All language subtitles for Splitting Up Together s02e10 China-Curious.eng

Previously on
"Splitting Up Together"...

Lena: I had this erotic dream
about my ex-husband

wherein he reached down
and unsnapped my bodysuit.

Are you making
a pass at me?

♪♪

[ Snaps popping ]

One snap left.

Maybe we revisit
that third snap.

♪♪

[ Inhales deeply ]

[ Door opens ]

[ Exhales deeply ]

♪♪

Mm, you gonna
pack that bodysuit?

Why do I
tell you anything?

Do you get depressed,
every other week?

When you have to leave
this really comfortable bed

and go sleep in
a dusty, old garage?

Are you kidding me?

I am not complaining.

I just got Martin back on board
with cohabiting.

I am happy as a clam.

But I do miss having
all my clothes in one place.

And the bar from that
pull-out sofa is murder.

But other than
those two things

and the fact that I saw
a scorpion in there last week,

the garage is
pretty much perfect.

Well, perfect.

I also don't love feeling
shut out of the kids' lives...

Gotcha.

So it's just
that excruciating back pain

and being shut out
of the kids' lives,

scorpions --

Maybe
I am complaining.

Sorry.

What's new with you?

Oh, thank you
for asking.

I got the results back
from my amnio and --

I also can hear
street traffic. It's a boy.

Oh, my gosh!

Oh!
-[ Chuckles ] Mm.

♪ Keep giving me hope
for a better day ♪

♪ Keep giving me love
to find a way ♪

♪ Through this heaviness
I feel ♪

♪ I just need someone to say
everything's okay ♪

♪ Everything's okay ♪

-- Captions by VITAC --

These are really good
with chocolate chips.

Mae: Oh, we should
do that next time.

'Sup, Sad Boys?

What's good
in the hood?

What's Gucci?

China made coconut fat bombs.
Want one, Lena?

Did you just
call me by my name?

They're kind, raw,
and vegan.

Oh, I didn't know
you were vegan, China.

That's so admirable.

So, to call China a "vegan"
is reductive.

Reductive?

It's fine.
It's just, you know --

I only eat what's
granted me consent.

So sometimes
I do eat animals --

But only
if they're suicidal?

The chicken
has to be like,

[voice shaking]
"I swear to God, I'll do it!"

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Um, hi --
Bae watch.

So bae. Way bae.

[ Normal voice ]
Sittin' on the dock of the bae.

I can't tell if I want her
or if I want to be her.

No, I do. I want her.
[ Laughs ]

I didn't realize
you were into girls.

China!
That is so cool.

Lena, why do you feel the need
to label everything?

It's okay.

She probably doesn't realize
that labels,

by definition,
are attached to objects.

So when you label,
you objecti--

Objectify, right!

Guess I've been
objectifying my spice rack

all these years.

Forgive me,
Cream of Tartar!

No, but seriously,

I get it.

Okay, well, if you're
desperate for a marker,

I identify as "queer."

What?!
Are you kidding me?

That's my favorite.

"L," "G," "B," "T"
are great letters.

But "Q"? Oh, my God.

"Q" is the best one.

Do you want
to go upstairs, Mae? Yeah, we can, uh,

do a two-person massage train
and call our senators.

Uh-huh.

I'll stand by "Q"!

[ To the tune
of "I'll Stand by You" ] ♪ I'll stand by "Q" ♪

♪ Won't let nobody hurt "Q" ♪

♪ I'll stand by "Q" ♪

[ Door slams in distance ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Quietly ]
♪ I'll stand by "Q" ♪

I don't know if I'm
all the way ready for you to leave yet.

Well, that's because
you're obsessed with me.

Well, that's not not true.
[ Chuckles ]

Text me the second you're home?
Duh.

Quick pic before you go.
Okay.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Geez, Dad. Lurk much?

[ Sighs ] Same here.

My parents are
full-blown stalking me.

I got to go.
Okay.

ILY.
ILY-SM.

Hey.

So, how long you guys
been official?

Uh, 3 1/2 gratifying,
joy-filled weeks.

Wow. And you're
already ILY'ing?

Uh, privately, yeah.

Bron wants to wait a few months
before we take it public

so people root for us.

♪♪

I'm worried
about you, bud.

I'm worried that you're
re-creating Hazel-gate

all over again.

Hazel and Bronwyn
are very different women. Understood.

But your game is the same.

Listen, Mace.

You're a heart-on-your-sleeve
type of guy,

and that's admirable, it is.

But this time,

I think you need to show
a little restraint.

I just can't, Dad.
I love love.

And guys like me, Arthur,
Elon Musk, Kelsey Grammer --

we can't live
without it.

