Original subtitles

Sha-ha, dah.

Broosk-da-da-da-boom.

Shadeet-hamah.

Brooks-dask-dask-da-boom.

Milo-tamale-shakinee.

You are a winner.

You soar with the eagles.

No.

The eagles soar with you.

Shit.

I'm gonna be late for work again.

I know I shouldn't have stayed over on a work night.

Did you hear me, babe?

I'm gonna be late for work again.

Bye jellybear.

You are destined for greatness.

You are a caterpillar waiting to transform

into a magnificent butterfly.

He's so cute when he's sleeping.

I'm gonna go start the coffee. Okay.

Your life has meaning.

You are a king among ordinary men.

A king with a huge penis.

A glorious penis.

A penis that should be praised and worshiped.

Suagar-booger.

My little astronaut.

It's time to get up sleepy head.

You can achieve anything you set you mind to.

Other men cower in your greatness.

Come on, Matty, breakfast is almost ready.

If you were an animal,

you would be a dinosaur.

Matt, Honey, it's time to wake up.

Whoa!

Thanks, Shaniqua.

I'm not even hungry.

Every fucking morning.

Come on.

Oh, shit, holy chode balls.

So sorry, Alexander, he's gonna be a few more minutes.

It's all right, Miss Gaye.

There he is.

Give your mom a kiss goodbye.

Have a good day.

Have a great day, sugar-booger.

It's Matt to you, Shaniqua.

You wanna just let me borrow your car

so you can stay here and bang my mom?

Do you know if your mom is working tonight, sugar booger?

Fuck off.

I was watching Terminator the other night, right.

And not that new garbage.

I'm talking about that classic shit.

It got me thinking.

What if I time travel back in time as my 28-year-old self,

and I found my 10-year-old self

and I fucking jerked him off.

Would that be molestation or masturbation?

I don't got time for your nonsense.

I'm too busy being employee of the month.

Hey you two. Quit giving each other FJs

and get back to work.

Idiots.

Bro, bro, it's Jenna

♪ One hundid every time you go away ♪

♪ One hundid go on and say my name ♪

♪ One hundid if we gonna make it last ♪

♪ All I ever ask ♪

Here's your chance, man, go talk to her.

I can't just go talk to her.

This is a workplace.

Who cares?

I'm so tired of listening to you cry about

not having a girl to cuddle with.

Who cares?

Uh, how about title seven of the Civil Rights Act.

Uh, how do you know that?

Are you fucking kidding me?

It's in the break room.

And you know what happens to people

accused of sexual harassment?

What, they hold a parade for them?

Termination.

Dude, they're not gonna fire you for talking to her.

Just go over there before she leaves.

Stop being a little bitch.

I'll buy you a beer after work.

Make it two?

Fine, just go.

Dick.

Nice files you got there.

Do you work here?

Seriously?

I've worked here longer than you.

Oh, so you're in like shipping and receiving?

What?

No, I work right here in this office.

I was sitting at my desk when you walked in.

You didn't see me? Really?

Yeah, I didn't see you.

You didn't see me?

I was like two inches away from you.

And how do you not know I work here?

I see you every single day.

Wait, so you've been watching me?

Like some kind of perverted stalker.

You know that's sexual harassment?

Sexual harassment?

For seeing you come in?

Maybe you should take yourself on down to the break room

and get a refresher course

because that's not sexual harassment.

Hmm.

What's up, Jenna?

Oh, hey, Matt. Seriously?

We actually have to go, I'm sorry.

Alex is having a family emergency.

How the hell does Jenna know who you are and not me?

I don't know.

Maybe because I'm not a perverted stalker.

Well if it isn't the two biggest vaginas in the office.

I knew I'd find you two in here circle jerking each other.

So we have vaginas,

or we're jerking each other's dicks off?

I'm confused.

Both.

You fucking gender ninjas.

You know what, fuck you, I got shit to do.

What the hell, man?

You gonna do something about it, pussy?

That's what I thought.

Oh, you got to be fist fucking me, man.

What now?

Oh nothing, I'm just having PTSD flashbacks, you know,

remembering that time you were

talking to Jenna at the office.

Made yourself look like a dumb idiot.

Remember that? Fuck off.

I don't understand how you're so horrible

at talking to women.

It's like watching one of those shitty Novelas.

All Novelas are shitty,

and you wouldn't have done any better.

Fucking right I would have.

Compared to you I'm like Zac Efron's cock.

Yeah, whatever.

If you're so smooth, let's see you do better.

Challenge accepted ese.

Can I get you guys a refill?

Actually, I was wondering if you might possibly know

the difference between me and my couch?

One's more fun to sit on than the other.

Sort of.

The real difference between me and my couch

is my couch pulls out.

So can I get you guys another drink?

Six shots of vodka de nada.

Nice.

A dirty joke and a drink order.

You're a real lady's man.

I'm sorry I doubted you.

Your moms would be so proud.

Just wait for it, wait for it.

Ah, snap.

Told you.

You probably know her.

Ah, come on, I wasn't even ready dude.

I don't care.

Six more shots.

Gross, I think you got some on me.

You know, I can't even wrap my brain around

the fact that you are so horrible at talking to chicks.

Look at you, you're like an Abercrombie model over here.

You should be banging bitches every single day

and every single night and afternoon.

Well it's not easy for me to talk to women

like it is for you.

I'm not surrounded by a hot girlfriend

and hot stripper moms 24/7

who wipe the tip of my penis every time I take a piss.

Fuck you dude.

I told you a million times, my mom is not a stripper,

she's an exotic dancer and a saint.

And I don't even want to hear this shit, man.

Look at you.

I would give both nuts and the sack to have your life.

You can run a billion miles,

you get to wear all this stylish clothes, and most of all,

you're not smothered like I am.

Well, I'd do the same to have your life.

You have a girlfriend and a mom, two moms,

that love you, you're never lonely

and you get to eat whatever you want.

That there is a bum with his hand on his hobo balls.

Day-bu gah-boos-uhn day-boos-uhn-go.

Bay-tah.

Queta-su-noba day-boos-uhn-dah.

God damn it.

What the fuck?

Dude I'm gonna get AIDS!

Whoa.

Somebody's up early this morning.

I slept here last night?

I don't remember coming over.

It sounds like you had too much to drink last night.

Where's, where's Matt?

Is he down stairs?

What the fuck.

I'm Matt?

Hey, Ms. Gaye, who do you think I am?

You're so funny Matty.

Are you okay?

What the fuck?

Oh, shit, I really am Matt.

Alex.

Alex.

Did you see where I put my phone?

I need to call my mom.

She's probably worried about me.

Alex.

Yo, I need to let her know I spent the night at your house.

The fuck?

Am I high right now?

I don't remember doing any drugs last night.

Ah.

What?

Nice bike, fat ass.

I'm surprised your tires haven't exploded.

Good one, Vir-Gina.

We have the same bike dumb-ass.

It's Virgil, asshole and I don't have that faggy basket.

Why don't you take your bitch ass back home

before I shit on Matt's porch again,

blame you and watch your whore of a mom whoop your ass.

No, I won't put my hands down your pants

and play with your tiny dick.

Leave me alone, Jared from Subway.

Hey man, you get away from that kid.

Tiny dick.

Oh shit.

I fucking knew it, dude, get out of my way.

What the hell is going on, dude?

Why am I in your Ethiopian body?

I don't know, why don't you tell me?

I just rode here on your mom's gay ass bike

in this fat ass Jabba the Hutt body you have.

Have you ever done a day of cardio

in your entire fucking life?

I find it and honor to resemble Jabba Desilijic Tiure.

One of the most notorious crime lords in the galaxy.

The hell are you talking about?

Jabba Desilijic Tiure aka Jabba the Hutt

or the Bloated one.

