll sleep with anything that says yes.

Animal, mineral or vegetable.

Vegetable, meaning paraplegic.

They put up
the least amount of struggle.

After dropping a bombshell like that,
you owe me big.

Name it.

I want you to come with me on Monday.

- Where?
- To school.

There's a seminar about getting
back into a scholastic programme

after a lapse in enrolment.

Can't we have a discussion
without that?

It's important to me, Dante.

You have so much potential
going to waste in this pit.

- I wish you'd go back to school.
- Stop. You're making my head hurt.

- Shit! Why're you getting up?
- I have class in 45 minutes.

Willam?

Hey, Ronni. How you been, man?

What, do you work here now?

No, I was visiting my man.

Dante, this is Willam Black.
This is Dante Hicks, my boyfriend.

- How you doing? Just the soda?
- No, and a pack of cigarettes.

So where you been, man?
Still going to Seton Hall?

No, I transferred into Monmouth
this year. I was tired of missing him.

That's beautiful, man.

So, you still talk to Silvan?

I just talked to her on Monday.
We still hang out on weekends.

Oh, that's great.

Well, you two lovebirds
take it easy, okay?

Bye. Take it easy.

- That was Snowball.
- Why do you call him that?

Silvan made it up. It's a blow job thing.

What do you mean?

After the blow job, he likes to have it
spit back into his mouth while kissing.

It's called snowballing.

- He requests this?
- He gets off on it.

- Silvan can be talked into anything.
- Why do you say that?

Like you said, she snowballed him.

- Silvan? No, I snowballed him.
- Yeah, right.

I'm serious.

- You sucked that guy's dick?
- Yeah. How do you think I knew...

You said you had sex with three guys.
You never mentioned him.

- Because I never had sex with him.
- You sucked his dick!

We went out a few times. We never
had sex, but we fooled around.

Oh, my God. Why did you tell me
you only had sex with three guys?

Because I did only have sex
with three guys.

- Doesn't mean I didn't go with people.
- I feel so nauseous.

I'm sorry. I thought you understood.

I did understand!

That you had sex with three guys
and that's all you said!

- Please calm down.
- How many?

- How many dicks have you sucked?
- Let it go!

Shut up and I'll tell you. Jesus!

I didn't freak out when you told me
how many girls you fucked!

This is different. This is important.
How many?

Well?

- Something like 36.
- What? Something like 36?

- Lower your voice.
- What is that? "Something like 36"?

Does that include me?

- Uh... 37.
- I'm 37?

- I'm going to class.
- Oh, my God.

Thirty-seven!
My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!

In a row?

Where you going?

Listen, jerk.
Until today, you never knew

how many guys I slept with
because you never bothered to ask.

You act all nonchalant about fucking
12 girls. I never had sex with 12 guys!

- You sucked enough dick!
- I went down on a few guys.

- A few?
- One was you. The last one, I might add.

Which, if you're too stupid
to comprehend,

means I've been faithful since we met.

All the others I went with
before I met you.

If you want to have a complex,
go ahead.

Don't look at me like the town whore,

you were plenty busy
before you met me.

Why couldn't you sleep with them
like any other decent person?

Because going down isn't a big deal.

I liked a guy, we'd make out,
and I'd go down on him.

- But I only had sex with the guys I loved.
- I feel sick.

I love you! Don't feel sick.

Every time I kiss you,
I'm gonna taste 36 other guys.

I'm going to school.
Maybe later you'll be more rational.

- I'm 37! I just can't...
- Goodbye, Dante!

Hey, try not to suck any dick
on the way through the parking lot!

Hey! Hey, you! Get back here.

I thought that place was supposed
to be open at 11:00. It's 11:20.

I've already called his house twice.
He'll be here soon.

Hey, it's not like
it's a demanding job over there.

I'd like to get paid
to sit on my ass and watch TV.

I walked in the other day,
that son of a bitch was sleeping.

- I'm sure he wasn't sleeping.
- Are you calling me a liar?

- Are you calling me a liar?
- No! He was probably resting his eyes.

What the hell is that,
"Resting his eyes"?

- Like he's some air traffic controller?
- Actually, that's his night job.

Wise ass too, huh?
Go ahead. Keep cracking wise.

That's why you jockey a register
in some fuckin' convenience store

instead of working at a steady job.

I've got no time to bullshit around,
waiting for that son of a bitch.

Make sure he gets that.

The number's 812.
My name's Wynarski.

I wanted a movie tonight.

If you tell me the movie title,
he'll hold it for you.

Don't hurt yourself, buddy.
I'll go to Big Choice Video instead.

You forgot your keys.

- Guy ain't here yet.
- You're kidding! It's almost 11:30.

- I've been here since 11:00.
- I hate it when I can't rent videos!

I would've went to Big Choice,
but the tape I want is on that wall.

- Really'? Which one?
- Dental School.

You came for that too?
That's the movie I came for.

- I have first dibs.
- Says who?

Says me. I've been here half an hour.
I'd call that first dibs.

- Ain't gonna happen. I'm getting it.
- Like hell you are.

I'll bet you 20 bucks
you don't get to rent that tape.

- Twenty bucks?
- Twenty bucks.

All right, asshole. You're on.

You're late.

- What are you doing here?
- The boss called. Arthur fell ill.

- Why are the shutters closed?
- Someone jammed gum in the locks.

- Bunch of savages in this town.
- That's what I said.

If I'd known you were here,
I'd have come even later.

- What smells like shoe polish?
- Go open the store.

Hey, you see a set of keys
around here?

No time for love, Dr Jones.

Fucking kids.

Some guy just came in
refusing to pay late fees.

Said the store was closed for two hours
yesterday. I tore up his membership.

Shocking abuse of authority.

I'm a firm believer
in the philosophy of a ruling class,

especially since I rule.

- Want something to drink?
- No, thanks.

Who was on your phone
this morning, like, 2:30?

- I was trying to call for half an hour.
- Why?

I wanted to use your car. Snack cake.

You don't wanna know.

- You call Caitlin again?
- She called me.

- You tell Veronica?
- One fight a day is all I can stomach.

- What do you fight about?
- We don't fight about anything.

She wants me to leave here,
go back to school, get some direction.

I bet the most frequent
topic of argument is Caitlin.

- You win.
- I'm going to offer you some advice.

Let the past be the past. Forget Caitlin.
You been with Veronica how long?

- Seven months.
- Chick's nuts about you.

- How long you date Caitlin?
- Five years.

Chick made you nuts.
She cheated on you how many times?

- Eight and a half.
- Eight and a half?

Party at John Kay's, senior year.
I pass out in his bedroom.

- Caitlin jumps all over me.
- So that's cheating?

- In the middle of it she called me Brad.
- She called you Brad?

That's not cheating.
People say crazy shit during sex.

- One time, I called this girl "Mom".
- I hit the light, she freaks.

- She thought I was Brad Michaelson.
- What?

She was supposed to meet Brad
in a dark room. Picked the wrong one.

- She didn't know I was at the party.
- God.

- Great story, huh?
- That girl was vile to you.

Interesting postscript.
Know who wound up in there with Brad?

- Your mother?
- Alan Harris.

- Chess team Alan Harris?
- The two moved to Idaho together.

They raise sheep.

- Frightening.
- Different strokes to move the world.

I don't see how you could romanticise
your relationship with Caitlin.

She broke your heart
and drove men to deviant lifestyles.

- There was a lot of good.
- Oh, yeah?

Aside from the cheating,
we were a great couple.

That's what high school was about.
Algebra, bad lunch and infidelity.

- Think things will be different this time?
- They are.

When she calls me now, she's different.
Frightened, vulnerable.

She's finishing college
and about to enter the real world.

- Shit, I gotta place an order.
- Talkin' to myself.