I-I appreciate that, son,

but you have to leave yourself
somewhere to go.

I guess I probably shouldn't
have hid those love letters

in her PSAT-prep
materials...

[ Laughs ]
Hey, maybe they fell out.

But if not,

try to have some chill,
going forward, hmm?

A little aloof
goes a long way.

[ Cellphone vibrating ]

♪♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪♪

[ Muffled giggling ]

♪ Yeah ♪

-I can't.
-It's kind of cute.

♪♪

Knock, knock!

Lena! I thought we'd been over
the "knock-knock-enter."

I'm sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.

What are you
sorry for?

Mom, can China sleep over?
No school tomorrow.

Oh, honey.

We...

have to ask your dad
since it's almost his week.

But since you asked
during mine,

I guess I can answer.

No.

No? Why?

Because I got an e-mail
from the school

about strep throat.

It's going around.

So I think,
for health reasons,

it would be better for you girls
to sleep separately.

And also, remember
to wash your throats.

Wash our throats?

You also
may want to un-pretzel.

Um, just 'cause I'm worried
about your circulation.

It appears that your mom is
uncomfortable with intimacy.

No, no. Not uncomfortable
with intimacy.

Just a little confused.

I'm confused, too.

Because you said
that you "Stand by 'Q'."

Remember? You were --
You were singing it.

Really loudly.
While we were walking upstairs.

I did.
And I still do.

In my defense, I don't know
the verses of that song,

so it may have seemed
like more of an anthem than I intended...

-Lena.
-Mae.

♪♪

I guess I'm wondering
what the status is here.

Should I mark you two as BFFs?
Or something more?

I feel like we shouldn't have to
embrace a norm-core narrative

just to make it easier for you
to comprehend, you know?

Totally. Totally.

It's just, as a parent,
it's my job to have rules.

And the rules
may change

if there are
feelings involved.

Well, of course there are
feelings involved.

♪ I don't want to be
your friend ♪

♪ I want to kiss your lips ♪

Did we answer
all your questions?

♪ I want to kiss you ♪
If so, please leave.

♪ Until I lose my breath ♪

And close the door
on your way out.

♪ I don't want to
be your friend ♪ [ Door opens ]

♪ I want to kiss your lips ♪

♪♪

[ Whispering ] I think
Mae has a girlfriend.

Also, what are you
still doing in here?

[ Groggily ] I think
I fell asleep.

Seriously? Gay Mae?

Ooh.

This is the most interested
I've ever been in her.

Well, I'm all for it,

but it's like Spoon-Plantation
in there.

And now she wants her girlfriend
to sleep over.

I fully expect my baby
to be a QUILTBAG.

A what?
A QUILTBAG --

Queer or questioning,

undecided, intersex,

lesbian, transsexual,
bisexual,

allied/asexual,
genderqueer.

Okay, I don't know which one
of those Mae is or isn't,

but I need
to go talk to Martin.

♪♪

You know, you have
to leave at some point!

♪♪

Hey.
Martin: Hey.

I'm making dinner,
if you're interested.

"Nachos del Martino."

The secret
is the tomatillos.

[ Sniffs ]
They really level it up.

No, thanks.
Listen, Mae has China over.

Oh, that's fine.
There's plenty.

Yeah, Martin,
this isn't nacho-related.

I don't think China
should sleep over anymore.

No school tomorrow.

That's not the point.

We wouldn't let Mason have
Bronwyn sleep over, right?

Yeah, right,
but that's boy/girl.

Mason is dating Bronwyn.

Martin, what I'm trying
to tell you is --

Dad, can China
sleep over?

Wait, he's still "Dad"?

Please? Neither of us
have strep.

Both: Ahh.

All right. I --
Well, I think it's...

It's okay with me.

Thank you, Daddy.
Love you.

Cool system.

You get a no,

and then you just take it
to the higher court.

Oh, I see.

You girls don't have a problem
with male power

when it works
in your favor.

Why can't you
just back me up?

What are you
worried about?

I think that the two of them
are more than friends.

And it makes sleeping over
more complicated.

Why? They're both girls.
No one's getting pregnant.

Okay, that's not
my only concern.

Also, it's a huge
double standard.

If we won't let Mason's
girlfriend sleep over,

then the same boundaries
should apply to Mae.

Boundaries, huh?

If I recall,
someone's boundaries

got a little bit blurry
the other night...

Snaps were unsnapped.

Or don't you remember?

I remember...

a portion of the events.
[ Laughs ]

This is not about us,
Martin, all right?

This is a big deal.

And I know I'm supposed to just
disappear into the garage

and let you tell me
all about it later, but...

no, I don't want to do that.

Not this week.

Okay.

So what are you
proposing exactly?