Seriously?

First introduced in 1983 with the third installment

of the original Star Wars trilogy, Return of the Jedi.

No?

Got the little Ewoks,

they look like little George Lucas's.

I swear, sometimes you're the smartest

mentally handicap person that I know.

Is there a god damn reason why my AC's not on right now?

My balls are sweaty and they're like sticking to my ankles.

What are you talking about?

It's freezing in here.

Your nipples are fucking hard as fuck right now.

Yeah.

So what are we gonna do?

You figure out what switched us yet?

I'm thinking.

Well think faster you're the smart one.

Will you shut the hell up?

I'm trying to concentrate.

Jesus.

Okay.

So we went to work.

We stopped by the bar afterward.

You puked like a little bitch.

Obviously the bum.

The one that slapped us.

It had to be him.

Oh yeah, right.

That mother fucker.

Well let's go find him and make him switch us back.

Come on.

Skedaddle.

Oh, come on!

Dude, we crashed.

What the fuck?

Did you hit someone?

Dude, pay attention.

I'm not gonna be the only one looking for this guy, okay.

Oh shit, Kratos.

You know that guy?

Ah, yeah, he's my dealer.

I told you about him before.

No.

Come on.

He probably knows that fuck that slapped us.

What the fuck's is this guy's problem?

Just pretend like you're me.

Kratos, it's me Matt.

I buy pot from you homebroski.

Calm down.

This is my friend Ma...

This is my friend Alex.

I know who you are.

You think you could steal Matt's face

and then come up on my corner and deal drugs?

What?

I knew about your machine.

Takes someone's face and then puts on someone else's.

We didn't steal anybody's face.

We just came here to ask you a question

about one of your friends.

How do you know about my friends?

I don't got any bum friends.

Now get out of here.

This is my empire.

You can't have it.

Kratos, look into my eyes, man.

It's me Matt.

My buddy Alex and I were here last night

when some bum who walks around with his hands down his pants

caressing his nuts, slapped both of us in the face.

And by some weird voodoo or magic or some shit,

we switched bodies.

He's me and I'm him.

And we just want to switch and get our own bodies back.

Now can you help us?

Matt, my man.

Why didn't you tell me in the first place, my brotha?

Not this guy again.

I see you've met Joe Blow.

Is he sucking his own dick?

Lucky bastard.

Ah, what the hell man?

Get off of me.

I am so sorry.

Hey, Kratos.

This is Steve.

He's been diagnosed with this rare disease

called Alien Hand Syndrome.

He's got no control over his right arm.

I told him it's proof that aliens exist,

and I offered to cut it off.

But he won't let me.

Do you guys know the bum we're talking about or what?

Yeah, I know about the guy you're looking for.

His name's Magic Mike.

He comes around every Friday

to get the recyclables

before the garbage comes.

Is he jerking you off right now?

Just go with it, bro.

I think we got the answers we're looking for.

Hey wait.

Don't you guys want to buy something?

I just got in some real goodies.

No man, we're good.

Oh.

Oh, god. Oh.

I am so sorry.

I'm not.

I cannot believe I'm gonna be stuck in this body tonight.

Bitch please.

You get to eat snacks and play Xbox

while my mom and girlfriend spoil you.

And why in the hell would I do that?

Because you're me.

So?

So we have to pretend like we're each other.

What, why? Seriously?

You honestly think anyone besides my drugged out dealer

is gonna believe us if we tell them we switched bodies?

I'm gonna go with no.

They're more likely to lock us away in some creepy asylum.

You know I hate asylums.

I guess you have a point.

You're fucking right I do.

Fine, whatever.

Lets just get this over with man.

Shit, Holly's already here.

What's the protocol on that anyway?

If she comes on to me, do I hit that or?

She's definitely gonna come on to you

and you're not gonna do a damn thing.

You're gonna shut that shit down.

Whatever it takes.

I understand it's been a while

since you felt a woman's touch,

but you better not do anything man.

All right, all right.

Jesus, calm down.

What's this?

That is your itinerary for the week.

I don't even know what half these exercises are.

And raw foods?

You know I'm not gonna eat this shit, right?

You are gonna eat that shit

or Holly's gonna be eating this dick.

This mother fucking guy.

Fuck.

Chubby bunny.

No.

What's wrong baby?

I'm just not in the mood, okay?

Not according to Mr. Action Jackson!

Action Jackson?

I need to answer the door, okay?

What the fuck do you think you're doing, dude?

What? Don't what me.

I saw you grabbing her dick.

Her grabbing your dick.

You know what the fuck I meant.

She was grabbing your dick actually,

and she was the one all over me.

Whatever, just give me the damn car keys.

You're a real asshole, you know that?

I'm telling you the truth.

It wasn't me, it was Action Jackson.

Yeah, I'm gonna eat real healthy all right.

Do you have any sixes?

No.

I mean go fish.

Okay.

Do you have any jacks?

Yep.

You know, we should really switch this to strip go fish.

No, I think we should stick to the regular go fish.

Please.

What the fuck, motha fucka?

Did you just talk?

Fuck yeah, I said what the fuck?

Alex tries to fuck your girl

and you're just gonna eat a fucking pizza?

Bitch move motha fucka.

Yeah, well what the fuck do you suggest then, asshole?

You gotta fucking eat everything.

Everything?

Fucking every motha fucking thing, motha fucka.

Do you have any fives?

Go fish.

Uhm, do you have any eights?

No, go fish.

That's it, I'm gonna kill him.

Where are you going?

What's going on?

I'm going to my, I'm going to Alex's house.

Why?

Because I'm gonna kick the shit out of him.

Okay, well before you go can I get a kiss at least?

Uh, sure.

I love you chubby bunny.

I love you too my thin bunny.

I'm gonna kick your fucking teeth in.

What?

I said, go ahead, they're your teeth.

Motherfucker!

I can't breathe.

It wasn't me.

It was the oven mitt's idea, tell him.

You mother fucking rat.

Help.

Puke it up.

Get off me Kevin Spacey.

Puke it up. Rape!

He's raping me!

Puke it up or I'm gonna make you puke it up.

Now clean yourself off.

So you really didn't diddle my girl?

No, like I said, she ambushed me.

She fucking jumped on me.

I had to fight just to get away.

It's not my fault your body is so irresistibly sexy.

And you haven't been doing anything since I left?

Hell no.

We've just been playing go fish like two real mature adults.

Man, Holly always kicks my ass at that game.

Yeah, that's 'cause you suck.

Oh yeah, I made you a new itinerary.

How about you try following it this time,

instead of throwing it away.

I'm not gonna throw it away.

Yeah, like you didn't throw away the crinkled up one

I found in your driveway.

Can you wash that shit off my face

so I don't break out with pimples?

And please, please for the love of god,

will you stop eating junk food while you're in my body.

Can you do that?

Fine.

Bitch.

Best night of sleep, ever.

Good morning my little astronaut.

You forgot to put your sleep mask on again last night

so I put it on you while you were asleep.

I wish you would've told me Ms. Gaye.

This damn thing freaks me out.

Ms. Gaye?

Very funny, Matty.

What's that?

What's what?

Oh, nothing, I thought I saw a ghost.

Queeri. Hey there cock boy.

Make me a pizza.

Oh fuck yeah.

One dirty little pizza coming right up cock boy.

Oh fuck yeah.

How's that pizza taste there little cock boy?

Hurry up and get ready.

Alex will be here soon.

Can you put some damn clothes on Miss, mom.

I'm trying to get ready for work.

What honey?

No.

Hey let me in on this action.

Shaniqua.

Oh do you need some privacy?

Get off-get off.

Someone's a grumpy butt this morning.

I think you may have drooled last night, Matty.

