All language subtitles for Speechless s03e12 O-- OUR M-A-G--MAGEDDON.eng

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Clinking on teacup ]

Attention, ladies and ladies.

Welcome to the 34th annual
Lafayette Mother-Daughter Tea.

[ Clears throat ]
35th, isn't it?

I run the school, Mother.

[ Breathes deeply ]
Professor Miller.

Oh, put it away.

35th and final.

Drink up.

Maya: Oh,
this is so delightful.

So many strong,
beautiful women,

all calling each other
the B-word.

You will know when
I'm mad at you.

This is a normal skirt.

Well, your grandmother
is a liar.

I just love that we have
a perfect relationship

and that Jimmy is gonna
bail us out soon

with a pretend JJ
emergency.

Shoulders back.
You can do it. Come on. Mother, stop it.

Care to visit
the photo booth, Mother?

We are so connected.

[ Chuckles ]

Have we ever fought?

Well,
I think I'd remember.

I mean, you and me --

it would be total
Armageddon.

Right. [ Chuckles ]

You're lucky you have
such a cool daughter.

Well, you're cool
'cause I'm cool.

What does that mean?

Just that you're
a mini-Maya.

We get along because you're me,
and I love me.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Jimmy: Maya!

Where are you?
[ Panting ] It's JJ!

I left him alone in a hot-air
balloon for one second,

and now he's gone!

Come on!
Not again.

**

-- Captions by VITAC --

**

[ Dramatic music plays ]

So, what do we do?

**

[ Applause ]
Mr. Powers: Wow.

"What will they do?" indeed.

I know what we'll do.

A Q&A...

with the creators
of "Late August Rain."

Let's give it up for them
and also my segue!

[ Applause ]
Yeah.

First question
is for our director.

You capture your lead, Izzy,

with such love

in long, lingering shots.

Tell me, what drove
that decision?

"I didn't linger --"

Sorry. Can we pull up
the lingering shots?

[ Students murmuring ]

[ Chuckling ]
I mean, come on.

I also have a question.

Were you planning on
swooping in to date Izzy,

even though we cast her
so that I could date her?

Oh, and a follow-up --

Won't I think you're a creep
when I find that out?

Look how long the creep
lingers in this shot.

"I'm not a creep.

I don't like her."
Really?

You can't lie to a Minotaur.

All:
You can't lie to a Minotaur.

You can't lie to a Minotaur.

[ Echoing ]
You can't lie to a Minotaur.

You can't lie to a Minotaur.
[ School bell ringing ]

You can't lie to a Minotaur.

[ Ringing continues ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Awesome movie, JJ.

Uh, wait.

Is that a weird thing
to say

when I'm in the movie?

[ Laughs ]

So, when are we talking
about that sequel?

"What are you doing now?"

Nothing.

Oh, then you're free
for coffee.

Sure. Um...

Talk later, JJ?

**

Okay.

Nice work getting her
to admit she was free.

**

Dylan: Hey, Ray?
Aah!

How long have you
been down there?

To answer
the question

behind your question,

I heard you fart.

Let's move past it.

How would you describe me?

That's a tough question.

You're a complex person
with dozens of --

Am I a mini-Maya?

Oh, yeah, that nails it.

What?!

It's not a bad thing.

We all have our dynamics
with Mom.

JJ can do no wrong.

Mom and I have
our Sam and Diane

"will they or won't they"
thing,

and you and Mom are two peas
in an angry pod.

I don't want that.

I'm my own pea.

It's just your dynamic.

And if I were you,
I wouldn't mess with it.

[ Breathes deeply ]
Oh, no.

Now I know you're gonna
mess with the dynamic,

because that's
what Mom would do.

No, I'm gonna
mess with the dynamic

because that's what
Dylan would do!

[ Book thumps ]

**

"What do you do when
you have a forbidden crush?"

[ Gasps ] Wait.
Dude, you have a crush?

On who? Spell faster!

"Forbidden crush.

I don't want the others
to know."

Who has
a forbidden crush?

JJ.

JJ what?

Has a forbidden crush.

A forbidden crush,
you say?

JJ has one.
On who?

Well, he hasn't said.
Ray: Who hasn't said?

JJ hasn't said
his forbidden crush.

Ah, it's like we're
on "The West Wing."

**

"I like a girl,

but a guy I'm close to
liked her first."

Uch, is this like
a "bro code" thing?

As a man who's been
unlucky with love,

I've developed an approach
I like to call "Mean Don Juan."

Anything goes.

In the game of love,
there are no friends,

only winners,

whose hearts
doth intertwine.

Weird energy to
this whole speech.

Kenneth: "You know what?

I didn't want this
to be a whole thing.

I'm good."

[ Motor whirring ]

He's good? Who's good?

**

Damn it, we lost it.

Wait. Uh, Melanie's busy
tomorrow night.

