All language subtitles for The Goldbergs s06e14 Major Leagued.eng

ADULT ADAM: The '80s was the peak of the sports comedy,

and my favorite,
Major League.

I loved the classic underdog
story of a team of misfits

who used questionable
methods and voodoo to become champions.

They actually make
sports tolerable

with their on-field
shenanigans.

And Barry loved the unhinged, badass pitcher, "Wild Thing."

Dude, Wild Thing can't control
his rage or his fastball.

That's just like me.

ADULT ADAM: Yep,
there was nothing better than rooting

for the ragtag team
with the evil owner.

You want us to lose?

What I want is for us
to finish dead last.

ADULT ADAM:
And then one day, Major League

became a major reality.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

You wanted to see me, Earl?

Ah, there's
my favorite shop teacher.

We should
cut the chitchat.

I have 63 birdhouses
to grade.

See, that is just
the kind of statement that leads me to believe

you're the perfect man
to help me out.With?

I want to get rid of
the baseball team.Sure.

See, Coach Mellor's departure
has left the team in shambles.

Sure.

They're so bad
that even the school paper

has stopped trying
to spin the losses.

If our team keeps playing
like hot garbage,

I could convince the board
to drop the program

and spend that money
fixing our budgeting issues.Sure.

Which is why you're gonna
be our new baseball coach.

What? I don't know anything
about the game.

A-All I played growing up
were timber sports.

Timber sports?

Log rolling,
speed felling,

speed whittling,
speed sanding.

Yeah, you help me lose and
that absurd radial arm saw

you've been requesting
is all yours.Batter up.

I have taken the liberty
of tracking down

some new recruits
for the team.

They all
happen to be students

who have been dodging
their athletic requirements,

if you catch my drift.
Good luck.

ADULT ADAM: And with that, Mr. Crosby set out to assemble

the worst high-school team
of all time.

Would you look at that?
My shoes are untied.

Better lace these up
before I trip.

That is a wrap on
whatever the hell this is.

Get your hands and feet
to the gym, boys.

All right,
you've died of dysentery. Time to play sports.

Can I save my...
Go! Get your ass to the gym.

Go, go, go,
go, go, go.

Come with me, Dave Kim.

Is this about my birdhouse?

I need an extension.

David Sirota, Jessie Wudders,
stop playing pretend government

and start playing
real baseball.

But I-I only own
penny loafers.

This is gonna be
easier than I thought.

ADULT ADAM: Needless to say,

my brother wasn't thrilled
with our team's new rookies.

I don't get it.

We haven't won a game
all season.

Now they're hamstringing us
with you turds?

Hey, we don't
wanna be here either.

And what are you wearing?

Coach was a uniform short,
so I'm wearing my costume from Damn Yankees.

Adam, today is
my first pitching start,

and they are
not gonna ruin it.

Relax.
We're just here to satisfy our sports requirement.

There's no chance Coach
will ever put us in.

Okay, listen up, team.

There's been some changes
to the starting lineup.

Shortstop... Dave Kim.

No!

He's, like, the worst Dave Kim
of all the Dave Kims.

CROSBY: Moving on.

Playing right field,
Adam Goldberg.

What?

He's got a lazy eye
and the body to match.

Normally, I'd object
but I'm desperate here.

Look at it.
These eyes cannot catch a baseball.

Oh, God. Put back on
the corrective lenses, man. Please.

♪ Wild thing ♪

ADULT ADAM:
It was January 30, 1980-something,

a landmark day for Gerica.

Happy Kissa-versary.

Here are some tulips
to celebrate the day

these two lips first kissed
those two lips.

Ew. But also aww.

And wait, there's more.

I also booked us a romantic
getaway to the Poconos.

Poconos?

That's our most scenic
and budget-friendly mountain range.

You know it.
Get packing, lady.

This is amazing.

The two of us, alone.

How did you convince
your dad to say yes?

Oh, it was easy.
Uh, mostly because I haven't done it yet.

But I have a foolproof plan.

I'm going to lie to him.

Well, this was a fun ride.

I'll just rent us a movie.

Oh, come on. What,
are you implying I can't lie?

I can lie.
I lie all the time.

You really don't.
And when you do,

you bail immediately
and then overcompensate

by revealing
a deeply personal secret

that nobody wants to know.

[SCOFFS] Surely you're
thinking of some other unskilled liar.

Hey, Mom,
Geoff has some thoughts

on your new
Jazzercise ensemble

that he wants
to share with you.

Ah, don't you just love it,
Geoffrey?

