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1
00:00:14,900 --> 00:00:18,220
Hmm... Mrs Harper's got
a new washer.
2
00:00:19,500 --> 00:00:20,620
It gleams.
3
00:00:20,660 --> 00:00:22,619
Looks space age, hi-tech.
4
00:00:22,620 --> 00:00:25,380
We don't need a new washer.
5
00:00:25,420 --> 00:00:28,580
Who said anything about us
needing a new washer?
6
00:00:28,620 --> 00:00:31,620
Just cos I have to wind
a handle to work ours.
7
00:00:31,660 --> 00:00:34,499
Well, it's good exercise, in't it?
8
00:00:34,500 --> 00:00:36,939
You see what a good parent I am?
Pff!
9
00:00:36,940 --> 00:00:38,740
I'm looking after your health.
10
00:00:38,780 --> 00:00:41,820
We'll never have petal white undies.
11
00:00:41,860 --> 00:00:45,380
Yeah, for all the action they get,
they're close enough.
12
00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:50,105
Eh up, here comes a black cloud.
13
00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:54,180
Granville.
No, will you let...?
14
00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:56,820
Granville... Granville...
15
00:00:56,860 --> 00:01:01,700
I had a funny phone call last night,
somebody breathing at the other end,
16
00:01:01,740 --> 00:01:04,340
and immediately I thought of you.
17
00:01:04,380 --> 00:01:07,980
No, it wasn't me,
I don't breathe at the other end.
18
00:01:09,450 --> 00:01:14,059
I thought, "Has he finally finished
fighting the attraction between us?"
19
00:01:14,060 --> 00:01:19,100
Uh... Now, this person that called,
did he reverse the charges?
20
00:01:19,316 --> 00:01:21,528
No. Well, it wasn't me, then.
21
00:01:21,638 --> 00:01:23,899
Oh, I'm not so sure.
22
00:01:23,900 --> 00:01:27,700
Has, um... Has Mr Newbold been in?
23
00:01:27,740 --> 00:01:29,540
You could try at the library.
24
00:01:31,780 --> 00:01:33,780
I think I'll try the library.
25
00:01:36,100 --> 00:01:38,699
Oh, I think she's losing
her grip on Mr Newbold.
26
00:01:38,700 --> 00:01:40,980
Oh, no, don't say that.
27
00:01:41,020 --> 00:01:43,957
He's the only thing
that keeps her away from me.
28
00:01:44,004 --> 00:01:46,832
Yeah, well, you will keep making
those funny phone calls, eh?
29
00:01:46,873 --> 00:01:48,153
Hey! Ooh!
30
00:02:09,780 --> 00:02:11,980
Well, at least it's not raining.
31
00:02:12,020 --> 00:02:15,819
It's cold, it's miserable,
it's EARLY...
32
00:02:15,820 --> 00:02:18,019
...but at least it's not raining.
33
00:02:18,020 --> 00:02:19,459
Early?
34
00:02:19,460 --> 00:02:21,940
You don't know what early is.
35
00:02:21,980 --> 00:02:25,580
In my day, we had earlies
so early that you were late
36
00:02:25,620 --> 00:02:27,620
even if you were on time!
37
00:02:37,020 --> 00:02:40,420
Little bird tells me we're coming
to the end of that till.
38
00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:42,860
I've seen some of your little birds.
39
00:02:42,900 --> 00:02:47,100
They're not a good guide for basic
grocering, are they? Eh? Eh?
40
00:02:47,140 --> 00:02:50,619
I'm having this vision
of a replacement.
41
00:02:50,620 --> 00:02:55,020
Something that's shiny, streamlined,
that works!
42
00:02:55,060 --> 00:02:56,339
Shhhh!
43
00:02:56,340 --> 00:02:59,300
Will you keep your voice down?!
44
00:02:59,340 --> 00:03:01,579
What do you want to say
a thing like that for?
45
00:03:01,580 --> 00:03:04,019
You know he's listening!
46
00:03:04,020 --> 00:03:05,460
Watch my lips.
47
00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:07,300
We need a new till.
48
00:03:09,780 --> 00:03:11,420
I told you he were listening.
49
00:03:15,420 --> 00:03:17,780
It's all right, he didn't mean it.
50
00:03:44,220 --> 00:03:45,820
Here.
51
00:03:48,100 --> 00:03:50,459
Hm? Hm? Ha!
52
00:03:50,460 --> 00:03:52,899
You'll be ruining people's eyes
with that lot.
53
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:55,900
Hey, they pick their own,
so how come it's my fault?
54
00:03:59,660 --> 00:04:01,619
Good day to you, Granville.
55
00:04:01,620 --> 00:04:04,260
Oh, and a good day to you,
Mr Newbold.
56
00:04:05,540 --> 00:04:07,579
Ah... Oh.
57
00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:09,980
These look... cheap.
58
00:04:11,260 --> 00:04:15,300
They're from one of the premier
optical houses in Calamistan.
59
00:04:15,340 --> 00:04:17,339
Calamistan? Mm. Oh...
60
00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:20,300
Isn't that a dirt-poor
barren stretch of rock and sand?
