All language subtitles for The Goldbergs s06e13 I Coulda Been a Lawyer.eng

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, my mom didn't go into an office

but she did have
an important job,

getting the Goldbergs' day
off and running,

and it all started
with a hearty breakfast.

Ghostbusters cereal
for my little Marshmallow Man.

[SINGSONG VOICE]
Crunchin' makes me feel good!

Triple protein, quadruple egg,
and quintuple cheese omelet for my grizzly Barry.

My body will turn
all of this into muscle immediately. Watch.

Erica, Raisin Bran
with a prune juice chaser.

What's good for the heart
is also good for the bottom.

[QUIETLY] Gah, Mom!
But also, thank you.

Bevy,
which shirt do I like?

ADULT ADAM:
My mom was also our in-house stylist.

Left hand.
And which pants do I like?

The ones you're wearing.
That's why I put 'em on!

I know what looks good.
You really do.

Now go change your socks.
They're two different colors.

Oh, yeah.
I'll be right back.

She was also our pharmacist.

Blood pressure, cholesterol,
heartburn, and dewormer.

Dewormer? What
aren't you telling me?

Not for you, Dad,
for Lucky.

Who's my little dumper?
[SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

[BARKS]
And when she sent us off,

that's when my mom's work
really began.

Yes, I'm calling
about my flight to Fort Lauderdale,

which might as well
have been to hell

because that's what my back
and upper groin have been in since we landed.

What does "TWA"
stand for, anyway?

"The Worst Airline"?

You know what, Wayne?
Just connect me to your supervisor.

I'm gonna need to speak
to your supervisor, Lydia.

You know what?
I need to talk to your supervisor.

Just connect me
to your supervisor.

Well, maybe your supervisor
feels differently.

Let me speak
to someone higher.

Well, maybe
your supervisor can help me.

You know what?
I demand to speak to your supervisor.

Oh, you're the CEO?

Well, then, I'm gonna need
two first-class tickets

and a mess of
those little pretzel bags.

After cleaning, couponing,
and complaining,

my mom sped off
to do her favorite thing...

Shopping and errands.

Yep, Beverly Goldberg
was an unstoppable force!

BEVERLY: Damn it!

What is wrong with you?

Nobody stops
at that stop sign!

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM:
It was March 6th, 1980-something,

and, after weeks
of mending a broken heart,

my brother was finally ready
to get back to normal life.

Buenos dias,
jota-te-pe!

JTP: Jota-te-pe!
Are we doing Spanish now?

Elshut up-o,
Mateo Bradley! [CHUCKLES]

Gentleman, I know
I've been distracted

by the whole Lainey drama,

but fear not, JTP.

I'm once again ready
to sit upon my throne

as your unstable leader.

My first decree,

we shall playeth Smashball.

Ooh, we'd love to,
but it's crunch time for college applications.

Oh... Right.

College.

We are seniors,

so that would be happening
right around now, wouldn't it?

Dude, don't tell us
the whole Lainey thing

distracted you
from applying to college.

No!

Don't be so stupid,
Matt Bradley!

But I didn't even say...
Bup-bup-bup-bup!

Just out of curiosity,

tell me everything about
this application process

so I know
you're doing it right.

Well, we've really
been beefing up our extra curriculars.

Naked Rob
is an Eagle Scout.

It's the highest level
of Boy Scout

and the lowest level
of cop.

Andy's a youth basketball
coach.

Which is cool
'cause I'm taller than all of 'em.

And Matt Bradley's in
the Big Brother program.

Jeremiah really
stole my heart.

And I think also my car keys.

And I'm the treasurer
for the Model UN.

It's really stressful,
so all my armpit hair fell out,

but it'll all be worth it
if it impresses Dartmouth.

It's good to see
we're all preparing.

Therefore, there's
no reason to panic.

[SLURPING]

Excuse me.

♪♪

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

I'm freaking out, man!

Is that squirrel
taunting you again?

