Original subtitles

Come on, mother.

Come on.

(TIRES SQUEAKING)

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

MOSKOWITZ: Sorry about that screeching.

But you got low pressure tires.

Yeah. I know. Thank you. Battery needs chargin', too.

Okay. Fine, thank you.

Okay.

You want to sell it? Certainly I want to sell it.

Well, then give me it. You're blockin' the stand.

MOSKOWITZ: Give me the money.

Don't block the stand over here, will you? What do you mean?

MAN 1: Hello, Frank. How are you? MAN 2: Hi.

MAN: (IN MOVIE) And when you heard Thursby was shot, you knew.

Gutman was in town and you knew you needed another protector,

somebody to fill Thursby's boots.

So you came back to me.

(TEARILY) Yes. Oh, sweetheart, it wasn't only that.

I'd have come back to you sooner or later.

From the very first instant I saw you, I knew.

Well...

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(POUNDING)

(TAPPING)

(TAPPING CONTINUES)

(MAN VOCALIZING IN BACKGROUND)

MAN: Hello. What?

Cold out there?

My name's Morgan. Like to hear me sing a song? Yes. Getting that way.

I can dance. I give speeches.

What's your name?

Seymour. Moskowitz. Morgan Morgan.

I used to do this pretty easy at one time.

My elbow got fat over the years.

Do you like movies?

I just saw a movie called The Maltese Falcon. You ever see that?

Uh-uh. I don't care anything.

I don't know anything about cinema. I don't like it.

Bunch of lonely people going in, looking up. Forget about it.

MOSKOWITZ: You don't like Bogart?

I only like one. Wallace Beery.

WAITRESS: Okay, it'll be what?

I like Bogart.

A hot dog.

Uh, and a beer and a coffee.

WAITRESS: You want a beer and a coffee?

Yeah. A beer and a coffee and a hot dog with mustard.

And... Hey, miss!

Hey, miss, I didn't finish givin' you my order.

Everyday people. That's what's wrong with this world. We ought to get rid of them.

I didn't finish giving my order.

MORGAN: Well, that's what's wrong with the world, Listen to me.

Don't be frightened. You're just a kid. What do you know?

My wife died. I'm lonely.

I live in the same building for 28 years, walk-up, cold.

I helped build that GM stone monster up there, you know?

I'm scared to hell of heights. Ooh, boy.

But it doesn't bother me. I was close to paradise. That rhymes.

The wind is always blowin' and I'm spittin' down on the people.

(MIMICS SPITTING)

Nobody gets tough with me up there. Watch out.

I'm 48 years old.

I get naked.

I look at my big belly. My legs are getting skinny,

and my chest is getting big like a woman.

Life is going on, I'm not getting nowhere.

But I don't care. What the hell!

Fat, skinny, broad, wide...

I'm not a fashion model. (PATTING STOMACH)

Look at that la panza, huh? It took a lot of shit to build that up.

I say, "Morgan, what do you want, a million dollars?" No, siree,

not with taxes the way they are, oh, no!

You're smart. What nationality are you, son?

Moskowitz. That's Jewish. Moskowitz. Morgan. Welsh.

You don't know what Welsh is. That's Wales.

Yeah. Good people. Real good people.

They're quiet, though. They're sullen.

They cry, they laugh, they sing, they know.

I know. What? What do you know?

I know poems. I know rhymes. "Give to me the life I love Let the love go by me"

I know that it's hard to shave at night without soap.

I know it's hard to breathe at night without air.

I know. I know where my wife is buried.

I know where... I know a lot of things.

That's right, son.

Yep.

Tell me a joke. You know jokes?

Ah... No.

I'll tell you one. You ever hear...

(BANGS ON TABLE) I don't want to hear no jokes.

Don't listen to no jokes! But don't be a joke with me.

What do you do? What do you know? MOSKOWITZ: Nothin'.

Did you ever go by the zoo? Right around here?

No. Oh, you don't?

Ah! I used to sleep in the zoo.

My best friends are in the zoo, the polar bears, monkeys,

the wolves, the hyenas, the leopards...

And those go... (SPITS)

Hey. My wife died. Did you know her?

No, I told you I didn't know her. You asked me that.

WAITRESS: Now, what'll it be? I need the table.

I got a relationship going here with my son.

Screw. I need the table.

Get me some fresh water. Put a lot of ice in it.

MORGAN: How 'bout a bite?

Aw, gee, you're a swell fella.

Mmm. Mmm.

Gee, that was good.

WAITRESS: Look, are you gonna order? I need that table!

Toothpick for me. I lose a lot of teeth here. I should give you a bill.

About 25 of my lowers are gone.

Morgan.

Oh, no. I couldn't do that. No, look.

I have to work for my money. I didn't work. I didn't say one poem.

"Bed in the bush with stars to see Bread I dip in the river."

"There's the man for a lamb like me There's the man forever."

"White as meal the frosty field Warm the fireside haven."

"Not the summer will I yield Not to winter, even."

"Then I pressed the shell close to my ear."

Come back, son and listen to the rest of the poem.

Treat your father with respect!

What can I bring you? God damn it!

Buffalo Bill is defunct.

He used to ride silver smooth stallions... A nice hot dog, huh?

...who could shoot clay pigeons... Would you like a hot dog?

You've got a lot of freckles. My wife had 'em, right on her ass.

Get out of here. Leave me alone.

WOMAN: No kidding!

Oh, my...

MAN: Watch your bananas!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

MOSKOWITZ: Hey. Remember me?

No, I don't. Seymour. Yeah, you do.

Seymour Moskowitz. Seymour, this is my husband.

How are you, Seymour? MOSKOWITZ: You remember me. I know. Ginger.

No, I'm sorry. This is my wife. This isn't Ginger.

MOSKOWITZ: Look at me. Do you know this fella?

No, I... MOSKOWITZ: You don't remember me?

No! No, man, I don't know you.

I'm sorry. MOSKOWITZ: That's what I said. You don't remember me.

(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) MOSKOWITZ: I don't speak that shit.

MAN: We got the white? We got the white frost?

MAN: White frost. Remember that, it's the best one.

White frost. Come here. I don't like him.

Oh, white frost. Hello.

Excuse me.

Sorry. It was only a little drink.

MOSKOWITZ: Excuse me. MAN: Right on.

WOMAN: Excuse me. No. Stop it. MAN: You know him?

MAN: Come on. Stop what?

I know that girl. No, you don't.

You know me. No, I don't.

Think about it. Neighborhood. You know me.

I don't know you. You heard what she said.

MOSKOWITZ: Sugar daddy. Whoo. Hello!

Don't be playing around with everybody.

Hello. I'm Seymour.

Moskowitz. How are you? Hello, man.

Can I have a drink? WOMAN: Sure.