- I'm listening. She's leaving college...
- And she's looking for support.

This is leading our relationship
to a new level.

What about Veronica?

The arguments Veronica and I have
are a manifestation

of a subconscious desire to break up,

to pursue a meaningful relationship
with Caitlin.

- Caitlin's on the same wavelength?
- It's safe to say yes.

- I think all four of you better talk it over.
- All four?

You, Veronica, Caitlin
and Caitlin's fiancé.

- Do you sell video tapes?
- Yeah. What are you looking for?

- Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
- Uh, one second.

I'm on with the distribution house.
Let me make sure they got it.

- What's it called again?
- Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.

- Happy Scrappy...
- She loves it.

Obviously.

This is RST Video calling.
Customer number 4352.

I'd like to place an order.

I need one each of the following tapes.

Whispers In The Wind,
To Each His Own,

Put It Where It Doesn't Belong,
My Pipes Need Cleaning,

All Tit Fucking Volume Eight,
I Need Your Cock,

Ass Worshipping Rim Jobbers,
My Cunt And Eight Shafts,

Cum Clean, Cum Gargling Naked Sluts,
Cum Buns Ill,

Cumming In Socks, Cum On Ilene,

Huge Black Cocks
with Pearly White Cum,

Girls Who Crave Cock,
Girls Who Crave Cunt,

Men Alone II: The KY Connection,
Pink Pussy Lips,

oh, yeah, and
All Holes Filled with Hard Cock.

Yup. Oh, wait a minute.
What was that called again?

I'm a needle, you know

Never want to be a haystack

Don't ever want to break
your heart in two

Know the crowd
is gonna sell their soul

Take it anywhere I know
Well, I promise you

It's making me sick

Yes, I'd like to check on
a misprint in today's edition.

Today's edition.

It says,
"Bree to wed Asian design major."

No, everything's spelled fine.

I was just wondering
if the article was a misprint.

I don't know,
a typographical error or something.

Maybe it should say, "Caitlin Bray"
or "Caitlin Bre" with one "e".

I'm a curious party. A curious party.

I'm an ex-boyfriend, and...

I talk to her all the time and
she never mentioned this engagement.

That's why I'm thinking
maybe it's a misprint.

Are you sure? Maybe there's
a vindictive printer working for you.

Meaning like, someone who asked
her out once and got shot down,

and this is his revenge by putting
this bogus article in the paper.

Hello. Hello?

I don't care if she's my cousin, I'm
gonna knock those boots again tonight.

- Look. The fuckin' human vacuum.
- Scumbag, what are you doing?

Hanging with Silent Bob and his cousin.

He's your cousin?

- He's from Russia too.
- No way.

- What part of Russia?
- Do I look like his fuckin' biographer?

- Olaf, what part of Russia are you from?
- Moscow.

- He only speaks Russian?
- He speaks some English, but not good.

- Is he staying here?
- He's moving to the big city this week.

- He wants to be a metal singer.
- No way.

I swear. Olaf, metal.

That's his fucking metal face.
Olaf, girl nice?

That's fucked up, man.

- What did he say?
- I don't know, but this guy's a character.

- He really wants to play metal?
- He's got his own band in Moscow.

- Called "Fuck Your Yankee Blue Jeans".
- That doesn't sound metal.

You gotta hear him sing.
Olaf, "Berserker."

- Come on, man, Berserker!
- Does he sing in English or Russian?

In English. Come on, Berserker.
Girls think sexy.

Ah. Ah.

Watch, he's gonna sing it. It's too funny.

My love for you is like a truck
Berserker

Would you like some making fuck
Berserker

- That's fuckin' funny, man.
- Did he say, "making fuck"?

My love for you is ticking clock
Berserker

Would you like to suck my cock
Berserker

That's beautiful, man.

Hold on to the counter and I'll pull.

Usually I just turn the can upside down.

Maybe we oughta soap your hand up.

They ought to put a warning on these,
like with cigarettes.

I think it's coming!

Thanks. I thought I was going
to have to go to the hospital.

I'll throw this out
as a precautionary measure.

Stings a little.

A word of advice. Sometimes you
got to let those hard-to-reach chips go.

Thanks.

That article's accurate.
Caitlin really is getting married.

- Know what I just watched?
- Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?

Return of the Jedi.

Didn't you hear me?
Caitlin is really getting married.

What did you like better?
Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back?

- Empire.
- Blasphemy.

Empire had the better ending.

Luke gets his hand cut off,
finds out Vader's his father.

Han gets frozen, taken away by
Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note.

I mean, that's what life is
a series of down endings.

All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.

There was something else going on
in Jedi. I never noticed it 'til today.

They build another Death Star, right?

The first one was fully operational
before the Rebels destroyed it.

Luke blew it up. Give credit.

The second one was being built
when they blew it up.

Compliments of Lando Calrissian.

Something never sat right with me
that second time.

I couldn't put my finger on it.
Something wasn't right.

And you figured it out.

The first Death Star
was manned by the Imperial Army.

The only people on board were
stormtroopers, dignitaries, imperialists.

Basically.

So when they blew it up, no problem.
Evil's punished.

- And the second time around?
- It wasn't even done being built yet.

- It was still under construction.
- So?

A job of that magnitude would require

a lot more manpower
than the Imperial Army had to offer.

I'll bet they brought
independent contractors in.

- Plumbers, roofers...
- Not just imperialists.

- Is that what you're getting at?
- To get it built quickly,

they'd hire anybody
that could do the job.

Think the average stormtrooper
can install a toilet main?

All they know is killing.

So they bring in independent
contractors.

Why are you so upset?

All those contractors
brought in are killed.

Casualties of a war
they had nothing to do with.

Look, you're a roofer. Some juicy
government contract comes your way.

You got a wife and kids,
the two-storey in suburbia.

This is a government contract
which means all sorts of benefits.

Along come these militants who blast
everything within a 3-mile radius.

You didn't ask for that.
You had no personal politics.

- You're trying to scrape out a living.
- I don't mean to interrupt,

- what are you talking about?
- The ending of Return of the Jedi.

He's trying to convince me

that any independent contractors
working on the Death Star

were innocent victims
when it was destroyed.

I'm a contractor myself. I'm a roofer.

"Done and Ready Home lmprovements."

Speaking as a roofer, I can tell you
a roofer's personal politics

- comes into play when choosing jobs.
- Like when?

Three weeks ago, I was offered a job
up in the hills. Beautiful house.

Tons of property.
A simple re-shingling job.

They told me if I could finish it
in one day, I would double my price.

- Then I realised whose house it was.
- Whose was it?

- Dominic Bambino's.
- "Baby Face" Bambino? The gangster?

The same! The money was right,
but the risk was too high.

I knew who he was, and based on that,
I turned the job over to a friend.

- Based on personal politics.
- Right!

The next week, the Foresci family
put a hit on Baby Face's house.

My friend was shot and killed.
Didn't even finish re-shingling.

No way.

I'm alive because I knew the risk
involved in that particular client.

My friend wasn't so lucky.

Any contractor working on that
Death Star knew the risk involved.

If they got killed, it's their own fault.

A roofer listens to this, not his wallet.

They say so much, but they never
tell you if it's any good.

Are either one of these any good?

- Sir?
- What?

- Are either one of these any good?
- I don't watch movies.

Well, have you heard anything
about either one of them?

I find it's best to stay out
of other people's affairs.

You mean you haven't heard anybody
say anything about either one of these?

Nope.

- Well, what about these two?
- They suck.

These are the same two movies.

- You weren't paying any attention.
- No, I wasn't.

I don't think your manager
would appreciate...

- I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
- I beg your pardon?

Your ruse.
Your cunning attempt to trick me.

I was only pointing out that
you weren't paying any attention.