Whoa.

Those are some funky balls, son.

Ah, whatever.

♪ Flashy with the ♪

♪ Millions with the millions ♪

♪ Donald Trump and foolish with the billions ♪

♪ Money stackin' right up to the ceiling ♪

♪ But money make you greedy with no feelings ♪

♪ We flashy with the millions with the millions ♪

♪ Donald Trump and foolish with the billions ♪

♪ Money stackin' right up to the ceiling ♪

♪ But money make you greedy with no feelings ♪

♪ You want designer glasses ♪

♪ You ain't bout it ♪

♪ You still ain't fly at all so say your thousands ♪

♪ Money spent on jewels ♪

I really need to get a bigger car.

Ah, yeah.

Have a good day today, sugar booger.

You too.

Fuck you, Shaniqua.

The hell is this?

Nice, right?

It's an exact replica of Taylor Swift's mouth.

It's to help you take the edge off.

You know, so you don't try and fuck my girlfriend.

Thanks.

Not in my body pothead.

Asshole.

Thank you ladies and gentleman for showing up.

Can't believe we have a sold out show today.

Although I'm not a fan of your health care plan

I do appreciate President Obama for coming to see me.

Speaking of health, I obviously have none.

Will you at least pretend to work while you're me?

I don't have time for that.

You do realize that the comedy contest

is in a few days, right?

Yes.

And do you realize there's a big chance

we'll still be in each other's bodies by then?

Fuck, you're right.

Well then, you're just gonna have to do the contest for me.

Nope.

No.

No no no no.

I didn't sign up for that bullshit.

You're gonna have to cancel.

I don't do big crowds.

Besides, you can re-enter next year anyway.

Get over yourself you damn drama queen.

You do presentations all the time at work

and you seem to do just fine.

There's a huge difference.

There's only a handful of people who actually work here,

most of them we hate.

When I'm doing presentations I'm not attempting

to make a huge crowd laugh.

What if I freeze?

Or they hate me?

I'm not trying to make a fool out of myself.

Relax, if anything you'll be making a fool out of me.

I already given you my body, my secret weapon.

Now here are the bullets.

My material.

Read it,

live it,

be it.

I really don't think I can do this.

How about this,

you stop being a smelly clit

and do this competition for me

and I'll get you a date with Jenna.

I'll get her all wet and juicy for you

so when we switch and get our bodies back

all you have to do is slip the tip right in.

Yeah.

How does that sound?

Give your hand a night off for once.

It's a little graphic, but enticing.

How about this?

You get me the date with Jenna while staying in shape

until I get my body back.

I actually have a respectable competition coming up.

It's called a triathlon.

You probably have no clue what that is

considering it involves physical exercise

but you're gonna need to learn,

because you're probably gonna have to do it for me.

All right, and if you help shed a few pounds,

I think we can seal this deal.

Come on, man.

Hey you two retards,

quit finger diddling each other's urethras

and get back to work.

Alex, I need you to start with this and then,

I said Alex.

And then get back to your other tasks.

What is this?

Is this cocaine?

If anyone asks, I was with you two fucktards last night.

Hey boss, hanging out with that white girl, huh?

Classy, classy, I would partake

but I'm currently doing a full body cleanse.

I love those scrumptious shakes.

If you mention white girl

or say the word scrumptious again,

I'll fucking kill you.

Now get back to work.

There's shit smeared all over the bathroom walls again.

It was me.

I wasn't done with that.

Look at these two anus clowns blowing

each other's dicks like animal balloons.

You do know they don't actually

blow on your dick when you get a blowjob, right?

Have you ever even gotten head before?

No shit, I've had literally millions

of blow jays in my life.

You mean blowgays?

We don't have time for your shit today Chad,

so fuck off.

Where did you get the balls to step up to me, civilian?

You have no idea the shit I saw over there.

You're not even close to being on my level you little bitch.

I used to laugh at weak ass chumps like you in boot camp.

Yeah?

Did you laugh at yourself when they booted

your bitch ass out of boot camp?

That's right.

I know all about your Swiss cheese heart full of holes.

So why don't you and your faulty heart

murmur the fuck out of here.

Yeah, look at Mr. Big shot over here, huh.

Fuck you and fuck you.

Jesus, you know I got you guys this job?

I can fire you too.

I'm actually the one that got you this job.

And you can't fire us, you're a janitor.

I'm a fucking custodian level two.

There's a difference ass hat.

What is this?

I'm getting it from both sides now?

You want some?

No, I'm just saying I got you the job.

Whatever, I have to go.

Apparently I'm the only one who actually works around here.

But I'll be over at your house later Matt,

to motorboat your mom's fat tittaayyys.

I think you mean your aunt's tits, you sick fuck.

Bro, it's Jenna.

♪ One hundid every time you go away ♪

♪ One hundid go on and say my name ♪

♪ One hundid if we gonna make it last ♪

Here's your chance player.

It's pronounced play-a.

Playa.

Hey, prettiest lady in this office.

I'm the only lady in this office.

I know.

So, what happened?

Oh wait let me guess, you messed it up, as usual.

Looks like you better start working out,

you obese son of a bitch.

You actually got her number?

Hey there little guy.

Looks like you were so excited for our date tonight

that you woke up before me.

Be patient buddy,

I know Alex beats you with his hand every night

until you throw up but I promise,

I'ma take you to VagTown if it's the last thing I do.

All right, I know there's some muscles

deep down in this fat somewhere to stretch out.

Yes.

Yes.

How does this mother fucker not have a girlfriend?

Yee-haw.

It's hotter than a goat's ass in a pepper patch.

Well how do Missy?

I see you've run into quite a predicament.

Your pussy farm's in need of harvesting.

Oh, my, my, my,.

I reckon I have the right tool for the job.

Bonjour, I'm about to make yo' skank ass

a dick club sandwich with double meat.

Extra heavy on zee jizz mayo.

Hon, hon, hon.

What's that you say?

Pussy caught in a tree?

Puh.

Well slide on down this long dick ladder.

Freeze!

You're under arrest for giving me

a veiny throbbing cop boner.

I'm the head detective of the pussy division

and you're about to serve

hard time!

Huh, Lieutenant McDickles mam.

Call my Johnson Ryan because your pussy's

about to save my privates.

There's been a nuclear cum-plosion.

Clean up in aisle my pants.

Okay.

Not today Vir-Gina, god damn.

So my mom tells me that fat people have small dicks.

I would be offended, but I'm literally channeling

all the energy I have into breathing

and grasping onto the fact that your mom talks

to you about fat dicks?

Tiny dick!

He has a tiny dick!

He showed me it!

Will you shut the hell up, Virgil?

I don't have a tiny dick, okay.

I'll show you my dick right now bro.

Want me to whip it out?

I'll whip out my dick.

Whatever micro penis.

Waddle waddle all day but you'll always be fat!

Fucker.

Bitch.

I'm gonna tell my mom you fat asshole.

This was definitely a good call.

I've always wanted to take an art class.

Once again, it feels so good to be here with all of you,

in a creative environment.

Free from our smart phones and tablets

and computers and TVs.

Let's start with some breathing exercises.

Now everyone close your eyes,

relax your bodies

and slowly inhale.

And exhale.

Now, with your eyes closed,

grab your pencils and just draw.

Let the energy around you flow through you

and onto your paper.

Now everyone open your eyes.

Is that a dick?

Well, we know where your head's at.

I swear I was drawing something else.

What did you draw?

Same as you.

Now that we're all warmed up

and connected with our surroundings,

it's time to begin our lesson.

What kind of art class did you say this was again?

Bare witness and let your naked eye connect

with my naked human body.

Look very closely and study every curve,

wrinkle and pore.

Yes?

Is that a ding-a-ling?

