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1
00:00:06,275 --> 00:00:08,000
[ Telephone rings ]
2
00:00:08,103 --> 00:00:09,206
Hey, have you checked out
the new street view
3
00:00:09,310 --> 00:00:10,689
on Hampton DeVille Maps?No.
4
00:00:10,793 --> 00:00:12,965
It's supposed to be
more detailed than Google Maps.
5
00:00:13,068 --> 00:00:14,965
Really?
6
00:00:15,068 --> 00:00:16,689
[ Keyboard clacking,
mouse clicking ]
7
00:00:16,793 --> 00:00:18,034
Wow.
8
00:00:18,137 --> 00:00:20,551
It takes me all the way up
to my front door.
9
00:00:20,655 --> 00:00:21,931
Hmm.
10
00:00:22,034 --> 00:00:23,793
[ Mouse clicks ]
11
00:00:23,896 --> 00:00:26,758
♪♪
12
00:00:26,862 --> 00:00:28,034
What the hell?
13
00:00:28,137 --> 00:00:29,965
I'm inside my own house.
14
00:00:30,068 --> 00:00:33,620
♪♪
15
00:00:33,724 --> 00:00:36,172
[ Mouse clicking ]
16
00:00:41,206 --> 00:00:43,827
What?
Oh, my God.
17
00:00:43,931 --> 00:00:47,275
♪♪
18
00:00:47,379 --> 00:00:48,862
Oh, God.
19
00:00:48,965 --> 00:00:50,068
Your bathroom
is a mess.
20
00:00:50,172 --> 00:00:51,620
Please don't
tell anybody.
21
00:00:51,724 --> 00:00:53,517
Let me check
my apartment.
22
00:00:53,620 --> 00:00:54,758
[ Keyboard clacking ]
23
00:00:54,862 --> 00:00:58,931
[ Mouse clicking ]
24
00:00:59,034 --> 00:01:00,517
[ Door creaks]
25
00:01:00,620 --> 00:01:05,068
[ Mouse clicking ]
26
00:01:05,172 --> 00:01:09,000
♪♪
27
00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:10,310
I thought
that was a dream.
28
00:01:10,413 --> 00:01:12,517
This is a violation
of our privacy.
29
00:01:12,620 --> 00:01:16,206
If they can see inside
our apartments, that means...
30
00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:18,413
We can see
other people's shit.
31
00:01:18,517 --> 00:01:19,862
Let's check
my neighbor Barry.
32
00:01:19,965 --> 00:01:21,275
I know he's
up to something.
33
00:01:21,379 --> 00:01:26,586
[ Keyboard clacking,
mouse clicking ]
34
00:01:26,689 --> 00:01:28,034
[ Chuckles ] Oh.
35
00:01:28,137 --> 00:01:29,620
Way to go, Barry.
36
00:01:29,724 --> 00:01:31,827
Whoa!
37
00:01:31,931 --> 00:01:33,482
[ Mouse clicking ]
38
00:01:33,586 --> 00:01:35,034
Oh.
39
00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:38,413
He's got a gun.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
40
00:01:38,517 --> 00:01:40,551
Ohh!
Get out of there!
41
00:01:40,655 --> 00:01:42,068
[ Gunshot ]
42
00:01:42,172 --> 00:01:43,448
[ Gasps ]
43
00:01:43,551 --> 00:01:46,620
♪♪
44
00:01:46,724 --> 00:01:48,000
Wha!
45
00:01:48,103 --> 00:01:49,689
Hardwood floors.
I'm jealous.
46
00:01:49,793 --> 00:01:52,344
I really like what Barry did
with the place.
47
00:01:52,448 --> 00:01:57,482
♪♪
48
00:02:01,206 --> 00:02:05,482
♪♪
49
00:02:10,517 --> 00:02:13,620
Hampton DeVille is
a data-driven company,
50
00:02:13,724 --> 00:02:16,413
and as you both know,
John and I are total data nerds.
51
00:02:16,517 --> 00:02:17,827
Well,
we go nuts for data.
52
00:02:17,931 --> 00:02:19,586
We're data addicts.We get fucked up on data.
53
00:02:19,689 --> 00:02:21,586
We know you both
are data-heads, as well,
54
00:02:21,689 --> 00:02:24,413
which is why you'll be excited
to hear about a clever new way
55
00:02:24,517 --> 00:02:26,758
we're collecting data
in the office.
56
00:02:26,862 --> 00:02:30,551
We're installing sensors
underneath everyone's desks.
57
00:02:30,655 --> 00:02:33,275
They detect when a workspace
is occupied
58
00:02:33,379 --> 00:02:34,655
and report that data
back to us.
59
00:02:34,758 --> 00:02:37,000
I think that feels
a little invasive.
60
00:02:37,103 --> 00:02:38,448
Don't worry.
Data on its own
61
00:02:38,551 --> 00:02:41,103
is just a harmless object,
like a sharp rock.
62
00:02:41,206 --> 00:02:43,344
Yeah,
or a, um, a gun.
63
00:02:43,448 --> 00:02:44,931
[ Imitates gun cocking ]
Pow!
64
00:02:45,034 --> 00:02:46,241
Pow! Pow!
Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!
65
00:02:46,344 --> 00:02:48,310
[ Chuckles,
imitates gun cocking ]
66
00:02:48,413 --> 00:02:49,862
[ Imitates gun cocking ]
67
00:02:49,965 --> 00:02:51,310
Boom!
68
00:02:51,413 --> 00:02:52,655
[ Imitates gun cocking ]
69
00:02:52,758 --> 00:02:54,275
[ Imitating sobbing ][ Imitating sobbing ]
70
00:02:54,379 --> 00:02:55,931
[ Imitates gunshot ]
71
00:02:57,275 --> 00:02:58,413
I don't like the idea
of the company knowing
72
00:02:58,517 --> 00:02:59,793
every time
I go to the bathroom.