61
00:04:21,620 --> 00:04:23,620
Or am I thinking of a life
with Mrs Featherstone?
62
00:04:24,660 --> 00:04:27,060
No, no.
It's a dictatorship.
63
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,739
And people have been made
to change their prescription
64
00:04:29,740 --> 00:04:32,940
in order to make
their leader look better.
65
00:04:32,980 --> 00:04:36,220
So, as a consequence,
I am able to offer
66
00:04:36,260 --> 00:04:39,020
all their old ones
at a bargain price.
67
00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:41,900
How do these look?
68
00:04:41,940 --> 00:04:44,420
Oh, yes, very scholarly.
69
00:04:44,460 --> 00:04:48,059
You'll be irresistible
to Mrs Featherstone in those.
70
00:04:48,060 --> 00:04:49,820
Ye gods, they won't do.
71
00:04:52,300 --> 00:04:53,460
What about these?
72
00:04:56,100 --> 00:04:57,540
Yeah, but why are you asking me?
73
00:04:57,580 --> 00:05:00,099
You should be asking
Mrs Featherstone!
74
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:04,260
The days of my heeding
Mrs Featherstone's opinion are over.
75
00:05:05,500 --> 00:05:06,700
Finito, Granville.
76
00:05:08,220 --> 00:05:11,500
Now, I am looking for something...
slightly devilish.
77
00:05:11,540 --> 00:05:12,819
Huh? Hm?
78
00:05:12,820 --> 00:05:16,220
A bit of a swashbuckler,
man about town.
79
00:05:17,420 --> 00:05:22,180
Have you buckled many swashes
in your time, Mr Newbold?
80
00:05:22,220 --> 00:05:24,179
I mean to say...
81
00:05:24,180 --> 00:05:27,380
...is that... REALLY you?
82
00:05:27,420 --> 00:05:30,059
It is now.
I'm off the hook, Granville.
83
00:05:30,060 --> 00:05:32,500
I'm soon to be Featherstone-free.
84
00:05:34,340 --> 00:05:39,380
Mr Newbold, look,
think about what you're giving up.
85
00:05:39,660 --> 00:05:43,019
People look up to you
because you've been where
86
00:05:43,020 --> 00:05:46,300
very few people
have ever dared to go.
87
00:05:46,340 --> 00:05:48,860
No, I haven't.
Thank goodness.
88
00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:50,540
She's saving herself for Mr Right.
89
00:05:50,580 --> 00:05:53,980
I sometimes think
she has an eye on you. Hm?
90
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,060
No, please.
91
00:05:57,300 --> 00:06:00,300
Don't blow your chances,
cos you're almost there.
92
00:06:00,340 --> 00:06:02,859
You're up there
with Antony and Cleopatra,
93
00:06:02,860 --> 00:06:04,659
with Romeo and Juliet.
94
00:06:04,660 --> 00:06:08,299
I could see it, it's... it's
Newbold and Featherstone.
95
00:06:08,300 --> 00:06:11,859
Yes, yes, watch.
This is me blowing my chances.
96
00:06:13,940 --> 00:06:16,579
And it's all down to this book.
97
00:06:16,580 --> 00:06:20,299
Inspiring, Granville.
A genuine game-changer!
98
00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:23,340
Yes, but just think of all the games
that you'll be missing
99
00:06:23,380 --> 00:06:25,539
in the future with Mrs Featherstone.
100
00:06:25,540 --> 00:06:29,740
I do, Granville, I used to lay awake
at night thinking about them.
101
00:06:29,780 --> 00:06:31,420
Brought me out in spots.
102
00:06:32,420 --> 00:06:36,260
That's HOW you know
that she is THE ONE.
103
00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:38,500
Hm... Strange, really.
104
00:06:41,020 --> 00:06:42,780
I used to be afraid of the woman.
105
00:06:44,220 --> 00:06:45,340
Not any more.
106
00:06:47,620 --> 00:06:49,740
My new Bible, Granville.
107
00:06:51,180 --> 00:06:52,580
Take Control Of You.
108
00:06:54,420 --> 00:06:56,580
Does Mrs Featherstone know
about this?
109
00:06:56,620 --> 00:06:59,220
She will. Mm-hm!
110
00:06:59,260 --> 00:07:00,620
She will.
111
00:07:03,100 --> 00:07:04,420
Oh...
112
00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:08,140
He wants to go camping.
113
00:07:08,180 --> 00:07:10,300
For our holiday,
he wants to go camping!
114
00:07:10,340 --> 00:07:12,620
Well, don't let him start
wearing shorts.
115
00:07:12,660 --> 00:07:15,260
If I see one more pair of male legs
in shorts,
116
00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:17,100
I shall demand a tax refund.
117
00:07:17,140 --> 00:07:19,300
I think it's best not to look.
118
00:07:19,340 --> 00:07:21,180
Like when you pass an accident.
119
00:07:21,220 --> 00:07:22,739
Tax refund?
120
00:07:22,740 --> 00:07:25,420
Shorts are not
the Government's fault.