I want to stay
in the house.

And I want to navigate
this whole thing together,

for better or worse.

That's called marriage.

You just
proposed marriage.

No --
Just admit it.

Don't hide behind
the kids.

You made
a huge mistake.

You want me back.
Bad.

You are delusional.
Am I?

You need to be more honest
about your feelings, Lena.

And if you are
gonna propose,

I'm gonna need you
to get down on one knee.

I did it for you.

You make your jokes,
fine, yeah.

And then when this whole
Hormonal Chernobyl

blows up in your face,
don't come crying to me.

Hormonal Chernobyl?

That is some
highly adept wordplay.

I got to clap you out
for that one.

Whoo!

[ Mimics cheers ]

[ Door closes ]

[ Whistles ]

♪♪

♪ Baby, don't make me
spell it out for you ♪

China: You have a psychotic
amount of nail polish.

I feel like if we acknowledge
self-care as a privilege,

then maybe it's okay?
[ Chuckles ]

These pedicures
are a response

to our institutional
lack of empathy.

And your mother.

Either of you
got a hot plate?

Milo, get out.

Okay, okay.

It's almost impressive
how little your family

respects the contract
of a closed door.

I'm getting
a dead bolt.

I'm telling you, man.
The tides are turning.

The second they sense
you're not interested,

they just start
throwing themselves at you.

Hell-o! Sex with the ex
who wears specs?

No, no, no.
No sex. No specs.

But the other night,

she put on
her bad-girl overalls.

You know the ones where
you can almost see something...

Osh Kosh M'Gosh!
[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] Lena tried
to seduce me.

And then tonight,
she tells me

that she wants to move
into the house together

to deal with some
"parenting issues."

What parenting issues?

[ Doorbell ringing ]

Bronwyn.
Everything okay?

No. Everything
not okay.

Mason wasn't
returning my texts,

so I took a screenshot
of my texts,

three dots
and then nothing.

What can I tell you?
He's a hard man to pin down.

He's like the wind...

Mason?
The middle boy?

Mm-hmm.

♪♪

You see that?
What'd I say?

I told Mason to gently apply
the cold shoulder,

and here she is.

Moth to flame.

It's more like moth to
your teenage son's bedroom.

Is that even allowed?

[ Chuckles ] Mason won't even
get undressed in front of me.

He showers
in board shorts.

He shares a room
with his little brother.

I think we're safe.

You know what?

I used to be a shy guy.

I shared a room
with my grandparents,

"Willy Wonka" style.

And let me just say,
I made it work.

What are you
doing down here, huh?

You're supposed to be
upstairs protecting your brother's virginity.

I mean, do you want
to break up?

Like, if so,
just say it. No.

That's the very last thing
on Earth I want.

It's just, my dad thought

that if I didn't have
more chill,

I would scare you off.

If I wanted chill,
I'd be dating Jake Tapper.

But you? You're ardent
and unbolted.

It's why ILY.

You are seriously
gonna slay the PSATs.

And I'd marry you
right now

if it were legal.

I'd marry you, too.

I was saving myself,

but since we're
theoretically engaged...

Okay, let's get some fresh air
in here, shall we?

Bronwyn, loving your level
of investment here,

but you need to harness
all that energy into leaving.

Hit the bricks, kid.
Yeah.

So, my girlfriend
has to leave

while Mae is on
a field trip to China?

It's not
the same thing, Mason. I know!

Because Bronwyn and I
don't take baths together.

♪♪

You got to bounce, China.
That's it.

Towel off and go home.
What's wrong with you?

I want every door
on this floor open.

I want all of you
to towel off.

I'm not "toweling off"
with the door open.

And I'm completely dry.

Towel off!
All of you!

You towel off!

Your macho '90s advice

almost ruined my relationship
with Bronwyn.

Okay, slow down.

There's no need
to take this out on the '90s.

She doesn't like
mind games, Dad.

You and I?
We are due for "the talk."

And what about me?

Exactly.

That's what
we want to know.

Hey, no, no, no, no.
D-Don't close it.

Don't close it.
Don't close it!

Mason. Mason. Mason!

♪♪

You were right.
It's crazy up there.

There were closed doors,
there were locked lips,

and kids in kimonos,
and Milo is...

Do you have Milo?

Oh, you know what?
I think I saw him earlier.

Never mind.
Lena: I told you.

They're really
teenagers now, Martin.

It's scary.

I know, but I thought
we were gonna side-step

all this stuff.
Me, too.

I thought it was gonna be
all, you know,

fan-fic and Reddit threads
until college.

But we're here.
Oh, we're here.

And if we're too strict,
they'll rebel. Yeah, and if we're too loose,

they're gonna group bathe and
start trash-talking the '90s.