MAN: Be cool, baby.

I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry.

Hey, I'm sorry.

It's cool. MAN: Uh-oh.

Smoky Joe, baby. Come on, Muhammad.

Come on, mother, come on. (WOMAN SCREAMS)

Hello.

Hello.

Hello!

MOSKOWITZ: Hello. Can I buy you a drink?

I don't drink with strangers.

Me a stranger?

In this place? Look at me.

Seymour Moskowitz.

Who are you?

You're Irish. I could tell that by the red of your hair and the blue of your eye.

And for that, I'll buy you a drink.

Oh, Christ.

What's it gonna be, gentlemen?

MAN: Get him out of here.

MAN: Put him out the door!

(GRUNTING AND COUGHING)

(HITTING) (COUGHING)

MOSKOWITZ: You chickenshit son-of-a-bitches!

Oh, not you, Irish.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hello, Mommy.

(SCREAMING)

(MOSKOWITZ LAUGHING) Come in, sweetheart.

I'm so happy to see you!

(SMOOCHES)

You're so wonderful. You're so wonderful.

I got soup, I got salad, meat.

And your favorite. Potato pancakes?

Nope. The boiled meat.

You said that, Mom. You said meat.

Smell good? (SNIFFS) Smells delicious.

I love the smell. Come in the kitchen and look at it.

Here. Come in. Come in.

SHEBA: Here, give me the flowers.

Ah! Where did you get these big flowers?

I don't have a vase big enough for these big flowers!

What did you do, get these gigantic flowers?

What's wrong?

You feel good?

Yeah. I feel fine, Mom.

You were hungry. I'm always hungry.

You need money. I'm going to California.

Eat your food.

Eat your food.

Will you eat your food?

Are you listening to me? Eat your food!

Do you want me to get angry?

Do you want me to lose my temper? Now, eat. Eat!

Would you do me a favor and sit up here and eat?

I'm so sorry.

Come on, open your mouth.

Open your mouth. Will you please open your mouth?

Would you open your mouth?

I'm sorry. I know how terrible it must be.

My name is Mrs. Grass and my daughter, Michelle.

I know how terrible it must be to be in between the squabbling.

But if she doesn't eat, she's not gonna be strong and healthy,

and she's not gonna be pretty!

Now, eat this carrot.

Do you hear me? Eat this carrot!

Sit up. Sit up, Michelle. Now, eat.

No! One bite for Mommy.

No.

Darling, help me out here.

You know who Bugs Bunny is? Yes.

What's up, Doc?

(CRUNCHING)

(GIGGLING) You took my carrot!

You give me back my carrot!

(LAUGHING) Oh, I'm so sorry.

Place available right away? Yes.

(SIREN WAILS)

(DOOR CREAKING OPEN)

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS)

Did you like the picture?

I always love Humphrey Bogart.

And I love Claude Rains. Yeah.

But... Do you want to stay for the next picture? No.

Then let's go. (CLEARS THROAT)

WOMAN: Can you see, Florence? Let me do it for you. FLORENCE: Okay.

(DOG BARKING)

WOMAN: There we go. There.

FLORENCE: Take care of your head.

(DOOR SHUTS)

FLORENCE: Put your coat on the table. Okay.

FLORENCE: Now, what do you want to eat?

What you got? FLORENCE: Go look in the icebox.

Okay.

Ooh. (SIGHS)

You have any bread? We could make some toast.

Bread? I've been going out to eat mostly.

Yeah. I know the feeling.

I have some wine. Oh.

How about some wine? Don't you have a little coffee?

No, I don't. I'm completely out of coffee.

Come on, the wine's a good idea.

WOMAN: Okay.

(SIGHS)

FLORENCE: You know that movie?

I liked it and I didn't like it.

I liked him, but I didn't like her.

FLORENCE: (LAUGHING) You know, those black and white movies, they give me a headache.

(LAUGHING)

(BOTH SIGH)

Florence.

Florence, are you still romantic?

I sure am.

WOMAN: I mean, I never know, when someone reaches your age,

whether they still have any real need to be loved.

I sure do.

Do you still do it? Yes.

Yeah.

I'm... I'm sorry. It's a terrible question,

but I... I really did want to know.

Does it diminish, Florence?

Does it go away?

Sometimes.

And I get very frustrated.

And, um...

I don't know whether it's the sex thing...

Or whether it's being alone

that makes me so frustrated.

After a while, I just don't know.

You know, with me,

it just seems like I get more so.

You know? I get more aroused,

more willing to give of myself.

I mean, Florence, you know that

the world is full of silly asses

who just crave your body. I mean, not just your body.

I mean, they want your...

Your... Your soul.

Your heart, your mind...

Your everything. They just can't live until they get it.

And then they get it...

And you know, Florence, they don't really want it.

They're just crazy.

Yeah. You betcha.

You know, in the movies it's never like that.

You know, I think that movies are a conspiracy?

I mean it.

I mean it. They...

They are actually a conspiracy,

because they set you up, Florence.

They set you up from the time you're a little kid.

They set you up to believe in everything.

They set you up to believe in, uh, ideals

and, and, and strength

and good guys and romance

and, uh...

And of course, love.

Love, Florence. Love?

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

So, you believe it, right?

You go out, you start looking.

It doesn't happen, you keep looking.

You get a job, like us,

and you spend a lot of time fixing up things.

Your apartment and jazz and...

And, uh...

And you learn how to be feminine.

You know, quotes "feminine."

You learn how to cook.

(EXHALES)

There's no Charles Boyer in my life, Florence.

You know?

I never even met a Charles Boyer.

I never met Clark Gable, I never met

Humphrey Bogart. I never met any of them.

You know who I mean. They don't exist, Florence. That's the truth.

But the movies set you up, you know?

They set you up,

and no matter how bright you are, you believe it.

And Florence,

do you know that we're bright?

No, I know that sounds... (BOTH CHUCKLE)

Florence, we're geniuses compared to some of 'em. Yeah.

Isn't that crazy? Yes.

That's really funny. That's crazy.

I mean, you go to the movies and...

(HORN HONKS)

Just a minute.

The cab is here, Minnie. Get your coat.

(BOTH) Oh! Oh!

Florence, I have no equilibrium.

FLORENCE: Well, I don't have much, either.

I'm not going down those stairs because it's just too dark.

Well, I had a terrific time, Florence,

and I really needed it too.

Why don't you let me call that man? Oh, no.

Come on. He's a friend of, uh... Jimmy's.

It wouldn't hurt for you to go to lunch with him.

You have lunch with him, if you want to have lunch.

I gotta go.

Ooh!

You did it again.

(LAUGHING)

What did you put in that wine, Florence?

(LAUGHING) Dynamite.

That's some Cucamonga wine.