121
00:07:25,460 --> 00:07:26,820
It's not often you can say that.
122
00:07:26,860 --> 00:07:30,299
Then whose fault is it? You see all
these male legs on show...
123
00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:32,939
You can't believe that their owners
have volunteered.
124
00:07:32,940 --> 00:07:34,979
I think they're getting paid.
125
00:07:34,980 --> 00:07:37,219
Well, who's going to pay for
men showing their legs?
126
00:07:37,220 --> 00:07:38,820
The Government!
127
00:07:38,860 --> 00:07:41,579
It's a sneaky form of birth control.
128
00:07:41,580 --> 00:07:44,700
A woman takes one look
at the average male in shorts
129
00:07:44,740 --> 00:07:47,140
and she never wants
any more children.
130
00:07:47,180 --> 00:07:50,219
He just wants to go camping.
He didn't say anything about shorts.
131
00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:53,939
If you go camping,
he'll be wearing shorts. They do.
132
00:07:53,940 --> 00:07:56,179
There's something about tents
that lures them
133
00:07:56,180 --> 00:07:57,939
out of their trousers.
134
00:07:57,940 --> 00:08:00,820
There's some camping going off,
then, in Cooper Street.
135
00:08:00,860 --> 00:08:03,540
And this is him who needs
a soft mattress.
136
00:08:03,580 --> 00:08:05,820
Beware of soft mattresses.
137
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:08,660
Men can spring at you
from the dips and hollows.
138
00:08:10,140 --> 00:08:12,340
Oh, Eric doesn't do springing.
139
00:08:12,380 --> 00:08:15,380
He comes up silently, like fog.
140
00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:24,380
How do these look?
141
00:08:26,260 --> 00:08:27,980
They look like glasses.
142
00:08:28,020 --> 00:08:30,180
What do you want from me,
admiration?
143
00:08:30,220 --> 00:08:32,900
Is it too much to ask
for a little reassurance?
144
00:08:32,940 --> 00:08:34,420
Do they suit me?
145
00:08:34,460 --> 00:08:37,060
At �3.50, I think
they're pretty suitable.
146
00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:39,579
Even if we do have
to keep changing 'em.
147
00:08:39,580 --> 00:08:42,419
Hey, what is this I hear about you
going camping?
148
00:08:42,420 --> 00:08:44,459
What of it?
149
00:08:44,460 --> 00:08:46,499
You make it sound like
I'm asking Kath to walk down
150
00:08:46,500 --> 00:08:48,500
the high street half naked!
151
00:08:48,540 --> 00:08:50,219
They've got the road up.
152
00:08:50,220 --> 00:08:54,580
Is that significant? It is, if she's
walking down the high street.
153
00:08:54,620 --> 00:08:56,020
There's a diversion!
154
00:08:58,780 --> 00:09:01,500
Will you stop handling
those glasses?
155
00:09:01,540 --> 00:09:03,500
You're going to smear the lenses.
156
00:09:03,540 --> 00:09:04,979
They're blurred anyway.
157
00:09:04,980 --> 00:09:07,860
Look, just slide them down
to the end of your nose.
158
00:09:10,260 --> 00:09:11,460
All right?
159
00:09:11,500 --> 00:09:15,700
Now you look over the top
for distance,
160
00:09:15,740 --> 00:09:18,740
and down through the lens
for close work.
161
00:09:24,260 --> 00:09:26,260
Hey, that's better!
162
00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:28,339
It's working for me.
163
00:09:28,340 --> 00:09:31,180
There you are, bifocals.
164
00:09:31,220 --> 00:09:33,140
Where would you get that for �3.50?
165
00:09:44,180 --> 00:09:46,100
What have you been buying?
166
00:09:46,140 --> 00:09:48,380
Things which will be good for
this business.
167
00:09:50,700 --> 00:09:52,499
Ta-dah! Ey?
168
00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:55,939
Your modern, streamlined till.
169
00:09:55,940 --> 00:09:57,540
You can take that back. Wha...?
170
00:09:57,580 --> 00:10:01,020
No, give her a chance,
get used to it.
171
00:10:01,060 --> 00:10:02,699
Keep all your fingers!
172
00:10:02,700 --> 00:10:04,460
What about him?
173
00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:07,700
Oh, come on, get real!
174
00:10:07,740 --> 00:10:09,100
Listen.
175
00:10:09,140 --> 00:10:10,779
Large display.
176
00:10:10,780 --> 00:10:12,380
Silent printing.
177
00:10:12,420 --> 00:10:14,820
SD card for data back-up.
178
00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:18,740
Look at it, man, it's beautiful.
179
00:10:18,780 --> 00:10:20,100
He don't like it.
180
00:10:21,380 --> 00:10:22,740
And how do you know that?
181
00:10:25,420 --> 00:10:27,020
Ch...!
182
00:10:39,420 --> 00:10:41,859
It's an evolutionary fact.
183
00:10:41,860 --> 00:10:44,340
They've been developed
for central heating.
184
00:10:44,380 --> 00:10:47,820
They no longer need
a source of male heat in bed.
185
00:10:49,620 --> 00:10:50,940
I blame the duvet.