And I hope it feels good.

- You hope what feels good?
- I hope it feels so good to be right.

Nothing's more exhilarating
than pointing out

the shortcomings of others, is there?

Well, this is
the last time I rent here!

- You will be missed.
- Screw you!

You're not allowed to
rent here any more!

Yeah!

Screw me?

You'll never believe
what this unruly customer said.

- Wait.
- She in here?

This guy's going through all the eggs.

This has been going on
for 20 minutes now.

- What's he looking for?
- Said he has to find the perfect dozen.

- Perfect dozen?
- Each egg has to be perfect.

- The quest isn't going well?
- Obviously not.

- Look at the cartons that didn't make it.
- Why doesn't he mix and match?

- I told him that, and he yelled at me.
- What'd he say?

He said it's important to have standards.
No one has pride any more.

It's not like you laid the eggs yourself.

I give him five more minutes.
After that, I'm calling the cops.

I don't need this.
I'm not even supposed to be here today.

Two packs of cigarettes.

- I'm as puzzled as you.
- I've actually seen it before.

- You know him?
- No, but I know the behaviour.

He's looking for the
perfect carton of eggs?

How'd you know?

- I'll bet you he's a guidance counsellor.
- Why do you say that?

I saw it happen in Food City, last year.
Different guy, though.

Stock boy said he looked through
cartons for half an hour,

doing all sorts
of endurance tests and stuff.

I asked him why nobody ever called
the manager, and he said it happens

two, three times a week,
sometimes more.

- Get out of here.
- No, I kid you not.

They call it shell shock. Seems to
only happen with guidance counsellors.

They used to make a big deal of it.
They just let it go now.

They always pay for whatever they
break. They never bother anybody.

Why guidance counsellors?

If your job was as meaningless
as theirs, wouldn't you go crazy too?

- My guidance counsellor was worthless.
- See?

It's important to have a job
that makes a difference.

That's why I manually masturbate caged
animals for artificial insemination.

You can go your own way

Go your own way

You can call it another lonely day

Did you ever notice
that all the prices end in 9?

Damn, that's eerie.

You know how much money the
average jizz-mopper makes per hour?

What's a jizz-mopper?

The guy that cleans up the nudie booths
after each guy jerks off.

- "Nudie booth"?
- Yeah, nudie booth.

- You ever been in a nudie booth?
- Guess not.

Oh, man, it's great.

You go into a booth, and there's
glass between you and these chicks.

They put on a show for you
for 10 bucks.

What kind of a show?

Think of the weirdest, craziest shit
you'd like to see chicks do.

These chicks do it all. They insert
things into any opening on their body.

- Any opening.
- Can we not talk about this now?

The jizz-mopper's job is to clean it up
after each guy shoots a load.

Everybody does it right on the window.

I don't know if you know this,
cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it.

- I will never come to this place again.
- Excuse me?

Using filthy language in front of the
customers. You both should be fired.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I guess we kinda got carried away.

I don't know if sorry can make up for it.

You've highly offended me.

Well, if you think that's offensive,
check this out.

Oh!

- You can see her kidneys.
- Why do you do things like that?

- You know he's going tell the boss.
- Who cares?

He's an asshole. Everybody
that comes in is way too uptight.

This job would be great
if it wasn't for the fucking customers.

- I'm gonna hear from the boss tomorrow.
- Would you loosen up?

You'd feel better if you'd
rip into the occasional customer.

Why? I don't bother them
and they don't bother me.

Liar! Tell me there aren't customers

that annoy the piss out of you
on a daily basis.

- There aren't!
- How can you lie like that?

Why don't you vent? Vent your
frustrations. Who pisses you off?

Well, I guess it isn't
customers in particular.

Maybe just a group of customers.

- Well, let's hear it.
- Well, the Milk Maids.

The Milk Maids?

The women that go through every gallon
of milk, looking for that later date,

as if somewhere beyond all the
gallons is a container of milk

that won't go bad for like a decade.

You know who I can do without?
The people in the video store.

- Which ones?
- All of 'em.

What would you get for a 6-year-old
boy who chronically wets his bed?

So, do you have any new movies in?

Do you have that one with that guy

who was in that movie
that was out last year?

They never rent quality flicks.

They always pick the most intellectually
devoid movie on the racks.

Ooh! Navy Seals!

In order to join they have to have an IQ
less than their shoe size.

You think you get stupid questions?
You should hear the barrage that I get.

There's no ice?
I've got to drink this coffee hot?

So, how much is this thing anyway?

Do you sell hubcaps
for a '72 Pinto hatchback?

Oh, Mini Truckin' magazine.

- See? You vented. Don't you feel better?
- No.

- Why not?
- My ex-girlfriend is getting married.

You got a one-track mind.
It's always Caitlin, Caitlin, Caitlin.

Veronica!

- What happened to home by 12:00?
- Boss hasn't shown up yet.

- How come you're not in class?
- Got cancelled.

- So I brought you some lunch.
- What is it?

Peanut butter and jelly with the crusts
cut off. What do you think?

- It's lasagne.
- Really?

Oh, you're the queen.

I'm glad you calmed down a bit.
Hi, Randal.

- Thirty-seven?
- Shut up!

Yes, I've calmed down.
I'm not happy, but I'll be able to deal.

Why don't you go back
to the video store?

- You had to tell him?
- I had to. He put it into perspective.

- What did he say?
- He said at least he wasn't 36.

And that made you feel better?

And he said most of them were college
guys I never even seen or met before.

The ostrich syndrome.
If you don't see it...

It isn't there. Yes.

- Thank you for being rational.
- Thank you for the lasagne.

- Couldn't get the shutters open?
- No.

I called the locksmith. The earliest
he can be here is tomorrow morning.

Bummer. Well, I gotta
head back for the 1:30 class.

- What time you get finished?
- 8:00. I have a sorority meeting 'til 9:00.

I'll see you when you close.
Can we go out for coffee?

- Sure.
- Good.

See you when you close.
Enjoy the lasagne.

Vermont?

No, that can't be.
I just talked to him this morning.

He left at what time?

He really went to Vermont? When
the hell was someone going to tell me?

He promised me he'd be here by noon!

Jesus, when does he get back?

Tuesday? You've gotta be
fucking kidding me!

I've got a game at 2:00,
the shutters are jammed.

And he's in Vermont?
I'm not even supposed to be here today!

So I'm stuck here until closing?

Oh, this is just great.
I can't fucking believe this.

No. No, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to yell at you.

Yeah, I know.

No, I'll be all right.

Well, that's all I can do, right? Yeah.

- All right, thanks. Bye.
- Vermont?

- Can you fucking believe this?
- He didn't mention that to you?

Not a word!
Not a fucking word, that slippery shit.

- So, what? You're stuck here all day?
- Fuck!

- Why'd you apologise?
- What?

I heard you. Why?
You had every reason to be mad.

I know!

That seems to be the leitmotif
in your life.

- Ever backing down.
- I don't back down!

You always back down.
You assume blame that's not yours.

You come in on your day off.
You buckle like a belt.

- Know what pisses me off?
- That I'm right about your buckling?

- I'm going to miss the game!
- Because you buckled.

- Shut up with that shit. It ain't helping!
- Don't yell at me, pal.

- I'm sorry.
- See'? There you go again.

I can't believe
I'm going to miss the game.

At least we're stuck here together.

You got a customer.

What? What do you want?

I can't fucking believe this.

Yeah, hello, Sanford. Dante.

I can't play today. I'm stuck at work.

Yeah, I know I'm not scheduled today...
Forget it.

Point is, I can't play today.
Neither can Randal. He's working too.

Wait a second.
Do we have to play at the park?

Hold on. You feeling limber?

- Pull my laces tighter, man.
- I've got to tell you,

this is one of the ballsiest moves
I've been privy to.