Wanna go out?

Yeah. We always talk
about a "guy-hang,"

and things always
fall through. [ Chuckles ] Hey.

We're two busy fellas.
Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

So, I thought that we could
check out the turtle races

at McSmerling's Pub.

I'm in, baby!

You heard of that?

No, but I'm a dad.

I will go anywhere.

I didn't even hear what
you just invited me to.

**

Last word on it --

do what you need to do
to be with this girl.

Who cares about
the other, loser guy?

-Crush him.
-[ Sighs ]

"The girl I like is...Izzy."

Oh.

Oh.

Okay, well, she's setting up
for the Valentine's Day dance.

I was gonna go help
and make a move.

You should go.

"What about Mean Don Juan?"

I'm not gonna fight you.
You're my brother.

"You sued me
for taking your phone."

I sat down with a lawyer
to discuss my options!

"Why won't you
compete with me?"

There's no one reason.

It's because he's
in a wheelchair.

Is he?
But he talks, right?

I can't get in the way
of JJ and a girl.

I fall in love
five times a day.

I just noticed that curvy lamp
for the first time.

I love her.

Look, I'm sure
this all goes away

unless you made
a big deal

about being a Mean Don Juan

in a competitive
love situation.

I can't tell if you're being
sarcastic, but I did do that.

Now I can't back down,
and I'm gonna break his heart.

Where did you buy
that lamp?!

Okay, Ray, I'm gonna put this
as gently as possible.

You're worried that you're
going to get the girl?

Yeah.
And would you say,

historically --
no judgment --

that winning the girl
is something you, Ray,

cannot avoid?
You're right.

If I just do what I normally do,
no way things work out.

Thanks, Dad.

Guess I'm off to, uh, be me.

Okay.

There we go.

[ Chuckling ] Hey, Kenneth.
I'm on my way out the door.

Dude, you're gonna hate me,
but Melanie's schedule freed up,

and she wants to come
to the turtle races tonight.

Mind if I take
a rain check?

I know your heart
was set on this.

No, no, it wasn't.
That's -- That's fine.

You two have fun. Uh...

[ Chuckling ] Oh, no. That's not
what you're gonna hate.

See, Joyce told me
about this place.

She's here all the time.

Now, I can't have her here,

coming and causing
a scene with Melanie.

You think you can stall her
for a few hours?

You want me to hang out
with Joyce?

Oh.

I have to keep
my marble collection with me,

or my roommate
will steal it.

No. Take Melanie
someplace else.

Thanks a lot, buddy.
[ Cellphone beeps ]

Hey --

Okay. Well, I will see
you all next week.

Yeah, let me get
that door for you.

Oh.

[ Door creaks open ]

Ow! My back!

Hey, could you take
a look at this?

[ Sighs ] Do I ask you to make
me shoes on a Sunday?

Do you think
I'm a cobbler?

[ Sighs ]
My gift, my curse.

Have you seen this?
[ Door creaks shut ]

The school is considering
a ban on straws

based on some
environmental measure.

I mean, JJ can't drink
without a straw.

This is war.
Ray, think of puns

based on the word "suck."

Dylan, top them.

I can't, because I am
for the straw ban.

No, you're not.
Oh, yes, I am.

They make some good points.

Name one.
Make me.

Dad, what's happening?

I don't know, son.
No eye contact.

Don't take the
"teenage daughter" tone with me.

What's the matter?

Are you afraid of
a little Mageddon?

What?
Our Mageddon.

The one you talked about
if we ever fought?

'Cause, lady,
this ain't just my Mageddon.

What does she think
a "Mageddon" is?

This would be an attack on
our family, Dylan.

Say you won't support it.

[ Keys clacking ]

I just signed
the online petition.

Then you are grounded
for a thousand years.

We have grounding power?

[ Bones crack ]
Ugggghhhhh!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

**

"Your turn, Mean Don Juan.

Do your worst."

Oh, I plan to.

[ Conversations continue ]

Izzy.

'Sup, guuuuuurl?

Ray,
I'm glad you're here.

There are less people
than expected.

Ah, ah, ah.
Fewer people, mon cheri.

Thank you for correcting
my grammar.

That was helpful.

Do you want to give me
a hand with this?

Uh, first, do you want
to hear my take

on what modern feminism
gets wrong?

That could be interesting.

I'll go grab some drinks.

[ Conversations continue ]

**

What is happening?

[ Bones cracking ]
Ahh!

Ahh.

This ends now!

You are grounded
until you take your name off

that straw ban!

You can't ground what
you can't catch!

Aha!

That was a practice "aha!"

Dylan!
Maybe we should go.

Is car physical therapy
a thing?

-It is for twice my rate.
-Sold.

You do not leave
this house.

Dylan: [ Echoing ]
I am this house. [ Wood creaking ]

She's in the walls.

