Original subtitles

Hey, how much you give me to eat this whole jar of olives?

I won't give you anything, but you'll owe me 2.95.

Done.

Hi. I need an atlas. I need an atlas.

Why? Do you have a report due?

I have a date with this diplomat I met...

...while I was giving free massages outside the U.N.

And I don't know where his country is.

Okay, let's start with the free massages at the U.N.

Oh, it's my new thing. I figure, bodies at peace make peace.

Wow. You might just get the first Nobel Prize in rubbing.

- So, what country is this guy from? - Um...

There's a G in there.

- Where's that? - In your atlas.

- I don't have an atlas. - Oh.

- Oh, but wait, I do have a globe. Hold on. - Oh.

- So, Pheebs, what's this guy like? - Um...

Well, he's very...

...dashing, you know?

And, um, very, very sophisticated. And he doesn't speak English...

...but according to his translator, he totally gets me.

Okay, here you go.

What is this?

It's a globe.

And a pencil sharpener.

Hey, anybody need anything copied? I'm going to the Xerox place.

Uh, no, thanks.

Okay, listen, just give me anything I can make two of.

If you don't have anything to copy, why are you going there?

Yeah, are you just going down there to gawk at that hot girl...

...with the bellybutton ring again?

Yeah. You wanna come?

Yeah.

Come on, Chloe. Finish up with your customer first.

Come on, Chloe. Come on, Chloe.

Can I help you?

Uh-oh.

Uh, you know what?

We're having second thoughts about our, uh, copying needs.

And, uh, we'll need a little more time to think about it.

Chloe, switch with me. There are some guys here who got a crush on you.

Okay, that hurt us.

Hi, guys. I haven't seen you since this morning.

Well, uh...

You know.

Hey, what are you guys doing tomorrow night?

Both of us?

Maybe. Does that scare you?

Relax. It's just Isaac's deejaying at The Philly.

- You should come. - Oh. We'll be there.

Great. I'll, uh, see you then.

All right. Rock on.

He says that walking with you makes this strange city feel like home.

Aw. Me too. Although this city is my home.

So that's dumb, what I said. Don't tell him I said that.

Um, just... You make something up.

Ahem. Uh...

Nice. Thank you.

This is me. Here.

Your eyes are very pretty.

Thank you very much.

Oh, thank you.

He would like to kiss you.

Okay. You know what? You don't have to do that now.

No, no, not him. No, you don't.

Okay. Well, the moment's over.

Oh.

Oy.

See, there it is right there.

Wow, it's small.

Yeah, but Sergei said it took the Germans six weeks...

...to get all the way across it.

So you had fun, huh?

Yeah. Except for, you know, when you're on a date...

...and you're getting along really great...

...but the guy's translator keeps getting in the way?

No.

- Hey. Hey.

What, is, uh, Rach in her room?

Oh. No, she's still at work, but she told me to tell you to call her.

Oh, what? Is she gonna cancel on me again? How could she do this?

Doesn't she know it's our anniversary?

All right, uh, Ross, this is the extent of my knowledge on the subject.

"Call Rachel. "

What's that on the bottom?

Oh. That's my doodle of a ladybug with a top hat. Ha, ha.

She's fancy.

- Hello? Hey, honey.

- Oh, hi. - Hey. What's going on?

Well, there was a disaster in shipping and I've gotta get this order in.

Honey, I'm so sorry, but it looks like I'm gonna be here all night.

What? Well, um, how about I come up there?

No, no, no, honey, please. I just have too much to deal with.

Anyway, I'm going out with Sergei again tonight, and, um...

Could you come and be the translator's date?

So that when we... You know, it's time for our alone time, you two can split off?

You know, he's kind of cute.

"Kind of cute" like, "really kind of cute"?

Or "kind of cute" like your friend Spackle-Back Larry?

Hey, don't call him that.

His name is Spackle-Back Harry.

Hey, you know what? Maybe we should get going.

I mean, what time did Chloe say to get there?

- Uh, 10:30. - What time is it now?

Four-thirty.

- Yeah, all right. So we'll hang out. - Yeah.

Hey, remember when she brought up that thing about the three of us?

Yes, vividly.

- She was kidding about that, right? - Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, I think so.

God, it'd be weird if that situation presented itself tonight, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, uh...

...what would we do?

Ha, ha. Dude, I don't know. Ha-ha-ha.

- She was kidding. - Yeah.

She was...

Just in case, we should come up with a set of ground rules.

Yeah. For sure.

Okay. You probably want the first one to be:

"Never open your eyes. "

You know? Because you don't want to be doing something...

