All language subtitles for The Conners s01e09 Rage Against the Machine.eng

♪♪

Hey, D.J.
What are you doing here?

Geena sent me over
'cause she doesn't want

her or Mary to get sick.

I guess she figured whatever
germs are living in this couch

would kill
the intruders.

You're in luck, Deej.

The unlabeled can that was in
the pantry since we were kids?

Chicken soup.

Tastes okay.

Yeah, I figured.
The can was barely swollen.

-Hey.
-Hey.

Oh, don't go near D.J.

He's sick, and I've used up
all my nurturing on him,

so if you guys get sick,
I'm just gonna yell at you.

Sorry, Uncle D.J.
I can't get sick, anyway.

I have a test
tomorrow.

I do, too,

so if you want to cough
on my scarf, please do.

[ D.J. coughs ]

Thank you.

So...where's Dan?

Mom wants
some shelves put in

above her bed
for her bowling trophies.

Why can't you do it?

'Cause if it falls, I'm the one
with the obvious motive.

Dad's covering
my vending-machine route today.

I hope he can handle it.
It's a very complicated job.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughing ] Isn't it just
like you open a glass door,

and you replace
the chips and the candy?

Yeah, and space travel
is just lighting a rocket

and landing on the moon.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Did you just
equate space travel

with servicing
a vending machine?

[ Laughs ]

Oh, Dan. My God.

What happened?

A vending machine
fell over on me.

[ Gasps ]

I knew it.
Are you okay?

Again, a vending machine
fell on me.

How? They're bolted
to the wall.

This one wasn't.

-Are you sure?
-Yeah, I'm sure!

I had plenty of time
to stare at the wall

while it was crushing me.

Well, how bad is it?

I had to spend four hours
in the emergency.

Nobody has insurance now,

so they use it
like a doctor's office.

It's a no-win
situation

because the emergency
has to take you,

but it costs a fortune.

Oh, I don't know.
It was only $6,000.

If I'd have had my other pants
on, I'd have paid it right then.

$6,000?

I thought Medicare
covered like 80%.

They did, but they made me
take an MRI,

a blood test, an I.V.,

a bone guy, a brain guy.

That's the co-pay.

We can't afford this,
and it's the company's fault.

You know what? They better pay
or we're gonna have to sue.

Wait. Uh, you can't sue
the company I work for.

Eat your old soup
and be quiet.

Relax, Deej.
I'm not suing anybody.

I'm sure the company
will cover my expenses.

Oh, don't be naive,
Dan.

Those vending-machine
companies --

they'll nickle
and dime ya.

[ Laughing ]
Hey, hey!

[ Laughs ]

I didn't even
mean to do that.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of
a live studio audience.

Hey, check out
my updated website.

I'm using icons
to subliminally suggest

that people
use my services.

So, you see, the drum majorette
and the sun?

That implies I can
lead you to a life

where nobody
rains on your parade!

[ Laughs ]

Yeah, yeah.
That's a huge stretch.

You want
to hear about my day?

I don't care. I do.

The owner told me
I have to stop

flirting with
the other employees.

Well, to be fair, you did
have sex with two of them.

Yeah, he lead with that.

Did he single you out?

No. He told everyone there's
gonna be zero tolerance

for fraternizing
amongst the employees,

and he's making us all take
boundary-awareness training.

Well, that's not
the worst thing for you.

It's stupid.

Work is where
most people meet.

And meeting people at work
is perfect

because you know
they have jobs.

Um, let me talk to you
not as your Aunt Jackie,

but as Lanford's leading
certified life coach.

Um, maybe you're flirting
too much in general.

For instance,
the guy at the Rite Aid.

Paul?

It's just
a little game we play.

He asked you
to marry him,

and you haven't
said no yet.

That's the game.

Okay, well, at least
let me help you

get your boundary-awareness
certificate.

I'm fully accredited.
See?

A wise, old owl
is saying it.

I'm sorry to hear you
hurt yourself, Mr. Conner.

-Please call me Dan.
-Okay, Dan.

Um, before we start,
how about a snack?

Huh?
"Snack time's all the time."

That's our slogan.

Oh. I thought it'd be
something more like,

"We crush you with
our vending machines."

Anyway, we have cheese puffs,
mini pretzels,

and we have
cheese and crackers.

You know that little,
red, plastic paddle

in the cheese-and-cracker
packet?

That was us.

I don't want to take up
a lot of your time.

I'm just asking to get
my medical bills covered

because your machine should
have been bolted to that wall,

and I'll take some
cheese puffs for later.

Well, it's not that simple.

See, first of all, you're not
an authorized technician.