I'll see you, Florence. Oh, good night.

I had a wonderful time.

Excuse me. I'm very sorry. Oh, that's okay.

(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)

Thank you very much. That's all right.

That's all right. Thank you.

Okay. Good. You don't have to get out.

I'm fine. I'm fine. Just sit down. I'm fine.

I'm just fine. I don't need any help at all.

Um, okay, how much do I owe you?

$1.35.

Listen, what do you consider a really good tip?

Oh, 20, 25 percent.

Twenty-five percent of $1.35 is, uh...

Just give me a quarter, lady.

Okay. Here, I'll give you $2,

and then you give me, you know, whatever it is.

Okay. Okay. Thank you.

Good night. You're welcome.

Whew.

(HORN HONKS)

(RADIO PLAYING MUSIC)

(SINGING) * And the moment that

* I feel that

* you feel that

* way (PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

Yeah. Got home fine.

Feel fine.

Okay, darling, I'll see you tomorrow.

And listen, thank you. I had a...

* And the moment that I

* feel.

MINNIE: Hey.

No, come on...

(MINNIE GASPING)

MAN: I don't want you to lie to me about being drunk.

I don't want you to lie to me about darling, you understand me?

Don't move!

MAN: Get up. Go ahead, get up.

Sit up.

Sit up.

Now, drink this.

Drink it. You'll feel better.

(SCREAMS) No!

(MINNIE SOBBING)

MAN: Whoa!

That's enough. Hey!

That's enough. Oh!

That's...

(LAUGHING) That's... That's enough.

That's enough. Oh...

Don't you touch me.

Hey, Minnie.

I hate you.

You're not the man I fell in love with.

The man I fell in love with could never hit me.

Look what you did to me. Look... My God. (CHUCKLING)

Don't you come near me. Don't you come...

Look, I'm down on my knees to you.

Here. I'm up on my knees to you.

I'm up on my lip to you. I, uh...

(SIGHS)

I love you.

What is it? You want to punch me? Here. Here, punch me.

Here. Punch me.

Go ahead, hit me. Come on, come on.

Whoa!

I love you. I swear to God I love you. I love you.

I'm just jealous. I can't help it. Jealous?

Yeah. Jealous of what?

Jealous of all the great big times I'm having?

I have to go.

Please don't go.

I feel so insecure tonight.

Please hold me.

Oh. Oh, please don't go.

MINNIE: (SINGING) * I love you truly

* Truly dear

* Life with its sorrows

* Life with its tears

I have to go.

Wait a minute, I'll walk you.

Hi. Good morning.

Hmm.

What, you getting stoned?

That's a nice robe.

Is that a new robe?

No.

BOY 1: Morning, Dad. BOY 2: Hi, Dad.

BOY 1: Who wants the Frosted Flakes?

BOY 2: Wow, great game last night. MAN: Yeah?

Only somebody we know wasn't there. What happened?

You were late coming home. Yeah?

Where was you? Where was I?

What kind of English is that?

You missed such a great game.

Huh? BOY 1: You missed a great game.

Dad, it's Mom. She's on the bathroom floor, crying.

Florence, how could you call somebody without permission?

Oh, I'm sorry.

You call a perfect stranger on the telephone and tell him you're me?

I'm sorry. You know I'm in love with somebody else.

I'll tell you. I'm not gonna go.

All right. I'm not gonna go. I hate him.

I'll tell him. I'll tell him, Florence.

Okay. I'll tell him.

Hello. My name is Minnie Moore.

I understand we're supposed to have a lunch date.

Hi. I'm Zelmo. Zelmo Swift.

I'm a friend of Earl's. You know, my cousin Earl?

Gee, I'm charmed by you. You know that?

I've been dyin' to meet you for years and years.

Where shall we go to lunch?

You're tall and lovely. How tall and lovely are you?

I'm five feet six. Let's go to lunch.

Wow. (LAUGHS)

Wow!

ZELMO: Hey, park it conveniently. We're going to have a fast lunch. Okay?

Right.

Good. That's okay. Leave the bottle.

WAITER: (SPEAKS ITALIAN) Okay. Fine. Thank you.

To the human heart.

To the human heart.

It's good.

Minnie, tell me about yourself.

I can't.

(SCOFFS)

You can't tell me about yourself?

No. I really can't.

Well, tell me something. Anything.

Something where I can get to know you.

Well, I'm single, I live alone and I, uh,

I work at the museum.

That's it? That's all there is?

That's not much to go on, is it?

Can't you tell me something else?

Let me tell you, all right?

Let's see, now. You weren't born here.

You were born in the north. Right? Am I right?

You were born from, uh... New York to Wisconsin.

Near Canada.

And both your parents are alive.

How about that?

Well, that's a dumb thing to say.

What is? I mean, my father's dead.

Oh, no. Gee, I'm sorry.

No. I don't mean it's your fault.

I mean, when you're guessing it's a dumb thing to say...

Actually, it was very perceptive.

Are you, uh, clairvoyant or anything?

You funny? You putting me on?

No, really. I was born in New York, in Niagara Falls.

In Niagara Falls? In the Falls?

Oh, no. I was born in...

In New York, near the Falls.

You're terrific. What a terrific sense of humor you got. You know that?

Oh, what a lovely person. You know, I would say...

I'd say you're very romantically inclined.

True?

Yes, it's true. I knew that.

I know. You don't take romance lightly.

If you fall in love with a man it has to be for keeps.

Am I right?

Yes, you're absolutely right, Zelmo.

You know, now that I screwed that up,

what do we drink to? Let's drink to something.

Zelmo, let's drink to happiness.

Okay, let's drink... Let's drink to you and to your happiness.

You know, you're a very lovely person. Do you know that?

How come you called me?

When you called me, what made you call me?

No, you don't have to answer that. That's all right.

I understand.

You know, I don't go out much. Did you know that?

I'm actually scared of women. You must be frightened of men too, huh?

I don't know what to say to them, to women.

I say, "Hello, how are you?"

I say anything I can think of,

but I don't say anything. Not really.

I'm a loner. I'm always alone.

My interests are in Keats, Shelley, Swinburne, Shakespeare,

Marlowe, Wordsworth,

opera, poetry, music.

Did you know I was reading since I was twelve years old?

I wear glasses now, I read so much.

That's funny. I would've sworn you were a businessman.

Nah, I hate business, Minnie, hate it.

It's funny, because I'm a rich man.

But I hate making money.

I don't know what to do with it.

I wake up in the morning, I say, "Zelmo",

"oh, Zelmo, what are you gonna do with all your money?"

What can I do with my money?

I don't know.

I give it to charity, I give it to friends.

I buy a big house, I take vacations.

From what, I don't know. But I go on, I go on.

I'm not married anymore.

I was married to a...

Actually, she was a very rare woman.

