All language subtitles for Im Sorry s02e01 Quietly Bleeding.eng

Hey have you seen my wallet?

Yeah I think it's in our bathroom.

Oh okay.

I'm sorry, I didn't know we had company.

What?

Your friend, tank top,
or is it Mr. Tank Top.

I don't know why I'm being so formal.

I'm just a little flustered,
we hadn't been introduced.

Okay, yes I bought a tank top.

I mean how long has this been going on?

I bought it when we
went to Santa Barbara.

Wow, I guess, you know,
the beach culture

can be very seductive.

Okay, do you want me to change?

I don't know, suns out guns out right?

[sighs]

Yes I would like you to change.

- [Mike] Okay, alright good.
- Two things though.

Should I change our dinner
reservation to three,

and are you the reason
Megan's law is in existence?

- Oh my god.
- Thank you.

Important question though,
are you all about that

he said she said bullshit?

Don't drink too much Mountain Dew.

Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com

Mommy, can I have a string cheese?

I'm starving.

You're starving?

Wow, I would of thought
that the seven meals

that I provided with you today
would of staved that off.

Oh, disaster averted.

Lovey, we are going to have
to head home soon though,

'cause a someone is
starting school tomorrow.

We have a kindergartner
in our family, what?

How is that possible?

Grammy, can we swim before we go?

Oh sure, come on, let's do it.

Oh, your majesty, please allow me.

Wow.

I still can't believe she's gonna start

kindergarten tomorrow.

I know, she is old as fuck.

Seriously though, this
is like a big deal,

this is like real school now.

She's gonna be doing
homework and book reports,

and.

Uh, what's going on over there?

Someone's enjoying their day.

Oh, they are enjoying their day.

I wish we could enjoy our
day like that, right?

Wait, are those women a couple,
or are those prostitutes?

They are not prostitutes.

Uh, those are prostitutes.

And we just witnessed an
exchange of money for goods,

and very filthy services.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm
feeling a little bit

of a rush right now.

I've just never seen that
transaction in nature.

They were just going at it right there.

They got to display their wares,

they gotta move the product,
and that product is ass.

Honey do you have Emilia's towel?

Yeah, it's right here.

Mom, your nipple's out.

Oh, sorry.

Must of shifted in the pool.

Don't apologize to me,
apologize to my husband.

- Look at his face.
- It's fine.

He can't even look at you.

[Grandma] Really, I'm sorry Mike.

Mike, be honest, do you
see a family resemblance

in the nipples, because
I've always thought

I took after my father in that way.

I'm not answering that.

Mike, it's just a nipple,
everyone has them.

Even you.

Alright Sharon please don't
mention my nipples now.

- I'm gonna mention your nipples.
- Please don't.

Wow, I actually have a podcast
called Mike's Nipples so.

I'd love to have you guest one time.

I just feel like if my nipple
was out in the open air,

I would feel it, I would know.

Yeah, but hers are older,
I mean maybe they're not

as sensitive.

Oh, why am I talking about this.

Did you just call my mom's nipples old.

Yeah.

Wow, she is not gonna
be happy when I have to

100% tell her you said that.

- No you won't.
- Yes I will.

You won't tell her that I
said her nipples are old.

You know that I will though.

Stop it. What time are we
setting the alarm for tomorrow?

6:30 A.M.

Why does kindergarten
have to start so early?

I don't know.

That was one of the things
I loved about preschool

is that it technically started at nine

but that was more of a
vague recommendation.

I wonder what teacher she's gonna get.

I mean Mr. Castelottis
supposed to be great,

- I'm sure they're all good.
- Yeah, yeah yeah.

This is like, really a thing.

Big deal.

She's gonna have so much fun.

How much money do you think I
would make as a prostitute?

Oh boy, I knew it.

Of course you knew it.

But seriously, like I just
want to know my market value,

like for real.

I have no idea, I'm not
familiar with the average

day rate of a prostitute.

I think you could guesstimate
what I might go for.

I'd love a number please.

I don't want to half ass it.

Why don't I go out there
and do a little research,

- and uh.
- Ooh.

Get back here.

Like, as in hire a prostitute
or Google something?

I'll probably just Google it.

Of course.

Alright, I appreciate
your attention to detail

and I look forward to the number,

however you research it,
and get back to me.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Are you looking to work hard
for the money right now?

Oh, eyebrows, not loving
that working John.