73
00:02:59,896 --> 00:03:01,827
Oh, the two of you
will not have desk sensors.
74
00:03:01,931 --> 00:03:03,241
I withdraw
my objection.
75
00:03:03,344 --> 00:03:06,517
But we do want you to be
the face of this initiative.
76
00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:09,379
This is a chance for you
to step into a management role.
77
00:03:09,482 --> 00:03:11,482
Right now, your co-workers
see you as friends.
78
00:03:11,586 --> 00:03:14,172
Yuck.
This will show them that you're in charge,
79
00:03:14,275 --> 00:03:16,275
like the boys in blue
or the Man Upstairs.
80
00:03:16,379 --> 00:03:18,137
And if you get any guff...And you will receive guff.
81
00:03:18,241 --> 00:03:19,448
...just remind everyone
82
00:03:19,551 --> 00:03:21,551
that Hampton DeVille
is pro-data,
83
00:03:21,655 --> 00:03:23,758
and to be anti-desk sensor
is to be...
84
00:03:23,862 --> 00:03:26,620
...anti-data and therefore
anti-Hampton DeVille.
85
00:03:26,724 --> 00:03:28,344
And if anyone
has any questions,
86
00:03:28,448 --> 00:03:30,689
we're happy to have
a friendly convo.
87
00:03:30,793 --> 00:03:32,137
Ooh!
Yes, Tad?
88
00:03:32,241 --> 00:03:34,448
How long can we be away from our
desks without being punished?
89
00:03:34,551 --> 00:03:37,137
Great question, Tad.
No one is being punished.
90
00:03:37,241 --> 00:03:39,034
We're just
collecting data.
91
00:03:39,137 --> 00:03:40,965
But you might want to cut down
on those bathroom breaks,
92
00:03:41,068 --> 00:03:42,137
or you will be punished.
93
00:03:42,241 --> 00:03:44,379
What gives you,
two cis white men,
94
00:03:44,482 --> 00:03:46,551
the right to keep track of
every time I go to the bathroom?
95
00:03:46,655 --> 00:03:48,137
First of all,
I'm not white.
96
00:03:48,241 --> 00:03:49,448
I'm Jewish.
97
00:03:49,551 --> 00:03:51,620
And I have walked
a very difficult road.
98
00:03:51,724 --> 00:03:53,068
Second,
what gives us the right
99
00:03:53,172 --> 00:03:54,689
is we're superiors
and above the law.
100
00:03:54,793 --> 00:03:57,620
But we're also your friends
and the same as all of you.
101
00:03:57,724 --> 00:03:59,379
Do you two
have desk sensors?
102
00:03:59,482 --> 00:04:02,931
Great question, Jessica.
No. But...
103
00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:05,655
We're sorry.This is like "1984,"
right?
104
00:04:05,758 --> 00:04:07,931
Yeah!
And you guys are Big Brother.
105
00:04:08,034 --> 00:04:09,413
This is
nothing like "1984."
106
00:04:09,517 --> 00:04:11,034
I'll bet you've never
even read "1984."
107
00:04:11,137 --> 00:04:12,551
Oh,
I've read "1984."
108
00:04:12,655 --> 00:04:14,310
And it was
a fucking page-turner.
109
00:04:14,413 --> 00:04:15,827
I loved it.
110
00:04:15,931 --> 00:04:17,551
The point is we're gonna be
watching you at all times.
111
00:04:17,655 --> 00:04:18,793
So think of us
as God.
112
00:04:18,896 --> 00:04:22,068
But remember,
God loves you so much,
113
00:04:22,172 --> 00:04:25,172
and he's still a cool guy
that you can get a beer with
114
00:04:25,275 --> 00:04:26,448
after work.
Wrong.
115
00:04:26,551 --> 00:04:28,896
God is bad and vengeful
and doesn't exist.
116
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:30,724
Now, you might want
to get back to your desks
117
00:04:30,827 --> 00:04:34,344
because those sensors
are turning on right about...
118
00:04:34,448 --> 00:04:36,275
now.[ Sensors beeping ]
119
00:04:36,379 --> 00:04:38,241
Sorry about this,
guys.
120
00:04:38,344 --> 00:04:40,068
It's good, though.
This is a good thing.
121
00:04:40,172 --> 00:04:42,034
♪♪
122
00:04:42,137 --> 00:04:44,724
This is a disaster.
Everybody's already mad at us.
123
00:04:44,827 --> 00:04:47,034
Machiavelli said it's better
to be feared than loved.
124
00:04:47,137 --> 00:04:48,241
Well,
I choose love.
125
00:04:48,344 --> 00:04:49,724
Nobody loves
or fears you.
126
00:04:49,827 --> 00:04:51,586
People don't think
about you at all.
127
00:04:51,689 --> 00:04:52,724
Sure they do.
128
00:04:52,827 --> 00:04:55,000
What do you think
people think about you?
129
00:04:55,103 --> 00:04:56,206
I don't know.
130
00:04:56,310 --> 00:04:57,689
Probably that
I'm a good person
131
00:04:57,793 --> 00:04:59,689
who was raised
in a loving family. Mm-hmm.
132
00:04:59,793 --> 00:05:01,724
That I'm kind
and a good listener.
133
00:05:01,827 --> 00:05:03,724
And I'm going places,
you know?
134
00:05:03,827 --> 00:05:05,655
This isn't the end
of the road for me.
135
00:05:05,758 --> 00:05:08,551
That I'm wise beyond my years
and still handsome as a teen.
136
00:05:08,655 --> 00:05:11,206
And at the end of the day,
I'm just trying my best
137
00:05:11,310 --> 00:05:14,517
because that's all anyone
can do in this crazy world.