...and then look up, right?

And see something that you don't want to be seeing.

Yeah. Good call. Nice.

Hold it. Hold it.

What if my eyes are closed, and...

And my hand is out there...

Aah! Okay, eyes open at all times.

Oh, hey.

How do we decide where we, ahem...

...you know, each would, ahem, you know...

...be? - Right. Right.

Well, you know, we could flip for it.

I guess. But, like, what's heads and what's tails?

Well, if you don't know that, then I don't want to do this with you.

No, no, no. I am looking at a purchase order right here...

...and it clearly states that we ordered the Riviera bikini...

...in a variety of sizes and colors and...

What does it matter what I'm wearing?

Could I please speak to your supervisor? Thank you. We're holding.

- Hi. - Oh!

My God. What are you doing here?

Well, you said you couldn't go out, so...

You brought a picnic. Ugh. What a boyfriend.

That's it. On Monday, I start wearing makeup.

Ross, honey, this is very nice, but I've got a crisis.

Yeah, but I've got couscous.

Honey. Honey, I'm sorry. I know it's our anniversary...

...but I told you on the phone I don't have time to stop.

Okay, you don't have to stop. I'm invisible. I'm not here.

Yeah, but I don't...

Who approved that order?

Well, there is no Mark Robinson in this office.

- Get me Mark on the phone. - Ugh. I love Mark. Do you know Mark?

- Yeah. - Let me check that with what I've got here.

All right, see, 038 is not the number for this store. Zero-three-eight is Atlanta.

Heh. Pepper?

- None for me. - Okay, sorry. Whoo.

I'm sorry. As I was saying, the store number is wrong.

And I'm sorry, but... Oh, my God!

Okay. It's fine.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to call you back.

I've got Shemp in my office.

- What are you doing? - I'm sorry.

But, um, hey, oh, somebody's off the phone.

How about a glass of wine by the fire? I can get it going again...

Ross, you're not listening. I don't have time to stop.

- Come on, you don't have 10 minutes? - I don't have 10 minutes.

- Sophie, does she have 10 minutes? - Hey, Ross. I told you, I don't.

Don't yell at me, okay? This is the most I've seen you all week.

Look, I cannot do this right now, okay? I've got a deadline.

Would you just go home? I'll talk to you later.

- Yeah, but wait... - Goodbye.

Uh, actually, that's our three-hole punch.

- Hey. - Hi.

Look, um, about what happened earlier...

Whoa. I completely understand. You were stressed.

I was gonna give you a chance to apologize to me.

For what? For letting you throw me out of your office?

You had no right coming down to my office, Ross.

You do not bring a picnic basket to somebody's work...

...unless maybe they were a park ranger.

Yeah, well, excuse me for wanting to be with my girlfriend on our anniversary.

Boy, what an ass am I.

But I told you I didn't have the time.

Yeah, well, you never have the time.

I mean, I don't feel like I have a girlfriend anymore.

Ross, what do you want from me?

You want me to quit my job so you can feel like you have a girlfriend?

No. But it would nice if you'd realize that it's just a job.

Just a job?

Yes.

Ross, do you realize this is the first time in my life I'm doing something I care about?

This is the first time in my life I'm doing something I'm actually good at?

I mean, if you don't get that...

No, hey, I get that. Okay? I get that and I'm happy for you.

I'm tired of having a relationship with your answering machine.

- I don't know what to do anymore. - Well, neither do I.

Is this about Mark?

- Oh, my God. - Okay, it's not.

Oh, my God.

I cannot keep having this same fight over and over again, Ross.

No, you're making this too hard.

I'm making this too hard? What do you want me to do?

I don't know. I don't know.

Look, ugh, maybe we should just take a break.

Okay, okay. Fine. You're right.

Let's, uh... Let's take a break. Let's cool off, okay?

Let's get some frozen yogurt or something.

No.

A break from us.

- And the advances in collating in the past five years.

I mean, we just got in an X-5000, you know?

The X-5000 makes an X-50 look like a T-71.

Hey, it's the dinosaur guy.

- Hi, Ross. - Oh, hi, Chloe.

I want you to meet some friends of mine.

This guy's my hero. He comes in with some stuff...

...he wants it blown up 400 percent.

We say we don't do that. He says, "You gotta. "

And you know what? We did it.

And now any time anybody wants 400, we just say, "Let's Ross it. "

And that's the only color that comes in.

Yo, Chloe. Do you have a quarter for the condom machine?

So, what are you doing here?