This, uh, never
would have happened

had you been trained
for the job.

It fell on him.

Are you saying if my dad
was trained

that gravity
would have behaved differently?

My company has a heart,

and I have been
authorized to...

offer to pay
half your medical bills.

Half?
Are you kidding me?

Relax, Darlene. We've just
started talking about this.

No, they're trying to screw us.
I knew they would do this.

I guess we're just gonna
have to get ourselves a lawyer.

How do you like
our new business, Dad?

Of course, we're gonna have
to get rid of Old Man Grayson.

[ Exhales deeply ]

Okay, we're done.

Once you say "lawyer," I'm no
longer allowed to talk to you.

Oh, I'd like to take
this opportunity

to dismiss my counsel.

I'll be representing
myself.

You're selling out
your daughter?

And how.

Oh, I like that.

But, no,
we can't keep talking.

They'll validate your parking
at the front desk.

Fine, but just
so you know,

your red, plastic paddle
is dumb.

You've got to make the cheese
softer or the paddle harder.

Jerk.

♪♪

I can't believe those phones
are more interesting than I am.

Sorry about that.
We were being rude.

Don't take this the wrong way,
but you're way too hot

to be working
in a place like this.

You're gonna let him leave you
in the dust like that?

I figured you knew you
were hot, so I didn't have to say anything.

Good job.

I'll get your waitress for you.
This isn't my section.

Hey, hey. Can I talk to you
for a second?

Sure.
Have you seen this?

That's your picture
on my rival's website,

Rita Silver.

How could you go to her
for your certificate?

Look what she wrote --
"I am now coaching

the niece
of Jackie Harris,

Lanford's number-two
life coach."

Look, I'm gonna
be honest with you.

I didn't know whether you were
a life coach or not.

I've never seen you
with a client.

Of course
I have clients!

You don't see them because
I fix their lives so quick!

We--

And Rita Silver
is a certificate mill,

and if you'd come to me,
you'd have your certificate

and a little bit of knowledge
about what's going on in there!

Sorry, but I think
this whole thing is bogus,

so why not just go to somebody
who's gonna rubber-stamp it?

I have enough
to deal with right now.

All right.
I'll let it go.

But [sniffs]
after what Rita said,

I might have to put a little
something on my website

that destroys
your reputation.

♪♪

Okay. We just did 10 minutes
of physical activity.

Can we have
our game controllers back?

Uh, I said 30 minutes.

It's 10 below zero.
The ball almost shattered.

Back in my day,
we called that shatterball,

and we loved it.

[ Receiver slams ]
That was the ambulance company.

I just went
two blocks for $800.

You want to meet with them and
get it up to an even thousand?

I-I told you
I'd handle the bills.

Like you handled the guy
at the vending-machine company?

We were negotiating.

We need somebody
to fight for us,

which is why
I called a lawyer,

and he should be here
any minute, and you're welcome.

[ Growling ]
I don't want a lawyer!

[ Normal voice ] I'll go back
and talk to the guy alone.

Oh, and do what?

Get five bucks more
and a packet of mini pretzels?

Just hear this guy out.
He's obviously very successful.

I saw his commercial on a screen
at the gas pump.

Oh, well, if the gas station
recommends him...

Why are you pushing this
so hard?

Because we were already
up against it,

and if you can't work for
a long time, it'll break us.

We don't have
any savings.

If you're worried about me,
I can take care of myself.

Well, what if
you can't?

I mean, there's barely
any good-paying jobs out there.

My kids might be living with us
until their 20s,

and if you're
not working,

I don't know how I'm gonna
take care of everybody.

I will not be a burden.

I'll sell my organs
to science...

...slowly.

[ Doorbell rings ]
Just play nice.

Don't attack him.
-I'll try,

but there's a reason
there's never been a lawyer in this house.

Or a teacher
or a senator

or anyone with
a master's degree.

Let's see what happens.

Darlene?
Brian Foster.

Oh, thank you so much
for coming.

This is my dad,
Dan Conner.

Nice to meet you,
Mr. Conner. Hey.

Sorry.
I got a bad wing.

Also I think all lawyers
should be thrown into the sea.

[ Chuckles ]

He was very pleasant
before the injury.

We should be compensated
for that.

Look, I'm sure
you must be worrying

not just
about the injury,

but how you're gonna
pay those bills.

That's what
I'm here for.

I am really gonna fight for you
to get a fair shake.

Uh, I was just telling him
we need someone to fight for us.

Remember I was just
telling you that?

Yeah, I do.

I have
the uncanny ability

to remember things
from seconds ago.

[ Chuckles ]

Look, I'm not looking
to win the lottery.