Yes, is there a problem?

No, just,

I'm good.

We're good.

Everybody's good.

Now, let my features flow into your mind

and spill out onto your paper.

Well, I think I captured her

and her penis perfectly.

Another penis?

Is there something you want to come out of the closet

for and tell me?

I'm just really good at drawing penises.

It's a gift.

Sure.

Let's see your drawing then, Picasso.

All right, you're really good.

Thank you.

Do you like sausages? I guess so.

Why?

All these penises reminded me

of this fucking awesome Italian sausage joint by my house.

They're closed now,

but if you're game we should definitely go there sometime.

It's molto bene.

Sounds interesting, I'm game.

All right, let's the fuck out of here.

Bye guys.

Don't forget to leave me a review on Jewpon.

Hello?

Yeah, I know we don't have work today.

Oh, I can sleep in?

Oh really?

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Who's this all this for?

For you silly goose.

Round one.

We're gonna see if you can beat your seventh round record,

my little cowboy.

If you believe it, you can achieve it.

Oh, I forgot your orange soda.

I swear this bitch is trying to give me diabetes.

Jewpon.com.

And print.

How the fuck did he make it to seven rounds?

Don't give up, Matty. You're almost there.

I just, I can't do it.

I can't eat another bite.

Sure you can.

Coming in for a landing.

I understand why Matt hates you now.

Good ball control.

Get that ball, nobody has it!

Come on, oh yeah, take it down.

Hey is this the bubble soccer game?

For the Jewpon promotion?

Yes, are you one of the parents?

No, here to kick some ass holes, sir.

You didn't happen to notice there's a slight age

difference between yourself

and these kids out here, did you?

Yeah, but I read the coupon

and it looks like there's no age restriction, so.

I'm in like nuts on yo chin!

Feels like you have a few knots.

Do I?

Do you think you can get em out for me?

Yeah, I can try.

Oh, great, thank you.

How's that feel? Amazing.

Good.

Yes, go.

Hey!

Come on, lean into it.

Come on, get it in there.

Let's go!

There!

Aren't you gonna do something?

Well...

He is way too old to be out there with our kids.

But the coupon it doesn't restrict age.

Oh, come on.

That's it.

Either you do something about it or we're out of here.

And we're taking our money back.

Hey, you.

I don't wanna play anymore.

Whoo!

Not in my house.

Not in my house.

I hate you.

Hey you, it's game over.

Put that bubble back where you got it and get out of here.

Hey asshole, get back here.

Aw, that's my bubble.

Yeah, about to get it.

Oh yeah.

You okay in there honey?

I'm fine.

Leave me alone.

Okay, no need to be so rude.

Wait, mom.

Yes, sugar booger?

What's my best friend's name?

Alex?

What?

Alex.

What?

Alex!

Huh?

Alex.

Are you sure you're okay in there, honey?

I am now.

How the fuck does he survive?

Why have a fridge if you have no food in it?

Get your fucking life together, man.

Hey, hey, hey fat ass Albert.

What's this?

Dude, give that back!

Just what in the hell are you doing with a

pocket pussy anyway you pathetic perv?

It's not what you think, Chad.

You know how girls have a bachelorette party

and they do like a dick theme?

Um, my friend Eric.

He is having a bachelor party

and he asked me to throw it for him.

So naturally I'm going with a pussy theme.

And I'm using pocket pussies as shot glasses.

See, I was just testing it.

Wait, Eric.

Like Eric from work Eric?

Yeah.

No invite for big boy Chad, huh?

Fuck it, we'll have our own party right here right now!

Shots shots shots shots shots shots!

Dude, dude, wait, wait.

You know what, go for it bro.

All yours.

Oh, god, what did you mix this with?

Cum?

This is the most disgustingly awesome thing

I have ever seen.

Man, this shit has me buzzed.

Hashtag, facial.

Hashtag, money shot.

Hashtag, seagulled.

And, post.

Your video will continue after

a word from our sponsor.

What are you doing?

Oh my god, what are you doing?

Stop.

No.

Well, well, well, I do declare.

It looks like we have another suicide

by someone high off marijuana.

I'm Winfred Wade Wallace reminding you

that just because weed has been legal in Washington,

does not make it safe.

So next time you get wasted on that stick-icky,

remember it could be your last.

What the fuck did I just watch?

Hey fellas, don't you hate it

when you're watching porn and jerking off.

Everything is going perfectly.

The woman is beautiful.

She's moaning loud because the guy is pounding her

like some insane centaur.

You're close to shooting out your cum sprinkles

when out of nowhere the angle of the video

takes a turn for the worse.

You're suddenly in a very non flattering angle

for straight people.

You know what I'm talking about.

The angle behind the dude where absolutely zero

of the girl is showing.

All you see is a hairy back

and ass crack with sweaty manballs bouncing up and down.

Who directed this thing?

This was not what I signed up for.

Talk about a jizz killer.

Yep, there's no way I'm getting this down in time.

Babe, what are you doing?

Have you forgotten about our annual camping trip of love?

Uh, no, why would I forget something that important?

Uhm, remind me what made it so awesome last year?

Oh, last year was amazing.

You were so romantic.

I love spending time with you by the lake

just eating junk food.

Making love under the stars.

Having you to myself for three days.

Grrrr.

It'll be amazing.

Uh, I'm just gonna forewarn you

this year might be a little bit different.

I'm not feeling like myself.

What up mother fuckers?

And welcome to another segment of E Zee Doez it on a Budget.

I'm your host E Zee

and if you're watching this you're probably hungry

or just fucking high.

Either way, let's get this shit started.

Today I'm gonna be teaching you how to make Ghetto S'ghetti.

And for all those haters out there leaving bullshit comments

on my feed below, you can go fuck yourselves.

Especially you RashelleRay24

and GordonGramsy62.

I will find you, and when I do,

I'm gonna beat the shit out of you

with your own fucking keyboards.

So remember,

words don't leave marks, but keyboards do.

Hot dog, I'm high as shit.

What you will need for this deliciously cheap ass meal

is a packet of ramen noodles

including the spices, a package of hotdogs,

and last but not least a bottle of ketchup

or Sriracha

for you weird mexi chinks out there.

Ewh, gross.

So now what you're gonna want to do is open up

your noodle packet and set it in the bowl.

Now it's time to set you noodles

in the microwave for five minutes.

Seriously,

how did this weird bitch open the package so fast?

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Who the fuck are you calling weird you fugly ass nerd?

Are you talking to me?

Yeah asshole, I am.

Maybe if you didn't have bitch arms

you could open the fucking package yourself.

Well my hands are kind of sweaty.

Here you go retard.

What the fuck?

How did you?

Oh yeah!

The noodles are done.

Now's the time that you're gonna wanna strain that water.

Do you still need this?

Thanks fucker.

Take this and just add that shit.

Now's the time that you're gonna add your ketchup.

Or Sriracha.

And just get it all up in there.

Mix it together and then add your hotdogs.

Bon appetit.

And there you have it.

Ghetto S'ghetti.

Be sure to tell me how fucking terrible this recipe is,

along with all my other ones in the comments below.

You sacks of shit with no fucking lives.

Maybe I should stop smoking weed...

Huh, nah.

Stupid.

Awh, holy mother of god.

That is disturbingly gross.

I miss my mommy's cooking.

Oh, Jesus.

I just wanted to give you your second bag of brownies.

Are you okay? You seem distracted?

Uh, yeah.

I'm fine.

I'm so glad we finally get some alone time together.

You've been avoiding me a lot lately.

Tonight though you're all mine.

Momma wants some of that anaconda you're packing.

Hey, hey, stop it with that lady!

Geez.

And let's be realistic here,

it's more like a baby garden snake if anything.