Yep, you're a mean prostitute.

You haven't let me just play my wares.

Oh wait there's wares?

I'll see a display of wares.

You'll sample the wares?

- Sure.
- Alright.

I'll sample.

You will need to bring a
coupon to do that though.

- What?
- Yeah.

Wait you're a prostitute with coupons?

- Yeah.
- That's not good. [laughing]

How are we running late.

We rose with the sun.

Emilia, come on, let's go.

Mommy.

How are you not dressed?

What have you been doing
for the past 30 minutes?

I didn't know if it will
be hot or cold today.

Oh my god, just put on clothes.

Go, go, go!

Can I wear my cat ears?

Yes, wear whatever you want.

Just wear something, we have to go.

What the fuck.

[upbeat music]

Lovey, you got Mr. Castelottis.

[Mike] Oh hey, I hear he's great.

Hey we got Mr. Castelottis too.

I'm Beth, this is my daughter Sophie.

Hi, I'm Andrea, this is Mike,
this is our daughter Emilia.

I love your cat ears Emilia.

- Do you want to play fairies?
- Sure.

- Oh my god.
- That was quick.

That was like a dream come true.

It's a really great line,
I used to use it in bars.

Do you want to play fairies,
that was your pickup line?

- Killed.
- Oh my god.

Mike, be honest, how many
times were you amazed

- before you met me? 13?
- We just met her, so.

Did you want to try it on?
Do you need me to step away?

Oh I can act like I didn't
hear it the first time

- if that's.
- I think that would help you.

- Hey guys.
- What, hi.

- How you Mike.
- This is Beth.

Beth, Brian.

So Izzy got Ms. Reamus.

No, we got Mr. Castelottis.

Oh, I'm sorry, don't hit me over there.

Well I'm very very mad.

Although Ms. Reamus looks delightful.

[Beth] I heard all teachers are great.

They'll have recess, they'll
be able to still hang out.

Hello, good morning,
I'm Mr. Castelottis,

everyone in my class, let's
line up and head inside.

Wow.

That's their kindergarten teacher?

Good luck, he looks like
he gives great hugs.

Brian stop smiling.

It's, okay.

Yeah, her kindergarten
teacher is balding,

wears a suit, has a full mustache.

This is what I left my daughter with.

Okay, so your daughter
is being cared for

by a child molester?

Yes, obviously.

- Wow, great parenting.
- I mean, thank you.

Listen, if she's gonna get molested,

I rather it happens at
the school so at least

she's getting an education
at the same time,

that way you know, it's not
just only about the sex.

What, what are you talking about?

Are you okay?

I don't know, I'm so tired,
I had to wake up at 6:30.

I hate kindergarten.

This is crazy.

You are acting like a
lunatic, what are doing?

Kyle hold my hands.

No, no, put your little grabbers away,

I don't want them.

Get them, I don't want your touching.

- [keys clacking]
- What are you doing?

Is this better than anything
you've ever written?

I write what you write,
we write the same thing.

We don't write the exact same thing.

If we wrote the exact same thing,

then we could just take half
the time to do something.

I'll be honest, we could
take half the time

to do something if you would
talk about your daughter's

school less and worked more.

Fine, can we just write
the scene at graduation.

I have notes on that in here.

Listen I don't want us off track again,

but how much do you think I
would make as a prostitute?

Seriously, like true question?

Okay, forget it, forget it.

No no no no no.

Perfectly valid question.

Okay.

I'm assuming this is some sort
of make a wish situation,

you've been diagnosed
with terminal cancer,

and the Make a Wish Foundation
decides to grant your wish

which is to be paid for sex, I guess.

I bet they could find somebody
to pay seven dollars.

You proud of yourself?

Did that feel good? Taking me down?

And then, you have to remember,

Make a Wish Foundation
is a not for profit,

so the money for them
is purely symbolic.

Oh, so it's like your dick?

No sorry, no my dick
isn't symbolic at all.

It's a literal dick.

It fact, it's almost too on the nose.

Is that where you put your dick?

On people's noses?

If they want me too.

If someone asked me to put my dick
on their nose, I'd happily do it.

I'm not judgemental.

Alright, you know what,
put it on my repertoire.

One of the things I need
to know as an prostitute.

People like to throw
their dick on a nose.

See, you know what?

Your price just went up.

- Really?
- Yep, 13 dollars.

You sure this is where they
said the kindergartners

would come out?