186
00:10:51,940 --> 00:10:54,820
The duvet has done terrible damage
to the need for a cuddle.
187
00:10:56,860 --> 00:10:58,260
Cuddle?
188
00:10:58,300 --> 00:11:01,300
I've just narrowly escaped
the embrace of a python.
189
00:11:03,860 --> 00:11:07,820
I wish my mother-in-law would go
camping, instead of camping with us.
190
00:11:07,860 --> 00:11:10,060
I'm not taking your mother-in-law.
191
00:11:10,100 --> 00:11:12,179
I've already got
my own bolshie female.
192
00:11:12,180 --> 00:11:13,740
Strong women.
193
00:11:13,780 --> 00:11:15,860
We seem to have a surfeit
of strong women.
194
00:11:17,020 --> 00:11:19,100
I think it's the Pontefract cakes.
195
00:11:20,660 --> 00:11:23,900
You have to be pretty sturdy
to face a Pontefract cake.
196
00:11:31,860 --> 00:11:35,180
Look, I know the world's not
listening, but here's me question.
197
00:11:35,220 --> 00:11:38,260
What exactly is wrong with camping?
198
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:42,099
Uncomfortable, inconvenient,
cold, damp...
199
00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:45,020
Not with modern tents.
It's pure luxury!
200
00:11:46,060 --> 00:11:49,300
The great outdoors,
underneath the stars...
201
00:11:50,340 --> 00:11:52,579
..zero distractions.
202
00:11:52,580 --> 00:11:54,540
Just the two of you.
203
00:11:54,580 --> 00:11:55,980
Hey!
204
00:11:56,020 --> 00:11:59,140
Now I'm beginning to get
your thinking, yeah.
205
00:11:59,180 --> 00:12:02,179
Do we gather that your wife
is not over enthused
206
00:12:02,180 --> 00:12:04,539
with this camping scheme?
207
00:12:04,540 --> 00:12:06,579
They seem to have zero interest
in recapturing
208
00:12:06,580 --> 00:12:08,580
the playfulness of youth.
209
00:12:08,620 --> 00:12:10,819
Have you considered making the
decision for them?
210
00:12:10,820 --> 00:12:11,980
Ha-ha!
211
00:12:13,420 --> 00:12:14,860
Asserting yourselves.
212
00:12:16,580 --> 00:12:18,100
Taking control.
213
00:12:28,980 --> 00:12:32,899
So, let him live in the new till.
What? Plastic? No.
214
00:12:32,900 --> 00:12:35,980
This is genuine Sheffield steel.
215
00:12:37,260 --> 00:12:39,260
There's a glow in real steel.
216
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:41,980
I mean, you can feel it.
217
00:12:42,020 --> 00:12:45,140
I daren't feel it.
It's liable to bite your hand off.
218
00:12:47,620 --> 00:12:49,420
I can't be doing with these glasses.
219
00:12:52,140 --> 00:12:54,660
You said I could bring 'em back.
220
00:12:54,700 --> 00:12:59,020
No, no, keep your glasses on.
Madge likes you in glasses.
221
00:12:59,060 --> 00:13:00,380
She never said.
222
00:13:00,420 --> 00:13:01,980
No, they don't, do they?
223
00:13:02,020 --> 00:13:04,660
It's the way they look at you.
224
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:06,419
Eh up, quick, put 'em back.
225
00:13:06,420 --> 00:13:08,820
What have you got that's frozen?
226
00:13:08,860 --> 00:13:12,300
Who's been spreading a rumour
like that?
227
00:13:12,340 --> 00:13:16,780
We need something quick for a lunch
that's edible and not overpriced.
228
00:13:16,820 --> 00:13:19,060
Oh, he's edible and not overpriced.
229
00:13:20,340 --> 00:13:22,939
What have you got for lunch?
230
00:13:22,940 --> 00:13:25,180
Well, have a look in the freezer.
231
00:13:28,460 --> 00:13:32,660
Why don't you go over to Madge,
smile and show her your glasses?
232
00:13:35,740 --> 00:13:36,940
Hello, Madge.
233
00:13:39,420 --> 00:13:40,980
Excuse me. No...
234
00:13:42,380 --> 00:13:44,420
Madge. Oh!
235
00:13:46,100 --> 00:13:47,900
You're looking well, Madge.
236
00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:53,580
What are you blinking at?
237
00:13:55,260 --> 00:13:56,860
What's wrong with your eyes?
238
00:13:56,900 --> 00:13:59,299
Erm... I...
239
00:13:59,300 --> 00:14:03,540
Tell her you're overcome
by her charms.
240
00:14:03,580 --> 00:14:05,340
Right. Uh...
241
00:14:06,620 --> 00:14:08,380
I'm... I'm overdone, Madge...
242
00:14:10,060 --> 00:14:12,099
...by your charts.
243
00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:14,459
What charts?
244
00:14:14,460 --> 00:14:16,020
You'll have to ask him.
245
00:14:18,220 --> 00:14:20,620
My fingers are freezing.
246
00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:24,060
Look in there and see if you can
find some salmon en croute.