Besides, I told you I'm just not feeling up to it tonight.

What's going on?

Are you not attracted to me anymore?

Don't be sad.

It's not you I promise.

Work's stressing me out.

I got this comedy show coming up I'm not prepared for,

like at all.

I'm just having stupid man problems, okay?

I promise I'll have lots and lots

of crazy sex with you soon.

And you'll put it in my butt too?

Uh. Yeah.

If you get like a million enemas first.

Come on, let's go back to the tent.

Those brownies are definitely gonna hit you soon.

Wait, what?

Hit me?

♪ Work, work, go to work ♪

♪ Baby you deserve a crown ♪

♪ Go to work ♪

♪ I like the way she drop it down ♪

♪ Go to work ♪

♪ Like there ain't no one around ♪

♪ Go to work ♪

♪ Work, work ♪

♪ Go to work ♪

♪ Work, work ♪

♪ Go to work ♪

♪ Work, work ♪

♪ Go to work ♪

♪ Work, work ♪

♪ Go to work ♪

♪ Booty going clap clap ♪

♪ Sit it on my lap lap ♪

♪ Do your thing girl ♪

♪ Make a nigga want that that ♪

♪ Booty looking fat fat ♪

♪ Throw it in a catch that ♪

♪ Do your thing girl ♪

♪ Do your thing girl ♪

♪ Back it up, back it up ♪

♪ Back back it up like it's freight ♪

♪ Now drop it low ♪

♪ Drop it low drop it low that gets weight ♪

♪ Now pick it up pick it up ♪

♪ Girl you gonna hurt yo back ♪

♪ The way she's shaking that ass ♪

♪ Like a pitbull when he attack ♪

♪ I'm like damn ♪

Wait.

Aren't you Winfred Wade Wallace?

That anti-weed asshole.

Well now, don't always believe

what you see on that TV now boy.

♪ I'm keep throwing this money ♪

♪ You know how to get it from me baby ♪

♪ Work, work ♪

Hey Alex, I hear you want a private dance?

What?

No, I was in the area getting some food.

Thought I'd stop by and see you.

Ahh, so sweet.

Hey Alex, I thought that was you.

There's more seats over there, Shaniqua.

What the hell mom.

I mean, you're my best friend's mom.

This is getting weird. Would you give me some space?

Calm down honey, there's nothing weird going on here.

Ah, gross.

Get out of here.

Ahh.

It's making it worse.

Don't freak out. It's making it worse.

Ah.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about sweetie.

It's a perfectly natural body function.

Yeah.

I'm sure you're just feeling lonely right now.

Very, lonely.

You serve alcohol here, right?

Yes, yes, of course we do. Of course.

What do you drink?

I can get you something, sweetie.

I'm a grown ass man, Shaniqua, I can get my own alcohol.

Mom, Ms. Gay. Yeah.

Can you get me something to drink?

Absolutely, of course sweetie, what do you want?

Uh, you know that drink you make Matt sometimes?

The blue one with the ring of salt and the wedges.

Blue balls. Blue balls.

Coming right up, sweetie.

Be right back.

Holly, can I ask you a question?

Anything you want babe.

How can someone that looks like you

be with someone that looks like me?

Matt, I've told you this over and over.

When will you get it through that thick sexy skull of yours?

It doesn't matter what you look like,

even though I think you're sexy as hell.

I'm attracted to the person I know you are.

I love you for you.

And I always will, with all my heart.

Whether you look like this

or you turn into a skinny little toothpick like Alex.

You'll always be my chubby bunny.

I feel so weird.

I'm all dizzy in my brain head.

Well, I probably would too

if I ate an entire bag of shroom infused pot brownies.

What?

Who the hell mixes shrooms with weed brownies?

It doesn't even make any sense.

Oh my fucking taint.

I've never been high in my entire life?

♪ Work, work, work ♪

♪ Go to work ♪

♪ Work, work ♪

♪ Go to work ♪

♪ Work, work ♪

♪ Go to work ♪

♪ Booty going clap clap ♪

♪ Sit it on my lap lap ♪

♪ Do your thing girl ♪

♪ Make a nigga wanna tap that ♪

♪ Booty looking fat fat ♪

♪ Throw it in a catch that ♪

Mom. Yeah babe.

There's not enough drugs or alcohol

in the whole wide world

to erase the memories from tonight.

All right.

Are you okay?

Keep em coming, Shaniqua.

Oh honey, I think you've had enough.

Shhhh.

What'd I say?

What'd I say, Shaniqua?

I said

I'm a grown ass boy.

You are. Keep 'em coming.

For the bus ride home.

Holly?

Holly?

Calm down, sweetie.

You're starting to have a bad trip.

It's okay.

Calm down sweetie.

You're starting to have a bad trip.

It's okay.

Calm down sweetie.

You're starting to have a bad trip.

It's okay.

Calm down sweetie.

Calm down sweetie. Calm down sweetie.

You're starting to have a bad trip.

It's okay.

What's wrong, Alex?

Are you feeling okay, Alex?

Are you all right, Alex?

Haven't you ever been high before, Alex?

Alex, Alex, Alex.

Gotcha.

Tag.

Gotcha.

Hey, you little bastards.

Keep it down.

Wake me up again and nobody's getting any dinner.

You little shits.

You're supposed to be watching us, you stupid bitch.

Tag.

Tag.

I made you more pot brownies.

They're delicious.

Holly?

Holly?

Holly?

Hey, Alex, do you want to join us?

Come join us, Alex. Come join us Alex.

Come join us.

Join us, Alex.

Come on, Alex, join us.

What are you waiting for?

The milk's nice and warm.

Yeah, Alex, join us. Join us.

Join us. Join us.

The milk's nice and warm.

♪ Baby I got that ♪

♪ I got that good ♪

♪ And I don't no girl without attitude ♪

♪ No no no ♪

♪ I got that good ♪

♪ I got that good ♪

♪ No no no ♪

♪ I got that good ♪

How's it-how's it hanging?

Matt?

Is that you?

You're an old man.

You're old.

Yeah, so are you.

Who gives a fuck?

The hell is going on?

Matt? Matt?

Why do you keep calling me Matt?

I'm not Matt

Huh?

I'm Alex.

What?

What we never changed?

Oh, it's okay.

It's okay.

Rise and shine chubby bunny.

Okay, okay, I'm awake.

Jesus.

Ah, where are your clothes?

Uhm, don't you remember anything about last night?

I know you were on a crazy trip but you were an animal.

No.

No way.

My clothes are still on and the arm floats.

Come on, we didn't really do anything.

Did we?

Well you just whipped out Action Jackson and went at it.

I went at it?

Bullshit.

You drugged and raped me.

I should've known you were lying.

Nobody mixes shrooms with weed,

that doesn't even make any sense.

You roofied me didn't you?

I wasn't giving it up, you decided to roofie rape me.

That's what happened.

The fuck is that?

See, I was fucking right.

The fuck!

Good morning, mom.

The fuck are you doing here?

Wait...

Did we...

No.

No.

No.

No.

We need to talk about last night.

Figure out what we're gonna tell Matt.

We are not going to talk to Matt about anything,

especially what happened last night.

I'm outta here.

Put some damn clothes on.

Fucking voice mail.

Answer your phone dick.

Fuck.

Come on, Holly, answer.

I need to hear your voice right now.

Hey, you've reached, Holly.

I'm on a camping trip with the sexiest man alive.

No cell service, so leave a message

and I'll get back to you when I have a signal.

You know, unless we're eaten by bears.

Roar.

Bye. The trip was today?

Hey, Alex.

Everything all right this morning?

Yeah.

Now fuck off, Shaniqua.

Are those fucking JNCOs?

Fuck yeah.

Dope, right?

Wait, what the hell are you doing?