I never thought you capable of such
a disregard of store policy.

I told him I had a game.
It's his own fault.

No arguments here.

- Insubordination rules.
- I just want to play hockey.

I'm gonna grab a Gatorade.

If you grab one, then everybody will.

- So?
- Who's gonna pay for these Gatorades?

- What do you care, motherfucker?
- I have a responsibility.

- Everybody can't grab free drinks.
- What responsibility?

- You're closing the store to play hockey.
- He's got a point.

Will you let me maintain
some semblance of control?

If you're gonna be insubordinate,
go the full nine,

not pussy out when it comes to free shit.

As if we're going to have a run
on Gatorade.

- Fuckin' A.
- All right! Jesus, you fuckers are pushy!

I hear Caitlin's marrying
an Asian drum major.

- Design major.
- Can we not talk about this?

Fine, but you're living in denial
and suppressing rage, motherfucker.

- You gonna lock the store?
- You gonna lock the video store?

Look who you're asking here.
How're we gonna block the street?

- We're not playing in the street.
- Then where are we gonna play?

Hit 'em, hit 'em, hit 'em!

I got it! I got it! It's mine, it's mine!

Yeah!

Hit 'em!

All right, here we go. I got it.

- When is this period over?
- Eight minutes.

What, are you shitting me?
I wanna get cigarettes.

Just wait a few minutes.

I'm gonna break my neck on this ladder.

Lose the skates, Dorothy Hamill,
and open the fucking store!

- Where are you?
- He's busy!

In a second!

Fuck "in a second"!
Oh, look at you. You can't even pass.

I can pass!

How about covering the point?
You suck!

- Who are you to make assessments?
- I'll assess all I want, pal!

- Dante, you in or out?
- Don't pass to this guy. He sucks.

- You're any better?
- I can whip your ass any day.

- Easy to say over there.
- Give me a stick, pretty boy!

I'll knock your fucking teeth out
and pass all over your ass!

- You open?
'Yeah-YOU open?

- No!
- No!

There's a stick.
You're shooting up against this goal.

Hey, Redding! Come on.
Get this fucker!

Oh, man! Hey!

Come on. Let's go, let's go!
Come on, come on. Get him!

Come on. Get him, get him!

- Give me another ball.
- There are no more.

What are you talking about?
How many balls you bring?

I brought the orange one
and... the orange one.

Hey, any balls down there?

About the biggest pair
you ever seen, dingleberry.

- You only brought one?
- I thought Redding brought all the balls.

- Dante had the balls.
- Nobody has another ball?

Shit!

We got what, 12 minutes of a game
and it's over? Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck!
I'm not even supposed to be here today.

I still get free Gatorade, right?

- Be careful.
- I'm trying.

You know, the insides of those has
got stuff that can give you cancer.

- So I'm told.
- Yeah.

I had a friend that chewed glass
for a living. In the circus.

And he got cancer
from chewing fluorescent bulb glass?

- Got hit by a bus.
- Oh. Can I help you?

Well, uh, that depends.
You got maybe a toilet in here?

- Yeah, but it's for employees only.
- I understand.

But I, uh, thought maybe
you'd let me use it anyway.

I'm not so young any more and I'm,
how do you say, a little incontinent.

- Sure. In the back, through the cooler.
- Thank you, sonny boy.

Say, uh, what kind of toilet paper
you got back there?

- The white kind.
- I didn't ask about the colour.

I mean, is it rough or is it cottony?

- Actually, it's kinda rough.
- Oh, boy!

It's gonna knock the hell
out of my haemorrhoids.

I thought maybe you could
let me have a roll of the soft stuff.

I see you sell the soft stuff back there.

Yeah, but...

Come on, boitshik!
What's the difference?

You said yourself
you have the rough stuff in the back.

- Yeah, sure. Go ahead.
- Thank you, sonny boy.

You're a lifesaver.

Say, young fella,
I hate to bother you again,

but, uh, maybe I could have something
in the back there to read?

A paper or something?

Sometimes it takes me a while,

and I like to have something
to read while it's going on.

Yeah, sure, go ahead.

One of the magazines you got
in the back behind the counter.

- The porno mags?
- Yeah!

I like the cartoons.
They make me laugh.

They draw some of the biggest titties
you ever saw.

Not this one. Maybe the one
you got underneath this one.

- They got bigger titties in there.
- Here.

- Now leave me alone.
- Oh, thank you, sonny boy.

I appreciate it.

Hell of a game.

One ball? I close the store, they come
all the way here, for one ball?

Hockey is hockey.
At least we got to play.

Twelve minutes is not a game.
It's hardly even a warm up.

- Bitch, bitch. Want something to drink?
- Yeah, a Gatorade.

Hey, what happened
to all the Gatorade?

Exactly. They drank it all.

- Know what Sanford told me?
- I can't believe she's marrying.

- Julie Dwyer died.
- Yeah, right.

- No, I'm serious.
- Oh, my God!

Sanford's brother dates her cousin.
He found out this morning.

- How? When?
- Embolism in her brain. Yesterday.

Jesus.

She was swimming in the pool
in the YMCA when it happened.

- She died mid-backstroke.
- I haven't seen her in, like, two years.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't she
one of the illustrious 12?

- Yeah, number six.
- You've had sex with a dead person.

- I'm gonna go to her wake.
- No, you're not. It's today.

- What'?
- The next shows at 4:00.

- What about tomorrow?
- She's buried in the morning.

- You gotta watch the store. I gotta go.
- Wait.

Has it occurred to you
I might be bereaved?

You hardly knew her.

True. Do you know how many people
will be there?

- All her old classmates.
- This is beneath even you.

I'm not gonna miss what's probably
the social event of the season.

- You hate people!
- But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?

Stop being an asshole.
Someone's gotta watch the store.

- If you go, I go.
- She meant nothing to you!

She meant nothing to you neither
'til I told you she died.

- I'm not taking you.
- I'm going with you.

I can't close the store.

You just closed the store
to play hockey.

Which means I can't close it for another
hour just so we can both go to a wake.

You were saying?

Thanks for putting me in
such a tough spot. You're a good friend.

- She was pretty young, huh?
- Twenty-two. Just like us.

- Embolism in a pool.
- What an embarrassing way to die.

That's nothing compared to
how my cousin Walter died.

HOW did he die?

- He broke his neck.
- That's embarrassing?

He broke his neck
trying to suck his own dick.

- Shut the hell up.
- I swear.

- Stop it.
- Bible truth.

Oh, my God!

Haven't you ever tried to
suck your dick?

- No.
- Yeah, right. You're so repressed.

- Because I never tried to suck my dick?
- No, because you won't admit to it.

As if a guy's a fucking pervert
'cause he tries to go down on himself.

You're as curious as the rest of us, pal.
You've tried it.

- Who found him?
- My cousin? My aunt found him.

It was a mess. He was on his bed,
his legs doubled over himself.

My aunt freaked out.

You know that you are a shooting star

- Made it, huh? Dick in his mouth?
- Yeah.

Balls resting on his lips.

- Wow. He really made it.
- Yeah, but at what a price.

- I can never reach.
- Reach what?

- You know.
- What, your dick?

Yeah. Like you said, I guess everybody
gets curious and tries it sometime.

I never tried it.

Fucking pervert.

Suddenly everyone loved
to hear him play his songs

Watch the world go by
Surprising it goes so fast

Johnny looked around him and said
"Hey, I've made the big time at last"

- I knew this was a bad idea.
- Listen to you.

I can't help it. At least on the roof,
I could see if anybody wanted to go in.

Nobody's there. It's 4:00 on a Saturday.

How many people ever come to
the store at 4:00 on a Saturday?

Let me in!