247
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:27,460
Yes, all right.
248
00:14:28,620 --> 00:14:30,179
I'm not eating that!
249
00:14:30,180 --> 00:14:31,780
Well, you've had it before.
250
00:14:31,820 --> 00:14:34,620
Well, nobody told me,
and I didn't like it then.
251
00:14:39,620 --> 00:14:41,740
My brown shoes
have been moved again.
252
00:14:41,780 --> 00:14:43,779
They're not where I like
to keep them.
253
00:14:43,780 --> 00:14:45,980
My toast was slightly underdone
this morning.
254
00:14:47,180 --> 00:14:49,860
There's been some slippage in the
quality of your gravy of late -
255
00:14:49,900 --> 00:14:52,100
AND we are going camping.
256
00:14:56,500 --> 00:14:58,380
Just sit yourself down.
257
00:14:58,420 --> 00:14:59,420
Right.
258
00:15:01,460 --> 00:15:04,819
Now, you know this place is haunted,
don't you?
259
00:15:06,340 --> 00:15:09,940
I know there's this ruthless figure
that's always after your money.
260
00:15:09,980 --> 00:15:11,780
Yes.
261
00:15:11,820 --> 00:15:13,300
That's him.
262
00:15:13,340 --> 00:15:15,660
The one I'm thinking about's
nearer than that!
263
00:15:17,380 --> 00:15:22,100
The trouble is, our Leroy doesn't
believe that he's still around.
264
00:15:22,140 --> 00:15:27,140
So you are going to help me
make him a believer.
265
00:15:27,180 --> 00:15:31,700
All you've got to do is to hide
and pretend to be the ghost.
266
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:35,579
Why am I hiding?
267
00:15:35,580 --> 00:15:40,620
Well, because 's necessary
that Leroy doesn't see you.
268
00:15:41,060 --> 00:15:43,099
All we need is your voice.
269
00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:45,300
I'm afraid that comes with the rest.
270
00:15:46,340 --> 00:15:48,380
Why am I hiding from Leroy?
271
00:15:52,060 --> 00:15:55,060
Don't worry about it.
Don't worry.
272
00:15:55,100 --> 00:15:58,659
Let's just have a little rehearsal.
273
00:15:58,660 --> 00:16:01,620
All I want you to say is...
274
00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:05,420
..."Take it away."
275
00:16:06,860 --> 00:16:09,300
I can do that -
I like takeaways.
276
00:16:11,540 --> 00:16:12,940
Let's hear it.
277
00:16:15,380 --> 00:16:16,540
Take it away.
278
00:16:18,460 --> 00:16:20,939
No, no.
Put some feeling in it!
279
00:16:20,940 --> 00:16:24,500
We want it strange, eerie,
otherworldly.
280
00:16:26,980 --> 00:16:28,940
Take it away.
281
00:16:30,340 --> 00:16:32,860
That's not eerie, is it?
Not otherworldly!
282
00:16:32,900 --> 00:16:34,660
That's hardly next door!
283
00:16:35,940 --> 00:16:37,020
Oh...
284
00:16:38,980 --> 00:16:41,819
Oh, wait a minute.
I've got an idea.
285
00:16:41,820 --> 00:16:43,140
Come up here.
286
00:16:45,660 --> 00:16:47,219
Right.
287
00:16:47,220 --> 00:16:52,180
Put your head in their and say,
in a long, drawn-out way,
288
00:16:53,820 --> 00:16:56,180
"Take it away!"
289
00:17:02,140 --> 00:17:04,740
Take it away!
290
00:17:06,380 --> 00:17:09,540
Yes! Now we're getting somewhere!
291
00:17:12,700 --> 00:17:14,900
Right. Here we go.
292
00:17:14,940 --> 00:17:19,140
A nice bit of polish,
soon bring the colour up.
293
00:17:19,180 --> 00:17:21,980
Yep, we will have you
looking your best.
294
00:17:25,300 --> 00:17:28,100
Oh, good day to you, Mr Lucas.
295
00:17:28,140 --> 00:17:29,739
How's yourself and all the family?
296
00:17:29,740 --> 00:17:31,019
We're not speaking.
297
00:17:31,020 --> 00:17:32,979
Oh. What, again?
298
00:17:32,980 --> 00:17:35,939
Is that all the family,
or just Mrs Lucas?
299
00:17:35,940 --> 00:17:38,660
She's the worst. Oh.
She sides with them.
300
00:17:38,700 --> 00:17:40,260
I might as well live on my own.
301
00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:42,659
Have you got any
Carter's Little Liver Pills left?
302
00:17:42,660 --> 00:17:44,140
I've just finished mine.
303
00:17:44,180 --> 00:17:46,620
How long have you had those?
304
00:17:46,660 --> 00:17:49,980
They went out of production
in the 1960s!
305
00:17:50,020 --> 00:17:52,179
I know, but old Arkwright sold me
a whole batch of them
306
00:17:52,180 --> 00:17:54,580
he managed to find
in a warehouse in Upper Poppleton.
307
00:17:55,940 --> 00:17:58,940
Oh! Ha-ha. That batch!