138
00:05:14,620 --> 00:05:16,000
Somebody's been keeping
a spreadsheet of every time
139
00:05:16,103 --> 00:05:17,206
I go
to the bathroom.
140
00:05:17,310 --> 00:05:19,103
♪♪
141
00:05:19,206 --> 00:05:20,379
Who shared you
on this?
142
00:05:20,482 --> 00:05:21,689
The e-mail didn't say.
143
00:05:21,793 --> 00:05:23,137
But this can't
be accurate.
144
00:05:23,241 --> 00:05:24,448
It says you go
like 30 times a day.
145
00:05:24,551 --> 00:05:25,896
I have
a tiny bladder, okay?
146
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,965
It's a weakness, and I don't
want it to define me.
147
00:05:28,068 --> 00:05:30,344
Tiny bladder,
eh?
148
00:05:30,448 --> 00:05:31,965
I wouldn't worry
about it.
149
00:05:32,068 --> 00:05:34,689
Your defining characteristic
will always be your huge ass.
150
00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:36,068
Somebody shared Jake
on a spreadsheet
151
00:05:36,172 --> 00:05:37,586
of every time
he goes pee.
152
00:05:37,689 --> 00:05:39,482
It has to be someone I pass
on the way to the bathroom.
153
00:05:39,586 --> 00:05:41,655
It's probably somebody mad
about the desk sensors.
154
00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:44,206
I've been getting
tons of complaints.
155
00:05:44,310 --> 00:05:46,137
Really?
Who's been complaining about me?
156
00:05:46,241 --> 00:05:48,172
That's strictly
confidential.
157
00:05:48,275 --> 00:05:51,620
But what I cantell you
is everyone.
158
00:05:51,724 --> 00:05:53,068
Wait,
where are yougoing?
159
00:05:53,172 --> 00:05:55,137
Where the fuck
do you think?
160
00:05:55,241 --> 00:05:57,724
[ Door slams ]
161
00:05:57,827 --> 00:06:00,931
[ Toilet flushes, water runs ]
162
00:06:01,034 --> 00:06:03,379
[ Water shuts off,
paper-towel dispenser whirs ]
163
00:06:03,482 --> 00:06:05,068
[ Mouse clicks ]
164
00:06:05,172 --> 00:06:08,724
♪♪
165
00:06:15,827 --> 00:06:20,275
Look out, everybody!
Big Brother's watching!
166
00:06:20,379 --> 00:06:21,689
Baron.
167
00:06:21,793 --> 00:06:22,931
What makes you think
it's Baron?
168
00:06:23,034 --> 00:06:24,620
The spreadsheet goes back
for months.
169
00:06:24,724 --> 00:06:25,965
Baron's had it out
for me
170
00:06:26,068 --> 00:06:27,827
ever since he found out
I had it out for him.
171
00:06:27,931 --> 00:06:29,517
But here's the thing --
I only had it out for him
172
00:06:29,620 --> 00:06:31,310
because he had it out
for me.
173
00:06:31,413 --> 00:06:33,241
[ Computer beeps ]
174
00:06:33,344 --> 00:06:37,034
He's on the move.I've got eyes on him.
175
00:06:37,137 --> 00:06:39,206
Text me the moment
he gets back to his desk.
176
00:06:39,310 --> 00:06:41,034
Got it.
Sorry.
177
00:06:41,137 --> 00:06:43,000
Matt.
178
00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:45,068
And I'll
man the fort here.
179
00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:47,655
♪♪
180
00:06:47,758 --> 00:06:49,827
Whee!
181
00:06:49,931 --> 00:06:53,448
♪♪
182
00:07:06,241 --> 00:07:08,034
What the hell is this?
183
00:07:08,137 --> 00:07:09,413
I actually think working here
is more like
184
00:07:09,517 --> 00:07:11,275
"A Brave New World"
than "1984."
185
00:07:11,379 --> 00:07:12,586
It's definitely
Kafka-esque.
186
00:07:12,689 --> 00:07:14,482
More like
"Fahrenheit 451."
187
00:07:14,586 --> 00:07:16,517
It's a "Catch 22.""Animal Farm."
188
00:07:16,620 --> 00:07:17,965
Anything by Philip K. Dick,
really.
189
00:07:18,068 --> 00:07:19,620
Oh, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes. Oh, yeah, yeah.
190
00:07:19,724 --> 00:07:22,931
"Harry Potter and
the Prisoner of Azkaban," too.
191
00:07:23,034 --> 00:07:26,379
Well, looks like Big Brother
was eavesdropping on us.
192
00:07:26,482 --> 00:07:28,827
Like "1984,"
that page-turner I devoured.
193
00:07:28,931 --> 00:07:31,931
Oh, yeah?
What was your favorite part?
194
00:07:32,034 --> 00:07:34,413
Uh, I mean, you know,
there's so many cool parts.
195
00:07:34,517 --> 00:07:35,724
It would be hard
to just pick one,
196
00:07:35,827 --> 00:07:38,275
but you got to love
that twist ending.
197
00:07:38,379 --> 00:07:39,586
What was
the twist ending?
198
00:07:39,689 --> 00:07:40,862
Well, I don't want
to spoil it.
199
00:07:40,965 --> 00:07:42,793
We've all read it.Then we all know.
200
00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:44,448
And it doesn't need
to be said.
201
00:07:44,551 --> 00:07:46,620
We probably should all
go back to our desks.
202
00:07:46,724 --> 00:07:48,517
Don't want
to get in trouble.
203
00:07:50,275 --> 00:07:52,724
Ow.