The Lycra is form-fitting,

but it still gives me
the freedom

to explore all my moves.

Uh, well, I suppose
I enjoy the bold colors

and the sleeve
length and... Oh, my God.

Also, one time
at summer camp,

I took a puff of a cigar
and then it made me really nauseous

and I threw up in a lake.

And there it is.

ADULT ADAM: And so it was
up to my sister to concoct the perfect lie.

The Eastern Pennsylvania
Scholastic Achievement Awards?

That's fantastic,
but it doesn't surprise me

my Geoffrey is
receiving such an honor.

Well, it's really
an award for you, too.

You raised a smarty.

Take some videos.

Okay, well,
we'll see ya when we see ya.

ADULT ADAM: While Erica
and Geoff lied their way to a dream weekend,

I was living a true nightmare.

Please don't let
the ball come to me.

Please. Oh, balls.

I-I don't got it!
I don't got it!

I definitely don't got it!

Turns out,
our underdog team

wasn't as bad as the one
inMajor League.

No, we were worse.

[GROANING]

I'm as mad at me
as you are.

Boys are looking lousy
out there, Crosby. Good coaching.

Whoa.
Kremp can actually play.

Yeah, that's on me.

Kid was making
a weird movie with Goldberg.

I made some assumptions.

Kremp, you're benched
for showboating.

Penny loafer, you're in.

In my defense,
I have cleats,

but you insisted
I wear these.

CROSBY: Uh-huh.
Move it, penny loafer.

Can I just stand
in the grass area? They're getting all dusty.

Yeah, you do
what you need to do, kid.

ADULT ADAM: And the cherry
on top of our suck sundae,

my brother's pitching.

Just a bit outside.

Ball four.

Ball eight.

Honestly, I've lost count.

♪♪

ADULT ADAM: I just couldn't
stop wondering why Crosby and Ball

didn't seem to care that our team was so epically bad.

And then it hit me.

[GRUNTS]

The ball just punched me.

They wanted us to lose,
like inMajor League.

Meanwhile, my sister was
on a major romantic getaway.

You know, I gotta admit,

the whole time
you were lying to my dad,

I had this feeling
that something terrible was gonna happen.

[CHUCKLES]
Stick with me, Schwartz. I'll never lead you wrong.

[GRAVEL CRUNCHING]

Oh, my God!

[BELL DINGS]
ADULT ADAM: Yep, this is 100% true.

My oldest sibling snuck off
on a romantic getaway

and actually did this
to my dad's car.

[CRASH]

Oh, God!
What are we gonna do?

Cars don't just fall
off cliffs at scholastic award shows!

Forget the awards!

My dad's car
just rolled off a cliff!

Oh, my dad's gonna kill me!

Please make sure
some nice lady gets my eyes! Promise me!

Okay, let's just take
a deep breath

of the fresh mountain air
and think.

I lied my way
into this mess.

I can lie my way
out of it.

And just as
the scholastic gala was ending,

Geoff and I walked outside
and found a sack of abandoned puppies.

Naturally, we raced the car
to the animal hospital,

but there was
a drawbridge being raised

and we tried to jump it
for the puppies

because we're good people,
but the car didn't make it.

Luckily, we're fine

and so were
the two dozen puppies

that have now
all found homes.

Drawbridges are death ramps.

My nail girl's brother
tried to jump a drawbridge.

They found
his head and torso on a fishing trawler.

He's in culinary school now,
but every day is a struggle.

Thank God
the two of you were not hurt.

It's a lie.

We were in the Poconos
on a secret getaway.

We parked your station
wagon on the hill without the parking brake,

and also I copied part of
my Bar Mitzvah speech

from a Winston Churchill
biography.

So you lied
right to my face, Geoffy?

Wait, no. It... [SIGHS]
It's not Geoff's fault.

It's all mine,
and I'm so sorry.

ADULT ADAM: And then
my sister braced herself

for a nuclear Murray meltdown.

[LAUGHS]

You sent my car off a cliff!
[LAUGHING]

Wow, he's taking this
really well.

I figured that he would be
screaming his head off.

[LAUGHING] Off a cliff!
Who does that?

Oh, no.
Your father has reached a stage beyond anger.

All my family does
is wreck my car!

Third time this year!
[LAUGHING]

Oh, this is not good.

[BREATHLESSLY]
The Poconos.

You could've been killed.

To be honest,
I'm digging this way more

than the screaming
and the "moron" calling.

[LAUGHING] My insurance is
gonna go through the roof!