308
00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:02,220
Oh, dear, I don't know
how much longer
309
00:18:02,260 --> 00:18:04,460
I can live with Mrs Lucas
without the pills.
310
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:06,060
Don't worry.
311
00:18:06,100 --> 00:18:07,900
Help is at hand.
312
00:18:09,300 --> 00:18:11,620
We'll soon put you on
the right road.
313
00:18:11,660 --> 00:18:15,020
Here we are. There.
314
00:18:15,060 --> 00:18:18,260
Doctor Proctor's Little Lover Pills.
315
00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:20,500
You mean, Liver Pills?
No, Lover Pills.
316
00:18:20,540 --> 00:18:22,340
Little LOVER Pills.
317
00:18:23,940 --> 00:18:26,819
Trust me, tests have shown that
they're good for
318
00:18:26,820 --> 00:18:28,220
a happy liver as well.
319
00:18:29,460 --> 00:18:30,859
No label.
320
00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:33,900
I know, that is to save
any embarrassment.
321
00:18:33,940 --> 00:18:38,180
It's the pharmaceutical equivalent
of a...
322
00:18:38,220 --> 00:18:40,340
...a plain brown envelope.
323
00:18:43,300 --> 00:18:44,699
Are they any good?
324
00:18:44,700 --> 00:18:49,540
Oh, they'll be the best �5
that you've ever spent.
325
00:18:50,900 --> 00:18:52,379
Let me put it this way.
326
00:18:52,380 --> 00:18:57,100
I shall be very surprised if you and
Mrs Lucas are not...
327
00:18:58,700 --> 00:19:00,740
...speaking by tonight.
328
00:19:05,020 --> 00:19:07,180
Thank you very much, sir.
Do call again.
329
00:19:11,940 --> 00:19:14,740
Now, come in. Sit down.
330
00:19:14,780 --> 00:19:18,819
And tell me how you've been
getting on after reading the book.
331
00:19:18,820 --> 00:19:20,620
Changed my life.
332
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,419
I knew it!
333
00:19:22,420 --> 00:19:23,820
It's changing mine.
334
00:19:31,140 --> 00:19:32,220
Pass.
335
00:19:33,260 --> 00:19:34,860
What, nothing to report?
336
00:19:34,900 --> 00:19:37,499
I'll tell you what I've got
to report...
337
00:19:37,500 --> 00:19:39,300
I read the book. Good.
338
00:19:39,340 --> 00:19:42,140
I absorbed the message.
Me too.
339
00:19:42,180 --> 00:19:43,380
I was on message.
340
00:19:43,420 --> 00:19:47,539
Excellent. And you felt the power
of regaining your manhood?
341
00:19:47,540 --> 00:19:50,259
I felt the power shooting up
me spine.
342
00:19:50,260 --> 00:19:53,940
Mine did that. I could feel my macho
going ape.
343
00:19:53,980 --> 00:19:57,180
Yes, well, we might have to bring
it down eventually.
344
00:19:57,220 --> 00:19:59,020
Not be too brutish.
345
00:19:59,060 --> 00:20:00,259
No!
346
00:20:00,260 --> 00:20:02,300
I found myself shouting, "Yes!"
347
00:20:04,340 --> 00:20:07,060
I wanted to salute something. Me!
348
00:20:08,020 --> 00:20:10,100
I were like a raging bull.
349
00:20:11,940 --> 00:20:14,740
And then you went home
and faced her and...?
350
00:20:16,420 --> 00:20:18,500
The bull turned out to be a chicken.
351
00:20:19,780 --> 00:20:20,980
Oh, Cyril...
352
00:20:26,660 --> 00:20:29,700
I thought you'd be using it by now.
353
00:20:29,740 --> 00:20:31,580
You're determined not to use it,
aren't you?
354
00:20:31,620 --> 00:20:32,940
No, it's not that.
355
00:20:32,980 --> 00:20:35,420
I was, but the message came down.
356
00:20:36,580 --> 00:20:37,820
"Take it away."
357
00:20:39,060 --> 00:20:40,619
You're just being stubborn.
358
00:20:40,620 --> 00:20:44,819
It's true, I were going to use it,
I went towards it like that,
359
00:20:44,820 --> 00:20:47,580
and a voice said, "Take it away."
360
00:20:47,620 --> 00:20:50,339
I went, "Oh, yeah."
361
00:20:50,340 --> 00:20:53,940
I hadn't heard any voices.
Well, I'm just telling you.
362
00:20:53,980 --> 00:20:55,660
Take it away.
363
00:20:58,780 --> 00:21:00,340
You did that.
364
00:21:00,380 --> 00:21:02,180
I don't yet know how,
but you did that.
365
00:21:02,220 --> 00:21:04,820
Did what? Oh, come on.
366
00:21:05,940 --> 00:21:07,060
You heard the voice.
367
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,700
No, I didn't hear any voice.
368
00:21:09,740 --> 00:21:12,499
Well, I did. You did?
369
00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:16,220
He's talking directly to you now.
370
00:21:16,260 --> 00:21:17,740
Oh-ho-ho...!