She's in the walls.

I'm gonna go and get
a sledgehammer.

Okay, well, good luck, guys.
Love you.

[ Creaking continues ]

[ Breathes sharply ]

Shh.

She's fun.

So, I just decided --

I'm a weird kisser,
and I'm never going to change.

Amazing, right? No bicep.

The doctors don't know
how I bend it.

Your jeans don't fit.

Okay, that's it.
Thank you.

I've tried to be nice
because JJ kept going on

about how amazing you are and
how we'd be great together,

but I don't see it
at all.

JJ was talking me up?

Why?
If you find out, tell me.

Wait -- actually,
have someone else tell me.

**

[ Engine revs ]

Joyce,
how do I put this...

How can I afford
an Aston Martin? Yeah.

A client gave it
to me as a tip.

The feds keep trying to
take it, but I'm like,

"Hey, I'm not in
the Hungarian Mafia."

[ Cellphone ringing ]
* It's too exciting

Oh, Kenneth?
I got to prank him.

Hey, that's my --
[ Cellphone beeps ]

[ Imitating Jimmy badly ]
Hey, K-Dawg, what's up?

I do not sound like that.

Jimmy, thank God
I caught you.

Hey, Kenneth,
don't say anything.

Melanie can't make it
for two more hours.

Can you keep stalling Joyce?

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Oh.

Yeah, I'll do my best,

but, boy,
if she ever figures this out,

there is no place on earth
you can hide.

[ Laughs ]

You got that right, Jimbo.
[ Laughs ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]

I'm grounded when
I say I'm grounded.

[ Door rattles ]

Predictable.

I drilled it shut.

I thought you might.

[ Clicking ]

And I thought you might
have thought I might.

Drop the straw ban, Dylan.

You can't win because
you and I share a mind.

If I want to know
what you'll do,

I just think
what would I do.

Lucky guess.
Lucky guess.

You talked me up to Izzy?

Why would you want someone
you like to go out with me?

Right?

You've made your opinion
on me quite clear.

Now, good day, Madison.

So?

"I'd rather she choose you
than turn me down."

You're afraid of
a little rejection?

[ Scoffs ]

I've been rejected by
every girl in this room.

"That's different.

You get rejected because
of your bad, weird choices."

Big true, big true.

"I will get rejected for
the same reason I always do,

and she won't even say it.

She'll make up
some dumb excuse.

It's worse than the no."

Maybe Izzy's different.

Try.

I am so, so sorry.

It's not you.

I'm mad he put you
in this position.

We are just a couple
of booty calls.

I-I don't want to
disagree with you

because
you're terrifying... Mm-hmm.

...but I am not
Kenneth's booty call.

Does he ever take you out
into public?

No. We make plans.

We're just
two busy fellas.

Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Which of these "two busy fellas"
cancels the plans?

Uh, well, one time,
Kenneth was sick.

One time, Kenneth had to take
his aunt to the airport.

Uh, one time, Kenneth said
he was stuck in an elevator,

but then I saw someone
who looked exactly like him

on one of those
eight-person bicycles.

So, really, "two busy fellas"
is just one busy fella and...

I'm Kenneth's booty call.

Oh, JJ.

Look, I tried, but I told Ray
it isn't going to work.

Is he okay?

"He's fine.

Rejection rolls off him."

No, I mean in
the larger sense.

Is he okay?

[ Chuckles ]

Um, while
I've got you here,

can you tell me if you
think something's romantic?

**

"Isn't this just
the Halloween maze?"

You could still tell, huh?

I blew most of the decorations
in one spot.

At least you can't tell
it's an axe murderer anymore.

**

"Look, Izzy.

About before...

I was afraid,
so I pushed you toward Ray.

But I like you.

I think you might like me."

"Would you go out with me?"

You're really nice, JJ.

It's just...

I have this boyfriend
from out of town, and...

"It's okay, really."

Okay.

Uh, thanks, JJ.

**

[ Sighs ]

**

This is a really good maze.

[ Insects chirping ]

Looking to ruin these?

Fire extinguisher's
also empty. [ Fire extinguisher rattling ]

[ Fire extinguisher clatters ]
Fine. You know me.

But that doesn't
make me you.

You don't even know
how lucky you have it.

I don't complain
about anything.

My phone is your piece of crap
from 10 years ago.

What the heck is AT&B?

Plus, I have to share
a room with JJ and Ray.

Every night,
it's disgusting. Well, I don't want

Ray tries on all of his outfits
for the next day

and makes us watch
him walk in them.

I'm not listening,
I'm not listening. Why do I even bother?

-I'm out of here.
-Okay.

Well, you can't escape,

'cause wherever you go,

you'll be me,
and I'll be there.

Not without a car,
you won't.

**

What? Where are you going?

Wait, you can't --
No, come back!

[ Car engine starts ]

Smell ya later.