Apparently,
I got so swept up in

not getting married
to Lainey,

I forgot about the whole
"getting into college" thing!

Did you say "college"?
I heard "college."

Don't screw this up, moron.

Where did he come from?

Dad, you gotta back off.

I don't even know where
I want to go to school!

That's where I can help.

Okay, I need you
to focus up here,

'cause picking a school
is not something you just rush into.

Done. I'm going
to Tufts.Moron!

You don't just
open up a book

and pick out
some random school

and say,
"That's the one."

But it just makes sense.
Why?

'Cause its name is Tufts,

and I'm basically
the toughest man in the world.

Tufts, fine, done.
Really?

Hey, even if you got there
the dumbest way possible,

Tufts is still
a great school, so I'm good.

So did we just decide
where I'm applying to college?

My son's going to Tufts!
Hoo-hoo!

ADULT ADAM: While Barry
was getting excited about his dream college,

my mom was just trying
to calm her nerves.

I've been saying it
since the first time I ran that stop sign,

that intersection is
an accident waiting to happen,

and it's high time
Mama fixes the problem!

You could've been
seriously hurt!

How?
I wasn't even there.

But you could've been.
That's true.

And, God forbid,
you could've gone through the windshield

like a delicious,
little sack of potatoes,

and, God forbid,
a piece of glass

could have lodged
in your brain!Oh, no!

Thank God the shard
got lodged

in a place
where you're fine,

and they don't
need to operate.Thank God.

But, God forbid,
20 years from now,

you could sneeze,
and boom!

The shard shifts,
and you're a veggie.

But I sneeze all the time!

This is a parent's
worst nightmare,

and it's all because
of a stupid stop sign!

What's going on?
We're making the very gut-wrenching decision

about whether or not
Adam should have surgery

to remove the glass
in his brain from a car accident.

Oh, my God!
What do we do?

Oh, I'm sorry.
Let me clarify. Adam's fine.

We need another stop sign
at the end of the block.

What?
Are you kidding me?

I almost gave Adam a hug.

I know, baby.
We're all scared,

but Mama will fix this.

I'm gonna take this case
to City Hall. [CHUCKLES]

I don't know
if you know this,

but I could have been
a lawyer.

I think you've said it
once or twice before.

I could've been a lawyer.
I could've been a lawyer.

I could've...
...been a lawyer.

I could've...
...been a lawyer!

I guess that rings a bell.
It should,

'cause that bell
rings constantly.

Well, as the lawyer
I could've been,

I'm going to collect evidence
to support my case.

Adam, I need you
to make a video

documenting
how truly dangerous

that intersection
really is.

Yes!
I'll get right on it!

Uh, what's my budget
for the project?

Schmoo, can you just film
the intersection for me?

Challenge accepted!
I won't let you down!

As my mom was lawyering up,

Barry and my dad
were getting down to the business of college.

Okay, let's go over what
you need to get into Tufts.

Besides just being
super tough?

Uh-huh.

All right,
first, your grades.

Oh, okay, you squeaked out
a B-minus in English.

Wow! Straight A's
in math and science.

All that math stuff
just clicks, but English not good much.

Well, it looks like
I'm gonna have to help you with your essay.

Or...
We freestyle my essay. Check it out.

[RAPPING]
♪ Yo, Tufts I got the right stuffs

♪ Yo, Tufts
I got the right stuffs

♪ Yo, Tufts
I got the right stuffs ♪

You're just repeating
the same thing over and over.

I got stuck in a rap loop.
I'm sorry!

Okay, that does not help.

We really gotta wow 'em
with your extra curriculars.

All right, let me
see your resume.Boom!

All you wrote down
was "left-handed" and that you're an Aries?

That's not exactly
"boom" material.

That's all I got.

And technically,
I'm a Pisces,

but I don't want to be
no stupid fish.

Damn it!

All you had to do
was play an instrument or volunteer somewhere,

and you did nothing!
I know!

I'm not Tufts enough.