204
00:07:55,724 --> 00:07:57,172
[ Cellphone keyboard clacking ]
205
00:07:57,275 --> 00:08:04,000
♪♪
206
00:08:04,103 --> 00:08:06,275
Oh, my God.
207
00:08:06,379 --> 00:08:08,862
What the hell are you doing
on my computer, Levinson?
208
00:08:08,965 --> 00:08:10,931
I think
the real question is
209
00:08:11,034 --> 00:08:13,862
what are youdoing
on your computer, Baron?
210
00:08:13,965 --> 00:08:19,862
[ Mendelssohn's "Wedding March"
plays ]
211
00:08:19,965 --> 00:08:21,103
My Pinterest.
212
00:08:25,310 --> 00:08:27,827
I used to think
weddings were stupid,
213
00:08:27,931 --> 00:08:29,689
but then I went to
my friend's wedding in Vermont.
214
00:08:29,793 --> 00:08:31,793
Mm.
It was fall.
215
00:08:31,896 --> 00:08:33,896
The air
smelled of maple.
216
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:37,379
And the centerpieces
were as vibrant as the foliage.
217
00:08:37,482 --> 00:08:40,206
I mean,
it is the 21st century!
218
00:08:40,310 --> 00:08:42,689
We need to start thinking
beyond cake, Jake!
219
00:08:42,793 --> 00:08:44,586
If I even see
a chocolate fountain,
220
00:08:44,689 --> 00:08:46,000
I just get up
and leave
221
00:08:46,103 --> 00:08:47,724
because it's a wedding
on a damn cruise ship.
222
00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:49,724
Have you ever seen a hedgehog
be a ring bearer?
223
00:08:49,827 --> 00:08:51,000
Ooh.
224
00:08:51,103 --> 00:08:53,379
I did.
Messed me up emotionally.
225
00:08:53,482 --> 00:08:54,827
But it's what I needed.
226
00:08:54,931 --> 00:08:58,206
And is anyone, like,
funner than a-a drunk aunt?
227
00:08:58,310 --> 00:09:00,655
A drunk great-aunt.
228
00:09:00,758 --> 00:09:01,862
I'll just say
one last thing.
229
00:09:01,965 --> 00:09:03,172
I think every wedding
needs a hora.
230
00:09:03,275 --> 00:09:06,620
The Chosens were correct
about that one.
231
00:09:06,724 --> 00:09:08,103
I've been single for
a year and a half,
232
00:09:08,206 --> 00:09:12,344
but I've become
obsessedwith weddings.
233
00:09:12,448 --> 00:09:13,965
It's a sickness.
234
00:09:14,068 --> 00:09:15,448
But I don't want that
to define me,
235
00:09:15,551 --> 00:09:17,310
so I would appreciate
your discretion.
236
00:09:17,413 --> 00:09:18,620
I won't tell anyone.
237
00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:19,862
But in exchange,
238
00:09:19,965 --> 00:09:21,172
I need you
to stop keeping a spreadsheet
239
00:09:21,275 --> 00:09:22,827
tracking every time
I go to the bathroom.
240
00:09:22,931 --> 00:09:24,310
What?
I-I'm not doing that.
241
00:09:24,413 --> 00:09:25,517
Why would anybody
do that?
242
00:09:25,620 --> 00:09:26,965
I go
35 times a day.
243
00:09:27,068 --> 00:09:28,413
Jesus Christ.
244
00:09:28,517 --> 00:09:29,655
Okay.
245
00:09:29,758 --> 00:09:31,068
Um, you --
you really should see --
246
00:09:31,172 --> 00:09:32,931
I've seen multiple doctors
and a number of therapists.
247
00:09:33,034 --> 00:09:34,448
I even
asked my Rabbi.
248
00:09:34,551 --> 00:09:35,862
Nobody has
any answers.
249
00:09:35,965 --> 00:09:37,896
Okay, yeah, I'm --
I'm sorry, but it is not me.
250
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,206
Well, then I need your help
finding out who it is.
251
00:09:40,310 --> 00:09:41,379
But first...
252
00:09:41,482 --> 00:09:42,793
[ Door slams ]
253
00:09:42,896 --> 00:09:44,620
[ Toilet flushes, water runs ]
254
00:09:44,724 --> 00:09:46,517
[ Water shuts off,
paper-towel dispenser whirs ]
255
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:48,103
[ Mouse clicks ]
256
00:09:48,206 --> 00:09:51,448
Grace, please, just tell me
what people are saying about me!
257
00:09:51,551 --> 00:09:52,724
Matt, relax.
258
00:09:52,827 --> 00:09:55,620
People always complain
about their bosses.
259
00:09:55,724 --> 00:09:56,965
I need people
to love me.
260
00:09:57,068 --> 00:09:58,551
I'm not
like Michael Tevelli.
261
00:09:58,655 --> 00:10:00,620
Well, I also need people
to love me.
262
00:10:00,724 --> 00:10:02,724
Specifically, Tad.
263
00:10:02,827 --> 00:10:05,551
Do you know
what his deal is? No. Why?
264
00:10:05,655 --> 00:10:08,068
He just updated
his emergency contact,
265
00:10:08,172 --> 00:10:11,172
which suggests
a recent break-up.
266
00:10:11,275 --> 00:10:14,379
I've been using the HR system
as a dating app.
267
00:10:14,482 --> 00:10:15,655
Whoops.
268
00:10:15,758 --> 00:10:17,620
May I present...[ Keyboard clacks ]
269
00:10:17,724 --> 00:10:19,620
...screen monitoring.
270
00:10:19,724 --> 00:10:20,862
Every computer on the floor
is connected
271
00:10:20,965 --> 00:10:22,517
to the Hampton DeVille
network.