We didn't have any children, so it didn't last long.

I mean...

I made a big mistake on our wedding night, you know?

Personal stuff.

Minnie, you know, you're very easy to talk to. You know that?

You look like you care about me.

You know, that's a rare quality to have. A terrific quality.

You know, the people that listen continuously are much more fascinating

than the people that talk.

Look at your eyes. They're so moist.

You're so sensitive. That's a terrific quality.

Very rare today. Very rare today. You know that?

Uh... Zelmo...

I'm all confused. You've got me confused. I don't know...

I can't think clearly when you're around.

You know, I'm a very lonely man.

If I could find someone it could be you.

Someone that had your qualities. Someone that when I took her hand,

she wouldn't pull it away.

Zelmo, let's order, because it's really very late.

Look at your hands, they're so delicate.

You know, they're so sensitive. Do you know that...

I can tell everything you're thinking by the way you're flickin' your fingers.

Minnie, you know what my trouble is?

I've got hair down my back and on my chest and down my arms.

But not on my legs. My legs are very smooth.

Oh, geez. What am I... I'm embarrassing you.

No, no. That's Okay. I...

Listen, I'm going to have the veal piccata.

Gee, I don't know why I can't get that feeling across to you.

I can't get you to feel what I'm feeling. It's very hard.

It is very hard.

Listen, my wife died, so I'm not divorced.

Zelmo, I don't want to hurt you, but...

How can you hurt me?

Well, I mean, uh...

Everything that you're saying to me, I know it must be very painful to you.

And, uh... I made you uneasy, didn't I?

Zelmo, I just want you to know

that I have absolutely no personal interest in you.

I really just wanted to have lunch.

I think we'd better go. I'm terribly sorry.

Lunch.

Oh, Jesus. With blondes!

Blondes!

What is it with you blondes?

You all have some Swedish suicide impulse? Huh?

I took a blonde to lunch once, next thing you know she wanted me to kick her.

I said, me kick you? For what?

What's that supposed to be, something?

Hey, check. Gimme my check.

Here. Here's my credit card. Take my credit card.

Another time in Trenton, New Jersey, this friend of mine says to me,

"Why don't you go out with this girl?" I said, "All right. I'll go out with her."

She's got three kids. We come back to her place.

I says, "Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. You got three kids."

She says, "That's all right. We just lie down and relax."

I says, "You want me to sleep with you? You out of your mind?"

"With those three kids? Are you crazy or somethin'?"

Hey, you wait right there. Wait there for me.

Here, I'll leave you the tip cash.

Now, you don't go away. Hold it.

Come back here. Come back here.

Come here.

ZELMO: Hey!

What? Get the Caprice.

Chevy, right? ZELMO: Yeah, the Chevy. Get it.

All right, I didn't hear you, that's all, I didn't hear you.

(CAR ENGINE STARTS)

MINNIE: I'm already in love with somebody.

There you go again, confusing me. What is it with you?

You tell me you're in love with somebody else.

I just wanted to take you out.

Bleached blonde, 90-dollar-a-week worker.

I just wanted to take you out.

Give you an education. Show you there's love and understanding in the world.

You tell me you're in love with somebody else. What do I want to hear that for?

Shut that door. SEYMOUR: What?

I'm not takin' her with me. Want me to get her a cab?

I don't care what you get. Shut it.

Hey, don't worry about that creep. I'll get you a cab.

Just tell me where you're goin', 'cause they got to have an address.

Thank you. I...

I think I'll just stay here a couple of minutes.

Sure.

ZELMO: Hey! Hey, you whore!

Hey! Hey, man.

Hey. Up your behind.

Up your behind, up your behind!

Let go of me!

ZELMO: Parking lot creep!

No!

Oh! Oh, you son-of-a-bitch.

(ZELMO WHIMPERS)

ZELMO: What the hell did I do?

(SOBBING) What did I do?

(ENGINE RUNNING)

SEYMOUR: Come on, you gonna get' in? (ZELMO SOBBING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Incredible. Boy, what a face.

What a face with blood on it. Ha!

I mean, I... To Pearl Harbor a guy... You okay?

Yeah. Yeah, you're okay. I'm terrific.

I mean, I feel terrific.

Not particularly because I hurt the guy, or I like to do that,

but I feel terrific, you know?

MINNIE: Thank you. You're welcome.

You're beautiful.

You really are. You're beautiful.

These are good. Eat 'em. I tell ya,

they're Pink's hot dogs. They're really good.

May I see those glasses? They're fantastic.

How does my nose look?

He caught me a shot.

You're not afflicted, are you?

Huh? I mean, you're not deaf? You talk?

Oh, no. I'm sorry. I'm... I'm a

li'l bit shaky. I don't know.

Oh.

Lean on my shoulder.

Oh, that's nice.

Hey!

Oh... Please.

Oh, listen...

I... Excuse me.

You're kidding me. Hey.

Hey!

Hey, where are you goin'? Hey, cut it out.

Cut what out? Where're you goin'?

I got to go to work. Do you know where you're at? Where you're going?

Listen, I'm just about to burst into tears. I'm not kidding. I'm sorry.

I've got to go.

(GROANS)

(HORN BLARES)

(HORN CONTINUES)

(HORN CONTINUES)

Get in the car. No!

Get in the car. No, no, no!

Get in here. No!

Hey! What the hell!

Hey! Sit down.

See, watch the bus.

You must be crazy. You bust my nose.

Well, sorry about your nose, but that's it.

Sorry? You sound sorry.

Get my handkerchief out of my back pocket. Come on.

Do what I tell you, or I'll wrap us both up, dammit.

Yuck!

Oh, no sense of humor. Absolutely none.

You're disgusting.

You don't know beans from Boston.

You have no timing.

Do everything you're told, for Christ sake.

Do you smile when you're hurt?

Get back there and don't move. I'll bust ya.

God, I'll bust ya, man.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Minnie Moore. Minnie Moore.

I gotta be a dummy to get myself wrapped up for a Minnie Moore.

Man, I knew a fat girl in New York

with big, beautiful blue eyes.

I know a 50-year-old dye worker with three grandchildren

that's got more on the ball than you have.

Or will ever have. Ha!

Why don't you just let me out? Right. Where?

Tell me where. At the LA County Museum.

Gotcha. Let's go. Pleasure.

Goodbye. Oh, yeah?

Minnie, you're late. I know. I know. What time is it?

You're 27 minutes late and Mr. Jefferson was in.

Well, that figures. Also, Jim is here.

This is, uh... This is my son, Ned.

How do you do?

Minnie Moore, this is my son, Ned.

MINNIE: I don't understand.

Look, I better handle this alone, son, if you don't mind.

Why don't you go over here?

I won't be too long.

Where you gonna be? Right over here.