Yeah, this is where
they said, right here.

I'm a little nervous.

Feel like I'm waiting for my husband

to stroll out of prison.

Okay, yeah I'm not interested in hearing

your dirty prison fantasy again.

What, it's just been 20
years since I've seen him

and no man has been able to
satisfy my needs like he did.

Actually warden, maybe
give me a few minutes

before you give his clothes back.

I got a couple things I want to.

No don't involve me in this,

and also, why would he be
walking out of prison naked?

I mean he would of already
been given his clothes by now.

Oh, all of a sudden
you're just an expert

in the intake and outtake
of federal penitentiaries?

- [school bell rings]
- You cast me as though.

Oh, here they come.

Where's my girlie?

There she is, come here lovey, hi.

Bubs, what's wrong?

I want to go home.

Okay.

What happened?

I think I got her asleep.

Yeah?

Oh man, broke my heart
to see her so upset.

I know, me too.

I mean we just threw her
to the wolves today.

She was acting like a cat,
of course the other kids

called her a baby.

I mean we know kids can be dicks,

but the fact is,

Emilia's had absolutely
no dick in her life.

Usually that sentence would delight me

and I can't even enjoy it.

Why didn't I make her take
off those god damn cat ears.

I don't think we could
of seen this coming?

She is six and acts like a little baby.

That is on us. We treat
her like a queen.

We literally robe and disrobe the child.

The way she just holds her arms out,

waiting to be tended to.

She's an animal.

We just got to stop
coddling her so much.

You're right.

Parenting can lick my butt.

Right.

I will say, there's also
another more important

subject we need to discuss.

Where are you on my prostitution number.

Oh, I've made some headway.

Did you actually Google it?

Is that now lurking in your
computer search history?

Oh yeah, unfortunately.

Alright, so I've got
some questions for you.

Yeah.

Just want to do my due diligence here.

Finding this all very attractive.

- Okay great.
- So you're saying that prostitution

is your full time job now?

Yes, like you've been
in some sort of tragic,

probably disfiguring accident.

I'm no longer funny, this
is literally all we have

as a family to survive.

Okay, alright, I've got a number.

Great.

Alright, based on my research
I think you'd do very well.

Really?

I'm gonna say 250 dollars.

250 dollars?

Are you out of your god damn mind?

Oh wow.

For the whole night?

Yeah why, what were you thinking?

I was thing 10,000 dollars min.

Whoa, people don't spend
10,000 on prostitutes.

How much sex money do
you think people have.

You know what, no.

I don't accept that number, okay.

Because I have a product
that is superior

to other products on the market.

I am very good at what I do.

You are good, but 10,000 dollars.

You know what the problem is?

You are undervaluing its worth.

Your sex worth?

Yeah, you've lost all perspective.

It's like, if you were
married to a chef.

You know, after a while
you stop appreciating

the culinary skill and
you think, oh yeah,

everyone cooks this well.

- Maybe.
- Because I'll tell you what,

most people in the world

cook hot dogs, and I fuck like a champ.

That is a sentence.

I wouldn't put tongue
to tip for 250 dollars,

to be clear.

Another good sentence.

I go first, then Grammy.

Actually you went first last time Bubs,

now it's Grammy's time to go first.

[Emilia] I want to go first.

Well, we all want to go first right?

But that wouldn't be fair to Grammy.

She would be very sad if
she didn't get her turn.

Honey, you go ahead and go first.

Well then you know what,
I'm not gonna play,

because the rules say to take turns.

If we're not playing by the rules, then,

I'm not interested.

Everything okay?

It's just you know,
when you play a game,

you got to all take the rules in

and not complain about them.

That's what we do.

Go ahead mom, it's your turn.

This is gonna be fun.

Oh, look at me, a double.

Oh, I just got a single.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

You've already picked a card.

Well, I made a new
rule, I get two cards.

We've already agreed to the rules,

- it's one card.
- You're not playing fair.

- Actually, I am playing fair.
- No you're not.

Yes I am, these are the rules.

- No they're not.
- Yes they are.

Well I'm not playing.

Okay, well Grammy and I
are gonna keep playing,

and I am getting very
close to Licorice Lagoon.

Da da da da da da.

You could of just let
her take another card.

Mom, you want me to just let her cry

and get whatever she wants?

- She's six years old.
- Exactly. Six is not a baby.