Relax, moron.

We'll just give your resume
a little padding.

You mean lie?

Think of it like
your mother's shoulder pads.

She wears them

even though she still has
shoulders, right?

I bet she does.

So you're telling me
you're okay

with shoulder padding
my resume?

I would do anything
to get you into college.

Come on.
I'm serious.

This is legitimately
the most important thing to me.

So you're telling me
you would spend every cent you have

if it would mean getting
me into a good college.Yes.

What if you had to wear
pants at all times?Yes.

What if the Eagles
never, ever won again?Yes.

What if the only way
was for Tom Selleck to shave his mustache?

[SHOUTING] Too far!
You hear me?

You leave Selleck's
mustache out of this!

ADULT ADAM:
While my dad and Barry were formulating a plan,

my mom was putting
her plan into action.

Hello, Mr. Schnitz.
I'm not sure you remember me.

Oh, I remember you.

You're the lady
that comes in here

demanding I help you
because I'm city comptroller.

Exactly.

And things have gotten
out of comptrol.

Again, I think you
gravely misunderstand

the reach
the comptroller has.

Well, if you can't comptrol
this city, then who can?

You realize I am just
an accountant?

And I am holding you
accountable.

Just tell me
what you want.

I'd like you
to take comptrol of a traffic situation

heretofore known as
Goldberg v. Jenkintown.

Ma'am, this is just an office
above a tuxedo shop,

not a court of law
where I can make any real...

Exhibit A.
Okay, sure.

This is the intersection
in question.

Note that there are
only two stop signs,

but by the time
I rest my case, there will be four.

Exhibit B.
Exactly how many exhibits are there?

Behold, a scale model
of our neighborhood.

And please note Exhibit C.

These are shards
of windshield

that almost had to be removed
from my son's brain.

Oh, my God,
that is horrib...

We decided not to operate

because he wasn't
actually in the car.What?

Don't worry, he's fine
and super talented,

which is why I tasked him
with Exhibit D.

All rise.

I really don't want to.
Overruled!

Again, this is not a court...
You know what? Fine.

Motion to get this
over with, then.

You may be seated.

ADAM: The year is 2033,

crime is at an all time high and volcanoes are everywhere!

BEVERLY: What is this?

We agreed you were only
gonna film the stop signs.

Trust me. You need to hook in
the audience with a story.

The President's plane
has crash-landed in Jenkintown.

That's the forbidden sector.

Only you can help us!

Is that right,
what I'm saying?

Even though I only have
one eye, I'll do it.

I'll save the President.

It's go time.
Nothing will stop me!

[TIRES SCREECH]
[METAL CRUNCHES]

POPS: The President blew up
before Snake could get to him.

The mission has failed.

I'm re... I'm really
not following the story...

ADAM: We need a stop sign.

Okay.

Well,
I did not understand any of that,

but I really would like you
not to be here,

so I'm gonna give you
that stop sign.

So... I won the case?

You took comptrol
of the courtroom.

Which is my office,
so, yeah, sure.

Great!

So just, uh, bang the gavel
and make it official.

Well, I don't have a ga...
You know what?

Let me just do
this Fanta can.

Ah!

We won the big case!

Amazing!

How did I play?

Not great,
but Mom was on fire.

I gotta admit,
even if the whole thing is aggressively pointless,

it's kind of cool
you actually made a difference.

You know, this is really
important to me,

and I am damn tired
of your sass mouth!

No sass.

I know how hard it is
to get things done.

I mean, I've been
working on one song for the last three months,

and so far,
all I've got is...

♪ Something,
something, something

♪ And your friend Andre ♪

And that is not good.

I mean,
who the hell is Andre?

I think it's catchy.

Point is,
I'm proud of you.

Oh, thank you, Boopie,
and you know what?

I've made a decision.

I am going to realize
my potential as a potential lawyer.

Oh, my God,
are you serious?

You're damn right I am!

Beverly Goldberg's
gonna be a [BLEEP] lawyer!