Don't worry about me,

just getting rid of evidence from something

I'll never speak of ever again.

So did you and my girlfriend have fun

on our very, very romantic

anniversary trip?

Yeah, we just, it was really boring actually.

We just stayed up all night

and she talked about how awesome you are.

I disagreed of course.

And then we fell asleep,

very, very far away from each other.

Wow, after last night...

This situation is obviously pretty crazy.

That, mixed with the fact that Holly is so fucking sexy.

She can't resist my handsome mug.

I know fighting her off must be hard.

So thank you.

Uhm, you're welcome...

I guess it kinda has been pretty hard.

Like I said, thanks.

I really apprec...

Hey babe, why'd you storm out?

Oh hey Alex.

Did you fuck my girlfriend?

Did you?

Did you mother fucker?

Did you fuck my future wife

and mother of my unborn children?

Will you stop it.

Oh, you want me to stop?

Like how you stopped yourself from fucking my girlfriend?

You're going to burn your own body over an accident?

Why not?

I'll go kamikaze to take you out.

And please, elaborate,

how does one go about accidentally fucking someone?

Huh? Will you-

Will you knock it off?

Last night was the worst night of my life.

You don't even understand, dude.

I'm not getting into any details ever,

but I guarantee my night was way worse than yours.

No, my night was worse.

I promise you.

And I swear I didn't plan or even remember

what happened last night.

I put that on my mother.

You don't have a real mom to swear on.

We both know your real mom dropped you off

at some ghetto ass foster home

because she couldn't possibly love a piece of shit like you.

You're a real funny guy, Matt.

Thank you.

No, you're all fun and games, that's your problem.

You sit on your fat fucking ass all day

while your moms and your girlfriend do everything for you.

You have no motivation at all,

you haven't even made one grown up decision

in your entire life.

You've only been in my body for a few days

and you've already gained weight,

god only knows what you've done to my lungs

with all that shit that you smoke.

Oh, you're one to talk about motivation.

You've barely even practiced my stand up

and the contest is in two days.

You're going to either not show up

or choke like you always do

when you talk to anyone else besides me.

There's a reason you have no real family or friends.

It's because you have a shitty personality.

And the only reason I've tolerated you

all this time is because I felt sorry for you.

I don't need you.

You're literally the most annoying

fucking person in the entire world.

And now that I'm stuck in this fat fucking disgusting body

I can't comprehend why you haven't

fucking killed yourself yet.

And the reason why I haven't practice your stand up

is because your material fucking blows.

You are not funny!

You take that back you son of a bitch.

Nope, I put it out there.

I set it free.

And besides, it's not like it news to anyone anyway, bitch.

Yeah, walk away pussy.

Hah hah.

You okay?

I realize that a bottle to the face

may not have been the best idea but,

you did say I wasn't funny.

Get off him, you're hurting him.

Oh, fuck.

I'm sorry babe, are you okay?

I didn't mean to. Get off me, Alex.

Babe, are you okay?

Did he hurt you?

You know, you only had one friend.

You slept with my girlfriend so now you have zero friends.

Unless you have information on how to switch us back

I don't want to hear shit from you.

And once we do figure this whole thing out,

I'll really be done with you for good.

What's going on?

Nothing.

It's complicated.

Is there someone else?

No, it's just you, Holly, I promise.

You're lazy.

You can't make any grown up decisions.

Yeah, okay.

You won't be saying that when I kick the shit

out of this bitch ass triathlon.

Bonjour, you are a disgusting fat American.

You are weak.

You are fat.

You remind me of my wife, ugly and stiff.

I bet if there was a cheeseburger you'd make it to the end.

What is this?

You think you are pretty?

You are a hippopotamus.

Look at your fat ass.

Get out of here.

Get out of my sight.

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

Don't be a fat American.

Call me, I will make you skinny.

About to step up my game today.

Talk about a jizz killer.

What.

Honey bunny, I made your

third round of breakfast, come and get it.

Not right now, mom, I'm working on something.

I'm a real man.

I got this.

I won't choke.

Seriously, I thought he had a smart fridge.

Isn't this shit supposed to refill itself?

Where the hell is this trainer guy?

I've been waiting for minutes.

Man, maybe paying over the phone wasn't such a good idea.

You know what?

Fuck this.

I don't need anyone's help.

I can do this myself.

What the fuck?

It's called a tomato, fat American.

Get the fuck away from me you crazy fuck.

And this is called a banana.

I think jizzing for me

is a lot like when I sneeze.

Uhm,

once I start I can't stop

and it usually happens out of nowhere

and very quickly.

And I also look funny as hell

because I'm making weird faces like, awh.

How was that?

Well it's great babe if you could just maybe

loosen up a little bit.

Yeah, I mean, like it's good.

But you're really tense right now.

Thank you.

Hey ladies and ladies, here's a fun fact about me.

If you're not man or a family member

there's a small tiny part of me that wants to fuck you.

And that small and tiny part of me, it's called my penis.

I don't know why you're laughing, you're my girlfriend.

Hey little piggie.

Swim fat American piggie.

I'm not even fat anymore asshole.

Just want to say that it is fantastic to be here.

I actually just flew into town

and boy are my arms tired.

From masturbating on the plane.

It's exhausting.

Hey, I'm Alex.

I mean.

Fuck.

Hey everybody, I'm Matt and a-

Fuck is, fuck you.

Piece of shit. Ah damn it.

All right you got this.

You got this.

All right everyone, line up.

Who's ready to run?

All right, that's what I like to see.

Remember, if you believe in it you can achieve it.

I wanna see some hustle today.

On your marks.

Get set.

Go.

What are you doing?

Basically what I'm trying to say is, you know

I'm still horny from last night.

So after the show if you want to have some horrible sex,

come find me.

Thank you.

Good job man, good job.

Good job.

Give it up one more time guys for Kyle.

Your next person coming to the stage is Matt Gaye.

Don't be a pussy.

You fucking got this.

Matt Gaye, to the stage. Oh fuck, fuck, fuck.

Okay.

Matt Gaye, you out there buddy?

Oh, are you, are you Matt?

You can come up this way.

Okay.

Hello every...

Hello everybody.

Hello. Hi.

Okay.

Uh, so...

One tiny fact you might know about me.

That you probably don't know about me.

I mean, I mean why would you know,

we haven't had sex, or fucked it up,

or fucked and sex, so.

I don't have an above average size penis.

Uh.

I also don't own an average sized penis.

Okay, what I'm trying to say is that, I just,

I have a tiny dick, so.

I

Another fun fact about me

is I thoroughly enjoy masturbating, like a lot.

And I've noticed that I jerk off really fast.

I'm much like the flash.

You can't even see my hand.

It's faster than that, I'm just not horny right now, so.

This inspired me for a brilliant script

that I'm writing right now,

it's actually called Whack to the Future.

It's action packed.

It's starring Tom Hardy and Palmela Handerson.

Every time Mr. Hardy finds himself

in a sticky situation he runs out to the streets,

just jerking off.

That's how he looks.

And right when he reaches 88 miles per hour

he ejaculates and disappears in the distance.

But instead of two flames in the road,

there's two steamy, gooey piles of cum.

Whack to the future.

Cumming, eh, this summer.

Masturbation doesn't turn you blind,

it takes you back in time.

So fucking tired.

I can't do this.

I want my mommy.

Ahh, thanks for showing me your dick asshole.

At least I don't have to piss anymore.

Ladies and gentleman give it up

for your winner of tonight's competition.

Carlos.

Congratulations Carlos.

Thank you, thank you. You just won $5,000

and you're gonna headline at our club for the next month.

Give it up for our runner-ups.

They're gonna be getting some comedy classes,

hey, they need 'em obviously.