[ Tires screech ]

[ Crashing ]

[ Cheering ]
Come on, come on! Go!

Yeah! [ Laughs ]

Yes! Aghhh!

Joyce.
It's so good to see you.

Kenneth Clements,
you never even told me goodbye.

You didn't have
the guts to do it.

And for that, I will announce
to this crowded bar

your Social Security number.

0-9-6...

Ah, bup, bup, bup, bup, shh,
shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

I'm sorry, Joyce.

You deserved a goodbye.

What we had was special.

It burned brightly,

and now it is a memory,
one that I'll cherish.

Goodbye, Joyce.

Oh, Kenneth...

You know what apologies
do to my body. Yeah.

But I understand.

Farewell, Kenneth.

[ Both chuckling ]

That's it?!

I didn't cower in
the parking lot

and sneak in behind you
to see that.

Apologize to her!

You played with her heart,
and you toyed with her feelings.

No, I just wanted
the goodbye.

It wasn't really
a "feelings" thing.

Yeah. She made it
really clear about that.

[ Chuckling ] Right?
Yes, I did. [ Chuckles ]

But did he play with your heart
and toy with your feelings?

Pfft, no.

Please.
Jimmy, you care.

[ Scoffs ]

I think you boys have
some things to talk about,

so I'll leave you to it.

Oh, Joyce, how do you know
my Social Security number?

Goodbye, Kenneth.

Maya: Well, here's another
difference between us.

I've never driven the van
through a garage.

This garage.
What did I do?

This is what I get for
asking for what I want.

Why can't you ask me
for what you want?

Look what happened!

No, I should just keep
my head down and be quiet.

I'll go figure out how to take
my name off the straw petition.

Ugh, this is all my Mageddon.

This is how we avoid
a love triangle next time.

I keep records of
every girl from school

who's ever rejected me.

Likes, dislikes,
allergies...

Go nuts.

Oh, except for
with Alisha B.

Big peanut allergy.

[ Sighs ]
I'm sorry she said no

and that she wasn't straight
with you about why.

And I'm really sorry I wasn't
straight with you either.

I didn't want to
compete with you

but was too chicken
to tell you why.

"Call it even if you find a hot
girl to be straight with me."

Yeah.

Me, I like to see
what they come up with.

This girl told me that if she
didn't date until she was 30,

a witch would give her
her parents back.

Creative, right?

[ Cheering ]

Yeah, which one's ours?

I have no idea!

Go!

Uh, when's Melanie
getting here?

I canceled on Melanie.

I thought I was just a guy
who took care of your kid,

but now that we're friends,

there's gonna be
a lot more of that.

Sounds nice, Kenneth.

My improv group meets
tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.

You can bring a friend.
I will.

Uh, jazz brunch
after that.

[ Chuckles ] I've been
drinking a lot here.

I think my friend's gonna
have to drive me home.

Huh.

Do I want to be
your friend?

[ Chuckling ]
I dunno know, man.

I ask a lot.

[ Chuckles ]
You'll see.

Whoo!

Oh, hey, JJ.

And Ray.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry
for being weird yesterday

and for misreading
your signals.

I just hope we can
still be friends."

Of course we can, JJ.

Um...Ray,
can you give us a minute?

Hey. I'll give you two.

No charge.

Okay, bye.

You didn't misread
any signals.

I do like you.

It's just...

Your disability
kind of freaks me out.

"Did Ray tell you
to say that?"

What? No. No, no, no, no.

I mean, I could see why
you'd think that,

because it's weird
and it's wrong and...

[ Sighs ]

"It's perfect. Keep going."

I don't know what
dating you looks like.

With the chair
and the board and...

Will you be offended
if I accidentally take you

to an inaccessible place?

And what if we break up?

Am I the jerk who dumped
a guy in a wheelchair?

And will your brother
always be around?

Sorry, again.

"We can take it
one date at a time,

and we'll put
a bell on Ray."

[ Chuckles ]

In that case...yes.

I would love to go on
a date with you.

Yes!

What? I love love.

Dylan.
I have something for you.

This is long overdue.

This looks like
an even older phone.

Here.

[ Door creaks ]

Press it.

[ Door creaking, rattling ]

It's your own room.

Well, half a room.

Seriously?

Yeah. The insurance company
gave us a new door,

but they didn't say
where we had to put it.

[ Sighs ]

I've never looked up
at a ceiling before.

Just Ray's butt
through a mattress.

I think I prefer this.

Listen, darling.

I'm sorry that you felt
you had to be like me

in order to be loved by me.

You know, I only pushed back
because I didn't want

to let go of
what we have.

Fight again soon?

It would be my pleasure.

Good.

Now get out of my room.

[ Door creaking, rattling ]
Oh!

Just trying it out.

Teenage girls.
We're ridiculous.

Oh! Bye, then.

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