He's a great kid. What's wrong?

Don't make it tough on me. I'm not gonna bother you anymore.

Helen tried to kill herself last night.

The kids got up.

Ned was in the middle of the whole thing.

So? I can't tell you what it was like.

She tried to cut her wrists in front of everyone.

Blood was everywhere.

That's why I brought the boy here.

Let him see his father face you and tell you it's over.

Does she know you've got that boy down here?

I love you. I love you.

Are you kidding?

Let me give you some money. Here.

I keep remembering the laughs we had.

I keep remembering that.

Hey, you owe me an apology.

You got my nose busted, you lost my job,

you stiffed me for a hot dog.

Oh! Hey!

Oooh.

Hold on.

Excuse me. I...

You need somethin' to eat. Come on. I'll buy it for you.

No. Yeah, you do. I can see it.

Come on.

Okay.

(CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)

SEYMOUR: Come on.

Here. Come on.

Watch the food in a place like this.

They have no turnover so they hold it a week, maybe two weeks. Right?

Right.

Check the menu. I bet they serve a lot of stews and goulashes.

Good evening. May I help you?

Yes, I'd like a beer to start. One beer.

What do you want? Vermouth cassis.

Vermouth cassis. What's that?

Vermouth cassis?

It's a type of beverage. Sorry, honey, I don't know what it is.

What is it? It's, uh...

It's just dry vermouth with a little cassis.

Right. That's it.

Let me get this clear. Tell me, honey, do you put ice in it?

Tell it to the bartender and he'll fix it for you. Okay?

I'm just trying to find out if you put ice in it.

Well, ask the bartender. That's his job.

And don't look at me like that.

Don't look at me like that or I'll get up.

Car. Uh... The truck.

Yes, sir, you got your ticket? Thank you.

Be right with you, sir. SEYMOUR: "Sir"?

(ENGINE STARTING)

(LOUD SCRAPING) Hey!

Hey, man. Hey!

Sorry about that brick wall, sir.

Good night. There's no tip necessary. Thank you.

People just don't like their work, man.

They can't do their jobs. They have no respect for cars.

They don't like people. What the hell they livin' for?

There. That looks like a...

No, no. I don't like the looks of that joint. Forget it.

Hold on, I'm gonna make a U-turn.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

It costs more to park your car than it does to eat.

You got parking lot of the brain. Yeah.

My brain's a parking lot.

You're a funny guy.

I don't think of myself as funny.

That's why I'm funny. If you think of yourself as funny,

you become tragic. Really. I know a lot of guys who think they're funny.

They have tremendous pressure on them to be funny.

I knew a guy used to stand in front of a mirror, make funny faces.

Practiced his timing.

Hell, all you have to do to have a good time is just be yourself.

What do you want? Could I have a menu?

No, we don't have a menu. Everything's up on the sign.

I'll have the chili beans and two hot dogs.

Do you have malteds? We sure do.

Okay. I'll have one. That's with vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup.

Not chocolate ice cream and vanilla syrup. Got that?

You go somewhere and order a malted, they always get it wrong.

Would you just tell me what you want?

Look, just make it any way you want.

You know, before I met you, I thought I was in trouble.

It's annoying living. You not only have to learn their language,

you have to learn their emotions.

Well... Well, nothing. It's true.

You know what I like about you?

You like me?

You talk about practical things.

You talk about eating,

you talk about spending money, you talk about cars.

And that's it. Are you kidding?

I talk about everything, except what I want to talk about.

I mean, when I first looked at you I...

I said, "There she is. That's the girl."

"That's the girl I'm in love with."

And that was the first time I looked at you.

(MUMBLING)

Salt. Hey, you got any salt?

Spill those goddamn beans on my pants.

I usually eat alone.

In fact, I usually eat in my shorts.

I don't get it. I don't know if you're dumb or what.

You got me so off-balance, I'm spilling things on my pants.

I'm worried about the way I eat. I talk to you, you don't listen.

It cost me a fortune to buy that malted milk,

It cost me a fortune to park the car to take you out.

What is it with you?

I don't get depressed. You got a way of depressing me.

You put your sunglasses on at night.

I never missed with anyone before, not if I was turning it on.

And I'm turning it on. Are you ready?

No. Are you through? Yeah, I'm through.

Well, I'm not ready. I'm not through.

You get me beat up, and I lose my job.

And you, you look so beautiful.

So pretty.

I guess I'm sayin' this for nothin'.

I mean, it's all over between us.

What's all over between us? Whatever.

You got a way of lookin' down on people,

of thinkin' that you're better than they are.

Actually, you're just a girl with good looks.

But it's so damned depressing to sit with someone who takes themselves so seriously.

Good night.

(HORN BLARING)

Mmm.

You didn't give me time.

Just a minute.

Well, yeah. Right.

Well, it's the same old story.

Then...

Then I get this other guy and I stay with him for a while.

And then...

I roomed with this girl, right?

She hates eggs.

I love 'em.

That's a problem when you're living

with someone that hates eggs.

She can't stand 'em.

I loved them boiled, scrambled,

any way you can eat 'em. Raw.

Anywhere. But every time I'm cooking an egg,

she has to leave the room.

So then I said, "Okay."

I figure, boy, I need a rest.

I really need a rest.

So it's Sacramento, here I come.

I have to see my mother.

I mean, she can't pay the gas bill,

she can't pay the light bill,

she can't... She can't pay any bill.

You know? Huh?

Do you really know what I'm saying?

No.

No?

You don't know what I'm saying?

Why are you so sweet?

(SEYMOUR LAUGHS)

You are really sweet.

You're tender, you're nice,

you're too kind.

GIRL: Hey, thanks. Sorry to get you up so early,

but by the time I go home, take a shower and take care of myself, you know,

it'll be that time. So who cares, right?

Thanks.

(HONKS HORN)

(BANGING ON DOOR)

All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right!

(SIGHS)

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Seymour, I don't know what it is with me.

I just don't feel as much as I used to.

No, cut it out.

I mean, I have trouble crying, and I sure never had that trouble before.

Thanks, buddy. You're a nice guy.

You're a nice girl. No, no.

No, really, you're a nice guy.

You're really a nice girl. Cut it out.

Hey!

Just listen a minute.

Hey, give me another cigarette.

You know...

It's being tired, mainly. Just, uh, tired.

And I don't like men. They smile too much. You see a lot of teeth.

I'm having trouble...

I'm having trouble being myself.

I'm having trouble...

Feeling what it is that's right.

I mean, what it is to do.

Like being alone.

Should I go out, or should I just relax to it?

What do you think?

I...

Everything used to make me feel like smiling, you know?

I, uh...

I notice I don't smile.

I don't smile as much as I used to.

Did you ever notice that?

And did you ever notice that it's...