I thought tonight was your big anniversary dinner.

Yeah, a little change of plans.

Uh, we're gonna break up instead.

Oh, and I can also speak a little French.

Why? What did I say?

Well, you just asked if I wanted to go to bed with you tonight.

- Oh, my God. Heh.

No wonder I get such great service at Café Maurice.

Knock, knock, knock.

Hi. Um, could you please tell Sergei that, um, I was fascinated...

...by what Boutros Boutros-Ghali said in the New York Times?

You didn't say, "Boutros Boutros-Ghali. "

Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

He says he was too.

Interesting.

Uh, so I was wondering...

Before you get all talky again...

...um, could you also please tell Sergei...

...that I really like his suit.

Uh, he said, "Thank you very much. You look very pretty tonight.

Your hair, golden like the sun. " So you're a chef?

I'm also thinking of opening up my own restaurant.

- Oh, really? - Monica...

...could I talk to you behind my menu, please?

- What are you doing? - Well, I was having a conversation.

Yeah, but Mischa's so interested in you...

...that Sergei and I haven't been able to say two words to each other.

What do you want me to do? Sit here while the three of you have a conversation?

That would be great. Thank you.

- Hello? - Oh, hi. It's Mark.

- Oh. - What? Is it my breath?

No. Sorry. I just thought you were somebody else. Hi.

Hi, well, look, I was just gonna leave a message.

Isn't tonight your anniversary dinner?

Well, um...

Rach? Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You wanna talk? I mean, I can come over.

No, really, no. Please. That's okay.

All right. I'm coming over and I'm bringing Chinese food.

- Oh, yeah, I'm not hungry. - It's for me.

Oh.

Okay. Bye.

- So, what'll you do? - What can I do?

One person wants to break up, you break up.

Hey, no way. Come on, this is you guys. Call her and work it out.

Come on. We just had this huge fight. Don't I have to wait a while?

Hey, this isn't like swimming after you eat. Pick up your phone.

You know that whole swimming thing is a myth.

Yeah, tell that to my Uncle Lenny.

Why? What happened to him?

Nothing. He just really believes in that.

Ugh. And then we got into this big, stupid fight... It was awful.

I told him he treats me like a park ranger, something, ugh...

And then...

...I told him I wanted to take a break.

I don't want to take a break.

Well, I'm sorry.

- Egg roll? - No.

And then I called him, and he wasn't there.

He's probably just out.

Oh, thank you. That's very helpful. I'm glad you came over.

- Hello? - Hi, it's me.

- Hi. Oh, I'm so glad you called. - Really?

I've been thinking this is crazy. Don't you think we can work on this?

Hey, what do you want to drink?

Who's that?

Nobody?

Is it okay if I finish the apple juice?

Is that Mark?

- Ooh, honey, look, he just came over... - Yeah, got it.

Hey, Dinosaur Guy. Look at you, so sad.

- Come dance. - Uh, that's okay. Thanks.

Hey.

You don't have to smile. You just have to dance.

Look, I don't feel like dancing. I feel like having a drink, okay?

Oh, okay. Hey, two beers.

And the vet said it was time.

And so from half-a-world away...

...while my mother held the phone to his ear...

...I said goodbye to my dog...

...in seven languages.

- Could I have a tissue? - Oh, yeah, sure.

I just hope you don't accidentally suck it up through your nose...

...and choke on it.

Ugh. Sergei would like to apologize for my behavior tonight.

Well, tell him, "Apology accepted. "

He's unbelievable. For the first time in three years, someone wants to talk to me.

But do you think he would let me enjoy that? No.

You silly diplomat. Why don't you learn some English, Sergei?

Excuse me, but, um, ahem, isn't he paying for your dinner?

Hey, the man's dog just died.

I have just resigned my post.

Would you care to accompany me to the Rainbow Room?

I have diplomatic coupons.

It would be my pleasure.

My guy has coupons.

Your guy can't even say "coupons. "

Uh...

Uh, plate.

- Plate. Yes. Plate. Plate. - Plate. Plate.

Plate.

See, we don't need them.

Plate?

Yeah.

Sleight of hand And twist of fate

On a bed of nails She makes me wait

I like this song.

Well, you're practically dancing already.

- Why don't you just do it over here? - Oh, no.

- What are you, married? - Ha, ha.

Because that's okay.

Oh, be home, be home, be home...

Be home, be home, be home.

You're not home.

With or without you

Still no smile?

And you give yourself away

And you give

And you give yourself away

American.

- American. - American.

American. You know, it's a very hard language.

Let's do it again.