Do you know your place

In the big charade

Are you more than dead

Leaders and followers
Leaders and followers

I can't fucking believe you.

I'm telling you, it wasn't my fault.

- You knocked the casket over!
- I was leanin' on it. It was an accident.

Like someone knocks a casket
over on purpose!

- So the casket fell over. Big deal.
- Her fucking body fell out!

I put her back in it. It's not like
it matters if she breaks something.

- Just go open the video store.
- Open the video store!

Shut the fuck up, junkie.

Would you just go open
the video store?

Yeah, you cock-smokin' clerk.

How many times have I told you
not to deal in front of the store?

I'm not. What're you talking about?

- Have you got anything, man?
- What you want?

- Let me borrow your car.
- I don't want to talk to you.

- Fine. Just let me borrow your car.
- Why should I loan you my car?

- I want to rent a movie.
- You want to rent a movie.

I want to rent a movie.

What's that for?

- You work in a video store!
- I work in a shitty video store.

I want to go to a good video store
so I can get a good movie.

And a pack of cigarettes.

- Cute cat. What's its name?
- Annoying customer.

Fucking dickhead.

Can you imagine being halfway decent
to the customers?

- Let me borrow your car.
- May I be blunt with you?

If you must.

We are employees of
Quick Stop Convenience

and RST Video, respectively.

We have obligations that, although
they may seem cruel and unusual,

- mean manning the store until closing.
- I see.

So playing hockey and attending wakes
are standard operating procedures?

Those are obligations that couldn't
have been met at any other date.

Renting videos, that's gratuitous, and
illogical, since you work at a video store.

- Are you open?
- Yes.

I don't care for your rationale.

It's gonna have to do,
being it's my car up for request.

- Can I help you?
- A pack of cigarettes.

- What's your point?
- You're a clerk, paid to do a job.

You can't just do anything
you want while you're working.

"Space alien revealed
as head of Time Warner.

"Reports stock increase."

They print any kind of shit in this paper.

They certainly do. $3.

Your argument is
title dictates behaviour.

What?

You won't let me use your car because
I have a title and job description.

- I'm supposed to follow it, right?
- Exactly.

I saw one one time that said,

"The next week, the world is ending."

In the next week's paper, they said,

"We were miraculously saved
at the zero hour

"by a koala-fish mutant bird."

Crazy shit.

I'm no more responsible
for my decisions here than

a death squad soldier in Bosnia?

You're not being asked to slay children
or anything.

- Yeah, not yet.
- And I remember one time...

I'm gonna break your fucking head,
you fucking jerk!

- I'm sorry. He meant to hit me.
- Well, he missed.

Here, let me refund your money
and we'll call it even.

I'll never come in here again.

And if I see you again, I'm gonna break
your fucking head open!

- What the fuck did you do that for?
- Two reasons.

One, I hate it when people can't shut up
about the stupid tabloid headlines.

And two, to prove a point.
Title does not dictate behaviour.

- What?
- If title dictated my behaviour as a clerk

I wouldn't be allowed to spit water
at that guy, but I did.

My point is that people
dictate their own behaviour.

Even though I work in a video store,
I choose to rent movies at Big Choice.

Agreed?

You are a danger to the dead
and the living.

I like to think
I'm a master of my own destiny.

- Please get the hell outta here.
- You know I'm your hero.

Sounds like somebody
needs to hit the gym.

Excuse me?

You strained when you picked up
that milk.

- It only weighs 7 pounds.
- I didn't strain. I sighed.

I don't think so. That was a grunt.

A deep inhalation of oxygen
to aid in the stretching of muscles.

I'm a trainer. I know what that
sound signifies. You're out of shape.

- What? There's no fat on my body.
- No fat!

No tone either.
You don't get enough exercise.

- You open?
- Yes.

- Just the paper.
- Thirty-five.

Hey, uh, let me ask you a question.
Think this guy's out of shape?

Can't really tell from here.

- He is.
- I am not!

How much can you bench?

- I don't know.
- I'd say about 60, 70, tops.

I know I can bench more than that.

- Three-fifty, four.
- No way!

Feel that.

Hey, that's tight. Solid.

Now feel this.
Roll up your sleeve, chief.

- Oh, for God's sakes!
- See, you're ashamed.

You know you're out of shape.

Here. Take my card.

I can get you on an aerobics,
free weights programme.

- Are you open?
- Yes. I'm not out of shape.

Excuse me.
Have you been here all day?

- Yeah, since 6:00 this morning.
- He's got those love handles.

I don't have love handles!

- Were you working here about 4:00?
- Yes.

It's from being around this food
every day.

Oh, I know.

If I had to work here all day,
I'd be bloated and out of shape too.

- I'm not out of shape.
- Can I have your name, please?

Dante Hicks. Why?
What's this all about?

You're Dante Hicks? Oh, my God.
I didn't even recognise you.

- Because he's out of shape!
- Do I know you?

Do you remember Alyssa Jones?
She used to hang out...

- With Caitlin Bree!
- I'm her sister.

You're Alyssa's sister Heather?

- Yeah.
- You, uh, say Caitlin Bree?

- Yeah.
- Pretty girl?

A little taller than her? Gorgeous body?

- Yeah.
- And you're Dante Hicks.

You went to the same school,
played hockey.

- How did you know that?
- You still goin' out with her?

- No, she's getting married.
- To you?

No. To an Asian design major.

Aw, Shit!

Don't take this the wrong way,
but, uh, I used to fuck her.

- What?
- Yeah, about two, three years ago.

While you two were dating.
I drove a black Trans Am.

- You're Rick Derris?
- Yeah.

- You know him?
- Yeah.

- Caitlin talked about him all the time.
- Really?

Wait a second. You used to fuck
Caitlin Bree while I was dating her?

Don't let it bother you.
That was a long time ago.

I'm surprised you didn't know about it.

Everybody in school knew about it.
Even in my class.

Jesus Christ! What next?

- Here you go.
- What's this?

- A fine for $500.
- What?

Five hundred bucks? For what?

For violation of New Jersey Statute,
Section 2A, number 170/51.

Any person who sells
or makes available tobacco,

or tobacco-related products,
to persons under the age of 18,

is regarded as disorderly.

- What are you talkin' about?
- An angry mother called the state

and claimed that a Quick Stop employee

sold her 4-year-old daughter
a pack of cigarettes today.

The Division of Taxation
called the Board of Health

and sent me down to issue a fine.

You claimed you were working here
all day. Hence, the fine is yours.

The fine is doubled
due to the young age of the child.

But I didn't sell any cigarettes
to any kids!

You sold cigarettes to a 4-year-old?
What a scumbag!

That's sick, Dante.

I didn't sell cigarettes to any kids!
I swear!

The due date is on the bottom.

This summons cannot be contested
in any court of law.

Failure to remit will result
in a charge of criminal negligence,

and a warrant
will be issued for your arrest.

Have a nice day.

But I didn't sell cigarettes to any kids.
Hey, wait a minute!

Forget it. I don't wanna deal with a guy
that sells cigarettes to 4-year-olds.

Can I, uh, give you a lift somewhere?

Sure. How 'bout the beach?

I like the way you think.

Jesus! What next?

- Dante?
- What? Caitlin!

- When did you get home?
- Just now.

I can't believe it.
I haven't seen you in so long.

Dante, you have a customer.

I just saw Alyssa's little sister outside.

- She was with Rick Derris.
- Let's not talk about her.

- How'd you get home?
- Train. It took eight hours.

- I can't believe you're here.
- Excuse me. Do you...

Back behind the oil.
How long you staying?

Until Monday.
Then I have to take the train back.

Pack of cigarettes. Congratulations.

I saw the announcement
in today's paper.

She's marrying an Asian design major.

So I'm told.