272
00:10:22,620 --> 00:10:24,344
All it took was
a little password phishing,
273
00:10:24,448 --> 00:10:25,827
a bit
of mainframe hacking,
274
00:10:25,931 --> 00:10:28,724
and a dash of seduction
to get administrator access.
275
00:10:28,827 --> 00:10:30,448
Well, this is a terrifying
look into the depths
276
00:10:30,551 --> 00:10:32,241
of people's souls.I do it all the time.
277
00:10:32,344 --> 00:10:33,448
It's so depressing.
278
00:10:33,551 --> 00:10:34,896
I love it.
279
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,413
Huh.
Dierdre's making horse memes.
280
00:10:37,517 --> 00:10:39,448
♪♪
281
00:10:39,551 --> 00:10:40,689
I can do both,
easy.
282
00:10:40,793 --> 00:10:42,172
Yeah, me, too.
No problem. Hmm.
283
00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:45,482
Baron?
284
00:10:45,586 --> 00:10:47,620
Oh! Shit!
Jake, I forgot to tell you!
285
00:10:47,724 --> 00:10:48,931
A little late,
Matty.
286
00:10:49,034 --> 00:10:51,068
Uh, what are
you guys doing?
287
00:10:51,172 --> 00:10:52,724
Well, Jake's gonna use
the bathroom
288
00:10:52,827 --> 00:10:54,482
while I watch
everyone's screens
289
00:10:54,586 --> 00:10:56,724
to see who's been
updating the spreadsheet.
290
00:10:56,827 --> 00:10:58,689
You guys are spying
on everyone's computers?
291
00:10:58,793 --> 00:11:00,793
That is a total
invasion of privacy.
292
00:11:00,896 --> 00:11:02,448
Hey, look, someone's G-chatting
about you.
293
00:11:02,551 --> 00:11:05,172
Show me everything.
294
00:11:05,275 --> 00:11:06,965
All right,
by the time I come back,
295
00:11:07,068 --> 00:11:09,310
we'll know who this
goddamn piss detective is!
296
00:11:09,413 --> 00:11:11,862
[ Door slams, toilet flushes,
water runs, water shuts off ]
297
00:11:11,965 --> 00:11:13,655
[ Paper-towel dispenser whirs,
mouse clicks ]
298
00:11:13,758 --> 00:11:15,862
Did you see
who did it?
299
00:11:15,965 --> 00:11:17,586
But the spreadsheet
still updated?
300
00:11:17,689 --> 00:11:18,793
How is this possible?!
301
00:11:18,896 --> 00:11:20,000
It could be someone
on their phone
302
00:11:20,103 --> 00:11:21,689
or maybe
a personal laptop.
303
00:11:21,793 --> 00:11:23,896
Ooh, or one of those fridges
that has Internet.
304
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:25,310
So we've learned nothing.
305
00:11:25,413 --> 00:11:26,965
That's not
entirely true.
306
00:11:27,068 --> 00:11:29,034
We learned that Creston's
having trouble adopting.
307
00:11:29,137 --> 00:11:30,965
[ Computer chimes ]Who would do this to me?
308
00:11:31,068 --> 00:11:32,758
Well,
it's not Creston.
309
00:11:32,862 --> 00:11:34,241
He's got enough
on his plate.
310
00:11:34,344 --> 00:11:38,379
Um, Jordy, you know, Mary --
They both hate you.
311
00:11:38,482 --> 00:11:41,413
You know what, it could be
someone from the thread.
312
00:11:41,517 --> 00:11:43,241
What thread?
313
00:11:43,344 --> 00:11:45,896
[ Sighs ]
Oops.
314
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:48,275
There was never
a good time to tell you,
315
00:11:48,379 --> 00:11:49,517
and honestly,
316
00:11:49,620 --> 00:11:52,206
I never was
going to tell you.
317
00:11:52,310 --> 00:11:55,517
Yeah, there's an e-mail thread
about you.
318
00:11:55,620 --> 00:11:59,103
It's been going on
for a while.
319
00:11:59,206 --> 00:12:07,241
♪♪
320
00:12:07,344 --> 00:12:09,206
It all started when Matt
e-mailed Grace
321
00:12:09,310 --> 00:12:12,551
a picture of the two of you
with the caption that read,
322
00:12:12,655 --> 00:12:14,586
"Hey, look,
I met Grumpycat."
323
00:12:14,689 --> 00:12:15,896
[ Chuckles ]
324
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:17,310
And then it kind of
snowballed from there.
325
00:12:17,413 --> 00:12:19,241
At this point, I think
almost all of Hampton DeVille
326
00:12:19,344 --> 00:12:20,448
is on the thread.
327
00:12:20,551 --> 00:12:22,241
Why is everyone
doing this?
328
00:12:22,344 --> 00:12:25,000
Well, at first, I think they
just liked making fun of you.
329
00:12:25,103 --> 00:12:27,965
Now I think they come
more for a sense of community.
330
00:12:28,068 --> 00:12:30,551
And of course,
the ass memes.
331
00:12:30,655 --> 00:12:32,724
There's over
3,000 replies.
332
00:12:32,827 --> 00:12:35,379
And most of them
are about my ass.
333
00:12:35,482 --> 00:12:37,448
Is it really
that big?
334
00:12:37,551 --> 00:12:40,517
Ask Lynn.
335
00:12:40,620 --> 00:12:42,689
How did my mom
get on this?
336
00:12:42,793 --> 00:12:46,103
♪♪
337
00:12:46,206 --> 00:12:47,137
Hey, Paige.
338
00:12:47,241 --> 00:12:49,413
I brought in cupcakes
for everyone.
339
00:12:49,517 --> 00:12:50,655
Why?
340
00:12:50,758 --> 00:12:52,413
Just to brighten
your day.