Once again give it up for Carlos.

Every one make it home safe, thanks for coming out.

Sand in my ass.

Sand in my ass crack.

Why didn't I change before jumping in the water?

So many regrets.

Who am I kidding, I can't do this.

So fucking tired.

Where the hell is everyone?

I can't be the only one out here still.

Hey there.

Whoa, are you like a ninja?

How am I supposed to finish this thing

with all this shit running down my leg?

Ewh.

Whatever, I'm just glad I'm not the only one still here.

Oh, sorry.

Here.

What's this?

That's your medal.

You actually ran out of time for the triathlon.

Everyone else left.

Thanks for trying and have a great day.

Bye.

Are you fucking serious?

Hey.

Stop crying you girly American.

Would you leave me alone?

The race is over. I lost, okay?

Go bother someone else.

I don't know what the fuck you're saying.

I said, you are no longer a fat American.

Maybe a chubby American, but that's okay.

Stand up.

Finish the pointless race.

Do something for once in your insignificant life.

Yes.

Yes.

Whoo.

Whoo.

I finished the race.

You hear that Alex?

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Didn't we just have sex the other night?

No, we haven't.

We haven't had sex in days and it feels like an eternity.

Lately I feel like Action Jackson's

turning into like old retired Jackson.

Wait, are you saying we did not sleep

with each other on the camping trip?

Don't sound so excited about it.

No we didn't.

I tried but you just pulled it out

and started touching yourself.

So naturally, I did the same thing to Misses Jackson

and we fell asleep.

As disturbing as that sounds I'm actually relieved.

Relieved?

You're relieved we didn't have sex?

What's going on with you?

Are you cheating on me?

Do you think I'm ugly?

No, no, it's not any of that.

Lately I've been working on fixing myself.

I know it sounds dumb,

but I swear it's not you it's me, okay?

One of the many lessons I've learned these last few days

is that you are one of the most kindest

and caring women I've met in my entire life.

You are so beautiful inside and out

and the fact that you feel the same about me

will always blow my mind.

And for your information, Mr. Action Jackson is not retired.

He's more like on a hiatus gaining his strength

and I have a feeling he's gonna be back very soon

and better than ever.

I love you jelly bear.

Well, it's been fun, but it's time to say goodbye.

I know.

I'm going to miss you too,

but we'll see each other all the time.

I promise,

I promise we're gonna see each other again, all right?

No, don't you, don't you dare.

We said we weren't gonna cry.

Might as well eat shitty one last time

before I get my body back.

Aww, that's so cute.

Is my baby trying to lose some weight?

I guess you can say that.

I only have time for four rounds of breakfast this morning.

I gotta meet up with Alex.

Hey how's he doing anyway after the other night?

He seemed really upset and pretty sure he's avoiding us.

He's been a little weird lately.

Since the whole thingy between you.

What do you mean?

I don't know.

What'd you guys get it on or something?

Don't be a silly willy.

He came to the bar last night.

He drank way too much, so we put him on the couch

and I think about midnight

he came into our room crying, asking for his mommy.

It's really sad he's never had a mother figure.

You know, we've really enjoyed raising him

over the last few years.

He's like a son to us.

I'm gonna miss having you guys around all the time.

Miss us?

What are you talking about?

You're not planning on moving?

Who'm I going to cook for?

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm just saying that you guys are really awesome

and I love you so much.

Aw, babe.

We love you too. We love you too.

You see him?

No, he's not here obviously.

So I did that triathlon you were training for.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I actually hired this crazy foreign dude off of Craigslist.

He kept talking shit to me in another language

and was like throwing fruits and vegetable at me

when we were training.

I actually lost the race.

But I finished.

They even gave me this cool medal.

You finished the race?

Like from start to finish?

Yeah, but like I said I lost.

Who cares man?

You finished a triathlon.

Like how many people can say they've done that?

That's pretty fucking awesome.

I'm proud of you, man.

Thanks.

And I know when you came by the tent the other day

it looked like something went down between me and Holly,

but nothing happened I swear.

I mean besides me being overdosed on the weed brownies

that she poisoned me with,

I couldn't even get a hard on if I tried.

Wait, you got high?

Yeah, I don't want to talk about it man.

Oh, I bet Holly gave you those weed brownies

I was cooking up.

They had shrooms in them.

You were probably tripping balls.

Yeah.

So let's talk about what happened between you and your mom?

You know, your mother?

The woman who gave birth to you?

You didn't have sex with her by any chance, did you?

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Yeah, you do.

You're mom told me.

You did her and Shaniqua dirty.

Even if there were true, which it's not,

how could I even have sex with my mom?

I'm not even me.

I'm not even Matt.

I'm not... Hey, hey, hey.

Relax bro.

I'm just messing with you.

I wanted to see your face.

See my face, whatever.

Nothing happened, all right?

Nothing happened?

Yeah, nothing.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Thank god.

You know that comedy show you were practicing for?

I did that, I didn't get first place

but you are now the proud owner

of three free comedy workshop classes,

so, you're welcome.

Fucking, fuck yeah.

Awesome.

I'm gonna give you those for Christmas.

Wow, thank you.

That's amazing.

Can't wait.

And I'm proud of you.

You must've done a lot of work

because you were fucking terrible.

Yeah, I worked pretty hard on it.

No, I mean you were the worst.

Like watching you tell a joke was like getting fisted

by someone wearing Hulk hands.

I get it, I was bad, all right?

Yeah, fucking unbearable.

I'm sorry I thought you slept with my girlfriend.

Should've trusted you.

Yeah, I'm sorry that...

I'm sorry too.

I shouldn't have said the things I said.

I was just angry, being a dumb ass.

We cool?

Yeah, we cool.

Oh shit, it's Magic Mike.

What the?

Crap.

It said it's right here.

Come on.

Come on.

Gotcha.

Ha, yes.

Holy shit.

I hope your hobo legs are broken, you fucking asshole.

Come on, wake up.

Quit fucking around.

You gotta change us back, dude.

Come on.

Come here. Come here.

You feel anything?

No, do you?

No.

Come on.

Do you feel anything now?

Are you, you?

Yeah, you?

Yeah.

You know what this means, right?

We're gonna fucking party tonight.

♪ Watch me break it down ♪

♪ You know I'm on the grind ♪

How you guys doing tonight?

Enjoy yourselves.

I'm on there, right? What's up, brother?

Hey.

Civilians. Get that damn bouncy house of my lawn,

you're killing my grass.

Your grass is already dead, asshole.

Hold on, let me deal with this dude.

Can I go in?

Excuse me.

Sorry, no one gets in unless you're on the list.

Ah, this is my house, bro.

I don't care if it is your house.

Unless your name's on this list you're not getting in.

Whatever, it's Chad.

And I better be on there.

I don't see a Chad.

What? Give me that fucking clipboard.

I'm so going to kick their ass.

Hey, it's my house.

It's my fucking house.

All right, who's ready for some Bigfoot dick?

♪ Watch me break it down ♪

♪ You know I'm on the grind ♪

♪ Never taking L's ♪

♪ Ain't nobody taking mine ♪

Hey, when you see Holly, tell her the hiatus is over.

What?

Why?

Just do it.

Trust me.

♪ My cologne ♪

♪ She say she like the Jean Paul ♪

♪ Fire in the pocket just for letting up the stand ♪

♪ Bitches all like to ball ♪

♪ I think I'm better than Kareem ♪

Boo ♪ Chicks like 'em built ♪

♪ Money on stilt ♪ Boo

♪ Flow so cold ♪

♪ Better hand his ass a quilt ♪

♪ Now I call it shivering ♪

♪ Asking what's next, I'll snag yo chick ♪

♪ Now that's yo ex better watch you back ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm coming that next damn ♪

♪ Look I'm so New Orleans ♪

♪ Chain around my neck it look like Mardi Gras beads ♪

♪ Bourbon in the cream ♪

♪ Red and the blue ♪

♪ Everybody fresh to death it's just like funeral suits ♪

♪ Super Sunday second line ♪

♪ We get it it all the time ♪

♪ Dancing in the zone just like Deion in his prime ♪

♪ Turn a nickle to a dime ♪

♪ Everybody hustle ♪

♪ Talk that shit you might get ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Little man, little man.