ADULT ADAM: Once my dad found out Barry's college resume was light,

he made it his mission
to bulk it up.

The trick is
to take a nugget of truth,

and you spin it a little.

You do play
a lot of sports, right?

Hockey,
wrestling, football.

Moron, if you played
a bunch of sports,

why aren't any of them
on your college resume?

A variety of reasons,
but mostly 'cause of unsuccessful tryouts.

So you played all three
for a little bit,

so you're at least
a three-letter varsity player,

and an MVP.

I never won MVP.

You never won
Most Valuable Player,

but "MVP"
could stand for anything.

Like Magic Velvet Pants?

Who wins Magic Velvet Pants?

I don't know. A genie?

Should we put down
that I'm a genie, too?

Let's move on.
So we covered sports.

What about community service?

I guess I am
in the community

when I'm walking around
the community.

Wow, sounds like
you're the head of a neighborhood watch.

And I do shout
at dogs sometimes.

Seems to me
that you train service animals.

I think I'm getting
the hang of this,

like that one time I played
checkers with Pops.

I was basically volunteering
with sad, old veterans.

Perfect, throw more at me!

ADULT ADAM: And with that,
my dad spun all of my brother's antics

into resume gold.

His bad BMX-ing became...

School cycling team.

Goofing off
in the gymnasium became...Gymnast!

Trying to eat an apple
in one bite became...

Head of
the Isaac Newton Society.

Doing whatever this is
became...

Gravity experiments
elective.

Just walking became...
Hall monitor!

His lifelong obsession
withDonkey Kong became...

Unpaid assistant
to a primate physician.

And dressing as
a pirate became...Pirate!

Wow, I've led
an incredibly rich life.

You're damn right you have.

Hoo-hoo!
I'm a good dad!

ADULT ADAM: While my dad
was feeling confident about Barry's future,

my mom was getting ready
to change hers.

Good morning,
your honorable smush bottom!

Looking good, Mom!

That's because today
is the first day

of your mama bear's journey
to becoming a trial lawyer.

Well, I know
you can do it.

I mean, who's better
at arguing than you?

Well, I did get this suit
at half price

because of a smudge
on the shoulder,

which I put there
and later removed.

And those are the kind
of questionable morals

that will make you
an ace attorney.[WHISPERS] Thank you.

Okay, so here's what it takes
to become a lawyer.

First, you'll have
to get ready for the LSATs.

[NORMAL VOICE] Well,
I can LSAT or L-stand.

I can do it all.
[CHUCKLES]

Seriously, what is that?

It's the
Law School Admissions Test,

which takes about four months
to prepare for.

And after that,
you apply to law school, which is three years.

Even for a proven
legal eagle like me?

I mean, I could've been
a lawyer.

That's got to count
for something.

It doesn't. Moving on.

So after you graduate,
you'll have to pass the bar.

Another test?
I just took the "L" one.

And then you'll get hired
at a firm and be an associate

and work your way
up the ladder until...

Eh, Mama's out.
What?

I-I think I'm okay
just knowing I could have been a lawyer.

How can you possibly
know that

if you gave up
after two minutes?

Well,
when you think about it,

I already
kind of am a lawyer.

Except
you're not a lawyer,

because you did nothing
to become one.

According to the show
L.A. Law,

anyone can represent
themselves in court,

so that kind of
makes me a lawyer.

No, it makes you a person
who wants to be a lawyer but isn't one.

If I can defend myself
in court,

then you can,
Daddy can, anyone can.

So when you think about it,

doesn't that make us
all lawyers?

That is an
incredibly dumb way to think about it.

Hey, I could've been
a lawyer,

so you show me the respect
I could've deserved.

♪♪

Read it and weep,
suckers.

What's this?
Oh.

Just the best college resume
ever assembled.

Three-letter varsity athlete?
Captain of the diving team?

Geology club?

Dude, you didn't do
any of these things.