341
00:12:54,448 --> 00:12:57,310
Listen, I know
everyone's feeling a little down
342
00:12:57,413 --> 00:12:58,965
about the desk sensors,
343
00:12:59,068 --> 00:13:01,965
which you shouldn't because
there's nothing to worry about.
344
00:13:02,068 --> 00:13:04,103
But hopefully,
these cupcakes will cheer you up
345
00:13:04,206 --> 00:13:08,275
and remind you
that I've always got your back.
346
00:13:08,379 --> 00:13:09,724
Ow!
347
00:13:09,827 --> 00:13:11,793
We've always got
yourback, too, Matt.
348
00:13:11,896 --> 00:13:13,206
[ Laughter ]
349
00:13:13,310 --> 00:13:16,137
[ Chuckles ]
Well, you all deserve a chuckle,
350
00:13:16,241 --> 00:13:19,000
and I'm just happy
to provide it.
351
00:13:19,103 --> 00:13:20,000
Ohh!
352
00:13:20,103 --> 00:13:22,241
A-All right,
you know what,
353
00:13:22,344 --> 00:13:25,137
hit me in the back with
a cupcake once, shame on me.
354
00:13:25,241 --> 00:13:29,172
But hit me in the back
with a cupcake twice -- ow!
355
00:13:29,275 --> 00:13:33,620
Okay, you know what,
I amyour friend,
356
00:13:33,724 --> 00:13:35,620
but I am also
your superior.
357
00:13:35,724 --> 00:13:38,448
And so the next person
that throws a cupcake at me
358
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:39,931
is gonna get in trouble.
359
00:13:40,034 --> 00:13:42,310
Big-time trouble!
360
00:13:42,413 --> 00:13:46,448
♪♪
361
00:13:46,551 --> 00:13:48,758
[ Distorted ] Jessica!
362
00:13:48,862 --> 00:13:55,724
You Big Brother
motherfucker!
363
00:13:55,827 --> 00:13:58,103
Oh! [ Grunts ]
364
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:03,965
♪♪
365
00:14:04,068 --> 00:14:05,310
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
366
00:14:05,413 --> 00:14:06,586
Tad.
367
00:14:06,689 --> 00:14:09,206
Do not post that!
368
00:14:09,310 --> 00:14:11,275
[ Camera shutter clicks ]Tad!
369
00:14:13,241 --> 00:14:14,931
[ Jake sighs ]
370
00:14:15,034 --> 00:14:16,172
At first, you think people
are just tracking
371
00:14:16,275 --> 00:14:18,241
every time you piss,
but then you learn
372
00:14:18,344 --> 00:14:21,000
that everyone's also e-mailing
each other about your huge ass.
373
00:14:21,103 --> 00:14:24,758
These people
are savages.[ Computer chimes ]
374
00:14:24,862 --> 00:14:27,206
What do we have here?
375
00:14:27,310 --> 00:14:28,931
Maybe we could
start a petition
376
00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:30,275
and present it
to Kate and John
377
00:14:30,379 --> 00:14:32,241
and convince them to
stop using the desk sensors.
378
00:14:32,344 --> 00:14:34,551
Then everyone will stop
talking about my swimsuit area.
379
00:14:34,655 --> 00:14:35,931
No, Jake.
380
00:14:36,034 --> 00:14:37,931
Macchiato was right.
381
00:14:38,034 --> 00:14:42,793
We have to make
these people fear us.
382
00:14:42,896 --> 00:14:44,206
[ Door opens ]
383
00:14:44,310 --> 00:14:47,793
Paige Brisbin
and Jessica Carter.
384
00:14:47,896 --> 00:14:50,275
Smoking marijuana
on company premises?
385
00:14:50,379 --> 00:14:51,551
Yeah.
Who cares?
386
00:14:51,655 --> 00:14:53,000
Got your confession
on tape.
387
00:14:53,103 --> 00:14:54,965
That's a phone.
There's no tape.
388
00:14:55,068 --> 00:14:56,931
Got it on film, too.
389
00:14:57,034 --> 00:14:59,206
This is going
straight to HR.
390
00:14:59,310 --> 00:15:02,931
Why are you being, like,
such a narc all of a sudden?
391
00:15:03,034 --> 00:15:05,379
'Cause I'm
your fucking boss.
392
00:15:05,482 --> 00:15:07,551
[ Inhales sharply ]
393
00:15:07,655 --> 00:15:10,448
♪♪
394
00:15:10,551 --> 00:15:14,827
[ Coughs ]
395
00:15:14,931 --> 00:15:20,793
♪♪
396
00:15:20,896 --> 00:15:22,137
Hey, Rachael,
I'm starting a petition
397
00:15:22,241 --> 00:15:23,620
to get rid
of the desk sensors.
398
00:15:23,724 --> 00:15:25,034
Want to be
the first to sign?
399
00:15:25,137 --> 00:15:27,517
♪ Hey, Big Brother
400
00:15:27,620 --> 00:15:29,758
Hey, Fred. Want to get rid
of those desk sensors?
401
00:15:29,862 --> 00:15:31,448
♪ As soon as you arrive
402
00:15:31,551 --> 00:15:33,862
♪ You better get in touch
with the people, Big Brother ♪
403
00:15:33,965 --> 00:15:36,517
What's up, Jada?
404
00:15:36,620 --> 00:15:38,517
♪ And get them on your side,
Big Brother ♪
405
00:15:38,620 --> 00:15:40,206
Nice signature, Tina.
406
00:15:40,310 --> 00:15:44,413
♪ And keep them satisfied
407
00:15:44,517 --> 00:15:47,206
Matt, why are you
sending me pictures of employees
408
00:15:47,310 --> 00:15:49,827
smoking weed like you expect me
to do something about it?
409
00:15:49,931 --> 00:15:52,413
I want Paige and Jessica
brought to justice.