Okay, I got to get him inside
and try to calm him down

with warm milk
and Steak-umms.

I don't know if it'll work,
but I'm a desperate woman.

Anyway, I-I'm sorry about
the bending the truth thing.

It probably
won't happen again.

The only reason Geoff
is in this mess

is because of
your terrible influence,

and it stops now.

This relationship is over.

What?
Y-You can't break up with my girlfriend.

W-Wait, can you? Can he?

I don't know.
I've never been in this situation before.

Let's go, son.

ADULT ADAM: While Erica's lies had finally caught up to her,

I was catching up the guys
on my major revelation.

Gentlemen, Principal Ball
and Mr. Crosby

are Major Leagueing
this team.What?

Just one glaring problem
with your theory.

If he wanted us to lose,
they'd never let me pitch.

Barry, he let you pitch
because of how bad you are.

Adam. A word?

Just between us,
the last thing I would want

is for me to seem weak
in front of the team,

but what you just said
about my pitching hurt me to the core.

Uh, bro?

We can hear
everything you're saying.

You're, like,
not that far away.

I'm sorry.

I just thought
it was important you all know the truth.

But I don't suck.

I'm literally gonna
cry right now.

Guys, it's not so much
a distance thing

as a volume thing, 'cause
we're getting every word.

Damn it!
I'll prove how good I am right now!

Who's got a ball?

I've got a tangerine.

But it's supposed to be
for emergency dips in my blood sugar.

This is an emergency.

What are you doing?
I'm gonna throw

this little embarrassing
emergency orange at you

so you can feel
how much I don't suck.

[THUDS ON WALL]

Dude. We're being Major League'd.

What are we gonna do?
I'll tell you what.

We're gonna Major League
'em right back.

'Cause in the end,
it turns out

that ragtag bunch
of losers win it all!

And so will we!

Or we put all our faith
in our amazing pitcher

to take us
to the championship.

Wild Thing.

Look alive,
Shernicke.

[THUD]

[SIGHS]
Okay, we can just go with his thing.

ADULT ADAM:
Even though Earl Ball wanted us to lose,

I'd use my favorite
sports movie to help us win.

Okay, our Major Leaguejourney
from underdog scrubs

to skilled champions
begins with one thing.

Meet Jobu, the idol
that Pedro Cerrano prays to

that helps you hit
the curve ball.

Uh, bro? That doll seems
a little super insensitive.

He's hilarious in the movie,

but presenting it now
just makes me feel kinda weird.

Y-Yeah, I'd...
I'd put it away.

Okay, we're gonna lose.

Not if we have
a sexy incentive for us to win.

Aw, yeah,
like in the movie.

Whenever the Indians
would win,

they would remove
a sliver of clothing from a cardboard cutout

of the team's super hot
yet evil owner.

Which is why
I made a cardboard cutout of our nemesis,

school principal
and avid swimmer, Earl Ball.

[ALL GROANING]

Relax.
We're only gonna take a piece off

when we don't win.

This team shall never
lose again.

We can't let it
happen, guys.

For sure! But also, where did
you get that picture?

Finally,
we have to band together

and address
each of our weaknesses.

Like in the movie

when the team had to convince
Wild Thing to wear glasses.

Bro, I-I think someone would
know if they needed glasses.

Not to be this guy,
but we're all painfully aware

that you're super nearsighted
but refuse to acknowledge it.

I can see just fine.

I'll prove it.
I'll read your shirt. "Spice Inventors."

ALL: No.
"Spork Investors"?

No.
"Shark Incisors"?

ALL: No.
"Snake Inhalers." Yeah?

Nope.
"Spanish Inquisition"?

No, that's...
"Saint Ignatius"?

What?
How have you made it this far?

"Spare Bedroom"?
No.

"Spanakopita"?

Here.
I'm nearsighted, too.

Oh, it's "Space Invaders."

That makes sense.

So you're finally admitting
to yourself that you need glasses?

I've always known!
I can't believe you all knew

and never cared enough
to tell me.

Why?

I'll get us each
a new pair.

ADULT ADAM: Yep, our team
was ready to end our losing streak,

and Erica was determined
to win over Geoff's dad.

Thank you, Dr. Schwartz, for
joining us today in your home.

We've all heard some murmurs
that I'm not "good enough" for Geoff.

What's happening right now?
You may think you know

the whole story
of Geoff and Erica,

but do you really know
Geoff and Erica?Yes.

But I think once you see
my presentation,

you'll see that
I'm the perfect girl for Geoff.

[MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

Long before
I was a free spirit

who treated life
as one big party,

I actually used to be
a doofy bookworm

who went to bed by 9:00,
just like Geoff here.

So you think
my son is a doof?

Uh, Geoff, you wanna
maybe jump in here

and talk about our love?
You bet.

Erica's a great influence
on me.

Are you drinking a beer?

Moving on.
[CLICK]

Look. Last week,
she took me mini golfing for half-price Tuesdays.

But Tuesday's a school day.

Moving on.

See, Erica's
really thoughtful, Dad.

She threw me
a surprise party,

and it was
the best night of my life.

Is that my living room?

Did you throw a party
when I was in Miami?

Erica,
please take over again.

No! I've had enough.

This just confirms
what I already knew.

You may love my son,

but it doesn't mean
you're good for him.I'm [BLEEP].

ADULT ADAM: As Erica's
apology project fell apart,

our team's bigMajor League
plan was coming together.

How's it going, Coach?

Are we gonna win
at sucking or what?

Got my worst men
on it, sir.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Strike!
Three, three!

Yes!

Two down, two down.
Play's at second.

They can play
and know the lingo.

It seems
they've figured out

that you're
Major Leagueingthem

and now they're
Major Leagueingyou back.

Unless we
change the schedule.

We have to play
Meadowbrook High?

They're the best team
in the city.

This is bad.

Ball knows we know
he's Major Leagueingus

and that we're
Major Leagueinghim back.

I'm confused,
but ready to act with anger.

Good. 'Cause now we're at
the top of our game,

and nothing can
bring us down.

Well, look who it is.

It's the JTP,

AKA the Jenkintown Posers.

You know that's not
what it stands for, bro!

Balls, balls,
this just got bad fast.

It was the Meadowbrook Mafia,

the JTP's rival posse
from one town over,

and they were led by theater
star and hotshot athlete Bradley Cooper.

Word on the suburban street is
the baseball schedule changed

and now we get to
destroy you on Friday.

Doesn't matter
who we play,

'cause as long as
I'm pitching,

we're guaranteed the "W."

Can't wait to see you
on the mound, four-eyes.

Shows what you know.

I'm pitching,
not my nerd brother.

No, you're
the four-eyed nerd.

I can't wait
to hit your first pitch

all the way
to the school library.

Where you'll probably find it
the next day,

because you have glasses

and thus an uncool love
of reading.

Well, I'll have you know
Barry never reads.

He's more of a TV guy.

"I have glasses,
and I'm a Dork Lord."

[LAUGHS]

They just called me
a four-eyed nerdling.

That's so hurtful.

Who talks to people like that
just because they wear corrective lenses?

You? Almost every
single day of my life?

Well, yeah, 'cause you're
a four-eyed nerdling...

Oh, no!

I get it now!

You're just now getting
that being called a nerd is hurtful?

Yes. Now that
I'm affected, I care.

Great. 'Cause we actually
have a chance

to stand up
and fight back.

No, guys...

I can't wear these things.

What's the worst
that happens?

Look, there's a reason
I refused to admit I needed these things.

Yeah, I act all cool,
but I'm not.

And these glasses
will just make it worse.

I'm sorry.
I can't do it.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out
my overconfident brother

was more insecure
than I thought.

And while glasses
made Barry quit the team,

Geoff was determined
to see Erica,

no matter how risky.

Gah! Geoff,
what are you doing?

I'll stop at nothing
to see you!

That's sweet, but you could've
just used the front door.

It's your dad who doesn't
want us together.

Oh, God, I'm so upset
I'm not thinking straight.

Relax. You're forgetting
that I have parents, too.

And once Beverly Goldberg
hears that your dad

called her baby girl
a bad influence,

she'll unleash
such unbridled fury

that your dad will wish
he was in that car.

Yeah, not my place.

Not your place?

Everywhere's your place!
You have no boundaries!

Schmoo, how do I
put this delicately?

We agree with Lou.

You're a horrible influence
on the boy.

What? You're supposed
to be on my side.

Oh, how do I put this
delicately?

Geoff is a college-bound
future doctor.

You're a drop-out liar
who can't even hold a job.

Would you just let her put it
delicately one time?

Look, Erica,

we don't think you're
not good enough for Geoff.

It's just that, right now,

it seems Geoff
is too good for you.

Thank you, Mom.

Wait. That's exactly
the same thing.

You just said it in
a nicer tone. [SCOFFS]

ADULT ADAM:
For the first time,

my mom said no
to defending her kids

and then felt so bad,
she caved.