You're just gonna close the store?

I wanna talk to you,
and I don't wanna be disturbed.

Something I read in the tabloids.

- You saw it.
- Very dramatic, I thought.

- It's not what you think.
- Oh, it's not.

What? You're pregnant
with the Asian design major's child?

- What's goin' on here?
- I am not pregnant.

Were you gonna tell me,
or send me an invitation?

I was gonna tell you,
but we were getting along so well.

You could've broken it gently.

You could've told me you had a
boyfriend. I told you I had a girlfriend.

I'm sorry, but when we started talking,
it was like I forgot I had a boyfriend.

- And then he proposed last month.
- You said yes.

Well, kind of. Sort of.

Is that what they teach you in school?
"Kind of," "Sort of“?

Everybody knows!
Do you know how humiliating that is?

I would've told you,
and you would've stopped calling me.

- How do you know that?
- I know you.

You prefer drastic measures
to rational ones.

- So you're really getting married?
- No.

You're not really getting married?

The story goes like this. He proposed,
I told him I had to think about it,

and he insisted that I wear the ring.

Then my mother told the paper
we were engaged.

- I don't like her.
- Then my mother called

to let me know the announcement
was in the paper.

I hopped a train to come here,
because I knew you'd be a wreck.

- Thanks for the vote of confidence.
- Was I right?

"Wreck" is a harsh term.

"Disturbed" is more like it.
"Mildly disturbed".

I love a macho facade.
It is such a turn-on.

- What smells like shoe polish?
- So you came here to comfort me?

The last thing I needed was
for you to think I was hiding something.

- But you were!
- No, I wasn't! Not really.

I told you I'd been seeing other people.

But not seriously.
You're ready to walk down the aisle.

That constitutes something
more than seeing somebody.

- What's going on?
- I'm giving him his ring back.

- What?
- I don't want to marry him.

I don't want to get married now.
I'm on the verge of graduation.

I want to go to grad school after this,
and then I want to start a career.

I don't want to be a wife

and then worry about
when I'm gonna fit in the other stuff.

I have come way too far
and studied too damn hard

to let my education
go to waste as a housewife.

And I know that's what I'd become.

Sang's just signed with a major firm,
and he's gonna pull in a huge salary,

which would give me no reason to work.

- He's very traditional.
- Wait a minute.

- His name is Sang? Past tense?
- Stop it. He's a nice guy.

Well, if he's so nice,
why aren't you marrying him?

- I just told you.
- There's more to this, isn't there?

Oh! Why, Mr Hicks,
whatever do you mean?

- I don't have something to do with it.
- You have nothing to do with it.

- You lie!
- Look how full of yourself you are!

I believe in giving credit where it's due.

I believe I'm the impetus
behind your refusal to wed.

If I'm so nuts about you, then why am I
having sex with an Asian design major?

Oh, Jesus. You're so caustic.

I had to knock you down
from that cloud you were on.

When I say I don't want to get married,
I mean that.

I don't want to marry anybody.
Not for years.

Who's asking?
I don't want to marry you.

Well, good. Keep in that frame of mind.

- Well, let's date.
- Oh, I think Sang and Veronica,

they'd love that.

We can introduce them.
They may hit it off.

You're serious? You wanna date again?

I wanna be your boyfriend, yes.

It's just the shock of seeing me
after three years.

- Believe me, you'll get over it.
- Give me a bit more credit.

I think it's time we got back together.

I'm more mature, you're more mature.
You're finishing college.

- I'm already in the job market.
- You work in a market.

Tell me you wouldn't
wanna go out with me again

- after all the talking we've done.
- The key word here is "talk".

I think the idea,
or the conception of us dating,

is a lot more idyllic than
what actually happens when we date.

What are we supposed to do?
Pretend over the phone we're dating?

I don't know. Maybe we should just
see what happens.

- Let me take you out tonight.
- On a date?

Yeah, a real date. Dinner and a movie.

Oh, the Dante Hicks
dinner-and-movie date.

- I think I've been on that one before.
- Do you have a better suggestion?

Well, how about the Caitlin Bree

walk-on-the-boardwalk-then-get-
naked-somewhere kind-of-private date?

- I hear that's kind of a popular date.
- Jerk!

Here I am, throwing myself at you,
succumbing to your wily charms,

and you're calling me a slut
in so many words.

- What about Sing?
- Sang!

- He's not invited.
- He's your fiancé.

I'm offering you my body,
and you're offering me semantics.

He's just a boyfriend, and in case
you haven't gotten the drift

of why I came all the way here
from Ohio...

Duh! I'm about to become single again.

And, yes, allow me to placate your ego.

You are the inspiration
for this bold and momentous decision

that will probably get me ostracised
from both school and home.

You ask me who I choose.

I choose you.

- So, what are you saying?
- You are such an asshole.

I'm just kidding!

I can already see this is not gonna work.

- I'll ask Randal to close up.
- Where is he, anyway?

I thought he'd be at your side
like a lapdog.

He went to go rent a movie.
He isn't back yet.

I'll close up and leave him a note.

You are too responsible.
But no, I have to go home first.

They don't even know
I've left school yet.

I should break the disengagement news
to my mother,

which is gonna cause quite a row
considering she loves Sang.

- Who doesn't?
- Well, me, I guess.

So I shall take my leave of you,

but I will return in a little while,

at which time I would love to go
for dinner and a movie with you.

What happened to the walk
and the nakedness?

I'm easy, but I'm not that easy.

See you later, handsome.

Yes!

- Get to work.
- Hey, what'd you rent?

"Best of Both Worlds"?

Hermaphroditic porn.
Starlets with both organs.

You should see the box.
Beautiful chicks with dicks.

- And you rented this?
- I like to expand my horizons.

I got fined for selling cigarettes
to a minor.

No way.

- Five hundred dollars.
- Bullshit.

No, I'm not.

Holy shit! I didn't think
they enforced this.

- Living proof.
- You never sold cigarettes to kids.

- I didn't. You did.
- Really?

Yep. A little girl, maybe 4 years old.

Holy shit! That girl?

As opposed to hundreds
of other children

you've sold cigarettes
while working here.

- How come you got the fine?
- 'Cause I'm here.

- You're lyin'.
- No, I'm not.

- Why aren't you screaming at me?
- I'm happy.

- I'm happy.
- You're happy to get a fine?

No, Caitlin came to see me.

Now I know you're lyin'.

- I'm not. She just left.
- What'd she say?

She's not marrying that guy.
She telling her mom.

- You're kiddin'.
- I'm not.

Well, you've had quite an evening.

She went home, getting ready
and we're going out.

Is there anything I can do for you?

- Watch the store.
- What about "Title dictates behaviour"?

This is my way of spitting water at life.

You want me to bring
the VCR over so we can watch this?

No, I might be leaving early
to go out with Caitlin.

You're gonna lock up the store tonight.

You're missin' out. Chicks with dicks.

My love for you is like a truck
Berserker

Would you like some making fuck
Berserker

My love for you is like a rock
Berserker

Berserker

Uh, no. Oh.

Well, Randal Graves,

scourge of the video renter.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Asian
Design Major herself, Caitlin Bree.

You saw that article? God, isn't it awful?
My mother sent that in.

- I take it she likes the guy.
- You'd think she's marrying him.

- What are you watching?
- Children's programming.

What'd your mom say
when you told her?

She said not to come home
until after graduation.

Wow. You got thrown out for Dante?

What can I say?
He does weird things to me.

- Can I watch?
- You can hold me down.

- Can I join in?
- You might be let down.

- I'm not a hermaphrodite.
- Hey, few are.

What makes you think you can maintain
a relationship with him this time?

A woman's intuition.

Something inside of me says
it's time to give him a serious try.

Wow. Hey, you know, you and I
have something in common.