All I want is
my hospital bills paid.

Dan, you've already done
the hard work.

You got hurt.

Now let me do my job.
Darlene faxed me all the info.

I see six figures.

Whoa! Six figures?!
I'm not hurt that bad!

Never say that again.

You have no idea
what kind of problems

you're gonna have
in the future,

and this is pennies
to these people.

And the fact is,
they were negligent.

You were helping out
your sick kid,

which I know will make
every woman on that jury

want to have sex
with you.

I'd rather not.

If they can just bring me
a beer in front of the TV,

that'd be fine.

They'll settle this long
before they go to trial.

You deserve this money.

Wouldn't it be nice to put
a few bucks in the bank

for your family?

Oh, he'll do it.

Right? You'll do it?

He'll do it.

I'll do it.

Now all you got to do is
get my daughter on board.

♪♪

Here's to Dad
retiring before he dies.

So, Grandpa, how much money
are you gonna get?

We're not getting rich,

but we ought to see
a few bucks out of this,

and if we do,
it'll be good for all of us.

[ Sighs ]
Can you imagine?

We could get the house
down to one mortgage

and get
a new water heater

so we can shower like it's not
a pit stop at a NASCAR race.

Do I dare dream about
a college with a campus

instead of an office building
next to the freeway?

You can certainly
start thinking about it.

Thanks, Grandpa!

I love you
more than Mom.

The Art Institute is offering
five kids from our school

a chance to take classes
with Tony Fitzpatrick.

He's amazing.

I sent in some of my art
from class, and they picked me.

Wow.
I didn't know you did that.

It costs a lot of money, and I
didn't think we could afford it.

It's $500.

Is it important
to you? Yeah.

Let them know
you're coming.

I love you
more than Mom, too!

[ Jackie laughs ]

Darlene,
what do you want?

Well, the love of my children
would be nice.

So, another toast to Dan
for making it all possible

by doing something
as stupid

as pulling a vending machine
over on himself.

[ Clears throat ]

All right.
You guys can go ahead.

I'm gonna make Becky bring me
dessert, eat half of it,

and then send it back.

Can I get a daiquiri,
please?

Sure.
Thanks, Becky.

I'm sorry.
Do we know each other?

No, but you know
my boyfriend, Gil.

You've been texting him.

Huh.

I didn't know that Gil
had a girlfriend.

Also I don't know
who Gil is.

Really?
[ Scoffs ]

Oh, yeah.

I know that guy.

He never told me
he had a girlfriend.

Would you have cared
if he did?

Hey, if he's in
a relationship,

that's on him.

One daiquiri.

But you're the one
who's sending him

pictures of you in a short skirt
and cowboy boots.

Stop it. Look, I know
what you're doing, okay?

I've met trash before.

[ Pitcher thuds ]

You need to leave.
Oh, I intend to.

Oops. [ Sighs ]

I guess you'll probably
try to drink that up, right?

Because you seem to like stuff
I've already had.

Watch your men,
ladies!

'Cause this little slut
will come after them!

Why did you stop me?

Because she wasn't
totally wrong.

She called me a slut!
Okay, she was wrong about that,

but what do you think
that you would do

if somebody was texting your
boyfriend like you're doing?

I don't know, but
I wouldn't knock over

a perfectly good daiquiri.

Becky, you're looking for
all of your validation in men.

I know what it's like.

I used to look for a lot
of my self-worth in bars --

biker bars, trucker bars,
cop bars,

and one gay bar, which may or
may not have been an accident.

But that's you,
not me.

I admit that
I flirt too much,

but you're making it into
a bigger problem than it is.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Is that a guy?
Yeah, it's a guy.

Which one is this?
[ Inhales deeply ]

I don't know.
He didn't include his face.

Is that the direction
you want to keep going in?

No, not really.
Okay, well, then step one

is you have to erase
everything on that phone

that has anything to do
with flirting with guys.

Okay.

Might as well just do
a factory reset.

♪♪

You know, this whole lawsuit
thing is really bad for D.J.

Oh, well, I'm sure
he'll get another job.

He's got experience
handling change.

The coin-operated industry's
his oyster.

I know you guys use humor
to deal with things,

but D.J. was really happy
about this job,

and now he's depressed
about the possibility of getting fired.

Oh, he's getting fired.

I'm -- I'm sorry.
Humor.

Yeah, you're right.
It's wrong.

Did you know he's been
seeing a therapist at the VA

for the last two years?

No.
[ Doorbell rings ]

Look, please don't tell him
I told you.

He's so proud,
he wouldn't even tell you

what that chicken soup
did to him.

You can't take off the tray
table and answer the door?