Hey.

Wanna talk about it?

Everyone was right.

Geoff deserves someone
better than me.

Schmoo, when I see that boy

and how much he loves you
and how hard he tries,

makes me wonder if maybe
you could be trying a little harder, too.

I love Geoff so much.
[SIGHS]

The last thing I want to do
is hold him back.

And, in this case,
maybe that means

I don't get to
be with him,

no matter how much
I want to.

♪♪

ADULT ADAM: The big game
against Meadowbrook was starting,

and everyone was there...

Everyone, that is,
except Barry.

CROSBY:
Goldberg, you're up.

Swing or don't swing.

How you strike out
is up to you.

The moment had arrived.

I'd never been a sports hero,

butMajor League taught me
anything was possible.

[GRUNTS]

Just not this time.
Oh, God!

My tender boy body.

Adam?

Barry?
Are you dead, too?

Oh, I'm alive.

And I'm sick of
being a joke.

I'm gonna get revenge
for you,

and every other
four-eyed nerd out there.

Coach, I'm pitching
next inning.

Good thinking.
They're only up a run.

Go get us into a jam.

ADULT ADAM: Barry didn't
just come back to our team to defend my honor,

he returned to show the world he was finally done with hiding who he really was.

[THE TROGGS' WILD THINGPLAYS]

♪ Wild thing

♪ You make my heart sing

ADULT ADAM: Yep, it's true.

After years of calling me
a four-eyed Dork Lord,

Barry Norman Goldberg
now had glasses.

What is this song?
Where is it even coming from?

Oh, yes.
Just like his hero,

Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn
inMajor League,

Barry could finally
see clearly,

and he'd use it to win
once and for all.

♪ Wild thing

Ooh.
Except he didn't.

♪ Wild thing ♪

That day, Barry didn't use
his new glasses

to strike out
the other team.

Instead,
he struck 'em down,

and it felt glorious.

♪♪

You're out of here!

ADULT ADAM: In that moment,
I had a new sports hero...

Barry "Wild Thing" Goldberg.

Hey, get up.
What?

You heard me.
Get up. Get dressed.

Maybe run a comb
through your hair.

Why? Where are we going?

To get Geoff back.

What about Lou?

If he thinks he's gonna
keep my baby from the man she loves,

then he's gonna find out
what a bad influence I can be.

♪♪

ADULT ADAM:
Yep, no one messes with Beverly Goldberg.

Sure, it took her a while
to get onboard,

but now Geoff's dad
was about to face off with our Wild Thing.

Evening, Lou.

Thank you for coming
to this ambush.

How dare you say my daughter
isn't good enough for your...

Mom, wait.

I know I begged you
to fix this,

but this is something
I have to do on my own.

But I'm all revved up.

Please, rev down.
I got this.

Look, I know I get
Geoff into trouble

and force him
out of his comfort zone

and have him throw parties
in your living room.

But there is not
a slide show in the world

that will make you see just
how much I love your son.

Even though
I'm selfish and moody

and have so much
growing up to do,

you still love me.

So, yeah, I'm not nearly
good enough for a guy like you.

But you make me wanna do
whatever it takes to prove I can be.

Maybe they do bring out
the best in each other.

No maybe, Lou.

They just do.

ADULT ADAM: Sometimes
we've got to fight for what we love,

but what good is a fight
without a little backup?

[AS HARRY DOYLE]
Just a bit outside.

That's the thing
about family.

You're a team...

A team that never stops
believing in each other.

And when that happens,

it makes everything
a little more groovy.

♪ Wild thing ♪

♪♪

ADULT ADAM: How come
when I wear glasses, you call me a nerd,

but when you wear glasses
you look awesome?

[LAUGHS]
That's not very fair.

ADULT BARRY:
I like the glasses.

Okay.
Move, dumbass. We can't see.

I know.
I was once like you.

But thanks to major advances
in contact-lens technology,

I now have the vision of
an eagle holding a telescope.

Now that I have
better-than-perfect vision,

a whole new world of careers
has opened up for me.

Behold.

I can now be
a fighter pilot, umpire,

professional Where's Waldofinder,

avid reader,
guy who writes things on rice,

long-distance peeping tom,
and Olympic athlete.

It's a tad late to start
training for the Olympics.

Not with these
laser-focused baby browns.

Oh, God, my contact lens
popped out.

Help.
Help me.

Mark my words,
if Barry somehow makes it in,

it will be the most
memorable thing

to ever happen
at the Olympics.

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