- We both eat Chinese.
- Dick.

- Exactly.
- So where is he?

He went home to change
for the big date.

- God, isn't he great?
- No. This is great.

Oh, lord. Can I use your bathroom?

- There's no lights.
- Why aren't there any?

There are, but for some reason
they stop working at 5:14.

- You're kidding.
- Nobody can figure it out.

The boss doesn't want
to pay the electrician

because he owes money
to the video store.

- Such a sordid state of affairs.
- And I'm caught in the middle,

torn between my loyalty for the boss
and my desire to piss with lights on.

Well, I'll try to manage.

Oh, hey, Caitlin? Break his heart
again this time, and I'll kill you.

Nothing personal.

You are very protective of him, Randal.
You always have been.

Territoriality. He was mine first.

Oh, that was so cute.

Who eats cock?

Bunch of savages in this town.

Caitlin's in the back. Check on her.

- She's been back there a long time.
- There are no lights.

I told her that.
She said she didn't need any.

Why don't you go join her?
Make a little bathroom bam-bam.

I love your sexy talk.
It's so kindergarten.

- Poo-poo, wee-wee.
- Fuck you.

I said stop.

- Oh, God.
- It's all about pain, you bastard!

How did you get here so fast?

I left like an hour ago.

Do you always talk this weird
after you violate a woman?

Maybe the Asian design major
slipped her some opium.

- Could be.
- It has never been like that before.

Like what?

When you just lay perfectly still
and let me do everything.

- Am I missing something here?
- Okay.

I went back and Dante
was already waiting for me.

- He was?
- It was so cool.

He didn't say a word. He didn't have to.

He was just ready.

You know. And, like,
we didn't kiss or talk or anything.

He just sat there
and let me do all the work.

You dog.
I didn't even see you go back there.

The fact that there
weren't any lights on made it so...

God, that was so great!

My legs are still shaking.

It wasn't me.

Yeah, right. Who was it, then? Randal?

- Was it you?
- I was up here the whole time.

- You two better quit it.
- I'm serious.

Oh, so we didn't
just have sex in the bathroom?

No.

Stop it. This isn't funny.

I'm not fooling around.
I just came in from outside.

- This isn't fucking funny.
- I'm not kidding.

- Who went back there?
- Nobody. I swear.

- I feel nauseous.
- Sure there was someone there?

Well, I didn't just fuck myself!
Jesus Christ!

- I'm gonna be sick.
- You just fucked a stranger?

- Shut up.
- I can't believe this.

- Call the police.
- No, don't!

A stranger just raped Caitlin.

- She did all the work.
- Will you shut the fuck up?

Who the fuck's in our bathroom?

Who is he?

I don't know. He came in
and asked to use the bathroom.

- What time was this?
- I don't know.

What time did hockey end?

Um, like 3200, 3230.

What time we get back
from the funeral?

4200, I think.

- Wait. Who was working here?
- Just me.

You said you went to play hockey
and then went to a funeral.

- Yeah, we did.
- Who was operating the store?

- Nobody. It was closed.
- With this guy locked in here?

Everything happened quickly,
I guess I forgot he was back there.

- Can we take it now?
- Go ahead.

Was he alive when Caitlin...

No. I place the time
of death about 3:20.

Then how could she... you know.

The body can maintain
erection after expiration for hours.

Did he have the adult magazine
when he came in?

No, I gave it to him. He asked me for it.

I can't say for certain,
but my guess is he was masturbating,

his heart seized and he died.
That's when the girl found him.

Something smells
like shoe polish.

This has got to be the weirdest thing
you've ever been called in on.

I had to tag a kid that broke his neck
trying to put his mouth on his penis.

What about Caitlin?

Shock trauma.
She's gonna need years of therapy.

My question is, how did she come
to have sex with a dead man?

She thought it was me.

What kind of convenience store
do you run here?

Salsa shark.

We're gonna need a bigger boat.

Man goes into cage,
cage goes into salsa.

Shark's in the salsa. Our shark.

What's with you, man? You haven't
said anything for 20 minutes.

What the hell's your problem?

- This life.
- This life?

Why do I have this life?

Have some chips. You'll feel better.

I'm stuck in this pit,
working for less than slave wages,

working on my day off.

The goddamn steel shutters are closed.

I deal with every fuck on the planet.
I smell like shoe polish.

My ex-girlfriend is catatonic
after fucking a dead guy,

and my present girlfriend
has sucked 36 dicks.

Thirty seven.

My life's in the shitter, and if you
don't mind, I'd like to stew a bit.

- You open?
- Yeah.

That's all bullshit.
Know what the real problem is?

I was born?

- You should shit or get off the pot.
- Shit or get off the pot.

- Yeah.
- What are you talking about?

This thing you have, this inability
to improve your station in life.

- Fuck you.
- It's true, man.

You blame life for dealing you
a cruddy hand,

never once accepting
responsibility for your situation.

- What responsibility?
- If you hate this job and the people

and the fact that you have to
come in on your day off, why not quit?

- Like it's that easy.
- It is. You just up and quit.

There's other jobs.
They pay better money.

You're qualified for at least one.
So what's stopping you?

- Leave me alone.
- You're comfortable?

This is a life of convenience
and any attempt to change it

would shatter the pathetic microcosm
you've fashioned for yourself.

Like your life's any better.

I'm satisfied with my situation for now.
You have been bitching all day.

Thank you. Go back to the video store.

- Same with Veronica.
- Leave her out.

You date Veronica because it's
convenient and she's low maintenance.

But all you do is talk about Caitlin.

You carry a torch for a girl
you dated in high school.

High school, for God's sakes.
You're 22.

- Leave me alone.
- If you want Caitlin, be with Caitlin.

If you want Veronica,
then be with Veronica.

But don't pine for one
and fuck the other.

Man, if you weren't
such a fucking coward...

If I wasn't such a fucking coward.

It must be great to have
this ability to simplify things.

- Am I right or what?
- You're wrong.

Things happened today
that ruined my chances with Caitlin.

Oh, what, the dead guy?
She'll get over fucking a dead guy.

Shit, my mom's been fucking a dead
guy for 30 years. I call him Dad.

Caitlin and I can't be together.
It's impossible.

Melodrama coming from you seems
as natural as an oral bowel movement.

What do you want me to say?
"Yes, some things you say are true"?

Things are not going to change.

- Make 'em change.
- I can't, all right?

Jesus, will you leave me alone?

I can't make changes in my life like that.
If I could, I would.

But I don't have the ability
to risk the comfortable situations

on the big money and fabulous prizes.

- Who are you kidding? You can so.
- Jesus H Christ! I can't.

So you're gonna be miserable 'cause
you don't have the guts to face change?

My mother told me once
that when I was 3 years old,

my potty lid was closed,

and instead of me lifting it,
I shit my pants.

Lovely story.

The point is, I'm not the type of person

who'll disrupt things
just so I can shit comfortably.

Noich, noich, noich
Smoking weed, smoking weed

Doin' coke, drinkin' beers

Pack o' "rass," my good man.

Time to kick back, drink some beers
and smoke some weed!

- Done poisoning the youth?
- Hell, yes, whatever that means.

Now it's time to head over to Atlantic,
drink some beers,

get ripped and, hopefully, get laid.

- $1.79.
- Pay the good man.

- Yeah, you close soon?
- In half an hour.

We get off the same time every day.

- We should hang out. You get high?
- I should start.

Wanna come to this party?
There's gonna be some pussy.

- With you? I don't think so.
- "I don't hang out with drug dealers."

- Nothing personal.
- What happened with that old guy?

- He died in the bathroom.
- I heard he was jerkin' off.

I don't know. I wasn't watching.

He saw that Caitlin chick. I know
I felt like beatin' it when I saw her.