I can, but evidently
I don't have to.

Hey, Brian.
Are you guys eating dinner or anything?

I don't want
to interrupt. No, no.

I was gonna call you,
but I --

I really needed
to talk to you in person.

Oh, I know what
you're doing here.

You're coming in
all sad-looking

and then you're gonna give us
a big, old check.

Not exactly. I talked to
the company's lawyers today.

And?

They decided they're gonna
fight this out in court.

Wait. But w-we'll
still win, right?

Here's how their lawyer
put it to me.

You know how you put a coin
in a vending machine

and that cinnamon bun
you're craving gets stuck?

Yeah.

And then you're at the point
where you have to decide,

are you gonna
put more money in,

hoping it will be pushed
further and drop,

or do you just go for
the Life Savers

'cause you know
they'll roll out easy?

Could you simplify this?
I'm about to throw up.

They're offering
a settlement.

It's not as much
as we'd hoped for.

How much is it?

No pain and suffering.

Just money for medical bills,
and after my fees come out,

you'll be
just a little short.

We're gonna be short?
You promised us six figures.

Oh, I was hoping
for six figures,

but these guys are
threatening to drag this out.

It could take years.

I recommend you
take the settlement.

God, this sucks.
You know what?

You're the last person
I ever hire off a gas pump.

We'll take the offer.

No.

You know what?

If we're taking this,
then D.J. has to keep his job.

That's the deal.

-I can do that.
-Thanks.

Let me walk you out.

You know, I just want you
to know, I had every intention

of sticking it
to those guys for you.

No, you didn't.

You were looking for a fat
settlement and a quick payout.

They offered you half,
and I got you more.

In my book,
that's a win.

That's no win.
You set us up.

You made my family think
that things were gonna work out for once,

and then
you bailed on us.

I should have
known better.

No other lawyer would have
done anything different.

That's the first honest thing
you've said to me.

Hey.
You took a shot.

If you'd lost the arm,

I think you'd be
in much better shape.

I have to go inside now

and tell my grandkids
why I have to let them down.

If I ever see you again,
I will kick your ass,

and then I will throw you
into the sea.

And there's no point
in suing me.

As you know,
we ain't got no money.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, Grandpa.
You don't have to tell me.

I heard.

People don't always
come through, pal.

I didn't really want to go
to that art class anyway.

It's gonna be
in the summer,

and there's other stuff
I'd rather do.

Oh, that's too bad,
'cause you're going.

Really?
But we can't afford it.

You have to pay
your doctor bills.

That's my business,
not yours.

Thanks, Grandpa.

What about me?

You said I could think about
going to a real college.

Yeah, fair is fair.
You can keep thinking about it.

So, one of the reasons
you may have been looking

for external validation
from men

is because
you don't feel good

about what you've accomplished
in your life.

How can you say that?
Look around you.

So, we're gonna come up
with a plan

that helps you
get a career

so you can feel good
about something

more than just
your pretty face.

You think I'm pretty?

Kidding.
I know I'm pretty.

So, what is
your dream job?

Okay,
but don't laugh.

I've always wanted to work
at the Field Museum.

You know, in that room
where they clean off

the fossils
and the artifacts?

I saw that
on a field trip once,

and I've never stopped
thinking about it.

Wow, archaeologist.
Uncovering history.

Bringing
the past to life.

I brought materials on paralegal
and dental technician,

but let's roll with this.

I don't even know
where to start.

Well, Jackie's
jewel number one --

Find somebody who's doing it
and talk to them.

Here's the Field Museum
website.

Maybe we make a few calls.
Maybe you could intern.

Here's the manager
of the docent volunteers.

He's cute.

Oh, great.

We can work
on two things.

♪♪

Darlene: Oh, Dad.
I called the hospital.

We qualify for
an assistance program.

Technically,
we're indigent.

[ Cheers and applause ]
Ow!

Yeah!

After paying off
all of the medical bills

and Mark's art class,

we have $645 left.

Which part of Europe
are we gonna see first?

We can go
to Santa's Village!

Oh, you remember
how much fun that was?

We would go in the petting zoo,
and then all those animals

would jump up on us with crap
all over their feet,

and then we'd go get
gingerbread cookies

without washing our hands,
and Dad would say,

"You guys are gonna all
get sick," and then we did?

[ Laughter ]

I want to go!

All right, all right.

I say, though, it's Grandpa's
money, and he gets to decide.

I've always been a fan
of the mail-order steaks.

How about we order
30 of them?

I will eat
one filet a night

for 30
consecutive nights.

It will be known
as the "month of mignon."

Oh. Wow. You're a good dad.
You're not gonna linger.

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0