It's an effort to breathe sometimes?

Because the air just isn't light enough.

You see, my friend... Seymour...

I don't have any real problems of any size.

It's mainly being alone that makes me so irritated.

Do you know,

I hear room tone when I'm alone. I...

I hear frequencies.

Noises like, just like the bathtub running,

or the sink or distant traffic, that irritates me.

God knows why.

Because when I'm with somebody, I want to get away.

There are not too many people that thrill me.

I'm not very sociable.

Even somebody light bores me.

Somebody heavy depresses me.

So, you're right. I, I do look down.

I look at you.

I look at you and I say this,

"What can this poor guy want with someone like me?"

Everything. Everything.

I'm very uncomfortable.

It's hot, isn't it?

Nope. Would you like a cup of tea?

No. Some eggs?

No. A drink?

No.

What a lovely night that was. Yeah.

Wasn't it a lovely night? Yeah.

I talked to a taxi driver.

I didn't look down on him.

I admire people who are straight, you know?

I admire people who...

People who work and can really feel.

You know what I mean? Yeah.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

(BOTH MOANING)

(SOBBING)

Oh, I'm sorry. It's not you. It's me.

Oh, Minnie. (SOBBING)

Oh, Minnie.

I'm a terrific guy. You don't know me.

But I'm a good person. You're gonna find that out, Minnie.

I'm clean. I'm a clean guy. (SOBBING CONTINUES)

And I'm gonna see that you're gonna be all right.

You're gonna sleep.

I'll watch you sleep, Minnie. I'm watchin' ya.

Boy, do you sleep nice.

Oh, what a nice sleeper you are, Minnie.

What a great sleeper you are.

Excuse me.

Good evening. I'll Just have a cup of black coffee for now.

Black coffee? Is that all? I don't know yet.

I'm waiting for someone. I don't know if he's coming. I'll be back in a minute.

Just take a look at the menu and see what you want to order.

Lovely cool evening, isn't it?

Miss, would it be possible for you

to bring two of those hot fudge sundaes, in exactly ten minutes?

Could I place an order like that?

Yes. I'll be with you in just one minute.

Where's a telephone booth?

(DISHES RATTLING)

(HUMMING)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello. Hello.

Who's that?

This is Minnie.

Are you hungry? Where are you?

I'm in an ice cream parlor.

Where the hell are you?

Dammit, Minnie, you're gonna drive me crazy. Where are you?

Look, buddy,

don't swear at me.

If you want to ask me where I am,

if you want to keep it romantic, otherwise...

(HORN HONKS AND BRAKES SCREECH)

Minnie!

You're unbelievable, you are. Absolutely.

WAITRESS: Two hot fudge sundaes, right on time.

Perfect.

WAITRESS: There we are.

Look. It's on me. SEYMOUR: What's on you?

No, don't do that. Don't do that, now.

What's on you?

I just thought we'd have some ice cream.

Why? What for?

I think it's funny to have ice cream in an ice cream parlor.

I just think it's funny. That's right.

Okay. I get it.

It's like meeting under a clock.

It's, uh, maybe proof that I would do anything for you.

Even eat ice cream. Right?

I don't know.

Okay. I'll eat ice cream.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Cold. It's good.

You know you look like Lauren Bacall from the side.

You do.

Want some more popcorn? No.

Just put your hand in my hand. Don't... Just put it there.

MAN: (IN MOVIE) A good idea for you to disappear from Casablanca for a while.

The garrison over at Brazzaville.

Oh, Minnie, you've got a terrific body.

I love your skin. It's so warm.

Yours is smooth, you know? Really smooth.

You know what I love?

Do you? No. What?

Hairy legs. Oh!

(WALTZ PLAYS)

(SHUTS OFF MUSIC)

Oh, boy.

Oh!

Oh, Minnie.

You all right?

I'm fine.

I dropped... Do you see it? I dropped my cigarette. Watch it.

Is that it? Yeah.

You're cold.

I'm just trying to project a week from now.

A day from now.

Oh, Seymour,

I'm just too old for you.

I only know I feel something.

I just can't see myself here.

Minnie...

It's not me, finding love in a car, you know?

What the hell are you thinking about?

What do you have to think for?

I get to thinking, I go crazy, man. You know? So I don't think.

If it overloads me, I run.

You don't believe me?

Minnie! You gotta run, Minnie.

God. Minnie, you've gotta run.

No.

See? And then you get those thoughts out of your head. You know?

That's strength.

And it's important. Without it, you're...

Get in.

(HORN BEEPS)

(HORN HONKING)

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

No. No, it will never work.

What? What did you say?

It's not just you. It's what you do.

I don't want to go dancing. I'm not ready for that.

You're not ready for dancing? What are you, kidding?

Cut it out. Hey!

It's wrong. My clothes are wrong. You're wrong.

Here, wear this. I don't want your jacket.

Put it on. I don't want your jacket.

Put it on.

(SIGHS) Don't put my coat in your car.

No one's gonna steal your coat. Who wants that? Nobody wants that coat.

MINNIE: No, let...

Look, Seymour...

Look, Seymour!

Look, okay, let's have a talk.

Let's just sit down, have a quiet talk.

All right, sit up.

SEYMOUR: You think I'm an idiot, huh? Stop it!

Goddammit. Come here.

Seymour!

SEYMOUR: Look, I think about you so much

I forget to go to the bathroom.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, Seymour, we have nothing in common.

I know it.

And don't look at me like that.

I'm always gonna look at you like that. I'm always gonna look at you like that.

I don't care if we're together 500 years.

I'm always gonna be excited by you.

To me, you're always gonna be new. So that's it.

And I'm telling ya, I look at other women and I'm with them,

and you know something?

It's nothing.

Aw, Seymour, you're such a nice guy.

Oh, bull!

Let me see that face again.

Seymour, it's not the right face.

That's not the face I dreamed of.

That... You're not the guy I'm in love with.

I can't do those dances. What dances?

It's very important to me that I'm not humiliated in there.

Well, don't worry about it. You're with me.

If you don't want to go dancin', we don't have to go dancin', okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Just... Ouch. Ooh. See?

Hey. Will you cut it out? Just knock it off.

For Christ sake we're not in high school.

Can we go in and have a good time?

All right.

Come on.

Come on. Seymour, I can't.

You can.

Just do it. Get out there and do it.

Go on.

Do it. Listen to me.

Don't go away.

(UPBEAT JAZZ PLAYS ON RADIO)

(SLOWER TEMPO JAZZ PLAYS)

Minnie, you dance. Boy, do you dance.

I do. Oh, I know you do.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: I have a story out of the Chamber of Commerce...

Minnie, damn it, let me get the rad...

Minnie, I've got to get the radio...

Goddamn, you did it again, Seymour!