371
00:21:18,900 --> 00:21:21,060
Take it away!
372
00:21:24,780 --> 00:21:26,180
Go on, go and answer the shop.
373
00:21:30,540 --> 00:21:31,859
You...!
374
00:21:36,740 --> 00:21:39,980
How did I do? You were great.
375
00:21:40,020 --> 00:21:42,460
I thought we'd got Brian Blessed
under there.
376
00:21:44,020 --> 00:21:46,460
That's one to cross off
me bucket list, eh!
377
00:21:50,140 --> 00:21:52,540
Tell him, Eric,
how it worked for you.
378
00:21:52,580 --> 00:21:54,180
Wha...? Oh...
379
00:21:54,220 --> 00:21:58,580
Well, I went home, opened the door,
showed Kath me stony face
380
00:21:58,620 --> 00:22:01,900
and gave her a load of lip
and now...
381
00:22:01,940 --> 00:22:04,340
...I'm wondering how long
it is before I dare go back home.
382
00:22:05,820 --> 00:22:08,820
I'm here, Wilburn.
Have you missed me?
383
00:22:10,900 --> 00:22:12,700
Moment of truth for you, then.
384
00:22:14,540 --> 00:22:16,100
Our advice would be...
385
00:22:17,620 --> 00:22:18,820
...don't fight it.
386
00:22:20,260 --> 00:22:23,220
There's no shame in
surrendering bravely.
387
00:22:23,260 --> 00:22:25,660
There comes a time when one
has to make a stand.
388
00:22:26,780 --> 00:22:28,140
I only ask one favour.
389
00:22:29,380 --> 00:22:31,060
Pull me back if I get too
hard on her.
390
00:22:32,620 --> 00:22:35,460
Sit down. Relax.
391
00:22:35,500 --> 00:22:36,820
Back shortly.
392
00:22:38,300 --> 00:22:39,700
She's not staying.
393
00:22:39,740 --> 00:22:41,340
She's in for a surprise.
394
00:22:43,380 --> 00:22:44,780
She's leaving.
395
00:22:51,060 --> 00:22:53,500
Sit down, please. There are things
I have to say to you.
396
00:22:53,540 --> 00:22:54,739
In the kitchen?
397
00:22:54,740 --> 00:22:56,740
Why have I been downgraded
to the kitchen?
398
00:22:56,780 --> 00:22:59,580
It's as good a place as anywhere
to make my intentions clear.
399
00:22:59,620 --> 00:23:01,420
Oh, Wilburn...
400
00:23:01,460 --> 00:23:04,180
Oh... Oh, you romantic old dog.
401
00:23:05,540 --> 00:23:07,500
Would it not be more suitable
in the lounge?
402
00:23:07,540 --> 00:23:09,340
Mrs Featherstone...
"Mrs Featherstone"?
403
00:23:09,380 --> 00:23:11,739
What am I, your weekly cleaner?
404
00:23:11,740 --> 00:23:12,820
If you'd let me...
405
00:23:12,860 --> 00:23:14,180
Yes, of course I'll let you,
406
00:23:14,220 --> 00:23:16,660
once we've got all the legal bits
in place.
407
00:23:17,660 --> 00:23:20,339
Delphine...! That's better, but you
don't have to shout -
408
00:23:20,340 --> 00:23:21,459
I'm not deaf.
409
00:23:21,460 --> 00:23:22,899
Delphine, I will be heard.
410
00:23:22,900 --> 00:23:24,420
Oh...
411
00:23:24,460 --> 00:23:25,540
Oh, Newbold.
412
00:23:27,060 --> 00:23:30,139
Newbold, this is... this is
a revelation.
413
00:23:30,140 --> 00:23:34,540
Is it? Yes, I've always thought of
you as so timid, but now I see...
414
00:23:36,020 --> 00:23:38,340
Oh, we're the perfect match.
415
00:23:38,380 --> 00:23:41,820
Perfect match? No! No, no, no,
no...!
416
00:23:41,860 --> 00:23:43,060
I'm a pussy.
417
00:23:43,100 --> 00:23:45,900
Nonsense! You've just shown me
your steel.
418
00:23:45,940 --> 00:23:48,940
I don't want to see it too often,
mind. Don't overdo it.
419
00:23:48,980 --> 00:23:51,619
Right, now, where are you taking me?
Where am I taking you?
420
00:23:51,620 --> 00:23:54,580
Yes, to celebrate this new-found
closeness in our relationship.
421
00:23:56,100 --> 00:23:57,660
Oh...
422
00:24:02,620 --> 00:24:04,299
Oh, you've got company.
423
00:24:04,300 --> 00:24:06,660
They were just leaving.
I thought she was the one...
424
00:24:06,700 --> 00:24:09,060
Don't leave on my account,
but if you must...
425
00:24:15,380 --> 00:24:18,859
"Take Control Of You". Hmm!
426
00:24:18,860 --> 00:24:21,060
I think I might give that a try.
427
00:24:30,420 --> 00:24:31,820
Phwoar...
428
00:24:36,340 --> 00:24:37,540
Oh...