It says you're the treasurer
of the Model UN?

I once gave the foreign kid
who smells like beets

a quarter to buy a donut,

so that pretty much
makes me

official treasurer
of the Model UN.

Except you're not
'cause I am!

In the name of Luxembourg,
I declare war on your lies!

We don't have a real army,
so it's more of a symbolic gesture.

Guys, relax.

It's not like
I'm hurting anyone.Yes, you are!

What if your lies get you
into a school over one of us?

Is that fair?
Okay.

You're clearly feeling
a lot of emotions right now,

which I can help you with
'cause I'm a peer counselor

and a certified
youth minister.

This is super not cool
or chill, man.

Oh, come on,
Matt Bradley!

Where did that come from?

Come on, guys!

JTP...
JTP!

J...

[VOICE BREAKING] ...TP.

ADULT ADAM: While Barry
was feeling guilty

about achieving
his college dreams,

Erica was hell-bent on getting my mom to reach for hers.

There she is,
ready to fold my intimates.

Put down the basket.
We need to talk.

Erica, it's fine.
I don't need to be a real lawyer.

Okay, forget law,

but there's
so many other things that you're good at,

so let's pick one of those
and make it your thing.

Okay, like what?

I'm glad you asked,
because I made this...

A list of
potential dream jobs

tailored
to your very talents.

For instance, diplomat.

Well, I do have a way
of helping people

to get what I want them
to think they want.Exactly.

And that's just one
of many exciting options.

What about
fashion designer?

Mmm, my clothes
are purely for fun.

I don't want to take
the joy out of it.

Or you could be
a gastroenterologist.

Speaking of which,
how did that fiber-rich breakfast work out, hmm?

Gah, I have so many futures
for you on this board.

Just pick one and do it!

Enough.
I'm fine just doing what I do, okay?

I don't need
some fancy job.

Yes, you do!

Because if you give up
on being a lawyer,

which is actually doable,

then what does that
mean for me making it as a musician?

Erica, me saying
"I could've been a lawyer"

has nothing to do with you.

Of course it does!

I dropped out of college
just like you,

which means
I'll just end up being a mom

who constantly tells
her ungrateful kids

that "I could've been
a rock star."

I don't know whether to be
offended or worried,

but I don't like
either feeling.

But it's true.

Becoming a lawyer is hard,

and you gave up on it,
like, shockingly fast.

And the truth is...

I'm doing the same thing
with my music.

Ever since Lainey left...

[VOICE BREAKING] I haven't
sung a single note

or written any music

or even touched my keyboard.

Schmoo, you've got it
all wrong.

I gave up on being a lawyer
'cause that was never really my dream.

Then why do you
always say it?

'Cause it sounds better
than my real dream,

which is being a mama.
[CHUCKLES]

I'm living my dream.

If music is yours,
you can't just give up on it.

♪♪

I already have.

ADULT ADAM: After my brother
talked to the JTP,

he was starting to have some
doubts about his resume.

Unfortunately,
my dad had none.

Dad, I just finished
my college essay,

and I think we should
have a little talk.

Oh, you should have a talk,
but not with me.Huh?

I've got an alumnus
from Tufts here,

and he's gonna
interview you.

Remember my pal
Formica Mike?

[WHISPERING]
Your furniture nemesis?

I got his mom a great deal
on a water bed,

so he owes me.
But...

The JTP got me thinking,

maybe shoulder-padding
my resume...

[WHISPERING]
...isn't the most honest thing.

I don't care
what the PYT thinks.

You go in there and lie
and make your dad proud. Come on.

Here he is...

The future of Tufts!

Murray, you may be right,
if this resume is to be believed.

And it is!
I'm gonna get you guys some cookies.

Hydrox, if you got 'em!

Hydrox is the Oreo
of our people.

Uh-huh.
Listen, about my resume...

Oh, your resume, my gosh.

This is something special.

How does one person
find the time?

"How does one person
do all that stuff in one year," you ask?