You're nuts.

You're absolutely nuts. Anybody ever tell you that?

Well, you're pretty good, though.

Yeah. You did.

Here's my jacket. Thanks.

MAN: Minnie.

Marie.

Oh, Mrs. Borgella. Minnie. This is my husband Ed,

and Dick I believe you already know.

Dick Henderson, we met at the museum once.

Oh, yes, of course. How are you?

Fine. Thank you.

Marie, Ed and I have been out on the town,

and we decided that we wanted to see how the other half lives.

You're looking beautiful, Minnie.

Oh, the coat. It's cold and I borrowed it.

Shall we go in now?

Would you like to join us, Minnie?

No, I wouldn't. I mean, I can't.

Uh, maybe I'll see you inside later.

Okay. Let's go inside. Love to see you for a drink, Minnie.

MINNIE: All right, thank you.

See you later, Minnie. MINNIE: Yes, thank you.

Oh, Seymour, I'm sorry. I forgot their names,

and by the time I remembered it was too late.

It's okay. I understand.

You meet someone that you know but you don't know them that well...

Introductions embarrass me. Come on, cut it out, will you?

Just knock it off.

You wouldn't even introduce me and you apologized for my jacket.

Minnie, Marie would like you to come in with us.

We're not doing much, but we'd enjoy your company.

Well, I, uh...

Is everything all right? Yes. Yes!

Well, what are you standing out here for?

Well, actually I'm not alone.

Seymour, this is Dick, uh...

Henderson.

Excuse me, Dick, I want to go home.

Do you have any transportation?

(TIRES SQUEAL AND HORN BLARES)

Could you drop me off, please? I would appreciate it.

Be my pleasure.

I'm right here.

Thank you very much for bringing me home.

You have something that belongs to me.

No, listen. Oh, no.

Minnie, this guy's crazy. No. No!

Stop it! No. Don't do that.

Stop it, Dick. Dick, stop it!

Seymour, I'm going to call the police.

I'm going to call the police.

DICK: This is stupid, boy. Cut it out.

DICK: Just take it easy.

DICK: Just take it easy. MINNIE: Seymour, don't.

No! No!

No, No. Don't.

Stop it, Dick. No.

No. Get off of him.

Stop it. Leave him alone.

You're gonna kill him. Stop it. Just stop it.

Oh. Stop it.

Don't you do it. Dick, don't do it.

Seymour...

Make one move and I'll belt you.

Minnie.

Minnie, I'm awful sorry.

Are you all right? Yeah.

You sure?

Would you go home now, please?

DICK: Gee, I'm awful sorry. That's all right.

Gee, I'm awful sorry. (PANTING) That's all right.

MINNIE: Oh. (PANTING)

Minnie. Oh, Minnie.

Minnie, I'm sorry. Seymour!

SEYMOUR: Oh, my God.

Oh, Minnie, I'll take you inside.

(BOTH PANTING)

Seymour, put me down. I'm sorry, Minnie.

I'm sorry. No, it's not your fault.

It's my fault.

Oh!

Oh... Minnie, is anything loose?

Oh, God, I'm sorry, Minnie.

Oh, Minnie. MINNIE: Don't, Seymour!

SEYMOUR: Oh, God, run it under the cold water.

Oh, run it under the water. MINNIE: Don't help me!

Run it under there.

(WATER RUNNING)

Oh, I'm sorry, Minnie. Oh, it's not your fault.

Oh, Seymour, it's not your fault. It's not.

I mean, there's some...

There's some kind of craziness going on here that's not right.

No, I mean, every time you come near me you get beaten up.

Every time I come near you I get cut or I get

punched or something. It's not right, Seymour.

SEYMOUR: Minnie, I... I just...

I mean, it just happened, Minnie.

I know. I mean, it started and it just happened.

I don't know. I know, I know, Seymour.

It's just not there. Don't you understand? It's...

It's a pretend place that people get to and they always...

They just never say it, but it doesn't exist.

It's not there, Seymour. It just isn't there.

SEYMOUR: I think it is.

(SOBBING) No, Seymour, it isn't. It's nothing, don't you see?

It's just nothing.

(SNIFFLING) Oh, give me a cigarette, please.

(SOBBING)

(BANGING)

God damn it, God damn it.

Seymour, what are you doing? Stop it.

Nothin'. I'll just clean this up. I'll clean it up so you don't hurt yourself.

No. I can do that. I'll do it. I'll do it.

I can do it, Seymour. Minnie, don't you see?

That's what happens when you love someone.

Stop it, Seymour.

Oh, man.

You punch doors. You make a fool of yourself...

You...

God damn it, I don't know! You know?

Please go home, Seymour.

Minnie, I don't believe it. Every girl I've ever known has been in love with me.

The only girl I'm in love with doesn't even like me.

God damn it, I know you love me.

MINNIE: No. No, I don't.

You do. You do. I can't, Seymour. I can't.

You can. No, I can't.

Oh, please go, Seymour. Please.

No, I won't go. I know you love me.

No, I...

I think I'm gonna faint. Honest.

Minnie... (MINNIE WHIMPERING)

Damn it, Minnie.

I love you! Believe that.

Jesus Christ! What do you want me to do?

What do you want me to do? You want me to kill myself?

You want me to hurt me? What?

Is that it? Look at that.

Is that what you want? Do you want me to do that to me?

Or do you want me to do it to you?

What?

Tell me. Talk... God damn it, tell me.

Huh.

I cut my moustache.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, don't. No. No. No.

I'm telling ya... Don't. No. Please.

Please don't. Please.

Okay.

One, two, three.

(SEYMOUR COUGHING)

Whoo!

SEYMOUR: No, Minnie, don't dry off.

I love ya. Just give me something too.

What?

You just... Sing a song, take off your clothes, do something.

No. No, sit on the steps.

* I love you truly

* Truly, dear That's it.

BOTH: * Life with its sorrows

* Life has its sorrows

* And all tomorrows

* I'll love you only.

I love you.

I want to marry you.

Don't tell me that. I don't want to hear that.

Don't you tell me that.

Unless you mean it. Hey, I mean it.

* I

* love you truly

* Truly

* dear

* Life

* with its sorrows.

BOTH: * Life with its tears

* Reach into

* tomorrow

* When I feel you are near * When you are near

* I love you truly

* Truly

* dear

* I love you

* truly.

Listen, if you really mean it...

* Truly dear

I'm gonna call my mother.

I don't want to get married and not call my mother.

* Life has its

* sorrows.

Listen, I better warn you... * Life has its sorrows

I have a mother complex.

I can't stand for anyone to say anything about my mother.

She always has to be welcome in our house, okay? Okay?

* Tomorrows

* I love you truly.

Long distance?

* Truly, dear I'd like to place a call to...