429
00:24:37,580 --> 00:24:40,500
Shush, shush, shush, shush! Quiet!
430
00:24:40,540 --> 00:24:42,780
You're supposed to be a spirit -
not clomping around
431
00:24:42,820 --> 00:24:44,820
in great big hobnail boots.
432
00:24:44,860 --> 00:24:46,260
It smells musty in here.
433
00:24:46,300 --> 00:24:49,419
Keep your voice down! Shush!
434
00:24:49,420 --> 00:24:51,300
I thought you wanted a big voice.
435
00:24:51,340 --> 00:24:56,220
Yes, I do, but only when he comes
out of the bath into his bedroom,
436
00:24:56,660 --> 00:24:59,260
which is right under here.
437
00:25:01,900 --> 00:25:03,780
Well, you sit there.
438
00:25:04,980 --> 00:25:07,540
I'll stick over here.
439
00:25:13,700 --> 00:25:16,540
This place feels like
it could be haunted.
440
00:25:16,580 --> 00:25:20,059
He'll think so in a minute,
when we give him a scare!
441
00:25:20,060 --> 00:25:22,580
You're going to be terrifying.
442
00:25:22,620 --> 00:25:26,460
I want you to sound really scary.
443
00:25:32,780 --> 00:25:35,180
If you want scary,
this is the place.
444
00:25:36,460 --> 00:25:38,380
Don't we need the torch?
445
00:25:38,420 --> 00:25:40,099
What do we need the torch for?
446
00:25:40,100 --> 00:25:41,700
You know where your bucket is.
447
00:25:41,740 --> 00:25:42,940
It's down there...
448
00:25:44,460 --> 00:25:47,260
Shush! Did you hear that?
449
00:25:48,580 --> 00:25:50,660
Something went, "Shush!"
450
00:25:52,660 --> 00:25:54,700
Yes, that was me!
451
00:25:56,020 --> 00:25:57,740
It didn't sound like you.
452
00:26:10,820 --> 00:26:13,139
There was a woman found dead
in an attic.
453
00:26:13,140 --> 00:26:16,020
Will you shut up?!
I'm trying to...!
454
00:26:16,060 --> 00:26:17,860
Will you shut up!
455
00:26:17,900 --> 00:26:19,699
You're not supposed to be
scaring me -
456
00:26:19,700 --> 00:26:21,420
you're supposed to be scaring him!
457
00:26:27,580 --> 00:26:28,620
What was that?
458
00:26:30,460 --> 00:26:32,899
It's probably just the pipes.
459
00:26:32,900 --> 00:26:35,180
Don't give me pipes.
I heard it.
460
00:26:37,180 --> 00:26:38,940
Old houses creak, don't they?
461
00:26:38,980 --> 00:26:40,580
That wasn't a creak.
462
00:26:45,540 --> 00:26:47,300
There you go - three times!
463
00:26:48,380 --> 00:26:50,100
They always do that.
464
00:26:50,140 --> 00:26:52,340
Who always does that? Spirits.
465
00:26:52,380 --> 00:26:54,300
They always knock three times.
466
00:26:54,340 --> 00:26:58,459
Me Auntie Mary, she were a medium,
she'd know that knock.
467
00:26:58,460 --> 00:27:02,740
Look, I'm not saying there is,
468
00:27:02,780 --> 00:27:05,780
but if, IF there were somebody
there...
469
00:27:07,860 --> 00:27:11,299
..what would your Auntie Mary do?
470
00:27:11,300 --> 00:27:13,699
She'd ask it a question.
471
00:27:13,700 --> 00:27:18,580
All right, just to prove there isn't
anybody there, all right?
472
00:27:21,660 --> 00:27:24,380
If there is anybody there,
473
00:27:24,420 --> 00:27:27,780
please knock three times for "yes".
474
00:27:51,500 --> 00:27:53,380
It was Arkwright.
475
00:27:53,420 --> 00:27:55,179
It had to be.
476
00:27:55,180 --> 00:27:59,020
He doesn't like that new till.
I knew he wouldn't!
477
00:28:01,260 --> 00:28:03,060
That till's going back.
478
00:28:03,100 --> 00:28:06,140
I can't have him roaming the attic.
479
00:28:11,020 --> 00:28:13,420
Gastric left in a hurry. Uh...
480
00:28:19,140 --> 00:28:22,180
Hello, Mavis. Hello, Granville.
481
00:28:22,220 --> 00:28:24,940
I gave salmon en croute the elbow.
482
00:28:24,980 --> 00:28:26,260
Do you fancy fish and chips?
483
00:28:26,300 --> 00:28:30,100
Oh, you do know
how to tempt a person!
484
00:28:30,140 --> 00:28:32,100
That's something new!
485
00:28:32,140 --> 00:28:33,619
I never did before.
486
00:28:33,620 --> 00:28:35,580
Oh...!
487
00:28:35,620 --> 00:28:40,102
Come inside. I've just got to make
a note that Gastric owes me
488
00:28:40,164 --> 00:28:41,604
for a bucket.
489
00:28:41,654 --> 00:28:46,204
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