Come here, bitch. You like this? Huh?

- This what you want?
- Knock it off.

- That used to be my girlfriend.
- Oh, you used to go out with her?

I thought we might be starting again.

- Don't you already have a girlfriend?
- Yeah, Veronica.

- You're gonna dump her for Caitlin?
- Maybe.

I don't know, dude.

Caitlin's nice, but I see Veronica
doing shit for you all the time.

I saw her rubbing your back,
brings your food.

Didn't I see her change your tyre once?

I jacked up the car. All she did was
unloosen the nuts and put the tyre on.

- All I know is she does a lot for you.
- She's my girlfriend.

I had some girlfriends too, but all they
wanted from me was weed and shit.

My grandmother would say,
"What's better?

"A good plate with nothing on it?"
No, wait. I fucked up.

"What's a good plate
with nothing on it?"

- Meaning?
- I don't know. She was senile.

She used to fuckin' piss herself
all the time, and shit herself.

Come on, Silent Bob.
Let's get out of this fuckin' gyp joint

with this fuckin' faggot Dante.
You cock smoker.

There's a million fine-lookin' women
in the world, dude,

but they don't all bring you lasagne
at work. Most just cheat on you.

Come on, limp dick!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's right.

I love her.

That's it. He doesn't love you any more.
He loves Caitlin.

And he told you all of this?

Pretty much. All except the latent
homosexuality part. That's my theory.

I don't know what to say.

Don't hold it against him. He just
never got Caitlin out of his system.

It's not your fault. It's Dante.

Look. I don't know thing one
about chicks.

So if you gotta cry or something,
I can get out of here.

- I'm not sad.
- You're not?

OW! What did you do that for?

If you didn't wanna go out with me,
why didn't you say so?

Instead you pussyfoot around
and see that slut!

- What?
- You've been talking to her for weeks!

Only a few times.

Then you freak out because
I've gone down on a couple of guys.

Oh, a couple?

I'm not trying to patch up with my ex,
sneaking around behind your back!

If you think 37 dicks are a lot, just wait.

I'm going to put the hookers
in Times Square to shame!

- Will you let me explain?
- What?

How you've been waiting until the time
was right to dump me for her?

- It isn't like that!
- Damn right!

I won't let it be like that.
You want your slut? Fine.

- I don't want Caitlin.
- You don't know what you want!

But I'm not going to hold your hand
any more until you figure it out!

I've tried with you, Dante.

I've encouraged you to get out of this
fucking dump and go back to school,

to take charge and find direction.

I transferred so maybe you'd be more
inclined to go back if I was with you.

Everyone said it was a stupid move,
but I didn't care because I loved you

and wanted to see you
pull yourself out of this funk

that you've been in since that whore
dumped you so many years ago.

You wanna go back to her
so she can fuck you over more!

- I don't wanna go back...
- Of course. Not now.

You're caught,
and now you're trying to snake out.

I want you to follow through so you
can find out what an idiot you are.

And when she dumps you again,
and I promise you, she will,

when she dumps you again
I want to laugh in your face

so you realise what you gave up
our relationship for.

I'm glad Randal had the balls
to tell me since you couldn't.

Having him tell me was the weakest
move ever. You're spineless.

- Veronica, I love you.
- Fuck you!

Dante?

Our problems seem a world away

Close your eyes

And they'll all go away

Close the night and listen

Close your eyes to me

And sell the lie

My face

Shall live

You'll all be replaced

How's your eye?

The swelling's not that bad,
but the FDS stings.

- How's your neck?
- It's kind of hard to swallow.

You didn't have to choke me, you know.

Why did you tell Veronica I was
gonna dump her to go with Caitlin?

- I thought I was doing you a favour.
- Oh, Jesus.

You're always saying
how you can't initiate change.

- I thought I'd give you a hand.
- Thanks.

You still didn't have to choke me.

Oh, please.
I'm surprised I didn't kill you.

- Why do you say that?
- Why do I say that?

Forget it.

No, really.
What did I do that was so wrong?

What don't you do?

Sometimes I think you come to work
to make my life miserable.

- How do you figure?
- What time did you get to work?

Like 10:00, or 10 after.

You were half an hour late.
And then all you do is come in here.

- Yeah, to talk to you.
- Which means the video store is closed.

- It's not like I'm miles away.
- Unless you're out renting videos.

Hermaphrodites. I rented it
so we could watch it together.

You get me slapped with a fine.

You argue with the customers,
and I have to patch everything up.

You get us thrown out of a funeral
by violating the corpse.

To top it off, you ruin my relationship.
What's your encore?

I mean, what's your encore?

Do you, like, anally rape my mother
while pouring sugar in my gas tank?

You know what the real tragedy
about all of this is?

I'm not even supposed
to be here today!

Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal!

Jesus, there you go,
trying to pass the buck.

I'm the source of all your misery.

Who closed the store to play hockey?
Who closed the store to go to a wake?

Who tried to win back his ex-girlfriend

without even discussing
how he felt with his present one?

You wanna blame somebody?
Blame yourself.

"I'm not even supposed
to be here today."

You sound like an asshole!

Jesus, nobody twisted
your arm to be here.

You're here of your own volition.

You like to think the weight
of the world rests on your shoulder,

like this would fall apart
if Dante wasn't here.

Jesus, you overcompensate for having
what's basically a monkey's job.

You push fuckin' buttons. Anybody
could waltz in here and do our jobs.

You're so obsessed
with making it seem so much more epic,

so much more important
than it really is.

Christ, you work in a convenience store,
Dante, and badly, I might add.

I work in a shitty video store,
badly as well.

That guy Jay's got it right. He has no
delusions about what he does.

We like to make ourselves
seem more important

than the people that come in
to buy a paper or cigarettes.

We look down on them
as if we're so advanced.

Well, if we're so fuckin' advanced,
what are we doin' workin' here?

Hey, the floor looks pretty clean.
I put the cat next door.

- Need a ride home?
- No, I got one. Just pulled up.

- You workin' tomorrow?
- Same time. What about you?

I'm callin' out.
Goin' to the hospital and visit Caitlin.

And then I'm gonna
try to talk to Veronica.

You wanna grab a bite to eat when
you're done with that and I get off work?

- I'll give you a call, let you know.
- All right.

Hey, good luck with Veronica.

I can talk to her, try to straighten...

No, thanks. I think I can handle it.

We have a lot of shit to talk about.

- Hell of a day.
- To say the least.

Want me to do anything
before I get out of here, man?

Why don't you wrangle for me?

- No.
- Come on. Just wrangle out the door.

- No. No, no, no.
- Come on.

Here comes Randal

He's a Berserker

You're closed.

I may never get what I want

But I'm happy just to die tryin'

And I hope I ain't done nobody wrong

But I miss you smilin'

And I'm lookin' for a cure
'Cause I'm bored to tears

And I'm stuck in here

Stuck out here, stuck in here

We lived through another day

It's a good excuse to celebrate

Take a number, knock on wood

We'll find a reason to feel good

I know you know I want to know

How I feel

I can't even tell

I can't even tell

I can't even tell

No one knows nothin' about me

I'm guessin'
I'll just keep on guessin'

No one sees what I see

This is my blessin'

And I'm lookin' for a way
to get outta here

Get me outta here

Outta here, outta here

We lived through another day

It's a good excuse to celebrate

Take a number, knock on wood

Find a reason to feel good

I know you know you want to know

How I feel

I can't even tell

I can't even tell

I can't even tell

I'm outta here

Outta here Outta here

I know you know I want to know

How I feel

I can't tell

I know you know I'll tell ya

If it's real

It's not our last affair

I can't even tell

Smokin' weed, smokin' weed

Noich, noich, noich
Smokin' weed, smokin' weed