410
00:15:52,517 --> 00:15:59,103
And in exchange, I will let you
spy on Tad's computer.
411
00:15:59,206 --> 00:16:03,310
I sentence Paige and Jessica
to death.
412
00:16:03,413 --> 00:16:05,758
Hey, Baron.
413
00:16:05,862 --> 00:16:07,172
♪♪
414
00:16:07,275 --> 00:16:10,034
Glad to see your ass
on our side for a change.
415
00:16:10,137 --> 00:16:13,241
♪ Hey, Big Brother
416
00:16:13,344 --> 00:16:16,517
♪ As soon as you arrive
417
00:16:16,620 --> 00:16:21,034
♪ You better get in touch
with the people, Big Brother ♪
418
00:16:21,137 --> 00:16:24,620
♪ And get them on your side,
Big Brother ♪
419
00:16:24,724 --> 00:16:29,034
-Chocolate chip.
-♪ And keep them satisfied
420
00:16:29,137 --> 00:16:32,172
♪ Welcome to the beat
of a city street ♪
421
00:16:32,275 --> 00:16:36,620
♪ Walk on, now,
and don't be shy ♪
422
00:16:36,724 --> 00:16:39,655
♪ Take a closer look
at the people you meet ♪
423
00:16:39,758 --> 00:16:41,344
Hey, Matt.
No cupcakes today?
424
00:16:41,448 --> 00:16:43,724
♪ And notice the fear
in their eyes ♪
425
00:16:43,827 --> 00:16:45,034
Hello, Dierdre.
426
00:16:45,137 --> 00:16:47,103
You working hard,
or hardly working
427
00:16:47,206 --> 00:16:50,275
'cause you're too busy
making horse memes?
428
00:16:50,379 --> 00:16:51,275
That's right.
429
00:16:51,379 --> 00:16:54,103
I know all about
the horse memes.
430
00:16:54,206 --> 00:16:57,275
Luckily for you,
I'm a merciful God.
431
00:16:57,379 --> 00:17:00,689
♪♪
432
00:17:00,793 --> 00:17:02,965
But I'm also
a vengeful God.
433
00:17:03,068 --> 00:17:07,827
♪♪
434
00:17:07,931 --> 00:17:10,000
Get you a God
who can do both.
435
00:17:10,103 --> 00:17:14,275
♪♪
436
00:17:14,379 --> 00:17:16,206
I got
over 150 signatures.
437
00:17:16,310 --> 00:17:17,413
Kate and John probably
won't care,
438
00:17:17,517 --> 00:17:19,000
but at least
people will know we tried.
439
00:17:19,103 --> 00:17:21,275
You should
sign it, too. [ Chuckles ]
440
00:17:21,379 --> 00:17:25,413
So you want to make
everybody like you.
441
00:17:25,517 --> 00:17:28,482
Meredith Vieira must be
rolling over in his grave.
442
00:17:28,586 --> 00:17:29,965
Matt.
443
00:17:30,068 --> 00:17:32,379
Jake, you're not gonna catch
this piss detective with honey.
444
00:17:32,482 --> 00:17:34,724
I really did not mean to coin
the phrase "piss detective."
445
00:17:34,827 --> 00:17:36,241
Well,
it's fucking coined!
446
00:17:36,344 --> 00:17:38,724
You want to find
the piss detective?
447
00:17:38,827 --> 00:17:40,862
You got to
flush them out.
448
00:17:40,965 --> 00:17:47,413
Pssssssssh.
449
00:17:49,344 --> 00:17:51,827
Matt: It looks like many of you
have taken issue
450
00:17:51,931 --> 00:17:54,241
with the desk sensors.
451
00:17:54,344 --> 00:17:57,068
And listen,
as your superiors,
452
00:17:57,172 --> 00:17:59,931
we hear
your concerns.
453
00:18:00,034 --> 00:18:02,172
And here's what
we think of them.
454
00:18:02,275 --> 00:18:03,379
Matt!
455
00:18:03,482 --> 00:18:06,137
Next order of business,
and this is serious --
456
00:18:06,241 --> 00:18:08,965
somebody has been keeping
a spreadsheet
457
00:18:09,068 --> 00:18:12,206
of every time
Jake goes to the bathroom.
458
00:18:12,310 --> 00:18:14,000
And this is
very embarrassing for Jake
459
00:18:14,103 --> 00:18:16,137
because he has
a tiny child's bladder
460
00:18:16,241 --> 00:18:18,241
and no control
over it.
461
00:18:18,344 --> 00:18:19,827
[ Laughter ]That's not
entirely true.
462
00:18:19,931 --> 00:18:21,551
It's a fairly big
child's bladder.
463
00:18:21,655 --> 00:18:23,931
He's sensitive about it,
as he should be.
464
00:18:24,034 --> 00:18:27,206
It's shameful
what he does.
465
00:18:27,310 --> 00:18:29,034
So here's
what we're gonna do.
466
00:18:29,137 --> 00:18:32,482
Until the piss detective
reveals him or herself --
467
00:18:32,586 --> 00:18:34,413
It's the 21st century --
468
00:18:34,517 --> 00:18:37,896
we're going to be keeping track
of everybody's bathroom usage.
469
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,689
No, we are not
going to do that.
470
00:18:39,793 --> 00:18:41,965
I'm the
piss detective now!
471
00:18:42,068 --> 00:18:45,103
And I am also
your boss and God.
472
00:18:45,206 --> 00:18:47,862
And you know what?
[ Laughs ]
473
00:18:47,965 --> 00:18:49,965
I haven't read "1983."
474
00:18:50,068 --> 00:18:51,344
But I'm starting
to think
475
00:18:51,448 --> 00:18:53,620
that Big Brother
was right on the money.