I'm still so steamed.

I'd always had such confidence
in our parenting skills --

well, mine.

But now according to Mae,

I am labeling, objectifying,
and afraid of intimacy.

Look, I don't want to go
back up there alone, okay?

♪♪

Will you take my hand

in parenting
our horny children?

♪♪

I will.

♪♪

Mason: I'd feel a little
more comfortable

talking privately

with Mom.

And I'm not loving
either of my options,

but I prefer Dad.

No. Well, th-that's not
how we're doing this.

You both
have us both.

From now on, you're not going
to get different answers

on Mom Week
or Dad Week.

We are going to have
house rules.

And we're sticking
to them.

No more playing both sides
against the middle.

That said, we are very
interested in hearing

what is working
and not working for you. Yes.

Okay, the floor
is now open.

I am sick of sharing
a room with Milo.

I want privacy
like Mae has.

Me? I don't have privacy.
I want a lock on my door.

I want a new mattress
in the garage.

Please. I can't sleep
on the sofa bed anymore.

Well, I want you
to try my nachos

the next time I make them.

They're really good.

And I think
you'd be impressed.

♪♪

Well, I think
this is all doable.

Especially
the nachos thing.

Were you being serious?
Yes, I was.

Look, you guys are clearly
at the age

where you need
your privacy,

and we want you
to have to have it.

Because we trust you.

So, on Mom
and Dad Weeks,

your doors
can be closed.

As long as the communication
is open.

And Bronwyn's parents
are okay with it.

And what about China?
Can she still sleep over?

Unless she's your girlfriend,
and then she cannot.

But we trust that
you will let us know

when or if
that "label" applies.

♪♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Nope.
What about my lock?

Both: No locks.

What about Milo?

Oh, uh, your mom and I
talked about this.

We're getting
rid of him.

[ Laughter ]

Seriously though,
where is Milo?

I --

Milo?

Milo?

♪♪

Milo?
Are you in here?

♪♪

Oh, hello.

Welcome to Milo Town.
Population one.

We have
universal healthcare,

free speech,
and no education.

Pork and beans,
anyone?

Um...

Yeah,
I'll do a cup.

Milo,
what is all this?

Since everybody kept telling me
to get out of their rooms,

I decided to strike out
on my own.

Well, this is
wildly impressive.

And these beans are...

better than
they should be.

Uh, but your mom
and I were thinking

that the laundry room
holds a lot of potential

for a young developer
like yourself.

Let me take that
to the Mayor.

[ Whispering indistinctly ]

He's on board!

Great.

Okay, let's go,
Buttercup.

♪♪

[ Two knocks on door ]

Hey.
Whoa!

They weren't kidding about
that knock-knock-enter thing.

You can't wait
for a "come in"?

Sorry.

♪♪

[ Sweetly ]
Come in.

Ha, ha.
[ Laughs ]

I could've grown old
and died out there

waiting for that
"come in."

What's up?

I'm proud of us.

Yeah.

What we did tonight,
that felt right.

Safety in numbers,
I guess.

I think
it's more than that.

We're a good team.

We are.

Yeah.

♪♪

Can I ask you
a question?

Do you think
I'm afraid of intimacy?

♪♪

Well, there's only one way
to know for sure...

Stop it.

To be clear,

I'm not suggesting
we sleep together.

I'm suggesting
we sleep together.

You're suggesting
slumber.

Correct.

And I know how much you've been
nursing that heating pad,

so come on.

♪♪

[ Both moan ]

[ Both chuckle ]

[ Sighs ]

This is intimate.

Mm.

'Night.
'Night.

♪♪

[ Stomach gurgling ]

Um...

You know what?

I shouldn't have eaten
those bathroom beans.

It's a big mistake.

The bed is all yours.
I'm gonna sleep in the garage.

Wh-- There's, uh, ginger ale
in the mini-fridge.

Take tiny sips!

Oh.

[ Sighs ]

Feel better.

[ Exhales sharply ]
Well, old boy. Take it sleazy.

Quit being weird.

I think
I got everything.

Although, I was unable
to locate my booger box.

Yeah, it is
what it sounds like.

Basically just an old shoe box
full of my boogers.

Anyway, if you find it,
it's yours.

Thanks.

Oh, speaking of boxes,

I figured out a joint-custody
arrangement for our Xbox.

So every other week,
we switch off.

The Xbox goes between
my room and your room.

And that way, even though
we don't live together,

we can still get quality time
with our console.

And on
your off weeks,

you're still free
to play whatever you want.

Works for
Mom and Dad.

♪♪

Yeah, you're right.
It's a stupid idea.

I have a girlfriend now.
You can just have it.

Yes!

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