And you know what, she
doesn't have a sibling

to toughen her up.

Dave used to spit in my mouth
if he caught me cheating.

Oh god.

Exactly, and that is why
I know to follow rules.

She doesn't have that luxury,
so now I have to pretend

to give a shit about Candyland.

Don't say shit.

Okay well, you know
what I am going to say.

I just entered Candy Castle,
does that mean I win?

I mean, I didn't see
this coming but I accept

what's occurred.

You are a model of sportsmanship.

Thank you.

And by the way, it says the
youngest player goes first.

- It does?
- Yeah.

What's it say now?

I think it's just probably who
got in to Candy Castle last.

Okay mom, careful there rouge nipple.

Bubs, I'm putting your
name on your water bottle.

Okay.

Actually, yours is the
one with the smear.

Mommy, why do so many kids in my class

already know the big kids.

Well, a lot of kids in your class

have big brothers and sisters
who already go to the school.

Yeah, but as you make friends,

you'll become friends
with their siblings too.

You know what, sometimes
it's actually really helpful

to be friends with the big
kids 'cause they can teach

you the ropes of the school.

Make you feel like a big girl.

- [Mike] Yeah.
- But it is eight o'clock,

and you need to get to bed,

so get that tushy up, because
I'm going to eat it.

Get in bed.

Oh, it's so cute.

I mean how long do you
think it's gonna be

before she makes me stop
getting up in that tushy?

I have to hope before graduate school?

She should be so lucky.

I can get to that tushy
at graduate school.

And I made friends with a new
girl, her name is Stella.

Oh, sounds like you had
a pretty good day.

We took turns going down the slide,

and I let her go first.

You did?

Bubs, I am proud of you.

Did you know Stella has a
sister in fourth grade?

I did not know that.

She's really nice.

Well that's great.

Remember I said it's sometimes nice

to have big kid friends to talk to.

She says I am gonna get pubic hair.

Oh, actually, you know what.

Stella's sister is
right, because everybody

at a certain age gets
hair on their privates,

just like mommy, one day,
you will get pubic hair.

I don't like your pubic hair.

Wow, okay, well regardless, either way,

it's gonna happen to you.

Do boys get pubic hair?

Of course, everybody gets it.

Daddy doesn't have pubic hair.

- Yeah, he does.
- No, he doesn't.

- Yeah, he does.
- No, he doesn't.

- Yeah, he does.
- No, he doesn't.

I'm not gonna argue with you about this,

daddy has pubic hair, okay.

Mommy, what's a period?

How long were you talking
to Stella's sister for?

Well I guess the upside
is our six year old

is now prepared for her period.

Downside, I am aware that
our daughter is not a fan

of my pubic hair.

- What?
- Yeah,

I am she has no idea, first of all,

how aspirational this situation is.

It is primped and preened
within an inch of it's life.

So Stella's sister just
knew all this stuff?

Yes, she's in fourth grade okay?

Our daughter's now at a school
that goes up to sixth grade,

so she's gonna be exposed
to all kinds of things.

When do girls even get their
period, isn't it like 15?

No, I was eleven.

What?

I mean I was on the early
side, but you know,

usually by thirteen,
everyone's walking around

quietly bleeding.

Jesus.

It's really just been
pretty fantastic day,

'cause you know what
you get to talk about

after you finish with periods?

You get to walk them through
the specific anatomy

of the vagina.

Yeah, the labias, minorum,
majora, the urethral opening,

that was a big one.

Suddenly really appreciating
my 6 P.M. conference call.

Yeah well, don't get too comfortable

because Emilia doesn't
believe you have pubic hair,

so I'm gonna need a snapshot.

You're not taking a picture of
my penis to show our daughter.

I'm not asking for the
Washington Monument,

just give me the mall, alright?

Not happening.

What if I just wanted a picture for me?

No.

I promise I won't show
it to our daughter.

I don't trust you.

Well, alright, you got
to go to sleep sometime.

See you in bed.

So how's Izzy liking Ms. Reamus?

By the way, Emilia knows about periods.

What?

Stella's older sister.

I thought you should know so
maybe you'd be more prepared

than I was, which was
not remotely prepared.

You're serious?

Well I told her not to
tell any of her friends,

so hopefully she will
keep her mouth shut.

But just the mommy's want
to tell them themselves.

- Oh, okay.
- What?

Why do you assume it's gonna be a mommy?

- Brian.
- Yes.