To Vancouver.

I'm calling person to person, Mrs. Georgia Moore.

* Life with its sorrows 604-436-9962.

Yes.

* Life with its tears.

Hello, Ma?

Ma, this is Minnie. * I love...

Guess what?

No, no, Mom. It's nothing bad. * Truly, dear

* Truly, dear.

Mom, I have a friend.

* Life has its sorrows Oh, yes, he's handsome.

He's... He's about six feet four

and he's blonde and, uh...

Sure, he's got a good job and we want to get married.

Um...

Uh... I guess, uh, right away.

Right away, yeah. Right away.

If you'll come we'll get you a reservation at a hotel,

or you could stay here, whatever you want.

Hey, Mom, he wants to talk to you.

Hello, Mom? Seymour Moskowitz.

Right. Jewish. Right.

No, not terribly religious. No.

Listen, Mom, Minnie...

What? She wants to talk to you.

Minnie tells me she has a mother complex, is that right?

Mom, I'll call you back right after he goes home. Okay?

Oh, I love you too, Mom. Yeah.

Okay. Bye-bye.

You're crazy.

I knew it. Oh, I knew it.

(DIALING)

Long distance.

I want to call my mother.

Long distance, I want to call my mother.

Person to person.

Mrs. Sheba Moskowitz.

MINNIE: Sheba? It's 212-874-4599.

Collect. Make that collect, Operator.

Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello.

This is my mother, Georgia Moore.

And, uh, Sheba Moskowitz. Hello. She's a tall one.

Oh, I look like a midget. Sit down, darling. Sit down.

Seymour. Oh, hello, sweetheart.

I'm so happy to see you.

Oh, Seymour, she's got a good body.

She's got a good body and a good face.

Cute kid. I like that.

Come on, here. Sit down.

Over here. Sit over here. Next to your boyfriend.

Don't forget the manners I taught you.

I'm gonna sit down beside you.

GEORGIA: Uh, well, I think we should begin by ordering.

Don't you?

What kind of food do they have here?

SEYMOUR: Restaurant food, Mom.

He doesn't know anything, he eats in hamburger joints.

Actually, I think they specialize in steaks, Mrs. Moskowitz.

In steaks, eh? This is a spaghetti and meatball joint.

Maybe they've got steaks, maybe you're right.

Maybe they have a steak they can throw at us.

Seymour, when did you two meet?

Um, about four days ago, right?

Yes, four days ago.

Four days ago? Right. Four days.

Don't you know when you met the girl?

Four days? To be safe, it would have to be a year.

You don't know anything about a woman until you marry her.

Dummy! Don't you remember what I told you?

Georgia, how tall are you? MINNIE: She's five-feet-nine.

Five-nine.

Yes, five-nine.

Of course, with heels.

I know. You wear shoes with heels.

You don't go around barefoot, do you?

(SEYMOUR AND MINNIE COUGHING)

Well, uh...

When Minnie was five she had curls all over her head.

We called her our Shirley Temple.

And she had the biggest eyes you ever saw.

And a lisp.

You know that lisp that children have that we think is so adorable?

So one day she came to me and she said,

"Mommy, I want to help you work."

And I said, "Well, darling, what do you want to do?"

And she said, "I want to help you clean the bathrooms."

So I said, "All right."

"If you want to clean the bathrooms, you clean the bathrooms."

"And Mommy will give you a dime."

So we put a little apron on her and gave her a sponge,

and some cleanser. I think it was Bab-O at the time.

And she got down on her hands and knees

and began scrubbing and scrubbing.

In a while I looked down at that little thing and there she was,

working her little heart out and I thought,

"I'll give her a hand."

But she said, "Mommy, I will do it mine self."

She was so cute.

They grow up so fast.

And here I am today,

looking at my little curly-haired girl that I adore so much,

and she wants to get married.

And I think it's wonderful.

What's so wonderful about it?

Seymour is a car parker.

Your daughter's very attractive.

She doesn't have curly hair,

and she's not five years old anymore.

And Seymour! (GROANS)

Albert Einstein he's not.

Georgia, that's your name, isn't it, honey?

Yes, Georgia Moore.

Georgia, where are they gonna sleep?

What are they gonna eat?

Georgia,

my son is going to be the father of your daughter's baby.

Mom! There's no baby!

What are you talking about? I would've told you that.

What did you tell your mother? Nothing! I didn't say nothin'.

So, what's the reason to get married?

Why don't you two live with each other? It's easier.

MINNIE: Mrs. Moskowitz,

your son and I love each other and we're going to be married

and I hope you approve.

What have I got to say about it, darling?

It's your life.

You want to marry this bum, go ahead and marry him.

Georgia, they're gonna be turnin' to us every day.

How do you think this bum got here?

I gave him 400 dollars from my savings.

I've got no husband to take care of me.

Uh, Seymour, uh, what are your plans?

SEYMOUR: I'm thinking of getting a bigger...

Going to work for a bigger company, Mrs. Moore.

GEORGIA: Well, is there anything definite?

No, but I don't like working for restaurants,

because if the business goes off, or the food isn't good,

or something, you know...

I just think that if I go to a regular parking lot

for a big company, I'll do a lot better.

Mother, Seymour likes cars. He's very happy with cars.

Yeah.

SHEBA: I don't know how to make it any plainer.

This boy here has no ambition.

He's not pretty. Look at him.

Suavity, he doesn't have.

He eats sideways.

The food keeps going into the mouth this way.

He's deaf.

This girl of yours is very attractive.

She's got nice hair.

And she could do very well marrying some normal man.

So, if there's no baby coming...

SEYMOUR: Oh, shit, Ma.

What's the matter? Shit. I mean...

(ORGAN PLAYING)

The bridegroom's side? Yes.

This is the bride's side.

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING ON ORGAN)

MINISTER: Dearly beloved,

we are gathered together here in the sight of God,

and in the face of this company,

to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony.

Wilt thou, Seymour Moskowitz,

have this woman to thy wedded wife?

To live together after God's ordinance in the holiest state of matrimony?

Wilt thou love her, comfort her,

honor her and keep her in sickness and in health,

and forsaking all others, keep thee only unto her

so long as ye both shall live?

I will. I do.

MINISTER: I will. I will.

MINISTER: Wilt thou...

Wilt thou...

Wilt thou...

Miss, uh... Yes.

Wilt thou... Wilt thou...

BOTH: Minnie Moore.

Minnie Moore...

(ALL LAUGHING)

Wilt thou, Minnie Moore...

* For she's a jolly good fellow

* For she's a jolly good fellow

* For she's a jolly good fellow... *

MAN: * In your LA morning dream

* Life's but your pleasure stream, so go on

* Sing me your song

* Yes and play it again

* for me as a friend

(MAN VOCALIZING)