Well... Don't.
Don't ask.

Okay.

Wow, there's so much here.

Uh, you're an
"unpaid assistant to a primate physician."

W... Well, I love monkeys,

so what's it like
to work with them?

It's good.

Care to elaborate?

Uh, they love
throwing barrels and stuff.

Barrels?
Yeah, it's annoying,

'cause you just got to save
your girlfriend

and then jump over
rolling barrels,

but luckily,
they break apart

when you whack 'em
with a mallet.

We're talking
about Donkey Kong, aren't we?

Yes! [GROANS] I'm sorry.

It's a lie, all of it!

I-I don't deserve
to be in Tufts.

He doesn't mean it.
He's just being a moron.

I do mean it.
So no Hydrox?

Look, I'm sorry I messed up
my whole senior year

and focused on
the wrong things,

but I won't lie my way
into college.

I was promised Hydrox.

That's why I wanted you
to read my essay.

It's not pretty,
but it's real.

It's about what really
happened this year, and...

[SIGHS]

If the truth isn't
good enough for Tufts,

then I'll just
have to live with it.

♪♪

Whoa, what's all this?

I figured it was time
to pursue a new dream.

I thought you said
being a mom was your dream.

And it is.

But you were right.

What kind of example
would I be setting

if I just gave up
on all my other dreams?

These are just recipes.

I've decided
to write a cookbook.

Oh, my God, yes!

I pitched you diplomat
and not cookbook? What is wrong with me?

Nothing!
You still got me here!

So, thank you, Boopie.

No need to thank me.

It's just good to know your
dreams don't end with me.

And even better?

Your dreams
are just starting,

and there's no way
I'm gonna let you give up before you even begin.

I just picked
an impossible dream, you know?

Schmoopie...

All dreams seem impossible.

You've just got to
put in the work.

ADULT ADAM:
Seeing that our mom

wasn't afraid
to follow her dreams

made Erica realize
that her own dreams weren't so scary.

And with that,
my sister was able to find her voice again.

♪ Clock strikes
upon the hour

♪ And the sun
begins to fade

♪ Still enough time
to figure out

♪ How to chase
my blues away

♪ I've done all right
up 'til now

♪ It's the light of day

♪ That shows me how
[SIGHS]

♪ When the night falls

♪ Loneliness calls
MURRAY: Hey.

I, um, read your essay.

Let me guess.
I'm a moron for telling the truth.

You really are,
but I loved it anyway.

Seriously?
Yeah. It moved me.

Why?

All I did was talk about
getting my heart shattered

and how this year
was a total waste.

Barry, what you wrote
was honest and real,

and it shows how much
you've grown,

and that's more important
than anything

you can put on some stupid
college resume.

Important enough
to get me into Tufts?

You know, I think it's time
we stop worrying about all that stuff.

But I know college
is the only thing you care about.

You know, there's one thing
I care about more... You.

ADULT ADAM: And that day,
Barry figured out that

as long as
you're true to yourself,

you'll be successful
anywhere you go.

Buckle up, baby.

God knows what kind
of drivers are out today.[SEATBELTS CLICKING]

Good news is you got us
that new stop sign.

Wasn't easy, you know.

Well, for you, it was.
You could've been a lawyer.

♪ Oh, I wanna dance
with somebody

♪ I wanna feel the heat
with somebody

[BRAKES SCREECH]
♪ Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody

♪ With somebody who loves me ♪

♪♪

[BELL DINGS]

Boom! Got it.
Add master of all cubes to my college resume.

I never thought
I'd say these words,

but I'm
incredibly impressed.

Dude, it's easy.
I just bought a bunch of other cubes

and peeled off
the stickers.

Oh, so you cheated.
Of course I did!

You suck, Mr. Rubik!

I cannot wait 'til everyone
forgets about you and your stupid toy.

Mark my words,
that toy is more than a fad.

Rubik and his cube
will be here forever.

[GRUNTS]
I get the appeal now.

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