Unless your wife, and every
other female family member

and friend is dead and buried,
it should be mommies.

I'm just saying I have a pretty
strong take on all this.

Gross.

You're gross.

I can't wait to hear how that goes.

I'll record it for you.

- Will you?
- Yes.

Actually, in all honestly,
I would love that.

You know, I would talk to
Emilia's teacher about this,

you know what I'm saying,
just give him a heads up.

To Mr. Castelottis?

Yes, Mr. Castelottis, I mean
that is her teacher right?

Right.

If it were me, I'd be talking
to Ms. Reamus about it.

I don't enjoy you as a friend.

I love you as a friend.

I don't enjoy you loving me as a friend.

Enjoy your convo.

Convo?

Conversation.

Hi, Mr. Castelottis, I'm
Andrea, Emilia's mom.

Ms. Lauren, yes, hello.

Oh, hi, hello.

I just wanted to let you
know that yesterday,

Emilia had a very
illuminating conversation

with Stella's older sister.

And now has learned about periods,

and pubic hair, so, um, I
just wanted to let you know

in case she seems a
little off, or god forbid

anything comes up, what we've
been dealing with at home.

Well I appreciate you telling me.

I'll you know if anything comes up.

Thank you, I really appreciate that.

That would be great.

And just so you know, I know
it can seem a little early,

but a lot of kids around her
age learn about menses.

Uh huh, I'm sure.

And you just spoke about
menses, not intercourse?

No, just the first one.

Okay, got it.

Great.

Then um, I will see you at pickup.

Sounds good.

Great, have a good day.

You too.

He said menses.

So, you had a good day.

Did you learn anything new?

Yeah, I learned how to count by fives.

Five, 10, 15, 20.

Okay good.

[Mike] That's good, that's a good one.

Can I have some more water?

Sure, you know what, why
don't you get it yourself?

Can I?

Oh yeah of course, you're a big girl.

I'm gonna show Walter how to do it.

Great, 'cause I'm sick of
that Walter bugging me

to get him water all the time.

Oh boy.

Well I mean, we got through the
first week of kindergarten

and only had to deal with bullying,
pubic hair, and periods.

Not so terrible.

- Right?
- Yeah.

I mean I hope we get a
little bit of a breather

before tackling euthanasia and AIDS,

but let's just assume they cover that

a little closer to the holidays.

Yeah, it's so Christmassy.

Yeah, there's nothing
that says Christmas

like pulling the plug on a loved one.

Yeah.

To help them out.

Obviously I cannot speak

for all the prostitutes in the world,

but people are willing to pay more money

for an exclusive luxury brand.

Okay, and how do you plan
on becoming so exclusive?

Glad you asked. I've thought about this.

All my marketing, word of mouth.

Word of mouth?

Yeah, it creates the mystique.

It's like going to a restaurant
that doesn't have a sign.

Aren't you willing to pay a little extra

to know that you're
getting an experience

that other people aren't
getting to enjoy.

- Sure.
- Obviously in this situation,

the experience is my body.

You know I have to say, I
think most prostitutes

do not have your marketing savvy.

That's why I have a leg up.

Actually, two legs up, behind my head.

Actually they're not,

because you can barely touch your toes.

That is not true.

- I can very much touch.
- Haven't seen it.

Hi.

- How did it go?
- Oh she's always great.

- Oh good.
- She went to bed

without a thousand excuses?

Not quite that many.

Oof, well congratulations.

There was one thing, and not a big deal,

but just to let you know, she
did ask to see my clitoris.

- Oh my god.
- Oh wow.

I recently have been teaching
her about the female anatomy

so that must have just
been on her brain.

No it's fine, I wasn't pressed
she knew the correct term.

Okay, so do Venmo or Paypal,
or just how about all that.

Everything that's in your
wallet I think is appropriate.

- Thank you.
- You get a fee bump

when you're asked to show your clitoris.

Yeah.

So, what'd you think
of my work back there?

Well you know what, I think
it was worth every penny.

Yeah?

You think it's the kind of thing

that's gonna get people talking?

Oh, I think it will start
up a conversation.

Great, well then do me a
favor, spread the word.

[laughing]

Seriously, I'm gonna need
you to tell your friends.

Really?

- Yeah.
- Who do you think?

Kevin?

Yes definitely Kevin.

You know what, actually just
give me Kevin's number.

I will reach out to him myself.

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