Where you going?

Get out of my way Green Mile.

I'm going to the party.

Oh, okay.

Well I'll tell you what.

You might wanna go to the party,

but you ain't getting in unless your name's on the list.

My name's Virgil.

Virgil.

Well I don't see a Virgil,

but I do see a Vir-Gina.

I said my name's Virgil, ass clown.

Ooh.

Well I'll tell you what.

Unless your name's on this list you ain't getting in.

Whoa.

You heard what I said?

Unless your name is on this list, you ain't getting in.

Fine.

My name's

Virgina.

I'm sorry, a little bit louder.

I said my name's

Virgina.

Yeah it is. Yeah it is.

Told you we could get him to say it.

This is an adult party only.

Fuck off Virgina.

Hey you.

Wanna make out?

My breath smells like tuna shit.

Motha fucka.

On your marks, get set.

Go.

I was never here.

I just love being in a social environment.

Free from the distractions of technology.

You lose.

Take it off.

Dude.

Is that a dick?

Well, it's not a belly button.

♪ Everybody hustle ♪

♪ That shit you might get muscled ♪

♪ We the general ♪

Oh my god.

I've missed you so much baby.

Babe, I just saw you this morning.

I know, but it feels like it's been an eternity.

Oh, I'm supposed to tell you, the hiatus is over.

Really?

Come with me papa bear.

There you are.

Yeah, here I am.

So when are you going to take me

to this Italian restaurant of yours?

Or were you just teasing me with sausage?

Sausage?

Oh right.

The Italian restaurant because they have sausage there.

Yeah.

Makes sense. Makes sense.

Ah, your Birthday?

My Birthday?

No.

Next week.

This weekend?

Tomorrow?

How about right now?

♪ Watch me break it down you know ♪

This is the best I've ever had.

Oh, Jelly Bear.

Oh, Holly.

Alex. Jenna.

Holly.

Who the fuck is Holly?

Jenna?

Who's Holly?

How did I?

Tell me who she is. Oh, shit.

Get off of me.

Oh, Jenna...

Jenna?

From your work?

Mother fucker.

♪ Cover the gossip of the war, be with the clown, nigga ♪

♪ Ordered the shot and reportedly plotted the hound ♪

♪ Ask your rabbi why they turned me the bad guy ♪

♪ Blast they ass, fly to your noodle like pad Thai ♪

♪ Baskin' as I wickedly stab thy ♪

♪ Crab that had my name and is met the last sight ♪

♪ If you're trippin' with Nina then I'mma shoot ya ♪

♪ Nigga, fuck a rifle, I do it with the bazooka ♪

♪ A lot of motherfuckers they be softer than a luffa ♪

I love, love, love this song.

Yes.

What are you drinking?

Oh, this? Can I have some?

Yeah.

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, yeah.

You're so soft.

I love it.

And I love you.

♪ After me, I'm a catastrophe ♪

♪ When I'm finished you nigga look like a pasta C ♪

♪ What'll happen if a nigga wanna clash with me ♪

♪ I be killin' 'em and that's the way it has to be ♪

♪ It's on on sight, run to the light ♪

♪ Touch mics and fight for your life ♪

♪ Ooh yeah this is verbal warfare ♪

♪ Maybe you're crazy enough to go there ♪

♪ I'm on the war path you motherfuckin' shakin' ♪

♪ I'm a gladiator you don't know who you're facing ♪

♪ I'm gonna go till death I can hear your heart racin' ♪

♪ I ain't scared for you lames, I ain't playin' ♪

♪ Hit you subliminal with defendable syllable ♪

♪ The original general was literal criminal ♪

♪ Now I'm killin' 'em digital, I'm fillin' the minimal ♪

♪ Can't be winnin' because I'm leavin' 'em critical ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ You want it with me ♪

♪ You better man the fuck up, be prepared to bleed ♪

♪ I come through a battle starrin', yes, indeed ♪

♪ I go in like I ain't ate in weeks ♪

♪ You're never the same I'm choppin' them things ♪

♪ I'm poppin' at rage you think I'm deranged ♪

♪ I'm thinkin' I'm sane ♪

♪ You think it's a game, although had an break ♪

♪ I don't think the same, I don't run against the grain ♪

♪ Knock 'em out the frame while I'm spittin' these flames ♪

♪ Get this verbal machine gun ♪

Phew.

Well, well, well.

What we have there folks is some mighty fine marijuana.

Why don't you let me hold that think just a second here?

See what's in here now?

♪ I got it all to gain and nothin' to lose ♪

♪ You got me to blame, I don't have to explain ♪

♪ You can see the gauge and it's pumpin' shells ♪

♪ I'm here to maim, are you not entertained ♪

Well, what's your name?

♪ Touch mics and fight for your life ♪

♪ Ooh yeah, this is verbal warfare ♪

♪ Maybe you're crazy enough to go there ♪

♪ Twista ♪

♪ Like entertainment for the emperor ♪

♪ Get served a subpoena for enterin' into the arena ♪

♪ Comin' like I'm a marine, a machine, I'm a demon ♪

♪ And Nina, we neither are conscious ♪

♪ Or fittin' my demeanor ♪

♪ King Leonidas, if he invite us, then he'll fight us ♪

♪ Up in the auditorium of the emporium ♪

♪ Or we will murder and massacre enemies ♪

♪ Whenever they up for challengin' a battle valedictorian ♪

♪ Verbal split 'em in critical like it's political ♪

♪ Your artillery killin' me, it's kinda pitiful ♪

♪ Who let you enter the octagon with the lyrical ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm takin' in it to proportions ♪

♪ That'll be biblical ♪

♪ Catastrophic, any move I'm makin' is pivotal ♪

♪ Spiritual, ain't no subliminal, my cloak ain't invisible ♪

♪ Violent individual, triumphant whenever I'm challengin' ♪

♪ I'm throwin' a javelin and I'mma get at you ♪

♪ General and a sergeant when I'm marchin' ♪

♪ I'm carvin' through the competition like I was heartless ♪

♪ H2's in the garages, goin' to war regardless ♪

♪ And we gon' be comin' through with barrages ♪

♪ And I'mma get Tech and speed it up if I have to ♪

♪ Arizona when I heat it up with The Raskal ♪

♪ A .50 Caliber for any challenger ♪

♪ With the style of a soldier ♪

And that's why you don't pass out at a mothafucking party.

Motha fucka.

♪ Man on a mission with ammunition in a position ♪

♪ To get commission if I kill 'em and blow 'em away ♪

♪ Try to come in here actin' like a fool, I'mma do ya ♪

♪ Show my gratitude with the attitude of a Ruger ♪

♪ If you die, who the hell care ♪

♪ It's verbal warfare ♪

♪ I pop one into your medulla ♪

♪ It's on on sight, run to the light ♪

♪ Touch mics and fight for your life ♪

♪ Ooh yeah, this is verbal warfare ♪

♪ Maybe you're crazy enough to go there ♪

♪ It's on on sight, run to the light ♪

♪ Touch mics and fight for your life ♪

♪ Ooh yeah, this is verbal warfare ♪

♪ Maybe you're crazy enough to go there ♪

Hey civilians.

I said, hey civilians.

Get your shit, and get the fuck out of my house.