476
00:18:53,724 --> 00:18:55,068
So should we all
pee in a cup
477
00:18:55,172 --> 00:18:56,896
and bring it
to your desk,
478
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,206
oh, Mr. Glorious Piss Detective,
sir?
479
00:18:59,310 --> 00:19:00,965
How about
you bring it to me
480
00:19:01,068 --> 00:19:02,862
in a decorative
mason jar, Baron?
481
00:19:02,965 --> 00:19:05,896
♪♪
482
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:07,379
That's right.
483
00:19:07,482 --> 00:19:10,827
Baron here has
a secret passion,
484
00:19:10,931 --> 00:19:14,379
and it's very weird.
485
00:19:14,482 --> 00:19:17,379
And I'm
going to unveil it.
486
00:19:17,482 --> 00:19:19,206
Matt, no.
487
00:19:19,310 --> 00:19:21,758
[ Jake grunts, all gasp ]
488
00:19:21,862 --> 00:19:22,965
Yes! Whoo!
489
00:19:23,068 --> 00:19:24,724
Yeah!
490
00:19:24,827 --> 00:19:26,827
Jake!
I order you to stop!
491
00:19:26,931 --> 00:19:28,206
[ Applause ]
492
00:19:28,310 --> 00:19:30,965
No.
Go, go, go!
493
00:19:31,068 --> 00:19:32,206
Get down from there!
494
00:19:32,310 --> 00:19:34,275
Vivian!
Everyone stop!
495
00:19:34,379 --> 00:19:37,034
Aah! Tad!
496
00:19:37,137 --> 00:19:40,586
Kate: So, we have received
some very interesting data
497
00:19:40,689 --> 00:19:41,896
on the two of you.
498
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,482
Jake, you have destroyed
company property,
499
00:19:43,586 --> 00:19:46,379
and, Matt, we received
an anonymous tip from Baron
500
00:19:46,482 --> 00:19:48,034
that you have been spying
on people's computer screens.
501
00:19:48,137 --> 00:19:51,137
And claiming that
you're a vengeful God?
502
00:19:51,241 --> 00:19:55,206
Which is just weird
because God is great.
503
00:19:55,310 --> 00:19:56,965
God is good.
Let us thank Him for our food.
504
00:19:57,068 --> 00:19:58,172
Amen.
Amen.
505
00:19:58,275 --> 00:19:59,793
Amen.Amen.
506
00:19:59,896 --> 00:20:01,758
So, based on
this new data,
507
00:20:01,862 --> 00:20:03,724
we're gonna make
some changes.
508
00:20:03,827 --> 00:20:06,172
We're excited to announce
that the desk-sensor program
509
00:20:06,275 --> 00:20:08,275
has been
officially terminated!
510
00:20:08,379 --> 00:20:10,344
We did it!Thank you!
511
00:20:10,448 --> 00:20:11,344
Very nice!
512
00:20:11,448 --> 00:20:13,206
Next order
of business.
513
00:20:13,310 --> 00:20:15,379
Um, we're sad to announce
the start
514
00:20:15,482 --> 00:20:17,655
of the
screen-monitoring program.
515
00:20:19,724 --> 00:20:23,000
Fuck you!
516
00:20:23,103 --> 00:20:25,448
Hey, whatever happened
between you and Tad?
517
00:20:25,551 --> 00:20:28,137
Oh, I looked into his house
on Hampton DeVille Maps,
518
00:20:28,241 --> 00:20:30,517
and his bathroom
is a mess.
519
00:20:30,620 --> 00:20:32,068
Mm.
So, that's that.
520
00:20:32,172 --> 00:20:33,275
That's tough.
521
00:20:33,379 --> 00:20:34,517
Is the spreadsheet
still updating
522
00:20:34,620 --> 00:20:35,896
whenever you go
to the bathroom?
523
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:37,931
Yeah.
I have no idea who's doing it.
524
00:20:38,034 --> 00:20:39,448
I guess
I'll never know.
525
00:20:39,551 --> 00:20:43,206
Just one of many things
that'll haunt me forever.
526
00:20:43,310 --> 00:20:46,310
Wait, did we share Jake
on the spreadsheet?
527
00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:48,620
I thought we just sent it
to the thread.
528
00:20:48,724 --> 00:20:49,827
Whoopsy daisy.
529
00:20:49,931 --> 00:20:51,862
Do you ever think
we went too far
530
00:20:51,965 --> 00:20:53,965
putting those cameras
in the bathroom?
531
00:20:54,068 --> 00:20:56,310
No.
We were just collecting data.
532
00:20:56,413 --> 00:20:58,103
I mean, we are
certified data addicts.
533
00:20:58,206 --> 00:20:59,758
We're data nuts.
534
00:20:59,862 --> 00:21:02,310
And we're coo-coo
for data puffs.Coo-coo! Coo-coo!
535
00:21:02,413 --> 00:21:04,137
[ Sighs ]
I'll take a Machiavelli.
536
00:21:04,241 --> 00:21:05,862
Double shot.
537
00:21:08,931 --> 00:21:11,448
[ Imitating gunfire ]Pow! Pow!
538
00:21:11,551 --> 00:21:13,620
Take it in the knees.
Whop! Whop!
539
00:21:13,724 --> 00:21:15,034
Whop! Whop!
540
00:21:15,137 --> 00:21:16,551
Musket.
Tamp it down.
541
00:21:16,655 --> 00:21:17,862
All you motherfuckers!
542
00:21:17,965 --> 00:21:19,000
[ Grunts ]
543
00:21:19,103 --> 00:21:21,931
Boom!
Boom!
544
00:21:22,034 --> 00:21:23,172
Ooh, kickback.
545
00:21:23,222 --> 00:21:27,772
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